← The Candace Cameron Bure Podcast
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- [00:00]
A
Now we're going to talk about the spark.
- [00:02]
B
The spark?
- [00:03]
A
The spark. Is it just what it sounds like?
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B
Yeah. Even when you say it, it's the spark.
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A
We've talked a lot on this show about having a healthy relationship with our bodies. And let me remind you, God doesn't love us anymore or any less because of the number on the scale. Yet weight loss can be a very valid goal, and sometimes it feels a whole lot harder than it should. I know how it goes. You're making better choices, you're trying to eat healthier, you're staying active, and yet the scale barely moves. And that can be incredibly discouraging. That's something PhD weight loss really understands because for many people, the issue isn't willpower at all, it's what's happening under the surface. At PhD weight loss, the focus isn't just on eating less or moving more, it's about helping your body work with you again. Their approach looks at metabolism, mindset and habits together, not in isolation. Many traditional diets solely focus on calorie counting and restriction, which can actually make weight loss much harder over time. PhD starts by helping people become metabolically flexible, training the body to use fat for fuel instead of constantly relying on sugar for energy. When that happens, energy levels stabilize, cravings quiet down, and weight loss stops feeling like a daily battle. Their meal plans are intentionally designed to support that process. They're rooted in whole, nutrient dense foods, similar to an ancestral or paleo style approach, while also using familiar, thoughtfully formulated meal replacements early on to ease the transition. That way clients aren't shocked into change overnight. Instead, they're guided step by step towards sustainable habits their body can actually maintain. And just as importantly, PhD does not ignore the mental and emotional side of weight loss. That component has been instrumental in my health journey. They help clients understand their patterns, triggers and relationship with food. So progress isn't driven by guilt or restriction, but by clarity and confidence. Call 864-644-1900 to book your consultation. It's free and it's personalized. For your specific goals, call 864-644-1900 or visit myphdweightloss.com and make sure that you tell them Candice sent you. Sometimes I see all the needs around the world and honestly I don't always know where to start. There's just so much and it can really feel overwhelming. But something I keep coming back to is this idea that we don't have to solve everything, we just have to show up where we can. For me, that's meant learning more about Israel and the very real needs there right now. Elderly men and women, including Holocaust survivors, who need basic things. Food, medicine, someone to care. The International Fellowship of Christians and Jews has been doing this work for decades, and what I love about them most is how practical and trusted they are. Help actually gets to the people who need it. And honestly, it's one of those things that just feels right, like this is something I can do. If you've been looking for a way to make a real difference, come join me. Visit ifcj.orgcandice that's ifcj.org candace. Life is like a roller coaster, but it's so much better when we go through it together. Welcome to the Candace Cameron Bure podcast. This show isn't about me. I make it for you. And the whole point of the season is to help you find better connection in your relationships. If you're watching on YouTube, don't forget to subscribe and click to tap the bell to be notified of any new episodes. Jason Van Ruler is here to share stories that help us get better at communicating and connecting with the people we love most. Come join us. Hi, Jason.
- [04:23]
B
Hey.
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A
I've. I've been waiting to come back this week because last week was just so fun.
- [04:29]
B
It was amazing.
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A
It's incredible to learn these different communication types. And I don't know, I'm just a pro. I'm a. I'm a person that likes the process of bettering myself, bettering my relationships. And. And I love taking an assessment. What can I say?
- [04:46]
B
Me too. Yeah. It's a hobby for me, really. What do you do on Saturday night? Taking an assessment. That's what I'm up to.
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A
What are some of the other assessments that you've taken that have been. That have been really helpful in your life?
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B
Yeah, I mean, honestly, I would say any assessment I've taken has been helpful because I think either it tells us who we are or who we aren't. Right. So I like assessments for that reason. The big five personality assessment, the mmpi, which is.
- [05:10]
A
I've never taken either of those.
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B
Or we're going to get you taken those. A lot of people know about Enneagram. That's. That's an easy one. That's really helpful for people. You can do like the disc and I mean, there's tons of them.
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A
And we've done strength finders.
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B
Strength finders as well.
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A
Strength finders within our company. And that's been really helpful. I'd actually like to take that again because it's Been a little while and see if any of my strengths and weaknesses have changed.
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B
Yes.
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A
I want to become stronger. I want to be a better communicator as a mom, as a wife, and within my company, as a business owner. Because that's really so important when you're leading a team to lead well and help encourage others. It's not about. Not about dictating.
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B
Right.
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A
You know, we all have jobs to do, but it's about building other people up to be the best that they can be in whatever position they have. So. Yeah.
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B
And I think it. I mean, it's one of those things you can always get better at.
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A
Yeah.
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B
You know, you never really go, okay, well, I reached the summit, and now everything's perfect. And I'm great at this. It's like, you can always.
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A
I won't be perfect.
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B
Well, you might be perfect for everybody else. We're going to struggle a little bit, but, I mean, I've even kind of felt at times managing my own team of like, well, I should be great at this. If anybody's gonna be good at this,
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A
because you're the expert.
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B
You wrote I should be phenomenal. But. But what I have to look out for is I still, when. When pressure rises, come back to kind of my old way of doing it and. And kind of forget to make it work for everybody else.
- [06:33]
A
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's. It's good to know all of the different communication types, but consistently revisit them, wouldn't you think?
- [06:42]
B
Yeah. And notice the people who kind of activate it and are a challenge for you, because it's usually a place we could grow.
- [06:48]
A
Okay, before we get into that, I would love to know a little bit more about you because you live in South Dakota, and I don't know that I know anyone that lives in South Dakota. You might be listening or watching from South Dakota and welcome. But I honestly don't know if I've ever been there. So, anyway, tell me. Tell me something about South Dakota or where you live that you love.
- [07:13]
B
Well, I mean, all 10 of us are thrilled. So thrilled that you're talking about South Dakota.
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A
By the way, this is not a diss in any way. I genuinely don't know if I've been there.
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B
Most people don't. And that's both the most wonderful thing and a challenge sometimes, because South Dakota is actually a pretty amazing place. People think of Mount Rushmore on the other side of the state where I'm from. Sioux Falls is complete opposite. But what I love about it is we're actually A city of over 200,000 people. And so there's some people there, but it's small enough, you can get around really easily. And it's small enough to feel like, you know, people. And you know, that's, that's. I mean, you don't always get that everywhere.
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A
No, you don't. And as someone born and raised in la, I mean, I lived next to my neighbors for years and years and didn't know them because people don't talk in la.
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B
Yeah.
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A
But I now live in a much smaller town and it is the most, one of the most beautiful things in my life. I love it. I walk down a street and people are like, hi, Mrs. Bure, or hi, Candace. And not because I'm on TV, but genuinely because it's a small town. You walk into the grocery store and it's, hi, Mrs. Bure. Oh, are you coming back for some sumo oranges? They all know if you know, you
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B
know, now that you've gotten us on the sumo oranges also. So thank you for that.
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A
Yes, you're welcome. You're welcome. I love small towns for that reason. And I love the tea. Not the tea that you drink, but I love the tea in a small town because everyone knows everyone's business.
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B
Everybody knows everything.
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A
But I didn't grow up with this. I'm sure if you grow up in it, it's so annoying everyone.
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B
I think it's less fun. Yeah, it's less fun.
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A
But I think this is hysterical when you know, the postman's delivering something so they know what product you're buying or, you know, my mother in law is the town pharmacist, so she knows all the prescriptions that are coming.
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B
There's lots of knowledge there. And I think it really, the depth of how much people know depends on how many residents there are. So. So like my wife grew up in a farm town which had 600 people. They know every, I mean, I think they know every single detail. So where I'm at, they know a little less, but they still know. And then there's that talk. And yeah, if you're not used to it. I've had some friends move from much bigger cities, like, okay, well now people are talking and what do you do about that?
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A
And that's the thing, by the way, I said my mother in law and I meant to say my son's mother in law.
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B
Okay.
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A
My mother in law lives in Moscow, Russia, but little different. A little different.
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B
Little different.
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A
Well, thanks for sharing that. I love that. So we are going to talk About. Oh, first let's go to a listener question. Let's do it. I loved starting off the episode with a listener question. And this one is from Morgan. She's a mom with young kids and she wants to know, how have you helped your kids with worry? I have an overthinker three year old little girl and teaching her to take her thoughts captive is not something I thought I would be doing so young.
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B
Yeah, she's an overachiever at three.
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A
At three, yeah. Well, an overthinker and she worries a lot. So tell me, doctor.
- [10:24]
B
Yeah, well, not doctor, but I'll tell you what I know, which is at three, you know, a lot of times it has a lot to do with a child being overstimulated or under regulated. And that's why they kind of get into this repetition. The other thing is that kids often repeat what they've heard. So we're kind of always teaching them how to communicate at home and if they're hearing it, you know, that's what they're going to repeat. One of the funniest stories I think about being a dad is my oldest son, Oliver. He's a lot like me. And you know, so in my house we talk a lot about self help and therapy and bettering yourself. And so we have this photo of him and he's like maybe five or six, but he sits down at a computer and we're like, what are you doing, buddy? And he's like, well, I'm writing a self help book. And we're like, what's it called? And it said, what do I do? I'm stressed. But what was wt? So he's, you know, he's this little kid thinking of stuff that he doesn't really even understand. But he's like, this is what we talk about.
- [11:23]
A
That is so cute.
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B
Yeah, it was great. I still, I try to get him like I want him to write the book as an adult, but we're trying to sell him on it. But I tell you that story because he just kind of heard what we said and repeated it and kind of got stuck in some things that we would talk about. And so sometimes if a kiddo is really stuck, we sort of go, where's this coming from? What's the origin? And maybe it's what we're talking about. Maybe we're really overstimulated or maybe we're filled with worry and they're just kind of taking that on. Or sometimes some kids are just more apt to worry than others.
- [11:55]
A
Yeah, I, I do have A friend who has a son that's a worrier and I don't know her or her husband to be that and their other kids aren't that way, but he is just very much a worrier.
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B
Yeah. And oftentimes those kids are really creative because to really worry, if you think about it, you have to be pretty creative. Right. Because you're making up a hypothetical situation.
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A
Oh, that makes sense.
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B
And so what we do is instead of pathologizing and just say like this is a really bad thing, we just say what if we pointed at a different direction? And so even just kind of understanding how we describe that is maybe it's less about being worried and more about just kind of fantasizing about some things and say what else could we imagine or dream up? The other thing that I've done with my kids is just walk out the worry. That's what I'll say is walk out the worry.
- [12:42]
A
So how do you walk out the worry?
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B
Yeah, so what we want to kind of teach them to do is just if the thing happens they're worried about, then what's the next thing that's probably gonna happen. Right. So sometimes, you know, a kiddo might say, well, I'm really worried I'm gonna get this grade on my test. Okay, well let's say you get a C on the test, then what happens? Well, probably, you know, it'll bring my grade down and I'll okay, well now then what happens? And so we're trying to get em just to walk out all the way to the end of that and they usually end up going, nah, it'll be all right, I guess. Yeah.
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A
Oh, okay.
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B
That's what we do is we have limited context when we're worrying. We sort of stop short of what's actually going to happen and we just kind of focus on the thing we don't want to have happen. And when we put it into context and perspective, it's a lot less scary.
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A
Okay, but in terms of a three year old, because that's really young. How do you simplify that?
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B
Yeah, I think with a three year old, I mean, what's going to be really tough is you're going to have to do a lot of observation because I mean they're just probably not going to have great words for what's going on. So what I would pay attention to is when is this happening and coming up and then how can I change the environment so that's less likely? Okay, so if it's like, well it's coming up when they're around other kiddos, or it's coming up at night, or, you know, how do I adjust the environment so it's less. Less activating to them?
- [14:00]
A
Okay. Yeah, Great. Well, this all plays into the conversation that we're talking about different personality types and finding that connection, what other people are within our families to help them. Help communicate with them better. And this week, we're gonna talk about being a harbor and a spark. Correct?
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B
Yes.
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A
Okay, so let's just recap again. Paths. Peacemaker.
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B
Peacemaker, Yep.
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A
And the advocate and the thinker.
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B
Correct.
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A
And now we're gonna talk about.
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B
Now we're talking about the harbor.
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A
Harbor. Harbor. So let's dive into harbor. What does that mean exactly? Harbor, as in a place where boats come in and anchor.
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B
Exactly.
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A
Okay.
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B
Yeah, exactly. And this is what I'm passionate about, because I'm a harbor. Right.
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A
Okay.
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B
So I'm very excited about our conversation today. But a harbor really is that. That refuge, and it's. It's deep water. And so what a harbor is really concerned with is how do I make space for other people's feelings and even my own feelings. So if we think, you know, the T is the thinker, the harbor is really the feeler. Right. And so the way that they're communicating is feelings oriented.
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A
Okay, so an empath, in a sense.
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B
That's a good way to put it. Yeah.
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A
Okay. Okay, good. And what are. What are the strengths of a harbor? What are. Let's start there.
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B
Yeah.
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A
What are the strengths of a harbor?
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B
Well, they're all strengths, because I am one. It's only strengths. There's no weaknesses. There's no challenges there. Uh, you know, the strengths are people want to talk about how they feel if they're given permission to do so. And so harbors are great at giving people permission to talk about how they feel. And that invites some deeper relationship. Right. So that's really important.
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A
And typically, good listeners.
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B
Yes. Yeah, absolutely. Good listeners. Good at asking questions, too.
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A
Okay, Right.
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B
But the other side of that is sometimes a little too comfortable asking questions.
- [16:01]
A
Oh.
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B
You know, as a therapist, and a lot of, you know, therapists, coaches, pastors, people like that are going to be more harbor oriented, but we are super comfortable asking questions. Okay. So I could sit here all day and ask you questions about how you feel, but if you don't do this, but if you switch it to me, all of a sudden, now it's a little different.
- [16:20]
A
I see.
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B
Right. And so the harbor, what they really do is they try to internally manage themselves to make space for Others.
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A
Okay.
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B
Okay. And so they get a bit overwhelmed if they now are the one in kind of the spotlight.
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A
I see. Do you have a story? I mean, I would think you have some stories to share because you're a harbor of more examples.
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B
Yeah, Yeah. I mean, some of how I've seen it come out for me is in leadership. Even. So I've got a small team that I manage, but being a harbor, I often am feelings oriented. And so I might have a meeting or we might have a retreat or something, and I will spend a lot of time talking about how everyone feels. Right. How are you feeling about what we're going to do? But then we have to make the decision anyway. Okay. And so sometimes what's challenging for me is I walk out of that and I go, hey, I think I just nailed it. Everybody weighed in on how they feel. This is so amazing. And then someone will say, hey, but we didn't actually decide on the thing we're supposed to do, or Jason, we really didn't talk about the steps we have to take because we just kind of got stuck over here. And so sometimes what I've had to learn is that feelings are super important, but they don't always have to lead. And so when I lead managing people that way, it gets me in trouble a little bit.
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A
Okay.
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B
Right. Because we all know how we feel, but sometimes we have to do the right thing anyway. Right. As an advocate, we'd say, well, of course we have to do the right thing. And so how do I kind of manage when to lean into that and when to lean out?
- [17:52]
A
I'm thinking right now about a lot of women in general, because we are more emotional, I would say. I mean, this is a very broad brush, but in general, women are. Have a more caring or nurture nature and feel a lot more. And I always think about within conversations, whether it's especially within business, it's like, put your feelings aside.
- [18:21]
B
Yeah.
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A
And you have to make a decision. But I don't. I'm not sure what question I'm trying to ask, but for. I guess when I think about feelings and a man talking about his feelings, that's so exciting. Every woman wants a man to share their feelings.
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B
Do they? I mean, to a certain extent, yes.
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A
To an extent.
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B
You can call my wife. I mean, there's a limit to that.
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A
To an extent. I'm not married to a Harper, so.
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B
And I'm giving you hearts, so. Yes.
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A
So. So, yes, I'm. I'm sure there's a limit, but I guess I don't know. I want to talk about when, when, when women are told to that their feelings don't count.
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B
Yeah, that's. I mean that's often kind of the origin story of a harbor is, is being in a place where you maybe shared how you felt or wanted to and it was just dismissed or it didn't matter. And so then oftentimes kind of go back to we, we give the gift we needed most. Then, then we just learned to make a lot of space for that. And, and that was really true of me. Right. There was a lot of things that were decided in my childhood that weren't really up to me, but they affected me and had I gotten to share how I felt? I had some big feelings about that. Yeah, right. They weren't really relevant at the time. And I get why. But that wasn't the most important thing. The most important thing was just kind of what needed to happen. And so a lot of times people grow up then and they go, you know, what I'm going to do is I'm going to make sure that how you feel really matters.
- [19:48]
A
Got it.
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B
And that's a wonderful thing. But a lot of times it's from the wound of people didn't ask me.
- [19:57]
A
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- [23:05]
B
Yeah, I mean you, you did a great job of kind of talking about one is it's not always the right thing for the right situation. Right.
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A
It's okay.
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B
There are times where how you feel is less important.
- [23:15]
A
Right.
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B
Even we come down to kind of truth, how you feel in the truth. I mean, we're gonna side on truth, right. So if you say, well, here's what's true, but this is how I feel about it and we have to pick one, we should pick truth. Right. And so sometimes it can get in the way and kind of cloud some decision making because the feelings aren't always so helpful for every decision.
- [23:38]
A
Yeah. Do you have a scripture that it's rooted in?
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B
Yeah, it's Psalm 46:1 and it talks about God is our refuge and strength and an ever present help in trouble. And if you think about that and you think about prayer, God's great at that. Or you can go to God with all the feelings all the time and God's always going to listen to that. And so sometimes I'll work with somebody will say I just don't know who to talk to about this stuff. And I'll just say, well, like there's a built in thing you can do and you can do it right now. And in prayer, I think that is the refuge the harbor also is for others.
- [24:09]
A
Oh, I love that. That's so good. I know. Take my. I always remind myself every time I'm just spinning on my thoughts is to take it to God first before I Call my husband before I call my girlfriend, before I talk to anyone else, to take it to God and give it to him. And. Yeah, because he. I mean, I like to think he doesn't get tired of me talking to him. I don't think he does.
- [24:36]
B
Hasn't told me.
- [24:37]
A
Yeah, he's not human like us. That'll be like, okay, Candace, I've heard this one before.
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B
I've heard this one before.
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A
He's like, bring it all to me. And I just love that about him. Tell me how a harbor is different than a peacemaker. Because in my mind, there are some similarities. There's. So a harbor wants to make space for other people's feelings. A peacemaker wants to keep the peace. But that sounds similar to me. Tell me the difference.
- [25:09]
B
Yeah. The peacemaker's really focused on one feeling. Right. They just want it to be good. Okay. Or peaceful. So that's really the outcome they're looking for. Whereas the harbor is interested in your feeling, even if it's messy, even if it's frustration or anger or something difficult, they want to make space for that.
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A
Okay.
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B
Whereas the peacemaker is less focused on making space for the difficult things and more just saying, like, can we all be okay?
- [25:34]
A
I see. So a little bit more of a people pleaser type in a peacemaker.
- [25:40]
B
Correct.
- [25:41]
A
But the harbor is like a therapist.
- [25:44]
B
Yeah. Yeah. So we're going to make space for whatever you need space for.
- [25:47]
A
Okay. And what would you say some common job descriptions of a harbor would be? Therapist, pastor.
- [25:58]
B
Yeah. I mean, social worker, counselor, coach, kind of caretaking even. I would say sometimes a nurse could be that, you know, but people who are invested in kind of making that room for other people to show up.
- [26:10]
A
Okay.
- [26:11]
B
Yeah.
- [26:11]
A
Well, I certainly love talking to Harpers.
- [26:14]
B
They're great. Yeah, they're great. The. The trouble. I mean, if I could tell you a story about it.
- [26:20]
A
Yes, please.
- [26:21]
B
The trouble is for harbor is just sometimes knowing when it needs to be about how they feel.
- [26:27]
A
Okay.
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B
That's the challenge. They're so good at kind of making space for other people that. That they overlook sometimes that they need that too.
- [26:34]
A
Right.
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B
And so even how you just said, well, it's great to talk to a harbor. It is. But sometimes harbors need to talk to people.
- [26:40]
A
And. And would you have a heart? Do you have a hard time talking to other people?
- [26:44]
B
Yeah, because it's. We mostly do kind of, you know, outbound stuff. You know, we're mostly focus on other people. And so what it reminds me of is I went and I did A therapist training. And so this is a bus full of therapists, which is a great place to be, is a bus full of therapists. But we're on this. This bus, and we're all talking about our job and, you know, the ways that we show up and. And I remember just this one person sharing about how burnt out they were and, you know, kind of said, like, hey, what's. What's that about? And they just sort of said they'd been a harbor, like, their whole life and just never had a harbor for them. And so when you get to that place, if you don't have that person in your life, it can be kind of lonely.
- [27:22]
A
Yeah, that makes sense. Okay, so we know harbor, and now we're gonna talk about the spark.
- [27:30]
B
The spark?
- [27:31]
A
The spark is just what it sounds like.
- [27:33]
B
Yeah. Even when you say it, it's the spark. The spark. Yeah.
- [27:36]
A
They kind of bring the joy into the room. They, like, bring the energy.
- [27:40]
B
They're the people you notice, right. They walk in the room and you go, oh, okay. Well, they're bringing a different energy here. And my suspicion is, you know, some people like that.
- [27:49]
A
So many people. So many people in entertainment, I would say, are sparks. I don't know at their core, but their innermost thoughts. But, yeah, it's all charisma. It's all up front. They walk into a room, everyone turns around. I have some great friends that are sparks, and you love them when they're around because they get conversations going. They're like swizzle sticks, you know, and they get the pot stirring in a good way. They. They engage with people. They get other people to start talking, and they, you know, they can kind of bounce around. I mean, that's what I'm assuming. That's.
- [28:21]
B
No, you're totally right. And if you're having a party, you
- [28:24]
A
want to spark, you want one or two sparks.
- [28:26]
B
Right.
- [28:27]
A
Imperative.
- [28:28]
B
I had to learn that. That took me a long time, even as I learned to do more speaking work. Harbors are a tough sell on the stage. Right. So if you go out there, you're like, let's just talk about our feelings for a couple hours. Kind of a quiet audience. Right, Right. And I think that's why so many sparks are in the entertainment industry is like, you got to bring that big energy and the enthusiasm, and so kind of like you. I know a lot of people who have that. Man, I love those people. They're so much fun to be around.
- [28:55]
A
Yeah.
- [28:56]
B
I think if I could share, maybe where you see some kind of struggle is Going deep. Right. Or going to maybe those difficult conversations or places where it's not so energetic or it's not so fun, there's not so much momentum. They sometimes aren't able to last in that space very long.
- [29:13]
A
Would you say that a lot of sparks are extreme in that way? That it's like just a lot of
- [29:19]
B
everything, just a lot of weight on
- [29:21]
A
totally kind of nothing. And. And they. You would say. Would you say they have a harder time expressing themselves emotionally, sharing feelings? So how. How does a spark work on that part?
- [29:36]
B
Yeah, so they have to kind of learn to. To sit in that discomfort a little bit. You know, it's. I've got a great friend, and I mean, he's as much of a spark as a spark could be wonderful. But if I'm talking to him and I say one negative thing or problem. Right. So I'm kind of struggling with. Pretty sure the call is going to end in about 30 seconds right there. Just like, oh, okay, yeah, I got to go and take care.
- [29:58]
A
Yes.
- [29:59]
B
Now, if it were positive and happy, we could talk for hours. But the minute kind of that. That uncomfortable thing. And so what their challenge is, is can I sit in that for a little bit? Doesn't mean you have to become it entirely, but can I sit in it? And the reason is because if we really want connection, we overlook people sometimes, or we. We kind of push through them if we don't learn how to slow down and kind of stop and say, we actually have to talk about this.
- [30:26]
A
Yeah, it's. To me. Well, guys, if you're a spark, I mean, I want you at my party.
- [30:32]
B
Totally. Yeah.
- [30:33]
A
But it is a more challenging way of communicating, obviously, as an advocate, because, like, I want to go deep. I want to talk about the things you do, too, as a harper. And so the one communication style, when it's just so reserved in there that there's only a surface level that they feel comfortable with, I think, at least for me, is most difficult in a relationship. In a real relationship.
- [31:03]
B
Yeah. You have to earn those feelings from them, you know? So I always tell the story about we were hosting a couple's retreat in Cabo, and so whale watching is a big thing if you visit Cabo. And so we're doing this whale watching tour, and we're looking out, and, you know, there was a ton of dolphins jumping out of the water all the time, which was great. There's not a lot of dolphins in South Dakota, so it was a really good day for us. And you see all the dolphins, but Then every like, maybe 15 minutes, a whale would come up and the tour guide said, you know, the thing about whales is, like, they just don't surface as often. And I think if we're thinking about sparks, like, they just don't surface as often. And so what we want to be really careful about in relationship is if a spark surfaces and they go, hey, I got a thing, actually, that's kind of challenging. We got to pay attention to that.
- [31:53]
A
Okay.
- [31:53]
B
Because kind of like those whales, that's not going to happen again for a long time and you have to really watch for it.
- [31:57]
A
Yeah.
- [31:58]
B
Other people, they're the dolphins. You don't even have to try, and you're like, here they are, they're saying the thing. But a spark when they surface, like that means something.
- [32:06]
A
Yeah. You know, I. Some of my, two of my kids took the assessment and my husband took the assessment. I sent it to them over the text before we had started doing this series because I was just really curious as to what they are. And I had my guesses. One of my, My boys hasn't taken it yet, but there's been such amazing times. And I don't know if he's a spark or not, but it's something that my husband has been so wonderful at within the communication of our kids and spending time and especially with, I would say, our boys, who, you know, are. It takes a little more to get stuff out of them emotionally.
- [32:56]
B
Right.
- [32:57]
A
And he, when he encourages me to spend more time with them, he's like, you just, you just have to be patient and you have to cut. You have to be patient enough to get through all the surface level talk that they, you know, no one really cares about. This is. Again with our kids, like, how was your day? And how's boring? What do they want to talk about? How are your friends? Whatever he said. But then there's a moment where doesn't happen every conversation, but probably, you know, one out of every three it does. And something just opens up a little word, a little something. And he's. He just has these incredible conversations. And I'm like, how. How did you get that out of him? How? I can't believe, you know, you guys talked about there. He told you that? And he just said, because you're not patient enough, Candace.
- [33:56]
B
Yeah.
- [33:57]
A
And he said, you just have to sit there. And sometimes they go out on the patio and they smoke a cigar. And he's like, you know, it's just. The conversations will come from that. But if you're willing to say, hey, for the next two hours, maybe I'm going to sit here. Now, the conversation might only last 20 minutes or 15 minutes, but every once in a while you get those opportunities. And. And so that's what I feel like this, you were saying with the spark
- [34:20]
B
is that when you see that when
- [34:21]
A
it happens, and it might be just a little. A little door opening, a little crack in the door, but you're there to be patient enough to get through it and then sit and listen and. Because it's powerful and meaningful for both. Both parties.
- [34:36]
B
Totally. Yeah. And it is always there. So, I mean, that's a great reminder too, is. It's not that they're, you know, void of that. It's. It just takes a little while.
- [34:44]
A
Yeah, yeah, yeah, agreed. Okay, so we've gone through all five of the communication styles. We've. Let's just recap again because I want everyone to know it. I want. When they're thinking and they're out having a conversation with someone, they can say, pats. Pats. And what are those personality types? So name them again.
- [35:06]
B
Yes. We have Peacemaker, we have Advocate, we have Thinker Harbor. And then we just talked about the spark.
- [35:12]
A
The spark. Okay. And again, there's no personality or community. Sorry, not personality. There's no communication type that is better than one or another.
- [35:23]
B
It's not a contest.
- [35:24]
A
No.
- [35:24]
B
Yeah, it's not a contest.
- [35:25]
A
Although an advocate will tell you it is, but it's not. It's not a contest.
- [35:28]
B
The truth might be, yeah, it's not a contest. And actually, you know, what I would say is it's. It's even like, you know, we identify our type. But what it really is about is it's just a way to skip the line. So it's a way to kind of have a translator or decoder or something that just helps us communicate better with the people in front of us. And so when you hear it, it's just a good cue to. Okay, if I speak to that, that's going to matter to them. Right. So if I had to talk to you about something hard, I know what I'm going to lead with. Right. I'm going to lead with what's going to resonate with you and then go into what I feel. Right. But I'm not going to lead with what I feel. If you're an advocate and a thinker, because you're going to say, I just want to know, kind of like you did. I just want to know the truth. Tell me the truth first. Then we'll get into the Other stuff.
- [36:12]
A
Who do you see take the assessment? Most. Are they families? Is it, are they couples? Husband and wife? Is it people in the workplace?
- [36:21]
B
Kind of all of the above.
- [36:22]
A
Okay.
- [36:23]
B
You know, quite honestly, when I wrote all this and came up with it, I didn't know who would respond well to it. And so what I found is initially I thought couples would really be beneficial, and they were. They've gotten a lot of help from it. But I've seen a lot of teams do it too, churches. And now it's starting to be just even people who want better relationships.
- [36:41]
A
Yeah, that's so great. Okay, let's wrap this conversation with another listener question. This one's from Karen. Any advice for navigating a challenging relationship with my 12 year old daughter? Whenever I try to initiate anything with her, a hug help advice, she resists, and often very rudely. I don't have this issue with my other two kids and I feel like I'm losing her.
- [37:09]
B
Aw.
- [37:10]
A
Well, Karen, I think most parents will relate. I certainly relate to that. And you have kids.
- [37:18]
B
Yeah, Jason, I have a 12 year old daughter.
- [37:20]
A
Okay. A 12 year old daughter. So that rejection as a parent feels horrible. It really does.
- [37:29]
B
Yep.
- [37:31]
A
I, I know that I would take those things so personally. It's just the dis of, no, I don't want to hug you, like, ew, you're gross. Or why are you saying that? Or why are you chewing like that? I mean, these are the things that my kids tell me all the time and I'm like, why am I so disgust? I don't think I'm a gross person, but apparently I am, I am. But some, sometimes you can laugh about it and other times it really, it really hurts deeply. And so what advice do you have for navigating that kind of relationship?
- [38:04]
B
Yeah, I mean, I think we've kind of talked about some different approaches in so many ways, which is try to meet them, where they're at and try to do what makes it easy for them to show up. And so some of this is becoming, and I'll talk about this, becoming like a student of the people you love. And what that means is I, I watch them, I observe. What are they interested in, what lights them up, what do they want to talk about? And I'd start to kind of speak to that first. Okay. If I know their communication type, I can even use that to kind of say, I'm going to speak to that. But then the other thing is a little bit like the whale. We, we want to just pay attention because every kid Wants to be loved. You know, I. I remember being a kid, and I remember not making it easy, but what did I really want, Candace? I wanted to feel loved. Okay. Now, I probably was a little prickly and didn't help matters with that, but deep down, it's what I wanted.
- [38:55]
A
Yeah.
- [38:56]
B
And so I think if we can. If we can hang in there long enough as parents, there's still a kid who wants to be loved. They just don't always make it easy for us. And I think the challenge is maybe to not always take it so personally, even though it feels so personal.
- [39:08]
A
Yeah, I know. I. I've talked to our daughter Natasha over the years so many times, and she definitely went through a very prickly stage in her teen years towards me, I would say more than. More than her dad. And. But as she got older, because she. She wouldn't want me to hug her or touch her, and I'm just like, well, then, you know, what am I supposed to do? But then the longer you go without giving them a hug because they don't want it, I feel like the more you end up putting distance and a barrier between yourselves. And so it's this hard. It's just difficult to know how much do I push in and just go, well, I'm going to give you a hug anyway.
- [40:01]
B
Right.
- [40:02]
A
Or do I step back and let them have their space? Like, those are the hard decisions. And, you know, Natasha's married now and in her late 20s and. And she would say now that, like, she loves. She's always loved being hugged. Like, that's one of her communication styles. Like, she loves that physical touch and hugs and mean a lot to her. And I'm like, but you wouldn't let me hug.
- [40:29]
B
Hey, do you remember? And it's because I was there. Yeah. I rem.
- [40:34]
A
Like, it was a test, Mom. It was a test. I was just seeing. I really wanted the hug. But, I mean, we joke about it now and.
- [40:42]
B
Well, it's hard because kids. Kids don't always remember if it worked, but they remember if you tried.
- [40:49]
A
Yeah.
- [40:49]
B
And so we just have to remember that they're always going to remember if you tried.
- [40:53]
A
Yes, I think that. And I think that's probably the point I. I want to make is. Or that I was trying to make is that I think I at least tried to lean in more, even when they didn't want it as much as I felt I could. My husband probably pressed him even way more than me in the best of ways, and probably why he got some of those conversations out of him? Yeah, he was a little more timid and like, well, it's hard if you
- [41:21]
B
feel like you're rejected. You know, the other thing is I think it's okay to make it awkward and a little weird, you know, so when my kids have been a little bristly or resistant, you know, I'll just sort of say like, I'm going to give you a hug, even though it's weird. And they're like, okay, dad. And you know, but there's a part of them that goes, I kind of wanted that. Right. So I think it's okay to say what's going on inside, which is, I don't know what I'm supposed to do, but this is me trying. Most kids are going to go, okay, well, you're trying at least.
- [41:47]
A
Do you think that Karen could say to her 12 year old, hey, do you want to take this communication assessment?
- [41:57]
B
Why not? I mean, because at the end of the day it's something they're doing together and best case they understand each other better. Worst case, they just both did the same thing and have something to talk about.
- [42:07]
A
Yeah. Okay, cool. Well, I love this. This was so great. And next week when we come back, we're going to be talking about how to deal with conflict within all the different communication styles. So you guys aren't going to want to miss it. Come back next week. Life really is like a roller coaster sometimes, even in our most personal relationships. And the whole point of the season is to help you communicate better with your family, with your friends and your co workers. So Jason and I have a free download for you this season. It's called the Healthy Connection guide and you can get it@candice.com and I also have an app where you can become a monthly member at, ask more questions and join a podcast discussion group. We'd love to have you in there. It's called the Together community and you can join@canvas.com together. Until next time. Be grateful all day, every day. Candy Rock Entertainment. All rights reserved.
- [43:13]
B
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B
finally find your thing, you want the
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A
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B
So you use a thing called Canva to make it an even bigger and better thing. Whether you want to create flyers for that thing, make presentations for that thing, or design merch for that thing, you can do anything so people can see
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