JonMaxxing

Summary

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Podcast Summary: "JonMaxxing"

Podcast: The Book Lisp with Jon Ryan & Sarah Colonna
Hosts: Jon Ryan & Sarah Colonna
Episode Date: May 11, 2026
Episode Title: JonMaxxing

Episode Overview

In this lively, unscripted episode of The Book Lisp, married co-hosts Jon Ryan (NFL Superbowl Champion) and Sarah Colonna (Comedian & Actress) riff on domestic rituals, self-improvement fads, and social media traps. While the featured book of the month is Summer Romance by Annabel Monaghan, Jon and Sarah hold off on spoilers, instead diving into conversational tangents inspired by the book's themes of organization, routines, and personal restoration. The pair’s banter explores everything from bed-making quirks and junk drawer chaos to algorithmic rabbit holes and the absurdity of “looksmaxxing” on social media.

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Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Domestic Dynamics: The Art of Bed-Making and Organization

[06:08–18:46]

• Book Inspiration: Sarah notes a passage from Summer Romance about how closet cleaning can be restorative and segues into discussing her and Jon’s housekeeping styles.
• Bed-Making Styles:
  • Sarah insists on making the bed before leaving the house, recalling a formative “spider in the bed” incident.

    “If you don’t make your bed, a spider just shows up.” [07:06–08:00]

  • Jon is meticulous, hotel-style neat, insists on decorative pillows, tucked edges, and even steaming duvet covers.

    “I like to make it look like, like someone was coming to look at your house.” [08:53]

  • Sarah ultimately cedes all bed-making to Jon:

    “Now I just don’t make it when you’re gone...I know it’s going to look stupid.” [13:02]

• Closet & Drawer Cleanouts: Both hosts find organizational bursts cathartic, but Jon admits to “hoardy tendencies,” multiple junk drawers, and emotional difficulty discarding things.

  “It’s really hard for me to throw things out, so I’m really trying to fight against it.” [18:46]

• Relatable Messiness: Both confess to stashes of obsolete tech cords, wayward kitchenware, and sentimental keepsakes (including, for Sarah, an old suitcase and even some of her dad’s unfinished manuscript and ashes).

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2. Spicy Reads & Surprise Turns

[03:53–05:47]

• Recap: Jon wraps up reading How My Neighbor Stole Christmas by Megan Quinn, unexpectedly discovering it’s a far spicier romance than anticipated:

  “Not did it only get dirty? But it got real dirty.” [04:33 – Sarah]
  “Dropping C-bombs. J-bombs.” [04:43 – Jon]

• Reflections on Romance: They discuss Megan Quinn’s reputation for explicit content and how certain books can catch unsuspecting readers off guard.

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3. The Saga of the Sex Toy Drawer

[25:04–28:56]

• Sarah’s Stash: A hilarious aside about her “top drawer,” which, thanks to podcast promos and gifts, is now overrun with unused sex toys, their packaging, and charging cords.

  “One time they sent me, like, a bat. It’s the biggest intimidating thing…never been used. I don't want to use it, but I don’t know what to do with it.” [26:17 – Sarah]

  • Both muse on the awkwardness of disposing of such items and the absurdity of listing them on Poshmark.
• Jon’s Revelation:

  “You know what ‘strap on’ spelled backwards is? ‘No parts.’” [27:11]

  • Kooky etymology and light debate about who uses which toys and why.

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4. Social Media, Algorithms, and the Allied Attack of Suggestions

[32:15–39:59]

• Sarah's Relationship with Instagram: Needs it for various projects and comedy but laments how targeted ads and algorithmic feeds prey on insecurities (e.g., “crepey knees”, “hooded eyelids”).

  “Sometimes the suggestions are so pointed that you just feel like they're targeting you…‘Do you feel like a frumpy old bitch? Here’s what we think you should order today.’” [38:34]

• Jon’s Approach: Minimal scrolling; if he catches himself doom-scrolling, he deletes the app.

  "It's just a time suck that I absolutely hate…” [33:03]

  • When he does engage, it’s mostly for financial/investment tips—though he notices the echo-chamber effect of only seeing advice he already agrees with.

    “After a while...these people are just telling me exactly what I want to hear.” [36:38]

• Ad Takeover: Both joke about the whiplash of buying one product and being endlessly retargeted, as well as the surprising accuracy (and sometimes, annoyance) of personalized ads.

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5. JonMaxxing & the Absurdities of Men's Online Self-Improvement

[40:14–44:38]

• “Looksmaxxing” & Meawing: Jon offers a sardonic explainer of current fitness and aesthetics trends among young men online—meawing, facial hammering (to supposedly accentuate jawlines), and even consuming “bro science.”

  “Just when I think men are taking a step forward, we turn around and run backwards a mile.” [41:12] “If you can die of douchebaggery, do that first.” [43:18 – Jon]

• Satirical Coaching: The episode closes with Jon parodying a “bro” influencer’s daily routine: protein shakes, gym, supplements, and “vibes from the young chickies,” prompting Sarah to lament, “The sad thing is you’d have so many followers if you turned into this guy.” [44:44]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Bed-Making:

  • “I want to talk about our bed making. Not our lovemaking, our bed making. This ain't no Megan Quinn podcast.” – Sarah [07:09]
  • “When you get home and...there was a spider in the bed. So from then on, if you don't make your bed, a spider just shows up.” – Sarah [07:25]

• On Household Roles:

  • “I like the bed a certain way. I'm not going to get all like, oh, you have to change your ways...No, I'll just make it.” – Jon [09:26]
  • “Now I just don’t make [the bed] when you’re gone...knowing that you will do so much better.” – Sarah [13:02]

• On Instagram’s Algorithm:

  • “I remember talking about [my eyes] and then all I got the next day was ads for different things…if you think I didn’t buy a couple of those, you’re crazy.” – Sarah [34:20]

• On Face-Changing Fads:

  • “They take hammers...to make their jaw look more defined...Just when I think men are taking a step forward, we turn around and run backwards a mile.” – Jon [41:09]

• On Influencer-Lit Advice:

  • “If you can die of douchebaggery, do that first.” – Jon [43:18]
  • “You'd be such a disturbing…I feel the sad thing is you'd have so many followers if you turned into this guy.” – Sarah [44:44]

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Important Timestamps

• [06:08] – Book-inspired discussion on bed-making rituals and restorative organization
• [13:02] – Sarah’s admission to surrendering bed-making duties to Jon
• [18:46] – The couple’s confessions about junk drawers and sentimental clutter
• [25:04] – The saga of Sarah’s overflowing sex toy drawer
• [32:15] – Social media habits and how algorithmic suggestions personalize (and sometimes aggravate) their online experience
• [40:14] – Satirical deep-dive into “looksmaxxing” and men’s self-improvement rabbit holes
• [44:38] – Jon’s over-the-top “bro influencer” parody to close the episode

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Closing Notes

• Next Book: Kill for Me, Kill for You by Steve Kavanaugh (Sarah’s pick)
• Patreon Short Story: Cold Cold Heart by Karen Slaughter
• Community: Jon & Sarah encourage listeners to join their Facebook group and chime in on bed-making, organizing, and all things bookish.

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Tone & Takeaway:
Upbeat, confessional, and wildly relatable, this episode is heavy on irreverent humor, relationship banter, and offbeat reflections on modern life—perfect for anyone who’s ever had a junk drawer, surrendered to an algorithm, or surrendered the bed-making to a more meticulous partner.

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This summary focuses strictly on the episode’s rich, on-topic content. Intros, outros, and ads are omitted.

Transcript

[A]

Hi, I'm Sarah Colonna.

[B]

And I'm John Ryan.

[A]

And you're listening to the Book List. The Book List.

[B]

The Book Lisp.

[A]

Oh, that's right. You're listening to the Book Lisp. Hello and welcome to the Book Lisp with John Ryan and Sarah Colonna. Hey, John.

[B]

Hey, girl.

[A]

Hey. How you doing?

[B]

I'm good. How are you?

[A]

I'm good. Did you just get back from hitting golf balls?

[B]

Yeah, at the indoor golfing facility. I've now been golfing for three days. I'm in my golfing era.

[A]

My golfing era at the indoor golfing facility. Because you hadn't swung a club in a while and you're going golfing tomorrow. Like, for real golfing. Right.

[B]

For real golfing at a country club where rich people go. But I'm not a member.

[A]

Oh, my.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What. What's the name of the country club? I forgot. You're going with Thomas, our friend Sarah Tilly's husband.

[B]

Porter Valley.

[A]

Where is that?

[B]

It's like, about 20 minutes north of here.

[A]

Okay. Okay. You're excited.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Well, it's always weird to do something you haven't done in a while.

[B]

I feel like I haven't golved in

[A]

over a decade in classic John fashion, three days before he starts going to simulating golf. Where is this place that you keep going, by the way?

[B]

Like, two and a half blocks away. It's brand new. It's right up into Boulevard.

[A]

Oh, okay. But you drive because you have to bring your golf bag.

[B]

No, no, I walk. It's. It's in one of those office buildings over by, like, Blue Dog.

[A]

Oh, okay. Listen, I didn't know all this. This is. I go on the podcast to find out things that are going on in your life, to get details.

[B]

Okay, well, now you know.

[A]

We are here. It's week two in May. We are discussing summer romance by Annabelle Monaghan. Or Monahan. No, Monaghan.

[B]

I think it's Monan.

[A]

And I really liked this one. Of course, if you're new here, don't worry, there are no spoilers until the fourth Monday of the month when we actually do the review. In between that, we just pick out topics from the book, but that don't spoil anything and. And riff on those and have fun conversations. I will remind everyone that July or June's book is Kill for Me, Kill for your by Steve Kavanaugh. It's my selection. I just started it. So it's one that I'm. I haven't read that I'm reading along with you guys. And so far I really like it. No clue where it's going to. And our Patreon short story is Cold Cold Heart by Karen Slaughter because John's book was very romantic, so I had to pick something with a knife on the COVID As you true for the Patreon short story. So that is. We do those on the 15th of every month. The short stories. It's so fun. It's a way to. We've discovered authors that way. Or we've read stuff by authors that we like already. Like Freda McFadden had a Christmas one that we did. We've done Ellen Hildebrand short story. We've done Date. Oh God. We've done a couple by the same guy. David the Body and something else. Daniel Hurst. I want to eventually read a full book by him. He seems to do a lot of series, though, so that can be tricky to me. But all his short stories are standalone, so we have a lot of fun doing that. And then on the 5th and the 25th, you also get just a podcast where we chat sometimes about things we're reading sometimes about nonsense. And that's only $5 a month if you want to join us. Rate Review Subscribe Tell your friends John, we probably needed an update where you're at with your Christmas book that took a turn and got dirty on you.

[B]

I finished and they ended up together. Wouldn't you know it?

[A]

It's what was the name of it again?

[B]

How My Neighbor Stole Christmas by Megan Quinn. And then the follow up is Merry Christmas, you filthy animal. So obviously How My Neighbor Stole Christmas. There's a lot of Grinch references, you know.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then obviously Merry Christmas Eve, filthy animal. There's gonna be a lot of Home Alone references, but I think I'm gonna save the follow up until like December, you know.

[A]

Okay. I think she's known for a little

[B]

bit of running porn.

[A]

So if you didn't listen last week yet, you got to catch up. John was reading this book thinking it was going to be a Christmas book, and then all of a sudden he. He's like, not did it only get dirty? But it got real dirty.

[B]

Real dirty. Dropping sea bombs. J bombs.

[A]

Okay, Jay, what's.

[B]

Oh, like CS bombs. SC bombs. I. I'm like, J bombs.

[A]

I know. Just whatever they are, don't even tell me. But some of these, I'm trying to put them together in my head what these could possibly be. I don't think I speak Megan Quinn. Novel initials or whatever.

[B]

She says the real words girl.

[A]

Yes, well, she doesn't dance around it. I looked her up. Apparently she has one called so Not Meant to be Spicy. And it's generally considered quite, quite spicy. Often as a steam. As. As steamy Enemies to Lovers rom com featuring explicit sexual content, dirty talk, and mature humor. So. And someone else, I remember another listener say they also got Megan Quinn, thought they were reading like a nice summer book, and all of a sudden there was a P just slapping around a V and all the things. So now we know.

[B]

She even probably calls the. She even calls the V the C. That's real dirty.

[A]

Yeah, well, she might end up on a book list. No, I probably. I would assume we probably don't pick something like that. That might be right.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Considering it just so we can read another one. Well, join the Facebook group the Book Listeners now in Summer Romance, we'll discuss some. Some random things I pulled out of this book. There's a few things that I thought we could talk about today. One is that the. The how she talks about how cleaning out a closet. Yeah. Is restorative. And how her mom was the only really person that understood what it's like to clean out a closet and how restorative that is for her. And that. And obviously in her life, she's an organizational woman. She also, we no spoiler, but we kind of learned at the very beginning of the book she's kind of let that stuff go in her own life and is only good at it professionally at this point. And she's like, I don't even know what happened to me because I never even left the house without my bed made as a kid. So I thought, a. I want to talk about our bed making.

[B]

Okay, go ahead.

[A]

Not our lovemaking, our bed making. So this ain't no Megan Quinn podcast. Okay. So I am one that believes in making the bed before leaving. Like getting up in the morning and making the bed. I've always believed in that. I remember one time. I don't even know if I've ever told you this, John, but I remember one time when I was living by myself. I think it was over on Babcock when I lived in that condo when you first met me. But at one point I remember, like, kind of rushing out and not making the bed. And then when I got home, and then when I got in bed that night, there was a spider in the bed. And then from then on, I. Yeah, and then from then on, I mean, I always already made my bed, but from then I was like, oh, if you don't make your bed. A spider just shows up. I mean, that's clearly what happens if you don't make your bed. A spider can get in because it can't get in it when the bed's made. No way.

[B]

It's karma. Nope.

[A]

Yeah. So I have always been a person that makes my bed. However, John and I make our bed very differently.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And so I have not made the bed in many years. Many years now because you believe in me.

[B]

Making the bed is covering the mattress with the sheets and the duvet. Like that's making the bed. Everything's covered, right? True. True or false?

[A]

I mean, true. Yeah, true. Everything's covered. Sometimes you put the pillows on top if they're decorative.

[B]

Okay. Well, I like to make it look like, like someone was coming to look at your house. I need it to be like perfect.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Like I want to like. I just like when I walk into the room. I like it when everything's perfect on the bed.

[A]

Oh, I know because I have made the bed. When we first started living together, I don't think you ever really made the bed at my old place. And I probably. I'm sure I made the bed at. In Seattle a couple times because you would get up and go to practice or something at, you know, 7 o' clock in the morning. Maybe I'd still be in bed. I'm sure I made it wrong. I mean, I can't even imagine what you went through that. Hold on a period here.

[B]

Here's the thing about us in our relationship. I like the bed a certain way. And I don't say, sarah, learn how to make the bed the certain way. No, I said, no, you don't, baby. I just make the bed. That's something I'm going to do because I like it a certain way. I'm not going to get all like, oh, you have to change your ways and make it like me. I'm like, no, no, no, I'll just make it.

[A]

Yes. No, totally agree. That is 100% true. I'm just saying, I. You never. You. I think there was a couple times that I started to notice because I would make the bed and then it would look very different than how I made it.

[B]

A. Stop it.

[A]

And so he would remake the bed. And then that I realized, oh, I don't make the bed. And when he remakes it at to John's point, it looks wonderful. Looks so nice. I go, oh, Jesus. He tucks in the sides.

[B]

It was really one time I was, I was coming home from somewhere and you had ordered a whole new duvet. Duvet cover.

[A]

She.

[B]

Everything. And you send me a picture. I'm sending this back. It looks awful. I'm like, just. Just leave the room and don't touch anything. I'll be home in two hours. Okay. So you.

[A]

It looks like a dorm room. It looks ugly.

[B]

You got to get out a steamer. You got to get all the edges correct the first time. And then I made it. And you walked. You're like, oh, yeah, it looks great.

[A]

I was like, that doesn't look anything like when I got it. What happens. Yeah, you steamed it, made it look all nice. And then. And. Yeah. And you are. You tuck in the comforter into the lake. Underneath the frame, underneath the bed. That's the word. And I. I'll tell you what. First time I ever saw that blew my mind. I thought they just did that in hotels. I didn't know that people do that in their daily life. I had no idea. And I'm a neat person.

[B]

I am a very neat person.

[A]

I'm a neat person. I'm very clean. The. You know, the one thing that struck me like what she was talking about is drawers and organizing things. And we know every once in a while, I love to do something like that. Okay. I usually get on a kick and go. This drawer's giving me anxiety. And next thing you know, John and I both cleared out. We did this the other day. We cleared out a drawer. Like, that was just junk. And now we have two basically empty drawers. But the bed now John makes. I don't even. I don't even look at it. I just get out of it, and I move on with my day because it's over. And then later, when I go upstairs again, it's made with the. Chris. The edges are all tucked in. The pillows are. One time I. One time, I think I messed up the pillows, and you fixed right in the middle of the day.

[B]

Well, we each have, like, five pillows. That has to be very decorative. But I don't make it right when I wake up. I usually work out and then make it.

[A]

Yes. Before I shower.

[B]

No.

[A]

Right? Yes. But you don't leave the house with it unmade.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

But. So now what happens is now when he's out of town because he still travels a lot. I just don't make the bed, guys. I just don't make it because I know it's going to look stupid. I know it's going to look like a dorm room now, because now I've seen what it can look like. I thought My whole adult life living by myself. I thought my bed looked fine. I thought it looked fine with the comforter just pulled up and then covering everything and, you know, kind of smoothing it out best. I could. Never thought about a steamer. I don't think I even knew how. I don't think I've even steamed clothes before I met John, but I was just a real wrinkly person. But I now I just don't make it when you're gone.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I just pull it up sometimes. Sometimes I don't even do that. I mean, luckily we. The spiders haven't heard because I haven't found a spider in our bed when you're gone. But I think sometimes when you're on, like, you're coming back the day of. I'll do my best, you know, put things back.

[B]

But don't you feel. Don't you feel, like, weird when you walk into the room, the bed's not made?

[A]

I do, but I feel weirder if I looked at my shit way of making it at this point, knowing that you will do so much better with the cute little accent pillows. I didn't have an accent pillow before. I just said the pillows you sleep on.

[B]

I like an accent pillow.

[A]

I know. In our guest room, the room that we just. That we. We had Dolly the. The cat, AKA Cat, Benatar the cat. We were fostering the room that was kind of her room to start in, to keep her separate. And then eventually it opened up and. But she was staying and she would go back in there. It was like a little safe spot. So she would go back in there. Cutest thing, she's so little. And she'd get on the bed and anyway, once she got adopted. And by the way, I think it's gonna stick. The woman who adopted her is wonderful. And her cat's not seems. They're checking each other out, but it seems like it's gonna. It's gonna be a really good match. And I'm very happy. She sends me updates every day. I miss my Dolly do. But it. She ended up where she's supposed to, I believe. And anyway. But when. So once we just. We just didn't bother with that bed with that room while Dolly was going in and out. Because we're like, there's the. We're going to have to, you know, there's cat hair. You're going to have like, once. Once she's out of it, we're going to have to, you know, wash everything and, And, And. And steam the floors and all this stuff. Just because there was a litter box in there, you know all the basics that you do. And, and when I say we, I mean John. Well, here's the thing.

[B]

First of all, that cat was not that smelly.

[A]

That was a clean smell. Yeah.

[B]

We've had other cats that we've taken from the streets. And I thought, like, that one fucking cat. I thought we were gonna have to burn down the house when we got rid of it. That cat stunk in our. Our house. Does not that smell like cat whatsoever. No cats lived here when you walked in. But also.

[A]

No. But can I just explain really quick what that is so that people understand? It's not. Cats don't stink, but these are cats that have been living outside. So they don't get the proper grooming, they don't get the proper diet. So, you know, they get into messes. They got. Sometimes they probably eat rodents, whatever. So sometimes when you trap a feral cat that you're getting, they don't have the best odor to them. Ziggy didn't at first, and then he smelled great afterwards, and now he's living his best life all clean and nice. So just wanted to explain that. Go ahead.

[B]

Well, when you took Dolly away to her next owner, her forever owner, Riverside, crying. I have to. I have to clean out this entire room, get every evidence that Dolly was ever here out of here. Because if Sarah has to do anything in here, she's going to be bawling her eyes out. So I like, for hour and a half, I just cleaned the. Out of the room, Got everything out of it, erased all, all, all proof that Dolly ever lived there.

[A]

I know the little bit of me was like. It's like she was never here. We just erased her. But tell you what, that bed looked real nice.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

You tucked in the sides. I, I tried to do.

[B]

Washed everything.

[A]

You did, yes, but I, I tried to. I tried. Anyway, I would love to know your guys's bed making habits at home. Who does it? Who's in charge? If you're single, do you make the bed? You know, like I, like I used to, which I guess was just not. Was just haphazard.

[B]

You want to know a lot of

[A]

people's arguments in the Facebook group when

[B]

I talk, we need to make my bed and make it nice. People's arguments are, what does it matter? I'm just gonna mess it up again tomorrow night.

[A]

Right. Well, that would be like saying if you clean your kitchen after a meal,

[B]

that would be like saying, why do I have to change my underwear? I'm just gonna make them dirty again. Why do I have to change my clothes? Why do I have to put on deodorant? I'm gonna eventually stink. That's a stupid shower.

[A]

It is stupid. I agree. I agree.

[B]

How dare you?

[A]

How dare you. Because think about the kitchen. You don't say that about your kitchen because you clean it. I mean, you know, I'm obsessive with the kitchen, so that's my thing. Like, I clean up. I don't like to have a big cleanup after dinner. I do it as you.

[B]

You clean up as you go. Like, you always make a big meal. You have all these dishes. You make a big deal. Even though you make. Like we make the big turkey dinner twice a year, but it's still like a lot of pots and pans, even though we don't make it from scratch. But. But by the time we're eating, everything's already cleaned.

[A]

Yeah, I don't like.

[B]

I like it a lot.

[A]

Yeah, I. That's my. I have a qu. I have some qualities. That's one of them.

[B]

Babe, you have a million qualities.

[A]

Well, stop it. Every once in a while I find. I find a dirty pan in the oven, though, because some. Because sometimes the pants are too hot to clean, and then we have to put it in the oven because one of the cats will jump on and try to lick.

[B]

I found. I found one.

[A]

And by.

[B]

When you were gone, I found a pan in the oven that I'd left there for making baked potatoes because I just. You know, it's like 500 degrees. So you take the potato out and you just forget that that pan's in there.

[A]

Yeah. So every once in a while that happens. But we're. That's our bed making situation is John's in charge and he's got a whole system and it looks real nice and he smooths it out. He takes the. He takes this roller that we have to get the cat hair off of it for when sometimes Ralphie sleeps on there and he's a big shatter. So there's just a whole system. And as far as, like, closets and stuff, though, I'd say that's where you're messy. Like, you're.

[B]

Yeah, I have. Definitely have hoardy hoarder tendencies, and I really fight against it. It's really hard for me to throw things out, so I'm really, really trying to fight against it. And I'm. I'm better than I used to be. But I. I still could get better.

[A]

Yeah, no, you are. You're good. When I get ramped up about it. Like, I'm about to do that for the closet in the office. I'm about to do that to you because it's a little. There's a lot going on in there. And. And in my side, too, by the way. I'm about to do it to both of us because the. The. The kitchen drawer that I. I had it. I was like, we got to get this thing cleaned out. It was both of us. We had so much in there with so many cords. I've never seen so many cords in my life. But. Well, here's, like, every time you get. Go ahead.

[B]

You don't. You don't check your cords all the time. Like, in that closet, we have so many cords for so many things, and you put them. Like, I put them in a little bin, and then, like, two years later, half them are completely obsolete.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And you don't. You don't even realize that snuck up on you. Now you have 20 cords that you don't even. Can't even use anymore.

[A]

Right. Like, different. You know, they change the things for the iPads and the iPhones and the plugs and the. Whatever. But I forgot what I was going to say. Oh, you're like. You know that. Remember that episode of Friends because Monica was obsessive cleaner, and then they opened that closet and he found that she has not.

[B]

What my closet's like.

[A]

Not your closet, but your drawer. I'm saying you're like that. Like, you have a hidey hole where you're just of disaster. And I think you.

[B]

You don't.

[A]

You.

[B]

I think you have to have a junk drawer.

[A]

You got, like, a few, though.

[B]

I don't have a few. I have two in my room.

[A]

Well, you get the office. That's kind of a junk drawer cabinet. You got no drunk drawer that we just cleaned out. You've got a couple iffy shelves in the pantry, which I have to go through today because there's a lot going in there that I need to go through today. But I need what's her face from this book to come organize our pantry. And then I did, like, how. There was one point she was talking about how you go from, like, you organize it from, like, meals, like breakfast to dinner. I was like, that's. That's kind of smart. But then we don't really eat breakfast. I don't know. Or lunch. Yeah, a lot of protein shakes happen and yogurts anyway. But then you also have your nightstand drawer, which I remember one time you needed something, or I was Looking for something. And I opened it and I was like, oh, my God. And I just closed it and I said, I don't know where anything is.

[B]

That's my personal drawer. I can keep it how I want to.

[A]

I know you can. No, I know you can. I just. Of course you can. I just was surprised because you're so organized. I think the first time I saw it, I felt like that episode of Friends. It felt like when Chandler discovered Monica had a dirty closet, I was like,

[B]

ooh, there's things that I hang on to that I don't need to. And then I. Usually when I. When I lived in Seattle, I thought I was being so clean because I had like. I forget what the number. I had a certain number. Like a certain number of hats just fit in all the stalls in my. In a certain number of shoes. And then I had like something like a. I got a certain amount of hangers. It was like a hundred hangers, whatever. If there's ever one too many shirts for the hangers, I had to get rid of that shirt. So it's a great system. Everything was very good. But what I was. All I was doing was taking all the extra stuff and putting it in the guest room walk in closet. And then when that got full, I took it to Arizona and put in that walk in closet. It was just. It was just a ladder. It kept going down. All of a sudden I went to Arizona like last year. And there I had like 500 shirts. This I threw out. I got rid of, like, hundreds of shirts and my. It just kept on going down. So now I got it. I got to figure out a better system.

[A]

Well, it is. It's hard. I feel like I need. I need. I. We need someone who's good at that because I'm bad at throwing out stuff too. Even though I'm now rocking it on Poshmark. When I find random things, which my. That's really slowed down for me. I had a real hot streak and then it went away. But I. Mostly I give, like, I have right now four bags and an old. Not an old suitcase, but a suitcase I don't need anymore because Calpat keeps sending me suitcases. So I have this, like, pretty good suitcase. And I. It's all for Goodwill. So I. And. But even when I look in there and I go, okay, I've got these, like, five things I need to take to Goodwill. Big bags. My closet still looks like I didn't move anything out of. Looks like I didn't do take anything out of it. But I did. I took like five bags of clothes.

[B]

Do you remember during COVID when everyone cleaned out their closet in the same month after that show came out on Netflix? And eventually Goodwill just said, please stop bringing clothes. I think specifically women's clothes. Like, please stop bringing women's clothes. We cannot handle any more women's clothes.

[A]

Yeah. And there we have this awful. We have this Goodwill right by our house. That should be convenient. But it's the worst because it's got no parking. And it's the. It's a terrible, terrible one. And then when you finally get in there and try to get a spot in there in their tiny parking lot, then someone yells at you that they're not taking any more donations that day and you have to leave. You're like, well, it's parking lot. Don't worry.

[B]

It's one of those parking lots. When you pull in, you pull all the way to the various. You keep on going. And then if there's no spots, you got to back all the way back out onto Ventura. Like, you got to back out onto Ventura. Like. And then if someone comes in behind you, now two cars have to back out. There's no. It's no. It's not a through. It's not a rainbow. It's a one way dead end. It's impossible. I won't even. I won't even park in there. I park the next door.

[A]

Yeah, well, I need to take that now. Now I'm reminding myself I need to take that stuff to Goodwill. But. Oh, you know what? So my. But I have kind of a problem in my drawer, and it's honestly mostly from free that I got for a long time.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

So my top drawer by my nightstands. One is the. The plus gummies. They used to send me a lot of gummies from plus because I love them. Great sleep gummies. But then they would send me a variety pack with not just the sleep. And I didn't really take anything else. So now I just got like. I mean, they're probably expired at this point. And then you know what else I got in that top drawer? A lot of. And the plugs that go with them.

[B]

What?

[A]

A lot of dildos.

[B]

Why so many?

[A]

I know. I'd like to explain. Sarah, please explain. I will. Because for a while on Are you My podcast, which is my podcast with Mary Radzinski. If you guys don't listen. It's very funny. We just do random topics and it's fun. Sometimes we watch TV shows Married at first sight when it's in season. We had a sponsor called Dame, and they do sex toys, and they sent us a whole box each, like, of a lot of them. And. And there's one, you know, that's been put to use, and John's seen it. This is. I'm not trying to turn this into a Megan Quinn novel, but there's. But there's other. First of all, they all came with a little bag, and they all come. They're like, rechargeable. So they all have a cord and then a little thing to store the cord in. So there's like four or five of those floating around in there. And then one time they sent me, like, a bat.

[B]

It's.

[A]

It's like a bat. It's the biggest intimidating scene. It is. It's never been used. I don't want to use it, but I don't know what to do with it. I don't. I don't know why I won't throw it away. But then I'm afraid to throw it away.

[B]

Poshmark. Somehow they will know what to do with it.

[A]

Yeah. Take those. Yeah. New with tags. Oh, my God.

[B]

Can you.

[A]

You imagine if I just put this billy club on Poshmark? Try. They'd be. They'd close my account right away, just so you know. But. But I don't know why I never. I don't know why I didn't just throw it away right away when it came, because I was like, whoa, that's not. And no, hey, whatever you guys are into, use it. It just. This one is not for me. I just was like, you know, do that.

[B]

Speaking of that, you know what I learned the other day? You know what? Strap on. Strap on spelled backwards is no parts.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Well, if you're a lesbian, you need a strap on because you have no parts, as in you don't have a penis.

[A]

Oh, I know, but not just lesbians use it. Everyone. Lots of people use it. Guys like it. And. And they have those parts. Some guys like it to be used on them.

[B]

Okay, but. Okay, then. Then. Then a straight woman would strap it on because she has no parts.

[A]

I know, but guys strap them on too.

[B]

Why would a guy strap it on?

[A]

I don't know. I might have made that up, but I think they do.

[B]

Why? For what reason? Just never. Let's get back to something else. I thought I was really bringing up some good news. It's not some good news, but some quality news. Well, you might be right, because backwards is spelled no parts. My God. Okay, there's Some people out there, they're like, oh, my God, my mind's blown, John. And other people, like you are like, I don't get it.

[A]

Well, and that's. You know what? There's two. There's. There's. Everyone's different. Some are stupid, like me. And some thought. Think you're a genius for coming up with that.

[B]

Two dildos to each story and two sides.

[A]

Yeah, maybe I'll just throw it out. I. I don't know why this fear of, like, throwing it out and then it just. And then the trash guy comes, and then it just falls out when they're doing it. And then there's just a big dildo on our street right in front of our house.

[B]

Oh, my God. That's why we don't sleep at night. That's why we don't sleep.

[A]

Things that keep me up and things that want to keep me up, but I won't use them. So, anyway, I do have. I have a drawer I need to clean out. And you know what else I have? What do you have? And. Well, a. So some pieces of the Berlin Wall

[B]

in a bag, right, that your dad brought back from when he went to Berlin for an NFL football game he was covering.

[A]

That's right. And he. He brought that back. And my stepmom thought I might want it. And in an emotional moment, I decided I wanted it. And then I realized, what am I going to do with this? It's just. I. You know, I mean, I understand. It's cool, but I just. I don't. Is just sitting in a drawer right now, so I really need to figure that out. And. And I believe some of my dad's ashes are also in that drawer. But we sprinkled most of them. I kept a little bit to try to put in a locket, which I haven't done yet. And then the other thing I have in there might be interesting for the book. Lisp is a book that my dad started and never quite finished. It was like a. Like a. I feel like it was going to be kind of a. Who's the author that writes a lot of, like, the President. But then, you know, there's, like, a crime going on and the President's involved. You know what I'm talking about?

[B]

Sounds like. Sounds like the TV show at 24.

[A]

Yeah, but. Well, yeah, not quite like that. But anyway, I can't think of who I'm thinking of, but like a political crime thing. Like, not that the President's the criminal. It's just that there's high level People involved and I don't know. Anyway, I'm. He never finished it and I want to try to finish it and see.

[B]

That'd be cool.

[A]

And. And he started it a very long time ago, so I. It would probably need to be kind of like updated. Whatever. I think he almost finished it is what she said. But I haven't read it yet because it's been. I just didn't have it in me. But I'm. I'm now going to read it and try to. I just thought, wouldn't it be cool if I could publish a book that my dad started and I finished?

[B]

Yeah, that'd be really cool.

[A]

I've just never written fiction before, but I. I think, I mean, I have for tv, so I. I know I can do it and I know I'd actually be really good at it. So I think I'll keep you guys updated on that. And John, I know you have. Yeah. You have plans tonight. You're going put to the poker. You're going. You're gonna go be a poker player?

[B]

Poker player. Smoke cigars and play poker. You know, hanging out with the dudes. Yeah,

[A]

boy. So maybe I'll start reading it tonight. Reading it again tonight and start thinking about it. Just thought I'd let you guys know that. Anyway, so that was one topic I wanted to talk about. The other one is like nice restorative, cleaning, etc, blah, blah, blah. And I want to know what you. What you guys think about that. And if any of you want to come over and organize my pantry, please let me know. And another one. Is that where it go? Sorry. Oh, so you don't use a lot of Instagram?

[B]

No, I don't. I don't like it.

[A]

No. You don't like it. He. He logs on once in a while. Like when we do our taste test. Like we just did the Gringo de Mayo where we were drinking random tequilas for the hot. For the Cinco de Mayo, even though it was just stupid. But you can see it on my Instagram. Sarah Colona one. John's is John Ryan. Underscore nine, I think.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Yeah. And so he'll log on to do that stuff or to repost things for the pickles and, and. And the cherry bombs and the bangers. Whatever. Our sports. His sports teams. Our sports teams. But. So you don't really scroll Instagram if you find yourself doing it. You.

[B]

Yeah, the other. The other night I couldn't sleep and I was scrolling it and then the next morning I was like, oh, I erase it usually If I ever find myself scrolling it, then I just erase the app because it's.

[A]

It just.

[B]

It's just a. Like a time suck that I absolutely hate. Whenever I'm done, I'm like, I just wasted 20 minutes or 30 minutes on just absolutely nothing that's got nothing out of that. And it bothers me.

[A]

I know. And that's a good thing to do. It's a good thing to be aware of. I am. I obviously have to do the book list, but I have to do my clutch Women. I have to do Are you my podcast. I have to do Sarah Colonna, my own personal one where I for. I mean, comedian, author, blah blah, blah one. And then. And then I don't have to do Felice Navi Paws, our cat's Instagram. But I did add that to my. I added it to my list of things to do, but that's just kind of fun. That's one where I can actually just post photos of cat of our cats and enjoy it. And listen, They've got almost 4, 000 followers now. If you guys are following it at Felice Navi Paws. Okay, just like it sounds. And anyway, so I can't really do that, but I am guilty of scrolling. I remember the other night you and I were having some wine and I was scrolling showing you some things that I thought were funny. And then what happens is. So she mentions this at the beginning in the book that the. That Instagram because she's not really taking care of herself right now. How Instagram has all these suggestions for self care and. And I thought, oh my God, I. It's so funny. We all know if you Google something you end up with ads for it, right? We all know that's connected. We. I understand if I. I remember one time I talked about the fact that I have hooded eyelids. My. Thanks dad. I love my dad, but he gave me hooded eyelids. And I remember talking about it and then all I got the next day was ads for different things that people use to make their eyelids not look hooded. Like different firming creams for your eyelids. And if you think I didn't buy a couple of those, you're crazy. So I have this issue a little bit with Instagram and Facebook suggestions.

[B]

Do you want to know what I like?

[A]

Go ahead.

[B]

What I do like on Instagram is I like a lot of investing stuff, a lot of financial stuff. And so when I get into that algorithm, then it keeps on giving me different financial stuff. But then what I found as I go deeper into that, I'm like, oh, I really like this. And then they start feeding you just stuff that you like financially. Like things that I believe in son of just started taking me down. Everyone's just agreeing with all the things that I like and how I believe in investing. And I'm like, well, this is no good either because now I'm not even hearing the other side. They were slowly just guiding me into what I like in the financial world.

[A]

Oh, isn't that interesting? Yeah. And I didn't really know, to be honest, I didn't really know they did suggestions for things like that. For, like how. What kind of accounts have financial suggestions?

[B]

Oh, there's, there's a ton of guys on there that just do. Like, different financial advice, what they believe in, what they're investing in, what their returns are, what they're.

[A]

To a person that's giving you the recommendation.

[B]

And there's hundreds, there's thousands of these different guys and women who give you different financial advice, different retirement advice. But then I, I agree with some of the stuff they're saying and some of them are not. And they slowly start to guide you towards all the stuff you, that you like in the financial world.

[A]

Oh, so then you're not even really getting advice anymore. You getting your own advice.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. By. After a while, then I'm like, okay, this is great. But now these people are just telling me exactly what I want to hear because I agree with all their financial, you know, whatever their structure.

[A]

Right. Well, it's funny because then when you. I didn't even know. I mean, that makes sense. And yeah, if you're liking certain. If, you know, I liked a couple of those videos with those, those people singing that Pablo Escobar.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And then all I saw for a week was just. Those were all my suggest. I'm like, okay, I thought a couple of those were funny, but I don't need to see everybody's version. And then for a minute I thought we were going to make a version. And then I was like, well, now I don't want to do it anymore because I'm sick of this fucking song and all the videos they're sending me. But I do get one thing that happens always is when you're shopping and then you get, you know that. The ads from that company later. And I'm like, but I already bought from them. So like the zero proof is where I get that fake wine that I like that when we have our, our Monday through Thursday drive dry days. And I like to have a fake wine when we're watching some Netflix and this one brand that I like, I forget the name of it. Sorry. But it's on the zero proof. And then I'll order that, and then the next thing you know, a bunch of ads for the zero proof, and I'm like, but I just was there. So that's counteractive or counterproductive. But, boy, do they get me on some other things. Because this, like, this eye stuff I have on, it's called Gen C. It looks. I don't know, the packaging kind of looks cheap. I thought I wasn't gonna like it, but I kept seeing these girls put it on and I thought. I thought that looks nice. So I'm gonna do that. And I ordered it and now I reordered it all the time because I like it. Okay, well, do you like it?

[B]

I do like it. It looks very good.

[A]

Batting my eyes, Adam. Just trying to get a compliment over here.

[B]

You look gorgeous.

[A]

I think the red light mask, the omnilux that worked on me, I ended up get. You ended up getting me one for Christmas because I kept seeing it and I kept. And then they kept pushing it back into my algorithm. However, that was also recommended to me by my estheticians, so. Right, fair enough. Usually I'm not going to pull the trigger on like a 300 something, $anything based on some suggestions from Facebook. But. But like the hooded eye thing, that was. After a while, you're like, what you. Okay, I get it. Like, you're. Sometimes the suggestions are. Are so. Are so pointed that you just feel like they're targeting you because they're like, oh, do you feel like a frumpy old bitch? Here's what we think you should order today.

[B]

Our good friends in advertising and I complained about that to him one time, and he brought up a really good point. He goes, wouldn't you rather have things that you're interested in being advertised on your screen rather than like, I like, I don't need dog food and combines. You know what I mean? Like, that'd be ridiculous. Waste of time. But so they have things that are more men's clothing, men's face stuff. That's what's guided towards me, and that's what I get on my. My feed.

[A]

Yes, and that's a good point. However, I don't need to be reminded every day that sometimes I just want to watch one of those stupid videos with the Pablo Escobar song, and I don't want to be reminded that I might be getting crepey skin around my knees. I don't need that. I don't need that on a daily reminder. I got a mirror.

[B]

Okay, well, tomorrow you're about to get a bunch of advertisements about those two things.

[A]

My phone is. Is storing up terrible suggestions for me as we speak. I might even get some financial bros advice, thanks to you.

[B]

You don't want the bros advice. You want the established people's advice.

[A]

Well, I get your advice, bro.

[B]

Just buy a bunch of Bitcoin and sit back and enjoy your retirement. Dude,

[A]

you know what? You should start an account where you just talk like that and.

[B]

Oh, then you just go and, like, do like, a hundred bench presses and a thousand curls and just go to the beach, dude. Take some protein.

[A]

Talk about how many. Talk about how many. How much protein you have to eat in a day.

[B]

Oh, bro, you have to take so much protein. When you're done, you like, you. Look, Maxine, you just hit yourself in the hammer with your face over and over again. And then you just, like, do a bunch of other. You do the meowing. The meowing. And then you do the. Look, Maxine.

[A]

Wait, what's the meowing?

[B]

So you put your tongue at the top of your mouth and you, like, press up and it's supposed to build your jaw. It's complete and utter. I even asked a dentist, an orthodontist about it. He was absolute complete. And then they take hammers doing it

[A]

right now, and it makes. Makes your face look crazy.

[B]

Yeah, look. Then they take hammers. They take hammers and they go like this to make their chin. But all they're doing is making it swollen. They're not making it bigger. There's like, I mean, just, just. But just when I think men are taking a step forward, we take. We turn around and run backwards a mile.

[A]

Look, Maxine, don't they. Don't some of them actually, like, break bones in their faces?

[B]

Yeah, they have, because they hit themselves with a hammer. Like, I was like, what? I like, I was so fascinated by this. If someone said, look, Max, you know, I was like, what? This? I don't even want to know what that term is. So I watched a 45 minute special on it on Hulu, and I lost 45 minutes of my life that I'll never, ever get back.

[A]

So what? Will you explain it to me? Because I've seen. I mean, I've seen it and I know, I know there's, like, one big influencer. I forget his name. That does it. He just recently, like, had an OD or something, too. I forgot his name.

[B]

Yeah, but so Basically. So they're basically encouraging teenage boys to do. Absolutely. And men in their 20s, I guess anyone, to absolutely. Do whatever you can to look the best you possibly can. So a lot of it's good, you know, moisturizer, face stuff. Then they're like, I take testosterone and all this stuff, and I'm like 16 years old and I take steroids, so I need my body to look lean and fit. And then I do. They just do all the stuff to their skin that they get their hair just. Just so. And then they like have like a website where they rate each other and they help each other look. Look, Maxine, it's. It's the most annoying thing that I've ever observed in my life.

[A]

But what do they do with the hammer?

[B]

They. They hit on their jaw right here because they look. They want to make that muscle look bigger to make them. Their jaw look more defined.

[A]

Oh, it's like doing a bunch of push ups before you go to the pool or something.

[B]

Not really, though. Bruising that muscle until it, like, makes it larger and then until it makes it swollen. So you have swollen jaw and they think that looks oh, so good.

[A]

I feel like they're gonna have some serious jaw problems. Yeah, right.

[B]

I mean, that's the least of their worries. If you can die of douchebaggery, do that first.

[A]

I didn't expect this to be such an educational podcast, John. Oh, but here we are again.

[B]

It's a frustrating world.

[A]

Well, it is. And I want to go out on you doing your. Give them one more advice as a bro, bro.

[B]

Have you ever heard of creatine, bro? You need like at least 20 grams before you even wake up in the morning, like in the middle of the night. Just drink creatine, bro, before the protein. Then you have to run like five to nine miles before you be fast. Then we eat. Be fast. Then, you know, like, skip your lunch, bro, and just probably go to the gym. You be fast. You know, you go to the Jimmy, work out for a couple more hours, hit the suntown in bed. Hit it hard. 12 minutes with the lotion. All right? Then go to the beach and just get like, vibes, just like gnarly vibes from the, from the young chickies. Then make sure you go to bed, like, wicked, wicked early. So then you can like wake up again middle of night and drink your creatine before your PT and you know, and then you eat a little B fast ego again, brah.

[A]

I would. You'd be such a disturbing. I feel the sad thing is you'd have so many followers if you turned into this guy.

[B]

And

[A]

maybe we can make some money off of it. Thank you. Thanks for that, John. Thank you, guys, for being here. This went by quickly. We are reading Summer Romance by Annabel Monaghan. And then June's book is Kill Me, Kill for Me, Kill for you by Steve Kavanaugh. The Patreon short story is Cold, Cold Heart by Karen Slaughter. You got your homework cut out for you, but all in a good way. And we will see you next week. If we don't see you on patreon on the 15th.

[B]

See? A bra.

[A]

The book list, the book lisp. The book list, the book lisp. The book lisp.