137 - The Past Times with Nato Green

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds Episode 137 - "The Past Times with Nato Green" Release Date: August 8, 2025

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Introduction

In Episode 137 of "The Dollop," hosts Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds invite the comedian Nato Green to delve into fascinating and bizarre historical newspaper excerpts. The episode offers a humorous exploration of archival news, blending sharp wit with historical oddities.

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Guest Introduction and Stand-Up Comedy Tour [00:04 – 01:45]

Gareth welcomes Nato Green, introducing him as a guest who, like Gareth, is encountering the chosen newspaper for the first time. Nato humorously mentions his reluctance to share the live show with his children, saying, “I invited my children to come to the live show and they were like, no, just listen to the podcast” [00:29].

Nato then outlines his upcoming stand-up tour dates across various cities, impressively listing them “all off the top of my head” [01:26]. Dave playfully teases Gareth, comparing Nato's memory skills to Gareth's own website mishaps.

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The Year Guessing Game [03:00 – 04:38]

To kick off the analysis, Gareth and Nato engage in a game where they guess the year of the newspaper excerpt without context. Nato confidently guesses “1877” [03:42], reflecting his inclination towards labor movements. Dave reveals the actual year as “1893” [04:05], highlighting Nato’s close but incorrect guess. The hosts humorously discuss White Oaks, New Mexico, clarifying it as a ghost town with no current population [05:06].

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The Enoch Arden Story [04:53 – 09:12]

The primary article centers on Enoch Arden from White Oaks, New Jersey, who seeks legal means to reclaim his wife after a 12-year absence. Gareth quips, “He Left and wants her back” [08:03], while Nato adds, “He would like to get ownership back of his wife” [08:14], poking fun at the archaic language used in the report. The conversation takes a darkly comedic turn as Nato shares a personal anecdote about a friend’s botched circumcision, relating it to the newspaper's peculiar storytelling [06:43 – 07:45].

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Ice Monopoly and Folding Bathtubs [14:05 – 30:51]

The discussion shifts to an advertisement about Virginia’s ice monopoly, where a man named Emilio has purchased all the ice from the Wo Springs Ice Company [14:05]. The hosts mock the practicality of hoarding ice in a hot climate, with Dave commenting, “He bought all the ice” and Nato humorously suggesting, “Give you a dollar for a big block” [14:10 – 14:44].

Transitioning to another ad, Dave introduces the concept of the “folding stand-up bathtub,” a quirky 1893 invention attempting to save space by folding into walls. Gareth marvels, “A hot tub that you put into your wall” [21:12], while Nato and Dave joke about the bathtub’s functionality and inherent flaws, including water spilling and messy installations [19:02 – 30:51]. The humorous banter highlights the impracticality and novelty of Victorian-era home innovations.

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Patriotic Flag Speeches [30:51 – 37:50]

An excerpt describes a crowd at a hotel stove listening to patriotic oratory praising the American flag. Dave narrates, “Gentlemen, after several bursts of patriotic oratory, every man and woman who is a true American loves the good old flag” [31:10]. Gareth and Nato mock the fervent yet superficial patriotism, with Gareth remarking, “It’s like how you feel during the national anthem where you're just like, jesus” [36:14], and Nato humorously suggests countering with Danish flags to advocate for light socialism [37:50].

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Black Buck Hunting in India [44:22 – 48:10]

The hosts move on to an article about hunting the black buck in India, appreciating the animal’s description but satirizing the hunting practices. Dave reads a passage detailing the hunting equipment and methods, prompting Gareth to joke, “Hey, how good is Rush?” [35:18], linking it to their earlier conversation about tight bands. The segment satirizes colonial hunting narratives and the glorification of hunting in historical contexts.

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Gold Mining and Abandoned Pipes [48:10 – 62:58]

An article about prospectors finding gold in old, uncleaned pipes leads to a humorous discussion on abandoned mining practices. Dave reads, “Langston and Owen cased their new well 6 miles north of town with some 8-inch pipe” [60:50], while Gareth and Nato mock the futile search for gold, with Nato stating, “You can't get new gold out of old gold” [62:37]. The dialogue underscores the folly and desperation often found in gold rush stories, blending historical facts with comedic exaggeration.

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Arranged Marriages in Japan [58:04 – 60:23]

A peculiar newspaper announcement about Japan abolishing the custom of furnishing husbands for women sparks a comedic exchange. Gareth quips, “I have him on layaway” [58:17], while Nato humorously interprets the article as American old maids being matched with Japanese husbands [59:35]. The hosts playfully mock arranged marriage concepts, blending cultural misunderstandings with sharp humor.

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Conclusion and Final Thoughts [62:07 – 63:23]

Wrapping up the episode, the hosts reflect on the absurdity of the historical articles, with Dave lamenting the lack of meaningful news: “Everything's falling apart. Who named a better place” [33:35]. Nato and Gareth continue to infuse humor into their analysis, ultimately thanking Nato for his participation and promoting his comedy ventures. Gareth signs off with smiles, inviting listeners to enjoy both the historical insights and comedic elements of their journey through "The Past Times."

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Nato Green [00:29]: “I invited my children to come to the live show and they were like, no, just listen to the podcast.”
• Dave Anthony [03:54]: “NATO wins because it is 1893.”
• Nato Green [04:38]: “I'm on tour. Look, look it up. Mr. NATO Green @ Instagram.”
• Gareth Reynolds [06:03]: “You can just like, imagine now to America to be like, oh wow. So that fresh, where is that fresh air?”
• Gareth Reynolds [21:12]: “A hot tub that you put into your wall.”
• Nato Green [37:50]: “But some Swedish flags to be like, we just want some light socialism.”
• Gareth Reynolds [54:00]: “To live at a time where you have a watch and yet are not.”

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Final Remarks

Episode 137 of "The Dollop" masterfully combines historical exploration with comedic flair, guided by the engaging interplay between Dave, Gareth, and Nato. Their lighthearted mockery and insightful commentary make for an entertaining deep dive into the peculiarities of 19th-century newspaper journalism, appealing to both history buffs and comedy enthusiasts alike.

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For more episodes and to follow Nato Green’s comedy tour, visit nato green’s Instagram, Blue Sky, and nato green.net.

Transcript

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, everybody. Welcome to the Pastimes podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before. And neither is our guest this week, the great NATO Green. Hello, NATO.

[NATO Green]

Hello, gentlemen. Good to see you. How are you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That you just joined us for a live show that. That has not been released yet.

[NATO Green]

I know. I'm waiting to send it to my children. I invited my children to come to the live show and they were like, no, just listen to the podcast. Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We should put it behind a paywall for them, specifically NATO. You're a great stand up. Where can. Where can people find where you're going to be or any shows or.

[NATO Green]

Yeah, I'm trying to put put together what will be my third album of political comedy. So if people want some good. The kind of comedy that you want to listen to right after you get tear gassed by ICE agents. I'm on tour. July 20, D.C. arts Center. Aug. 3, Philadelphia Punchline. Aug. 24, Sacramento Punchline. Aug. 28, Comedy. Fort Fort Collins. Aug. 30, Denver Grawlix Theater. Sept. 13, Portland Siren Theater. Aug. 2, Mic Drop Comedy in San Diego.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you doing that all off the top of your head?

[NATO Green]

I'm sorry. October 2nd, Mic Drop Comedy in San Diego. Yes, all off the top of my head.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's impressive.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, he's a little bit better than you, Gareth. You know what I'm saying?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I can't even get it right on my website.

[NATO Green]

You know, Gareth, I cannot manage being a successful comedian. I can manage memory tricks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good for you. That's something. That's half the battle. What did you just hold up, Dave.

[Dave Anthony]

So I got the. When I got back from the gig, we all did together, I had this really long printed letter and a typed note with it, and it's a guy's big pitch for an episode on a guy named Jack London.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's fucking hilarious. Well. Spoilers.

[NATO Green]

Well, anyway, I'm on tour. Look, look it up. Mr. NATO Green @ Instagram.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, great.

[NATO Green]

All the detail would be there.

[Dave Anthony]

And Mr. You're not. You're not. You go with the formal. You're not casual with the fans.

[NATO Green]

Well, there is a. There is a NATO Green on Instagram who is not me, because he's like a strapping young man who does a lot of, like, outdoors activities in the Australian outback. So I like to check at his, like, kill him. Sunset. Sunset vistas.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kill him. Go find him. He's Posting where he is, he's probably dropping pins.

[Dave Anthony]

It sounds like he's having a nice life down there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What a great post for you to find him in live stream of killing.

[NATO Green]

I'm going live while I'm murdering my doppelganger.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, and he murders you. Oh, no. Well, NATO, what we're gonna do is we're gonna take a wild ride through an old newspaper. You should lose every. Let's everybody lose a layer. And I'm heating up. How we like to start is you're going to try to guess what year this news paper will be from with no context. I'll follow that up with a guess. And you'll win because Dave's, you know, seems normal when you look at him, but inside of his head it's a haunted house of total nightmares. So you're free to guess any year, NATO, whatever you think.

[NATO Green]

Well, because as you know, I'm a labor guy. I think the year that I'm going to guess is 1877. The year of the, of the nationwide rail strikes.

[Dave Anthony]

Really good guess.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm gonna guess 1877.

[Dave Anthony]

NATO wins because it is 1893.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How does he win?

[Dave Anthony]

Because you, you can't do that. You forget what 100 forfeited.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I will beat you.

[Dave Anthony]

That's crazy to watch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just supposed to be a fun little warm up for the guests and for the people on the listen to the show.

[Dave Anthony]

And now it's just people hearing you try to cheat and because you've.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You forced this. You forced my hand.

[Dave Anthony]

Look, there's rules. And one of the rules is you can't guess what's just been guessed.

[NATO Green]

Wait a minute. I'm not sure there are rules.

[Dave Anthony]

Wait, let's not. He's not. He's kidding.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mr. NATO Green, do you say Dr.

[NATO Green]

Native Green is my father?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Dave Anthony]

Yes, it is. The White Oaks eagle from White Oaks, New Mexico. July 6, 1893. Now I have. I have never heard of White Oaks.

[NATO Green]

I've spent a lot of time in.

[Dave Anthony]

New Mexico and have you heard of it?

[NATO Green]

White Oaks? Never. Yeah, I've been going. My wife is from New Mexico. So I've been going to Mexico for 30 years and have never heard of White Oaks.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, it looks like it's just a gold. A gold town.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So that's what this is going to be. This will be updates.

[Dave Anthony]

It does not appear to be a city anymore. Oh, wait. Old commercial building in White Oaks. But there's no like, if you go to Wikipedia, there's no like population number that they usually have up there. So I'm assuming nobody lives there, so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This could potentially just be one guy writing a paper for himself. A descent into madness.

[Dave Anthony]

It is a ghost town. It is officially a ghost town. Okay, there we go. So it's a dead. It's a dead place.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right.

[Dave Anthony]

Like America. A New Jersey. Enoch Arden. Is that his name? Enoch Arden?

[Gareth Reynolds]

How are you spelling Enoch?

[Dave Anthony]

E, N, O, C, H. Okay, that seems like.

[NATO Green]

That's, like biblical, right?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's biblical.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like a. I was hoping it was eunuch. Well, that's a bank start.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's a patriarch prior to Noah's flood. Okay. Enoch is the biblical figure in patriarch. So it's just a guy named Enoch, I'm assuming.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Eda Garden has invoked the area.

[NATO Green]

You could bring that back, though. You could just. Just like, imagine you. You could have a. You have a kid. Just that. So that you could name him Eunuch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I like it. I definitely like it. And by the way, I don't just name a kid and not follow through. So I'm gonna ask the Moyle for a little extra. Keep going.

[Dave Anthony]

You could go farther. You can also get it all the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Take out the digger.

[NATO Green]

Okay, wait a minute. Can I tell you. So I knew a guy growing up, and the circumcision didn't take when he was born because according to Jewish law, it doesn't count as a circumcision unless I guess there's blood. And so, like, when he was in middle school, his parents brought him back to the moil just to get stabbed in the dick just because it didn't bleed.

[Dave Anthony]

Just to bleed.

[NATO Green]

Just. Just to bleed it out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So it was cut, but the blood had not runneth. So he needed to get a bloody one.

[NATO Green]

Yeah, he needs to get it bloody.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is so crazy.

[Dave Anthony]

It's time to. Hey, Timmy, it's time to get your dick cut.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I thought I already did.

[Dave Anthony]

We're taking you out of school early.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That I like, by the way. If you had pitched that to me when I was a kid, like, six days off. But your dick has to get cut, I'd have been like, I don't hate the pitch. There's a lot I like.

[NATO Green]

It's not dead on arrival.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not the way. I'm still here, aren't I?

[NATO Green]

Okay. 1893.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. So a New Jersey. Enoch Arden has invoked the aid of the courts to regain possession of the wife he deserted 12 years ago.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Regain possession.

[Dave Anthony]

So it's a weird. It's a weird way to put it. Possession.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He Left and wants her back.

[Dave Anthony]

He would like to get ownership back of his wife. Is.

[NATO Green]

Yeah. Possession is 9, 10 of the law. And marriage.

[Dave Anthony]

And marriage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

And who, during his absence, married another man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that is. Now that's cheating. I. Now that's ridiculous.

[Dave Anthony]

You gotta wait 15 years.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good Lord. Can a man pause a movie without it going away?

[Dave Anthony]

How. How human. When he had her, he didn't want her. And when he couldn't get her, he wanted her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is classic, man.

[Dave Anthony]

So they're. They're talking a little there. They're taking a Digging town.

[NATO Green]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

The whole story.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's it. That's it.

[NATO Green]

That's the whole story. Well, that's it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So he.

[NATO Green]

He went to the judge.

[Dave Anthony]

I assume he was like, can I have her?

[NATO Green]

Is she in a different place, do we think?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Emotionally?

[Dave Anthony]

I don't. Yeah, no, she's probably in the same place because it sounds like he left.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He deserves so awkward if you're the new husband. So I saw Ted today. Oh, God. He's back in town? Well, yeah. Jesus. Do you even talk to him? I had to. He's trying to repossess me. What?

[Dave Anthony]

Here's your caller. Woman.

[NATO Green]

I want to. Can I repo my wife? Is that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is horribly awkward, but I'll have her back now. My flag was in her sands first.

[NATO Green]

I can't find anyone else to churn my butter.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And believe me, I've looked. She's terrible. But there's only worse.

[Dave Anthony]

Virginia has turned out the best summer advertisement of the season.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can't wait.

[Dave Anthony]

In the alleged discovery of natural ice.

[NATO Green]

What the fuck?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What was that? Even.

[Dave Anthony]

This is before refrigerators.

[NATO Green]

They were like, wait a minute. If it gets cold enough.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[NATO Green]

Discovered ice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It really makes it sound like they were like, this is water the whole time.

[Dave Anthony]

I don't. I don't think there's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I Is if they just found a bunch of ice and that was a big deal.

[Dave Anthony]

I think they're saying. Yeah, that. Okay, it's July, so they're saying that there's still ice around in July. I'm not buying it. It's a. It's a lie to get people to go there.

[NATO Green]

Virginia.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it would have to be in a cave, wouldn't it, to stay ice that long? It's not a river.

[NATO Green]

And why is that. Why is that in a newspaper in New Mexico?

[Dave Anthony]

Because they're hot and they want to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go places where they're comm. Are they commending the advertisement?

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So they're going like, boy, we got a bunch of suckers idiots went Virginia for ice. I mean, by the way, the beauty of America is now ice is everywhere and it's coming to take us.

[Dave Anthony]

Who wouldn't be anxious to spend a few weeks in the vicinity of such a cooling curiosity?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

So I guess that's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We were otters.

[Dave Anthony]

That's the vacation. It's the summer vacation.

[NATO Green]

Dad, what are we doing this summer? We're gonna go just sit near ice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What if I.

[NATO Green]

Can I do anything with it? No, no, we're just gonna sit next.

[Gareth Reynolds]

To it and honestly, it's probably not even real. We're going to Virginia.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Then you roll it and the guy at the hotel's like, well, there it is. And you're like, that's water. And he's like, well, it was wait long enough. It will.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Let me tell you the history of that puddle. Dad, shut up.

[Dave Anthony]

The canals of the country will experience a boom if the project of propelling canal boats by the trolley electric system can be successfully worked. And it is believed it can be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're talking about electric canals. I'm seeing an issue.

[Dave Anthony]

They're talking about electric boats on canals.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Everyone died again. What is it with plugging in this water system?

[Dave Anthony]

How I. How. I guess that they were. I guess that the trolley pulling part would be on the land next to the canal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't love it.

[Dave Anthony]

Remember, this is a time when you'd get. You guys on the shore, would pull the. The boat through a canal with ropes on the side.

[Gareth Reynolds]

NATO, I love how he says to me, remember this is the time like I have. Oh, oh, this is still back when they pulled it.

[Dave Anthony]

It's many times.

[NATO Green]

Gareth, you know how all the. Back in the. Always with the canals and the pulling.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And the boat that didn't start till 1898.

[NATO Green]

Before that. Before that, they had to push the boats up the canals.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ah, that I remember.

[NATO Green]

And the. And the. And the. The mariners kept throwing their backs out. Yeah, they all had slipped discs because of all the pushing. And they were like, guys, wait a minute. We could pull just with your backs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not with your legs.

[Dave Anthony]

NATO remembers.

[NATO Green]

Yeah. I was. I was an active canal stevedore in the 1890s.

[Dave Anthony]

That was the name of his first album.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[NATO Green]

Canal Stevedore.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's a great name.

[NATO Green]

It was. It was released exclusively on Purple Daguerreotype.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Which turned into 800 pound gorilla, if I'm not mistaken. Yeah. I don't love this. I don't love the idea. Water. Electric.

[Dave Anthony]

Ice.

[NATO Green]

Ice.

[Dave Anthony]

That's the headline. They could go today. Also the Same. Leave orders with Stuart for ice. He has purchased all the ice put up by the Wo Springs Ice Company.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

So he, he, he's monopolized the ice in town.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ice Monopoly.

[NATO Green]

And now they're like, I saw that documentary Ice Pirates.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah, same. This is it. Well, that. So this guy's a fucking asshole. He bought all the ice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But it's very funny to be buying ice when there's not really anywhere to hoard it. Right.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, I think, as I recall from an episode we did about this, I think all the ice is together in blocks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

To keep it from Mel quickly. And then you sell the big square.

[NATO Green]

Cubes for my cocktails.

[Dave Anthony]

That's right. That.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right. They melt. Yeah. But still. It will melt.

[Dave Anthony]

It will melt. But you have it for a little while. They can put your face on it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You really gotta. But you just wait until that starts melting before you make a bid. And you're like, I give you a dollar for a big block. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. You put it in the ice house.

[NATO Green]

Okay. But is this person. Are you. I still. I still don't understand if this is the person buying the ice in Virginia or is he in New Mexico?

[Dave Anthony]

I think he's in. In town here. And he bought the ice that was for sale in the area and now he's hoard. He's hoarding ice. He's an ice hoarder.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nice hoarder.

[Dave Anthony]

And so he's going to sell it to the locals. He's a dick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

It's capitalism.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

We're all against it.

[NATO Green]

We're against it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I just. I don't know what we'd replace it with, Dave.

[Dave Anthony]

Right? That's right. There's no better system.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We've tried everything.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

For the other ones.

[Dave Anthony]

Star of the South. Go to Velasco for health, sea air and comfort. Where ships too deep for all the other Texas ports sail in and out with ease. Where fruits ripen earlier and pay better than in California. Where the soil is a natural hot bed. Where Velasco.

[NATO Green]

Winter I love. I mean, it is like, it's a. It's a weird thing about New Mexico that, like, there's. There's all of this history about, like, someone being sickly in somewhat in a more humid country and being like, you should go to New Mexico for its healing purposes because it'll dry you out. Like, there's all, like, all these, you know, people like, just like going to the desert for health reasons because it's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a dry heat.

[NATO Green]

It's a dry heat. And I guess it'll deal with your malaria or whatever the fuck, you know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I wonder, is there any connection to that being true? Maybe, right?

[NATO Green]

I mean, who knows? But I mean it's just, it's such a, like such a primitive medical science to me of like, oh, oh, you're very sick. No, no, we're not going to treat you. Just go, go stand over there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well also it would be so if I was in New Mexico, I'd be like, we need to build a wall because they are sending their sick. I just put every sick person like and if I lay down. Yeah, yeah. I had to be like, no, I.

[Dave Anthony]

Never, I never really thought about that. But that's totally what happened in those places. Just sick people came.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would really be like, we gotta move. This is bad.

[NATO Green]

Isn't that part of the like, like wasn't that part of Oppenheimer? Going into Mexico was like, I just, I want to build.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I think so.

[NATO Green]

Breathe the fresh air.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's Imagine now to America to be like, oh wow. So that fresh, where is that fresh air? Does that exist anywhere?

[Dave Anthony]

Not anymore. We got rid of it. Fresh vegetables all winter. Coldest day in three years is 25 degrees above zero. Warmest day, 92 degrees. That's not, that doesn't apply anymore.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So good.

[Dave Anthony]

Velasco offers the best investments in the south. Well, There you go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

92 degrees being your cap for New Mexico.

[Dave Anthony]

That's pretty amazing.

[NATO Green]

I, I love the like the VC guy being like get in early on the, on the ripe fruit.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[NATO Green]

There's a lot of upside on the right fruit. Ripe fruit market.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

I don't know if I can put a picture in chat, can I? Because I know you guys to see this. It's a stand up bathtub. Oh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, it's a folding.

[NATO Green]

Is it a shower?

[Dave Anthony]

It's a folding.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like a shark tank idea that gets passed on. I think that's just a bath. That's a shower.

[Dave Anthony]

It's a folding stand up bathtub. So it's a bath.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like a Murphy tub.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's a Murphy tub. That's exactly what it is.

[NATO Green]

They haven't figured out that water flows down. Guys, we just learned that ice, the water freezes as ice. And also I keep closing my Murphy tub and it spills water all over.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gets everywhere, filthy water. The new Murphy Murphy bed. Whoever came up Murphy from the Murphy bed was like, I need a follow up. Hit the Murphy tub, the Murphy toilet.

[NATO Green]

I, I, so I, I after a Day of wrangling horses or whatever I did and mining, panning for gold. I got into my murphy tub to soak off all my filth and scum. And then just spilled filth water all over my house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Walls are just rotting. This whole wall needs to come down for some reason.

[Dave Anthony]

Look, I think the tub I bought from you is broken. Because every time I fold it up, the house just floods.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's not a tub issue. No, the murphy tub works great. You just put it into your wall and the bath's over.

[NATO Green]

Maybe. Maybe you're not closing it fast enough.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you close it up, you gotta tronch it up.

[Dave Anthony]

I really tried all speeds. I gotta be honest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This going off, if you tried to really jam. You gotta jam it up.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I really jam it up. I mean, it's hard because it's full, but yeah, I do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, it's supposed to be full. You want it full. That's a huge component of the murphy tub.

[NATO Green]

You have to save the water. This water is too scarce out here.

[Dave Anthony]

I know, I know.

[NATO Green]

You can't waste the water by spilling it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let me ask you this. Have you drank the water when done bathing before putting it up there? Because that has actually worked for a lot of our customers.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, it's very dirty water. So no, it's full of my filth. It's. It's like a couple weeks. I mean, I'm out for a couple weeks and it's pretty.

[NATO Green]

You had to use a chisel in the bath.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it's bad. It's bad. I've even tried to put an ice block in there, but.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All new Murphy tub. The house of the future.

[Dave Anthony]

It answers it. Answer the ad. Answers all the questions. What is this? A combination whole folding bathtub with heater attached.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It sounds so dangerous for 1893.

[Dave Anthony]

Super dangerous.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A hot tub that you put into your wall.

[Dave Anthony]

Where can it be put in any apartment of your house? Okay, sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That must be compartment.

[Dave Anthony]

I guess it says apartment. It must be. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But they. They must be like, yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

What does it represent? A handsome piece of furniture.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I do. Like. I remember my mother, who is when I say this sounds like she's from the 1800s. But she would tell me like her aunt had the bathtub in her kitchen. Like so I do understand the idea that you were just like, yeah, I want to like have the space. But it's like the tech isn't ready yet.

[Dave Anthony]

I did see that a lot in New York when I was there. People had the tubs and just living.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Room Tubs, Kitchen tubs. Yeah.

[NATO Green]

Were they like tenements?

[Dave Anthony]

No, but they had like converted the building and not a great way and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, well, that's one of the things. Mom. Donnie. It's like, dude, you're not like, he's trying to get tubs and bathrooms. It's just like disgusting. Disgusting.

[Dave Anthony]

What is it used for? To wash yourself in. When? At least once a week. How? With soap and water.

[NATO Green]

Does it say that?

[Dave Anthony]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Once a week is also horrifying. People are like, that's pretty regular.

[Dave Anthony]

And it's called the Folding Bathtub Company. I'm gonna look it up and see.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They don't spoiler. They don't exist anymore. They might be the people who came up with the walk in tub technology, though, which has always been my favorite style of bath. A car, a tub.

[NATO Green]

Like a bathtub with like a sliding door.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, they've got the like hand. Like it's like for seniors. But it's like you open the side of your tub and then you get in and then you fill it. Which is just its own strange experience to sit there naked waiting for the water to hit you. You know, it's like. It's like demolition man.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean, okay. It was a thing in the 19th century. In the late 1800s, the mostly folding.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's so many plumbing questions.

[Dave Anthony]

The mostly folding bathtub company in Chicago introduced a product that could turn any room to a bathroom. The closet folding bathtub.

[NATO Green]

I mean, Dave, Dave, any room is a bathroom. If you shouldn't it.

[Dave Anthony]

That's a really point. It also had a built in mirror on one side for added pimping. Primping value.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pimping value.

[Dave Anthony]

Pimping would be totally different.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're worth about 150 now.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, I mean, I guess. And then another company made. Another company made their own folding bathtub.

[NATO Green]

Oh.

[Dave Anthony]

So this one has a, like a. A water tank. So when you fold it up, there's a water tank and then the tub just goes around the water tank. So that's how you get the heat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But the, the draining look, I don't want to get caught up in it.

[Dave Anthony]

Because the draining part is not good. The draining part is really.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because there's no pipe that is going to. It's not like the pipe is on like some sort of weird pulley.

[NATO Green]

I'm. I'm imagining like I do. Do you remember like there, like there's, you know, like there. Sometimes there's like a new thing that comes out. And then you go to people's house and they want to show you that they have the new thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[NATO Green]

I imagine people visiting other people's homes in White Oaks in 1893 and being like, let me show you my new folding tub.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[NATO Green]

I'd be like, oh, can I get in it right now?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Everybody take a dip.

[NATO Green]

Deacon, have some decency, you know?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look at this mirror. Mind if I spread my cheeks? Deacon. I've never seen that part of me before. It's the only part. I've always wondered what it looked like.

[NATO Green]

I do have a taint after all.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whoa. That's dark and it's wet. Oh, my Lord. It's like someone folded a tub up there.

[NATO Green]

My white oak is white and oaky.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, boy. Grace, get over here. There is never going to be an answer for me on where the water goes. It's just they are. In my opinion, water is sloshing in a wall bog.

[Dave Anthony]

After the bath, the water was drained into a basin that then had to be emptied. So that's problematic also though, because you still have to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's. It's just extra steps.

[Dave Anthony]

It sounds like you're. It sounds like you're. But I would think that would be a problem with all bathtubs unless they were connected to pipes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. A company called I do like.

[NATO Green]

I do like that develop. Like I've been in. I like that quality. Those bathrooms. Like I've been in them in Europe where it's like. It's all tile and there's no stall and this is a drain.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[NATO Green]

Like, I think that's fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I do.

[Dave Anthony]

I do too. Yeah, I like that. A company called Brush and Rick introduced a similar creation.

[NATO Green]

Combination and be in the shower at the same time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sorry. NATO. What was that?

[Dave Anthony]

Got really weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Something at the end there.

[Dave Anthony]

You sounded. You sounded like a guy whose kids left the house. I got to be honest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shit in the tub.

[Dave Anthony]

You say? Crazy shit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did the Deacon crap in our folding tub?

[NATO Green]

Sure did.

[Dave Anthony]

The combination brush. And Rick introduced the combination sofa and bathtub.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sofa, bathtub. What are you talking about?

[Dave Anthony]

Sadly, reports of sofas catching on fire and people getting burned while bathing made it a short lived product.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[NATO Green]

Guys?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[NATO Green]

Everybody get in. We're inventing the microwave. Bathtub.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Have you ever couch showered?

[Dave Anthony]

They also.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How did your house burn down? Well, we bought the sofa bath. The guy had not figured out a bunch of the stuff.

[NATO Green]

It didn't work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It didn't work. It had caught fire. Not one time we had a bunch of people over.

[NATO Green]

Guys, it's time for the horse bath. It's A horse with a bath that's in it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can ride to town in a tub the way a king would. The horse caught on fire. How.

[Dave Anthony]

The Moseley folding company referenced folding beds in their ads.

[Gareth Reynolds]

In a way, the mostly folding company is so funny.

[Dave Anthony]

Mosley.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mosley. Oh, if I said mostly. Oh, damn it. Still, the idea that they're like, where they put it back in the wall. Guys.

[Dave Anthony]

Charles Hess obtained a patent for an improved combined can't piano, couch and bureau.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Dave Anthony]

The actual people are just trying to figure out different ways to fold up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Dave Anthony]

So it did not. It did not last very long.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But for sure, just sitting in a room. What if the piano was a couch and a bath? Honey, come to bed. Hold on. But we're all laughing this one.

[NATO Green]

What if I could fold this barbecue?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What if this barbecue. The house was also a wife. Honey, come to bed. No, hold on. You cook on your wife's grill, but it's also a mattress bath.

[NATO Green]

I'm in possession of my wife.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where's your wife? Well, she's in the wall. I just bathed in her. Wait, what?

[Dave Anthony]

Which I do mean the wife that's part toilet or do you mean the wife that's part.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I only have the toilet wife. I turned my wife into a toilet, bath, couch. She lives in the wall.

[NATO Green]

You're think left down the lane. His wife is a combination barbecue.

[Gareth Reynolds]

His wife's a barbecue bench bath stove. She tried to leave him, but she just. She can't. She doesn't have a leg to stand on because she's attached to the wall.

[NATO Green]

I thought she had four legs to stand on. No, two of them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because the wall is sort of load bearing.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let me ask my wife.

[NATO Green]

You got one of those load bearing wives?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I have a load bearing wife who's a toilet. Here, let me. I'll take her out of the wall, see what she says. Hi, boys. Anyone for soup? She's also a cauldron.

[Dave Anthony]

So there are still a number of companies that offer modern folding bathtubs made of plastic and rubber today. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't hate it.

[Dave Anthony]

I don't hate it either. It's also. It makes sense in today's world where they're just squeezing us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's one of those like. Yeah, you could see like Japan being big into like the folding bath walls or something. Like, if they did it, I'd be like, I'm listening. If it was in America, I'd be like, this is going to give you black mold.

[Dave Anthony]

It's really weird. Okay. Practical patriotism. Oh, boy, here we go. There was a crowd around the hotel stove in the country town. Hotel stove.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hotel stove. It folds into the wall.

[Dave Anthony]

For the night was cold, and half the businessmen of the place had collected to hear the new and the news and listen to the drummers tell stories. Okay, so it's a weird time and no one's having fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Worst member of the band to be chatting to.

[Dave Anthony]

Pretty soon, one man got the bits in his teeth and began doing the bulk of the talking. Gentlemen, after several bursts of patriotic oratory, every man and woman who is a true American loves the good old flag as the emblem of what is best in government.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, God.

[Dave Anthony]

The principles for which it stands cannot be too early instilled in the minds and hearts of newcomers on the field of action. Be the use of our own blood or men of other lands come newly to the shores that flag should ever wave in sight of Americans where it can be found a more appropriate and better place than right here in your beautiful town. And everyone erupted into cheers, as you would expect, because Americans are easy to get feverish about the flag. Who is he? A man leaning in inquired. He must be a member of Congress. No, responded a clerk, toying with the register. He's in New York.

[NATO Green]

Toying with the register. I'm just gonna finger the cash register real quick. Trying to pleasure. Crash register. It's a very sexy cash register.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dave's frozen face right now is unreal.

[Dave Anthony]

You like it? He's a New York dummy. Drummies. Drummies or drummies. I can't read the word. Representing a flag factory in that town. And the crowd caught on and abased the drummer up the stairs to his room. So they realized he wasn't enjoying the patriots of America, but he was selling flags, which is in itself a way to celebrate America.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So weird to that that culture has lasted as long as it has in this, like, it is really amazing that just to live in a country where you just are always like, how great are we?

[Dave Anthony]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Everything's falling apart. Who name a better place.

[Dave Anthony]

I feel like the countries that do that actually really suck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Their whole business model is predicated on just bluster.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like if you've only went and saw one band and then you stood around in the parking lot talking about how great the band is, like, and you've only ever heard one band.

[Dave Anthony]

You're like, man, I can do that. I can do that with Weezer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How good is Rush?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, that's another one I could do it with. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, See? Yeah. Rush fans. Yeah. All right, leave that one be.

[NATO Green]

We are the priests of the temple of Syrinx.

[Dave Anthony]

And they were.

[NATO Green]

And they were.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'd vote for Pert.

[Dave Anthony]

When I was in freshman year in high school, we were taking a short story writing class and the near the end of the year for like our final, the guy's like, okay, you gotta write a short story and then read it in front of the class. And so our buddy just took the lyrics to that song and went up and read them. And we were all dying laughing. And then we all got like, Cs. And he got an A. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is incredible. You're really writing some deep stuff over there.

[NATO Green]

The thing. So like, like I, when, when I was deep into my Rush phase, which was in high school, like the, like the thing that people said about like, the, the highest quality, the best, the highest praise you can give to a band. Like, the thing I always said about Rush was like, oh, they're so tight. They're the tightest band. Like, that was the most important thing about a band was to be tight as possible.

[Dave Anthony]

Tight? Yeah, they're just tight.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're tight.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[NATO Green]

I mean, they were, they were very tight.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There was some looseness in some of it, but for the most part, quite tight.

[NATO Green]

And then at some point I, I got into the punk band. No means no, literally, because someone was like, they're, they're tight. They're a punk band, but they're super tight. I was like, okay, then I'm going.

[Gareth Reynolds]

To get into that tight. I love a tight band.

[NATO Green]

If I'm listening to something and it's not tight, I just, I can't stand it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't. They need to ratchet this up. This is just horrific.

[NATO Green]

If you were in a bar and someone started giving a speech about the American flag, what would you do?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I would do what we all basically do, which is just be like. It's like how you feel during the national anthem where you're just like, jesus.

[Dave Anthony]

Christ, let's get this over with.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What would you do?

[NATO Green]

I would ask follow up questions.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so you'd be like, sorry, excuse me.

[NATO Green]

I'm completely. That guy. I'd be like, what was the line? He said the flag and what it represents about our system of government. I would go, what does it represent about our system of government? Tell me about it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's so good. That is such a good follow up.

[NATO Green]

I have, I have a. Wait. I have a question. Excuse me. I did. I would really like. I would fully. Colombo. It I was like, I'm sorry, I don't mean to interrupt.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm about to leave.

[NATO Green]

I'm about. I just. I don't mean to bother you, but if you don't. I'm just a little bit confused. One more thing, One more thing, if you would. What. What is our system of government?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Awesome.

[NATO Green]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think that whenever I see, like, the truck with the flag in the bed where I'm just like, oh, my God, like, why it really is such a way of letting them get away with so much. Like, we should just start driving around with like Danish flags just to be like, yeah, we need to step it up here. We need some more socialism.

[NATO Green]

Right. Not. Not. Like, not full. Full flat. Like, not. We're not full communism. Like, not Cuban flags.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. Like, unless things improve, then we're going Cuban.

[NATO Green]

Yeah. But some. Some Danish flags to be like, we just want some light socialism.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, yes. Just a tint.

[Dave Anthony]

All right, this one's just a blurb. The office celebrated the fourth at no goal. Enough said.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not a lot got said.

[Dave Anthony]

They're just saying that's where they did it. They celebrated America. They went to Nogle. Now I got to look up Nogol. No.

[NATO Green]

Is that a bar?

[Dave Anthony]

It's a census designated place. It's a unincorporated community in Lincoln county. Population was 96 as of 2010. So that's not a lot, the census.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The census is even like, I guess you're a city.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. I mean, I think these are just all places that popped up and they were big mining towns and then they went away because then all the stuff from the ground was gone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a better name for America.

[Dave Anthony]

The stuff in the ground was gone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stuff in the ground was gone.

[NATO Green]

I'm. I'm. I'm mapping the distance from White Oaks to Nogul.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of course.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a first for one of our guests. NATO. NATO's mapping.

[NATO Green]

Tough to do some Google Maps.

[Dave Anthony]

What do we got?

[NATO Green]

I'm quickly realizing that the Google Maps doesn't have the option of mapping the distance by. But if you're traveling by horse.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, right, right, right, right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So great for there to be this horse option. How long by horse?

[Dave Anthony]

They should have that.

[NATO Green]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How long?

[NATO Green]

My skateboard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How long? My horse. With. With tub. A tub.

[NATO Green]

It's an eight and a half hour walk.

[Dave Anthony]

But that's using the roads. Right. It doesn't give you the walk on, like, paths or anything. Like a path through.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great to be like, what's the horse path?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's.

[NATO Green]

What's the way as. As the crow flies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

So what do you think? You think a walk is like a horse would like. Cut that by a third.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would think at least two thirds.

[Dave Anthony]

Two thirds.

[NATO Green]

Two thirds.

[Dave Anthony]

Sure. Yeah. Yeah. The depression in silver, the failing banks, the financial crisis, the continued droughts, the scarcity of Anhe and and Hauser. Shade and benches are cogent reasons, but failed to explain satisfactorily why no watermelons were on tap at Noble's celebration.

[NATO Green]

Not sure they hadn't gone to Velasco for the ripe fruit.

[Dave Anthony]

No. Look, if I should have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Metal track for me, to be honest.

[Dave Anthony]

If I'm going to Noble, if I'm making the. The. I'm assuming two and a half hour trip, there better be melons.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree.

[Dave Anthony]

Why else am I going to no go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, God. It's just the disciple that. That distance for a melon.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, and then there's none.

[Gareth Reynolds]

None.

[Dave Anthony]

Brutal.

[NATO Green]

Three days for the 4th of July, no less.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[NATO Green]

How am I supposed to celebrate American independence without a melon?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, how good is this country, though? It's awesome, for sure.

[Dave Anthony]

July 4th. A beautiful morning, but the town seems deserted as most of our boys left for Nogle. And if it were not for Mr. Emilio, whose miniature man of war, which is blazing with versicolored flags and the discharge of a few firecrackers here and there, we should hardly know that this is the greatest day of the American nation. And they say that. I think that says Italians. And they say that Italians do not make good patriotic citizens. Exclamation point.

[NATO Green]

I. I do say that at least.

[Gareth Reynolds]

One thing held true. Italians don't know how to do American patriotism.

[NATO Green]

I mean, look at them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Honest.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay, well, you should have gone to no Go then instead of writing an article in the paper about how bummed you are. Just go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Monday afternoon while on a bender. Definitely. Wallace. Defi Wallace. That's a nickname.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like it.

[Dave Anthony]

Defie Wallace. Got it in an altercation with Colonel Fisk. DeFi came out of the muss with a knife cut.

[NATO Green]

Was it a defecation?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello? Jesus Christ. It's got. Remember me? I just put him in my wall toilet.

[Dave Anthony]

Jesse came out of the musk with a knife cut over his eye. And the colonel will have to appear before the next session of the district court. He gave bond for 250.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

All right. So it's a little fight.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. He cut a man named Duffy and he's got a fine.

[NATO Green]

Get cut. Or was he the cutter?

[Dave Anthony]

Definitely got cut over the Eye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The colonel cut him.

[NATO Green]

The colonel? Why did the colonel cut him?

[Dave Anthony]

Well, it doesn't say.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are we playing Clue?

[Dave Anthony]

But. But Defi was on a bender, so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Definitely was on a bender.

[Dave Anthony]

You know, Defi gets.

[NATO Green]

He's. He does some when he's on a bender.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey. He was on one so long. He defied logic. I'm sorry.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, this is interesting. Browning U brick are now carrying a stock of the finest quality of ice that nature has provided.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. I such a player.

[NATO Green]

Again with the ice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I get it. Sort of. But it's really such a short term solution.

[Dave Anthony]

I mean if you're hot all the time and then someone goes in with ice like. I get it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And your meat is gonna last, I don't know, another seven days. Stop it.

[Dave Anthony]

Comes from the clear pure waters of the bonito. Which is sufficient recommendation of its excellence. Okay, well, I mean.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It'S a Mussolini ice.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, this is. Okay. Black buck hunting in India. The black buck of India is a. This is going to get weird. I'm sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm very. I'm nervous. I've got that. What do we call it? Racism. Gut. You know, to take a term.

[Dave Anthony]

Racism Are coming.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's called the term turn.

[Dave Anthony]

Huh. Is a very graceful animal weighing between 30 and 50 pounds. The height of the male when full grown is of inky blackness on the back while the belly is as white as snow. The contrast is very striking. The horns are black and spinal in shape and the length average about 18 inches. Although they have been known to reach 26 inches. They're usually found in herds and are difficult to approach on foot. That's weird. Most animals would be like, hi, hello.

[NATO Green]

Come on.

[Dave Anthony]

Did you bring. Did you bring your gun thing? As the bucks toss their heads into the air from time to time in a very graceful manner. And some of them are almost sure to detect any attempt at stalking. They are at times hunted on horseback. But the usual meth. I love how they describe the beautiful animal and they're like. And here's how we kill it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's how to kill it.

[NATO Green]

You can't appreciate the beauty of something unless you murder it. Anyway, back to possessing my wife, you know.

[Dave Anthony]

But the usual method in many sections is to. Is to use a conveyance very much like the back of a horse, only shorter and made of wood.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so this is an advertisement to go to India to hunt. No, this is just an article about how great the hunting is in India about how hunting.

[Dave Anthony]

This one. This one animal is buck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

But it took a turn because now the horses are made of wood. So it's not normal anymore.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I have for a while.

[NATO Green]

When I was in college, I like got like a research grant and spent a week in the archives at UC Berkeley reading San Francisco newspapers from the 1870s. And like it's, you know, when before, like the 24 hour news cycle and even, you know, before, like when you correspondents would have to mail the thing back. And so there wasn't the expectation that like, here's today's news.

[Dave Anthony]

Right.

[NATO Green]

You know, the newspapers are just filled with like dispatches from my time among the yellow Chinese. You know, like someone goes somewhere and then they send a letter and then the whole thing gets printed in the paper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right. So some guy went black buck hunting.

[NATO Green]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Very early on I discovered that some papers were using the double E when they printed up stories and then they would just use it throughout the story. So it'd just be chinee. And you'd be like, you didn't really have to do that. Yeah, you really didn't have to do that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're trying to expand our racist terms.

[Dave Anthony]

Okay. So it's on wheels, is drawn by bullocks, and is called a jungle cart. But I don't know why you wouldn't just want to be on a horse. It seems like it'd be worse to be on a cart.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A jungle cart probably.

[NATO Green]

It is very nimble when you're navigating the jungle.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, it is. It's very close to the ground and from both sides project.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's the difference. You got a little. It's like a low. It's like a low stage. You're like laying on it. I don't know how it's getting pulled.

[NATO Green]

They're sledding.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're sledding.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, they're sledding. And from both sides project flat pieces of wood upon which the feet rest. The inside is hollow and holds ammunition and lunch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, the inside took a weird turn. Jesus Christ.

[NATO Green]

Whoops. I reached down to get my sandwich and accidentally ate bullets.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you're kind of. It feels like you're skateboarding on a kitchen. That's the worst.

[Dave Anthony]

A shooting. A shooting kitchen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A shoot. A fire kitchen.

[Dave Anthony]

It is believed that they take the queer little wooden arrangement on wheels for a plow and consequently are not much alarmed as it draws near them in ever decreasing circles. The bullocks move at the word of command and are accompanied by a shikaree, or native hunter. And the bucks never seem to fear the inhabitants, doubtless having learned they are without guns and are not to be dreaded. Oh. So the, like, local natives are friendly with these animals, and now they're bringing in white guys to shoot them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right. So the animals are like, you can trust him. I know. It's strange that he's on a kite board.

[Dave Anthony]

Eating a sandwich.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Eating a sandwich with a functioning kitchen behind him.

[NATO Green]

Just out here luging through the jungle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Just having a luge hunt with.

[NATO Green]

With. With a snack buffet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah.

[NATO Green]

Just some jungle Funyuns.

[Dave Anthony]

It may now fairly be assumed that Mayor Carter Harrison has entered the presidential field. He has begun to kiss the schoolgirls who visit the World's Fair.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, this guy will get elected. He's checking one box.

[Dave Anthony]

All tongue.

[NATO Green]

What's my campaign strategy? Step one, Statutory rape.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kissing young girls. Future voters.

[Dave Anthony]

This is rather ticklish campaigning. A man is liable to get himself filled with lead for mistaking some fellow's best girl for a school miss.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What the What. What does that even mean? That he might end up kissing a child who's actually a wife? Or like, that's the only slippery slope for molesting a child.

[Dave Anthony]

I feel like they also might be calling, like, teenage girls school girls and. And teenage girls at that point are very on. It's open. Yeah. Very on the menu.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a cool time. Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. John Barry on his chestnut stallion Poison, reached the entrance to the World's Fair at 9:30am Tuesday.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Love that. Rolling on a horse named Poison.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So Brett Michaels.

[NATO Green]

Deck Deca. Deca. Deca. Deck. Deca. Oh, we come from different musical traditions because I went to Belbiv. Devoe. Poison.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Poison.

[NATO Green]

Poison.

[Dave Anthony]

Winning. Winning the great cowboy race which commenced on the 13th from Chadron, Nebraska, the distance being 1040 miles. The last 150 miles were made in 24 hours, and both horse and rider were completely worn out. More horse, though.

[Gareth Reynolds]

More or less worse. Yeah.

[NATO Green]

Wait, can I. I just want to check in that. Am I correct that we were reading the newspaper from White Oaks, New Mexico?

[Dave Anthony]

That's right.

[NATO Green]

The only actual White Oaks news that we've. That has been in the White Oaks newspaper is Enoch trying to get his wife back. And what's his buckets getting stabbed.

[Dave Anthony]

I think that's it. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What about wall tubs? Was that not.

[Dave Anthony]

That's just an ad.

[NATO Green]

No, that was a cargo.

[Dave Anthony]

No, there was. There's been ice discussions, but that was in Virginia.

[NATO Green]

Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, one of them.

[Dave Anthony]

They've been one of them, but there's been a couple of where to get your ice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're not wrong to suggest that if you bought this for local information. You'd probably be a little hungry.

[Dave Anthony]

Emmett Albright came in second at 11:15am and he will contest Barry's claim to winning the race. He wants a photo finish. Yeah, like, what the fuck is that? One of the greatest feelings of pleasure that falls to the lot of man is experienced when after waking up with the impression that it is time to rise for the day and lying in bed for some minutes, fighting off drowsiness, he finally looks at his watch and finds he still has four good long hours during which he may sleep. This guy has.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is a paper.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's got insomnia, this guy. This is. Is that it?

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So this is just a passing thought of a guy. Like, how good is it when you don't have to get up?

[NATO Green]

How good is it when you wake up and you think that you have to get up and then you don't have to get up?

[Gareth Reynolds]

How good is that? It's like really good. Is there news? No, no. I just think that is so awesome.

[NATO Green]

You imagine that there's somebody in White Oaks reading the paper, being like, man, finally someone blew. Blew open this sleeping in story.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, he just leans forward from the paper. Honey, you're not going to believe this. He's right.

[NATO Green]

It is good to wake up and then fall back asleep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

To live at a time where you have a watch and yet are not. Like, there's not enough information to put in the paper. Wow.

[Dave Anthony]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sleeping more. Is this just in? Sleeping more. Awesome. Breaking news. Waking up and being able to go back to bed is a huge relief.

[NATO Green]

Well, let's throw to our panel to discuss sleeping more.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm sorry, we have to break in. Hey, how good is water when you're thirsty? Huh?

[Dave Anthony]

The Chinese rule, a beheaded banker for every broken bank may yet have to be adopted in America.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ah, what's this taking so long? They're still doing it. It.

[Dave Anthony]

We've been saying this now for.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And they're still like rocking a version of it.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, they are. They still do a version.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They still. They still like will execute huge banking criminals.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, if it's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

If a CEO of a company is a total criminal, well, you're gonna die.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ah, they just know what they're.

[Dave Anthony]

And yet it still doesn't stop them from being scumbags.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know, it's really shocking. It shows you the. There's. We have a problem. We have a big problem.

[Dave Anthony]

But yeah, the rich guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If like Obama killed two bankers, man, the difference I would have.

[NATO Green]

What about.

[Dave Anthony]

What about just prosecuting two bankers?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, sure. Or saying he should prosecute to.

[NATO Green]

I said this on another podcast, but one of my only conspiracy theories is that like in the, in the 2008 primary, the financial sector got behind Obama early, like in 2007. And I believe that in 2007 they knew that the crash of 2008 was coming. And we're like, we need a black president, otherwise bankers are going to get murdered when the crash comes.

[Dave Anthony]

Oh, that's fast. That's a really good conspiracy. That's a really good one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is it? Can you ask the other podcast to edit that out? So that's just ours. Boy, that's crazy, because he did. He got like more Wall street money than it was.

[NATO Green]

Like, why is the anti war guy getting Wall street money crashes? And then everyone's mad about the black president. I was like, oh, now there we go.

[Dave Anthony]

Now I see.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There we go.

[NATO Green]

We should be dragging, you know all. We should line up all of the Lehman Brothers against the wall.

[Dave Anthony]

You know what I mean?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, Just fold them into the wall like Murphy tubs.

[NATO Green]

We should be bathing in Lehman Brothers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just put one in a tub and squish them in the wall and the.

[Dave Anthony]

Blood just comes out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The new Murphy killer.

[Dave Anthony]

Superstitious people see more than a mere coincidence in the fact that on the same day and almost the same hour, the funeral of Edwin Booth, brother of Jay Wilkes, and the falling floors of the old theater in which Lincoln was assassinated occurred. Okay, so we did do. Was it a small up that we did about the, The.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I, I don't know.

[Dave Anthony]

We did do. We did cover. You know, it might have just been an article in a paper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Huh?

[Dave Anthony]

The theater in which. Yeah, I think, yeah, it was a paper. The theater in which he was executed was turned into like a government building was condemned and they just kept people working in it. And for years it had been condemned. And then they started working on the basement construction instead of the rest of it, and then that didn't work because it all collapsed. So that's what he's talking about. A bunch of people died. But it was right when Edwin Booth was having his funeral, which is interesting. It's an interesting little fact.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

The president. Oh, sorry. The present mako of Japan has abolished the custom of furnishing husbands to all women who have reached a certain age. Unmarried husbands.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a better way to do it. I have him on layaway.

[Dave Anthony]

It didn't work out for you. I'm sorry. I don't believe that you're gay. You now have a husband.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's Greg. Hello. I'm pretty bad, to be honest with you. I need a lot of work. I'm an alcoholic.

[Dave Anthony]

Well, now you're married.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey.

[Dave Anthony]

He must have made the acquaintance of an old maid from America and become became jealous because his country had none of these delightful old girls.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, I love being here with you old bags, by the way around. Every night I weep for 40 minutes. I have a lot of demons I'm fighting.

[Dave Anthony]

I really don't know what that's saying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It sounds like it's saying that expats become furnished wives for older women who are unmarried. Well, now that I'm saying it doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

[NATO Green]

Obviously saying I could have married an old woman in America, but I went to Japan where I could be furnished as a husband.

[Dave Anthony]

I think he's saying that our old maids are awesome. And so when he met some, he was like, well, they should be. They should be hooking up. Although old ladies should be hooking up with men.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right?

[Dave Anthony]

There's no reason to leave him out there to rot. I mean, why can't. Why can't a lady just go do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Her own thing, do whatever, do what she wants?

[Dave Anthony]

Can you not just be like, I don't want to get married. Can that be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, we understand. No man would have you, so we brought you one. Hello.

[Dave Anthony]

What's for dinner?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey.

[Dave Anthony]

I suck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ah.

[Dave Anthony]

I'm really awful.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm a real piece of.

[NATO Green]

Who is the person? I didn't. I don't understand how we got from Japan to this guy.

[Dave Anthony]

I. I don't know. It's just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know if we know. He's just sort of.

[Dave Anthony]

There's no. There's no rhyme or reason for what's going on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, we're at the end of a paper where a guy was just, you know, basically just celebrating some very stupid.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, all right, last one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Sure.

[Dave Anthony]

Langston and Owen cased their new well 6 miles north of town with some 8 inch pipe that several years ago.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got an 8 inch pipe for near.

[Dave Anthony]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. That several years ago had been used in roasting gold or in connection with an electrical gold extraction process, but which incidentally failed to extract the gold.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a problem.

[Dave Anthony]

So it seems that the pipes had never been cleaned and had considerable pay dirt encrusted on the inside. So I think. What. I think we're supposed to realize that the. The two guys abandoned the mine a long time ago, I think. And so there's just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And they Never cleaned the pipes which have gold in them.

[Dave Anthony]

Yeah, big. Which became loosened and fell among the well drillings when the pipes were put down. Okay. Last Monday, George Marquis, a prospector, happened along and liking the looks of the dirt about the drill hole, panned a little of showed up rich colors. And the news of the wonderfully rich placers in a section here too. Oh, sorry. Here for heretofore never given a thought spread like wildfire. So now people going fucking crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Dave Anthony]

There was much excitement for a little while among the natives, but unfortunately the source of the gold was learned in time to prevent the loss of lots of labor, time and grub in the vain search for more placer gold.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So shitty, shitty mine.

[Dave Anthony]

A guy came across some old pipes and there's no. They were thinking it might be new gold. It's not, Gareth, it's not. It's all gold.

[NATO Green]

You can't get new gold out of old gold.

[Dave Anthony]

No, not the way I do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, what an exciting ending to a strange ride. Well, NATO, thank you for helping us find some gold in old pipes that we call the pastimes.

[NATO Green]

Oh, you're right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And people can find you at Mr. NATO Green.

[NATO Green]

That's right. Mr. NATO Green on Instagram, NATO Green on Blue Sky. NATO Green.net is allegedly the website.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Dave Anthony]

Allegedly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're not sure yet. Well, thank you for joining us, NATO, and we look forward to the release of your dollop. And we won't reveal who that's about, even though there's a nice little tease.

[NATO Green]

I think I already does.

[Dave Anthony]

Good to see you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. Thank you. Thank you, buddy. All right, doll heads. Hope you're loving the dollop. I know I am. I don't know what episode this is. Anyway, listen, it's me, Gareth. I am on the road doing stand up comedy, which I know you all love. If you would like to see me, go to garethreynolds.com I'm going to be everywhere. Let's party. On July 24th, I will be at the Improv in Irvine, California. On August 5th, I'll be in Nashville at Zany's Lexington, Kentucky, and Comedy Off Broadway on August 6th. August 7th, I'll be in Huntsville, Alabama. Then I got a couple nights over at the Comedy Catch in Chattanooga, Tennessee, August 8th through August 9th. I'll be in Atlanta, Georgia, August 10th. Then I'll be at the Comedy Fort in Fort Collins. Last year, we broke the alcohol sales record. Let's do it again. That is August 22nd through the 23rd. And then I will be in Bozeman, Montana, September 5th through September 6th. That's Bozeman, Montana. Last best comedy. Then excited for a weekend at the Comedy Club of Kansas City, September 26th through the 27th. I'll be in Columbia, Missouri. September 28th. I'll be in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, September 30th. Come on, Milwaukee. You're my home place. I'll be at the skyline comedy club October 1st in Appleton, Wisconsin. Fort Wayne, Indiana. I'm gonna be there two shows on October 3rd. And then I will be at the den in Chicago, Illinois, on October 4th. And finally, Sunnyvale, California, November 6th through the 8th at Rooster T. Feathers. Garethreynolds.com for tickets and information. Let's go. You're part of the Garaforce. Whoops. I almost messed that up.