118 - The Past Times with Matt Lieb

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - Episode 118: "The Past Times with Matt Lieb"

Release Date: March 28, 2025
Hosts: Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds
Guest: Matt Lieb
Published by: All Things Comedy

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1. Introduction to the Episode

In Episode 118 of The Dollop, titled "The Past Times with Matt Lieb," hosts Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds welcome comedian Matt Lieb to delve into a historical event through the lens of humor and absurdity. The episode maintains the show's signature style of blending historical facts with comedic improvisation, ensuring an engaging experience for both seasoned listeners and newcomers.

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2. Meet the Guest: Matt Lieb

The episode kicks off with Gareth Reynolds introducing Matt Lieb, who brings a plethora of podcasts to the table. The trio engages in lighthearted banter about Matt's extensive podcasting endeavors, highlighting his ventures such as:

• Bad Has Bar: "The world's most moral podcast," where Matt and co-host Daniel Mate humorously discuss Israeli propaganda.

• Pod Yourself a Gun: Initially a Sopranos rewatch podcast that evolved to cover shows like The Wire and Mad Men. This segment features an amusing interaction involving Leigh’s father, Gareth Reynolds, and counts as a "season one finale" of the discussion.

• Free with Ads: A movie watch podcast where Matt collaborates with Emily Fleming and Jordan Morris to review free movies found online.

Matt Lieb [02:44]: "I'm kind of on it. We're hanging out together."

The conversation underscores Matt's active presence in the podcasting world, much to the amusement of the hosts.

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3. The Main Event: Analyzing 1891 Newspaper Headlines

Gareth Reynolds introduces the core segment of the episode: dissecting an old newspaper from March 12, 1891. The trio embarks on transforming mundane or bizarre headlines into comedic gold.

3.1. Kicking Off the News

Starting with the headline:

Dave Anthony [15:48]: "The Cars killed three head of horses Tuesday above town."

The team humorously interprets the line, navigating grammatical ambiguities and the absurdity of cars harming horses in 1891. This sets the tone for the episode, blending historical context with witty repartee.

3.2. Horse Deaths and Mechanic Humor

As they delve deeper, the conversation turns to the repercussions of such events:

Gareth Reynolds [17:34]: "Don't go that fast."

They joke about modifying horses into mechanical steers, blending old-world transportation with modern mechanical fixes. The interplay between Gareth and Matt amplifies the humor, especially when discussing the feasibility of such modifications.

3.3. The Struggles of Horsemen

Another headline leads them to discuss:

Dave Anthony [19:55]: "Fordyce, a sheep buyer, and Ormsby, another sheep buyer, are in the county buying mutton on foot for the summer's drive."

The hosts explore the mundane yet funny aspects of herding and sheep buying, highlighting the daily lives of individuals in the late 19th century with a comedic twist.

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4. Comedic Riffs and Impressions

A significant portion of the episode revolves around improvisational humor, with Matt attempting impressions and dramatizations inspired by the headlines.

4.1. Blood Diamond Parody

Matt's impersonation of Leonardo DiCaprio's character from Blood Diamond becomes a focal point:

Matt Lieb [12:28]: "He's doing an accent to Commander Zero, who is an African, and he's a white South African."

Despite initial hiccups, the impression evolves into a running joke, with Gareth and Dave playfully critiquing and collaborating on enhancing the skit.

Gareth Reynolds [22:12]: "He's in character. He's so meta."

The trio's chemistry shines as they navigate the nuances of the parody, blending historical references with contemporary comedic styles.

4.2. Imaginary Scenarios and Skits

The hosts create fictional scenarios based on the headlines, such as:

• Space Docking Mishaps: Imagining early space technology in 1891, leading to absurd inventions and mishaps.

• Fight Club with the Elderly: A humorous take on age and strength, referencing cultural icons like Andy Kaufman.

Gareth Reynolds [27:20]: "He's gonna take a dive and he and a 90-year-old are going to split the money."

These segments showcase the hosts' ability to extrapolate from simple headlines to elaborate comedic narratives.

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5. Interactive Segments and Audience Engagement

Throughout the episode, Dave, Gareth, and Matt engage in playful interactions, mimicking podcasting elements such as sound effects and live improvisations.

5.1. Soundboard Shenanigans

Matt incorporates a soundboard to enhance his skits, leading to moments of spontaneous humor.

Matt Lieb [60:07]: "I forgot I had a soundboard on, on my travel recorder."

The improvisational nature keeps the energy high, with the hosts reacting in real-time to Matt's creative inputs.

5.2. Audience Participation Prompts

Gareth encourages listeners to engage by promoting their animated episodes and partnerships.

Gareth Reynolds [71:07]: "Hey, Dollop fans. ... We have partnered with Lakeside Animation."

This segment bridges the gap between the podcast and its animated counterparts, fostering a multi-platform presence.

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6. Closing Remarks and Promotions

As the episode nears its end, the hosts shift focus to promotional content, ensuring that listeners are informed about upcoming events and where to follow the guests.

6.1. Matt's Stand-Up Comedy Promotion

Matt Lieb announces his upcoming stand-up event:

Matt Lieb [69:38]: "If you like me and my wife Francesca Fiorentini, ... We're gonna be co-headlining Cobbs in San Francisco on May 7th."

This plugs his live performances, urging listeners in the San Francisco area to attend.

6.2. Blue Sky Social Platforms

Promotion of social media engagements and partnerships highlights the hosts' efforts to maintain a robust online presence.

Matt Lieb [69:38]: "You can follow me over on Instagram at lebjokes ... and I'm on Blue Sky."

Gareth extends the promotion to their animated content, encouraging listeners to support their ventures.

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7. Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Matt Lieb [02:44]: "I'm kind of on it. We're hanging out together."

• Dave Anthony [15:48]: "The Cars killed three head of horses Tuesday above town."

• Gareth Reynolds [17:34]: "Don't go that fast."

• Matt Lieb [12:28]: "He's doing an accent to Commander Zero, who is an African, and he's a white South African."

• Gareth Reynolds [22:12]: "He's in character. He's so meta."

• Dave Anthony [19:55]: "Fordyce, a sheep buyer, and Ormsby, another sheep buyer, are in the county buying mutton on foot for the summer's drive."

• Matt Lieb [60:07]: "I forgot I had a soundboard on, on my travel recorder."

• Gareth Reynolds [71:07]: "Hey, Dollop fans. ... We have partnered with Lakeside Animation."

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8. Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Episode 118 of The Dollop exemplifies the show's blend of historical exploration and comedic improvisation. With Matt Lieb's vibrant presence and the hosts' effortless chemistry, listeners are treated to a delightful journey through past newspaper oddities, enriched with playful skits and sharp humor. The episode not only entertains but also invites audiences to engage further through live events and animated content, solidifying The Dollop's place in the comedy podcast landscape.

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Follow Matt Lieb:

• Instagram: @lebjokes
• Twitter/X: @mattlieb
• Stand-Up Event: Cobbs Comedy Club, San Francisco on May 7th
• Podcasts: Available on Blue Sky and other platforms

Stay Connected with The Dollop:

• Animated Episodes: Visit Lakeside Animation on YouTube
• Social Media: Follow The Dollop for updates and behind-the-scenes content

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Note: This summary captures the essence of Episode 118, focusing on key discussions, humorous exchanges, and promotional segments, ensuring a comprehensive overview for those who haven't listened to the episode.

Transcript

[Dave Anthony]

The dollop is brought to you by Hularius Stand up Comedy now on Hulu. Hey, everybody, you know Hulu, right? Yes, it's the streaming service Hulu. What other Hulu is there? Well, Hulu has a bunch of new stand up specials that are not just funny, they're hoo larious. Because they're Hulu and the specials are hilarious.

[Matt Lieb]

I get it.

[Dave Anthony]

You get it, right? Yeah, very funny, Hulu. Anyway, they're launching new exclusive standup specials from awesome comedians like Jim Gaffigan, Lida glazier, Roy Wood Jr. Bill Burr, Chris DiStefano, Jessica Kirsten, and tons more. A new stand up special drops every month, so mark your streaming calendar. Plus, Hulu has a huge library of stand up specials to check out. So if you're ready to laugh your face off and find out what's really hilarious, go to Hulu and get your stand up fix now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast week. We go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds and I've never seen it before. And neither is our guest this week, the great Matt Lieb. Hello, Matt. Thank you for joining us.

[Matt Lieb]

I'm so excited to be here. I am.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You mean that?

[Matt Lieb]

Well, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah, I do think for a second I usually say it, but, you know, and I never really look at to see if I actually am. I am. I'm stoked. It's something to do today.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it is something because you have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A show tonight, but you have the comedian problem of just there's a whole day. Daytime is the tough time for the comedian.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like we keep vampire hours.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

And the wife is at home with the kids. You get to hear about how you're not there for the tough things that are.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah, she's. She's texting me about how my child is growing up so fast and. And I'm like, good, I Hope she is 18 by the time I'm back and has her own apartment.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll make another with you.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, they don't get their own apartment anymore at 18. That's 27.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Matt. We just did an episode. Well, first of all, Matt, what can we promote of yours? You have. You were bragging a lot before we started. How many podcasts?

[Matt Lieb]

I have a lot of podcasts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You have Joe Rogan Experience. No, no, Matt, you're. You're not. Your podcast.

[Matt Lieb]

Oh, I was going to say I have a lot that in the rotation. Michael Bar.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, let's Just stick to the ones that you. Those are great ones, but let's just stick to the.

[Dave Anthony]

The ones you host. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The ones that people that you benefit.

[Matt Lieb]

Directly from, those don't do as well as the daily.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I still think it's going to be helpful for you to promote those.

[Matt Lieb]

All right, fine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Way to go.

[Matt Lieb]

So I do a podcast called the Joe Rogan Experience.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, Matt, Matt, Matt. The. The pot. The. Because I don't think you do. I think that's Joe's show. So what are. What are the shows that you.

[Matt Lieb]

I'm kind of on it. We're hanging out together.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Parasocial. That's per. You're having a parasocial relationship.

[Matt Lieb]

Because he. I. I know everything he's thinking because he says it out loud. And usually this is actually.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Maybe we should talk about this because this is actually taking some. Some turns that I think could be helpful for you to get out. But. But let's do that after. What are the shows that, you know, you do ads for your. Your podcasts. So the ones where you do ads.

[Matt Lieb]

Oh, okay. Okay. So I do podcasts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's really funny to say Joe Rogan again, by the way. I can tell you're weighing whether or not to do it, and I think doing it was right, to be honest.

[Matt Lieb]

I don't want to be judged. Okay. So I have a few. One is called Bad Has Bar, the world's most moral podcast. That is a podcast where me and my co host, Daniel Mate, two Jewish anti Zionists talk about funny Israeli propaganda. I mean, horrifying. What's that?

[Dave Anthony]

So you. So you're not.

[Matt Lieb]

Right. I'm not a Zionist, so therefore I'm not Jewish. Yes. Well, you know, I'm. I'm a Zionist on the wrong side. That's the thing, you know. Right. So I'm on your mother's side. And my other podcast is the wonderful Rewatch Mad Men Rewatch podcast called Pod Yourself a Gun. It's a Sopranos Rewatch podcast. And then it became of the Wire Rewatch podcast and now it's Mad Men. And we just had Dave's dad here, Gareth Reynolds, on the season one finale of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I'll tell you the best intro song to a podcast possible. Yeah, truly.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you. It's worth listening. It is. It's. Let's. It's hard to pivot when you turn a Sopranos show into other shows, but you've really. You found a way to make it seamless with the intro. So I would encourage everyone to listen to that. And then what's your third podcast? It's a movie watch podcast.

[Matt Lieb]

Yes. So then the other podcast I do with Emily Fleming and Jordan Morris, it is called Free with Ads, and that's a podcast where we talk about free movies that we saw on the Internet. And so, you know, that's. That's all. Those are all my jobs. I have so many jobs.

[Dave Anthony]

So you're. You're. So you're in a financial panic because you have a kid and you just keep starting podcasts.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah. If you start enough of them, it's like. It's like lotto scratchers. One of them will eventually be the Joe Rogan experience.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, careful, careful. We're doing it again, so be careful. You don't want to start dipping. Nope. I don't think he knows you. Now, Matt, real quick. We just had your lovely wife on an episode. No. Nope. And you're. We. We decided to wed, try to Newlywed Game her and you a little bit.

[Matt Lieb]

So I love it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Uh, now, if we were to ask her what your favorite movie is, what would. What would. What would you say is your favorite movie? And we'll tell you if she got it right or not?

[Matt Lieb]

The Aviator. Martin Scorsese. His movie about Howard Hughes, The Aviator. Now, she did not say that. No. No. What would she say my favorite movie is? Oh, what would she say? She'd say, like. I don't know, she'd be like the Godfather or something stupid.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's exactly what she said. That's exactly what she. She said it would be Scorsese. And then she couldn't really pin it down, so she said the Godfather one or two.

[Matt Lieb]

It's very.

[Dave Anthony]

To quote. She said some Scorsese bullshit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, that's what she said. Okay. And then we asked her what your last meal would be in the way that we were thinking death row meal, but she took it as the last thing you'd eaten. So that's your setup.

[Matt Lieb]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

And it's. Yeah. Yeah.

[Matt Lieb]

She. She would assume that the last thing I had eaten was pizza. Pizza, hamburger, you know, or like, you know, Nacho. Nacho Ramen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pretty good. She said it would be tacos and jalapeno poppers for Jack from Jack. She knows. Okay, now.

[Dave Anthony]

Worried about your heart.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, her. Her favorite movie. What. What would you say is her favorite movie?

[Matt Lieb]

Oh, some. Some Spanish language. No. Maybe. Maybe it is. What is her favorite movie?

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, this is not good. This is. This is classic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She did great.

[Matt Lieb]

She doesn't. She doesn't like movies. Is the thing her favorite Movie. Is it. Is it that the one. God. What is it? It's like an Asian one. It's. Yeah, it's about, like, Chinese.

[Dave Anthony]

Godzilla or you think of it.

[Matt Lieb]

No, no, no. Chinese.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you want it? You're very close. Do you want me to tell you?

[Matt Lieb]

It's called, like, Wake. Wake. Oh, wait.

[Dave Anthony]

Very close.

[Matt Lieb]

What the. Is it called, like, Wake?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're right there. The Breakfast Club.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's the rest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're right there.

[Matt Lieb]

That was my next. That was gonna be my next guest. Breakfast Club.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Which led us to ask her what she has for breakfast. What would you say she has for breakfast? That was our question to her.

[Matt Lieb]

She has whatever Karina's eating for breakfast. Maybe, you know, she. She likes eggs, so she'll have an eggy. She has yogurt sometimes for brekkie. Oh, God. I. First of all, I love my wife. I love my wife and her. This is. What. What. What did she just have for breakfast? Is that the question?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You were to say her break. Yeah, go ahead. Yeah.

[Matt Lieb]

Oh, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And what does she call it?

[Matt Lieb]

She calls it brekkie. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She had. She makes a smoothie. And would you like to guess what she calls her smoothie?

[Matt Lieb]

Puni.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right. Puni. Okay. By the way, I think you are on the Joe Rogan Experience. You did great.

[Matt Lieb]

I'm sweating.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're okay. It's a good thing your mic's in a nice bucket. You might need to cool that down. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Let's start recording.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hold. You. All right, let's start the show.

[Matt Lieb]

One, two, three, action.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, Matt, we're gonna do a podcast. Now, this whole thing has been the. Yeah, yeah. And if you're lucky, you could be a part of this one forever, too. So I know you wanted to add a fourth.

[Matt Lieb]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dave has a paper. What year do you think it's from, Matt? You get first crack.

[Matt Lieb]

It could be any year.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's true.

[Matt Lieb]

Okay, so it has to be after a point at which there is the printing press.

[Dave Anthony]

Correct.

[Matt Lieb]

I'm going to say it's from 19.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nice. This is good.

[Matt Lieb]

92.

[Dave Anthony]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is wild. That's a wild guess, bro.

[Matt Lieb]

I just kind of went for it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a wild guess because, like, it's.

[Matt Lieb]

Probably from, like, 1915. But, you know, because those are.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a better guess. But it could happen. I'm going to go with 1899.

[Dave Anthony]

Matt. So close. It is 1891.

[Matt Lieb]

I almost got it.

[Dave Anthony]

You almost did. You were one year off, basically.

[Matt Lieb]

So close.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Gareth was like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, close.

[Matt Lieb]

Why Even know what he was thinking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Super close. I can hear. Can you guys hear me?

[Matt Lieb]

Where did Gareth go?

[Dave Anthony]

This is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you ever do that when you were a kid? Tell your friends you'd, like, pretend they were gone? You'd be like, where's Jamie? And they'd be like, I'm here. Get this little bastard.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, that's really. That's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did you ever kill your friend? Go ahead, Dave.

[Matt Lieb]

I never did any of this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, go ahead, Dave.

[Dave Anthony]

This is March 12, 1891. The Weiser or Weezer. Why, it's probably wiser. Idaho. Semi weekly signal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cool.

[Matt Lieb]

Semi weekly. Not a daily. Nope, it's not a daily. They're just couple times, but also not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But are we sure it's coming out every week?

[Dave Anthony]

It's not the same as bi weekly. Could be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We learned that twice a week or.

[Dave Anthony]

Every other week, but semi weekly, Twice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A week, Semi weekly feels like how you, like, define a relationship with someone you won't commit to. Like, I see her. Semi weekly.

[Matt Lieb]

Semi weekly is like how I describe when people are going to get bonus Patreon episodes. You know, it's just like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's what I mean.

[Matt Lieb]

It's like sometimes. Yeah, sometimes it's worth it. Because sometimes we do Trust the process. Trust the process.

[Dave Anthony]

Yep.

[Matt Lieb]

Give me the money first.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, give me the money and then you get your stuff.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah, exactly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The money in a bag. Then I'll riff on a movie for you.

[Matt Lieb]

Exactly. Are you crazy? You get for first for pay me full. Damn. Have you guys seen Blood Diamond?

[Dave Anthony]

No, but that got really racist.

[Matt Lieb]

No, no. That is an impression of Leonardo DiCaprio doing a South African.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You gotta start with that before you launch in for the next time you do it. The setup's huge for that one. The setup. The context is big for that impression.

[Matt Lieb]

Well, listen, I kind of just naturally assume everyone's seen Blood Diamond.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think that's where you're from.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, yeah. There's your problem. There's your problem.

[Matt Lieb]

It was a. It had Jennifer Connelly in it and Leonardo DiCaprio.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're backtracking in a great way.

[Matt Lieb]

Are you, Chris? You get full pay me post fodem.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, but you sound like you're doing a really bad.

[Matt Lieb]

He's. He's doing a accent to Commander Zero, who is an African, and he's a white South African.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Matt Lieb]

So he's kind of. It's actually him being racist.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, okay. Are you guys listening? I am dying, too.

[Matt Lieb]

Maybe I just go to them government, huh? At least them go on. Me gonna pay Me, Huh? You gotta see it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I really do think we gotta.

[Dave Anthony]

I just don't remember that.

[Matt Lieb]

Why is no one looking at the camera anymore? No one's looking at me. Everyone's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, we're trying to. I'm trying to find it.

[Matt Lieb]

You're trying to find this, the scene with Commander Zero?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look, I'm just trying to find some of it because I really want to hear.

[Matt Lieb]

All right, just fast forward a little bit.

[Dave Anthony]

Is that the scene?

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah, keep fast forwarding. I'll tell you when you're in the right area. You idiot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're an idiot. You did this.

[Matt Lieb]

I'll just do it for you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no. You get something for me. You have get something for me. Huh? You print a blank on first.

[Dave Anthony]

Are you Chris? You get for.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pay me first for them.

[Matt Lieb]

See, that was.

[Dave Anthony]

I. I really gotta say, if someone was like, hey, do you want to take this role? I'd be like, no, no, I don't think so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's. It's a. Here. The accent is hilariously horrible.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Still, the funniest part remains. Matt leaping in, being like. And then the boys will know the blood diamond.

[Dave Anthony]

Ref.

[Matt Lieb]

No, because. Because we all have seen it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because we've all seen it a bunch and know that scene from that movie.

[Matt Lieb]

You know, Commander Zero scene.

[Dave Anthony]

I feel like. I feel like like 50% of Matt's life is him stopping and going, have you guys not seen Blood Zero?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because every person.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, you guys have seen it.

[Matt Lieb]

I'm my fucking dad now. Just going around going, did you ever flashy thing me? Men in Black?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I literally think I pulled something you did from laughing at the flashy thingy from Men in Black. All right, Dave, here we go.

[Dave Anthony]

All right. Here we go. This is like, near Boise. Just paper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

I lived there for the Cars. Killed three. So this is just a list of stuff. It's. It's one of those.

[Matt Lieb]

Not a.

[Dave Anthony]

It's not a story. It's just.

[Matt Lieb]

There's just a list.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, exactly.

[Dave Anthony]

Listicle killed three head of horses Tuesday above town. Two of them belong to Ed Barton.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Killed three horses.

[Matt Lieb]

Three. Three horses. Read it again.

[Dave Anthony]

The Cars were here. The cars.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Slower.

[Matt Lieb]

Can you read it?

[Dave Anthony]

The cars. The cars killed.

[Matt Lieb]

I'm sorry. It starts out the Cars.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The bands.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, am I wrong?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, the band.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The Cars. Yeah. Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

People don't know that. That whenever the Cars were touring, they. They would just kill horses.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah. How confusing if they're like, bus got into an accident with a bunch of cars. The Cars hit a lot of cars the other day and what's being called a total car wreck for cars. The car and the cars show is postponed.

[Dave Anthony]

The cars killed three head of horses Tuesday above Hydra.

[Matt Lieb]

Three head of horses?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right.

[Dave Anthony]

Two of them belong to Ed Barton. So they just. It just killed horses. You don't have to say a head of horse. It's the horse. It's a horse.

[Matt Lieb]

Well, maybe it just killed the head. Maybe the rest of the horse is okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She'll still ride, but she ain't going to ride like she did. You're going to want to jack a little wheel up top on her.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah, yeah. You're going to have to basically move her neck to whether she goes left or right or up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The neck is now steering apparatus. She's still crapping. You can still spur her.

[Matt Lieb]

You're gonna have to get some friends to move the legs, too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I feel like I should just replace it. No, no, you did. She'll ride for a little while.

[Matt Lieb]

It's fine. Just go to a mechanic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She'll go. Go to a horse guy. What you gotta do? Put a goat head on the body. It'll look funny, but it'll play. It'll play.

[Matt Lieb]

She'll play angel, eat all your trash.

[Gareth Reynolds]

When you're done, she eat your trash. You don't poop. This should be fine, ed. Don't worry, Mr. Barton, we got you.

[Dave Anthony]

Fordyce, a sheep buyer, and Ormsby, another sheep buyer, are in the county buying mutton on foot for the summer's drive.

[Matt Lieb]

It's weird, this. This listicle. I. I'm spacing out a little bit while you're talking because it just sounds like. You guys ever listen to Prairie Home Companion?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

[Matt Lieb]

You know, like that guy Garrison Keiller, you would just. Just start talking about stuff and I was just like, shut up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. You had to pretend to get it.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Can you read?

[Matt Lieb]

Can you read that again?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I definitely think it deserves a reread.

[Dave Anthony]

Fordyce, a sheep buyer, and Ormsby, another sheep buyer, are in the county buying mutton on foot for the summer's drive.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so they're. They're sheep buyers and they're buying lamb. Probably jerky lamb or. I mean, it's hard to keep.

[Dave Anthony]

So maybe are they buying it for themselves to eat? Because they're.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think they're buying it for themselves.

[Dave Anthony]

Because mutton is meat from sheep. Yeah. So it's from sheep.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah. With them, they could.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, they could just kill and eat it. Eat A sheep.

[Matt Lieb]

Maybe they're just showing the sheep what could happen if they don't behave.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I still think a killing in front of them would be better. But potentially it's strange to be like knee deep in sheep and then be like, you know, it hit the spot for the drive. A little bit of sheep.

[Matt Lieb]

Why do you think I became a shepherd? I just love sheep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm so attached to my flock, though.

[Matt Lieb]

No, they're friends, not food. But I do. I do eat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I will buy it. I will buy it. Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

All right. Mr. Johnson, the millwright of the Weezer Rolling Mills roller mills has got up to Boise with a quantity of flour which he will introduce to the people of that place.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They don't get flour.

[Dave Anthony]

One trial we think will be sufficient to prove its worth to them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

So this is like. I mean, it's like. It's like cocaine when, like fire. You see the drug deal on a movie and they're like, cut it, let me taste it, let me. Yeah, that's good.

[Matt Lieb]

This article, it's just snitching. Like, is this like, this is just looking out and going, here's what's going on in town, you know?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it is a bit. It's a bit gossiped.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I do like the idea of coming to town with Flower for the first time and people being like, I don't know, Isn't that that big city? Pow. Someone's like, this is great.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm not sure this will make bread.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know.

[Matt Lieb]

That's impossible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's that stuff Diana's boy got hooked on and now he doesn't come home anymore because he's so big. He's so big. As she's petting a goat headed horse. Quiet, Sebastian. Quiet, quiet. You know, he started to be able to say, kill me, but I won't. Kill, kill. It's not a life. This not a life. By the way, that's from Blood Diamond.

[Matt Lieb]

Oh, I love that movie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's great.

[Dave Anthony]

That's a great movie. Have you seen.

[Matt Lieb]

So good.

[Dave Anthony]

Have you heard the like. I thought when I first saw him, I was like, that guy's from South Africa. But no, it is awesome when an.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Actor misses on an accent and has to do it for the whole. It's awesome. Yeah, like Brad Pitt being like in the devil's whatever, the son of the devil or whatever the it's called.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God. Gangs of New York, Cameron.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But then like when you're a big star like that, like the director's like, that's great. Are you done on your. Where are you in the prep? You are done? Yeah. I thought you were done. It's awesome. It's really good. I'm just.

[Matt Lieb]

Just say action. I'm just gonna wing it.

[Dave Anthony]

Ho.

[Matt Lieb]

It's me, Cameron Diaz.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great. That's great.

[Matt Lieb]

I'm here in. In old New York town.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great.

[Matt Lieb]

And I'm going to fall in love with Leonardo DiCaprio.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, cut. Hey, I can't cut her. Bring the dialect coach over here. I'm gonna stab him.

[Dave Anthony]

Indian Valley Inklings. Mr. Editor, I will take the liberty of giving you a few topics of the week.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. This is.

[Dave Anthony]

This is just a guy writing in with the news. He's like, all right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then it made it.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm gonna help out the paper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And the editor was like, cool. We need this content.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, they're all content.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Right? Yeah.

[Matt Lieb]

Oliver. Writers died of consumption.

[Dave Anthony]

The snow has been going fast for the day. The past day. Few days. I'll read that again. The snow has been going fast for the past few days, and horsemen will soon be able to turn their stock on the hills, some even having already turned out.

[Matt Lieb]

Good. Yeah, Good. I'm glad to know. I'm glad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Finally. That's closed. We closed that loop.

[Matt Lieb]

I was worried for a second.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah.

[Matt Lieb]

Freaking wouldn't be able to do that thing you said.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, no, the full. The end of that is exactly what I wanted to hear. Because before that seemed pretty problematic.

[Matt Lieb]

But that's like, what are those horsemen gonna do? Because the snow is going so fast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's super, super quick.

[Matt Lieb]

Don't go that fast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Snow slow down unless you want it to. Or.

[Matt Lieb]

Or whatever's good for the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, no, but if it's. You know, we don't want it to. Yeah.

[Matt Lieb]

So you think this is how people read papers back then? They just went, huh? Oh, yeah, I know what that means.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I fathomed that language properly.

[Dave Anthony]

There's more. There's more to this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

James Morrison of council has driven his band of horses to George Patterson's to feed.

[Matt Lieb]

Band of horses. Good. Another good band.

[Dave Anthony]

That guy took his horses to a neighbor's house to eat, so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah, that's a big deal.

[Dave Anthony]

That's what's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And this is. This is reader submitted headline.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes, if you can believe it. Yeah, well, they're not headlines. It's just reader submitted information.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah. To be fair, it's not. It's not like they said it was writer submitted, you know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right. This is just some Guys, like, I got pitches has a new post.

[Dave Anthony]

I've been reading your news and I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Think it's bad butterfly scene.

[Dave Anthony]

Here's a little something for me. Hay is plenty here and is selling for $5 a ton.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bam. That's news. That is actually probably the most helpful part.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Because that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Back then, you're like, that's huge.

[Dave Anthony]

The dance given by the Farmers alliance in this valley was well attended and was a success.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is just such.

[Matt Lieb]

Says the guy who threw the dance.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Matt Lieb]

A thousand dollars.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Matt Lieb]

My event, my birthday party was super well attended and everyone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Everyone was there. It was awesome.

[Matt Lieb]

The whole town was there and we laughed in merriment.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's still happening, actually.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm writing from the dance floor.

[Matt Lieb]

I'm having fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got a blowjob. All right. That's right. Another fella. I got my dick sucked in the barn by Ken.

[Matt Lieb]

You hear that, Georgia? Zach's wife.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you listening, Georgia?

[Matt Lieb]

We had a party and I had the most fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ken and I got hammered on fermented siren and he sucked. Mark, get my birthday dance.

[Dave Anthony]

We did a new thing.

[Matt Lieb]

It's called space stalking. Both of our penises went inside of each other's penises.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, all right, all right. Randall, Randall, Randall, Randall. No. Come on, come on.

[Matt Lieb]

I have water, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let it go. Let it go, Let it go.

[Matt Lieb]

Let. Let.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on.

[Matt Lieb]

Oh, I hate my ex wife.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know, I know, but I don't think you're getting her the way you.

[Matt Lieb]

Think she reads this paper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know, but space.

[Matt Lieb]

I know. I paid for the subscription.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. Randall, Randall, Randall, Randall, Randall, Randall. Space. I don't know if the space doc. I don't know if that's gonna make it.

[Matt Lieb]

It'll make her the most mad. That's why I wrote it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, but I think what. I think what we're trying to say is that there. There is no space. There is no. No one understands a space dock. Because that's not something that we have in 1891.

[Matt Lieb]

An idea that I had. What if there was a thing called space?

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is interesting. And then. Okay, this is how the telescope got invented. I don't know. Also. And there's an asterisk. How do you get your dick out of another guy's dick.

[Dave Anthony]

Now? Your honor, I'm stuck in Kenny, but not my fault.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's a Fairly Brothers movie. Stuck in K.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, there's more. The spring fights has begun. And one old mossback has a boy, age 17, who can whip any old man in Washington county between the ages of 60 and 90.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like when Andy Kaufman would like wrestle women. I'll fight anyone between the ages of 60 and 90. In 1891, a 90 year old man is a corpse.

[Matt Lieb]

Where do you find 90? I love you. Stopped at 90. At 91, they get a second wind and they get really strong.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I won't find a 92 year old. It becomes sad. I mean, I. By the way, I'm putting that offer out there. I will fight any 90 year old. I. I'm in. I wanted. I'm gonna start a YouTube which is just me fighting 90 year old men.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I'm down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just beating the shit out of a dying man. Got any more? You piece of crap. You're gassed at the end. I mean, he would put up a. Hell, he was a lot tougher than he looked.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah, it's actually really hard. It's. It's hard to just punch anything, even an object that doesn't move. So I'm pretty winded right now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The hardest part is feeling comfortable taking his life.

[Dave Anthony]

I'll put my fist through any old man's chest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The fight is really inside myself being cool with what has been determined as manslaughter.

[Dave Anthony]

He has got $3 wagered on it. So come forward, old man, and show your colors.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

That is really crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is crazy.

[Matt Lieb]

This is a setup though. It's gotta be. This person's got like, there's a ringer in there. He's like, I got $3 on it. Everyone's voting for him. He's gonna take a dive and he and a 90 year old are going to split the money.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's not a bad idea.

[Matt Lieb]

I have lots of good ideas, but.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The 90 year old is going to be like, I forgot why we're here.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah, what is this?

[Dave Anthony]

The saddest thing about all this is that in three weeks this is going to be a new Matt podcast.

[Matt Lieb]

Oh, I know, I know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, hurry up before Dana White like turns it into a, like a Turner broadcast event.

[Dave Anthony]

If a few minds, if a few lines find a place in the signal, I may come again soon. Buck a roo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How many 91 year olds were there?

[Dave Anthony]

That couldn't have been a lot.

[Matt Lieb]

But he says 60.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's a range. Yeah, there's one guy.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah, he's talking about one guy for sure. And that's the guy he's going to split the money with.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, the crazy thing is just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hanging in there with it.

[Dave Anthony]

The crazy thing is that the guy who signed the letter?

[Matt Lieb]

Bucky Roo.

[Dave Anthony]

And you guys just ignored that?

[Matt Lieb]

No, that was a good pun. I heard it and I went, oh, he's having fun.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, he's having fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Matt Lieb]

I want to laugh at it, but he did make his career beating up old men, fighting. I feel like he's a bad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You don't know if he wins.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How embarrassing is that? Where you're like, he was pretty good. That guy hung in there. I could see why he got to be so old. Guy's a fighter.

[Matt Lieb]

You can see why he survived for so long.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Honestly, I could see why that guy just won't die. What do you.

[Dave Anthony]

What do you. What are you doing down there with your arms?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I am my sock Holiday themed. I can't tell if it's. You know, when the sock lines aren't the right way up and everything feels wrong. The sock line felt like it wasn't right, but I'm determining that it was right.

[Matt Lieb]

Oh, shit. It was you who was wrong.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was wrong.

[Dave Anthony]

Now are you just. Have you just not been doing laundry?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like to wear the holiday theme socks deep into February.

[Dave Anthony]

You do?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And they don't wash them. I don't wash them. I don't wash them till Santa comes. And he hasn't, which comes.

[Matt Lieb]

Like sex combs.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah, what he said. The dollop is brought to you by hilarious stand up comedy now on Hulu. Hey, everybody. You know Hulu, right? Yes, it's the streaming service Hulu. What other Hulu is there? Well, Hulu has a bunch of new stand up specials that are not just funny, they're hoo larious. Because they're Hulu and the specials are hilarious.

[Matt Lieb]

I get it.

[Dave Anthony]

You get it, right? Yeah, very funny, Hulu. Anyway, they're launching new exclusive standup specials from awesome comedians like Jim Gaffigan, Ulayna glazier, Roy Wood Jr. Bill Burr, Chris DiStefano, Jessica Kirsten, and tons more. A new stand up special drops every month, so mark your streaming calendar. Plus, Hulu has a huge library of stamp specials to check out. So if you're ready to laugh your face off and find out what's really hilarious, go to Hulu and get your stand up fix now. You'll get it. Our old friend Jap Thomason is still on the matrimonial market. Jap says he expects he will have to stay there too, but he will live in hopes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a pretty sad little story there.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

An unfuckable guy who believes it won't Happen, that is.

[Matt Lieb]

It's like. Well, it's his fourth broken off engagement and time to hit the newspaper. It happened to me again. Old Jeff is single, but ready to mingle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm ready. Just so everyone knows, nothing's changed over here for old Jeff. Same old guy looking to bang, but nothing's happening.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, Jeff killed another one. I'm still on the market.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, another one fell down the stairs.

[Matt Lieb]

I just hate commitment.

[Dave Anthony]

We received a charming, delightful and soul inspiring communication this week which does not appear for the sad, agonizing and heart rendering reason that there was no name attached and we had no way of telling who it was from what just happened.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, why don't we get.

[Matt Lieb]

Start from the beginning. Start from the beginning.

[Dave Anthony]

That is the beginning.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do it again.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

We received a charming, delightful and soul inspiring. Excuse me, I have Cove. Cove Covid. We received a charming, delightful and soul inspiring communication this week which does not appear for the sad, agonizing and heart rendering reason that there was no name attached and we had no way of telling who it was from. Now I would like that printable that the last thing. The last thing I read was signed a friend and the other one was Buck a Roo.

[Matt Lieb]

Good point.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So.

[Dave Anthony]

So.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But this. But. And this headline, or whatever we call it is really just. We were going to print something pretty dark, but they didn't sign it.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Matt Lieb]

Okay, interesting. We.

[Dave Anthony]

We will gladly publish anything of public interest when we know the name of the writer. We will not give your name to the public, but we must have it ourselves.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Does this need to be done publicly in the paper? I mean, I guess it's a headline.

[Matt Lieb]

And for possibly be.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is so sad?

[Matt Lieb]

The sun. The sun came up today and it's looking to go down this evening, like. Well, who wrote it?

[Dave Anthony]

Who wrote it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

My boy passed away.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Okay. Minnesota has taken a step for reform in the jury system by inserting a clause in the constitution providing that in civil cases the agreement of 10 out of 12 jurors shall be sufficient.

[Matt Lieb]

Oh, that's sick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, so sick.

[Matt Lieb]

I kind of like that.

[Dave Anthony]

Do you like that?

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah. For civil cases, I do too. For civil cases, that is okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Not for criminal cases.

[Matt Lieb]

No criminal cases. You need to get all 12. But I like civil cases where it's just like, nah, the majority think you owe the money.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree.

[Matt Lieb]

With no money. You know what I mean? It's money. It's not, you know, life. That's great. Yeah. That's just a. You know what? That's just a great news. Story. I learned a lot there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I did too. You learning? I learned through you on that one. What I want.

[Dave Anthony]

We're still going. We're not done with it.

[Matt Lieb]

There's more.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a good thing that one's over.

[Dave Anthony]

In one respect, this step is wise, as it necessitates the corruption of three jurors instead of one to bring about a disagreement. But in respect to the weight of a verdict rendered, it is rather a detraction that some reform of the jury system is desirable, cannot be doubted. So they disagree with you.

[Matt Lieb]

What do they know? They're dead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. They're all old and goodbye.

[Matt Lieb]

Those idiots don't have a single podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, yeah, that's very true. How many podcasts that whole jury? Oh, none.

[Matt Lieb]

Oh, interesting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, interesting. The Matt finds you not relevant.

[Matt Lieb]

So bang my gavel. My gavel is my microphone. He's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can see the art. And it's bad.

[Matt Lieb]

It's so terrible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's you with a gavel and you're like, ah.

[Matt Lieb]

They actually do it. And just. Too loud. Everyone heard. Everyone heard the ice bucket on that one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was gonna say it's. When you got a road setup. You got to be careful with your mic jokes.

[Dave Anthony]

That's right.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah. It's the only mic I have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh. If a clerk in a drugstore puts up poison in place of some simple specific. The proprietor has to face the music.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, if he puts a poison up inside instead of the drug. So you can't serve poison. So this is a different era.

[Dave Anthony]

He's saying if you serve poison, you. You gotta.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's your fault.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. You have to face the. It's a crime. You got to face the music.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Seems.

[Matt Lieb]

I'm glad. So this is when that was decided, huh?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. This is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Seems. Seems fair to an extent.

[Dave Anthony]

This is the article.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who made the poison at all? But this is probably when the pharmacist made the poison, Right? This is small pharma.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Small pharma.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is like a pharmacist.

[Matt Lieb]

Mr. Walgreen was like, well, I didn't put the poison into the jar.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Imagine the type of Walgreens. One Walgreen. Mr. Walgreens, what's your plan? Well, you know, CVS. What if it was shittier? Like, we're out of everything, but you.

[Matt Lieb]

Can steal a little.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But stealing is way easier. Imagine a security guard who refuses to enforce anything. Like a guy walks out with a bunch of mouthwash in his arms and just leaves. That's my dream. Paul Walgreen come to Bed, you old dreamer.

[Dave Anthony]

Someday it's a store, but everything is locked up. But you can see the stuff. You just can't get it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Checkouts, but one person working. Pa. Come to bed.

[Matt Lieb]

I've got so many ideas. Like, we'll put all of the food in areas where you can get it. But the deodorant is gonna be behind a glass wall.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But you're a pharmacy, Paul.

[Matt Lieb]

No, but we're expanding.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'll serve Milano cookies, but there'll also be a squirt gun section for kids. Paul, what are you talking about? Wrapping paper and cards and one hour.

[Matt Lieb]

Photo and Christmas lights somewhere.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And by God, there'll be a man serving ice cream. But. So you've gone too far.

[Dave Anthony]

And right there, when you're standing there getting the ice cream, there'll be a little tiny tree of toenail clippers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And the same man who does the photo will work the ice cream. He won't be trained in Bow.

[Dave Anthony]

He'll also run the register, Paul.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He'll be able to give you a Snapple if you want. And cigarettes.

[Dave Anthony]

You have to close down the register if someone wants something for the bunions in back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If someone needs batteries, the whole system will collapse upon itself.

[Matt Lieb]

And yes, sometimes the medicine will be poisonous.

[Dave Anthony]

And for that, they will pay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I'll have one in every city.

[Matt Lieb]

You'll see, like a reverse golden ticket. One lucky boy or girl.

[Gareth Reynolds]

One lucky boy won't go in. That's my dream.

[Dave Anthony]

Four go into Walgreens, two come out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And there won't be a wall. And if there is, it'll be white.

[Dave Anthony]

Imagine how aghast a court would be if it were admitted that the clerk put up the poison willfully and knowingly. But if he and his employer were to ask that they might go suit free because he had received instructions never to sell morphine for quinine or give packets of strychnine to any children who might call for it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ.

[Matt Lieb]

Only adults get strict nine.

[Dave Anthony]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Having to make a rule that's like one of those rules where you're like, why is that? All right. No strict nine to kids, no matter where. How they're asking.

[Matt Lieb]

I didn't think I'd have to write it down, but I'm writing it down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, like if you're in a hotel and it's like, no pool crapping, no cannonballs. You're like, wait. Pool crapping?

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm Mr. Paul.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can I have some strict nine? Absolutely. Thank you.

[Dave Anthony]

Can I get it on a stick?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, absolutely. Stick nine. We call It. Here you go, boy. There you go. Eat that up now. Thank God there's no rule against. Oh my God. I forgot the law change magnet to pull my tummy and eyes hurt. That's right.

[Dave Anthony]

It's coming out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All of it? Yeah, that's right.

[Dave Anthony]

You're a good boy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That stick? Mr. Paul. I'm. Please. What? Would you make a choice? Die or stop whining.

[Dave Anthony]

Seltzer water.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm gonna have to see some money before I keep filling you with stuff. Honestly, this is getting a little.

[Dave Anthony]

Can I have also the Dr. Scholl's foot?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm sorry.

[Matt Lieb]

This is a really slow moving poison. Is he gonna die or what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know. You'd think poison would go through a lab this size much faster than a groan.

[Matt Lieb]

God damn.

[Dave Anthony]

Is this the scene on tv?

[Matt Lieb]

I'm gonna go to the knife. I'm gonna go to the knife section.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get to the knife section.

[Matt Lieb]

I'm gonna go stab him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you so much. It's just right near the chips. Somebody open the Jesus Christ security window. Yeah. It's just crazy. Who. Who dies with a list? Shocking.

[Dave Anthony]

Yet this is the treatment through proper thought. Proper. When a well authenticated case of selling liquor to minors comes up. So they're saying you shouldn't be able to sell poisons to kids.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What were. What were the age restrictions on alcohol in the 1890s?

[Matt Lieb]

Was there? No.

[Dave Anthony]

I don't know if there were any. I think it was just more societal. Like frowned upon. Don't sell. But.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

So you could maybe.

[Matt Lieb]

I think I'm starting to think that there is a like clinical use for strychnine I just don't know about. I've only heard of it as a poison. Is there something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is. This is before. This is. This is like. Like I don't remember what Ozempic was for originally. You know. But it probably wasn't. Yeah. Cravings go away.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know. It wasn't for all cravings. Maybe a weight loss.

[Matt Lieb]

But then was originally a drug for diabetics.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right? That's right.

[Matt Lieb]

It's a drug that makes stop kills.

[Dave Anthony]

It kills rats. Strict nine.

[Matt Lieb]

Oh, we're talking rat poison. Nine. Okay. All right. So it is a boy. That's what it's like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why were humans taking it?

[Dave Anthony]

Why not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You see where I'm.

[Matt Lieb]

Damn. I never thought about it like that.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. What were the uses of strychnine in the 1800s? To control mice and rats.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love to control. Control. You work for me. Boy.

[Dave Anthony]

It was back then. It Was a vermin killer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So bring me back gold. And then they're all dead. I think. I think I misread the label on this one.

[Matt Lieb]

I thought it was like a mind control drug for rats. I was gonna build a little army.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now to control them. Wake up. Wake up, my pet. Wait. Oh, Christ.

[Matt Lieb]

Don't write control on the label if it's not what you mean.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is there any strict eight that might be a little better of what I'm in the neighborhood for?

[Matt Lieb]

It doesn't quite kill them, but it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Makes them more amenable to do a little hypnotized.

[Matt Lieb]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now bring me the gold from the mountains, my little boys.

[Matt Lieb]

These rats are taking a long time. Go out the door. And they're just a sea of dead rats.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on. Mush. Mush, boys, mush.

[Matt Lieb]

Attach them to a sled.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Make me the richest man in the world. We will win the Iditarode boys. Except for those who are writing the history books. The first name's Dylan. Mush, boys. Christ. All dead again. Christ. More like I did a wrong.

[Matt Lieb]

There we go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There it is.

[Matt Lieb]

There it is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I wish I had a human around me to enjoy some of this stuff with me.

[Matt Lieb]

I've got all these riffs I want to do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Got all these rat riffs and all.

[Matt Lieb]

These rats going away.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Doesn't translate a charcoal on the wall as well as I'd hope.

[Matt Lieb]

I just want a million little friends.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Am I so wrong? Is it so wrong to want to be the rat king? Don't answer that. Rats. Even though you're all dead. Christ.

[Dave Anthony]

The tailors of New York propose to sell the bills which they hold against delinquent customers at public auctions.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Matt Lieb]

Oh.

[Dave Anthony]

The beginning. The beginning.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right? Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Selling debt. Oh, damn. There are two objections to this plan. First, that it will encourage a certain class of debtors to wait for the sale and have the accounts against them brought by their friends.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Interesting. Life finds a way.

[Matt Lieb]

Wait. Isn't that just paying off a debt? I don't understand what that means. I guess it's. You're paying off a debt at a. At a. At a discount. What does paying for someone's debt mean? What does any of this mean? I've never been to a bank. Is it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is a bank?

[Matt Lieb]

Is this what they call usury? Is this usury we're talking about?

[Dave Anthony]

Here we go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've never been to a bank.

[Matt Lieb]

I've never been to a bank. I don't use. Christ the. The Lord. He kicked all of the bankers out of the temple. I don't know if you remember that from Jesus. Very much so, yes. It's a great scene where he goes, are you craz? You get full payment.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't. I don't think I do.

[Matt Lieb]

No, that was Jesus Christ Superstar.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, it's true. Leo shows up, so he's doing Jesus with an accent again.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, are you craz?

[Matt Lieb]

Are you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you crazy? Are you crazy? You craze is so. I've never wanted to watch Blood diamond more than that.

[Dave Anthony]

Right.

[Matt Lieb]

You gotta see it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's upsetting.

[Matt Lieb]

Well, in America, it's bling bling. Out here it's bling bang.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, no, no, no, no.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

[Matt Lieb]

Out here, like, as a writer, you're.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Probably watching Leo read lot and you're like, I'm gonna make Leonardo's gonna say my words. And then everyone's like, oh, boy.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, God.

[Matt Lieb]

He's right, Dan. You got one more dead, dead body.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Then you got one more dead bit. But then you got.

[Matt Lieb]

Then you got one more dead body.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Then you go to one more bit. I hope he doesn't do too much baby talk with. I think he'll be able to get it.

[Matt Lieb]

He'll get it.

[Dave Anthony]

Baby talk. Are you craz?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you craz? He's in character. He's so meta.

[Matt Lieb]

This guy's method, dude. This guy just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's. Are you crazy? He's firing his assistant in my weird little language that I made up in my South Africans. Okay, are we still in just like. This is just a headline. Not headline, but just the.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, there's no. There's no, like, there's no headlines above any of these stories.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like it.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Matt Lieb]

I mean, it's a way to do news. It's a way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like clickbait.

[Matt Lieb]

Yes, it is. Clickbait. It's early. There's no gifts, which makes it kind of boring.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right. But I don't love that. There's no ads to close, which I don't.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Either.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Trying to find a little X. Yeah.

[Matt Lieb]

The page doesn't just crash randomly, but.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Matt Lieb]

Which is the most fun part. But this is that I like just listings.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love scrolling with an ad that stalks you.

[Matt Lieb]

I like it when you're like, you can't get rid of me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Matt Lieb]

Just hit the X. Oh, that was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

An arrow to take you to the article.

[Matt Lieb]

Oh, now you click me. We're going to Live Jasmine. It's Live Jasmine time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Every time someone clicks on that, they must be like, we got him. They're not like, Someone's interested. They're like, got him.

[Matt Lieb]

Got him. Idiot. Fool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Even though he left right away. That's money for us.

[Matt Lieb]

That's money.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a penny.

[Matt Lieb]

You get enough of those guys, just like rats. That's a sea of money that adds up. I'm gonna get these rats to create websites for me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You understand? Boys, we're gonna do it together. Rat friends. Christ, they're all skeletons. I'm talking to an army of skeletons.

[Dave Anthony]

J.H. morse, a young man formerly well known in San Francisco is leading a life which must be singularly independent and free from all annoyances and cares of ordinary existence.

[Matt Lieb]

I love this guy. I'm this guy. This is my friend.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know you have a microphone in an ice bucket and ain't Jack in the box yesterday.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you the same guy? I'm San Francisco seems to be the only.

[Matt Lieb]

It's the place you go where you're free from annoyances and you just do what you want. You're eating the poppers. You're putting the microphone in the ice bucket. You're doing accents that are questionable.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is life at the top.

[Matt Lieb]

This is life at the top. Living my dream. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna eat more poppers after this, okay?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know.

[Matt Lieb]

No one can tell me what to do until I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, but. I know, but it's like you're. These are like acts of aggression. Towards who? Your wife?

[Matt Lieb]

Myself.

[Dave Anthony]

Yourself.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay? You've declared more on yourself.

[Matt Lieb]

And, guys, this is a war on God.

[Dave Anthony]

Right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Matt Lieb]

Now, you can't kill me. I'll kill myself. You can't fire me. I quit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I don't know.

[Matt Lieb]

If you kill me, God, guess what? Then you just have one more dirty body.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay? No. All right. Dave, hurry. Dave, hurry. Dave, hurry. Hey.

[Dave Anthony]

You craze.

[Matt Lieb]

You craze.

[Dave Anthony]

He has bought himself for the modest sum of $5,000, a small island in the Pacific Ocean. He has imported tither a population of South Sea Islanders.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, this is bad.

[Dave Anthony]

This just took a really bad turn. This just took a really bad turn.

[Matt Lieb]

I'm not this guy. I actually, I. Can we go back and say I'm not this guy?

[Dave Anthony]

So you don't. I thought you.

[Matt Lieb]

I don't like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He was liars.

[Matt Lieb]

I don't like this guy. I don't like this guy.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm the slaver.

[Matt Lieb]

I thought he was just someone who liked to chill. I didn't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I think he still might be trying to chill, but by means that we should not agree with you're now backing away.

[Matt Lieb]

There's a level of chill. There's a level of chill that I'm.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's a rule of thumb, don't befriend an island. Like a guy who has an island. Steer clear.

[Matt Lieb]

There's no one who's ever bought an island who's ever done anything good with it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. It's like you don't need it because you could live, like, in a. You could have a big, like, vast area of land on another area of land.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah. Just buy a house somewhere.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Like an ocean moat is that's where you go? I don't know. He's up to something.

[Matt Lieb]

Why do you need a navy?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I just. Somewhere where authorities can't get us. Right, Matt, come on over.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

There's finally a place. There's going to be a very special place where we're free and there is no one around. Imagine a place and they're surrounded by water. And all we can do all day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is just squirrels, all the conch you can eat, all the rocks you want to skip, and screams can't be heard.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes. Not a scream.

[Matt Lieb]

I've also imported some islanders as helpers.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I. I can't make my dream happen alone.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah. So it's a lot of work. Come on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A lot of work. Turns out. So I just took a population, and now they're mine. You're my best friend, Matt.

[Matt Lieb]

They lived on the other island right there, and I just moved them here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what I mean? And now I get both.

[Matt Lieb]

Yes.

[Dave Anthony]

They're on a different island and they are. I mean, I would call it an island. Basement is where they're now residing. Which.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Matt, you're my best friend, and Matt, you're my number one buddy.

[Matt Lieb]

I thought you just like to eat jalapeno pop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love to eat poppers. And by the way, men. More poppers for Matt and I. Otherwise you get the lava. Matt, I love you.

[Matt Lieb]

We're not friends.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Matt's my best.

[Matt Lieb]

I don't know this man. I don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This year and I. We share the same ideals.

[Matt Lieb]

I just thought he wanted to start a podcast about chilling. That's what I thought.

[Dave Anthony]

This is chilling. And.

[Matt Lieb]

No, but like normal.

[Dave Anthony]

The meaning of the word.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, Matt, you want to eat some human hand? Come here, my boy. Name one thing we don't agree on.

[Matt Lieb]

I sure can't start a YouTube channel.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you say, man?

[Matt Lieb]

Food challenges. What tastes better, human hand or human foot? I want to do this. You're going to and you're going to subscribe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Eat a little brain. By the way, it really helps if you guys comment.

[Matt Lieb]

Hit that notification bell.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Helps us out a lot.

[Dave Anthony]

He has imported to their a population of South Sea islanders and has set out a great quantity of coconut and banana trees. He is absolute ruler and practically owns everything. Practically and in.

[Matt Lieb]

I've got this one guy in the corner who owns a little bit of stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So one guy has a little plot of corn. I'm letting him be.

[Dave Anthony]

There's one guy that's like, this is my rock. Yeah, this is my rock.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, all right, fine.

[Matt Lieb]

That way I don't feel like a. You know, I have one. One surf. He's over there. He owns his own thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's his own rock.

[Matt Lieb]

He's good. Good for you, Carl.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's got an army of dead rats.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah, he's fine. He thinks he control rats. With strict nine I'm going to kill.

[Dave Anthony]

Boss with rocks day.

[Matt Lieb]

I'm going to kill boss with rock.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We might have to get rid of Carl.

[Matt Lieb]

I want, I want to have that like poster in my house. Just like, like one of those office motivational posters. Just a picture rock. I'm going to kill boss.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, so Matt, we say you can hang up anything in your cubicle. That one is a little problematic for Mr. Schwartz. He's kind of. He doesn't love that one.

[Matt Lieb]

Why? No, I just, just, you know, it's just like motivation. It's motivation for work. I don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

In the direct. I don't know. It feels a little.

[Matt Lieb]

Well, I'm a self starter, you know, I like to let people know that, you know, just like, you know, every day is a new day. You know, it's like I'm a grindset mindset guy. One day I'm going to kill boss.

[Gareth Reynolds]

See, those are great. Those are great mottos. It's the last one where it.

[Matt Lieb]

No, but the third one, it's just like, hey, one day I'll be the boss.

[Dave Anthony]

You know, it's upsetting other workers and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why does he have to get killed with the rock? Is kind of what we're.

[Matt Lieb]

Well, no, it's not. It like stop thinking about it in terms of like, oh no, you know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It'S just a huge poster.

[Matt Lieb]

I know. Well, I want people to know. It's kind of my main, my baseline mindset. It's just like, you know, back in meso era.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, don't do meso. Well, can we lose not Matt, can we lose some of the rocks? Can we Lose some of the plan.

[Matt Lieb]

Was they killed rock.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, it's not really a clan though. I mean this is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We don't love the words. Well, it is. Exactly. That's kind of our point. And it shouldn't have. You shouldn't have so many rocks on your desk. Kind of. Where?

[Matt Lieb]

Well, I just. I just like rocks. Like that's separate from this. Guys, I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna kill you with rock. We could all kill boss with rock together.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, we are your bosses, so.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah, I know, but you're not. You're not the boss with that. With which I will kill with the rock. Unless Gareth, you want to kill Dave with a rock.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I actually am super into that.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah. You want guys, I'll print you. You can have your own poster.

[Dave Anthony]

There's. Now there's a new rule for the office and that's no rocks and no posters.

[Matt Lieb]

It's weird that you're making rules because we have the rocks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but you don't have anything. Also, he's right.

[Matt Lieb]

I am right.

[Dave Anthony]

So I think I'm right.

[Matt Lieb]

Well, I have rock.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm the one that's right.

[Matt Lieb]

Rock beats paper. And then I kill him.

[Dave Anthony]

What?

[Matt Lieb]

And that's how rock, paper scissors was invented.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then what do you say in the blood diamond accent?

[Matt Lieb]

I say, are you Chris? You get full baby voice. Fall down. Maybe I just go to them government, huh? Leave them. Government gonna pay me, huh?

[Dave Anthony]

It's so bad. It's so upsetting. It's just upsetting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I bet the movie's over two hours.

[Matt Lieb]

It's so long. It's so long.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I bet it's like 2 hours and 30 minutes.

[Matt Lieb]

But it's 2. It's like 2 action packed hours of the strangest South African accent you've ever heard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Offensive. Not done yet. He's doing this in between projects so he doesn't have time to get it. Exactly.

[Matt Lieb]

He's just going to do like a weird thing. Don't worry about what he's going to do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not going to be white. And that's what matters.

[Dave Anthony]

We're still on this story, by the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

As his little kingdom is rich in guano, his purchase promises to be a profitable one. Yeah, Batpu, he's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But that used to actually be valuable.

[Dave Anthony]

Big money, yo. Yeah, it was big money.

[Matt Lieb]

What do you do with it?

[Dave Anthony]

You get. I think I. From my understanding is. Is you. You ship it to America and then they put it into little boxes and then you buy one and you can put it. You Cram it in someone's mouth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm gonna go ahead and say, I don't believe that Dave's.

[Dave Anthony]

No, that's true. It was called mouth guano for a while, but they like any. If you didn't agree with someone during a discussion, you could take out your back guano and cram it in their mouth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But didn't it have. It had an actual purpose. There was like, that's a fertilizer.

[Matt Lieb]

I don't see how that's not a purpose.

[Dave Anthony]

What's. Yeah, that's a purpose. Is that not a purpose?

[Matt Lieb]

No, you just describe the purpose to you and you're just like, oh, but why do you use it? I don't know. Listen, maybe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right.

[Matt Lieb]

It's weird that you have headphones and you don't listen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think that it's getting aggressive. But you are right, the point is taken.

[Dave Anthony]

But are you saying alternative purposes? Like secondary purposes?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, no. Well, you could do that with so many. What makes it specific to.

[Dave Anthony]

Some people would use it for fertilizer, but the main purpose was to stop arguments.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. All right. Well, I wish we had a little now. Honestly, I feel like, like I've been sort of cornered and I'd love to pop a couple guanos in a couple of traps, to be honest with you.

[Matt Lieb]

I got an easier idea, I don't think. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no.

[Dave Anthony]

Get a rock.

[Matt Lieb]

Get a rock.

[Dave Anthony]

Get a rock.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Suck most musical episode.

[Matt Lieb]

Get a rock. I forgot I had a soundboard on, on my travel. On my, on my travel recorder.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't believe we're only finding this out at the very end. We could have.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah, I could have been soundboarding this whole time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. All right, well, why don't we, why don't we. Let's end with Dave. If you have a sound effect, a story where Matt can really bring.

[Dave Anthony]

I haven't even finished this one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know, but it's dead.

[Matt Lieb]

I, I, Are you sure? I mean, what's going. Does it end getting eaten by the rats? Were there?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, of course, there is nothing to prevent his returning to civilization at any time, but he seems to prefer to stay where he is. And who shall say that Mr. Morris is not one of the happiest men in the world today? He's got slaves and shit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, man, I really thought you were still on article.

[Dave Anthony]

No, wait, wait.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Slaves and shit.

[Matt Lieb]

But wait, but. So I would like to know what happened with that island man. That, that, that seems like something where a follow up is incredibly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do we have a name of the island?

[Matt Lieb]

Well, his name was Morse. What is his name?

[Dave Anthony]

Morse? Yeah.

[Matt Lieb]

What's his first name?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Morris. Like code or Morris.

[Dave Anthony]

It doesn't say his first name, but.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you spelling it M O, R, S E or M O, R, R?

[Dave Anthony]

It just says J, H. It's M O R S E J.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Select the code.

[Dave Anthony]

Morse. Island man is what I think. Technical term. I think.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah. Island boy. Island boy. Is this the first island boy? He's gonna suck his brother off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I forgot about those guys. I don't see anything.

[Matt Lieb]

You think he's real? I bet he's real, though.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where's the island man? Yeah, I don't. I don't know. I don't see anything. You know, maybe they deleted him for.

[Matt Lieb]

This is a really old newspaper. People could just make up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's true too. We. We actually, I think we had one of those where it was just like. We were like. As we got like halfway through, we're like, I don't. Did this really happen? Like, yeah. That man made a flute out of a huge tree and a wizard fell from it. And we were like, okay.

[Matt Lieb]

Now they've like, come on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is getting a little far fetched. This is page three.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Come on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you have a sound effect? The last one, Dave. Maybe. I mean, we really should take advantage.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Washing out the stomach.

[Matt Lieb]

Thing is, I didn't know what sound it was going to be.

[Dave Anthony]

That's right. That's right. During the past year, several physicians in New York have tried, with a gratifying success, a novel treatment for dyspepsia and cancer of the stomach. By washing out that organization.

[Matt Lieb]

And they still do it to this day. Well, you put a broom down this throat and you just kind of. You let the bristles sweep out all the cancer. Yes.

[Dave Anthony]

Sweep the tum tums.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's called sweeping.

[Dave Anthony]

The process is very simple and not dangerous. A long flexible pipe is passed down the throat until one end is in the stomach.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

The upper end has a funnel attached to. To it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Dave Anthony]

Into which hot water is poured until the stomach is filled.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. What are they making? Pate. Oh, my God.

[Matt Lieb]

Medicine back in the days was just like, just try, man. Like, let's just go for it. Oh, you got.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was like. And then what? You were like. Then you put a bunch of hot water.

[Matt Lieb]

Then we. Then we see. I don't know, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Then we brought them from the inside out.

[Dave Anthony]

Ah, you're probably dead. You've scalded all the inside parts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, yeah. That's where you're just like, what happened? Well, he didn't make it, but he's. There's no cancer. There's no anything.

[Matt Lieb]

Yes. I mean, what was the other option? Let him die?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Figure it out.

[Matt Lieb]

Remove it.

[Dave Anthony]

The pipe has an aperture big enough to hold a lead pencil after the stomach. I don't know why they said that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's got a little lead involved.

[Matt Lieb]

Pencil in there, Put a little lead in there. See what happens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Tell us a little mercury inside.

[Dave Anthony]

I have a question. Do you think we could write inside the stomach?

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're gonna try. We're gonna do everything we can.

[Matt Lieb]

I'm going to. I'm going to sign my work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look at that. There we are.

[Dave Anthony]

What did you sign? It says.

[Matt Lieb]

Dr. Commander Zero.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dr. Commander Zero.

[Dave Anthony]

After the stomach has been filled, the funnel end of the pipe is turned down until it was lower than the bottom of the stomach. And the stomach is emptied as a barrel of any fluid is emptied through a siphon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Matt Lieb]

We flip them upside down. Well, we're gonna shake them a little bit too, to make sure it gets.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nice and fried, just like anything else you fill up.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah, you're gonna shake it and then.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's not doing great.

[Matt Lieb]

Get the monk, the muck and the gunk out of there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, he's not doing great. That was a live. That was organ.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah. Oh, boy. You think you need. You think he needs that?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, he needs some of that liver. Yeah, he was. He had a lot of bad in him.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, the process. The process may be repeated several times. The result.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hold on. Once is not enough. Okay. You're probably thinking, that's plenty. Four or five times is what you got to go with. Get it right.

[Dave Anthony]

There was.

[Matt Lieb]

Oh, you still have cancer. That's because you only did it once.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you still are gunky, my man.

[Matt Lieb]

Yes.

[Dave Anthony]

You can do it 75, 100 times, I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There we go.

[Matt Lieb]

Proper. The cancer. I just came back. The cancer spreading. Well, what are you doing? Well, you must be doing something between.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are you doing? Are you gunking at home?

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah. You're just putting random gunk in there, aren't you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you eating cancer, boy? That's our theory.

[Dave Anthony]

We have a new cure called waterboarding. Here we are.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There you go.

[Matt Lieb]

What is dead may never die. Just half drown you.

[Dave Anthony]

The result is that the undigested food and mucus are washed out. And the hot water closes the blood vessels and reduces inflammation.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. Unbelievable.

[Matt Lieb]

Oh, that's right. Some of this is just for a tummy ache.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, well, your husband's no longer sick because he's no longer.

[Matt Lieb]

He's no longer anything, really.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's no longer anything. To be honest with you, I love.

[Dave Anthony]

The idea of using hot to reduce inflammation.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hot to reduce inflammation. To be like, now those blood vessels stop working. Things are pretty good inside.

[Matt Lieb]

Yes.

[Dave Anthony]

Immediately.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Matt Lieb]

Yes. The relief from this mortal coil is immediate.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The remote from breathing.

[Matt Lieb]

No more pain.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No more anything. No more nothing.

[Matt Lieb]

No more piles of laundry. No more armies of dead rats you tried to control with strychnine because you misread the label. No more nothing. No more just. That's it. Just one more dirty body.

[Dave Anthony]

The dyspeptic may have his stomach washed out before a meal so that he can take a fresh start.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, guess who's hungry?

[Dave Anthony]

Are you ready for a steak?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, coughing up my heart sure made me want pasta.

[Dave Anthony]

Welcome to Olive Garden. We do it differently.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. What's better than never ending breadsticks? Never beginning.

[Dave Anthony]

After the lapse of a sufficient time for ordinary digestion, the stomach may be washed out again. This process has been in use at New York Hospital for some time. And this is really good American.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's really good.

[Dave Anthony]

Scientific American wrote that it works.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Matt, do you have a sound effect to end that article? Maybe. Okay. Feels like. Feels like we've done all our sound effect effects. Oh, that. It sounded like water. But it was applause.

[Matt Lieb]

It was applause.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, Matt, thank you for joining us. Where can people follow you? We are big fans of the videos that crush for you, which is where you are just either mocking the policies of our government or you skewer very well. Where can people follow you in all?

[Matt Lieb]

You can follow me over on Instagram atlebjokes or you can follow me on Twitter or formerly the X the everything app. Mattlieb. I'm still there. I'm going to leave.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So are we.

[Matt Lieb]

Oh, I forgot. I have one more plug to do. If you like me and my wife Francesca Fiorentini, then you're gonna love me and Francesca Fiorentini doing stand up comedy. We're gonna be co headlining Cobbs in San Francisco on May 7th. So please get your tickets now. If you are in San Francisco or the San Francisco Bay area and you want to see some comedy on a Wednesday, then come out to Cobbs Comedy Club over in north beach in San Francisco. It's gonna be super fun. Yeah. Get your tickets now. You can find them on my social media or you know, by googling Mattlieb Francesca Fiorentini, Cobb's Comedy Club. We'll see you May 7th. And then I'm on Blue sky with, you know, hanging out with the. The Libs at Matt Lieb. You can find me there. And yeah, I'm also on Blue Sky. Listen to my podcast.

[Dave Anthony]

We're all on Blue Sky.

[Matt Lieb]

We love Blue Sky.

[Dave Anthony]

It's a play. It's the last refuge, the last place to go where there aren't just a bunch of apps.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah, it's awesome.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's nice to. It's nice to remember how good we had it with Jack Dorsey.

[Matt Lieb]

I know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Insane Jack Dorsey. Can't just have a co op, can we?

[Matt Lieb]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, thank you, Matt and, and, and Dave. Sorry to hear about your cancellation. That's tough.

[Matt Lieb]

Yeah, that sucks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Some of these days you'll miss me, honey Some of these days. Hey, dollop fans. I know you love the dollop. You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five parter animation, which is actually like a 22 minute episode or 30 minute episode, I can't remember, of the rube, you can go to LakeSide Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the rube. It. It really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one, so go there and watch the rube.