Back Better Than Ever

Summary

Podcast Summary
The blondEST
Host: Savanna Boda
Episode: Back Better Than Ever
Date: May 18, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this heartfelt and candid episode, host Savanna Boda (The Dallas Aesthetician) returns to the podcast after a challenging personal period, joined by her close friend Maria. Titled "Back Better Than Ever," the conversation explores themes of resilience, personal growth, self-acceptance, vulnerability, navigating singlehood, and the reality of rebuilding both a business and self-identity after significant life events. The episode is filled with humor, honesty, and real talk about relationships, self-sabotage, work-life balance, and what it truly means to show up for oneself.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Coming Back from a Dark Period (00:13 – 03:53)

• Savanna’s Return: Savanna opens with her signature honesty, sharing that she’s returning from the “worst possible time of my life—worse than my divorce, for sure” (00:28). She credits a newfound energy after feeling "mentally checked out."
• Business Struggles: The reopening of her clinic was fraught with issues: delays, construction, moving, supply chain mishaps (even something as trivial as not being able to find pink lollipops for clients). This disorganization clashed with her perfectionist, Virgo nature and triggered a depressive episode.
• The Importance of Routine: Savanna explains that consistency is key for her productivity and mental health:
  • “I’m more productive when I’m overwhelmed than I am when I have free time... There’s something about the pressure.” (02:47)

2. Self-Image, Confidence, and Body Acceptance (04:24 – 08:02)

• Navigating Identity: Savanna reflects on redefining herself as a single woman, struggling to balance her all-or-nothing tendencies with self-development and a personal life.
• Body Image Journey: She openly discusses her relationship with her body before and after her breast reduction, highlighting how perceptions change with public image:
  • “My brand...my tits were always out. They were just—if y’all were here before the reduction...” (05:22)
  • She and Maria poke fun at the judgment women receive for their appearance, noting, “When they're real...people tend to take to cleavage more...when they're fake...you're a prostitute." (06:10)
  • Quote: "It's like, I missed my whole 20s being sexy. So I'm sexy at 28. Going back to wholesome." (07:38)

3. The “Social Era” and Defending Her Choices (08:26 – 11:15)

• Savanna’s Social Era: She clarifies gossip about her personal life, quelling rumors that she was “for the streets,” and asserts her right to her brief “social era.”
• Pushing Against Shame: Savanna is transparent about her choices post-divorce, saying, “I gave up my whole life for this business, in this industry. I was in a horrible situation forever where I was so controlled and I didn’t get to have my 20s…I'll justify this till the day I die.” (09:34)

4. New Relationship: Meeting Sterling (11:15 – 29:09)

• How They Met: Savanna shares the full story of meeting her new boyfriend, Sterling—a 37-year-old with a corporate job—detailing how his intentionality and kindness impressed her.
  • Their meeting was serendipitous; Sterling approached her confidently and followed up respectfully, showing both patience and thoughtfulness.
• Savanna’s Dating Patterns: She discusses why casual dating and hookup culture feel foreign to her:
  • “For me...sex is not just sex...it’s like soul merging with me.” (14:46)
  • "My body is a temple. We don't let everyone enter the temple." (15:00)
• Challenges of Connection: Savanna emphasizes her need for emotional and intellectual connection, both for friendships and love:
  • “I am turned on by intellectual pursuit. That's the way I find interest.” (15:07)
  • The outer shell “doesn’t do anything for me” compared to emotional bonds. (18:15)
• Sterling’s Thoughtfulness: On their first date, Sterling printed out a list of conspiracy theories to discuss (because he knows she loves them), planned around her being a mom, and showed genuine interest in her life. (21:14–22:30)
• Funny Bad Date Story: Savanna tells a story about a disastrous date with a man obsessed with denouncing divorce, unknowingly to a divorced mom (her):
  • "He was like, 'Divorce is the worst thing you can do to a child.' I'm just sitting there like—You know I'm divorced with a child, right? He was like, 'No way'...I was like, 'Yeah, I love divorce.'" (22:30)

5. Vulnerability, Attachment, and Self-Sabotage (29:09 – 34:50)

• Learning Healthier Love: Savanna dives into her attachment style, shaped by conditional love growing up:
  • “For me, love was always something you worked for…every day you start at zero.” (31:09)
  • She recognizes her pattern of self-sabotage: "When things go good, I'm like, let's make this man hate me," and is actively working through it in her new relationship with Sterling's patience. (29:46)
  • “I don’t like fake stuff...I need to go through something traumatic with you, or have some big, serious thing happen so I know I feel safe.” (32:24)
• Unlearning Old Patterns: The episode closes with encouragement to recognize and avoid self-sabotage behaviors and to grant oneself compassion in the healing process.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On returning stronger:
  “I really and truly do believe that I’m back better than ever. I went through...the worst possible time of my life. Worse than my divorce, for sure.” (Savanna, 00:13)
• On perfectionism:
  “I’m a Virgo...such a perfectionist...If things didn’t go to a tee, I kind of checked out.” (Savanna, 01:07)
• On self-judgment:
  “I judge myself harder than anyone else will judge me.” (Savanna, 08:26)
• On body image post-surgery:
  “My brand...my tits were always out...If y’all were here before the reduction...You couldn’t hide them back then.” (Savanna & Maria, 05:22)
• On dating & hookups:
  “Sex is not just sex...it’s like soul merging with me.” (Savanna, 14:46) “My body is a temple. We don’t let everyone enter the temple.” (Savanna, 15:00)
• On her attachment style:
  “Love for me was something you worked for...Every day you start at zero, and you try to get your parents to love you as much as you can.” (Savanna, 31:09)
• On self-sabotage in love:
  “I love self-sabotaging. It’s the Savannah special.” (Savanna, 29:09)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Savanna’s return & mental health update: 00:13 – 03:53
• Clinic struggles & perfection pressure: 01:07 – 03:53
• Body image & breast reduction: 04:54 – 07:57
• “Social era,” self-compassion: 08:09 – 11:15
• Sterling & new relationship story: 12:07 – 29:09
• Funny bad date with “divorce guy”: 22:30 – 23:20
• Attachment styles & self-sabotage: 29:09 – 34:50

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Tone & Takeaways

The episode blends humor, candor, and psychological insight, with Savanna and Maria bouncing between laughter and vulnerability. Savanna’s willingness to be self-critical while encouraging compassion and growth will resonate with anyone struggling to rebuild after a setback or major life change. The message is clear: healing is messy, growth isn’t linear, and there’s power in owning your story—even the imperfect, in-progress parts.

Ending note:
Savanna and Maria sign off by encouraging listeners to have a great week, gently reminding:

“Don’t self sabotage.” (Savanna, 35:40)

Transcript

[Savannah]

Hi, guys. Welcome back to another Monday.

[Maria]

Welcome back. Hi. We missed you. They missed you. It's been two weeks.

[Savannah]

Yeah. I'm finally, like. I feel like I say this every podcast, but I really and truly do believe that I'm back better than ever. I went through, like, a lot this past month that I'm not going to talk about.

[Maria]

Okay, that's. That's true.

[Savannah]

Like, probably the worst possible time of my life. Worse than my divorce, for sure.

[Maria]

Yeah. We're on the other side, though.

[Savannah]

Yeah. I think it, like something awoke. Awoke inside me and now I'm like, back at it in clinic, working my ass off. I just was really, like, mentally checked out and I think it was like

[Maria]

learning to ride a bike again. I feel like we had closed for so long because we were moving and then we had construction and all this stuff, so we basically couldn't see clients for.

[Savannah]

Yeah. And I think I got, like, depressed and sad about everything because everything wasn't like, I just have, like, you know, I'm a Virgo. And even more than that, I'm like, such a perfectionist. And I'm a good planner. I'm very organized. I had like, so many things that I wanted to happen before we got into the new space. And then, like, with tariffs and like, just like pretty much every little small thing ended up. That should have been easy. Wasn't like, remember when we couldn't find fucking pink lollipops?

[Maria]

Yeah. That was impossible.

[Savannah]

Like, anywhere.

[Maria]

Yeah, okay.

[Savannah]

And those are given for free. And Tyler's like, this doesn't even make us fucking money. And it's taking so many people to, like, search for these fucking lollipops.

[Maria]

Actually, it's so funny you bring up the lollipops because I have been like, onboarding a new person to or like a new company to do our sales tax because we're in so many states now that it's like too much for me to manage. And so they were like, oh, do you give any freebies with every order? Or something like that. And I was like, oh, we give like, some like, sample sachet packets and like, stuff like that. And then they were saying that, like, for the lollipops, like, I needed to know the price of them, but I'm like, we buy a 25 pound bag for like. I was like, I. I don't know. And so it was like, I spent like 15 minutes talking about these lollipops and I was like, don't bring me back. Like, I've talked about these lollipops enough for one lifetime.

[Savannah]

Yeah, no, we definitely have. So I think just, like, that aspect of it, you know?

[Maria]

Yeah. And I think also, like, at the end of last year, like, you are such a person, I feel like, for consistency.

[Savannah]

Oh, yeah. Like, that's how I get into passive spells. Like, if I, like, get out of routine, like, I'm. And it becomes so easy. Like, if I am not back to back to back to back. Like, I'm more productive when I'm overwhelmed than I am when I have free time. If I have free time, I, like. I don't know. There's something about, like, the pressure. Like, if someone has, like, a timer on me, like, I will perform better.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Savannah]

Knowing that there's a time limit versus, like, just being able to, like, around and get things done whenever, like, I feel like I'm really productive when I just, like, lock in.

[Maria]

Do you think it's also like, adhd, like, you don't have an option when you're back to. Back to back to, like, veer off course?

[Savannah]

Yeah, I think that too. I do think that's part of it.

[Maria]

And, like, if you have a second

[Savannah]

to breathe, you're like, yeah, I get distracted.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Savannah]

Yeah, I think that's part of it too. And then, I don't know. I just think it's. I just have been sad that, like, a lot of the things that I wanted to get done, like, didn't get done and, like, I don't know, I'm, like, such an all or nothing person that, like, I feel like I kind of, like, just like, checked out because it wasn't what I wanted to a tee. So I was like.

[Maria]

I feel like now it is more or less.

[Savannah]

More or less. There's just been a lot. It's been like. We've said this probably every, like, take a shot every time. We said it's been a fucking year, but it's really been a fucking life.

[Maria]

I know. I want. I want us. We were so stupid last year.

[Savannah]

If I could, like, oh, yeah. We were like, everything, like, roll that clip back. We're like, everything's gonna be great. And then it's like one and a half years later, we're like.

[Maria]

We're still crying, still crying every day. It's okay.

[Savannah]

Yeah, it's just like being out of office for such a long time and then also, like, just, like, losing my spark and then trying to figure out who I was, like, as a single woman. I was talking to a client about that today. It's just like, it was so hard for me to balance both. Because, again, I am such an all or nothing person. And I was, like, very trying to invest in, like, self development, like, figuring out who I am and, like, having a personal life.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Savannah]

Yeah. Which I've also talked about a lot on this podcast. Was not all that it was cracked up to be. And I was feeling good about myself. Like, you know, for the first time in my life, I felt confident in my body, just showing some skin. And, you know, Tyler can donate, but I look back and I'm like. Some of it. Like, I think it's just hard because my brand and how people have always known me is like. I mean, my tits were always out. They were just.

[Maria]

If y' all were here before the reduction.

[Savannah]

Yeah, they.

[Maria]

I mean, you couldn't hide them back then.

[Savannah]

The bra was out, the tits were out. Like, there was nothing to wear. Like, they were so massive naturally.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Savannah]

But it's like, there's something about

[Maria]

when

[Savannah]

you're a little bit.

[Maria]

I have no idea where this is going. I'm on the edge of my seat.

[Savannah]

When they're real.

[Maria]

Okay.

[Savannah]

And there's cleavage and you're a little bit puffier.

[Maria]

Okay.

[Savannah]

People tend to take to cleavage more. Women.

[Maria]

Yeah. Like, it's not crashy.

[Savannah]

When they're fake tits.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Savannah]

And you're more lean or in shape, as one might say.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Savannah]

You're a prostitute.

[Maria]

Mm. And you are. No. Just kidding.

[Savannah]

Yeah. And so I think that's kind of like. Which I get, because I have had that thought process too.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Savannah]

Towards myself, I'm like, why is this image? Okay.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Savannah]

But this one isn't. And so. Because before they were real.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Savannah]

She had some extra weight on her.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Savannah]

Now they're fake. I'm smaller, and it just looks just the world and society that we live in.

[Maria]

Yeah. I don't know. Again, I.

[Savannah]

Nobody ever said nothing. My tits were out more than they are now.

[Maria]

I will never forget, shortly after you got pregnant with Cyrus, there was that one picture she, like, sent me, and she was like watermelon. She was like, I can't go to work, Tyler. Like, look at me. And she sent me a picture like

[Savannah]

this, and they're up to my chest.

[Maria]

It was the most insane picture I've ever seen in my life. So. Yeah. No.

[Savannah]

Almost turned him straight.

[Maria]

Yeah. You did not. You didn't get close to that level in this past era. But, no, it was still viewed.

[Savannah]

And I think it's also, like, the facial expressions with. It can be more promiscuous.

[Maria]

Okay.

[Savannah]

But I learned how to pose. Remember when I didn't know how to pose?

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Savannah]

I didn't know how to like, I still don't. I like this was the year I learned how to be a hot girl.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Savannah]

Okay, I'm just gonna say it. Before I was just a business owner mother, which is wonderful.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Savannah]

But I didn't have any sex appeal.

[Maria]

It's nice to have some. Some sex appeal in your arsenal.

[Savannah]

Yeah. And it was like I missed my whole 20s being sexy. So I'm sexy at 28. Going back to wholesome.

[Maria]

Don't worry, you're giving. You're giving

[Savannah]

like church.

[Maria]

I was gonna say like farmer wants a wife. Like church. It's giving church. Yeah.

[Savannah]

Giving church. Take me to church.

[Maria]

You need like a cardigan, but yeah, too much shoulder.

[Savannah]

Too much shoulder. What was I gonna say? Oh, do you remember when we went to Crystal's wedding, we had to put shawls on because me and Candace were in a Catholic church with like strapless dresses on.

[Maria]

Yeah, I do remember that. But they, it was very nice. They had like a whole bucket.

[Savannah]

They had so many colors.

[Maria]

Yeah, they did.

[Savannah]

I was like, I want to buy this. It's so cute. And it kept me warm too. Cause it was actually cold in church. But anyways, so for my fans, for fans that maybe are like, is Savannah okay? Well, no, I wasn't. I still probably am not. And also, guys, perspective, okay. Like, I judge myself harder than anyone else will judge me. And I have embarrassments with my two and a half month stint. Ten week. And I don't even want to call it a party era because it really like I was sober enough to drive an hour home. Okay. To the fucking country and be in bed. I shut face washed by 1:30am okay,

[Maria]

let's call it your social era.

[Savannah]

Yeah. Because I really, I didn't go to.

[Maria]

You weren't partying yet.

[Savannah]

No, I was going to like bars. You were so shy. I was going to like little bars. I was going to. If you were a Dallas person. I was going to Hindi's, you know, But I wasn't like, I wasn't hooking up with a bunch of people. I was wex closed for the most part.

[Maria]

We all have some swap ups.

[Savannah]

But again, after a 10 year relationship building a successful business that I work seven days a week, I will justify this till the day I die. Um, so yeah, and I trust me, there are moments I want to judge myself too. But then I'm like, you know what? I gave up my whole life for this business in this Industry. I was in a horrible situationship forever where I was so controlled and I didn't get to have my 20s. I didn't get to have my.

[Maria]

Did you call your marriage a situationship?

[Savannah]

No, I said I was in a horrible situation. But it was a situation, I swear.

[Maria]

You said situation. I roll it back.

[Savannah]

I mean, probably. It was the textbook definition.

[Maria]

Okay.

[Savannah]

Of a situationship.

[Maria]

Yeah. Yeah. But like you said, you should not judge yourself. Trust me, y', all. I am.

[Savannah]

He had people calling every day like, my own mother.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Savannah]

I'm like, Savannah. Okay. Ditzer out.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Savannah]

No, Mom, I wasn't. Okay.

[Maria]

There were some people. But here's the thing. I'm her biggest critic behind the scenes. I'm her biggest opp.

[Savannah]

Oh, yeah.

[Maria]

And I wanted this for her. Like. Like, if you. If, like, I feel like, as someone who loves you and like, who knows you, like, I'm not just judging, like, you from being social media. Yeah, exactly. Like. Like, this is.

[Savannah]

And it was also my personal page, which was what was so annoying is, like, this wasn't even, like, my professional business account. And people. I mean, I get it. I'd probably judge me too, if I wasn't me, but I know me, so I'm not judging me. I think it was, but I actually am. There's, like, parts of me. There's parts of me that I really do judge myself because, like, you always

[Maria]

say, two things can be true.

[Savannah]

Yeah. But anyways, I'm in a relationship now or whatever, so we're good. I need to go out, find men. No, it wasn't even to find men. It was to listen to good music and have fun and look cute and feel pretty and, like, go out with the girls. Go out with the girls.

[Maria]

And you weren't going out with men. You were going out with the girls.

[Savannah]

I was going out with the girls.

[Maria]

You were.

[Savannah]

I wasn't for the streets.

[Maria]

She really was going out with the girls. Ryan and I didn't even go.

[Savannah]

Yeah, it was just.

[Maria]

But also, like, that scene kind of scares me.

[Savannah]

It is scary. That's why we're out of it.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Savannah]

Okay. Found my man. And I was like, get out of here. Gotta go. And I met him at the. It wasn't a club. I met him at Hindy's. So I don't think we've really talked about my relationship on here.

[Maria]

I don't think so either.

[Savannah]

Did we. I think I maybe told, like, how we met.

[Maria]

I don't think so.

[Savannah]

Really?

[Maria]

Actually, I have no idea.

[Savannah]

Oh. I think I only did On Instagram. Okay. So for those of you that don't know if you missed the story, you missed the story. I have a boyfriend. We've been dating for almost four months. Crazy.

[Maria]

That is crazy.

[Savannah]

He's older than me, which is great. We love that. He's 37. He works a corporate job.

[Maria]

Love that.

[Savannah]

Also, he's employed. It's so.

[Maria]

Okay, we're ticking boxes then.

[Savannah]

He's so sweet. He's just a really good guy, and I didn't think he would be. And he knows this, like, my type at all. Like, I was not into it until our first date, and then I was like, he's so handsome in person. Also, I must say, he takes good photos, too, but, like, even more handsome in person. And so anyway, comes up to me. Okay, let's actually back up. My good friend who I've known for years, she was like, I follow a lot of Dallas guys like, that are decent. Like, go through my following that are decent. Yeah. And she was like, follow a couple that you think are cute. So I followed a couple guys, and he, I guess, was one of them. I don't remember. Again, just. And he, like, DM'd me or whatever. I didn't answer. That's how I am. And then I'm just, like, such a meet in person kind of girl. That's why I feel like dating apps and stuff, like, just didn't work for me because it takes so much for me to actually be attracted to someone like, you know, this. Like, I don't have, like, a lot of celebrity crushes or people that I'm like, oh, my God, that guy's so hot. Like, want to jump his bones. Like, I'm just like.

[Maria]

The last one was Jack Harlow, and I just think that was mental illness.

[Savannah]

Yeah.

[Maria]

Where do you stand by that?

[Savannah]

No, I don't. Okay. It was. It was okay. But what I was saying is it's like, in person. Well, I just have to have, like, an emotional connection bond to you. And that's why, for me, it's like hookup culture. Like, it really, like, confuses me quite a lot, actually, because I am such an emotional being that, like, I can't feel comfortable with somebody. And, like, I know for some people, sex is just sex. It's like an activity. It's like golfing. It's like soul merging with me.

[Maria]

I went through that era. Oh, my God, that's crazy.

[Savannah]

No, it's not.

[Maria]

No, it's not. It's not.

[Savannah]

It's not crazy.

[Maria]

It's not. I just wasn't expecting soul merging.

[Savannah]

My body is a temple. Okay?

[Maria]

It is.

[Savannah]

My body is a temple. We don't let everyone enter the temple.

[Maria]

No.

[Savannah]

Okay.

[Maria]

Devout followers only.

[Savannah]

Yes. Devoted followers only. They have to prove themselves to me. And I am not like. You know the dimension app that we used to do, me and Adriel dimensions. And we'd see, like, how we were similar. I did mine. I am turned on by intellectual pursuit. That's the way, like, I find interest. That's why. Remember my professor I told you about?

[Maria]

Yes.

[Savannah]

Wait, so you like to him?

[Maria]

Okay.

[Savannah]

He not hot. That's why. You know, there's things when people have been like, how are you attracted to this random frog? And I would say, he's smart. We have good conversations. He gets me like that. To me, it's not about the looks. Looks fade. Everyone's gonna be, like, saggy and wrinkly and stinky and lose teeth. I want to, like, have someone that I can, like. I like, like intellectual stimulation.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Savannah]

Does a lot for me.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Savannah]

Okay. If that's not there, we ain't having sex ever.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Savannah]

You can't even kiss me. Okay. So that's, like, a really huge one for me. And anyway, so that's why hookup culture's always, like, really confused me. And, like, I just don't get how people just, like. And that's no shame to anyone. It's just like, I was also, like, in a relationship Since I was 17 with the same person up until eight months ago, nine months ago, I don't even know. So with that being said, I didn't get around town. And I haven't had before then, like, I was a child.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Savannah]

And it's like, I feel like, especially a very small. Like, I don't think feel like any of that really counted.

[Maria]

Yeah. I also feel like in Dallas, like, everyone in that scene knows each other. And I feel like you were never in that scene. So I don't know how that was, like, going back.

[Savannah]

It was just crazy. Like, hanging out with one group that knew another group that knew because I was, like, bebopping around different groups of people. Like, not men. Okay. Like, just friend groups. And, I mean, thank God I didn't sleep with everyone, because everyone knows everyone in Dallas. I'll tell you that. So anyway. Yeah. So.

[Maria]

Oh, Sterling.

[Savannah]

Sterling. Yes.

[Maria]

I was like, we have strayed so far from the story of how y' all met.

[Savannah]

Okay.

[Maria]

So I forgot where we. What we were talking about again.

[Savannah]

Not really attracted to people when. Just cool. Like, I. It's like, okay, have you ever known. This is like, a weird thing. I don't want you to get your feelings hurt. Oh, no. Okay.

[Maria]

Why is it personal?

[Savannah]

Just, like, when I met you. Okay. Like, okay. It's like a thing. When you love somebody, they immediately become more beautiful in your eyes.

[Maria]

Are you about to say that I was ugly when you met me?

[Savannah]

I didn't say that. You said that. I was gonna say that. I didn't think, like, now, like, I think you are, like, one of the most beautiful human beings in the entire world. But when I first met you, you were just a dude.

[Maria]

Yeah, I mean, it was also, we've. We've changed a lot since then. Okay.

[Savannah]

But still. But, like, okay. Titi pretty much looks the same as when she, like, she's, you know, pretty much the same. Like, I've always thought Maria was pretty, but now I think, like, Maria is, like, one of the most beautiful humans because I know her soul. Like, that's what makes me love her so much more and see her as so much more beautiful, because I know what her soul's like. And so again, for me, it's like the outer shell. I don't know. It just doesn't do anything for me. If I watch these TV shows, like Love island, all that, I don't look at a guy and I'm like, oh, my God.

[Maria]

It's like looking at black and white versus a beautiful.

[Savannah]

I would never cheat because they would have to have a very long conversation with me for me to even be attracted to them.

[Maria]

Yeah, you would. Yeah, yeah. On Love island.

[Savannah]

You're. Remember that one? You know, that one guy?

[Maria]

Mm. Mm.

[Savannah]

Never was attracted to him.

[Maria]

Never ever.

[Savannah]

But then we started chatting, we started talking.

[Maria]

It was more than a high. Bye.

[Savannah]

It was more than a high. Bye.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Savannah]

Yep.

[Maria]

Then things changed.

[Savannah]

Then things changed. Yep, for sure. But anyways, back to Sterling. So, like, like, he's not. I didn't think he was unattractive. I was just, like, a dude. Cool. Met him and it was his birthday weekend, and he was at Hindy's, and he came up to me and he was like, you're Savannah, I'm Sterling, and we're in love. And I was like, so over men at this point. I said, oh, really? And he said, yeah, really. You'll see. I said, mm. And then what happened then? Then, like, we just, like, kind of. Oh. He dmed me, said, Ms. Savannah Bota, can I get your number? And I just sent him my number, texted me, and then I ignored him for, like, four days. Not on purpose. I just didn't care because I had no ties to this man. But once you get Savannah's ties, our condolences.

[Maria]

Yeah, you'll be getting texts.

[Savannah]

You'll be getting texts. You'll be getting calls. Okay, I'm locked in. I'm 0 to 100. Like, if I don't fuck with you, I don't fuck with you. But if I fuck with you, I really fuck with you. So then he asked me on a date, and then I canceled the day before because I had another date that I was more excited about.

[Maria]

Was that the one where you came to my place before and you got picked up at my place, or was that different time?

[Savannah]

That was a different date.

[Maria]

Okay.

[Savannah]

Been on a few dates.

[Maria]

Dates are fine.

[Savannah]

Dates are fine.

[Maria]

Legs were closed.

[Savannah]

Legs were closed. This was the guy that fixed my door. Doorman.

[Maria]

Okay. Nitpicking, man.

[Savannah]

Huh?

[Maria]

Nitpicking.

[Savannah]

What does that mean?

[Maria]

Wait, is that the same one that came to the spa? Yeah, nitpicking, man.

[Savannah]

Anyway, so went on a date. And it was good. Like, he's super sweet guy, a great guy. And then I went on the date with Sterling, and it was just, like, right away, I just, like, felt it, and I've not felt that with anyone. And I was able to, like, talk to him about a lot of, like, my stuff, and he was able to talk to me about, like, a lot of, like, his past. And he. It was just, like, very thoughtful. Like, a lot of the things that he had done after being in relationships are, like, very bare minimum things. He knew I liked. Conspiracy theories. So he printed out a bunch of conspiracy theories that we could talk about. And I just thought that was so sweet and just how intentional he was. Most guys like, oh, yeah, we'll go eat in Dallas. But he was like, oh, it's a work night. You have a son. I'm gonna come to you, take you somewhere close to your office so you can get home at a certain time. Like, just, like, very mindful of, like, my me being a mother and not, like, a guy making me. Like, do you remember that one day that I went on and that guy dragged me all the way out to Dallas and then was like, we're not even getting appetizers or food. We're just drinking. And I'm like, I haven't ate.

[Maria]

Yeah. All day and then buy my own fucking dinner.

[Savannah]

This guy did no, like, research on me. Remember this? Did I tell you about this? And then the whole time, he was like, yeah, you can tell people that. Come from broken homes, divorced parents. You can tell some of my buddies, you can tell that they have divorced parents. I would never get divorced. Divorce is the worst thing you can do to a child. It is just the worst thing ever in the entire world to get divorced. Divorce, divorce, divorce. And I'm just sitting there like.

[Maria]

And this was like.

[Savannah]

And I was like, you know, I'm divorced with a child. He was like, no way. And I was like, yeah, I love divorce.

[Maria]

No.

[Savannah]

And he asked him on a second date, too. And I was like, I'm never seeing this fucking man again. Anyway, was that not so funny? I was like, homeboy really was just like, she's hot. Let's go on a date. No research on me.

[Maria]

Yeah. Like, was he trying to, like, be like a family man or something? Is that what?

[Savannah]

Like, I don't know.

[Maria]

Okay.

[Savannah]

But I was just like. At first I thought it was a joke. I was like, he has to know who I am. It was not a joke. He had no clue. Anyways, back to Sterling. So then that happened. And then I think I ghosted him after the first date for a bit.

[Maria]

Too fair.

[Savannah]

Because I was like, I don't know, I just. I had a lot going on.

[Maria]

But it's also like, you were still free at that point.

[Savannah]

Yeah, I mean, I really, like, enjoyed my time with him. We didn't even kiss after the first date or anything.

[Maria]

Impressive.

[Savannah]

I know. And it was like, fine. It was good. And then the snowstorm happened and Cyrus went to his dad's for a bit. And I was like, all alone with no fucking water heater. And so I was like, I'm gonna invite him over. And he was like. Which was, okay, this is so sweet. And I just remembered this a couple days ago when he was telling us this story to one of his friends, and he had asked me, he was like, are you gonna have your son this weekend? If not, like, I'd love to come see you. Cause he has, like, a sports car. So he was like, I was gonna go get. He was gonna go rent four wheel drive so he could come out and see me.

[Maria]

Oh, wow. I didn't know this.

[Savannah]

And I didn't answer. Like a fucking bitch.

[Maria]

Okay.

[Savannah]

Like, how intentional is that? Like, planning ahead, like, knows there's a snowstorm, knows he's into me, wants to date me and wants to come see me, but has a sports car.

[Maria]

Yeah. No, you can't.

[Savannah]

So I say nothing. Apparently. He tells us. He's like, you did not answer. I'm like, just cooking me. Anyway, so I Don't answer him. And then I text him. Like, he's like. And he was so sweet. Cause I probably would have been a cunt if, like, a guy. Like, I liked a guy a lot. And I was trying to be, like, intentional and be like, oh, like, let me get a car. And then they're like, don't say anything. And then they're like, yo, what's up? And be like, I'm not fucking going. Like, fuck you. Like, I gave you. You an opportunity. Like, fuck you. But he didn't do that.

[Maria]

You're like a cat, though. We always talk about this with skincare companies. I guess it's with men, too. Like, you have to go to them, not the other way around.

[Savannah]

Yeah, I wasn't ready. Yeah, I was still figuring some things out. So anyway, so then my friend Marissa, she had a driver in Dallas that, like, was, like, taking her to the fucking club, I guess, in the snowstorm. And she was like, if you want to go anywhere, like, this guy can get you. And I was like, I'm gonna make him go pick up this man and bring him to my house. And I did.

[Maria]

Wait, run that back for a second. Maria just texted me, so I got distracted. A man picked up Sterling and brought him all the way to your house. I did not know this part of

[Savannah]

this Ice in the ice.

[Maria]

Wait, was this, like, an ice Uber? Wait, who was this?

[Savannah]

His name was Joaquin.

[Maria]

Okay. And he was just, like, giving people lifts.

[Savannah]

He was just, like, making money, dude.

[Maria]

Oh, okay. Okay, okay, okay.

[Savannah]

And, like, just, like, he was, like, a private driver.

[Maria]

Oh, okay.

[Savannah]

Not even Uber. He's like, okay. Has his own, like, car service.

[Maria]

Yeah, no, he could not have driven out to you, because I had. I had. I had, like, his car as a rental during the ice storm. And I tried to. I lived two minutes away from Las Palmas, and I tried to drive there, spun out, turned back around, and went back in. Yeah, like, you could not drive an inch in one of those cars.

[Savannah]

Yeah. So I have this driver pick him up. I'm like, bring me this man to my house. And he did. And then we went and ate. Joaquin took us somewhere to eat and then dropped us off. And then I was, like, not thinking, and I was like, fuck, he's stuck here.

[Maria]

Oh, yeah. A thousand percent.

[Savannah]

And I didn't think about that. I was like, oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no, Joaquin. What am I gonna do? What I'm gonna do? I was like, if worse comes worse, I'm calling Joaquin. Okay. We had such a lovely time. Like, Such a lovely time. He slept in my bed, didn't touch me at all, period. Okay. Fully clothed for three nights. Didn't even try to make a move. We did kiss, apparently, because he was like, do you remember our first kiss? I was like, no.

[Maria]

Mako did.

[Savannah]

But I'm pretty sure I was like, well, I gardened. I'm sure. And then he was like, I rolled over. It was in my bed. And he was like, can I give you a kiss? And I was like, sure. I was like, yeah,

[Maria]

yeah.

[Savannah]

So he gets mad because I don't remember all these very specific details.

[Maria]

I feel you on that one about

[Savannah]

our relationship, but I just didn't know. If I had known that it would go the way it went, I probably would have tried to remember those moments. But I was just like, you know, love was fleeting at the time. I had no hope in men.

[Maria]

I couldn't identify with you stronger right now.

[Savannah]

Yeah.

[Maria]

The whole beginning portion of me and Ryan.

[Savannah]

Yeah. Over your head. I know. Exactly. So then that happened. And then he stole my car keys because he was so obsessed with me and wanted to see me again. And so then he had to come bring me my car keys. And I was like, haha. And then we just like fell in love really fast. And I think it really shocked everyone because it takes a lot for me want to be with somebody like that publicly. And like hard launched. I hard launched him before Tyler met him and everyone was like a little shocked. But he's like a really, really good guy. Like he's a good guy. He was just a good man. So I'm happy.

[Maria]

I'm happy you're happy.

[Savannah]

We had to like go through, you know, every relationship has like little things. Like I think I've been so used to being in my masculine for so long that I like have to like, it's so subconscious. So I have to like consciously like try to be like softer. Mm. So that's something I'm working on. And also I love self sabotaging. It's like the Savannah special things go good. I'm like, let's make this man hate me.

[Maria]

Let's shake things up.

[Savannah]

Like let's fucking say some crazy shit and see how he responds.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Savannah]

Because like, if we want to get deep about my problems and love because someone might relate to this. And also, mom, if you're listening, it's okay. But it's not okay. But it's okay. Growing up, love for me was like very based on like what you did for someone, you know, like, I had to work really, really, really hard. Conditional love Conditional love To receive love that was just like. How was. My mom's? A lot better now. We've worked through it. Namaste. Everything's fine.

[Maria]

It's unconditional, no.

[Savannah]

It's unconditional. No. But a very pivotal part of my life because my mom was a very unhealed person having children, and that's my grammy's fault.

[Maria]

Run it up the chain yeah, run

[Savannah]

it up the chain I used to be pissed at my mom for, like, a lot of stuff, but then I, like, had different. Just a different lens on, and I was like, no. Like, I feel sad for her. Like, a lot of people didn't go to therapy and get the help they needed. Just wasn't as well known as it is now. And I think, like, if my mom, she was just doing her best, and, like, a lot of the things that she did, she wasn't really cognizant or aware of, like, how they would affect me until, like, it affects you.

[Maria]

I mean, not that there's better or worse, but after hearing some of the stories about your mom growing up, she went through the wringer with me. No, no, no. Your mom growing up.

[Savannah]

Oh, yeah. My mom went through a lot. A lot.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Savannah]

And I didn't really know a lot of that until I got older and, like, she shared that with me, and I was like, makes sense, like, why you did a lot of the crazy shit you did. So anyways, love was just always, like, something you worked for and, like, you had. Like, it was just every day you start at zero, and you try to get your parents to love you as much as you possibly can. And then next day, it's at zero again. And so I was always taught that, like, love was only worthy if I had to, like, prove myself or, like, fight for it. And that's why I always, like, growing up in the, like, three years that I dated 14 to 17 or whatever, I always liked really avoidant men because I was like, this is a challenge. This is fun. Like, if somebody just, like, comes up to me and is like, I love you. I'm scared. I'm like, you don't fucking know me. How could you love me? And so I have this weird thing where it's like, I want people to see, like, the worst of me, and if they can still love me, then I feel safe with them. But I don't, like, fake stuff or just, like. I don't know. It's like, I need to go through something traumatic with you or, like, have, like, Some like, big, serious thing happen. So, like, I know I, like, I won't feel safe in a relationship with somebody until that happens. And I know that's not healthy. And like, I'm working on that. And like, thankfully Sterling's like, very patient with me because I don't like, want to be like that, but it's just like how I have always been that, like, if, you know, like when he came up to me, I was like, we're in love. And I was like, no, we're not. Like, what the. You know, and it's like, why am I so broken inside that, like, I can't accept that somebody just like can love me that soon? And like.

[Maria]

Well, not when shaking your hand, but.

[Savannah]

I know, but like within like two weeks, you know, people do it all the time, so I don't know. There was like always just that weird thing. And I think that's why I've only really felt safe with you because, like, there's so many times you could have walked away from me when my behavior was foul and you did it.

[Maria]

The problem is I get foul back.

[Savannah]

Yeah.

[Maria]

But we work it out.

[Savannah]

We do. And that was like one of the reasons I stayed in my marriage for so long. I was like, he's never gonna leave me, you know, like, he's seen the worst sides of me, I've seen the worst sides of him. And like, I don't know why that was comforting, but it was.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Savannah]

So anyways, that's something I've just kind of been working through. I feel like I got through that self sabotage era, which was like a four week process poor guy had to go through. But I'm like, aware of it now. I just, like in the moment, I didn't realize that I was purposely pushing him away and making him. Trying to get him to not like me. Yeah, I do that.

[Maria]

You do.

[Savannah]

I don't mean to do that, but I do that.

[Maria]

That's okay.

[Savannah]

And then he was like, just like called out all these little things that I had done. Not like weird shit. I wasn't cheating or talking to other men. It was just like, just being good. Kind.

[Maria]

Yeah. Or just like, I don't know what an example is.

[Savannah]

Like, things are going good and I'm like, so tell me about this girl that you follow.

[Maria]

Yeah, yeah. Like.

[Savannah]

Like why do I do, like.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Savannah]

But then it's so funny because when I don't care, like, I don't get. Like when I first met him, didn't give a fuck because I didn't love him now I do love him and so now I care too much.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Savannah]

Which is like my problem. It's like I either really care about something or like I could give like couldn't even be bothered with it. And once you're like dad to me, like you're dad to me, like homeboy that we were talking about earlier, you think about him. Don't like literally consume so much of my brain for a minute.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Savannah]

Haven't thought about him in months.

[Maria]

Yeah. I love that for you. That's how I am. I kill them off from my storyline

[Savannah]

but it's like so crazy at one point like I was like how much? Yeah, my heart, you know. So yeah, that's that on that.

[Maria]

I think that was a good, good amount of updates.

[Savannah]

I'm done.

[Maria]

Love you guys. Have a wonderful rest of your week.

[Savannah]

Happy Monday. Don't self sabotage.