138 - The Past Times with Andy Beckerman

Summary

The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds

Episode 138 – The Past Times with Andy Beckerman
Date: August 16, 2025
Main Theme:
Comedians Dave and Gareth, joined by guest Andy Beckerman, explore the quirky minutiae and social oddities of a small-town Oklahoma newspaper from April 3, 1908. With their signature irreverence, they riff on everything from bootlegging scandals to sausage-based marriage contests, spinning genuine historical weirdness into gut-busting modern commentary.

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Episode Overview

The trio revisits a newspaper from Alex, Oklahoma, in 1908 to uncover the strangeness of everyday news a century ago—peppered with tangents about contemporary life, darkly comedic takes on societal change, and blistering improvisational humor.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Opening Banter & Emotional Check-In

• Andy humorously describes his pandemic-era neuroses, e.g. obsessing over a possible splinter and digging at his finger.
  • “If that lets you know emotionally where I am…” – Andy (01:13)
• They joke about podcast distribution through flash drives and the CIA attempting to kill Andy with a poison cigar.
  • “Hey, the CIA tried to kill me with a poison cigar too. So you know what? Me and Cuba, we’re in the same bucket.” – Andy (02:20)
• Discussion about Andy's background, his podcasts (Couples Therapy, Beginnings), and growing up in Reading, Pennsylvania.

2. Guessing the Year

• Andy guesses 1980, Gareth guesses 1875, but the paper is from 1908.
  • “Well then you’re wrong because it’s 1908. Andy wins and he wins fair and square.” – Dave (06:06)

3. Exploring the Newspaper: Alex Tribune, April 3, 1908

a. Bootlegging, Suspicion, and Prop Comedy

• Story about “Please Lindsay,” who brings a mysterious trunk to a hotel; the trunk is stolen, leading to accusations and his arrest for bootlegging.
  • The group riffs that he might be a prop comic, and speculate wildly about the trunk’s contents.
    • “He went out to make arrangements about the lease…his trunk had mysteriously disappeared.” – (12:44)
  • “Cats. What was in the pockets?” – Gareth, leading into improv about live or dead cats (14:13)
• Andy suggests Lindsay may have been framed, and they riff on how easily reputations could be destroyed in small town papers.

b. Eight-Man Football and Small-Town Life

• The high school only fields eight-man football, with Gareth introducing the concept of all-time quarterback to confusion.
  • “One guy’s the QB the whole time.” – Gareth (07:31)

c. Food Prices & Cost of Living

• Eggs cost 9 cents per egg, corn is 45–49 cents (quantity unclear).
  • “What, is Trump in the White House?” – Andy, shocked by the prices (19:47)

d. Local Color: Minor Events & Characters

• J.G. McAllister, suffering from rheumatism, carries the mail for the first time in weeks—a mundane story met with sarcastic applause.
• The town’s Embroidery Club merits a full article simply for meeting, which the hosts mock as evidence of boredom or news scarcity.
  • “There is nothing going on.” – Andy (30:40)

e. “Musicale” and Small-Town Entertainment

• A concert (musicale) by students is described as a major social highlight, prompting disdain from the hosts for such lackluster entertainment.
  • “I would much rather go see a wagon event.” – Dave (29:45)

f. Cave Company Speculation

• Brief segment on the mysterious incorporation of the Mystic Cave Company, with Andy jokingly lamenting investing $80,000 in now-defunct stocks.
  • “Still investing. It’ll come back. That’s what everyone tells me about the stock market.” – Andy (38:04)

g. Bizarre Local News

• A lawsuit over a child’s curls being cut and bathed in a children’s home.
  • “Every curl was worth a thousand dollars to me…bathed him, too, against my wishes.” – Quoting the newspaper (40:34)
• The group parodies the neglectful mother and fantasizes about a child composed of bugs, employing increasingly absurd and gross-out humor.

4. Absurd Social Commentary

• Quote from the paper: “Many wrinkles are smoothed away by the soft fingers of little children,” prompt the group’s most sustained, uncomfortable riffing, likening it to child labor scandals and Epstein references.
  • “Come on down to Creepy Spa.” – Dave (45:48)
  • “This is the worst thing we’ve ever read on this.” – Dave (47:04)
• The group reflects satirically on the moralizing tone of old newspapers, comparing it to today’s news;

5. Monster Catfish and Rural Boasting

• James Henderson catches a 64-pound catfish, supposedly feeding numerous families, and the newspaper editorializes about bigger fish yet uncaught.
  • “There are fish in there that are hundreds of years old that deserve to be dead.” – Gareth (52:37)
• Riffing leads to the idea of a restaurant serving “monster meat.”
  • “We serve monster. There’s a monster on the menu tonight.” – Dave (52:57)

6. Sausage Eating Contest for Marriage

• Story of two German rivals eating 47 frankfurters each for Mary’s affections; the one who failed (from illness) became the best man at the winner’s wedding.
  • “This is how America pictured Germans.” – Dave (55:32)
  • “Whoever can eat some of sausages…that’s how we always do it.” – Dave (56:36)

7. Women’s Secrets and Domestic Advice

• Article claims every woman has a secret—about bread or jelly making, coffee, or applying powder—that she keeps from neighbors.
  • “How do you guys test your jelly?” – Andy, launching a riff (59:32)
• The hosts mock the reduction of women to “shitty Barbie dolls” defined by kitchen skills.

8. Reflections on Moralizing and Media Evolution

• Andy asks when newspapers stopped moralizing. Dave and Gareth suggest the shift happened in the 1970s, as newspapers professionalized.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Andy (01:13):
  “If that lets you know emotionally where I am. No splinter. There’s no evidence of a splinter. I just assumed that there had to have been a splinter.”

• Dave (06:06):
  “Well then you’re wrong because it’s 1908. Andy wins and he wins fair and square.”

• Andy (02:20):
  “The CIA has tried to kill me with a poison cigar too. So you know what? Me and Cuba, we’re in the same bucket.”

• Gareth (19:47):
  “What, is Trump in the White House?” (on 9-cent eggs in 1908)

• Dave (29:45):
  “Please, sir, I would much rather go see a wagon event, sit in someone’s living room, be like, oh, cool. Mother, daughter.”

• Andy (38:04):
  “Still investing. It’ll come back. That’s what everyone tells me about the stock market.”

• Dave (47:06):
  “This is the worst thing we’ve ever read on this.” (after the child labor/flute voices passage)

• Dave (52:57):
  “We serve monster. There’s a monster on the menu tonight. We just killed a fresh monster…”

• Gareth (56:36):
  “Whoever can eat some of sausages…that’s how we always do it.” (on sausage-based marriage contests)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:00–03:30 – Introductions, Andy’s State of Mind, Podcast Plugs
• 06:06 – Year Revealed: 1908
• 09:00–17:00 – "Please Lindsay" Bootlegger Story & Prop Comic Riff
• 19:03 – Food Prices (Eggs & Corn)
• 22:00 – J.G. McAllister’s Rheumatism and Local Color
• 27:11 – “Musicale” Described
• 29:45 – Embroidery Club & Social Boredom
• 36:02–39:00 – Mystic Cave Company, Stock Market Satire
• 40:34 – Lawsuit Over Child’s Curls
• 45:25–47:06 – Disturbing Passage on “Little Children” and Satirical Reaction
• 51:09 – James Henderson’s 64-pound Catfish
• 54:19–57:01 – Sausage Eating Contest for Marriage
• 59:13 – Women’s Secret Article and Kitchen Skill Riffs
• 61:03–62:42 – End of Moralizing Newspaper Tone Discussion / Wrap-up

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Tone & Style

• Irreverent, fast-paced, heavily improvisational and satirical.
• Heavy use of callbacks and in-jokes (FBI/CIA, podcasting life, “cats” and “skinks,” the “monster meat” riff, and Andy’s “investment” in defunct companies).
• The hosts maintain the podcast's core identity: explaining bizarre history with affection and relentless mockery, both of the past and the present.

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For new listeners:
This episode is a quintessential Past Times/Dollop journey—exploring forgotten stories and everyday peculiarities of early-1900s America, skewering the pettiness and paranoia of small towns, and riffing endlessly in anarchic, often dark, but always hilarious ways. The mix of historical confusion, improv, and pop culture references delivers both laughs and odd insight into how much (and how little) daily concerns have changed over the century.

Transcript

[A]

Foreign, everybody. Welcome to the Pastimes Podcast. Each week, we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before. And neither is our guest this week, the great Andy Beckman. Hi, Andy. Thank you for joining us. Hello. Hello.

[B]

Coming to you live from the Hieronymous Bosch painting that is America.

[A]

There you go. There you go. Good work. You got a cat. Cat on your lap. Happy cat on your lap.

[B]

Yeah, he's clinging to me lately, which makes me scared.

[A]

We all are. You're a beacon of light for us in this dark time. How are you handling everything, Andy? The American collapse, etc.

[B]

Okay, here. I'll. Very quick. I'll tell you exactly. I think this very short story will tell you my emotional state. The other night, I saw just a very. A small, like, pin prick. You can kind of see it on my finger. Right. Just a very little, like, wound. Very tiny. Less than a millimeter. Okay. And I got into my head that there must be a splinter there that I'm not seeing. So I took some tweezers and started digging in my finger.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

If that lets you know emotionally where I am. No splinter. There's no splinter. There's no evidence of a splinter. I didn't see a thing there. I just assumed that there had to have been a splinter.

[A]

What. What's your. What's your wife's reaction to something like that? Well, her.

[B]

I mean, she's in the same bucket as I am, just different. Different section of the bucket.

[A]

Yeah. She's finding fake splinters in other places. Yeah. Well, you have a. You have a. You have a couple great podcasts. One that Dave and I have been on a couple of times. Couples therapy. You do it with your wife, Naomi. Boy, you're really flaunting this cat, loving you. This. It's really ridiculous. And then you have another show called Beginnings that you do. Yes. And people can get those wherever people get podcasts, unless there's some.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Special. Do you remember what podcasts were a novelty, Andy, when it was.

[B]

Yeah. Or if you know where I live, come to my house, knock on the.

[A]

Door, Andy, I would not do that.

[B]

I'll give you, like, a flash drive with some episodes on if you want.

[A]

I just. That feels like that's how they do it in Cuba. I don't think that's not. I mean, it's fine. All right, well, we'll. We'll put your address on the. The info up when we post this.

[B]

Hey, The CIA has tried to kill me with a poison cigar, too. So you know what? Me and Cuba were in the same bucket.

[A]

Naomi.

[C]

Cub.

[B]

Same bucket.

[C]

All right, I know they tried to kill you with a very small sliver recently.

[A]

Yeah, we all heard about the disappearing splinter.

[B]

Yeah, Ken Klippenstein reported it.

[C]

I like that you're using a huge microphone that sometimes you lower and so your shirt just says Jews instead of silver Jews.

[A]

Yeah. It is nice that the mic is so big that sometimes. Super.

[B]

You can see what everyone in high school called me if I just move the mic.

[A]

Like. Where'd you go to high school?

[B]

I went to Exeter Township Senior High School.

[A]

Oh, where's that?

[C]

In what state?

[B]

Reading, Pennsylvania.

[A]

Oh, so you're a reading Jew? Yeah.

[B]

Yes. I had to. I had to. I didn't know anything about, like, the whole private school world, and when people asked me where I went to school, I just said Exeter, because that's what we called it. We didn't say Exeter Township. You know, you just said whatever, you know, the. The shortened form was. And so there's a very fancy private school called Exeter.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And so I would say that, and people would get impressed and they would be like, oh, he's one of us. We can.

[C]

We can, you know, Right.

[B]

Tell. We can say all the horrible white supremacist shit around this guy because he's been to. Yeah, yeah, the school. And then very quickly I learned that that's like Andover, like all the, you know, like the prep schools that shovel you into Harvard, that shovel you into, you know, hanging out with Paul Wolfowitz.

[C]

Who, by the way, great guy.

[A]

Great, lucky, great guy. Just still. Is he still. He's still with us cooking.

[B]

I hope so.

[A]

I hope so.

[C]

Yeah, he's.

[A]

Because we're starting to lose some of those great guys. We lost Rummy a few years ago.

[C]

If he had just. If he had just gotten that flat tax through in post war Iraq, I think that whole situation would have turned around.

[A]

Yeah, I think we're.

[B]

Yeah, it would have brought back at least half a million Iraqis to life.

[A]

Absolutely. No, I think we're all. I mean, look, we're big pro Iraq guys. We all are. So I think that. Just remember that when you're listening to this, that's how this kind of skews. We're. We're big into Iraq. We're big. We're big Iraq guys. Andy, you as our guest, you're going to get to guess what year this newspaper is going to be from. Dave will make it so you win either way.

[C]

Crying has already begun.

[A]

The mistake's gonna make it. So you win either way.

[C]

You're a sore loser.

[A]

You're the trump of the past times first five minutes.

[C]

And by that you mean a winner.

[A]

All right, so Andy, you could guess. Could be 1700s, could be 1800s, could be 19, could be 2000s. Who knows?

[B]

Wait, I've always wondered this. Is there a year? It can't be like, is there a year where there were no newspapers in America?

[C]

Like the 1650s is when I think the first ones start popping up.

[A]

But I wouldn't handwritten 1950.

[B]

I'm gonna say I'm just gonna year my favorite disease. So 1980.

[C]

What'S your favorite disease?

[A]

Like stuff. Flu.

[B]

Gotta love that flu, baby.

[A]

Like stuff baby. That flu. I like 1918. Really showboating this cat. For those who are.

[C]

Scatters, he's really getting involved.

[A]

He's really pulling focus. That's our fourth I will guess. I like your guess. I like your guess a lot, to be quite honest with you. I'm just going to lower it. I'm going to go 1875, just so we have fun. But I think you're right. I think it's going to be near there.

[C]

Well then you're wrong because it's 1908. You like, Andy wins and he wins fair and square.

[A]

I knew he would and I knew it.

[C]

And Gareth, what do we do on this podcast when we lose show hole? What do you have to say?

[A]

I lost.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Dave just started doing this last episode, Andy, he's like, now I'm gonna like show him. And then if the guest, it's just, hell yeah, stop.

[B]

You're very passport.

[A]

Just stop it.

[B]

Did you say show hole?

[A]

No. All right, let's start.

[C]

The Alex Tribune of Alex, Oklahoma. And of course, April 3, 1908, of course I had to go look up where Alex is and it's, it's a, right now it's a town of like 450. And then of course I had to look at their high school because if you look on pictures of Alex, all that comes up is their high school football team. And if there's, if there's 400 and some odd people there, then how good can the football team be? And so I looked it up and they play an eight man. They play in an eight man team league.

[A]

I like that.

[B]

Wait, does that mean they're both offense and defense?

[A]

They must be an ironman or maybe. So there's an all time QB like we used to do when we Were a kid.

[C]

All time qb.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

What does that mean?

[A]

You just rotate around. One guy's the QB the whole time.

[C]

Yeah, but that's what happens on regular football.

[A]

You're not listening.

[C]

No guy switches sides.

[A]

Yes, Dave.

[B]

Whoever has the best arm.

[C]

That's stupid.

[A]

Andy and I are laughing at you, buddy. And we love you, but we're having a laugh at your direction on this one.

[C]

Did they let. Did they let. And did they call you the Jew? Like, were you the only. How many Jewish guys were in your school?

[A]

You're talking. Me?

[B]

Yes, Gareth, I know.

[A]

They never called me the Jew. Well, I had to get going for the listener.

[B]

You have a giant star, David. You're on a chain like Flavor Flav.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that was affiliated with a religion. I just thought. Just to me it made me feel like I was a lister. I've seen people in Hollywood wear these. I think. I don't know. Frank Gelman wears one.

[C]

I went to a. I went to a Catholic school and a Jewish guy was there.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

You can imagine when they called him, I could never understand it, but there he was. And he. He took a lot of heat. Yeah. So this is the headline. Some spiritual excitement.

[A]

Yeah. Someone's going to die.

[B]

Last Friday.

[C]

Last Friday. Friday. Ple. What is his name? P, L, E, A, S. Please, please.

[A]

P, U, L, E, E, Z. Yeah.

[C]

Why wouldn't you put the e. Why wouldn't you put the E on the end?

[A]

I mean, plus, nobody asked nicely.

[C]

Last Friday, Please. Lindsay of Texas and Oklahoma visited Alice.

[B]

Lindsay.

[A]

Lindsay, please, please, please. No, I'm having a bad time. Lindsay's melting down.

[C]

Please.

[B]

Jesus Christ. Lindsay.

[A]

Lindsay, it's just a bowling party. Stop.

[C]

Please visit Alex. Please. Visited Alex telling the landlord of the hotel that he was expecting to lease some land in this vicinity. His trunk was carried with consider. Oh, this is a dude. His trunk was considered. His trunk was carried with considerable legacy secrecy up the back stairs and deposited in his room under lock and key.

[B]

There is a body in there.

[C]

There's a body.

[A]

Just like how a bag goes to a room. But they're all like.

[C]

They were very, very, very.

[A]

And he wanted it.

[C]

He did not announce what was in his trunk.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Did I say more?

[A]

Well, you know what it is. Prop comic. We know what's in there.

[B]

Opening for favorite Topics. Please, Lindsay.

[A]

Hello. Oh, my God. Lindsay.

[C]

I call this a workhorse. It's a horse with a workman's outfit.

[B]

It's a horse skeleton with a construction hat on.

[A]

So mine aren't Combinations of anything. They're just pretty straight, straightforward. I just show items I've acquired. I call this one the candelabra.

[C]

This is a robe.

[A]

Look at that. I bet this is the sort of thing you put on. You're like, hey, I just took a shower. Yeah. Okay, so wear this around my room for a little while. It's a robe.

[B]

So chilly.

[A]

It's chilly. I'll put on my robe. I'll put on my. While you're putting on your robe, why not light one of these candles? Look at this. Oh, my God. Carrot Top does a lot of different Carrot topple. You'll like his stuff. He's combining stuff a lot more.

[B]

Honestly, this sounds like the prop comic for America 2025.

[A]

Absolutely.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Question. The best to get booked as a prop comic or just break. Hey, what do you call this? Yarn.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Yarn.

[A]

Yeah. What is this? Yarn.

[B]

Yarn.

[A]

Huh? Look at that. I got four different colors of this. What am I doing with. Look at that, huh?

[C]

I mean, men don't use yarn. Am I right?

[A]

How about this? Oh, better. Look out. The dust. Somebody called the Dustbuster. Oh, boy.

[B]

Branson, Missouri was run by Nazis. That is this kind of comedy in America now.

[A]

That's the. That's the opener. All right, give him the light. He's doing that Branson, Missouri stuff. I don't love.

[C]

Okay. So then Lindsay went out, his pockets bulging. There's a lot of presumptive shit going on here.

[B]

Who's the reporter? Does it say? Was there a byline?

[C]

No. Nobody says who wrote, nobody would put.

[A]

Their name on this bulging pockets.

[C]

He went out to make arrangements about the lease. No doubt in the course of the evening, he came back to the hotel. But when he got there, the cupboards. The cupboard was bare. The trunk had mysteriously disappeared. All right, so someone stole a. Yeah.

[A]

By the way, you had to sign a lease every time you got to a hotel room.

[B]

Yeah, 12. 12 month lease, if you wanted to.

[A]

And just the security deposit. A 12 month lease. I just need it for like three nights. We don't do those leases here.

[B]

You're gonna have to break the lease if you want to leave.

[A]

I mean, that's fine. You can break the lease, but there's a. You're gonna incur a fee. There's some chipped paint up here you might want to take care of before you move out. Just got here yesterday.

[C]

Lindsay, being somewhat intoxicated, raised a rough house with the landlord, who had never even seen the trunk. But he locked it in the hotel room. He's supposed to be upset. Yes, but how is also a landlord?

[A]

It's just this whole system.

[B]

Quick question. Did the bulging pockets ever feature back into this or was that just local color?

[A]

I hope they do.

[C]

I mean, when you see a man coming out of a hotel with thick pockets, you know something's up.

[A]

It sounds like this is what happened. Someone got. This guy got robbed. And then it sounds like this is a pro. Landlord skew. Landlord skew. So they're just put making regular things seem mysterious to make it seem they're just trying to throw you off the scent.

[C]

Or they're buddies with the. The owner of the hotel, so they're just trying to back them up. Because there's like 10 people in the town.

[A]

Then you'll never get. He came downstairs with a jacket on. You know what that means?

[B]

Quick, what do you think was in the pockets?

[C]

Cats.

[A]

What did you say?

[C]

Cats.

[B]

Living or dead?

[A]

That's interesting.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Oh, schroding.

[C]

There's one pocket. There's one pockets for live cats. More pockets for dead cats.

[A]

I like to think toilet paper. I like to think this guy liked the room paper a little better. And if he thought if he went to the lobby and had to go drop. Yeah. That he would have that, you know, that's fair.

[B]

I don't know why I was imagining salamanders. Like he's a little kid who was like going out in the forest back.

[A]

When kids would just. You just. You're of the age where it's like, don't let him show you he's got worms.

[C]

The kids still go out and catch salamanders. Is that still a thing? No, it's not, right? We used to always catch salamanders.

[B]

Yeah, we got skinks. You ever have those?

[A]

Skinks?

[B]

Skinks, skinks. Little tiny lizard guys.

[A]

No, I never had a skink. You had those.

[C]

Were they reading?

[B]

Yeah. Reading skinks? Yeah. Never heard of the Redding skinks?

[A]

No, I never heard skinks.

[B]

Minor league team.

[A]

No. All right. Skinks, fangs. Let them hear it.

[C]

Okay. So this proved to be Lindsay's undoing. For the trouble soon reached the ears of authorities who put him under arrest for bootlegging. What in the fuck just happened?

[A]

Well, okay, now it's now. Okay, so he's a bootlegger.

[C]

Okay, so that's what was in his pockets. It was booze.

[A]

Now I do think he had skinks in his pocket.

[C]

Yeah. Enter Detective. Searching. Searching for the lost trunk. About one o' clock the trunk was found with a few pints of bad whiskey in It. The hotel office was temporarily converted into a calaboose. It's the second time we've heard that phrase. And I feel like we have never heard it. But today we've heard it twice. Never heard it before. And after being guarded there and all night, Lindsay was taken to Chickasha where he confessed to whiskey peddling. He is wanted in Chickasha on three other charges in Lindsay for several offenses and by the federal authorities for breaking US Laws. We can safely predict that he will get his.

[A]

Jesus, chill out.

[B]

I feel like there should be a noose emoji at the end of that.

[A]

Yeah, we'll show him. There's something great about robbing someone doing something illegal. So. Like stealing a guy's bootleg boot. Because then he's like, what are you freaking out about? He's like, someone took that. Nothing's fine. Just. Yeah.

[B]

Or. Or maybe there was legitimate stuff in there.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And he's being framed. Why. Why immediately jump to think that Please. Is a criminal.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Devilish idea.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

That's quite a. That's quite a. That.

[B]

That's.

[A]

That's quite a theory. I like it. So you rob the trunk and then you just put three bottles of bootlegged whiskey in it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then. Whatever you say. And the police are like, shut up, asshole. We don't believe you bootleggers.

[B]

So what took up with all my salamanders though?

[A]

Yeah, we know it was in there.

[C]

You take out all the candelabras and robes and you replace it with whiskey.

[A]

How am I gonna do my show tonight? What am I gonna do with my show? It's just a regular packed suitcase. It's your regular packed suitcase. Hey, look at another shirt.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

How many did I pack? This is crazy. This is some crazy stuff, guys.

[B]

You ever see a belt?

[A]

Look at that. Oh, which loop am I on? I don't even remember. And I got two of these frickin things. Oh boy. Are you guys understanding my hook? It feels like there's a lot of blank stairs out there right now.

[B]

And just imagine a belt in each arm waving like it's one of those things. Outside of a car dealership.

[C]

Several morals are attached to this tale of a trunk, among which is this one. If you must pedal booze, do not patronize yourself unless you are willing for your friends to spirit away your spirits.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Get drunk with a bunch of guys. And he told him he's got booze in his room.

[B]

Oh my God. The new. The writer of this line item. I hesitate to even Call it an article. You know that they had that line at the end.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then they just. They're like, I gotta write this. This line is too good to waste.

[A]

I know where I'm headed. I got my ending. He's got note cards on his wall. I know the ending. I know the ending. Which is good.

[B]

Like he's plotting a TV show.

[A]

Yeah. All right, so then line two.

[C]

Oh, do you want to know the price of eggs?

[A]

Guess. Let's guess. What, for a dozen or an egg. How did they sell?

[C]

I don't know. It says. It just says eggs. It doesn't say what?

[A]

You've got a price of eggs. That's what you have.

[C]

It just says eggs. And then there's a price.

[A]

I'm gonna.

[B]

Based on the price. What do you think? Is it per egg or per.

[A]

Yes. Amount.

[C]

Per egg. I think it's per egg.

[A]

Per egg.

[B]

I'm going to say 2 cents.

[A]

I'm going to say 4 cents.

[C]

It's 9 cents.

[B]

What? What is Trump in the White house?

[C]

Corn is 40. Corn is 45 to 49 cents.

[A]

What?

[C]

Maybe they sell corn by the dozen.

[A]

I'll take 12 kernels. I'll do 12 cobs. There we go.

[C]

JG McAllister, who has been troubled with rheumatism lately, carried the mail today.

[A]

They only did initials for, like, a full century.

[C]

There was a. Yeah, there was a while where they just did initials.

[A]

Like, that's it. They'd give your address out, but they'd be like, nobody could know the first two names.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

QW Winzel.

[A]

Yeah. Who lives on Maine.

[C]

He carried them out today.

[A]

Dave's dog right now is literally like, please, please.

[B]

Dave's dog did, like, a thing in a movie where they were like. You know, people are, like, slipping on banana peels. And they cut to the dog and.

[A]

The dog goes, yeah, that tug right now is. Look at that.

[B]

People slipping up banana peels. This is obviously a Buster Keaton film in my mind.

[A]

Well, we did an episode on that of. We did a dollop on the banana. It is absolutely fucking crazy. Like, it's. So.

[C]

It was a. It was a legitimate massive crime.

[A]

Insurance. Yeah. Like, insurance fraud galore for people just putting out banana peels and just being like, don't got zooks.

[B]

Was it like some con artist that was doing it?

[C]

It was a bunch of Conor.

[A]

It was like a thing movement where like. Like, it was just like. You know how, like, if you buy, like, a couple Sudafeds, now, they're like, we need to see ID Back then, if you're getting three bananas, they're like, we're not idiots. We know where this is headed.

[C]

Okay? G. J.G. mcAllister, who has been troubled with rheumatism lately, carried the mail today for the first time in three weeks.

[A]

Oh, that's. What a lovely story about making the infirmed work.

[B]

Did it say he got his Medicare benefits then?

[A]

No, no, no. But that's why he had to keep carrying. There you go. Now walk it off. Walk your rheumatism off. You're ready to go.

[B]

Did Hemingway write that? That's just, like, one sentence.

[A]

Guest editor Ernest Hemingway.

[C]

Can you guess which dog that is?

[A]

That is Maple.

[C]

Nope.

[A]

Pablo?

[C]

Nope.

[A]

My boy.

[C]

That's your boy?

[A]

That's Larry.

[C]

That's Larry. He got a cut. He got a summer cut.

[A]

Wow. He looks way different.

[B]

It's a beautiful.

[C]

He does.

[A]

You ruined your dog.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Yeah. It's over. He's depressed. He's not. I mean, it's. It's like one. He's still in bed. He's like, I can't do this shit.

[C]

J E Mc McMinn recently purchased a fine violin and has been making the evenings melodious. Mac is a good musician, which back.

[A]

Then was probably enjoyable, but my brain just thinks of today where I take your fiddle and shove it up your ass.

[C]

You get that thing the fuck out of here.

[B]

What if it's just turkey in the straw over and over again?

[A]

Do you know anything else? Hello. Do you care to. Nuh.

[C]

J. Henry's. These guys.

[B]

Initials.

[A]

Stop.

[C]

They all start with J.

[A]

It's ridiculously stupid.

[C]

J. Henry's Wagon show is to be here this evening, according to the posters.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

It's a wagon show.

[A]

It's got to be absolutely horrible.

[C]

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the Red Wagon.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Pulls out on stage, there's a spotlight on the wagon, and everyone just clapping for, like, 10 minutes, and then they pull it off.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

The blue wagon.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And now some prop comedy from Lindsay. Well, that's gonna be a hard act to follow, by the way. Hey, you ever seen a cane?

[B]

What are these things?

[A]

That's crazy. Ever seen someone walking with it? They're like, it's. It helps me walk.

[B]

This one's curved, this one's straight.

[A]

Pick a shape. I'm sorry. I didn't know we could do it both ways. That's pretty crazy to me.

[C]

Anytime someone talks about a prop comic, most people think a Carrot Top. But for most people, that's just a. A memory or a vision of a Guy who pulls things out and talks about things.

[A]

For me, saying this on the streets of Vegas with nobody around.

[C]

For me, just the wind.

[B]

Just the wind carrying, like little flyers behind him.

[C]

The story happened in Vegas. It's Carrot Top trying to get me to go to a brothel so he can watch me have sex with escort. He tried for a good half hour. And I was like, that's not. That's absolutely not happening.

[A]

Is this not a prop or comedy?

[B]

Pre ripped Carrot Top.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Okay, so he couldn't just like pick you up and go, we're going to a brothel?

[A]

Him suck this man's dick. Mr. Mr. Top, please shut up. Boy.

[B]

He's really not Carrot Bottom.

[A]

Yeah. Bang. My friend, do what Caretop says. Oh, my God, that's amazing.

[C]

Je Henry's Wagon show is to be here this evening. According to posters displayed in and about town, the circus, if such it is, fails to recognize this so called circus.

[A]

That the wagon guy's like, don't. Don't call it a circus. It's not a circus. No.

[C]

It's a wagon ship.

[A]

I have five bunnies.

[B]

Where's the ringmaster? Wagon Man.

[A]

No, no. It's not what it is.

[C]

The circus, if such it is, fails to recognize the value of at newspaper advertising, which leads us to doubt whether.

[B]

It is much of a show.

[A]

Salty ass publication wanted some money.

[B]

Couldn't take out a 2 cent ad.

[A]

Yeah. Idiot.

[C]

Hey, you come to Alex, you pay for a fucking ad.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You understand, by the way, your circus isn't a circus.

[A]

Writing an article about a wagon show that hasn't paid for advertising is really the dumbest gripe of all time. Like, nobody's gonna know about his Wagon show because he didn't put his name in the paper. Alex, who comes here Thursday night with his Wagon Show.

[B]

They should rename the Streisand Effect the Wagon Show Effect.

[A]

The Wagon Show Effect. Because now everybody wants to. Now everybody knows about the Wagon Show. People like, I don't understand. It's like, well, there was one time a wagon show where.

[B]

You guys could do a dollop episode on.

[A]

On.

[B]

Why it's called the Wagon Show.

[A]

The errors of the effects.

[C]

That's right.

[A]

It's called the dinosaur effect.

[C]

Musical. Is musical a word? Musical is a word.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Musical. By pupils of Ms. Lockhart. Last Friday evening occurred one of the most pleasant events which Alec's people have enjoyed for some time. This was the occasion of the musicale given by the pupils of Miss Gordon Lockhart at the Adair home. The people showed remarkable proficiency and Delightfully entertained the audience of invited guests which had gathered. So this is a time period where you had to go to shit like this because it was all that was happening. And it's horrendous.

[A]

This is someone's house.

[B]

Yeah. What's happening?

[C]

The kids sang, they did a musical. It's like a school musical. Like that kind of thing. The thing you wouldn't go to unless you were a parent. You're like, this should be shorter, shouldn't it?

[B]

Like the thing. Like if. If your parents are having a dinner party or something and you go down and like, sing a song. This. I never did this. Just so we're clear. Yeah, absolutely.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But, yeah, right. I hear all these stories of, like, actors. They're like, yeah, I used to, when my parents had a. Had a dinner party, I go down and sing something from South Pacific and everyone clapped. And that's now why I'm an actor.

[A]

It doesn't take much to make me hate actors all over again, but that pretty much does it. And it's so reminiscent of what I did. And by the way, I just want to say because, Dave, I think you threw out something that might offend some of our listenership, which is that you don't have to have a kid in like a choir or a concert to go to that stuff.

[C]

Yeah, you do it.

[A]

No, you don't. I've gone to a ton of those and.

[C]

Because you have nieces and nephews.

[A]

No, no, no, I. When I go to a school where I don't know anyone, some nights I'll just be a little down in the dump. Some nights I'll just. Sometimes I'll just find out that I've. I'll just go to the school and I'll just go stand in the back and I'll just be like, man, this is fun. This is just good time.

[B]

You and Dershowitz just go.

[A]

A couple of easy going dudes who just get how it works. I love my dirt.

[C]

Okay. Musicale is a thing. It's a musical gathering or concert, typically small and informal, often private. So it's a. It's an actual thing. Sounds horrible. So here's an example used in a sentence musicales, at which Anita and her mother played the piano. It sounds terrible.

[B]

Country of origin for the word.

[A]

Yeah. Please, sir, I would much rather go see a wagon event, sit in someone's living room, be like, oh, cool. Mother, daughter.

[C]

The Embroidery Club Met Wednesday with Ms. Bednar and spent a most enjoyable afternoon. Vocal and instrumental music being an agreeable feature. Dainty refreshments were served.

[A]

Every man. It was the first two initials. And every woman was just the last name and a mission. Miss.

[C]

She gets a miss.

[B]

Yeah, well, she's not a full human.

[A]

She's not.

[B]

Not until, like, 19. What, 67.

[A]

I think we're gonna repeal that nasty law pretty soon.

[C]

Andy, I would like to point out that there is a newspaper story about an embroidery club and Gareth is stuck on the name Gareth. It is a newspaper story about embroidering.

[A]

Doesn't surprise me. My first thought was it. It does not surprise me. There is nothing going on. There is also going on.

[B]

I don't know if you read the New York Times, but there's embroidery articles all the time. Ever heard of Etsy A1 embroidery and then, like, D17. Something about maybe genocide somewhere. Page one.

[A]

Well, they've really. They're handling it well, as they always do.

[C]

Quite a number of members were absent through illness, and we thought it a measly shame.

[A]

A measly.

[C]

I think they're, I think it's like.

[B]

You'Re one of the little rascals.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

I think it's a word. I think it's wordplay. Contemptibly small or few. No, I guess it's not.

[A]

They're just measly. Measly's tiny. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, I thought you were just, like, saying it like a measly.

[A]

That's what I, I, I'm at. Like a disease. Like, you didn't show up because you have measles.

[C]

That'd be great.

[A]

Maybe.

[C]

But honestly, that might be what's going on. Because he put me measly in quotes, which is why.

[A]

So in other words, we understood measles better that time than we do now.

[C]

No, no.

[A]

Secretary was.

[C]

No, you want to get it and then you don't get it again, how it's great for you. That's what they say.

[A]

No, it's good. No, I always say, listen to the guy who. God's trying to remove his voice for the sake of society. Listen to that guy.

[C]

Please listen to me.

[A]

Like, like evolution is trying to silence rfk. Hold on. Drink pond water.

[C]

No, it's great to have a guy in charge of our health who wakes up every morning and just chugs a glass of feces.

[A]

Chugs a glass of feces and then does roids and is like our bodies are temples.

[B]

Wait, sorry, I'm not supposed to do that.

[A]

No, no. Yeah, I like it for you. I like that for you a lot.

[B]

I mean, do you not like my, like my Shiny skin.

[A]

No, you look very. You. You're definitely.

[C]

You look great.

[A]

You look great. I mean, there's no. There's no doubt about it, I think. Yeah. It feels like you want us to keep going, so I'll keep trying, but. Yeah, you look really good and jacked and the roids are really working and. Yeah, you've got a good. You've got a healthy. Everything about you looks very healthy. Glow. You got a glow. There's a big glow. There's that Beckerman blossom.

[C]

The Beckerman, Yeah, the Beckham Beckman blossom is what they call it.

[B]

Doctors can't figure out what's wrong.

[A]

Well, that's an interesting follow up, obviously. But. But, you know, I think that I would, you know, let. Let them look is what I would say. Let them keep looking, Andy, because you're looking good. So I don't know what they're.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What they're even going for, so.

[C]

Naomi's a lucky lady.

[A]

Lucky woman. Lucky woman. Without.

[B]

I'm not allowed to sleep in the bed with her.

[A]

Well, I mean, again, I think. You know what? Let's. Let's get back to the paper because I think when we're doing the personal stuff, it start. It's getting a little. It's upsetting maybe, but good for you and let those doctors. Let those doctors figure it out and. Yeah, I'm sure you sleep in a little. Maybe a little bed near the bed or something like that maybe. Is where. Where she's got your floor.

[C]

Yeah, Floor.

[B]

Maybe there's a space under the bed.

[C]

All right.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Like that. Like that X Files episode. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

No, that's. That's crazy to hear that he's. That he's under the bed. Dave, obviously, that's. I mean, that's not great, I think.

[C]

Yeah, that's fine. Yeah.

[A]

I don't. I don't love it, to be honest with you. Okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. All right. Three, two, one. Hurry up. And. Jesus.

[C]

Great big bundles of old paper for sale at the Tribune office. Five cents buys a bunch.

[A]

So for.

[C]

Look, half the price of eggs. This is their. Their times version of like a DVD collection. What else is there to do? Get old papers and read them.

[A]

Yeah, just grab it. You're like, wow, we were so dumb back then. Now drink your iodine. We knew so little.

[B]

There was cocaine in this soda. Crazy.

[A]

That's crazy. Hey, honey, will you pass the radium?

[B]

I just want a couple licks.

[A]

I just want to do a couple licks before bed. I want to read in bed. So I'll just open my mouth so you don't get disturbed.

[B]

Can you help me? My jaw's feeling a little detached.

[A]

Don't. Not too much. Don't move it too much.

[C]

The Mystic Cave Company at Sulfur has been in.

[A]

Cave Company. Yeah, we're out.

[B]

That's a great name for a production company.

[A]

Mystic Cave Co. Hathaway.

[C]

What happens in it is in a.

[B]

Story that will blow your mind.

[A]

Something you've never seen before.

[B]

We definitely have it filmed and edited for sure.

[A]

Go downstairs and check out the basement.

[B]

Oh, what's in the basement? Probably something dramatic.

[C]

Is it a cave?

[B]

What is that this summer or some summer?

[C]

Summer, yes.

[A]

And Hathaway is filmed in this.

[C]

The Mystic Cave Company at Sulphur has been incorporated with a capital stock of 20,000. It is the purpose of the company to explore the cave, which has been the subject of many a newspaper story. What?

[A]

So this is kind of like their. Their submersible.

[C]

I think they're. I mean, they're. They're trying to sell stock in a thing is what. Yeah, it sounds like. It sounds like. Absolutely.

[A]

The second anyone asks questions, you're like, let me take you. Let me take you down there. I'll show you how good it is. There you go.

[B]

As they're like. They're walking behind you, like slapping a blackjack onto their palm.

[A]

Yeah, right. Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Just go down the cave. You'll come back up for sure.

[A]

There you go. You got this. Feel better? Kill the lamp.

[C]

I mean, there is a Mystic Caverns in Sulfur City, Texas, I think.

[A]

Sulfur City, Texas?

[C]

Oh, no, it's in Harrison, Arkansas.

[B]

No, no, it's in Schittsville, Texas.

[A]

I like how it's either Texas or Arkansas. Two of our finest.

[C]

I don't know. I mean that. You know, we got nothing on this. Nothing ever came of the. Of these sulfur caverns. I mean, the Mystic Caverns.

[A]

I'm sorry, Hathaway.

[B]

Mystic Cave still a company. Can I still buy stock in them?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Why are you so.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Andy, hold on.

[C]

Let me open my still.

[A]

Yeah, for Robin Hood. No, Andy. Let's get rich. Andy. Andy. They. They. Andy, this is over 100 years ago. They folded, Andy.

[B]

Still investing. It'll come back. That's what everyone tells me about the stock market.

[A]

Andy. Andy. No.

[B]

It's coming back.

[A]

Andy.

[B]

$80,000.

[A]

Oh, my God. Andy. Andy. Andy. And you know, it's good.

[C]

I like to see some little hope.

[A]

Too late.

[C]

I think he made a really good buy.

[A]

Hey, honey. How was work? I made some interesting investments at home. While you were gone.

[B]

I mean, climate change is going to destroy everything anyway in my lifetime. So, like, why not invest $80,000 in a company that no longer exists?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

In that logic, find the flaw.

[A]

It's hard for me to push back, to be honest with you. I don't know. Remember what it was like, our grandkids, kids, lifetime. Like, in our lifetimes, it went from grandkids, kids, lifetime to like, yeah, it'll probably take us all out. Yeah, that's cool. Even when it was like your kids, I was like, all right, let's keep it there. Not any closer. Now it's like, no, we're all gonna die from it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember when you look, you could, like, say, like, oh, it's gonna. Climate change is gonna kill us soon. And then you look at your watch as a joke, like, as if it was happening now. You can literally look at your watch and be like, oh, yes. No, in the next three hours, there's gonna be, like, a Class 12 fire cane that's gonna fly through here, where.

[A]

They just keep going, like, once in a century. And you're like, you say that every weekend now. So. Time to change our metrics.

[C]

Mother's modest demands. Lawyers will take almost any case. And Chicago lawyers, it seems, will take anything. A Chicago woman put her son in a children's home there and is now bringing suit because they cut off the boy's curls. She's right.

[A]

Oh, my Lord. She's right over curls.

[B]

Is it just a. A short haircut or did they shave the kid's head?

[C]

I bet they shaved it, but that's great.

[A]

Every time you got a bad haircut, you could bring a suit. That would be pretty bad. I mean, most haircuts in the wild, you're like, oh, God.

[C]

Oh, terrible.

[A]

Like, when you're in the middle of a bad haircut and you're like. And you gotta still sit there and be like, that was awesome. Thank you.

[B]

John Grisham's Barbershop.

[A]

John Grisham's Anne Hathaway, a Mystic Cave production.

[C]

Every curl was worth a thousand dollars to me.

[A]

She says, whoa.

[C]

And they gave him a bath, too, against my wishes.

[A]

Oh, Christ. Plus, they took off his. His bactar.

[C]

I brought my little dirt boy in and they fixed him.

[A]

Now you leave him nice and dirty and curly. Do you understand? I'll be back at five, honey, with this.

[B]

He smells like violets.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

We say he's not my kid anymore. Get rid of him.

[A]

You could keep him. My boy had curls and was filthy Goodbye. Enjoy your new life. Gabriel.

[C]

He is a delicate child, and bathing makes him sick. I haven't given him a bath since a year ago. Christmas, cheese boy.

[A]

We are really rfking.

[B]

No, I'm just imagining, like, the shape of a child. But you just see bugs crawling all over this shape, like centipedes.

[A]

Is this voice.

[B]

Like an anime creature?

[A]

I haven't given him a bath for over a year. You broke our streak. That tub, they were like, sweet God, throw the tub out.

[B]

But you poke through, and there's no actual child below there. It's just the child. It's just the shape of a child.

[A]

This is just a bugs. Who got a wig? Help us. Can you feed us more larvae?

[B]

Our curls. Our curls are gone. The source of our power.

[A]

The bugs freaking out. Well, we had a good run, boys. I'll be honest. We're not a boy at all.

[B]

You got us. You got us.

[A]

All right.

[C]

It is. She's asking for 15,000.

[A]

Just nuts.

[B]

That's 12 million eggs.

[C]

Well, that's actually $574,000 today.

[A]

Oh, now makes sense.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Sounded nuts back then.

[B]

Yeah, but when you adjust for inflation.

[A]

Yeah, no, now I get it. No, now I get it now. I get it now.

[C]

Yeah, you get it, right?

[A]

Yeah. You cut off his curls and you bathe them. So now I want half a million dollars. How are we ever build? Hair doesn't grow and dirt doesn't accumulate. This boy is forever different.

[B]

This one time, the CIA put a splinter in my finger.

[A]

Now, Andy and I sued them. Andy and.

[B]

I sued them for over $6 million, and I won.

[A]

Is that right? I mean, you just invested $80,000 in a cave. That was a swindle.

[B]

Where do you think I got the $8,000 from?

[A]

Okay, 80. What?

[B]

I don't know who the CIA director is, so. It's cash, Patel. And the money directly.

[C]

Have you stopped taking your meds?

[B]

I didn't start taking them. The doctor is very angry. Like, are you going like, you've been buying them? I prescribe them.

[A]

I like to swim in pills.

[B]

Yeah, like Scrooge McDuck with pills.

[A]

I, Scrooge McDuck in my pills.

[B]

Diving into a bin of Zoloft.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Spitting it out.

[C]

A contortionist gave a free show at a pool hall Wednesday night. He raised several dollars among the onlookers.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

That means you're. You've lost a bunch of. You've lost a bunch of it.

[A]

It's just, like, a terrible control. He's, like, almost touching his Toes. Bet you didn't know that was possible, did you? Give him a dog. Get out of here.

[B]

Journalistic shade.

[A]

Look at that.

[C]

I can scratch the back of my head.

[A]

Look at that. I can put my elbow all the way behind my head. Huh? Now give me four quarters. I'm gonna put them on my elbow and catch him.

[B]

This guy, he's opening for Please.

[A]

He's opening a wagon guy. Wagon guy's like, boy, this guy fucking sucks. I mean, I'm actually. Hold on.

[B]

This is like a great show. You got the contortious, you got Please Lindsey, and then you got some wagons.

[A]

That's a pretty good lineup. Yeah. I don't hate it.

[C]

Oh, you didn't like a dogma?

[A]

The.

[C]

Sometimes Larry. That was Larry that got down, and that's Pablo that's now laying on the. It's. So Pablo came over and he's like, you want to hang out and sleep together? And Larry was like, goodbye.

[A]

Sounds like us.

[C]

Yeah. The little ones. Many wrinkles are smoothed away by the soft fingers of little children.

[B]

Oh, Jeffrey Epstein.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

What the fuck?

[A]

What the fuck? That's what I'm saying. That's all I was doing was getting younger.

[C]

Come on down to Creepy Spa.

[A]

What the fuck?

[C]

It's not great. It's not great.

[A]

You better have more than that, because that is crazy.

[C]

The music of their flute, like voices. Oh, my God, it's not getting better.

[A]

Oh, my God. Just going down somewhere where kids are working, kids are just indentured, and they're just rubbing your face, and you're like, don't stop talking, kids.

[B]

It's like a travel brochure for Little St. James.

[A]

Make me youthful again.

[C]

Come on down to Dershowitz Spa.

[A]

If you're just in the lobby and you're like, oh, look, there's a bunch of. You could go spelunking. Hey, look at this, honey. Apparently, these kids will touch you all over to get rid of wrinkles. And their voices help, too.

[B]

I didn't know about this before I. I booked this vacation.

[A]

I swear to God. I didn't. I didn't specifically call about this. I might go back for wrinkle treatment again.

[C]

The music of their flute, like voices calms the most turbulent mood and banishes the darkest frown.

[B]

The.

[C]

The power of the little ones consists of their.

[A]

In their innocence, which I plan on taking from that.

[C]

This is the worst thing we've ever read on this.

[A]

This is a really. This is a really bad one.

[B]

This is like an evil cartoon, you know, like, where, like, We're. We've trapped the kids and we're sucking the innocence out with these magic syringe.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, just surfing innocence through child massages.

[B]

Just like something that Disney made in, like, 1982.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They were, like, being bankrupted.

[C]

Who's the. Who's the billionaire that takes the blood of his kid?

[B]

Brian Johnson.

[A]

Oh, no, that guy. Oh, that guy.

[C]

This is like.

[A]

That guy was like, I'm never gonna age. And it's like, dude, nobody wants to fuck you. Okay? You look like a mannequin.

[C]

He does.

[B]

He looks like the Crypt Keeper, right?

[A]

He looks.

[B]

Yeah, it's.

[A]

He's like, I look so young. It's like. You look like you don't exist with us. That's what you look like. He's like, it's all carrots and my son's blood. You're like, yeah, no, I don't know what your plan is here. At some point, go do something that might be nice. Like, I can't. I have to stay in my chamber. So I never age.

[B]

I drank the wrong grail.

[A]

He chose poorly.

[C]

They bear in their hands that Lily, the magic might of which gates the brass cannot resist.

[A]

Oh, this is. This. This is like Trump's letter to Epstein.

[B]

How flowery the language got. Once it was about child.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Labor.

[A]

Let's just say child labor at best.

[C]

At best, yeah.

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[B]

Like, they really had to dress it up. They really. They were like, get Yates in here. We really gotta make this a little more colorful.

[A]

Otherwise, I mean, we know what we're really doing.

[B]

Otherwise. This is the most evil thing anyone's ever written.

[A]

Oh, my God, A tiny.

[C]

Well, that was. That was horrible.

[B]

Marquis sod's over here vomiting so evil yarn.

[A]

How was the massage? It was insane. It was absolutely insane. I guess they get four kids to do it instead. It was super bad.

[C]

It made me really tense.

[A]

Honestly, really horrible.

[B]

But my crow's feet are gone.

[A]

I mean, I look good.

[C]

Yeah, I mean, that's.

[A]

I look good. I just. I'm gonna have to try to shut out that one kid whispering into my ear, can we trust you? But other than that, it was a pretty nice experience.

[B]

I got a bunch of kids say, save me over and over again. That didn't help.

[A]

And by the way, I couldn't even pay attention to their please because they got these little flute voices. Everything sounded like a song.

[B]

Please, Please. What am I seeing, a prop comic?

[A]

Honestly, I mean, it was just like they. I just can remember the songs. They were saying, please, please help free us. We're not. We're here against our will. They killed our parents so that we'll forever be here rubbing the heads of adults. Help. Please don't ignore us. It was just. It was an unbelievable experience. So catchy.

[C]

Piscatorial.

[A]

Swear to God. They were about to start with piss, which is a great opening. Piss. Piss.

[B]

It's good for you.

[A]

Piss.

[B]

Drink some today.

[A]

Drink piss. I like to imagine Dave's in that room with all the dogs and he's like, just boarded up the door outside and told his wife to leave him be. Out of here now. Honey, the dog and I live here now.

[B]

Or it's like a cask of a Montelado type thing. He's been walled in.

[A]

And he's just podcasting.

[C]

James Henderson, while fishing in the Washita last Friday, landed a big catfish, which furnished a eating for a large number of Alex families that evening.

[A]

Crazy.

[C]

Do you want to guess how much it weighed?

[A]

How much the catfish weighed? While inflation, I mean, big to feed enough people. I'll go £24. Andy.

[C]

18 of the scales. At the meat market, the fish weighed 60.

[A]

That had to get confusing. 64?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Holy.

[B]

And what would.

[C]

It's one of those ones.

[A]

Yeah. What is.

[C]

It's one of the ones you. You put your fist in and the catfish eats around it. You know the one.

[B]

That'S huge.

[A]

That's crazy.

[C]

The ones you. The ones you see on the shows where the guys are like, grabbing guys.

[A]

Yeah. Where they're. Yeah. They're like. Yeah. Well, I'm. Let me introduce you to Grabber. He'll show you how to catch. He's like, teeth. I ain't got a lot, but I'll show you a trick or two.

[C]

Those who are not acquainted with the Wichita may think this is a common, ordinary fish story, but it is not. The fish that swims in the wonderful Wichita, the farmers who till the soil which it makes fertile, and the towns that grow up on the banks are all waxing fat with prosperity. Mr. Henderson thinks there are bigger fish in the Washida that have yet to be caught. Man, there's fish in there that are hundreds of years old that deserve to be dead.

[A]

It's like, yeah, it's pretty hard to prove you wrong, I guess. There's fish so big they ain't even been caught.

[B]

And monsters. Monsters you can't see everywhere.

[A]

All right, Uncle Greg. Uncle Greg, come on now. Come on now. Uncle Greg. Craig, he's doing the monster riff full.

[B]

Of great monster meat.

[A]

Oh, it's so tasty.

[B]

You could see Him. To capture him.

[A]

All right, all right. We're going to go inside for a little bit. That'd be so great to open a restaurant where you're like, we serve monster. Just so you guys know, there's a monster on the menu tonight. We just killed a fresh monster a couple of days ago, so we're low on the meat, but if you want a little monster chili or something like that, don't worry about it.

[C]

Do you have a.

[B]

Do you have a specific kind of monster or just monster in general? This thing?

[A]

This week, we actually caught a creature from a lagoon. Oh. Yeah. So he kind of had gills, and he was tortured, and he was trying to solve something, so we shot him in the head. And we've just been making fillets out of him all week.

[B]

And I can definitely see it because last. Last week, I came in here, you served me Bigfoot, and it was just an empty plate, and you said, only the right people can see it.

[A]

Yeah, no, you'll be able to. This will be you there. You will get a plate of something. Yes, absolutely. Yep. Without question.

[B]

Hey, give me two helpings.

[A]

Yeah, there you go. You're gonna love it. This guy falling off the bone. I will point out there has been a bit of controversy over whether or not this was just a man swimming.

[B]

A man swimming with a catfish attached to his head.

[A]

A man with a catfish on his arm. All right, enjoy.

[C]

8. Sausage to win wife.

[B]

Sorry, say that again, please.

[A]

No, actually, don't.

[C]

Sausage to win wife.

[A]

This is how Joey Chestnut got married.

[C]

This even Naomi.

[B]

Oh, 8:80. Sorry.

[A]

In my mind, I swear to God, I thought the number two.

[B]

I thought, in my mind, this is like, the most Dada construction for a headline ever.

[A]

I thought it was like, sausage me wife. It was just like, you show up and you're just like, sir, I want your daughter. Well, she's not going to come cheap. I want 15 sausage for. I'll give you eight to eight. Eight would be just for some random. This is a perfect woman. You're going to need to up it from eight. I'm not.

[B]

I should have started lower. Shouldn't I have?

[A]

You should have. I mean, I think you know how to negotiate. I don't know if you know how to negotiate.

[B]

Have you $80,000 to buy into your company?

[A]

We don't know s. Sir, we're sausage people. Okay, so, Dave, you're muted again.

[C]

Okay, Sorry, there's a lot going on here with dogs.

[B]

No, he meant your personality is too muted.

[A]

We want to see more, Dave.

[C]

Really swing When Heinrich was courting Mary, he had a rival, one John Biermann.

[A]

This is how America pictured Germans.

[C]

Yeah. The two met one evening at her home and got into a dispute as to their capacity for frankfurters. Which happens amongst the Germans. This happens. This is a very common thing.

[A]

I could eat far more frankfurters than you could.

[B]

They've got another six years for this to be the stereotype.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

In the demonstration which followed, both ate 47. When Johnson became. When Johnson became ill and had to retire or. Or the combat, there was like a.

[A]

Guy named Nathan in the bushes who was like, I've got an idea.

[C]

Johan will act as best man at the wedding.

[A]

I. I completely forgot that this was any nuptial.

[C]

As a part of this, Johan got sick and couldn't eat any more sausages. So Heinrich won and. And she, being an elegant, wonderful woman, had agreed to this. Whoever eats the most sausages gets my hand in marriage.

[A]

Figure out who marries me is the way we always do. Whoever can eat some of sausages.

[B]

Is there an article about how she feels about this?

[A]

Oh, come on.

[C]

Fuck are you doing?

[A]

Jesus Christ. Come on now. This is the locker room. We don't care how they feel. How many sausages to pork her?

[C]

Yeah. How many sausages can she take? You know what I'm talking about right now?

[A]

Dave, Dave, easy.

[B]

How many sausages?

[C]

I want a woman who can take 47. There's double penetration and then there's 47.

[A]

David, David, that's carrot tops pitch. I just know anytime I like a girl, I show up and I'm like, I ate 30 sausages. I really like you. For me, I really like you a lot. But I'm starting to get the feels. So I ate head sausages today.

[C]

After. After the diarrhea subsides, I would like to come back and marry you.

[A]

I'm really, really ill.

[C]

All I taste is like a metallic. It's bad. Can say that because I did a Jimmy Dean hot dog commercial and I had to put like 50 hot dogs in my mouth. And you spit them out. But at the end of the day, at the end of the day, my. It was my. My. For three days, my. My mouth tasted metallic. I was just like, this is awesome.

[A]

I had to do Hot Pockets. Came up with a thing called the side shot where it's like a little bun with, like hot pocket juice squirted in it. No, I did a commercial for those and I. Yeah, same thing. Like, had a spit bucket. But I was pounding those things in the commercial. And the next day I Went for a run. And as I was running, I was like, what's that smell? And I smell my side shots. I'm secreting side shots.

[C]

Oh, shit. Okay, last one. Woman's secret. Every woman has a secret. Every woman.

[B]

I don't like it when men eat hot dogs for my affections.

[A]

Honey, there's a fascinating article.

[C]

Keep that secret to yourself, woman.

[A]

Lady, stop.

[C]

She's gonna upset the entire sausage market.

[A]

Stock market crashed.

[B]

Right? 1929. It was from the. The lack of sausage eating.

[A]

Yeah, well, women finally spoke up about how they feel about sausages. Now we're all gonna be poor. Great.

[C]

Every woman has a secret that she will not tell her neighbors. If she is of the housekeeping kind of woman. It is. It is a secret connected with good bread making or a certain way of testing jelly.

[A]

This is just so un believably horrendous.

[B]

Quick, let's just go around the horn. How do you guys test your jelly?

[A]

Have a woman do it.

[C]

I put a sausage in it.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I genetically engineered a tongue, put the jelly on it. However, the tongue kind of naturally reacts to it because there's no, like, other stuff attached to it. There's no, like, brain attached to the tongue. Yeah, you can just. You can just gene engineer. Yeah, yeah, Just for jellies.

[A]

It's a crispr.

[B]

You have a better way of testing jelly?

[C]

I'd love to hear it.

[A]

Well, I just. Yeah, I fill my wife with it now. How do you like this one, Ophelia? Take your feelings out of it.

[C]

Or maybe it is a secret whereby she can make coffee that her neighbors despair of equaling.

[A]

I just love how, like, it's almost like women were just shitty Barbie dolls. Where I was like, you can have jelly tasting or you can have coffee making, but we all know they're gossiping.

[C]

If she is a vain woman, it is a secret of putting on face powder so that it does not show. Or the secret of making some kind of a lotion that will take off sunburn. Don't say that. A woman cannot keep a secret.

[B]

Yeah, you definitely do not want to take off your sunburn. I would like, if there was one thing I know about 1908, is that melanoma was in style.

[A]

Keep it, keep it, keep it. Put the butter on. Go stand in the hot sun for a little while. You want that pink color.

[C]

That's it.

[B]

I mean, my skin look like a brown recluse has been biting it for the last year.

[A]

I don't know. That's such a bizarre. I Feel empty after the end. I wasn't feeling good before it.

[B]

Yeah, ask a question. When do newspapers stop with the moralizing? Because every time I listen to an episode of this, and it's before a certain date, but I don't know what that date is, it's always like the moralizing tone in every article of like, this piece of shit lost all his whiskey and now we're going to throw him in jail.

[A]

Yeah, David, you know better me.

[C]

I think it was. I think it was like the 70s, but I think at that point they just put it in the hands of like, like ask, whatever. So it. It switched and then you could. And then you could do it in there, like write fake letters where they.

[A]

Were like, here you go. You could be a real piece of here.

[B]

So like post Watergate, they're like, I guess we got to take this seriously.

[A]

Yeah. Well, Andy, Sweet. Andy Beckerman, thank you for joining us. A real pleasure. Couples therapy Beginnings.

[B]

True.

[A]

Both. And. And you're only wearing shirts that says Jews now, which is. We love that.

[B]

The government has mandated it. They sent me a little Star of David. That. A yellow one. I have to put on my jacket. Like, what? I got more than I. I got. I don't have more than one jacket. I do. They gotta send me more yellow Stars of David. I got three jackets.

[A]

Not just keep changing it. Just keep. First of all, stop wearing so many things and we'll give you one star. We don't have enough. The economy is the economy. We don't have this big star budget. Okay? We're not a hidden cave with an Anne Hathaway in it. Okay? All right, everybody. This was the past times. Thank you. You'll miss me honey, some of these days. Hey, dollop fans. I know you love the dollop. You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five parter animation, which is actually like a 22 minute episode or 30 minute episode, I can't remember, of the rube. You can go to LakeSide Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the rube. It. It really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one, so go there and watch the rube.