← The Candace Cameron Bure Podcast
The Candace Cameron Bure Podcast
How to Be Honest Without Losing the Relationship
00:43:37
How to Be Honest Without Losing the Relationship
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- [00:00]
A
You just gave validation to the whole reason why. I've been working since I was five years old. I grew up really fast, so thank you. I feel validation.
- [00:07]
B
Yeah, it's not your fault, it's somebody else's.
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A
I love free therapy. We've talked a lot on this show about having a healthy relationship with our bodies. And let me remind you, God doesn't love us anymore or any less because of the number on the scale. Yet weight loss can be a very valid goal, and sometimes it feels a whole lot harder than it should. I know how it goes. Goes. You're making better choices, you're trying to eat healthier, you're staying active. And yet the scale barely moves. And that can be incredibly discouraging. That's something PhD weight loss really understands because for many people, the issue isn't willpower at all, it's what's happening under the surface. At PhD weight loss, the focus isn't just on eating less or moving more. It's about helping your body work with you again. Their approach looks at metabolism, mindset and habits together, not in isolation. Many traditional diets solely focus on calorie counting and restriction, which can actually make weight loss much harder over time. PhD starts by helping people become metabolically flexible, training the body to use fat for fuel instead of constantly relying on sugar for energy. When that happens, energy levels stabilize, cravings quiet down, and weight loss stops feeling like a daily battle. Their meal plans are intentionally designed to support that process. They're rooted in whole, nutrient dense foods, similar to an ancestral or Paleo style approach, while also using familiar, thoughtfully formulated meal replacements early on to ease the transition. That way, clients aren't shocked into change overnight. Instead, they're guided step by step towards sustainable habits their body can actually maintain. And just as importantly, PhD does not ignore the mental and emotional side of weight loss. That component has been instrumental in my health journey. They help clients understand their patterns, triggers and relationship with food. So progress isn't driven by guilt or restriction, but by clarity and confidence. Call 864-644-1900 to book your consultation. It's free and it's personalized. For your specific goals, call 864-644-1900 or visit myphdweightloss.com and make sure that you tell them Candice sent you. Sometimes I see all the needs around the world and honestly I don't always know where to start. There's just so much and it can really feel overwhelming. But something I keep coming back to is this idea that we don't have to solve. Just have to show up where we can. For me, that's meant learning more about Israel and the very real needs there right now. Elderly men and women, including Holocaust survivors, who need basic things. Food, medicine, someone to care. The International Fellowship of Christians and Jews has been doing this work for decades. And what I love about them most is how practical and trusted they are. Help actually gets to the people who need it. And honestly, it's one of those things that just feels right, like this is something I can do. If you've been looking for a way to make a real difference, come join me. Visit ifcj.org candice that's ifcj.org candice. Life is like a rollercoaster, but it's better when we go through it together. Welcome to the Candace Cameron Bury Podcast. We're here to share conversations about life's challenges, celebrations, and everything in between. If you're watching on YouTube, make sure to subscribe and click below to tap the bell so you'll always know about new episodes. This season of the podcast is with licensed therapist Jason Van Ruler, and we're talking all about communication and connection. Come join us. Hi, Jason.
- [04:24]
B
Hey.
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A
Welcome back.
- [04:25]
B
Yeah, this is exciting. I'm glad to be here.
- [04:27]
A
Me, too. I love that we're talking about communication styles and types and figuring out just how to be better with one another. I think that's so important in life, not only at home, but in business. And I know that I've. I've grown so much in being able to learn about someone else's communication style as well as knowing my own and being able to talk about what can make a relationship better, whether it's working or a loving one or, you know, well, hopefully they're all loving, but you know what I mean.
- [05:01]
B
Absolutely. Yeah. But those relationships, I mean, that. That is the anchor of the relationship, is communication.
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A
Yeah.
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B
Yeah. So the better we get, the better the relationships get.
- [05:09]
A
Yes. And you wrote a book that talks about five different communication styles. And we are going to talk about two new ones this week, but we'll go over an overview. But I thought that today we would start with a listener question. And this one is from Mary, and she wants to know, how do you keep your cool with your young ones with little kids?
- [05:37]
B
Is that hard to do? Is it hard to keep your cool with little kids?
- [05:40]
A
Oh, my God.
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B
Who struggles with that?
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A
Not me.
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B
Not me either. Never. Never.
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A
Never did.
- [05:46]
B
Yeah. With three kids. That's never been something I've struggled with.
- [05:49]
A
I know.
- [05:50]
B
No, I have. Joking aside, it's a thing. Right. Is how.
- [05:54]
A
It really is a thing. I'm still traumatized by a few of my own reactions with my kids that I was like, oh, I could have handled that better. Like, they. They haunt me.
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B
Yeah.
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A
They really do.
- [06:04]
B
And they remember some things, you know?
- [06:06]
A
They sure do.
- [06:07]
B
Yeah. Yeah. We have in our family, we've had a couple nights where the kids are like, hey, remember when you said that thing? And no, I. I didn't want to remember that I said that thing. So, yeah, now I do. So you have those moments where you kind of go, man, I didn't handle it quite the way I wanted. But I think what's really hard is with little kids. So I've got three kids, and they're getting.
- [06:27]
A
What are their ages?
- [06:28]
B
Yeah, so 15, 12 and 10.
- [06:30]
A
Okay.
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B
And so we're kind of out of the little kid stage. But I remember when they were little kids just struggling so much to not be frustrated. And the reason I was frustrated a lot is I'm always trying to do big things and kind of run a hundred miles an hour. And so I would often look at them as being kind of an obstacle to running a hundred miles an hour. Right. And so on top of that, I like to communicate a lot, and they couldn't. And so you have kind of this dual thing of they can't really communicate and they slow things down. And so I just find myself frustrated a lot.
- [07:02]
A
Yep.
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B
And I remember going to this Bible study, this men's group, and I'm sharing about how my family is, and everyone's just kind of like, how's that going? And said, you know, honestly, I'm frustrated, like, all the time. I don't keep my cool. I can get angry at times. I really don't like it. It's kind of atypical for me. So what is the deal here? And I'm kind of, like, using this as a vent session. You know, what you do where you're like, I think everyone just wants to hear me vent. And. And so I kind of share all the things and look around, and I'm expecting, like, nodding heads, but there weren't. Right.
- [07:35]
A
Really? Because I'm nodding my head a lot. I relate so much.
- [07:39]
B
Yeah. Well, thank you for that. In this instance, though, it was a room full of a lot of older guys, and so I'd kind of gotten done sharing about this frustration I had. And this one guy looked at me, and he was probably about 60, and he said, you know, the thing is, Jason, he said, isn't it so Amazing. You get to teach your kids about what it looks like to be an adult.
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A
That just pierces right to the heart.
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B
Thanks a lot. Yeah. That's how I felt. I was like, it hurt. Okay. Not what I wanted to hear, but fine. But quite honestly, and I don't know if you've had these moments, but literally what he said then shifted something for me. And I left that day, and I just went, oh, I'm a teacher. This isn't like an endurance sport. I'm a teacher. And so if I'm a teacher, what am I teaching? And that helped me to not get so frustrated and angry is because I looked at them as students, and people give a lot of grace to people learning.
- [08:32]
A
Yes. That's so good. I have referenced my sister many times, and she homeschools her five kids that are now between 19 and 9 years old. But when they were all little, she had the patience of a saint. And she'd tell you that she didn't because she'd say, no, I got frustrated all the time. But really, compared to me, she had the patience of a saint. But what I admired most about her, that I didn't do well when my kids were younger, is exactly what you said. It was the teaching. It was slowing down and taking the opportunity to explain things. And I, too, was like a bullet just going through life. And I'm like, I want to get it done. I want to keep it clean. Let's like, go, go, go. And that just doesn't work.
- [09:21]
B
Yeah. Why don't you know how to do this already? I know you're four, but why don't you know how to do this?
- [09:26]
A
No, I was the mom that's like, here, let me do it for you. Because I can do it faster and more efficiently.
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B
Yeah.
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A
And my sister is the one that would say, oh, let me show you how to do it. And it's okay if we don't. I don't know if she ever had a schedule with her kids. Probably not, but I was a schedule person. But it didn't bother her if they were eating at 1 o' clock instead of 12 o' clock, because she would take.
- [09:48]
B
That's terrible. You can't do that. You can't do. See you. And I understand. You cannot. We've time boxed this. It has to be done.
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A
I know.
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B
Come on, now. You have to figure it out. But I love that she was patient.
- [10:00]
A
But it was so good. It was patient because she really took the time to learn and also not care about the little things and not Care about perfection and not care if there were toys around the house or it wasn't perfectly cleaned all the time or what, you know, whatever those things are. So I think it's a lot about giving ourselves grace, but also what. Exactly what you said. Looking at yourself as not only their parent who loves these people, but as a teacher, because we're the ones teaching them all the things they gotta learn to become an adult.
- [10:36]
B
It's true. Yeah. And one other thing I'd say on maybe a little deeper level is I think sometimes if we had to grow up fast, hard to know how to naturally do that because we're not replicating what we had.
- [10:48]
A
You just gave validation to the whole reason why. I've been working since I was five years old. I grew up really fast, so. Thank you. I feel validated.
- [10:54]
B
Yeah. It's. It's not your fault. It's somebody else's.
- [10:57]
A
I love free therapy. Okay.
- [11:00]
B
But it's true. We. If we don't have the blueprint, it's hard to know what to do.
- [11:03]
A
Yeah.
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B
And. And so we often just sort of do the thing that was done to us and. Because it's what we know. And so what I've kind of shifted to is instead of maybe doing what I got, being the parent to them, I wish I had.
- [11:15]
A
Right.
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B
And so I think back to sometimes my childhood. I go, well, what did I really want most there? Well, someone patient, you know, someone who said, let's take all the time we need. And so I try to lean into that, but it doesn't always come natural.
- [11:26]
A
If you had a few things that you wanted to make sure that your kids knew and learned, as a parent, what would they be?
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B
Yeah, I've got a list, actually, of things I want to teach my kids.
- [11:38]
A
Okay.
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B
It's a pretty long list, so I won't. I won't say all of them. It would take, well, a long time to do that.
- [11:42]
A
Give us the top 10 at least. I want to know.
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B
It's. It's things that I think are like life skills. So, I mean, there's always the, you know, people joke about, like, you want to teach your kids how to do laundry and some of those kind of practical things, but I want to teach them how to work through conflict in a relationship. I want to teach them how to ask for what they want, ask for what they need. I want to teach them how to say no. I want to teach them how to go into a room that's stressful and uncomfortable and still be okay. I want to teach Them how to stand up for their faith, even when it costs something. And so what I try to just come up with is like, what are all the things that I wish I knew? And this isn't like a put your parents down thing because they gave you the best they could, but it's like, what were the times where I went, I could have really used some instruction? Those are the things. And so my family laughs at this, but when my kids are like, we're bored. So they're like, we're so bored, dad. Like, oh, that's awesome. I got a binder for that. And I just opened the list. Like, here we go. And I just try to teach them something on the list and check it off. So I'm like, hey, before you turn 18, there's just this long list of things I want to teach you. So if we're bored, let's do it today.
- [12:46]
A
And are they practical things or is it talking to them?
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B
No, I mean, some of it's like doing stuff like, how do you maintain something? Or how do you. How do you check something out? Or how do you change a flat tire? Kind of all these things where I go, if I want them to be a successful adult, what are the things that I think they probably need to know, knowing it won't be everything, but how can I set them up for the most success?
- [13:09]
A
Okay, I have one. One more question before we get to what we're supposed to talk about today, but managing conflict within a relationship. So do you. Do you allow your kids to see you argue with your wife or. Or disagree? I'm, you know, not talking about a screaming.
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B
We've never disagreed, Candace, So, I mean, that's never happened. But of course. Of course.
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A
Perfectly in sync all the time.
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B
Yes.
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A
So how do you. What? How do you do that?
- [13:40]
B
Yeah, they have to see it. And, and so the hard part about that is if, you know, they're watching. Right. It has to be something this age appropriate. Right. I mean, if we're having a conversation about budget or finances or something that's like, kind of beyond their. Their understanding, we're not going to have that in front of them.
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A
Yes.
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B
But if there's a thing that they could listen to, we try to do it and we try to get them to see the full circle. Right. So, okay, there's some frustration, there's some back and forth. Okay. But how did we work it out? And how do we end up being friends at the end? I don't know about you, but that was not really a thing that I saw. I saw maybe some conflict, but I didn't see the friends at the end part. And that's what I want to show them is like, how do you build a bridge there?
- [14:23]
A
That's so good. Yeah, I love it. Great example. Okay, well, let's review the five communication types we talked about last week. Give us the overview again.
- [14:34]
B
Yeah. So it's the paths.
- [14:36]
A
The paths. P, A, T, H, s. Correct.
- [14:38]
B
Yes.
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A
Peacemaker.
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B
Peacemaker, Right. They want everyone to be okay, be happy, be at peace. Right. And so they kind of manage other people's emotions to make sure that that's what happens. The advocate is the A, and they're the person who. They're really interested in what's fair and just and right. Right. So they're literally kind of an advocate for themselves, for other people, for kind of saying the thing maybe not everybody else says. The thinker is your typical thinker. Right. So they're processing. They're strategic. They want to get it right. They want to be accurate, precise. The H is the harbor. And, you know, they care a lot about people's feelings and their own feelings and making space for that. And then the S is the spark and kind of like the name. They just light up a room. Lots of energy, enthusiasm. It's all about momentum for them.
- [15:25]
A
Okay, I love this. I loved hearing all five types and then guessing which one I feel like I would relate to or be based on the word itself, and then went ahead and took the assessment.
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B
Were you surprised by the results?
- [15:45]
A
I got it right.
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B
You got it?
- [15:47]
A
Okay, I got it right.
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B
It was a test. Yeah, you passed. I want to let you know. Yeah, you did a great job.
- [15:51]
A
I passed. So tell me, which. Which ones are we learning about today?
- [15:56]
B
Yes. We're learning about the advocate and the thinker.
- [15:59]
A
Okay, so tell us more about the advocate, or tell us if you have a story or an example of a person that's an advocate. Yeah, I'll stay real quiet on this one, guys, because I don't know if I relate to the advocate or not.
- [16:16]
B
Yeah, advocates are great. They're great. They're so good. In fact, favorite one. Favorite one is the advocate.
- [16:23]
A
Yes, totally.
- [16:24]
B
As it should be. No advocates. You know, they're people who are great to be loved by. That's what I would say to you, is an. Is an advocate. Loves well, and they're loyal. And so a good example of this is we took our whole family to London to watch a soccer game, and so we thought, you know, that let's go to the soccer Game the kids can experience, you know, going overseas. This is the first big trip for us. And, you know, we're from the Midwest. We kind of stick out, you know, and we're. We're learning lots of new words and doing the whole thing. And so there's a break in the game, and we go down to kind of the concession area, and as we're standing in line, there's just this huge line. We start to talk to this guy who's probably like 6 foot 5, like this really tall big guy. And. And as we're talking to him, he's. He's really nice, asking us a lot of questions, but the line is kind of moving slowly, and someone cuts, right? So they cut in front of me. And again, nice Midwestern guy. I'm not gonna say anything. We'll get there anyway, you know, it's okay. Maybe they're having a bad day. I'm making up all these feelings for them, but this guy can't let it go, right? So it's not. They didn't even cut in front of him. They cut in front of me, and he just. He cannot let it go. So we're talking, and he's kind of like, why aren't you gonna say something? And. No, I'm not gonna say. He's like, well, I really think you should. I don't want to. You know, I'm getting uncomfortable because I'm like, I don't want to say anything, right? And he's like, well, it's just not right. It's just not right. I have to say something. And so he says something to this guy, and he's this big, scary looking man, and so he's like, you got to get to the back of the line. You can't cut that. You just can't be doing stuff like that. Yeah, that's an advocate, right? The advocate's like, this is not right. It's unjust. It's unfair. I have to say something about this. And so that's.
- [18:08]
A
A lot of times guys, that's totally normal. They cut the line. It's not right for anyone. I don't like seeing people do it to other people either. It's not just about me. I would do the same thing, which I love.
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B
And again, that's why I said it's so good to be loved by people who are advocates, because they protect you, they care for you.
- [18:28]
A
Yeah, right.
- [18:29]
B
They'll. They'll say the hard thing, even if it ruffles some feathers, because it's in their mind. What's fair, just or right? And so really important. Right. This guy. I don't know if it mattered a whole lot that day, but I mean, it. It made me look at him and really appreciate him.
- [18:45]
A
Were you assessing his communication?
- [18:48]
B
I didn't have to try very hard. I was like, I'm just gonna let you do your thing. By the second time he said, like, you really have to say something. I was like, okay, yeah, you just do what you gotta do. Yeah. But I was so grateful.
- [18:59]
A
And as a harbor. Did you validate his feelings?
- [19:03]
B
We just talk about how everyone feels right now. Can we just have a little processing session? And. But it was. It was great. But that's a lot of times how the advocate works. And again, where that kind of comes from is people who are advocates, they have either personally or seen other people not be protected. Right? They've seen the bad thing happen, they've seen the wrong thing happen. And so it's really important for them to kind of give that gift to other people because they know what it's like to be vulnerable and not have someone care.
- [19:36]
A
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- [23:52]
B
So you were not surprised by the results?
- [23:55]
A
No, not at all. But tell me, how is an advocate motivation different from someone else's?
- [24:03]
B
Yeah, I mean, I think they have a deep sense of kind of right and wrong and morality and in that, what they feel like. And if we even think about, you know, kind of biblical thought process on it is it's. It's good to rebuke or correct. Right. And so what they kind of come from is better to say something than nothing at all. They don't want to be a bystander. Right. So they. They don't want to be that person kind of watching the injustice unfold, saying nothing. And so what drives a lot of their communication is, can we get to what's right, what's just, what's fair, and make sure that happens.
- [24:36]
A
And that's. There's a proverb that talks about that, correct?
- [24:40]
B
Yeah, go ahead.
- [24:42]
A
You want to say it?
- [24:43]
B
No, go for it.
- [24:44]
A
Oh, so Proverbs 27:5, better is open rebuke than hidden love. I like that. And I like that these are all rooted in scripture. That's so important to me. So thank you for that. Yeah, well done.
- [24:56]
B
Does that resonate with you? Do you go, yeah, that's kind of how I feel about it?
- [25:01]
A
Yes, yes. Truth is so important to me. I didn't honestly didn't realize this, but had a conversation, and I honestly, in talking about this, it all makes so much sense that truth is so important. I literally said those words because that person was a peacemaker first. And there, you know, with something within the communication that crossed wires. And when we went to fix it, my friend fixed it first. And to me, I needed to understand the truth behind why it happened before the fixing. So the fixing at that point didn't matter to me as much as understanding why. So I could just understand the truth. And the words out of my mouth were, the truth is most important to me. So I need that communicated first. A misunderstanding that can always be corrected and it can be fixed, but I can't have it be glossed over and fixed first without understanding the why behind it. So I just had that conversation. And then when we're talking about being an advocate and why, I'm like, oh, that makes sense. That is my communication style. That, yeah, I don't mind if there's. We all mess up every day. We all make mistakes. We all, you know, blunders, whatever, whether they're intentional, not intentional. But, yeah, I'm an advocate for truth first, which is.
- [26:45]
B
I mean, I Respect and admire that. You know, as somebody who doesn't lead with that, you say the thing I wouldn't say.
- [26:51]
A
Right.
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B
You know, and so there's something really beautiful about that is having the people who are like, yeah, I'm actually going to call attention to what we're all thinking, but I'm actually going to put words to it.
- [27:00]
A
Right.
- [27:00]
B
That's really, really important. So, I mean, you, you play a vital role. And I think me even going back to biblical stuff like that, I was pivotal in the Bible. Right. Is people saying what was true.
- [27:10]
A
Yeah.
- [27:10]
B
That had to happen for Christianity to expand and for us to be here today. And we still need that today more than ever. So I love that. And I think that advocate does a great job of kind of stepping up and saying that. What I think you just demonstrated there, which is a really good point, is when you hear it back in the way, you think it makes it. Okay. Right. So as soon as someone was like, well, here's the truth and I'm going to tell you the why, you're like, okay, fine, I can make up the rest.
- [27:39]
A
Yeah.
- [27:39]
B
Really need the rest.
- [27:40]
A
Yeah.
- [27:41]
B
But if you're an advocate and I'm trying to hit you with how I feel, we're going to have a hard time working it out.
- [27:46]
A
Right, right.
- [27:47]
B
Because you go, I just kind of want to hear it through the lens that matters most to me, which is what's true here.
- [27:52]
A
So, so then talk about the downsides of the advocate. What do I have to work on? I mean, I can tell you what I think I have to work on already because I feel like I can come across harsh. I'm always working on my tone in my voice because I don't ever want to come across as mean or irritated. I'm just very direct. And so I feel like that's off putting. That's something I personally work on. I don't know if that's part of the advocate, but I think that would be my biggest thing, is that I could come across more harsh than I'm intending just because I'm seeking truth.
- [28:31]
B
Right.
- [28:31]
A
And I'm a bottom line kind of person.
- [28:33]
B
Right. And the truth stands alone. I mean, at the end of the day, you can have feelings about it and thoughts about it, but the truth is the truth. So a lot of times where an advocate has some room for growth is around tone, or what I would call bedside manner. Okay, right. Or how they package it. So it's like, well, yeah, truth is really important, but there's a difference in packaging you know, if you ever order something from Amazon, you sort of throw it in a box, throw it at the door. You know, the box is all mangled up and you get it. And that's an Amazon thing. But then if you order something from a really nice store, even if it's the same item, how do they package it? Well, there's this nice, like tissue paper and there's a bow, and it's a whole experience. So what advocates kind of have to learn is to not do the throw the box at the door method. Right? They go, hey, it's true. You get it, that should be enough. And so what advocates have to practice is like, how do I package this in a way someone else is willing to hear it? Because otherwise, sometimes if it's just sort of delivered as only the truth, that can be really hard for people to respond to if they have feelings about that.
- [29:37]
A
Yeah, totally makes sense. And I'm trying to think of how we, how we apply that because we really. You have to stop and think about what you're gonna. I mean, everyone does, but you have to stop and think about what you're gonna say and how you're gonna deliver the message. Almost every time you're speaking a hard truth.
- [29:58]
B
Right.
- [29:59]
A
Which to an advocate doesn't always seem hard.
- [30:02]
B
Doesn't seem. You're like, this is just day to day living. Yeah, I'm just literally telling the truth is not complicated. But what we always want to think about in communication is how do I make it easy for them to receive this?
- [30:14]
A
Right.
- [30:15]
B
Because the thing is, is that truth can change people's lives. But. But if they don't hear it, it doesn't matter.
- [30:20]
A
Right.
- [30:21]
B
And so the thing we have to kind of shift to is how do I make it so that they're going to receive this truth?
- [30:26]
A
Right. Yeah. That's so good. And I will say, because we talked about peacemaker last week, and I'm understanding a peacemaker in my life. And then being an advocate, that also understanding where that person was coming from and why they chose the steps in which they did totally made sense to me. Understanding like, oh, they just, they wanted to make everything good and right right away.
- [30:51]
B
And you're like, I just want to tell the truth. Yeah, we don't need to do that. I just want to tell the truth.
- [30:55]
A
Yeah. But it really. That totally makes sense. So neither one of us was wrong in that sense. Just a different way of communicating. And then it's more helpful that I understand now that that person is a peacemaker in my Life. Oh, okay.
- [31:11]
B
Yeah. So when you talk to them, you just kind of first want to approach it from, hey, we're okay. Yeah, things are good.
- [31:17]
A
Yeah.
- [31:18]
B
And this is what we need to get to.
- [31:19]
A
Okay, great. I love that. Okay, we have another one, the Thinker. The Thinker. So give us again, an overview of a thinker and an example, if you have one.
- [31:30]
B
Yeah. So the Thinker is, you know, it's kind of that facts person. So you have the facts and the feelings. And so the harbor is the feeler. The thinker is kind of that fact person. Right.
- [31:39]
A
Okay.
- [31:39]
B
So when they're talking, they're going to go internal and they're going to process what's being said, and they're going to try to come up with smiling. I like that you're smiling. They're going to try to come up with, is what I'm about to say something that makes sense? Is it factual? Is it logical? They're going to go through that whole process inside.
- [31:57]
A
Right.
- [31:58]
B
Okay. And because the reason for them is they want to be really accurate and they want people to hear them with wisdom. And so that's what they're going to do. And so that's a gift, too, because they're going to process the thing, probably more than most, to get it just right to say it.
- [32:14]
A
Okay. So that I know this. Guys, this isn't just about me. We've established that at the start of the podcast. This podcast is for you. However, these are my two strongest communication types. So I'm going to talk about myself a little bit more because thinker was secondary for me, and I smiled because I very much relate to that. And it. Anyone that knows me well knows that I internalize a lot, especially when I'm stressed or feel under pressure in any way. So at work, I get very quiet because I am thinking about everything that I need to do, how I'm gonna process it, what I'm gonna say. And being in the business that I'm in, there's a lot of caretakers around. They're like, is she okay? Is she okay? She's so quiet. Is she okay?
- [33:11]
B
Like, I would be asking that every 10 seconds. How are you feeling? Do you feel okay right now?
- [33:15]
A
And anyone that knows me is like, just leave her alone.
- [33:17]
B
She's.
- [33:18]
A
That's. She just goes very internal and has to think over everything before she goes and does her thing. So anyway, I. I like that. I like that. What. What scripture is this the thinker rooted in?
- [33:35]
B
Yeah. So the thinker, biblically, is Proverbs. 18:13, which just talks about. To answer before listening. That is folly and shame. And if we, again, kind of connect it to some childhood stuff, a lot of times the. The thinker sort of approach comes from needing to get it right. You know, if you've ever had that moment when you were in school. I know I definitely had this where, you know, you have to stand in front of the class and you have to get the answer. Yes and no pressure, but everyone's looking at you, and you'll either get it right or wrong. That's kind of where the thinker comes from, is like, I got to get it right. Okay. So it's really important to think it through and say the exact right thing here. Okay. Because the stakes always feel kind of high. And so if the stakes feel high or they are high stakes, we go internal and we kind of go. I got to figure this out for me first before I put it out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [34:26]
A
I never want to look stupid.
- [34:27]
B
Yeah. I mean, not many people do. Right. But they. The thinker especially believes that and protects it. And so if you want to speak to someone who's a thinker and really get through to them, you got to explain the thought process, the facts, the stats, the research, because that kind of opens their ears up.
- [34:45]
A
Okay. How does a thinker need to relate better to other people?
- [34:51]
B
Yeah. They have to make some space for feelings. Right. So.
- [34:54]
A
So they kind of cut most of their feelings.
- [34:56]
B
Yeah, They're. They're. You know, everyone has feelings, so they're present, but. But that's not what they're really drawing from. What they're really drawing from is. Does. Does this make sense? Is it logical? Is it practical? And, you know, can I tell you a story about this? Yes, please. Okay. So one of my favorite things is I married an advocate thinker.
- [35:13]
A
Oh.
- [35:14]
B
So I just felt like that would be a great idea. You know, I was like, being a harbor, and. And you're talking about feelings and all that stuff, like, I should marry someone who's way different. Right.
- [35:22]
A
Okay.
- [35:23]
B
So that. It's been good for us to be in marriage therapy our whole life. So we. We just. It's. I'm giving you hard time. We. We are in therapy because I'm committed to it.
- [35:32]
A
It's like. Are you the therapist? No.
- [35:33]
B
Yeah. She never pays her bill. I bill her all the time, Candace. She never pays the bill. But what I would tell you is, early on in her marriage, it was. It was so much friction. And what would happen predictably every single time is there Be a problem. I'd lead with how I felt, she'd lead with what she thought. Okay.
- [35:52]
A
Yep.
- [35:53]
B
And. And so I would say, well, it doesn't matter what you think or what's logical because it's how I feel. And she said, well, it doesn't matter what you feel, because this is what's logical and right and accurate.
- [36:03]
A
I. I want to be best friends with your wife.
- [36:06]
B
Yeah. A lot of people do. She's pretty fantastic. So. So I don't blame you. But we would get into this spot where we would just have this cycle round and round and round. Right. And I would just say, if you could just hear how I feel or tell me how you feel, we could work through this. And she'd say, hey, if you could just stick to what's logical, what's practical, what's accurate. And so we had to learn how to navigate that. And. And when I say, you know, we struggle, we struggled for years to kind of figure that out. And what happens with couples, and we were no different, is if we don't figure that out, it can feel like we're not best friends. And. And it feels like we're not best friends because we don't really see or hear, Understand each other. And so over the years, what we've learned how to do is if there's a conflict, one of us is going to go first, and they're going to say the thing they need from the other person. So I need you to hear how I feel right now.
- [36:58]
A
Okay.
- [36:58]
B
And. And she'd say, okay, I'm. I'm going to be willing to listen to that. And she might listen to how I feel and not agree. And I've learned to go, okay, that's totally fine. I just need you to hear.
- [37:08]
A
And would she share her feelings back for you?
- [37:11]
B
As much as she could. Right. A lot of times she wouldn't have the feeling that I have about it because it's different for her.
- [37:17]
A
Yep.
- [37:18]
B
Right. But she would say, okay, here's how I feel. And then I say, okay, let's talk about what you think. She said, here's what I think. And that's where I had to really grow and go get a point there. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
- [37:30]
A
Okay. Yeah. That's so good. But you need two people willing to do the work.
- [37:37]
B
Yeah. It's willingness. I mean, a lot of people say to me, how do you make a relationship last? And I would just say, always be willing.
- [37:44]
A
Yeah.
- [37:45]
B
The minute you lose willingness, you're in trouble.
- [37:49]
A
That's so good. Okay, we're going to go to a listener question now. This is from Lucia. She writes, I have some people in my life, family members, who I can't tolerate for more than five minutes.
- [38:03]
B
Okay.
- [38:03]
A
Oh, no. I pray for God to give me grace and kindness with them, but it eats me up after being with them, and I take that bitterness with me, and I try not to hold on to it, but it's there. I will take any suggestions, strategies, or anything that'll help my mindset after dealing with these family members.
- [38:22]
B
Yeah, that's a tough one.
- [38:24]
A
That is a tough one. I think this calls for a professional therapist to answer this question. Really. I mean, it's hard when you can't tolerate people, but they're in your life because they're family members, so they're not going away. But how do you not let it eat you up and create bitterness and you turn it over in your mind over and over, and it just creates more frustration and stress.
- [38:47]
B
Right? Yeah. So a couple things. Number one, you know, Scott Peck was a great psychologist and had this quote, and he said, mental health is commitment to reality at all costs. And so I think when we approach a situation like this, we have to be honest about what reality is. Okay? So reality might be, they're my family. I'm not getting rid of them, but they're never going to be my best friend. Okay, fine, that might be reality. So then we need to set expectations that are consistent with reality. Okay? So if I can't stand them for five minutes, I'm probably not going to want to spend a whole day with them ever. Like, even under the best of circumstances, probably not going to happen. So I'm just going to think about what would it look like to spend 10 minutes with them and be, okay, okay. The next thing that I want to talk about is I think we need to learn how to set people in our life up for success. And here's what I mean is, if we do some listening and some asking of questions, we have some curiosity, we can figure out what the other person really wants to talk about, what they want to do, what lights them up, and then we want to give them a chance to do it. Okay? So, like, for instance, in my family, you know, I come from a family that is not super feeling emotional. So when I became a therapist, they were like, oh, what does that mean? You know, where do you do that? Is that like at a warehouse or something? And I was like, not really. Not really. And so I know they're never going to be Wired the way I am, but they love me, they care about me, but we're different. And so what I'm trying to figure out is where do I set the stage for them to show up? Where they knock it out of the park and they feel good. And I see it as love. Okay. And so for an example would be with some of my family. Like, they're great at, like, repairs and home remodeling and maintenance and stuff. All things I'm terrible at, by the way. No good at all. So what I'll do is if I have something that needs to be done around my house or I have a project or something, instead of calling and getting somebody else to do it, it, I call them and I just go, like, can we do this together? And the reason I do that is not because I need them to do it, but because I want to give them a place where they can show up and they can go. I feel worthy, I feel needed, I feel wanted. And I did this thing.
- [41:01]
A
Yeah, right.
- [41:02]
B
And then when you do that, you get along better. Now, now, they might still, if it's a cousin or somebody like that, might still not be your best friend. But just imagine if we all looked at our family and we just said, how do I set the stage for you to show up in the way only you can? You are bound to have a better relationship.
- [41:19]
A
Yeah, I agree. That's so great. Makes me think of my dad because I always have little projects for him to do around the house when he.
- [41:27]
B
But does he love it?
- [41:28]
A
Yeah, he loves it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he loves it. And so you make it easy and useful. And even though I could just sit in the couch. On the couch and talk to him all day long.
- [41:37]
B
Right.
- [41:37]
A
But. But that's great. Very great advice. Well, thank you for this. We're going to be back next week talking about two more types. What are they?
- [41:47]
B
Yeah, we're going to talk about the harbor and the spark. Ooh.
- [41:51]
A
Okay, guys, which one do you think you are? Come back next week. We have so much more to talk about. And remember that we have a free healthy connection guide for you this season. So go to Candice.com for a free download to ask questions for future episodes. There's also another place you can ask ask questions and join a private podcast discussion group, and it's called the Together app. Download the app and become a monthly member@candice.com together. Until next time. Be grateful all day, every day. Candy Rock Entertainment. All rights reserved.
- [42:35]
B
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A
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