← The Candace Cameron Bure Podcast
The Candace Cameron Bure Podcast
Let’s Get Practical: Conflict, Needs, and the Communication Types
00:36:46
Let’s Get Practical: Conflict, Needs, and the Communication Types
Loading summary
Transcript176 lines
- [00:00]
A
This guy probably doesn't want to give away a two hour free therapy session right now and I'm just going to lay all my problems on him. We've talked a lot on this show about having a healthy relationship with our bodies, and let me remind you, God doesn't love us anymore or any less because of the number on the scale. Yet weight loss can be a very valid goal and sometimes it feels a whole lot harder than it should. I know how it goes. You're making better choices, you're trying to eat healthier, staying active, and yet the scale barely moves and that can be incredibly discouraging. That's something PhD weight loss really understands because for many people, the issue isn't willpower at all, it's what's happening under the surface. At PhD weight loss, the focus isn't just on eating less or moving more, it's about helping your body work with you again. Their approach looks at metabolism, mindset and habits together, not in isolation. Many traditional diets solely focus on calorie counting and restriction, which can actually make weight loss much harder over time. PhD starts by helping people become metabolically flexible, training the body to use fat for fuel instead of constantly relying on sugar for energy. When that happens, energy levels stabilize, cravings quiet down and weight loss stops feeling like a daily battle. Their meal plans are intentionally designed to support that process. They're rooted in whole, nutrient dense foods, similar to an ancestral or paleo style approach, while also using familiar, thoughtfully formulated meal replacements early on to ease the transition. That way, clients aren't shocked into change overnight. Instead, they're guided step by step towards sustainable habits their body can actually maintain. And just as importantly, PhD does not ignore the mental and emotional side of weight loss. That component has been instrumental in my health journey. They help clients understand their patterns, triggers and relationship with food, so progress isn't driven by guilt or restriction, but by clarity and confidence. Call 864-644-1900 to book your consultation. It's free and it's personalized. For your specific goals, call 864-644-1900 or visit myphdweightloss.com and make sure that you tell them Candice sent you. I've had friends go through medical scares and it seems the difficult part is dealing with the medical bills. It made their situation more stressful. They felt like a number, not a person and it was all about the cost, not their care. That' I was so encouraged after my conversation with Andy Schoonover of Crowd Health. They focus on people not just costs. Like many of us, Andy was frustrated with the rising costs and confusing bills. So he created CrowdHealth, a crowdfunding membership that helps families take control of their healthcare spending with real support along the way. Instead of paying high monthly premiums, you pay a simple membership when a medical need comes up. The community helps to fund your bills and even works to lower costs. It's a more transparent, support, supportive approach without the stress. Go to joincrowdhealth.com and use the code Candice. Crowd health is not insurance. It's a better approach to healthcare that puts people and community first. Life is like a rollercoaster, but it's so much better when we go through it together. Welcome to the Candace Cameron Bure podcast. If you're here on YouTube, subscribe and click below. Tap the bell to be notified of any new episodes. This show is not about me. I made it for you. And we're in a series with therapist and communication coach Jason Van Ruler, learning about how to have stronger connection in our relationships. Come join us. Hi. I'm gonna put my phone away because I. I just see it flashing.
- [04:23]
B
I was gonna write a question just so, you know,
- [04:27]
A
you could ask yourself a question as a therapist. What question would you ask?
- [04:33]
B
Boy, that's tricky.
- [04:36]
A
What questions do you ask your therapist? Do you go to therapy as a therapist? You do?
- [04:40]
B
Yeah, I do. So I always have and always will, actually. So one of my things was I just want to be the guy that I'm telling people to be, and so that means that I got to role model it. So I still go, yeah.
- [04:54]
A
And have you had the. If this is too personal, you don't have to answer. Have you gone to the same therapist for a long time, or do you switch it up sometimes to learn a different style of just, you know, take what you learn from the other therapists?
- [05:06]
B
Yeah, I've gone to several different ones. And. And so here's what I would say, and this is what I tell my clients, is when you can guess what I'm going to tell you, it's probably time to get someone new.
- [05:17]
A
Okay.
- [05:17]
B
And. And that's. That's actually a great thing. But I think for a lot of therapists, we don't get very good at, like, launching people into the next season. And so what happens in his growth kind of gets stalled out. And so what we want to do and what I have done is kind of like when I know them well enough to go, oh, that's what they'll say. I go like, oh, okay. Well, they're a friend. That's awesome. I can always go back. I probably need to learn from someone else.
- [05:39]
A
Okay.
- [05:40]
B
Yeah.
- [05:41]
A
And what is, what's one thing that you have learned as a therapist?
- [05:45]
B
Yeah. Be careful who you tell you're a therapist. This is.
- [05:49]
A
Oh, yeah.
- [05:49]
B
This has been a thing. Yeah. And in the best way. But the minute you kind of say it, you open up a conversation. You know, I feel like it's the
- [05:56]
A
same with a pastor or our pastor talked about that last weekend. They were like, I don't tell people right away that I'm a pastor. Sometimes people just exit the conversation. Yeah, but I bet they want to talk to you and you can't get away.
- [06:09]
B
Yeah, they want to talk and. And I mean, that's sometimes a great thing because sometimes I get to say something to them that they wouldn't have gotten the chance to hear otherwise. So it is wonderful. But sometimes I've kind of learned, like on planes, in Ubers, where you're kind of a captive audience.
- [06:23]
A
Oh, yeah.
- [06:24]
B
Be a little careful with that.
- [06:26]
A
Yeah. Have you had Uber drivers just straight up, like, here are all my problems?
- [06:30]
B
Yeah. I mean, the, the time that I learned is like when you're doing the airport to the hotel, you know, and we're doing the one hour Uber ride bad to lead with. I'm a relationship therapist, you know, that's a little dangerous. So. So I've kind of learned that and, and just kind of like, how do you position that? Well. Or I did it on a flight once where someone, you know, we were getting started. It was a multi hour flight. They're just like, hey, tell me about you. And well, I'm a therapist. I'm like, I've actually been having some marriage problems and it's very hard, Candace, then to like, oh, okay. Like, oh, never mind. So I've just had to be kind of aware of that.
- [07:06]
A
I'm actually surprised, though, that people would take, I guess, listen, nothing surprises me in the world, but just that people don't have the discernment to say, this guy probably doesn't want to give away a two hour free therapy session right now, and I'm just going to lay all my problems on him.
- [07:23]
B
I feel like those people that do that, though, are the ones that need it most. Right. And so it kind of is like running out of them. And so I go, well, if I can show up, great.
- [07:32]
A
Well, that's an awesome attitude. You're listening to saying, well, God's. God's put me in. Yeah, I see God in that 2A for a reason. Because this person needed some help.
- [07:41]
B
Yeah. And I feel like I do that to God all the time in prayer, you know, I'm like, oh, God, you listen to anything I want to tell you about this, you know? And it's like, I kind of do that. So I go, how do I sometimes show up? But I'll tell you, like, on a longer flight, I'm gonna be. I'm not gonna say anything till the end.
- [07:55]
A
Yeah. I mean, listen, I'm the same way when it. Like, what do you do? And I'm like, oh, I'm just some things. Yeah. I usually just say, oh, I have kids. I'm a mom. I don't. It's. It's so awkward when people. And I don't expect people to recognize me, like, at all, but when they don't, and it's like, what do you do? And sometimes, oh, I produce television. I'll start there with producing, because then they don't assume. It feels a little separate, a little bit separate. But then sometimes they'll say, like, oh, but have you been on anything before? And then I'll say, well, yes, I'm an actress. And, oh, well, what have you been on? And it's just feels so weird. It's awkward.
- [08:36]
B
Do you have them pull up the videos while you're sitting with them, or what do you.
- [08:40]
A
I'm like, turn. Turn on the TV screen on the back of. On the seat back. I'm like, right there. That's me. Yeah, I. It's awkward. Okay. So we spent the last three weeks going through the profiles of different communication styles. And now this week, we're going to really talk about the practical application to that. And before we start, though, I do want to start with a listener question, because I think it really leads into what we'll be talking about today. So this is written anonymously. What advice do you have to deal with? Longtime family dramas. There are conflicts from many, many years ago, like 20 years ago. And also more current, where one person was very judgmental and very offensive toward another on their choices for who they were choosing to marry and start a family with. And it's difficult to maintain relationships, especially when some family members are elderly, and it's very hurtful. So there's kind of a lot in that question. You might. We might have to break it down a little bit, but I know that you can offer a lot of good advice here. And we're not on an airplane, but you're gonna.
- [09:56]
B
I'm gonna answer anyway.
- [09:57]
A
You're Gonna answer any answer anyway, so where do we. Where do we start with this question?
- [10:01]
B
Well, first, I mean, I would just normalize. This happens a lot, and it is really, really hard. And it's hard because sometimes, I mean, that's why communication's so important. Sometimes the stuff we say, like, sticks with us for years when people remember that. And so oftentimes, when we have that kind of family drama or conflict that's unresolved, it's because we haven't talked. And so a couple of things can come into play that really solidify that, which is distance, lack of communication, lack of understanding, lack of willingness. And so the question I would have is, what do you need to fix it? That's it. So what a lot of people get stuck on is just defining and detailing the problem, you know, so they say, yeah, but this is the problem, and they just kind of circle that. And I go, okay, we know that now, but what do you need to fix it? And if you don't know what you need to fix it, you're not quite ready to work it out.
- [10:55]
A
Okay, okay.
- [10:55]
B
Because when you know what you need to fix it, it makes it easier to have that conversation. Right. If I said to you, hey, you know, you really hurt me, and all I need from you is an apology, well, you can do it or not do it.
- [11:05]
A
Yeah.
- [11:06]
B
But if I just say, hey, you really hurt me, period, like, what does a person do with that?
- [11:10]
A
Right. But what about when you do have elderly people in the family that they don't really want to fix it, they just want to spend their time complaining about it because that's how they use their time in the day, and they just keep talking about the problems and the problems, and it. How long do you sit there and continue to listen year after year, when they're not willing to actually talk it through and come to a resolve or be able to move on from it?
- [11:39]
B
Yeah, yeah. And that's really hard. Yeah, yeah. I just. I just state what's happening. So one of the things, again, is if we don't communicate, then the problem kind of lives in secrecy. And so what I would say if I was in that situation is, you know, I hear what you're saying. I see it differently, or it's hurtful when I hear that, and I don't want to be around if you're to talk that way. And so what we do a lot of times is people put down a boundary, but it's sort of a punishment. You know, it's like, I'm going to do this, and then I'm out. What I try to teach people is have a boundary and an invitation. So I want to be around you. I just. I'm not going to do that thing with you. So if you want me to be around you, you just have to not do that thing. That's up to you. But I want that relationship. Because when you invite someone into relationship, then it makes it easier to go, well, okay, fine. Right. Also, you can allow them to disagree. You can say, like, hey, this isn't about if you agree or not. It's just about some simple boundaries. About, we talk about, we don't have to be the same person.
- [12:37]
A
Got it? What happens when people feel like their needs aren't being met within a relationship?
- [12:46]
B
You have to know what you need. So is that something you know? Is it clearly defined? And have you stated that to the other person? And if they won't meet that need, do you know why they won't? Have they verbalized that? Now, if someone says, hey, I can't meet that need, but I want to, I just need to get better at it. We'll work with them. If a person is not willing, though, then that leads to having to make a decision about the relationship.
- [13:10]
A
Got it? Yeah. That's. That's why I keep. I said, it always takes two willing people. And it's so hard when one of the people is not willing and it's not important to them.
- [13:22]
B
It hurts. And it's. You know what I would say, because a lot of people will ask me a version of that question in a marriage, right. They say, I want healing, I want progress, I want to move forward, but they're unwilling. And I think, you know, a couple things. One of the things is that there's going to be seasons in a relationship where you have to live with it not being how you want it, where we have to be patient. So we can't always expect to get what we want immediately or get what we need. But we do have to see if the other person's willing, and if they're not willing, that's a really difficult thing to deal with.
- [13:56]
A
And how do we understand the difference between what we want and what we need? Because those are two very different things.
- [14:06]
B
Yeah. And if we don't know what we need, we settle for what we want. And then we're always disappointed. Right. So some of the most unhappy people I know have everything they want. They have nothing that they need. And so we got to get really clear on what the need is, because otherwise the wants are so distracting. And we're invited into this world that's not really ours. And so it's just kind of a process of self discovery of like, what are the things that actually make you who you are and make you function the best way that you could or make you show up the best way. And unfortunately, some people have only ever been given what they want. They just. They don't have what they need. And so I think for me, a big part of my growth journey was like, learning what I wanted and what I needed. And they were two very different things.
- [14:50]
A
Yeah.
- [14:51]
B
And. And the need were harder. Right. So there's like. Well, what I really need is, like, honesty in relationship. I need accountability. I need someone who's there even when it's difficult. What I want is everything. Right.
- [15:03]
A
Right.
- [15:04]
B
And. And I'm great at getting some of that, but I'm. I struggle a lot over here.
- [15:08]
A
Yeah.
- [15:09]
B
Yeah.
- [15:09]
A
And how do you. If you are the more emotionally available person in the relationship, how do you help? Aside from going to therapy. But how can you help nudge that person into helping them verbalize what they need or what they want?
- [15:30]
B
Yeah, yeah, It's. It's tough because if you kind of spearhead that, they're going to be a little resistant. Right. So what I tell people is get a book, do a course, go to a retreat. So get to a place where you can both kind of together. Go stupid. But. And then they say the thing. Because if it's just on me, then it feels really personal if you reject it. But if we're doing a devotional, for instance, or we're doing like, emotionally healthy spirituality, that book. Or, you know, Bob Goss got a new devotional lottery. If we're doing something like that.
- [15:59]
A
Yeah.
- [15:59]
B
That we share together, we can kind of both say, oh, it's that book that we're having to do. And it makes it a little safer than the other person leading it.
- [16:08]
A
Oh, that's great advice. What are some other books that you do recommend? Because I'm sure everyone listening is asking that.
- [16:15]
B
Yeah. I mean, so I love, like Bob Goff's Devotionals. Bob's great. Pete Scazzero has emotionally healthy relationships spirituality. Those are good books. There's some, I think, just good therapy books like Semin Principles that. For Making Marriage Work by the Gottmans. There's a lot of those books. But here's what I'm gonna tell you. The secret is, doesn't matter what the book is, and sometimes the worse the book is, the better. And I'll tell you why. Because if the book really doesn't fit you, it sparks a conversation between the two of you about what doesn't work.
- [16:49]
A
That makes so much sense. That's so great.
- [16:52]
B
Yeah, so buy a bad book that
- [16:55]
A
actually takes off stress and pressure of trying to find the right book. You really just want something that's gonna spark conversations.
- [17:02]
B
Yeah. Cause that emotional piece is share so we have the shared experience. Even if the book is terrible, you can. It's like, hey, remember that time we did that goofy book and it said to do this? It didn't work. It's a thing that sparks conversation.
- [17:16]
A
You know, people love to say higher education is outdated, irrelevant. But GCU doesn't settle for the status quo. They challenge it. Grand Canyon University is an affordable, private, nonprofit Christian university based in beautiful Phoenix, Arizona. At gcu, academically rigorous, industry driven programs are built for today's world, offering practical skills, career readiness and real opportunities for students of all ages. Because education shouldn't be a privilege, it should be an accessible path forward grounded in Christian truth. GCU is committed to raising up the next generation to lead with integrity, serve with purpose, and transform their communities. This is purpose driven education. Find your purpose at Grand Canyon University, private Christian, affordable nonprofit. Visit gcu Edu to learn more. I really believe our everyday choices are an important part of living out our faith. Even the practical ones we don't think about very often. That's one of the reasons I've partnered with 316 Financial. They're an online bank that gives 10% of their profits back to faith based ministries and I love knowing that something as simple as where I keep my money can quietly support work that reflects what I believe. And the account itself is strong and easy to use with no monthly Feees and free ATM access nationwide. Right now, when you open a 316 financial savings account and maintain an average balance of $5,000 for 150 consecutive days, they'll add $250 to your account. You can learn more and see full offer details@bank316.com CCB and be sure to use my promo code, CCB when you open your account. Banking services are provided by 316 Financial, a division of Primis bank member FDIC. Sometimes I see all the needs around the world and honestly I don't always know where to start. There's just so much and it can really feel overwhelming. But something I keep coming back to is this idea that we don't have to solve everything, we just have to show up where we can. For me that's meant learning more about Israel and the very real needs there right now. Elderly men and women, including Holocaust survivors, who need basic things. Food, medicine, someone to care. The International Fellowship of Christians and Jews has been doing this work for decades. And what I love about them most is how practical and trusted they are. Help actually gets to the people who need it. And honestly, it's one of those things that just feels right, like, this is something I can do. If you've been looking for a way to make a real difference, come join me. Visit ifcj.orgcandace that's ifcj.org candace okay, so let's talk about how each type, each path type deals with conflict. So let's break it down and start with peacemaker.
- [20:35]
B
They struggle with conflict.
- [20:37]
A
Okay.
- [20:37]
B
Yeah, yeah. So that doesn't feel like a safe place to go. Right. Because that would upend peace. So there's conflict that. I mean, somebody's not happy, someone's not getting along. So then there's this big problem. And so that's the struggle. Now, how we kind of work through that is to say we. We need to reassure them the relationship's intact. So we're gonna still be friends, but we're having some conflict, even starting with just that little bit of like, hey, we're gonna get it to the place you want it to be, but we have to do this first.
- [21:07]
A
Right.
- [21:07]
B
That's really important.
- [21:08]
A
But reassuring them up front. Yep, we're okay. Yeah, it's gonna be fine, but we gotta work through it.
- [21:13]
B
Yeah, Go talk about it.
- [21:14]
A
Okay, good. How about the advocate? Advocates?
- [21:18]
B
Yeah. I mean, so the problem with the advocate is they're not afraid of conflict. Right, Right. So they're like, I'm ready for this. You know, it's. I remember I used to go to this Muay Thai gym and. And we would kind of spar and practice. And so I'd bring my little gym bag, you know, and, like, take the tags off everything, and they're like, you're gonna spar against this guy? And this guy's got, like, tattoos of Muay Thai, and he's like, I've been waiting my whole life for this moment. I'm like, oh, man, you're so good at this. I don't know what I'm doing here. So the thing with advocates is for them just to acknowledge, like, even though you're good at it, other people might not be. And so how do I soften it up so that they can actually get something from it instead of only seeing that they Lost.
- [21:58]
A
Right.
- [21:59]
B
Because always, sometimes we risk the relationship for the win.
- [22:02]
A
Got it. I'm never gonna forget your Amazon box analogy, though. That to me, was package it nicely. Package it nicely. It's not just the Amazon box thrown on the front door. It's got great packaging and tissue paper and a ribbon.
- [22:17]
B
And they're like, okay, well, fine, yeah, yeah, maybe I didn't like what was in it, but you sure package it nicely. And so that matters to me.
- [22:25]
A
Yes. Okay, I like that. Thinkers.
- [22:28]
B
Yeah.
- [22:28]
A
How do they engage in conflict?
- [22:31]
B
So they. They're prepared. Right. When I was.
- [22:34]
A
Do they have ammunition? Like, they've got a bullet list of, like, this is.
- [22:38]
B
Yeah, they. They're keeping track, keeping score a lot of times. And so when I first became a therapist, I did a lot of work with the legal system and had a mentor. And I said, you know, I'm gonna have to go to court on this stuff, and that's really scary for me to go to court, you know? And I said, so what do you. What do you do? Like, what are your recommendations for how you go to court? And they. So you come in and you. You roll in with, like, three boxes of evidence, and it kind of makes everybody take notice and be a little worried. Okay, well, that's what thinkers do. Right. So, okay, we're gonna have some conflict. They go, okay, I got my little trolley of evidence here. And yeah. And so the thing is, for a thinker, you know, it's important to them to get it right. But it. But again, it's kind of like we have to consider the other side, which. The other side is what are the feelings? What's. What's the context that kind of factors into this? Because otherwise we have just this very kind of educational, theoretical, like, these are the facts. This is how it is.
- [23:32]
A
Right.
- [23:32]
B
And. And you lose people.
- [23:34]
A
Right. You're not considering any of the emotional things that have come into play as to why those things happen.
- [23:41]
B
Right. And it makes you formidable. And I mean, in a business place, like, it was great to be a thinker, you know, because. Because you're ready.
- [23:48]
A
Yeah.
- [23:49]
B
But at the same time, if it's your spouse, how does that help you?
- [23:54]
A
Right. Okay. And this in the harbor.
- [23:58]
B
Yeah, the harbor is a lot of talking about how people feel without maybe getting to the conflict. Right. So it's just kind of accommodation.
- [24:06]
A
Oh, okay.
- [24:07]
B
Right. So, okay, we have some conflict, and they just entertain a lot of those feelings instead of maybe saying, I'm not sure about that, or I actually don't know if that adds up. Or we actually disagree because they're so just interested in making that space.
- [24:23]
A
Right.
- [24:23]
B
Without judgment. Right. So to have conflict is to say that we both have differing perspectives. And so for a harbor, that's really hard to say. Oh, actually, you know what? I hear your feelings. I've got different feelings.
- [24:37]
A
Okay. Okay. I'm really just thinking about all of this and the people in my own life and trying. I don't know why the harbor trips me up just a little bit, but I understand that the harbor's all about feelings and making space for others to have feelings.
- [24:59]
B
Yeah. The harbor's not afraid of the conflict. If anything, they lean in a little too much and make a little too much room for it.
- [25:05]
A
It got it.
- [25:07]
B
Right. So whereas the peacemaker, sort of like,
- [25:09]
A
we need to now move on.
- [25:10]
B
Can we make this take three minutes or less?
- [25:12]
A
Okay.
- [25:13]
B
The harbor's like, this could take two days.
- [25:15]
A
Got it.
- [25:16]
B
And I'm totally okay with it because
- [25:17]
A
they don't move into facts or truth or.
- [25:20]
B
It's just.
- [25:20]
A
Let's tell me about it. Let's just keep talking about it.
- [25:22]
B
Okay.
- [25:23]
A
And the spark. Yeah, spark has a harder time with feelings.
- [25:28]
B
They're a little tough to catch on. The conflict. Yeah, it's difficult. And then if. If you kind of get caught up in conflict with the spark, sometimes there can be a lot of intensity there that surprises people because they have intensity in every other way.
- [25:43]
A
Oh, right.
- [25:44]
B
So if you think about a spark that's kind of running really fast, lots of energy, enthusiasm, encouragement, like, all that stuff, there's all these other feelings kind of back there. And so every once in a while, if they get embroiled in a conflict, kind of bumps into that, and it blows up. And some people say, I don't know what happened. But then there was conflict with the spark, and there was a lot of intensity. More than I would have guessed literal sparks were flying. And it's like. Well, because they haven't maybe talked much about that part yet.
- [26:12]
A
Okay. So when we're strong in our natural approach to communication, how do we find new ways to grow?
- [26:25]
B
Yeah, well, we find different people to be around, you know, so one of the kind of temptations that we have is, okay, well, you get me, so I'll just be around people who get me. And I love that. I don't think it's a bad thing, but I think if that's our only thing, we kind of live in isolation.
- [26:40]
A
Okay. Because I made the majority of my family do the test, and except my youngest, who didn't do it. But we're all such strong advocates. My one son, he. His first is actually a thinker, but the secondary, I think, but we were all so high and I'm like, but that's why we all.
- [27:04]
B
We do okay. That's why we do okay.
- [27:07]
A
Yeah.
- [27:08]
B
But it's. How do I get around people who are different.
- [27:10]
A
Yes.
- [27:11]
B
Entertain that and recognize I don't have to be, you know, as into it as they are, but I have to be able to kind of accommodate some of them.
- [27:18]
A
That. Yeah.
- [27:19]
B
Where I, where I see it become really problematic, especially organizationally, is people will hire for same. And then what happens is we have a whole team that's. That's really heavy on one thing.
- [27:30]
A
Right.
- [27:31]
B
The rest. And it actually works against them.
- [27:33]
A
Yeah, it does. That's why we've done some of those tests within the team to make sure we're filling in where weaknesses are, that we're hiring people that fill in my weaknesses and such. Yeah.
- [27:46]
B
That's just a good team. That's being a good leader.
- [27:49]
A
Yeah. Can you talk about responsibility over reactivity?
- [27:55]
B
Yeah. A lot of people are really reactive with conflict. Right. There's not a lot of intention. It's sort of like we're just kind of going along and something happens, then it explodes. And so what we want to do is have the more responsible decision, which is to say, I'm going to be a little more thoughtful and intentional about how this is going to work and what's even going to determine a conflict.
- [28:16]
A
Okay. This is so good. And it's all, it's so practical. And I'm sure all of you guys listening are just thinking about your own personal lives and how you handle conflict and how you would like to handle conflict and the people around you. So I hope that this is just these conversations are getting your mind working and, you know, thinking how you can better communicate with others around you and help your relationships grow better. I think we should take a listener question now.
- [28:47]
B
Let's do it.
- [28:48]
A
And this is from an anonymous mom who said, how do I help my first grade son who keeps coming home saying his friends are excluding him and saying, we don't want to be your friend. I have some emotional trauma with friends of my own and I am trying not to involve my emotions.
- [29:09]
B
That's hard.
- [29:10]
A
I know.
- [29:11]
B
Yeah, yeah.
- [29:12]
A
Anything. When it comes to your kids, too. And your kids, like, my kids are cool.
- [29:16]
B
How could you not like them? They're so cool. Do you not know them at all? I know, but it happens.
- [29:21]
A
Yeah.
- [29:22]
B
Yeah. And so I Think when it happens, I mean, a few things just it happens kind of to everybody. Right. So, I mean, that's not to minimize it, but it's to say, at some point in your life, you're going to have an experience like that maybe as a kid, as an adult, you're going to find yourself in the room that's maybe the wrong room.
- [29:38]
A
Yeah.
- [29:38]
B
And so normalizing that for a kiddo is really important is just to say, like, there's lots of rooms you'll be in in your life, and some are going to be your room and others aren't, and you might not be in your room yet. Right. So that helps them. The other thing is just where do they get their worth and confidence?
- [29:55]
A
Yeah. Actually, there's another question from a mom named Kelly who. Who asked the question, how do I instill confidence in my kids?
- [30:02]
B
Yeah. Yeah. So when we have confidence, we handle those situations differently. I mean, they definitely still hurt. Being rejected never feels good.
- [30:09]
A
Yeah.
- [30:09]
B
But if we're confident in who we are and what we stand for, it makes it easier because when we meet someone who doesn't stand for the same things, then we just know they're not our people. Where kids get in a lot of trouble is they try to become the other person so they fit in. Anybody who's ever done that, myself included. Right. We go, well, if I just. Then. Yeah. And. And so the more confident move that I like to encourage families to do is, like, have a mission statement. Right. Know what the family stands for. So as a family, this is kind of why we exist. This is what our goal.
- [30:41]
A
You guys have it up on a. Yeah.
- [30:45]
B
We stopped short of, like, the wood. The wood etching or something. Right. But I mean, it's something we've talked about, and something has changed over the years, but we want to give the kids an identity in our family.
- [30:55]
A
Yeah.
- [30:55]
B
And if we're faith people, an identity in our family and in our faith.
- [30:59]
A
Right.
- [31:00]
B
And so what they can do is they can kind of go to school. Then they go, well, this is who we are. You know, what really matters to my family is, you know, we're reaching people and we're making an impact for the kingdom and all we do every day. And so if I know that's my job, that makes those things easier. Right. Because I go, at the end of the day, this is what it's actually about. And so if a kiddo's struggling, give them an identity in the family and watch that shift.
- [31:26]
A
That's so good. We did have one of those Posters on our wall for many, many years. I don't know what happened to it. And all the moves that we've had over the years, but I loved having that.
- [31:38]
B
Yeah.
- [31:38]
A
And the family statement of identity. That's so good. Well, I. Oh, I am. Yeah. I feel for. For moms.
- [31:49]
B
Yeah.
- [31:49]
A
And the kids. It just hurts as a parent.
- [31:52]
B
But, yeah, as a dad, I'm just like, who. Who do you need me to beat up? I can beat someone up. I can. What do you need me to. I can talk it out with them. You know, they need therapy and.
- [32:01]
A
Yeah.
- [32:02]
B
But, I mean, at the end of the day, not everyone's going to be your person.
- [32:04]
A
Yeah.
- [32:05]
B
And so although I hate it for our kids, they go through it. It's also something that I would say is a pretty big life lesson, which is not everybody's going to be your person.
- [32:14]
A
Right.
- [32:14]
B
And the sooner we learn that, actually, the easier the world becomes.
- [32:18]
A
Yeah.
- [32:18]
B
Where we struggle is when we try to make every person our person.
- [32:22]
A
Right.
- [32:22]
B
And that actually hurts more in the long term.
- [32:24]
A
Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Well, let's take another listener question. Hi, Candice. My name is Blythe, and I'm a teenage girl dealing with a lot of anxiety. How do I not get stressed out so easily? And what are some ways I can deal with it? I try to talk to God, and I know he's in control, but sometimes it's hard to shut it down. I get it. I mean, we all deal with worry and anxiety. And I. I actually thought, I. I mean, by nature that I wasn't a very anxious person. And then I had a guest on a few seasons ago, Ruth chose Simons. And I was like, oh, I spin my thoughts a whole lot more than I realized. It just doesn't.
- [33:06]
B
Yeah. It was like, where I'm like, I know myself pretty well.
- [33:10]
A
Maybe not. I was like. Because I'm not. I don't give off anxious or worry as much, but my mind never stops thinking about it. So, anyway, what would you say to Blythe about her anxiety and how she can help ease that stress?
- [33:25]
B
Yeah. And I mean, this is a thing you see a lot in teenage years, and I think you see a lot of it because teenagers don't really have a lot of control over their environment. And so their job is just to fit in and make it work. And so that's scary. You know, it gives us worry and anxiety. And I also just understand because my. One of my favorite hobbies. You haven't asked. My hobbies are. But overthinking is one of my favorite hobbies. So I really, I love a good overthinking and worry session. So I totally get it. I think going to God about it is great. What I would say for a lot of people, though, is we go to God and then we rehash the anxiety over and over again. Okay. And so the more we talk about the anxiety, the more we talk about the anxiety, right? So it's kind of that whole thing of, like I said, hey, whatever you do, don't look at the black mug in the room. You're gonna think about it, right? Or look at it or. And so sometimes we do that with prayer, unfortunately, as we say, I don't want to think about this anymore. And then we just keep repeating it. And so what I would say is like, once you've kind of noted what the anxiety is about, then, then it's done, right? So you just say, I'm feeling anxious. And then what do I do with that energy that redirects it? Okay? That's energy. So we could take that. We could invest in a hobby. We could go get some physical activity. We could meditate. How do I use that to do something healthy?
- [34:44]
A
Okay.
- [34:44]
B
Instead of just getting stuck in what the problem is?
- [34:47]
A
Okay. Yeah, that's. That's really good. Wonderful. Okay, well, there we go, guys. That's it. Make sure you come back next time next week. And don't forget that our free gift for you this season is designed to help you become a better communicator. The healthy connection guide is available@candice.com where you can always ask questions for future episodes. If you want to talk about what we shared on the show today, you can get my app and join the together community. Just go to Candice.com together for details about how to become a monthly member. Until next time. Time. Thank you, Jason, by the way.
- [35:26]
B
Thank you.
- [35:27]
A
Until next time. Be grateful all day every day. Candy rock Entertainment. All rights reserved.
- [35:42]
C
Make every get together chill this Memorial day. Get up to an extra thousand dollars off select top brand appliances like lg. Plus get free delivery at the home depot. Tackle pool towels and camp laundry with a large capacity washer and host in style with the fridge serving craft ice, mini craft ice, cubed ice and crushed ice. Shop appliance Savings now through June 3rd at the Home Depot offer valid May 14th through June 3rd US only. Free delivery on appliance purchases of $998 or more. See store online for details.
- [36:13]
A
Tomorrow morning is knocking. Stock your fridge now. How about a creamy mocha frappuccino drink or a sweet vanilla smooth caramel maybe? Or white chocolate mocha. Whichever you choose, delicious coffee awaits. Find Starbucks Frappuccino drinks wherever you buy your groceries.
- [36:29]
D
Who cares about your poops? Ollie does. That's why Ollie's science backed Gut Health lineup helps support your family's regularity, from daily probiotics to fiber gummies your kiddos will love. Find it all on ollie.com that's o l l y.com these statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.