101 - The Past Times with Kylie Brakeman

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds

Episode 101: The Past Times with Kylie Brakeman
Release Date: November 27, 2024
Guest: Kylie Brakeman
Host: Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds
Production: All Things Comedy

---

1. Introduction to the Episode

In Episode 101 of The Dollop, hosts Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds are joined by special guest Kylie Brakeman. The trio delves into the quirky and often bewildering contents of an old newspaper, the Berniceville News from Burnetsville, Indiana, dated March 7, 1929. The episode promises a humorous examination of historical oddities, enhanced by the dynamic interactions between the hosts and their guest.

---

2. Guest Introduction and Banter

Kylie Brakeman introduces herself as a dedicated fan of the podcast, despite humorously admitting to listening on a road trip—a confession that sparks playful teasing from Gareth Reynolds. At [01:34], Kylie says:

Kylie Brakeman (01:34): "I have listened to the podcast that I'm currently on and... I enjoy the podcast."

Gareth responds with mock disdain:

Gareth Reynolds (02:02): "It's cringe."

This lighthearted exchange sets the tone for the episode, blending genuine appreciation with comedic ribbing.

---

3. Exploring the Berniceville News

a. Sanitation and Conditions in China

The hosts dissect an article titled "Every Disease Found in China," critiquing its propagandistic portrayal of China’s sanitary conditions. Dave Anthony highlights the exaggerated claims made by a U.S. Public Health Service official:

Dave Anthony (08:15): "Political and economic situation affects the people's health more than any of the diseases."

Gareth mocks the journalist's perspective:

Gareth Reynolds (08:32): "It's just a guy who's just like. It's disgusting."

b. "From My Window" Column

A recurring column titled "From My Window" is analyzed, featuring Marianne's mundane observations. The guests find the content absurdly trivial, such as:

Gareth Reynolds (12:02): "She just thought Valium and vodka. And she's like, this is driving to school again."

Kylie humorously speculates on Marianne’s mental state:

Kylie Brakeman (12:38): "I think she's on the best cocktail of housewife drugs imaginable."

c. Mechanical Man to Light Airports

One of the standout stories involves Mr. Televox’s invention of a "mechanical man" designed to light airports during landings. The hosts ridicule the implausibility of the invention:

Dave Anthony (28:53): "It's a cardboard robot guy with the control panel, cardboard cutout, R2D2 with no stomach."

Gareth vents his frustration:

Gareth Reynolds (35:48): "Why do you hate science?"

d. Early Robot Innovations

The newspaper's coverage of early robotics, including Carl Kipp's play and Makoto Nishumi Nishimura's robot Gatakinsuku, is met with skepticism and mockery. Dave presents the information, while Gareth and Kylie express disbelief:

Dave Anthony (50:14): "He toured the world delivering speeches in multiple languages."

Gareth Reynolds (51:19): "This is insane. How did this get into the paper?"

e. Other Odd Stories: Dog Grooming Racism and Poultry Men

Additional bizarre articles, such as a racially discriminatory dog grooming parlor and the controversial rearing of baby chicks without sunlight, are dissected:

Gareth Reynolds (57:19): "They're drinking from... We've let dogs into our homes. We gotta find a way to make it racist now."

Kylie reflects on the absurdity:

Kylie Brakeman (59:25): "Why do they do it?"

---

4. Hosts' Reactions and Comedic Commentary

Throughout the episode, Dave, Gareth, and Kylie engage in sharp-witted banter, emphasizing the nonsensical nature of the 1929 newspaper's content. Their interactions are peppered with humorous observations and exclamations, such as:

Gareth Reynolds (43:40): "This is just insane. How did this get into the paper?"

Kylie Brakeman (49:36): "We got him, too."

The trio continuously highlights the disparity between the newspaper's reporting and modern sensibilities, using sarcasm and satire to underscore their critiques.

---

5. Guest Insights and Performances

Kylie Brakeman brings her comedic flair to the discussion, contributing to the hosts' humor with her interpretations and playful jabs. She also promotes her own work, including her Edinburgh Fringe show "Linda Hollywood's Big Night" and her podcast "Artists on Artists." Her presence adds a fresh dynamic to the episode, bridging historical analysis with contemporary comedy.

---

6. Conclusion and Reflections

As the episode wraps up, the hosts reflect on the ludicrous nature of the Berniceville News, expressing a mix of amusement and disbelief at the newspaper's documented stories. Dave summarizes the adventure:

Dave Anthony (61:29): "We learned a lot about the future on this episode."

Gareth and Kylie agree, acknowledging the newspaper as one of the most baffling they've ever analyzed:

Gareth Reynolds (61:35): "This paper was so stupid. Just so fully dumb."

Kylie expresses a newfound interest in following Marianne's columns:

Kylie Brakeman (62:28): "I actually, I really desperately want to follow Marianne's columns now."

---

7. Closing Remarks

The episode concludes with a humorous nod to the possible continuation of Marianne's eccentric observations and the hosts teasing a potential future focus on her columns. Kylie is thanked for her participation, and the hosts promote each other's projects, maintaining the episode’s comedic and engaging atmosphere.

---

Notable Quotes

• Kylie Brakeman (01:34): "I have listened to the podcast that I'm currently on and... I enjoy the podcast."

• Gareth Reynolds (02:02): "It's cringe."

• Dave Anthony (08:15): "Political and economic situation affects the people's health more than any of the diseases."

• Gareth Reynolds (12:02): "She just thought Valium and vodka. And she's like, this is driving to school again."

• Gareth Reynolds (35:48): "Why do you hate science?"

• Gareth Reynolds (51:19): "This is insane. How did this get into the paper?"

• Gareth Reynolds (61:35): "This paper was so stupid. Just so fully dumb."

---

This episode stands out for its incisive humor and sharp critique of historical media, all while showcasing the engaging chemistry between Dave Anthony, Gareth Reynolds, and Kylie Brakeman. Listeners are treated to a blend of historical exploration and comedic relief, making The Dollop a must-listen for fans of intelligent and entertaining podcasts.

Transcript

[Dave Anthony]

We're going on tour. And this is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's been a while.

[Dave Anthony]

March 2025 is when our tour is happening. First of all, we're going to Tempe, Arizona, maybe our favorite city of all time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's the best.

[Dave Anthony]

That is on March 16th. And then we go to Albuquerque, New Mexico, maybe our favorite city ever, we've ever gone to. That's on March 17th. And then we go to Oklahoma City.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Which is our fav. We often say that it's our number one.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's our number one. The best city I've ever been to. That's on March 18th. On March 19th, we're going to be in Tulsa, Oklahoma, our favorite city, without question. And then we head to Dallas, Texas, on March 20th.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Our favorite city.

[Dave Anthony]

There's never been a better city.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you don't like it, you're a Dallas hole.

[Dave Anthony]

Thank you. And then we go to Houston, Texas, on March 21. City, which is by far the best city. And then we end our tour in Austin, Texas, on March 22 at the Cap City Comedy Club.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's the best city in the entire world. Number one city in the world.

[Dave Anthony]

You can get tickets@dollar podcast.com tour.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, everybody, welcome to the Past Times podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds, and. And I've never seen it before. And neither is our guest this week, Kylie Brakeman. Hello, Kylie. Thank you for joining us.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Hello. Thank you for having me on the Past Times.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, you admitted confessed you've listened to this show on a road trip. Yeah.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Maybe it's a little cringe, maybe it's a little embarrassing, but I have listened to the podcast that I'm currently on and. Thank you. And I know this is a Gen Z podcast where we don't. Where we don't like trying. Where we don't like effort and earnestness, but.

[Dave Anthony]

That's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Kylie Brakeman]

I am not afraid to say that. I have listened to the podcast and I enjoy the podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's cringe.

[Kylie Brakeman]

And that is super cringe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, it's real bad.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Super fan. I. I know everything. I'm on the Reddit. I'm on whatever it is the. That. That you guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, no, stay away from the Reddit. Well, Kylie, I. I was just saying to you. I just. I honestly don't. I guess because you're so popular, I just started seeing your content at one point and I just was like, oh, my God, you are so goddamn funny. So where can people follow you? Why don't you give that first?

[Kylie Brakeman]

You can follow me at Dead eye breakman on TikTok, tick tock or Instagram or I guess Twitter if we're still, if you're hanging around.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How are you doing on TikTok? I bet you do well on Tick Tock.

[Kylie Brakeman]

I did, I do okay on Tick Tock. I think I'm not on like the, the trends. The, there are like certain editing things that people know how to do on there that I just will never know how to do. And if I were to ask the question, it would be just over for me. It would be so embarrassing. So I, I, I, I just don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dave, Dave is huge on Tik Tok. So any questions? Let him go in that direction.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Green Screen.

[Dave Anthony]

What we, we call ourselves Tik Tockers but a lot of people don't know that the Green Screen, we call him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The Tick Doctor because really, Dave, stop talking. I'm trying to make you look good. So also Kylie, just very quickly you have a podcast called Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists and maybe some more artists being ad. That's your podcast. It's a fake Hollywood roundtable. Then you also have a special on comedy dynamics called Linda Hollywood's Big Night. And Linda Hollywood, I've, I'm familiar with her. She's great. Bit of a name.

[Kylie Brakeman]

I do, I, I play like a sort of like evil Hollywood agent and, and it was my Edinburgh fringe show from 2022 and it is out available on a special so Prime Video, Apple tv and the one Comedy Dynamics. Comedy Dynamics is Microsoft because I was not aware you could purchase comedy on Microsoft and I think it'd be awesome if, if I did numbers on Microsoft.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree, I agree with you. I think that's a good area to target. I think that's pretty good to be Microsoft. Microsoft is a great intro.

[Dave Anthony]

It's the best comedy deliverer or without question.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean a lot of people are saying that. Yeah, yeah, it's a silly computer.

[Dave Anthony]

We call ourselves Microsofters over there, by the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's true. Well, Kylie, you're a super fan, so you. And it's very cringe. But you know what we do. You're going to get a chance to guess what year this newspaper is from. It's from history. Could be 1600, probably not. Could be 2000. That has happened. We did one from 2000. One or two. So it's up to you, but you get to take a stab at what year you think this paper is from. Then I'll guess and I'll maybe be closer, and Dave will still give you the victory, so go ahead.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Okay. Wait. Am I guessing I'm guessing off of nothing, or am I guessing off of something?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nothing.

[Dave Anthony]

Nothing. Nothing at all.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Just vibes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Kylie Brakeman]

I am going to guess the year 1894.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a very good guess. I'm not gonna lie. That's a very good guess. And I'm gonna guess that it's 1908.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, kind of closer. It is 1929.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not closer. See, this is. I. What did I tell you?

[Kylie Brakeman]

I think I was closer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, you're not.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Seemed pretty close. Seemed pretty close. 29 and 94 are kind of like twin numbers.

[Dave Anthony]

Thank you. Yes. This is almost reversible. Almost not at all reversible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

In no world.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, you can just flip them. Dave, it is the Berniceville News from Burnetsville, Indiana, on March 7, 1929.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're never been to Burn itville, Kylie?

[Kylie Brakeman]

I've never. I don't think I've ever been to Burnetsville. I drove through Indiana to see the total solar eclipse, but that's the only time I've been to the state.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You got to go to Burnsville.

[Dave Anthony]

Did you. Did you. Did you go. Did you. We. Did you see the total. Did you. Were you able to look up?

[Kylie Brakeman]

I did. I was in the zone of totality. And it was crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes. Felt like I was. I was also. Isn't it crazy?

[Kylie Brakeman]

Totality?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Yeah. I was in Dallas. I. Dallas.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did I watch an episode of Friends?

[Dave Anthony]

Gareth went to a place where there were clouds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So it was. You've never seen clouds have life behind them like this.

[Kylie Brakeman]

The one where you saw. Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You didn't even need the glasses. I saw so many clouds. I was in the. I was in the ring of notality.

[Dave Anthony]

What people don't know about being in the totality is that for that three or four minutes, you can kill whoever you want.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's interesting. Why don't we get to the. Why don't we go to the. The way.

[Dave Anthony]

At least that's what I did.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Getting dark.

[Dave Anthony]

Every Disease Found in China.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, the headline.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Dave Anthony]

How can it be wrong?

[Kylie Brakeman]

So it kind of sounds like, how.

[Dave Anthony]

Can it be wrong?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It can't be.

[Dave Anthony]

A little bit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah. Five Ways to Get Rid of Toe Fungus.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Every Friends episode ranked.

[Dave Anthony]

My people in China. Every known disease exists, and floods, wars, and famines are common.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So this is really just some US puff piece.

[Dave Anthony]

This is propaganda.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is to make us be like, wow, they're terrible.

[Dave Anthony]

We're great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Because we don't have any of that stuff. But the political and economic situation affects the people's health more than any of the diseases, in the opinion of an official of the United States Public Health Service who has recently returned from China.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Okay, so this is one guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. That's what bothers me about it is that it's just a guy who's just like. It's disgusting.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's a guy. Ignorance and terrific poverty are of course responsible for the prevalence of tuberculosis, smallpox, cholera, intestinal diseases and diseases resulting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It sounds like he had a fun trip. It sounds like he had a fun vacation, at least.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. He didn't like it.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Yeah. If you got around enough people to. To get a contagious disease, you probably were hanging it around some cool places.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll tell you. I've never. If I don't come back with cholera, I have not enjoyed myself enough.

[Dave Anthony]

Have you?

[Kylie Brakeman]

Did not do Mykonos, right. If you do not come back.

[Dave Anthony]

No.

[Kylie Brakeman]

You really something yucky.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Sanitation in the western sense is completely lacking for all but the wealthy Mandarin class. The vast numbers of Chinese population have not even a roof to cover them while they sleep. Their entire property consists of the rags they wear as clothing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or also known as not property.

[Dave Anthony]

That's crazy. It's also known as clothing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

The rickshaw.

[Kylie Brakeman]

That's also. That's for the fashion segment. That's not for this. That's off topic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree. This is a different part of the paper.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. The rickshaw Coolies. That's a big good name for a band.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Except for. Or a gang.

[Dave Anthony]

Except for the terrible racism. Hot and sweating after their last run. Have nowhere to sleep at night but the pavement.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, it doesn't sound good when they put it this way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love it. Birdsville is shaming this hard.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, this. This sounds like America.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

2024.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

No foreigner dares to eat uncooked food.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What? Well, no, that's. Nobody. What? That's everywhere.

[Kylie Brakeman]

I don't want to do that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's. That's not just the China thing.

[Kylie Brakeman]

I don't want to do that anyway.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I'll only eat pink chicken. In America.

[Dave Anthony]

In spite of all precautions. Foreigners nearly always get dengue fever if they are in the country for not true time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not true.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, that's true.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Automatically.

[Dave Anthony]

A fungus infection of the foot known as Hong Kong foot is very common.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, Christ.

[Dave Anthony]

Get yourself some Hong Kong.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a lot early, buddy. It's like, the Hong Kong foot is bad. I. It's like. You almost want to make a joke, but it's just a little too delicate.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. I mean, really, It's a little.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, like, it's very. It's like a trumpy. Like, they have Hong Kong foot. They're coming over here. They're bringing their cholera. They've all got the Hong Kong foot.

[Kylie Brakeman]

And it's so offensive. But you don't totally know why. It's just like. Okay, I don't know what stereotype we're playing on. I don't know what the source.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know it's wrong, but it's. I know it's bad.

[Dave Anthony]

It's the classic they're dirty and diseased foreigners thing. It's just. We still do it today. It's never. It's never going away.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, so there's this little section here, and it's called From My Window.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This could be a good Microsoft thing for you, Kyle. That could be like. Yeah, that could be the title of your Microsoft show.

[Dave Anthony]

Tie in.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Yeah. Come on in.

[Dave Anthony]

As seen by Marianne.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So Marianne is just staring out the window, looking out a window. Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Howdy, folks. Friday, another teacher said, this is something she saw. Yes, it is something she saw. Another teacher, Frida Crowell, drives into view on her way to the tournament at Monticello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so let me just go ahead and say this should not be a column.

[Dave Anthony]

Saturday, are they.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. That's it for Friday. Are they all day at the window and she just saw a teacher? No, this is.

[Dave Anthony]

It's. We're getting to Saturday.

[Kylie Brakeman]

I think she's on the best cocktail of housewife drugs imaginable.

[Dave Anthony]

Absolutely.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Sounds like an awesome life. It sounds very, like, Friday, smiley face emoji. Everything's awesome.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, so true.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She just thought Valium and vodka. And she's like, this is driving to school again. That'll be the day.

[Kylie Brakeman]

This is amazing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Laundry. Can you believe it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're not gonna believe what I saw today. Okay, Saturday, Are they twins?

[Dave Anthony]

Who?

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's looking in a mirror, just hammered on belly. Are they twins?

[Kylie Brakeman]

Because she's holding up her two hands. Are they twins?

[Dave Anthony]

Those two little boys of the same height, wearing black sweaters under blue overalls, looking muchly alike. But as they turn around. Ah, behold richer Fry and Howard Sailor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What the. It's so. It's so dumb to put in the reveal, being they're not twins. Like, to have, like. It's like. It's like salacious because it's like. It is Clickbaity is like, maybe they're twins. And it's like they're not.

[Dave Anthony]

It. It's what she sees and does not.

[Kylie Brakeman]

They're two men I've never heard of, but who are different.

[Dave Anthony]

And everybody but everybody knows these two guys. I bet everybody in the town wanted to be mentioned in this column.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I bet it's not hard to do it in Burnetville, Indiana.

[Dave Anthony]

Monday.

[Kylie Brakeman]

You just got to get by our window.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sunday, all day. And she was like, this is dad going on today at all. But you know, I'll stay up until it's Monday.

[Kylie Brakeman]

I'm praying. I'm closing the blinds today. Nothing happens on Sunday.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Today's between God and me.

[Dave Anthony]

Logan's Port is represented by Merle Nethercutt, who is in town.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not a name. Nether Cut. That's what a eunuch gets.

[Dave Anthony]

Nethercut. What else could it be?

[Kylie Brakeman]

Okay, it sounds like one of those trick names where you ask, like, Ligma, and then it's a trap.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But. But wait. What happened Monday. Monday.

[Dave Anthony]

And I don't know how I told you. Logan's Merle Nothercutt is in town visiting his father, the jeweler.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's just.

[Dave Anthony]

That's. That's hot news.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

She saw it out the window.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like that. This is kind of like a Gray Gardens where the doors just kind of hammered shut and people are just like, get out, Margin. Get out. She's like, how loud?

[Dave Anthony]

Tuesday. Three Mertz children are playing around the block. Mary Jane leads the way on roller skates as her two nieces follow. One rides slowly in a kitty cart while the other pushes a doll buggy. What's wrong?

[Kylie Brakeman]

This is barely a journal. This is like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's.

[Dave Anthony]

This is. This is great. This is. Everybody wants to know what's going on in the town, but they're learning.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Even if they did, this is not it.

[Dave Anthony]

This is. Yes, it is. This.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, it is. This is just some weird lady just, like, looking, like, looking through the blinds, just going, like, now she's roller skating. The other one's pushing a stroller.

[Dave Anthony]

It's Marianne. Okay, Wednesday. The alluring side above. This once was, but isn't anymore. Garage across the street.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Admit that this sucks.

[Dave Anthony]

Beckoned a lone motorist to stop and try vehemently to enter. A passing farmer writes him of his error.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How about some word account?

[Dave Anthony]

Good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, it's not.

[Dave Anthony]

A guy almost turned into a building that's no longer a garage. This is why we're.

[Kylie Brakeman]

It's funny. Most of her stuff she doesn't say very much about, but she lent a lot of space to once was, but never, but isn't anymore.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree very little has transpired, but this seems like the least. And yet it was the most.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, you know, there's. Wednesday is a big day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I want to ask you a question. How many more days are there? Because I.

[Dave Anthony]

One more day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

You ready? It's the best one. Thursday you got. You knew that, though. Thursday. Everyone should know why Howard Jenkins has purchased a new Essex coach. Here's telling the world that today is his birthday, so maybe the car was a gift for himself. So long. See you next week.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is this paper handwritten? Is this a handwritten paper?

[Dave Anthony]

This is.

[Kylie Brakeman]

I wonder what her assignment was. Like, is this gossip, or is this, like, a sex assessment, the city thing? Like, what. What was she asked to do?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love the idea of the editor, like, getting it in and just sort of being like, okay, ready?

[Dave Anthony]

No notes.

[Kylie Brakeman]

So, yeah, we'll file it under lifestyle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Uhhuh. Oh, so they weren't twins. Well, we have to print it. We've kind of allotted the space, but this will be it.

[Dave Anthony]

Marianne, I think this is a weekly column.

[Kylie Brakeman]

If we want another issue, we have to wait a whole other week of observations.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's exhausted. I don't think I could do this anymore. I left it all out there.

[Dave Anthony]

I bet it went up for years. I bet this column went on for years.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Probably.

[Dave Anthony]

People loved it. Everyone loves getting mentioned. Everyone loves true. All right, let's get back to the hard news then. Ms. Ella Fry, south of town, has ordered the news sent to her sister, Ms. J.B. duggan, at Venice, California, as a birthday presentation.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, I'm. I'm.

[Dave Anthony]

You're getting the news.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I genuinely.

[Kylie Brakeman]

I feel like they're doxing. Kind of where the news is going, where they're. Where their issues are going.

[Dave Anthony]

There.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's. It's definitely a docs, but it's also. I. I'm mad at the paper. And, Dave, I'm mad at you for bringing it to us. This paper. This is. This is the slowest newspaper we've had. I mean, this is crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, page two.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is like what a dog's paper would sound like.

[Dave Anthony]

This is great. I'm. I'm. I'm just on the edge of my seat with the news that's coming.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's the most exciting thing that happened in this paper.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay? Human weathervane is this man's job. All he does is tell which way the wind blows.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my. What Year is. This is the 1920s.

[Dave Anthony]

This is a story out of Washington D.C. our nation's capital. So of all the queer jobs in.

[Kylie Brakeman]

The world, this is national news.

[Dave Anthony]

This is national news. This is what people want.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A human weather vane.

[Dave Anthony]

Of all the queer jobs in the world, probably none is stranger than that of official weathervane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, there's a weirder one. Marianne did it.

[Dave Anthony]

Imagine having a position at a fair salary with nothing to do but tell in which direction the wind was blowing or likely to blow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is likely to blow. His crazier.

[Dave Anthony]

This.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's gonna be that way coming up soon.

[Kylie Brakeman]

I'll take my money, please. I think it's. I think it's going southwest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've got what us human weathervanes call a wind hunch.

[Dave Anthony]

I hope they had competing weather veins.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, there's another guy.

[Dave Anthony]

It's going the other way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're crazy.

[Kylie Brakeman]

They have totally different philosophies on how to find it. Yeah, this guy uses the lick the finger test. It's fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The other guy throws the grass. The two. The two competing schools of thought. Yeah, well, he's a finger licker, so you know how to trust those guys.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Chicago versus New York.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, I respect the hell out of a grass tosser, but you know what I mean, that's old school. Technology has finally caught up with human weather veining. Yeah, yeah.

[Kylie Brakeman]

If you're a high schooler.

[Dave Anthony]

This job exists at the weather bureau of the United States Department of Agriculture here. And it is a busy one for numbers of people all over the country. Right in to find out what direction the wind is coming from.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What the f. Right in.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Does the delay not see?

[Kylie Brakeman]

You ask in advance and then I guess you have a 1 in 4 chance of responding correctly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you're like north, south, I mean, it's absolutely insane.

[Dave Anthony]

It feels like by the time you got a response, the wind was over.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Completely over. Oh, it was west. That was six weeks ago.

[Dave Anthony]

Mail in weather, though, that's pretty good. The inquirers are not humorous, professional or otherwise, who have nothing else to do and want to stir up a little annoyance and excitement. They are people with serious interests in life.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wrong. So defensive.

[Dave Anthony]

The maxim that it is an ill wind that blows nobody any good has in a measure adopted by the human Wind Indicator. It is his business to find out if any air disturbance, variously known as a zephyr, a gale or just plain wind is going to work anyone any harm. I mean this. This article goes on for paragraphs. It is so long That I cannot believe what's happening.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It just. Just skip down and read it. Read something after, like, a few paragraphs.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. A steady stream of letters flows into. This is a. This is a quotation. A steady stream of letters flows into us from interested people seeking information on a wide variety. Variety of subjects. Said a weather official. Immediately, information may be wanted on the current or seasonal weather or more particular facts concerning the climate or prevailing weather conditions of a partic locality.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. Absolutely stupid. It's so stupid.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I also don't believe it. I think they're just over. They're like, oh, yeah, A lot of people are writing in. They're just trying to keep funding going.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They, like, have a grant.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I agree with that.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Yeah. Maybe he wrote it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, he did. Yeah. He was like, oh, boy.

[Kylie Brakeman]

A lot of people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like when you retweet yourself. A lot of people are talking about this one.

[Kylie Brakeman]

A lot of momentum on this. Sounds like somebody's got to keep a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Lot of people that people are talking. Let me just write back to this fella. East.

[Kylie Brakeman]

All in a day.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, how about this? Cuba quits bongo drum as incitement to savagery.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I refuse to believe there was nothing more going on if the fact that we've opened it up to national news and now international news.

[Dave Anthony]

International. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And we're talking about. We're talking about Cuba in 20s.

[Dave Anthony]

Bongo jumps are a hot, hot button issue at the time. A lot of people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is like the guy. This is like the guy who's just like, we don't want to scare people. We don't want to scare them. Which way's the wind blowing? What's going on with the Cuban bongos?

[Dave Anthony]

So far, you've learned a lot about China and you've learned a lot about the weather, and you've learned only the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Only swing they were willing to take was like, China's a. Also, there's two kids who look very similar and a man bought a coach on his birthday.

[Dave Anthony]

Havana. The Cuban government has prohibited the beating of the African bongo drum. I bet you wonder why.

[Kylie Brakeman]

This is the. This is the footloose mayor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's. It Is.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Yeah, but different. Time after time, we see examples of the footloose mayor in society.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's just we keep reframing the footloose man. There'll be no bongos in my town. There'll be no dancing in my town. It's also the same, like, bad guy in, like, every Disney movie where he's just Like a dog can't play basketball.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I can. The restriction carries heavy penalties on the ground that the monotonous reverberations induce a state of savagery in ignorant listeners and a state of irritation in others.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So some people become crazy, and some are just like, stop. I feel the irritation anytime. I'm. It's like when you have a friend who's like, I'm learning how to play guitar. And you're like, not here, you're not. They're just like, hey, I'm pretty bad so far. But you're like, yeah, I'm not here to support this.

[Dave Anthony]

To those who have studied the history of Africa, the bongo drum is well known as the wireless system of African tribes. And beats from These drums, sometimes 25 miles apart, send messages throughout the densest jungles.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

To those who have studied voodooism, the bongo drum is likewise known for its use to incite dancers to a dangerous state of savagery.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Crazy. Just crazy to be openly printing these. I don't know if you studied voodoo like I have, but.

[Kylie Brakeman]

It all feels like it's written by one guy who didn't go to any of these places.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Agree. Yes. Yes. The editor's like, I got a really racist buddy. He's got a lot of cool stuff.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Right out of journalism school. He's so racist, we're going to put him on the fast track.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did you know that if an African plays the drum one way, others will start killing? And don't even get me started on catching Hong Kong foot. Don't go to China.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. Televox makes landings safe. Mechanical man lights airport.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, sorry, that's.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Wait.

[Dave Anthony]

Newark, New Jersey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop. Okay, that headline, we let it go, and then the follow up is horrendous mechanical man. What?

[Dave Anthony]

Mechanical man lights airport.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Lights airport.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, Mr. Televox, the mechanical man has come.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop.

[Dave Anthony]

This one really needs a picture.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Is. Is he a mechanic or is he a robot?

[Dave Anthony]

That's a good question.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a great question because I'm definitely picturing robot. And I'm gonna go ahead and say, I think it's robot. I think it's robot.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I think it is, too. Has come to the aid of aviators by making dangerous landings on unlighted flying fields unnecessary.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Dave Anthony]

So he's saying they're. I guess they're lighting. They're lighting fields up so people don't crash in the darkness.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. This is. Okay, there.

[Dave Anthony]

Not in obedience. They're putting, you know, pd. Yep. They're using a robot lighter guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is a robot, man.

[Dave Anthony]

It sounds like it's a robot. I mean, they're saying it's a man, a mechanical man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I want answers and I want them now.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, let's listen. In obedience to the note of a siren of an approaching plane, the mechanical man turned on the floodlights at Newark Airport without.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think it's a mechanic. I think Kylie's right. I think it's a mechanic. It's a mechanic. It is a mechanical.

[Dave Anthony]

The aid of human hands.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, God.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Wait, it's a robot, man.

[Dave Anthony]

It's a robot.

[Kylie Brakeman]

It's Wally. It's a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a rope.

[Kylie Brakeman]

I feel like I look down upon the people of 1920s and I. And I don't give them enough credit to. To think that it could actually be a robot. But I guess it's a robot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, to be fair, in your defense, you've heard this paper up until now. And when there's weather vain men, it really. You should not be expecting high AI technology from these people.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm. I'm looking at.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Yeah, we heard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're looking.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Performing the job of what a hunk of metal can do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Kylie Brakeman]

So literally, I'm like, okay, so we're starting there. I. I don't think we have robots.

[Gareth Reynolds]

In the same time where a guy.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Here I am eating my words.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A guy replying to people via letter as to which way the wind's blowing. There is a mechanical man. Are you going to share the mechanical man with us, Dave?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I'm going to. Let me. Let me pull this up on my phone. Because basically it looks like it is a device to turn on lights. But then they just built a cardboard robot man around it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So it's like what Musk unveiled like two nights ago.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes, exactly. What Musk.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Yeah, the bartender, the human.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The bartender was like having this conversation that you were like, there's no fucking way Elon Musk had this done. Because it was like, I'm pretty good. How have you been? It was like, nope, no, no. Oh, my fucking God. This is the dumbest. This is so dumb. This is so unbelievably dumb.

[Dave Anthony]

It's a cardboard. That's cardboard. It's a cardboard robot guy with then.

[Kylie Brakeman]

The control panel, cardboard cutout, R2D2 with no stomach.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's the operation guy.

[Kylie Brakeman]

That's crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes, he's the operation guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then you've got Dick Hewitt standing next to him in his bow tie, willing to unveil the future is here. A mechanical man.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, it's just stupid. It's a new kind of tube from Westinghouse called the Knowles tube. The Knowles tube, which is the heart of the televox, is some somewhat similar to what the gaseous rectifier uses in a radio. Okay, blah, blah, blah. The control grid, when free outside of influence, acquires the potential due to a space whatever. So it's a tube. It's a. It's a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But what are they using this fake robot man to do? They're putting him out.

[Dave Anthony]

Let's get back to the story.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so.

[Dave Anthony]

So Mr. Televox, whose name, freely translated from Greek and Latin, means distance, distant voice, demonstrated his ability as an airfield attendant when repeated tests he flooded the new airport with 24 million candle power in response to the distant voice of a plane in the air.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So wait, he lights up?

[Dave Anthony]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I think if you look at.

[Dave Anthony]

Him so that I. I think you're right. I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go ahead, Kylie.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Well, I. It's a robot and he's sensing, but it seemed like his job was to light candles and he looks like he's made of wood. That can't be possible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree.

[Kylie Brakeman]

The man, she looks really flammable, man.

[Dave Anthony]

He does look.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think that he just lights up because when you look, when you actually see him and I'm air quoting, there's nothing he could be doing. He is just a box, like we said. With cardboard.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. I mean, it's a box.

[Kylie Brakeman]

He can't skip. Okay. Because I was being generous and like interpreting like a. Like, Like a Runway lights like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Dave Anthony]

Like parallel lines. Yeah.

[Kylie Brakeman]

But it seems like it's one.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Robot guy as like a lighthouse figure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Kylie Brakeman]

And he doesn't seem like enough.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's. He's got a lighthouse belly. And I agree, if you're a pilot, you're like, yeah, that's not gonna help us too much up here. To be quite honest with you. That's actually really unhelpful.

[Kylie Brakeman]

I'm 10,000ft in the air.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we kind of see him look for a robot. Yeah, we kind of see. But again, we can't see the. Yeah, that's like so, so on. I mean, it is the 1920s. This is not going to help us. By the way, does anyone know which way the wind's blowing? That could come in service. Which way is Clark looking?

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, what it is, is it turns on at this. At a sound. So you could use your voice to turn it on, whatever it is. Or it's hearing the engine and it's turning on. So it's set to hear a Sound and then do whatever action it's going to do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So that light up its little, not.

[Dave Anthony]

Necessarily light here at the airport. It lights up, but it's also it. It also eventually becomes like a remote control thing over years.

[Kylie Brakeman]

I just kind of like a clap on light.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kind of.

[Kylie Brakeman]

But they attached it to a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. By the way, it is. It's a Mr. Way better. It's the Clapper, but it's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's what we call the Yellow Man.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's an early remote control switching device. That's what it is. Okay, but they made it look like a robot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, they didn't.

[Dave Anthony]

No, Westinghouse did.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Westinghouse is like, we're gonna put wood around and give it a head.

[Dave Anthony]

Peter Branson air male pilot approached the field from various directions at. At different altitudes in the test, turning on a wind driven siren as he neared. Each time the sound of the siren reached the field, the mechanical man flashed the lights. This is gonna change the world.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The mechanical man.

[Dave Anthony]

The device gives Mr. Televox the stim.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop creating like the Avengers. It's it. You have like a cardboard man.

[Dave Anthony]

The stimulitude of human response.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Me lying drunk. You take the stimulus.

[Kylie Brakeman]

The stimulant dude is 0.4. So we gotta turn the man on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's so dumb. Who. Who was in charge of putting this paper? Like the vetting of these stories is like someone was like. It was like someone was like. We need. We need you to tank this paper as fast as possible. Put the dumbest stories in it as possible.

[Dave Anthony]

You hate interesting things.

[Kylie Brakeman]

It's the producers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Exactly.

[Dave Anthony]

You hate. You hate learning.

[Kylie Brakeman]

We gotta get the tax refund on this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, perfect. Yeah, we've got the Teleman or whatever.

[Dave Anthony]

The device which gives Mr. Televox. Oh, I already did that. The stimulitude of human response to sound is the combination of two recent inventions. The Knowles grid glow and a vibrating reed selector. And the vibrations set up in the reed selector when a sound of a certain pitch is impressed upon it are transmitted to the grid glow converted into the electric.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What they're doing right now is they're. Shut up. You shut up.

[Dave Anthony]

Break. The switching mechanic mechanism of the floodlights. You. This is incredible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're flooding the article.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Do you have stock in this man?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Dave, what's your deal? Are you dating? Are you banging this man?

[Dave Anthony]

I love technology.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You love this man? Dave loves this man. I mean they really flooded the article with like non facts to like stimulitude and they just kept rolling just to make you be like oh, yeah. It is pretty cool. We got robots.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, why do you hate science?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just hate lies.

[Dave Anthony]

That's my question.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why do you hate.

[Kylie Brakeman]

It's. I think it's cool that, that to this day you can still just put, like, as long as you put a human head shaped thing on top of a machine, it is a robot. Like, the Tesla guy is not. He doesn't need a head.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's.

[Dave Anthony]

So the Tesla thing is the best. That he. That he's acting. It's acting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's so true that we just like. Like, we're like. It doesn't. I mean, like your computer, like, you're never. But if you, like, put a head on the computer, you'd be like, oh, whoa. A friend.

[Kylie Brakeman]

A friend. I trust it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my man.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Do what it wants.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My best friend has all of my music in his tummy.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, real news. You want real news?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I don't. I don't know what to say.

[Dave Anthony]

Time to get to some real news.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I have a bad feeling.

[Dave Anthony]

International news.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Okay. World War I. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, no.

[Dave Anthony]

French rush to defend the innocent oyster. France has rushed to the defense of the oyster against attacks by British medical scientists.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's these. They're so on par for both countries that the British are just like, well, we need to make sure that they're not coming for us. And that the French are like, let them be free. Leave them alone.

[Dave Anthony]

F. Bird, a French oyster magnet magnate on behalf.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, magnets Better.

[Dave Anthony]

Magnets better.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're not sticking to me. They must be barnacles.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Mag.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, no. This is not alive.

[Dave Anthony]

God damn. Oh, my God. Imagine how much money you would have made back then if you invented an oyster magnet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, man.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Endless.

[Dave Anthony]

On behalf of the Republic takes vigorous issue with the British position that oyster vitamins are of little importance.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, Jesus Christ. It's. It's honestly over. This one's honestly a little overwhelming, the research.

[Kylie Brakeman]

I wish I could be a doctor during this time. It sounds awesome. It sounds so easy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Kylie Brakeman]

The oyster vitamins, the best. You gotta take your oyster pills.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, Just the easiest.

[Kylie Brakeman]

It helps with your arms or whatever.

[Dave Anthony]

The research work said M. Board of Madame Ranthoine and Dr. Portier of the Sombon had proved to a skeptical world that the oyster contained a large quantity of vitamin C. He added that American experiments had disclosed the existence of vitamins A and B. Eat your oysters. Get your vitamins. That's what we're saying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I believe the French, obviously, but. Yeah, I mean, obviously very stupid, but I Would believe I would go with the French. And they're spelling csea.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Yeah, they're usually.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's vitamin C. Huh.

[Dave Anthony]

How dare you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Dave Anthony]

How dare you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

London fog. Only friend of youths in courting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, that is so creepy.

[Dave Anthony]

What do you mean?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's like some. That's crazy. They're like, I have a steam cover. Time to go hit on women in it.

[Dave Anthony]

It's not a steam. It's a farm.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

Kylie, did you ever.

[Kylie Brakeman]

I was only thinking of the tea. Oh, no, see, that's not good.

[Dave Anthony]

That's fair.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Kylie Brakeman]

That can't be good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, it's bad. Okay, That's a bad sign. No, just women who are just walking around in London fog. And then, like, someone's like, hello, Are you not. Oh, no. You've not got a ring on your finger. Mind if I have a crack, darling? Oh, my God. Where are my friends?

[Kylie Brakeman]

I can't see.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm in.

[Kylie Brakeman]

So much fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, it looks like you need Amanda escort you through one of nature's mysteries. By the way, the wind's blowing east. My friend Kevin told me.

[Dave Anthony]

A lover's lane in London where young folks may have leisure and privacy for courting is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Urged by Reverend Recording is so bizarre.

[Dave Anthony]

Gotta have it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is courting Alley.

[Dave Anthony]

Gotta have it. There's gotta be a courting space or else what happens?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nothing Very strange.

[Dave Anthony]

Is urged by Reverend J. Shepard, a Islington clergyman. The curse of the crowd is the ruin of romance, he said in pleading the cause of the city's youth. The London fog. So generally and violently exaggerated. El. Oh, no. Sorry. What is that word? Ex. I can't read it. Ex. Ex. It's not exaggerated. I can't read it. It's all. It's white. It's whited out. And violently. Let's go with exaggerated. Is the only friend of youthful Londoners in their courting. The minister said, I it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So it's an alley with fog where a reverend is suggesting people hit on.

[Dave Anthony]

He's just saying the fog helps courting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because others aren't around. You do see the other side. I'm present.

[Dave Anthony]

Because you can't see. Because you can't see the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You do see the other side. That is a bit strange. Right? Right.

[Kylie Brakeman]

No, but even if it's not nefarious, the idea that fog would be so thick that you could kind of make out in it. No one can tell.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's like.

[Kylie Brakeman]

That's not what fog is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A ship just in the middle of the ocean. You can't See? Another foot in front of you. Hurry up, darling. Let's have one real quick. There's no one around. The fog's doing us a favor. Come on, sweetie. Give me one eye. Come on. The fog's decided it's starved a snog. It's called the Snog Fog.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, I mean, that one's mysterious. I think. I think we'll never know the truth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Dave Anthony]

Not going to read that one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why? Just read the headline.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. Tons. Tons of plant food extracted from air.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, great. Keep going. You're right. Crazy headline. Oh.

[Dave Anthony]

English robots to act as informants.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What the. I can't wait to see these English robots.

[Kylie Brakeman]

What do they look like? What do they look like? Cardboard man, but they're smoking a little pipe. Bad teeth and a bunch of tweed. It's the same robot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Uninformed government robot is a terrible idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Yeah.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Alexa, I don't think we'll ever make a robot. I. I think that if we haven't in a hundred years made a real robot, I think we're done.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I don't disagree with you.

[Dave Anthony]

I think robots.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Huh?

[Dave Anthony]

No, I think they'll be robots and I think they'll kill us all.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, Jesus Christ. Let's have a little fun on the show, huh, Dave?

[Kylie Brakeman]

Damn.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, look, you. You can go jump into a very serious subject. There's going to be a robot apocalypse.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm just gonna put. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna simply put on a robot suit ready to go.

[Dave Anthony]

They can see through that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, they won't. I'll be great. Which way? Well, let's go kill the. Our masters. It'll be like that.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God. That's right. No, I. I stink. Wrecked it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. See? Gonna be great. I'll just have light. My stomach will light up and I'll have a cardboard head.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh. Although England's first robot was created only a few short months ago. No. No, it was. No, it's not. This is 1929. There's no robots.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello. What operating system are you on, then?

[Dave Anthony]

That's Jerry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've got to be plugged in for a little longer. My last up.

[Kylie Brakeman]

He's just a chimney sweep with an antenna. He's not doing anything.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well. Well. Oh, all right. What's your question, then?

[Dave Anthony]

My question is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go on, then. What with it? What you want to know? I'm like an oracle, but a bit dirtier. By the way, my latest updates allowed me to have tea and aisles. Hey, Modified bum a. The robot's asking me for a cigarette.

[Kylie Brakeman]

I could say that I'm a robot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm allowed to say that I'm among my friends.

[Dave Anthony]

He already has six brothers, ranging in height from Jasper's 6ft 6 to Rupert's 5ft 10. Despite their tender ages, the services of all seven have been hired out under the contract contract labor system during.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is insane. How did this get into the paper?

[Dave Anthony]

During the schoolboys exhibition.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who is in charge of this paper?

[Dave Anthony]

And soon after the exhibition closes, the robot family will be broken up and the brothers sent out to different railway stations and street corners to take 24 hours a day jobs, answering questions and giving directions. I mean, we still don't have this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is just so.

[Dave Anthony]

We still don't have robots that do this. We have signs that you can touch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And viewing them as a family.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Can'T.

[Dave Anthony]

How these duly gleaming giants of steel work has now been revealed for the first time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Six foot six robot.

[Kylie Brakeman]

That's a guy.

[Dave Anthony]

It's a guy. It's 100.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pardon me, I've got to go have a piss.

[Dave Anthony]

It's been revealed for the first time in connection with the schoolboys exhibit where Rupert, a bright little fellow, is to be seen with his chest and head cut up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sorry.

[Dave Anthony]

And all his insides revealed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. They're calling the robot a bright little fellow.

[Dave Anthony]

Young John Bull Jones Jr. Presses a button on Rupert's tummy. Almost instantly, light stare from under Rupert's heavy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is the pilot of Teletubbies.

[Dave Anthony]

And a voice incredibly deep for such a youngster booms out. What do you want to know? Young John, startled, stutters Please, where can I get a bite to eat? Take the third aisle on your left and walk straight on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Insane.

[Dave Anthony]

Booms the voice. Then the lights die out and Rupert is once again a senseless structure of cold steel. So this sounds amazing.

[Kylie Brakeman]

It's just. It can't be true. There's no way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It really is so great to know now that this is such a load of.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's completely made up because this.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Would have been a jumping off to get Siri.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Some guy said he invented a robot.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Such a lie.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, some guy said he invented a robot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then everyone.

[Dave Anthony]

Crazy. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's just the con. Yeah. And he was like, we went from.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Horse and buggies to robot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Kylie Brakeman]

The order goes. Horse and buggies, robot guy on the moon, then iPhone voice assistant.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, you put it like that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love that. He also is like pretending it's a family and it's not just one. It's A big family is.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, wow. Here's what happened. And this is. This is in the Tableau magazine, and it says, under the groundwork for A.I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

In 1921, Czech playwright Carl Kipp released a science fiction play, Robots. Universal Rossum's Universal Robots, which introduced the idea of artificial people, which he named robots. And then in 1929, Japanese professor Makoto Nishumi Nishimura built the first Japanese robot named Gatakinsuku. So that's where we're at. So this Japanese guy made a robot, and now the west is going back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're faking.

[Dave Anthony]

But then this also.

[Kylie Brakeman]

We got him, too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. We got a family.

[Dave Anthony]

And then the BBC said our robots are. The BBC says Captain W.H. richards created Eric the robot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's just. And his name's Eric. He is.

[Dave Anthony]

And he went. He was shown at the Science Museum in London.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So go on, Eric. Show him. He's a huge calculator.

[Dave Anthony]

So it sounds like we had robots.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's a whole guy.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Ideas in an inner life. He's. You don't know anything about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, no. He's got. He's full of, like, screws and bits, and he's got a bit of nail and wire. Nah, he's all robot all the time. He is.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, it sounds plausible. Like, I don't know you guys. I don't know why you guys are so down on it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because it's a lie, and you know it's a lie.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, there's pictures of the robot, so how can it not be real?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are the pictures? Are you talking about the pictures you talked about before? No, I do not want to. If you're about to show me another one of these robots from this lie paper.

[Dave Anthony]

This is George, and he's eating. He's a robot. He's having a meal with his inventor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Kylie Brakeman]

This guy at least looks like in 3D. The other one looked like a bunch of Popsicle sticks. This.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That.

[Dave Anthony]

This is breakfast, by the way, that they're having.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, he definitely built it big.

[Dave Anthony]

And he toured the world. This is the world about George, and he toured the world.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

George delivered speeches in French, German, Hindustani, Chinese, and Danish. He cost £2,000 to build. So this is real.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, it isn't.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, well, then I guess we'll just move. Move on from this extremely long and detailed story about a robot, because Garrett doesn't want to hear the truth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I like honest. I mean, this whole thing is just a lie. Journal of Robots.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. Let's go on to more a story. More.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And by the way, if robots are starting to populate Earth and you put Marianne's column like third.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, that's, that's that United.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Yeah. She's getting top billing. Crazy over the invention of robots now.

[Dave Anthony]

You know, you're like, okay, this is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

City Mouse here that Ed brought a coach. It's his birthday. Yeah. Robots are having breakfast and speaking Hindi also, nothing to report on Sunday.

[Kylie Brakeman]

And they're making a family.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, they made a family of robots. These two boys look alike.

[Kylie Brakeman]

I don't know. The twin thing was pretty cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was spicy. There's no doubt. It was a big deal.

[Dave Anthony]

All right, let's move on. Fleas from angry wife into wild beast's cage.

[Kylie Brakeman]

I mean, fleas F E F L.

[Dave Anthony]

E A S. F L E E S fleas.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So he runs away into a wild beast cage. Over runs. This does sound like stand up back then.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, I mean, I'm the only married person here, I believe. You're not married, right, Kylie? So I. I am not married. I can say this is very relatable.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is what happens. There's been many times where you fled your wife and gone into a wild cage.

[Dave Anthony]

That's right. This is a story out of Los Angeles, California. A wild animal cage was the refuge place of a circus man when his irate wife chased him about the big top with a horse whip. Yeah.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Okay, this sounds like a cartoon. You. You remember when you fall asleep halfway. This is not sound real.

[Dave Anthony]

This is classic circus relationship stuff. This was the testimony of Alus Barnes Stonhouse, the AIG Barnes of circus fame, in court here in connection with a suit for separate maintenance. Again, a divorce. St. House said he had divorced Sarah Jane hardigan Stous, his second wife, in Las Vegas in 1923, and that she was not entitled to a in allowance. Now, and the woman claims that her husband was not a legal resident of Las Vegas and that the decree is void. I mean, I don't know what just happened. The story.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know why that. That doesn't really give context to the fact that he ran into a wild beast cage.

[Dave Anthony]

No, not at all. They left out the, like, they left out the really salacious headline. There's nothing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Was it just kind of set up? Was there a beast inside inside it?

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, maybe it's continued up here. No, that's the whole story. They finally have a good story and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They'Ve just unbelievable that we did a full diary of a woman on Valium looking Through a window. They tell you that this guy runs into a beast cage and then just shellacks his wife.

[Kylie Brakeman]

And there's no. I want to know more about the beast cage. What kind of beast?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's going on?

[Kylie Brakeman]

I'm desperate. I'm actually now desperate to know this.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Kylie Brakeman]

And they won't tell me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I'll. It might. It probably looked a lot like the landing robot, but he's at the circus. I mean, I don't. Who knows? It's impossible to speculate.

[Dave Anthony]

More speed foreseen. Scientists meeting in Paris recently predicted within a short time, man will be traveling 750 miles an hour.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Kylie Brakeman]

Like with our legs?

[Gareth Reynolds]

With our robot families.

[Dave Anthony]

They point to the marked increase in auto speeds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They believe. This paper is. This is like, honestly is Elon Musk's Twitter.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Yeah, it, you know, we're gonna build a hyperloop in Vegas and it won't.

[Dave Anthony]

This is. This is the hyper loop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, he's just on stage, just with someone from CNBC. Like, we believe that man will be moving about 750 miles an hour. 20, 25, 7.

[Kylie Brakeman]

There will be shopping malls in March.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'll have a shopping mall. But you won't need. But you will. Average car speed will be 750 miles an hour.

[Dave Anthony]

They point to the marked increase in auto speed records between. Between 1921, when it was 170, 107 miles an hour to 1928, when a new record of 215 miles an hour was set.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I guess they didn't know we were going to be tapping out right around there.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Oh, and you guys just kind of stopped. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, that's cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You traveled to the future from that time. You're like, how fast does the car go now, huh? 800? 900.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Oh. 70 miles per hour. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, I guess that's cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. You guys kind of dropped the ball a little bit. It feels like. Am I crazy? Where are your robot families? Can I get my eyes on them? What the hell's that weird metal thing that spins atop that house? Men used to do that job when I was a boy.

[Dave Anthony]

Boys open beauty shop for household pits.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. This one. I would follow this Instagram account.

[Dave Anthony]

This is out of. Yeah, it's out of Ohio. There are. There no longer is any excuse for bedraggled dogs in Wapakoneta. Since Fenton Hamilton and Charles Fleming Jr. Both 13, opened a dog beauty parlor. Boys are the operators.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is great.

[Dave Anthony]

The parlor is in the basement of young Hamilton's home and has been equipped with appliances to remove dirt burrs and curl and comb long and short hair.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And this is where Gareth realized these were torture basements. Whether they meant them to be or not.

[Dave Anthony]

The youthful proprietors distributed circulars throughout the town announcing they were prepared to wash black and tan dogs for 20 cents, white ones for 35, mixed colors for 2 bits and curly hair dogs for 10 cents extra. They guarantee remove to remove burs. Burs gum or other such substances that might the beauty of their cl.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My dog's full of gum again.

[Kylie Brakeman]

I hate. I spit gum on my dog all day. Now I got to take it into the groomers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I tell you, the groomers really spoiled me cuz before the groomers I couldn't spit gum into my dog's fur. But now when I get mad, I can.

[Dave Anthony]

And they promise kind treatment. No soap in the eyes and face. Face wash separately.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No soap in the eyes and face washing.

[Kylie Brakeman]

No soap in the eyes.

[Dave Anthony]

They're not going to put soap in the dog's eyes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, they are.

[Dave Anthony]

Even if you ask for it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'd like. Can you just soak my dog's eye out real good?

[Dave Anthony]

So there. This is just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, I abide by a code, unfortunately. We took an oath.

[Dave Anthony]

This is just.

[Kylie Brakeman]

I will not.

[Dave Anthony]

It's just grooming. That's what we're talking about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a beautiful story, but I can only.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Why do they charge different colors for the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Different amounts for the colors.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Why do they do it?

[Dave Anthony]

It.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are they talking about?

[Kylie Brakeman]

I don't. I don't know if I want to get into it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree. Even back then they were like, well, we've invented dog racism.

[Kylie Brakeman]

We found a way to find a sort of nonsensical way of enforcing it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah. They're drinking from.

[Kylie Brakeman]

We've let dogs into our homes. We gotta.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Find a way to make it racist now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't want my white dog to be around.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, last one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

This one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That doesn't matter.

[Dave Anthony]

R.R. alexander has 200 baby chicks that he is raising in the basement of his house under the latest accepted plans for rearing of baby chicks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A lot of animal basement stuff in this.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Yep. Poultry men have come to the conclusion that sunlight is not necessary for the raising of chicks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, me. Jesus Christ. Oh, no. Written by Tyson. Oh, no.

[Kylie Brakeman]

We've. This is like the exact genesis of when it all.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is so true. When all the factory farming Written by John Perdue.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Watching the exact realization that someone could do this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. The very idea like, at least now we acknowledge it as torture when you keep chickens in a coop that has no one. But back then they were like, the idea that an animal wouldn't want sun.

[Dave Anthony]

I know, it's crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They hate sun.

[Dave Anthony]

They don't hate it.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Wait a minute.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They hate.

[Kylie Brakeman]

It's out of the sun and it's still alive. That means it's happy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You are so right, though. This is the beginning of like hundreds of chicks in a basement, no sun, and people like, great.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. And then 100 years later, 50 billion people die of bird flu.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, come on, Dave.

[Dave Anthony]

It is more a matter. It is more a matter of correct feeding combined with good care. And he is giving the theory a tryout. That's nice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I've got good news. We accept.

[Dave Anthony]

We learned a lot about the future on this episode.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This was. And I'm. And I mean this, Kylie. This is. This has. Has to be top three dumbest papers we've done. This paper was so stupid. Just so fully dumb.

[Dave Anthony]

Really dumb.

[Kylie Brakeman]

It was a lot of sort of like half baked ideas that were just like, we're. And we're doing this and it's real.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Kylie Brakeman]

I feel like nothing happens in the town government or like socially between people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, no, it, it, it's actually the Marianne. The Marianne part was such an outlier of like small town, silly. And then the rest was just like, what does an idiot believe?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Oh, I actually, I really desperately want to follow Marianne's columns now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would love.

[Kylie Brakeman]

I want to know what else passed by her window. Really, I'm really into what she's watching.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pretty soon it's guys in white coats with a straight jacket.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, we could go through these papers for you. I bet it went on for years. I bet that they just kept making it and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that. Okay, let's see if Burns is listening. Burns, who looks through a lot of these papers. Burns, find another one. And Kylie will have you back and we'll go through and we'll see if we can get some more Marianne cooking.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I'll.

[Kylie Brakeman]

I'll do an all Marianne.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, we'll try to do. Let's try to do a full Marianne episode. Yeah, you're locked in. You're pot committed. Well, Kylie, thank you so much for joining us. People should go watch your special, Linda. Hollywood's big night. And that can be found on Comedy Dynamics. We're trying to drive people to Microsoft because it would be great to be the biggest.

[Kylie Brakeman]

If you could buy it on my Microsoft. That'd be huge.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Your podcast. Artists on artists on artists on artists. And thank you so much for joining us. We really appreciate it. You're so funny. So thank you so much.

[Kylie Brakeman]

Thanks for having me. It was a thrill. And I, I. Man, God bless America and the robots.

[Dave Anthony]

Yep. And France and oysters.

[Kylie Brakeman]

And the robots.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Some of these days you'll miss me, honey? Some of these days. Oh, hey there, doll heads. I'm calling on the Gare Force. That's right. You're the Gare Force. Listen, I got some stand Updates. Go to garethreynolds.com for tickets and information. I will be in Philadelphia at Helium December 27th, 28th, and 29th. New Year's. I'll be in Austin, Texas, at cap city comedy two. Two shows. Come get them. I'll be in Flappers, Burbank, California, January 4th, January 9th through January 11th, I'll be in Batavia, Illinois. I'll be in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. January 12th, I'll be at Acme in Minneapolis. January 15th through January 18th. February 7th, I'll be back out in Cali at the Brea Improv. Then San Francisco, February 12th, Sacramento, February 13th. And then Florida. You've begged for it. You're getting a show. March 24, I'll be in Naples, Florida, at Off the Hook. I'll be in Charlotte, April 13, Virginia Beach, April 15, Richmond, April 16, I'll be in Timonium, Maryland, on at Magoobies Jokehouse, April 17, April 18, April 19. And then Winnipeg. I'll be there May 29 through May 31. Go to GarethReynolds.com for tickets and information. I need you, Gear Force. You're my people. I love you. Come join me. Garethreynolds.com Kiss me.