133 - The Past Times with Wil Anderson

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds

Episode 133: The Past Times with Wil Anderson

Release Date: July 11, 2025
Host: Dave Anthony & Gareth Reynolds
Guest: Will Anderson
Provided by: All Things Comedy

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Introduction and Setup

In episode 133 of The Dollop, titled "The Past Times with Wil Anderson," hosts Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds welcome their returning guest, comedian Will Anderson. The episode commences with a humorous and absurd scenario where Gareth Reynolds is anxiously awaiting biopsy results, setting the tone for the comedic exploration of bizarre historical anecdotes.

Notable Quote:
Dave Anthony [00:56]: "You're listening to the Pastimes. And by pastimes, I made my ex podcast host, Gareth Reynolds."

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Biopsy Result Call - An Absurd Scenario

The episode opens with Gareth receiving an unexpected call about his biopsy results well before his scheduled appointment. The conversation between Gareth and the fictitious Marlon humorously escalates Gareth's anxiety, leading to jokes about early calls typically signifying bad news.

Notable Quote:
Gareth Reynolds [04:07]: "Oh, you got the early call. Like you booked."

The situation takes a darkly comedic turn when Dave Anthony humorously suggests transferring Gareth to the morgue, playing on the fear of receiving bad news prematurely.

Notable Quote:
Dave Anthony [01:56]: "I'm going to transfer you to the morgue."

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The Transition to Newspaper Stories

Shifting gears, Dave introduces a mock historical newspaper segment, where the trio delves into strange and inexplicable events reported in old newspapers. This segment serves as the core historical examination typical of The Dollop, albeit presented with a satirical and surreal twist.

Notable Quote:
Gareth Reynolds [14:45]: "All horses have August 1st."

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The Mysterious Millipede Story

One of the standout segments involves a fictional tale of a "Human Millipede," where Gareth humorously portrays a character who has lost multiple arms, transforming into a millipede-like creature. This absurd narrative is filled with witty banter and slapstick humor, highlighting the hosts' chemistry and comedic timing.

Notable Quote:
Gareth Reynolds [28:54]: "Anybody attracted to my new form? I'm quite lonely. No."

Gareth Reynolds [29:53]: "Let me help you wash. Let's get all of our clothes off while we wash them."

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Discussion on Moving Day and Horse Birthdays

The conversation takes another comedic leap into the realm of historical oddities with a fabricated story about all horses celebrating their birthdays on August 1st. This bizarre claim is dissected by the hosts, leading to humorous confusion and playful debates about the practicality and origins of such a tradition.

Notable Quote:
Will Anderson [54:13]: "In Australia, all horses celebrate their birthday on August 1st."

Gareth Reynolds [56:02]: "All thoroughbreds have the same birthday."

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Conclusion and Guest Farewell

As the episode wraps up, the hosts shift focus back to their guest, Will Anderson, promoting his upcoming solo show in Montreal. The farewell is filled with comedic exchanges, maintaining the lighthearted and whimsical nature of the episode. Additionally, Gareth briefly promotes the animated versions of their episodes, encouraging listeners to engage further with their content.

Notable Quote:
Gareth Reynolds [66:38]: "We're legitimate. You are. It's been too long. Please come back soon."

Dave Anthony [65:35]: "We're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them."

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Final Thoughts

Episode 133 of The Dollop masterfully blends absurd humor with mock historical analysis, featuring a mix of fictional scenarios and playful banter. Through the comedic interplay between Dave Anthony, Gareth Reynolds, and guest Will Anderson, the episode delivers an entertaining exploration of "historical" events that are as humorous as they are surreal. Notable for its witty dialogues and creative storytelling, this episode exemplifies the show's unique approach to comedy and history.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Dave Anthony [00:56]: "You're listening to the Pastimes. And by pastimes, I made my ex podcast host, Gareth Reynolds."

• Gareth Reynolds [04:07]: "Oh, you got the early call. Like you booked."

• Dave Anthony [01:56]: "I'm going to transfer you to the morgue."

• Gareth Reynolds [14:45]: "All horses have August 1st."

• Gareth Reynolds [28:54]: "Anybody attracted to my new form? I'm quite lonely. No."

• Gareth Reynolds [29:53]: "Let me help you wash. Let's get all of our clothes off while we wash them."

• Will Anderson [54:13]: "In Australia, all horses celebrate their birthday on August 1st."

• Gareth Reynolds [56:02]: "All thoroughbreds have the same birthday."

• Gareth Reynolds [66:38]: "We're legitimate. You are. It's been too long. Please come back soon."

• Dave Anthony [65:35]: "We're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them."

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Recommendation

For listeners who enjoy surreal and absurdist humor wrapped in a historical narrative, this episode of The Dollop is a must-listen. The dynamic between the hosts and their guest brings a fresh and entertaining perspective, making complex and bizarre "historical" events both engaging and hilariously absurd.

Transcript

[Marlon]

Hi, Gareth. So you were transferred over to me because you were waiting on some results.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, some biopsy results.

[Marlon]

You don't have your appointment until July 8th. I believe your results will be released then and there. Did someone call you in regards to that?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, they did.

[Marlon]

Oh, very strange. Okay, let me. Because I unfortunately don't have access to the results, let me go ahead and speak to someone, might be a different department and then I'll go ahead and ask them to give you a call back. Is that okay?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Is it weird? Is it weird to get a call early?

[Marlon]

No, it just means that they're probably in earlier. I just have to identify which department tried reaching out to you so they can provide the results to you. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, thank you.

[Marlon]

And then I have your first name and date of birth, if you can please verify that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gareth Reynolds.

[Marlon]

Perfect. Okay. You should be receiving a call hopefully before the end of today. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, thank you.

[Marlon]

Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, bye.

[Dave Anthony]

You're listening to the Pastimes. And by pastimes, I made my ex podcast host, Gareth Reynolds.

[Will Anderson]

If you could just provide me the road you grew up on and the name of your first pet. I think I have all the information I need to access your files.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow, that was a letdown.

[Will Anderson]

Is there any reason that they might have called earlier? It would have been great if she just gone. Oh, yeah. They normally only call if it's bad news.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's bad.

[Will Anderson]

Oh, you got an early call. Like you booked.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, oh, you got the early call. Oh, that's not great.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm going to transfer you to the morgue.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, boy. Do you have a will? I do. He's waiting to do my podcast.

[Will Anderson]

Well, you could just explain to him on the record how you would like your assets divided after your death. Firstly, who gets Dave? That's very important.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think you do. Is that a gremlin?

[Will Anderson]

Oh, no, that's debatable.

[Dave Anthony]

Honestly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think the show started. Should we do an intro?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're listening to Past Times. You know what we do here? Each week we go through a newspaper for Brandon David. History picked out by none other than Dave Anthony. I, Gareth Reynolds, have never seen it. Neither is this week's guest, the great Will Anderson, who we've been waiting to have back. Like I've been waiting to have my biopsy results from my back.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah. I will say this, this has not been the early call. This has been this. This has been in the works since the newspaper we're going to be talking about today was actually published.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Will Anderson]

This was originally a topical podcast when you asked me to do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, well, it's not about my biopsy results. Hi, Will.

[Will Anderson]

Hello. Welcome back to you both. It's good to see you both.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We miss you.

[Will Anderson]

Thank you. Thanks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How have you been?

[Will Anderson]

I'm good. I'm. I'm good. I'm really good. We were in. I'm in Sydney at the moment and in the last couple of days there's been massive storms off the coast of Australia. So, like, you know, flights were grounded all over the place. The weather seems to be changing for some reason that no one can identify. So anyway, if you guys have any notes on why that might be happening, if you could pass those down, that'd be very handy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't think you tried removing health care from the citizens. That's been going pretty good for my end. We've been doing pretty good with that move.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah. Well, I mean, I think that really puts it back on the citizens to take more care of themselves. Right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Will Anderson]

Like, if you've got no safety net, you concentrate more on that tightrope walking. That's what I've always said.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's what's great is my biopsy results. I had the biopsies taken when I had health care and I've since lost it, so that could be interesting.

[Will Anderson]

I mean, that's what they were calling about. Maybe that's why they were calling early. They're like, we've got two more weeks of this where we can get you in before this all is rushed through. We're just going to remove the moles regardless. We don't care. Just come in, we'll whip them all out. Cancerous or not, this is your last chance. They've all got to go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Really? What I should have done. In retrospect, they're probably just like, you have to pay a fee for a results fee, if you'd like to know.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, no, they don't do that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're gonna be in Montreal. Is this true?

[Will Anderson]

Yeah, this is true. That's as close to America as I'm comfortable at the moment.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This way. Come on. This way, guy.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

You've never said anything about Trump.

[Will Anderson]

Come here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come have a hang out.

[Dave Anthony]

Load up your fun with your phone, with all your memes and head over.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get over here.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah. Yes. I'm going to be at the Montreal Just for last festival, July 25th. I'm doing my solo show, Will Legitimate. So if there is any listeners in that part of the world who want to come along, that would be great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We do big in Montreal. So this is. You're going to see a bump, but I just can't help but think that it would really help if you came here to do an in person visit.

[Dave Anthony]

That's right. That's right.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'd love. I'd love that. I would absolutely love that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Die with us.

[Will Anderson]

I. It's so funny. My. My flight on the way back goes through America. Oh, where? Well, it's okay. Not technically through America, if you know what I mean. Like, we never leave you. Yeah. As long as I don't turn left at the airport and keep going right, I'm still safe. But I will technically be in America.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's a fee for that. You got to pay. A fee is $8 to just fly by.

[Will Anderson]

Got to buy a submarine. $25 billion.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Oh, fuck. It's so bad. Is everyone. Does everyone there realize how bad it is? You must. You must just be like, does everyone?

[Will Anderson]

Yes, because you were. You were our only plan. We've got more invested in America than America has. Like, where. Where, like a. Like a predominantly English colonized country in the middle of Asia. Like, China could invade Australia with the kids who played drums at the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics. They'd be like, we're getting the. We're getting the band back together and we're taking over Sydney by Monday. Like, we have. We have bought, like, 20 submarines from America that are meant to be delivered in 20 years from now.

[Dave Anthony]

And for me, yeah, it's not a.

[Will Anderson]

Good idea to publicly announce the timeline. Unless you're saying it's 20 years, then it's actually 10 years. The absolute funniest thing that China could do is just wait until the week before they arrive. So, I mean, like, as they hear they're coming over, just like, all right, we'll take them now. Plus we get those 20 new subs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, what the fuck? Sorry. No, well, it is. It's. It's good to talk to you. It just. It's been too long and we thought maybe you were sitting there thinking America was doing well, but I guess we've had that shattered.

[Will Anderson]

No, no, I mean, we're fully invested in America, like, you know, to our absolute detriment. So please, pull it together.

[Dave Anthony]

It's like investing in Enron. It's just not a good idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, Enron, the country. Turns out not great. It's been. And wrong. Well, people. Where can people get tickets to your show? Will, did you already say that?

[Will Anderson]

Comedy dot com. Or, like, go to the Montreal website. I'm sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. All right. And we'll be flying over America, so that'll be great. So, Will. I don't know. I don't know. The show's changed a lot because you were. You were maybe on the second episode or something.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The show's just changed a ton of. Now we guess what year this paper could be from, and you get to guess first because Dave is going to tell me that I got it wrong no matter what. So you can take first crack at it. Dave, don't even talk.

[Dave Anthony]

What are you talking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dave? Go ahead, Will.

[Will Anderson]

1802.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a great guess. It's a great guess. I'm gonna guess this is gonna be an Australian paper. So I think that's fair. And I'll go 1849.

[Dave Anthony]

Nope. Will wins. It's 1858, and it is the Syracuse Daily Courier and Nation. And the reason that Will wins is because of your just grotesquely confident spouting that it would be an Australian paper. What a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not wrong. I just was telling you.

[Dave Anthony]

It's just so precise.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The contest was the year, and I was closer.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, you took yourself down, though, didn't you? At some point, it becomes. Not about the year.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whatever.

[Dave Anthony]

It becomes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whatever. Look, we don't want. We have company. Could you keep it together while we have a guest? Christ, he hasn't been on this show for four years. Get it together.

[Dave Anthony]

The Syracuse Daily Courier and Union Syracuse, New York Saturday, May 1, 1858. Will, have you ever been to Syracuse?

[Will Anderson]

No, I don't think so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where's Shithole?

[Dave Anthony]

It's upstate New York. Kind of Middle ish. In New York State.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've performed at their Funny bone a few times and they call it the Murder Mall.

[Will Anderson]

The Murder Mall?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Things are good because people get shot there all the time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, Multiple murders. Oh, here's a fun, just quick, Americana story. The first time I went there, my numbers were real bad. And I was kind of feeling bad. And then. And then I just, like, started, like, people on Twitter were like, I'm like, I'm braving it to the Murder Mall to go see Gareth. And I was like, what? And the club was on the fourth floor of the mall and. And there had been a shooting there the weekend before. So, like, people were a little skittish. And I go to the club and the guy who was the manager at the time, he was like, sure. You heard about the shooting last week? I want you to know the club is the safest place to be if there is another One. And I was like, what? Because I was like, you're on the fourth floor. Possibly not the safest place. He goes. My wife and I both open carry, so you don't need to go anywhere. And I was like, cool. All right, well, good vibe. I'm excited for the weekend. This is great.

[Will Anderson]

Well, firstly, Murder Mall is my favorite Oasis song. So I will say that just when you said, there's so many murders at the mall, because I still have that Australian mindset, my brain didn't immediately go to. Of course, the most obvious answer, which is somebody went into the mall with a gun and started shooting people. Like, in my head, I still had, like, the Midsummer Murders, British mystery vibe, where I'm like, there's been a poisoning in the food court.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, it's just murders. Actual shootings.

[Will Anderson]

Somebody bought a sausage roll with foraged mushrooms, and now 18 people have gone down near the KFC.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nobody's leaving until we figure out who's done this.

[Dave Anthony]

No, actually, Brad. Brad got executed outside of the men's restroom for looking at a guy weird. So it's a little different.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, free to go. Are the police gonna show up? They shot an innocent guy. Oh, Lord. This is not. But don't eat the food it can. God, what is this? Why is it so full? I don't know. We kind of stopped caring about everything.

[Dave Anthony]

I was thinking that it was Mr. Plum in the library with the candlestick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And this is just this city. No, this is literally everywhere you go in this country now. What?

[Dave Anthony]

Also, the libraries are closed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, also. Also, what's a library? I think I'm gonna be sick.

[Will Anderson]

A lot of the time. When you're in Australia, they will say, audiences in America are good comedy audiences, you know, like, they know how to be an audience. They know how to behave as an audience. But I think something we've never taken into account is they're also just grateful that they've survived by making it to the comedy club. And they know that they might not survive making it home again. So you might as well stand at a port at the end.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, absolutely. There's. And. And there's just an energy. Like, there's an energy to being like, I don't think anyone's shooting at this show. Like, when you get halfway through it, you're like, I got a pretty good feeling. That guy would have already shot.

[Will Anderson]

That was a good hour where we did not die.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't feel that threatened.

[Dave Anthony]

It is amazing that a comedian has not been shot on stage at this point, though.

[Will Anderson]

Oh, yeah. But, you know, there's somebody out there who wants to be. To go viral. Like, you know that the next Matt. Matt Rife just is one shooting away. Like if you are wounded on stage. I mean, Jim Jefferies had been a huge UK comedian for ages, but didn't become an international star until he was like, remember, he got punched on stage. And that went viral of him being punched on stage. And then he kind of became this huge international act off the back of it. You can't. If somebody. I mean, you don't obviously don't want to kill shot. But if you like, if one of your jokes was so good, someone popped you in the shoulder. Yeah. You can't tell me that doesn't get you a Saturday Night Live hosting slot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, and when we sling all sketches.

[Will Anderson]

Still in the sling.

[Dave Anthony]

That's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What we should be doing is prepping for our line after we get shot right now to show the quick one, too.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, I'm just like, well, my jokes didn't hit, but that did, you know, Whoa. You know, it's depressingly fun. We'll be there in no time, will we? We've definitely. We'll be there. So get ready. Ready. The couch.

[Will Anderson]

Oh, yeah. You just mean you and Dave coming to say, that's okay. I thought you meant the Americans coming to invade.

[Dave Anthony]

That comes 10 years later.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't worry. We can't get it together when you.

[Dave Anthony]

Guys are like, save us from China. And we're like, all right, we'll invade you wait.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah, we're moving in. That's how we're saving it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah. All right, Dave, let's start the premise then.

[Dave Anthony]

All right. Last week near Bainbridge, Chenango county, there was found under an old stone wall, an overcoat of a fashion worn some 40 years ago and a pair of old rifle pistols with flintlocks. It's exciting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a hairstyle so mystery.

[Dave Anthony]

The stone Wall is some 40 to 50 years old and stood near where a public house was kept many years ago. This discovery will probably lead to a panic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you allowed to predict panics?

[Dave Anthony]

Why wouldn't. Why would it lead to a panic?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I didn't know that was how.

[Will Anderson]

Why would that be? Predict a panic. But also, even the idea of predicting a panic through the medium of newspaper, like, a panic seems more immediate than like, I'm just taking this straight down to the printers. And then the panic will ensue.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hopefully it hasn't started by the time they print. Panic predicted.

[Dave Anthony]

This paper. This paper from Wednesday Is talking about the panic we did on Monday.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Like it's a cold front. It just missed us. It hit Albany.

[Dave Anthony]

The UTI and Herald says a laboring man who was spading a gentleman's garden.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, I thought he was gonna say cat.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah, I thought so too. I really thought that's the direction it was going in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There you go.

[Will Anderson]

You need me to desex this garden mate.

[Dave Anthony]

At Steuben Street Cornhill, to his surprise, was struck upon a human skull. Oh, wait, the last. The last story. They found a coat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

On further investigation, the skeleton apparently of a full sized man was dug out.

[Will Anderson]

Oh, so they found more that more than a skull. The skull was just the tip of the rest of the body. It.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Yeah. Holy. There's more.

[Dave Anthony]

Wouldn't you write the story?

[Gareth Reynolds]

They found a body like skeleton found.

[Will Anderson]

I mean, it's a real taser, isn't it? They found a skull and they also found a neck and they found a couple of shoulders. And you'll never believe what they found next.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where's 3A? Where's 3A?

[Dave Anthony]

How it came there is a mystery which has not been solved. Well, yeah, that's what happens when you find a body. Like man died immediately. No, the place had been occupied as a garden for some years and the body must have been buried there a long time ago. The skeleton was in a good state of preservation. And no fractures? No fractures were observed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think it's just Keith. Well, okay. So they really had a good look.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, and I mean there's not much more to that except for body found in garden, but yeah, they really stretched that one out quite a bit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I mean, it's 1850.

[Will Anderson]

No predictions of panics though. Like, it feels fine. This one's been there for a while. No one's going to panic.

[Dave Anthony]

This is also before headlines. They didn't have headlines.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Although this. This might be my doctor.

[Will Anderson]

Here we go. Oh, shit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, Hello.

[Marlon]

Hi, this is Marlon with our electric heating and air reaching out in regards to the appointment that had been requested for today. I've been trying to get a hold of you, but I haven't been able to get a hold of you in regards to confirming. I wanted to see if by any chance you were available either tomorrow morning or tomorrow afternoon.

[Dave Anthony]

Sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Tomorrow afternoon's great. I'm just waiting on a biopsy.

[Marlon]

Okay, perfect. No worries. We'll see you tomorrow afternoon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I appreciate it. Thank you. Bye bye.

[Marlon]

Thank you.

[Will Anderson]

Nothing really. Trying to completely disengage a biopsy, you say? Oh, well, great. That's Fantastic. So you'll be home tomorrow afternoon?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Will you be alive then? All right. Take care, then.

[Will Anderson]

Is the hating still going to be an issue?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Couldn't give a. Should call back. I'm a little freaked out. Sorry, sir. Sorry, David.

[Will Anderson]

That's all right.

[Dave Anthony]

Matricide.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here we go. That's when you kill a bunch of mattresses.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah, we got some. Hold on. We're not. We're not both necessary now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Really. Why'd you bring two?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, one's kind of more of a box spring. The Panama star of the 18th says that on the. So, Panama. So now we're getting Panama news.

[Will Anderson]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Unless Panama is a town in New York, sure. The Panama star of the 18th says that on the previous Thursday evening, two young girls were brought into town from Padora and delivered up to authorities charging with murdering their mother under the following circumstances.

[Will Anderson]

Oh, okay.

[Dave Anthony]

The girls wish to go to a fandango.

[Will Anderson]

Oh, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

You know, you got even. Even in Australia. You know what a fandango is, right?

[Will Anderson]

Well, from. I know what a fandango is from, obviously the queen song that mentions a fandango. There you go and asks and poses the question, can you do the fandango? But I was. That. I was always thought that the fandango was like some sort of dance or something, based on the context clues from. Oh, it's a. It's a party. So when he says, can you do the fandango? He's like, can you come to the fandango?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a fandango dance. It's a lively Portuguese dance.

[Will Anderson]

All right.

[Dave Anthony]

And there. And their mother refused her consent, notwithstanding which they managed to get away and returned at an early hour in the morning. All right, so they did what girls do. Young ladies snuck out.

[Will Anderson]

They went to the fandango.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right.

[Dave Anthony]

On reaching home, the mother attempted to correct them. Angry words ensued, and one of the girls struck the old woman to the ground with a stick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Boom. That's how you do it.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Will Anderson]

How? How I murdered my mother. Great.

[Dave Anthony]

Who's. Who's grounded now?

[Will Anderson]

Who's granted.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who's in the ground?

[Will Anderson]

You're going in the garden like the other one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just like dad. These girls love the fandango.

[Dave Anthony]

Whilst the other plunged a knife into her bosom.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, Jesus Christ that. Why not? This is more of a stabbing than anything.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. A younger sister who was present, alarmed the neighbors, and the two murderesses were arrested and brought into Panama and delivered up to authorities.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, you know, they wanted to go to the party.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like fandango's the devil's dance.

[Dave Anthony]

I think we're all.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know. They showed their mother who's boss right.

[Dave Anthony]

Now. She knows the old club. I mean, she doesn't because she's dead, but she.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They went clubbing twice, in a way.

[Dave Anthony]

There was kind of two fandangos, weren't they?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Teach your mom to speak up. I like it.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I'm for it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Usa. Usa.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, this may be our America showing, but. Yeah. Kill your moms.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah. Obviously in Australia, you know, we. We have the Fandingo, which is just a twist on that, but you do have to watch out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of course you do. And it's a chocolate bloody tasty.

[Dave Anthony]

The most singular coincidence is mentioned in relation to the lamented Dudley Ting, whose death in consequence of an accident, making amputation of the arm necessary. All our readers know there's a lot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of death early in this one.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, we're really getting into it.

[Will Anderson]

So. But hang on. His death resulted in the amputation of his arm? Is that what they just said? Because that.

[Dave Anthony]

In consequence. So it was death in consequence of an accident.

[Will Anderson]

Right. So that's the arms come off and then the death has happened.

[Dave Anthony]

I hoped.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I do like going the other way, though.

[Dave Anthony]

I do, too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

His arms are going to have to come off.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

To get him in the coffin.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah, that's right. We've made the coffin slightly too small, but we have. The good news is we have a solution.

[Dave Anthony]

Can we just.

[Will Anderson]

He will never be able to do the arm movements from the fandango again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But he was. Days of fandangling are done.

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, boss, can't we just fold the arms on top like that?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no. We'll take them off. We got this.

[Will Anderson]

We'll keep him in the box. We can put them down near the feet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There we are. Yep, exactly. There we go.

[Will Anderson]

He's still all in there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here we go. Just kind of stack him a little bit. That's nice.

[Will Anderson]

There's an afterlife. I'm sure they can reattach them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's nice. That's good.

[Dave Anthony]

Krypto guy up in heaven. I can't put these back on. The last sermon preached in James hall by Mr. Mr. Ting was from the text. Show thyself a man at the close of his earnest remarks. He asked pardon if he said. He asked pardon if he had said anything to offend any number of his congregation. And added quote, I must tell my master's errand and would rather that his right arm were amputated at the trunk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Dave Anthony]

So he said Is anybody offended?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Huh?

[Dave Anthony]

And if anybody's an edge lord, edgelord.

[Will Anderson]

Comedian of the time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Will Anderson]

Anything anymore?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Anybody?

[Will Anderson]

Here? I'm cancelled, am I? Anyway, I'll be on a 150 day tour.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't cut a man's arm off after he's passed away.

[Dave Anthony]

I must tell my masters. Aaron would rather that he, that his.

[Will Anderson]

Right.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, so he's saying that, you know, I, I, rather than offending you, I would rather my arms get cut off, basically.

[Will Anderson]

Oh yeah, okay. And then his arms were cut off.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, at the same time laying his left hand upon his right arm at the very place it was afterwards cut off.

[Will Anderson]

Oh, okay. Yes. Right. So later he's had to have his arm cut off. And earlier in the day in his speech at church he's been talking about the fact that he would rather have his arms cut off and then later on his arms have been cut off.

[Dave Anthony]

Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. Right, so that is a story.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah, something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Holy shit.

[Dave Anthony]

God was like, yeah, you were shit. Like I told you that you were good and you pushed it. You pushed it. You could have just done the bad sermon and moved on, but you had to fucking push it, kid.

[Will Anderson]

And you know, God's up there with the list, with the transcript. He's like, it says right here, mate, right here. You literally said out loud in church, the place where I'm always listening.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was hyperbole. I'm sorry. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

And by the way, I can't put those back on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like I, I tried but it's a huge marketing move.

[Dave Anthony]

A man named Charles Manore, an adopted son of George Hosteter, proprietor of the Tremont House, while walking on the railroad track on Thursday afternoon, was run over. Was run over by the switch engine.

[Will Anderson]

Oh.

[Dave Anthony]

And had his arm broken in five places. And his hand badly mutated. Mutilated. Well, so he didn't really get run over. I mean, kind of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's a switch? What's the switch?

[Dave Anthony]

I guess, I guess if you're, you can fall under a train and based on, based on all the films I've seen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you can.

[Dave Anthony]

And just like lay low and it'll go over you. But he must add his arm out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And his arm out.

[Will Anderson]

And earlier that day he'd been talking about the fact that he loved trains so much he was willing to lose an arm. For once.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Has an arm epidemic.

[Dave Anthony]

Gentlemen, I am begging you to stop saying you blackity blank or cut off my arm. I'm begging you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If it keeps happening, I'll cut my arm off. A bear. A bear. Why'd he just take my arm?

[Will Anderson]

The mortician comes in, he goes, look, we didn't mention at the time, but that skull we found in the garden. No arms.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whoa.

[Dave Anthony]

Wait a minute.

[Will Anderson]

So, like, they find a man who's like, gone around this town, taking everybody's arms and fashioning them into some big sort of like, he wants to be the human spy spider or something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, he's like, it's me, the millipede. Jesus Christ, Barry.

[Will Anderson]

What the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Aha. You all laughed at me when I said I could millipede myself 10 years ago. But I've been taking arms one by one and turning myself into the millipede.

[Will Anderson]

A very human millipede. End up without ridicule over the ages.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Very clear what this means. I'm the man with a million legs and that's it.

[Dave Anthony]

I gotta be honest, we're probably gonna ridicule you more now because you got all these arms dangling off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I eat his lettuce.

[Will Anderson]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm in your gardens at night. Not so funny now, is it? My blood's green. So, not sure what to do next because I kind of never thought past this moment. But every. Nobody. Y' all aren't as freaked out as I. I've been taking the arms of these citizens for 10 years. Yeah, it was strange that people. Hold on. Didn't you think it was strange that people were losing arms?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, but we're totally desensitized to it. Like, we've seen so many arms come off. Like nobody here has an arm anymore.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are any women attracted to my new form? I'm quite lonely. No.

[Will Anderson]

Can I ask one follow up question, please? Human millipede, did you ever consider taking any. Any legs or just exclusively arms?

[Gareth Reynolds]

In retrospect, as far as movement goes, legs would have been wise. Do millipedes have legs? Who knows? I was unable to really figure out what they are, to be honest. How many legs do they have? I mean, I'm only one guy or millipede Perry.

[Dave Anthony]

A lot of those look like dog legs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Summer dog legs. Summer table legs. It's been pretty diff. It's been pretty difficult, to be quite honest. Is anyone here a bug doctor? Some of them aren't taking in the way that I would hope. All right, all right. Well, good to see everybody. I thought. I don't know. We kind of just want to.

[Dave Anthony]

We kind of just want to watch you walk out of town. Now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't walk too far.

[Will Anderson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's one of the thousand issues I've come up with, honestly.

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, Barry?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Is that a woman? All right.

[Dave Anthony]

Like, half of them went up. That was crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that kind of. It's kind of cool in a way. Yeah. See? Not so crazy now, am I? Any. Would any women have their hands up? I'm trying to kind of scan the. Can the guys. Will the guys duck? So I can see the potential. Someone's gotta want it.

[Dave Anthony]

So come on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You ever done it Millie style? That's where you lay under me and. Hello. All right, I will see you guys. I am going to get out of here.

[Dave Anthony]

Did I. Did I even read this end part? Surgeons were sent for who amputated his arm close to his body. I didn't get to that. I don't think I got to that part.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Will Anderson]

Well.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But that's fun, too. We put it on his neck. There we go. Perfect. A perfect match.

[Dave Anthony]

Settled the dispute as to whether Ms. Fremont's name is Jesse or Anne has been decided by the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, that she didn't weigh in.

[Dave Anthony]

Right. By the publication of her father, Colonel Benton's will. Her name is Jesse. Jesse Ann.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesse Ann.

[Will Anderson]

Oh.

[Dave Anthony]

So that both parties in this important controversy were right and both were wrong.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Important controversy. This was big.

[Will Anderson]

So there was big talk around town that Jesse Ann was called Jessie or Anne, and nobody could work out whether her name was Anne or Jessie. And it turns out in her father's will, it's Jessie Ann.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like a gender reveal, but in a will.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah. It's a real steep drop off from all the murder stories, isn't it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, who was that guy in the garden? We don't know, but her name is Jessie Ann.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Isn't that crazy?

[Dave Anthony]

As soon as the millipede guy walks out of town, they're like, now back to this Jesse Ann.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah. One side of the town starts sending Jesse, the other one's standing in. We'll find anything to divide us. We just like being right or wrong and angry. We don't actually care.

[Dave Anthony]

A deadly color, the new Azoff green of the Paris spring fashions is dyed with such poisonous materials.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, wow.

[Dave Anthony]

That the seamstresses who prick their fingers while sewing it lose the use of their hands.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Holy.

[Will Anderson]

And the use of their hands.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hands again.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Back to the hands.

[Will Anderson]

This feel. It feels like the editor of this paper has, like, the kind of reverse Quentin Tarantino thing. You know, he's always got, like, close ups of feet in his stuff. This was like. Yes. And then here's another story about something that happened to a hand.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Have I told you anything about the time I Saw a woman put her finger in soup. This is a paper. I know, but I just. Wow. She burned. I asked if I could lick it. Sir, how great are arms.

[Dave Anthony]

And ladies have been taken violently ill from wearing shawls of this color.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So we've got it. This is so. This really is so American. Even though this is outside of America. But the idea of like, a color will kill you. But people like. But I love it.

[Dave Anthony]

It's so great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's so radium, too.

[Dave Anthony]

The last line is. The tint is very brilliant.

[Will Anderson]

Beautiful. It's beautiful.

[Dave Anthony]

So worth it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where did you get this? She's dead, sir.

[Will Anderson]

And she. Die.

[Dave Anthony]

Die.

[Will Anderson]

It was the time to die. I know she's dead, but how did she die? Die. Hang on, is this a bit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm a new coroner now. This woman's died. She did. She was. Died. And she's died.

[Will Anderson]

She did die. And now she's died from. She previously died. And she died from the die.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's dead, though.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah, she died.

[Dave Anthony]

Died.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah, from the die. What was the diarrhea?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, God.

[Will Anderson]

And she died.

[Dave Anthony]

She died. A word to parents. The sad accidents which have occurred on the line of the railroad in this city within a few days past induce us to offer a few words of admonition to the parents and guardians of children. Okay. There is a recklessness and want of care manifested on the part of children in this city. Yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Children are so needy.

[Dave Anthony]

I just. When kids are reckless, I don't. Which is utterly shocking to witness. They run heedlessly into danger without a single thought or manifesting the least regard for life.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They are stupid.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, as the trains pass our window every day, we behold with horror little boys hanging on to the sides of the freight trains and the platforms of the cars. Well, yeah, they're boys, sure. It's literally their job. That's their job. You do crazy when you're a boy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

So you're a boy.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah. I mean, there was literally a story in the Melbourne papers this week about, like, the fact that, like, kids are still running on the top of the trains, like, all around Melbourne and stuff and how dangerous it is. And I saw like in New York, they're apparently, like. Yeah. Running on top of trains. Apparently. It's big on tick tock. So, yes, not much has changed since the 1840s. Now you can pretty much do the exact same thing and whack it on your tick tock.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, because. Yeah, I've seen that and I've seen news shows on it where, like. Because Kids are like, paralyzed and shit because they ran into a tunnel wall or whatever. And. And they're. And their friend and they're just like, don't do it to their friends. And their friends. Like, but I got. But I got the juice, man. I gotta do it. It's very. Hey, you only live once.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure. I get it.

[Will Anderson]

The dollop.

[Dave Anthony]

Sorry. The pastimes does not. It does not promote train running and topping.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The dollop does, though we should point out. The dollop is super into children jumping and running on trains.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. It's a. It's a complex.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's the American spirit.

[Dave Anthony]

That's right. And please. Fettered and please, as we say on the dollop, if you're going to jump from roof train to roof train. Carry a gun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Do it loaded. Locked and loaded. Absolutely.

[Dave Anthony]

Or don't. Or just have it out in your hand. They jump off and on at discretion, notwithstanding the vigilance of the conductor and those in charge who have strict injunctions to drive them off. Seeing this as we do from our office window daily, our only surprise is that more of these foolish boys are not killed than there are. We would suggest to pair.

[Will Anderson]

It feels a bit disappointed so many.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of them are living.

[Will Anderson]

We're looking out the window, really hoping to see one go down. We saw one guy, like, one guy lose one arm. That's it. That's all we've seen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did someone lose an arm?

[Dave Anthony]

God damn it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Barry. Hey. I'll take it.

[Dave Anthony]

We know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where's Jesse Ann? I will have a wife. The millipede needs a queen.

[Dave Anthony]

We would suggest to parents the necessity of cautioning their children against this. This truly dangerous practice and in such strong terms that it will be remembered. If parents would enforce this. There would be little cause for recrimination between citizens of Washington street and the railroad company. And accidents become few and far between. Let parents and guardians adopt the suggestion. By all means.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Why doesn't the train slow down when it gets to town?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's no fun.

[Dave Anthony]

Why are you barely.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We got to keep it moving.

[Dave Anthony]

Just saying. Why are you barreling through?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because time is money, baby. USA what's more important? Getting somewhere on time or your son? Exactly.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. You put it that way. The trophies secured by the English upon the fall of the city of Canton. Worse of some value. But the gain of the English was no comparison to the loss suffered by the Chinese. Oh, for very little. Besides, the powder rockets and blue lights are of any practical value to the British Army. The stink pots mentioned cannot be used by any civilized nation.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Dave Anthony]

This took a weird turn.

[Will Anderson]

Stink pots.

[Dave Anthony]

That's it. Stink. Stink pots.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. Still, the question, I think, is valid.

[Will Anderson]

I mean, are we talking about, like, the sort of things you could order from a comic book when you were little, like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, right.

[Will Anderson]

Specs and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stink pots.

[Will Anderson]

Were we using stink pots in battle? Is stink pots mean something else other than what I think it means, or is there. I think it.

[Dave Anthony]

I don't think it can mean anything else. It's just got to be a stink pot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A smelly pot.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. The odious missiles are said to be offensive missiles.

[Will Anderson]

I love odious missiles. One of my favorite bands.

[Dave Anthony]

Are said to be offensive beyond human endurance. Indescribably so, as testified to those who have had the misfortune to come in contact with them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is. It's a. It's a historical weapon.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

An earthenware pot filled with noxious materials used in warfare.

[Will Anderson]

Right.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Yeah. What are you putting on all the arms that you didn't.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

They are placed in a small float just large enough to contain them and the man who is to manage the offensive operation, they are then allowed to float with the tide until the proper position near the side of the ship is attained, which is always in the night. And the match is then fired. And if all works well, the hideous missile is landed on the ship's deck, and the effluvium is so offensive and powerful that no human lungs can inhale it for one moment, and an immediate stampede must take place.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's got sulfur, gunpowder, nails, and noxious materials.

[Will Anderson]

So it's just. It's just general, whatever we can find. It's a real. A real dim, sim approach of just like mystery mates have just combined it all together. We'll just do the chicken nuggets of warfare. Like, whatever we've got here, we'll just chuck in and blend up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was just a simple idea. He's like, it'll be smelly, and someone's like, we should put nails in it. It was like we're getting away from the original pitch and glass.

[Will Anderson]

Basically. It is just something that stinks that you can light on fire, that you shoot at your enemy. Right. So it's the equivalent of somebody, like, putting a. In a brown paper bag and lighting it on fire outside somebody's door. That's basically what they were doing, a warfare version of that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But how much better is that weapon on the porch if you put a bunch of nails in it?

[Will Anderson]

Yeah, just put some nails in there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ, my fart. I'm covered in my foot's cut. Got him. Got him.

[Dave Anthony]

Bam.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Got his ass.

[Will Anderson]

TikTok. 2030.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, man. Just falling over after he stops the out.

[Will Anderson]

He's down also. That will give him a terrible infection.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So infected now.

[Will Anderson]

Dude, your foot is man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Enjoy the next six weeks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's over. It's burned, hold infected. And one.

[Dave Anthony]

The poor creature whose doing it is to execute this Chinese mandate does so at the sacrifice of his life. Oh, that's interesting. So it's a maybe to suicidal like it's a. The annexed are the items quote at the capture of Canton. 40430 guns are found in the city. £300,000 of powder, 5,000 rockets, 2,000 blue lights, 3,000 stink pots and 6 tons of bullets. Wow. A letter from China estimates the loss of lives by the bombardment of Canton at 10,000. Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ.

[Dave Anthony]

So we sure we sound horrible. The white. The white. I assume this is Britain, right? Because they're always.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Was it or was it dunde British Britain?

[Dave Anthony]

No, it wasn't done to Britain. The Chinese never attacked.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, then it is cool. Oh, thank God.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

English army. English army. Upon the fall of the city of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right on.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She got the old stink part, haven't you? Yeah. Knock it off. Yeah. Could see one of those at like a. A Premier League game. Hell, someone's done a stink part.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

The body of a murdered schoolmaster is said to have been found on the road not long since with his head full of fractions.

[Will Anderson]

Oh, that's.

[Dave Anthony]

It was stunning math. I don't know what that you're not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Able to like in the blood or just like decimals. He was thinking of math. That would be so great. If you bludgeoned someone. Their thoughts spilled out.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my God. God. Oh, that'd be the best.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look at this.

[Dave Anthony]

But then many more people wanted to buy a house. You know, Peter Thiel's working on that.

[Will Anderson]

I feel like this is just the work of somebody who was so wrapped with the fact that the priest who was talking about wanting to lose his arms lost his arms, that they're like, you know what? We're just putting everybody's job into this bit. Like the math guy was murdered. He was thinking about math. Yeah. There was quadratic equations spilled all around him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's just a bunch of X's and equal signs over here, sir. This man was a teacher.

[Dave Anthony]

Officer Eagle has in his possession at the police office a copper boiler taken from a boy who had probably stolen it on Friday last. Boiler is a good one and the owner can have It. By applying at the police office. Yeah. Yeah, that's my. Yeah, that's mine.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah, that's my boiler, actually. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is it? There's an inscription on it. What did it say?

[Will Anderson]

Yeah, it said.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, you first.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah, you say. You know what. Actually, you say what it says, and I'll tell you if it's my boiler based on that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Copper boiler?

[Will Anderson]

Yeah, Copper boiler. Yeah, yeah. Copper boiler. Yeah, yeah. Yep. For boiling coppers. Well, probably the wrong time to bring it up, but. Sorry, excuse me. Murder. Police. A lot of police.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How did they catch you? Well.

[Will Anderson]

It all started with the boy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This guy's a hell of a detective.

[Will Anderson]

Never should have brought in any projects. That's my first mistake. I put a boy on and he stole the boiler.

[Dave Anthony]

Moving day. We presume all our readers who have changed their location 1 may have already found out that last Saturday was moving day. What a bore, this. What a bore is this, moving out. What with upsetting furniture, cracking mirrors, breaking crockery, tearing up carpets, crosswives, squalling children and cold dinners, it is enough to put the patience of several jobs to the test. We notice at many private residences Saturday that preparations were being made to move out. It was a busy day, and if it had proved a rainy May day, woe to husbands and wives and woe to the help.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So they're just saying moving sucks?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah. I mean, I feel like this feels more like you're editorial slash opinion piece about, like an issue of the day. Like, it's got a real sort of, like, what is the deal with moving? Why is moving so hard?

[Gareth Reynolds]

How bad is moving? And if it rains sucks way more. That's what I'm saying. And I got a paper for you. You're gonna have to sift through 40 ARM articles. What? Just keep reading.

[Will Anderson]

So there is a lot of murder in today's bay breeze, though.

[Dave Anthony]

Don't worry, you get to the moving stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's right at the end there. They found a man in a garden. Keep reading. Who's the millipede? Good, just get that one.

[Will Anderson]

You know how it is with moving day when you've got to move your couch and your chair and all those bodies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know who could really help on a day of moving? The millipede.

[Dave Anthony]

That guy's like a weird Grendel guy that lives up in the hill. No, I'm not.

[Will Anderson]

You know how it's hard in this town to actually get anyone to help you move because everybody's arms have been removed?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it's gonna be hard to get all this stuff out of here. The guy took our arms. Well, well, well, well, well. Look who comes crawling back. Not so crazy now.

[Will Anderson]

You're the one crawling back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, come on. That's. That was such a cheap shot, man. I'm not crawl. Come on, now, that's crawling.

[Dave Anthony]

I would call that crawling.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can I finish? You can rent me to help you move.

[Dave Anthony]

Why would I want a crawlipede to help me move?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not a crawlipede. Millipede. All right, listen. There's been a whole baseline of disrespect cooking through this town in a bad way lately, all right? There any women around here?

[Dave Anthony]

No, there's no women. Stay away from the women.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to the women.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah, stay away from the women and stay away from the children. We think you might be a Millie. Pedophile.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on, now. Come on, now, that's not cool. Now, let's just stop those rumors right now. I would never. Good God.

[Dave Anthony]

Are those rabbit legs?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, some of them are feet. What? And there's a chicken and one. I sewed a frog to me, too, but I didn't know. I never touched a youth. That's disgusting.

[Dave Anthony]

We never said that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I did not.

[Dave Anthony]

You got, like, 30 farm animals hanging off you at this.

[Will Anderson]

It's just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow, guys. Can anyone move further than a man with like, 800 legs? A very extreme species. I mean, look at me.

[Dave Anthony]

I would say a lot of people can move.

[Will Anderson]

You.

[Dave Anthony]

You're incredibly slow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm pretty fast, considering what I've been through. Do you understand how hard this is to live like this?

[Will Anderson]

You did it to yourself.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, hey, hey, hey. What if we all moved in together and we shared our wives? Come on. We pull our. Come on.

[Dave Anthony]

Absolutely not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, then maybe we just start a campaign to take some of these off of me. What?

[Will Anderson]

Oh, now you. Now you don't want the arms?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, or we add more. Do you guys think it's cool?

[Dave Anthony]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, let's start.

[Dave Anthony]

I cannot tell you how bad you smell.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, look, look, look.

[Dave Anthony]

You're like a human stink pot.

[Will Anderson]

Hey, you know what? Let's add some nails.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't reach back there. Get away from back there. They just nail him to a fence. Oh, real hilarious.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, we're still on moving day, right? We noticed at private residences Saturday that preparations were being made to move out. It was a busy day. Oh, I already. The rain. We fear the indulgence in strong adjectives. And strong. Well, we mean the free use Of. Of a strong pump handle would seriously affect the numbers and attendance at our city churches yesterday. But keep your temper, and I'll be well for another year at least.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So moving days over and it's good.

[Dave Anthony]

Maybe it's a. Who cares?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who cares?

[Will Anderson]

Was there specifically a day in which people moved house? Like, was it a horse's birthday situation? Yes.

[Dave Anthony]

I think it was May 1st. Everybody in every city moved all at once. It was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Dave Anthony]

Every lease ended and you had to move, and everybody moved on the same day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Everybody moved. Hold on. Can we. What happened back there, Will?

[Will Anderson]

Well, horse's birthday situation. Are you not. Is that not a common thing? Do you not know that all horses have the same birthday?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right, Will, what's going on?

[Dave Anthony]

What are we doing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Should we stop recording? And are you okay?

[Dave Anthony]

What's going on?

[Will Anderson]

That all horses have the same birthday? August 1st or something, I believe.

[Dave Anthony]

And you were raised on a farm, correct?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Who is this? Are we sort of doing an adult Santa reveal right now? All horses have the same birthday.

[Will Anderson]

This is. This is something. Is this something? A real thing? Oh, you know what? I've just. I've just Googled it. And how's this? In Australia, all horses celebrate their birthday on August 1st. I did not know that this was not an international thing. I just assumed it was a thing that. Different world in the world turns out just in Australia. Australia, we. August is horses.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I swear to God, this is the deal, okay? America completely failing, and as soon as we're like, it's over for us. Australia will open its mouth and we'll all be like, wait, what?

[Dave Anthony]

What are you talking about?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Horses have August 1st.

[Will Anderson]

The thing that I love the most about that is I just delivered that. So. As if that was a fact that everybody knew. I was like, I didn't. I thought you were doing a bit where you didn't understand what I was talking about. And then I'm like, oh, no, no. It turns out just my country has decided that all but all horses should have the same birth.

[Dave Anthony]

All horses.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It just doesn't. How did it even start?

[Dave Anthony]

I don't know.

[Will Anderson]

I think it's for racing and like that. Like, you know, because horse racing and stuff. No justification.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is gonna work, by the way. You can keep trying, but wherever you're headed right now. Well, it's based on racing. Oh. Oh, okay. Oh, that helps.

[Dave Anthony]

Did you have. Did you have horses on your farm growing up?

[Will Anderson]

No, we didn't have horses on that.

[Dave Anthony]

No Horses.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Here's what it says. It's all about Simplifying things. Horses in a race are grouped by their age, and having one you can Reversal birthday makes it easy to organize competitions. I don't even understand what that means.

[Dave Anthony]

That's insane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All thorough. It's so funny how it keeps. Yes. All thoroughbreds have the same birthday.

[Dave Anthony]

So it's just a couple of guys.

[Will Anderson]

Like, stop with the math.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, holy.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, not since. Not since you're.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're.

[Will Anderson]

You.

[Dave Anthony]

You dropped Chinese whispers as something is crazy. Like, this happened on Australia. Now that one's racist. But also, you guys come up with some weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All horses have the same. Dave is like, exactly. So. Holy.

[Dave Anthony]

Wow. Okay, well.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, just when you thought moving day wasn't weird.

[Will Anderson]

Well, I mean, horse birthday is coming up, guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So what's everyone getting? Every horse.

[Will Anderson]

For any Australian horse.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday.

[Will Anderson]

I mean, it's better than having to log on to horse book every day to see which horse has their birthday and then send them a generic message to their horse book page that they will probably never read. They'll scroll past at the best of times and you're like, why are you doing this? Whereas we have one day horse birthday.

[Dave Anthony]

Sure. I mean, if you don't think about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It.

[Will Anderson]

Rice book's a different thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm actually logging into race book right now, and it's pretty alt, right, mate?

[Will Anderson]

It's actually very much like Facebook. It was an easy transition. They literally just took the little mine off the F and it was right there in front of our faces.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's pretty much the same, actually.

[Dave Anthony]

A curious circumstance is related in a. In Lions France. Lions France Journal. An old gentleman of some. Some property in that city, Martin by name, was wounded in the side by a musket ball at the battle of Jenna and had to be carried off the field. He was cured in about two months, but the ball could not be extracted. Oh, so he just got a metal balls deep. Let's just wait to hear from Bear Barry. Like, no one wants to hear that from.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I went to the bathroom. It's. I went. I. Millipede. Hey, are any women chuckling?

[Dave Anthony]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, see you later.

[Dave Anthony]

It, however, caused him no serious inconvenience, though at times he felt it move a little. A few days ago, a large boil arose on the side and he at last applied to it a pootis.

[Will Anderson]

P O U L T I C E.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know.

[Dave Anthony]

On removing it on Saturday last, the ball, to his astonishment, fell out after having been in his body for 52 years.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. That must have felt good.

[Dave Anthony]

Talk about a steak. Pot. Jesus, that thing was awful.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That must have been great. That must have felt great.

[Will Anderson]

Oh, two years.

[Dave Anthony]

That's a long time to have a musket ball in your side. Trust me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just ask rhymes.

[Dave Anthony]

My dad put one in my side when I was four.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here you go. Now I know you're mine.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, so this is. Okay, so the headline here is distinguished visors, and it's a list. Our goodly little city was quite honored on Sunday by the visit of a party of distinguished chiefs and braves of the Dakota Nation. And so the following are the names of the party.

[Gareth Reynolds]

1.

[Dave Anthony]

The man who was struck by the re.

[Will Anderson]

2.

[Dave Anthony]

The smutty bear.

[Will Anderson]

Hang on.

[Dave Anthony]

What? The Smutty Bear.

[Will Anderson]

The Smutty Bear.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a website?

[Will Anderson]

Yep. Are you a smutty? I'm looking for smutty bears in my area.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm not a warrior, per se.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah. What's your role in the trunks?

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, look at my. Look at my dad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's just. You say I play cleanup. Was someone sitting here? Smutty bear. What.

[Dave Anthony]

The mad bull or crazy bull? The elk with a bad voice.

[Will Anderson]

Oh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ow.

[Dave Anthony]

The standing elk. The walking elk. The leaping thunder. The iron.

[Will Anderson]

You know, I love just how uncreative they were around the elk stuff. You're the leaping elk. That's pretty good, because you're leaping. You're. I guess you're standing. Yeah, Standing elk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is my. Elk.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah, your bad voice. Your weird voice. Elk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I'm fine.

[Will Anderson]

No, yours sounds funny. Elk. That's what you are.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fire causes autism. Keep your kids away from that open flame.

[Will Anderson]

I'll tell you what nation we're from. Not vaccination.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're. We're a people, too.

[Will Anderson]

The leaping.

[Dave Anthony]

The leaping thunder. The iron horn. One who knocks down two. Oh, that's pretty good.

[Will Anderson]

One. Who knocks down two.

[Dave Anthony]

That's really good. Yeah.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah. I am one who knocks down, too. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

The fast bull. The grabbing hawk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm on probation. You look great.

[Dave Anthony]

Smutty Bear. The girls are washing clothes down by the river.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let me help you wash. Let's get all of our clothes off while we wash them. Right, girls? Mind if I drink the river water where you washed, muddy bear? What?

[Dave Anthony]

Okay if I just dip my balls in again?

[Gareth Reynolds]

We should swim over here. There's some poop. Jesus Christ.

[Dave Anthony]

The little white swan. The owl man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello.

[Dave Anthony]

Spins his head around. Hi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who?

[Dave Anthony]

The white medicine cow that stands it's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Been a long road to get to my name.

[Dave Anthony]

And the Last one is the pretty boy.

[Will Anderson]

Oh, the pretty boy.

[Dave Anthony]

Hi.

[Will Anderson]

The pretty boy.

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, fellas.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello.

[Will Anderson]

It's tough, though, when you're like, it's fine to be a pretty boy when you are a pretty boy, but it's so much pressure. Like. Like some of the other ones, you can just, like, you know, Smutty bear could be Smutty bear for life.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Will Anderson]

Whereas for the pretty boy, there's like a. You know, there's a ticking clock on being the pretty.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Oh, for sure. He's like, 35. Just like, hey, guys, what's up?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, pretty boy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi. My eye won't close. Jesus Christ. Pretty boy. What? It's kind of cute, isn't it? Endearing. Jesus Christ. He stood too close to the fire. Weird voice. Shut up. I'm just saying we should fire all the elders. Oh. Well, we didn't get my biopsy results, but the results from this episode are in, and they're positively fun. Sorry about that. Well, people can see you in Montreal.

[Will Anderson]

Just for laughs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just for laughs.

[Will Anderson]

July the 25th will legitimate my solo show. Come along.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're legitimate. You are. It's been too long. Please come back soon. And again, we're really open to you visiting America. I know for a while you were here hanging out. I don't know why it took off.

[Dave Anthony]

But, hey, I don't know why you didn't stick around.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Seems like you left a little early, Right?

[Dave Anthony]

I feel like the last time I talked to you on American soil, you said something like, my God, I have to get the fuck out of here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

And I'm a man of the word.

[Will Anderson]

You know, you have plans not to, like. Like, come back to somewhere immediately where you send for your stuff? Like, where you get. I'm like, I'm not going back to get it myself. I'm getting someone who's already there to ship it to where I am.

[Dave Anthony]

Are you talking about David Gareth six months from now?

[Will Anderson]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

I've already secured a place in Australia.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm already mailing my. I mailed all my stuff. Stuff. And the address just said Australia, please.

[Will Anderson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I taped $400 on the front of the box. Oh. All right. Well, thank you for joining us, Will. And. And good luck in Montreal, and we'll see you soon in America.

[Will Anderson]

Thank you. Lovely to talk to you. Thank you. Thank you for having me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Some of you miss me, honey. Some of these days. Hey, Dollop fans. I know you love the Dollop. You love listening to the Dollop. Do you want to watch the Dollop you're like, gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five parter animation, which is actually like a 22 minute episode or 30 minute episode, I can't remember, of the rube, you can go to LakeSide Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the Rube. It. It really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one, so go there and watch the rube.