Don’t Cave

Summary

The Book Lisp with Jon Ryan & Sarah Colonna

Episode Title: Don’t Cave
Date: July 13, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this week’s lively episode of The Book Lisp, married hosts Jon Ryan (former NFL player) and Sarah Colonna (comedian/actress) return—fresh from their 10th wedding anniversary trip to Cabo—to dish out their trademark blend of humor, personal anecdotes, and bookish banter. With Judy Blume’s Summer Sisters as July’s book club choice, Jon and Sarah weave in nostalgic tales of summer jobs, disastrous family vacations, and thoughts on the current glut of psychological thrillers, all while keeping the episode spoiler-free for readers following along.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Personal Catch-Up: Back from Cabo & Life Updates

• Anniversary Vacation: Fresh from a trip to Cabo San Lucas, the couple shares snippets of their celebration—cats to feed, travel fatigue, and Jon’s upcoming stint in Portland.
• Jon’s Unusual Gig: Jon shares his experience officiating the group wedding of 32 couples at Walker Stadium for the Portland Pickles.
  • Quote: “I am marrying 32 people. 32 people are being married by Reverend Ryan.” — Jon [01:31]
• Patreon Content: Sarah gives a rundown of upcoming Patreon extras: short story reviews (including The Replacement by Liv Constantine), video podcasts, and behind-the-scenes banter.

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2. Book Chat: Judy Blume’s Summer Sisters (Spoiler-Free)

• The hosts emphasize their “no spoilers” policy until week four of the month, encouraging listeners to read along.
• August’s pick revealed: Gray After Dark by Noel Eiley.

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3. Current Reads & Reflections on Popular Authors

• Sarah on Frida McFadden’s The Divorce:
  • Sarah discusses frustration with “too many” similar psychological thrillers flooding the market, focusing on flat, naive main characters.
  • Quote: “The main character, as she’s written so far, is like...an idiot.” — Sarah [03:56]
  • She wonders if the author’s rapid output is affecting quality: “Are there too many coming out at once where we’re just sort of pumping them out to where they’re a little bit lifetimey right now...?”
  • Jon speculates on the writing process, suspecting a twist is brewing: “There almost has to be a huge twist coming. This character knows something all along.” [05:36]

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4. Love For (and Laughing At) Lifetime Movies

• Sarah’s passion for Lifetime movie absurdity surfaces.
  • Highlight: Upcoming title Crowning at the Prom—a pregnant prom queen goes into labor at prom—sparks raucous laughter.
  • Quote: “Not crowning at the prom. Are not crowning at the prom. And then also I was like, yeah, sign me up to watch Crowning at the Prom.” — Sarah [08:18]
• Jon confirms Lifetime’s self-awareness, referencing the Will Ferrell & Kristen Wiig parody movie.

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5. Anniversary Gift Reveal: AI-Generated Love Songs

• Jon surprises Sarah with a custom song—multiple versions!—using AI tools.
  • Detailed breakdown of the creative process (ChatGPT for lyrics, selection of musical style, resulting in country, ballad, metal, and punk versions).
  • Tearful laughter ensues when transitioning from the sentimental to punk rendition.
  • Quote: “But Sarah, do you want to hear the punk rock version now?” — Jon [13:37]

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6. Vacation Lowlights: Luxury Resort Problems

• Despite five-star accommodations, Jon laments the sweltering sheets and subpar pillows that tormented his sleep.
  • Quote: “Within five minutes I feel like I’m pouring sweat...these freaking pillows...” — Jon [14:38]

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7. Summer Jobs and Slacker Tales

• Sarah revisits her worst summer job: suffocating heat at a dry cleaners in Arkansas.
  • Reminder: “Be nice to your local dry cleaner—if they’re in a bad mood, it’s because they’re hot.” — Sarah [16:55]
• Jon tells how he coasted through a job at the famed (but failing) Maxwell’s amusement park/water park:
  • Boss disappeared, no one noticed he did the bare minimum.
  • “I pretty much just made sure I did my job just the lowest possible level available and then just remain quiet for the rest of the day.” — Jon [20:18]
  • Hilarious anecdotes about neglecting grass fertilization and nearly disastrous mower incidents.

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8. Favorite & Funny Family Vacation Stories

• Sarah recounts family camping trips, including a harrowing cave incident:
  • Family friend Virginia gets stuck spelunking—“I thought, this is it. I’m not getting out. Virginia’s gonna plug up the hole for the rest of my life.” — Sarah [29:19]
  • Tales of accident-prone Aunt Penny—falling into a grave during a funeral, getting her foot run over by a fire truck.
• Jon’s North Dakota summer vacations: Transmission failure leads to unexpectedly joyful days trapped in a Bismarck motel pool.
  • “We have the best fucking time ever...core memory.” — Jon [34:00]

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9. Travel Woes and Airplane Etiquette Rant

• The couple dissects a recent nightmare JSX flight:
  • Hot plane, chaotic family seat arrangements, unsupervised children, and a snatched baseball cap.
  • Memorable Exchange:
    • Sarah: “I handed [the kid] his hat and he looked at me like I stole it off his head.” [38:10]
    • Jon: “That kid was a little shithead.” [38:13]
  • Applauding flight attendant for finally enforcing AirPods: “Thank God for like having a spine...” — Jon [39:15]
• Reflections on how flying etiquette (particularly with kids) seems to be in a downward spiral.

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10. Closing & What’s Next

• Reminders: August’s book selection, upcoming Patreon content, and Sarah’s standup tour dates.
• Sarah: “Join the Book List Spinners Facebook group, and thank you guys for being here. It’s a lot of fun.”
• Classic sign-off banter over the show’s mispronounced title (“Book Lisp” vs. “Book List”).

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Notable Quotes

• “Be nice to your local dry cleaner—if they’re in a bad mood, it’s because they’re hot.” — Sarah [16:55]
• “In theory, these planes should be the quietest planes ever...but these grown adults, they want to talk all the way across.” — Jon [40:18]
• “I pretty much just made sure I did my job just the lowest possible level available and then just remain quiet for the rest of the day.” — Jon [20:18]
• “I thought, this is it. I’m not getting out. Virginia’s gonna plug up the hole for the rest of my life.” — Sarah [29:19]
• “That kid was a little shithead.” — Jon [38:13]
• “Not crowning at the prom. Are not crowning at the prom. And then also I was like, yeah, sign me up to watch Crowning at the Prom.” — Sarah [08:18]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:22 – Cabo vacation recap & Jon’s mass wedding gig
• 03:36 – Current reads: Frida McFadden’s The Divorce critique
• 07:47 – Lifetime movie love; Crowning at the Prom discussion
• 11:26 – AI-generated anniversary song story
• 16:46 – Summer job horror stories: dry cleaners & Maxwell’s amusements
• 27:46 – Soup-and-salad combos, more job tales
• 27:58 – Family vacation slapstick: spelunking mishaps & Aunt Penny’s grave
• 31:57 – Jon’s Bismarck motel summer
• 35:01 – JSX airplane saga: kid chaos and etiquette rants
• 41:01 – In-flight non-verbal marital communication
• 41:46 – Episode wrap-up and sign-off

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Overall Tone

The episode is light-hearted, candid, and filled with zany energy—anchored by Sarah’s self-deprecating humor and Jon’s Canadian deadpan. Their dynamic is affectionate, irreverent, and laced with comic observations about both literature and the absurdities of everyday life.

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For Next Week

• Updates promised on Jon’s mass wedding event and more details on Patreon bonus episodes.
• Summer Sisters spoiler discussion coming in week four.

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To keep up, join their Facebook group, follow their Patreon, or check out Sarah’s tour dates at sarahcolona.com.

Transcript

[A]

Hi, I'm Sarah Colonna.

[B]

And I'm John Ryan.

[A]

And you're listening to the Book List. The Book List.

[B]

The Book Lisp.

[A]

Oh, that's right. You're listening to the Book Lisp. Hello and welcome to the Book Lisp with John Ryan and Sarah Colonna. Hi, John.

[B]

Hello there.

[A]

It's good to see you. We just, just, we literally. Not, not literally, but I mean, literally, but about an hour ago, got home from Cabo San Lucas, where we were on vacation for our 10th wedding anniversary. We had a wonderful time. We got home, fed cats and immediately hopped on to record the book list for your, your next. This. Well, the one you're listening to today, Monday, the Wednesday. What. What day is it? 11, 12, 13, the 13th. John's headed off to Portland tomorrow morning, which is Saturday.

[B]

We're recording on home for like to be home for like 16 hours.

[A]

16 hours. And then you're going to. But you're going to Portland for fun and work. It's work, but it's also fun for the Portland Pickles. And he is marrying people on the field at Walker Stadium on Saturday the 11th, which is in the past now that you've heard this, but we will catch you up on it on next week's podcast.

[B]

Not just a few people. I am marrying 32 people. Yeah, 32 people are being married by Reverend Ryan. I have to, I have to send, I had to send them like a copy of my, my ministry card that I have a whole thing because it's all, it's all official. It's real. They have to sign agreements.

[A]

Yeah, he's signing documents.

[B]

Each couple, it breaks it down to. Each couple gets 30 seconds.

[A]

People are like, who wants to get married at the, at Walker Stadium in Portland? I was like, people in Portland?

[B]

Yes, people in Portland. You guys.

[A]

By John Ryan.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

It's very fun. So we're going to have updates on that for next week's episode. Of course we are. This month we are reading Summer Sisters by Judy Blume. John's pick. Quick breakdown. If you're new here, you will not hear any spoilers this episode. Week four is when we do all the review and the spoilers. We just pull things from the book that inspire us to have conversations, but they don't spoil anything for you. So you have until week four. If you just want to listen along until then and aren't caught up yet. August's book Gray After Dark by Noel Eiley. Pretty excited to read that one. And our this month, July's Patreon Short Story, which is on the 15th and is one of my favorite things that we do. We do Patreon short stories. We do video podcasts on patreon. It's only $5 a month. You get short stories. On the 15th, we are reading the Replacement by Liv Constantine. I read it in about 45 minutes on the beach in Mexico. All our short stories are very quick reads, and it was a very well rounded short story. Like, really, I'm excited to talk about that. We're gonna, he and I are gonna record our podcast on that also tonight because he's leaving town. So that will be up on Patreon. And then on the 5th and the 25th of every month, you also get Patreon podcasts that sometimes talk about books, sometimes don't, but nothing you have to read along with. It's just us shooting the shit. Speaking of, just real quick, I want to venture.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

Because I'm reading a Frida McFadden book right now. It's called the Divorce. And I know some of you on. I know some of you, the listeners, have been reading it or read it because I'm. We're on Goodreads as the book list, if you're looking to join our Goodreads. And I see. So the people that I am were, quote, unquote, friends with on there. It says if they've read it before, like, when I went and got it, I could see it said, read, want to read, whatever. Now, I'm sure it's going to be good. I'm. I'm, I'm going to finish it. This, this is not a do not finish situation for me. I'm entertained. But the, the main character, as she's written so far, is like a idiot. You know, she's like, she goes home and her husband's changed the locks and he's like, oh, I'm getting work done at the house. And she's like, okay, that makes sense. Which it doesn't. So it's just. I'm a little frustrated and I feel like, God bless Freda McFadden. I love all the housemade books. The success that she's having is insane. I've liked, I've liked a lot of her books. So I'm not, I have no idea. I haven't finished this one. So I'm not stating an opinion, but I'm just starting to. It's starting to wonder if, like, are there too many coming out at once where we're just sort of pump, pumping them out to where they're a little bit lifetimey right now, and I don't know the answer to that. I'm not trying to criticize such a successful author. I'm really not. I. I don't. Like, if I was in her shoes, I'd be pumping them out as fast as I could too, I think, because everyone wants them. But I. But just right now I'm like, oh, this feels less interesting. Like. Like the characters feel less interesting and feel a little more dumb and one dimensional right now where I am. So this is a pretty. Having said that, I'm a huge fan of hers and like a lot of her books, so it could just be like, this one's just not hidden for me, which also happens. Does that make sense?

[B]

Yeah, I get. Almost seems like it's like too easy for her to write, like a stupid character right off the top of a book. Like, there almost has to be, like a huge twist coming. This character knows all. Something all along because it's almost like too obvious and too easy to make a character that dumb in a mystery book.

[A]

That's what I'm thinking is like, she can't be this frustrating. And then that just be it. So. So for those of you that are screaming and already know the twist and are like, wait, Sarah, you're gonna love it at the end. I. I hear you. I'm just like, it's just a little bit hard right now because when someone's that clueless, it. It makes it a little hard to get into because you're just like, I know there's a twist coming, but this woman's just running around with her head up her ass and she's probably gonna end up being a villain or something, and that's fine. But still, she's. Still, she's doing these things no matter what, right? I mean, if you locked me out of the house and changed the locks and said it was because we were getting renovations done and you wanted to surprise me, I think I'd have some questions.

[B]

Yeah, I would hope so.

[A]

But anyway, that takes the fun out of reading when everything's. But I will say, just speaking of real quick, because I said Lifetime, I just want to say something to you. This is. This is for all the listeners that know I'm a big Lifetime movie fan. I love them. Okay. And also, that being said, if Frida's leaning in a bit to that kind of shit, I got no problem with that because I love that shit too. But I would. Mary Redzinski and I, if some of you are crossover. Are you my podcasters when she and I very first started our podcast, we would talk about Lifetime movies because we thought they were so funny. Like, they were just nobody was really doing it. We're like, let's just talk about these dumb things. It was during COVID gave us something to do. Then it grew into Married at First Sight and now it's. It Married at First Sight showed us, chose us. So when that's on, we do that, and when it's not, we just kind of do topics. We haven't really done Lifetime movies in a long time, but let me tell you something. There was one that came out this. I think maybe it's coming out tomorrow, AKA the same day you're marrying people, which means I might be crawled up on the couch and you can't get a hold of me. Do you want to know what the name of it is?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Crowning at the Prom.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

It is called Crowning at the Prom. Girls pregnant, going to a prom.

[B]

The prom is going to be the prom queen. And then somehow she doesn't know it, but she's going to start having a baby in the middle of the prom.

[A]

I mean, this is what I'm guessing. I didn't really. I didn't deep dive because what do I need to deep dive when that's the title? And I was like, I mean, truly, it's one of the first moments that I just. I wanted to comment it on Lifetime's Instagram and so long I was like, not crowning at the prom. Are not crowning at the prom. And then also I was like, yeah, sign me up to watch Crowning at the Prom.

[B]

Fogging immediately, four words, a lot of questions.

[A]

Because that's what. You know, when Mary and I used to talk about Lifetime movies and one of my favorite things was I was like, they're in on it, right? I. I have fully believed for either they. I don't know if they were at the beginning, but eventually they were like, we just do ridiculous movies. So we're going to have ridiculous plots and we're going to start calling them. You know, it would be the Pissed Off Wife Upstairs or whatever it would be. But Crowning at the Prom, I didn't know whether or not they're in know

[B]

whether or not they knew they were in on it or not. Until I saw the Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Lifetime movie where they just took the piss on every single small concept they do on every show. And it's like, oh, yeah, they definitely know what they're doing.

[A]

And that was produced by one of their, like, top producers, Mar Vista, who? So they were like, we do all these movies and now we're doing a movie spoofing the movies. And people didn't know if it was serious or not. If you guys don't remember that one, you have to look it up. But it was Will Ferrell. Kristen, wig. As John said, I forget the name of it. Anyway, crowning at the prom. And that's what I'm doing. Not crowning at the prom, but watching Crowning at the Prom.

[B]

Wow, that'll be. That'll be a doozy.

[A]

It'll be a big Saturday for me. Now, if you're in the Nashville area, come see me August 27th at the City Winery in Nashville. I just added that date right before that, August 3rd through the 9th. For an entire week. I'll be in Vegas at the Brad Garrett's comedy club at the mgm. One of my favorite things to do just so one night a week I do a show there and have a blast for an entire week. I Batavia, Illinois, September 24th through the 26th. I just added Omaha in October 29th. I added Albany, New York in November. I think this 13th something. And then Columbus, Ohio, believe December 17th. But all. They're all on my website. So get your tickets for all those Sarah colona.com and go see the pickles.

[B]

Yeah, ticket sales are usually very good this time of year, but they happen to be a little slow for tomorrow night. Not that you can do anything about it now. But then I realized that's the exact same time that Argentina is playing Switzerland in the World Cup. So I feel less bound that we have one. One game that might be a little bit slower than all the other games. I figured out why.

[A]

Well, you could focus more on your couples getting married that way.

[B]

That's right. That's right.

[A]

World Cup. Yeah. So we were just in Mexico. We're going to get into our topics that John has for us to discuss. You know, for your. For your actual book list. Judy Blume, Summer Sisters. I just want to say we had a nice time in Cabo. John knocks it out of the park constantly. For our wedding anniversary, he had a song written for me.

[B]

Well, kinda.

[A]

Am I allowed to talk about this?

[B]

Sure, baby.

[A]

It's amazing. He had a song written for me. He put in like the details of how we met and talk about being back at Esperanza. And it was like this kind of slow country song. We sit on the beach to have a private dinner on the beach. He puts an airpod in my Ear one in his and he wants me to hear this song. And we're both like teary eyed. It's very sweet. And I'm like, what is this? This is. What is this? And he's like, I had it written. And then it gets to the chorus and of course like as any, you know, sort of like love song. Does it get a little cheesy? Yeah, but are we loving every second of it? 100%. But John knows this, right? The whole point is like they're singing we're back at Esperanza and it's amazing that he's like, by the way, when I was doing this, I. I didn't really know what I was doing. Right. Correct me if I'm wrong, John, but I think you were like, well, here's

[B]

the thing is I found this site, this app and you take them lyrics to any song lyrics that you wrote or whatever and then they sing it. You can tell them what speed to sing it in. What like even like I forget because I'm not real musical. They told like how to like break it all up and what, what genre to sing it in, right. So I went to a chat GPT and kind of worked for a while, like going back and forth with my buddy, chat, going back and like filling in things, like putting in different words. And we finally came up with like what, what I wanted. And then I went to the site and I didn't write like, totally. I'm a little naive. It came back like five minutes later. I'm like, oh, this is a I. But then I listen, I'm like, it's really good. I mean it's not going to be on a fucking radio station, right?

[A]

Not yet.

[B]

Right after I listened to it, they're like, oh, would you also like a ballad, metal version of the song? And I was like, yes, I would. Then I listened to that. Like, fuck yeah. Then they're like, would you like a punk rock version of this song? I'm like, oh, hell yeah. So after Sarah and I listened to the song, it was all, all. It was so cheesy because we just like talked about the first 10 years of our relationship. Super cheesy. I know that. Save your DMs. And then I'm like. And we're kind of like both like a little bit teary eyed. And I was like, but Sarah, do you want to hear the punk rock version now? And we, we started like laugh, crying. It was so funny.

[A]

It was so funny. It was like, it went from like Rebecca and it was like Becca, Esperanza. And like we were sitting on the beach like in tears, laughing our asses off.

[B]

Should I play a bit of it? Should I play a bit of it?

[A]

A thousand percent. Okay. Sorry. John was trying to play it, but when he does that, it switches his air airpods to his whatever it it up on when we're where we're trying to record. So it doesn't work. We can't do it that way. We'll play a little bit for you on our Instagram or something. Don't you worry, you'll hear it. I'm gonna make a. I'm gonna make a post with it obviously, because it's amazing.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. You okay?

[B]

Yes. I'm sweating. Eight days.

[A]

Doesn't like when it gets disconnected. I know you didn't sleep well in Mexico. He's sweating a lot. Tossing and turning. Usually while there we stay in one

[B]

of the nicest resorts in the world. It's incredible. We have our own butler this time they had. They gave us their own golf cart. Our hotel room is like 3, 500 square feet with a back. The backyard bigger than our backyard in our house. The one complaint is they have these sheets. They're probably some kind of frickin Egyptian cotton or whatever. But for some reason when I get in, it's nice and cool. Within five minutes I feel like I'm pouring sweat and I'm just. I'm done for the night. Then they have these pillows, these freaking pillows. Okay, look, my shoulders are this wide. If you give me a pillow like this. And as soon as you put your head, it goes like this. So where I can't find.

[A]

I know you guys can't see him, but he's my head.

[B]

So I slept for two hours last night.

[A]

They do give like those really mushy pillows to where you're like, they're too mushy. They're so mushy. Even when laying in bed, when you're just like sitting up in the morning, you try to lean against him and then the whole thing pushes down. I can't.

[B]

Like, oh, why don't you just stack two on top of each other? They're like magnets. They try to run away from each other all night. They do the worst thing next time. Because we talked about this last time we were there in May is how I found. Remember I found that firm pillow in the closet and they took it away from me after one day.

[A]

Oh yeah.

[B]

As soon as we walk in that fucking place, I'm saying I need a firm pillow or I'm walking out of here right now. And so it's all that margarita money you're about to make off me all week, I think.

[A]

Yeah, you get that firm pillow and they're gonna have to hide it in a closet or something so that nobody could take it from you. Anyway, we had a wonderful time minus that. Really wonderful time. Really great time. So we'll talk a little bit, a little bit about. About it more too, when we do our On Patreon podcast because I know that you have a bunch of topics. Topics pulled, babe. So what do you got for us?

[B]

Well, I got a lot and I don't know where, if I already brought up any of these last weeks. I think I erased some last week. But there's also some crossover. So if there's anyone that you don't want to talk about to say, like, move on, but you don't want to talk about, like summer jobs that you had in high school and college.

[A]

Oh, well, first of all, especially like,

[B]

did I say summer? But especially in summer. Like, did you have different jobs in summer than you had in the normal year? I did.

[A]

Well, no. So for the most part, I know we've talked a little bit about summer jobs before, but you're going to talk about your water park no matter what, even though we talked about it way in the past. I know, but we've talked about it before on a summer job, probably think. But I will say that the. I know I've talked a little about this, but just the one that I had that was the worst that was a summer job was when I worked a summer at a dry cleaners in Fayetteville, Arkansas. And in Arkansas in the summer, it was the hottest. I don't. Every time I go into a dry cleaners now, I think, I don't know how anyone does it. I don't know how these people do it. Be kind to your local dry cleaner. If they're in a bad mood, it's because they're hot. It's hot. It doesn't matter if you have air conditioning, doesn't have fans on you. It's hot in there. And I wasn't even at the front desk getting a breeze. If there was a breeze. I was down in the, in the, in the. I was in the back, you know, putting plastic bags over shirts. Not good. So I've talked about that before, but I just wanted. It's just my way of reminding people to be nice to your local dry cleaner. Now, John, I. So my job, other than that, that was my Friend Amy got me that job. I shouldn't call her my friend anymore if she got me that job, but she got me that job because she was like, oh, it's so easy. We knew the owner. And as I believe I've mentioned, you know, it's probably over two years ago when I've talked about this, but I. As I mentioned before, after a certain amount of time, you could take clothes. So I ran around in big men's clothes after they'd leave them. And for some reason I thought that was like a big score running around in like an extra large rugby shirt that some guy named Chad left there for six months. So I was allowed to take it home. But I don't know why. We thought that was going to be a fun summer job. It was awful. But for the most part, I like when I worked at Hardee's and then that job and then I. When I worked at Kirby's Grill and Bakery, my favorite job of all time as a waitress. I was able to work there when I was under 21 because it didn't serve alcohol. And that was my first waitressing job. And so I. For college, I just worked there. I didn't switch around for summer. I didn't switch around. Just I worked at Kirby's Grill and Bakery. And we. Why did you switch different jobs? Why was summer different?

[B]

There was a lot of, like, because it was so warm in the summer and so cold in the winter. There's a lot of, like, seasonal specific jobs and where I'm from, so I need employees at the water parks, at the water slides, at the amusement park, at Cutting grass, like all that stuff they didn't need in the winter. They hired a lot of students for that during those four months in college that we got out.

[A]

I see, I see.

[B]

So a lot of my friends had, like, those, like, really good jobs, but you know that they're. They're only for those four or five months a year.

[A]

I see. That makes sense.

[B]

And so I was. Well, I was fortunate because I really only. In college, I really only had like two summers because I had like, after 12th grade, I had, like, way too much going on in sports to go to have a job. So I played my freshman year football. Then I had a job that next summer and the next summer. And then I left school a year and a half early to play pro football. So I was already gone to play pro football. So I was. Yeah, so I was. My one summer of college, I worked at the water park and I had. My boss name was Larry Mueller, who I'm still in touch with. You've met him many times.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Wild man.

[A]

He's insane.

[B]

And he was my boss. And he hired me because I. On the. On the. On the university football team because that. He used to play on it a long time ago. And then his son ended up playing on after. So my job was he hired me and then after about a month or two, he got. I think he had an argument with the owner, something. He got let go. So no one knew who my boss was, Nobody. So I pretty much just made sure I did my job just the lowest possible level available and then just remain quiet for the rest of the day. So I know the hardest job I. The worst job I had was I had to go in the mornings. So my original job was just to like, do the grounds, mow the grass, take care of everything that wasn't the pools, mow the grass, clean out the garbages. The worst thing was I had to clean about 30 toilets every morning. Every single morning after these little water in a water park. And then in the afternoon, I had to go take care of the. Take care of that. They have four softball diamonds. I had to take care of those. But they'd always have little jobs for in between. But then when Larry got fired, I was like, okay, as long as I get there somewhere around, like the park opens at 10, I can slide in around 9, 39, 45. Get these. Get these bathrooms cleaned real quick. Then go take a little break, take a little me time. Maybe go to McDonald's for a couple hours. I don't know. I don't know. Because I also realized I'm like, if I don't fertilize the grass, I gotta mow it like once a month. It's a big job, so I'm just gonna stop fertilizing the fucking grass. I realized. So then my favorite part of the job was taking it. So I'd come back in the afternoon and I'd start taking care of the ball diamonds, which would take about an hour, but they thought it took about three hours. Once again, just stop cutting the grass. No one notices. These are a bunch of drunk old men playing softball. And I think they know what color the grass is supposed to be. They smell, be there to drink, stop watering the grass. But took care of real good care of the infield. So everyone was impressed with that. Then again, you know, sometimes I'd go hang out in the. Cause there's also a bar. I'd hang out in the bar for a little bit. Then I'd always wait until I got. I always wait until it was, like, just past half an hour. If I was working for, like, six and a half hours, then I'd, like, go fill up the car for, like, 6 hours and 37 minutes equals 7 hours. Then I'd go home. And I did that for the next two summers. No one knew who were. No one knew who I answered to. For a summer and a half. No one knew who. I didn't. I didn't answer to anyone. Like, some.

[A]

I mean, that's the best way, Sarah.

[B]

There was days I just didn't show up. I literally just didn't show up to work. And there was no repercussions for that. No one said a thing.

[A]

I wonder if they're listening now and they're gonna ask if they want their money back.

[B]

It's already gone out of business like, a long, long time ago. This fucking place. This place. On paper, this is the greatest place on earth. They had two bars, they had four softball fields. They had about 10 different water slides. They had a go kart track. They had paintball thing. They had a mini golf course. They had a slick track. They had bumper boats, they had a batting cage. And every single thing in the whole building was about two hours from breaking down. Like, kids would come down the slide and be like, all cut up, like, oh, fuck, I better go home. I don't want to fix that. But it was like. It was just, like, on paper, it was the greatest place on earth. In reality, it sucked.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Maxwell's Amusements.

[A]

Maxwell's amazing. Clean.

[B]

So I really, really screwed it by in my two. I always talk about. I. I worked my ass off when it came to football. Everything else, I worked my ass off in the weight room, in the football field. Everything else, it was all right.

[A]

I mean, I don't think I really dove in hard at the dry cleaners either.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just trying. I was just trying to survive in that place.

[B]

But when. When I see kids working now, like, I'm not gonna. But basically when I talk to people that employ these kids, they're like, as long as they just show up, that's the biggest thing. I just need kids to show up at the right time and stay the allotted amount of time, and I'm happy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I was gonna say they have it easy, but I had it pretty easy myself.

[A]

Well, only because your boss got fired and nobody knew that you didn't have a boss anymore.

[B]

Is that awesome? And then to call me back the next year and be like, Are you coming back? I'm like, yeah. Like, I'm not gonna. Not gonna say. Like, I don't have a boss. I'll be there.

[A]

Yeah, you're not like, where's Larry? You just go, whatever. So I don't have anyone to answer to. It's pretty amazing. I love that they just never caught on. I. I'm sure you just did just enough. There was just enough complaints.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

I do like the idea that, you know what? This grass is growing too much. I'm just gonna stop fertilizing it, and then I'm not gonna have to cut it anymore.

[B]

They're like, man, we've been saving money on fertilizer this year. Like, wait. Way to cut back for the yard fees, John. Good job. No problem, guys. I know how to spread that just thin enough. And then one dollar, one story. I left. I left for a week because I had to go to a football camp. And so I just. Like, my cousin Tate, he worked on the water slides, so I'm like, tate, he just do my job for a week, dude. It's real easy. Just cut the grass once, do this, this. So on his second day, he. It's a ride on mower, and he rolls it down the side of the water slide hill.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

So I get back, they're like, did I get hurt? No, he didn't get hurt, but he bent the mower and stuff. Whatever. Like, John, no one gets to touch this stuff except for you. You're the only one knows how to work it. I'm like, yeah, Sorry, guys. I got you. Oh, God. I really had them fooled.

[A]

You did. Way to pull it over. I like it. Yeah. I think I'm trying to remember if I had any other, because other than Kirby Squirrel and Bakery when I was in college. And then I would do theater because I was in the. I was a nerd, you know, as a theater major in college. And I. We would do theater in the summer too. So I would work. I still worked there in the summer, but it was like, that was the best. You know, waiting tables is the best job. To be able to get someone to cover for you and take off certain

[B]

days and be able to make pretty good money.

[A]

Oh, yeah, totally. Oh, yeah. Are you kidding me, girl? Those ladies that would come in and eat their soup and salad and tip like, oh, God, on Sundays, that was the worst shift. But they like that soup salad combo. You get a soup and salad, house salad, and you could have your cheese, your. Your. Your pick of either the broccoli, cheddar, soup, which you're crazy if you didn't pick that. And there was another one, Tortilla, I think, I believe one of your favorites. And you could get that combo. And it was just like the cheapest thing on the menu. And, you know, you just. We'd go at the time. Same soup and salad tables today. Little soup and salad are in here today.

[B]

Dollar tip.

[A]

Yeah. But anyway, other than that, I don't think I really switched around jobs. Once I get to a job, for the most part, I stay for a long time. What else you got?

[B]

Do you have any, like, funny family vacation stories from the summer or weird vacations that you went on, or is this always to the. We're doing the Ozarks or to the Florida for camping?

[A]

We didn't go to. I didn't go to Florida for camping. My. My mom and stepdad do now, but we would go camping in the. We would go camping a lot. Devil's Den State park one time. I believe you know this story, but I can't remember. Maybe you don't, but, you know Virginia, one of our family's good friends. One time we were. There's. There's a few caves at Devil's Den that you can go. They like to call it. They call it spelunking, I believe. And one time Virginia was crawling in front of us and she got her ass stuck in the. In a. Like a little wedge. She was. She went through a. A. A little nook and cranny she shouldn't have gone through. Nobody should have. This was not. She's not a big lady at all. This wasn't. This is no.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

It was just a nook and cranny she shouldn't have gotten to. And I was in front of her, so I don't know how. I think I went, like, sideways. I don't know how I got. I mean, I was also, you know, a child, so I. I got ahead of her, and then she came in after me and she got kind of stuck. And I thought, this is. This is it. I'm not getting out. I'm not getting out of here. Virginia's gonna plug up the hole for the rest of my life, and I'm just gonna die in here. But we ended up. We're wiggling her out.

[B]

Some of your family stories is now why. I realize why you became a comedian. Your family had some fucking crazy, funny stories. You had an aunt who went to a funeral and fell in the grave.

[A]

Aunt Penny, she lost her.

[B]

Like, there's. If there Was like, one thing you don't want to do at a funeral is fall in the grave.

[A]

I know. And we had to, like, dig. We had to like, pull her out. And then it was raining, and then she was like, my shoe. And her shoe was down there. And we had. Then we had to go back after the shoe.

[B]

At that point. You just leave the shoe, girl. You leave the shoe. Yeah. You can't get. You can't get any worse than that humiliation level.

[A]

I mean, once you've already been pulled out of it grave. I think it was. I think just so everyone's can picture. I think it's before. It's actually six feet. So it wasn't right, because that would be. I mean, that's not super far to fall, but it's still far enough.

[B]

It's six feet and then the casket's already in there.

[A]

Then it's only really like the casket wasn't in there.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, it was. Well, no, because it was like that where they were going to put was like the. It was like the area where the grave was gonna. The casket was gonna go. That makes sense.

[B]

Yeah, to me it does. But I still don't think it's great.

[A]

None of it was. But yeah, Aunt Penny fell in a grave. She was. There was always something. One time, my uncle ran over a foot at the fire station with a fire truck. And I mean, that hurts.

[B]

Oh, my God. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, she was accident prone. Penny, God love her, she was wonderful. But she was accident prone. But yeah, one time, I mean, she said it so calmly. I remember we were all talking. So she's like, gary ran over my foot with the fire truck. And I was like, that looks like it really hurt. So as accident prone as she was, it was like she really bounced back, you know, there's no.

[B]

There's no stub toes in heaven, Penny. That. Which you guys should have said in our eulogy. There's no stop.

[A]

But no, we. Yeah, mostly we would go camping, which I. I know we talked about that a little bit last week, but. Yeah, I think Virginia getting stuck in a. A little for. It was probably just a few minutes, but felt like a long time when you're on the other side of it, you know, thinking that you were never getting out of there. But her getting stuck a little bit in that nook and cranny trying to get out of the cave was probably one of the funnier moments that I remember from us going camping and. Yeah, you.

[B]

Well, our big family vacation every summer used to be Minot, North Dakota.

[A]

Right. Why not Minot?

[B]

Convenient. Convenient. Four hour drive away. We loved Minot. We lived just north of there. So that was our big trip. And we usually the start of the summer. So it kicked off our whole summer. Either myself or my brother or both of us would have a baseball tournament there. Either one of our little league teams would be playing there, or both. And it was always like. I remember it was like June 25th, the 28th or whatever was exactly on the last day of school. So we always left to the last day of school and drove the whole family in our 1987 Ford Aerostar van. Two tone brown, one sliding door on the side and drive it to Minot. This one year we're like, we're going all in. We're going three days in Minot and then we're driving to Bismarck, North Dakota. That's another 120 miles south. So we're going south. We're damn near in South Dakota, girl. That's how far south we are. So we go to Bismarck for two more days. Gonna be the greatest shopping trip of our lives. Love it. Great trip. We go to drive home. We had 50 miles. Not even 50 miles, but maybe about 50 miles outside North Dakota. The old tranny starts going in the Ford Aerostar minivan transmission. The transmission, yes, baby. That's in the motor Mech world. They call a tranny transmission.

[A]

Got it.

[B]

So we pull into this little town. This woman drives us back to, to our hotel. We get a hotel. We sit in this hotel for like three days. And my parents is like, what? We have one room. We have four kids. Six days. We have the best fucking time ever. We're like, we're in Bismarck North. The fucking coda. We got four days to play in the pool. That car, they're not fixing that car in Bismarck. That part's coming from like Florida. We got. We got some days here.

[A]

Oh, so you're stuck.

[B]

And we were stuck and we were stoked. And it was just like you thought everyone else would be like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. We're like. It was like family vacation. This was like 1992 or 93. And we still talk about it. It was like 33 years ago. We still talk about it all the time. Not all the time. Yeah, it was a core memory.

[A]

Oh, I hate that term. But I know, it's nice. I know, I know, I know people like it. I don't mean to on it, but that is a core memory. And that's definitely called making the most out of it. Because you would, I'll tell you if I'm with. If I had four kids and we got stuck in a small hotel room in North Dakota because there was four

[B]

kids on our plane today. There was four kids on our plane today for two hours. And I thought you were going to lose

[A]

was a rough plane ride. It's not their fault and it's not their parents their fault. They were just not happy kids. Yeah. In the air at that time. Of course.

[B]

These are very small planes. These are JSX planes that are like the semi private planes. It's not that expensive. Calm down. Stop yelling at us. But it's way more convenient. You don't have to go through the airport, all that stuff. So these families are getting like, getting like six seats and you have to pay an extra 80, $200 per seat to pick your seat. So these families with little fucking kids aren't picking their seats. So they get there and there's like, oh, they sit them all willy nilly because then you don't pay for your seat and they want to move, start moving people around. There's only 28 people on this plane or 25 people on this plane. It's not big.

[A]

Well, you remember last time we told you the story last time where the, where the family tried to hoodwink us to take our, our exit row from us and they weren't even, it wasn't even their kids. It was like the kid of the aunt that was in front another whole. Another section. It was a whole. Yeah, but we didn't let them do it.

[B]

There was four of them behind us and then two of the. Two of the family members were in front of us. The two kids were in front of us too. So we're sitting in the middle of a. Basically in the middle of a family of eight.

[A]

So I, we haven't, I don't like it. We haven't even talked about this yet. So this is just now coming out now coming. Dropping live for you guys. But, but did you notice because there was a guy up on the right in like two seats in front of you, I think. And then there's a kid next to him that was yelling and screaming and he. It wasn't his kid. It was like one from someone in the back. And he was just looking around like he didn't know what to do because he didn't know what. Because I think he was like, whose kid is this? This kid's upset. Where's the parrot? The parrot wasn't there and nobody asked anyone to switch in this situation. They were like, just. What? I didn't see anyone trying to switch. I don't know who was sitting where. I didn't. I, I. But I just noticed this guy kind of looking around, panicked, and I realized, oh, he's on. He's the kid on the other side of him isn't his, and he doesn't know what's going on. Do you notice that?

[B]

I did not notice that because I was the what? The one guy was sitting behind you and he offered to switch up to her seat, which was much better. Way up in like five something. And then I know you're so nice. And like, I was like, like, get me away from these four little. Like, if you're gonna take a family on one of these planes, usually it's more just adults. If you're gonna take a whole family, you have to just have six. Because there's only one seat on each side of the plane. Only one. Here's this. I'm putting. I'm painting out a scenario for you guys. See, you have to book out like six seats altogether. You can't come out because if there's only 22 or 20, whatever the number is, it's around 20 something people on this plane. And you have six of the seats and you start. Want to play musical chairs with people, you're inconveniencing half the plane.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You want to save $70 a seat.

[A]

It was.

[B]

It's happened twice in a row now, and I don't like it.

[A]

I know. I was a little confused by the whole situation. I wasn't. I really didn't know. I didn't really notice. I just thought it was very hot on the plane. I didn't.

[B]

It was very hot when we were leaving.

[A]

Sounds very spoiled right now. But it was very warm when we were leaving. And, and then the kid in front of me dropped his hat at one point, and I saw. So a baseball hat, like, rolled under my seat. So I saw. I was like, oh, it must be his. So I handed it to him and he looked at me like I stole it off his head.

[B]

I know. I was like, that kid was a little shithead.

[A]

I was like, this just fell under my seat. I go. I go, oh. I go, sweetie, is this yours? And he looked at me and I know you guys can't see me, but he gave me the dirtiest looking snatch out of my hand. And I was like. And even the lady. That was because the flight attendant was there right now taking drink orders and stuff. She like, she kind of like Looked at me and we both kind of laughed. I was like, jesus, what? I didn't. Take it off your head, kid. It fell off your head and you didn't notice I gave it to you.

[B]

She came back and kind of like. She came back. I think we both asked for another drink and she came back, gave us both doubles, and she kind of like winked at me like, thanks for putting up with this bullshit. And I was like, like, she's being very nice to us. I also gave her a gift card. Gave her two gift cards.

[A]

Oh,

[B]

yeah, the little. In front of you, babe. So when we got on the plane, I was. He was. He was the luckiest SOB in Mexico this morning because you had your AirPods in. He's playing on his little. His little homemade parents. You know, his little parent machine when they don't really want to parent them. And he's just playing it full blast. Full blast. YouTube.

[A]

And did someone say something?

[B]

The flight attendant, because you need. You need AirPods right now. You have to turn that off. I was like, thank God for like having a spine because there's so many people that I kind of get shy in that situation. She's just like, no, she wasn't having it.

[A]

No. I think flight attendants are done with that nonsense because it's disruptive for them. And then they. And they also don't want to have to hear it from everyone else. But it's also just annoying for them. They're like, we're not doing this. I mean, full blown adults do it all the time. So it's not just kids. It's like almost.

[B]

I almost wanted to pull your. Your dad's line when I'm just like, oh, no, ma'.

[A]

Am.

[B]

It's not his fault. It's not his fault. It's theirs. His parents behind. Who have not said one word about the plane on his machine for 10 minutes at full blast. It's these two fault.

[A]

Wow. We didn't. We're. I'm just catching up all on this right now, guys. Uh, I was. We did not see what goes on on our flights. I was listening to. I was listening to something on my phone, so I was not. I. The whole time. I was listening to a podcast. So I didn't hear any of this going down. I only saw the one guy panicked. Okay.

[B]

In theory, these planes should be the quietest planes ever because they used to have one seat on one side and two on the other. So it was a seat, aisle seat, seat. They took out the middle seat. So there's a seat and then you get a table and then another seat. So if you're on the one side, you get a table and a seat. So you're. You're a far. Not far away, but you're far enough away. You shouldn't carry on a conversation with the person on the window.

[A]

Right?

[B]

But these. Do they do these grown adults, they want to. They want to talk all the way across. They don't care who can hear them. They want to just. You're going to be in Mexico in two hours. John and I didn't say if you're going.

[A]

We didn't say a word to each other.

[B]

After three days, they're not going to want to hear your voice anymore. So just fucking save it. Save these two hours till the end of the trip when they're already had enough of you.

[A]

Yeah, I didn't say a word to John on the whole trip. Except the only thing I did is I couldn't open my cookies. So I held up the bag and shook it out like a.

[B]

And then you texted me one time and whenever you kind of open something, you just like shake it like you're like kind of like a 5 year old. And I grab it right away because I always know what that means. I know that what it means right away. And I open it for you, hang it right back. Not one word is exchanged.

[A]

He's got really strong hands, and when I can't open something, he opens it for me. It's really nice. We said. It's so funny. We should have probably talked about this before we got on the podcast and did it, but whatever.

[B]

Yeah, it's more fun. Just talk all about it.

[A]

I know, I know, I know. Well, should we end on that note? Go say hi to our cats.

[B]

Let's end on an angry note. Sounds good.

[A]

And. And on a rant. Well, you know, we'll be back next week and we are reading Summer Sisters by Judy Bloom. For August, we're reading Grafter Dark by Noel Eileen. Very excited about that one. Join us on Patreon Live. Constantine the replacement is the 15th. The short story for the 15th of this month, July. We do the 5th and the 25th as well. Check out my tour dates on sarahcolona.com join the book list Spinners Facebook group. And thank you guys for being here. It's a lot of fun. The book list.

[B]

The book lisp.

[A]

The book list.

[B]

The book lisp.

[A]

The book lisp.