← The Candace Cameron Bure Podcast
The Candace Cameron Bure Podcast
How Communication Changes Everything
00:38:49
How Communication Changes Everything
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- [00:00]
A
Is there a bad communication type?
- [00:02]
B
We're going to get to that one? Yeah, there's a terrible one you don't want to be. We'll talk about the worst one to be that you don't want to be.
- [00:10]
A
Hi friends. I want to share a couple of products I absolutely love and use in my everyday routine from New Ethics. The first is Courtease. I've talked about this on my podcast before. I've also shared it on socials because life gets hectic. And for me, between running an entertainment company, filming, producing, traveling, family, well, sometimes I can feel my stress levels rising. Cortease supports healthy cortisol levels and helps regulate that stress response, which makes a huge difference for me when I wake up. If I know I've got a big day ahead, I might take two capsules in the morning or I might take them in the afternoon. And on really high stress days I might take two capsules three to four times throughout the day. It helps me feel calmer, more relaxed and grounded. The other one is New Lights Electrolytes because staying hydrated is super important for everyone. New Lights comes in single serving packets so they're very convenient. I throw them in my purse and backpack so I always have them with me. I add one to my 32 ounce water bottle and sip it throughout the day. New Lights has three key ingredients, sodium, potassium and magnesium which supports hydration, muscle function and recovery. I've been shocked at how sea salt lead electrolytes have given me so much energy throughout the day and love that this formula is pretty clean. Zero sugar, zero calories, no artificial sweeteners. It's just lightly sweetened with stevia and they have some great flavors. Watermelon is my go to favorite. I also really like grape. Both of these have become staples for me. I've been taking them every day for over a year and a half. I'm gonna link them below in my show notes and make sure you use the code Candice with a capital C for a discount. That is Court Ease and New Lights from Newethics. Sometimes I see all the needs around the world and honestly I don't always know where to start. There's just so much and it can really feel overwhelming. But something I keep coming back to is this idea that we don't have to solve everything, we just have to show up where we can. For me that's meant learning more about Israel and the very real needs there right now. Elderly men and women, including Holocaust survivors, who need basic things. Food, medicine, someone to care, the International Fellowship of Christians and Jews has been doing this work for decades. And what I love about them most is how practical and trusted they are. Help actually gets to the people who need it. And honestly, it's one of those things that just feels right, like this is something I can do. If you've been looking for a way to make a real difference, come join me. Visit ifcj.orgcandice that's ifcj.org candice no matter who you are, life can feel like a roller coaster. But it's so much better when we go through it together. Welcome to the Candace Cameron Bure podcast. It's a new season and this podcast is totally about me. No, I'm kidding. It's not about me at all. I've made it for you and I'm here to share open conversations with my friends about life's challenges, celebrations, and everything in between. This podcast season starts right now, and it's with Jason Van Ruler. Jason is joining us because his whole goal in life is to help people find connection with each other. He's a licensed therapist, a coach, a speaker, and author whose most recent book, discovering your communication type is about five main ways we all communicate. Jason is a dad and lives with his wife and three kids in South Dakota. Now remember, if you're watching on YouTube, don't forget to subscribe and click below to tap the bell to be notified of new episodes. Jason, hi. Welcome to the podcast.
- [04:16]
B
Thank you so much for having me on. I've been excited about this. Good.
- [04:19]
A
Me too. I love this kind of stuff, finding your communication style. It reminds me of some other books I've read in the past and I love taking tests and, you know, helping me discover how I can communicate better and how maybe I can tell people how I can serve them better when they can communicate with me better.
- [04:43]
B
Yeah.
- [04:44]
A
Understanding the different communication styles because I
- [04:47]
B
think we all, once we kind of know about ourselves and it's easier to connect with somebody else and tell them how to connect with us.
- [04:53]
A
Yeah.
- [04:53]
B
Yeah.
- [04:54]
A
So I would love to know a little bit more about you. Tell. Tell me. Instead of just the resume, if, if 8 year old Jason was talking to us, what, what would he say or what would he see as his future?
- [05:08]
B
Yeah. Well, I mean, here's a funny story. So at age 8, I was already journaling and in my journal I wrote, I someday want to be a psychologist, live in a city, write books. Okay.
- [05:20]
A
Wow.
- [05:21]
B
And I think the reason was I already dressed like a therapist. So already I had penny loafers, I had corduroys, I had the blazer. I was. There was, was not a lot of career options.
- [05:30]
A
You were like a little Alex P. Kee.
- [05:32]
B
Yeah, it was like I was ready. So it's like there wasn't much else I was going to do, but. But eight year old me, I think, was already fascinated with kind of people and psychology and what makes people change.
- [05:42]
A
Yeah.
- [05:42]
B
And so I would just be yelling from the rooftops, hey, I did it. Here we are.
- [05:46]
A
That is so cool. I love that. So we're going to talk about five communication styles. And you developed these, you thought them through yourself. You have a whole book on it. So I'd like you to walk us and give us a broad overview of all the different communication styles.
- [06:07]
B
Yeah, yeah. So there's five different ones and they all fall under the acronym paths. And the reason for that is anytime we communicate, we're on a path to somewhere. Okay. And so I wanted it to be really easy for people to remember. What I found in working with a lot of different clients is it's really complicated. We kind of forget along the way, you know, so it's like, well, what do I say here? And it's like, well, just remember these four pages, we're kind of lost in that. So the acronym is P for peacemaker. And peacemakers care a lot about people being okay and happy and piece. Right. So they're always trying to kind of manage so that we can get to that outcome. The next one is the advocate. And the advocate cares a lot about what's right, what's fair, what's just. So that's why they're speaking to people. The T is the thinker. Right. And so the thinker is the person who's thinking through, analyzing, processing what they're saying. And they care a lot about precision and kind of speaking and saying just the right thing. Then we have the H, which is the harbor. And the harbor, they're the people who care about feelings. Right. So they're kind of people like me, therapist type people who we want to create space for other people's feelings to show up. So it's not so much about everybody has to be okay or great or even happy, but did I give you room for your feelings?
- [07:24]
A
Okay.
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B
And then the last one is spark. So the S is spark. And that's that person that comes into a room, they light the whole room up. Right. They're a ball of energy and momentum and encouragement. But they don't always like to go really deep into the feelings. They just would rather have all that energy.
- [07:40]
A
Okay. This is so great. There's one of the bestselling books out there. The Five Love Languages has been instrumental in my life in discovering how you feel loved. And how does that type of book or, like, those five things compare to your book in the communication style?
- [08:12]
B
Yeah. Yeah. I. My hope is that they're kind of similar in the sense of they make something that sometimes kind of abstract a lot more practical and easy to use.
- [08:20]
A
Okay.
- [08:21]
B
So, for instance, when I work with people, and maybe you've even said this in your marriage. I know I have. Where you say, we just can't communicate. And so I'll ask people, well, what does that mean? And they're like, well, you know, we can't communicate. Like, no, I don't really know what you're talking about. And so I think sometimes it's so abstract that it's hard to even have a shared language. And so what books like the Five Love Languages do is they're really good at taking complicated things, making them simple and memorable.
- [08:46]
A
Yeah.
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B
And that's what I aim to do with this book.
- [08:48]
A
Okay, great. I absolutely love it. Well, within this series, we're going to talk specifically about each one of these communications types in more depth, and then we're gonna talk about how we use them. Correct.
- [09:05]
B
Yeah.
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A
Okay. And in what ways? Like, give us an overview of what the listeners are gonna get over the next six weeks.
- [09:12]
B
Yeah. So we're gonna dig into each type, and so you'll probably hear yourself. You'll hear somebody else and go, yeah, that. That's so and so. Or that's me. So we'll help you kind of identify where you're at. But then what we're gonna do next is we're gonna talk about, okay, how do I use this? So one of the things that was really important to me when I wrote the book is not only just kind of helping people self identify, but what do I do in cases of conflict? Or what do I do when there's a difficult conversation with my kiddo or my parent? Or how do I navigate some of those things where maybe this gets in the way? You know, before I wrote this book, I used to think sometimes, well, I'm the best communicator ever. You know, I'm a therapist, so I've got this pretty well down. And then after writing the book and kind of talking with my team, I'm like, you know, so I'm already amazing at this. They're like, yeah, I don't know about that, Jason.
- [09:57]
A
Right?
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B
Yeah. You got some of it not all of it. So what I want to help people do is go, now that I know what I know, how do I take that and make my life and relationships better as a result?
- [10:06]
A
And is this something that when you understand the five communication styles, do you tell people what you think they are? Do you say, here's a test, go take it? How does that work?
- [10:20]
B
Yeah, I mean, the temptation for me is always to kind of guess, you know, I think you're this. But what I've learned about people and change and how they internalize information is it's always best on their terms. So. So the way that I like to approach is just to say, like, hey, maybe you want to take the assessment and see what comes up. Now, most of the time, can I kind of go, Yep, I bet I could guess yours. Sure. Right. But. But I invite people to take it.
- [10:44]
A
Okay, great. Well, let's dig into the first one today. Tell us more about the peacemaker.
- [10:50]
B
Yeah, so the peacemaker is a person who is really concerned with, are we all okay? Are we all happy? Are we all kind of pointed in the same direction? And so, I mean, as the name says, peace is really important to them. Now, what you'll hear about all the different types is oftentimes our type is based on something we really wish we had as a kid. Okay? And so what I always say to people is, we give the gift to others we needed most, okay? So if you think about, like, a peacemaker, a lot of times they're kids who grew up going, I wish there was just peace and calm here. I wish everybody could just be okay. And so what they learn how to do is to adapt to that environment and speak in a way that makes that happen. Right? So they're really good at sort of saying, like, hey, we're going to calm this down. Are you okay? Are you okay? Let's all go this way. And so that's a real skill set. That's something that really helps people. But what can kind of get in the way sometimes is the management of other people's emotions when maybe they didn't even know you were doing that. And so I've had some friends that kind of fell into that.
- [11:52]
A
Explain that a little bit more to manage emotions when you don't know when.
- [11:56]
B
When other people maybe didn't even have the same goal as you. Right. So when we talk about some of the types, you know, it's not everybody's goal to have peace all the time. And so sometimes one person's working really hard in a room Going, I'm trying to make everybody peaceful and okay. And everyone else is kind of unaware because that's not as important to them.
- [12:15]
A
I see.
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B
And so where they can kind of get off track is they don't always have the same shared goal. And we'll talk about the other types, but that, that happens with every type. Right. Is if we have one particular orientation and somebody else doesn't, we don't always value the same thing.
- [12:30]
A
Okay. And are, are any of the five. Is there a bad communication type?
- [12:37]
B
We're going to get to that one. Yeah, there's a terrible one you don't want to be. When should we do that? The last episode we'll talk about the worst one to be that you don't want to be. No, no, no. These, these are all actually wonderful strengths for us to have. And I think these are God given things. I think what's really important is just we have the awareness of who we are and how we show up and when we know that, we can kind of see it for the strength and the challenge it brings.
- [13:00]
A
Okay, great. So do you have any, like, is there, are there verses that are attached to each of the communication types? So is there a verse that is attached to peacemaker?
- [13:14]
B
Yeah, yeah. So Matthew 5, 9 talks about, blessed are the peacemakers, right, because they shall be called children of God. So as I built this whole system, what I really wanted to do is just make sure it was anchored in biblical wisdom. One of my favorite verses is, there's nothing new under the sun. And so I did not imagine that I would create anything that had already, you know, was brand new to me. But what I wanted to do is say, can we make sure this is rooted in wisdom that we already know? So the biblical version of that is that peacemakers play a really important role in the world.
- [13:46]
A
Talk about a peacemaker's strengths.
- [13:49]
B
Yeah, they're really good in a group. They're really good at helping people kind of get to where they need to go. I often think of, you know, we went on a tour with my oldest son to Washington D.C. and New York. And if you've ever been on a school tour with a bunch of kids, wow, that is, that is, that's a thing.
- [14:09]
A
It's been a while, but I did go on a few with my kids in middle school. Not to dc, but they kind of
- [14:14]
B
call it a vacation. But it's not.
- [14:16]
A
No, not for the parents.
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B
It's not just like, oh, we're gonna work and yes. And so when you think about like that when we were on that trip, there was a tour guide, and the tour guide didn't really know the kids. And so the tour guide's goal was just make sure everybody was okay, everybody was pointing in the right direction, and everybody showed up and did what they were supposed to do.
- [14:35]
A
Mm.
- [14:35]
B
Now, there's other communication types that would be more concerned with the feelings of each kid, like a harbor would be. But a peacemaker is really just concerned with like, did we all show up? Are we all on the bus? Are we all doing the tour? Do we all make it to the hotel? And so those people. That's a huge strength for everybody. Right. Because they kind of get it done.
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A
Yeah.
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B
The. The challenge sometimes with that is sometimes people maybe aren't happy getting on the bus at the same time, or they've got some feelings about things. And a peacemaker isn't always so concerned with that. It's more outcome based.
- [15:06]
A
Okay. Okay. So where are. Where could a peacemaker grow? Where. What should they focus on?
- [15:14]
B
Yeah, I mean, it's challenging, but they have to kind of focus on learning to endure some discomfort. So a lot of times the management of others is helpful to them because then they don't have to feel uncomfortable. Right. Because if you're not okay and I need you to be okay for me to be okay, I have a problem. Right. And so what they need to kind of grow in is just some emotional regulation for themselves, because otherwise they're working really hard to try to get other people to feel a certain way instead of themselves.
- [15:42]
A
I see. And how does one go about doing that? If they're identifying and saying, I'm a peacemaker, I just make sure everything's status quo, everyone's safe, in a sense, but we're moving along, it's peaceful. How do you start to make those changes to feel a little uncomfortable?
- [16:00]
B
You know, who wants to be uncomfortable? Nobody wants that. Right. So it's a little challenging. But. But the first thing that I usually tell somebody is like, can you just tell the truth about one thing that might lead to discomfort? And for a piece maker.
- [16:12]
A
And as simple as what example, I
- [16:15]
B
don't like that or no.
- [16:16]
A
So that could be hard for a peacemaker to say.
- [16:18]
B
Totally. Yeah.
- [16:19]
A
I am not a peacemaker. Let's just say that.
- [16:22]
B
Okay, you can say no, that's. You have no problem with that?
- [16:26]
A
I can. Yes. I have no problem saying no.
- [16:29]
B
Okay. They do. So for them, when I say, hey, can you show up to a relationship and say the thing that you're worried is going to create some friction. Yeah, that's a big challenge.
- [16:39]
A
That. Yes. Yeah, yeah, I, I understand that. Okay. So do you, in the book, do you have more specific tips in that way of how or are we talking about that in a later episode?
- [16:53]
B
Yeah, we'll talk a little bit more about that too.
- [16:55]
A
Okay. Okay, good. We've talked a lot on this show about having a healthy relationship with our bodies. And let me remind you, God doesn't love us anymore or any less because of the number on the scale. Yet weight loss can be a very valid goal. And sometimes it feels a whole lot harder than it should. I know how it goes. You're making better choices, you're trying to eat healthier, you're staying active, and yet the scale barely moves. And that can be incredibly discouraging. That's something PhD weight loss really understands because for many people, the issue isn't willpower at all. It's what's happening under the surface. At PhD weight loss, the focus isn't just on eating less or moving more. It's about helping your body work with you again. Their approach looks at metabolism, mindset and habits together, not in isolation. Many traditional diets solely focus on calorie counting and restriction, which can actually make weight loss much harder over time. PhD starts by helping people become metabolically flexible, training the body to use fat for fuel instead of constantly relying on sugar for energy. When that happens, energy levels stabilize, cravings quiet down, and weight loss stops feeling like a daily battle. Their meal plans are intentionally designed to support that process. They're rooted in whole, nutrient dense foods, similar to an ancestral or paleo style approach, while also using familiar, thoughtfully formulated meal replacements early on to ease the transition. That way, clients aren't shocked into change overnight. Instead, they're guided step by step towards sustainable habits their body can actually maintain. And just as importantly, PhD does not ignore the mental and emotional side of weight loss. That component has been instrumental in my health journey. They help clients understand their patterns, triggers, and relationship with food. So progress isn't driven by guilt or restriction, but by clarity and confidence. Call 864-644-1900 to book your consultation. It's free and it's personalized. For your specific goals, call 864-644-1900 or visit myphdweightloss.com and make sure that you tell them Candice sent you. I really believe our everyday choices are an important part of living out our faith. Even the practical ones we don't think about very often. That's one of the reasons I've partnered with 316 Financial. They're an online bank that gives 10% of their profits back to Faith based Ministries. And I love knowing that something as simple as where I keep my money can quietly support work that reflects what I believe. And the account itself is strong and easy to use with no monthly FEES and free ATM access nationwide. Right now, when you open a 316 financial savings account and maintain an average balance of $5,000 for 150,000 DOL 50 consecutive days, they'll add $250 to your account. You can learn more and see full offer details@bank316.com CCB and be sure to use my promo code, CCB when you open your account. Banking services are provided by 316 Financial, a division of Primis bank member FDIC. You know, people love to say higher education is outdated, irrelevant, But GCU doesn't settle for the status quo. They challenge it. Grand Canyon University is an affordable, private, nonprofit Christian university based in beautiful Phoenix, Arizona. At gcu, academically rigorous, industry driven programs are built for today's world, offering practical skills, career readiness and real opportunities for students of all ages. Because education shouldn't be a privilege, it should be an accessible path forward grounded in Christian truth. GCU is committed to raising up the next generation to lead with integrity, serve with purpose and transform their communities. This is purpose driven education. Find your purpose at Grand Canyon University, private Christian affordable nonprofit. Visit gcu.edu to learn more. So you told us about your 8 year old self, that you always wanted to be a therapist but how did that actually transpire and who you are today? What shaped your life that you made the decision to do that?
- [21:45]
B
Yeah, well, a lot of things, right. That's something that was on my heart back then. But when I think about childhood, I had a pretty idyllic childhood for really the first eight years. And then what happened is my parents divorced. And so when my parents divorced we kind of went from living this sort of wonderful suburban life to something way different and they both struggled a lot. And so what happened in that is there was now a lot of chaos and crisis and just unpredictability. And so me as kind of an 8 year old, 9 year old, 10 year old was a kid just trying to get by. And if I'm really honest, you know, my deepest longing back then was that I could have somehow figured out a way to make it different, right? I'd kind of lived knowing how good it could be and I was living in this season where it wasn't so good. And so I think a lot of my curiosity around people and change was really linked to this idea and this kind of childhood hope that maybe I could make it different.
- [22:40]
A
Okay.
- [22:41]
B
And I'm growing up today. Right. I realized that wasn't my job, but as a kid, I spent a lot of time thinking about how to do that. And so I would read a lot of books, and I was a regular at the bookmobile. I don't know if you remember those.
- [22:53]
A
Bookmobile?
- [22:55]
B
No, it's like an RV filled with books. So it's like a mobile library.
- [22:59]
A
That's cool. We didn't. I didn't have one of those growing up.
- [23:02]
B
Yeah. I was like the mayor of the bookmobile. Yeah. So they would see me and they would just say, he's gonna read all the books. And.
- [23:08]
A
Are you. Are you that kid that would have the reading contest? Did you have a lot of.
- [23:12]
B
Oh, yeah, I had a lot of pizza. Yeah, I would win a lot of pizza at the reading contest. Yeah.
- [23:17]
A
I was always amazed. I was that kid that if they gave you a month to read how many books, I was happy if I maybe read four or five. And then there were. There were. Yeah, but they were like the little. I would find the least amount of pages that I possibly could. But you were probably the kid that came in and you're like, I read 170, 75.
- [23:35]
B
I was doing it. Yeah. I was totally flexing. I was like, I've read every book in here. You know, it was great, but. But I just. I don't know. For me, it was like getting to spend time with somebody and learn from them. And so just as a young kid, I was like, man, I was really hooked on that. And even biblically speaking, like, reading the Bible and just kind of learning from that and that wisdom, that was always on my heart. And so, I mean, I think even as like a 8, 9, 10 year old kid, couldn't have probably explained a lot of theology, but I would argue, like, I felt pretty close to God in those years.
- [24:07]
A
And were you raised in a Christian
- [24:09]
B
home or kind of Ish. Ish, Yeah. I mean, there were seasons of that. It wasn't necessarily a through line my whole childhood, but there were times where
- [24:17]
A
we went, okay, and then. So today you've written this, this book and tell me about the process of that, like how you learned to be the guide to find your communication style.
- [24:33]
B
Yeah, I sort of fell into it. I mean, I think, like, every great thing with our calling is like, I didn't really Know the next step. I just kind of kept doing the next thing I needed to do. And so I had known I wanted to be a therapist, and I actually, as an adult, started a recruiting company. So I was not a therapist when I got started. This is actually a second career for me, became a therapist, and then in doing the work, just started to see some patterns over and over again. And what I noticed is that when the stakes were really high, what you said and how you communicated mattered a lot. And not everyone saying the same thing landed the same way, you know? So I have this memory of hosting a couples retreat, which. Super fun, right? So you've got, like, 50 couples, and there's a lot to manage there.
- [25:19]
A
Yes.
- [25:19]
B
And everyone's trying to have a better marriage. And so we had these scripts, and we would say, you know, if you want to read this, you can develop empathy. And so what I would watch is some couples would read the script, and. And it would work. They'd be like, oh, that was really great. Other couples would read the script, fall flat. Right. They'd be like, I don't think so. And so I thought, what is that about? You know, because they're all reading the same thing. Like, why is it not working? And so over the years, what I've noticed is it doesn't work because it's not their type. And so if it's not their type, what happens is that it doesn't feel very authentic.
- [25:53]
A
Got it. When they're saying it, not necessarily receiving it. Right, okay.
- [25:58]
B
Yeah. Because it's not really coming from where you're coming from.
- [26:02]
A
Got it. So today we're gonna talk about the peacemaker. Give us a story or an example about a peacemaker.
- [26:10]
B
Yeah. So I've got a great friend who's a peacemaker, and he's an amazing guy. Everybody loves him, gets along with him really well. But we went on this trip together, and so it was a group of guys, which is its own thing. Right. It's a little bit like a college dorm, but it was a great experience. But kind of midway through the trip, I was talking with him. I just said, hey, how's it going? You know, and so I'm. I'm a harbor. I'm really concerned with people's feelings. How are you feeling?
- [26:33]
A
Okay. Oh, I was gonna. I wanted to guess what you were, but you. You just gave it away.
- [26:37]
B
Pretend I didn't say that I'm not a harbor.
- [26:39]
A
Yes, but I should know that because you are a therapist. Okay, go ahead.
- [26:42]
B
Yes. So. So I'm Trying to talk to him about his feelings. And what he expressed was just a lot of frustration and exhaustion because he's like, hey, the whole trip, I've been trying to manage everybody, and I've been trying to keep everybody happy and doing well and doing all the things. And I remember just sort of feeling like I was this great friend who kind of tended to people, and I had no idea. You know, I was sort of shocked to hear that he'd been working overtime trying to make sure everyone got along. And so in that moment, I was kind of like, what is that about? But. But for him, what it felt like is peacemakers are really sensitive to emotional shifts and to sort of if there's tension or problems starting. And so he's like, I'm trying to avoid all of that all the time. And I said, boy, that is a lot of work. That is a lot of work. And so for him, in that moment, it felt like he'd been working so hard to keep the peace in this big group that he kind of lost himself a little bit. And so, on the one hand, what a gift, right? Because it eased a lot of tension. We'd had a perfect trip otherwise. But for him, the cost was feeling like he constantly kind of had to be working at.
- [27:46]
A
Okay, so he was giving, giving with nothing in return, which depleted him.
- [27:51]
B
Yeah. And there was peace. I mean, he was successful, but nobody really noticed that the way that he did.
- [27:56]
A
Okay, so what happened once. Once you guys had that conversation?
- [27:59]
B
We just canceled the trip. We came home, we just said, this is terrible. No, no, you didn't. No. What was really fun is that I just kind of said to him, like, what. What do you need?
- [28:09]
A
Okay.
- [28:09]
B
What do you need? If you could ask for something, what would you ask for? And what's really fascinating about a peacemaker is that that's kind of their kryptonite. Right. They're like, well, everyone else can kind of.
- [28:18]
A
Right.
- [28:18]
B
But I don't know about me. And. And so it was really cool. And growth for him was to, number one, say that he was frustrated. Right. That was a big deal. And then, number two, just say kind of what he needed to be okay. And. And so once he did that, it was actually a value add. Right. It was like this thing maybe he was afraid of, actually helped us know him better, like him more, but he had to kind of take a step out of what was comfortable.
- [28:41]
A
I see. Okay. And if you weren't a Harper and interested in his feelings.
- [28:48]
B
Right. Yes.
- [28:49]
A
Because you already are intuitive enough to know hey, there's a problem here.
- [28:55]
B
Yeah.
- [28:56]
A
I mean, it could have gone a really different way, but how would someone that isn't familiar with the communication types does it just take an emotionally available person, like a harbor personality, which we're gonna talk about later, to be intuitive enough to say, hey, something's wrong, and,
- [29:14]
B
yeah, they have to notice. And so some of what you're talking about is why I came up with this in the first place is because otherwise we don't. Right. We just don't always notice the people different than us. And so what's really hard is when we communicate, we judge ourselves by our intentions, but other people judge us by our words. And so if we don't understand the other person's intentions and where they're coming from, we can kind of dismiss it and miss the person of what it's really about.
- [29:39]
A
Yeah, that happens all the time. I feel like I learned that so much in therapy, and it's like, well, that wasn't my intention, how I said that or how that made you feel.
- [29:50]
B
That's never happened to me. No, that's never happened to me at all. That happens all the time. And with kids, am I right? Like, with our kids, I'm always like, well, this is what I really meant. This is what I was trying to say. And yeah, I'm like, so that's how you should take it.
- [30:02]
A
Right?
- [30:02]
B
Yeah, I don't know about that, dad.
- [30:04]
A
Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Okay, well, this is exciting. And we're gonna. Next week, we will keep going through one at a time what all the different types are, but we always do take a listener question on this show, so I'd love to. I mean, I have a real therapist in my presence, and I feel like we need to answer all of the questions.
- [30:28]
B
I want to answer all of them.
- [30:29]
A
We may be taking more listener questions over the next six weeks. Just because you're in the house.
- [30:34]
B
I would love that.
- [30:35]
A
Okay, well, we're actually gonna answer a few that we've already answered on the question on the show before, because we do get a lot of questions, but with different guest co hosts, we could get a different answer.
- [30:49]
B
Yeah, I like that.
- [30:50]
A
Yeah. So this question came from a woman named Bethany, and we did answer it in season three. And she said, my husband works long days, and when he comes home, he's often zoned out on his phone while I'm trying to have a conversation with him about our days. I struggle talking to him about this because when I've brought it up in the past, it never goes well, and he doesn't seem to understand. I try to be extremely intentional with my screen time and give others my full attention when they're talking to me. So it hurts my feelings and makes me feel like I'm being ignored. Do you have any tips on how to talk about the little things like this without it turning into a fight?
- [31:33]
B
Hmm. Yeah. This is a big one. I mean, if you knew how often I talk about phone usage. It's a whole thing. Like, there should have been a course in grad school about phones because we talk about it a lot.
- [31:44]
A
If we only knew.
- [31:45]
B
Yeah, but it. But it hurts. I mean, if you and I were talking right now and you were looking at your phone, I mean, I don't think I'd feel like you valued my time very much. Absolutely. That might not be what you mean, though. Right. So what I find a lot of times is it doesn't mean to them what it means to you.
- [32:00]
A
Right.
- [32:00]
B
Okay. And. And so kind of getting on the same page and even just weighing in and saying, like, here's what it means to me when you're looking at your phone is I take that to mean this, this, and this. Okay. Now, a lot of times that other person will say, well, I wouldn't have thought that. That's not what it means to me. And so that's why they're dismissing it, is because they don't see it the same way. I think the other thing just to kind of say is, like, conversations. And what I heard in that is I want to talk about the thing, but I don't want it to get to be a bigger thing. Right. And so in order to do that, and we'll talk more about conflict, but in order to do that, you got to keep it small and tell them what you want. Okay. If we don't know what we want or need, that conversation's kind of dicey because it can get big really fast.
- [32:42]
A
Got it.
- [32:43]
B
Okay. And so if it's, hey, you know, your phone's a problem, but I don't really have a solution for that, or I don't know what I want out of that, the other person. Person's going to guess, and they're probably a bad guesser.
- [32:53]
A
Right, Right.
- [32:54]
B
And so you get a lot farther just sort of saying, like, here's what that means to me. Here's the problem as I see it, and here's an option or an outcome.
- [33:02]
A
Okay. So have a solution.
- [33:04]
B
Yeah. Or at least a proposed one.
- [33:05]
A
Yeah.
- [33:05]
B
And if they don't like it, you can say hey, come up with your own. That's fine.
- [33:08]
A
Right?
- [33:09]
B
The other thing that I would say to maybe the spouse, maybe the other person's listening and. And they say, why it doesn't matter to me, Jason, I'm just on my phone. They're very sensitive about it. A line that's literally able to change your marriage is if it matters to you, it matters to me.
- [33:25]
A
Okay, I love that.
- [33:26]
B
So a lot of people go, well, doesn't matter to me. Yeah, I don't care if it doesn't matter to you, it matters to the person who's your friend, who's your teammate, who's your person. So if it matters to them now, it matters to me.
- [33:36]
A
It should matter to you. Yeah, that's so good. I'll throw in my two cents. Yeah, I'll put my therapist hat on.
- [33:43]
B
I want to hear it.
- [33:45]
A
Because I also think it's discovering how your husband or your wife works. And if they've just come home after a long day and they're zoning out on the phone. My first assumption, because I can relate to that, actually, when I'm working on set, when I'm doing a movie, when I have to, I basically, I need to take my energy and concentrate it and pare it down as fast as possible because, well, I have to use a lot of energy during the day. So my go to is to go on my phone. And so, for instance, if we're doing this podcast together and then we have a 10 minute break, I'm probably gonna sit and scroll on my phone because it's mindless. I'm not using my brain. It helps me wind down. Even though there's probably some study that tells me it's actually not making me wind down.
- [34:41]
B
There are, but we don't need to talk about that.
- [34:42]
A
We don't talk about that. But I will, I'll sit there for the 10 minutes and I really don't want to be interrupted. I just want to zone out because it actually is giving me back my resources that I'm going to need for the next couple of hours. So I think about, maybe this is like your husband's had a really long day and his go to is to zone out on his phone. And maybe there's a time on that. Maybe you go, hey, he needs 10 minutes or 15 minutes and let him zone out on his phone. But after that there's a, you know, you set up the conversation going if you need that, 10 or 15 minutes of downtime. And that's how you do it. Take it. I Won't ask you immediately to talk about our day.
- [35:28]
B
Right.
- [35:29]
A
But then you can come back and say, okay, but then after that, can you put your phone away? And then can we talk about our day? Let's talk about our day for however long. I just think sometimes it's the order in which we don't think about for our spouse or our partner at times. I also know, and I probably said this the last time, like, my husband has a cutoff time of talking about anything important at night because he gets tired and he's like, if it's past 8 o', clock, don't. Like, don't. Let's not have a conversation about anything important because I probably won't remember.
- [36:05]
B
Right.
- [36:06]
A
Because I'm tired. So ask me when I'm fresh, or let's discuss something important when I'm fresh. So I just know. Basically, seven o', clock, all important communication gets done.
- [36:16]
B
You can scroll on your phone as much as you want.
- [36:18]
A
Yes.
- [36:19]
B
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, what I love about that is it's. It's order and it's intention. And so I think whatever you're doing, just intentionally choose that and communicate it.
- [36:28]
A
Yeah.
- [36:29]
B
Sooner you come home and you say, hey, I'm gonna have a half hour on my phone and kind of recharge, and then you got my full attention. Even that's better. Right? But I think we have to just talk about that a little bit.
- [36:38]
A
Yeah, absolutely. That's why we're gonna learn how to communicate with each other better. This is so great. Well, come back next week because what are we. What are we gonna be talking about? Which profile?
- [36:50]
B
Yeah, I can't wait. We're talking about advocates and thinkers next week, so it's gonna be great.
- [36:55]
A
Advocates and thinkers. I think I might relate. Okay, everyone, we have a free, healthy connection guide for you this season. Jason has a test that you can take to discover your communication type. So you'll get access to that test along with practical tips to help you grow in your relationships. Just go to Candice.com to find the guide along with a link to ask questions for future episodes. And if you want to join a private podcast discussion group, I would love to have you in the together community. Download the app and learn how to become a monthly member@candice.com together. Until next time, be grateful all day, every day. Candy Rock Entertainment all rights reserved.
- [37:47]
B
Study and play. Come together on a Windows 11 PC
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A
and for a limited time.
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B
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A
Get the unreal college deal. Everything you need to study and play with select Windows 11 PCs. Eligible students get a year of Microsoft 365 Premium and a year of Xbox Game Pass ultimate with a custom color Xbox wireless controller. Learn more@windows.com studentoffer While supplies last ends June 30, terms at aka Ms. CollegePC
- [38:17]
B
tomorrow morning is knocking.
- [38:18]
A
Stock your fridge now.
- [38:19]
B
How about a creamy Mocha Frappuccino drink? Or a sweet vanilla smooth caramel maybe?
- [38:24]
A
Or white chocolate mocha? Whichever you choose, delicious coffee awaits. Find Starbucks Frappuccino drinks wherever you buy your groceries. Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. I don't know if you knew this, but anyone can get the same Premium Wireless for $15 a month plan that I've been enjoying. It's not just for celebrities. So do like I did and have
- [38:43]
B
one of your assistant's assistants switch you
- [38:45]
A
to Mint Mobile today. I'm told it's super easy to do@mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month required intro rate first 3 months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See full terms@mintmobile.com.