130 - The Past Times with Luke Simmons

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds
Episode 130 - The Past Times with Luke Simmons
Release Date: June 28, 2025

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Introduction

In Episode 130 of The Dollop, hosts Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds welcome guest Luke Simmons to delve into fascinating and quirky historical anecdotes sourced from old newspapers. The trio engages in humorous banter, navigating through various historical mishaps and oddities with their signature comedic flair.

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Setting the Scene

00:04 - Gareth Reynolds kicks off the episode by introducing the format: each week, they examine an old newspaper from a randomly selected historical date chosen by Dave Anthony. He humorously notes, “I've never seen it before. And neither is our guest this week, the great Luke Simmons.”

00:21 - Luke Simmons joins in, leading to playful interactions about their current location in a van at Inspiration Point in San Francisco. Gareth quips about Luke’s rough day, mentioning incidents like putting oats in the toilet and dropping an enamel cup out of the van.

Tour Troubles and Mishaps

00:59 - The conversation shifts to discussing tour mishaps. Gareth shares a favorite story about technical difficulties during a live show where Dave misses dropping scrambled eggs onto a table, resulting in a comedic stage stumble. Luke humorously remarks, “You can't make an omelette without spilling a few eggs” (02:30), highlighting the chaotic yet entertaining nature of their tours.

Aldeen Eagle: Newspaper Segment

03:14 - Moving into the main segment, Dave introduces this week’s newspaper: the Alden Eagle from Alden, Minnesota, dated January 23, 1880. The hosts engage in a playful guessing game about the publication year, with Gareth ultimately winning by correctly identifying it as 1880.

04:14 - They delve into an article from the Hastings Gazette discussing a frustrated newspaper man contemplating suicide by benzene after his efforts to produce a quality paper are unappreciated. Luke laments, “Before they had Facebook, people had to angrily post in the newspaper they ran,” (04:48), connecting past and present media frustrations.

Carriage Chaos in Wheeling, Virginia

06:27 - The hosts transition to another newspaper piece about a carriage accident in Wheeling, Virginia. Gareth humorously punning, “Don't enter Wheeling if you don't want control of your wheels,” (06:37), sets the tone for their comedic analysis.

07:00 - The story narrates how a “choice girl” was nearly thrown from a runaway carriage but was saved by the driver catching her, preventing a fatal plunge. Luke adds flair with dark humor, suggesting, “Hey, baby. I'd like to throw myself down your precipice,” (10:11), blending irony with wit.

Flying Machines and Local News

20:31 - The conversation takes an inventive turn as Dave introduces a story about a Michigan man’s flying machine. Gareth expresses excitement, “Now we're talking,” (20:38), sparking a humorous discussion about the machine’s defect—its inability to carry a person.

21:16 - Luke contributes absurd solutions, including shrinking passengers or involving squirrels, leading to laughter and imaginative banter about unconventional flying methods.

Criminal Calendar and Satirical Reports

28:43 - The hosts explore the "Criminal Calendar," highlighting quirky crimes like masked men assaulting a paymaster with a slung shotgun and the peculiar notion of mailing queen bees. Dave dramatizes the absurdity, while Gareth mocks the impracticality, “If you can mail a queen bee, I'm gonna eat Luke's ass,” (31:35).

32:00 - Luke shares a humorous anecdote about his father encountering a live chicken at a toll booth, which adds to the episode's lighthearted and surreal storytelling style.

Undercover Boss and Effigy Pranks

40:00 - A fictionalized account of a man creating an effigy atop the Washington Monument unfolds, with Luke and Gareth humorously embellishing the narrative. Gareth summarises the prank’s intent: “They set it up to make them think a guy's dead up there,” (44:47), blending slapstick comedy with satire.

Maxims and Practical Advice Parody

46:24 - The trio parodies old newspaper health maxims, with Luke humorously misinterpreting advice like “Remove insects from the ear by tepid water,” (48:03), leading to exaggerated and nonsensical suggestions.

Final Stories and Closing Banter

50:09 - They wrap up with a satirical take on a fictional professor’s dire outlook on Earth’s demise, delivered in a Trump-like speech. Dave delivers the parody with gusto, encapsulating the episode's blend of historical oddities and comedic interpretation.

57:13 - In their closing remarks, Gareth promotes his stand-up tour locations, humorously lamenting the challenges of hosting the podcast amidst golfing chaos and Luke’s antics, such as accidentally “sawing the head off a Cabbage Patch Kid” (57:27).

58:12 - The episode concludes with light-hearted farewells, reinforcing the camaraderie and comedic spirit that defines The Dollop.

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Notable Quotes

• Gareth Reynolds [00:23]: "We're in a van. Some would call it a park, sort of."
• Gareth Reynolds [03:14]: "I had a feeling."
• Luke Simmons [04:48]: "Before they had Facebook, people had to angrily post in the newspaper they ran."
• Gareth Reynolds [06:37]: "Don't enter Wheeling if you don't want control of your wheels."
• Luke Simmons [10:11]: "Hey, baby. I'd like to throw myself down your precipice."
• Gareth Reynolds [20:38]: "Now we're talking."
• Gareth Reynolds [31:35]: "If you can mail a queen bee, I'm gonna eat Luke's ass."
• Dave Anthony [44:47]: "Breathe blows through."
• Gareth Reynolds [50:57]: "That's how Luke goes."
• Dave Anthony [51:00]: "Listen here. Don't you do anything of the kind."

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Conclusion

Episode 130 of The Dollop with guest Luke Simmons offers a delightful mix of historical oddities and comedic storytelling. Through their engaging discussions and witty exchanges, Dave Anthony, Gareth Reynolds, and Luke Simmons bring old newspaper tales to life, making history both entertaining and memorable for their audience.

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Additional Information

For those interested in following Gareth Reynolds' stand-up tour, visit garethreynolds.com to find show dates and locations across the United States, including performances in Irvine, Nashville, Lexington, Chattanooga, Alpharetta, Fort Collins, Kansas City, Columbia, Appleton, Chicago, Fort Wayne, and Bozeman.

Transcript

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast. Each week, we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before. And neither is our guest this week, the great Luke Simmons.

[Luke Simmons]

Hi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi, Luke.

[Luke Simmons]

Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're in a van.

[Luke Simmons]

We are in the van. Some would call it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're in a park, sort of.

[Dave Anthony]

We're at Inspiration Point in San Francisco.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, Right.

[Dave Anthony]

So.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you're pissed us. You pissed about it? Yeah. Don't dox us.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm not doxxing you now everyone's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. Look at all the people.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, God.

[Luke Simmons]

Showing up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Luke, you've been a train wreck today so far. You put oats in the toilet and missed it a lot. You dropped something out of the van a minute ago and you made a crazy sound, and I just said no. Yeah, yep, that'll do.

[Luke Simmons]

It was okay. That was just a enamel cup.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What would you say has been your biggest stumble on this tour? Because there's been a lot. And then we can give you ours.

[Luke Simmons]

That's a great question.

[Dave Anthony]

It shouldn't take that long.

[Luke Simmons]

Pretty smooth sailing, honestly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, Dave, go ahead.

[Dave Anthony]

What was the eggs?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dave's was the eggs. Are you now. What was that? What happened?

[Dave Anthony]

He came into a hotel room and he had the cart to bring all the bags and stuff out. And in his other hand, he had stopped by the breakfast bar and gotten a bowl of scrambled eggs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Huge bowl.

[Dave Anthony]

And he went to put it on the table, but he missed the table by, like six inches.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then the eggs. What happened on the ground? My favorite was when we were having some technical difficulties and on stage during a live show at the beginning in maybe Portland, might have been Seattle, I can't remember. But either way, he was. He was there. And he. He, He. He came on stage and he just swapped out the HDMI three times, and nothing was working. And we were kind of like spying out the hdmi and then someone else completely fixed it. But while that was all going on, as he was walking off stage, he tripped over the wire connected to the computer, and the computer got tugged off of the table.

[Luke Simmons]

Not off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, off. No, off. I caught it.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Luke Simmons]

So it stayed on because you grabbed it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was off the table. It was off the table.

[Luke Simmons]

Teamwork.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Making the dream off the table. And then he came out and did champion hands. Like he had done something I did.

[Luke Simmons]

I kept people thinking that work was getting done on the wire situation with my busyness. I like to feel like, people like to feel like there's action being taken.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Even if I don't think you know what people feel.

[Luke Simmons]

That's why you have cones out on the roads that are never getting fixed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because it feels like he's doing the thing again. Yeah, he's just filling the world with words that are just as the empty to just take up time. So you're tired.

[Luke Simmons]

You can't make an omelette without spilling a few eggs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Luke is the human equivalent. It's the manifestation of the rope. A dope. He's just going to make you feel tired and want to stop.

[Dave Anthony]

This week's paper is the Alden Eagle from Alden, Minnesota. Now you guys are going to guess the year.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whoa, look at you taking the reins. Luke. Go ahead. Now. I don't know who you're going to. I don't know. Who would you rather get this right or wrong? Luke or. I can't tell.

[Luke Simmons]

Yeah, 19. 19.

[Dave Anthony]

He's wrong.

[Gareth Reynolds]

1902.

[Dave Anthony]

It's 1880. Gareth, you won.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't.

[Luke Simmons]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just got sent.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, look at Dave. I'm so proud of you. What?

[Luke Simmons]

Big Dick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He hates you.

[Dave Anthony]

January 23rd, 1880.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, now, Luke, you realize the guest on this show doesn't say anything.

[Dave Anthony]

I don't know where Alvin.

[Luke Simmons]

Okay, just listen to you guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You listen to me. And you. You could compliment me.

[Luke Simmons]

It's like. It's like being at a live podcast, right?

[Dave Anthony]

Not at all.

[Luke Simmons]

Just like a two one man podcast. Like a private screening.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right. All right, Dave.

[Dave Anthony]

All right, so this is reprinted from the Hastings Gazette.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I had a feeling.

[Dave Anthony]

When a newspaper man hears the remark that his paper doesn't amount to much. After he has worked nine days in the week and racked his imagination all to slivers to produce a good paper, he feels like turning the business over to his mother in law. And after due meditation, resolves to drown himself in a cup of benzene.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. What is this? Is it the first article?

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[Luke Simmons]

I like that. Before they had Facebook, people had to angrily post in the newspaper they ran. Nobody appreciates the newspaper guy, so I guess he'll just kill himself with his mother in law.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Targeted to the mother in law is great. She probably read that paper. Was like, frank is gone. He's absolutely nuts. Deb, you have to leave him. And by the by, so. Okay. Seems aggressive.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's very aggressive.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Next. Next article.

[Luke Simmons]

There's no follow up?

[Dave Anthony]

No, there's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What would the follow up be?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, he just. He's just mad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Luke Simmons]

But, like, did they not respond to a particular article?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who?

[Luke Simmons]

The. The readership.

[Dave Anthony]

No, he heard someone. Oh, no. The readership. The guy, the newspaper man overheard someone talking.

[Luke Simmons]

So I want to hear a little bit more about that. The who, what, when, where. We've got the what.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It isn't great reporting.

[Luke Simmons]

Also, like, there's a lot of details.

[Dave Anthony]

Can I point out that Luke doesn't know how newspapers work. You don't get to then request the follow up. It's in print. It's already happened.

[Luke Simmons]

I know, but I'm saying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You want a documentary.

[Luke Simmons]

I see why this newspaper is not doing well.

[Dave Anthony]

How do we know it's not doing well?

[Luke Simmons]

Because the guy's losing his mind. Because people don't like it.

[Dave Anthony]

That's the. But he. He's talking about the Hastings Gazette. That the Alden Eagle did not make this comment. He reprinted it from the Haste Now. He agrees with it. Yeah, he. And he thinks that you should.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree with it.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Shut the up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Enough.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Leave me alone. Let me do my.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I don't need your replies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look, I'm partying. Let me cook.

[Dave Anthony]

A carriage containing Mary Anderson was run away at Wheeling, Virginia. The Choice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wheeling. A carriage ran away at Wheeling.

[Dave Anthony]

Wheeling, Virginia.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't enter Wheeling if you don't want. If you want control of your wheels. Get out of Wheeling.

[Dave Anthony]

I like how you're stuck on Wheeling and the. The choice girl. You just. Should you be calling Girl's choice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. So all those. The one advantage to that time was that you could be like, she's what?

[Dave Anthony]

She's really Choice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's choice.

[Luke Simmons]

I'd like to hit her with my carriage, if you know what I mean.

[Dave Anthony]

Actually, that sounds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What. Sir, what are you. Sir, Two men are having a conversation. What are you doing? What does that mean?

[Luke Simmons]

Sir, have you seen the film Death Proof?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What? He did a death proof joke yesterday.

[Luke Simmons]

I watched Death Proof recently.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's doing. He's trying to work these death proof jokes in. It's not going to hit. What are you going for?

[Dave Anthony]

I forgot about death.

[Luke Simmons]

Have you seen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's Luke's angle.

[Luke Simmons]

You've seen it in the last week.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because Luke watched Death beyond your Luke watch Death Roof. And now he's like, I got more jokes about death. You mean that movie the Bomb that nobody really saw? That's the one I'm doing.

[Luke Simmons]

If you did see it, these jokes would slap like a lady under a carriage, if you know what I'm saying.

[Dave Anthony]

I don't. Again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why does he keep coming over.

[Dave Anthony]

The Choice Girl was thrown out. And only for the guy sees that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He'S like Choice again.

[Dave Anthony]

She. Look at choice. She is on the ground.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nice.

[Dave Anthony]

The choice. Oh boy. The paper went. No, we lost the paper. What? Well, it turns out we need get a good Internet connection here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a good thing we came to this high altitude where there isn't one. Should we move it? Yeah, go down lower altitude.

[Dave Anthony]

I think we want to go that way. All right, that's coming back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, let's take all that.

[Dave Anthony]

But we can just do it while we're.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We could actually do it right now if we want. When we drive to better wi fi.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. The choice girl was thrown.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now we're driving. This is the first time we've done this show. Driving.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go left.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't.

[Luke Simmons]

You could say we're the wheeling podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whoa.

[Dave Anthony]

Why would we say that, Choice?

[Luke Simmons]

Cuz we're wheeling around.

[Dave Anthony]

I would. I wouldn't call that jogging.

[Gareth Reynolds]

For Wheel.

[Dave Anthony]

The choice girl was thrown out and only.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Put your seat belt on.

[Dave Anthony]

This is crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is not okay.

[Dave Anthony]

And the choice girl was thrown out and only for the fact that the driver caught her in his arms. She would have been thrown down a precipice and smashed as flat as a piece of blotting paper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's a lot going. I. I never realized precipice was like what an edge.

[Dave Anthony]

It's just like a spot. A precipice is something you get like a cliff. Like a type of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've never heard of it like that. I've always heard of a precipice. I mean it makes sense. Okay, any. And then what did she fall down?

[Dave Anthony]

Like the Internet's better here. I should just park in here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What did she fall down like a piece of blott paper?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, no, she would have, but he carried the driver, caught her in his arms.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I feel like it was set up. I feel like this guy set it up so that he could seem like a hero.

[Luke Simmons]

Sounds sort of romantic. It's like a street cute in romcom terms.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So here. Here's what just happened. And I'm going to tell you why it happened. I'm going to tell you why I'm okay with it. It's a good pun. And he just took time to. To let it kind of cook and I liked it. Dave, thoughts on the street cute?

[Dave Anthony]

I. Yeah, I'm fine with saying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because he by later that night, it was probably a skeet cute.

[Dave Anthony]

He used some. He used some fun language.

[Luke Simmons]

Hey, baby. I'd like to throw myself down your precipice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Push that.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, choice. You'll have to edit that out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, most of this will be edited out.

[Dave Anthony]

We have. We rather. We had rather drive team at Wheeling, Virginia.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who's talking?

[Dave Anthony]

I'd rather drive team at. So that doesn't make sense. We had rather drive team at Wheeling, Virginia than to dwell in the tent of the wicked. Okay, this is the same.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's happening. This is the same article.

[Dave Anthony]

This is the. We just left the part where he says the girl was saved, and then.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He tent of the wicked open for Lamb of God when I saw him. They're great.

[Dave Anthony]

Great Goodness. Why does all this fool luck happen to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who's this guy? A prospector just took over the paper. Oh, boy.

[Luke Simmons]

It feels like the. There's now a quote from the lady who hit her head a bit before she got pulled back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She didn't hit her head.

[Luke Simmons]

Well, he's. They said he grabbed her, but they didn't say whether or not she was buffeted about the wheels.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think she hit her head after he caught her. I think that would come up.

[Dave Anthony]

Can we just say now we're looking at a golf course and beautiful. There's a guy in the Scottish Highlands over here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's beautiful. What's happened here? This has worked out great here.

[Luke Simmons]

We can do this. Look at this. The world's most interactive podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is happening?

[Dave Anthony]

What are you doing, Luke?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Audio is pretty important. Jeez. Go. Go away.

[Luke Simmons]

That didn't work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, Luke, go.

[Luke Simmons]

Why would you.

[Dave Anthony]

Why would you think that it would work?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. I encourage everyone to go to Patreon for the nightmare.

[Dave Anthony]

Have you ever met you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What does that look. Go back to the back, boy.

[Dave Anthony]

Have you ever met me? When you try to do something midstream that works.

[Luke Simmons]

I've tried it in the past and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It'S happened without tape. Luke would be lost the amount of tape he uses in his life.

[Luke Simmons]

Doing a video now on my angle so they can see the golf course.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's record the podcast, Luke. Let's record the podcast part.

[Luke Simmons]

They're getting a big treat. They get to see how the sausage is made. The sausage boys.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm not sure this is a good idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know it wasn't great.

[Dave Anthony]

Goodness. Why does all this fool luck happen to obscure individuals who probably don't know enough to enjoy it. So they're saying that what happened to this young lady was enjoyable because she got caught.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Dave Anthony]

But it doesn't. It seemed like it would still be bad.

[Luke Simmons]

Well, she's complaining when she should just be happy that a handsome man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's not even saying.

[Dave Anthony]

But the carriage ran away and then it crashed and she got saved. Yeah, it's not a good experience.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not a good experience, but it's better than her crashing. But the men don't see it like that.

[Luke Simmons]

You sound like the kind of individuals who don't appreciate this. Great good luck.

[Dave Anthony]

That's fair. Applicable to any community. The following communication addressed to the editors of the HOKA Herald is not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This paper's insane.

[Dave Anthony]

It's insane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's. I don't really understand. Most of it so far is not.

[Dave Anthony]

Signed by our old friend Nemo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's going on? So is this just like a bulletin board in a cafe? In like a cafe where people are just talking? I don't name out you Nemo. My mother in law's a real. See you next Thursday.

[Luke Simmons]

I saw a carriage crash, but the lady got caught.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go back.

[Luke Simmons]

I'm fixing it.

[Dave Anthony]

What are you doing now?

[Luke Simmons]

Just tilting it down a little so you can get a little more to the body. Yada for the fans.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, it is good enough to be read here and everywhere. Quote, there are three or four things says the correspondent, which to a stranger are special indications of intelligence and culture and the citizens of any village. Good fences and attractive front yards. So if you see good fences and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Attractive yards, you know that that front yard is choice.

[Dave Anthony]

It's a smart culture and community.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Excuse me, sir. What are you doing? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I'm salt burning. Oh yeah, sir.

[Luke Simmons]

And that ironically for where we are, is how golf started.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Show though. So the good fences, attractive front yard show culture and home comforts within good sidewalks, good school buildings, good hotel accommodations, comfortable cozy churches and a well cared for cemetery indicate general public intelligence and refined tastes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I got. Don't go around the America of today. You will not be happy that every 76 has an Arby's now. Well, that it's such a simple time to be like, that's what matters. A nice yard, good streets, good school. It's like, yeah, no shit.

[Dave Anthony]

They're saying you take care of your community. Okay, like you plan well, which you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Should, but America, like, when was the last time anyone was like. I mean that just is so far from. As we drive through America quite often. It's great. It's not in a good spot, if that. If that's your metric.

[Dave Anthony]

I am glad you are disposed to agitate the subject of better church accommodations in our thriving little city. A fenceless, dilapidated church, weather beaten and Black weather. Not if but weather is in. The weather has done. It's. You know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What would you say is the point of this paper?

[Dave Anthony]

So we're getting to it. Weather beaten in black with the windows out and the cold in. Carpeted only with a nut brown thick three ply carpet of tobacco juice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you promised me some clarity soon. And then. What are you doing?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, we're chitting on the church right now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Indicate a state of barbarism in the. I mean you shouldn't have tobacco juice all over your church.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I completely disagree. One of the best parts about going to church is how you can just do. You could just do whatever. Spit?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Spit punch.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whack.

[Dave Anthony]

You thinking of a barf? You're thinking of a barf.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Crap.

[Dave Anthony]

You're thinking of a bar hit. It's not a drink you're thinking of.

[Luke Simmons]

Do bumps Sometimes for communion you go up and the priest will just put a little dip under your tongue.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. So you guys aren't thinking of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, one time the priest tried to put the wafer in my mouth and I just started sucking his fingers.

[Luke Simmons]

That's how he became.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then I looked, I looked into his eyes and I said, oh, sorry. I guess I misunderstood. And I waked and I sashayed away and then I went into the confessional room. But I did the sort of the like beckon finger.

[Luke Simmons]

Come hither.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I went come hither.

[Dave Anthony]

You guys are thinking of a church. No. You're thinking of a biker clubhouse.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nah, it's church.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where a guy named Scar runs the place.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, that's a bike club.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, okay. Sorry.

[Luke Simmons]

It's Father Scar.

[Dave Anthony]

Indicate a state of barbarism in the community far worse than that found in the once cannibal islands. The custom of bringing dogs to church which have no souls to save to the. I think you should be able to dogs 100. You should absolutely bring it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who's that? And by the way, have you never met a sinner dog? Some of those dogs.

[Dave Anthony]

Some dogs are really bad boys.

[Luke Simmons]

It feels like a chicken and the egg where. If you're not bringing the dogs to church, how are they supposed to be saved? You know, there's. He's saying dogs don't can't be saved.

[Dave Anthony]

They have no souls.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I gotta. I got a pitch.

[Dave Anthony]

I disagree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That dog church. Yeah, we should come up with dog church.

[Dave Anthony]

People would flock to dog church. If there was a church. You could bring your dog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're just like, yeah, we're gonna absolve your dogs of sin.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Could Be. I really think that. I really think there are parts of California where that would work.

[Dave Anthony]

Hamster church.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I don't. Let's sidebar. Because dog church feels like it has reach. And then what you're doing in success.

[Dave Anthony]

Maybe skunk church.

[Luke Simmons]

They're gonna get real upset when they find out who the priest is molesting a dog church. Diddling doodles. We were talking about that earlier, right, Dave?

[Dave Anthony]

I don't know if we were.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, Luke, this show shouldn't just be callbacks of times off the pod.

[Luke Simmons]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's try to make it self contained.

[Luke Simmons]

Sorry, I don't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

It shouldn't be stuff that Luke was just saying in the back of the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Luke's doing callbacks to stuff that bombed on his own. He's like, remember that?

[Luke Simmons]

Nobody can guess what I meant when I said Dave Diddles. Doodles.

[Dave Anthony]

Which have no souls to save to the noise of good people who have souls might possibly be tolerated among heathen during their civilizing process. But no longer popping paper balls. Silly happening, Silly giggling and poppin J behavior in God's house. Poppin J in God's house. Is that a breakdancer bespeaks a want of civilization which Christian heathen would never be guilty of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is I really. The point of that is make church nice, I think.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Like, let's clean it up. Let's not have a shitty church. I think is what he said.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Because it's dirty and it doesn't have a fence.

[Dave Anthony]

But the dogs thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dog church is huge. Dog church is huge. Dog church could be really big for.

[Dave Anthony]

This show because sometimes they do outside churches, but inside church with dogs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. A dog church.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Should be. I would go to dog church.

[Dave Anthony]

I would go to dog church, too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Luke Simmons]

Tire choirs. Just dogs howling along to the. The organ.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's maybe.

[Dave Anthony]

I guess that seems a little annoying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's gonna be. That does take it in a new direction. I was thinking it would be like a regular, like, church. And they're just like, a preacher. There's doctors and. Yeah. And the preacher. Yeah. Right.

[Luke Simmons]

You're gonna start like an ecclesiastical war calling one church regular. There's a lot of singing churches who people think are just regular, like, oh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I feel like you're trying to walk away from your dogs are in the choir.

[Luke Simmons]

I love dogs in the choir.

[Dave Anthony]

I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I remember you said it all.

[Luke Simmons]

Dog singing choir.

[Dave Anthony]

I think he's trying to back it, but using a crazy justification.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's probably. That's a Luke angle.

[Luke Simmons]

You're Gonna start the dog troubles throwing trash accusations that singing dog churches are not regular.

[Dave Anthony]

You know, that guy shanked that so fucking bad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I didn't think you'd be able to give I didn't think you'd be able to give the listeners the Drew Luke experience. Experience while I'm confused and tired and. And. But you're still going. And. But I think you've done a pretty good job so far.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where I'm, like, a little lost. I don't know what to do. But you still seem more confident than ever in everything.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. If people don't understand, this is what it's like driving in the van with Luke, it's just. He just goes on tangents and you're like, oh, yeah. I'm not gonna respond.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You just. And not responding to him as like, they want me to go further. Yeah.

[Luke Simmons]

The green light.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

A Michigan man has actually invented a flying machine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now we're talking.

[Luke Simmons]

We're back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Holy, that was close. This episode. I was checking the ratings over bad, but now we're back.

[Dave Anthony]

Are we?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Flying machine.

[Dave Anthony]

And the only defect that can be discovered. It's working.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on.

[Dave Anthony]

Is that a person cannot fly with it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's a bummer. So you made a bird.

[Dave Anthony]

I made a paper airplane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You made a bird that. Okay.

[Luke Simmons]

It's a drone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. You made a drone.

[Dave Anthony]

So the defect, it is believed, can be remedied.

[Luke Simmons]

Well, smaller people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm recreating a gun to shrink the passengers.

[Luke Simmons]

We think once we find a baby willing to serve as pilot, we should be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've made a flying machine for squirrels. It'll be perfect.

[Luke Simmons]

Unfortunately, local mothers refused to aid the course of science. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We were watching a guy look for his body.

[Dave Anthony]

It's way over that way. Oh, he's just gonna. He. He's gonna cheat right out of his pocket.

[Luke Simmons]

The son of a.

[Dave Anthony]

You'll watch this guy cheat. Good goodness. That was dense fog yesterday morning. You couldn't recognize a person six feet off. A man might be walking along the street and come right up face to face with a man he owes. We prefer any kind of weather to fog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is this in reference to? The flying machine?

[Dave Anthony]

The guy almost hit the van.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is the flying machine stuff.

[Dave Anthony]

This is the next story.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, okay.

[Dave Anthony]

He. Wait. The next story after the flying machine started.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

To be continued, I believe it's called. Or no.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, Luke would like to know everything about where this story goes, please.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, so he just took it out of the rough. He didn't cheat or he did. Oh, he just put it. But that guy's really bad at golf.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, I should remind you guys that we are doing a podcast. As far as what people's expectations are of the show, it's probably to do the thing.

[Dave Anthony]

So he's gonna try and hit it out of the sand.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but they can't see him. But nobody can see him or him.

[Dave Anthony]

They're both in sand.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, I'm looking at him and I don't give a shit.

[Dave Anthony]

Now this guy's come over the van because he almost hit the man with his belt.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I again, couldn't care less.

[Dave Anthony]

A man who had $65 stolen from him received a note with $25 saying, I stole your money.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like that.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So. So they just gave him $40 less?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, remorse gnaws at my cautions.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I feel bad, so I'll take the 40 and I.

[Dave Anthony]

He can't find his ball. We could help him out. I could help him out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I think we just.

[Dave Anthony]

It's right here. Maybe do the podcast and I send some of it back when it gnaws again. I'll send you some more.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So he's paying a gnawing fee. He's got a gnaw tax.

[Dave Anthony]

So that guy just left without his ball. So I can go steal his ball when they leave?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. So.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So there's just a tag.

[Dave Anthony]

But why keep the money if you're.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's how loans should work. When it bothers you, you just drop a little money that way. Yeah, you just throw a little money back at the. At the place that lent you the money.

[Dave Anthony]

It feels weird that I took all this money and not paying you anything.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Robbing. Starting to give it back by feeling bad. I don't feel right about this.

[Dave Anthony]

Doing without his beer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now we're talking.

[Dave Anthony]

Thousands of workmen toil to keep some rich, some brewer rich. Or clothe the wives of rum sellers in silk white, their own, while their own wives dress in cheap calico.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So they're saying, that.

[Luke Simmons]

Sounds like a Karl Marx brewery kind of vibes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But wait, wait. It's because they're making money off of their alcohol and they're dressing nice, and then their wives are dressing like, you know, not. They're not getting a slice of that.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

To. To such we commend this antidote. Anecdote.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was hoping it would be antidote.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, that'd be so much better.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We've come up with a potion to make you see women as equals.

[Dave Anthony]

It's the Only way in England. There was a man named William Bailey who once had been a. Is William.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, every man in England at this time was named William Bailey.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not a lot of people know that.

[Dave Anthony]

That's right. Who had once been a farm laborer and who now owns an establishment whose business amounts to thousands and thousands of dollars.

[Luke Simmons]

They make a cream liqueur.

[Dave Anthony]

What just happened?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know.

[Luke Simmons]

Bailey's Irish cream.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ah. Boom. Suck it, Dave.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, that was because we had moved on, but now I get it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, had.

[Luke Simmons]

We were still talking about all the Baileys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Some years ago, this man. So it's a rich guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It'd be great if every guest got the business that Luke gets. They'd be like, I don't want to do this show anymore. I don't like your joke. Just there. I didn't care for that one. Defend your joke. Defend your joke.

[Dave Anthony]

So he. He used to be working class. Now he's rich, Right. Some years ago, this man happened to cross a wheat field and saw some laborers at work mowing. He was dressed in a fine suit of black, but walked over among the laborers and asked one of them if he might be allowed to mow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And this is a story of him being good.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, the man said yes. And Bailey took a scythe and began to work. He had.

[Luke Simmons]

He cut off the laborer's leg.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes. Keep slashing. The man just keeps.

[Luke Simmons]

Oops.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, boy.

[Dave Anthony]

Those men are dead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He comes back. He's good. I tried to work a day as a man. We need new gardeners.

[Luke Simmons]

As it happens, I found some new clients for my prosthetic limb business, which is booming.

[Dave Anthony]

He had not been long engaged when one of the laborers said, in some surprise, nunning his attire and deeming him a wealthy gentleman. Why, you have mowed before. Yes, I have. Bailey responded. And I used at one time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is. This is pathetic. And this is like, when I see valets, this is what I'm like. Because I used to valet, and I loved it. So when I see valets, I'm like, you guys do a lot of what are Friday's Wild. And I'm like, what? I'm like, how the. Friday's here? What do you got a lot? Or you guys street Parker? And they're like, we park it all over there. I'm like, I could get hairy, you know, I remember first time I drove a Prius, I didn't think the damn thing was starting. And they're like, all right, dude. I'm like, all right. Well, you Boys, keep your nose clean. Hey, I know I didn't. All right, fellas.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes, I have. And I used to at one time drink beer regularly when I did.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fuck you.

[Dave Anthony]

So he used to get shit faced while he did this, right? Fine. You can do this work drunk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's called mowing and plowing.

[Dave Anthony]

But while I was mowing one day and drinking my beer, the idea suddenly came to me that I could mow just as well without beer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is. This is such an 1890s revelation. I realized alcohol didn't need to be involved in everything.

[Dave Anthony]

I don't have to be drunk to work, I said to myself.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Getting hammered to mo on the next.

[Luke Simmons]

Installment of Ye Undercover Boss.

[Dave Anthony]

It says undercover boss. Oh, I couldn't work without beer, interrupted one of the laborers. I could never get on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's amazing. He might work. You're fired.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, well, continued Bailey. After I began to mow without beer, I soon discovered that I could get on without mowing altogether.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love that he's quitting mowing.

[Dave Anthony]

We should like that. Very well, said the laborers. Oh, no, returned Bailey. You cannot do without your beer. And you will go on mowing all your lives without doing anything better. What the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I really don't know shit out of.

[Luke Simmons]

This guy in the field.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't understand the what. His point after all of that was like, oh, you are trash, man.

[Luke Simmons]

And I'm a better sort. You guys are good day garbage. They've all got scythes like, cut it. Cut his ass.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, it'd be great. That was like that woman at the show the other night who showed us that pamphlet. And it was to make a guillotine. And it was. It was just like how to make a lemonade stand.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, yeah, and it's pictures of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like a lemon. It's supposed to be a quote unquote, lemon cutter.

[Dave Anthony]

You gotta post that. The criminal calendar.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is good. I like the criminal calendar. As Happy looters day.

[Dave Anthony]

As E.B. wells, paymaster of Southside Gaslight and Coke Co. Was riding along Deering Street, Chicago, on the 16th in a buggy, three masked men assaulted him, knocking him senseless with a slung shot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Slung shot.

[Dave Anthony]

It's gotta be slingshot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but they're past tense.

[Dave Anthony]

Secured 4000 in gold and silver and escaped in a buggy taken from in front of a grocery store in which its owner was trading. So they did. They did a robbery and a carjacking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, a wagon jacking.

[Dave Anthony]

That's good. I mean, twofer. Yeah, I'm on their side.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's.

[Dave Anthony]

I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's not enough context. But I do like that your gut is to always go with the criminals.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, well, they've got. He's got enough money. He can. He's also the paymaster. It's not his cash.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Dave Anthony]

Postmaster General Key has decided that queen bees shall not be kept from the males.

[Luke Simmons]

A lot of these stories.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you know what that.

[Dave Anthony]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you have any idea what he just said?

[Luke Simmons]

Some guy got robbed twice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no. The queen master the last.

[Luke Simmons]

Yeah, but then he jumped over to the post.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now it's the postmaster who's now in.

[Luke Simmons]

Charge of the bees.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The queen bee.

[Dave Anthony]

No, he's saying what can be mailed. And in this case, he's saying, yes, he will allow you to send in the mail a queen bee.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shut up.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is not true.

[Dave Anthony]

That's exactly what it is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That can't be true.

[Dave Anthony]

Why would it be true?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What the. Fire this, man.

[Dave Anthony]

You know that's how you get chickens in America, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

After much deliberation, I've decided you can male bees, but not male bees. Only female bees.

[Dave Anthony]

One female bee.

[Gareth Reynolds]

One female bee at a time, by the way, that the colony is like, what the fuck?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, I think that's why they were worried about Malium, because they'll follow. That could get pretty crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That would be hysterical because it's not like a whole bunch of bees that.

[Luke Simmons]

Seem real interested in this one envelope.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It would be like. It would be like. It would be like when you turn your car on and, like, you realize the mob has put a bomb in your engine. You open the letter and a queen bee comes out. You're like, oh, no.

[Dave Anthony]

But this is before there's cars or anything, so nothing's really moving that fast. So bees could follow you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are you. Are you see this is not what the story is. No, but you can mail bees.

[Dave Anthony]

That's probably their concern.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But you should be able to mail bees because it's mailing a bee.

[Dave Anthony]

You can one time. No, it's a queen bee. And so whatever, it would be followed by the hive.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can't be mailing bees.

[Dave Anthony]

Why not?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because it's too horrid.

[Dave Anthony]

I bet you look it up right now. I bet you can mail a queen bee. I bet that never changed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you can mail a queen bee, I'm gonna eat Luke's ass.

[Dave Anthony]

Because you can still melt chickens.

[Luke Simmons]

Fingers crossed. You have you gotten chickens in the mail? You brought this up now a couple.

[Dave Anthony]

Times I considered it, but I can't have chickens where I live.

[Luke Simmons]

Well, just send it back to somebody else.

[Dave Anthony]

What does that mean?

[Luke Simmons]

Just slap return on sender.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can mail a queen bee.

[Dave Anthony]

I told you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But it's, like, not in an envelope.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, I didn't say it was in an envelope.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I guess I was picturing an envelope.

[Dave Anthony]

What the is wrong with you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I thought it was easier when I.

[Dave Anthony]

Said, you can mail a chicken. Did you think they put that in an envelope also for a minute? Why do you think everything in the mail goes in an envelope?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't. You do. You do. Don't you, Luke. Rough him up.

[Luke Simmons]

One time my dad was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ah, God damn it. Not the one time.

[Luke Simmons]

My dad was driving back from a Graveyard Dead concert in the 70s, and he said, they pulled up to a toll booth, and the man at the booth looked around the car at them, and they were all pretty clearly hippies. And he just goes, hey, you boys want a chicken? And whoever was driving just was like, okay. Because he was kind of freaked out by the question.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dave's face right now.

[Luke Simmons]

And the toll booth operator just handed them out a live chicken that I guess had fallen off a truck, and he didn't know what to do with. And he's like, I'll let these hippies take the chicken. And they took it home, and it lived on their speaker system for about a week. And then G said, one day it just left.

[Dave Anthony]

So this is a very.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Honestly, that feels like an article from the paper.

[Luke Simmons]

Man, I am built to be a newsman from the 1800s. I've got lots of anecdotes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look, I don't really know how to wrap L. Yeah, no, that's one thing I know.

[Luke Simmons]

Syntax is very confusing at times.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. So you are. At least you know that your stories a lot of times end with you like, hey, I gotta yell.

[Luke Simmons]

I've seen some choice ladies, and I've tried to stop them from getting hit by carriages.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go ahead.

[Luke Simmons]

Not always successful.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go ahead, Dave.

[Dave Anthony]

That was a classic Luke story. The chicken one is just a classic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Luke story, and you've heard it twice before.

[Luke Simmons]

It was Luke's dad's story.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But no, no, that's your story.

[Luke Simmons]

I've taken it.

[Dave Anthony]

One of Worthington's school teachers recently took six revolvers from the little boys in his department.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You gotta arm the teachers, America. Gotta arm the teachers.

[Luke Simmons]

We used to be a proper country. Kids would come to school, six revolvers. Well, they all had one at least.

[Dave Anthony]

That's one of the worst shots I've ever seen. That guy shanked it sideways.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think someone just Went, yeah, I thought.

[Dave Anthony]

And he's golfing alone because no one wants to golf with him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I golf alone.

[Dave Anthony]

An owl was shot west of Glencoe the other day which measured 4ft 8 inches from tip to tip of its wings.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ.

[Dave Anthony]

Why'd you shoot it?

[Luke Simmons]

It was hooting at me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why would you shoot it now? But that is really offensive.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Why would you shoot the owls?

[Luke Simmons]

They used to shoot everything.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know.

[Luke Simmons]

We have to have laws against it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And that's why we're going back. It's time to shoot owls again.

[Luke Simmons]

I want to arm the owls with six revolvers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree. Dave.

[Dave Anthony]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Luke Simmons]

Enemy of owls. Dave.

[Dave Anthony]

Anthony, we don't need. The last thing we need to introduce to America is armed birds.

[Luke Simmons]

You don't think the drones.

[Dave Anthony]

Are gonna have guns?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Completely disagree.

[Dave Anthony]

We don't need.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're off on this one.

[Luke Simmons]

The French have taught eagles to go after drones. The French police. Because people were illegally using drones in Paris. So they taught a bunch of eagles to attack the drones. That's what we should be doing.

[Dave Anthony]

So do we think that's true?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think he believes it.

[Luke Simmons]

Google it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think he believes it. Does that count?

[Dave Anthony]

On Monday last, John Dench of Rich Prairie, an old man over 70 years young of age, killed a wild cat near his stable.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

And then started to his son's house about 40. 40 rods to tell him about it. We got. We gotta look it up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I bet you that story.

[Dave Anthony]

What do you think 40 rods is?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you think it's 40 yards?

[Dave Anthony]

Like.

[Luke Simmons]

No, I think you're right. It's like a tenth of a mile or something. It's gonna be one of those, like racing. It's like a furlong.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, a furlong. Know rods as a distance measurement. A rod, perch or pull. It's British, of course.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What? Excuse me? The disrespect.

[Dave Anthony]

It is defined as 16 and a half feet. Okay, so. So he walked.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So I think I'm right.

[Dave Anthony]

What'd you say?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I said it was a yard.

[Dave Anthony]

No, it's 16 and a half feet.

[Luke Simmons]

Five and a half yards. Quick math.

[Dave Anthony]

It's five and a half yards. Yeah. So it's not. So you're wrong.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know. But I think it's important that we learned a lot about ourselves on the way to that.

[Luke Simmons]

So it's like a 200ish yards. He shot a cat and walked to his kids. So he's walking two football fields away.

[Dave Anthony]

Walking two football fields away.

[Luke Simmons]

There was not much news, but that.

[Dave Anthony]

But.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Excuse me. This man murdered a cat And Brad murder it.

[Dave Anthony]

It was trying to kill his horses, I assume.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are you talking about?

[Dave Anthony]

It was near his stable.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They try to kill his horses. Cat and equine can live in harmony. We're not talking about feline and equine could live in harmony.

[Dave Anthony]

About a domestic cat. We're talking about like a. A wildcat or something. Like a.

[Luke Simmons]

It's a bobcat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm gonna mail you five bees.

[Dave Anthony]

But it's. But it's a cougar. A bobcat or something. It's not like you're thinking of again. You're thinking of like Jose. We're not talking about Jose. We're talking about murder.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cat, either you're with us or you're against us.

[Luke Simmons]

Send an armed owl after you.

[Dave Anthony]

He only went about half the distance. So. About a football. He got tuckered out when he gave out. And for some reason, for some unknown cause.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on, tell me he dies.

[Dave Anthony]

Was found several hours afterwards dead and frozen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Boom. That. Yeah. Don't with cats, bro.

[Dave Anthony]

Don't have nothing to do with killing the cat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You kill. You kill a cat, you die.

[Luke Simmons]

Nine lives.

[Dave Anthony]

You don't die.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You kill a cat. You die.

[Dave Anthony]

That's not how you can kill.

[Luke Simmons]

An eye for an eye. One life for nine lives.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A die for a die.

[Dave Anthony]

You guys are not. You guys shouldn't be speaking Team cats.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, the noise I'm not okay with.

[Dave Anthony]

Emmanuel staff of Castle Rock, Dakota county was induced the other day by a couple of baby of smooth tongued seductive chaps who pretended to be agents for Light Draft Plows.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi, we're all from Light Draft Plows.

[Dave Anthony]

What is Light Draft Plow?

[Luke Simmons]

How are you doing, sir?

[Dave Anthony]

Light Jeff Plow has to be like a. Like a light plow for the field.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

To sign notes to the amount of $150.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So they convinced him to give him money.

[Dave Anthony]

Give him money with fake plows. He will probably be soon called upon to pay the notes in the hands of an innocent holder and will find that he has been swindled to that amount.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How does the. How is the paper so far ahead of this con than this guy? This guy's reading this article like.

[Dave Anthony]

Wait, what the deal?

[Luke Simmons]

I just read those smooth tongued chaps were none other than I, your faithful reporter.

[Dave Anthony]

No, but how do they know?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know.

[Dave Anthony]

Luke's kind of got the only answer.

[Luke Simmons]

Why do I report about it before it's done? It makes me hard. Wait, I get off on the trickery.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We gotta pull the plug on this reporter. This report has Become a real liability for the paper. Sir.

[Luke Simmons]

Feel my smooth chaps.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sir. Sir. Stop with your reporting.

[Luke Simmons]

They're assless.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh my God. What is he talking about?

[Luke Simmons]

My chaps.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know.

[Dave Anthony]

We know what you're talking about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We understand.

[Dave Anthony]

So don't want to know what you're talking about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We hear the words, we just don't.

[Luke Simmons]

Breathe blows through the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Breathe blows through.

[Luke Simmons]

I tried to say breathe but my tongue didn't work. It's too slippery and smooth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, I'm just gonna.

[Dave Anthony]

He will probably be soon called upon to pay the notes in the hands of an innocent holder and will find that he. He has been swindled to that amount. Intelligent farmers who take and read the papers ought to escape all such swindlers.

[Luke Simmons]

This is just a paper ad.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's an ad. They're saying buy the paper and you'll know about the swindlers that are out there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. How much you want?

[Dave Anthony]

I don't. Nothing. I'm not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll take one year subscription. Boy.

[Luke Simmons]

This just in. Newspaper readers swindled out of a year's subscription by a smooth done advertisement from a man in assless chaps.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stopping the chat.

[Dave Anthony]

What are we doing?

[Luke Simmons]

Sitting comfortably on the chair of his desk. Avoiding splinters because it is sanded. Smooth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Man. I don't even.

[Luke Simmons]

I'm real locked in on my chaps.

[Dave Anthony]

I don't think you're locked in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think instead of like, you know, there's the angel and the devil on the shoulders. There's just two. Luke's on his shoulder like go.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Further. Let him cook. Push.

[Dave Anthony]

Has ever been set around you, Luke?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. Good Lord, no. Except for the like with the toilet covered in oats.

[Dave Anthony]

Student deviltry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nice.

[Dave Anthony]

Some medical students planned in Baltimore one day last week. A daring freak.

[Luke Simmons]

Did he?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Huh?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. That is a. What did he call him? Freak.

[Luke Simmons]

Freak off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Freak offs.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Okay. Which miscarried only by a mere chance. They went up to the top of the Washington Monument about 5 o' clock in the evening.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ.

[Luke Simmons]

I like where this is going.

[Dave Anthony]

When it was fast growing dark. One of them wearing an extra coat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Another. An extra pair of pantaloons.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, are they gonna dress the monument?

[Dave Anthony]

And another carrying old boots.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, they're making a fake.

[Luke Simmons]

They're gonna good son it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're making a fail. They're making a fake man.

[Dave Anthony]

And other material concealed with which to manufacture the effigy of a man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh no.

[Dave Anthony]

They quickly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So they call it a manument. Pick yourself up.

[Luke Simmons]

Got him.

[Dave Anthony]

They quickly did their Work almost too quickly. For their design had been observed by several people on the street below, whose presence on the corner attracted the attention of the keeper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So people knew People saw them making a man.

[Dave Anthony]

Did the people say they make a man, or did the people for their design have been observed by several people? Okay, so they saw him making it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They saw making man.

[Dave Anthony]

This is the Washington Monument?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

You can't see up there. What's going on.

[Luke Simmons]

Oh, I don't think it's as tall as you think it is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you've always thought it was taller than it is. You've always had this real blind spot for the Washington Monument. It goes state building.

[Dave Anthony]

Dave, sometimes it. When the moon comes over, you can step off the monument and onto the moon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, this had a lot more troubling real quick.

[Luke Simmons]

But see, then it'd be lit up real well from that moonlight.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So why are you bringing Dave in today? He thinks you could step off the monument and onto the moon, but only.

[Luke Simmons]

When it's not full. If it's full, you'll slide right off.

[Dave Anthony]

That's right. You got to get on the little step part. Apprehending that a tragedy was impending, he rushed to the top of the shaft where he was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've rushed to the top of the shaft before. One time I put a man on top of my shaft and made him rush towards it.

[Dave Anthony]

Effigy, where he was at first.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Effigy.

[Dave Anthony]

Get your hand off me.

[Luke Simmons]

Dave, climb on that moon.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, so by the way, this is the keeper of the monument running up there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got to show me the keeper of the monument of today where he.

[Dave Anthony]

Was first startled by seeing a pair of boots hanging over the par.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, no. We got a man on the monument.

[Dave Anthony]

And nearby, a slow match burning.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's a guy.

[Dave Anthony]

So they set it up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So they're about to light him on fire. The effigy.

[Dave Anthony]

It's an effigy. You burn it. So.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Excuse me. Sometimes effigies don't burn. Sometimes it's just nice to put one at the dinner table and pretend like there's someone else there with you.

[Luke Simmons]

Sometimes you hang them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I've done a lot of stuff with effigies.

[Luke Simmons]

Sometimes, if they're high enough quality silicone, you create a real relationship with it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Luke, are you banging your effigy?

[Dave Anthony]

If I agree with that?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Luke, you're banging your effigy.

[Luke Simmons]

It's my effigy.

[Dave Anthony]

F. On closer examination, however, he discovered the trick which had been artfully planned. The effigy had a rope about its neck. An end of which was tied to the lightning rod.

[Luke Simmons]

Oh, they were trying to bring it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

To life, back to the future. It's alive.

[Dave Anthony]

Another cord was around the waist of the figure, and to this the slow match had been attached, which, when it had burned the cord, by the time it had grown quite dark, would have caused the figure to slip over the parapet and left it for Sunday morning hanging. A terrifying spectacle to all good folks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

Way to church.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pretty good planning.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, that's not bad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I do like this prank that they're like, we're gonna goof and make them think a guy's dead up there.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, a guy hung himself.

[Luke Simmons]

Real rufa of a hate crowd.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Good for them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's pretty smart.

[Luke Simmons]

That's okay. Go's new music video.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Christ, that was a blast from the past. For the two people who got it, they were like, that's pretty good.

[Luke Simmons]

What? That was the end of the story.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Luke Simmons]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

How do you feel about it?

[Luke Simmons]

I mean, I just. I wish the keeper had, you know, followed up, let us know. Did he?

[Gareth Reynolds]

But look here, Luke, here's the thing with news. Sometimes you're just gonna get the first part and they'll do follow ups later. You're. I think you want books.

[Luke Simmons]

It is later. It's a lot later.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no. This is a paper from the. Have we explained what this podcast is?

[Luke Simmons]

How much we wait. It's hundreds of years later and he's not followed up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is a paper from one day. Well, like, you know how if you picked up the paper today, it would just tell you, like, the most relevant news? It wouldn't wrap up those stories for you. They're not gonna wait to wrap the stories up.

[Luke Simmons]

And that's why I don't pick up the paper.

[Dave Anthony]

Luke is requesting more Reply, guys.

[Luke Simmons]

Well, 18th century reply, guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nope.

[Luke Simmons]

Let the effigy swing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nope. We're done. That's the end of you, Luke.

[Dave Anthony]

That was a good shot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nobody cares.

[Dave Anthony]

That was a good shot.

[Luke Simmons]

I thought a lot about the little town that I live in now has, like, a free newspaper. They put out quarterly. That's just. It's just advertising for local realtors. But I want to get a bunch of printings made of my own rival local newspaper and just do stories like this.

[Dave Anthony]

I. Do you want to counter what they write in their free paper or are you just going to do a different paper? Like, are you going to have replies to their stories?

[Luke Simmons]

I might. I might sort of take some aim, do some corrections at, like, the, like, new ice cream Place opens, it's like, well, we'll see about that. Little takedown of that story.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Luke. What? Like, do you, you know, words are coming out. How are you feeling about that? If you were a kitchen, the dishes would be inel. Inedible and ineligible.

[Luke Simmons]

Ineligible.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. Life saving rules. Some healthy maxims to be pasted in the hat for use of emergencies.

[Luke Simmons]

Oh, that's fun. You do write a little note to yourself inside your hat.

[Dave Anthony]

Don't you love to read the maxims which some wise men writes for the newspapers. Useful rules which are intended to save human life and alleviate human suffering.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How funny would it be if like in two days we see that Luke has pasted pictures from like Maxim in his hat?

[Dave Anthony]

I wouldn't at all like what? Surprised?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just like, yeah, this girl's pouring beer on her jugs.

[Luke Simmons]

It's an ex body spray ad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Maxims.

[Dave Anthony]

There is always so much practical common sense in them. Here's a batch for instance, for dust in the eyes. Avoid rubbing and dash water them.

[Luke Simmons]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Super, super smart.

[Luke Simmons]

Hard to read that with dust in your eyes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, what were the rules?

[Luke Simmons]

It's when you gotta just gotta remember.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There was something I was supposed to do. Oh God, I wish I could see. Ah, so much dust. Somebody read my hat to me going around town. Sir, could you read my hat directions?

[Luke Simmons]

It's just a picture of a lady with beer on her jerks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, that's right. I gotta jerk off.

[Luke Simmons]

Thanks for the reminder.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you. I'm gonna go behind this fence here. There's no fence there. Ah, yeah.

[Luke Simmons]

Well, just cash it in my hat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh yeah, that's how I paste them.

[Dave Anthony]

This is especially useful when you are on the car and there isn't a drop of water in the country nearer than the engine or the next lake 43 miles behind you.

[Luke Simmons]

This.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The idea that he said 43 miles is totally weird.

[Luke Simmons]

Sounds very specifically like something like me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's a lake 43 miles behind me. For instance. Instance.

[Dave Anthony]

Now this next one's very helpful for Luke. Remove insects from the ear by tepid water. Never put a hard instrument into your ear.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's look. Please, please repeat it.

[Luke Simmons]

Remove instrument. Remove insects from the air with tepid water. Never put a hard instrument in your ear.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, I heard that.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes, that is pretty advice now isn't it? Suppose an Indian peace commissioner gets an insect in his ear when he is out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

See you later, boys.

[Dave Anthony]

When he is out in Colorado, is that man to suffer until he can reach the Mississippi river in order to get enough water to fill his Ear.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What a nightmare walk that is.

[Dave Anthony]

Think about it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Walking to the Mississippi river to stop.

[Dave Anthony]

A moth from Colorado to get that moth.

[Luke Simmons]

At that point, I think you go for the hard instrument.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Have you.

[Luke Simmons]

No, Luke, I don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, Luke, have you ever had a bug in your ear?

[Luke Simmons]

Enough, to my knowledge.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that says that there's a bunch living in your head.

[Dave Anthony]

To me, before passing through smoke, take a full breath and stoop low.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's so funny to be like, I don't agree. Exhale and jump.

[Dave Anthony]

Why would you. Oh, Take a full breath of Non.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Non.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Hold your breath.

[Dave Anthony]

Just imagine now what a circus a smoking car would present if every man who entered it kept that rule posted in his hat. Why would you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why is this guy obsessed with hat rules?

[Luke Simmons]

I think he's saying these are bad rules.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you know what? It's like the new. It's like the Bill Maher segment of their day. Hot rules.

[Luke Simmons]

Oh, sure. If everyone entered the smoking car with a big breath, that's gonna work just fine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How about this? We make our decisions to hold our breath if we want to or not.

[Dave Anthony]

Suck poisonous wounds unless your mouth is sore.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's not reading. He's telling you to go do that loop.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. Suck poisonous wounds unless your mouth is sore. Enlarge the wound or better, cut the wound without one delay. If that isn't a lively piece of advice for a sane man to give to healthy people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, look, allow me to suck your wound. I don't have swords.

[Dave Anthony]

I don't have a wound.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't have swords in my life.

[Luke Simmons]

We can make one.

[Dave Anthony]

Listen here. Don't you do anything of the kind. And if you get a scratch on the throat, don't enlarge it or cut it out. And if you get a wound on the back of your neck, don't try to reach it with your mouth. Somebody will try that someday and there'll be a broken neck in the family.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think he's got to be being.

[Dave Anthony]

Gotta be a joke at this point.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you can't suck the back of your own neck.

[Luke Simmons]

I can too. Watch me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's how Luke goes.

[Dave Anthony]

Wolves still make the night hideous with their howling. Especially was this case last Thursday.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. You know, it's pretty sad that we live in a time where you will never hear a wolf, like, while you sleep, you'll never be like, ah, the wolves are too much.

[Luke Simmons]

But here we go. We play our cards right, you could hear a beautiful choir singing in dog church.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dude, let the dog church choir go.

[Luke Simmons]

I still think it's a viable option. The people hunger for hell songs. Read the title of that article. Jesus Christ.

[Dave Anthony]

The Dying Earth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, is it written by. What's the guy's name?

[Dave Anthony]

Professor Proctor in New York.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

My friends, even our Earth must die.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

It must go the way of all the Earth and other earths.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is a Trump speech.

[Dave Anthony]

In the course of 25 more millions of years, it must be. It must deadhead its way among the stars. You want to read it in Trump voice?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure. Okay. Yeah, well. And people don't like Trump, but I'll read it in Trump voice. Here's Trump's latest speech. My friends, even our Earth must die. It must go the way of all the Earth and other earths. In the course of 25 more millions of years, it must deadhead its way among the stars. It must dry up. The bottom of the seas will leak, the waters run out. Mars and Venus seas are so leaking now. The moon is dead already, poor thing, and no one kind enough to bury her. When you look on the face of the moon, you look on the face of a corpse. It's all nonsense to talk of the moon's rising or setting or getting up or setting down or the moon's looking down on us. It does nothing of the sort. It's dead and can't look anywhere. And the Earth is dying. In 25 million years, it'll be nothing but a cold cinder. No seas, no men, no women, no girls, no boys, no children, no fashions, no newspapers, no politics. If Nancy Pelosi gets her way, no politics, no revolutions, no wars, no rumors of wars, no theaters, no plays, no critics, no nothing. All blank, dry, dead, dull, dusty, deserted, doleful and dreadful. The sun will get up every morning for nothing. No life at all. At all. The anemone, mineral and vegetable kingdoms all destroyed. The Earth will be deserted and dusty, hung with mold and hung with cod webs. Rats will burrow everywhere and all sorts of weeds will choke up our parks and gardens. Now, friends, something should be done before it's too late to raise a monument of our departing Earth. Some organization should be formed to see it buried decently and provide for the payment of the funeral expenses.

[Dave Anthony]

Well done. Well done. Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hundred percent of Trump speech. Holy. All right. You got one more for little Luki, boy.

[Dave Anthony]

Mexican robbers are real hidalgos.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, boy.

[Dave Anthony]

And always steal and murder like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you just asking for another Trump speech?

[Dave Anthony]

And always steal the murder like gentlemen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

Being especially polite to the ladies whose jewelry they appropriate abandoned Chief, after shooting a gentleman dead because he refused to give up the keys to his house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is a backhanded compliment.

[Dave Anthony]

This is because they just shot and killed the guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Address the widow thus, with hat in hand. Madame, we are gentlemen and never could be guilty of rudeness to the fair. Pray accept this diamond as a memento of the deceased and believe me, your slave to command. My compliments to your distressed orphans.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. You gotta. You gotta love the, like, the way that people would commit crime and then be like, I want to give you a tip.

[Dave Anthony]

It's about manners.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's my diamond, So I stole 65 from you. Here's 20. I murdered your husband. Here's a diamond.

[Luke Simmons]

It was his, but now it's yours.

[Dave Anthony]

Not gonna read this last one, but the headline is the Heathen Chinee, and it has two E's on it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, Luke, where can people find you besides in the van? You're what at Luke H. Simmons?

[Luke Simmons]

I'm at Luke H. Simmons on most of the things.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You go on tour with me often. If people want to see you do stand up. And if people ever want to see you really in your element, they should see you at a dollop show where you are Dick Van dyking it, doing 800 different things for us that we appreciate. And. And you. Sure, you mess up a number of those things, but overall, when you put the marbles on the scale, it's a lot of good. But, man, the mess ups hurt.

[Luke Simmons]

Usually the marbles end up all over the floor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Sometimes you eat a couple marbles and.

[Luke Simmons]

Like, a Home Alone style trap, and I'm doing six foot vertical airborne before I come down hard on my lower back. But the other day, I got to saw the head off a Cabbage Patch Kid.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Had a show at a show.

[Dave Anthony]

Can I also just recommend that people go and sit at the ninth hole at the end and just watch how bad people are at golf?

[Luke Simmons]

I don't want to jinx us, but I'm shocked that one of these.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we should get out of here.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's a really crazy place to have a parking lot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, no, it's not. Well, it's because golfers do it.

[Dave Anthony]

It's 20ft from the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's for people golfing, not people doing a podcast.

[Luke Simmons]

Here, here's a little treat for. We'll end the video like this. There you go.

[Dave Anthony]

You can see what we're seeing going right in the. Right in the sand. Oh. Oh, no. He got. He came on the green.

[Luke Simmons]

Look at you for those who didn't believe it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

For those who said it couldn't be done. And I'm done.

[Luke Simmons]

And then the earth died.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then the earth died. Okay. Yeah. Oh, hello there, doll heads. It's Gareth from the Doll Up. That's right. The show you're about to listen to or listening to. Who knows? Hey, you want to come see me do Stand up on the road? Go to garethreynolds.com especially if you're in these areas. Irvine, California, on July 24th. August 5th, I'll be in Nashville at Zany's. Lexington, Kentucky. August 6th, Chattanooga. August 8th, 9th. And I'll be in Alpharetta, Georgia. That's a place. August 10th, I will be in Fort Collins, back at the Comedy Fort where last year we broke the alcohol sales record. August 22nd and 23rd, Bozeman, Montana. September 5th through September 6th, I will be at the Comedy Club of Kansas City In Kansas City, Missouri. September 26th and 27th, I will be in the Blue Note in Columbia, Missouri. September 28th, October 1st, Appleton, Wisconsin. Chicago, Illinois. October 4th, two shows at the Den Theater, Fort Wayne, Indiana. October 5th. And then November 6th, 7th and 8th, I will be back at the wonderful Rooster T feathers. Go to garethreynolds.com you're the Gare force. Join me. It's a movement. Come on. Don't be weird. GarethReynolds.com Come on.