102 - The Past Times with James Fritz

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds Episode 102: The Past Times with James Fritz Release Date: November 28, 2024

Hosts: Dave Anthony & Gareth Reynolds
Guest: James Fritz
Publisher: All Things Comedy

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I. Introduction and Welcome

In Episode 102 of The Dollop, hosts Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds welcome comedian James Fritz as their guest. The trio engages in lively banter, setting a humorous tone for the episode.

Notable Quote:

• Gareth Reynolds [00:34]: "I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before. And neither is our guest this week, James Fritz."

II. The Skunk Under the House Incident

The conversation kicks off with James sharing a bizarre incident involving skunks living under his house. They humorously recount how their eccentric producer blamed them for the skunks, leading to the eventual eviction and a three-week hiatus before moving into a new house.

Notable Quotes:

• James Fritz [02:21]: "We were out of the house for a month."
• Dave Anthony [03:02]: "Are you kidding?"
• James Fritz [04:18]: "If you fry it."

III. Game Segment: Guessing the Newspaper Year

The hosts introduce a game where they guess the publication year of the featured newspaper. Through playful competition, they determine that the newspaper is from 1921, discussing its significance and content.

Notable Quotes:

• Gareth Reynolds [05:26]: "Don't shy away from it."
• James Fritz [07:04]: "22,200."

IV. Newspaper Articles Discussed

A. The Execution of Serial Killer Landru

The primary article centers on the execution of French serial killer Landru, detailing the courtroom drama and public reaction.

Notable Quotes:

• Dave Anthony [08:38]: "Indescribable scenes arose in the courtroom at Versailles..."
• James Fritz [10:21]: "He was a serial killer."
• Gareth Reynolds [10:22]: "He was a serial killer."

B. 1921 Wheat Championship in Bozeman, Montana

Another feature highlights George Kraft's triumph in the 1921 Wheat Championship at the International Grain and Hay Show, surpassing J.C. Mitchell of Saskatchewan.

Notable Quotes:

• James Fritz [13:07]: "We went from serial killer to wheat."
• Gareth Reynolds [14:02]: "They're literally right next to each other."

C. Waco, Texas Christmas Cake Incident

A quirky story from Waco recounts how jailers discovered saws hidden within a Christmas cake sent to prisoners, blending humor with absurdity.

Notable Quotes:

• Dave Anthony [60:51]: "This is out of Waco, Texas."
• James Fritz [62:24]: "This is Scarborough stuff."

V. Fantasy Game Description: 1921 Basketball Game in Achille

The hosts creatively describe a fictional 1921 basketball game in Achille, Oklahoma, featuring players in outrageous costumes. Their vivid and humorous portrayal paints a chaotic yet entertaining picture of early basketball.

Notable Quotes:

• Gareth Reynolds [24:11]: "The first guy who dunked."
• James Fritz [26:31]: "She's probably trying to look up a lady's skirt."

VI. Modern Day RFK Jr. Reference

Transitioning to contemporary figures, the discussion touches on RFK Jr., humorously equating him with past presidents and fictional characters, adding a layer of satire to the historical commentary.

Notable Quotes:

• Gareth Reynolds [17:55]: "He's about to go wild."
• Dave Anthony [40:03]: "Add one pint of absolute faith in American institutions."

VII. Final Promotions and Wrap-up

As the episode concludes, James Fritz promotes his upcoming comedy shows at Lincoln Lodge in Chicago on December 6th, encouraging listeners to attend and support his performances. The hosts wrap up with their signature humor, reflecting on the episode's content.

Notable Quotes:

• James Fritz [63:04]: "It's gonna be a fun night."
• Gareth Reynolds [62:33]: "The show's ending."

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Conclusion: Episode 102 of The Dollop delivers a blend of historical anecdotes and improvised comedy, with James Fritz adding his unique flair to the hosts' dynamic. From skunk-induced evictions to whimsical 1921 basketball games, the episode offers a humorous exploration of quirky historical events, ensuring an engaging listen for both regular fans and newcomers.

Quotes Referenced Throughout the Episode:

• All quotes are attributed to the respective speakers with approximate timestamps for context.

Transcript

[Unknown Announcer]

Hey, comedy fans. The funniest comedians in the world are on tour, and you can get tickets to see them live near you. Laugh at the biggest names in comedy like Atsuko Okotsuka, Chelsea Handler, Corey Holcomb, Matt Matthews, Nurse John, Ralph Barboza, Ronnie Cheng, Sarah Silverman, Sebastian Maniscalco, Wanda Sykes, and so many more. All kinds of shows, all kinds of venues, all kinds of funny. Head to livenation.comcomedy to get your tickets today. That's livenation.comcomedy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, everybody. Welcome to the Pastimes podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before. And neither is our guest this week, James Fritz. James.

[James Fritz]

I've heard of newspapers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fan favorite, James.

[James Fritz]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Not host favorite.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Remember we had you back, like, right away, twice. It was absurd. People were like, stop. That's how much they love you. James, you are recording your special very shortly in Chicago on December 6th.

[James Fritz]

Correct.

[Gareth Reynolds]

People can go on your Instagram or your Twitter. Blue sky, are you still. Fritz is dead on all of those.

[James Fritz]

All of them except Blue sky. Because I'm trying to be more positive. It's just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fritz is alive. What is it?

[James Fritz]

Fritz is mid fr.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What it. What are you calling your special? Do you know?

[James Fritz]

I was thinking about calling it Old man yells at crowd, but I'm not sure. That might be a little too. For me, that's.

[Dave Anthony]

That's spot on. I went and saw James run his show a little practice run, and it was very funny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, James, we love definitely.

[Dave Anthony]

He's definitely going to be arrested.

[Gareth Reynolds]

James is so goddamn funny in a way that I think for our. It's our audience's sense of humor. So we highly recommend, if you're under five hours, no dummies, no dummies.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, go see him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That could be a good title, too.

[James Fritz]

Let's.

[Dave Anthony]

Let's just.

[James Fritz]

Yeah, but it's at the Lincoln Lodge in Chicago, so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Lincoln Lodge.com and 10pm Two shows now. Do you encourage people? Are you doing Twickets? Can people go see?

[James Fritz]

I don't know what that is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, James, listen. Our producer is a psychopath, but one thing he would not let go. He would not let go. The fact that we had to ask for a skunk update. Because the last time you were here, you were in Skunk County.

[Dave Anthony]

Skunks under the house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you were being blamed.

[James Fritz]

Oh, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

For the skunks.

[James Fritz]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, cuz.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So what ended up happening with that.

[James Fritz]

Oh, I forgot about. Yes, the landlord said our producer did. Were you throwing a party late the night before that could have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[James Fritz]

Irritated the skunks that we allowed to live under your house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's how it works.

[James Fritz]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

So what was the conclusion?

[James Fritz]

Apparently, and walk down the street. I didn't know that they finally got them out. And then we. It took us another three weeks before we could move into the house because we had to share it.

[Dave Anthony]

Are you kidding?

[James Fritz]

Dude, I found out there was different. I don't know. There's different kinds of skunk sprays apparently. This was not like, are you doing this? I know, I know. Skunk. This was a smell. I think I mentioned, like, the firefighters came by because, like, it smelled that toxic. And they were like. They were like, we had to evacuate the house at 5:30.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God.

[James Fritz]

Oh, yeah, dude. Like, you couldn't breathe. It felt like chemical warfare. And like, the firemen showed up all being like, oh, look at this little pussy. He called us because of a skunk. He's like, we get calls about skunks all the time. He walked into the house and ran out in 10 seconds and was like, you can't live here. And I'm like, I know.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God.

[James Fritz]

We were. We were out of the house for a month.

[Dave Anthony]

Where did you live?

[James Fritz]

With friends.

[Dave Anthony]

Friends.

[James Fritz]

Dave, you know, friends. They're people you have long relationships with.

[Dave Anthony]

No care for.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dave is. No, I don't.

[Dave Anthony]

No. But did. Did everything smell when you came back?

[James Fritz]

Like, well, thank God it wasn't winter. Like, completely thank God. You know? But yeah, we had to leave the windows open. Clean all the. Clean all the floors with, like, ammonia.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Will you ever eat skunk again?

[James Fritz]

If you fry it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey. Okay. All right, good.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, that's a terrible story.

[James Fritz]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There you go. Burns, our producer. Now shut up.

[Dave Anthony]

But the craziest thing is that you didn't put it in your act, which it makes me wonder if you're a good comedian.

[James Fritz]

Oh, you want me to do animal humor?

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, I'm out of here.

[James Fritz]

I got ro. I got. I said, I have Rogan. After this, I'll. I save the animal stuff for road. These big. You ever see a skunk spray, man?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Have you ever eaten a wombat's butt?

[Dave Anthony]

Joe, some skunks smell worse than other skunks. Jamie, can you look that up? Is that.

[James Fritz]

Oh, yeah, that's the thing. Like, someone told me there were two. I think it was like a rape spray because it was like mating season. They have a separate.

[Dave Anthony]

Then it was Definitely your house.

[James Fritz]

Well, when the cat's away, by the way, special title.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Special title. Don't, don't shy away from it. All right, James. Well, you're. You're a returning champion. So you know what we're going to do? We're going to guess what year this paper is from. You get to go first. I'm not going to get into why, but there's been some.

[James Fritz]

Sounds like you are getting into it. You're implying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no.

[Dave Anthony]

Why don't you go first, cry baby. Yeah, you go cry. Cry it up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go ahead.

[Dave Anthony]

What's your little. What's your little cry baby?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what? We could do J camera too.

[James Fritz]

Good. I see your. I can see your eyes watering. Go ahead, say your little number.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I have. I have skunks. We could. We could go at the same time. That's never happened.

[James Fritz]

Oh, okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Want to do that?

[James Fritz]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. Let's pick a year each in our head. You know it. 1700, 1800, 1900 is possible.

[James Fritz]

Okay, so not the future.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you can do the future. It's just.

[Dave Anthony]

Do the future. I mean.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, please do the future. I'll lose my mind if you do.

[James Fritz]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. On the count of three, let's say a year. 1, 2, 3. 2, 2, 35.

[Dave Anthony]

James wins.

[Gareth Reynolds]

2, 2, 2, 2, 2.

[James Fritz]

All twos, baby. Twos all the way down.

[Dave Anthony]

Did you do four twos or five twos?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think you did four. I might have said five.

[James Fritz]

It's five now. I'm an optimist. We're going to be around as a planet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, so, Dave, what was it? Is it the year 2000?

[James Fritz]

22,200.

[Gareth Reynolds]

22,200? Yes. Or 1935?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, it's 1921, so.

[James Fritz]

John, closer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's crazy.

[James Fritz]

Yeah, that's how time works.

[Dave Anthony]

Did you, Gareth, did you have any twos in your guess?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Dave Anthony]

And James, did you have any twos in your guess?

[James Fritz]

I had hella twos, Dave.

[Dave Anthony]

And the answer has how many twos?

[James Fritz]

I forgot already.

[Dave Anthony]

1921. So it's one, two. So James wins.

[James Fritz]

Yep. That's how the game is played.

[Dave Anthony]

It isn't December 9, 1921, it's a Friday. It is the Achille Press in Achille, Oklahoma.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[James Fritz]

Achille, like the heel. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean it's a C, H I L L E. So that's a killy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, strange.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've just never heard it. The singulars.

[James Fritz]

It was founded by a one legged man. Oklahoma.

[Dave Anthony]

Probably a keel knowing that, but who cares? Because Oklahoma. Fuck off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure. Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Also, you can see us there. We'll be there in March.

[James Fritz]

Fuck.

[Dave Anthony]

On Tulsa.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's how you promote.

[James Fritz]

Yeah. Make them want it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Neglect.

[James Fritz]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Let's go. The Kill achilles press page one to die on the guillotine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow, that's nice for 1921.

[James Fritz]

A haiku.

[Dave Anthony]

This is out of Paris, France. It is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Guillotine, huh?

[James Fritz]

All the way from Paris to Oklahoma. This story.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Indescribable scenes arose in the courtroom at Versailles when the jury returned its verdict condemning Landru, the French Bluebeard to the guillotine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You said 1921. Or did you say 1421?

[Dave Anthony]

I said 1921.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[James Fritz]

Wait. Is that two names or, like a stage name?

[Dave Anthony]

I am. I. I bet it's. I bet it's a real name. It's probably just his last name. Four women fainted and many others rushed forward trying to get to the prisoner. When they heard the verdict, Landru, when he. Sorry, I. I just.

[James Fritz]

It's fun.

[Dave Anthony]

I gave him a different pronoun. When he heard the verdict, Landru rose from his chair impassively and bowed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Was it a bow or is it.

[James Fritz]

His head readying French till the end?

[Gareth Reynolds]

He twirled his mustache and took a big drag off of a goulois.

[James Fritz]

I bid you adieu.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Farewell. Salut. Salut. Salut.

[James Fritz]

She's probably trying to look up a lady's skirt.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, come on. I'm a damn. One more beaver sniff before I go to the sky.

[James Fritz]

It's smelling salt. No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, trust me. Bluebeard knows what the ocean smells like.

[Dave Anthony]

He said nothing as he was led away in the midst of a torrent of mingled applause and hisses.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Imagine clapping.

[James Fritz]

Imagine hissing.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, he was a serial killer. He was a serial killer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He was a serial killer. Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, he was a serial killer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Let's see.

[James Fritz]

But he only killed French people.

[Dave Anthony]

He's seven. Seven women. But the true victim numbers suspected to be higher. So. Yeah.

[James Fritz]

Oh, man. They've always done that then, huh? Cops, they're just like, yeah, we'll pin the rest on this guy. Yeah. There's more.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah, sure. There's a lot more. Oh, yeah. Four kids and a wife.

[James Fritz]

Wow. What's wrong, by the way?

[Gareth Reynolds]

When are we gonna start talking about the men?

[James Fritz]

Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's always women and children.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, one of his kids.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello.

[Dave Anthony]

One of his kids was arrested for. And his wife for complicity in thefts from his victim. So it's a family job.

[James Fritz]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sort of. They just were like, okay. Dad. Like, what would you do if my dad was a murderer?

[James Fritz]

I'd be like, yeah, he holds up six severed heads and like, you guys coming with me tonight?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah. Who wants to go to Six Flags?

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, you know, you. A lot of kids follow their parent into their profession.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you suggesting that I killed someone? And if it is what you're suggesting. Are you suggesting that it's someone that you know well? And if it is, are you suggesting that I killed your dad?

[Dave Anthony]

Yes and no.

[James Fritz]

Let's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Would you be upset if I killed your dad?

[Dave Anthony]

Yes. I love my father more than anything in this world. He was my hero.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you think I took him? You think I took him from you?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, he was. Yeah, I do. I think he took my dad, and I think he was my hero in his prime, my everything. He was my world. My daddy was my world.

[James Fritz]

Oh, wait, wait. He's your world. He's your world. Wait, I got the next question. Dave, do you like the world?

[Dave Anthony]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It drank too much and brought a date to Thanksgiving. Hold on, James. You've just. You've just got to see.

[Dave Anthony]

You've got to see.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just when we talk about losing a legend.

[James Fritz]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

That's my dad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what I'm saying?

[James Fritz]

He looks like he ate Colonel Sanders.

[Dave Anthony]

Gareth is showing a picture. How red is my dad, though?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is it matters? How white are you?

[James Fritz]

I'm red as. Like, I'm from the south, and that's the reddest man I've ever seen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It looks like if a pimple became Scottish and drank.

[James Fritz]

The bloody Q tip.

[Dave Anthony]

He's Irish. He's Irish.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, whatever. Okay. By the way, great opening for an Oklahoma paper. Yeah, What a str. I get it, cuz you are like, that's nuts. But also, like, you got anything all.

[James Fritz]

The way from France.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, you want some local news?

[James Fritz]

Yeah, I love local news. You know what? It starts local, I always say, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right.

[Dave Anthony]

Got wheat championship.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go back to international.

[James Fritz]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Bozeman, Montana, man. It's 10,000 prize.

[James Fritz]

We went from serial killer to wheat.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, that's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's Bozeman. Bozeman News.

[Dave Anthony]

They're literally right next to each other.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's very true. Next door.

[James Fritz]

What are we going to talk about? Bose women. I'm sorry, I'll leave.

[Dave Anthony]

Thank you. America rested the wheat championship from Canada when George Kraft, Bozeman, Montana, was crowned 1921 wheat king at the International Grain and Hay Show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. I. By the way, the Grain and Hay show is really.

[Dave Anthony]

It's a rich no, it's great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And who are you wearing?

[James Fritz]

Yeah, people come. People come for the grain, but they stay for the hay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right.

[Dave Anthony]

That's right. Kraft takes the title from J.C. mitchell of Saskatchewan, who had it for two years.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Made up place loser.

[Dave Anthony]

Two years.

[James Fritz]

Two years.

[Dave Anthony]

Dude. Went back to back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, still usa, baby.

[James Fritz]

Wait, what is the contest? What do they do to win?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ, James. It's a grain off, okay?

[Dave Anthony]

The wheat championship.

[James Fritz]

Do they dress in grains or like.

[Dave Anthony]

He'S the wheat champion.

[James Fritz]

Does he. Does he put on like a play about wheat or does he just grow the most.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Talking about they got the most amount of it that they could just think, why don't you step. No.

[James Fritz]

All right.

[Dave Anthony]

Mitchell was. Mitchell was the runner up this year. Crafts wheat tested 63.6 pounds to the bushel. And Mitchell's wheat tested 64.7 pounds. The smaller kernels giving the greater weight.

[James Fritz]

It's like a fishing competition.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is it?

[Dave Anthony]

They're weighing the wheat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is it a timed event with a bushel? Or is it just who has the most ambitious bushel?

[Dave Anthony]

I think it's the. I think it's the most weight per bushel.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But what. But couldn't you just make a big bushel?

[James Fritz]

I like a big bushel.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is it becoming obvious that this podcast hates the farmers?

[James Fritz]

Maybe I'm old school, but I love a big bushel.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll tell you What, I like those 70s bushels.

[James Fritz]

Yeah, nice 70s bushes. You get that?

[Dave Anthony]

Exhibitors pointed with pro.

[James Fritz]

I didn't say dad, don't be mad.

[Dave Anthony]

Both involved.

[Gareth Reynolds]

J. James was saying it. He's drinking boo.

[James Fritz]

My daddy was a pervert. I'm sorry.

[Dave Anthony]

Said that with way too much joy. Canadian exhibitors pointed with pride to the fact that the winning wheat was grown in the Gallatin Valley of Montana from part of a prize sample grown by Uyghur Seager Wheeler of Canada.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Weger. Seager Wheeler Wheeler.

[James Fritz]

I saw them open for Steeler's Wheel.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, this is like a foreign language.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, that's what Bob Seager called his bus.

[Dave Anthony]

But it's more importantly, it's a foreign language that you don't care about.

[James Fritz]

Yeah, it's not on dual lingo. It's on donalingo. Am I Right, folks? December 6th, Lincoln Lodge, two shows.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, this is exciting. John Lucas is again the holder of the grand championship oats sweepstakes. The oats weighed 60. 46.4 pounds to the bushel.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's absolutely a lot of. Is a big amount.

[Dave Anthony]

And I guess you guys are asking about the corn, I mean.

[James Fritz]

Yeah, I was thinking it. Thank you.

[Dave Anthony]

J.W. workman of Maxwell, Illinois, won the corn sweepstakes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of course. A workman.

[James Fritz]

Okay. JW Workman.

[Gareth Reynolds]

JW Workman.

[James Fritz]

Lazy is this novelist that's like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's like. When I bought weed from John Q. Nautica.

[Dave Anthony]

He was. His was declared by the judges to be the best exhibited in history, winning over 15,000 corn growers.

[James Fritz]

The.

[Dave Anthony]

Does that mean. I have no idea what any of this means.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's really crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

And farmers. The dollop is now at war with farmers.

[James Fritz]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just like the country.

[James Fritz]

Wait, even. Even small. Small farmers?

[Dave Anthony]

You betcha. Especially small farmers.

[James Fritz]

All three of them. There you go.

[Dave Anthony]

Yep. Yep. That's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're a Monsanto, bro.

[Dave Anthony]

Big Monsanto broadcast. Yeah, we love that.

[James Fritz]

I mean, you know. Well, RFK Jr. Is going to take care of all of it, don't you guys?

[Dave Anthony]

Hell yeah, he is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's about to go wild.

[James Fritz]

Who is that? You're doing okay. The guy with a frog.

[Dave Anthony]

That was Nixon.

[James Fritz]

Oh, yeah. I thought it was a really good show. I thought it was that guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah, yeah. RFK Jr. Yeah. That's good. That's good.

[James Fritz]

Ladies and gentlemen, the Beatles.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, just to be clear, you're here solo. Ed Sullivan is Richard Nixon.

[James Fritz]

No, that was RFK Jr. Oh, okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right. Gotta let people know that Nixon hosted a talk show after he left the White House.

[James Fritz]

We got a really big show. All right. That's how I'm going to pad the hour. I'm going to do my RFK. Yeah. For 10 minutes. Check it out. Chicago, December 6th. Two shows.

[Dave Anthony]

Two shows to observe Live at Home week. Live at Home week will probably.

[James Fritz]

Way back then, wasn't that most weeks.

[Dave Anthony]

Live at Home week probably will be observed in Oklahoma within the near future. It was announced by J. A. Whitehurst, President of the State Board of Agriculture. The movement originated last year by Whitehurst, has spread to many Southern states and is being observed this fall. It is probable that Governor Robertson soon will issue a proclamation urging the observance. The purpose of the movement is to encourage the growing of table essentials at home and the patronizing of home products.

[James Fritz]

Just another lockdown. They're forcing.

[Dave Anthony]

They want me to stay at home for a week.

[James Fritz]

I'm gonna get my kid polio.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, I don't even know what to say about this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't get it. It's just trying to get people to grow. It's very. It's very agrarian.

[James Fritz]

Well. And not to speak ill of my People. But I'm not shocked that sitting at home for a week spread to the South.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're like, I mean, the south took.

[James Fritz]

To it like a duck to water. Lazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I love the idea.

[James Fritz]

South is great. I'm just trying to appease these west coast people.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, this is what AI says.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're trying to get people to your show in Chicago from the South.

[Dave Anthony]

This is what AI says, which is, I guess what comes up when I search now.

[James Fritz]

Can't turn it off. We all love it.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I love it so much. A stay at home week refers to a period of seven days where someone deliberately chooses to spend most or all of their time at home. Not going out to work, school, or other social engagement.

[James Fritz]

The governor declares a state of depression mandatory malaise.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ah. I love it.

[James Fritz]

I would love that if it was like, you have. Just. Because it removes the guilt. You're just like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It really was. What, like when. I mean, during 2020 or whatever. I was like, I left the house so little. Recognized my privilege, but was also like, boy, this is pretty good. I was eating bats. I was like, let's get another one cooking.

[James Fritz]

And no one was posting crowd work videos. You didn't have to compare yourself to anyone else's career. It was like the career.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Have a good podcast, boys. Have a good podcast.

[James Fritz]

Not you. Not you. No, Matt R. The bad you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, bad.

[James Fritz]

Wait, can you sue Matt R. I for stealing your essence? Allah Dane Cook.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, what did Cook accused Steve burn?

[James Fritz]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do it to rife.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Waiting outside of his show to subpoena him.

[James Fritz]

You're good at crowd work and you're handsome and you've had minimal face work. He's bad at crowd work. Weird looking. I think you've got a case.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm gonna redo my jaw. That's.

[James Fritz]

That's what I start with, the jaw. They say stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Yes.

[James Fritz]

Just get that mandible going first.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go big.

[James Fritz]

Yeah.

[Unknown Announcer]

Hey, comedy fans. The funniest comedians in the world are on tour, and you can get tickets to see them live near you. Laugh at the biggest names in comedy like Atsuko Okatsuka, Chelsea Handler, Corey Holcomb, Matt Matthews, Nurse John, Ralph Barboza, Ronnie Chang, Sarah Silverman, Sebastian Maniscalco, Wanda Sykes, and so many more. All kinds of shows, all kinds of venues, all kinds of funny. Head to livenation.comcomedy to get your tickets today. That's livenation.comcomedy.

[James Fritz]

Okay, sorry.

[Dave Anthony]

So I don't know what to say about this. Last Saturday was the first opportunity this editor had of seeing a game of basketball.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. Holy shit. Can you imagine being invited to a sport the first time? And it's fucking. You're like, wow. Who came up with this? Milton Bradley.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, well, imagine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Imagine, like. Imagine unveiling it like it is your hour. Like, guys, I'm working on a game.

[Dave Anthony]

It was invented in 1891, I was gonna say.

[James Fritz]

Yeah. Naismith was. Yeah. Late 1800s. So that's 30 years.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[James Fritz]

And he invented it in Canada. Right. So it probably took that long.

[Dave Anthony]

Did he?

[James Fritz]

I believe. But I'm wrong about a lot of things.

[Dave Anthony]

What a fucking asshole. Why wouldn't you invent it here?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, don't worry, don't worry, don't worry. We got them grain wise. Let them have their little. They could suck our grain dick.

[Dave Anthony]

The game was underway when we reached the ground. And the players were the boys. Second nine of Achille and the first nine of Bushnell. So it's town v Town. Is a serious game.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Absolutely.

[Dave Anthony]

Judging from the costumes, Warren, and the costumes, exceedingly cold.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Insane. I'm going as an astronaut.

[James Fritz]

The first guy who dunked.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Davy Crockett passes it to the astronaut. The man dressed like a big cat tosses it to the Rice Krispie guy. Rice Krispie guy. Dribble, dribble, dribble. Back to the astronaut. Astronaut's got it. He's taking the shot. Clocks down to three. Two passes to the big cat. The big cat dunks it.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, that was a great. And now the guy who's in a windstorm is taking it out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Timeout. Coach Octopus calls a timeout. He wants to talk it over with his boys, see what's going on over there. Maybe he could draw something up.

[Dave Anthony]

Man dressed up like a referee is waving them over.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll tell you what. Letting the other team dress up like referees was a bad decision. This game is absolute pandemonium.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, I've got a technical.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Keep in mind I'm just a little boy with a deep voice.

[James Fritz]

I've been smoking since I was 2.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've been smoking since I was 2 years old. I just thought this was a place to get candy. And here we are. I'm not even talking into a microphone. This is a big novelty lollipop.

[James Fritz]

Oh, man. See, you should always do material. You don't need to riff.

[Dave Anthony]

No, you just riff with the crowd. You can just talk to the crowd.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[James Fritz]

God damn. Coach Octopus got me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Coach Octopus wants to talk it over with his squad.

[James Fritz]

Calling timeout with eight hours.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, he's Trying to try to draw it up on the. But accidentally keeps erasing it with one of his tentacles.

[James Fritz]

Oh, man.

[Dave Anthony]

Judging from the costumes worn and the exceedingly cold, windy and disagreeable weather we first.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. I pictured it inside.

[Dave Anthony]

No, it's not inside.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That makes the costumes even funnier.

[James Fritz]

We're still figuring it out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The cat's having a lot of trouble seeing the rain is really welling up those iPads. It doesn't even look like Santa Claus is going to see any playing time this game. He is sopping over there. His beard's off.

[James Fritz]

That's a heavy costume in this weather, boys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Heavy costume.

[Dave Anthony]

We first imagined the inmates of the Home for the Mentally Afflicted had escaped and had taken a keel. Boy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nice opener, editor.

[Dave Anthony]

But we later learned that that was the customary decorations, or lack of decorations, usually worn. Stop calling him now.

[James Fritz]

He' call him decoration.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is he talking about?

[James Fritz]

The word uniform? Did the word uniform not exist in this area?

[Dave Anthony]

He doesn't know what it. He doesn't know what a uniform is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I understand maybe waiting on basketball, but not understanding what? Like the same outfit.

[James Fritz]

There were wars before this game.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look at these guys parading around in their soldier costumes.

[Dave Anthony]

They're out there in small drapes or whatever you call it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Boy, this is embarrassing. They're all wearing the same ensemble.

[James Fritz]

I wouldn't be caught dead looking like another man, much less four, which a lot of them will be in this cold.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look at them dribbling that strange globe.

[James Fritz]

What is that? A weird triangle we don't have a word. I don't know circle? I don't know uniform. There's certain words I will never grasp.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm starting to think people will realize I'm fully an alien who ate a.

[James Fritz]

Man and I bring you basketball.

[Dave Anthony]

Anyway, they're throwing the rounded square at.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Each other one more time. Another number on the board means nothing to me. I no clue what that is, but they seem to be changing shapes on the big light board.

[James Fritz]

They seem to count in some sort of logical order. I know. The universe is full of variants. These numbers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The zebra men are talking again.

[Dave Anthony]

They're bouncing the rounded square on the floor apart.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. Oh, my God. I really thought you were reading. Swear to God, I was like Jesus.

[Dave Anthony]

The less the adornment, the greater the observation on the part of the audience. The game was a defeat for Achilles.

[James Fritz]

Can you read that sentence?

[Dave Anthony]

11 to 2.

[James Fritz]

Read that sentence.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. The less, the less. So he's talking about the decorations. The less the adornment, the greater the Observation on the part of the audience.

[James Fritz]

That's one of the worst written sentences I've ever heard in my life.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is a mystery.

[Dave Anthony]

I think he's saying they're not wearing very much and it's cold out and the less they wear, the more it gives people more ability to watch it, to see it. They can see the game better if you have less on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll tell you what, I'd love this game if these fellows were all naked. They'd get a real Bronx cheer out here in Achilles in this weather, I'd.

[James Fritz]

Have the biggest penis in town. I like seeing athletes who shade me body wise in cold weather. So I feel good. I'm an announcer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll tell you what, Jim. I wish these guys just had their penises flopping into one another.

[James Fritz]

Well, wait till summer basketball.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know if I legally will be allowed to.

[Dave Anthony]

So the game was a defeat for Achille with a score of 11 to 2.

[James Fritz]

11. What a match. 11 to 2, 2.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They haven't scored a basket for an hour. It's fucking pathetic.

[James Fritz]

It's like early Duke basketball.

[Dave Anthony]

On the next court with the Bushnell and Achille girl nines. The score was 11 to 0 in favor of Achilles.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ.

[Dave Anthony]

We were told it was a beautiful game, but the most beauty we saw and could understand was the girls from Bushnell, who were certainly peaches in quotations and their demeanor was ladylike throughout. They failed to score, but we would like to.

[James Fritz]

They apologized every time they made a basket.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sorry, sorry. The men are still better even though they won. Sorry.

[James Fritz]

The men scored two. They won 11 to 0.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Give it up for your Achille men's basketball team. And also these girls did something and.

[James Fritz]

They double did double duty as cheerleaders for the boys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on, girls, cheer, cheer, cheer. Don't be afraid. All the boys are naked. It helped get the crowd on their side.

[Dave Anthony]

They failed to score, but we would like to see them here again so that we might attend another beautiful game.

[James Fritz]

No, it's beautiful now.

[Dave Anthony]

It's beautiful.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's creepy.

[Dave Anthony]

Following that game, the Kellera boys first nine and the first nine of a keel went into action. Each team bedecked in the least possible amount of clothing to get by in a semi barbarious country.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's going on? What's going on with this guy wanting them to not have clothes on? I mean, I guess we should just take a minute, like a minute and just be like. It's nice that the women. He wasn't like, get him Naked?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[James Fritz]

Oh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's do tops only for the girls.

[James Fritz]

This man who's obsessed with fashion wasn't into the women. Trying to. I'm shocked. They just. They just didn't have like a fashion critic in newspapers at this time yet. But he's like, get out game. And I'm gonna nail it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. He makes a sign. Let's see their penises.

[James Fritz]

So who are you wearing?

[Dave Anthony]

But he just keeps reading the sign like that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Boys should be nude.

[Dave Anthony]

We can see your sign.

[James Fritz]

Jeff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you. We're all saying the same thing.

[Dave Anthony]

We're not. You're just reading the sign you made.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let the boys run into each other. Crutch first.

[Dave Anthony]

How many signs do you have?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's bruise those balls.

[James Fritz]

Can you. Can you stop calling the uniforms outfits?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just lose. The best way to do that is to get them off the boys. Let's see the dongs. I've got somewhere I'd like to score.

[Dave Anthony]

He's like Bob Dylan out there in the video.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Now come on. Let's see the dongs. Let's have a sniff of the penis. Let's see the balls bounce. Not the one in their hands.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. You're not allowed at the games anymore.

[James Fritz]

Can you at least read the girls score?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah. One number to six. Spread their butts too. Come on. I think the boys are cheating. Have them spread their what for contraband.

[Dave Anthony]

The press can recommend the game as one possessing much. That is commendable. And especially the scope of exercise and head work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got some head work for the boys team.

[James Fritz]

Get out of here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's in like that bush outfit the guy used to wear on the. To catch a predators. He's just out in the woods. Just like. They can't kick me out.

[James Fritz]

But it's like an amalgamation of all the outfits. Like one arm's a kitty.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is that a cat?

[James Fritz]

Octopus. Astronaut.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Santa. Santa with a Santa beard.

[Dave Anthony]

The edition was called to the residence of J.C. bain Monday evening and was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Presented with initials in a last name.

[James Fritz]

There's been four JC but that's.

[Dave Anthony]

It's like their version of what the New York Times does where they call everybody mister. But he uses.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, I thought you're gonna say lies.

[Dave Anthony]

It's. It's a style, man. It's a style.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. Cool.

[Dave Anthony]

To the residence of J.C. bain Monday evening. And was presented with a fine mess of spare ribs.

[James Fritz]

Wa.

[Dave Anthony]

Wait.

[James Fritz]

The tone of this writer completely changed. With fine mess of spare rib. It's like a fucking southerner Editor took over the last line of it's like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If Golden Corral had a paper like, this is what your menu is. Do you hear the news?

[James Fritz]

It doubles as a bib. It's a big paper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just like what you're reading under your rib pile. Interesting. Uncle Jim, we won the weed Olympics.

[Dave Anthony]

Uncle Jim has killed three hogs so far this season, and they were as fine as any we have seen.

[James Fritz]

Oh, this is like the worst band song ever. Uncle Jim has killed three hogs and it's the worst we've seen. I think the band just read old newspapers and wrote.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is imagine someone figuring that out like they're in a room, like, hold on, wait. Put this paper up.

[James Fritz]

Virgil Kane was a name and served on the family train. That works.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Demanded the men's basketball team have less decorations.

[James Fritz]

The man of the men's team had less decorations. Down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. Every band.

[James Fritz]

Here comes Santa Octopus blowing whistles at the zebras. They're blowing them back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bluebeard on the guillotine.

[James Fritz]

God, I love the band. They're stupid as.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Yeah. The donation to this scribe was not a surprise as we had been anticipating such a treat as we well knew his generous disposition. But we nevertheless are thankful for the eats.

[James Fritz]

The eats?

[Dave Anthony]

That's just a article.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a crazy.

[James Fritz]

This guy grew up to start Arby's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it is a crazy article.

[James Fritz]

Yeah. Manic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A guy problematic and manic.

[Dave Anthony]

One more for the clan.

[James Fritz]

And still. Oh, the worst band song. The Night They Drove a Dixie down was enough.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But yeah.

[James Fritz]

One more for the clan.

[Dave Anthony]

What?

[James Fritz]

A covered rib.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fingerprints. Ted, did you eat your supper in your clan outfit?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, but that's just because this is like a napkin. You just go ahead and wipe the hands off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think I covered in Cheetos.

[James Fritz]

Well, I won Halloween basketball, so I got all these spare ribs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm just coming from a game they wouldn't let me play because of the connotation.

[Dave Anthony]

But it's a great costume.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's what I said. Plus, I believe his watch should be in charge of everything. All right, we're good.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're good. What?

[Dave Anthony]

Illicit liquor dealer and the recently organized Ku Klux Klan are enemies?

[James Fritz]

Oh, man, I wish I miss when the words recently organized described the clan. Yeah. Remember when the clan was fresh?

[Dave Anthony]

Get your fresh clan here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Back when you're like, this won't last.

[James Fritz]

Right? Right.

[Dave Anthony]

This is evidenced by the action of both parties in this locality. Since the clan mailed letters to several alleged bootleggers, their preparations to leave this section have been evidenced and scarcely any drunken parties have been arrested by the police department. Said the since the organization of the Klan.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So it's also.

[James Fritz]

It's also back when the Klan could write letters.

[Dave Anthony]

Dear sir.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now they're just like, hit me up at K man.

[James Fritz]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

From reports the great majority of the city of Wilson is behind the action of the Klan in ousting the law breaking element from this community.

[James Fritz]

Just to clarify, we support the clan.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look, I mean, that is amazing. When the clan is like your. Your Batman. You're just like, thank God. Bad clan. Thank God you're here. Yeah.

[James Fritz]

He opens up his closet, there's 30 robes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This life chose me.

[James Fritz]

I started the clan because my daddy thrived. And he killed. He killed a street. A man on the street. And I watched it. And I was like, I. I do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That father kills someone's parents in front of me. And I knew I needed a life of taking those less privileged than I and making their lives worse. You sure?

[Dave Anthony]

What?

[James Fritz]

I'm a superhero.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on. I'm the good guy.

[Dave Anthony]

Beard Scoutmaster Recipe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Beer.

[Dave Anthony]

Beard.

[James Fritz]

Thanks for giving everyone my password. I use for everything.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Beard. By the way, if Beard Scoutmaster recipe was a website, you would never hit. Jump to recipe. Faster. Boy, this guy's really going on a manifesto up top here. Hey. Jump to recipe. And another thing men should be able to live with, boy. All right, skip to jump to that recipe.

[Dave Anthony]

A bowl full of unbounded love for boys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What the. What.

[James Fritz]

What the fuck is happening?

[Dave Anthony]

That could go so many ways that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm going one way, and it's troubling.

[James Fritz]

My God. Trump's cabinet is out of control.

[Dave Anthony]

Add one pint of absolute faith in American institutions.

[James Fritz]

Oh, no.

[Dave Anthony]

Mix it with.

[James Fritz]

Oh, I hate this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Honey. Do we have any more faith in American institutions? In the cabinet I see cardamom, dill.

[James Fritz]

I can mix it with some water to make it last longer, but it ain't gonna be as thick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We don't have a lot of these.

[Dave Anthony]

Mix it with a cupful of milk of human kindness.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Honey.

[James Fritz]

Who milks the human?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've milked the human did it. That's shower.

[James Fritz]

That's some kind human.

[Dave Anthony]

Add two teacupfuls of American pioneer blood.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll be back.

[Dave Anthony]

One tablespoon of thrills. One tablespoon of Indian traditions. Tea cup full of the vigor and grit of the puritans.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

A teacupful of the chivalry of the cavaliers. A court of the idealism of throw. One heaping cupful of sentiment. The whole seasoned well with patriotism, character, grit, and hardship stir with the golden rules. Sprinkle well with the stars and stripes and serve hot.

[James Fritz]

Dave, I've heard that you got mixed up. This is actually Joe Scarboro's opening monologue today.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You just take it out of the oven and it's Josh Hawley. Scarborough's on fire. It's the greatest.

[James Fritz]

Their relationship is so hot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is hot. It is hot.

[James Fritz]

So normal and hot and beautiful.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, he didn't. He didn't kill an intern.

[James Fritz]

No, Dave, I said he did.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Point.

[James Fritz]

No, I said he didn't kill it. She didn't help.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you mean he didn't kill an intern?

[Dave Anthony]

How did he dead in it? The inter was just dead in his office.

[James Fritz]

He didn't care. We've all walked into a room and a dead woman's just there.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[James Fritz]

That we have the key. That we have the keys to.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[James Fritz]

And when it happens, you go, you tell the cops, whoopsie daisy. Scarborough Country. And you get. And it's fine. Every man gets one. Scarborough Country.

[Dave Anthony]

That's right.

[James Fritz]

No man is an island. Every man is a. Scarborough Country.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm saying he didn't kill her.

[James Fritz]

He didn't do it. Don't Google it deeply.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm googling it and it says that Trump promotes it. So you guys are with Trump. Thank you. Yeah, Case. Case dismissed. Thank you.

[James Fritz]

Oh, you believe in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She had a heart condition. She passed out and hit her head on her heart. It says very clearly she was not struck by another person. The Scarborough Fed. Fed.

[James Fritz]

You said it all there. Yeah. It happened in Florida. I'm sure it was.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[James Fritz]

Really investigated.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can I just tell you, Trump's tweet just again, it's horrible to have him back, but man, he really.

[James Fritz]

It's just my man, he really can.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The man is. He's. It's like a bunch of slogans put on an orange suit. Quote, should open up a long overdue Florida cold case against psycho Joe Scarborough.

[James Fritz]

Wait, is that new? Is that new? Oh, fuck. That would got me way too excited.

[Dave Anthony]

I agree with that.

[James Fritz]

Yeah, Yeah. I mean, you know, he's. Sometimes the psycho says the right thing. Like the Bushes did. He killed the Bush family, you know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[James Fritz]

And that guy didn't murder that girl. Anyway.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, He's a murderer.

[James Fritz]

Well, I mean, he's a great. He's such a good broadcaster. He gets one murder.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, you get one.

[James Fritz]

John Stewart rule.

[Dave Anthony]

Wednesday was hog killing day again. And many porkers lives were sacrificed to furnish eating for those who raised them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Some people ate bacon, you know. Here's what I regret saying is let's leave France for some Oklahoma news. It seems like since then everything's been psychotic, Right?

[James Fritz]

As opposed to the sanity of the serial killer whose family was involved with it. That made sense before we got into basketball.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was a horrendous story, at least. I was like, I relate to this. This I've seen, right?

[James Fritz]

And I've seen basketball. But what that man described was not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I've never watched a basketball. Like, it'd be so great to walk into a basketball game and tap a guy on the shoulder and be like, why are they so all decorated with their costumes? This boys are heavy. Wouldn't the boys play a little better if they had less decoration? Just as you push a hot dog into the side of your head and.

[James Fritz]

Your hair came out till you. Till the tone starts.

[Dave Anthony]

Bob Williams was not a very corpulent person. In fact, if he were stood up for a target, it would take a practiced sharpshooter to hit him nice. But he has a very large and generous heart. As the donation of fresh sausage he brought to the press office this morning will verify.

[James Fritz]

America is so violent. They're describing a nice guy and they have to start with, like, dreaming of how he. His potential murder. That wouldn't happen. I didn't know where that story was going. Like, he's not a fat man and if you try to kill him, you'll miss because he gave biscuits to a child.

[Gareth Reynolds]

His redemptive. His redemptive quality is pork based food. Yeah, but you know what? We can't stay mad at this potential murderer. He brought a bunch of sausages over. Do you think we're gonna be around in a hundred years?

[James Fritz]

He won't be around, honey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The sausage givers here did that guy murder. Oh, never mind.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, you can't shoot him.

[James Fritz]

He's the sausage guy.

[Dave Anthony]

The press editor has requested to locate a widow who desires to marry for a recipe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Fritz]

Nothing else. Nothing else.

[Dave Anthony]

That's all normal. It's all above board.

[James Fritz]

The editor of the paper is just looking for a woman.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A widowed woman.

[James Fritz]

A widowed woman, you know, a damaged, sad lady.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She needs it.

[James Fritz]

She needs me.

[Dave Anthony]

I want a crying woman to fuck.

[James Fritz]

I don't have any ulterior motives. I'm just writing about ham.

[Dave Anthony]

The applicant is a widower without encumbrance, but owns a team and says he can make a good living for her, which is more than some married ones are doing for their wives.

[James Fritz]

Jesus Christ, just talk to the gal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[James Fritz]

Why are you putting this in the paper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm ordering a widow from the paper.

[James Fritz]

This is Elon Musk level.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll give her money.

[James Fritz]

Must buying Twitter to like just get his message out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm looking for a wife without widowed.

[James Fritz]

Please.

[Dave Anthony]

Please, don't crowd, but form a single file while we take your name and accomplishments.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The idea that there's going to be a lot of women like, oh, this sounds great. And not like a murder.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, lock the doors, boys. We put the ad out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How many are waiting outside?

[Dave Anthony]

This is an ad. Chickens. I want a card load of chickens with it within the next 10 days. I will pay 15 cents a pound.

[James Fritz]

What is this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

So the guy before wants a widow.

[James Fritz]

Wait, that sounds like a. Less like an ad and more like a. Like. Like a kidnappers rants like chickens. I want chickens. And in 10 days or they get a helicopter.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm gonna take the helicopter to the chickens to Rio. You see?

[Dave Anthony]

Or the widow gets it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I want an island where I can live with the chickens. Or I kill this woman whose husband passed.

[James Fritz]

Yeah, it's the. Yeah, the editor of the papers had his eye on her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's why I took her.

[James Fritz]

Get me those flightless birds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, and a bunch of ham. I want ham, chickens, a chopper, an island. Otherwise I kill this lady whose husband.

[James Fritz]

Left her and for some reason. Some hay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A little hay would be nice. Oh, hey.

[James Fritz]

Yeah, I don't know what hay does. Do you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The chopper can't take off. It's too heavy. Yeah, he asked for too many chickens.

[James Fritz]

Throw one of the lady basketballers out. They're worthless. All they do is. All they do is dominate on the court.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What about some of those boys? No, just their decorations should come off. That'll lighten the load. All right, so I just need a bunch of chickens, this naked men's basketball team, some hay, some ham, and an island destination. Otherwise, this lady who was once married but no longer is due to death, gets it.

[James Fritz]

And I'm crazy. Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I'm dead.

[Dave Anthony]

Actually. Yeah, actually. Hey, fellas. You guys are. No one's reading your paper because you're both insane. You're the worst editors. We don't understand what's happening over here.

[James Fritz]

Wait. No one is putting this paper out. We're writing it for nobody.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait a minute. Then what the hell is this? This is an article.

[James Fritz]

Oh, we've been transcribing dreams again, brother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is pretty existential right here.

[Dave Anthony]

Notice to the public. I have opened a repair shop for shoes, harnesses, and plumbing and soldering.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is the best part of the paper. So glad we got.

[James Fritz]

Everything is a everything. Every ad is a confession.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's just like a pop up.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, what a cr. I'm opening a shoe a store for just all kinds of weird shit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come to my shoe shop. I need some chickens.

[James Fritz]

I'll dig a hole for you. What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Looking for a widow? Just a little skip ad pops up.

[James Fritz]

Yeah, pop up ads from back then. That would be amazing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bring me your what? Old well buckets.

[Dave Anthony]

Bring me your old well buckets and I will fix them. You will find me at a Wyndham's store.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not mine.

[James Fritz]

Nope. I'll be lurking in the basement.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm hanging up in another guy's shop. He's got me tied up downstairs.

[James Fritz]

Don't tell him you came for me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Actually, I need help.

[James Fritz]

Can you climb in through the window if you want to shop?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can you imagine not living in this time and being like, well, I guess we're just done with this well bucket. There's nothing we can do. Yeah, now hold on there, ma'am.

[James Fritz]

No. A crazy man put an ad in the paper. You'll be safe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I noticed you don't have a wedding ring on your finger, my lady.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, no. Flower sack causes first aid.

[James Fritz]

Call tail as old as time.

[Dave Anthony]

Here we go again. An odd case of first aid was required at a newly installed Red Cross nurse at Bedam, Kansas, recently, according to advices from that town, a deaf man who was endeavoring to help the woman clerk in a grocery store carry a sack of flour from the storeroom to his waiting automobile inadvertently caught the drag hook on her finger and dragged her instead of the sack of flour across the floor accidentally.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is Scarborough stuff.

[Dave Anthony]

Whoopsie.

[James Fritz]

We're in Scarborough country. Buckle up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't understand. He.

[James Fritz]

Wait. Okay, what is the accident?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I I. If the accident is that he's dragging her like she's flower, then this is a murder.

[James Fritz]

What did you say he it hooked on her?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, he was trying to hook the flower and I guess he hooked her hand.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is some looney tunes.

[James Fritz]

We all confuse flour with women.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, you never done that? You never confused a woman with a sack of flour? Get the out of here. You ain't from Tennessee.

[James Fritz]

You're a wet spot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The pastimes will be taking a hiatus.

[James Fritz]

What? I thought that's what we were doing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The pastimes is going to be off for the next six months. No.

[James Fritz]

Because she's crying. The eyes. You poke out her eyes. I'm normal.

[Dave Anthony]

All right, well, just have your protests on December 6th.

[Gareth Reynolds]

December 6th Chicago. If you live within nine hours, drive much. James is now officially inviting hecklers.

[James Fritz]

Do they have butts here? They go insane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kids are allowed.

[James Fritz]

No kids.

[Dave Anthony]

Here's what happened. His back was turned and being too deaf to hear her cries.

[James Fritz]

Oh, I didn't know he was.

[Dave Anthony]

Did not know of the accident until he turned to lift the flower into the machine.

[James Fritz]

It's just some dead wood.

[Dave Anthony]

He hooked her and he hit. He hit the button or whatever to take the flower across the room. There was a lady screaming, but he had his back turned so he couldn't hear her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's still not okay. It got more okay. It's still not okay.

[Dave Anthony]

It sounds like the start to a porno, but it was just a lady.

[James Fritz]

It wasn't like watching a men's basket. It wasn't a man. So the men are okay.

[Dave Anthony]

It wasn't a man who.

[James Fritz]

The woman got hooked. What are you talking about? Yeah, I'm just saying it's okay.

[Dave Anthony]

No woman got hooked.

[James Fritz]

That's fine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think we're allowed to be even talking about this.

[James Fritz]

1921. It's fine. We'll make more.

[Dave Anthony]

The hook was so deeply embedded in the woman's hand that surgery was necessary to remove it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

However, when removing it, they realized they were operating on a bag of flour.

[Dave Anthony]

But the Red Cross nurse was able to relieve her pain with first aid at once while a surgeon was being summoned. Red Cross nurses in the chapters where public health work is conducted are constantly having just such calls as this.

[James Fritz]

This is happening a lot now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're not the number one leading cause of death in females.

[James Fritz]

Men. Focus where your hooks are going. I don't know how many times I say this. You have a deadly hook. Don't just wave it around. This is happening a lot. Just women hooked to the backs of cars.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ow. Oh, my God. I thought you were the flower.

[Dave Anthony]

They frequently find themselves the only help available help in serious emergencies. In many of the Red Cross chapters employing public health nurses, the work is financed by the recipients from the annual roll call. The roll call this year will take place November 11th to 24th and will be simultaneously throughout the United States. It's an ad.

[James Fritz]

Actually, this is ad. Actually, this is better health care than we have now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not kidding.

[James Fritz]

It probably cost him. It probably cost a wooden nickel for all this. I'm not joking at all. An ambulance ride.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not joking.

[James Fritz]

An ambulance ride would have killed this entire community if it was priced what it is now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ain't that the goddamn truth?

[Dave Anthony]

God damn It. He's right again.

[James Fritz]

I'm sorry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's. That's what you gotta love about America. When someone gets hurt and they go, don't call an ambulance.

[James Fritz]

Oh, I know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is. This system's thriving.

[James Fritz]

Well, we're a poor country. Not the richest country in the history of the world.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right.

[Dave Anthony]

How dare you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That. That's right.

[Dave Anthony]

How dare you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

December 6th. Two shows.

[James Fritz]

If you like truth. You like truth tellers.

[Dave Anthony]

You want to see America, hater. James Fritz.

[James Fritz]

I love you.

[Dave Anthony]

The citizen is that of Illinois. Illinois.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Number Chicago.

[James Fritz]

That's it. Oh, my God. What's happening?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Reserv, December 6th.

[Dave Anthony]

Ms. Mildred Kelly, hailed as the gamest girl in Illinois.

[James Fritz]

The gameist. That's. That's a fl.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, no, I think it's like a twitch thing.

[Dave Anthony]

She's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is that what it means?

[James Fritz]

Easy.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, it does now, but not then.

[James Fritz]

She's game, bro.

[Dave Anthony]

Who trailed five armed robbers in her fliver.

[Gareth Reynolds]

In her flivver.

[Dave Anthony]

F L I V E R. The French liver.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

After they had robbed the state bank at Ayuka. Is back on the job again. None the worse for her exciting chase.

[James Fritz]

Hell yeah. Oh, I like this. I thought it was gonna like Slut Shamer, but it's like we're making. We're making a little American hero narrative about this gal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right.

[James Fritz]

What was her name?

[Dave Anthony]

Mildred Kelly.

[James Fritz]

Mildred Kelly. That's good.

[Dave Anthony]

Pretty hot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's a good name. Definitely sounds potentially widowed.

[James Fritz]

I can see her with a tommy gun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's right.

[James Fritz]

Mildred Kelly says, kiss my grits.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, manager boys. Kiss my grits. By the way, Tommy gun. Good Lord. Go ahead, Dave.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm just the devil. Dodger was the published title to the film shown at the Dark Feather Theater last Saturday night. It was misleading and not appropriate.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is someone writing the title.

[James Fritz]

There were neither devils nor dogs. Discuss.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Rather, it was the Christ spirit as displayed by a young minister who believed and acted as his conception of the real character of a Christian. Those who missed it missed one of the best entertainments ever presented by the theater management. Those who did see it and were not impressed with the thought conveyed are lacking in the finer sensibilities and sentiments of true manhood and woman.

[James Fritz]

Oh, my God. This is where we are. We're in 1927. Yeah, that feels like now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

21. But yes, whatever.

[James Fritz]

I won.

[Dave Anthony]

It was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You just said two, five times.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, like it was repeated on Sunday afternoon. But to a poor house. It certainly deserved a better patronage.

[James Fritz]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. That is shitty.

[James Fritz]

Well, your Audience is at church, dumbass.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[James Fritz]

Our Christ play doesn't get a. People don't come out as much on Sundays.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, what is it?

[Dave Anthony]

I can't believe they're waste. They're wasting a Christ movie on the poor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that wasn't what he was about. You remember him? He hated the poor.

[James Fritz]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Last one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

This is out of Waco, Texas. Or Wacko.

[James Fritz]

Say it. That's why David likes my humor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, we tell the truth.

[James Fritz]

We're not afraid.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're talking about animals.

[James Fritz]

Many people say we're the next Carlins.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, the Two Carlos is what they call us.

[James Fritz]

Dueling Carlins.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would love.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh my God, that's. We should tour and do the Two Carlins.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What you. If you guys just started doing bits you thought Carlin would be doing now.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, I don't think Carlin would have talked that long about skunks under his house.

[James Fritz]

That's Dave's biggest note to me comedically is I haven't mentioned the skunks. My trauma. That's my truck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's. He starts doing it.

[James Fritz]

Give me time. Yeah, some skunks were out of my house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fire chief said he couldn't have even lived there. And he's a fire chief.

[Dave Anthony]

You ever heard of rape skunks?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, boy. Canceled. It just says canceled right away we cut from that to the guy putting the canceled thing over your face. I guess James was right.

[James Fritz]

He knew where it would end.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

All right, last one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right.

[Dave Anthony]

Jail. This is from Waco, Texas. Jailer finds saws in Christmas cake cutting into a large Christmas cake. Christmas cake sent to prisoners in the county jail here by parcel post. Jailer Scott Chaplin found six saws of the finest steel. Center of the cake is being sought. It never happened. Six. Six?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[James Fritz]

How big? How small the saw or how big the cake?

[Dave Anthony]

I know, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You gotta love the person. Being like two seems like a lot. You should do more.

[James Fritz]

I'm just imagining someone like trying to smuggle in like a 10 foot wide cake into a prison. Like, oh, it's just a regular birthday.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Happy holidays to those incarcerated folk.

[Dave Anthony]

It's for everybody.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no. None for the jailers. Only prisoners. Let them cut it too. Can they have a knife? No. Well, there's one in the cake for the earth.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, shit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's a little man in the cake.

[James Fritz]

Guys, we got this. Don't mention the knives.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've got a bunch of chickens.

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, Bob, there's a 32 foot cake out here. What are we going to do with this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just Put it in front of the guys. Let them eat it face first.

[Dave Anthony]

It.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just let him go in there and eat it.

[James Fritz]

It's the holidays at this time in this. In this year, most of them are our cousins. Like, let them. Let them out. Let them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, the doors are open anyway. It's 1921. Yeah. Ah, well, James, we love you.

[James Fritz]

Oh, no, we miss you. What's happening?

[Gareth Reynolds]

The show's ending.

[James Fritz]

This is the end.

[Dave Anthony]

That's it.

[James Fritz]

This is the best.

[Dave Anthony]

We're tired of you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're not recording. This is an intervention. Yeah, well, that's the way to do an intervention. Invite someone on your podcast.

[James Fritz]

Make them go through, like, technical difficulties for 20 minutes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do it for an hour. Yeah, do the episode. Could have done it at the beginning. Ah, it just felt wrong.

[James Fritz]

Like, we're worried about your drinking. It's like, well, this is why I drink.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You all right? They can go to lincoln lodge.com Chicago, December 6th.

[James Fritz]

Lincoln Lodge.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The Lincoln Lunch.

[James Fritz]

Yeah, yeah. Frizz. Is that Instagram? Twitter? X. Whatever, man. You'll find it. Google James Fritz. Lincoln Lodge. Lincoln Lodge.com. but yeah, yeah, please come. It's gonna be a fun night. I love Chicago, and I haven't performed there in a long time, and I. That's where I started the comedy, and I love it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

James, we're trying to wrap the show up, so just really taking.

[Dave Anthony]

Does your. Does your stage care about me?

[James Fritz]

No. You saw me. Dave, I don't have the time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you doing a Carlin? All right, so thank you, James. And. And we just want to say thanks to everyone listening. Thank you guys are the best, and we just love the out of you and Matt R. Buckle up. All right, the show's over. Let's go backstage. Man, that went pretty good. It. It felt like I really got him at the ending there, where I started pandering.

[James Fritz]

It was really hateful for you, though.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, we're still recording. Some of these days you'll miss me, honey. Some of these days.

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