105 - The Past Times with Sarah Tiana

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds – Episode 105: The Past Times with Sarah Tiana

Introduction

In Episode 105 of The Dollop titled “The Past Times with Sarah Tiana”, host Gareth Reynolds and co-host Dave Anthony delve into the intriguing and occasionally dark headlines from December 21, 1903. Joining them is guest Sarah Tiana, who brings fresh perspectives and her own comedic flair to the discussion. Together, they explore historical events, infuse them with humor, and offer insightful commentary on the societal norms and peculiarities of the early 20th century.

---

Segment 1: Setting the Scene and Guessing the Year

The episode kicks off with a lively introduction where Gareth Reynolds welcomes Sarah Tiana to the show. Their initial banter revolves around Sarah’s new sports-based podcast, “The Sports,” featuring fellow female comedians Megan Gailey and Rachel. Sarah also mentions her role in MLB Network’s “The Traveling Spaceship Show,” where she and her puppet co-pilot, Jax, explore past baseball games—a premise that sparks laughter and playful skepticism from Dave.

Notable Quote:

• Gareth Reynolds [03:19]: "Sarah, Your new podcast is baseball based, is that right?"

The trio engages in a fun guessing game to determine the year of the newspaper they’re about to analyze. While Sarah confidently guesses 1967 and Gareth opts for 1903, Dave playfully dubs Sarah the winner when the correct year, December 21, 1903, is revealed.

Notable Quote:

• Dave Anthony [02:37]: “Sarah, of course, wins. The year is December 21, 1903.”

---

Segment 2: Analyzing 1903 Headlines

With the year established, the hosts embark on dissecting various headlines from the December 21, 1903, Indianapolis Star. The primary focus is on a headline detailing a tragic murder-suicide involving Roscoe Derby, a 45-year-old machinist who killed his wife and three children before taking his own life. The conversation swiftly shifts to the editorial decision to “Christmas-ize” the headline, making the tragic news blend into the festive backdrop.

Notable Quotes:

• Dave Anthony [08:07]: “Roscoe Derby, a machinist and about 45 years old, murdered his entire family early today by shooting his wife, his three kids, and then himself.”
• Gareth Reynolds [09:23]: “No Christmas. Murdered wife and child.”

The hosts humorously critique the editor’s attempt to soften the grim news, likening it to how action movies like Die Hard are retrofitted as Christmas classics. They ponder the societal expectations of the holiday season and satirize the notion of Santa Claus being a scapegoat for familial discord.

Notable Quotes:

• Dave Anthony [09:37]: “This is what Santa would have done had he been out of presents.”
• Sarah Tiana [09:42]: “That’s right. An action movie that takes place at Christmas.”

---

Segment 3: The Rapid Divorce and Remarriage Tale

Transitioning to another headline, the hosts explore a record-setting 19-minute divorce and remarriage in Henry County. Sarah and Gareth mock the swiftness and frivolity of the proceedings, humorously speculating about the motivations and personalities involved. They draw parallels to modern-day rapid relationships and engagement trends, adding a layer of contemporary relevance to the historical account.

Notable Quotes:

• Gareth Reynolds [14:06]: “It's the quickest divorce and remarriage record ever made in Henry county was made Saturday in circuit court.”
• Dave Anthony [15:03]: “They were definitely, like, going for headlines.”

---

Segment 4: Workplace Conflicts and Gender Dynamics

The discussion shifts to another news piece about a fight between two women, Ms. Bertha Glass and Ms. Tilly Langler, at the Claypool Laundry. The altercation, fueled by accusations and personal grievances, serves as a springboard for the hosts to comment on gender dynamics and workplace tensions in the early 1900s. They playfully simulate dialogue and envision exaggerated scenarios, highlighting the comedic potential in serious conflicts.

Notable Quotes:

• Dave Anthony [34:07]: “Ms. Bertha Glass attacks another girl because of slurring remarks and combat taking on true feminine tactics.”
• Sarah Tiana [34:27]: “Can we? I'm guessing it's pulling hair.”

---

Segment 5: Child Labor and Legal Loopholes

One of the more serious headlines tackles child labor laws, where Judge John Schaefer declares a 1903 act regulating the employment of boys in mines as unconstitutional. The hosts satirize the judge’s rationale, mocking the legal language and questioning the morality of allowing children as young as four to work in hazardous conditions. Their sharp wit underscores the ongoing struggles against child labor and the exploitation of minors.

Notable Quotes:

• Dave Anthony [50:00]: “Fred Schulte was charged as a mine foreman of Employing boys under 16 years of age in an Allegheny county mine.”
• Gareth Reynolds [51:03]: “You cannot let four year olds work in mines.”

---

Segment 6: Public Funerals and Union Strikes

The latter part of the episode delves into how union strikes affected public funerals, with pickets preventing bodies from being transported, leading families to opt for private burials. The hosts highlight the absurdity and complications arising from labor disputes, using humor to critique both union actions and societal responses to such crises.

Notable Quotes:

• Dave Anthony [52:23]: “Many bodies placed in undertakers vaults to avoid attacks by striking drivers.”
• Sarah Tiana [52:49]: “Pickets prevent public funerals.”

---

Segment 7: Closing with Humorous Reflections

As the episode nears its end, the hosts share personal anecdotes and further jokes inspired by the historical narratives they've explored. Sarah recounts a childhood incident of being slapped, drawing a parallel to the earlier story of workplace confrontations. The trio concludes with light-hearted banter about Santa’s gift list, blending the dark with the whimsical.

Notable Quotes:

• Sarah Tiana [40:07]: “I've never been an official? I did. I did get slapped by a girl in fourth grade once.”
• Dave Anthony [60:05]: “Dear Santa, I just want a doll whose arms lower and eyes closed.”

---

Conclusion

Episode 105 of The Dollop masterfully combines historical analysis with contemporary humor, offering listeners an engaging journey through the headlines of December 1903. With Sarah Tiana’s contributions adding depth and new comedic angles, Gareth Reynolds and Dave Anthony continue their tradition of making history both informative and hilariously entertaining. This episode not only sheds light on the societal issues of the past but also bridges them with present-day sensibilities, making it a must-listen for history buffs and comedy enthusiasts alike.

Notable Closing Quote:

• Gareth Reynolds [64:33]: “Sarah, on behalf of the show, Dave and I would like to build your son one.”

Transcript

[Unknown Comedian]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

Everybody. Welcome to the Pastimes podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before. And neither is our guest this week, Sarah Tiana. Hi, Sarah.

[Sarah Tiana]

Hi, guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you for joining us.

[Sarah Tiana]

You're welcome. Happy to be here.

[Dave Anthony]

How's your mom?

[Sarah Tiana]

She's good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Does she still like our stuff?

[Sarah Tiana]

Oh, yeah. She tells me before I tell her. You know, I'm like, you know, I don't want to. I want it to be kind of a surprise. And then I'm like, oh, yeah, I'll tell her when I know it's coming out. And then she's always like, heard you on past times today, she's the best.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where does she live?

[Sarah Tiana]

Georgia.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we got to get out there specifically for her.

[Dave Anthony]

She was the. Was the whole family excited about the Georgia win?

[Sarah Tiana]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, he means when Trump go on Georgia.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

[Sarah Tiana]

No, they weren't. But yes. Georgia Bulldogs both overtime wins, which were extremely stressful. There was a lot of pacing. The group chat was a lot of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pissing, to be clear.

[Dave Anthony]

Pacing. You have a different pacing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh.

[Dave Anthony]

The way you handle sports is different than other people, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

When you get fired up, you all pissed. That's how you put a bucket in the room and everybody pisses in. Guys and gals, Sarah, you have a new podcast. It's baseball based, is that right?

[Sarah Tiana]

No, my new podcast is just sports based with me and two other female comics.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who are the comics? I think I know some of them.

[Sarah Tiana]

Megan Gailey and Rachel.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great.

[Sarah Tiana]

So we're called the Sports.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's called the Sports.

[Dave Anthony]

That's inappropriate.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a fantastic name. We're actually not allowed to say that name. I don't know if you know that. And then. Wait, what was the other thing you were talking about?

[Sarah Tiana]

Oh, yes. I have a new show on MLB Network called the Traveling Spaceship Show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Sarah Tiana]

Where me and my co pilot, Jax, who is a puppet, we can go to any Game in the past.

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, Sarah, what the Is going on right now?

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is the best show ever. This is my.

[Dave Anthony]

Sorry, Siri. You. You have a puppet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great show.

[Dave Anthony]

And it's. And you're. How did you get it? I get out of the spaceship. Gun to the puppet. How did you get into a spaceship?

[Sarah Tiana]

I. That doesn't. We don't really need to explain that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I need a backstory. Dave, if you really think about it, you do a time travel podcast with a puppet as well. All right, Sarah, we're gonna guess what year this paper's from. Okay? You know the deal. I mean, who knows? You can go first. You. You go first. But any years. We did a 2000. I think we did a 2001, so it could be up till then.

[Sarah Tiana]

Well, that's a very. It's like a very broad guess. It's like, I'm thinking of a number between one and a thousand, but that's always a really fun game, so I'm gonna say 1967.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Interesting. Interesting, interesting, Interesting. Well played, Tiana.

[Dave Anthony]

Why are you just killing time here?

[Sarah Tiana]

You're going $1.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Quiet, Anthony. 1967's interesting. I'm gon go 1903.

[Sarah Tiana]

Oh.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God. Sierra. Sarah, of course, wins.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sierra.

[Dave Anthony]

Sarah. Well, I call her Sierra. It's inside joke. The year is. It's December 21, 1903.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shut up.

[Dave Anthony]

Sarah is the winner.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just guessed it.

[Dave Anthony]

Nobody knows. It's the vibe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You see why this vibe could be fun? 1903, Sarah. Thank you for playing. And Dave, you. That'll teach you to cross me. Wow. That's crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

What the. I think I. You know, my son has. Now since I said my son is texting me about the PayPal, not about section loss. Fortnite class action. I've gotten now four texts from him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I imagine that lawsuit takes two weeks to turn around. He.

[Dave Anthony]

Now. And now question mark. And yes, he did. He got $250.

[Sarah Tiana]

What dance do they do when they win?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that is a good question.

[Dave Anthony]

Right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

And are they legally clear to do it?

[Dave Anthony]

Right. Well, okay, I'll send them. And then we're done. And then we're done, kid. Yes. 250. Okay. I mean, all right, so it is the Indianapolis Star.

[Sarah Tiana]

Oh, okay. Love it. Big fan. Love their work. I've read a lot of their papers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is that right, Sarah? Big fan. Have you and your puppet ever gone to that time?

[Sarah Tiana]

1903?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Have you and the puppet ever gone there?

[Dave Anthony]

Sarah and I are on a nationwide newspaper discussion forum on a group on Facebook.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Sarah Tiana]

There's also a great Reddit thread.

[Dave Anthony]

Yep.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Really good one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Yep.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah, it's good. There's called the 1903 and outs. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Yep.

[Sarah Tiana]

Pretty.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, if the name wasn't so airtight, I'd be dubious. But then the name came to fruition quickly. All right.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah. 1903 was baseball. Baseball, I think was invented, but it wasn't a form former.

[Dave Anthony]

No, it was, but by that time. Yeah. They had professional leagues. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, Big time. Big time. They were already turned on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dave, you're really. Oh, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

No, I'm just saying they. They had rivalries already. We. We did.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Should we.

[Dave Anthony]

We did an episode about. We've done a couple episodes about baseball in the 1890s.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. So there was some crazy going on already. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They used to use their hand.

[Dave Anthony]

Not mlb, but the. The precursor.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

You know what I mean? All right, so this is gonna be our Christmas episode.

[Sarah Tiana]

Oh, how exciting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Sarah Tiana]

Christmas episode.

[Dave Anthony]

It's very, very exciting. Do you want the first headline?

[Sarah Tiana]

These are. These are things that were happening in Indianapolis in 1903 at Christmas.

[Dave Anthony]

That's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

The 21st. So it's. It's, you know, just. Just four days before Christmas. All right, First. First headline. No Christmas murdered wife and children.

[Sarah Tiana]

Straight to the point.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So they weren't really concerned with children seeing the paper or the headlines back then, I guess. Imagine being a child. Be like, Jesus Christ, Santa Fe dead.

[Sarah Tiana]

Wait, murdered wife and children.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. Is this just one household won't be having Christmas that year?

[Sarah Tiana]

Maybe somebody did see Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right. Santa came down.

[Dave Anthony]

All right.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah. Daddy saw. Mommy wasn't very happy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then it went further.

[Dave Anthony]

The. So there's like three headlines below it. Awful deed of Cleveland machinist who saw yuletide approach and no presence. What is ready for his family.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It just feels like key words to, like, grab you to be like. But it's not so far. I still have no clue what's happening.

[Dave Anthony]

Had played the ponies. Said special delivery letter to Fred notifying him of intention. Yeah, this is sweet Christmasy. Okay, so is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is a gambling debt.

[Dave Anthony]

Let's see. Roscoe Derby, a machinist and about 45 years old, murdered his. Oh, God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like that. They can't get his age altogether.

[Sarah Tiana]

I thought these were just other headlines.

[Dave Anthony]

No, this is one guy. This is one guy getting busy. One guy getting busy.

[Sarah Tiana]

I was like. Because you had me at hello and then you lost me at machinist yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And approximate age. 45 ish. We don't have time.

[Sarah Tiana]

Anyway, the point is he's a Dominican pitcher. We don't really know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're not sure.

[Sarah Tiana]

I don't know. Just guessing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cut them open. Count the rings.

[Dave Anthony]

Murdered his entire family early today by shooting his wife, his three kids, and then himself.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is not Dave. This is a comedy show.

[Dave Anthony]

Happy merry Mapping Happy, Merry Christmas. So everyone does so the crime is believed to have been due to despondency over the impoverishment of the family purse and the near approach of Christmas.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Will you read the headline again?

[Dave Anthony]

Sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because the editor. Yeah, see, the editor was like, look, that huge murder suicide is. It's good for his story, but can we Christmas it up? They're like, yeah, sure. No Christmas. Everyone in that house is dead.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. No Christmas. Murdered wife and child.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was cold blooded.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it was. This is what Santa would have done had he been out of presents.

[Sarah Tiana]

Christmasing it up is kind of like how the reason people think Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right.

[Sarah Tiana]

An action movie that takes place at Christmas. It's like, well, if we add Christmas, there's stakes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If there's sleigh bells, it's a Christmas movie. I'm not gonna do this with you again, Sarah.

[Sarah Tiana]

I just like putting Christmas in the headlines. So, like, he was basically. Didn't have the money to buy gifts and he said, I'll give myself a gift.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I will. I know how to take the pressure off of this holiday. Yeah, we won't exist. God, it's dark. It's dark.

[Dave Anthony]

A number of. I'll just cut to the end. A number of pool. Because the. The in between the end. It's just describing the murders. A number of pool room race checks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Poo.

[Dave Anthony]

Were found. Pool room race checks were found about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're the guy who said poo, so drop the attitude. You said poo, and then you're angry at us. Sarah and I are just making sure that poo poo room's a bathroom. So. Okay, you could sit there and look angry at it.

[Sarah Tiana]

I heard pool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I heard poo too, Sarah. I agree. Go ahead, Dave. Huh? We're having one of these fun little. This is what podcasting is.

[Dave Anthony]

A number of pool room race checks were found about the house showing that Derby had been trying his luck on betting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So he chose trying his luck.

[Sarah Tiana]

So he was a beginner gambler and then lost all the money for Christmas and then was like, well, there's only one fix. It's like, no, no, there's several. There's other fixes.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's what. Santa is not just there for good times. You can scapegoat him as the reason there's no gifts and be like, I don't know. I gu. We up as a family this year.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah. And why do you think coal was part of a stocking? Because that's, like, just what people had around.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't even afford the coal.

[Dave Anthony]

You also could kill your family and then just be like, santa came down the chimney crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. The Santa defense in 1903. Oh, my God.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, no.

[Sarah Tiana]

And he was mocking us, laughing with his bowl full of jelly.

[Dave Anthony]

Ho, ho, ho.

[Gareth Reynolds]

As he's in the sleigh, you.

[Dave Anthony]

The first knowledge of the crime was communicated in a letter written by derby to a friend who lived not far away and which was sent to him by special delivery.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is dark, too. To send up to be. To drop that letter up. You share. This will get there. Okay, great.

[Dave Anthony]

Merry Christmas, friend. By the time you'll get this, my family and I will be dead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, Hank, it's me. This is a weird letter. Go to my house. We're all gone. Oh, wait.

[Sarah Tiana]

Did he kill himself, too? He didn't.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Yeah, he killed himself, too. Took everybody.

[Sarah Tiana]

I wish he would have done that first. Killed himself first and then gone for.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. You go in the room, you gather your family around for, you know, the dinner, and you go, this is your Christmas. And you pull the shotgun out. You just blow your brains out.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Also. Yeah. And they're also gonna, like. Yay.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Sarah Tiana]

We didn't get you a gift either.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got you overalls.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah. I got you a gun case. Huh. I guess you won't.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. I guess you don't need that anymore.

[Sarah Tiana]

I got you a hat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here you go.

[Sarah Tiana]

You won't be needing that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's got two hands on it. That clap if you pull a string.

[Dave Anthony]

Sorry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Your father's head exploded at supper.

[Sarah Tiana]

That's tough. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. What an opening. Well, Merry Christmas.

[Dave Anthony]

Divorced and married in 19 minutes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. That's great. That's. My dad did that.

[Sarah Tiana]

Is this a new headline or is this. What?

[Dave Anthony]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're in the end.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're doing the ad.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Sarah Tiana]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm just kidding. Sarah's genuinely like. Oh, sorry. Yeah. If you want to get married after 19 minutes of divorce, use promo code dollop at checkout.

[Sarah Tiana]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

The quickest divorce and remarriage record ever made in Henry county was made Saturday in circuit court.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a weird feeling.

[Dave Anthony]

A Divorce was granted to Amanda Fegley. And 15 minutes later, across the street in the office of Squire Coons.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, boy.

[Dave Anthony]

Jesus Christ. I mean, change your name. I don't care what year it is. Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm King Rabbit.

[Sarah Tiana]

Legal name, not a nickname. Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm the Duke of Red. The Duchess of Possum will oversee the ceremony. By the way, my misogyny showing, because in 1903, I just assumed this was a man doing the. The divorce marriage. But it's a. It's a lady.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah, it is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm very. For that.

[Sarah Tiana]

The great, great grandmother of Britney Spears, just, like, quickly getting a divorce, running on to the next one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't even remember the marriage.

[Dave Anthony]

In the office of Squire Coons. She was married to W.M. flynn from the time the divorce was granted until the new knot was tied, was only 19 minutes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So they were definitely, like, going for headlines.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I think so. Right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Absolutely. This is like, had to have been.

[Sarah Tiana]

Was this like Guinness Book of World Records.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're going for that?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, feels like it. I'm for it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But this is probably.

[Sarah Tiana]

Hey, man, when you found the one, you found the one, you know, and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've got to hurry. There's not much time. Back then, the Guinness Book was probably, like, it was actually important. Like, people like, wow, that's a lot of pickles. Whereas now they're just like, what's your things? Like, nobody's ever held this many marbles in their hand. Like, man, this is not a life.

[Dave Anthony]

The longest toenails and can bounce a basketball for an hour.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. That's what you're like. Is anyone. They're like, no one's, you know that.

[Sarah Tiana]

You know Don Barris at the Comedy Store?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Sarah Tiana]

So he's, you know, trying to break the record of the T shirts. Yeah. So I think he's on.

[Dave Anthony]

What do you mean? What do you mean? T shirts. What does that mean?

[Sarah Tiana]

T shirt every day. So I think he has, like, seven years left or something, but he's already been doing it for seven.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A lot of pressure, and he has.

[Sarah Tiana]

To keep track of it. You know, I'm like, that's a lot. That's a lot.

[Dave Anthony]

What about doing something interesting with your life?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You did that, too.

[Sarah Tiana]

I can't imagine even being that driven to do anything.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A new T shirt every day. This is such a comedian gripe to be like, that's a lot of work.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A new T shirt every day.

[Dave Anthony]

I would forget one day. How does he.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who's, like, you know, involved in our dollop World, Sarah. He basically does that without trying.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Every day. I'm like, what is that? He's like, it's like a cookbook for the Unabomber. I'm like, all right, we're guy going into a Chevron.

[Dave Anthony]

I would. I would actually like that.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

So is he taking a picture of himself every day?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yes. Take a picture with, you know, like.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Sarah Tiana]

And. And then he has to, like, double.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Check that he hasn't worn it.

[Sarah Tiana]

Accidentally wearing the same one.

[Dave Anthony]

Are we pretending like the Guinness Book of World Records is actually going to check up on this and go through.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Initiated the start, I would assume.

[Sarah Tiana]

You would assume.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, never mind. That's gonna be a bummer when it's 14 years of new shirts and they're like, oh, well, you did you fill. Can we see the first form? You're like, the first form.

[Sarah Tiana]

Ah, sorry. You ran out of icloud space two years ago.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God, that's even worse. Yeah, my computer crashed. Why just start over. What is another 14 years of t shirts flopping?

[Sarah Tiana]

It means just, like, keeping them in the house and, like, making sure that you're like. Yeah, because it's like, you can't even really get rid of them because you have to have them as also a backup. I think they have storage units full of the old ones.

[Dave Anthony]

What?

[Sarah Tiana]

I know.

[Dave Anthony]

What are we doing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, yeah. Support the guy.

[Sarah Tiana]

It's not.

[Dave Anthony]

What about writing bits?

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah, no time for that. I'm logging T shirts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good Lord. Ordering new shirts.

[Dave Anthony]

Meanwhile, Bert Kreischer's over there. No shirt for two years.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm your opposite.

[Dave Anthony]

Long engaged, but have never met. Wabash girl and Purdue student to wed. Thursday. Culminating unique romance. Next Thursday evening. Miss. That's Christmas Eve. Miss Bertha Hoffman, a pretty young woman. Oh, man. If he is Bertha Hoff, it's tough.

[Sarah Tiana]

You have to write in the pretty, so people might think that it's true. You gotta put that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't forget that I'm pretty. Bertha, you're hurting me.

[Sarah Tiana]

Marla Hooch shows up. Okay. You said she was pretty.

[Dave Anthony]

A pretty young woman of bourbon. She's from Bourbon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was, too. Technically, it's a.

[Dave Anthony]

It's a town, actually.

[Sarah Tiana]

That should be on my headstone when I die. A pretty young woman of bourbon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you kind of are from bourbon.

[Sarah Tiana]

Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm Definitely. At least 98% bourbon on the inside.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bourbon. My parents fucked during a blackout, and then they had me. I'm from bourbon.

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, and don't knock it. And theater. Yager of South Chicago will be married at the home of the former.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Another name.

[Dave Anthony]

Although the pair have never. Although the pair have been engaged for three years, they have never seen each other, and their acquaintance exists only through a regular correspondence and the exchange of photographs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, this is 1903. This makes so much more sense.

[Dave Anthony]

Does it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but they definitely by now, have sent pictures of each other. You know, they live.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, in. In today's drive, that's like two and a half hours. They could easily. It's three years. Two. They. It's 1903. Even if you're taking a horse, you could get there a long time in a. No.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah, it's not a long time. That's why people, like, stayed married for so long, you know, when they were first married in the 1800s or the. Because there's just, like, no options.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, you're like, these.

[Sarah Tiana]

This is my option. It says here on in the paper that she's pretty. So I'm taking my commitment. You know, I've seen her photograph.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. She's hotter than all eight women in town.

[Dave Anthony]

The paper of record says she's a keeper.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah. So then you're like, all right, well, I'll just make it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, this could be the first catfish.

[Sarah Tiana]

It could be.

[Dave Anthony]

That's what I'm thinking. Like, she could be sending pictures of anybody to him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm a pretty. Bertha.

[Sarah Tiana]

Are from 150ft away. She looks pretty to me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, that's just a thumb. Okay. Yeah.

[Sarah Tiana]

Cool, cool, cool. I like that we're making her seem like the ugly one, but he could be.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, her name is. Her name is Bertha. Yeah. He might not be. I mean, he can't be a great. He can't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's a Jaeger. He's from the Jaeger fortune, you know?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, he's one of the. One of the famous Jaegers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Anyone wants some cough syrup for an aperitif or.

[Sarah Tiana]

You have to drink a lot of Jaeger to think he's attractive.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That could be the other yo. Yeah. Not gonna sit here and have a. On the man in the story.

[Sarah Tiana]

I know. I don't understand why a girl from Bourbon would marry a Jaeger.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Listen, a Bourbon woman marrying a Jaeger.

[Sarah Tiana]

This is where I draw the line.

[Gareth Reynolds]

These are liquor Capulets and Montagues.

[Sarah Tiana]

Don't even get me started on Goldschlager. He's a rope.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's just dribbling gold pieces. Jeez. I was drinking that. Have a little minute. That's edible.

[Sarah Tiana]

I wasn't. Yeah. Engaged to a Goldschlager. Once, and he left me for a man on Broadway.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Imagine the Goldschlager family that day when they came up with Goldschlager. They're, like, pretty. Pretty good. And then there was one guy like, I've got a bit of a wild idea. Well, I think we've already got the labels printed up. Hear me out. What about if tinsel met gold bars? What do you want to do with it? Put it in there. Put it in?

[Dave Anthony]

Are you insane?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Metal.

[Sarah Tiana]

It tastes like cinnamon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, yes, yes. The cinnamon will have gold junks in it. It will all drink the gold down.

[Dave Anthony]

Will we die?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, we'll maybe die. We'll all die in pursuit of the most fancy beverage of all time. And it will cost $25 a bottle. It's a huge loss for us.

[Sarah Tiana]

Obsessed with gold. I mean, it's like. It's. Maybe it's like Trump's ancestors were just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, it's gold, Goldschlager. It's what my toilet looks like after I eat. Come on.

[Dave Anthony]

So here we are.

[Sarah Tiana]

Didn't mean to bring the room down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Sorry.

[Sarah Tiana]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Five years ago, Jager was a student at Purdue. He had a roommate who corresponded with Ms. Hoff. And Jaeger made a wager he could write to her and get a reply. Wait, what? So he totally moved on another dude's girl?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Sarah Tiana]

And she was just like, does she know that it's a different guy?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

I wonder. I bet she might think he's not. They're not even. They're not. They don't even know each other. He's just randomly sending. So he. So in this story, this guy randomly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Yeah.

[Sarah Tiana]

I'm a taken woman.

[Dave Anthony]

So in 1903, you randomly get a letter from a dude?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, I heard about you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Dave Anthony]

Like that. How does it work?

[Sarah Tiana]

I can't believe that's the guy that wasn't killed on Christmas moving in on somebody else's lady in 1903. It is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is weird to get a letter and be like, let's see where this goes. Sure.

[Sarah Tiana]

I know. It's like, isn't this how old people get tricked out of $50,000 completely?

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then it works.

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, I'm a prince in Nigeria.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, okay.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah. What did Jaeger say?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, he did so. And the correspondence. Thus began, thus begun, was carried on vigorously until three years since, when Jaeger proposed. Jaeger does not explain why he never called upon Ms. Hoff. But as each was satisfied with references that both had at hand, the wedding was arranged without a meeting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is the craziest letter to write. Like, look, I don't want to see him out of line. You want to get married? Should we get married?

[Dave Anthony]

It's this there. I. I would love to know how this worked out. I would love to know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I'll bet it worked, right? Yeah, I bet it worked out.

[Sarah Tiana]

If anyone listening is related to this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Couple, I bet it worked out because, A, it's 1903. The options, like we were saying, are so limited. And they wrote. They probably wrote really long letters and got to know each other. And then, like, divorce is harder. It probably, like, it's just a lot. I mean, like we were saying, it's not like you're, you know, you know your surroundings, what you got, you know, you're not. Again, you didn't have access to the world. Yeah.

[Sarah Tiana]

You didn't have access to the world. And also, like, it felt like back then, people, like, worked.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Sarah Tiana]

Really long hours. Like, they never saw each other.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They were tired. And it's not to say that it was good. It just didn't end. Like, you see old people, you're like, man, this seems brutal. They're like, hey, it's just. I need someone to help grab stuff.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's rather tall. He could get me a can of beans off the top shelf. I think I found a keeper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, she cleans the bathtub. I can grab stuff. It's just. We're pot committed. It's over. Yeah, life's over. What, Dave, are you finding it? Dave?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, I found something really weird. I found a Bertha Huff who was born Bertha Jaeger.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whoa, whoa.

[Sarah Tiana]

What?

[Dave Anthony]

So it's the opposite.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, no birth? So that would be. Could that be the daughter of these two? She was a birthing because.

[Dave Anthony]

No, she's. She's 25 at the. @ this point, so that's definitely.

[Sarah Tiana]

Why are you making this up?

[Dave Anthony]

I have access to everybody instantly on my.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dave has the CSI technology, but we just use it for a podcast.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yes. She showed up in codis. You have codis?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Sarah Tiana]

You have a fingerprint database on your computer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We actually have a PI on the show.

[Sarah Tiana]

Just in case anybody asks a question like that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We use it, like, three times a year. His salary is enormous and every time.

[Sarah Tiana]

We see him is in a different T shirt. He's given Don Barris a run for.

[Gareth Reynolds]

His money.

[Sarah Tiana]

Three times a year. Yeah, I guess it's like. It's really fascinating to me, like, how relationships back then were just so much simpler. It was like, you didn't But I think a big part of it too was like, you didn't know how many other other beautiful options that was it. You never met somebody that you really bonded with.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And if you wanted to communicate, it was like landline or letter. That was it.

[Sarah Tiana]

But also in a letter, you can emote just like you can in an email where you're like, God, they were so mad in that email. It's like, no, you were mad when you were reading it. You know, so it's like if you're in like, think this girl is beautiful and like, really interesting when you're reading it, everything's going to sound beautiful and interesting to you because you're just genuinely excited to get that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She shows up and she's like, I just saw a big fence. You got no idea how big this fence was that we just saw. You're like, oh, okay, cool. And she's like, I don't know. I sure do got a lot of dirt under my fingernails. I'm all embarrassed. But at least you love me for me. This fans had so many posts.

[Sarah Tiana]

It's like, it's like ever. It's like the two different versions. You know, when you hear Adele sing, it's like the most beautiful sound in the world. But then when you hear her talk, she's like, thank you so much. You're like, where did that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The voice of an angel. What do you call yourself? Well, I'm locked down low in our ease. That was like the first time I saw, like, heard Beckham, like, David Beckham talk. Like, I was like, man, this guy's amazing at soccer. And then he got up there, he's like, well, you know, it's not really like that. It's like when you're out in the field, you really try quite difficult Lane. It's not that easy. But the line judges come after me all the time. No, no, no, no.

[Sarah Tiana]

I don't want a newspaper. Get away from me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, extra, extra. I've had a really good game again.

[Sarah Tiana]

That's. I'm just imagining them reading each other's letters, thinking the other one is going to be like the key to all their dreams.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shows up after a three hour carriage ride. We just saw a horse take a huge dump. He's crazy. I don't know what that horse was eating.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah, well, he came to her house though, so they're getting married at her house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Sarah Tiana]

So that means her house must have been nice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nicer.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know.

[Dave Anthony]

Nicer.

[Sarah Tiana]

Probably propose in a letter.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's what I'M saying it would be like enclosed as a ring. Will you marry me? Check, yes or no.

[Sarah Tiana]

That was back when the. Nobody opened the mail. Yeah, it wouldn't get stolen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My mother sent me a card for my birthday and it opened up a very crazy conversation when I didn't get it because I think she put $20 in it. Which I was like, not necessary, obviously. And she goes, well, they probably put it through the machine where they could see there was money in it. And I go, walk. I go, what machine?

[Sarah Tiana]

What machine?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, there's a thing where they can put it through and they see what's in it and they take the money. I was like, what?

[Sarah Tiana]

What? Who's they?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was like, this machine that they. $20 at a time pays for itself. Sure.

[Sarah Tiana]

You mean the company that's going out of business has the most high tech technology that we have not seen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hold on. Open that. What? I think I saw fine.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, well.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Sarah Tiana]

Oh, all right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, David.

[Dave Anthony]

That was a good back together. I wish I could find out more.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've had Jaeger and bourbon together and they don't go, great. I'll be honest.

[Sarah Tiana]

They do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

When it's your fifth drinker, bourbon.

[Sarah Tiana]

So is the fifth marriage. It would go together great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Anybody wants some little confetti sprinkled in that gold? Slogger, get the out of here. Every party could be a little more interesting, don't you think? Am I the only one who at the end of some Rumpelman stinks? Boy, I wish I was chewing a bit of gold.

[Sarah Tiana]

I can't tell if you're. If you're doing an original character or just Truman Capote.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's original, but everything's stolen, isn't it, Sarah?

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah, everything's stolen. Like $20 from people who can see it in my face.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, they put it through the birthday mach. Every card goes through the birthday machine and then they take it. You don't know that.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah, well, you.

[Dave Anthony]

You know when, back a long time ago when you'd send money in the mail, you'd put a little. A little piece of cardboard in there with it so people couldn't see it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So then guess what you do? Anytime there's cardboard in a letter, you're like, open it.

[Dave Anthony]

I know. Yes, absolutely.

[Sarah Tiana]

You're supposed to put it inside. Like, because people would just straight up put cash in an envelope with nothing around it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, right. Seal it.

[Sarah Tiana]

It was like, those were the days.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That was. Yes. You fucking kidding me? I was living like a king back then. Another goldschlager on me. I've had a pretty good day on the streets, boys.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A flashlight and a dream. And here we are.

[Unknown Comedian]

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[Dave Anthony]

Oh, another Bertha story. A different Bertha.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Very popular.

[Dave Anthony]

A backup second Bera Bertha. Two Fights in Defense of Mother's name.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm standing by it.

[Dave Anthony]

Ms. Bertha Glass attacks another girl because of slurring remarks and combat taking on true feminine tactics.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here we go. This is.

[Sarah Tiana]

And combat or hurt with combat.

[Dave Anthony]

And. And. Oh, sorry. The combat taking on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So they're fighting. They're fighting like women.

[Dave Anthony]

Like ladies. Let's see what that is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't wait.

[Sarah Tiana]

Can we? I'm guessing it's pulling hair.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hair Pulling hair. Yes.

[Dave Anthony]

It's gotta be right. It's gotta be. Pulling hair and scratching feathers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Coming out of nowhere.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[Sarah Tiana]

Just reminding you about all the chores you haven't finished that day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just want to remind you, a real nag fight. Boa Strangling. Oh, no. She's got her in a half shawl.

[Sarah Tiana]

Not Boa Strangling. That's Goldschlager's moves.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, that's Goldschlager stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Take a sip or you'll pay the consequences. What?

[Sarah Tiana]

Okay, I'm sorry. Go, Dave, go.

[Dave Anthony]

This starts with a quote. You old thing. I'll pull your hair. Don't you stand up there and say mean things about. My stepmother said pretty. Ms. Bera Glass yesterday morning, just before she attacked another girl employed in the Claypool Laundry.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yes, the clay pool laundry. Eating for them to be mentioned. It's my favorite business.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sarah, we're doing the ads again. I'm sorry, I. Claypool Laundry. Listen, the turnaround's unbelievable. These women are doing hell of a work back there. Try promo code. The dollop at checkout. Get half off your sheets.

[Dave Anthony]

And remember, if it comes with ladies splattered blood on it, it's free.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right. Yes. Wow. So this is a. This is what I picture. In the 1900s, everybody was washing everything in big factories.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And these women went at it.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah. And then it's also the Second Bertha. That's needed. The adjective of pretty. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Very clear.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. You can't. You can't just have. You can't just have Bertha out there with. With no. No attached description.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

The two girls work side by side at the place, and ill feeling has existed between them for some time. The climax came yesterday when the two engaged in a fight truly characteristic of the feminine sex. They pulled each other's hair and clothing and mean thing and said mean things and struck wild blows.

[Sarah Tiana]

Oh, wild blows. Which is, like. Means they. They didn't put their dupes up.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. It was like swinging wide.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look at these women. You gotta make contact, Sally.

[Dave Anthony]

When they were both compelled to stop from exhaustion, they were sights to behold. Ms. Glass says the girl with whom she fought made false accusations against her stepmother. And the fistic defense followed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

Fistic missed. Ms. Tilly Langler, 19 years old of 1118 Bate street was arrested together with Ms. Glass.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Tilly, why'd you do it? Tilly, what's your plan? Tilly, what's your home address?

[Dave Anthony]

Being accused of profanity.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, wow.

[Dave Anthony]

I love that.

[Sarah Tiana]

You could be accused of profanity.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, yeah. Back then. Yeah.

[Sarah Tiana]

And I would have gotten a life sentence.

[Dave Anthony]

You would have been.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah, I'd be.

[Dave Anthony]

It is charged that she swore at Ms. Glass's adversary in a manner shockingly unbecoming. She used the C word.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Sarah Tiana]

Well, I mean, I'm sorry, but if you're working in. At the Claypool Laundry.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Sarah Tiana]

She's gonna get said. She's gonna get said.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The. The language standard for women was much different than that. You know, you'd be like, you jack off. They'd be like, tom's one of the funniest guys you're ever gonna meet. Until he's like, you and they're like that. Tilly. Taylor.

[Dave Anthony]

Taylor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shout it in your pillow when you get home if you feel it.

[Sarah Tiana]

I mean, those ladies in a laundry, they've seen some, and probably, like, literal, because it's probably been on the clothing and the sheets.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Dropping it off.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm sorry. I pooped all over these, so.

[Sarah Tiana]

But this said something bad about her mom.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, she hit her with the mom stuff.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah. Like, then that was like, the line too far. Like, don't talk about my mama.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Your mom?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, my stepmom. Stepmom. Not even real mom.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The reporter sounded like he was writing it with a little bit of, like, eroticism, too.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, you gotta, like, every guy reading the papers, like, oh, two ladies fighting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I'm gonna go take a whack break.

[Dave Anthony]

Jim gave me my bottle. Gold Schlager. I'm about to read about two ladies going at it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How are our profits? Has anyone seen the numbers? Wow. Schlager through the roof, huh? Looks like somebody's gonna eat a lot of gold. And them words.

[Sarah Tiana]

It says right here that she's pretty. And I know that the press don't lie.

[Dave Anthony]

That'll do.

[Sarah Tiana]

A pretty Bertha and a Tilly. All right, I think I found my afternoon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think I know where I'm going for my afternoon jack. All right, boys, take a quick jack break and then let's get back to work. Thanks, boss. Then let's keep going through these birthday letters.

[Sarah Tiana]

Wow. I can't even. Oh, I can't. Yeah. Talking about your mom, I guess that was something. That was fighting words.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stepmom is weird, but. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Have you ever been in a. Have you been in a fistfight, Sarah?

[Sarah Tiana]

I've never been in a fist fight.

[Dave Anthony]

You've never been an official? I did.

[Sarah Tiana]

I did get slapped by a girl in fourth grade once. Her name was Kim Slaughter. And, yeah, terrifying. She had, like, short red hair, you know?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Sarah Tiana]

So she was already over one, you know? Yeah, yeah. Pretty. As they put in the paper. And now she, like, cornered me in the bathroom, and she was like, I heard you've been talking about me.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, shit.

[Sarah Tiana]

I haven't been talking about you. And then she slapped me in the face. And then my instinct, I just, like, slapped her back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good.

[Sarah Tiana]

And then she never bothered me again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Good for you. That's how you do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's amazing. Pretty much heard you've been talking shit. Slap someone. Wow.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah. Yeah. Just, like, fourth grade, cornered me in the bathroom, and I was definitely afraid of it. Like, she was always, like, rude or.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mean, and I was like, sarah, sounds like you were maybe talking a little shit.

[Sarah Tiana]

Now I am. She can't hurt me now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sarah. She's behind you.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, man. Do you ever have dreams about red? Do you ever think about red? Does that come in.

[Sarah Tiana]

No, I only. I think about the name Kim Slaughter. Like, that's a really good name for a character in a. In a movie or something. So maybe I'll repurpose that. But, yeah, that's. Have you guys been in fights?

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

There. There was a lot more fighting when I was growing up. Like, we had fist fights all the time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dave grew up in 1930s Brooklyn.

[Dave Anthony]

I did. Yeah, I did. But my kid's never been in a fight, and he's 15 and he's almost 16 now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're really back then. Yeah, we used to. In England in. When I would go drinking in England back in the day they. The bars closed at 11 and it was like that culture with that closing time was disastrous in the streets. So people would fl like so the last, when they'd call, last call, people would go up me like I'll have five Jack Daniels, four parts of lager, six ghost lagers off. And then, and then you. So you'd have your buzz. Your buzz would go from a buzz to just like hammered people pour into the streets and then it would just be mayhem. And I saw some where I was always trying to avoid it but it was like cartoon brawls where it just be as, you know, like dust cloud of Fisk flying. And you'd eventually get dragged in and be like ah. If you're getting punched in the head, you're like I have to try to stop this.

[Sarah Tiana]

I actually don't have a problem with any. I'm just like. I always liked that men like worked their out by like just punching you. And I always feel like so many of these like jackasses that I see nowadays, I'm like, well you've never been punched in the face and that's why you act like an face.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a lot easier to be a online than it is in person and so there's a lot. It's a lot easier to just be a total jack off like online and then someone's just like what's up asshole? I heard you were talking about me in the fourth grade bathroom, you know.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah. That's been slaughter slapping you. You get the slaughter slap.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get the slaughter slap.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Okay.

[Sarah Tiana]

Title of the next article.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, the Slaughter.

[Dave Anthony]

We're still, we're still on page one. This is, this is, this is foreign news. This is important.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh good. I mean bad.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Loved same youth. Said one must die.

[Sarah Tiana]

Wait. Loved same youth.

[Dave Anthony]

Huh? Said one must die. So this is a London paper writing about Russia. The St. Petersburg correspondent of the Daily Express sends the account of a trash tragic affair that has occurred in the students quarters of the Russian capital. The principals being two girl students. So this is just like you and. Yeah, Slaughter and slaughter. Yeah. One of the girls made the acquaintance of a young man of good family and became secretly engaged to him. Shortly afterward she introduced her fiance to another girl, an intimate friend of her own. At this point the tragedy began for the fickle lover immediately fell deeply in love with his fiance's friend.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Such a non controversial story really? Why does this have to come from Russia? This couldn't come from Indianapolis. You're going to hear crazy story with many twists and turns. Men engaged meets other woman likes better. You've never heard anything so bizarre.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, that's not the end of the story.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Sarah Tiana]

Wait. Was the girl British or was she Russian?

[Dave Anthony]

No, they're both Russian.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, this is just the London. Like, the London being like, we've got a bit of.

[Sarah Tiana]

There's, like, nothing going on in London. That London. Yeah. I'm like, didn't you. Wasn't there a serial killer going around?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Put that aside. Two women, one man. Listen, you're not gonna believe this.

[Dave Anthony]

The girls, true to their friendship, had no secrets from one another. And the newcomer confided to the betrothed girl the fact that she and the young man were in love. The two girls were in despair and at length determined that the death of one of them offered the only solution of the difficulty.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There we go. Now we got a story. One must die.

[Sarah Tiana]

I'm like, if this takes place in France, they just all three stay together.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, but it's Russia.

[Sarah Tiana]

And they're like, I guess we'll play a fun little game of roulette.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. One has to fight polar bear.

[Sarah Tiana]

That's only one answer. Yeah, sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The French version's great. Cool. Let's get the fourth. What's the issue?

[Dave Anthony]

Come on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You got any other friends? I got one big cock and a lot of punching to do. Let's go.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. They accordingly resolved on fighting what the Russians call an American duel.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. I can't believe we took their roulette and they're taking our duel on your nations.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, this sounds more. Okay, so locking themselves in a room with a revolver, they drew lots.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But if they do Russian roulette, and they're like, it's called American duel. No, no, no. That. That's Russian. Let this game. One ball. What do you spin? What?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, that's kind of what this sounds like. So it fell out that the betrothed girl had to shoot her friend. The latter stood calmly awaiting of the girl who held the revolver. But the latter, yielding to a sudden impulse, turned the weapon against her own breast and fired.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh.

[Dave Anthony]

The shot was fatal. And bleeding from a terrible wound, the girl fell dead to the floor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Holy. Chest shot.

[Dave Anthony]

Chest shot. She shot herself in the chest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's like, study me for cte.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

How.

[Sarah Tiana]

Huh?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right. Reaction.

[Dave Anthony]

I. I think this is murder. I think it's murder at the site. The girl whose Life had been spared, snatched the revolver and attempted to commit suicide. But her trembling hand was incapable of properly directing the shot. And she only wounded herself slightly. This is murder. She murdered her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree. I like the way you said it the first time. Like an Agatha Christie investigator. This is murder. Yeah. It is a very good, like, reason to be like. She shot herself in the chest.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. You know how people do it?

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Super easy.

[Dave Anthony]

He's got music going on. Oh, someone's got a gardener.

[Sarah Tiana]

Oh, yeah, there's one next door.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, that happens. Sorry, it's la. What are you gonna do? Her courage giving away, she knelt in despair by the corpse of a friend, crying bitterly. And in this position she was found by her neighbors who, on hearing the shots, broke into the room. Yeah, she killed her. Yeah, come on. She killed her. She killed her.

[Sarah Tiana]

It's always when, you know, and then people, like, shoot themselves, like, give themselves a grazed wound in the leg, like, oh, the killer tried to kill me too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I gotta go big for that one, too. If you're gonna do it, really gotta do a big. You can't just be like, he hit my hand.

[Sarah Tiana]

And then after, did the guy still want to be with either of them?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Right. He goes, well, I guess you really like me. You know, I was just kind of thinking it was like a. Summer flings. This is kind of.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

You know, it's a lot.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

In France, it's to be like, pick up the body, let's do it, huh?

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No problem.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah. Now we have one less person to wait in breadline for us.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, Sarah, how old is your. How old's your son?

[Sarah Tiana]

Four.

[Dave Anthony]

This is perfect.

[Sarah Tiana]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Boy minors can toil on. Pittsburgh Judge John Schaefer declared void and unconstitutional the act of May 13, 1903 regulating the employment of boys and minds. Wow, Frank, this is so. This is so.

[Sarah Tiana]

You meant by minor?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. It took me a minute, too. I was like, you cannot let four year olds work in mines.

[Dave Anthony]

That's what this is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is. It's a minor.

[Sarah Tiana]

How's we gonna eat?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Very good point.

[Sarah Tiana]

Now what's he gonna do with them legs? Just walk around doing no work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He just sits down, just all covered in soot, coughing. Give me a beer. I've had a hell of a day. You're four. Shut up.

[Dave Anthony]

Fred Schulte was charged as a mine foreman of Employing boys under 16 years of age in an Allegheny county mine. Judge Schaefer said, it seems to us that The act of May 13, 1903 is void for the reason that it seeks to amend two acts of assembly by one act for the further reason that its title is misleading in that it declares it to be the intention of the legislature to amend a section of an act which is not in the act itself. The indictment is therefore quashed. Just say you want kids to work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's why Judge Greg Mathis is the greatest judge of all time. You get it. When he talks, you don't get it. What was all that legal stuff?

[Dave Anthony]

He's like, what's he talking about? Yeah, I mean, basically he was saying, I came up with a reason for kids to still work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. It's like Joe Mansion is like, this is awesome.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. This is the Joe Manchin bill. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

[Sarah Tiana]

Oh, kids in a mine, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's coming back.

[Dave Anthony]

Great. It's coming back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

It's still like coming back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, they already are. They're like, they're already just like how old are you? And they're like four. And he's like, you're getting fish in a factory. He's like, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

They keep finding kids working at just big companies, not little companies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Tiny hands can get in on the conveyor belt. That's why we needed an eight year old.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't send a man to do a boy's job.

[Dave Anthony]

The best one. They have 12 year olds working the overnight shift. Yeah, good. Kids should be working overnight. Yeah, for sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Just gotta flip your schedule. You know, I do what you normally do. I go home after work, eat French toast sticks, play with my dinosaurs and then go to bed. I get up when it's dark, it's easy.

[Sarah Tiana]

Just imagine like no screen time for you. You only worked eight hours today. No, we have a 12 hour a day house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on Twitter.

[Sarah Tiana]

You know it well. Mom, why don't you work? Well, these aren't questions you need to be asking yourself because someone's got between.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Your bread for breakfast.

[Sarah Tiana]

Cuz I'm on disability and that checks bigger than unemployment. So.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because I'm on a lot of oxycontin. Because the government found a different way to me.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't walk because I think I live in a cloud. Okay. I tried to peel my hand off last night because I thought it was an orange. I'm high as right now, boy.

[Sarah Tiana]

Oh God.

[Dave Anthony]

Here's a good. Here's a on Christmas headline. Pickets prevent public funerals.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Sarah Tiana]

Pickets prevent.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep, good alliteration.

[Dave Anthony]

Many bodies placed in undertakers vaults to avoid attacks by striking drivers. Okay, this is a Chicago shrinking from the espionage. Espionage? You shrinking from the espionage of union pickets and fearful that funeral parties would be attacked by the striking livery drivers, many Chicago families have refrained from publicly announcing their bereavements.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Sarah Tiana]

Wait, because they'll get run over?

[Dave Anthony]

No, because they won't. That no one will drive the cars. If they drive the. If they drive the bodies themselves, then it's. It's scabbing.

[Sarah Tiana]

Oh, because the hearse drivers are on strike. I didn't know that there were. There used to be many that. That was just like a job. Like, you own the funeral home and then you're also the driver.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're only doing one body per car now, you guys. Unbelievable.

[Dave Anthony]

On the other. On the other hand, Pay the drivers. I mean, that's what I'm seeing here. Yeah. In the vaults of several undertakers lie the bodies of persons about whose death the greatest secrecy is maintained and whose funerals will be postponed until after the settlement of the strike. That's fine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is fine. That was like. It's during 2020 when people were doing online funerals.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. You don't need to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Rushers.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah. You don't need to rush a body in the ground.

[Sarah Tiana]

Refrigeration.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No good.

[Dave Anthony]

They had. I'm sure they had ice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ah. It was a bit stinky, but that's.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, you know, it's a box. Everything.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what.

[Dave Anthony]

Whatever happens in the box, it's fine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look, the stink stays. There's not a lot of wind here. It is.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. It's December in Chicago. It's fine.

[Sarah Tiana]

Oh. Oh, yeah. Then it is fine, actually.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's easy.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah. Yeah. Just pay the drivers, move on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And if I may, I don't know if we do need to do 30 cars with hazards, on my opinion. You'll get there when you get there. It's just everyone put it in ways. You'll meet up there. It's a bit of a show. You know what I mean?

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

In other cases, the stricken relatives have arranged for evening funerals and private burials of which no announcement is made.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Toss it. Toss the.

[Dave Anthony]

The disgraced scenes that attended several funerals held Saturday when union pickets attempted to interfere with the removal of the bodies have led the health department officials to sanction the secrecy that is being preserved. The undertakers have been informed that unless public safety demands it, burials will not be insisted on until such a time as funeral parties shall be safe from molestation.

[Sarah Tiana]

Funeral parties.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, the words could have been a little better here. This is a party. Leave your uncle alone. Yeah.

[Sarah Tiana]

You ever get an Invitation to a party, like. And it ends up being a secret wedding. You imagine getting an invitation. It's like, hey, everybody, meet at Jones at, you know, 5:00. And then I brought chili.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You got a big party sub. They're gonna love this. Ralph's dead. What?

[Sarah Tiana]

Oh, I thought it was his birthday. That's a relief, because I didn't want him to be mad at me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who wants cake? You've gone to a secret wedding.

[Sarah Tiana]

I have gone to a secret wedding.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's. I would be like, God damn it. I would be furious.

[Sarah Tiana]

They were older, you know, she. My. You know, my agent. It was my agent. She was like, 50. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And she was. Come over for a party. And then. And then, like, how far into the party are they? Like, well, we've got news.

[Sarah Tiana]

It was. They waited till everybody got there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Sarah Tiana]

And then, like, you know, like, one of the caterers or somebody was like, hey, everybody, go meat in the front for the cake or something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I be like, this caterer is out of line. I'll do what I like. Cater. And the vodka you've been drinking has actually got some golden tinsel in it. This guy, he drops from the. He drops from the ceiling. Goldschlager. You ruined the roof. I'm covered in asbestos.

[Sarah Tiana]

I just can't stop laughing. At a secret funeral.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Amazing.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Everybody meet up front. What is that? Look. George drowned two weeks ago. We wanted to do it last weekend, but nobody could make it, so we had to wait another week. He was swimming at a party drunk, and he hit his head and he drowned. So.

[Sarah Tiana]

Surprise.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, surprise. All right, Don, you're gonna eulogize him. What? What?

[Sarah Tiana]

Just, like, an improvised funeral is so funny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah. All right. We should dig, and then let's do the ceremony.

[Sarah Tiana]

Wait, this is happening at my. You're gonna bury him at my house?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Sarah Tiana]

We didn't tell you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's the tombstone from Bourbon.

[Dave Anthony]

Although I'm calling bullshit on that story. I think it's just made up. Yeah. To undermine. Undermine the strikers. I think they just made that up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's possible. I was telling someone today about the Benjamin Franklin story. We did three parts on Benjamin Franklin just now. Sarah, your mother knows, and there's this thing where he's negotiating with the King of England, the King George, and he's. He created this fake edition of a real paper that said that King George had a deal with the Native Americans to get 700 scalps, including women and children. And he, like, showed it to King George, and King George's like, Jesus Christ. That's not true. And Ben was like, looked in the. It's in the paper. So that's not a good look for you, my man. It was like great leverage.

[Sarah Tiana]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good stuff.

[Sarah Tiana]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

Ben F. Okay, so let's end it with. There are four pages of letters from readers who are helping out the Christmas fund, but also asking for gifts. Okay, Santa. Dear Santa, I am a little girl, nine years old. I would like for you to bring me a jointed doll, two feet high and a bed for it. And a chair, two picture books, some candy and nuts, and a pair of warm mittens. And I want a bracelet with hearts on it too. I enclose 20 cents for the poor children. Guess who that's from?

[Sarah Tiana]

Melania Trump.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Heard that, Melania. Dear Santa, please free me. I am captive.

[Sarah Tiana]

Bertha. Is it from Bertha? Really? It does.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It say.

[Sarah Tiana]

It says Bertha.

[Dave Anthony]

Bertha.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah, a lot of Berthas.

[Dave Anthony]

A lot of Berthas, yeah. Yeah. Terrible.

[Sarah Tiana]

Was there like a famous Bertha that everyone was named after?

[Dave Anthony]

Maybe, Yeah. I bet there was. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, I think it's the only famous one.

[Sarah Tiana]

That'S a. What is a jointed doll? Is that like one whose arms.

[Dave Anthony]

I bet, Yeah. I bet the first dolls just had straight arms. And now there's a doll with joints.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm having trouble sleeping again, Mom. Shut up. Blow your candle out. Look at your doll. But her arms won't go down. She's Frankensteining. Dear Santa, I just want a doll whose arms lower and eyes closed.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah, I would just like a doll that doesn't give me nightmares.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Sarah Tiana]

And Jesus Christ, I'm willing to tell my dad to end the funeral driver strike so we can bury this fucking doll.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I put her in plank when I go to bed. I just put her in plank.

[Dave Anthony]

Dear Santa, I have been a good boy all. All this year. I want you to fetch me some toys. I want a 40 year old horse. Yeah. I want a little horse and wagon and a little mouse that runs all over the floor. And my brother wants you to bring him a pair of skates and a sledge and a gun. I'm seven years old.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is Lawrence. Incredible.

[Sarah Tiana]

And my brother is too old to believe in Santa. But not too old to ask for a gift.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He said, I. I want a sled, a mouse and a gun. How's that?

[Sarah Tiana]

I like to use them all at once.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And a chopper on the roof of the building.

[Sarah Tiana]

Before I've earned it. I've been working in the mine for six years.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is a Christmas movie.

[Sarah Tiana]

I mean, a mouse that runs on the floor is definitely to terrorize his mother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's just a mouse, right?

[Sarah Tiana]

I wouldn't have even mailed that letter if I had seen it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I want a stationary mouse. I want a mouse that kind of runs around a little bit. Very out of character for a mouse.

[Dave Anthony]

Dear Santa, here is 10 cents for the poor children. I hope everyone will have a happy Christmas. I hope you don't miss anybody and please don't forget me. I am nine years old and I want a box of animals and a jackknife.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is a horrible combination. All these animals have their heads cut off. I asked, ask Santa for a jackknife. Holy. These are terrifying. I. I love the simplicity of the asks, but the asks are getting terrifying.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yes.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Sarah Tiana]

Love John Wayne Gacy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I want a noose and the skin of my neighbor.

[Dave Anthony]

I want to cut some Santa. I want to cut some people bad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I want one of your elf's bodies.

[Sarah Tiana]

And so many people wanted weapons when they were kids.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, I mean, I definitely. But it's like we hear gun now and you're like 9 millimeter. They were like little baby gun.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah, I mean, I guess.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Still weird to ask for a knife.

[Sarah Tiana]

It's had a knife.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

All right, last one. Dear Santa, please find 10 cents from my baby sister and 15 cents for me for your good cause and hope everybody will contribute a small might, which would mean so much for some poor little child and so little for the giver. It must be a sad disappointment I to be waked up and be slighted by Santa. I am one of the fortunate ones that has never been slighted by Santa. I wish you success in your good cause.

[Sarah Tiana]

Well, so he didn't ask for anything. He just said he didn't want him to miss anybody. Yeah, well, that was really nice. Anyway, his funeral will be. He's the one that died. All the other money hungry ones were like, I didn't get my joint a doll.

[Dave Anthony]

You know, we ended it with a happy one.

[Sarah Tiana]

That's a sweet kid. I hope he got everything he wanted. My son also wants a jointed doll, but it's called a transformer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, wow, that's good.

[Sarah Tiana]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, Sarah, thank you for joining us. You're a legend.

[Sarah Tiana]

Thank you for having me. Hello to my mom, sue, who I know is listening.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We love you, Sue.

[Dave Anthony]

Get your grandson a transformer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And make sure the arms go down.

[Dave Anthony]

What's a. What's a trans. What's a. What's a transformer running these days?

[Sarah Tiana]

Like about 25 bucks for. I know, for the little. You know.

[Dave Anthony]

But if you want a big one.

[Sarah Tiana]

What? If you want a big one, big one is there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sarah, on behalf of the show, Dave and I would like to build your son one.

[Dave Anthony]

Yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So give us a minute. We're gonna drop off Transformer. Whose arms do go down in the next 10 days, we will make this our top priority.

[Sarah Tiana]

Thank you. I appreciate that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you, Sarah. Hello, sue and Mary. Merry Christmas, everybody. And for those of you who don't celebrate. Whoops.

[Unknown Comedian]

Hey, comedy fans. The funniest comedians in the world are on tour, and you can get tickets to see them live near you. Laugh at the biggest names in comedy like Atsuka Okatsuka, Chelsea Handler, Jimmy Carr, Kathy Griffin, Matt Matthews, Matt Rife, Sarah Silverman, Sebastian Maniscalco, Stavros Helkias, Wanda Sykes, and so many more. All kinds of shows, all kinds of venues, all kinds of funny. Head to livenation.comcomedy to get your tickets today. That's livenation.comcomedy.