136 - The Past Times with James Fritz

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds Episode: 136 - The Past Times with James Fritz
Release Date: August 1, 2025

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Introduction

In Episode 136 of The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds, hosted by comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds from All Things Comedy, the duo welcomes their returning guest, James Fritz. The episode delves into a historical examination of an 18th-century newspaper article concerning witch trials, blending comedic banter with insightful discussions.

Exploring the 1737 Newspaper Article

The episode centers around a letter extracted from the Virginia Gazette dated January 13, 1737, detailing the cruel treatment of a woman suspected of witchcraft in Bedfordshire. James Fritz reads the letter, setting the stage for a deep dive into the period's societal beliefs and judicial practices.

Notable Quote:

• James Fritz (07:34): "It's like the Bernie Sanders of that time. Just like they should not be beaten or drowned. Witches are people too. Give a witch a job and she will stop craft."

The "Ducking" Experiment: A Flawed Judicial Test

The hosts analyze the "ducking" method used to identify witches—a process where the accused was tied and submerged in water. Success in ducking was believed to indicate witchcraft, as witches were thought not to sink. Gareth Reynolds humorously critiques the absurdity of this method:

Notable Quote:

• Gareth Reynolds (11:28): "Are you guys texting each other?"

Throughout the discussion, Dave and Gareth mock the illogical premise behind the ducking test, highlighting the inherent cruelty and lack of scientific basis.

Key Points:

• Historical Context: Understanding the prevalence of witch hunts in the 17th and 18th centuries.
• Societal Beliefs: How superstition and fear fueled wrongful accusations and inhumane punishments.
• Judicial Practices: Examination of the legal frameworks that permitted such trials.

Resistance and Modern Reflections

James Fritz presents himself as a progressive voice against the barbaric practices, proposing alternative methods to identify witches. The hosts juxtapose his serious stance with their comedic interpretations, drawing parallels to modern-day issues of prejudice and justice.

Notable Quote:

• Gareth Reynolds (07:34): "It's like the Bernie Sanders of that time. Just like they should not be beaten or drowned. Witches are people too."

Comedic Interludes and Banter

Interwoven with the historical analysis are numerous comedic exchanges between Dave, Gareth, and James Fritz. They riff on the gravity of the witch trials, using humor to underscore the absurdity and tragedy of the events.

Notable Quotes:

• Dave Anthony (14:14): "Yeah, yeah."
• Gareth Reynolds (16:27): "She's doing great. You're doing so good, old lady."

These moments serve to engage listeners, making the historical content more accessible and entertaining.

Conclusion: Reflections on History and Modern Relevance

As the episode wraps up, the hosts reflect on the lessons learned from history, emphasizing the dangers of mass hysteria and the importance of rational thought in judicial proceedings. They also touch upon the enduring fascination with witch trials in popular culture.

Notable Quote:

• Gareth Reynolds (22:25): "But she gave him the first half. Hasty pudding. But she gave him the first half ounce."

Final Thoughts

Episode 136 offers a blend of humor and historical insight, effectively illustrating how past injustices resonate with contemporary societal issues. Through their engaging dialogue, Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds, alongside James Fritz, provide listeners with both laughter and thoughtful reflection on a dark chapter of history.

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Episode Highlights:

• 00:24: Introduction of guest James Fritz and the episode's focus.
• 06:16: Discussion of witch trial methodologies.
• 10:15: Analysis of the social impact of witch hunts.
• 17:12: Examination of community prejudices.
• 23:12: Advertisements and promotions interspersed (skipped in summary).

Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Gareth Reynolds (07:34): "It's like the Bernie Sanders of that time..."
• Dave Anthony (16:27): "She's doing great. You're doing so good, old lady."
• Gareth Reynolds (22:25): "But she gave him the first half. Hasty pudding..."

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Conclusion This episode of The Dollop masterfully combines comedic elements with historical exploration, shedding light on the irrational fears and societal norms that led to the persecution of alleged witches. Through laughter and critical analysis, Dave Anthony, Gareth Reynolds, and James Fritz invite listeners to reflect on the importance of justice and the perils of mob mentality.

Transcript

[Dave Anthony]

Foreign.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Everybody. Welcome to the Pastimes Podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before. And neither is our guest this week, returning champion beast from the Middle East, James Fritz.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm the mayor now. Dog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Hello, James. Welcome back.

[James Fritz]

Thanks.

[Dave Anthony]

Good to see you boys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How are you?

[Dave Anthony]

I'm okay. How are you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That sound good?

[Dave Anthony]

I'm sounded real, right? I'm okay. I'm okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Fritz]

It doesn't sound. You don't sound suicidal. That's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, you sound like you're secure. James, you. Your album. Old man yells, Crowds that crowd. A crowd, which is words. It's such a funny title. And the picture is great.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, thanks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You don't know when that's coming out, but that will be coming out.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. It's getting finalized as we speak, so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But you mean you're finishing the material?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it should be ready. Adding a bunch of laughs. That's allowed, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

They call that sweetening.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. I'm gonna sweeten this baby.

[James Fritz]

Yeah, you should. I saw. I saw you run it early on, and I would. I'd recommend sweetening that.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Running into the ground.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Am I the only guy who takes out laughs?

[Dave Anthony]

Are you getting too many?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I get too many, so I just. I think it's a little much. So I'll always take a couple out.

[James Fritz]

Yeah, I mean, I. I think, like, we don't pander, so I think. Yeah, it doesn't really. It's not really a thing for us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You hate success.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, Actually, I think.

[James Fritz]

I mean, the way you do it.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Yeah. When you make that face. Yeah. I hate it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, am I just me? And I say, oh, is that just me? That's a good one.

[James Fritz]

I like doing that foreign character.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or is that just me? By the way, my new special, or Is that Just Me, is coming out the day before James's.

[Dave Anthony]

And my new title of my special is It's Me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, you. Well, James, you know what we do here? We're going to go clown around. It's a clown around time. I'm assuming your house is skunk free.

[Dave Anthony]

No skunks at the moment. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. That's cool.

[James Fritz]

But they raised his rent because they got the skunks out. Yeah, it's true.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, to be fair, they've given you a. They've lived up to their end of the bargain of not having skunks in your place.

[James Fritz]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

It's been a calendar year. Might as well. Price the city. I love.

[James Fritz]

You're moving into a Winnebago, Correct? Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Full of skunks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, James, we just found out on an episode of the Pastimes Winnebago was actually an Indian tribe, and we've honored them by naming a traveling toilet after their people.

[James Fritz]

That's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Isn't that nice?

[James Fritz]

Because we care.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we love them.

[James Fritz]

It's not nice.

[Dave Anthony]

I don't think it's very nice.

[James Fritz]

I thought it was nice. That's not okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What the bro we gave Thanksgiving?

[Dave Anthony]

Was that one of your comedian rhetorical questions?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, is it just me?

[Dave Anthony]

Isn't that nice?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is that just me?

[Dave Anthony]

Is this community brain damaged?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, is that just me?

[James Fritz]

Yeah, it sounds.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, my Lord. What is that? It's a giant skunk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is a skunk. I might. They raised my rent, so I domesticated mine.

[James Fritz]

Doesn't look like it wants to be there.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, they look happy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He just died. He's happy. I. In a moment he'll be. Look at how much he loves the spotlight, though. James, you know what we do here?

[Dave Anthony]

Huh?

[Gareth Reynolds]

We go through newspaper. It's old. You can tell Dave's into it. He's yawning. What? What year you think this fucker's from, man?

[James Fritz]

Yeah, just take it. Just take a guess.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Seven.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm feeling somewhere in the seventh. Seventeen. I'm sensing like two sevens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll say 1737.

[James Fritz]

Our guest is guessing now. He gets 1737. Now you guess a different one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I actually agree with him. I think it's 1737.

[Dave Anthony]

No, you have to pick it.

[James Fritz]

You can't pick the same one out of all these.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's do months. Let's do months. What month do you think it is in 1737, James?

[Dave Anthony]

I'm guessing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Guess now.

[James Fritz]

Well, I mean, here's the thing is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It'S guess right now. January. I think it's January. All right, guess what year, James, guess what year? January. Guess what year?

[Dave Anthony]

1737.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What day in January? Say it now. Say it now.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm guessing somewhere in the 13s. 13.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[James Fritz]

How did you do that?

[Dave Anthony]

I don't know. Psychic.

[James Fritz]

That was amazing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, Dave, is your goal to end the fun, warm up guessing game? Because we might be at the point now where it can't go on.

[Dave Anthony]

I think it's fun when I nail it. Exactly. What do you mean?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where's it from?

[Dave Anthony]

I got the month.

[James Fritz]

Just. Cuz you're a baby. Don't be such a.

[Dave Anthony]

From the USA, baby.

[James Fritz]

That's where sometimes other people win. Gareth.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[James Fritz]

You're such a sore loser. Just let.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, maybe say it's just a really weird way to take out aggression.

[Dave Anthony]

Maybe play some of those laughs you took out. Play them for yourself. Right now, you need them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I didn't take any out. I was lying.

[Dave Anthony]

I don't know.

[James Fritz]

Oh, no, it was just you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What you heard was as sweet as it got. And it wasn't that sweet. All right, Dave, what's the ship pie called?

[James Fritz]

The Virginia gazette, Williamsburg, Virginia. January 13, 1737. Times were different.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, not a shitpie. 1737. So this should be quite alienating. I would hope this is.

[James Fritz]

Okay. So this is setting up the story. So, Sir.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[James Fritz]

London, July 21st.

[Gareth Reynolds]

James, don't answer that. He's. He's reading from.

[James Fritz]

Oh, he's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Start again, Dave.

[Dave Anthony]

Paper addressed people back then.

[James Fritz]

Yes, hello.

[Dave Anthony]

Hi, I'm a paper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ah, nice to meet you. I'm a man reading you. Harvey. Are you okay?

[James Fritz]

Sir, this is sent from London, July 21, 1737. I send you the enclosed. A very remarkable letter concerning the late cruel usage of a poor old woman in Bedfordshire who was suspected of being a witch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, if you were to tell me what's in a 1737 paper. Yeah, a bit of witch trial talk, I would imagine.

[James Fritz]

Yeah. You will see by it that the late law for abolishing the act against witches has not abolished the credulity of the country people, but I hope it has made proper provision for punishing their barbarity on such occasions.

[Dave Anthony]

Wait, is this. Is he pro or anti witch?

[James Fritz]

I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think he's anti witch punishment.

[James Fritz]

Yes, I think he is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Which is a very progressive stance.

[James Fritz]

Yeah, it really is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like the Bernie Sanders of that time. Just like they should not be beaten or drowned. Witches are people too. Give a witch a job and she will stop craft.

[James Fritz]

So this is. This will be. Hopefully I can read this easy. But remember that the S's look like.

[Dave Anthony]

F's for sucks fake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[James Fritz]

Sir, the people here are so prejudiced in belief of witches that you would think yourself in Lapland. Well, they're talking about another place.

[Dave Anthony]

That's where the witches. You want something?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a titty bar in prim Lapland.

[Dave Anthony]

Be sure to tip your witches now. Coming to the broom.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hag. Hey, these witches are kind of a. Cat falls out. Jesus Christ. That's right. Do you like that? No.

[James Fritz]

There is not a village in the neighborhood, but has two or three. Oh, there's two or three witches in Every neighborhood.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, well, that's the census. Those foolish witches. Any witches in your house?

[Dave Anthony]

About two or three witches.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ah, it's just me and the two other witches.

[Dave Anthony]

All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you, ma'.

[Dave Anthony]

Am.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you guys texting each other?

[James Fritz]

Yeah. Is that a problem?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

We're like.

[James Fritz]

Oh, Gareth, it's not. It's not. It's not witchcraft. Just a couple of guys. Yeah, no, hold on a second.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, I'm doing the pastimes with James and Dave. Yeah, totally sucks.

[Dave Anthony]

Hi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

These guys suck.

[Dave Anthony]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. Okay. Go ahead, guys.

[Dave Anthony]

You're doing great. James, I just leave. I'm leaving messages to myself throughout the show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's the saddest thing I've ever seen.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, you weren't supposed to comment on it. Sorry, this is audio only. Right. Well, I can take my shirt off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, it's audio only. Let's see those tits.

[Dave Anthony]

Huey Lewis.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I call my butt the news. Want to spread it.

[Dave Anthony]

We don't need a paper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Honestly, I think it's getting in the way.

[James Fritz]

I'm upset to be here. About a week ago, I was present at the ceremony of ducking a witch, a particular account of which may not perhaps be disagreeable to you. An old woman of about 60 years of age had a witch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Every old Woman's A web.

[Dave Anthony]

Three. Yeah. You hit 60. Burn.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Excuse me. Witch. Where'd you get those potatoes? I'm just a regular woman. Quiet. Witch.

[Dave Anthony]

ID, please.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How'd you conjure them?

[Dave Anthony]

It says here you're 60. Sign of the beast, which.

[James Fritz]

No, no. Had long lain under an imputation of witchcraft, who, being willing to clear herself, consented to be ducked.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll be ducked.

[Dave Anthony]

That's when they used to kill women with ducks. Witches. Have you ever heard of a witch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ducking a witch doctor?

[Dave Anthony]

Witch. He was a quack.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, enough.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm sorry.

[James Fritz]

And the parish officers promised her a guinea if she should sink.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, wait.

[Dave Anthony]

Promised her a what?

[James Fritz]

So, a shilling if she sinks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But wait. Which is a good deal. Is that what happened? Was it witches sink?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Which is float.

[James Fritz]

I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That. I don't think we've ever had enough fun with that. How bad of a test that really was. If she dies from water, she's in the clear.

[Dave Anthony]

Yep.

[James Fritz]

It's everybody floats. So that. That would be the real problem there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's an REM song. So. And they're going to give a guinea to her if she floats.

[James Fritz]

If she sinks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If she sinks. So if she's not awake, she dies from.

[Dave Anthony]

You get on the Scuba gear. You go down with your guinea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. So if you drown, they flick a guinea at you.

[James Fritz]

That's right. Hey, the place.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There you go. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

One to grow up.

[James Fritz]

The place appointed for the operation was in the river oust by a mill. And there, I believe, 500 spectators.

[Dave Anthony]

Wow.

[James Fritz]

I mean, it's a show.

[Dave Anthony]

500. That's a good draw. For seven. For 1737 and great. Where are we?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a great draw. That's. That's the Brea Improv. That's a great.

[Dave Anthony]

That is.

[James Fritz]

That's a really good draw.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a great draw. Not enough people show up and they put the curtain behind them. That way it won't seem as bad. You should have done this on a Friday, Saturday, Tuesday. It's hard to fill the street.

[Dave Anthony]

You just turn into witches anymore.

[James Fritz]

I don't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ralph Barboza was just here. So this is the people that people are all spin out.

[Dave Anthony]

Darren Carter, the witch burner was just here.

[James Fritz]

About 11 o' clock in the forenoon, a woman came and was tied up in a wet sheet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're having a wet sheet competition. Ladies, ladies, welcome to Lapland. Tonight we're doing wet sheets.

[James Fritz]

All but her face and hands. Her toes were tied close together, as were also her thumbs and her hands tied to the small of her legs. Oh, God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ah.

[James Fritz]

They fastened a rope about her middle, then pulled off her cap to search for pins. For the notion is if they have but one pin about them, they won't sink. Well, it's science.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait. If they have a pin, they'll float like a hairpin.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Fritz]

Think about it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Now I get it for sure. It didn't take too long to make that connection.

[Dave Anthony]

Come on, Bill Nye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did you just. Dennis Miller Bill Nye.

[James Fritz]

He did not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Not okay. You're a modern day witch. You should be thrown in a river for what you just did. Come on, keep up. What you please. Bill Nye. The science.

[Dave Anthony]

Right. Hobby.

[James Fritz]

When all preliminaries were settled, she was thrown in. But unhappily for the poor creature, she floated. Though her head was on her balloon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. She was like, I don't want to be a part of this society.

[James Fritz]

Though her head was all the while underwater. Upon this there was a confused cry. A witch. A witch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hang her. Drown her. She's drowning, Frank. She's already drowning.

[Dave Anthony]

Pick a death too. Hang her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Light her on fire. Throw her in the water. That one.

[Dave Anthony]

Actually, those are actually loggerheads.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Make a lighter on fire and make her jump over a bunch of horses.

[James Fritz]

Jesus Christ. I'm just old.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shut up. Witch.

[Dave Anthony]

We think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Goddamn witch won't quit talking.

[Dave Anthony]

Stick a pen in it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stick a pen in there. She's a witch.

[James Fritz]

She was in the water about one minute and a half and was then taken out. Half drowned. When she had.

[Dave Anthony]

The doctor. If I pronounced you half drowned. This lady is cured. Is clearly half drowned.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This woman is not a witch and is half drowned.

[Dave Anthony]

She needs mouth too.

[James Fritz]

When. When she had recovered breath, the experiment was repeated twice more. Jesus Christ.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's okay. I, I, I think I'm okay. All right, so just two more just to be safe.

[Dave Anthony]

My day is not going so bad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'll see. Yeah. Could be worse.

[Dave Anthony]

I could have been drowned three times.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. A half drowning two more times.

[Dave Anthony]

So one and a half.

[Gareth Reynolds]

One point five drowns.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[James Fritz]

But with the same success. For she floated each time.

[Dave Anthony]

Success.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's doing great. You're doing so good, old lady. I'm very old, and that's the problem. You're good. I'm starting to think you're real.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[James Fritz]

Three more times. My bones are light.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, well, that's probably helping you right now. You ain't sinking, which is sink. So two more. You're one away from freedom, old lady.

[Dave Anthony]

The original three strikes, you're out rule.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[James Fritz]

For she floated each time, which was a plain demonstration of guilt to the ignorant multitude.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The third float. Wow. She floating a third time. I think she's really.

[Dave Anthony]

It had to be lonely to be a newspaper man during the. You guys are all insane. He's calling his readers the ignorant.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's that word mean?

[James Fritz]

For notwithstanding, the poor creature was laid upon the grass speechless and almost dead. They were so far from showing her any pity or compassion that they strove. Who should be the most forward in loading her with reproaches. I don't know what that means.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, like someone had to go over after this. Or I would think someone has to go over and be like, hey, way to go.

[James Fritz]

You okay?

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's like, she's not.

[James Fritz]

She's a witch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Soft apologize. Yeah.

[James Fritz]

No, she's not.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay.

[James Fritz]

No, she's a witch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, she is okay.

[Dave Anthony]

But she's on the grass now.

[James Fritz]

Such is the dire effect of popular prejudice. As for my part, I stood against the torrent and when I had cut the strings which tied her, had carried her back to the mill and endeavored to convince the people of uncertainty of the experiment and offered to lay five to one that any woman of her age so tied up in a loose sheet would float. But all to no purpose. For I was near being mobbed.

[Dave Anthony]

So his way of proving how wrong it was was he suggested to drown a younger woman.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, he didn't even suggest that. He was like, I would do it. They're crazy people.

[Dave Anthony]

I'll prove you how cruel you are. Get me a teen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I didn't realize they threw her in a sheet in there.

[Dave Anthony]

So, I mean, they wrapped her up like a monkey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The possibility of drowning is very high.

[James Fritz]

Very high.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Because trick is not to load her in face down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[James Fritz]

And it's much higher if you do like, if you're not a witch and you sink, you're dead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, there's really. It's very. It's it. They've come up with a really good system if you want to kill women.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. And a scant.

[James Fritz]

And a scant.

[Dave Anthony]

200 years later, they got the vote.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'll finally allow them to work.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, God.

[James Fritz]

Sometime after the woman came out and one of the company happened to mention another experiment to try a witch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no.

[James Fritz]

Do it a different way.

[Dave Anthony]

What now?

[James Fritz]

Which was to weigh her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If she bleeds, she's a woman.

[Dave Anthony]

Here we go with the body image against the Bible.

[James Fritz]

For it seems a witch could not outweigh a Bible.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh my God. We're not that far.

[James Fritz]

Think about it, gentlemen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I really am having trouble thinking about.

[Dave Anthony]

This will come. I think we're a year away from this Bible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, if that. That'll be determining if someone. If an illegal immigrant committed a crime or not.

[Dave Anthony]

Right. And then like the really rich witches will like show up with a 180 pound Bible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And be like. Yeah. Selling the heavy Bible.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Fritz]

I immediately second that motion as thinking it might be of service to the poor old woman and made use of an argument which had some weight with the people. For I told them if she was a witch, she certainly dealt with the devil. And as the Bible was undoubtedly the word of God, it must weigh more than the works of the devil. This seemed reasonable to several.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, I get it.

[James Fritz]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's pretty good.

[Dave Anthony]

I was way an evil the other day. This. This old track.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I got a bunch of evil the other day.

[James Fritz]

And those that did not think so could not answer it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Because that's the other problem. It's like you're like. If you have a brain, you're like, I gotta shut the up. But that's so stupid. Yeah, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

If you. Well, actually these guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. That sounds like a witch. Got you.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Which got your tongue.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Wrap them up, boys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We got way him against the Bible. See if he's got real knowledge or witch stuff. Thoughts?

[James Fritz]

At last, the question was carried. And she was weighed against the Bible, which weighing about 12 pounds. She outweighed it, by the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What the. A 12 hour Bible.

[Dave Anthony]

Damn.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but back then, translated a few times.

[James Fritz]

Well, there weren't a lot of Bibles. There was probably just one in the church because they. They didn't have.

[Dave Anthony]

You didn't want people absconding with it, so you had to make it heavy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And now we're such a rich land, we have the sequel in hotel drawers.

[Dave Anthony]

Ye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This country's doing good.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, we need heavier Bibles, though.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I agree, I agree.

[Dave Anthony]

I don't know when our Bibles got so light.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, they woke the way.

[Dave Anthony]

They woke the Bible. They woke the way.

[James Fritz]

This convinced some and staggered others. But some who believed through thick and thin went away fully assured that she was a witch and endeavored to include that belief into all others. Well, I mean, he said witch, right? So.

[Dave Anthony]

So she survived all this?

[James Fritz]

Yeah. He saved a woman from being murdered.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By a town by using like, dumb logic. Yeah. He was like, I think she would probably be lighter than the Bible if she was a witch. And people like, that's pretty good.

[James Fritz]

Yeah, I got no holes I can see in her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's pretty good.

[Dave Anthony]

If you tie a balloon to her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Knee and she floats. She floats.

[Dave Anthony]

She's a witch. Oh, okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, keep it going over there. Bill Nye the Science Guy. Dennis Miller's great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather. Stop. Just saying guy.

[James Fritz]

The Pastimes is brought to you by Mint Mobile. Gareth. Is it a mint?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[James Fritz]

Is it a mint?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is Mint Mobile a mint? Yeah. I'm not gonna even bother with.

[James Fritz]

No, no, it's a phone service.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is your. That is not the one two you thought it was.

[James Fritz]

Well, I was hoping that I would have a quicker partner.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's mint. It's mint in its service.

[James Fritz]

Look, with Mint, you can get the coverage and the speed you're used to. Yes, but for a lot less money. Way less money.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And now, wait. Now, Dave, if you're one of these guys where you're like, I love high bills. Hey, stick with what you got.

[James Fritz]

I know some of you guys love that stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, people like that.

[James Fritz]

For a limited time, Mint mobile is offering three months of unlimited premium wireless service for 15 bucks a month. So while your friends are sweating over data overages and surprise charges, you'll be chilling, literally and financially. This summer, all plans come with high speed data, unlimited talk and text on the nation's largest 5G network.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[James Fritz]

And you use your own phone. You can just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you get to keep your phone number.

[James Fritz]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They want nothing. They want nothing from you. They just were like, hey, you want to save money? All right.

[James Fritz]

Yeah, that's it. The service is we. It's just as. Yeah, it's. It's great. It works. It's what you want.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[James Fritz]

You talk, you text.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[James Fritz]

Your Internet going.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Get your Internet going.

[James Fritz]

So I use it, and I think you guys should use it to save money and get a quality product. That's all we're saying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[James Fritz]

So I. Yeah, I can't. I can't say enough. Switch, switch, switch. This year, skip breaking a sweat and breaking the bank. Get this new customer offer and your three month unlimited wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.compastimes. that's mintmobile.compastimes upfront payment of $45 required, equivalent to $15 a month limited time. New customer offer for three months only. Speeds may slow above 35 gigabytes on unlimited plan taxes and fees. CMIT Mobile for details.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yay.

[James Fritz]

I miss you. I miss you, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, I'm done.

[James Fritz]

From the Gentleman's Magazine for August 1737.

[Dave Anthony]

Finally, a little class.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Little whacking material.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[James Fritz]

Maxim, Dear Maxim, Dear Ma.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dear fhm, My wife's a witch.

[James Fritz]

Sir, reading your magazine for July. The deplorable condition of the wretches who eat one another. And it must have been a hell of a story. I kind of want to read that one.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[James Fritz]

People are eating each other.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[James Fritz]

I'm. Regarding the people who eat each other.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. In response to the eating people thing.

[Dave Anthony]

We'Ve gotten a lot of mail about the eating.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I ate my friend the other day, and it's not that crazy. Thank you very much.

[James Fritz]

And first, cause it induced me to write to you the following remedy for a leak in a ship. Okay, so it was a ship. It was a shipwreck and that eat each other. So that's.

[Dave Anthony]

That happens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, okay. Okay. All right. So that's fine.

[Dave Anthony]

So being practical, you're like, if you don't want to have to eat up, eat people, there's. This is how you fix a ship.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I'm good eating the people. Yeah. As a matter of fact is I'm the one who shot a hole in the boat.

[James Fritz]

Not thinking. It is known of practice, but can assure it was tried with success on his Majesty's ship antelope. Above 20 years ago. Let a small net be made with the. I can't read that. Messi's missiles of 4 or 5 inches diameter and filled with oakum with proper weights. Okum. Like the oakum ridge boys.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[James Fritz]

With proper weights. Just enough to sink it. Let it gently be hauled fore and aft for the outsides of the ship and it will quickly find out the leak.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Huh?

[Dave Anthony]

You lost me. You lost me when you stopped talking about eating people. To be honest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I'm still thinking about that.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is there more about that?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I know how to fix a hole.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Put a witch in it.

[Dave Anthony]

Yep.

[James Fritz]

I. I mean, if it's being a.

[Dave Anthony]

Witch in time saves nine.

[James Fritz]

Whatever. This is a genius idea and you guys are just mocking it.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay?

[James Fritz]

Whole boy science engineering. I can't. I'm not gonna say it again because it won't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why don't you say it one more time there, Mr. Bill Nye the science guy.

[Dave Anthony]

Magellan. Go ahead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go ahead. Magellan. How you fixing a hole in your boat? What are you, the Beatles?

[James Fritz]

What? Yeah, that's exactly what he used to do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fix in a hole where the rain crept in. Oh, we all live in my mind from wandering. By the way, haven't you heard I covered magical mystery tour.

[James Fritz]

It will quickly find out the leak by violence of the suction and the oakum continually drawing through the. I still can't read that. Meshes. Meshes of debt. It will flop. Will stop it and rub it down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, girl.

[James Fritz]

And stick shast. Until proper means can be used to do it more effectually. If you please. If you please.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do not do. That's literally for me. I think that's the only person who's like, that was pretty good.

[James Fritz]

You're a bad boy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nasty.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm trying to do older references than the newspaper today.

[James Fritz]

Until proper means can be used to do it more effectually. If you please to publish this for the good of my countrymen who use the seas, you will oblige. So it's just a guy writing in a letter. It's like, look, we don't need to be eating each other. Let's fix the ship.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, well, all right. Good stuff. It's like a city council meeting. The paper was just like the city council where people would just show up and just be like, I don't think you should be able to kill your neighbor with wood. I'm against it.

[Dave Anthony]

Thank you, sir.

[James Fritz]

Sir, I am Clark of a church. It's got a clerk. It's a K, L, A, R, K. That's gotta be clerk, right?

[Dave Anthony]

Clark.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm a Clark.

[Dave Anthony]

A clerk.

[James Fritz]

I am Clark of a church.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I am Clark of church.

[Dave Anthony]

Clark, the clerk of the church.

[James Fritz]

Okay, this might be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did sound like Dennis Miller doing a chicken. Clark a doodle Duke, it's time to wakey up.

[James Fritz]

Okay, so this is racist. So I'm gonna.

[Dave Anthony]

Do it in Dennis Miller voice.

[James Fritz]

I am Clark of a church, and I am to read the laws about fornication and black people two times in the year in the church.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, this seems like church. This seems like church. This should happen in a church.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Absolutely.

[James Fritz]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[James Fritz]

Which laws are written hand. Which I can't read, but I have.

[Dave Anthony]

Opinions on black people. Here we go.

[James Fritz]

So he is the clerk of a church and he can't read. So that's the problem.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Is that an issue for a church clerk?

[James Fritz]

I mean, it's all misspelled, like you can barely read what he's saying. And I. Which I can't read without. Some gentle folks laugh at my blunders. I have seen. I have seen your gaffer and can read in it as well as the Bible. For it is written in printing hand and desire you well fend send the laws in that hand by. Boy, he's really illiterate. Or give me an order upon the next justice to tear it out of his book for use in the church or pay my fine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or this is the guy who's, like, trying to get people into the church.

[James Fritz]

No, he is.

[Dave Anthony]

He's like the clerk of the church.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but that's not helpful to be.

[James Fritz]

Well, he should be able to read and write as a clue.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's what I mean. It's not a great. Like, it's not a. It's not doing. It's not a great ad.

[Dave Anthony]

But your whole thing is based around reading the one book. Yeah, Maybe he memorized the book.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Maybe that's why it's so heavy. It was, like, terribly written. He was like, I kept the typos.

[Dave Anthony]

It's all pictures. That's why it's so heavy. It's 8 million pages.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Flip it fast.

[James Fritz]

And he has been asked to read. He's been asked to read some laws, but he can't read. So he's. Now he's asking them if he can get help or tear a page from the Bible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can I. No, don't do that. I'll just rip this one out. Is that okay? Burn him.

[James Fritz]

Or if they will pay his fine. Yeah, that's it. So he's.

[Dave Anthony]

Sorry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is any of this about God?

[James Fritz]

No, he signs it your unknowing friend.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now watch me rip this Bible in half as a feat of strength.

[James Fritz]

Oh, that was sad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's strange.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. And racist.

[James Fritz]

And racist.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, only a little. I mean, I'm not gonna be the.

[Dave Anthony]

Guy on here bad for the illiterate racist.

[James Fritz]

Really? Do you want me to read it the way he's written? Because it's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I do. And then I want that to be a clip. And then take my face. No, Dave.

[Dave Anthony]

Go for it, Dave.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, Go ahead, Dave. Tee off, buddy.

[Dave Anthony]

Read it with passion.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't be afraid to really hit the words.

[Dave Anthony]

Yep. Do your best character work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Keep reading it.

[James Fritz]

I can't find out the design of the above letter unless it be to expose the ignorance of a parish clerk or to show the necessary of the vestries being furnished with the printed body laws. There may be many laws in force which the minister or clerk are enjoined to read in the churches under severe penalties on failure. I can't oblige my new correspondent with an order on any justice of the peace to tear his book. But if he can prevail on his vestry to be at the expense of purchasing a complete body of the laws of this colony, I will undertake to supply them. Well, okay, so he's saying he's.

[Dave Anthony]

Huh?

[James Fritz]

He's saying he's gonna help him out. Hey, you're gonna help.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, okay. Okay.

[James Fritz]

That's all.

[Dave Anthony]

We could have just said that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So the racist is getting helped.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did you see how into it James was? James, really? That's the clip. It felt like do Dennis Miller.

[Dave Anthony]

It felt like the begat part of hearing like a Bible stories where I just checked out. Yeah, checked out a little bit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, I'm more checked out than a library book on this one. Something like that.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. More checked out than Bob's Big Boy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm doing more checking out than the electronic checkout at the grocery store.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm more checked out than Andrew Cuomo's mistress sister last night.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm more checked out than a beautiful set of legs at a construction site in Manhattan.

[Dave Anthony]

Right now I'm more checking. More checked out than the first album cover by the Specials.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, these are deep but accurate.

[James Fritz]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, that's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm more checked up Slovakia.

[Dave Anthony]

More checked out than Dave watching us do this. But.

[James Fritz]

Last week Mr. Samuel Lane died of apoplexy at Exeter. He's an attorney worth about 30,000.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Damn. That's a lot for back then, I assume. Now that's a lot.

[James Fritz]

Yeah, he Got his money in such a way that he has had more curses bestowed on him than there are farthings in the above sum.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So they're very convinced that he's. He's horribly cursed.

[James Fritz]

He's a piece of shit lawyer. Like, he's just a shit asshole.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, cursed all the way to the bank.

[James Fritz]

This old man used to say that old age and matrimony were two of the most damnable things that were ever invented. Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

I like. Old age was invented.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, it was.

[Dave Anthony]

I wanted to be a baby forever, and then someone had to go and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Make time, and then they made aging the law.

[Dave Anthony]

Why the hell did we do this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is crazy. We could be a bunch of fucking babies. How cool would that be? And it's not crazy to say because we would all be the same age, it'd be fine to fuck.

[Dave Anthony]

What? Order in the court. Order.

[James Fritz]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hold on. I'm the first libert. Get it back on track. I'm saying, in the land of babies, old age doesn't exist. They would be having sex with each other, and that would be fine. And it's baby on baby. I can see there's still a lot of blank state. No, no, no, no. I'm still. I'm saying what I'm saying.

[Dave Anthony]

Say it again and louder and lean into the mic. Be clear.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If. If everyone was one, having sex with each other wouldn't be strange. It'd be hot. It's only creepy because I'm a grown man. Why.

[James Fritz]

I had to mute him because that was just going really bad.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, you guys had a nice run.

[James Fritz]

I put some of the podcast being canceled back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Baby and talkier than ever.

[Dave Anthony]

That's what he says to the one year old.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I had a little time to reflect on what I said, and there's something I'd like to say. I'm doubling down. Yeah. Now when I talk about it, I'm dressing like a baby. Wait, no, no, no, no.

[Dave Anthony]

In real life, you're gonna, oh, dress like a baby and talk about baby.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I'd make this point. Looking like a baby in a diaper and a bonnet.

[Dave Anthony]

You think this will help your point?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think I'm going down with the ship like a witch.

[Dave Anthony]

Plug a hole in this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. What I said is fine.

[Dave Anthony]

The babies are all witches.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't try to co op my points. Standing by what I said. Go ahead.

[Dave Anthony]

What did you say again?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I said.

[James Fritz]

The letters in his name made these words, sue all men, which was very true of him. And it is said he Was so well pleased with it that he gave the person 5 whatever pants or whatever who first invented it.

[Dave Anthony]

Sue all men.

[James Fritz]

Sam. Sue all men. Yeah, his name's Sam. Hashtag sue all men.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ewell, very creative. Wow, it must have been hell to be alive back then, huh?

[James Fritz]

I mean, it's not great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Must have been absolute hell.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it was a lot of book face based violence.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's just like everything's crazy and like, they're fun escapes. You were like, like, yeah, saw that coming. All right.

[Dave Anthony]

Seems hard to trust your neighbor back then.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Dave Anthony]

Anytime two or more people are gathered, you'd have to be like, are they about to throw me into water?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You literally could never be like, can I tell you something? Like, that's something. You know, you'd always just be like, I agree. God did give us corn. Then you just go to your room and be like, what the is going on?

[Dave Anthony]

We need to get a third book in this town.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, this town needs a third book so bad. And then that's it. Have been more checked out than the third buck.

[James Fritz]

The protestants are in great consternation on account of nine letters de Cachet having been sent here to take away nine young damsels, daughters of good merchants and trademen of this town.

[Dave Anthony]

This is like a magical realm. What the is going on?

[James Fritz]

So they're.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is not a real city.

[James Fritz]

No, they're sending. Oh, so a letter has come and it's like, look, we need your daughters.

[Dave Anthony]

We need your daughters. Okay.

[James Fritz]

All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are we gonna do? Yep, that's that. We had a good run.

[James Fritz]

Five have already been taken. Two Ms. Grovels, Ms. Grill. I can't read that. Ms. Levelin and Ms. Cape. Letters to Cachet have likewise been sent to Rowan Maldek. And see Rowan Bubbit. Where this will end, God almighty knows. When they have thus taken the children of Protestants, they oblige the parents to pay such a yearly sum to the convent or monastery into which they are put as the prosecutors think fit. And this they call paying for the children's board. Whatever is required must be paid. And the sum required seldom fails in being extraordinary. So they're. They just take girls to be nuns, and then they charge the parents and they gotta. And they're like, yeah, you're paying $7,000 a year. And then we have her here.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, it's either that or which none are which. You get two choices, ladies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Two bad options. But at least she lives. Lives.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. What a life.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[James Fritz]

It doesn't. It seems weird. It feels like this should be like, 1400s. But it's 17.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But. But the Salem witch trials were, like, that's this time, like, so.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I'm expecting to, like, start reading about elves and, like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It would not surprise me at all. We've talked about this before. We fully expect fairies to come into, like. Like, camp political campaigns in the next 10 to 15 years. I talked to the good. The good fairy Mary, and she has assured me that she would be Secretary of State if I were to be elected.

[James Fritz]

Charleston, South Carolina, September 10th. The sloop John and Thomas William Wilkinson, master from this port bound to New Providence after being several days at sea and then about 40 leagues from any land, met with sudden squalls of thunder when a flash of lightning struck the mast, splitting it all to pieces, then went through the partners of the deck struck out three planks below the bend on the starboard bow, which caused the vessel to fill immediately and obliged all the people on board, being seven in number, to take to their boat in order to save their lives.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It.

[James Fritz]

I just heard someone's stomach. Whose stomach was that?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That was mine.

[Dave Anthony]

What's going on?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know. I had a gurgle, and it wasn't even my stomach. It was like my esophagus. I'm sorry, James. I am a witch.

[James Fritz]

It sounds like you got worms and snakes in your throat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I have a serpent esophagus.

[Dave Anthony]

Hang him upside down from a tree and tickle his nose with an eye oxtail.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Punch him in the stomach a bunch. And if he dies, he was a man.

[James Fritz]

He shall swallow a whole fish.

[Dave Anthony]

No one can eat 40 eggs. Feed him 40 eggs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ, he's pounding those.

[Dave Anthony]

You can even make Cool Hand Luke in this economy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're not going to do that.

[Dave Anthony]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're not gonna cool hand loop this economy again.

[Dave Anthony]

Whoa.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You little coy bastard.

[James Fritz]

In this little boat, they were exposed several days to the mercy of the seas and weather. Crofting the Gulf. Oh, crossing the Gulf. Sorry, that makes more sense.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love crofting the Gulf. That's what just happened in my throat.

[Dave Anthony]

Croft the Gulfagus.

[James Fritz]

Crossing the Gulf, where they filled sundry times so that the greatest number were obliged quit the boat whilst the others freed her from the water. Till on Monday last, they arrived safe in this harbor.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, everything worked out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. Yeah. Everyone's fine.

[James Fritz]

Nobody got. Nobody had to eat anybody else.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There was definitely one guy who was like, probably gonna need to make shanks out of each other.

[Dave Anthony]

Looking at you, Bob, we can see.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The land Dibs on Bob.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm gonna shake him.

[Dave Anthony]

Things could go wrong really fast. Fast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What if we get tired swimming that whole mile? Let me eat Ted and then we'll go.

[Dave Anthony]

Just. I need my strength.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I'm worried I'm not going to be able to make the journey. I. By the way, I heard.

[Dave Anthony]

I heard he's a lawyer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Anyone?

[James Fritz]

New York?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[James Fritz]

On Wednesday. Yeah, New York, Eric. On Wednesday last, near 11 o' clock at night, we felt an earthquake here. The first since we.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A witch queefed.

[James Fritz]

Jesus Christ.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A witch has queeved. The land shook. How the fuck do they believe in earthquakes in the time of witches? Thank you.

[Dave Anthony]

Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Crazy. It's so weird to be like, here's what happened. Yeah. The plates in the ground were rubbing against each other. Also, there's a chance Diane did it with that big stick. I believe she has a black heart and spells in her belly.

[Dave Anthony]

I believe this woman can fly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And in Pangea, you see, land slowly moved away from each other. And that explains why certain areas have similar species. Also, that woman birthed a demon two nights ago.

[James Fritz]

The first sense we had of it was like a strong gale of wind which increased till it began to resemble the noise of coaches swiftly driven, which continued and increased until it came to the place where it was felt. Here we had first one single shock and after an intermission of a few seconds, a violent tremor which continued upwards of a minute by the noise. It seemed to move from the westward to the east. We hear from Rhinebeck that it was felt there and that some houses were somewhat damaged at and about Phillipsburg, also upon Long Island. But as yet we have heard of no considerable damage. That was like in modern day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Arguably better than what we'll be dealing with in like five years. Like far more accurate with tremors.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then also this paper started with witch sheets.

[James Fritz]

Lost sometime in August. Last, a silver snuff box, guilt on the inside and a coat of arms engraved on the lid being three tigers heads and the crest of a lion rampant. Whoever brings it to Mr. Thomas hall in Prince George county or to the printer of this paper shall have half a pistol reward.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Half a pistol?

[Dave Anthony]

Which half?

[James Fritz]

What's half? What's a pistol?

[Gareth Reynolds]

The handle.

[Dave Anthony]

What do I have to do for the whole pistol?

[James Fritz]

I don't know. What is a pistol?

[Dave Anthony]

I got half a pistol. I got half a pistol if you bring back my fancy spit box.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There you go. Yeah, you got my nose backer. There you go. Take a barrel.

[Dave Anthony]

Can I. Can't you just use like an old Dr. Pepper can, like my dad used to. A gilded three lion thing for your.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

All right. So my son doesn't accidentally drink out of it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Guy with the cool Zippo.

[James Fritz]

It'S.

[Dave Anthony]

You ever go in for a tasty Dr. Pepper and it's your dad's spit?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've done. I've done the cigarette butts. You ever done that?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've done that, like, probably six times in my life. And every time. And probably, like three times. Told people. And the other three, I was like.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, yeah, yeah, hide it, hide it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hide it, hide it, hide it.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, that was basically college just drinking cigarettes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ah.

[James Fritz]

Price one shilling. Ten and a half.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What was it, Dave? It a pistol or whatever?

[James Fritz]

Oh, it's a gold coin.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, pistole. Half a pistole.

[James Fritz]

It's the French word for a Spanish coin.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right. We took a pistole.

[James Fritz]

Price one shilling.

[Dave Anthony]

That's the right word for it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like if someone took your urine, it's pistol. Stop.

[James Fritz]

Price 10 shillings. One.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, well, no, no. I've actually been reading some controversial thoughts from across the pond. Huh? Imagine the pyramid of toddlers, huh? If they're all the same age, why is it gross? That's all I'm saying. You're only grossed out by it because you know of what it is today. But if you had no idea, it would be fine. What.

[James Fritz]

Price is one shilling? Ten and a half. D. What's D? D is dollars.

[Dave Anthony]

You're the.

[James Fritz]

You're the Gareth. You're the English guy. What's a D?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Duck it. Smack it.

[James Fritz]

Duck it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Yeah, it is. Fuck off. Why'd you come to me for information if you don't like what you're wearing?

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, I thought D was for Dano.

[James Fritz]

No one's helpful. Poems on several occasions, never before printed by a gentleman of Virginia. Price, 15.

[Gareth Reynolds]

D. I ain't paying for fucking Virginia columns.

[James Fritz]

This guy just put an ad in the paper and he's like, hey, I wrote some poems.

[Dave Anthony]

No, that's a male Virginia ones. Yeah. We wager poems against the Bible. Poems lose, damn it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bible's undefeated.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. The heaviest object known to man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Not being able to speak up. Nothing's heavier than the Bible.

[James Fritz]

Jamaica is remarkable for earthquakes. The inhabitants, Dr. Sloan informs us, expect one every year. That author gives us A history of one in 1687, another horrible one in 1692, is described by several anonymous authors. In two minutes time, it shook down and drowned nine, ten of the town of Port Royal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[James Fritz]

The houses sunk outright 30 or 40 fathoms deep.

[Dave Anthony]

Deep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, it's a fathoms deep.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The. I can't even imagine how deep it is. That's one fathom. Stop. Everyone stop. James, get back here.

[Dave Anthony]

I was thinking.

[James Fritz]

The earth opening swallowed up people as if. And they rose in. In other streets. Some. So some were. Some were kicked up and some went down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The earthquake like shocked people.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[James Fritz]

What kind of fault is that, Gareth? Go ahead and tell.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, it's. Who muted me? I just.

[James Fritz]

Strike slip. Strike slip.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

N. It's. Yeah, it's a snip snip. Stalag Stag mite.

[James Fritz]

Yeah, Stag stag.

[Dave Anthony]

Might the.

[James Fritz]

Though there. There. There were two thou. Though there were 2,000 people lost and a thousand acres of land sunk. That's a lot of people for that.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah, it's a lot of land too. I mean, nothing.

[James Fritz]

All the houses were thrown down through the island. One Hopkins had his plantation removed half a mile from its place. No, that's not that. That.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, don't. Don't cry too.

[Dave Anthony]

Now you're lying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now.

[James Fritz]

Now you've got.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I guess we've relocated the earthquake move.

[James Fritz]

All the wells from one fathom to six or seven. The water flew out at the top of a. With a vehement motion while the houses on the one side of the street were swallowed up. On the other they were thrown on heaps and the sand in the street arose like waves in the sea, lifting up everybody that stood on it and immediately dropping down onto it Looks like piss. But that can't be pissed. It looks like pissed Hell.

[Dave Anthony]

Piss.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All the places landed on the piss.

[Dave Anthony]

Yep, that's the old. That's that old newspaper. That's an old journalist joke and joke they like to do to see if people are still reading. Yeah, just end the story with piss.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And everyone lived on piss.

[Dave Anthony]

We'll see who catches this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is anyone reading? There was piss.

[Dave Anthony]

It was pissed.

[James Fritz]

Yeah, it's piss.

[Dave Anthony]

If you've read this far. Piss.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Piss.

[James Fritz]

Letters from Venice say that at the Pope's request. One Raganioto, a native of Ancona and a darling.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Say. Right.

[James Fritz]

That's a tough word. How you say.

[Dave Anthony]

Baby? Was.

[James Fritz]

Was apprehended. Excuse me?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Goo goo.

[Dave Anthony]

Do you like me?

[James Fritz]

Was apprehended.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cop.

[Dave Anthony]

That's right, ma'.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Am.

[Dave Anthony]

Baby cop.

[James Fritz]

I mean, I just can't imagine the life that you've created. Every time you see a baby, you're gonna have to ask if he's a cop. What have you done?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, you guys.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Holy. My version. Give me your B number.

[Dave Anthony]

And they're like, it's this mini.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait a minute. Bpd, Baby Police Department. No, the idea for the last time, is that everyone's a baby.

[James Fritz]

Yeah, no, we got it. But then why you ask?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, they're gonna have to procreate in the land of baby.

[Dave Anthony]

Not the idea of your dream scenario.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why?

[James Fritz]

So why are you asking if babies are cops? Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

If you're already in your perfect fantasy land, why are cops even there? I thought you were ACAB or.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, no, someone's trying to ruin Utopia. Abab, aabac. All babies are cops till.

[Dave Anthony]

Until proven otherwise. That's how you gotta operate.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Tell you what, this town's going to. It's really a bad.

[James Fritz]

Okay, so this guy was apprehended in the square of St Mark who Tis said has already murdered 49 persons with his own hands and threatened Cardinal 3 with other peoples Alberoni and several clergymen. Well, that guy's. Wow, that's awesome. Yeah, he's a go getter.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. What, James, you don't like the murder?

[Dave Anthony]

I didn't. I don't not like it. Wait, what's cool to say? I love murder.

[James Fritz]

Murder's awesome.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Peer pressure. Say it.

[Dave Anthony]

I think everyone should be murdered if they think differently than me. Is that the right. That's right. Right.

[James Fritz]

That's correct.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're gonna fit in today's world. Great.

[James Fritz]

Now you're mayor of New York. There we go. Extract from extract of a letter from Ellie dated July 5th. On Friday last, Mary Bird, contemned for the murder of her husband by poison, was brought on a sledge and burnt in view of.

[Dave Anthony]

Wow.

[James Fritz]

I just didn't expect that. I just wasn't expecting that.

[Dave Anthony]

Burnt in view always hits burnt in view. It's very.

[Gareth Reynolds]

On a sledge.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. We're not even making up a fun test for this lady.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, just.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, we're on a slab and burner in front of people.

[James Fritz]

Burner and burnt in view of many thousands of spectators whose curiosity inclined them to the sight of an execution to so uncommon in this country. And.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go ahead.

[James Fritz]

And as there was something extraordinary in the woman. I have sent you particular account of her as follows.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Blood. So much red.

[James Fritz]

Blood.

[Dave Anthony]

Or devil's juice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The devil's Kool Aid.

[James Fritz]

Her behavior while under condemnation was something remarkable for her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Very strange. When she was ablaze, very whiny, yelly, complaining.

[Dave Anthony]

I wouldn't be that way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was very weird, very unlady. Just turned to her husband. Was she always like this? How'd you put up with this? Crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

How'd you put up with this? God, that.

[James Fritz]

That voice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Talk about shrill.

[Dave Anthony]

The pain. The pain. We get it. We're all in pain.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[James Fritz]

Her passion for Day her Gallant was strong. She could not hear the very rattling of his irons without being all of a fire. Which passion, she said, had frequently assaulted her when she was engaged in her deep felt and most solemn devotions. Okay, so whatever God is like going into her and.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, nice.

[James Fritz]

Yeah, It's a God thing.

[Dave Anthony]

Get you some God. Oh, yeah. What?

[James Fritz]

She's really into God. Don't. Well, the high.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[James Fritz]

Finally, the Hyde bailiff. Finding no likelihood of her being brought to a true sense of the horrid crime she had been found convicted of. Of tell her Gallant was removed, gave orders and Goofy entered the room.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is going on?

[Dave Anthony]

Can I be your clerk?

[Gareth Reynolds]

How many cows does a fathom. Jesus Christ. Goofus.

[James Fritz]

Gave orders to the jailer for his immediate discharge out of prison. And and briefly forbid his ever being admitted to the sight of her again. After this she seemed to show some signs of real penance. And owed not only the fact itself and the justice of the sentence which had been parsed on her. And also declared that she had given the potion in warm ale. But not in hasty pudding. As commonly reported it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And they believed in earthquakes.

[Dave Anthony]

This is how Second City started.

[James Fritz]

But she gave him the first half. Hasty pudding. But she gave him the first half ounce. For which she immediately felt the pangs of conscience. And wished sincerely that it might not have the expected effect that her method of giving was. Thus she mix the arsenic with brown sugar. And then put it in the ale and give it to him to drink.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, this sugary drink has a weird little flavor to it.

[Dave Anthony]

You won't mind us long.

[James Fritz]

This is really weird sugary beer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just have another sip. It's really good. Once you get past the top and the middle. And the strong chemically taste that just feels covered up by just pieces of.

[Dave Anthony]

More sugar. You want more sugar, you say?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I guess.

[Dave Anthony]

Or more poison? I mean, I just said too much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait. What?

[Dave Anthony]

More sugar?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Okay.

[James Fritz]

Some of her friends taxed her with having formerly murdered two of her bastard children.

[Dave Anthony]

Nice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ. You killed your bastards.

[James Fritz]

But she declared.

[Dave Anthony]

Who's gonna grow up to play the blues? That.

[James Fritz]

But she declared that the la to the last. That the the accusation was false. And that she never had been guilty of even the intention of murder. Except the fact for which she was to suffer. It was remarkable that even when she shewed the Most evident signs of true acceptance. She preserved a boy. This is hard. Okay. She was carried to the stake in a garment made of sackcloth covered with pitch. Beautiful. Oh, so it'll burn better.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Nice sack.

[James Fritz]

And it was observed that when she was going to receive her punishment, she turned aside her pitched cap and cast her eyes among the spectators. Her countenance was at that time cheerful and bespoke a great deal of resignation. She spoke little at the stake.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, what's there to say at that point?

[James Fritz]

Yeah, at that point.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did I ever tell you guys about the weirdest sleepover I was a part of?

[James Fritz]

All that time had to say. She compromised briefly and addressed herself to the spectators in the following manner. That she deserved the punishment she was going to suffer. That she freely forgave all the evidences against her. But that her.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, this isn't fun. We want you screaming while you're going. No, No, I didn't do it. But we know you were.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Resignation is not hot now.

[Dave Anthony]

It's not? No. I guess we kill you on the slab, but now we feel kind of bad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cut her down.

[James Fritz]

She said she hoped all women would take warning of her shameful end.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, some ally.

[James Fritz]

I don't know. Maybe. Yeah, we'll see.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm everyone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[James Fritz]

How about I want to end it with an ad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Or kiss.

[James Fritz]

Wilmore County, February 3rd. Ran away from the subscriber on the 21st of last month. A convict servant man named Edward Orsby. He is Irish, of low stature.

[Dave Anthony]

Of low stat. There it is.

[James Fritz]

Has an impediment in his speech.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He had I'm Irish stature.

[James Fritz]

Give me a list for Garrett. Garrett.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've come from a different country. It's called Ireland. It's not too close and it's not too far.

[James Fritz]

There you go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's not bad, is it? Why are you looking at me like that? Dreams. It's not that bad.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay? I heard it was low stature.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We have been a little stature. It's all kids.

[James Fritz]

He had on when he.

[Dave Anthony]

Wait.

[James Fritz]

He had on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sh up. Just be quiet, you.

[Dave Anthony]

You know you're not white in this country yet.

[James Fritz]

That is true. Yeah, well, that's very true.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No wonder so many people online have come after me for doing this thing. Now you've made this whole thing feel a bit racist. That's not nearly as fertile or fun.

[Dave Anthony]

Nearly as fertile. A front.

[James Fritz]

He had on when he went away. A green drugged coat lined with two sorts of Shalon and a drugged waistcoat of two sorts. And a gray colored pair of breeches. He's a tailor by trade. It is supposed he has gone away in the company with a mulatto woman known by the name of Ann Rilly, who being whipped last court held for the county of King George. They possibly have on the marks of her back. And is supposed he has changed his clothes and wears a whitish colored broadcloth. Whoever. Whoever will bring said servant to me shall have two something reward.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What an ass.

[James Fritz]

So his lady got whipped in court. His lady got up to court. So he ran away with her.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[James Fritz]

As you should. Yeah. Well done, sir.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[James Fritz]

I hope he escaped and never found him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Brought to you by ginger beer. Drink it. Oh, well, James, thank you for another joyful ride through the nightmare.

[Dave Anthony]

That was. That was a spooky one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That was spooky. That was strange. That felt like a Halloween episode. Maybe we'll save it. Old man yells at crowd is coming out soon. Where will you be posting about it at? Fritz is dead.

[James Fritz]

Instagram.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, follow me on Instagram.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fritz is dead.

[Dave Anthony]

X is really fun now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

X is fun.

[Dave Anthony]

X is back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like X is back, baby. So is comedy. That's why you did it.

[Dave Anthony]

Instagram. Yeah, follow me there. I guess of the main. Why am I still talking piss?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's better. Oh, God. This episode's over. Some of these days you'll miss me, honey. Some of these days. Hey, dollop fans. I know you love the dollop. You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five parter animation, which is actually like a 22 minute episode or 30 minute episode, I can't remember, of the rube. You can go to LakeSide Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome some animation of the rube. It really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one, so go there and watch the rube.