131 - The Past Times with Jen Kober

Summary

Summary of "The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds"

Episode 131 - The Past Times with Jen Kober

Release Date: July 4, 2025
Hosts: Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds
Guest: Jen Kober
Description: Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds explore historical events by examining old newspapers, accompanied by their witty humor and insightful commentary.

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Introduction and Welcome

The episode kicks off with Gareth Reynolds introducing the podcast and welcoming returning guest, Jen Kober. Jen humorously discusses her ongoing internet connectivity issues while preparing for a performance at the Walton Center in Fayetteville, Arkansas.

• Notable Quote:

  Jen Kober ([00:22]): "Thanks for having me and bringing up all my internet connectivity problems. Geez, Lord."

Discussion on Arkansas Baseball Team

Dave Anthony shares his disappointment about the Arkansas college baseball team's recent loss in the World Series, prompting a playful exchange about sports rivalries and personal preferences.

• Notable Quote:

  Dave Anthony ([01:10]): "It was the saddest self-destruction I've ever seen in sports."

Jen's Pride Month Tour and Inclusivity Efforts

Jen details her intense schedule during Pride Month, performing 22 shows in 30 days. She talks about distributing rainbow Pride pins and the mixed reactions from straight individuals, highlighting themes of inclusivity and societal perceptions.

• Notable Quote:

  Jen Kober ([03:52]): "Straight people were getting upset. They were like, is there not a pin for straight people? So I went and bought for the straight people that have a little rainbow on them."

Satirical Take on Pride Movements

The hosts humorously speculate about a hypothetical "Straight Pride Month," poking fun at the dynamics of social movements and highlighting perceived disparities.

• Notable Quote:

  Gareth Reynolds ([05:34]): "Can we, like, hold? Just give it a minute. Like, what are you doing?"

Main Segment: Newspaper Analysis

The trio engages in their trademark game of guessing the year of a historical newspaper. Jen guesses 1977, Dave 1883, and Gareth 1902, ultimately revealing the newspaper is from 1883.

Local Corn Activities and Humorous Interpretations

The first article discusses local corn-related events, which the hosts comedically misinterpret, leading to jokes about radishes and other offbeat topics.

• Notable Quote:

  Dave Anthony ([10:19]): "This is a turnip eater who would like an engagement. For further particulars, address the Gazette turn up."

Dance Organized by Cumminsville Youths

A story about Cumminsville youths organizing a dance sparks jokes about old-fashioned courting practices and humorous plays on words related to relationships.

• Notable Quote:

  Jen Kober ([12:53]): "What’s the surprise? It's like the Cummins boys had to invite themselves to the dance."

Shooting Incident in Commonsville

An article reports on a man attempting to shoot a bird but accidentally shooting a woman instead. The hosts riff on the absurdity of the situation and the societal norms of the time.

• Notable Quote:

  Dave Anthony ([21:11]): "He pulled out a revolver and he demanded their money."

Discovery of a Human Body

The discovery of a human body leads to comedic speculation about the coroner's role and the portrayal of such incidents in 1883.

• Notable Quote:

  Gareth Reynolds ([23:09]): "It's poo."

Robbery in Oakland

A daring robbery story where the perpetrator was too small to conceal a weapon becomes a source of laughs, with the hosts creating exaggerated scenarios.

• Notable Quote:

  Jen Kober ([58:33]): "I've seen radishes bigger than this boy."

Advertisement Segments

The episode features satirical advertisements for "Cash App" and the fictional "Mensman's Peptonized Beef Tonic," blending humor with promotional content.

• Cash App Promo:

  Dave Anthony ([24:03]): "Use our exclusive referral code dollop and send $5 to a friend within 14 days and you'll get $10 dropped right into your account."

• Mensman's Peptonized Beef Tonic:

  Gareth Reynolds ([48:31]): "I love the peptonized one. So use promo code pastimes at checkout when you're getting this new beef tonic."

Conclusion and Wrap-Up

The hosts wrap up the episode by promoting their collaboration with Lakeside Animation for animated episodes of their podcast. They extend well wishes for Pride Month and humorously reflect on the day's topics, maintaining their signature comedic tone.

• Notable Quote:

  Gareth Reynolds ([60:16]): "Well, we've got the place for you. Well, thank you, Jen. Hilarious as always. Much appreciated."

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Key Insights and Themes

• Inclusivity and Social Movements: The episode delves into themes of inclusivity, particularly around Pride Month, highlighting both genuine efforts and satirical takes on societal responses.
• Historical Absurdities: By examining old newspapers, the hosts uncover and humorously interpret the absurdities of past events, drawing parallels to modern-day issues.
• Comedic Banter: The dynamic between Dave, Gareth, and Jen showcases sharp comedic timing and the ability to find humor in the mundane and the bizarre alike.

Conclusion

Episode 131 of "The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds" masterfully blends historical exploration with sharp humor, offering listeners both laughs and intriguing insights into the past. Jen Kober's return adds a fresh dynamic, enhancing the episode's engaging and entertaining nature.

Transcript

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before. And neither is our guest this week, Jen Kober. Hi, Jen. Thank you for being back with us.

[Jen Kober]

Hi. Thanks for having me and bringing up all my. My Internet connectivity problems. Geez, Lord.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where are you with Internet issues right now?

[Jen Kober]

I am in Fayetteville, Arkansas. I'm performing tonight at the Walton Center. The Waltons, who famously own Walmart.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Walmart. My thoughts.

[Dave Anthony]

Don't. Don't. So Arkansas, they love their college baseball team, and they just lost in the World Series in what was the saddest self destruction I've ever seen in sports. And they're. So. Don't bring it up. Don't say, what the fuck did you people do?

[Jen Kober]

Well, look, I'm. I'm. I live in Baton Rouge now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I.

[Jen Kober]

Our. Our team won the whole thing.

[Dave Anthony]

You do know. Did you watch the game? The Arkansas LSU game? It was. I've never seen a team.

[Jen Kober]

I did not.

[Dave Anthony]

It was this. It was. Oh, no, it was the saddest. Like, three plays in a row in which they just did the wrong thing. And, like, one guy had the ball hit off of him and rolled 20ft to the fence like, it was just. Oh, she went away.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jen's gone. Jen left.

[Dave Anthony]

But it was sad. Do you think I should wink more?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, that's. That's a question I'm not gonna answer.

[Dave Anthony]

You just did. Be honest, though. It's a little titillating, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nope. Nope. Now, I don't know if we're using this for the podcast or not, so.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, we're using this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nope.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I miss Jen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think we're about to do one on our own.

[Dave Anthony]

Jen.

[Jen Kober]

I think I fixed it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jen, what in the.

[Dave Anthony]

Look, that's why this is.

[Jen Kober]

To y'.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All.

[Jen Kober]

This is. I'm just amazed on a wheel running the Internet here.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm just amazed that they have Internet there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're all impressed by them. All right, so we'll jump back in. So, Jen, you've. Did you watch the Arkansas team lose?

[Jen Kober]

I did not. I was sadly on an airplane when that was all happening, but didn't get to watch it in real time. But I kept getting, you know, the Facebook notifications of people just like, holy shit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What the.

[Dave Anthony]

So it was a pretty holy shit thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, Jen, you're on the road a lot. Are you. Are you performing mainly at Oligarch Centers, or will you do smaller town shows.

[Jen Kober]

I do them all. One night I'm in an oligarch center, the next night I'm in, like, the loony bin in Tulsa. Like, you never know what the lonely Ben.

[Dave Anthony]

And Tulsa was just bought by Amazon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, no. Bezos, you fuck. Well, people can go to Jen Cobra COBRA with a K.com for all your dates and everything. You're wearing a Make America Gay Again hat. Dave and I are not gay. Are we allowed to wear that hat? What is the.

[Jen Kober]

I think. I think you are. You can be an ally and roll this hat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, I would wear it as an ally. I have.

[Jen Kober]

Because it's Pride month and I've been doing an insane. This month. I did 22 shows in 30 days. 30 days.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God.

[Jen Kober]

Crazy, crazy month. And after every show, I would give away, I have these little enamel sort of rainbow Pride pins. And some of them are little flags, some of them are little hearts. Some of them are popsicles, Some of them are little hands making the hearts on. So the. And I. The. The straight people were getting upset. They were like, is there. There's not a pin for straight people? So I went and bought for the straight people that have a little rainbow on them. And they say, you are safe with me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I cannot. The insecurity. I know, they're like, of everything is.

[Jen Kober]

So I had one guy in Tulsa tell me, he said, because, you know, on the ads that I post on social media for the show, it said that it was my Pride 2025 tour. It just was part of it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Jen Kober]

Because it was. One guy wrote, I am so sick of these gay people trying to cram their agenda down our throats. I was like, dude, that's the gayest thing you've ever said. What are you talking about? What kind of gay shit is that? You are queer, son. You need to come to Park Sessions here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is so crazy how it's just the. You know what? It's just like the. It was like, black Lives Matter. And then it was like, but do all lives matter?

[Jen Kober]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can we, like, hold. Just give it a minute. Like, what. What are you doing? Like, I'm white and I'm hurt by the Black Lives Matter movement.

[Jen Kober]

It's really sad when you have to have a movement. Just saying, you matter this year. Yeah, I know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A month. You have a month. Can you imagine? It'd be so great to live in a country with straight Pride Month. And every. And the gays were in charge of it, watching what would happen to the Straits.

[Jen Kober]

That would be the Most boring parade I've ever seen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, now you're crossing a line. Now you are actually crossing a line.

[Jen Kober]

You guys, you guys, you guys are straight people. We have all the colors. We've taken the entire rainbow. And just when you thought we left the pastels and black and brown, we took that shit too. For the tr. Enemies. I'm telling you, we do it all.

[Dave Anthony]

We have gray.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we got gray.

[Jen Kober]

No, I think gray is in there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, it rhymes with gay, so it's difficult anyway.

[Jen Kober]

Oh, Jesus.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's no move left to become gay. We're all gonna die. And that's the good news. It won't matter when we're just skeletons. All right, Jen, you know what we do here? This is. You're a fan favorite. So you're back. And you know what we do? We're gonna go through this. This newspaper, and we're going to start by guessing the year of the paper again. There's no context. This is just for fun. You'll go first and Dave will probably make it. So you win. But I. A couple days ago, Guest won. Two years short and the guest won still. So feel.

[Dave Anthony]

No, there was a reason for that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, there wasn't. Shut up. So there was a five.

[Dave Anthony]

He had a five in his.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Makes no sense.

[Dave Anthony]

No, that's the way we change it up is that there's different ways to win.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's offensive to my people. The English White Straits. So, Jen, go ahead. What? Why don't you take a guess?

[Jen Kober]

I'm gonna say 1977.

[Dave Anthony]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think you pushed it. I really do. You got cocky. Skate pride month. You feeling yourself? I don't think it's gonna be so nice. I don't think it's gonna be nice. I think I'm gonna go with a 1902.

[Dave Anthony]

It is 1883. 1883.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Closer.

[Dave Anthony]

Since we only had one guess, I'm gonna say Jen, you heard my guess. No, no, I can hear you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

1902.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, I didn't hear that. Now I. All I heard was Jen's guess. So Jen wins. You ran out the clock, Gareth. And because of that, you lost. You got to jump on that and you got to get your guess in there just a little bit quicker. That's why we have buzzers. It is the Wheeler County Gazette from Commonsville of Nebraska.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, dear God wants to do it.

[Jen Kober]

We got corn. We got corn.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cumminsville must be like, stop taking pictures near our sign.

[Jen Kober]

Well, there were no pictures in 1880.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, but I mean, now is coming.

[Jen Kober]

Pictures of Our town.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, you didn't have to come all the way to Cumminsville to sketch the townside. It meant a lot to me. Cumminsville, Nebraska, did you say Dave?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's in Nebraska.

[Jen Kober]

I mean, it's probably.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think they changed it. I think.

[Dave Anthony]

I think they changed the name. They probably changed the name. They're like, look, there's too many teenage boys coming around here making fun of us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look, we're going with the name Jism Time. Oh, no, wait, it's still there. It's still there.

[Jen Kober]

And how many serial killers are from there?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Many. Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, and there's a South Cumminsville in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's also a Cumminsville in Kentucky and one in New York.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, so that's crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I'm gonna do a tour.

[Jen Kober]

Those Cummins boys really got around.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Those Cumminsville kids.

[Dave Anthony]

It doesn't look like it's even really a town, though. It just says it's an unincorporated community.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but that's cool.

[Dave Anthony]

It doesn't say how many people live there, so it's a sham.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shout out.

[Dave Anthony]

Listen to this. Cumminsville was established in 1881 and was the first town in Wheeler County. It was named for pioneer homesteader Frank Cummins and was located in Beaver Valley.

[Jen Kober]

Beaver Valley, Cumminsville.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here.

[Jen Kober]

Jesus Christ. The jokes are writing themselves.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Beaver County, Cumminsville. Beaver.

[Jen Kober]

Next town over.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, in the anal mountain range.

[Dave Anthony]

So there's a local matters thing here column. It's just got a bunch of little things like deer signs can be seen in the sand hills south of town. I think they mean poo because science is in. In little quotations. That means that's probably poo, right? They're probably saying that there's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jen, I don't know if you're like me, but anytime I hear a grown up say poo, it's fun. I saying I think they mean poo is just particularly fun. I think they mean poo.

[Dave Anthony]

That's the name of my new podcast.

[Jen Kober]

I only say poo when referencing a bear wearing no pants.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But, man, when he takes a. That's fun.

[Jen Kober]

Well, nothing gets on his pants, that's for sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nah, it's the move, you know, more in your pants. That's what's great about that move. I mean, if your name's Pooh, you're really, like, careful to be like, I can't anywhere. No one can see it. And I don't. I don't react well. I don't react well. The honey. Yeah, you're friends with an ass. Hey, look, it's an acid poo. Oh, no. Why did we hang out? This is. We're low hanging fruit.

[Jen Kober]

And then Tigger's like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Tigger, Jesus Christ. It's obvious. Tigger, please.

[Jen Kober]

Oh.

[Dave Anthony]

Prairie chickens are said to be numerous in this vicinity.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

It's a story they put in the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is helpful, though.

[Jen Kober]

The beginnings of free range chicken right there. Prairie chickens that just roam the world freely.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, there's a lot of prairie cock in Cumminsville in the beaver district. I'm looking for prairie cock. Well, boy, you're gonna have to go to Cumminsville.

[Jen Kober]

I need me a couple juicy breasts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I gotta get a couple juicy breasts on that cock.

[Dave Anthony]

The young folks of Clearwater are talking of a dance. SC Cumminsville youths are anxious to assist. Let us know the date.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean.

[Jen Kober]

What'S the surprise? It's like the Cummins boys had to invite themselves to the dance. Like, hey, we'll put decorations if we can go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They were so. I mean, imagine a dance like back then when all you. You just like, fucking was just so far off the radar when you were like, maybe I could fuck tonight. Like, there must have been a lot of dance.

[Jen Kober]

I don't. I don't think any of them were worried about sex. I think they were like ju. Just, Just. They were. Those were the boys that were like the. Just touched the tip. Those were the bulls.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, the soakers.

[Jen Kober]

Yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The soakers of the world. Shout out soakers.

[Jen Kober]

Population there in the Cummins man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ah, boy, can you imagine trying to pull off a soap? What a nightmare.

[Jen Kober]

I didn't even know what that was until I had became friends with a Mormon girl from Utah who laughed my ass off.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, I think you should explain it to people.

[Jen Kober]

Apparently what it is is because Mormon unmarried Mormon folks are not supposed to have sex. So what they do is they insert the penis into the vagina and let it soak.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you.

[Jen Kober]

In the juices, there be no movement.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like Marina is they.

[Jen Kober]

Some. He puts it in and then they have somebody else jump on the bed to make the motion.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's called the ocean. The ocean. Yeah, that's the ocean. So you've got soaking, which is just putting it in. And the theory is just let it sit there. And God's like, I don't hate it. And then you've got your friend jumping on the bed and that's apparently okay too. So you're just like, jump closer to my balls. Jesus Christ. Jump near my balls. And then So I. Okay. So then I heard about bagpiping, which blew my mind. Any clue on what bagpiping is?

[Jen Kober]

I mean, I know how a bagpipe is played, and I'm getting a very specific mental picture in my head.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, to secure the bagpipes, one puts a strap over their shoulder. And one could argue that the bagpipe looks a little like a ball bag. So bagpiping is armpit.

[Jen Kober]

Oh, wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Have a good show, guys. I'm out of here.

[Jen Kober]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

So. So Mormons invented the worst three way of all time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Well, I don't think you need another person there to bagpipe. When you come, you don't hear it for like 10 minutes. I believe that's.

[Jen Kober]

They also invented. I'm talking about ocean, just for the record. Just to bring them back up.

[Dave Anthony]

See, now that's good.

[Jen Kober]

Soaking and doctor. So. Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What a mixed bag. I don't know how to feel. Yeah. What's wrong with you? And this is delicious.

[Jen Kober]

Mixed bag pipe is what we got.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

When I was in New York studying acting, there was a young Mormon. Young. She's 25 or whatever.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

And. And after a while, everyone was like, oh, if you get her as a scene partner, she'll let you make out. You would go into her, she'd be like, yeah, come on to my house and we'll do the scene. And then you'd walk in and she'd go, okay, just nothing from the waist down. And you could just make out and feel her boobs. That was what. Yeah.

[Jen Kober]

How did I never meet a Mormon?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on.

[Jen Kober]

That would have been a hell of a taste.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, yeah, it is nice, isn't it? Yeah, it's nice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's harder for you, though, Jen, because they. They're. They have to be two steps removed from their process in order to be like that. Letting. Letting an acting scene straight. Acting scene partner. Come over and kiss them and feel their boobs is like. That's the pathway to being open to everything.

[Dave Anthony]

Wanted. 500 bushels of corn and the same of oats delivered in Cummingsville.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ.

[Dave Anthony]

Jen called it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is the most farm. This is. Yeah, this is just. That's like a farm list.

[Jen Kober]

It's also like a wish list. Like, hey, if you're having a dance, we'll come help. Hey, if you got any food, we'll take it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, what? Who's got oats, tasty chickens.

[Dave Anthony]

No, it's just one. It's just one creep with a paper. And everyone's like, don't go there. That guy's a freak.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on.

[Dave Anthony]

Charlie Staple has our thanks for two luscious watermelons. The first we have seen this season. They were so large, Charlie, that we invited our friends to partake with us.

[Jen Kober]

You should have brought them to the dance with two watermelons. The ladies are going to be like, fuck yeah, let's dance.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, make them earn the watermelon you like. Juicy thing with seeds in them. Right this way, ladies.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, how great it must have been to like get a watermelon like for them to be that sought off like after. And then you actually get one to be like, oh my.

[Jen Kober]

Yeah. I mean that's a. That's a big win. A watermelon in Cummings ball.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Len Robinson comes to the front with two large radishes. One measuring 28 inches in diameter in circumference and the other 22.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop it.

[Dave Anthony]

These are the production of the sandhills. This is a radish you carve with a knife.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Dave Anthony]

This is a. This is a Thanksgiving radish.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a pumpkin carving radish.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. This is 20. A 28 inch radish. This is glorious. You feed your whole thing.

[Jen Kober]

Give me a nice jack o radish.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Len Robinson comes to the front with two large radishes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Insinuative. It's so. He comes to the front with two yard large red. I mean all the. Everything in this paper is insinuate.

[Jen Kober]

Well, this is what I. Are they having some sort of like. Like in Cumminsville? You would think. I mean it's no surprise that they're comparing size of things, but the fact that what they've chosen is garden vegetables is what's making me laugh. Hey, hey, look, I got these two big o big ass radishes, man. The circumference on these bad boys is off the charts. Lynn is coming forward and then Charlie's like, hey, but I got the. They didn't compare to my watermelons. It's not like they was watermelon radishes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can you imagine showing up to a watermelon event with radishes? It's like these are delicious. Like, anyone want a bitter ground pepper? Like get the. Those are disgusting. Dave likes radishes.

[Dave Anthony]

I love radishes.

[Jen Kober]

It's crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like that's like some serial killer.

[Dave Anthony]

That really is 20 a 28 inch radish. Just leave me alone for a week.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nobody will want to be around you. Don't worry about it.

[Dave Anthony]

Put me in the room with the radish.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You what?

[Jen Kober]

And they make the little radish look like a rose.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's because it's. It's mainly garnish. It's mainly. Nobody is supposed to sit there and eat it like a apple. It's psychotic.

[Dave Anthony]

Why not? The last time you talked about this and I was pro radish, you did not go read the Patreon comments that were largely pro radish. You are lonely.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're getting the psychos out. That's just. Psychos are trying to find a home and they're like, finally, a radish leader. Us regular people aren't chiming in because we're like, enjoy all that.

[Dave Anthony]

Sorry. I have a palate.

[Jen Kober]

However, watermelon radishes are delicious and are a thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Interesting. Peace is possible. Thank you.

[Dave Anthony]

Interesting.

[Jen Kober]

Thank you. We can both be happy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I still am mad at Dave. Thank you. Dan.

[Dave Anthony]

Lee Schuler Herald. A serious accident occurred in a grove east of town on Sunday last. A young gentleman and lady named respectively. What is Jos. Dot? What's that short? What's that abbreviated?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jocelyn. Joss.

[Dave Anthony]

Jocelyn, maybe. Jocelyn Severin and Francis Sironi. Maybe Joseph. Sure, it's a dude. Were walking together when Severin pulled a pistol from his pocket. Okay, well, escalating. So they're so guys. A guy's walking with a lady, a couple of young, young. A little young couple. And then he just whips out a pistol.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. They call that toxic masculinity now, but it was a simpler time. You could just take a pistol out when you were having a walk with a woman and nobody freaked out.

[Jen Kober]

What happened? Is that a gun in your pocket? Are you just happy to see me?

[Dave Anthony]

And he was like, no, that's a gun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't get hard.

[Dave Anthony]

He pulled it for the purpose of shooting at a bird. This is such a dude thing. Just walk with the lady. Just enjoy the lady.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nobody's impressed with that.

[Jen Kober]

And he kills the bird. Then he just sticks it back in his pocket. And she's supposed to swim. That's exactly what it is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Anyway, what were you saying? You like to shop?

[Dave Anthony]

It reminds me of. I knew a comedian and she was in New York and she went to a movie on a date, the first date with this guy. And he came out and you know the cardboard cutouts they have on some actor. He just. After the movie, they're walking out and he just runs up and rips the head off and, like, looks at her like she'll Be excited. And she's just like, I don't want to see you anymore. This is our last date. It's such a dude thing because you rip a head off, other dudes are like, hell, yeah.

[Jen Kober]

He still has Tom Cruise's head in his closet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's like, don't worry. I started this instead of her. Yeah. That is such a guy thing. Yeah, I dunked. Did you see how I dug that trash? Like, cool. You're. Oh, yeah. Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

As and as he was swinging the gun around to the proper point, it accidentally discharged and shot her, the ball lodging in the young lady's shoulder. Okay, so I'm not buying the story, but okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He just shot her. You think he shot her? That's more relatable.

[Jen Kober]

It was a burn on your shoulder five seconds ago. I swear to God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bird. That's way more relatable. It's way more relatable to be like, I shot this woman in the arm than to be like, I was trying to get a bird and then I swung it too much.

[Jen Kober]

You can see the signs. It's poo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look, I thought it was a prairie chicken. I got too excited.

[Jen Kober]

Oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

Dr. Woods was called, and he extracted the ball. The wound is not dangerous, and the patient is doing well.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The wound is not dangerous.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, look. Yeah, everyone is dangerous in 1883.

[Jen Kober]

Number one, you only have to shoot her once, and she's gonna learn that lesson.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but now she knows it's very true. It's you shoot a woman once and you get. She understands how to treat you for a lifetime.

[Dave Anthony]

Right. You. Now she laughs at all my jokes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Way. That was quite an investment I made.

[Jen Kober]

I do have to see some watermelons at the front.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now I just have to take the gun out and she agrees with what I'm saying.

[Dave Anthony]

Gareth. The past times brought to you by Cash App. We are big users of the Cash app. We want you to download the Cash app today using the code Dollop cashapp pod as a Cash app partner. We may earn a commission when you sign up for Cash App. Like I said, we like it. Money shows up super quick. It's super easy to use. You don't have to use your bank account to sign up. Use your phone number, email or whatever.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Use Dave's email.

[Dave Anthony]

If you accidentally send money to the wrong person, a lot of other apps don't have a way to get it back with Cash App.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, don't. I know it's.

[Dave Anthony]

And. But I still. If you send me money and it's wrong, I'm going to keep it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll do the same to you.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. That got weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I didn't know Cash App court. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

I didn't think it was going to happen. I'll get you and maybe try to cash out. And suddenly there's this processing delay and there's no explanation. They're like, oh, sorry, do you want your money back?

[Jen Kober]

No, it's not.

[Dave Anthony]

It's not happening with Cash. Cash App takes care of you. It's a different experience. It's fast, it's easy, it's safe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Dave Anthony]

You want to use Cash App. That's what we use here at the Dollop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I started using Cash App pretty exclusively. It also, when I sell merch at shows, we try to get everyone to use Cash App. That's the goal.

[Dave Anthony]

That's the goal. So look, we. We love Cash App. We want you to Cash App it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is that Cash App it.

[Dave Anthony]

Trust us, if you haven't used Cash App, you should use Cash App.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Dave Anthony]

Because other ways. There's other ways. And I've always. I'm always running into problems with the other apps. Always running into problems.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. There are a lot of issues, like you said, the thing where it's like, if you accidentally don't. It's just crazy to me that if you send the money to the wrong person on accident, that's the end of that.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. They're like, okay, sorry, Yeah, I don't need your. I don't need that in my life. So. For a limited time only new Cash App users can use our exclusive code to earn some additional cash. We're not kidding around. There's no catch. Just download Cash App and sign up. Use our exclusive referral code dollop in your profile and send $5 to a friend within 14 days and you'll get $10 dropped right into your account. Terms apply. That's money. That's Cash App.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cash App.

[Dave Anthony]

That's us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's us. Like, we like, like, you know, like the. The slogan that we came up with says it's called Cash App, not Catch app, because there's no catch, but there's Cash.

[Dave Anthony]

We're Cash Happening.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's what's Cash Happening.

[Dave Anthony]

North Bend Flail. That's a weird name for a paver. The Flail Fl.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So these are just sort of pinched articles from other periodicals.

[Dave Anthony]

They're pinching articles.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And really, so far, not super interesting. So. Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, I don't know. The young lady getting shot in there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I enjoyed that one. That one was enjoyable.

[Dave Anthony]

Yesterday, while the young son of C.P. dickerson was herding about three miles west of town. He discovered the remains of a human body. Well, that's fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Honestly, I just. It's so hilarious to just be like walking and be like, that's a skeleton.

[Jen Kober]

This is insane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, come, come.

[Dave Anthony]

Word was sent to town and this morning a company went out to investigate. They found the bones of a full grown woman of probable mature.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There was a bird. Yeah, well, she had a probable maturity. So they were like, probably an adult woman. It's like, do we need a new coroner? I think it was a groan. Yeah. No, dude, those are like fully formed bones. It was a big. This was a big. And I think a woman because look at all the holes in the pelvis. Oh, guys have that too. I don't know. I'm lost. I don't know what it would be.

[Dave Anthony]

The skull showed marks of intelligence.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So we're thinking now a man. The more that we are examining, we're starting to think it might be a man. This had a brain.

[Jen Kober]

Showed marks.

[Dave Anthony]

They brought a quarter. They brought a guy out and he's like. So you're the expert, right, Jimmy? Yeah. She's a big and full woman.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Smart, smart, big rack. Everything you'd want. A real winner.

[Dave Anthony]

Dr. Woods was. Oh, no, that was the last one. A cotton flannel skirt and a calico waist. Was all the clothes with it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's helpful to the corner that.

[Jen Kober]

They found a lesbian flannel skirt. Come on, man. She had to be. She had. We have to wear flannel somewhere and she's on the prairie, but she had to find a flannel skirt.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. I believe it was a. He like eats dirt.

[Jen Kober]

It shows signs of manliness and intelligence. It must be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's tracking it. There might be more around here if we're not careful. Stay low. Their vision's based on movement. Guard your water. Balance. Guard your water.

[Dave Anthony]

There's a whole herd of lesbians coming through.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Lesbians?

[Jen Kober]

We call that a lesba gaggle when you run into a whole group of them at once.

[Dave Anthony]

The bones were brought to town and are in charge of Dr. Lynn.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're in charge of him. So the skeleton's your boss.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There you go. Take orders from that. There you are. It was pretty smart. It had holes in the head. Anyway, take care.

[Dave Anthony]

Next story. Ms. Hattie. West of Ponca. Ponka is a terrible name for a town.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't agree.

[Jen Kober]

Ponka, city of Mahomes. One of the worst places I've ever been in my life.

[Gareth Reynolds]

See, Jen's, going everywhere.

[Dave Anthony]

She's literally been everywhere.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, Ponka, how's it going? It's great to be here. Imagine saying that with a straight face.

[Dave Anthony]

Ponka. Are you guys enjoying Pride Week?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's Ponka's pride situation?

[Jen Kober]

You seen two players behind a barn one time?

[Gareth Reynolds]

We. It's like a statue. The time we saw Girls hold hands.

[Dave Anthony]

Ms. Hattie west of Ponka had an experience the other day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. I bet she did.

[Dave Anthony]

In the like of which not many girls would have come out with equal credit. No. What the. Does that mean what happened?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's big.

[Dave Anthony]

Does that mean she came out the same way she went in, or does that mean.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, she handled it better than most women? Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. I think she was driving alone from Ponca to Sioux City. Well, now it's like Jen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was at the Walmart Center.

[Dave Anthony]

And when on a lonely part of the road, a drunken Indian stepped into the room.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ.

[Jen Kober]

Grimy.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, I mean, you gotta, you know, use the terms of the time, as horrible as they are.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jen Kober]

Drunken Indian. Come on.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's not great.

[Jen Kober]

I'm ready to be canceled today.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you're really itching for it. I mean, if you're going to write about something fascinating, how about a sober Indian? Jen Coburn, no longer appearing at the Walton Center Somehow show before podcast airs.

[Dave Anthony]

It's very weird to grow up in California, where we basically killed all the Native Americans, and then going to, like, the Midwest or places like this, Nebraska, Iowa, and experiencing the racism against Native Americans, and you're like, wait, what? What's happening?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. How dare you take this place before us.

[Dave Anthony]

It's just insane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Disgusting.

[Dave Anthony]

So a drunken Indian stepped into the road and caught her horse by the bits. Now, I would think that would be testicles, but it's not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, I would think it's nuts.

[Dave Anthony]

It's what the horse bites into, like, you know, the thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I definitely thought it was like Austin Powers style. I've grabbed its bits, baby. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

And at the same time telling her to get out of the buggy. Fortunately, she had a shotgun with her. That's the great equalizer.

[Jen Kober]

She was getting like, wagon jacked by.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, she was. By the way. I mean, I've been wagon jacked before and it is. It's a great.

[Dave Anthony]

I got. I got wagon jacked behind circus liquors in. In the valley.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love a wagon jacking.

[Dave Anthony]

So. But if you're. It's. If it's 1883, you're traveling between two towns in Nebraska. You have a shotgun. If you're a lady like you're not cruising that route with that shotgun you.

[Jen Kober]

Need in case anybody grabs the bits of your horse.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, he's a bird.

[Dave Anthony]

She picked up the shotgun and drawing a bead on Mr. Indian. I mean Jesus, I love.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're trying to be respectful. And what is your name sir? Well Mr. Indian do.

[Dave Anthony]

She told them to let go of the horse. A glance at her face seemed to convince the Winnebago. Okay, so I didn't know this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I didn't either but.

[Dave Anthony]

But yeah. Winnebago is apparently named after a tribe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Isn't that cool how we do that Ridiculous.

[Jen Kober]

How God damn colonizers white people such that we are. It's me. I. I'm the problem. It's me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just. We get sometimes for all over white people. But how can you not like it's. It's just endless. Yeah it's just like a tribe of Indians and we're like. We will honor your tribe. This vehicle that takes trashy tourists from state park to state park. And the tube in the back where they empty the feces they've produced on the road from their Cheetos. We call it the Winnebago. You're welcome.

[Jen Kober]

No, no.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't touch it. Don't even look at it. Don't touch.

[Dave Anthony]

It's not for you. Listen, honestly. We just wanted our land, you know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We will be driving into your land and ruining it by putting our grills and our used oil and trash all over. That is not recyclable.

[Jen Kober]

We will put potholes all over this desert.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We will ruin it. And in a vehicle named after you. The Winnebagos. You're very welcome.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There you are. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Cool man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it is.

[Dave Anthony]

I guess we'll.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you drunk? Aren't you all drunk? My friend said you got. Oh, sorry, I didn't.

[Dave Anthony]

No, I'm in a accountant. I'm going to work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Language. Don't love it. That's some respect, buddy.

[Dave Anthony]

She seemed to convince the Winnebago that she meant business. And so he sullenly retired and let her proceed. On the way the Indian followed her half. Nearly half a mile. But a wholesome fear of the must be gun kept him at a safe distance.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now imagine if the lead male in this story was white. Do you think it would make any paper anywhere in the 1800s?

[Dave Anthony]

No, because he would have shot a bird.

[Jen Kober]

I see a prayer ticket. Leave it alone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I'm looking to get wagon jacked also.

[Dave Anthony]

That's that story is very young. White lady made up a story feel, too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jen Kober]

That way, when she shows up with the Indian baby, she has something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's totally what it was. Oh, that makes sense.

[Dave Anthony]

That tracks. Look, some Native American dude in the middle of nowhere just doesn't suddenly grab your horse like it's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, it's happened to me a bunch. That's happened to my Honda a ton of times.

[Jen Kober]

It reminds me of that scene in Blazing Saddles when they're trying to cross the the west, and he. They just put up a toll booth and he says somebody's gonna have to go back for a ton of die. Just one Indian out there just waiting for a white lady to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Finally.

[Dave Anthony]

Killed in an elevator.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What? Oh, like a grain elevator. It has to be like a grain elevator or something, right?

[Dave Anthony]

No, the boy in charge of the passenger elevator at the Grand Pacific in Chicago lost control of it Tuesday.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I have no concept of when anything was invented. Elevator feels so future, but.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, but I think. You know how in old movies, like, they have the. The guy has the up and down thing, the crate. Boy, that must have controlled.

[Jen Kober]

He was, like, pulling the elevator up.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It might be like the Flintstones or there were like, 30 chimps in the shaft, too, just yanking on the rope or something. That's.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm pretty sure that's how.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What it Was that accurate, Dave?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, History guy, he advised. He advised two persons in the elevator to jump out at the next landing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is it bad when the guy in charge of the elevator suggests you jump out as soon as possible? I've never. Someone who's never experienced that. I'm just curious if that's bad as it speeds down.

[Jen Kober]

I mean, I'm also wondering what kind of a door is on the elevator.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Honest. No door. I don't. I mean, maybe not just a little.

[Jen Kober]

Bed sheet that they made a curtain out of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. Just beads.

[Dave Anthony]

I bet. It's just that when they had the little, like, cage thing that they.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, right. Open even then, like, you might want to jump out on the next floor, mister. Oh, crap. Go. Hurry.

[Dave Anthony]

So in doing so, one of them, a painter named Christian Jacobson employed about the hotel, was killed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh.

[Dave Anthony]

So he tried to jump out. So he must have been, like, cut in half or something.

[Jen Kober]

Not now.

[Dave Anthony]

You don't jump better. You don't jump out of a moving elevator.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's funny that he was a painter, and now his blood's all over us on the walls. His last piece.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, Jacob.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then the coroner shows up and goes, I think this was a tiny little girl. No. Oh, no. I don't know. What do I know? I can't.

[Dave Anthony]

Killed by a constable. This again. Some things never change.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They call me ice.

[Dave Anthony]

Martin Keller, 31 years old, was shot and killed by Constable Johnson at the suburb of Highland Park, Chicago, Wednesday night.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

The constable fled after the shooting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is that a good sign when the law enforcement also takes off? Run. You are cops. Five, zero. Get out of here. What? What?

[Dave Anthony]

An attempt was made by Friends of the Dead man to burn Johnson's house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There you go. By the way you do it, I like it. I like the idea that if you can't find them, you just burn their home. Like, all right, let's just burn their house down. Well, that'll teach them. Let's get rid of all their stuff.

[Dave Anthony]

They're claiming that the killing was unprovoked. Well, yeah, he ran away. It was absolutely unprovoked.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He didn't play it well. The cop didn't play it well. The constable did not handle that well by fleeing.

[Dave Anthony]

No, you gotta go like there is a prayer bird on his shoulder.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you plant the prairie bird. That's what I like about today's policing.

[Jen Kober]

Yeah, they got good lies.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. You don't run. You just go like he said. He's gonna shoot me.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, then.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. I'm gonna go home. I'm tired. That murder got me all tuckered out. So tired from that murder.

[Dave Anthony]

Johnson put in an appearance the next morning suffering from knife wounds. Claimed to have been received by him in attempting to arrest Kaler and some boy companions.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nope, he made those. That morning.

[Dave Anthony]

He goes home and just stabs himself.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. What are you doing, honey? Corroborating. I'll see you in a. Christ.

[Dave Anthony]

Ah, your job is weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's strange.

[Dave Anthony]

Oakland, a daring robbery.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's. That's it. Okay, that's it.

[Dave Anthony]

That's the story.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Conclusions are not in this paper, but.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. No, they're like, you know, figure it out yourself. I gave you all the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jen Kober]

It's Bullet.

[Dave Anthony]

A daring. A daring robbery was committed yesterday afternoon on the road about one and a half miles north of this village. Scary.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

Charles Oakson and son had just arrived from Illinois to take possession of his farm, which he had purchased a month ago. Okay, sure. He bought a farm.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Dave Anthony]

Mr. Oakson and boy started up to the farm with a team and a farm wagon and had two or three trunks aboard. Just before leaving Main Street, a young man asked for a ride, saying he wanted to go up to lions. We got to give him a ride, because small town. Sure, you gotta get a ride.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

It's just neighbor. It's neighborly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

Remember? You remember hitchhiking? Did you hitchhike when you were younger?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. What the. What do I look like, 60? Did you hitchhike?

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, yeah, we hitchhiked. We literally hitchhiked everywhere.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. That's insane to me, Jen.

[Jen Kober]

Anything.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would.

[Jen Kober]

I tried to hitchhike one time when I was like, 15 years old in Los Angeles. We got in the guy's car. I've never been so scared in my life. And this whole car smelled like pee. And I was like, we got to get out. And we will.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, if you girls want to piss, just go ahead.

[Jen Kober]

I was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, just don't worry. You hitchhike, Dave.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God. Dude, we hitchhiked. Yeah. When I was in high school, everybody hitchhiked everywhere.

[Jen Kober]

Hitchhike. It was pre. Uber. This is what they called.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, Uber Thumb.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, but look, I got a ride from Father Guido Sarducci.

[Jen Kober]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, he gave me. He lived near me, apparently. And I got a ride from a guy with a boner. And that was in gym shards.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we get it. Yeah, you were cute.

[Dave Anthony]

And then a guy who showed me his gun. So those are probably the three.

[Jen Kober]

The gun. The gun and the boner were different guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, might have been the same guy. And your trauma might have separated them.

[Dave Anthony]

The gun was the. The boner guy. I was in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a great title.

[Dave Anthony]

It was the first year of college, and I was. So that was kind of a long ride. Like maybe 25 minutes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But the gun guy, the boner, sustained the whole ride.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, he was rubbing it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, well, now the plot's. So he's doing a bit of wagon jacking.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, he was wagon jacking. He was hoping I'd join in. But I did not join in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And if you did, it's okay. Nobody would think judging.

[Jen Kober]

I will judge.

[Dave Anthony]

I know, but I would probably.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jen, stop.

[Jen Kober]

I'll be like, what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I want to know. Queer you are.

[Jen Kober]

What's going on?

[Gareth Reynolds]

At least he could wear that hat.

[Jen Kober]

Finally wearing brown.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dave, I didn't know you were gay. I'm not, but I sucked the guy's dick through his gym shorts when I hitchhiked in high school. Okay. Welcome aboard.

[Jen Kober]

That don't make me gay. Co it. That don't make me gay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, so if everyone who sucked a guy's dick through his gym shorts. Cause they were hard, and he was giving him A ride as gay, then this old nation's gay.

[Dave Anthony]

The guy with the gun was between San Luis Obispo and Santa Barbara. So that was a much longer, much more terrifying ride.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, so a seat was given to him on one of the trunks behind Mr. Oakson and the boy. All went well until they reached a secluded spot besides a large cornfield, which is all. That's all of Nebraska.

[Jen Kober]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

One mile and a half from town when the, quote, meek young man in the rear opened his grip sack. Oh, boy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sounds like with the gym shorts.

[Jen Kober]

Get a rear grip sack. That is. That's hard to handle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll tell you. Sometimes you just look. Sometimes you just gotta release the grip sack. There's only one way to do it.

[Dave Anthony]

And he pulled out a revolver and he demanded their money. Or he said, quote, you're a debt on the spot. The old gentleman had just deposited several thousand dollars in the bank of Oakland and had only about $10.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, that was good.

[Dave Anthony]

That was. Yeah. So he took it together with a watch and a chain. Also 25. And a watch from the boy. Constable Wallen, on hearing of the facts, called out several citizens and started in pursuit. But darkness. Most of them returned and reported he was not found. They didn't need that last part.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Okay, so we're not really getting any closure there, obviously.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, no.

[Jen Kober]

See what was on Unsolved Mysteries? Cumminsville.

[Dave Anthony]

That's a great show. It's a great show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ruined my life.

[Jen Kober]

Why would I want you to tell me all about a crime only to tell me you don't know who did it? How unsatisfying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was like a kid. That's why I didn't hitchhike. I would watch that show and then it was Robert Stack, like, in a graveyard set. He's still out there looking for boys like you, Gareth. I was like, oh, my God.

[Dave Anthony]

So scared.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The reenactments. Can you imagine booking one of those reenactments back in the day? Like, things are pretty good. I just booked an unsolved mystery. I'm a wife abuser, but they're saying they want to bring me back for a murder guy.

[Dave Anthony]

Look, we hitchhiked because we trusted people. We didn't have this fear of society like you have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You talking about a guy with a gun?

[Dave Anthony]

It was. He was just showing it off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's weird.

[Dave Anthony]

Don't get weird. I didn't get shot by either guy.

[Jen Kober]

I just showed him my grip sack. That's all.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just. I just had to ride with my grip sack. Out the whole time. Hey, man, it's gonna be a long ride. You might want to take your nuts out. Okay. Hey, man, your paws are probably gonna get pretty sweaty. What do you say we do bags out for this trip?

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, so this is an ad, so I gotta read it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, this is Squarespace. Sorry, Jen.

[Dave Anthony]

So the product is men's. Men's M, E, N A, N S.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So the past times is brought to you by Mensman's. Go ahead, Dave, read the copy.

[Dave Anthony]

Mensman's Peptonized Beef Tonic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So Dave and I. Sorry about that. You have to be here for this, Jen. So Dave and I, look, we love a tonic. We've been into pork tonics for a while. But, Dave, correct me if I'm wrong, this is the best beef tonic I've had. I mean, we love this beef tonic.

[Dave Anthony]

It's such a good beef tonic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, it's just. I mean, who. Who doesn't have a bit of bouillon and think, I wish this was carbonated?

[Dave Anthony]

And, Gareth, this one is peptonized.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love the peptonized one. So use promo code pastimes at checkout when you're getting this new beef tonic. So the past times are. Sorry you have to be here for this, Jen. This is just kind of how we make the money. So this beef tonic is just unbelievable. We love it here at the pastime. I'm drinking a little bit of it right now. If I seem spicy, that's because. Now, remember, use promo code pastimes at checkout. Tell them the dollop said you'd be glad you did.

[Jen Kober]

You know what happened? He invented this beach tonic, and when everybody saw that it was bubbly, they were like, that's kind of girly. Why you got this bubbly beach tonic? That's this kind of girl. He was like, no, no, I'm calling it men's Men's men. It's only for men's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is to burn a hole through a lady throat. Now have a sip of men's men's, and then they're all like, I don't want to be called not manly.

[Jen Kober]

I'm a fizzy beef juice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There you go. Nice beef juice.

[Dave Anthony]

I can look it up. But I do believe peptonized is, like, partially. You put it in a. Through a process that, like, partially digests it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What? And this is Jim. He's gonna drink it, and then we'll take it out of him halfway through.

[Jen Kober]

What are we gonna have him do? If real men's men is meant to be regurgitated and Then drunk by the next guy. That's. That's how you know you're a real men's man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is the men's men is different from all the other brands because it's half taken down already. You're gonna love it.

[Dave Anthony]

We treat you like a baby bird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There you go. This beef tonic, Peptonize refers to the.

[Dave Anthony]

Process of artificially pre digesting food. Typically by using enzymes like pepsin or pancreatic extract to aid digestion.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So they are, they are taking it out. They are taking enzymes out of people and mixing that in or there is someone.

[Dave Anthony]

No, they're taking. They're taking. Well, it is a pancreatic extract or. I don't know what pepsin is, but it breaks down the proteins into smaller peptones, peptides, amino acids. So it's breaking things down.

[Jen Kober]

The gift of being able to make things and what you chose to make was some half digestive fizzy beef juice. I mean there he could have cornered the market on methafee to put his little mind to it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Does anyone know where I could buy some pancreatic enzymes by the way? We laugh but then the liver king exists. So what do we know?

[Dave Anthony]

The only preparation to be of beef containing its entire nutrius properties. It contains blood making, force generating and life sustaining properties.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I actually just got a text. Dave Mensman's dropped out. I guess they didn't like they didn't care for our grasp on their product. That sucks.

[Dave Anthony]

All right. Well that was a good ad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's great. I'm definitely thirsty.

[Dave Anthony]

A party of Commonsville gentlemen consisting of A.B. unongst G.M. hume and Dick Linderman. F.W.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus.

[Dave Anthony]

F.W. dodd. Dobbin. Dick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What the. Just no. Shut up. Shut your goddamn mouth.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Dobbin.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dick. Stop it. Dick.

[Jen Kober]

It was caught by Constable Johnson.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, well, well. Dobbin Dick, if I'm not surprised to see you here again.

[Dave Anthony]

They thrust themselves on the hospitality of Fr. Big and old.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Big and.

[Dave Anthony]

What the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shut up. This is not real. This is not. I'm. Are you being serious? This is like a cartoon.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm serious.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's my type by the way. That's my porn search engine. Big and old.

[Dave Anthony]

It could be big and old, but big and old seems big and old. Fred brought out the watermelon patch and told the boys to go in. Mr. Bignold had some of the finest melons that ever grew. But they are gone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not. Jen. Have at it. I'm not doing it.

[Jen Kober]

This is. It's so obvious. But Their obsession with watermelons is just repugnant, suspicious.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's killing the town.

[Jen Kober]

It is.

[Dave Anthony]

It is killing the town.

[Jen Kober]

And the Indian popul them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

[Dave Anthony]

A shower of fish is reported to have fallen at Monte Morelos, Mexico.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sounds like something Trump would say.

[Jen Kober]

Is that like in that movie Magnolia when it started raining frogs?

[Gareth Reynolds]

The frog rain? Yeah. Fish raining fish.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Sometimes fish just fall from the sky.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A lot of times. Yeah, yeah, that's. That's happening all the time in Tampa.

[Jen Kober]

With the loaves fall as well. Can we get like a whole dinner fish?

[Gareth Reynolds]

And please, Lord, how about some tartar sauce? Hail.

[Dave Anthony]

Pious Pickering. Says his crop of frogs this year is not so large as last year's, but he has an immense crop of hay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, cool. Shit, dude. What.

[Dave Anthony]

What the fuck are you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What a follow up to be like, I don't have any frogs, but I have straw. Cool, dude. Yeah. No. Yeah.

[Jen Kober]

Hey.

[Dave Anthony]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, here we go. Bert, un brought a mammoth radish to our office last Saturday.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is with this town?

[Dave Anthony]

That measured 19 and a half inches. That ain't 23 inches in length. Ain't 10 pounds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That ain't. We had a 28. We had a 28. We Had a 28 incher earlier.

[Dave Anthony]

But Bert.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

It'S really upsetting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just nothing about it. Oh, what a horrible time when it was like, come on over, we're having radish for supper.

[Dave Anthony]

Cumminsville has a turnip eater who would like an engagement. For further particulars, address the Gazette turn up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is. The diet is horrendous. And by the way, it's still pretty much the menu in Britain right now.

[Jen Kober]

But it's vegetables there in Nebraska.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a lot of root. It's a lot of root ones, but.

[Dave Anthony]

So a turnip eater just contacted the paper. He's like, hey, can you get it out there? I'm looking for a turnip.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we need articles.

[Jen Kober]

The way the town was trying to get invited to the dance, it would.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Be great to put turnip eater on Craigslist and just see who hits you up. Turnip beater. Looking for a connection.

[Dave Anthony]

Hello, I'm a turnip.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, just some guys like, hello, come on over. We'll build trains. I'm in a turnip costume.

[Dave Anthony]

The longest thing. This is just a one sentence little blurb. The longest thing. Your friend's favorite story.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's about when you hitchhiked.

[Jen Kober]

That's like the joke of the day, right? Goofes and gallons. Nebraska.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Mr. Vanderbilt has had an Attack of genuine charity.

[Gareth Reynolds]

An attack the rich don't feel empathy. They have attacks of generosity.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, he's there, Bezos. He's the richest man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, right.

[Dave Anthony]

While in the White Mountains, he learned that 30 of the waiters in the hotel where he stopped were college students earning money during the summer vacation to further their education.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Dave Anthony]

So he's like, look at these young men, working students. Wonderful.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

Mr. Vanderbilt left behind him a check for 3,000 to be divided amongst the students, giving them 100 each. The act was probably as noble as anything Vanderbilt ever did. So that is about $2,800 in our big.

[Jen Kober]

His big, exciting, wealthy, philanthropic contribution to our youth was three grand. Like, come on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. And the papers writing about it, like, what a great gesture. Every time you hear that, you're just like. These people should not exist. The idea that you're just like, wow. What Philanthropy from a guy who will never miss it. Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

No, he's. It's nothing.

[Jen Kober]

They all got a hundred dollars and a big radish.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There you are, boys. That's the tip.

[Dave Anthony]

All right, last one. A boy who was tried recently in Kentucky on the charge of carrying a concealed weapon was acquitted on the ground that he was too small to conceal a weapon so large.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you.

[Jen Kober]

That's what I'm saying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where was I gonna even put it? Step a little closer to the mic, boy. Wait, where did I even put it? Very good point. This boy's too tiny.

[Jen Kober]

It's bigger than I am.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't even pick it up. How do you pick it up? Oh, you're so cute. This boy didn't commit a murder. Look at the size of him. Why, he's the size of a matchstick.

[Jen Kober]

I've seen radishes bigger than this boy. Why, he's only 17 inches.

[Dave Anthony]

The paper got three radishes last week bigger than that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Then he pulls out a gun. You fell right into my trap, Judge. Jesus Christ. Little boy.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, God. He's a Native American.

[Jen Kober]

I see a burn on your shoulder.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now watch it. What's with your gym shorts, little man? You know what to do.

[Jen Kober]

Want to go to San Luis Obispo the old fashioned way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, Christ. Jesus Christ. Well, more normal stuff from American history. Jen, thank you for joining us. Happy Pride Month. I'm excited to see Dave in a hat like that that people can go to gencober.com for all your stand updates. Are you gonna slow down with the road for a minute, or are you still just out there doing what you're doing here?

[Jen Kober]

Doing it, man. I'm. I'm safe enough to get to another country.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, good idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know why.

[Jen Kober]

Maybe somewhere where they got big radishes and lots of watermelons.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, we've got the place for you. Well, thank you, Jen. Hilarious as always. Much appreciated.

[Dave Anthony]

And.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And happy pride month. And again, it is an offense to us as straight whites.

[Jen Kober]

Well, there's only 16 throwing. Only six days left. You'll be okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You don't know.

[Dave Anthony]

You don't know what it's like for us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, imagine feeling so marginalized for one month out of the year. All right. Thank you. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Some of these days you'll miss me, honey. Some of these days. Hey, Dollop fans. I know you love the dollop. You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the Dollop? You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth Earth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five parter animation, which is actually like a 22 minute episode or 30 minute episode, I can't remember, of the rube, you can go to LakeSide Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the rube. It. It really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of it. It. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one, so go there and watch the rube.