106 - The Past Times with Luke Simmons

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds – Episode 106: "The Past Times with Luke Simmons"

Introduction

In Episode 106 of The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds, aptly titled "The Past Times with Luke Simmons," hosts Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds dive into a humorous exploration of historical events, all while navigating unexpected changes in their guest lineup. Originally slated to feature Luke Simmons as a guest, an emergency led to his last-minute cancellation. Undeterred, the dynamic duo adapts, bringing Luke into the conversation unexpectedly and delivering a blend of historical anecdotes and comedic banter that both entertains and educates.

---

1. Navigating the Unexpected Guest

Timestamp: [01:05] - [05:00]

The episode kicks off with Dave and Gareth preparing to discuss a selected historical newspaper from January 26, 1854, sourced from the Portsmouth Daily Chronicle in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. However, their planned guest, presumably Luke Simmons, cancels due to an emergency, leaving the hosts to proceed solo. Demonstrating their versatility, Gareth jokingly adopts the role of "Bat Anthony," blending seamlessly into their routine despite the absence of a guest.

Notable Quote:

Gareth Reynolds ([01:25]): "I've never seen it before. And neither is our guest this week."

---

2. Exploring the 1854 Newspaper

Timestamp: [06:00] - [20:00]

Dave and Gareth delve into the historical newspaper, unpacking various stories with their signature humor. One highlighted story involves a con artist named ESP who falsely advertises a grand concert by "The Harmonians." ESP manages to deceive the hotel into providing accommodations and funding, only to abscond with the money, leaving ticket holders bewildered and empty-handed.

Notable Quotes:

Dave Anthony ([08:19]): "So as ESP took off with the money for... Yeah, he pulled the old con."

Gareth Reynolds ([12:00]): "What a cool time. The Salem Gazette says... it's like, what a different time."

The hosts humorously critique the newspaper's reporting, suggesting that ESP's fraudulent activities reflect broader societal issues of the era.

---

3. Guest Appearance: Luke Simmons Joins In

Timestamp: [09:00] - [27:00]

Just as the discussion intensifies, Luke Simmons unexpectedly joins the podcast via a green screen setup. This improvisational addition shifts the dynamic, allowing for spontaneous interactions and comedic exchanges. Luke engages with the hosts, sharing anecdotes and participating in the unraveling of the 1854 stories.

Notable Quotes:

Luke Simmons ([10:01]): "My guess would be the same year those vegan tacos were made and sealed. 1980."

Dave Anthony ([16:00]): "Burns is just getting beaten like a rug in the group text."

---

4. Historical Insights and Comedic Twists

Timestamp: [28:00] - [45:00]

The trio continues to dissect the newspaper, touching upon diverse topics such as public health concerns related to cow stables in New York, attempts to arrest fugitive slaves in New Bedford, and societal attitudes towards education. Throughout, they interweave humorous commentary and modern-day parallels, making historical events relatable and entertaining.

Notable Quotes:

Gareth Reynolds ([30:45]): "It's still just a voluminous illegal."

Dave Anthony ([33:33]): "So he's just there, and then he just left."

Luke adds to the humor by sharing personal stories and engaging in light-hearted banter, further enriching the conversation.

---

5. Interactive Comedy and Audience Engagement

Timestamp: [46:00] - [60:00]

The podcast transitions into more interactive segments, where Luke shares exaggerated tales of paintball duels and leg tacos, blurring the lines between reality and comedy. This segment showcases the hosts' ability to improvise and maintain a lively atmosphere, even when deviating from the planned historical narrative.

Notable Quotes:

Dave Anthony ([50:53]): "I did not."

Luke Simmons ([53:09]): "It's honestly a quarter because it's only one leg."

Gareth Reynolds ([55:39]): "I'm not in the military, but I have a position. Let's just say we've got to suck."

---

6. Concluding the Episode with Promotions and Final Laughs

Timestamp: [60:00] - [67:45]

As the episode nears its end, Dave and Gareth wrap up their discussion by promoting their upcoming tours and Patreon. Luke adds his promotional bits, ensuring that the episode concludes on a high note. The hosts reflect on the episode's journey, acknowledging the seamless integration of Luke despite the initial cancellation.

Notable Quotes:

Dave Anthony ([65:00]): "These boys out of danger."

Luke Simmons ([64:21]): "I'm gonna be doing some stand-up comedy on the road with opening for this. This guy. Gross. He's very funny, the guy. His name's Gareth."

---

Conclusion

Episode 106 of The Dollop masterfully balances historical exploration with dynamic comedy, even amidst unexpected challenges. Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds, alongside their impromptu guest Luke Simmons, deliver a captivating narrative that brings the past to life with laughter and insightful commentary. Whether you're a history buff or a comedy enthusiast, this episode offers a delightful blend of both, ensuring an engaging listening experience.

---

Additional Highlights:

• Adaptability: The hosts demonstrate remarkable adaptability by seamlessly incorporating Luke Simmons into the episode despite his last-minute cancellation, maintaining the flow and humor.

• Historical Critique: Through their comedic lens, Dave and Gareth offer sharp critiques of 19th-century societal norms and events, making historical content accessible and entertaining.

• Engaging Interactions: The interplay between Dave, Gareth, and Luke adds layers of humor and spontaneity, showcasing the hosts' chemistry and improvisational skills.

---

Note: This summary excludes advertisements, intros, outros, and non-content segments, focusing solely on the core discussions and comedic interactions of the episode.

Transcript

[Unknown Announcer]

Hey, comedy fans, the funniest comedians in the world are on tour and you can get tickets to see them live near you. Laugh at the biggest names in comedy like Atsuko Okotsuka, Chelsea Handler, Jimmy Carr, Kathy Griffin, Matt Matthews, Matt Rife, Sarah Silverman, Sebastian Maniscalco, Stavros Helkias, Wanda Sykes, and so many more. All kinds of shows, all kinds of venues, all kinds of funny. Head to livenation.comcomedy to get your tickets today. That's livenation.comcomedy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gareth Dennis Leary is going from warmonger to cheesemonger in the new Fox comedy Going Dutch.

[Dave Anthony]

Leary plays a legendary colonel put in charge of a non combat US army base in the Netherlands full of soldiers who are a little different than what you'd expect.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Danny Puddy from Community is the colonel's.

[Dave Anthony]

Second in command and the base captain is the colonel's estranged daughter, which obviously complicates things.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't miss the new Fox comedy Going Dutch, premiering Thursday following a new season of Animal Control on Fox.

[Dave Anthony]

All right, everybody. Welcome to the Past Times podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds and I've never seen it before. And neither is our guest this week. Our guest just canceled on us last minute. Had an emergency. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is that why there's no one here?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So what about Jose?

[Dave Anthony]

He's booked. He does his own podcast. It's called the Pawcast. But we were here and we were like, should we just fucking do this alone?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, since we're gonna do this, I'm gonna be Bat Anthony now.

[Dave Anthony]

That's a callback. That's a callback. But during this time, we would do banter. So. So why don't.

[Luke Simmons]

What.

[Dave Anthony]

What do you have to promote, Dave?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I am.

[Dave Anthony]

This is the promotional part.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Two days ago, I was at Hot Tub in Los Angeles.

[Dave Anthony]

Was that the final one?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, they're doing one more. But the 20 year run, 20 years of doing that show is not even.

[Dave Anthony]

A hint of an invite in this direction. But that's okay. Keep going.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, they wanted good people.

[Dave Anthony]

I always run into that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And people they enjoy being around.

[Dave Anthony]

I know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And. And they also had vegan. A vegan taco place at the bottom of the little hill they have there. And I ate it. And let's just say I've been paying for two days.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, wow. Boy, that'll get you that. That'll get you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My body can't handle all that vegan at once.

[Dave Anthony]

What was it? Vegan meat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's vegan everything. Yeah, Vegan meat. Yeah. Vegan cheese.

[Dave Anthony]

All.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ve gotta, my ass.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Yeah. Y. Okay, but wait, what were you gonna say about it? You.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fun show. You know, I haven't done stand up in so fucking long.

[Dave Anthony]

How long has it been?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think I haven't done it since the, since the pandemic hit. I can't remember doing it since the pandemic started. Yeah, I don't think I did. I don't think I did any Australia. I don't. Because I usually do some in Australia. I don't think I did in Australia. So I think I did none since then.

[Dave Anthony]

And how much were you prepping, by the way? I think we're gonna have a guest joining. Nope, I did not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I did not prep at all. I just had ideas. Like, I had five, Five ideas jotted down. I went up and babbled about them and it went well. Like, yeah, I, I. You know, thankfully, a CEO was shot that day, just shot the night before. So I had a lot of your.

[Dave Anthony]

Set list words with strikethroughs. You know what? I actually think I got it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I got to say, the audience, Audience was really on board with CEOs getting killed.

[Dave Anthony]

So strange that we, you know, we talk about this a lot. Why don't the, the Democrats run on these super popular issues? We have found a 90% winner, and it is a murder. I mean, that is a shocking number.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it just shows how low the bar is for them to actually do something.

[Dave Anthony]

But, I mean, this guy, this guy is like, he's like the John Elway of set. Like, he's never gonna pay for a meal again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

But anyway, we're not here to talk about how great that. By the way, we've been talking about this for a long time, so join our Patreon if you haven't. We're here to talk about a newspaper, Dave. Oh, we also. We're gonna go on tour. So go to dollap podcast.com for tour and information. We're going all over the Pacific. Southwest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, not the Pacific Southwest.

[Dave Anthony]

Sure. No, not the Pacific south. The Atlantic Southwest. So it's the Gulf.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The Gulf of Mexico South.

[Dave Anthony]

Ish.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's stuff above Mexico. How's that?

[Dave Anthony]

We're above Mexico.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We are, but it's Arizona, New Mexico, Texas.

[Dave Anthony]

Stop. I'm not. No, we're not doing that. We're gonna have a surprise. Do you know who the surprise guest is?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I do. I just saw.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, all right, well, why don't you, why don't we just start, he'll have no problem jumping in. He will.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not at all.

[Dave Anthony]

He's probably paying attention right now, his arms on fire, and he's trying to plug a microphone into his computer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I. I did buy that hat that I said I sent to you guys last night for Luke to wear on the next tour.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, tease should just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you want to know what the hat is?

[Dave Anthony]

No, leave it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. He's a mayor. He's a mayor of something.

[Dave Anthony]

A great tease.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. The paper, Gareth. Do you want to guess?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. The year. I'll guess that it's 1911.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's 1854. Man, you are ridiculous.

[Dave Anthony]

I've been off lately, but for a while, I did great. And you still had the same laugh, so it's really low stakes for me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is. The Portsmouth Daily chronicle from Portsmouth, New Hampshire, on January 26, 1854. So just a couple days before the super bowl, because back then it was at the end of January, so.

[Dave Anthony]

That's right, yeah, that's right. Yeah. What a. The teams are great. The most offensive team names ever were in the Super Bowl.

[Gareth Reynolds]

In position. A scamp calling himself Espeak. I just got that. Speak. Who has been occasionally loafing about Manchester, went to Derry a few days ago, put up at the hotel of Eeny, engaged a hall and gave notice that a grand concert would be given on a certain evening by the Harmonians.

[Dave Anthony]

Explain to me what's happening.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A guy who apparently loafs about Manchester rented out a hall.

[Dave Anthony]

Uhhuh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And he is putting on a show. I love the Harmonians. Who are clearly group. No, no, they're singers.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. They're harmonious. Yeah. You can't. You cannot have more than one harmonica player playing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, there goes the band idea.

[Dave Anthony]

That's part of the rule. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The whole.

[Dave Anthony]

You harmonic can't do that, in my opinion.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's weird because the band name that I have is the Harmonicans.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, Christ. Those were Native Americans, weren't they? We hear them coming.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So he said the.

[Dave Anthony]

The Harmonious just playing blues music for each other. Just the saddest. Like, they took our land. Lie to us. Go ahead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, consisting of John power, James Power, F. A. Reynolds, H. Savori, and Espeak. So people assembled and they said peak attended, attended the door. And just before the time for commencing arrived, he with the money was missing.

[Dave Anthony]

So as ESP took off with the money for. Yeah, he pulled the old.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, he represented to the landlord that a large company would attend from Nashua, for which preparations were made at the Hotel. We understand that he's played this game elsewhere. This is his.

[Dave Anthony]

What is his con exactly?

[Gareth Reynolds]

His con is I'm putting on a show.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Everybody buys tickets, they get inside and then he leaves.

[Dave Anthony]

Awesome. It's a great idea by the imag. I mean, there's now contracts, but they're probably. Were very light. Like they paid you up front.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. You just. It sounds like the hotel put him up. Like he just rolled up and was like, hey, man, I have. I have an idea.

[Dave Anthony]

Ah, we got a guest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We are joined by Luke Simmons, who foolishly put a green screen behind him. So he's going to be. We invite all of our fans to cut Luke out here and do whatever you want with that background.

[Dave Anthony]

Yep. Please enjoy the green screen.

[Luke Simmons]

I'm here to serve. I heard there was a online Jack Sesh happening.

[Dave Anthony]

No, no, no, you heard Rod.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, that's right. You're listening to Online Jack Sesh with David Gareth.

[Dave Anthony]

Look, we were going to have a guest. We were going to have you on soon.

[Luke Simmons]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

But then our guest dropped out and we thought, well, let's float it out there. So now you're a guest. So let's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who is doing nothing?

[Dave Anthony]

Let's. Let's catch you up. Dave ate vegan tacos a couple nights ago. Did he or did he not get diarrhea?

[Luke Simmons]

He did.

[Dave Anthony]

Of course. This paper is from. What year is your guess?

[Luke Simmons]

My guess would be the same year those vegan tacos were made and sealed. 1980.

[Dave Anthony]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Much closer.

[Dave Anthony]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because he has.

[Dave Anthony]

You listened to this show. 1980s.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He has an 8 in the number. Did you have an 8?

[Dave Anthony]

No, it's from. So he had an 1854.

[Luke Simmons]

It was gonna be my second guess.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He had a one and an eight, so he's way ahead.

[Dave Anthony]

Did you hear about the CEO of I did Healthcare? Yeah. Thoughts?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you morning?

[Luke Simmons]

I am. It's morning in America.

[Dave Anthony]

We just don't know how we're spelling it. Okay, so this first story is basically a guy said he was going to put on a show. The hotel gave him free room, probably free food. He got money and then he didn't. He skipped town with all the money and there's no show.

[Luke Simmons]

I like this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All the people went in, bought tickets and went inside and they're waiting for the show and then he just left.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love it.

[Dave Anthony]

It's pretty good.

[Luke Simmons]

You know where they're all looking. You just kind of creep out the back door.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, how great is it to think of the odd. Like you do. Lights down like all right. Everyone's like, oh, it's about just quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet. Go to the bathroom now before it starts. Someone just sitting there eating popcorn.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How easy was it to make money back then?

[Dave Anthony]

It was the best.

[Luke Simmons]

I love the idea of an usher just being sent out eventually to be like, hey, folks, I got some.

[Dave Anthony]

So interesting thing.

[Luke Simmons]

Quick update.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Luke Simmons]

The show is going to be me apologizing.

[Dave Anthony]

Sorry. And there's still like a couple musicians. Like the show's gonna be me. No, no, don't.

[Luke Simmons]

Oh, not helpful.

[Dave Anthony]

But about them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Luke.

[Luke Simmons]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you find the name that Gareth uses on this recording to be offensive?

[Luke Simmons]

I mean, which.

[Dave Anthony]

Why don't you say what it is?

[Gareth Reynolds]

First of all, it's Dave's dad.

[Luke Simmons]

Dave's dad. And he's got the title of man. So, you know, it depends on if he's. If it's a direct reference to your dad. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, I didn't think it might be.

[Luke Simmons]

There are other Daves. I know.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. No, that's just a general. Dave's dads. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you're just randomly saying Dave's dad. So it should be Dave's dads.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, there's a. Yeah. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So it seems very pointed.

[Luke Simmons]

Here's an interesting little piece of trivia. My uncle Dave, his dad, my grandfather was also Dave.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Luke Simmons]

So there's that several Dave's several generation you get in sort of like a infinite recursal Dave situation. Double rehearsal. Yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't ever say rehearsal on this podcast.

[Luke Simmons]

Fractal Daves.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, fractal.

[Dave Anthony]

We miss him. That's all I'm saying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, so we. This is. This papers in. In New Hampshire. It's from 1854. Catch up today.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, you can't pass now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Life and health.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, I can't wait for this stuff. Eat through your bottom, poop through your mouth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The Salem Gazette says that in Massachusetts.

[Dave Anthony]

Salem. Salem. Throw. Burn her. Burn her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's a whole burner section.

[Dave Anthony]

Burn her. How to know whether or not you should burn your witch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The annual registration report of deaths and marriages states that Essex and Berkshire counties have been slightly the healthiest in regard consumption. The same document said same.

[Luke Simmons]

They're doing good.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, they're doing real good with tb.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The same document says it will be perceived that comparatively as a class poppers have lived to the greatest age then follow in succession agriculturists, public men, professional men, merchants, mechanics, laborers, se.

[Dave Anthony]

So they're saying the richer you are, the longer you live.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, poppers are people who don't have money.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. But isn't. Aren't they saying that you live longer the more you know?

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're saying coppers have lived to the greatest age.

[Dave Anthony]

So they're saying poor live longest and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

People who don't work.

[Dave Anthony]

I wonder who don't work.

[Luke Simmons]

Or people who are like, why don't they get inside and drink some cool, clean water out of our lead pipes?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, right, Right. Yeah, yeah. Why don't they stick around in a room and cook their supper in steel and iron? Close those windows, gang.

[Luke Simmons]

Why? He hasn't had a chance to see a doctor and be prescribed pure, natural cocaine.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, they're just sitting inside coughing, and they're like, wow, why are we all getting so sick?

[Gareth Reynolds]

We hope no one will infer from these facts that pauperism is more favorable to longevity than any other condition. I just did that. They're right. Not working is what we should all be doing.

[Dave Anthony]

Shut up, boy.

[Luke Simmons]

Fell right into the trap.

[Gareth Reynolds]

For we suppose they only prove that very poor people when they happen to be very old, are commonly and very properly maintained by the town or city. And so when they die, are registered as paupers.

[Luke Simmons]

Interesting.

[Dave Anthony]

Even if it's not bullshit, it's like, all right, great. That's a great system.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. But, like, I don't get. I don't think they. But I don't think they did take care of them. I mean, sometimes they did, but no.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, it's probably hard for people to picture a time when we didn't take care of people like that. Luke, I don't know if you've listened to the show. One thing I like to do is highlight the way that things are still awful.

[Luke Simmons]

Oh, I see what you've done. Sort of flipped it around a little bit.

[Dave Anthony]

By the way, if you think the way Dave texts about you on our group text is bad, you should be on the one with Burns. It is full blown illegal.

[Luke Simmons]

What happens on that thread, that's Burns's secret kink, though.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Burns take shots like nobody has.

[Dave Anthony]

Burns is just getting beaten like a rug in the group test.

[Luke Simmons]

He likes it. I think part of him must like it.

[Dave Anthony]

The amount of times where all caps in the group thread, Burns goes, what is wrong with you two? Like, because he's like, asking about if we could record or something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, something very simple.

[Dave Anthony]

Something very simple. He's like, can we move it a half hour tomorrow? It's like, we should kill you. And he's like, what? I'm just asking you a scheduling question.

[Luke Simmons]

It's like, it's the opposite of a Praise Kink. He likes it.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, he does.

[Luke Simmons]

Dachshund is his favorite dog because he likes crawling with his belly to the earth, keeping it low, being kind of like, what. What's happening?

[Gareth Reynolds]

True.

[Luke Simmons]

He loves.

[Dave Anthony]

Do you know, I know that he likes dachshunds, but then. Then he lost me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Those are not good dogs.

[Luke Simmons]

Take it up with Burns.

[Dave Anthony]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're little. They're little. Like, they're not. They're not great dogs.

[Dave Anthony]

They're.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They have a lot of issues. But now it makes sense that Burns would like that. It's not so much the fact that it drags his tummy on the ground. It's that they're emotionally weird.

[Dave Anthony]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the Niagara, there is a report that another duel between Mr. Sule and Lord Howden.

[Dave Anthony]

I know who I'm rooting for.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Was only deferred on account by the death of one of the members of the latter's family.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So they had to.

[Dave Anthony]

Can't duel because someone died.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Luke Simmons]

In a duel.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A dual funeral before pre duel.

[Luke Simmons]

Oh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A person perished. So they're like, well, I guess we got to delay that.

[Dave Anthony]

But the truth is, like, what I've learned from the. The podcast is that, you know, dueling, to me was like, even in movies, the way they set up dueling, like. Like, one guy died. It was like, actually, two guys missed. And then people like, let's get pie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right. That's how it works. So I'm actually surprised you've learned anything from this podcast.

[Dave Anthony]

I've learned a number of things, but that's probably there's. I think, as you've learned, I've not learned a lot. I've learned some stuff. And what people like to fixate on is what I've missed. How.

[Luke Simmons]

How far off do you think we are from dueling? Coming back?

[Dave Anthony]

We got a lot closer this week.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Not far. There has been some growling in the papers against President Pierce for appointing this Monsieur Soleil our Minister to Spain, Mr.

[Dave Anthony]

Son.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But we always thought it a very fit appointment. It. If it is our manifest destiny to be a filibustering people and get all Mexico and Cuba and other countries whose names have not yet transpired as it seems to be, and to do it all by all sorts of means, especially by picking all sorts of quarrels, then Mr. Soleil and his hopeful son are precisely the bad Mr. Sun's son.

[Dave Anthony]

It's crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Edwell will represent us as better than anybody else, only they may be a trifle too fast. I can't tell if this is pro.

[Dave Anthony]

Manifestosity, that's what's so great sometimes about these articles where you're just like, what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Dave Anthony]

What are we saying? There's a lot of passion. What?

[Luke Simmons]

It sounds like Mr. Soleil and Mr. Soleil Jr both like to fight. And they're like, if we're looking for somebody to fight, they're going to fight.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah. You got Mr. Sun, the Sun Boys.

[Luke Simmons]

The Sun Boys. And the author seems not to want to take a side so that it doesn't get fought by either the pro fighters or the anti fighters.

[Dave Anthony]

So you're saying he's doing dual neutrality? Just.

[Luke Simmons]

He's just trying to stay out of it.

[Dave Anthony]

By the way. Let's do it. Here's a Challenge me to a duel. It's 1854. Challenge me to a duel, sir.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You have offended my honor and I challenge ye to a fight to the death.

[Dave Anthony]

No, I'm sorry. Shouldn't have done that. See you later.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, that's it. I'm out. I leave.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's it.

[Dave Anthony]

I would just be like, nah, it's crazy. Come on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did you hear you?

[Luke Simmons]

He double insulted him by refusing his duels.

[Dave Anthony]

He'd just be like, nah, it's crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's something that people don't pick up on. Is that all duels happen because someone wouldn't apologize?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. I mean, by the way, in the amount of times in, like, my relationship where I've been like, hey, I'm sorry. Like, I'm just like, that's a pretty good card to play.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

All right, my bad. Let's watch a movie.

[Luke Simmons]

And you've been challenged to several duels as well. I demand satisfaction.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's how this podcast ends.

[Dave Anthony]

We've said it for a while, and without question, it really should. Everything's going to shit. And Dave and I, for Patreon are like, one of us dies or just.

[Luke Simmons]

Get shot in the gut.

[Dave Anthony]

If we get 13, 000 subs, we'll duel.

[Luke Simmons]

I think you could do it with Roman candles.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, we used. I mean, I've done that. Paintballs. I've done a paintball duel.

[Luke Simmons]

Yeah, paintball duel.

[Dave Anthony]

It was awful. Paintball duel is when you start losing. You're gonna lose real bad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I bet the person keeps shooting you.

[Dave Anthony]

After shooting, and you. You can't be like, that's not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But that's not how a duel works.

[Luke Simmons]

You just get one shot. I will say this. I don't know how he'll feel about me volunteering him, but I get bet burns and I would duel on film. If you guys got to a patreon level and wanted us to duel, it's great.

[Dave Anthony]

It's great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. When I was, like, 12, we used to do ramen candle duels all the time.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Luke Simmons]

One time I had come home from college for a break, and I had been to Amsterdam that semester. And so I brought home this huge bottle of absinthe, and we were all drinking it in my friend's grandmother's house who had just passed away. And he was in charge of, like, taking care of it for his family. And he was not drinking because he had flipped his car with a DUI earlier in the summer.

[Dave Anthony]

This story's called Tangential Details.

[Luke Simmons]

Regardless, we were messing up his grandma's house. Todd was like, I really don't want any of this happening. I don't know why you guys chose here to do this. And I said, todd, listen, you just got a new paintball gun. How about this? I will let you shoot me one to five times, depending on how many shots you can hit, as I run shirtless across the backyard. If you let us keep drinking this bottle of absence. And Todd was like, 100%.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You've always been Luke.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Luke Simmons]

What? I didn't know. It was. It was like a submachine gun paintball. And so as soon as I stepped out into the yard, I was like. I'm like. And I just. I went down. And then he just was passing it around, and from the deck, they were like an execution squad. It was horrible. I woke up, it looked like I had been stung by a hundred giant wasps. Anyway, this ain't my first paintball duel.

[Dave Anthony]

Burns.

[Luke Simmons]

Watch out.

[Dave Anthony]

I've heard this story three different times, and I still go. I don't get it.

[Luke Simmons]

I don't either. Have you tried absinthe? No. It's great.

[Dave Anthony]

Ugh. For fuck's sake. Alright, come on, Dave. Let's lock it up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. Okay.

[Unknown Announcer]

Hey, comedy fans. The funniest comedians in the world are on tour, and you can get tickets to see them live near you. Laugh at the biggest names in comedy like Atsuko Okotsuka, Chelsea Handler, Jimmy Carr, Kathy Griffin, Matt Matthews, Matt Rife, Sarah Silverman, Sebastian Maniscalco, Stavros, Helkias, Wanda Sykes, and so many more. All kinds of shows, all kinds of venues, all kinds of funny. Head to livenation.comcomedy to get your tickets today. That's livenation.comcomedy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gareth Dennis Leary is going from warmonger to cheesemonger in the new Fox comedy Going Dutch.

[Dave Anthony]

Leary plays a Legendary colonel put in charge of a non combat US army base in the Netherlands full of soldiers who are a little different than what you'd expect.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Danny Putty from Community is the colonel's.

[Dave Anthony]

Second in command, and the base captain is the Colonel's estranged daughter, which obviously complicates things.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't miss the new Fox comedy going Dutch, premiering Thursday following a new season of Animal Control on Fox. The New Bedford Mercury says the account of the attempt to arrest the fugitive slaves in that city by the Portsmouth Globe is a mess of stupid statements.

[Dave Anthony]

Wow. Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So.

[Dave Anthony]

So we're.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so we're on the. The Portsmouth Globe.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so. So some. Someone tried to arrest a fugitive slaves. It says there was no excitement in the city and not 10 persons knew anything about the matter at all.

[Dave Anthony]

It's just so funny when you're like, empathy is like. That's humiliating.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. The Globe alleged that the bells were rung to alarm the people and that the occasion furnished texts in the pul.

[Dave Anthony]

The idea that you have a Amber Alert for people, that's what. Trying to be free.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a. Yeah, it's totally. It's an Amber alert. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Just the bell. Oh, no.

[Luke Simmons]

Run it.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, boy. They just take out Roman candles. Get them, boys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hunters were doubtless fearful of dangers that did not exist. The bells were pro. Oh, so the slave hunters thought they were ringing the bells to get the people out after the slave hunters?

[Dave Anthony]

I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think that's what they're saying.

[Luke Simmons]

Interesting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The bells were probably rung for some lecture or other common purpose. And the text might be accidentally taken or might relate to Gardner Dean's abduction. So now I don't know what's happening.

[Dave Anthony]

Like this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is now.

[Luke Simmons]

So with more information, it sounds like these proto law officers heard a sound and panicked and thought that they were under threat when they were, in fact actively pursuing minorities. Yeah, what a different time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then like a Luke story, they just threw in gardener deeds. Abduction.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, there's probably some guy with the bell guide. He's like, how many rings for slaves? Like, you idiot. You just did. The gardener's missing. Everyone's gonna be super confused.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So they made an extravagant story, but the Mercury, though a pretty smart paper, does not know that all goes in on New. Oh, the. The mailman's here.

[Luke Simmons]

Is there a fugitive gardener in your.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, we've got gardener Dean in your house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's a fugitive mailman does not know that all goes in on New Bedford. Its statement quoted above confirms the truth of the story that there was such a hunt and that it failed of its object. So, yeah, so they rang the bells in the and the, the slave owners probably went did a little wildly on just normal people because they thought they were going to be attacked. I mean, that's what this sounds like, right?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's good. What a cool, what a cool system.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cool time.

[Dave Anthony]

Cool time.

[Luke Simmons]

I like. That's what I love about America. You said it and you forget it. You don't have to change a thing from the start.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, no, I, I, I've always loved what, like, Mitch McConnell's been like. Well, of course I'm not going to apologize for slavery. I wasn't alive for it. You're like, oh, my God, how hard is it to just be like, yeah, I was so up. I'm not gonna do that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

An important order with reference to the public health has been offered in the New York Common Council directing that a committee be appointed to investigate the cow stables.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And milk manufactories situated in the upper part of that city.

[Dave Anthony]

More than we're doing for bird flu.

[Gareth Reynolds]

With a number of cows which die weekly through intoxications and other ills and diseases pertaining to their management. Well, it is in.

[Dave Anthony]

We got drunk cows.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is in New York, so they're probably not eating. Great.

[Dave Anthony]

No, and, and like this.

[Luke Simmons]

These are cows in the Bronx.

[Dave Anthony]

There's Bronx cows. Okay, Give them a little more pizza.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I bet it's Manhattan at that point.

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, this cow loves a calzone. These cows are super sick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, I'm gonna take the cows down to the shawarma king.

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, give him the p. I call it a cow pie. And what do you want?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Chocolate?

[Dave Anthony]

It's all. Come on, you can get a cow. Yeah, just like feeding him little Caesars O. There you go.

[Luke Simmons]

I'm sorry. This cow doesn't like the chopped beef sandwich.

[Dave Anthony]

Yo, this cow ain't cut out for New York.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, hey, let's get two calzones and a big old pie for this cow.

[Dave Anthony]

All right. Hey, man, these cows are super sick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

God damn, this one's tummy drags on the ground.

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, man, this one cow died and explode. These guys are really sick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, I haven't seen this much diarrhea since that guy ate a vegan burrito.

[Dave Anthony]

Spoiler, he got diarrhea. He got real bad diarrhea. Speaking of pending diarrhea, we have I the amount of snacks I have for Luke to do a segment the next time I see him for Patreon. We're ready to Roll. And I would say I hope they don't go bad, but I kind of hope they do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

For those of you who don't know what we're talking about, Luke ate a possum flavored piece of candy.

[Luke Simmons]

It's horrible. Really horrible.

[Dave Anthony]

It was amazing. It was amazing.

[Luke Simmons]

It's still. I mean, like, it's one of the few things. Smell makes me gaggy if I think about it too much.

[Dave Anthony]

Just so good.

[Luke Simmons]

It's real rough passion.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, this story is continuing.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If the committee does. Does its duty thoroughly, we shall see some sad revelations of human life. Sacrifice to cupidity.

[Dave Anthony]

Cupidity. That's got to be. What is that, like love or something? Like Cupid, I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cow love.

[Dave Anthony]

Cow love. Better. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The cows which are fed with slops from the distillery and brewery begin to decline in hell.

[Dave Anthony]

Yo, give him some more of his whiskey mush.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, shovel the stuff out of the bottom of this barrel.

[Dave Anthony]

Give it to the cow. And these guys are pretty sick because I gave them fermented yeast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know why.

[Dave Anthony]

I don't know what's up with these cows.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So the. They're. The cows which are fed with the slops from the distillery and brewery begin to decline in health almost at the moment when they begin to feed on this.

[Dave Anthony]

So what are we doing? Why is there even a committee? Should not one person just be like, whoa, that's not a good idea?

[Luke Simmons]

Furthermore, in feeding the cows bleach, they seem to decline as well.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes. You up in the front, Go ahead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why don't we feed them grass?

[Dave Anthony]

It's an interesting pitch, but what we've been trying to do is feed them sort of a mushy brandy. So we're kind of trying to get to the bottom of what's going on. Yeah, you again. Go ahead. Quick follow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did they eat mushy brandy out in nature? Is that what they.

[Dave Anthony]

No, no, no, no, no, no. Cows prefer grass, hay, things of that nature. But what we've been doing is trying to give them a bit of a. A mash. So it's a bit of a. A bourbony brandy mash. Yes, go ahead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Should we just feed them what they eat in nature?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, I think what you're missing is that we've been trying to sort of give them a bourbony gruel and they're eating that and they have been getting very sick. So we're trying to kind of get to the bottom of that. Yes. New guy.

[Luke Simmons]

Has anyone tried kicking them in the throat?

[Dave Anthony]

We have tried kicking Them in the throat? It's not. They don't seem to respond to that. But that's a pretty good question. Maybe we'll give that a shot as well. So. Yep, go ahead. You again. Jesus Christ. Can we feed them than a game show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can we feed them human feces?

[Dave Anthony]

It's a very interesting idea. We have been talking about just down their throats. So we'll probably give that a shot. But for the time being, we think that the problem is they're not used to the mushy bourbon gruel. So we'll be giving them that for a little while longer just to see if that balances out. Last question. Because you are really just a thorn in my side. Go ahead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I think all of my body is rotting out and I just mostly eat cow.

[Luke Simmons]

Has anyone tried kicking him in the throat?

[Dave Anthony]

That's a great call. So we'll kick that guy in the throat. Cows should be good. Thanks, everybody for coming out to this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is a terrible meeting.

[Dave Anthony]

My name is Mike Miller.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi, Mike.

[Dave Anthony]

Hi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Harper's new monthly for January comes without the pictures on account.

[Dave Anthony]

That's a big player back then. What? So I gotta do mind photos.

[Gareth Reynolds]

On account of the fire? Well, but the reading matter is as good as ever. I mean, the Harpers did burn down back then.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, it did?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. The whole thing burned down. So whatever.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Still make your fucking paper.

[Luke Simmons]

Was there illustrator inside?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. He's just holding on to his pencils. Donald, no.

[Luke Simmons]

Donald, get a quick sketch of the fire hanging.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying. His pencil's on fire. Goddamn pencil caught fire for some reason. Donald, everything's wood. Stop holding paper. You've got tinder and wood. My belongings.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My belongings.

[Dave Anthony]

My belongings. He's holding paper and wood. His pencils and papers are on fire. Donald, think of the long term. I'll need these to sketch the forearms.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why did they make paper flammable?

[Dave Anthony]

Who knew paper and pencils were.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like how a guy burning this now sounds like a guy drowning.

[Dave Anthony]

It gets gurgly. Well, his throat becomes watery.

[Luke Simmons]

The fire department showed up and tried to put it out. Yeah, it's a happy ending. Donald survived.

[Dave Anthony]

I got my day out for the new drawings. Donald has really taken a dive. The drives will be a little late this month. Okay. All right. He's still got it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A correspondent writes to the Post that. What's Geo.

[Dave Anthony]

Geo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it's geography or something. Geo Lipard, Esquire. The author is sick and destitute. He is residing in an almost Dying condition without proper attendance or care in the second story of an old house situated in an unfrequented part of Philadelphia.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What a crazy story.

[Dave Anthony]

I really feel like this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go help him. What are you. Why are you pricking the.

[Dave Anthony]

I feel like this should launch Luke into some story about fireworks. I'm shocked that that hasn't come already.

[Luke Simmons]

It just. It really feels like listening back. They treated a lot of the news like a nature photographer would today, where they're like, we can't step in and help.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. There's a bit documentary, like, let it play.

[Luke Simmons]

Now what happens? He's riding in there.

[Dave Anthony]

Woman screams, help me. To me. I do nothing. A journal entry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you remember that famous South. I think it was a South African photographer who took it. But he took a picture of a kid in Ethiopia and there was like a vulture, like, standing right in front of him. And everybody lost their minds. And the guy got all these death threats and killed himself. Yeah, he did kill himself, I believe.

[Luke Simmons]

A couple years later. Because he was like. Was the wrong move in retrospect.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, he. No, he. They. They didn't let the kid die. They. They went and then they saved him. He took the picture, but people saved the kid. But everyone's just like, I can't believe you let him die. And he's like, I didn't. People.

[Dave Anthony]

And then did he take his own life?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I believe so. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

So it's the worst of both worlds.

[Luke Simmons]

Yeah. I think he just kind of was bummed out by watching hundreds of thousands of people starve to death.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, he wouldn't make it in today's world. But.

[Luke Simmons]

Toughen up.

[Dave Anthony]

Do what we do. Love it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shoot. CEO. What are you talking about? All right. The unknown island. The British brig Chatham was lately wrecked on an island in the Pacific hitherto undiscovered.

[Dave Anthony]

Hitherto.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why don't we bring that back?

[Dave Anthony]

How are you spelling that?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hitherto H, I, T, H, E, R, T, O.

[Dave Anthony]

It's great. If someone made that point, I'd be like, curb him. He throw to open his mouth on concrete. Now as he's eating curb. Hello.

[Luke Simmons]

Hitherto teeth were fine.

[Dave Anthony]

Hitherto tooth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The captain gives an account of the adventures of himself and the crew. Quote, we were distributed among the people of the island where we spent a most wretched night.

[Luke Simmons]

Oh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Expecting to be speared every moment.

[Dave Anthony]

One star would not revisit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The next morning commenced our naturalization. We were all drawn together and armed with spears and marched off to the north end of the island as we supposed to be their sacrifice to their gods. For they have many.

[Dave Anthony]

That is crazy to arm. Like you're getting a spear. You're like, oh cool.

[Luke Simmons]

I don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He may have just. That may just been a different way to say it, but I think they were, I think they were held by spears. I don't know.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, so sort of. Yeah, that's what happened to Brittany. She was held by spears.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh no, no, you're right.

[Dave Anthony]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Damn you.

[Dave Anthony]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

But the training ended well to me.

[Luke Simmons]

One more time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But the training ended well and we were taken to our respective houses.

[Dave Anthony]

Imagine the train. Wait. And then they were taking the houses.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Their how their respective houses again.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean when you get back, like. All right. Hey, let's real quick while we have a minute. What the actual is their plan right now? What are they doing? Like we become amazing fighters now we live in a house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, look, so here. So I'm scared because what these people are doing is giving us spears, showing them how to use them and they're giving us houses. And then this, this, this island is up like savages.

[Dave Anthony]

This is real weird prisonry.

[Luke Simmons]

We have to kill them before they do whatever bad thing is coming. Look, they're preparing a feast.

[Dave Anthony]

They just come in and they're like, you have to vote one person off. Like what the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

For several days, this training. For several days, this training was carried on differing only as their modes of worship differ according to which of the gods they worship. We then found that we were considered supreme beings.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh my God. Boys, another new twist. We're gods.

[Gareth Reynolds]

See, I, we were. I Look guys, we were paranoid because every island we go to, we kill everybody.

[Dave Anthony]

Just so you know, normally in this situation you guys have a terrible reputation of eating us, but you're elevating us. This is awesome.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And that we had nothing to fear as long as they thought so. The natives worship idols, by the way.

[Dave Anthony]

That is an amazing way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

To put yourself. Sorry, what was it? You have nothing to fear. As long as we thought so. Okay then.

[Luke Simmons]

Day two. David got diarrhea.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh God. The gods don't get diarrhea.

[Dave Anthony]

What have you done?

[Gareth Reynolds]

David, what have you done?

[Dave Anthony]

Jesus. Put a cork in it, idiot.

[Luke Simmons]

It spear him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The natives worship idols departed spirits of their own race and have godsmen or a species of pagan priests among themselves whom they worship on particular occasions. Okay, so whatever. So that was it. That's the story. Happy ending.

[Dave Anthony]

I, I wonder. I I is that like, like island pr like someone's like, we got to get out. Some of these feel good stories about where instead of eating these guys, we're actually making them gods among us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Luke Simmons]

Well, I just think in every case where white people meet other people, we're like, they're terrifying. Let's get them.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, but I also think that I'm always like, kill the white people.

[Luke Simmons]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Like, am I? I'm like, that's the right move. But people on boats show up. The move is to just kill them right away.

[Luke Simmons]

That's why I love that one tribe that's still uncontacted.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Luke Simmons]

And every time they show up, they're like, get him quick. It's like they're doing the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kill that guy.

[Luke Simmons]

This is the correct choice.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm making a tik tok about these people who have never learned about tik tok.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, well, there was that Christian guy who went out there to try to convert them. And that didn't work.

[Dave Anthony]

No. No. Well.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Education dangerous. The shepherd of the Valley, a Catholic newspaper published in St. Louis, utters the following singular sentiments in relation to. To popular education. We are not friends of popular education as present understood. Hey, by the way, in 2024, you are still not.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Friends with popular education.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The popular popularity of a humbug shall never we trust lead us to support it. We do not believe that the masses of our modern reformers insultingly call the laboring class are one wit more happy, more respectable, or better informed for knowing how to read. Oh, they. They don't want the masses to know how to read.

[Dave Anthony]

Wow.

[Luke Simmons]

I'm gonna be honest. I don't know if I've. Most of the things I read don't make me happier.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, okay. That's true.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think the more, you know, the less happy you are.

[Luke Simmons]

If you balance out the things I've read that I'm like, I'm happy having read that versus, like. Like, oh, no.

[Dave Anthony]

What I. I read for. I. I wouldn't say read for depression, but I read to go like, Yep, that's right. It's real bad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We think that the masses were never less happy, less respectable, or less respected than they have been since the Reformation, and particularly within the last 50 to 100 years since Lord Brougham caught the mania of teaching them to read. The mania of teaching them to read.

[Dave Anthony]

Give it a shot. The mania.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And communicated the disease, the readings of disease, the disease to a large proportion of the English nation, of which, in spite of all our talk, we are often in the servile imitators.

[Dave Anthony]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So the Catholics don't want people to read Betsy DeVos. Bingo. Our entire Supreme Court. Yeah. We. We hope our Catholic readers will think of this and say what they think. Is it better to learn or be ignorant, wise or foolish? Is it better to be able to read papers and write letters or to have a priest read for us and tell us what he pleases?

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God. It's crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

These are the questions that's so crazy. I mean, it's the same today.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, that's what I mean. It's just like. It's the same where it's like, would you rather do your own research or should I tell you what you think?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Luke Simmons]

What did your son say about yesterday? He said he had a great time getting ready for Mass and that no one touched him.

[Dave Anthony]

He was not touched.

[Luke Simmons]

It was untouched.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Lady, Here's a little one ad stuff.

[Dave Anthony]

Ladies, by the way, one ad with lady. That's not great ever. Lady needed to berate ladies fur lost. Ladies fur lost. They call it the Brazilian.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Monday, January 23rd. Somewhere between Portsmouth and Exeter. A Norway sable fur tippet.

[Dave Anthony]

Sable.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Said fur might have been left at the Squamscott House. Exeter. If not, it was dropped between there and this city. Any person returning the same to the residence of Robert Liffe.

[Dave Anthony]

Dave, is it true after you ate tacos, you got squam squat burrito? Yeah, Right, Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Massive scum.

[Dave Anthony]

Squat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Squam squat.

[Luke Simmons]

And you did clean up with a sable tippet.

[Dave Anthony]

Disabled tippet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Boy wanted in a store acquire at number 18 Pleasant Street.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God. Excuse me. What are you looking for? I'm not gonna get into that. We want a boy and we need a boy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It'd be so amazing to put that same ad in the paper.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God. We should start dropping weird ads in. Oh, my God.

[Luke Simmons]

Boy wanted Inquire at pizza place in.

[Dave Anthony]

Washington D.C. 12 looking for a boy about 12. Call me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

French calf skins. Just received a prime lot of French calf skins and for sale low at 14 and a half Market street, corner of Ladd Street. How do you have a half? How do you have a half? Market? There are no addresses yet. How are you already doing a half?

[Dave Anthony]

You know, as someone who one time lived in a half, I live the worst. It is such a. It is such a nightmare to have a half. I can't even imagine back then. But you had a half. And you would be like. Like, you'd be on the phone with, like a company. Be like, yeah, I need to get like Internet here. And they'd Be like, all right, and are you eight, six, four or eight, six, five. You'd be like, I'm eight, six, four and a half. They're like, right, sorry, no, what we need. And you're like, I'm telling you, I'm a half.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, hold on.

[Dave Anthony]

Shut down the system. No halves.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We need a new computer.

[Dave Anthony]

It is shocking. It's like you can't. I mean, what, you're a half.

[Luke Simmons]

Although it's on, it's usually an honest reflection of the apartment. It's like, this isn't. This can't get a whole one. This is not 60.

[Dave Anthony]

I don't think that they are of a value. Like, you're not a whole apartment.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I've looked over the apartment as an appraiser and this one is. So you.

[Dave Anthony]

You and your neighbor are splitting an address? Yes. Your place is just not what we consider an apartment. What you A taught are halves.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They should do A or B works, right?

[Dave Anthony]

A bit way better. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Half is crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

Half is crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. A or B.

[Dave Anthony]

It when I was again being a half. Awful.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, at this time it's 1854. You can just go down the street and go, hey, we're moving everyone's number down one.

[Dave Anthony]

You could knit. You could be like, you're gonna be Rogers Road, like literally any. You're gonna be your own city. You're Brayesville, Ray.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So yeah, now you're raised ville.

[Dave Anthony]

So now you get your own zip code. Nothing means anything. It's 1854, by the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We got distracted by the 14 and a half. But the. The ad is for French calf skins.

[Dave Anthony]

That's right.

[Luke Simmons]

Like the back of your shin.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes, right. Yes, right where I do. Yeah. Leg lifts, huh? If you check these out, if you.

[Luke Simmons]

Have skipped leg day, there is.

[Dave Anthony]

Here you go. Is this prosciutto? No, he's back of my legs. Huh. You like this? Ah. What do you do? 5 francs per or 2 for 8.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You want to lick it while it's on me or you like to lick it taken off?

[Dave Anthony]

What should I do with this? You cook it up in a little olive oil sometimes. And you eat the back of the calf skin.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Huh?

[Dave Anthony]

Very nice. Okay, great. Just lovely. Take a bit of the calf skin slowly. Butter. Lovely. You're gonna love this project.

[Luke Simmons]

Gaston. Beautiful calves. You've really worked on them. Leg lifts. Yeah. Leg day. Yes, lovely.

[Dave Anthony]

You're barely a quad.

[Luke Simmons]

There's. This is a fun thought experiment. There was a guy, this comes up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whatever he's gonna say, yep, this is what it's like being in the van.

[Luke Simmons]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can tell you what's gonna happen now is gonna be terrible.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes. Yes.

[Luke Simmons]

It's something I like to bring up. If someone's getting on my case for being a vegetarian, and they're like, oh, you wouldn't eat meat. I'm like, well, here's a puzzler for you. There was a guy who lost his whole leg clean in a motorcycle accident. And the hospital, clean, but it just, like, sheared off. So it was just like, like, sure, full, solid leg. And the hospital's like, do you want it? Because we're just gonna incinerate it. He's like, yeah, I'll take it. And he brought it home, and he invited everyone to come over and made leg tacos.

[Gareth Reynolds]

See, this is why people don't want to hear what Luke's gonna say.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, I remember when we were, like, real commiserating over what we read. Like, we're all like, yeah, exactly. And then Luke's like, let me tell you a story about a guy who did a leg potluck.

[Luke Simmons]

Because here's the thing. I'm a vegetarian, but I'll try a leg taco if it's he answering questions.

[Dave Anthony]

That are nowhere near being.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No one's asking that.

[Dave Anthony]

Nobody was like, hey, Luke, let me put you in a quandary how this started when he's like, whenever people give me for being a vegetarian, I hit him with this leg taco tail. Imagine, like, being. Imagine being out and hearing that Luke make that argument and be like, hey, man, we're having two different conversations and different meals.

[Luke Simmons]

How are the tacos look?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did he tell. Did he tell people that they were.

[Luke Simmons]

Invited them over specifically to have leg taco?

[Gareth Reynolds]

And did people eat it?

[Luke Simmons]

I think some of them did. And it turned into a bit of a scandal because the police were like, why? He's not allowed to do that? And he was like, why is he.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Allowed to do it?

[Luke Simmons]

Yeah, exactly.

[Dave Anthony]

I also love the cops showing up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, all right. Put the leg down or taco.

[Dave Anthony]

We got a 942-618-8841, and a half guy making leg tacos at his little party.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, is that a 92648 a or a half?

[Dave Anthony]

Half. It's leg tacos.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think we can do that in the computer.

[Dave Anthony]

I guess you're right.

[Luke Simmons]

It's actually a quarter because it's only one leg. So it's a fourth of the body.

[Dave Anthony]

We're actually not sure what you're saying. Can you reprint. Sorry, this guy. This Guy's serving leg.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So the movie is. Is that one of the guys that goes there loves leg tacos. And then he's always making like tacos. And for to do that, he kills people.

[Dave Anthony]

I think the movie is someone in a bar asking Luke why he's a vegetarian. He's like, you really want to know why? Did I ever. You ever hear the story about the guy whose leg got ripped clean off?

[Luke Simmons]

Because once you've had leg taco, there's no going back. Nothing else will serve.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, then they find out that the guy's leg didn't get ripped off in a motorcycle. He cut it off to make tacos for his friend.

[Luke Simmons]

Friends.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because he's a serious vegan. I don't make it a point. And the guy's name is Luke Simmons.

[Dave Anthony]

Amazing. This all started with Luke being like, let me jump in. So sometimes people will ask me why. Sometimes people ask me why I don't eat fish. I just hit him with the leg taco.

[Luke Simmons]

Because I think the fish would rather not. But the leg wanted to be a taco.

[Dave Anthony]

So will you eat lamb? So one time a guy's leg came off in a motorcycle accident. He invited people over and made leg tacos. And the cops were dicks.

[Luke Simmons]

Ali gam, I won't eat lamb, but I'll eat games.

[Dave Anthony]

There's just. You just see a regular party with like a huge moat around where Luke's standing. Did you talk to that guy? Yeah. He hit you with that leg taco stuff?

[Luke Simmons]

You got him, right? He did. And then me from the background going, how's the barbacoa?

[Dave Anthony]

He. He's living in another version of the conversation we're having right now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, completely like.

[Dave Anthony]

He's like. Some guy's like, where's the barbacoa? We're like, what are you doing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I made several different types of meat out of this. You got the asada, you got the barbacoa, you got the burrito.

[Dave Anthony]

I fed my leg a. But I. I pated my calf.

[Luke Simmons]

French style.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Luke, is there a part of the human body you wouldn't eat?

[Luke Simmons]

Oh, Dave, why on offer?

[Dave Anthony]

On offer is a crazy follow up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's got to.

[Luke Simmons]

No, that's the starting point.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Dave Anthony]

No. Not on offer. Nope.

[Luke Simmons]

And none. Then none again. It's offer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. On offer. Say it's on.

[Luke Simmons]

It honestly depends more on the person.

[Dave Anthony]

Offer is someone who's talked far too much about cannibalism. We talking on offer or what's the deal?

[Luke Simmons]

I think it depends on the person. And Their diet if they're doing a lot of like, Baja Blast, Mountain Dew kind of stuff and like, so, like, you smoking and.

[Dave Anthony]

I wouldn't eat myself.

[Luke Simmons]

I would not eat me. Sure not. I wouldn't recommend it.

[Dave Anthony]

Luke. Luke being disgust. But if it's some guy who goes to a gas station and finds like, tamarand potatoes, chips or something like that, pass.

[Luke Simmons]

I can tell you from inside the experience, not delicious.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, Rocky Road flavored pretzels.

[Luke Simmons]

That sounds good. If they don't make that.

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, did you guys know they made a beef soda? Yeah, it's just Luke. Luke. Luke gets in the van and you're like, what are you eating? And he's like, lizard combos. And you're like, copy that. That. What happened? Oh, my God.

[Luke Simmons]

If it's artificially flavored lizard. I'm curious.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, this is another ad. Best entertainment in the country. Chappelle's great Kinetoscope of the island of Cuba.

[Dave Anthony]

Whoa.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The most magnificent panorama in the world. This splendid painting, painting, which has attracted so much attention was executed by the great American artist Chappelle, who, with the assistance of two talented artists, devoted more than seven years to this great work. Major Felt, Boston.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, boy. Major Felch. I'm really more of an admiral. I love to get the semen going.

[Luke Simmons]

The rear Admiral.

[Dave Anthony]

Specifically the rear Admiral. How are we going to get all the seamen out of this place in one big move? Admiral Fel, any ideas? Well. Well, it's crazy enough to work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not in the military, but I have a position. Let's just say we've got to suck.

[Dave Anthony]

These boys out of danger.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Admiral Fel, having purchased this wonderful production of art, now fully completed at a net cost of $55,000, respectfully informs the citizens of this place that he will open it at the Tamili. On what? Oh, must be a theater. On Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Saturday evening. Positively the last. On Saturday afternoon at 3:00, the entertainment will be given for ladies and children that. This is a picture.

[Dave Anthony]

Huh?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a. This is a picture.

[Dave Anthony]

Ladies and children. No boys.

[Luke Simmons]

Wow, Mom.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, man. That nothing will be wanting on the part of the management to make this the best entertainment ever offered. And engagement has also been affected at large expense with the celebrated Sig Murillo, who will introduce at each exhibition his renowned Lilliputin family or the Italian Fanta Cosini.

[Luke Simmons]

I feel like the fact that they had a women's and children's exhibition means some dudes were jack into the painting.

[Dave Anthony]

Just the guy Sig just had his penis out and he's like, there's no men here, so we can all be ourselves.

[Luke Simmons]

Look at the tiny guy.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, let me walk you through this. Look at that. Look, he's got a little admiral's hat on him. Oh, boy.

[Luke Simmons]

Oh, here comes Major Felch, huh?

[Dave Anthony]

He's at Half Mast. There's been a tragedy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Squish, Squish, squish, squish. Tickets only, 15 cents. Doors open at 7.

[Luke Simmons]

7.

[Dave Anthony]

Overpriced, even for now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Felt in Bartlett Proprietors.

[Dave Anthony]

Felt.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, Felch.

[Dave Anthony]

People, people, he's just drinking a milkshake. Fel. Stop. How'd the show go?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Sudden death. Michael Gallagher, an Irishman about 30 years of age, was found dead in his bed at the residence of his brother in Market Street, Newburyport, on Sunday morning.

[Luke Simmons]

Morning.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The day and evening previous, the deceased had been about the city as usual, but had been a hard drinker for some time past and probably drank to excess before retiring on Saturday night. Sure, he must have died without a struggle, as his wife, a worthy sober woman by his side, had no intimation of it until she found him dead and cold in the morning.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, it's sort of strange to think he's gonna scream in his sleep and die.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you die. He died. You just die. Sometimes you die in your sleep.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. And that's. That's just the way to go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Lucas is the way to go. Yeah.

[Luke Simmons]

If. No. Well, I don't know.

[Dave Anthony]

What's the conflict as far as eating? This is. Again, this is one of the great things about conversation. Now there's a weird principle. Can't wait.

[Luke Simmons]

If it was in his will. Hey, I'd like to be eaten. Okay. But I think if it's just like, okay, let's eat them. That very quickly, they're going to, you know, Amazon's going to sell people jerky. They're gonna be like, it died. What do you want? He or she died. They died.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, he's. I get the distinction, but it's still just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's.

[Dave Anthony]

It's strange.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's. It's a fabricated.

[Dave Anthony]

It is. It is strange. Luke. We're having a conversation with Luke there and then Luke's behind us. Like, I agree.

[Luke Simmons]

What the hell, dude?

[Dave Anthony]

There's another Luke.

[Luke Simmons]

I moved two minds on it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A jury of inquest was called, who after a session of an hour and a half, rendered a verdict that, quote, he came to his death by habitual intoxication.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, well, well.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But. So an hour and a half they looked at him and then they were.

[Dave Anthony]

Like, yeah, he's pickled.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They said Irish.

[Dave Anthony]

They. Honestly, that is exactly what happened. Like, the coroner was like, I gotta go. What do you think? What was he, Irish? Say whiskey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, look at the.

[Luke Simmons]

I'm noticing on the body, a lot of freckles.

[Dave Anthony]

So feed him to the cows.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, this one's a ginger. This is from the drink.

[Dave Anthony]

This man died from potatoes and beer drunkenness and death.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Michael O'Connor boarding with a family on Washington Street, Portland, while in a state of intoxication on Saturday evening, fell down a flight of stairs and received injuries which caused his death in a few hours.

[Dave Anthony]

It's funny if he doesn't die, but okay, whatever with a few hours.

[Luke Simmons]

A few hours is hours.

[Dave Anthony]

Long time, by the way. That's 12 steps.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Luke Simmons]

Stop drinking.

[Dave Anthony]

He's just there. Yeah, yeah, he did stop drinking. It's called 12 step.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Last one.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh. Oh. I mean, it is funny to imagine a drunk Irish guy dying, falling down the stairs. Let's remind everyone this is almost 200 years ago. We're allowed to have a giggle.

[Luke Simmons]

I'm taking a fearless inventory. Half my bones are broken. Here we go.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, Luke's just eating his back.

[Luke Simmons]

It was his last request.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Last story. Horse thief. A man calling himself Oren Hutchinson. That's never a good sign when they say it's a man calling himself instead of just saying that's orange. The so called Oren Hutchinson went to Hill and Cheney's stable in this city last week on Friday and hired a horse and sleigh to go to Candia.

[Dave Anthony]

This is. Is this a board game?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Candia. This on the Simpsons episode is what it sounds like.

[Dave Anthony]

Candia.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He represented that he was employed in the sawmill north of the Stark mills, not returning as he agreed. Inquiries were made and evidence obtained that he crossed over to Bedford and afterwards was seen on the road to Nia.

[Luke Simmons]

It must have been so fun renting stuff back then. Yeah, like, hey, I'll take it for a day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you know, I'll be back.

[Luke Simmons]

I don't need it long.

[Dave Anthony]

Your rental store is like, well, we're out of business. Everyone took it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We had eight horses yesterday.

[Dave Anthony]

Literally nothing. Those guys aren't coming back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He was traced to Haverhill, Massachusetts, where he engaged the sleigh and received $20.

[Dave Anthony]

So he just sold it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He. Yeah, why wouldn't you?

[Dave Anthony]

It's great here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He called his name John A. Smith. Well, I mean, pretty good. Thence he went to Newmarket and disposed of the team sleigh, harness and Robes and receded.

[Luke Simmons]

Oh, he didn't. He didn't sell it. He used it like an Uber for a day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, He. He went in with a horse and he goes, I need a sleigh.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Took his clothes off and he was like, I'm starting a new life. While that rental place was like, hopefully that horse comes back pretty soon because we really have a lot invested in the people returning that stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Meanwhile, that guy's turned it into a boat and a ship and he's sailing across the sea.

[Dave Anthony]

Hopefully, pretty soon he's on his way back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So he disposed of the team sleigh, harnesses and robes and receded. Therefore, in the name of John Robertson. It was ascertained that he had gone to Maine, but he was pursued no further. So they just gave up. They're like, wow, this is.

[Dave Anthony]

What are you good at doing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. Yeah, you can't do anything.

[Dave Anthony]

This again. It's the era where you're like, boy, some people are real dicks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you can.

[Luke Simmons]

Recently, his twin brother came in to apologize and rent a horse.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some guy comes in, he's like, I'll get him for you.

[Luke Simmons]

You look like him. Takes one of us who looks like him to catch one of us.

[Dave Anthony]

Give me a horse and I'll bring back the guy who you over. Well, here you go now. Remember it? Come back now. Yeah, of course.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, I'll be back.

[Luke Simmons]

Guy looked so similar, but he had a mustache.

[Dave Anthony]

So let me get this straight. Someone came in, took a horse, you hired a bounty hunter to get him, and then that guy never came back either. Well, give me a horse and I'll get good. Both those guys or not, I mean, we have, like two horses left, so please, please, cut. Yeah, of course I'll come back with three horses.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. We don't know each other. We're not the Harmonians.

[Dave Anthony]

So let me get this straight. You've had three horses gone missing. One by a thief and two by fake bounty hunters. I'll bring them back for you. We want to go with you this time. That won't work. Okay?

[Luke Simmons]

I don't want you, but get me a boy.

[Dave Anthony]

So let me get this straight. Eight horses have gone missing, and seven of those people have been bounty hunters, promising that they'll find the previous people. You give me a horse, I'll bring them back for you. Just take the goddamn thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just kill me, please.

[Dave Anthony]

Take it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Somebody take me and eat me. Well, that's.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, there you go. Well, Luke. What? What do you want to promote Luke? Because we didn't have you on at the very beginning. You were. You've rushed in with 10 minutes to go. What can we promote for you?

[Luke Simmons]

I'm gonna be doing some stand up comedy on the road with opening for this. This guy. Gross. He's very funny, the guy. His name's Gareth.

[Dave Anthony]

What's the website?

[Luke Simmons]

The website is garethreynolds.com tour.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Luke Simmons]

And the tour.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did you ever get the increase in pay that your manager negotiated over time?

[Luke Simmons]

That's funny. I did not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we negotiated.

[Luke Simmons]

It's promised as much leg taco as I could eat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep, yep.

[Luke Simmons]

I've yet to have a 1.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There are openers out there who the.

[Dave Anthony]

Funny bun actually serves leg, by the way, that's the next leg of the tour. We got nothing. But come to the shows, they're worse than this. All right, well, thanks, Luke. We learned a lot and thanks for joining us.

[Luke Simmons]

Lovely to see you outside of the van.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it is weird. Nobody likes it. Nobody enjoys it.

[Dave Anthony]

By the way, that Burns, when he was on tour with us for whatever he. I. I went out to the van and there were ants. And I was like, oh, my. And I just saw the ants ravaging Cheetos. So on the group text, I go, someone left cheetos in my head. I'm like, time for Luke to fess up. And Luke was like, it was burns, but it's okay.

[Luke Simmons]

Like, I did not. No, that's not how it went. I go, yeah, interesting. That sounds terrible.

[Dave Anthony]

But in his head, he's going, it should have been me. That's why Luke eats snacks that are so crazy. Because he's like, not even the ants will feast upon this chip.

[Luke Simmons]

Remember you got so angry at me because I tried to share my Andy Caps hot fries with that crow.

[Dave Anthony]

You know what's crazy? I don't even really remember this. I remember it a little bit, but. But first of all, so angry is very funny. Second of all, the setup, I mean. Dave, go ahead.

[Luke Simmons]

You were. You were offended on behalf of this.

[Dave Anthony]

I think I was saying, don't feed that to the crows.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

In Luke's. In Luke's head, someone's like, how dare you? I was just like, don't give the crows that.

[Luke Simmons]

You said, don't give them. You said, probably don't kill the crows with cheat with hot fries. Maybe not so angry. Agree. But we looked it up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can't understand spicy.

[Luke Simmons]

Turns out they like it. I looked it up. Google says they're okay with it.

[Dave Anthony]

Let's remember where this started. Let's remember where this started. Luke painting a picture of himself as Superman and then looks like I asked.

[Gareth Reynolds]

AI and it said it was fine.

[Dave Anthony]

I asked chat GBT said that crows like to eat spicy potatoes, potato fries.

[Luke Simmons]

One to two spicy foods a day.

[Dave Anthony]

You know, Gareth yelled at me one time because I tried to kill crows. But then I googled it and I was a hero. The Luke Simmons tale. All right, Luke, thanks for joining us, you lunatic.

[Luke Simmons]

Hey, happy holidays.

[Dave Anthony]

Happy holidays. You'll miss me, honey. Some of these days.

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Hey, comedy fans. The funniest comedians in the world are on tour and you can get tickets to see them live near you. Laugh at the biggest names in comedy like Atsuka Okatsuka, Chelsea Handler, Jimmy Carr, Kathy Griffin, Matt Matthews, Matt Rife, Sarah Silverman, Sebastian Maniscalco, Stavros Helkia, Wanda Sykes, and so many more. All kinds of shows, all kinds of venues, all kinds of funny. Head to livenation.comdy to get your tickets today. That's livenation.com comedy.