110 - The Past Times with Brad Williams

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds
Episode 110 - The Past Times with Brad Williams
Release Date: February 8, 2025

Hosted by Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds, "The Dollop" delves into quirky and intriguing slices of history each episode. In Episode 110, titled "The Past Times with Brad Williams," the hosts welcome comedian Brad Williams to explore fascinating and humorous historical events.

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1. Tour Announcements and Greetings (00:00 - 01:11)

The episode kicks off with Dave and Gareth excitedly announcing their March 2025 comedy tour, highlighting their favorite cities:

• Tempe, Arizona on March 16th
• Albuquerque, New Mexico on March 17th
• Oklahoma City, Oklahoma on March 18th
• Tulsa, Oklahoma on March 19th
• Dallas, Texas on March 20th
• Houston, Texas on March 21st
• Austin, Texas concluding the tour on March 22nd at the Cap City Comedy Club

Notable Quote:

Gareth Reynolds [00:09]: "It's the best."

2. Introduction to Brad Williams (01:11 - 05:28)

Gareth welcomes Brad Williams back to the podcast, sharing a lighthearted moment about Brad’s wife discovering his comedy career through the show.

Notable Quote:

Brad Williams [01:29]: "This is a podcast that my wife listens to religiously. So she'll finally hear this. She'll finally know that I am a comedian."

The conversation segues into Brad announcing his upcoming 2025 dates, prompting Gareth to encourage listeners to visit BradWilliamsComedy.com for more information.

3. Comedian Anecdotes and Experiences (05:28 - 17:45)

Brad shares humorous stories about his experiences in the comedy world, including interactions with guests like Earl Skakel and the infamous meeting involving Robert Kennedy.

Notable Quotes:

Brad Williams [05:28]: "We often say that it's our number one. The best city I've ever been to."

Gareth Reynolds [07:17]: "It's not even a small club you're in if he's pulled that on you. But, I mean, I remember being like, Jesus Christ."

The hosts discuss their favorite comedians, including Peter Dinklage, Jared Seinfeld, and Chris Rock, blending admiration with playful ribbing.

4. Historical Humor and Storytelling (12:29 - 27:24)

The trio delves into historical headlines, transforming mundane news into comedic narratives. One standout story involves a horse swallowing a whip:

Notable Quotes:

Dave Anthony [50:31]: "A stout buggy whip four feet and a half long could remain in a horse's stomach for over two years and the horse survive. Seems implausible, impossible. But just this thing happened to a valuable animal owned by Allen Eagle near Carbondale, Illinois, which died a few days ago."

The hosts humorously dissect the absurdity of the situation, imagining exaggerated scenarios and mock interviews related to the event.

5. Satirical Commentary on Modern Issues (27:24 - 45:37)

Brad, Dave, and Gareth offer satirical takes on modern societal issues, including the portrayal of dwarves in media and the role of celebrities like Jason Statham and Michael Caine in pop culture.

Notable Quotes:

Brad Williams [22:07]: "The tigers are ruining the midgets today. They are ripping them apart."

Gareth Reynolds [36:13]: "It's still. There's still cotton, right?"

The conversation transitions into mock-serious debates about historical medical practices and the evolution of language, peppered with humorous impressions and fictional scenarios.

6. Closing Remarks and Final Banter (45:37 - 64:35)

As the episode wraps up, the hosts reflect on the absurdities discussed, blending heartfelt appreciation for historical insights with their signature comedic flair. They encourage listeners to follow Brad Williams on his tour and provide promotional codes for sponsors, ensuring a seamless connection between the podcast and Brad's live performances.

Notable Quotes:

Brad Williams [61:30]: "I gave him hating lawyers."

Dave Anthony [64:08]: "Shove it down his throat."

The episode concludes with playful banter about hypothetical scenarios and a humorous take on legal proceedings, leaving listeners entertained and eager for the next historical deep dive.

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Key Takeaways:

• Engaging Discussions: The episode seamlessly blends historical events with contemporary comedic perspectives, making history both entertaining and relatable.

• Humorous Storytelling: Through Brad Williams' anecdotes and the hosts' improvisational humor, listeners are taken on a laughter-filled journey through past events.

• Interactive Elements: The inclusion of tour announcements and sponsor promotions fosters a sense of community and engagement among listeners.

Notable Moments:

• Brad Williams' stories about interacting with the Kennedy family members, particularly Robert Bobby's humorous antics ([05:49]).

• The hilariously detailed account of a horse swallowing a whip and the ensuing fictional medical procedures ([50:31]).

• Playful impersonations and satirical takes on famous actors and pop culture elements, enhancing the comedic value of the historical narratives.

Final Thought:

Episode 110 of "The Dollop" stands out as a vibrant blend of comedy and history, showcasing Brad Williams' comedic talents alongside Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds' sharp wit. Whether you're a history buff or a comedy enthusiast, this episode offers a memorable and laughter-packed exploration of the past.

Transcript

[Dave Anthony]

We're going on tour. And this is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's been a while.

[Dave Anthony]

March 2025 is when our tour is happening. First of all, we're going to Tempe, Arizona, maybe our favorite city of all time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's the best.

[Dave Anthony]

That is on March 16th. And then we go to Albuquerque, New Mexico, maybe our favorite city ever, we've ever gone to. That's on March 17th. And then we go to Oklahoma City.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Which is our fav. We often say that it's our number one.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's our number one. The best city I've ever been to. That's on March 18th. On March 19th, we're going to be in Tulsa, Oklahoma, our favorite city, without question. And then we head to Dallas, Texas, on March 20th.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Our favorite city.

[Dave Anthony]

There's never been a better city.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you don't like it, you're a Dallas hole.

[Dave Anthony]

Thank you. And then we go to Houston, Texas, on March 21. City, which is by far the best city. And then we end our tour in Austin, Texas, on March 22 at the Cap City Comedy Club.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's the best city in the entire world. Number one city in the world.

[Dave Anthony]

You can get tickets@dollar podcast.com tour.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, everybody, welcome to the Past Times podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds, and. And I've never seen it before. And neither is our guest this week, the great Brad Williams. Brad, welcome back.

[Brad Williams]

Thank you for having me back on the podcast once again. This is a podcast that my wife listens to religiously. So she'll finally hear this. She'll finally know that I am. That she'll finally hear that I am a comedian.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's good for her to know that.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good for her to know that my.

[Brad Williams]

Appearances on this podcast, she would have no idea what I do for a living.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're just a car payment maker and a jaunty chapeau.

[Brad Williams]

That's it. Occasionally I watch the kid. That's. Then I leave for four days on the weekends. He doesn't know what I'm doing or where I am. Well, I'm on this podcast and she's like, oh, I married a comedian. That's cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, listen, what a great segue into the fact that you're going to be. You just announced your 20, 25 dates.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And people can go to Brad Williams Comedy for that information.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah. Doing a bunch of theaters, doing a bunch of. A few states I haven't done before. I'm going to what are those?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, great state.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah, call me. One of the people that watched Yellowstone and then called my agent was like, send me there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Our agent. All right. We all share the great, the great mark, Walter. Yes. Good for you. And it seems like you really started doing better after your last appearance on.

[Brad Williams]

This show is that you could definitely coincide those things. I, I, I'm thinking the Charlie Day meme where he's got all the stuff pointed on the wall, he's trying to make connections. I think you could say Brad Williams appears on pastimes, sells tickets, and I think, I can't wait to see what happens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's us more than tick tock. Yeah, no, get ready. You're gonna be back to clubs, Brad. You're going back to clubs, Brad.

[Dave Anthony]

I was an Irvine for my kids baseball tournament and I was like, let's go get something to eat. And I went to the mall and Umi burger, Is that what it's called? Umiburger.

[Brad Williams]

Umami.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Umami.

[Dave Anthony]

Umami burger. And I remember the one when it originally started and it was fantastic. So I was like, oh, let's go there. And so I took my kid. It was just me and him sitting in there. And there was a big line of people waiting for a comic to come out. And then you come running out and you're running because you're trying to get, because the show's been over for a while and trying to get to the line. And I'm looking at you and I'm like, oh. And I look and I'm staring you. And my, my kid is like, don't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stare at the little person.

[Dave Anthony]

And I'm just like, no, I know him. He's like, you don't know him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're not all the same.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm like, I know that guy. He's like, no, you don't.

[Brad Williams]

You're trying to get material. He's just a guy trying to make a living. It's not Dinklage, Dad. It's not Dinklage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He probably came and saw his favorite comedian. Well, what's funny is Brad sells out all those shows and I don't know if you've done stand up at one of those improvs when it's half sold.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, yeah, it's not great when it's that room. That room I've been in more, more often unsold than sold, but that's a, that is, that, that is the room that I had 27 people thrown out during a show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Brad Williams]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

27.

[Brad Williams]

27.

[Dave Anthony]

It was a late show on like a Friday. They were so hammered, I was just like, out, out.

[Brad Williams]

Was. Was it all the same table or were you just handing out exits like Oprah?

[Dave Anthony]

It was like five or six tables. I was just like, okay, you and now you. And they were just, they were all so shit faced and so annoying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Real life blocking the Dave Anthony dream. All right, Brad, so listen, you know what we do here, but just to refresh, remember, we're going to go through this weird news, so we're going to start with a guess of what the year is. You're going to, you're going to guess first. Okay. Whoever's closest wins. What's going to happen is you'll guess, you'll. One of us will be closer. No matter what happens, Dave will say that you win. And you know, that's how it goes. So.

[Brad Williams]

Well, I'll go for a year. All right, so I was, I, I was just. The Comedy Store where I was talking with Earl Skakel, who is, who is a Kennedy. He's, he's, he's related. He's related to the whole Kennedy. I dare, dare I say the name Clan. But yeah, the whole Kennedy thing.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, Clan's right.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah. So, so that goes, you know, now that I've, I was talking to Earl, we were talking about his uncle Robert Bobby.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good.

[Dave Anthony]

Some really.

[Brad Williams]

Oh, bobo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Head collector.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah. What. What he's got in store for the country. I. I saw a tweet today. I don't know if it's real, I don't know if it's fake. And I think that could summarize all the tweets nowadays.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Brad Williams]

But. So I saw a tweet that said Robert Kennedy plans to. To ban uncrustables. And I was like, well, here we go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He better pick his battles a little more careful. You can get rid of the polio vaccine, but you do not touch P is on a bagel.

[Brad Williams]

Fine. Totally fine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pick your battles.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah, I mean, if he gets rid of uncrustables, that's going to be my January 6th.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is going to be bad.

[Brad Williams]

I'm.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You think what we did to his dad and uncle is bad? Get uncrustables out of the store. You'll watch a head pop.

[Brad Williams]

See, so that being said, I was thinking about that whole family. So let's go with 1963.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, by the way, that year, that's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The Kennedy one of the. One of the first times I met Earl, he showed me a picture in the mirror and he goes, hey, do you like my abs? And he's fully naked.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah, I've seen that photo. And it's. Apparently, that's his move.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. I was going to say it's not a. It's not even a small club you're in if he's pulled that on you. But, I mean, I remember being like, Jesus Christ. Because he has a huge penis.

[Dave Anthony]

That's a Kennedy thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is a Kennedy thing.

[Brad Williams]

It's a Kenny thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's why we got it.

[Brad Williams]

Marilyn was very happy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Yeah, absolutely.

[Dave Anthony]

Until they killed her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so 60.

[Dave Anthony]

I'll.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm gonna go. I. I like the 1900, so let's stick there, but I'll go 1922.

[Brad Williams]

Okay. Any particular reason? 22.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just because. Just because I. That's when Earl showed me his penis. It looked like it was between 19 to 22.

[Brad Williams]

Oh, okay. I was. What, you're a fan of Harding? I don't even know if he was the president, but I was just throwing out an old president.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Believe me, you can.

[Brad Williams]

No one would know the years Earl.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Showed me his Harding penis.

[Brad Williams]

Oh.

[Dave Anthony]

It'S 1898.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Brad Williams]

Right.

[Dave Anthony]

So Brad wins.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Let me tell you.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Doesn't make any sense.

[Brad Williams]

I win. That. That is a dog in the background.

[Dave Anthony]

Are excited.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who's. You're Dave's dogs.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, those are my dogs. There's a delivery person here, and the dogs want to kill him or her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So understandably.

[Brad Williams]

And I.

[Dave Anthony]

If you guys. If I wasn't doing a podcast right now, I'd let. Let the dogs out and let the dogs kill the delivery person.

[Brad Williams]

That. That. That is kind of weird when you think about it from their perspective. They're just kind of lounging around, having a good time, and all of a sudden, they hear a bell. They're, like, destroyed, and they just go instant, like, whoever is coming in my full domain.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, so you have three, too. So it's just like. One of them's like, Jesus Christ. The rest are like, freak out.

[Dave Anthony]

What's funny is there's one that if they do that, the other two freak out. There's another one that does it. Then one other one will freak out. And then the newest one, if that dog is like, brow and runs, then the other two are like, all right, newbie, you. Oh, what do you hear? Basketball next door.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You.

[Brad Williams]

It's 1863. You said no. 18.

[Dave Anthony]

1898.

[Brad Williams]

98. Okay. Got. I got. I gotta make sure I get my year correct, so I know what's happening.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's gonna be valuable information.

[Dave Anthony]

It's the Democrat Herald. Springfield, Colorado. January 14th.

[Brad Williams]

There's a Springfield, Colorado.

[Dave Anthony]

There is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There is Springfield, everyone, I'm sure.

[Brad Williams]

Maybe I did not know.

[Dave Anthony]

Might have gotten rid of it by now. Who knows?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mac raining shut a lot of them down. A lot of these is quite litigious.

[Dave Anthony]

There's a lot of Colorado towns that existed and then they went away because it was just a mining town.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah. All right. So, yeah, because I, I, earlier this year, I was the Springfield of the state of Illinois and I, yeah. Did a show there. So I'm just trying to. Okay, so Springfield, Colorado.

[Dave Anthony]

There's a bunch of Springfields. It's like the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brad Williams]

They have some sort of contest, like, they tried to claim, like, which one was the Simpsons Springfield.

[Dave Anthony]

Like, it turned out to be the Massachusetts one. Right. Well, you have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, was it.

[Dave Anthony]

You have Mayor Quimby. So it kind of has to be the Massachusetts one. Right.

[Brad Williams]

Mayor Quimby. Also Kennedy related.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. A skakele.

[Brad Williams]

It must be a skakele.

[Dave Anthony]

Earl.

[Brad Williams]

Very big. Very big.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Said nice.

[Brad Williams]

Nice. Doesn't sound so bad. In the Hard Massachusetts tour, let me tell you. Don't buy the cryptocurrency from the tour.

[Dave Anthony]

Has she started doing stand up yet?

[Brad Williams]

It's coming, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Some people believe that she's just my ayahuasca trip here to kill my ego.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Brad Williams]

So sure, I. There, There will come a day when I have been doing five minutes on stage at the Comedy Store and someone will pass me a note that says, wrap it up. Hawk 2 is here, wants to go on. Okay. Yeah, I've been. I. And, and when that happens, I will have been bumped by Gabriel Glacias, Jerry seinfeld, and then Hawk 2.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pretty much the most talented of the three.

[Brad Williams]

Pretty much comedy Mount Rushmore.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Brad Williams]

Without question, if we're being honest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Those are good bumps, though. Those are good bumps. I got bumped by sign.

[Brad Williams]

Those are solid bumps. I'm totally fine with all those bumps.

[Dave Anthony]

Minor Seinfeld and Chris Rock. Those are the biggest. What do you got?

[Brad Williams]

Nothing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you guys remember the guy from the Dunkin Donuts commercial?

[Brad Williams]

Time to make the donuts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, but he was in one of those. Not that guy. But he was in one of those. Oh, my God. Yeah, that guy. He was doing pretty good for a while. And he still bumps me when.

[Dave Anthony]

When Chris. When Chris Rock. When Chris Rock bumped me, I looked at him and I said, well, we have the same manager, so I'll allow it. And he just. He just stared at me. Just nothing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nothing. That charm.

[Brad Williams]

The little Rock charm.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All Right, here we go.

[Dave Anthony]

Two policemen in Boston are hard at work trying to prevent the students of a young medical school and those of a young lady.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Long headline. Long headline.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, have you heard this?

[Dave Anthony]

There's no headline in this one. There's no headlines in this paper. I don't think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, okay.

[Brad Williams]

Oh, interesting. Hey. Well, it is. Springfield, Colorado. So they're like, we don't have sections to this paper.

[Dave Anthony]

Throw it in the paper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, they probably got bumped by other headlines. Okay.

[Brad Williams]

Springfield, Colorado.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Two policemen in Boston are hard at work trying to prevent the students of a medical school and those of a young ladies seminary from looking at each other.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good, good.

[Brad Williams]

Save room for the Holy Spirit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, there'll be none of that.

[Brad Williams]

Not. Not banging. Not staring. Staring.

[Dave Anthony]

Check it out. This is clearly a one way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a future jack off. Stop it. We know what bank you're storing her in. And nuns.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, that's right.

[Brad Williams]

And so like future nuns, police were called to this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cops.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, cops were called because the dudes are clearly checking out the nuns thought crimes. Are you sure you want to be a nun there, sister?

[Brad Williams]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Huh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're under arrest. We know what you're gonna do. Check his balls, Dan.

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, you need a Hail Mary over there.

[Brad Williams]

Sometimes when I think that things are pretty bad nowadays, I just. I can listen to this podcast, listen to one headline and old paper. We've evolved a little.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Little.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is. It is safe to say that you are allowed to ogle.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And. Yeah, you can ogle.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, you can.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're allowed to ogle. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Just don't. Just as long as you're just not, like. It's a compliment. Like. Right. That's. Yeah. You're allowed to have a stare.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah. Have a glance.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Brad Williams]

Based on. Based on my height, though. Based on my height. I don't know if I'm allowed to stare straight, though. I can't stare straight. I have to be at an angle and up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Dangle.

[Brad Williams]

If I'm tilted up. Then we're okay. Then we're okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Is the term. Is the term Muff high still a thing that people use?

[Brad Williams]

Oh, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's where you went to school, right?

[Brad Williams]

Yeah, I feel like. I feel like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go Beavers.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah, go Beavers. Go Muff High Beavers. All right. Someone make that into a T shirt.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, there you go.

[Dave Anthony]

There is there.

[Brad Williams]

There is a school in North Dakota I've been told about this many times. There is a high school in North Dakota whose mascot is the Midgets.

[Dave Anthony]

Seriously?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Brad Williams]

All I want is a T shirt, Brad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can't have me be the one who's saying no to that. You want the merch? I'm like, no, we're not doing that.

[Brad Williams]

I mean, I mean, there are some.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There are.

[Brad Williams]

There are some people that if told that they were going up against the fighting midgets of North Dakota would be quite scared. But. But most people, if you're like the buffalo or the tigers, probably not too afraid of the midget.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The tigers are ruining the midgets today. They are ripping them apart.

[Brad Williams]

I mean, imagine how confused. Because, you know, there's a friend of mine does. He's in Texas and he announces high school football games, high school basketball games. Imagine if you don't know the mascot and you just hear the announcer like. And that's the 12th rebound.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The midgets are really on one this season.

[Brad Williams]

A precedent. Unprecedented rebounding tonight by the midgets. You're just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's the midgets. First dunk of the evening. More to come, most likely slam dunk by the midgets. And you're like, oh, traveling by the midgets.

[Brad Williams]

How did that happen? So we got that going for us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It could always be worse. I mean, we've heard ones on this show that you're like, oh, no, they.

[Dave Anthony]

They went on for like. But that's like the craziest one is next to Peoria. There's a peeking change until 81.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure. Oh, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

81.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, 81. And that's not okay. No. But the fact that is still being.

[Brad Williams]

That's why crazy just thrown around. But hey. Yeah. So we. So we can be a derogatory mascot. But God forbid we actually play a dwarf in a Snow White movie. That is. That is too far. Too far.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Brad Williams]

Glad. I'm glad we're saving Snow White and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The seven normal hided men also sounds good.

[Dave Anthony]

Snow White, the big guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Snow White and the regular men. Then it just becomes way weirder.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. It's like when we all try to her. God, you are really awful.

[Brad Williams]

If you watch the trailer. If you watch the trailer for the new live action Snow White. There's a. There's a time when the CGI dwarves, not real. Not real actors, but the CGI dwarves catch Snow White sleeping in their. In their bed. And it's a real. You know, it's real Goldilocks situation. And uh, and. And they go, oh, a human. And I'm like, right, because we're not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are you Serious Correction.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah. Because that happens whenever anyone sees someone sleeping in their home. No matter what, they go, a human.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A human woman.

[Brad Williams]

The quarterback from the Bengals, Joe Burrow, he got robbed, like last week. And I'm sure if he had come home and seen the robber in his home, he would have been like, hark. A human.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A human. By the way, he got robbed all season. That's why he didn't freak out.

[Brad Williams]

Exactly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Brad Williams]

And then.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, they CGI'd?

[Brad Williams]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The dwarf. As opposed to.

[Brad Williams]

As opposed to paying me? Yes, yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're just one of them called Filthy. Filthy. Stop pitching ideas.

[Brad Williams]

They gave. They gave the paycheck to a guy at Industrial Light and Magic. So I'm glad that they got a regular heighted man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been a whole thing. It was. They announced the film, and then. And then Dinklage goes on Mark Marin's podcast and says, like, I. I don't believe they're going to actually, like, do this thing again and, you know, pay other dwarves. And then that. That's what he does. And then they go, oh, don't worry, we're not. And then they had it. Snow White and the seven magical beings, which just looked like a Hacky Sack circle at Berkeley. It was just like there. And there's one God and there's one dwarf in that group. And then the rest just were all different shapes, sizes, colors, everything else. And then what? And then. Well, that's offensive. So then they went back and just cgi. So I don't know if now Insane Journey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then we're gonna get back to the paper, but I do want to know.

[Brad Williams]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So are you. Are. Are you anti Dinklage?

[Brad Williams]

Oh, I, I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Listen, man, is it a complicated relationship?

[Brad Williams]

I got my problems with Dink. We call him Dan. And. And he. He. He hasn't been to a meeting in forever.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Feels like he feels like a big time.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, is he too big for the meetings now?

[Brad Williams]

Sorry. Too big. Too big for the little people. But I will say this about Dinklage. One. One of the reasons why I have my problems with him is because he's so damn talented and great. And if they made a movie and called it the Brad Williams Story, it would probably be starring Peter Dinklage. Let's be honest. I still wouldn't get that part. We need a Brad Williams type. Let's get Dinkling.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, he had a scene in Game of Thrones that. My wife hates those kind of shows. And I called her and I'm like, no, Just watch the scene. And it was like. Like a tour de force of acting. Like, just incredible.

[Brad Williams]

Was that when he shot his father on the. With a crossbow?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, that might have been it.

[Brad Williams]

That was my favorite scene.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm like, that sets you guys back a long way. Because everyone was like, don't. In front of little people. You know what they're up to.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah, we have crossbows.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you're at their height, they come at you. Yeah, they got crossbows.

[Brad Williams]

It is amazing that my people. We have plenty of stereotypes, but none are actually based in any kind of reality. Like, like, everyone else has stereotypes that are like. I mean, they might be hateful, but at least they're like, possible. Like, that's conceivable. Mine are just like, oh, they forge.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're big frolickers.

[Brad Williams]

I don't forge.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get more than five of them together, they're going to dance around in circles.

[Brad Williams]

Very true. And God help you if there's a maypole. They.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They. They just go down those. Those dogs. All right, Dave, go back to the.

[Brad Williams]

Back to the headlines, back to the paper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, that's very interesting.

[Dave Anthony]

The schools are close together and the students are let out at the same time every day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's a problem. There's a big issue. That's stagger.

[Dave Anthony]

There's the issue.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stagger.

[Dave Anthony]

That's it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stagger.

[Dave Anthony]

If the plan worked, the more young persons would be less or more than human.

[Brad Williams]

Here we go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, are they talking about. Is that. Are that the dwarves? I know.

[Brad Williams]

Human.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Human.

[Brad Williams]

Barely that. Is that what the kids said when they got out of school and saw. And. And saw the opposite sex?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Oh, my God. A human woman, quick.

[Dave Anthony]

It won't. There is only one sure way of stopping the mischief, and that is to abolish the schools. Jesus Christ.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, that's right. That's absolutely.

[Brad Williams]

Solution.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right. Yep. I think we're done pitching. We've got it. Shut them down. Not even one of them. Either one of them. Both have to go.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah, both. You can't, like, say, okay, just let this other one out 20 minutes earlier or later.

[Dave Anthony]

No, no, no.

[Brad Williams]

For anybody.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They both have to go. That's it.

[Brad Williams]

So this is what happens, you know, you. You stare at the opposite sex and now no one gets to learn nothing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. But to the credit of this story, that nobody's fucked since, so.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, that's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I guess it was effective.

[Brad Williams]

Very true.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Brad Williams]

We.

[Dave Anthony]

In this story, we have the setup for an incredible porn.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, we really do. I've definitely seen it. Yeah. So it's definitely one of those ones are like, all right, get her out of the nun outfit. I don't have all day. Come on, now. Busy daddy's got a busy day ahead.

[Brad Williams]

And then I, I. Well, I hope if they do make that porno that they, that they keep it true to the era, you know, in terms of, you know, shaving and whatnot. Oh, tattoos. Yeah. And everything. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you. Yeah. Yes.

[Brad Williams]

You got to be authentic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, yes, absolutely.

[Dave Anthony]

No, I mean, what you're saying is, is that the, the, the ladies going to school to be nuns had gigantic bushes.

[Brad Williams]

That's what I'm trying to say.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The gentleman probably had enormous biceps and tribal tattoos and would make way too much noise for me to continue.

[Brad Williams]

Why is that guy in the 1890s wearing a puka shell? That's how they would do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Trouble has arisen between Germany and the little republic of Haiti. Well, yeah.

[Brad Williams]

I mean, how did they meet?

[Dave Anthony]

Honestly?

[Brad Williams]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Right. I mean, it's got. There can't be any racism here, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

War Tinder.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah. At first I was waiting for you to say Poland and you said Haiti. I'm like, that's a long.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, it has hate in the name. Let's go.

[Brad Williams]

We thought we would get along swimmingly when we saw a country with hate.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Turns out they really want respect, so. Too late.

[Dave Anthony]

It was owing to the arrest by the Haitian police of a man claiming to be a German citizen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

The German minister demanded his release and a payment of $50,000 indemnity. So they wanted. Because he got arrested, they're like, give a bunch of fucking money.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Brad Williams]

Did you arrest a Weitman.

[Gareth Reynolds]

3 here and pass? 50,000?

[Brad Williams]

What kind of fucked up game of Monopoly is this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ye.

[Brad Williams]

Do not pass Haiti, but collect $50,000.

[Dave Anthony]

The man was set free.

[Brad Williams]

50,000.

[Dave Anthony]

50,000 back then. Shitload of money.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, that's an. You know, they're not going to give you that.

[Brad Williams]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're like, that's our gdp.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah. That would be like if, when Brittney Griner got detained, we're like, all right, you got Brittney Griner. You now owe us 3 trillion.

[Gareth Reynolds]

3 trillion. And we want the. And we want her to be allowed to hit the one hitter in jail.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

It's awesome.

[Brad Williams]

That would be the equivalent.

[Dave Anthony]

It's almost. Wait a minute. Am I What? It's almost $2 million.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If that feels way. It feels like way more than that.

[Brad Williams]

Well, for the, for the inconvenience of get. Of getting arrested by the way, no mention if he was actually guilty, I.

[Dave Anthony]

Know he could have been raping and murdering across the Haiti. And they're like, no, stop.

[Brad Williams]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a German guy been bad. Yeah, come on.

[Brad Williams]

That's not the Germany I know and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Love, by the way. That is. That is like the most trodden thing. It's just like stand ups, comedians. Whenever Germany comes up, we're like, guess what I'm thinking about? And the German people are genuine. Like one time, let it go. But that one, real bad. Real bad, you guys, forever. It's the trope.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like you even talk to German people at a show, they're like, well, from Germany, you know, they're like, oh, get ready.

[Brad Williams]

I, I'm. I imagine Germans are just sitting there. Like, there have been other times, other countries have done similar things.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I don't hear this. Yeah, America, you're doing. You actively do many enough. Germany. Yeah, here's you guys, you, uniforms, a whole thing with you.

[Dave Anthony]

The man was set free, but Hades unwilling to pay, Germany threatened to send a cruiser to press her claim. At the remonstrance of our government, she abandoned her purpose.

[Brad Williams]

Well, mostly because it would have taken about eight months for the cruiser to get there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Dave Anthony]

And then everyone's like, why are you here again?

[Brad Williams]

Why are you here? Oh, the money. Oh, that guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, well, tell them.

[Brad Williams]

Go back and tell them no.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. And then come back, Let us know what they say.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah, yeah. My.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My life, My life.

[Brad Williams]

That is. That is. We threatened to send a cruiser because you arrested a man. And we said nine, but it would.

[Dave Anthony]

Be amazing if they were just sending a gay dude to cruise.

[Brad Williams]

Oh, that would be great. Yeah. He's like, yeah. Now, is this, Is this a gay German? Because that's. I don't know if I have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know if I'm allowed. It's all I want to do, but I don't think I can do it. But you know what? It's like, there's like techno and he's. It doesn't matter if we get to shore. Like, this guy's really not focused at all. I mean, he's really packed the boat.

[Brad Williams]

Wait, so you need me to go on another voyage?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Brad Williams]

I'm, I'm. And, And I'm bringing my monkey.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God, he has a monkey? A German guy with a monkey?

[Brad Williams]

Yeah, all Germans have monkeys. At least the ones I know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ah.

[Brad Williams]

It'S so weird, Gareth. We're both doing the same thing. We're Trying to do a head thing to help us get the accent.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I, I, I, I don't, I don't want to do it, but the comedy zombie inside me is really fighting through and. Yeah, it is. It's just, it's like, it's so hacky. It's taking over my body.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah. I have to feel the darud.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's boot.

[Dave Anthony]

The, the diabolical assassination of William Terrace, the distinguished British actor, by a worthless crank with a homicidal mania.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. Now, let me ask you, this is going to be slanted reporting in any way?

[Brad Williams]

Like, they're really taking aside here.

[Dave Anthony]

No bias.

[Brad Williams]

Pro actor, very proactor in Colorado brings.

[Dave Anthony]

Up before us again, and in a most urgent form, the question of dealing with this class of pests. What is assassins?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, well, I'm sure it's the poor, but it is funny to just be like, yeah, I don't know. I'm starting to not trust the assassin now.

[Brad Williams]

The fact that they called them pests just makes me think of like, like, like a, like Trump getting shot, but then like slapping his shoulder like it's a fly. Like these darn assassins. They're everywhere. They're everywhere.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Light a torch. They're coming.

[Brad Williams]

Someone lighted torch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Someone light a torch. I got bit again.

[Dave Anthony]

Don't you get upgraded from Pest if you actually successfully do the assassination.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah. I haven't heard of a cockroach just taking someone out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brad Williams]

Honestly, you know, so I, Yeah, I get, I, I'd give an old upgrade, these tests. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, they were probably like, when he was done dying, they were probably like, unbelievable.

[Dave Anthony]

Wow.

[Brad Williams]

Well done.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, look at the blood. How'd he do?

[Brad Williams]

Such commitment.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look, his heart's all over the floor. He did leave it all out there once again.

[Brad Williams]

Hey, you, you know, you know, Christian Bale would read this story and be like, I can play that actor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can get, Then get interviewed. Yeah.

[Brad Williams]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, he was like a regular guy, you know, and he fought about it. What?

[Brad Williams]

I want to see that movie. Let's go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

There's no law for punishing or even locking up a crank, no matter how dangerous he may notoriously.

[Brad Williams]

B.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What the.

[Dave Anthony]

There's no.

[Brad Williams]

So is, is crank, like, a slang that I'm not familiar with? Because, well.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What, Aren't you just going to plead crank?

[Dave Anthony]

I feel like, I feel like, lock me up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, unfortunately, he's a crank. Oh, well, what are we going to do? He's a crank, you heard. All right.

[Dave Anthony]

He can do what he wants out here. You know, he's a crank.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let him go, boys. We didn't realize he suffered from crank.

[Brad Williams]

So was like crank, the equivalent back in the day to diplomatic immunity? Like the same?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's. It's. It's insane. It's the insanity plea.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This was a. I'm a crank.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

I think they mean, like, like mentally unstable kind of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, right. They must.

[Brad Williams]

It sounds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure. But by the way, anyone who's saying an actor's nuts is a stable minded human. But also, this is crank on crank.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, but also, they did lock up people who had mental issues all the time. Like drama. W. Who gives a. Like that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Maybe they just mean like dicks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

See, if solitary makes him go normal.

[Dave Anthony]

Justice waits until he commits murder and then offers to society the beggarly reparation of the gallows. The peril is one which the individual must meet for himself. Government avenges him only after he has been slain and his family desolated.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's. Yeah, well, that's super helpful.

[Dave Anthony]

Part of being American.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's.

[Dave Anthony]

This is America.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That actually sounds very Government. Once he's dead, we're going to step in. That's when they will have crossed the line as far as we're concerned.

[Brad Williams]

But until then.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Until then, let the process play out as it does.

[Brad Williams]

We'll see what happens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's called a human shutdown. Come in at the 11th hour.

[Brad Williams]

I was trying to Google the term crank, and all I get is drug references and a preview to a. To a. To a Jason Statham movie. That's it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Which is, by the way, even for Jason Statham, a movie where you're like, well, this is crazy.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah, I was. Yeah. Because. Because I think that's the film where he. It's like speed, but on his heart rate. Is that what he's gotta do? Where he's like, heart rate. Yeah, above.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And there's like a scene where he's like, in some scene. And he's like. He's got like a battery on his chest. It's just like Jason Statham. After that he took a year off. He's like, I've got to figure out what I'm doing. He looked in the mirror and he goes, who am I?

[Brad Williams]

How. How was he doing interviews for that movie where it's like when you knew you had to bang to get your heart.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. All right.

[Brad Williams]

To keep the bomb from going off in your chest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, there's a lot of times I thought about Michael Caine. Really he was a bit like. He was an inspo. What would he do?

[Dave Anthony]

It would be amazing to see like a real, like Patrick Stewart in that or something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

When you were in crank mid six, the bum was about to go off inside your body. Yeah, that's right.

[Brad Williams]

Oh, you know, when I was. When I was going off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Brad Williams]

I was really thinking about Stanislavski.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I was using the Stanislaus do a bit Meisner. I was thinking, you know, I was thinking, well, what if I had a bum in my chest and I was trying to have, like, doggy style.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Interesting.

[Brad Williams]

It was actually Ibsen that first introduced the concept.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know if you've seen craps last tape, but, you know, it's Chekhov who said it best, which was just keep pounding and don't worry about the bum in your chest.

[Brad Williams]

I love. I love how your statement goes from Statham to Kane back to State.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not good.

[Brad Williams]

That's right. Because, you know, this sounds exactly like Jason Statham.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I believe it was the Cherry Orchard.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah. I have been in 9000 fast and furious movies. I would love it if Michael Caine was in one. The, like, whatever. Next Fast and Furious film. That's right. It's all about family.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's slow down a little bit. There are speed limits out here for a reason.

[Dave Anthony]

Perfect.

[Brad Williams]

See, that's just a more fun impression to do. Yeah, Stadium's just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stadium. Just down here, you know, breathy.

[Brad Williams]

It's not fun at all.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not fun.

[Brad Williams]

But in Michael K, you just sound like Michael. Kind sounds like you're tuning an old radio.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Brad, I think the last episode we did Michael Caine impression.

[Dave Anthony]

Is that true?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Serves.

[Brad Williams]

I. I hope so. I try. It's my calling card. Every.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a them theme. I'm fine with it being a theme.

[Brad Williams]

I'm okay with it too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree. It was a stick because I took us there.

[Dave Anthony]

I wanna. I feel like you also started out. Didn't you also start out with Christian Bale and he also sounded like Jason State.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but then Christian Bale.

[Brad Williams]

So is Michael Kane a sir? Are we doing him a disservice by not?

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's a sir. He's knighted. Well, you know what? I have a great moment. Mom, is Michael Caine knighted?

[Brad Williams]

He's got it.

[Dave Anthony]

By the way, that's not his mother. He just has an English woman he keeps in the corner and she answers this question.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, confirmed.

[Brad Williams]

All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, no, not confirmed. Not 100%, but as close as we can get to. As close as we can get to the crown.

[Brad Williams]

Listen, I didn't act my ass off in so many movies for you not to call me sir and disrespect me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like that during the ceremony. I thought the queen was about to stab me.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, he. He was knighted in 2000.

[Brad Williams]

He was knighted.

[Dave Anthony]

He was. He was given.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He was the Dark Knight.

[Dave Anthony]

He was given the title of Sir Maurice Micklewhite.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, you know what? The show's over, and there'll be no arguments. This episode's done.

[Brad Williams]

Sir Maurice Micklewhite.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I didn't know you got to come up with your weird. I. That's awesome.

[Brad Williams]

I mean, well, what was his inspiration for that name? A villain and Clue.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, they were just like. And what do you want to be knighted under? You get to pick a name. I'll be the honorable Nigel Ponsby. Okay.

[Brad Williams]

Like, I feel like you can do Eddie Izzard's Engelbert Humperdinck bit to this name, and it still works.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, right? Yeah, right.

[Brad Williams]

Maurice Manichezit. No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Brad Williams]

Binglebert Bambi back. No. What's his name again? I already forgot it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a flip Tangerment. All right, we should keep going.

[Dave Anthony]

That's his dad's name.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, no, it isn't, but. All right, real quick, while we're name dropping, have you ever seen Leonardo DiCaprio's dad?

[Dave Anthony]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is it insane? And I. And I. And I, like. However, I stumbled upon the information of what Leonardo DiCaprio's dad looks like. I was like, holy, this is wild. Then I'm at a farmer's market, and I'm like, oh, my God, Leonardo DiCaprio's dad. And I was like, oh, my God. So I was like, kind of, like, followed him to, like, two stands just to be like, wow, look at him holding persimmons. Just like one of us regs.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God, he looks like. He looks like the guy from the room.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. He looks like a disguise. Yes. Yeah, he looks like he's been witness protectioned.

[Brad Williams]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

What the happened there?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know.

[Brad Williams]

It sounds like if you're Leo's dad, doesn't sound like you want to be witness protection at all. You want to be out there saying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, dude, it's he complete. He needs to be queer eyed more than anyone I've ever. Like, they would just be like, cut your hair. It's weird, straggly and dark. Take off your glasses that look like they're for a foot doctor.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, he said he does. He did underground comic Comic books and so there you go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, there you go. It looks like he did him underground. Yeah. He was just walking around. I was like, I bet he doesn't get stopped all the time. I should ask for a picture. I'm a huge fan. You sound crazy.

[Brad Williams]

Oh, oh. Of my son. No, no, no, no.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of the balls that made him. The balls that made him have your balls, sir.

[Brad Williams]

Can I cup them?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Please, man, let's. Let's do one. Goofy faces where I hold your balls.

[Brad Williams]

This. This is where Leo once lived.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. Leo's first apartment till you evicted him.

[Brad Williams]

Until he evicted him.

[Dave Anthony]

A shortcut to notoriety has been affected by a woman of Paris who contributed and collected 10,000 francs toward the Guy de Malpasa monument recently unveiled in the park Monco. On the conditions that her own portrait to be introduced.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No clue what just happened.

[Brad Williams]

I'm not the only one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, she. She thwarted someone's.

[Dave Anthony]

She paid likely journey for a monument to be put up in a park relatable. But her only stipulation was that they would also put up a portrait of her.

[Brad Williams]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah. I mean, this is.

[Brad Williams]

Who paid for this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Brad Williams]

That'S all that is. This is who paid for this, by the way. Beautiful.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That doesn't seem crazy to me.

[Dave Anthony]

It seems crazy to me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, if I was in the park and there was just like a statue and then right next to it was just like a picture of, like, some rich guy, like.

[Brad Williams]

Yep, you're welcome.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. With a you're welcome talk bubble.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, that's Paul Revere. And then that's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's Brad Copeland. He's the one who paid for all this. He. He just wanted a little bust of his self made coming out of the horse.

[Brad Williams]

Hey, man, I mean, you go to any park bench, it has dedicated.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's what I mean.

[Dave Anthony]

But it's a name, not a picture.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, well, I think they're doing themselves a disservice. And I think if you provide enough stuff, you should be like, I want a comic strip of me donating it.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's highly unorthodox. Be like, do you want it or not? Yeah, it's like $200,000. I'm just asking you to frame a picture.

[Dave Anthony]

I actually don't want it because I'm.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dressed like a tennis player from the 80s. And then little talk bubble, it says, you. I. You suck. I rule.

[Brad Williams]

All right.

[Dave Anthony]

The ludicrous result. The figure of a fashion ludicrous was alive back then. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Brad Williams]

Sorry.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You had to.

[Brad Williams]

You had to so bad. So bad Move.

[Dave Anthony]

The politicous result. The figure of a fashionably dressed woman reclining in a long chair at the foot of the bust of the poet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is right.

[Dave Anthony]

Is characterized by a writer in a lot of newspaper as an advertisement in marble for some leading dressmaker. Human vanity takes forms. And some persons chose to bask in the world's gaze, even at the expense of self respect.

[Brad Williams]

I mean, people spoke better back then.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, It's a lot of words to be like, the nerve. This is. It's. It's branding. This is Trumpy. Shit.

[Dave Anthony]

It is Trump.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's like, I deserve credit.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah, we. But then I feel like we would give it to him if he spoke like that. But now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, right.

[Brad Williams]

Evolved from that language to I have the best words. Kofiki. Like. Like, that's where we are. It went from that headline that was almost a soliloquy to this, which is best words. Absolute best words. No one has. No one has better words.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Big dick. Well, it's just. They're gonna be starting. They're gonna put, like, Robert E. Lee, like, statues back up, and he's gonna be like. And my only request is, instead of a horse's head, it's mine. They're like, sir, that's super crazy. Doesn't sound wild to me. Or I'm on the back holding his hips. Can you.

[Brad Williams]

Can you carve me onto the horse?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whispering sweet nothings, make me a centaur. And I was carrying him to a battle that he would subsequently win. Yeah, sir.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah. So it's like history repeats itself, only we're getting dumber. Yes, absolutely.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, okay, I. I think I'm on her side. I really am.

[Dave Anthony]

Slavery of the ocean.

[Brad Williams]

Oh, boy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's. Yep. Let's. Let's hear a little more before the jokes go flying.

[Brad Williams]

Okay. Let's see what side I want to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Be on on this reading punchline pitcher.

[Dave Anthony]

The steamer Lambert's Point, Captain Humphrey, which has been lying here for some days since she arrived with her cotton cargo on fire.

[Brad Williams]

What? I mean, a lot. A lot going on here. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I was very.

[Dave Anthony]

I was. I was very plain with what I said as straightforward. So a ship, the Lambert's Point, arrived with cotton on fire and has been sitting there. Been sitting there for a few days.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How did you guys want it delivered?

[Dave Anthony]

You didn't say what shape it was supposed to.

[Brad Williams]

Not on fire here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It says blaze. Someone's got a side for it because we're not taking it back.

[Dave Anthony]

All right, it sailed.

[Brad Williams]

You can still do something with It.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Use for the on fire cotton.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's still good.

[Dave Anthony]

Sailed for Liverpool today with the deck load of cotton. Still a fire.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cool. So that, that captain was like, look, let's just go. Let's finish the job.

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, can we unload this cotton that's on fire? No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, when we get to Liverpool.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah, over there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Once the job's done.

[Brad Williams]

Hey, how long does cotton burn? I wasn't aware.

[Dave Anthony]

I don't know.

[Brad Williams]

I thought it was pretty much faster.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Than the boat ride to Liverpool. Oh, come on. Fast.

[Dave Anthony]

It's all packed in. It's all. If it's together, it's going to burn slow. If it's packed really packed in, it's.

[Brad Williams]

Going to burn out of cotton instead of wax.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We definitely shouldn't be finishing the delivery while it's blank.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, if it's burning okay, I have a. Let's just. So a guy drops his watch and it goes to the bottom of the cotton and then he goes down into the cotton to get it and he can't find it. So he lights a match.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's happening?

[Dave Anthony]

He lights a match. So the cotton starts burning at the bottom. So you gotta. How are you gonna unload that? How are you gonna. What are you gonna do at the bottom?

[Brad Williams]

I feel like that was an SAT question. If a man lights a match inside a cotton ball.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You just pitched such a garbage version of Titanic.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm sorry, did I pitch a James Bond? Apologies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Leo's dad, Titanic, he's just painting a dog penis. And they're like, sir, Sir.

[Brad Williams]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Love is love. Mr. DiCaprio, get off the boat.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, oh. Here you go. The crew refused to sail until compelled by the police.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, what the. The cops are here. They.

[Brad Williams]

They say go. Yeah, the cops get on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, the police are here and they say you gotta still go with the fire cot.

[Dave Anthony]

We might die. It's on fire if it.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah, you're surrounded by water. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, but the boat. Safest. Safest place to be is to be.

[Brad Williams]

Gone from the ocean.

[Dave Anthony]

Will go out, but so will we.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know what you want us to say. The cops who are the uniform dads came here and they say you're going. So I feel like you guys don't.

[Dave Anthony]

Understand boats and people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, buddy, it is like 1880 or some. Nobody knows anything. I got leeches on my neck because I had a cough. Now get the out of here.

[Dave Anthony]

If the fire becomes serious, it is intended to jettison the cotton. So there you go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So we do have a predictor.

[Dave Anthony]

So if it gets over certain fire.

[Brad Williams]

At one point does the thing on fire. Do they go, yeah, it's probably a lot on fire now it's too much on fire.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, sir, I just came from the cotton deck and you're not gonna believe this. More cotton's burning than there was before.

[Dave Anthony]

Were you on the cotton deck or the fire deck?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it's becoming a bit of boost. The cotton is more on fire than when we left.

[Dave Anthony]

But it's still. There's still cotton, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, we're good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's just more fire.

[Brad Williams]

It was a mistake to put the cotton deck so close to the fire deck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, in retrospect, that's one we'll be noodling for a while.

[Dave Anthony]

We also probably should have let Bobby down there to look for his watch in a match.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think that happened. I really. I don't think you stop getting involved in the conversation of grown ups over here. We're all having a real conversation. And you're Leonard Nardo DiCaprio's dad. Probably.

[Dave Anthony]

Horse swallowed whip.

[Brad Williams]

Wow, wow. Dog bites. That'll teach situation.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that'll. That'll teach you. That's the day where you're like, well, I don't know if I have any moves.

[Brad Williams]

I whipped the horse to make him go faster. He swallowed the whip?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Now he's in the house watching TV.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I'm out there getting rid of by the boys. Stop it.

[Dave Anthony]

That a stout buggy whip four feet and a half long could remain in a horse's stomach for over two years and the horse survive. Seems implausible, impossible. But just this thing happened to a valuable animal owned by Allen Eagle near Carbondale, Illinois, which died a few days ago.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So the horse died from.

[Brad Williams]

With.

[Dave Anthony]

I wonder what was wrong with him. No, he could have died from anything. Really.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Really. I don't know what got him. I mean, he did spaghetti, the whip. But other than that, we're all baffled.

[Brad Williams]

I just, I'm. I love the fact that this is not. That this is national news. What? Not even local. This was away.

[Dave Anthony]

I think this would be national news today.

[Brad Williams]

If a horse died. If he ate a whip.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think it would be.

[Dave Anthony]

I think if. If a horse ate a whip and it was in there for a while.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They'D be like, democracy dies in darkness. Also, this horse ate a riding crop.

[Brad Williams]

I mean, maybe if, like, if whip is like the congressman who whips up the votes. Yeah, I could see that being a national headline.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Honestly, the only way it would hit the News. And I don't mean to keep going to this well, but this feels like a story Trump would talk about.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it does.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It feels like the Hannibal Lecter. Yeah. If the windmill's causing cancer. I mean, under Joe Biden, horses are eating whips and they're dying. Two years later. I met with five farmers the other day. Their horses have never been more dead from whip. They're whip dead. Okay.

[Brad Williams]

As your president, horses will cease to eat whips. I was not feed them whips. Does not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're done with that. They're eating. Hey, God damn it. They're only in Elon. Only. Hey. Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

A veterinarian held a post mortem examination as to what caused the horse's death. And it was the way found protruding from the stomach.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, I don't even need to cut into the horse. I heard the whip thing.

[Dave Anthony]

They're saying. I think they're saying that they didn't know he had eaten the whip until they did the exam.

[Brad Williams]

Okay, okay. Imagine their surprise.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, this is opening.

[Dave Anthony]

Look at that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Holy cow. Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, that's where that went.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Doctor, his penis was inside him the whole time.

[Dave Anthony]

What?

[Brad Williams]

Sir, that was a whip. We found a whip.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did you know that horses have an in and out penis?

[Brad Williams]

This one had an innie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This one had an innie. Boy, that's. What a sad life to keep something like this backstage the whole time. Because I'll tell you, it's a banger with a handle. Wow, this is a real bummer.

[Dave Anthony]

Mr. Eagle in October 1895, used a six foot buggy whip to punch an obstruction down the horse's throat, putting a horseshoe. Horseshoe in the animal's mouth to keep it open. So he's just doing horse doctor stuff.

[Brad Williams]

So he's jamming the butt end of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The whip to try to help it.

[Dave Anthony]

Punch an obstruction down the horse's throat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What? But that. Okay, was he trying to cause one or trying to get.

[Dave Anthony]

So he's the horse to try to knock a thing down. And he's like, oh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He probably was looking for it for five months after. He's like, where did I put that? They cut him open. He goes, that makes sense.

[Brad Williams]

Ah, that. Now it all checks out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There was an obstruction in there. The horseshoe before the wind.

[Dave Anthony]

The horseshoe fell out and the horse bit off the whip, swallowing the long end with no bad effects. Until a short time ago when the beast was sick and died.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No bad effects. Says the person who probably never checked on the horse.

[Dave Anthony]

After swallowing the whip, the horse worked every day and ate three meals A day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, I didn't, I didn't realize they were on our breakfast, lunch, dinner cycle either.

[Brad Williams]

That's what you're getting from this one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, well, I mean, I'm flagging a few things, to be honest with you, but, yeah, that's among them. Part of this balance breakfast.

[Brad Williams]

I just imagine him getting caught ramming the, the button of the whip down a horse's throat and he's like, no, no, no, I'm trying to save it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It. Don't worry, I think I saved it. It just ate a whip and coughed up a shoe. It'll probably be okay. Anyway, it's time for the horse's brunch.

[Brad Williams]

I'm glad. I, I, I, I'm glad we live in the time that we live in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. No, when horses are treated with respect and not killed at racetracks and things.

[Brad Williams]

Exactly. So that, that statement coming from the man who's dressed like a lawn jockey. Look at this hat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, yeah, you do have a Chipotle.

[Brad Williams]

There's a riding crop somewhere in this office.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's in you. You ate it, Brad. Remember? You were joking.

[Brad Williams]

Hold on. Punch my esophagus while using a long.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you know how to do the Heimlich.

[Brad Williams]

Take my.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Put your arm in me.

[Brad Williams]

Oh, well, here comes that. Here comes that gay German from earlier. Did someone say, hi, Mick?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Huh?

[Dave Anthony]

Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Huh? Oh, no. The boat has a cotton fire.

[Dave Anthony]

I wish we still did the horseshoe thing, though. Like, that'd be amazing if that, if that stuck around and we just were putting horseshoes and things. Mouths. To try to stop choking. Now get your hand in there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, this guy was like anti. MacGyver. We'll use this horseshoe. A whip in my hand to save its life. MacGyver. Maybe do another thing. There's a bunch of. You have actual tools here.

[Brad Williams]

No, no. Punch the horse's throat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're gonna punch the horse's throat with a whip. And I'll put the shoe in its mouth. The dentist had opened. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Stomach taken out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That. Is this, Is this a follow up?

[Dave Anthony]

There's a different story.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nice.

[Dave Anthony]

Beck failed to live without a stomach.

[Brad Williams]

Somehow. News. Someone should have seen that coming.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, that's your.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What got him, Doc?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, we removed his mouth and that was it for him. After the op, after the operation by which his stomach was removed, he recovered from the shock, but he was very weak and was found impossible to inject enough nourishment to keep him alive. He died.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Plan. I think this was done once and it was to this guy.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, they're like. Well, that was a. We were. What were we thinking?

[Brad Williams]

Way, way off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, guys, let's go. Let's tell his family the truth. That was some really dumb stuff.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah, well, he. He came in and. And said he had a stomachache, so we removed his stomach, took it all out. Thinking that would help.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Then he had a digestive issue. So. Yeah, the plan. So what we're gonna do is take your stomach.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Brad Williams]

And the guy's just sitting there like, well, you guys are the doctors.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're the best. You're the best in town. And that's what's awesome about you guys.

[Brad Williams]

This is. Well, you know, we removed his stomach and found out. Well, that's pretty important next time.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, you really need that, it turns out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

I thought it was like the appendix. Just a thing that you don't really use.

[Brad Williams]

Like, you're like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, first of all, the appendix is everything, so I don't know what you're talking.

[Dave Anthony]

Sorry, My bad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah, we put leeches on the stomach, and that didn't help.

[Dave Anthony]

That didn't do anything. You know, we tried to put his.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Head in the stomach towards the end to make it look like it was kind of a space helmet. That didn't work.

[Dave Anthony]

I thought you could just take the head off, put an apple there. But it doesn't work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, not yet. We're learning a lot of these medical lessons. The heart. We're in what we call our learning phase. The stomach is needed.

[Brad Williams]

Yes. Vital.

[Dave Anthony]

All right, last one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, here we go.

[Dave Anthony]

Sydney Tate, a young attorney came in with the mail stage from Lamar last evening to see this place with a view to locating for the practice of law. So there's a possible lawyer coming to town, which is exciting because it's Springfield. They probably don't have a lot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think the stomach guy needs it. They don't have a case. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

He was not favorably impressed and went back this morning.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ah.

[Brad Williams]

What?

[Dave Anthony]

They're basically saying the town is like, this guy came and he's like, I could be a lawyer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The lawyer was like. Just legally.

[Brad Williams]

Imagine a lawyer walking into a town so bad where they went, well, this is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Everyone's, like, getting ready, like, the lawyer's coming to town. Put your Sunday's best on, Grace.

[Dave Anthony]

I can't wait to sue you, friend.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now be quiet. Everything's gonna be a little different once the lawyer comes to town. Act your part, Sheriff. Your badge isn't as shiny as it could be. Well, God damn it, Martha. Spit on it. Shine it the Lawyer's coming to town. The lawyer will be here tomorrow. Now from the top, let's all sing. Remember the song. All right. And then I'll approach him. Him. Well, lawyer I think I'm gonna find this town is perfect for. Lord, you guys didn't hear? He took one look and turned around that sack of the. Are you talking about. And they were in rehearsal for three weeks.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, I gave him.

[Brad Williams]

I gave him hating lawyers.

[Dave Anthony]

I gave him a basket with a stomach and that whip in it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I mean, I'd say we should sue him, but we have no clue how.

[Brad Williams]

Invite him back so we could figure out how to sue him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, places. One more time. Place.

[Brad Williams]

I just love that someone with someone with a particular industry, some of the particular job comes to town. It's like, well, this is cause for celebration.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, let's be honest, Brad, in your time of being a stand up.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's more than five to six times when you've arrived to a city you've probably never been to and been like, I'd love a U turn option.

[Dave Anthony]

Yep.

[Brad Williams]

Wait a minute. I will not have you desecrate the good people of Shreveport, Louisiana. I swear.

[Dave Anthony]

I was thinking El Paso.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's certain ones where you're like, jesus Christ, why?

[Dave Anthony]

Why did you do it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Someone opened a comedy club.

[Brad Williams]

El Paso is still the punchline to one of my favorite jokes of all time. And it's a Johnny Carson joke. It's a. It's a carnac. Where the answer is El Paso. And the question is, what does the quarterback do when he can't El Reno or El Punto?

[Dave Anthony]

When I worked in El Paso, I went into the. The. I never met Dennis Regan. I went into the comedy Condo and I just walked in. He goes, well, what happened to your career? El Paso?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Regan.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Brian Regan's brother.

[Brad Williams]

I don't think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay. I do know him. That's a shame. He's doing well, though. He's funny, but. Brian Reagan. Holy shit. Well, Brad. Bradwilliamscomedy.com thank you for coming back. Thank your wife for listening to this and being reminded that you're in the comedy business. Yeah. Even though selling out theaters should remind her.

[Brad Williams]

Can we give her some promo codes for some sponsors?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, absolutely. Just have her go to Helix and use promo code squarespace and. And have it delivered to Rocket Money.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And that should work out pretty good for her. So just let her know.

[Brad Williams]

Amazing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, Brett, thank you as always.

[Brad Williams]

Hey, guys. Always a pleasure to talk to you. Always a pleasure to go through the past? And see that we? We've come a long way now?

[Gareth Reynolds]

And yet? And yet, and yet.

[Brad Williams]

Now I. I believe my dog might be choking on something. I'm gonna go grab his leash and.

[Dave Anthony]

Shove it down his throat. Yeah, yeah, that's how you do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Put a little burning cotton up the ass. Just to be safe.

[Brad Williams]

Why.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Purina. Thanks, Brad.

[Brad Williams]

Of course, guys. Thank you.

[Dave Anthony]

See you, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Some of these days? You'll miss me, honey? Some of these days? Oh. Hey, doll heads. This is Gareth, part of the Gare Force. Listen, you're part of the Gareth force. Go to garethreynolds.com if you want to see me on the road doing standup, you could find me in Brea, California. February 7, Eureka, California, for two shows. February 11 at Savage Henry, San Francisco. February 12, Sacramento. February 13. Then I'll be in Naples, Florida. March 24, Charlotte. April 13, Raleigh, North Carolina. April 14. April 15, I'll be in Virginia Beach. April 16, I'll be in Richmond, Virginia. Then I will be in Lutherville, Timonium, which is close to Baltimore, I believe, at Magoobie's Joke House. April 17 through April 19. Then I will be in Winnipeg May 29 through May 31. Go to garethreynolds.com for tickets and information.