In today’s episode I talk with author and cultural journalist Melissa Petro about her new book, Shame On: How to Be a Woman in the Age of Mortification. The book explores how, in a patriarchal society, shame is often weaponized against women, keeping them small and lessening their impact. Petro weaves in her own personal story, which included an early stint with sex work and her brush with public humiliation in 2011.

We also talk about Petro’s 20-year journey to a six-figure book deal, the challenges she had selling a previous (PEN-nominated) memoir, and how becoming a mother triggered deeper insights into her own experience with shame. Her journey included interviews with over 150 people, which allowed her to understand how shame can be used as a tool for social control.

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“I had this idea that I was going to write a memoir. And for the next 20 something years, I wrote, edited, revised, rewrote, pursued agents, went to the New School [to study] creative nonfiction, and I really was determined to write and publish a memoir. Only recently did it become the project it is.”

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Key Takeaways

* Shame as a weapon of control: The book argues that in a patriarchal society, women are indoctrinated to feel shame about almost every aspect of their lives—be it career, motherhood, or personal choices.

* Intersection with motherhood: Melissa’s experience as a mother deeply influenced her understanding of shame. “The shame I experienced as a mother was so profound and familiar," she says. It gave her a broader perspective on societal expectations.

* Hybrid memoir is a story bigger than yourself: A turning point in her writing journey came when her agent, Laura Mazer, told her she didn’t represent memoir. But she also suggested that her story could be about about something bigger. The work of excavating this bigger “what” shifted her writing career.

* Becoming a “shame whisperer”: Beyond her own personal story, the book incorporates insights from over 150 interviews. Melissa describes herself as a “shame whisperer,” someone people naturally open up to with their deepest, most shameful experiences.

* Confessional Essays: The confessional essay boom of the early 2010s was a pivotal moment for Petro and other women. Despite backlash, it gave women permission to tell their stories publicly, breaking down taboos. It led to stories about “complex sexual experiences, including assault and other forms of sexual violence,” which anticipated #MeToo by a few years.

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"Shame doesn’t do anything to make us better. It does not make us work harder. It doesn’t make us correct our behavior. Shame just suppresses us, puts us down, and keeps us from rising up."

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About Melissa Petro

Melissa Petro is a journalist whose writing has been featured in The Washington Post, Allure, Cosmopolitan, Rolling Stone, Good Housekeeping, The Guardian, InStyle, and many other national publications. She was a finalist for the PEN/Fusion Emerging Writers Prize, and she holds a bachelor in Women’s Studies from Antioch and an MFA in Creative Nonfiction from The New School. She lives with her husband and two young children in Upstate New York.

Credits

This episode was edited and produced by Chérie Newman at Magpie Audio Productions. Theme music is "The Stone Mansion" by BlueDot Productions.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit bookiwanttowrite.substack.com

From a rejected memoir to a 6-figure book deal with Melissa Petro

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