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- [00:00]
A
Foreign.
- [00:06]
B
Hi, guys. Welcome back to another episode of the Blondest podcast. Today is a really special Monday because I have one of my favorite humans in the entire world that I have decided not to gatekeep because you guys need to experience her magic. But she has been such an instrumental part of my journey this past year, and just someone that has kept me really grounded and on my higher purpose and on my path. You guys know this year was such a big year for me with business, my personal life, and also just myself, like, finding out who I am and what I want. So I found you. I don't know how I found you. Actually, I do. I was, like, googling. I think I saw something on TikTok about how trauma can be stored in your body. And this is around the time I had herniated the disc in my neck, and I just was not doing good and I didn't want to go the conventional route and I didn't want to get surgery. And so I started seeing you and a physical therapist, and you've changed my life in more ways than my neck. So introduce yourself. This is Ariel.
- [01:16]
A
It has been an honor to have witnessed you this last year and your growth and your true transformation of how you want to show up in the world. And to witness you has been such a freaking honor. I'm Ariel. I'm a emotional somatic coach, and I really mix the neurology and the emotions and the body together because we are a spiritual, mental, emotional, physical being. And so we have to hit all the different levels if we want to have true, holistic, full body healing.
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B
Yeah.
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A
Yeah.
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B
That's amazing. And then there were just so many things that, you know, I didn't realize caused me to react to certain things in certain ways. And just trauma responses, mental blocks, and just a lot of, like, rewiring and reteaching your body, how to feel safe in itself and in situations.
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A
Because trauma is not what happened. Trauma is your response to what happened and your relationship to what happened. So things happen in our life and then we have beliefs that go with them. So what we can do now, because in the present moment, those things are no longer happening. How do we then create a different association with those experiences so that we can create a different future for ourselves?
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B
I love that.
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A
Yeah.
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B
So I'm really open on my podcast and, you know me in general.
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A
Oh, I know.
- [02:35]
B
She's like, I don't have to pull anything out of you. Usually sometimes when I'm in my moods where there's so much to talk about. Oh, my God. But one of the things that I do that also Tyler doesn't love that I do is. And you've noticed this, like, if I'm not in the headspace to talk about feelings and like, I have to be in that. I have to be like that. You know what I mean? Like, I will completely shut off if I have, you know, to be on autopilot. Like, I told you that one day I was like, I just can't get into this. Like, I'm not. Like, it'll throw me off what I have to do this week. Like, that's just too heavy. Like, I just can't do it. And so Tyler's very. He's my best friend. Obviously, everyone knows he's very level headed. He's really good at regulating. I wouldn't say really good. He's decent at regulating his emotions. But like, I. When I open that can of worms, I just, like, it just all pours out. Like, I just let it go.
- [03:31]
A
Right.
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B
And so that's been something that I feel like you've really helped me with is like, you know, you can't put your feelings on a shelf or it just builds and then you have physical symptoms of that.
- [03:44]
A
So there's an important aspect to mention of capacity. Your ability to process anything is the capacity of your body. And so if you're not in a space that you have the capacity because you're running a business, because you're building a house, because you were going through divorce, because all of these different things.
- [03:57]
B
Yeah, it's like, you know, I need to be in mom mode right now.
- [03:59]
A
Like, I can't totally. And so it's. It's something to be able to honor oneself and be like, okay, I know these things exist and it's not you putting them on the shelf, it's you being able to be like, if I do this right now, I don't have the capacity to do the rest of my life. So it's actually a skill. It's not something that's really negative. Um, and also, yeah, if we do not actually choose to process what is being stored in our body, it gets stored chemically into our system and then it causes dis ease and long term amounts of disease creates illness. And so for. It's so interesting if we hold it in our systems for lifetimes, we look at people having gut dysbiosis and we see people having cancers and we see people having dementia and all these different things that can correlate. I'm not saying it's the only reason, but it's something that can deeply correlate to how we're able to actually process our emotional experience.
- [04:50]
B
It's amazing. Wow. I love that. It's just so interesting to me. I mean, all of it.
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A
It's so interesting to me too.
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B
Yeah.
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A
Like watching my own experience change, watching my body change. I am in the healthiest, strongest physical body I've ever been in, making the most money I've ever made and the most love I've ever experienced. And it all comes to my reprogramming all the beliefs that I've had about what it means to be in love, what it means to have money, what it means to be in a healthy body. Watching my pain literally change based upon what I believe about myself and about others is bonkers. So everything that I use with you, I use with myself continually, daily. And watch it change my own life. It blows my mind. It blows my mind.
- [05:32]
B
So for those that are like, not really aware or understand what it is that you do, like, what is the best way to, to describe what you do and how you do it?
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A
Okay, so I live by five rules. One, and the, the five rules are my only jobs are to one, go, two, is to love myself fully through it. Three, trust my body, four, trust my mind, and five, to breathe. Yeah, everything goes, goes in that. Learning to create a mind that you can trust, creating a relationship with your body to make it an ally, not an enemy, to breathe through the process when things come up that you don't find lovable, and to go for it with bravery. And so what I do is help people in all those areas. So it is definitely a mix of conversation. And then from those conversations, I have this really uncanny ability to see what the beliefs are that people are holding underneath the words that they're saying. The words that we say are really powerful. And the things that we actually mean behind the things that, that we're saying is the thing that's propelling us forward through life. So I help people unravel that part of it. And then once we find those underlining beliefs that we believe about ourselves, that we believe about our bodies, that we believe about others and the world around us, we can then reprogram them.
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B
Yeah.
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A
So there's multiple different neurologic, neuro neurological tools that I use to help do that. And one is a frontal lobe therapy so we can figure out what. Which hemisphere of the brain trauma.
- [07:09]
B
Yeah, like that's so cool. We do this thing. And I love it. I think it's the most interesting thing.
- [07:13]
A
It is the Most interesting thing. I agree. So I started being a body worker. I've been a massage therapist for, since 2012. And in that I was helping a lot of people. I was working with SWAT teams and NFL teams and doing backstage for Broadway shows and bands and all this cool stuff. It was really fun and really, really incredible at my job and. But people still weren't healing. There was something that was on the underlining that I'm just like. And I wasn't healing and my body was in pain and other people's body was in pain. People just kept coming in the same over and over and over again. I'm like, there has to be something different. And so I went through this whole journey of trying different types of modalities and I fell upon this one called pdtr.
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B
Is that what we do?
- [07:58]
A
Proprioceptive Deep Tendon reflex. It was created by an orthopedic surgeon to help keep people out of surgery. And so the short of the long of that is it's called functional neurology and PDR. PdTR.
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B
PdTR.
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A
And how. I'm gonna go a little sciencey for a second, but so just in your hands, you have over 17,000 receptors, okay. In the whole entire body, there's millions. Each one of these receptors is telling information to your brain if you're safe or not. So your ability to know the difference between a rub or a smack or a mosquito bite or fire burning you or all of those different things are receptors in your skin. We also have what's called, oh my gosh, my brain. Just spinothalamic receptors which have to do with how the brain processes emotions. So we process emotions in the limbic system part of the brain. Okay, so this work with the PDTR is working with the, the receptors in our body. And so we can, I mean, I fixed scoliosis in 30 minutes once I. I can like the way if we actually get to the root of why the body is functioning the way it is, we can shift a lot of things. Then I started studying underneath Dr. Perry Nicholson. He's on Instagram as stopchasing pain. He is one of the most incredible lymphatic doctors you will ever find. And he shared with me that there's actually a hierarchy of importance for survival. Number one is the limbic system, how the brain processes emotions. Number two is the lymphatic system. Number three is the gut. Number four is the nervous system. All the way down at nine. Ten is your point of pain. So most people are doing a bottom up approach, working from the point of pain, massage therapy, chiropractic, all this stuff is going up, which is important and needed. And we need to do a bottom up approach. What I started working with was the lymphatic system and realizing like, oh my gosh, we can change the lymphatic system. People change the nervous system. Doing PDTR nervous system work, people are changing. Then I found one part of the PDTR work is that we can actually manipulate the limbic system, how the brain processes emotions and then everything can change. So at the bot, bottom up and a top down approach to be able to create change in the body. So then from that neuro work I started really diving into like, okay, but how do we get to that stuff? And then I got, I'm a master coach and what's called the, the condor concepts, which is about integration of life experiences. It started out being about psychedelic integration, but it's actually integration of your life because we're integrating everything. You're integrating your day, you're integrating this conversation. I'm integrating this conversation. Everything in life is about integration. And all humans want three things. To feel safe, to feel connected, and to feel fulfilled. And for us to actually get into fulfillment, we have to feel safe.
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B
Yeah.
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A
And so it's really about that level of the foundation of how do we find safety? And then from that safety point, can we actually move into truly connecting with ourselves and others and then move into fulfillment spaces? Most people will bypass that. Alcohol, drugs, sex, social media, whatever the fuck they want to use. Instead of really coming to the point that like, holy shit, there's parts of myself that does not feel safe. How do I get into safety so that I can find true connection and fulfillment, which is in my body, which is in my life, which is in my money, in my relationships. All of that is possible when we get to the foundation of safety. So long, short. Keep going.
- [11:23]
B
I love it. No, it's amazing.
- [11:25]
A
Yeah.
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B
I feel like that's been such a huge thing and I feel like I don't even know. How long has it been since we've been working together, girl?
- [11:31]
A
A year. A year in February. Isn't that so cool?
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B
And you're more than welcome to share because I don't remember all of it. I was in such a dark place when I found you. What were the big things other than I was like, I don't know if I want to be married or not. I know I don't, but I don't know how to not be. That was one. And what else was like my biggest things, like do you feel like when we had our first call.
- [11:58]
A
Oh, my gosh, our first call girl, that was so long ago. Let me think.
- [12:05]
B
Like, what did you notice when you first met me the first day?
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A
Yeah, I meet a lot of people, babe.
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B
Just like, I don't know.
- [12:15]
A
I think that just, like, the theme has been really tough. Truly embody who you are and be the most savannah savannah that ever savannahed. And any blocks that were keeping you from that based on childhood experiences and. And like, whoever, whatever has been stopping you from feeling safe to fully express yourself, I think was a big theme and in that relationship dynamic you were in was one of them. And being so seen on social media and things like that can impact how you. How you choose to see yourself. So I feel like a lot of our work has been around building you into being so confident in your words and your story and who you are to show other people that it's safe for them to be themselves, too.
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B
Yeah.
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A
And that has been so fun to watch you do that this year.
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B
Yeah. I remember one of the calls that I had with you. I was like, you know, I just felt so much shame around my success. Like, I felt guilty, you know, I remember I was telling you, I was like, I feel bad, you know, sharing stuff. Like, I feel like I want to keep it all, like, a secret. Like, I don't want people to think I'm like, a bad person. And you're like, what does having money and being successful, how does that make you a bad person? And I. It's one of the beliefs that I've always had. And I was like, you're right. Like, why do I have this belief? Like, why do I feel that? And it's a projection on myself that, like, I've always looked at people that were successful and had things, and, you know, we're like, oh, they must be like a bad person, you know, and it's like, I'm not. And so that was like a. Not that that was like life or death, like, to share that aspect of my life. But that was, you know, something I was like, I really want to share, like, my home building process. I want to share, you know, just more own, like, what I've done and not be so afraid of it. Because I used to always, you know, catch myself saying, like, we this or, like, we that. And it was like, there's no we. Like, it was. It's. I did that. I've done this. Like, there's no one else, you know, and that was really hard for me to own because it stressed me out a lot. And again, like, I was just like, I felt like the more I owned who I was, the more negativity I would have. And I would say that I have had more of that since I have owned what I am and who I am. But I also think it's inspired a lot of people too. And I think you just have, like, you know, there's the good with the bad, and like, everything is just. You can't take on other people's belief systems. And also being able to like, change the way that you view the world, like, that's like such a big thing that you've helped me like kind of step out of myself and see things in a more neutral stance. And that's been really big. And then also just a lot of like, abandonment. Stuff like that, you know, was a really big wound for me, was abandonment and just not feeling like I had anyone ever that stayed in my life, you know, and like, could truly every, like, the good, bad, the ugly, like, love me through that. And that's been like, really cool to like, kind of see me start to let go of that. But now I think the biggest thing that we're working on now that I'm single.
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A
Dating.
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B
Dating is crazy. Single.
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A
Can I speak to those?
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B
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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A
All humans struggle with three core wounds. Abandonment, betrayal, and shame.
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B
Yeah.
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A
All of us do in some sort of fashion.
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B
Yeah.
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A
And so you're not the only one that has abandonment wounds.
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B
Yeah.
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A
Most people have the trifecta. I have the trifecta. Some people may have just one lucky people, but most people struggle with all three of those things. How it shows up in their life will be different. But we all have. Have those themes. So your abandonment wound may show up completely different than mine. And that's like, the skill of this work is finding that that is the core space.
- [16:06]
B
Yeah. You're like, why do I keep doing this? Like, why am I seeking out certain people in my life? Like, why do I keep attracting this type of person? And it's like all goes back to that.
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A
Yeah. And the. The antidote to abandonment is commitment.
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B
Yeah.
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A
The antidote to betrayal is loyalty. And the antidote to shame is honor.
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B
Yeah.
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A
So if we're in a space of abandonment, it's like, how do I commit to myself when I keep self abandoning for whoever, whatever, at any point in time? How the fuck do I start committing to me? It'll change everything.
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B
Yeah.
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A
Yeah. And then what you were saying about your success, it reminded me of how it was impossible to run a 4 minute mile. People tried so hard to run a 4 minute mile until one person did. And then after that, that next, like six months, there was like 10 people that were able to do it. It's like the moment that we even see it as an actual possibility for a human, we can then accomplish it ourselves. And so that's why I was so pushing you to feel safe enough to express all of the beautiful things that you've done. Because there will be two types of people. There'll be people that are like, oh, my God, I can do that too. What? And there's gonna be people like, fuck her. Yeah, right? And there's both. And so we take both. If we can't take the cortisol or the dopamine from either one of them, we get to just be like, thank you so much. Either way.
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B
Yeah.
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A
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for not loving me. However you want to roll. But I am, I am activating something in you. I'm activating something in you. Either your hope or the feeling that, you know, you can't have that. You're welcome.
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B
I love plot stuff. It really. Yeah. I mean, it's just crazy.
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A
Like, the.
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B
I think for me, I remember the three big things when I started working with you was I either wanted to fix my marriage or be out of it. I wasn't sure where I wanted to be at that point. And then I wanted to be able to own who I was 100% and not hold back. So I was like, you know, this is stuff I really want to share. This is stuff I want to do. But I was so scared of criticism. I played it really, really safe for a while on social media. And I didn't, you know, fully put myself out there, which some people like, oh, you've always been out there. But, like, I feel like now, like, I've just been so much more open.
- [18:24]
A
It's a feeling on the inside, right? It's like they may see whatever they want to see, but it's how you're showing up.
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B
I was funny again, you know, Like, I wasn't so, like, I feel like I was in the stage where I was like, everyone wants to cancel you. Like, you can't even make a. Like, even, like, if the joke's not even offensive, like, there's just. You can't please anybody. Like, people are going to be upset, you know, so that. And then I think too was just figuring out who I was outside of work. I think when I came to you, I was very much. My identity was tied to The Dallas esthetician. I didn't know who Savannah Boda was outside of being the Dallas Esthetician. Like, that was the same person to me. And in some ways, you know, it is, but there's also like, Savannah not at work is an awesome, wonderful person, you know, and I was able to find a life outside of work and, you know, really understanding just myself more and like the decisions that I've made. And you know, I always say this to you and anyone in my life, but, like, everything happens for you and not to you. And I'm really thankful for my journey and my path. Even though it's like, obviously, you know, not the easiest, but, like, I feel like that's part of it. You know, it's like going through all of that, it gives you so much wisdom and able to help other people and like, just have more compassion and like those victories almost feel sweeter because you know what it's like, like going through such hard times, which sometimes you disagree with me on this because I told her the other day, but that that was fair because that was about love. Because that's what I want. We're gonna talk about is. I don't even wanna call it dating because these men are not men. They're not. But there's something so fucking broken in me, Ariel, that we're gonna fix eventually. It's like. It's a. It's a process.
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A
You know how I feel about that?
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B
Yeah.
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A
That there's nothing broken. That everything is in perfect timing. Like, if things actually happen the way that is in my hair, if things actually happen the way that we as humans wanted them to happen, it would be so much more chaotic.
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B
Yeah.
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A
It is so perfect. You're so perfect. I'm so perfect. Everybody is so perfect in exactly where what is going on for them because inevitably this is all for our becoming. So there's nothing wrong with you. Who knows when this thing is going to develop for you to be in the. In the most love and be able to be with. With a man who shows up for you the way that you would like for a man to show up for you. Who knows when that's going to be? It could be tomorrow for all we know. We don't know.
- [20:43]
B
Yeah, yeah. No, that's true.
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A
But I really like, that is such an important piece is like we're so in the society that things need to be fixed. Things are broken that we need to do all this stuff to fix ourselves. There is nothing to be fixed. That is a shame dynamic that is running the Underbelly of our whole society.
- [21:00]
B
What if they're like a piece of shit?
- [21:03]
A
It's like functional for something. Yeah, it's fun. It's functional for keeping them safe. It's functional for.
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B
What if they're murdering puppies like, you think they shouldn't be fixed?
- [21:13]
A
There is extremes to everything, for sure. Like, if we want to talk about extremes, we're going to get to these, like, nuances. Yeah, nuances. And deep polarizations and things that don't necessarily, like, serve the purpose of this conversation, you know, like. Yeah, like, is murdering baby puppies terrible? Absolutely right. Like, but that's not what we're talking about.
- [21:37]
B
Yeah. Well, one of the things that we worked on last time that I thought was really important because I was kind of telling you how I feel. Like I have to work for love. And if I don't have to work to be loved, then I don't want it. And I've always felt like that was like a childhood thing for my parents. And again, it's not good or bad. And. Hi, mom and dad. I know you're listening. I'm not shitting on you. It's just. And that's what is so hard to have conversations. Because people get. They take things so deeply and personally and it's like a lot of things happen the way they had to happen so that I could have the experiences that I had.
- [22:12]
A
It reflects people's own woundings.
- [22:14]
B
Yes.
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A
And that's why they get defensive, because they identify with it as themselves. When they are things that happen. It doesn't mean that's who the person is.
- [22:21]
B
Yeah, yeah. And I thank my parents for a lot of it because honestly, you know, who knows what kind of person I would have been if I had parents who thought I shit rainbows and butterflies every second. Like, I could do like literally nothing and they'd be like, like, that's our girl. You know, like, my parents were like a little bit more hard asses and a little bit more like, you know, at times, you know, there's extremes. There are times where for sure, it was like a lot and other times where it was like, kind of like, okay, yeah, like, you know, my parents wanted me to like, work to be. I don't think you should ever work to receive love. But I did go through some of that with them and like, had to like constantly prove myself. But then it kind of conditioned me that if I don't have to go through pain and like, if I don't have to prove my worth, then it's like, not safe. Like, and that I felt. I felt safe with love like that for a really long time. And still I do. I like when I find myself single and, like, you know, I want to be. I want to work. Like, I want to, like, be, like, I want to challenge. Like, I. Like that excites me. Like, I'm like, I want to put myself through hell for the hope that they'll finally come around. And that's like, obviously not the best situation, but kind of like the analogy. I told you. It's like if you're going to see, like, a beautiful view on the top of a mountain, like, if I just took, like a fancy little helicopter and got dropped off right at the top and looked at it, like, I'm not going to appreciate it the way I would if I was like, breaking a sweat, cut my knee open, like, bled a little bit. Like, I'm dry heaving, like, threw up, you know, a little dehydrated, like, a little nauseous. And then I'm like, climbing up that mountain. It took me like 10 hours to do it. And then I get to the top, I'm going to be like, wow, no. And then I'm like, this is great, you know, and it's like, now I can appreciate, like, I deserve that view. Like, I wouldn't feel like I deserve the view if I took the easy way out. And it's. And that's so weird that my brain associates that with, like, love. That, like, I have to go through hell for it to be worth something or for me to feel safe. Because I think there's something in me that it's like, if someone just shows, comes up with, like a cup of love and they just met me, it doesn't feel genuine to me. I'm like, you know, and I think there's again, there's. There's extremes. Like, there's love bombing, right? And there's also just like, normal, healed people that just are genuine and kind.
- [24:42]
A
And have you experienced that yet?
- [24:46]
B
Yeah, and I get scared of it.
- [24:48]
A
So it's a safety issue. Yeah, that's all it is, is it's like how to train your brain to feel safe when that type of love is pregnant, present. When that type of love is present. That's what it's about. And it's. It takes time. It didn't. You didn't have this belief structure in your brain overnight. It was built over time, lots of time. The energy moves quickly, beliefs move quickly, emotions move quickly, Mind moves quickly. Physical reality takes time. So as these Beliefs are, like, actually in your physical body. And how you show up, it's like, you show up, someone responds to you in a way that is safe. You go. And your body, like, contracts. And then you're like, there's something wrong with them. There's something wrong with this experience.
- [25:31]
B
Like, almost it just clicked for me. It's like, what I find safe is what I'm used to. Like, what you're used to might be safe, even though it's not actually, like, other people's definition of safe.
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A
Yeah. People rather stay in the certainty of what they think is safe than be in the uncertain, because at least in the space that they're in, they know what it is.
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B
Yeah.
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A
They're too afraid to go out because if they go out, I always say.
- [25:53]
B
It'S like, people will stay in a familiar hell instead of going into an unfamiliar heaven because it is easier. It's, you know, the devil you've been dancing with for years. You know how you already know the song and dance, like, you're just replaying the song over and over again. And even if you get hurt, at least it's something that you are very much used to. And I think that's why people are staying like these toxic relationship patterns.
- [26:15]
A
The mind fuck of it, though, is they are so unhappy with it that that is a loop, that they're like, oh, man, I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. But I can't go over there because if I go over there, it could happen again. It's like, it's already happening. So why don't you go and have the possibility of it not happening?
- [26:30]
B
I think for me, what it is is it's like, if I'm gonna go poke a bear, like, I know I'm probably gonna get slashed, but if I'm gonna go try to poke a bunny and then I get attacked, like, then I'm, like, caught off guard. And that would ruin me more than, like, I already knew what the fuck I was getting into and I went to go fuck with that bear. You know what I mean?
- [26:47]
A
How do you. How are you able to identify if it's a bunny or a bear?
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B
You could just fucking know.
- [26:53]
A
Do you?
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B
Yeah.
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A
Because it sounds to me like it was actually a bear with bunny clothing.
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B
Yeah, that happens sometimes, too. Yeah.
- [27:00]
A
You know, like, I think that there's also discernment and there's the ability of slowing down and taking time so that you can figure out if this person is a bear or a bunny.
- [27:10]
B
Yeah.
- [27:10]
A
Or if they're a bear with A bunny with a bunny hat on. Yeah, yeah.
- [27:14]
B
Or bunny and a bear.
- [27:16]
A
Or a bunny and a bear. That happens a lot.
- [27:19]
B
It's crazy. Yeah, I think that's like the biggest thing. And I feel actually ever since we had our last session and really like worked through some childhood stuff that made me feel like I had to work for my love. I've been better and I've been making better choices.
- [27:33]
A
Look at you go. Yeah, yeah, I. I will speak to it and also let you speak to it. I'll just speak to like the, the theme of it that.
- [27:41]
B
Yeah.
- [27:43]
A
You know in Narnia when all the, the. There's all the frozen statue people. Right. That is what I see in humans. That we have parts of ourselves that have been frozen in time that are looping those same experiences, even though in the present moment those things are not happening anymore. Currently, none of that is happening. Literally right now, none of that is happening. But yet there's parts of us that can be frozen in those moments that we are then searching for that danger to keep happening to us. Right.
- [28:14]
B
Yeah.
- [28:14]
A
So the work that we did in our last session was truly about you going to an aspect of yourself where it was stuck and then unfreezing it so it could catch up to the present moment, so it could be here now and not living in the loop of that moment. Yeah, it was powerful to witness.
- [28:31]
B
No, it was crazy. And I don't cry.
- [28:32]
A
And I cried. Yeah, it's true.
- [28:34]
B
I don't fucking cry. It takes a lot to make me cry.
- [28:38]
A
I cry all the time.
- [28:39]
B
Yeah.
- [28:39]
A
At least once a year I'll try.
- [28:40]
B
To flex on people, but like, I don't cry. Like it's really. It's very difficult for me to cry.
- [28:45]
A
Nope, not me. So I'm such a huge fan.
- [28:47]
B
But you got me to cry. Yeah, it's crazy, but yeah, no, I.
- [28:51]
A
Feel I almost cried with you. It was such a powerful moment. Like I felt the rush of the emotion in my own body and it was just like, oh my God, that was so beautiful.
- [28:58]
B
Yeah. And just feeling like safe in that moment. It was wild.
- [29:01]
A
So cool.
- [29:02]
B
That is so cool. Yeah, it's just really been so interesting just having more self awareness about a lot of my certain traits and just the way I process things, the way I carry some of the things that were given to me through past lifetimes, through, you know, wounds from my own mother, my grandmother, my father, my grandfather. Like just feeling all that and how it relates to like what I go through now has been so eye opening and also Just, you know, I had all these feelings and I felt crazy and I felt like I didn't have anyone to talk to that like, understood them. And like being able to come to you, you're like, no, you're not psychotic. Like you're actually. That's. This is normal stuff that people just don't know what to do with and they don't know how to talk about it and they don't know how to rework that nervous system. And like the belief system that you have, and I think that's been so interesting too, is like a lot of decisions people make, it's based off their belief systems. And so you might be like, that's fucked up that they did that. But it's like in their belief system, it's not like they're very justified in what they're doing and why they're. And that's just made a lot of like, interactions that I have with different people. I feel like I have a lot more empathy than I used to. I've always been very empathetic, but like, even more so now, being able to just like, realize everyone's just trying to operate off of what they know, what they've been taught.
- [30:29]
A
Yeah. I'm actually coming out with a somatic toolkit to support people in that part. That it's like, okay, you've done all this work, you've done the talk therapy, you talked about the things you could actualize the shit that's happening in your mind and. But your body is still reacting and responding to those old ways of being. So I'm making this toolkit to support you in being able to get into the present moment now and support the body and feeling safe now so that all the things that you've been working towards can actually come to you. Yeah, it's so cool.
- [30:55]
B
So you work with a lot of clients. What's like the most common theme that you see?
- [31:01]
A
The most common theme? Self hatred. Most people don't like themselves and they won't admit it even to themselves. We will have. Myself included. Right. We will have these self deprecation the way that we will. Yeah, self sabotage. Keep ourselves from the things we want or don't talk to that person that we like or don't do that thing in our job or don't ask for the raise or whatever the thing is, because we don't find ourselves to be valuable or worthy enough. And that stems from a deep level. At some point in time we chose that we were not enough and that other people were more worthy and enough. And we chose that it was unconscious and it was most likely before the age of seven, but we chose that. And so it's truly about getting a person to be able to choose that they are lovable, to choose that they are enough, that they are the most them. Them that's ever themed. And they came into this human body to be them, not to be anyone else. And so it's truly about getting them to recognize who they are.
- [32:03]
B
I love that you say that.
- [32:05]
A
Yeah.
- [32:05]
B
Because that was like. And I didn't even know what I was doing when I made that switch. I don't know honestly how I did it at such a young age, but that was my life up until I started my business. Like, I, I called it cockblocking myself. Like, and I didn't know it was so subconscious. Like, I just, I'd get so close and then I would like purposely drop the ball, you know, because I was so scared. And it wasn't even, I think, I think the theme of self hatred, but also was just like the fear of failure when you give it your all. And it's like I never let myself fully invest in relationships, in school, in my physical health, fitness, beauty. I mean, I would always do something, I'd get so close, but then that last 10%, I would drop the ball. So that when I didn't inevitably get what I wanted, I wasn't, you know, I was like, well, if I gave it my all, like, maybe I would have got it. But like, you know, I did this to kind of like fuck it up. So it's like no harm, no foul, like, you know what I mean? Like, it made it so much easier to fail because it was just so I just, I wasn't mentally healthy or stable enough with my emotions and regulation to handle the disappointment of putting your all into a relationship, putting your all into your fitness, putting your all into your career and not winning.
- [33:23]
A
Because the question becomes, what happens if you do do that? Like, if you put all your all in and you failed, what does it mean about you? What would it mean if you actually let that happen back then, not now. But if you would have let that happen, what would it have meant about.
- [33:36]
B
You that was a failure.
- [33:37]
A
Yeah. And to even be able to come to terms with that, that there was some part of you that actually believed that. And so it was like trying to prevent that from happening so you would fail before you could actually fail so you could be like, oh, that's fine. I didn't actually fail. Yeah.
- [33:49]
B
Because I didn't really Try that hard. Exactly. Like, I would work out really hard, eat really clean all week, and then I would purposely sabotage and eat really shitty or do some, you know what I mean? Just so that when I got on the scale Monday morning and I didn't see what I wanted, I wouldn't be like, well, it's not because I didn't, you know, do enough. It's because I did this, you know, or like I'd purposely push away really great men before got into my marriage because I didn't feel worthy of that love. And I was like, I have to ruin this. And you know, a lot of times I would just do crazy shit. They would stay like, you know, and just. And then I would just eventually push people away to the point where, you know, because I felt like I didn't deserve it. And then same thing with like school, you know, I would study really, really hard all week and then I would just like pull an all nighter or like fucking just not study the night before or just like completely derail all the progress that I had made so that again, if I didn't make that hundred score, I'd be like, well, if I had like actually slept last night and studied like an 8 protein before school, like, I would have done better, you know. So I get that. And it was for me, I think I was just so sick of feeling so depressed and like stuck that I was like, what if, what, what if I just fucking try? What if I just completely grab like my life by the balls and like put myself in the driver's seat and stop being my own worst enemy? Like, stop. Like there's nobody else. It's not my teachers, it's not my personal trainer, it's not my boyfriend at the time. Like, it's nobody but me that is doing this. And I started to have to take a lot of accountability. And I think for me, I was 20, you know, when I did that. 20, 21, which is really young to figure that shit out.
- [35:36]
A
I'm telling you, girl.
- [35:38]
B
And so that's something where, you know, I was able to realize that. And then like, just again, I built what I built because of that. Like, I changed that belief system that like, I didn't deserve to have good life, you know, look what you've created.
- [35:53]
A
For yourself, it's so powerful.
- [35:55]
B
The mind is like I always say, your mind is. Your mindset's your most powerful asset. If you master the mind, you get everything you want out of life because that's the biggest thing in your way.
- [36:05]
A
You know, and how we do that is by deeply loving ourselves through all of it. All the parts that we have deemed unlovable, all the. All the mistakes that we have made, all the things that have led us, like truly being able to love it all. And it is in that can we master the mind. Because the mind is gonna. The mind, minds. The mind is going to mind. And the brain thinks over 80,000 thoughts a day. And most of those thoughts are negative. And so like back to those five rules of what your job is, right? It's one to create a mind that you love. It's to be able to create a mind that you trust and then be able to create a body that it's an ally to go for it. Don't stop. Love yourself through it and breathe. For the love of God.
- [36:48]
B
I hated the breathing exercise you made me do. That was my worst day with you and life.
- [36:55]
A
Nice.
- [36:55]
B
I fucking hated that.
- [36:57]
A
I don't even remember which breath work we did.
- [36:59]
B
Good.
- [36:59]
A
I do.
- [37:01]
B
That's trauma that we have to actually fix now. I hated that. Oh, my God, Taylor, you would have hated it. Like, you would have not liked it. She was making me breathe. Like, really?
- [37:11]
A
Oh, yeah. I remember. Oh, yeah, I totally remember. My tongue went everything. It was like Wim Hof style breathing.
- [37:16]
B
Oh, my God. I literally thought I was on like ayahuasca or something.
- [37:19]
A
Yeah, it's. Oh.
- [37:20]
B
And it was just from breathing and like my whole face was like vibrating. My body was. I felt like I was levitating off the bed. I never thought you could feel that way from breathing.
- [37:28]
A
Ugh. It's so powerful. It was awful. So powerful. To be able to be in your own body and feel high on your own supply and notice that your body has this ability to feel many things that.
- [37:38]
B
Oh, my God.
- [37:39]
A
Oh, my gosh. I started running. I'm a runner now. Woo. And I ran for the first time for like 45 minutes straight. And afterwards, the wobbly leg sensation that I felt. Holy crap. I've never felt that before in my life. I felt wobble legs from heavy weightlifting, but never from running. And I'm like, I am 35 years old. What other sensations have I yet to feel in my body that are possible from just being in my body and not being anywhere else? Right. Like not on drugs, not whatever, but just in my physical body. Powerful. This body is so powerful. The fact that we get to be in one, it's cool. It's very cool.
- [38:13]
B
Can you make Tyler do the breathing exercise at my next session?
- [38:16]
A
Absolutely.
- [38:17]
B
I want him to feel it. I have this really weird thing where, like, anything that I go through, I want Tyler to experience.
- [38:23]
A
I think you would love it.
- [38:24]
B
And, like, unfortunately, he can experience having a C section, or we could just cut you open. I just want him to, like, understand me more. He's, like, the one person that, like, really understands me. And it, like, sucks that, like, a lot of the things I go through, he can't.
- [38:39]
C
There was one time that her injector looked at her like she had a third eye because she was getting her lips dissolved. And then she asked, can I pay for Hyalinex to put into Tyler? I don't have any filler, so they would have just been dissolving nothing. And Savannah's always like that. Like, if she feels something, she wants me to feel it, too.
- [39:00]
B
You do.
- [39:01]
C
We share a brain cell.
- [39:05]
B
We do. Okay, guys, I hope you enjoyed this. We're gonna have a part two next Monday, so stay tuned. Try not to miss us too, too much.
- [39:14]
A
Bye.
- [39:14]
B
Bye.