109 - The Past Times with Steve Furey

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds
Episode 109 – "The Past Times with Steve Furey"
Release Date: January 31, 2025
Host/Authors: Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds
Guest: Steve Furey

---

Introduction and Tour Announcements [00:00 – 01:11]

The episode begins with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds excitedly announcing their upcoming comedy tour scheduled for March 2025. They highlight their favorite cities, including Tempe, Arizona, Albuquerque, New Mexico, Oklahoma City, Tulsa, Dallas, Houston, and Austin, Texas. Their playful banter sets a light-hearted tone for the episode.

Notable Quotes:

• Dave Anthony [00:00]: "We're going on tour."
• Gareth Reynolds [00:09]: "It's the best."

---

Meet the Guest: Steve Furey [01:11 – 03:09]

Gareth introduces Steve Furey, noting his Sacramento Kings fandom and playful interactions about Steve's online persona, "Scuba Steve Fury." The hosts share humorous anecdotes about confusing Steve with a guitar teacher named Steve Fury, illustrating their comedic chemistry.

Notable Quotes:

• Gareth Reynolds [01:11]: "Hi, Steve."
• Steve Furey [01:28]: "What's up? Super excited to be here, dude."
• Dave Anthony [03:09]: "Steve Fury will come up, Right. That many of them."

---

Diving into the Past Times: 1912 Newspaper Stories [05:00 – 17:56]

The trio delves into historical newspaper clippings from 1912, examining peculiar and intriguing stories. They discuss the case of George Ari from Fairbanks, Alaska, who returns home to find his wife married to another man, leading to a bizarre divorce trial. Their analysis is filled with humor as they speculate on the cultural and legal nuances of the time.

Notable Quotes:

• Steve Furey [05:22]: "I want to get, like, you know, like 24 A.D. it's just on papyrus."
• Gareth Reynolds [09:58]: "I can't believe that."
• Dave Anthony [10:52]: "She got his name."

The discussion shifts to Dr. Julius von Berdauer, a phrenologist attempting to match couples based on head bumps, highlighting the pseudo-scientific practices of the era.

Notable Quotes:

• Dave Anthony [60:00]: "He will be tried out first in vaudeville."
• Gareth Reynolds [62:35]: "That's a quotient, dude. Pythagoras."

---

Absurd and Dark Humor: Human Jars and Bizarre Cases [21:00 – 32:30]

The hosts explore more outlandish stories, including a Chinese woman accused of cannibalizing an Alaskan canary cannery boss by shipping his remains in a human jar. They joke about the impracticality and horror of such actions, intertwining dark humor with historical facts.

Notable Quotes:

• Gareth Reynolds [22:03]: "Whoa."
• Dave Anthony [22:36]: "You can do it."

Steve shares a personal anecdote about a family member who accidentally swallowed a battery, leading to severe health consequences, adding a layer of real-world absurdity to the historical tales.

Notable Quotes:

• Steve Furey [33:24]: "He put a battery. He was too embarrassed to tell his mom."
• Gareth Reynolds [34:14]: "Can we get him on the show?"

---

Comedic Interludes and Personal Stories [32:30 – 50:55]

The conversation intertwines historical stories with personal anecdotes and spontaneous humor. Topics range from bizarre medical cases, such as a man losing teeth after fitting a pool ball in his mouth for a bet, to fictionalized accounts of entertainers and their eccentric behaviors.

Notable Quotes:

• Dave Anthony [28:21]: "Wasn't the first time you've gotten final?"
• Gareth Reynolds [37:04]: "Rivals, not rivals."
• Steve Furey [39:37]: "I love the mom, too. You're not doing that to my son."

They humorously critique the plausibility and absurdity of the newspaper stories, blending historical analysis with their signature comedic style.

---

Phrenology and Matchmaking [50:30 – 61:14]

The discussion returns to the topic of phrenology, where Dr. Julius von Berdauer attempts to match couples based on cranial bumps. Gareth and Steve mock the pseudoscience, envisioning exaggerated match-making scenarios and poking fun at the outdated beliefs.

Notable Quotes:

• Gareth Reynolds [60:59]: "You'll be Kathy, just the guy."
• Steve Furey [61:08]: "I love a sense of humor and I love a head with a bunch of bumps."

---

Finale and Reflections [63:07 – 67:16]

As the episode nears its end, the hosts reflect humorously on the absurdity of past newspaper stories and their own comedic interpretations. They wrap up with playful remarks about their ongoing discussions and the dynamic with Steve Furey, thanking him for his participation.

Notable Quotes:

• Gareth Reynolds [66:57]: "She's lumpy as hell. I've been trying to shave them off."
• Dave Anthony [67:09]: "That was so fun."

Steve expresses gratitude, and the hosts conclude the episode with their signature humor, encouraging listeners to follow their upcoming tour dates and maintain engagement.

Notable Quotes:

• Steve Furey [67:12]: "I really, really, really appreciate it."
• Gareth Reynolds [67:15]: "Go to GarethReynolds.com if you are in Richmond Heights, Missouri..."

---

Conclusion

In this episode of The Dollop, Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds, joined by guest Steve Furey, navigate through a series of bizarre and humorous historical newspaper stories from 1912. Their blend of comedic banter, insightful (and satirical) commentary on past events, and personal anecdotes create an engaging and entertaining exploration of history's oddities. Notable for its rich humor and engaging delivery, this episode offers both laughs and a unique lens through which to view historical narratives.

---

Recommendation:
For listeners who enjoy a mix of history and humor, The Dollop continues to deliver with its engaging storytelling and sharp wit. Don't miss out on future episodes and the hosts' upcoming tour performances for more insightful comedy.

Transcript

[Dave Anthony]

We're going on tour. And this is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's been a while.

[Dave Anthony]

March 2025 is when our tour is happening. First of all, we're going to Tempe, Arizona, maybe our favorite city of all time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's the best.

[Dave Anthony]

That is on March 16th. And then we go to Albuquerque, New Mexico, maybe our favorite city ever, we've ever gone to. That's on March 17th. And then we go to Oklahoma City.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Which is our fav. We often say that it's our number one.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's our number one. The best city I've ever been to. That's on March 18th. On March 19th, we're going to be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

In Tulsa, Oklahoma, our favorite city, without question.

[Dave Anthony]

And then we head to Dallas, Texas, on March 20th.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Our favorite city.

[Dave Anthony]

There's never been a better city.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you don't like it, you're a Dallas hole.

[Dave Anthony]

Thank you. And then we go to Houston, Texas, on March 21. City, which is by far the best city. And then we end our tour in Austin, Texas, on March 22 at the Cap City Comedy Club.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's the best city in the entire world. Number one city in the world.

[Dave Anthony]

You can get tickets@dollar podcast.com tour.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, everybody. Welcome to the Past Times podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds, and. And I've never seen it before. And neither is our guest this week, the great Steve Fury. Hi, Steve.

[Steve Fury]

What's up? Super excited to be here, dude.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you for being here.

[Dave Anthony]

Steve is wearing a Sacramento Kings hat. Are you from Sacramento?

[Steve Fury]

Yes.

[Dave Anthony]

All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's a homer.

[Steve Fury]

Yeah. That's good.

[Dave Anthony]

When I was in, like, the year 2000 or something, when I was working at Stable center, and I learned through the back. The back side of things that the NBA was totally fixed. I was working at the Sacramento Punchline, and it was the week. At the end of the month, it's the. It was the week.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're not promoting stuff on this. Sorry, go ahead.

[Dave Anthony]

The Kings were, like, kicking ass in the playoffs, and they were supposed to win. They were up, like, 3 to 1 or something in the playoff series. And then it. And then it came down to Steve's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, I. I remember.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it came down to the last game. And since I knew. Since I was, like, 100% convinced it was fixed, I went to a big sports bar just because I knew the Kings were going to lose. And I just sat there and ate and watched it transpire. And it was like. It was like Watching, like a Greek tragedy. Like, it was the most fascinating experience to watch all those people knowing. And I was just knowing. I was like, the game's just completely fixed.

[Steve Fury]

Like, it seemed like. Like, you know, the Highlander, when he cuts people's heads off and he sucks all their soul. You did that like a Buffalo Wild Wings. All these people. Yeah, they just put your head back. As spirits got sucked into.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, that's a great Buffalo Wild Wings commercial. They should use that. Really good. Well, so, Steve, you are truly hysterical.

[Steve Fury]

Thank you. Likewise.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We've done a number of shows together. You are truly one of the best. So we were saying, we don't know you're. You're. I mean, people can see you in a number of places, but the best thing to do is follow you on Instagram. Aren't you Scuba Steve Fury?

[Steve Fury]

Scuba. Like, you're Diving Steve? F U R U Y. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Do you. Do you scoop.

[Steve Fury]

Do you know it's. Scuba is. It's a really niche reference from the movie Big Daddy. His son was obsessed with this thing called Scuba Steve.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I remember Scuba Steve.

[Steve Fury]

Yes, it was Scuba Steve. So then that was kind of a nickname of mine with some people I was hanging out with. And then it just kind of. I thought it was funny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Okay. There you go. Don't dance look off your face, Dave. No, but leave him alone, Dave. Beck off.

[Dave Anthony]

No, you have a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop it. Your mother's a big fan of our show. So you watch your.

[Dave Anthony]

You have an online name that's hard for people to find.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so Steve.

[Steve Fury]

Steve Fury will come up, Right. That many of them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, by the way, you're talking to Dave Underscore. Anthony and Reynolds. Gareth. So let's all calm down.

[Dave Anthony]

No, I'm Dave Anthony on the Twitter and the blue. I couldn't get my Real on Instagram. I couldn't get my actual name.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's why I said Instagram, but I.

[Dave Anthony]

Jumped in late to the game.

[Steve Fury]

There's a Steve Fury who's incredibly successful guitar teacher. He has, like, YouTube videos.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's who I thought we booked.

[Steve Fury]

No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm the yodel. I brought my accordion. I'm a yodel for you guys.

[Dave Anthony]

Can you book a let. Can you. Can you do lessons on YouTube with him?

[Steve Fury]

Yeah. I mean, this was like, when I first started, he had tens of thousands of followers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can you reach out to him and see if he wants to do the show? I mean, yeah, we just real. Yeah. Really want to get him.

[Dave Anthony]

We thought this is why. Yeah, I Was like, don't. That can't be the scuba guy. Can't be the guy we're looking for. And it turns out it's not.

[Steve Fury]

You can't have more than one passion. You can't scuba and teach guitar fan to a podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just ask Dave.

[Dave Anthony]

What the just happened?

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, Steve, we're going through a newspaper. We like to guess what year it is. You get to go first. The reasons why you go first. I'm not even going to get into it. But it's problems with Dave. So we've done 2000. That's our latest. We've done 1600. Ish. That's our earliest. You're definitely not going to be going in the 1600s. It'd be my guess, but it's up to you.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And there's no prize.

[Steve Fury]

I want to get, like, you know, like 24 A.D. it's just on papyrus.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Steve Fury]

They've asked to read, like.

[Dave Anthony]

Raw.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Realizing sand. Sand, not water. Oh, me.

[Steve Fury]

I'm gonna guess 1975.

[Dave Anthony]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

Check you out. Check you out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm pushing back. I'm going 1866.

[Dave Anthony]

What a dumb guess. Steve is correct. It's 1912, which is, I believe, what Steve guessed. It's not February 6, 1912.

[Steve Fury]

I think I fail on Jeopardy. Isn't Jeopardy. Or whatever, though. Whatever. Yeah, I won.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. It's Jeopardy. Rules. That's right. He's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, I got Final Jeopardy. Last night, and my mother barely gave me any credit. Did you?

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, buddy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was Marie Curie. Mom. I got Final Jeopardy last night. Correct. She's talking.

[Dave Anthony]

What's going on right now?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was hard. I got final jeopardies. Marie Curie. Go ahead.

[Dave Anthony]

People get Final Jeopardy. All the time. Is that the first time you've gotten final?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not in this house.

[Steve Fury]

Brings up a little plaque. His mom gives it to him that they trade it off like a championship belt.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So congratulations. Spelled with a K.

[Dave Anthony]

So we're doing Steve's hometown, Fairbanks, Alaska. The weekly Alaska Citizen, which is nice. It'll make you feel at home. Yeah. First page here returns in three days to find wife, bride of another.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, that's very Alaska. Goes out fishing.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Comes back, wife with a new.

[Dave Anthony]

You can't leave your lady alone for a second up there because she'll get snatched up by another Alaskan.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And by the way, we're a progressive show.

[Steve Fury]

I would say it's not news is my thing.

[Dave Anthony]

It's news.

[Steve Fury]

I think that's like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you're gonna start flagging that stuff. This show is gonna get real complicated most of this. But what happens a lot of times it's. It's like this and then you go through six stories and then it's like 15 killed and you're like, yeah, why?

[Steve Fury]

Yeah, well, like, how did the writer find this? I bet the writer wrote that story about himself.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes, well, it's from another paper. It's from Savannah, Georgia. So he got it off the wire.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This even makes it weirder. Yeah, it makes it weird to be like, oh, huge. Can't pass this up.

[Dave Anthony]

After an absence of three days, George Ari, a prosperous Greek, returned last night to find his wife the bride of another man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now that's not legal then. Correct.

[Dave Anthony]

Why not?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think.

[Dave Anthony]

You don't know how Greek law works.

[Steve Fury]

Yeah. Do you think they put Greek in there so you'd feel worse for him or not his worst form.

[Dave Anthony]

I think that back then they needed to assigned the country or the ethnicity of every person in the paper so people would know how to feel.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, it's still happening.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't know. I don't know where the Greeks landed on that spectrum in 1912.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Probably not considered white, I would imagine.

[Steve Fury]

I'm gonna guess it. Or you wouldn't have put Greek. You would have just said, why?

[Dave Anthony]

Because Italians weren't at that point, so Greeks. Yeah. And Irish, like, they weren't. Okay. So Ari received word through a half opened door to go away. Which he did.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's the crazy part.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. All right, honey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was like a guy, get out of here.

[Dave Anthony]

You don't live here anymore.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Leave. I'm insider. Go.

[Steve Fury]

Take your tzatziki and get the fuck out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, my toga's caught in the sliding door.

[Dave Anthony]

It's so hard to keep fucking. Anne, answer the door and talk to someone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Very unrelatable comment.

[Steve Fury]

Yeah, I don't know if I've heard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've been able to do both, which he did.

[Dave Anthony]

But he only went as far as the police station where he asked aid in regaining his property.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I'm fully on the bright side now. That was so easy to swing me in the direction of her to say yes and then go to the police station and report a property missing. That's. Well, it. Is it?

[Dave Anthony]

No, he. He just wants to get back into his property.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My chatty hole. Oh, sorry.

[Dave Anthony]

He wants to get. Not his wife.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sorry, I misunderstood. Oh my God, it's 1912. That's not crazy.

[Steve Fury]

Is he complaining that his wife was cheating on him or that he can't get his stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's complaining into his house.

[Dave Anthony]

He can't get into his house because his wife is cheating on him.

[Steve Fury]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't get into my wife. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

The other man was a partner in one of Aries stores. Ms. Arie wishing a half interest in the other of her own. Right. Both places have now been closed by the police pending settlement. Patrice and Ms. Ari were married according to the Greek Orthodox church laws. So what? She got his name.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

So the other guy. So she did marry the other guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think she's got a Greek husband and an Alaska husband.

[Dave Anthony]

I think you're right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Which I've. Can.

[Dave Anthony]

You do. I think you can do that.

[Steve Fury]

Yeah. I think that's different. Yeah, you can.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's legal. You could do that.

[Steve Fury]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, I've. I've. I've got a Greek wife.

[Steve Fury]

I was an Alaska kid.

[Dave Anthony]

You should be able to marry people in every church, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Every culture.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Steve Fury]

Every race.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Every race. Yeah.

[Steve Fury]

Wait, wait, wait a second.

[Dave Anthony]

Hold on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Getting note here. Squarespace dropped from the atlas. Dave, they're out. Thanks, Steve.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Well, that was expected. We knew this was gonna happen with this guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Boston professor draws a picture of ideal woman. This isn't gonna go well because it's 1912, so this is gonna be really bad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I can't wait to. Steve, just sips. I can't wait. I'm gonna let you cook to find out what it is. Boston. I'm thinking big.

[Dave Anthony]

How far off do you think this guy's description will be from Ben Shapiro's today?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think off, because I think. I feel like Boston is more like, doge gotta have a big ass, big tits. Whereas Ben Shapiro is just like, she needs to have a skill, but not, like, a skill that directly impacts, like, the way that I am doing business right now. The whole thing is that she needs to be able to demure at the drop of a hat.

[Dave Anthony]

Ben Shapiro's wife is totally banging other dudes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Have you seen.

[Dave Anthony]

No way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Have you seen. Well, she's got Greeks. She's got. Have you seen the. Have you seen Ben Shapiro take his bicep seriously? I feel like I've talked about this. Oh, no.

[Dave Anthony]

What are you talking about?

[Gareth Reynolds]

But Ben Shapiro's got pictures where he's like, look at the guns.

[Steve Fury]

Is he kind of jacked? It's not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not jacked. It's not like Crowder like, had, like. Like, a chest plate put under his skin.

[Steve Fury]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So it's not like that. But, like, Ben Shapiro is clearly, like, I've been curling 13s 45 times a day for five years.

[Steve Fury]

I also want to. Yeah. Like, I feel like the way he describes or drew a woman back then would not be offensive now. Like, there's like, skateboarding T shirts that are probably more.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mud flaps.

[Steve Fury]

Yeah. Like, the old hookups. Ones would blow people's minds way more.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Mud. Mud flaps. And, like, mud flaps now are just like, hit her doggy. You're like, should he be working with FedEx mud flaps?

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, he works out. Yeah. There's all these bicep pictures of him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. He's like. Yeah, he posts a lot of bicep pictures. Gotta deal with the liberals.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God. Okay.

[Steve Fury]

What if I ruined someone's day?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

It's just so dumb.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The resistance is real. If I was there on January 6th, he's like Mark Wahlberg of January 6th. If I was there on January 6th, we wouldn't. We would not even have that form of government any longer.

[Dave Anthony]

President Lemuel Merlin of the Boston University described his ideal of beautiful woman. Quote, there are plenty. What?

[Steve Fury]

This is a professor. He did this academy.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. No, this is. This is like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's even more. Not. Okay.

[Steve Fury]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

This is how. This is how you know it's true.

[Steve Fury]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Because he's a professor. There are plenty of young women in Boston University who come up to my ideal of what constitutes the real type of beauty in womanhood.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So fucking crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. But there's a lot of hot young ones here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm looking to pork a lot of the women walking the campus. Now, here's the drawing.

[Steve Fury]

Instead of rate my professor, he's rate my students, who's like, Becky and sixth period great tits.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. You're just in his class. Like, this is not philosophy. He's like. And also, some of the girls have butts where you could eat a meal of it. And I like that. Now, here's a list of their names.

[Dave Anthony]

Also on your report cards will be a grade of your body, face, and then broken down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got a eight. Yeah. I'd bang you. You understand? Yeah.

[Steve Fury]

He gets one to ten. Is so funny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

I cannot conceive of any woman being considered beautiful who does not possess, first of all, beauty of character. Or in a word, womanliness.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Saves himself a little. It's not good. It's not good.

[Steve Fury]

You can tell the room was turning on him. People like character. I meant a beautif. Beautiful character.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like her to be dependent on me. I want to break her soul. Do you understand?

[Dave Anthony]

Higher education is conducive to beauty? With higher education goes physical culture along scientific lines, all contributing to beauty. Scientific lines is a little disturbing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a Robin Thicke song, isn't it?

[Dave Anthony]

It's eugenics. Yes, yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's very. It's all weird. I'm trying to think if I would just rather him go physical. And I guess that's probably worse, but still, it's not.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, this, right. This right now is the guy who is like, no, I'm a feminist. Women just to get laid. That's what this guy is right now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, right.

[Steve Fury]

Look, I've never seen someone put the correlation between the more education and more attractive you are before.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This might be a first. Yeah. I mean, yes, he's a sapiosexual. I think that's what they're called.

[Steve Fury]

The first sapiosexual.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. He's the first SAP. Yet people are like, dude. And in Boston, he was like, the. Are you talking about dude? That's crazy. That's disgusting.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Quite frankly, I'm disgusted.

[Dave Anthony]

A student of character soon learns to find beauty and refinement behind what might be regarded at first by other people as an attractive face.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There we go.

[Dave Anthony]

So he's. He's saying that there's some. There's something also beautiful behind the face that. That's the crazy thing that he's saying here, Right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

So he wants a hot head and something in it.

[Dave Anthony]

There's also the look. They also have a personality and brains and all that. So behind the. The thing you want to really grab a hold of and just bang. There's also, like, a part of them that you can, like, talk to and stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's got to have one of those faces you want to cream on and then also can read. Those are must, dude. He's like 68 with, like, elbow patches. That's a must. That's a must, dude. You gotta have that.

[Steve Fury]

He's got a pipe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. He's lost everyone in the room. You gotta be able to do that. That's gotta be big. That's big for me.

[Steve Fury]

Behind the face.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah.

[Steve Fury]

Behind the face. It's wonderful.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Behind the face. You can have a conversation with your mother. Not embarrass herself, but also, come on, she's got a big eyes, ears. Can't be too big.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Let's talk wrecks with the rack. You got to be able to take a big load on the tits and then start talking about play. D'oh.

[Steve Fury]

And then he hits the pipe. So dignified.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He flips the board over, and it's just pictures of boobs. Whoa. Never mind.

[Dave Anthony]

Let's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'll go on this side. We'll stick to this side. Joe, everybody. Hey, let's be honest. If you saw that chill.

[Steve Fury]

He has a. He has a. He has a. A mathematical equation to get someone's attractiveness. You know, tits over ass, plus not speaking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a quotient. That's a quotient, dude. Pythagoras.

[Steve Fury]

P. Never talks about tits.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you. Dude, what are you doing? Dude, get your head together. He's had a wet lunch.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, wet lunch. I miss my dad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we all do.

[Dave Anthony]

Stole socks from preacher who was baptizing convert.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. Pro.

[Dave Anthony]

I don't know. This is out of Youngstown, Ohio. I think you can. Why not? You can do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like the guy getting baptized. He's like, I'm gonna get soaking. No, it's just a little bucket.

[Dave Anthony]

When the divorce case of Alorna Williams against David Williams came up for trial, she convulsed the court when she testified that her husband, who was a janitor at the First Baptist Church, returned home one night excited. Look here. She testified, he said as he raised his trouser leg, this is one of the Reverend C.H. pendleton silk stocks, which I stole while he was baptizing a convert. Yeah, I got holy socks, baby.

[Steve Fury]

We all think our lives are going pretty bad, but the guy who stoked off of stealing reverend socks and even.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, doesn't go, like, here they are. He's like, let me shake it out. Like an accidental turd. Check that out.

[Steve Fury]

He wore him out of the store.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Like, it's really not that big of a caper.

[Steve Fury]

Take him home, wash him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He was like, yeah, don't worry.

[Steve Fury]

Put his socks there.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, he must have. He must have left his socks at the scene.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, he. Temple of Doomed him or Raiders of the Lost Arctic. He was like.

[Dave Anthony]

Temple of Doomed him. Come on, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, don't even.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, let's get it right. The charge she made against her husband is failure to provide, not socks, baby. Holy sucks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He is providing.

[Steve Fury]

Dude, she wrote. She ratted on him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's not.

[Steve Fury]

Yo.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, well, she's getting divorced, so it's rat, rat, rat time. Oh, let it go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Strange. So far, not. No, there's not been a story.

[Steve Fury]

This is just the Citizen app on your phone that people think is the Associated Press or whatever. The thing is, it really.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And even on Citizen app, I'd be like, there's not much happening today.

[Steve Fury]

If he doesn't have a machete. Is it really a story on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, if it's not like bears eating garbage.

[Steve Fury]

That'S the next story for sure. In Alaska.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Right. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, there's two. Okay there. This is two separate stories. So the first one. So this woman's name. Her first name is Oi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oi.

[Dave Anthony]

Oi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

OI.

[Dave Anthony]

Oi. Said under arrest. This is from Billings, Montana, on January 31st. Oi said the Chinese woman is held here on suspicion of being the person who killed Celled Bong, the Alaska canary cannery boss, and afterward shipped his remains to Portland.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whoa.

[Dave Anthony]

So that's how you get rid of it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think maybe scan him up.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, he, he. How else would you ship the bot body, man?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm hoping she's canning him or just.

[Dave Anthony]

Or just put it in a box.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I would think it's more that. Yeah, I mean, it's a lot of hands.

[Dave Anthony]

But canning. Canning him would be amazing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you'd just be like, Jesus Christ.

[Dave Anthony]

You could. You could. You could get someone into like 800 cans. No, you're talking little cans. But you get a gallon can. You could. You could put a lot of guy in there.

[Steve Fury]

I love that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Tuna's garbage.

[Steve Fury]

She's like, searching for Kerr jars. She's like, do you have one that's like, I don't know, 400 gallons maybe? Yeah, jar. Like a human jar.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you have a big. What do you guys have for like something you think is just not cool? Like, what is. You have a.

[Dave Anthony]

Do you wanna. You wanna.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not cool jars.

[Dave Anthony]

We got a. We got a dry. You can put a whole. Yeah, I was gonna say. I mean, it's a man size charge. You know, we have them for like bachelor parties and stuff. When you pop out of the can or jar or whatever.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Happy birthday, Doug. Oh my God. You're gon a jar.

[Steve Fury]

She's like, I want to. I want to, you know, jar some carrots. Like, how much? She's like 61. About 210.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Trying to think how many carrots is in like a 61, man, you know what I mean? Do you guys. Are you guys doing man measurements? Are you metric? What are you.

[Dave Anthony]

It's like a blended fella or like a man, but you blend them or. What are you doing with. Is he. Is it a soupy gentleman sort of situation? Boned. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, imagine if carrots had bones.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, that's gonna be a little more. I mean, if you can blend up whatever we're shipping, that might. We might save you some Money there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm. Oy.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's several times. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we got that. Okay. And then next to it, like, a little ways over on the front page, Oisen confesses.

[Steve Fury]

Oh, and.

[Dave Anthony]

And this is from Portland. Three days later or two days later.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So Portland was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. You guys got a man jar?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's not okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Oi said the Chinese girl arrested in connection with the Seattle trunk mystery confessed to the murder of Bong and pleaded that her jewels be returned to her. She begged that the lawyers be not allowed to hold them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is absolutely. There's a lot of crazy. What's crazy also, is for them to be like, set up. Punch next to each other.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah. Like, it's not even right next to each other. A little ways away from each other. Maybe they do it. Maybe they did these comms by date because the stuff. The news has to get to Alaska, so it's probably taking a little while.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right. But still, you think someone would be like, we don't need that. Either way, crazy. Ask to be like, just get the jewels back. It's like, oi, you are not in a position of power right now. Get the goddamn jewels.

[Dave Anthony]

I need. I need the jewels. I gotta get the jewels.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You jarred a guy.

[Steve Fury]

You know how, like, we have older names like Gerald and Elda. And you know how when people, like, want it, like, if they say it race the name about Chinese person, they would say Bong and Ping. But I've never met a guy like that. Do you think that's what their names were? Maybe they had. That's their version of, like, Elmer back then. Like, around.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Could be. And then there was one guy. One guy just smoked so much weed. They're like, buddy, we're naming this thing after. It's crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

Like, I'm just. No, no. I wanted the human sized J named after me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you. We. I smoked him. From what?

[Dave Anthony]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She got caught.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And confessed.

[Dave Anthony]

She did.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I guess it wasn't a great plan.

[Dave Anthony]

No. It doesn't seem like it's. It's. You know, why. Why ship a guy just. You know, there's other ways to do it. Especially if you're killing him in Montana. Just drag him out for the bears.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Steve Fury]

Yeah. It's definitely a move you do after you smoke a lot of bong.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Steve Fury]

You hit the ball. Like, I'll mail them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And then the anxiety. Yeah. Paralyzing anxiety. You feel me? Like, probably shouldn't have mailed that guy. That's crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

But then you sleep you sleep good after that?

[Steve Fury]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think I would be like.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, I should take.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I had a dream once that I cut off Christopher Walken's head and threw it in a river.

[Dave Anthony]

And, I mean, that's just called the Highlander dream. That's fine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's a Buffalo Wild Wings commercial now. But the stress I was dealing with in the dream. You know those dreams where you wake up and you're like. Like, about to roll over? Like, yeah, I can't believe I fucking killed Chris Walken. And then you're like, wait. Oh, wait. Oh, thank God. Yeah, thank. I could live my life again. I could live a regular life. Because in the whole dream, I was like. Like, his head washed up on shore. And they were like, who did this?

[Dave Anthony]

I was like, I've had those dreams. When I was in college, Danny Manning was going to be the number one draft pick in the NBA. And I dreamt that the warriors drafted him. And I came out in, like, the next day to my roommates, and I was just like, you guys, it's so fucking amazing. We got Manning. And they're like, what? And I'm like, we got Danny Manning. And I was fully convinced that we had drafted Danny Manning. And it was all a dream.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's fucking great.

[Dave Anthony]

Isn't that amazing? Like, I was just 100% on board that we had. We had drafted. I had. I must have the most detailed dream about. That's so weird, a draft.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're like, dude, what.

[Dave Anthony]

Puts pool ball in his mouth loses five teeth on bet. And now just guess. What? Just guess.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is paper.

[Dave Anthony]

What city this is from?

[Gareth Reynolds]

This.

[Dave Anthony]

This. No, come on, think about it. Where would someone put a pool ball in their mouth for a bet?

[Steve Fury]

I feel like this is just how, like, an old dentist would work. You would, like, put cocaine on your.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gums and say, all right, now think about the cue ball, and then all the bad ones will fall out. You're the best.

[Dave Anthony]

Think about Alex Burns. Philadelphia.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, it's Burns.

[Dave Anthony]

Of course it would be Philadelphia. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Robert Wilson made a bet with several companies today that he had the largest mouth of any person in the crowd. And to prove his assertion, three, thrust a poo ball between his jaws.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's actually funny because Burns, the same guy we're talking about. I remember one time, he's like, I can fit my fist in my mouth. And I was like, what? He was like, I can. I was like, do it. And he was like, oh. He was like, all put out. And I was like. And then he did.

[Dave Anthony]

I was like, maybe it's a Philly thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This might he. Is this one handwritten? He cited Alex Bur or it's.

[Steve Fury]

His whole family has this thing where they think they can fit things in their mouth. There's a lineage of the birds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We have jaw dysmorphia.

[Dave Anthony]

Alexander, I swear to God, I can do a bowling ball.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll put a basketball in my mouth. Jesus Christ. He's dead.

[Dave Anthony]

He won the wager but lost several teeth for the ivory.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. E. Lost the wager?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, no, he won it because they. The ball fit in.

[Steve Fury]

I told you guys I would win this ring easy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where's the after party? Where we going? To the streets right now. I got a little bit money burning all in my pocket. Where we going? Out. Party. Yes, I am Burns. How did you know?

[Steve Fury]

I am. How did you know?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right, ladies. The line has stuck my zig force to the right like blood. Concealed blood all around his mouth.

[Dave Anthony]

He won the wager but lost several teeth for the ivory ball. Fitted the mouth so well that it took two hours work on the part of the physicians at the children's hospital to remove it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

This was accomplished only when the pain from his distended jaws became so great that it was determined to sacrifice five front teeth. Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know.

[Steve Fury]

Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know if details have ever made anything so much more traumatic.

[Dave Anthony]

This is so Philadelphia.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was like, funny. I like figured he, like, it hurt. Go like that. The fact that the jaw was like, I. I'm giving up.

[Steve Fury]

Dude, your jaw hurting so bad you'd rip out your own teeth.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, okay. It's like Rocky. What's he saying?

[Gareth Reynolds]

He wants to try the eight ball. He said, nazi didn't get the eight ball in it. Treat him like one of those billiard tables that has those little pockets.

[Steve Fury]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

There's no way they could understand him, right? I mean, there's no way he could.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, imagine the check in. All right, what. What brings you to the hospital?

[Dave Anthony]

Could you. Sir, could you take the egg out of your mouth? And then we will discuss.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. And what are the side effects? Aha. Aha. Do you have a primary? You know, just fill out this paperwork. It's six pages, double sided. Ah, you have insurance? Oh, is it an arm thing? What's going on? I think he's having a bit of a stroke.

[Dave Anthony]

I love that he went to a children's hospital because he. He probably. It was probably the only place we're like. I mean, that's the only place they've dealt with something like this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Steve Fury]

Before you get. You normally get transferred to, like, a Cedars Cancer Institute. He's at a normal hospital, and he gets transferred like children.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's just, like, sitting next to a kid that has a fire engine in his mouth. Another kid that just.

[Steve Fury]

So how did you guys live here?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just tried to put a bunch of Legos up my ass.

[Dave Anthony]

I did have to go to the hospital, the children's hospital when I was a kid, because there was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right.

[Dave Anthony]

A game where it was. There were, like, little ant things, plastic ant things. I don't know what you did with them, but my sister and her friend were like, I dare you to put that up your nose. And I was like four or something or five. And so I did it. And then it wouldn't come out because I shoved it up there so far. So I had to go to the.

[Steve Fury]

Oh, dude. I knew a kid put a battery.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Anthony.

[Steve Fury]

I knew a kid put a battery in his.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh.

[Steve Fury]

And never told anybody. It disintegrated, melting his brain. He's.

[Dave Anthony]

What are you talking about? What the are you talking about?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop it.

[Steve Fury]

He put a battery. He was too embarrassed to tell his mom. You know when a battery gets wet, Starts getting that corrosion at the ends.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Steve Fury]

Corroded in there and it up his whole head. And he was never the same. I mean, he's actually worse than. He's worse than Never the same. He's not right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Has anyone changed the battery?

[Steve Fury]

No, we kept it up there. He seemed to like it a little bit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The doctor takes it out and. Oh, no, it's still got it. James in there.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, where's. Where's the flashlight? I gotta.

[Steve Fury]

He just sneezes. Tell Tim to sneeze. There we go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There we go. All right. I could see right here. Oh, you got a bunch of hair in the drain.

[Dave Anthony]

How old was. He's a child. Child.

[Steve Fury]

He's actually one of my cousins. A cousin's cousin. Like a cousin's kid.

[Dave Anthony]

This is the craziest story. I can't believe you topped my. No, no. I would think he wouldn't be doing well. I bet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I gotta say the fourth.

[Dave Anthony]

Maybe there wasn't a good outlook for him in the first place.

[Steve Fury]

No, you know, I mean, a lot of. We've just. Like, the burns is with balls. The Furies do put things in our noses. And.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The four times. Steve, with total seriousness, like, he's not doing great. He's deteriorated greatly.

[Steve Fury]

How Old are we hear this. But I don't have to worry. I don't think he's gone on the Internet.

[Dave Anthony]

No, he doesn't know how to work a podcast. How. How. How old is he now?

[Steve Fury]

Eight or nine maybe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You okay?

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, he's a kid. Kid still.

[Steve Fury]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did you fall?

[Dave Anthony]

How did they find the battery?

[Steve Fury]

Kid was like having problems. Like, serious problems. He said his head was hurt when the doctor and it was already up there and it already like.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God.

[Steve Fury]

Yes. Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can we get him on the show?

[Dave Anthony]

Holy God damn. I like listener.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

There's so many jokes I have right now that I'm absolutely not gonna say.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah. Hey, David, I don't know if you heard from Steve. He's not doing great. Yeah, the embarrassment to not. I think I'll just change my brain. I don't want to bother anyone.

[Dave Anthony]

I feel bad for the guy, okay? Oh, yeah, we all do. This is out of Kansas. Groom kidnapped by the bride's jealous rivals. Jealous rivals of the girl.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Rival bridegroom rivals.

[Dave Anthony]

Are there any rivals? You want to say anything right now? Yeah, Linda.

[Steve Fury]

If anyone has an objection, please stand up. You see like six people in leather jackets.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Christ. All the rivals. I'll go first. She owes me a bounty. I've been competing with her my whole life.

[Dave Anthony]

Can I just say she ain't all right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Rivals, not rivals. Anyone who's not a rival. The rival's table. Pretty good cake, though. Yeah, at the rivals table.

[Steve Fury]

Oh, crush the rivals table. Everyone else is a rival.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, everyone else has a curly mustache. Or a gun.

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, Frank, tell us why you think she's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I'm. I thought she was my friend.

[Dave Anthony]

No, go on. That's cool.

[Steve Fury]

I thought I'd be a bigger table.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm at the photographer table.

[Steve Fury]

I actually just know the photographer. They said he could bring somebody. Rivals.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I ordered steak. You'll have salmon. Do. Well, this only digs the cut deeper.

[Dave Anthony]

Jealous rivals of the girl he married kidnapped JB Steinrod from his bride for a few hours here and finally tied him to a telephone pole where he was kept prisoner for more than an hour.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What in the name. What?

[Dave Anthony]

He had on no overcoat. And the free. And the temperature was below freezing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, what. What rival doesn't have an overcoat?

[Dave Anthony]

On. On. No, he is. He's not. He's the husband. Yeah, he's not a rival.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right.

[Dave Anthony]

The rivals took it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sounds like the rivals there should.

[Dave Anthony]

Honestly, the way we're this story so far, there really should be jealous rivals at every Wedding because it makes so much more exciting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The best You.

[Dave Anthony]

You get more out of a story if there's conflict and drama and someone to bounce stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You have the brides, you have the. You have the groomsmen, you have the bridal party. And then you just have like the rivals standing there. Just like.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. All right, it's time for the best rival to speak.

[Steve Fury]

I love you talking your family. So I want to thanks the grooms family being here. You guys are going to cover the rear. The. You guys look great. You're going to get west north, and we're going to have the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Keep in mind these rivals love to swing in on chandeliers. So keep your eyes peeled.

[Dave Anthony]

And I need to reiterate. No knives.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No knives.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Steve Fury]

This is all. It's all guns, baby.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Has anyone seen my husband? Oh, God.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, he's tied to a God. The rival tied up to a pole.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The rivals.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, this is the best he on. He had on no overcoat and the temperature was freezing. Steinrod had been married only a short time to Ms. Ada Smith, a young widow. Wow.

[Steve Fury]

He died.

[Dave Anthony]

This is. I don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She'd already lost.

[Dave Anthony]

She was already like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's like my last husband. They threw in ice water. Not again, Gabe.

[Dave Anthony]

The girls caught him soon after the ceremony and after tying him to a pole, slapped his face, kicked his shins, and otherwise maltreated him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

Steinrod went before a justice of the peace and swore out warrants for all those in the crowd he had recognized.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Steve Fury]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

That is so crazy.

[Steve Fury]

I love the idea that he's like, you kicked my shins. Like, prove it. She's got like steel toe platform or like stilettos. You.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why. Why did you lump everyone from the wedding in a crowd? We're not very good at this.

[Dave Anthony]

Puts cold feet on a wife's back and she is suing for divorce.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There has not been one normal legal proceeding.

[Dave Anthony]

No, this is. This is what newspapers are for.

[Steve Fury]

What?

[Dave Anthony]

It's exactly what they need.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Suing you.

[Steve Fury]

Yeah. You know, the people, they always, like, pretend the past was better. Seems like the past if this was all the problems people had.

[Gareth Reynolds]

True.

[Steve Fury]

To take it back. We need to make America great again.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Finally.

[Steve Fury]

Finally. We finally have one reason to show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How great would it be to run on maga. But. But I mean it. But I like ser. In earnest Maga.

[Dave Anthony]

This story is out of Pittsburgh because the fires were out one cold night in 1906 when John Welfar, a wealthy wholesale grocery, returned home. His wife declares he put his Cold feet on her back to get warm. Now she is the respondent in a divorce on trial, and the charges are cruel and barbarous. Treatment and indignities. So. She brought that up in the divorce. I mean, she brought up in the divorce.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know we're just three dudes, but come on. Come on. I feel like. I mean, that happens. That's part of the game of being a couple. You're trying to, like, make the other one cold, put your fingers up their butt when they're walking in front, all that stuff. That's part of the thing.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Glad we all signed off on the book.

[Dave Anthony]

All right. We're all fine. Yeah.

[Steve Fury]

Yeah. I don't think anyone's on her side, sadly, for being pretty liberal. I don't think anyone's on this woman's side.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no. That's why I've always said not all women.

[Steve Fury]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's why I started that hashtag. And everyone piled on.

[Steve Fury]

This is what I meant. I meant.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is what I was talking about. Some of these women. Hey, remember when Jay Leno took that fall and half his face was a bruise? That's a non sequitur. What was that about?

[Dave Anthony]

That was fine. It was just. It was only, like, six months after he got his face hurt before. So it's all normal. He's not in any sort of situation where he has to pay debts and he's not paying them or, you know, not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are you talking about?

[Dave Anthony]

He's not illegally gambling and caught up in a ring. It's just like Bill Cosby's son died. Even though there was no better going.

[Gareth Reynolds]

On to you with this.

[Dave Anthony]

And the Russian mob wasn't a hit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are you talking about?

[Steve Fury]

I mean, I think you could be right. I think it makes sense.

[Dave Anthony]

I also wanted Jay Leno muscle.

[Steve Fury]

And then you feed him, you meet him, and it's just the biggest face you have to punch. It's like a punching bag.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We are. Our backs hurt. Our backs are in great pain. You cannot work the chin. Yeah, Come on, Try again. Why don't you guys keep going? I don't care how much money you owe, you keep going. It's like Rocky pounding a steak inside of that warehouse.

[Dave Anthony]

Now. I was out in the middle of nowhere doing. That sound like Mike Tyson. I was out in the middle of nowhere doing. At a hotel, at a place, and then I fell down a path. It's a bunch of times.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not. I can't believe that.

[Dave Anthony]

It's not on the up and up. It's not on the up and up.

[Steve Fury]

It's not bruises on your face and that scrapes.

[Dave Anthony]

It's not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I'm in the minority.

[Dave Anthony]

If there's something weird there. There's something weird going on for sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He was like, but he has a warehouse of cars. Wouldn't he just be like, take the Model T. I'm sorry.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, well, who knows what he's involved in? He's. He's up. Something happened that's not good. And he's getting. He's gotten the kicked out of him twice now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Leave the chin alone. Work right eye.

[Steve Fury]

He's the silent partner in all the Diddy parties.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's right. Boy, I don't think I was supposed to have that cocktail. I don't remember anything. Jesus Christ, Jay. Keep your eye on the prize. All right, Hip hop. All right, let's go. Hip it at the hip, hip, hip, hop. And don't stop the boogie and the jam with the boogie and up, up the boogie with the boogie with the boogie the beat. Come on. All right. That's crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

That's a guy who got kicked in the face.

[Steve Fury]

Yeah, that's what it looks like when.

[Dave Anthony]

You get kicked in the face.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That foot. Ow.

[Dave Anthony]

Just. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They put a pool ball in my mouth and I chewed it like it with some gum.

[Dave Anthony]

I was walking right outside that Motel 6 and I fell down and just dragged my face on the floor.

[Steve Fury]

Six could be prostitutes. That might make more sense because he.

[Dave Anthony]

Was like, it could be prostitutes. He is a sexual. He is a total. Like, I knew in the. In the early 90s, mid-90s, a guy who went to his house for dinner. It was like a. Like, four or five couples. Fancy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's saying Diddy, by the way. Go ahead, keep going.

[Dave Anthony]

And his entire back wall was a television screen, and he just had porn playing on it the whole night with just everyone eating and stuff. So he's not a normal gentleman.

[Steve Fury]

Are you serious?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Steve Fury]

No, I can't tell. I don't know. Dave, enough.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm completely serious. I'm completely serious.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Was he.

[Steve Fury]

Because I never even heard of his wife.

[Dave Anthony]

Was he ever married?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gentlemen.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We need to start a new podcast. This is. This. Honestly, the Leno pitches is too good.

[Dave Anthony]

His wife was. His wife was very active in, like, helping the women from the Taliban. So who knows? Could be the Taliban.

[Steve Fury]

This was so crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This.

[Dave Anthony]

This is Taliban hates porn also. Come on, put it together. Two plus. I told you, on the left. New Rogan, work with me.

[Steve Fury]

Yeah, this is getting real Rogany. This Is getting real.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Rogan. Dare I say Rogan's argument's more informed. Dave's just like, how about another keyword? Taliban. How we feel. What do we feel about the Taliban? They might be involved. I don't know how deep this goes.

[Steve Fury]

At a wall with different words.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's just playing catch with a Taliban. What do you think about that?

[Dave Anthony]

How do you think he got the Tonight show you over? Over?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just like, explain to me what's on the back of the 20.

[Dave Anthony]

Bill, nobody's talking about Letterman like he's not involved in this. Like he isn't working within this crew trying to take out Leto.

[Steve Fury]

But if this is like, you know.

[Dave Anthony]

Those bruises on his face are Letterman sized shoes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Steve Fury]

It's like how the cold war never stopped. The Tonight show war never really stopped.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They never saved. Oh, Dave and Jay, they're still going.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. And the Taliban, by the way, Dave beat him in the Raiders, but the Taliban got dragged into that fucking war.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Osama bin Leno. Think about it.

[Steve Fury]

I'm just in a cave.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If the cave's not that bad, I'll tell you what, it's pretty good here. I'll tell you what. This cave rocks and the fact that I can always grab one of us. Wow. That's our best. That is our best. Non sequitur on. I can't believe there's a world where I almost didn't mention that. Nine minutes of talking about how Jay Leno is in the pocket of the Taliban and they kicked him in the face.

[Dave Anthony]

No, he's against the Taliban.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's fighting up.

[Dave Anthony]

Letterman's working with the Taliban. Stick with us. All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Inside of Pittsburgh becomes a Caruso by crying coal. For 10 years, deal me Diomede Ventresco, a peddler has been wandering the streets crying a cool col. Now he has a voice almost as fine as Caruso's. The experts say. They attribute it to the simple regular outdoor training to which the unreal fuel vendor subjects his vocal organs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So this guy sang Cole so much that he's great. This is like an America's got talent intro.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's just. He's just working on his vocal cords.

[Steve Fury]

But it's only one word.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's gonna be an issue. He is the best in the business. There is one thing I should tell you before you hire him. He's only good at singing Cole. So.

[Dave Anthony]

So?

[Gareth Reynolds]

So it's pretty easy to understand the parameters.

[Steve Fury]

Like he's good at with songs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That by the way. Very helpful if we can get one of those. But if there are words outside of coal, if there are lyrics that aren't the word cold, there's a lot.

[Dave Anthony]

Most. I mean, almost all.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not gonna be. That's not gonna be great. So maybe pair them with someone who does the other words. Because Cole, he's the best in the business. He is the best in the business at call.

[Steve Fury]

But if you find every other word in the English language, then we can mix them together.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Again, I think. I don't. That guy might not fill in all the holes you're thinking. I mean, this guy is purely Cole. He's Cole only. And I'll tell you the other part. He will not learn another word.

[Steve Fury]

Not sing inside.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And he. By the way, he's an outdoor only coal guy, so.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God. This is really not gonna be too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Many fences around this project. But it's outdoor only and coal. And. And after. He needs to be paid. Yeah, go ahead.

[Dave Anthony]

The production is Le Mis.

[Steve Fury]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Which I believe after we went through it, we couldn't find one call in there.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's not in there.

[Steve Fury]

Yeah, I was suggesting. This was my thing. La Miz in West Virginia could be great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We think that'd be really good. Again, do it out. You have to do it outside. We cannot stress enough that he. He will, you know, inside for an audition.

[Dave Anthony]

None of our productions are outside, so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That'S gonna be a big problem. Well, I'll tell you what. I don't know if this one will work for two reasons. The first is a lot. It sounds like it's all inside, which is a huge problem. The second is. I don't even think you have the word. He'll sing, which is.

[Dave Anthony]

No, not in. At the show. No, it's. It's Les Mis.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just had an idea. What if you changed every word to call and you did it outside?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, no, that's not gonna. I mean.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you're right.

[Dave Anthony]

Just the worst idea I've ever heard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Better. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Honestly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Well, there you go. Okay, well, keep us in mind if you have any musicals that are only coal or have coal in it. You want to pair them with a guy. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, I might just suggest you write one, because I don't think there's any out there that are actually just coal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cold, cold, cold, cold. Co, co. This is cold. This is cold. It's outside. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I've already got a bunch of stuff cranking. I'll put together a PDF, get that over to you guys.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's 1912, so we. There's no PDFs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, big time. Big time, buddy. Big.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I rep dogs. Yeah. And he will not work with the cold guy.

[Dave Anthony]

By the by Ventresco's coal. Ventrisco's voice was discovered when he was committed to the county jail on a charge of disorderly conduct. Warden Lewis was training his prison choir for Christmas. And the pedal times the pedal was asked to join. Scarcely had he run the scale when the warden dashed to the phone and summoned Professor Landon and other singing instructors.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Back to the future.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. They listened to the coal man's voice with open eyed wonder. He'll be in grand opera in two years with proper culture. They chorused. He will be tried out first in vaudeville.

[Steve Fury]

Well, what they say, like, wasn't like Whitney Houston or something discovered at like a gas station.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is that true?

[Dave Anthony]

What?

[Steve Fury]

It's not. I'm gonna be honest now that that came out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That you didn't hang in there for super long. Steve. I'm not gonna lie to you. You really.

[Dave Anthony]

She was right next to Of Boiled peanuts just singing away. She's a gas. She's one of the classic gas station singers.

[Steve Fury]

I think it was someone. I swear to God.

[Dave Anthony]

You do think it was somewhere?

[Steve Fury]

Yeah, someone was.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Are you saying it might not have been Whitney, but someone was discovered singing at a gas station?

[Gareth Reynolds]

A gas station. I'll look it up.

[Steve Fury]

Oh, Tony Braxton. That's pretty close. Tony Braxton, was it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's Toni Braxton.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

She's singing.

[Steve Fury]

She was. She was. She went to Bowie State University to get a teaching degree. She decided to sing professionally after she was discovered by William E. Petaway Jr. Who heard her singing at. While pumping gas. Yeah, I knew someone.

[Dave Anthony]

Now you're right. It's right here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is great. By the way, every other time, though, I'd be at that gas station if like, other people be like, stop. Like, if I heard that, I'd be, stop it. I wouldn't be like, great voice. I'd be like, we get it. You're needy. It's like when you would go to karaoke in LA and you'd be like, why are you here?

[Steve Fury]

Yeah, they're so good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

People be like, I didn't get hugged as a kid. Now I'm gonna sing nine songs tonight and ruin everything that LA karaoke is.

[Steve Fury]

They're pretty good though.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know. That's what. That's what. That's not what it's meant, like. It's just not meant to be. A place for like the people who would like, go to LA karaoke and do like nine songs a night. And then they were like, this is everything. And they'd be alone and you'd be like, yeah, this is. This is sad.

[Steve Fury]

Yeah. I'll tell you though, after. I bet you after Braxton got discovered at a gas station, those 76 is all over the country.

[Dave Anthony]

Just.

[Steve Fury]

Just awesome people.

[Dave Anthony]

Just an opera singer shell just banging them out. Gasoline.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold, cold, cold, cold, cold.

[Dave Anthony]

Petrol. Here's some. There's just a bunch of little stories here. Samuel Best is a retired fire department captain. Saw a fire across the street from his home and drop dead from excitement.

[Steve Fury]

That's the pre ejaculation of firefighters.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is. That is. Just read it one more time just because that is the perfect headline.

[Dave Anthony]

Samuel Best, 78, a retired fire department cat captain, saw a fire across the street from his home and dropped dead from excitement.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This guy was retired, so he was like, in his head, he was like, someday maybe they'll need me again. And then it's like across the street and his body can't contain himself and he dies.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, it's happening.

[Steve Fury]

I feel like that's the guy. That's the type of guy who's like the nowadays guy who like, lives in Texas, goes to the gun range ten times a day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Steve Fury]

He's had a pistol on him all the time. Something happens. Gun jams. He got shot in the head.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're not even gun jabs. He just sits like. They're like.

[Steve Fury]

Yeah, he's outside.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Too real. Too real. Too real.

[Dave Anthony]

Although two physicians have declared an operation on his skull would make Charlie White 12, into a good boy, his mother refuses to permit the surgeons to work because she believes in original sin.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, so. Well, she's right, first of all, she's wrong about the original sin, but right about the surgery. So he's not going to be fixed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

12 skull pitching. Oh, get in your son's brain and take the battery out.

[Dave Anthony]

We got to get in there. So he's. He's. He's a problem. Right. He's always causing trouble and stuff and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

All right, so we want to get in there and crack that skull open and take some parts out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, my partner's a little. Let me, let me, Let me just.

[Dave Anthony]

Want to get in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I want to get. Take out the bad part of the kid's brain.

[Dave Anthony]

When we open it up, it's going to be like a big pink thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Half the brain has to go, ma'am.

[Dave Anthony]

There'Ll be some little black full of evil. And the little black parts we'll just take out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're gonna take out all the gray. Do you understand?

[Steve Fury]

I love the mom, too. You're not doing that to my son. Thanks, Mom. God wanted him to be this bad and dumb and stupid.

[Dave Anthony]

Wait a minute.

[Gareth Reynolds]

God created a. Look, as much as I trust what you guys would do inside of my kid's skull, it's just not part of my religion, man.

[Dave Anthony]

What if we get in there and we find God?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Duh. All right, crack him like an egg. Let's go. Sorry, Trevor.

[Steve Fury]

You're scrambled now, honey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, ma'am, I'm not gonna lie. We got in there and we completely lost the communication. Was. It's over, that kid. It's done. The boys we took out so much. It was like Garfield tried to sneak a piece of cake. And then in order to even it out and squish it together, he has to take more cake and then he eats the whole cake. Yeah, that with your boy's brain.

[Dave Anthony]

But as an added feature, we put a cue ball in his mouth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look at that, huh? He's like a pig on a platter.

[Dave Anthony]

Had to take all the tea got.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look at that. He's rattling around.

[Steve Fury]

He'll give you a fortune. Watch this. Check this out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Check back later. This kid, I swear. I swear.

[Dave Anthony]

A needle was removed from the right hip of Ms. Fred Willis. It enter her, entered her thumb 22 years ago.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What the.

[Dave Anthony]

Now Oswald did it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is. This is.

[Dave Anthony]

This is real. This is how anatomy works. You push a pin in your thumb, takes about 20 years. Gets down to your hip. You leave it in there 44 years coming out your toe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Science, no. Science, no.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it's printed. So it happened.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This whole. This whole quick grab you section is a little. The first one I want. I. I was like. I like the corner, like, going like through the body. Be like, what got him? Like, he was so excited for the fire, his heart blew up. And now we're talking about a needle going to a hip.

[Steve Fury]

She's just smoking a cigarette. Hey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How about a guy kept pulling a vine until he found Tarzan? I don't know, but this is a crazy part of the paper. A guy taught himself to read with an eye chart. I don't know. What. Is there anything there? I don't know. A guy licked so many stamps that he got hired by the poster. I. I literally, like, I am done. I can't even. I don't. You know what I mean? A woman Bought a human jar. She. Yeah. Sorry. I'm going to bed. This is. I'll. I'll noodle something. I'll noodle some.

[Dave Anthony]

Enrico Caruso, shot dead in Latasca. Fell on the stage so hard he bumped his nose. And when the blood began to flow, the dead man began to moan loudly. And then the curtain fell.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it's not my best. That sounds like a kid making it up. What happened to him? I fell. And then his head got hit so hard, and then the blood came out. And then.

[Steve Fury]

I love that he was dead and moaning. It's like, he's dead. The guy's moaning. It's like the coroner. The corner's like, n. He's dead. The guy's moaning.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Put the curtain down. I'm not. There's a little more. Show's over, people. We're not. We're done.

[Dave Anthony]

Out of 400 men and women taking his course in phrenology, Dr. Julius von Berdauer has promised to pick three couples who will be ideally mated. He will pick the affinities by the bumps on their heads.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You'll be Kathy, just the guy. Feeling ahead. I think I actually should bang Alice. Am I crazy? I feel my own head here. Perfect. That's very nice. That's very nice. Oh, he's got a little cue ball right down here. That's cool.

[Steve Fury]

I know. Like, what about the people with, like, the hot dog pack? Like, what. What would he. What would someone. Who does that feel on those guys?

[Gareth Reynolds]

The hot dog pack.

[Steve Fury]

You've never seen someone with, like, four hot dogs?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, the. Like the. The. The kind of, like, folds.

[Steve Fury]

Yeah, yeah, the folds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Oh.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, yeah. Four hot dogs. It's just the craziest way to describe it. Like a pack of hot dogs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He did do it shorthand. Like, he was like, you know, hot dog neckers.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, hot dog. Everyone's hot dog neck guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, hot dog neckers. You know, ball. You know, a ball game head. I. In 1912. I think that's a more recent thing. I guess we had, like. But, like, when you look at, like, morbidly obese back then, they were like, He's 300 pounds.

[Steve Fury]

I don't even know if that. I would probably say 200.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. So they probably didn't have the hot dog neckers back then.

[Steve Fury]

Yeah, you're right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They were probably. And if they did, they were like, we've hired him for the circus.

[Steve Fury]

I do just love, like, the lumpy head guy. Like, just getting it bad, because even now, we just don't we're not doing it. But if someone had a bunch of lumps on their head, they're probably not, like, the most likeable person you've ever.

[Dave Anthony]

Seen in your life. Unless you like lumpy.

[Steve Fury]

Unless you like a lumpy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, I love a lumpy, lumpy head.

[Steve Fury]

What's the first thing you've noticed that made you love her?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love a sense of humor and I love a head with a bunch of bumps.

[Dave Anthony]

This is just you on hinge.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love a big. Yeah. No, I won't buy dinner. And yes, I want a lumpy melon.

[Steve Fury]

At least 2 to 3 knots. Please do not reply.

[Gareth Reynolds]

2 to 3 knots. An out of focus mirror of, like, picture of me naked. Like, this guy is. I'm looking for a lumpy melon and I won't pay. They keep. They keep freezing my account.

[Dave Anthony]

This story is from Paris. A messenger boy has been reported to the police. Oh, sorry. A messenger boy has reported to the police the loss of a tube containing $8,000 worth of radium, which he says burned a hole in his pocket and fell to the sidewalk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not true. And by the way, that would be radio, invented by Marie Curie. That was.

[Dave Anthony]

This is the time they were using all that radium and watches and stuff. Why not?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, okay, but then we're like, 10 years away from that kid being like, my hip fell off.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, absolutely. The kidship's gonna fall off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I don't know if I mentioned Final Jeopardy. Yesterday was Marie Curie, and I got it.

[Steve Fury]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

All right, last one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why? What?

[Dave Anthony]

Riley, today.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, go ahead. Sorry.

[Dave Anthony]

Wives are just as important as cows.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. Here's what I find strange. The fact that he's like, let me make a play for the W. Like, he's not going. Like, cows are awesome. He's like, wives also have value.

[Steve Fury]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That was the sweetest vibe. Yeah. Hold on. Hear me out.

[Dave Anthony]

Now, you can't milk them, but you can really get in there, if you know what I'm talking about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What if I told you God invented a cow? You could. And it's called a wife.

[Dave Anthony]

I have a question, sir.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, we're not doing those.

[Dave Anthony]

I can. My cow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. All right. That's why we don't do these. Not a question, and nobody wanted to hear it.

[Dave Anthony]

And she don't put her hot feet, wet and cold feet on my back. Or hot, wet feet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is going on? I got a real hot dog head.

[Steve Fury]

This crowd is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Am I being canceled?

[Dave Anthony]

I thought my brain wanted to say cold, and it came up hot and wet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wet, by the way. You do. You are allowed to sue someone if they're like you. Like that clammy feet.

[Dave Anthony]

Your wives are just as important as your cows and should have as good care, said Dr. Harvey Wiley, Chief chemist of the Department of Agriculture to members of the Vermont Dairymen's Association. Here. A bathtub with hot and cold water in the house is just as important as a silo in the barn.

[Steve Fury]

Dude, I love it. He was just like this. Everyone was like, this guy's crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And that. Is that it? Is that all?

[Dave Anthony]

That's it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He made two points. He's like, I got two bangers. You got a Beth, hear me out. A bath is nice. And a wife will do.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, get yourself a wife, get yourself a cow, get yourself a bath. Bang, you're done, man. And the paper, you got everything covered. You got outdoor cover, you got indoor covered.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you can get clean the paper. Giving this guy any space in the paper is like. It's like when someone films a crazy person in public and yeah, yeah, they exist. Leave them.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Well, this is a tweet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, yeah, this is like.

[Dave Anthony]

This is like a Ben Shapiro tweet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sometimes that'll happen when you argue with someone on Twitter and then you'll like, go to their profile. You're like, this person has been making points for eight years and gotten no likes.

[Dave Anthony]

No, none.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, nobody's liking anything. And they're still like, stop signs. Shouldn't be eight sided. They're just like, what are you doing, bro? This is crazy. This is message on a bottle. Well, Steve, thank you for joining us. Is your mother gonna listen to this?

[Steve Fury]

Probably, yeah. She's a dude.

[Dave Anthony]

She. Is she still in the phrenology?

[Steve Fury]

Yeah. No, she's lumpy as hell. I've been trying to shave them off. I tried putting a battery up in her nose. Apparently that added another lump. Let's see what happens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's lumpy as hell. And I tried shaving them off. Wrong approach. Well, thank you, Scuba Steve Fury. Truly one of the funniest dudes ever. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

That was so fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you both.

[Steve Fury]

I really, really, really appreciate it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you for joining us, Steve.

[Dave Anthony]

Awesome.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love you.

[Steve Fury]

Love you guys. Bye, Mary.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say I love you. Love you so much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Some of these days you'll miss me.

[Steve Fury]

Honey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Some of these days. Oh, you like this podcast, do you? Then you're going to love me on the road, doing standup. Go to Gareth Reynolds.com if you are in Richmond Heights, Missouri, St. Louis, let's be honest. January 7, January 8 Indianapolis, Batavia, Batavia, someone said online. Illinois, January 9 through the 11th Cedar Rapids, Iowa, January 12 Minneapolis, Minnesota, January 15 through the 18th. Then I'll be in Buffalo, New York, on January 30 Rutherford, New Jersey. January 31 through February 1 Brea, California, February 7 Eureka, California, February 11 San Francisco February 12 Sacramento, February 13 Naples, March 24 Charlotte, North Carolina. April 13, April 14 I will be in Raleigh, North Carolina. Virginia Beach, April 15 Richmond, Virginia, April 16 Lutherville, basically Baltimore, I think. April 17, 18th, 19th, 19th. It cuts off there. And Winnipeg this summer in May. Go to garethreynolds.com for tickets and information. You're the Gear Force. We need you. Gear Force. Hashtag gear Force. Gear Force.