139 -The Past Times with Mike O'Connell

Summary

The Dollop – Episode 139: "The Past Times with Mike O'Connell"

Date: August 22, 2025
Guests: Dave Anthony (C), Gareth Reynolds (A), Mike O’Connell (B)
Theme: Hilariously dissecting an 1858 Detroit Free Press newspaper alongside the absurdities and brutalities of 19th-century American life, with musical comedian Mike O’Connell as guest.

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Episode Overview

In this raucous episode of "The Dollop’s" Past Times spin-off, Dave, Gareth, and guest Mike O’Connell leaf through an 1858 Detroit Free Press, uproariously riffing on the period's legal procedures, wild social commentary, and uniquely strange reporting styles. The trio teases out the unintentionally comedic elements and harsh realities of justice, gender, and parenting during this chapter of American history, all while bringing in their signature offbeat banter and improvisational fun.

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Key Discussion Points & Episode Highlights

1. Meet Mike O’Connell & Album Talk

• [00:15–04:30] The show opens with Gareth introducing Mike and engaging in friendly banter about Mike’s new music album ("A Gaggle of Red Flags").
• The hosts swap stories about seeing Mike perform, audience reactions, and the comedic-to-tragic arc of his stage persona:
  • “Once I made everyone laugh, I decided to make them cry.” – Mike [02:05]
  • "You're amazing. Then one out of every six people is like, you're up. Like, no. I don't know." – Mike [02:46]
• Mike shares that the new album will be out in early September and lightly jokes about his own lacking confidence.

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2. Guess That Newspaper Year & Format

• [04:40–06:30] Gareth and Mike guess the year of the newspaper—Mike is “closest” with his guess of 1876; the correct year is 1858.
  • “I have to do all that stuff before, and now it seems strange that I did it, but I have to...” – Gareth [05:37]
  • The group jokes about “saying I lost” as a pre-show ritual.

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3. The Crime Blotter: Animal Larceny, Chicken Lineups & Odd Justice

• [06:34–10:45] Dave reads out old crime reports:
  • 90 days for a stolen sheepskin from Michigan Central Railroad.
  • Uncertainty in identifying stolen chickens leads to acquittal.
  • Celebrants “get drunk, draw pistols,” and only get 40 days in jail.
  • Dock loafers sentenced—leading to banter on the outdated term.
• The gang marvels at period-specific priorities:
  • “You can run around with guns and 40 days is all you get…sheepskin, they'll hang you.” – Gareth [09:32]

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4. Victorian Misogyny & Women’s Rights Satire

• [10:46–20:14] A wild report on a “dilapidated female”—the paper’s term for a woman who storms their office and throws a book on women’s rights:
  • “She looked very seedy and we need not ask…” – Dave reads [11:51]
  • “She wore no hoops!” – Dave [11:56]
• The woman’s written demands: honest work and pay. The paper mocks her:
  • “We want a track of land and some good gentlemen who will be honest enough to pay us when we work.” – Dave quoting paper [16:45]
  • “Over the edge!” – Gareth [16:54]
• The hosts note this could pass for modern online misogyny, comparing it to social media trolls.
  • “It’s so similar to Twitter. I can barely breathe.” – Mike [19:10]

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5. The Absurd Drunken Doctor Stabbing

• [23:40–34:00] Hilarious breakdown of a “serious” stabbing at a hotel:
  • Sheldon finds his clothes cut, confronts Dr. Lewis, and a melee ensues with knives and chairs.
  • Dr. Lewis, a traveling eye doctor, “uses a pocket knife he was cleaning his nails with.”
    • “No one should start cleaning their nails with a knife…” – Gareth [27:12]
  • Lewis tries to buy a pistol after stabbing, is arrested.
  • The group jokes about old-timey doctors' readiness with knives and lack of surgical standards.

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6. Rescued Kids & The Y’all Boat Routine

• [35:08–44:06] A small boat of six children capsizes—rescued by a “y’all boat.”
  • The trio invents an extended Southern improv on the y’all boat captain (“You really think we’ll be able to find a new passage to India?!” – Gareth as kid [35:49]).
  • The episode lampoons how the newspaper cheerfully warns parents their dead children may come home “stiff and cold” if carelessness with boats continues.

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7. Stray Kids, Dangerous Docks & Parenting in 1858

• [44:06–45:53] Further discussion on newspapers warning about children “straying like dogs” near the wharves:
  • “That's why you have 11 kids: you're gonna lose like four to drowning, three to TB...” – Gareth [44:57]

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8. Strange Crime & Borderlines of Canada

• [45:58–47:41] A woman in Windsor is arrested with “red flannel and several dark colored straw hats”—though no owner comes to claim them. The trio riffs on border towns, flannel, and underage drinking in Windsor.

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9. The Mormon War & Utah Weirdness

• [47:57–51:59] News from Utah: Mormons in Provo get roasted for keeping women away from “soldier boys.”
  • They explore the (real!) Mormon War and riff on “fake Bibles” and special Mormon rules.
  • “Just be weird there with your little extra Bible. Awesome.” – Gareth [50:08]

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10. Victorians Dream of a Sky House

• [53:55–56:18] An inventor proposes a “10-square-foot house slung from a balloon"—the “cloud house.”
  • “You can take off with the cloud house. But no one ever figured out how to land.” – Gareth [56:07]
  • Group jokes about dangerous, drunken innovation.

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11. Life, Rattlesnakes, & Terminology Lessons

• [56:25–61:46] Retelling of children rescued from bed with a rattlesnake under the covers.
  • Jokes about parental choices and snake laziness.
  • Side discussion on old meal terms (dinner as lunch, supper as dinner).
  • “We could name these things anything we want. That’s the lesson here.” – Gareth [57:50]

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12. Climbing Mount Blanc: Male Entitlement Personified

• [62:07–64:05] British climber claims record by getting on his guide’s shoulders at the summit.
  • “It does show some sort of entitlement there.” – Mike [63:59]

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13. Episode Close & Callbacks

• Discussion of Mike’s reading on Victorian supper arrangements and favorite ghost stories.
• Shout-out to Mike’s albums, lampooning the streaming music model:
  • “No, stream it so the artist doesn’t make any money and it all goes to a corporation. Do that.” – Dave [65:21]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On historical misogyny:

  • “Hoops are in dresses...She’s going hoopless.” – Mike, [12:05]
  • “No hoops, running around hoopless.” – Gareth, [15:34]

• On 19th-century Twitter:

  • “It’s so similar to Twitter. I can barely breathe...you’d see under like a thing where a guy’s like, for real. All right, listen to me. Your job is pretty straightforward. Clean out porkers and shut the fuck up.” – Mike & Gareth [19:10–19:17]

• On improvised river rescue:

  • “The y’all boat is here. So what’s y’alls plan now?” – Dave as “y’all boat” captain, [38:16]

• On old school child endangerment:

  • “That’s why you have 11 kids: you’re gonna lose like four to drowning, three to TB…” – Gareth [44:57]

• On Victorian innovators:

  • “This is just an outhouse with a balloon.” – Gareth [56:07]

• On fake Mormon Bibles:

  • “No, you guys haven’t read the found Bible. Once you read it, you’ll—it’ll totally be copacetic.” – Dave as a Mormon [49:30]

• On historic meal times:

  • “What book were you reading?”
  • “Ghost stories, sure. And there’s just a lot of ghost stories from the mid-1800s. They’re always talking about ‘I dressed for dinner and I supped with Caroline St. Clair.’” – Mike [64:17]

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Timestamps of Important Segments

• 00:15–04:30: Mike’s introduction & album discussion
• 06:34–10:45: Crime Blotter & 19th-century justice
• 10:46–20:14: Women’s rights ‘dilapidated female’ piece
• 23:40–34:00: Hotel stabbing & medical mayhem
• 35:08–44:06: Capsized kids & the improvisational “y’all boat” routine
• 44:06–45:53: Parenting, lost children, and dangerous docks
• 47:57–51:59: Mormon news, Mormon War, and weird religious satire
• 53:55–56:18: Cloud house invention
• 56:25–61:46: Rattlesnake rescue & mealtime terminology
• 62:07–64:05: Mount Blanc ascent & male entitlement

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Tone & Style

The episode is packed with the Dollop’s irreverent, improv-laced comedic dissection of historical oddities. The hosts and guest riff off each other’s asides, turning 19-century headlines into extended sketches—think improv theater meets dark history. Their camaraderie keeps the energy high and the pace brisk.

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Takeaway for New Listeners

Even without having heard the episode, you’ll come away understanding that 1858 Detroit, as reported by its local newspaper, was a world of weird priorities, harsh punishments for petty crimes, outrageous columns about “dilapidated females” seeking rights, and a constant threat of hilariously inept stabbings. The trio’s blend of researched riffing and sudden character improv brings each story to life, with memorable satirical commentary on how little—or how much—has actually changed.

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For Fans & Newcomers

If you want vintage history dissected by three sharp comics constantly on the verge of tangential absurdity, this episode is a strong showcase, especially for Mike O’Connell’s unique comedic chemistry with Dave and Gareth.

Transcript

[A]

Foreign, everybody. Welcome to the Pastimes Podcast. Each week, we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before. And neither is our guest this week, the great Mike o', Connell. The greatest dog. Hi, Mike.

[B]

How are you?

[A]

How are you? Good. How are you?

[B]

All's well in the zoo?

[A]

All's well in the zoo. As always, Dave. Thoughts?

[C]

Seems I was stroking my beard. Yeah, it's looking good on my chin. Thank you, sir.

[A]

Thank you. There'll be no side chemistry, Mike.

[C]

We've known each other, Mike.

[B]

Have we known each other longer than I've known Gareth? Definitely. I met Gareth at your reading in what. Whatever year that was.

[A]

No, that's not where I met you.

[B]

I thought that was where I met you.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no.

[B]

Different reading. Different reading. I apologize. I. I've been in so many readings.

[A]

Yeah, you're a big reading guy.

[B]

I am not in the. Not in the actual show. I'm just. I'm a good reader.

[A]

A great reader.

[C]

Yeah, you're an amazing reader, Mike.

[A]

What is your album called? Do you. Do you have a title?

[B]

Yes, the title is A Gaggle of Red Flags. And it's. It's just, you know, a consortium of sad songs and introspective songs.

[A]

Well, your last one was called Sad Songs to Be Sad To. Right?

[B]

Sad Songs to Get Sad To.

[A]

Yeah, to Get Sad too.

[B]

That is on all of the streaming services, which is so good. Yeah.

[A]

I actually went to your first time. You did all those, and I was kind of crying. It was very strange. I was, like, in the back alone, like, oh, my God.

[B]

That's the goal.

[C]

Mike is one of the funniest human beings, so you should go get the funniest one.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

God, he's funny.

[B]

Once I made everyone laugh, I decided to make them cry.

[A]

There's. There's a clip of Mike when he did Kimmel back in the day, and his amp doesn't work when he's about to play his guitar. Oh, yeah, it is. What a. You rolled with the punches so well.

[B]

Yeah, I did. I mean, I'm not bragging in that situation. You kind of have to.

[A]

Oh, so good.

[C]

And Mike's someone you really need to see in person if he gets a chance.

[A]

Truly. Yes. Literally.

[B]

Do not communicate it. Well, I agree.

[A]

It can be communicated, but you see Mike live, and you are like.

[B]

It's quite confusing when it. When videoed.

[A]

Well, Mike, after shows, people. You know, people will be like, oh, you were funny. You were funny. And then like. Like, people would be like, you're amazing. And then like one out of every six people be like, you're up. Like, no. I don't know.

[B]

You're crazy, man. And I was like, well, that's a compliment. They're like, this is not a compliment, sir.

[C]

No, I legitimately want to get help for you right now.

[B]

I have. I have some therapist friends and I know people at mental hospitals.

[A]

Yeah, that has happened.

[B]

It has happened. And I always think it's charming and then it's not. And then it is.

[A]

There's so many people who are like.

[B]

But you feel shitty when people think you're not pretending to be mentally ill.

[A]

Well, Mike and I did a show once in San Jose and I came out, I was hosting, and the first thing I said was, san Jose is either pretty hot women or homeless people. And it. I like. The one of it was brutal. And Mike was like, dog, that's not a good way to start a show. He's like, I live here.

[B]

I'm no MC myself, but I feel like that might be a bad way to start a program.

[A]

It was bad. Where can people get the new album, Mike?

[B]

It will be on all the streaming demons and, you know, Apple Music and the streamings. The streamings.

[A]

And then you don't know when it'll be out necessarily.

[B]

I think it'll be out the first week of September.

[A]

Okay, great. All right. And it's called A Gaggle of Red flags.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

All right. You got it.

[B]

That's what I settled on.

[A]

Well, it sounds like you're brimming with confidence as usual, over your choices.

[B]

There's a song about lacking confidence on the album. So this is quite. Worked out quite well.

[A]

There you are. Okay, Mike, so, um, the way this will happen at the beginning is that we're going to guess what year this paper's from. Dave. Will, you're going to win no matter what, because Dave has.

[B]

I love Dave.

[A]

Yeah, but it's not earned because Dave. It's just how Dave is passive aggressively doing stuff.

[C]

To me, it's.

[A]

But anyway, it doesn't even matter, so. But you guess first, Mike. That's the best way to do this. Otherwise some weird stuff happens. So it could be. It could be 1700s, probably going to be 1800s, 1900s, could be 2000s, but it's up to you.

[B]

Okay, I'm gonna go just a hundred years from my birth. 1876.

[A]

1876. It's interesting. I like that a lot. Yeah, I'm gonna Say you're wrong.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

1894.

[C]

You're way off. The mic is much closer. It's 1858, July 27th, so it's legit. You're off and wrong. It's just say. Say I lost.

[A]

See, Mike, I have to do all that stuff before, and now it seems strange that I did it, but I have to do it because of. Of Dave. Dave has imbalances.

[B]

You're almost psychic in a way, because you called it.

[A]

Yes, I got that part right. Yeah, you. You suck, Dave.

[C]

So obviously, as we said beforehand, the loser needs to say, I lost. So before we continue.

[A]

I don't remember that part, but I. For the sake of the show, once again, I will just say I lost.

[B]

Oh, it's hard to say you lost in modern times because people. Oh, no, it's not. It took a while. I said it took you, like, 30 seconds.

[A]

30 seconds. Come on.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It took a while.

[C]

It was like. It was hard to watch. It was hard to watch.

[A]

All right, let's just. Come on now. Let's get this show cooking.

[C]

The Detroit Free Press Detroit, Michigan Tuesday, July 27, 1858 Year of our Lord Police Court. Oh, it's just a list of crimes.

[A]

Oh, they're good.

[C]

John Fay stole the sheepskin, the property of the Michigan Central Railroad Company and was sent up for 90 days. 90 days for stealing a sheepskin?

[B]

Yeah. Got you in the workhouse, and then you get out, and then they put you in the poor house. So that's probably 180 days.

[A]

That hasn't changed. I don't know why he stole it, though. If memory serves, back then, they were pretty cheap.

[B]

I like how it's the. It's the property of the. Of the railroad.

[A]

Railroad.

[B]

Yeah, they're. They're just. They're just transporting the sheep.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Under the dark of night.

[A]

No, it's how, like, a firehouse had a Dalmatian. You know, like a little mascot that the trains just had a. Like a sharp skin that. They're like. What do you think, Grace?

[C]

Yeah. Ephraim Beecher stealing six chickens from Dan Coglan. The complainant was unable to identify his chickens with exactness, and the defendant was given the benefit of a doubt and discharged.

[A]

I mean, to be fair, asking someone to identify their chick, like, you'd be like. It's like a lineup. They bring them into the, like, lineup room. Like, all right, which four are yours? Like, they all look very similar.

[B]

And I've never trusted the name E. From. You know.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

Dodge. Dodge City.

[A]

That name I agree, I agree.

[C]

I would assume that they were like, okay, describe your chickens without them being there. And he was like feathery. Beaks.

[A]

Yeah, Beaks clawed.

[B]

There are. There are only a certain amount of kinds of chickens. So I guess three. There's three.

[A]

What if there's three?

[B]

You know, that's for sure.

[C]

What just happened?

[A]

I don't know. Just guessing.

[B]

There's only three types of chicken and they all look the same.

[A]

That's my album.

[B]

I like it. Yeah, it's ready to drop quicker than mine.

[C]

Cheers will come out sometime in the next ten years. Charles Watson. Charles Watson and Henry Hamlock were tried for assault. They were on a spree on celebration day and as a natural consequence, got drunk. Drew Pistols, etc.

[A]

As a natural consequence in 1853, a natural concert. They got drunk. So obviously there was guns.

[C]

They were trying to jail for 40 days.

[A]

40 days.

[B]

So, yeah, it's. It's just. It's a longer sentence for the sheepskin.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Most egregious. Yeah.

[B]

You can run around with guns and you. 40 days is all you get.

[A]

Yep. Sheepskin. You're. They'll hang you.

[C]

That's right.

[B]

Times have changed.

[A]

The same fate as the sheep.

[C]

It should be.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

That's it. That's it for the crime.

[A]

And that's the start of the paper.

[B]

It's a light day of Detroit. Yeah, that's a light day in Detroit with three. It's just three like animal based crimes.

[C]

Which is probably the same. I would think that crimes listed up top.

[A]

So much more. Murder.

[C]

Well, there was. I. Let me see. I think there was a murder. Assault and battery. Assault and battery. Fine for cost of suit. And for suit. Oh, no, this is just two guys. Dock loafers were sent up for 30 days. So they were loafing on a dock.

[B]

You don't hear it as much. You don't hear it as much these days.

[A]

Well, if you do, it's. It's like yacht rock attire.

[B]

That is true. That is not unwrong.

[A]

Thank you for putting that so diplomatically. Thank you for leaving me with a puzzle on whether or not I was right.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

That is so not wrong.

[B]

It is a quandary.

[C]

A woman's rights champion. A dilapidated female. That's a.

[A]

She's a fixer upper. She's. The insurance company's coming by later. We're gonna assess her. But so far, I don't know, we might just have to tear her down and do a full rebuild.

[B]

The editor was like perfect word choice, but perfect word. Dilapidated female. Holy.

[C]

I haven't seen a woman like this since I drove past that house out in the prairie.

[A]

We're condemning her. She is done.

[C]

A dilapidated female of a very uncertain age dressed in a dirty calicone gown, slip shod shoes and a very limpsy sun bonnet. Took our office by storm yesterday. Love a.

[B]

Yeah, they were attacked. No wonder she's dilapidated.

[C]

She looked very seedy and we need not ask.

[A]

Jesus. Leave her alone.

[C]

Wore no hoops.

[A]

She wore no.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

I think.

[A]

Absolute disgusting.

[C]

Hoops are in dresses.

[B]

So that's.

[A]

Yeah, they're those.

[C]

She's wearing a dress.

[B]

She's going hopeless.

[A]

By the way, the level of comfort, the dis. The difference in the comfort level of hoop and non.

[C]

Seriously.

[A]

Oh, just hell. Just getting ready was hell.

[C]

Or sitting. You can't sit down in a hoop dress, right. Like, how could you?

[A]

Well, if you do, it's. You sit like, it's like how. You know, it's like you've got to like, lift it up like a hen. I mean, you've just got to like, lift it all up and then kind of plant down and then drop it over yourself.

[B]

But if you are attack. If you're attacking journalists, you just don't want those hoops in your way, you know, you want to have.

[A]

No.

[B]

You want to have like a. Just a skirt.

[A]

Yeah. You can sort of get a gallop.

[B]

Going in at the Detroit News.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

She said never a word, but threw a small book at our head and dodged out as quick as lightning. Okay.

[B]

That's the first compliment they gave her is that she's fast as.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Don't you think she just tossed it on the desk and they're like, that was on our head.

[A]

Just. Why would she stick around? Everyone was like, God, so many problems.

[B]

I guess it's. It really matters what the book is. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

No, I know.

[C]

Astonished, we hurried to the door and caught a glimpse of her apron strings streaming out behind as she turned the corner at such speed that the thought was at once suggested that she must have taken us for policemen and been reminded thereby of sundry nights spent in the calaboose for vagrancy. They're really just.

[A]

Just really a lot of assumptions.

[B]

She's also of an indeterminate age, but she's very fast. So, yeah, it's hard to figure out.

[A]

Well, we don't know how old she is, but we're not cops. But we don't know how old she is. We don't know much. She had an apron on and she's definitely been to jail. Just judging by the way she was.

[B]

Beautiful writing, poet, poetic, with the str flowing behind her.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I believe they just called her a prostitute.

[B]

Oh, which part was that? I did.

[C]

Why? By saying she got spent nights in the Calabas. For vagrancy, they're saying. For vagrancy, they're saying.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

No, she's a street. She's a street lady.

[B]

And the caliber street jail like that was just a common phrase.

[A]

No, no. You pay extra, you could put it in the calaboose. Another 15 bucks, they'll let you go in the Calabas for sure. Absolutely. Trust me, boys.

[C]

Contented with this one.

[A]

Go ahead. This.

[C]

Contented with this explanation. We returned and incidentally picked up the book which was found upon examination to be an essay on women's rights. Coached in the most emphatic and unmistakable terms.

[A]

Boy, I don't know. What was her problem? Why was she so curious about women having rights? Seems like she's doing fine with the society is currently constructed.

[B]

Yeah. The article seems like she's. She might be right. The way they're talking shit about her for no reason.

[A]

Yeah, they're like, oh, yeah, I know what their problem was. She doesn't like the tiered system.

[C]

Hopeless. You may as well have your legs open, woman.

[A]

Honestly.

[B]

No hoops running around hoopless.

[A]

No hoops. Women's rights.

[C]

Perusing this, we found that our friend of the CD is a reformer on a grand scale. She proposes nothing less than a colonization of the female race independent of any such useless appendages as men. The book is headed mental and psychological phenomena or the wife's revelations. A written verse upon the COVID mutilates four lines of the sublime exposition of hafed in the fire worshipers as follows. And then so there's a little quote. They're really mad. Yes, I am of that impious race. I am of that outcast few who hail youth's everlasting place where love's sweet empire reigns. Tis heaven. Okay. And then it goes on to list the stuff she wants.

[A]

So here we go. Get ready. I mean, buckle up for this.

[C]

We want a track of land and some good gentlemen who will be honest enough to pay us when we work.

[A]

So that's over.

[B]

Over the edge.

[A]

Thank you. I. Okie dokie.

[C]

Holy.

[A]

You know, women are just not comfortable with you promising a wage. They actually want follow through, which is just disgusting. Disgusting.

[B]

They're calling for gentlemen as well, which is, you know, they're probably not a lot. Not a lot of nice dudes back then.

[A]

No, no. Are you kidding me? The idea. Imagine finding, like, a guy where you're like, I think, like, they would probably get together and be like, don't worry. Tom is actually nice. He pays money for work. He pays for work.

[C]

He gets it down with all the wicked and brutal propagandism of the human race by organized and systematic frauds for the enslavement of the sex. Why may not every guileless daughter of Adam and Eve, daughter of Adam, go out as Eve did and cultivate a garden instead of starving and rotting in the vile attics and basements or swelling and hooped flounces. Pronounced puppetry. Puppetry. Good. This is the back to the paper comments.

[A]

Good.

[C]

We second that last suggestion. It sounds spunky.

[B]

How the words change over time.

[C]

We should like to see them plowing and mowing in the hot sun with the thermometer at 98. Or carrying bags of wheat weighing 200, cleaning out the barn and butchering fat burkers making themselves generally useful by shining, shitting up a pole, a slippery pole, to the top of a haystack and sliding onto the pig sty. We go in for the all women, no man reformation. Wonder how many generations will survive to perpetuate the names of the founders.

[A]

Good God, though.

[C]

They're just like, can we get paid for our work in this guy's? Yeah, why don't you lift a giant sack of feed.

[A]

Your jabs to go into the bar and clean out the porkers? God, I mean, it's shocking.

[B]

It's so. It's so similar to Twitter. You just can't. Yeah, I can barely breathe. It's just so similar.

[A]

You'd see under, like, a thing where a guy's like, for real. All right, listen to me. Your job is pretty straightforward. Clean out porkers and shut the fuck up.

[B]

Porkers. The guy is just, like, using kind of a very esoteric language to talk about pigs.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Clean out the porkers.

[C]

Well, I mean, justified in throwing the book and running away.

[A]

Like, my God.

[B]

And she said. She said like a hoop based. You know, she talked about the hoops in her treatise. It's just. Hoops are ridiculous. Yeah. And she was. She was exactly right.

[A]

She hated hoops and wanted to be paid for work. And these guys are like, this is disgusting.

[B]

Oh, that is a bridge too far. Excuse me. Too far.

[A]

Excuse me.

[B]

Well, I hope it worked out for her.

[A]

It didn't.

[B]

She went back to the caboodle or wherever they sent her straight back to the cabika. Go dome.

[A]

Boom, boom.

[C]

Yeah, she would have been One of the first ladies in town to wear pants. And they. Yeah, yeah. Gareth. The pastimes is brought to you by Cash app, which we both use. Sometimes we send each other money.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Sometimes we'll do it if we don't even need to.

[A]

That's how much fun.

[C]

That's how much we like cash.

[A]

It's fun to swap. But I will say we on the road when we have merchants, more and more people are using Cash app and you could like get, you could see more and more people are paying through that. More people are scanning that QR code.

[C]

Well, because it's more secure and not to bring up anything else, but like I literally had just money taken by another company and they were like, yeah, that we don't like what you're doing with that. And, and then you're like, why? Why?

[A]

Just. Well, there are many ways that they, I, I, it's funny because like I would advise my, my parents into like, hey, be careful of this. And then I find myself sometime, Is this real? Like, what is that? Like there's so many scams going on.

[C]

There are, there's a ton of scams out there and you're, and you don't know if it's real. And you, and you. It's so easy to like wake up and click on something and it's like, oh man. Hey, you Most, you know, 65 bucks on this and your brain's not working yet and you just click and send it. Well, Cash, Apple got your back on that one.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Whereas other places are like, well, you screwed up.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And there. Everyone's fishing.

[A]

Do the voice. The other places again screwed up. Yeah.

[C]

But everyone's fishing. Everyone's trying to get ways for you to click on the thing and accidentally send money and then think about it.

[A]

So you're going to do it.

[C]

You're going to do it.

[A]

What a world.

[C]

Cash App has your back. When you get the Cash App card, not only do you get access to a ton of perks and benefits like exclusive early access to nationwide concert pre sales or discounts on popular brands, but you also have extra security with the power to instantly lock or unlock your card right from your phone in just one tap. With Cash App, you can spend to save and live your life knowing your money is right where you left it. With advanced built in security protections you count on and help when you need it. Spend with the peace of mind today and order a Cash App card in the app or at Cash App Card. Being able to turn off your card is awesome.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

For.

[C]

For a limited time, new Cash App customers can use our exclusive code to earn some additional cash. For real? We're not kidding around. Just download Cash App, use our exclusive referral code, dollop in your profile, and send $5 to a friend within 14 days and you'll get $10 dropped right into your account. Terms apply. That's money. That's Cash App. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App's bank partners. Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton bank member fdic. Instant discounts provided by Cash App a Block incorporated brand. Visit cashapp.com legal podcast for full disclosures.

[A]

Okay, are you ready? Here's mine. You ready? Looking for an easy tap? Yeah, That's Cash App, I think.

[C]

I feel like we just lost another.

[A]

You're spoiled by how good these are. That's your problem. You're eating filet every night, so you don't even care.

[C]

Desperate fight. Stabbing. Afray. A man named George Sheldon, a runner for one of the omnibus lines, was stabbed at the Central Hotel yesterday in a very serious manny manner, receiving several bad wounds.

[B]

That's not.

[A]

Not a serious man. In a joking fashion.

[B]

It wasn't one of those mild stabbings.

[A]

That we're used to in town, but it's all good.

[C]

Was it a legitimate stabbing or, like, a.

[A]

Goofy one? He goofed it. He goofed it pretty good in his gut.

[B]

It was a bit of a lark stab.

[A]

It was cute. It was a cutie.

[C]

Although we know someone who could get stabbed in a goofy way. Luke. Like, if there's any human being on earth who will get stabbed, and it would be, like, jokey joke.

[A]

Well, he has stabbed himself. And, yeah, there's a story about him, like, pretty goofy. Yeah, he, like, dropped sword on his foot and was like, oh, no.

[B]

You know, and that's the first part of that sentence is the most important. He had a sword for no reason.

[A]

Yeah, no, like multiple. You're like, what?

[B]

He was like the guy that watched the QVC sword thing back in the day. Oh, yeah, I need that. I need that for sure.

[A]

They're basically giving katanas away. That's crazy.

[B]

It can't be that sharp if it's from qvc. It can't be that easy.

[A]

They might as well take that sword and slash those prices, because this is a steal.

[B]

I'll take six.

[A]

I'll take six. I'm not an idiot.

[B]

Only five didn't cut my foot open.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

Okay. So the manner in which the affair occurred was as follows. Sheldon Found some of his clothes mutilated by being cut with a knife. And repaired to the parlor where he found.

[A]

Imagine that order where you're like, my shirt's a bit torn. Sweet mother of mercy.

[B]

I do believe I go to that. I'll go to the smoking room. Well, to reflect on this, time to.

[A]

Go think about this.

[C]

Where he found a doctor, James Lewis, whom he accused of having done it. The latter denied it and a fight ensued. The parties using chairs at first.

[B]

Well, well, you go to the. You go to accuse the low. The local doctor of stabbing you. Yeah, there's gonna be a fracas.

[A]

The one bridge to not burn when you've been stabbed. Like accuse someone else. Use the doctor.

[C]

I love that. Then the first thing they went to was a chair fight.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And the one guy's. The one guy's stabbed, right?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's bleeding out.

[C]

No, he's not stabbed yet.

[B]

His clothing was. His clothing. Well, that I turn to first. Doctor ripped my clothes apart.

[A]

Yeah, sorry.

[C]

Yeah, no, he. He. He was at a hotel and he. In his room, he found his clothes had been cut up.

[A]

Guy stabbed his out.

[C]

So he's a. He's a dick. Because no one slices your clothes unless you're dick.

[B]

Yeah, if you're a pleasant human. No way.

[C]

They finally grappled and in the melee, the doctor used a knife with which he had previously been cleaning his nails. Okay, well, that's a. Oh, no one should start cleaning their nails with a knife.

[B]

There's just like shards of clothing on the knife. He's like, oh, just. Just for my nails. Just for my nails.

[A]

That corduroy under your nail.

[C]

Are all your fingers bleeding?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, you gotta clean them to be fair, though. I mean, imagine the under nail gunk that we were dealing with back then. I mean, it had to just be like, look like a.

[B]

You needed. You needed a bowie knife just to clean the nails.

[A]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[B]

You needed a really like a Rambo knife just absolutely around.

[A]

Yeah. Just to get under there.

[C]

My great grandpappy just cut his. The tips of his fingers off.

[A]

That's better.

[B]

Ah, that's those girls. That's a. That's a sound criminal right there.

[A]

Yeah, that's easy.

[B]

Even before. Even before the fingerprints were available.

[A]

You talk about Stubbs Anthony. Yes. You talk about him fondly a lot.

[C]

I do. He was great.

[B]

He almost seems imaginary, but I trust to you.

[A]

Yeah, not to us. We celebrate him here.

[C]

So the doctor stabbed Sheldon several times with it. On the head, shoulder, Inside. Oh, so he was going for a kill.

[B]

Head, shoulders, knees. Head, shoulders, knees and toes.

[A]

To go from like, you stabbed my clothes. And then you'd be like, well, that was actually a better era, considering you've knifed my head. Stabbing someone in the head is amazing.

[B]

I do feel like this doctor is way too ready with a knife.

[A]

I don't. Well, I mean, he's a doctor, Michael.

[B]

He's.

[A]

He's an operator.

[B]

You never know. Amputate someone.

[A]

Yeah, well, he looked to the nurse and he goes, knife.

[C]

There's a nurse in here.

[A]

There's a nurse. Yeah. She handed him.

[B]

Can I get the clothes knife. And then I'm gonna take the stomach.

[A]

Knife, not the closed knife. Stomach knife. Stomach knife. How about give me the head blade? He.

[B]

So he stabbed him multiple times.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Huh. The knife was a common pocket knife, and the blade was not of sufficient length to inflict a very deep wound. All right, so it's a little knife.

[A]

Yeah. Okay.

[C]

But there's still.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You're not supposed to be punctured. No.

[B]

Does that lessen your time in the who's cow when it's just a tiny knife?

[C]

The cuts in the side are just.

[A]

Your honor, he hit him with a cutie.

[B]

He got it at an amusement park for throwing balls into barrels.

[A]

Good Lord. It barely broke the skin.

[C]

The cuts in the side are just below the ribs and are very bad ones. Well, yeah, those are.

[B]

Yeah, that's why you don't want to get stabbed. Any cut seems pretty.

[A]

Yeah, I'm opposed to any stabbings personally.

[C]

Sheldon got away from him and went downstairs to the office. His course being marked the whole length by a stream of blood so he can follow the trail.

[A]

At least I know where I started. Yeah.

[C]

The doctor immediately went out and bought a small pistol of a peddler.

[A]

This doctor is.

[B]

This doctor. It's like Dr. Giggles, one of these. One of these pistols. Horror doctors, horror movie doctors.

[A]

Doctor won't let it go. Now I'm gonna shoot him.

[B]

And they could just. That was just the time. Not that you can't walk into Walmart and get a gun, but back then, they're like, yeah, please take it. Take it.

[A]

Yeah. The guy was like, there's a five minute waiting period.

[C]

And he was proceeding to load it when he was arrested by officers Whitman and Mahaney and lodged in jail.

[A]

Boy, those cops got there fast.

[C]

Yeah, they did way different.

[B]

They were drinking. A bar, probably.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, probably.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, there we go. The wounded man was taken upstairs and medical attendance was summoned. Hey, doc.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, I'm fine.

[C]

I'm fine.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm good. No, I'm okay. I'm okay.

[B]

He's the only doctor in town.

[A]

I think it's bad. I'm feeling bit better. I'll just put one of these. These brown towels on it. I think I'll be a little bit better.

[B]

This guy has killed half the population of this village.

[A]

I don't. I don't care to see him. I don't care to see him. I really don't.

[C]

Fix that. I'll fix it.

[A]

Nurse. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[B]

Take off the handcuffs. Take off the handcuffs. I'm ready to operate.

[C]

I really need to get in there.

[A]

I want to save this man from what's happening.

[B]

I just need my knife back.

[A]

All right, now I'm just gonna delicately take the head off. There we are. He should be feeling a lot better.

[C]

His wounds will probably not prove fatal unless those in his side are much worse than anticipated. So you don't know. So you don't know.

[A]

Someone. Can someone look?

[C]

Yeah, the. These seem to have made by turning. Made by turning the blade of the knife in the wound and maybe. Oh, my God.

[A]

He stuck it in real.

[C]

He's twisted.

[B]

That's how you get away with a tiny knife. You know how to use it?

[A]

Yeah, you just poke it all the way through. There you go.

[B]

I'm used to a larger knife, but I do adjust.

[A]

All right, quick question. Would you rather be stabbed with a large knife without the twist or a tiny one with two twists?

[B]

Oh, I don't know.

[C]

Dr. Lewis is a traveling eye doctor and would seem to have been. It would seem to have been a man of ungovernable passion, if not of desperate character. From the manner in which he used his knife, he inflicted several wounds upon himself during the fight. Cutting his leg and hand with his own knife, holding this backwards.

[B]

He needs some knife lessons. I don't know if they were available back then. He goes to the knife range and just starts. It's like you stab. You stab potatoes.

[A]

Brings it closer to him.

[B]

I'm afraid you stabbed yourself again.

[A]

God damn it. I don't know what's crazier. The. The fact that he. He's stabbing with Ty or neither. That there was an eye doctor in existence.

[B]

Just a madman eye doctor just roaming the Roman.

[C]

Yeah. We just be like, so what.

[A]

What's wrong with your eyes?

[C]

I can't see out of them.

[A]

All right, here. We're gonna give you the same pair of glasses every other feller gets?

[C]

I can't see well.

[A]

Yeah, I don't know. That's pretty much that's it.

[B]

The fact that he had to relocate to Detroit from Chicago for stabbing so many ophthalmologist patients.

[A]

Well, my doctor. My doctors knew, but he had to leave the trees as. He's. He's. He stabbed a guy a bunch.

[C]

He's one of the new. There's a new ophthalmologist. They're called cutters.

[A]

Yeah, he's a cutting ophthalmologist.

[B]

It's no different than the lasers of today.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He would shave part of your cornea off. Just, you know, like.

[A]

This is called knife lacing. Shit. I over. I overcut.

[B]

Oh, we'll shave your eyeballs until you could see. Right. Trust me. Trust me.

[A]

Don't worry. All right. I'm gonna start and say when.

[B]

The eye doctor was. Yeah, the eye doctor is like the old dentist, where you're just like, I don't trust this.

[A]

No way. With your eye. Then I'm gonna put a series of needles in your eyes until they get better and then a couple leeches. Okay.

[C]

Take care of the children.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

A small boat. Yeah, thank you.

[A]

I just, I. I just. I. I just completely agree with that.

[C]

A small boat containing six youngsters was capsized. Was capsized on Saturday in the river opposite the foot of Second street through the carelessness or inexperience of its juvenile managers.

[B]

All right.

[C]

Kids. Yeah, they sunk about their kids.

[B]

Yeah. You know those kid captains, they can be problematic. They're not as.

[C]

They're not as sharp, but counterpoint. Yeah, Very cheap.

[B]

Very cheap.

[A]

Yeah. They're just explorers. You really think we'll be able to find a new passage to India? Oh, yeah.

[C]

For sure.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We seem a bit lost boys, but you know where we are still. Shut up.

[C]

Yeah, shut your face. I'm driving.

[A]

Shut the fuck up. We're driving.

[C]

Pictures with chalk.

[B]

They should bring back. That, though, is for people who drive cars. Vehicle managers.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Because I think that the boat manager is just. It's just an. A flower. Too flowery for these journalists. They were just trying to get their poetry in there. That's what I.

[A]

If you. If you were able to get a young child driver for your car after you'd had a couple drinks. I don't hate it. Uber kid. You just get like a kid dropped off to drive your car home. You guys haven't done Uber, kid. Oh, these. They're great. They're all done.

[B]

Yeah, you just. You want to go as high as you can go, you know, 17. It's probably best, safest.

[C]

But 10 is fun. They honk the horn so much, like, they love it.

[A]

Oh, they love it. The sunroof's always down. How you doing, mister? I'm pretty drunk. You have a good time today? Yeah, it's all right today.

[B]

He's day drinking. That's what he's. You can only day drink and get these kids.

[A]

Well, there's curfew.

[B]

Yeah, there's something to think about. As far as the curfew, I can't.

[A]

Take you all away because I gotta be home by 8. 45.

[C]

You ready to go?

[B]

From.

[A]

From. Yeah. What?

[C]

They. They were fortunately discovered and all rescued by a y' all boat, which was sent out from the shore to their relief.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

If parents will allow their children to play on the wharves and take sails upon the river under no proper care, they must not be astonished to receive from them. They must not be astonished to receive them home, stiff and cold as their bodies may be taken from the water.

[A]

They just capsized.

[C]

It's.

[B]

You know, the y' all boat is the y' all boat. Yeah, the y' all vote is pretty good.

[A]

The captain. Hi, y'. All.

[C]

You.

[B]

You worry? You guys. You guys drowning or what?

[A]

Y' all had a bit of a fix because I'm having some problems.

[B]

I'm here. I. I'm here for you. I'm here for you.

[A]

The y' all boats here. So what's yalls plan now?

[B]

Y' all need me, or should I go? Should I just go on y'?

[A]

All. What. What. What are we thinking? Do you need help? Should I get out of here? Where y' all at? Don't worry. The y' all boats here.

[B]

Just the idea. Well, you're just gonna have a cold, dead child if you keep letting your children misbehave.

[A]

Yeah. Keep letting them go on a boat on the 53. The idea that they're like, kids can't go on boats. Seems again, it's one of those. I'm like, they had that line back.

[B]

Then of like, no, it's Tom Sawyer. It was a dream of a child to just escape on a boat.

[A]

Oh, that was their whole thing. If a child's on a boat, he should have a slave. That is law.

[C]

So. Lord, it's July, and looking at the temperatures, it's like the temperature of the water is like, between 77 and 78. That's now. So it's probably 5 degrees cooler, but they wouldn't freeze. They'd just be swimming around.

[B]

Yeah, it's all humid. It kind of feels nice. It's like we gotta capsize more. We gotta capsize more often, friends, y'.

[A]

All. Okay.

[B]

We meant to capsize. To cool. To cool our brows. To cool our brows.

[A]

I'm gonna come down. No, y' all need to get on the all boat. This is crazy. This is literally crazy right now. Here you go. Come on. Form a human chain link. Everybody hold each other's hands. Y' all are.

[C]

We're swimming.

[B]

No, you're not.

[A]

Y' all are done.

[B]

Y' all are coming out of that water.

[A]

You understand me?

[B]

Whether y' all like it or not.

[A]

All right, Y' all boat is not here to discuss. I'm here to enforce. Y' all get up on my. Get up on the. Y' all boat now.

[B]

Now.

[A]

Should be ashamed of yourselves, y' all out here doing stuff like that. Unbelievable.

[C]

There is a great.

[A]

You can die. That water is. That water is as cold as mildly heated.

[B]

It's like. It's a bad soup. It's like a poorly made soup.

[A]

This is like a bad soup.

[B]

Somebody didn't stoke the fire under the. Under the mulligan stew.

[A]

Y' all get up there now. You the eldest. You should be ashamed of yourself.

[B]

You could boil yourself half.

[C]

I'm refreshed.

[A]

Shut up. No, you died, basically. Hey, y' all about to shore. Y' all about to shore. Yeah, we got him. We got them. Y' all ain't gonna believe what they were up. They're capsizing out here and they want to keep going.

[C]

They look like they're in swimsuits.

[A]

Yeah, that's not good.

[B]

It was obviously a group suicide attempt.

[A]

And that's what they're trying to do, is they're all trying to go at once. Kids love that stuff. They think they go to heaven in one boat.

[B]

Then you know how they do with the packs. With the packs. The different packs. The suicide.

[A]

You know how y' all will be going around. They got the packs. They love a pack, these kids. Kids now be packed. And when I was a boy, we didn't packed once. No, y'.

[B]

All.

[A]

You were on your own.

[B]

We did it by. We did it by ourselves.

[A]

I became a blood brother to my other hand. That's how I did. I became. I became a blood brother to my. I. I cut my one hand. I cut my other hand. I put them together and I said, a bond is forever formed between right and left. That was how we did it. You remember that we were boys. Y' all remember? Anyway, I remember. Just. Yeah, go ahead.

[C]

I remember we made fun of you when you did that.

[A]

Well, I didn't need you back then. I had my right hand. I didn't need y'. All. Look, do you want the kids? Do you not want the kid? I'm not staying here for my freaking health. Okay?

[C]

Just leave them in the river. They're having fun.

[A]

They are drowning, the lot of them.

[B]

It looked like they were drowning. They were splashing at each other. It was simple hijinks, upon reflection.

[A]

No, I do not agree. I do not agree. What? Looks like they were. They were losing their minds in there. And. And if anything, they were. They were declaring hijinks after the fact during. They needed me. By the way, I fell in love with this group since I got them to shore. I am. I just gotta be honest with y'.

[B]

All.

[A]

Like, I just. I've been hugging these kids. I just. That they are incorrigible little stupid boys.

[C]

We actually wanted to talk to y' all about that.

[A]

I'm not doing anything. That's maritime law. I can do what I want. Yeah. I don't follow land law.

[B]

It was in the middle of the river, henceforth. Was. There were no laws.

[A]

There were no laws when I was out there, when I hugged him. And I must have.

[C]

You stop. It's become a pattern that you keep rescuing boys from the river and then.

[A]

They are drowning y'. All. Y' all didn't see them. They were drowning out there. God. Now, before we get them off, let's do one more group hug and then one individual hug with me at each one. Yes. No, sir, I can't step on shore. By the way, boys, there's some stuff.

[B]

Happening on a couple lists. On a couple of lists.

[A]

A couple lists that I don't want to talk about. That's why I live out here. River's my. River's my life.

[B]

River is my home.

[A]

River's my home. I got a water mansion. All right, I gotta go. All right. No, I'm going. No, no, I feel y' all want me to go. I'm gonna get out of here. Yeah, I get it. We do. I'm feeling the.

[B]

I feel the next town. Please. I'm sure there are more children to save.

[A]

Go miss the hell out of these kids. That's it. Here we go.

[C]

There is a great deal of this.

[A]

It's hard to leave. I gotta be honest.

[B]

Nobody ever asked me questions about my Y' all boat.

[A]

Yeah, y'. All. Y'. All. Y' all want to know why it's called that?

[C]

No.

[A]

All right.

[C]

There is a great deal of carelessness manifested by parents in regard to their children. And it is a growing evil. It is not unusual to see children of not more than three or four years of age straying in dangerous localities along the wharves. On whose shoulders would the blame lie if they were drowned?

[A]

I'll tell you who's.

[C]

God damn it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The journalist is just following around three and four year olds just being like, oh, you're up to no good.

[A]

I should push them in.

[C]

Make a point.

[A]

I should show them by pushing 3.

[C]

And 4 year olds.

[B]

Just rambling, wandering like stray dogs.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. That's what I picture of 1850 I picked. That's how I picture 1853. I don't picture someone like, that's dangerous.

[C]

Oh, no, there's no. That's dangerous.

[A]

That's why you have 11 kids. You'd be like, yeah, you're gonna lose like four to drowning, three to TB.

[C]

You, boss, why don't you set the dock on fire while you're on it out there? And if they escape a watery grave, who will save them from drowning in the lakes of moral depravity that are to be found along the streets and docks of this city? Parents, take care of your children.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Don't live near the docks. Yeah, yeah, docks to the docks.

[C]

Great place for kids.

[A]

It's so little to do. You stick to dirt mounds, you hear me? Yeah, trash and dirt mounds.

[B]

Go collect the fishing hooks in your feet. Preferably in your feet.

[A]

Take all the.

[B]

You boys, you got 17 today in the foot.

[A]

Yeah. Well done.

[B]

Yeah, that's like six kinds of tetanus.

[A]

Tetanus.

[B]

Impressive.

[C]

Stolen property. Officer Port arrested a woman in Windsor yesterday, having in her possession a quantity of red flannel and several dark colored straw hatch hats, which were undoubtedly stolen. The owners needed to convict her by identifying the property.

[A]

Wow. The owners need.

[C]

Basically, they found a.

[A]

Nobody reported it. Yeah, they found a woman with a lot of stuff. They're like, where'd you get it?

[B]

But a lot of Canadian stuff, which they were. They're like, we can't have these men and women in America where flannel like those Canucks.

[A]

This woman's trying to start grunge again.

[B]

And what isn't? Windsor. Windsor's not in Canada. Canada. It's not in Canada. It's just right over the border, I guess.

[A]

Yeah, I thought it was.

[B]

Because that's. I remember. You could go to Windsor and get drunk if you were like 17 or 16 in the 80s.

[C]

Windsor is a charter township.

[B]

It's like unincorporated.

[A]

Yeah, it is.

[C]

It is different from Windsor, Ontario, which is a community.

[B]

Okay, that's what I was thinking. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I think a lot of kids died when they would drive up to get drunk in Canada and hope. So the teetotaler speaks up.

[A]

Yeah, that'd be awesome to go to that bar like my age now. Walk in there and be like, this place pretty cool. A lot of like 17 year old kids. Awesome. You guys want to hear some stories about being an old man?

[B]

It's like hard enough to go into a place with 28 year olds.

[A]

Yeah, 17 year olds. But they're getting younger and younger. This is crazy.

[B]

So what's your favorite Pokemon?

[A]

Any of you remember trl?

[B]

I was negative five when that was out.

[A]

Oh, man.

[C]

The latest from Utah. Oh, the Mormons remain at Provo, yet not wishing to bring their females near. Near the soldier boys.

[A]

Jesus Christ. I just, I mean, on. On Jesus Christ. Not wanting to bring their females.

[C]

Well, you get them around the soldier boys and then they get. They're getting the six.

[A]

I take them to the park, let them run the energy out.

[B]

This was like right before the Civil War, like, what are the soldiers like? There's just. There's this like, what's going on? The soldier boys are just like marching down the street and don't let the ladies hear them.

[C]

When was the Mormon War? I mean, it's definitely. They're definitely out there to fight Native Americans. But.

[A]

That was a. That was a war that went on for a while.

[C]

Utah War of 1857-1858.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[C]

Bada bing.

[A]

What was that war all about?

[C]

Yeah, between Mormon settlers and. And troops over them having their own territory.

[B]

They're like, we found a fake Bible. They're like, no, you didn't. We're gonna start some about this. Coming up with. You're coming up with fake Bibles. We're attacking.

[C]

I mean, you got to.

[A]

They found a fake Bible and they're like, apparently we could take eight wives.

[B]

No, the general's like, sounds a little dodgy.

[C]

I'd say it's on the front page of this one.

[B]

No, no, you guys haven't read the found Bible. Once you read it, you'll. It'll totally be copacetic.

[C]

There's a whole part about anal. There's a whole section.

[A]

Yeah, one of the offices for that.

[B]

This is a long book, so you guys better just take some time to read it and stop attacking us.

[A]

Go to the diagram page. I didn't know.

[B]

I really didn't know. There was a Mormon war that no, like exploded.

[A]

I mean, it makes sense.

[C]

It didn't. I bet we tried to stamp out.

[A]

The Mormons a while ago.

[B]

No, but they put them down. They put him down and just said, you guys can stay there.

[A]

Yeah, eventually. They're like, well, just be weird here. They're like, oh, for sake. Fine, just stay there. Don't. Do not leave.

[B]

Just. Just be weird here.

[A]

Just be weird there with your little extra Bible. Awesome. The women were like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[B]

You guys were on the right track. Please shut up and put your hoops on.

[A]

Kathy, you have some apologizing to do.

[C]

They are living there, the major tents, while their comfortable houses in this city remain vacant with all the doors and windows boarded up. Up. Okay, so that. Yeah, this must be when there's fighting going on.

[A]

Right.

[C]

None of the Gentiles can obtain house room either for dwellings or for store purposes. This is particularly hard on the merchants who have brought out large stocks of goods.

[A]

Can we sell during the war?

[B]

Sad you don't have any Cokes or Sprites. It's kind of boring, I know. No, you guys got lame. Products, products.

[A]

Flowers. Anyone want a flower?

[C]

Do you like Fanta?

[A]

Anyone want to buy a woman?

[B]

I've got nine.

[A]

I've got of Daves here.

[B]

Please, we deserve rights.

[A]

Quiet. I wouldn't buy that one. She's a little yippy.

[C]

No reason is assigned by the Mormons for this dog in the manger policy, except as they say, they want first to see what the army will do and where it will locate. As yet, none have been able to procure sleeping apartments except the governor, Secretary Marshall and commissioners. So all the top guys. We have nice places. We're fine.

[A]

That's cool.

[C]

And even most of them had for a while to sleep in their wagons. Many of the merchants arrived in the city today.

[B]

All right, well, what was the dog in the. In the.

[A]

Yeah, Doug. In the manger.

[B]

Dog in the.

[C]

Dog in the manger.

[A]

I don't this is a Jesus at all in our Bible. Jesus is a dog, by the way. Anals. All systems go. Nine wives.

[B]

It was a dog. He was born in April. Yeah, that's what it says in our Bible.

[A]

So we're gonna do Christmas in April if that's cool with everyone. For our dog. Our dog look got his dog backwards.

[B]

So I think the army attack. They're like, no way. You're doing Christmas in April.

[A]

All right. We gotta go kill him. They're doing a dog. Jesus. This is just nuts. No.

[C]

Oh, but it's a puppy. Look at him.

[A]

It's very cute, but no. What are you. Who's gonna get worshiped? Who's local boy? Huh? Oh, my God.

[C]

All my dogs. All my dogs just were like, what?

[A]

Yeah, you're. I mean, the fact that one of your dogs is like. I love when animals sleep on pillows with their head.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

It's one of my favorite learned skills where dogs.

[B]

And you're just. It's really interrupting. You're just in the way.

[A]

Yeah. They're just like. He's doing that stupid again. Talking to his imaginary friends.

[C]

So. A dog in the manger is someone who selfishly prevents others from using or enjoying something, even though they cannot use it or enjoy it themselves.

[A]

Just.

[B]

I mean, it must have eight wives. I can't have eight wives. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go scream with the guy with eight wives.

[A]

All right. We got a real dog in the manger on this wife thing. Getting a lot of pushback.

[B]

It's the party pooper of yesteryear, I guess.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This guy's up our whole game, this dog in the manger.

[A]

The army's pretty bad. They're nuts. They're saying one wife.

[B]

I think it would be. Yeah, go on.

[C]

Sorry. A literal air castle.

[A]

What? No. This guy was like. And then it's an ad.

[C]

Steiner, an aeronaut, has got a new idea in his head, which he proposes to put in practice on the musk of their generation. He is of the New York State Fair at Syracuse this fall. He intends to have built a small house, say about 10 square feet. That's a really small house.

[A]

I mean, it's very.

[B]

Are we calling it a shed or a house?

[C]

It's a dog house.

[A]

It's a house.

[B]

Trust me, it's a house. If you're in the sky, it's a house to you.

[C]

Yeah, okay.

[A]

Yeah. 10ft in the sky. Okay.

[C]

And capable of containing in comfort four or five persons.

[B]

No, no, no, no. Agreed. Agree.

[A]

All right. We're on the same page. No way.

[C]

Which with its occupants, is to be slung beneath his large balloon. Starve the west and taken up to the clouds.

[A]

Honestly, absolute death.

[B]

It's like a guy. A guy. He drank. He drank 14. 14 meads, and he was like. And then he read Jack and the Beanstalk, and he's like, cloud House. Cloud House it is. I was dying for an invention, and the Gods gave me one cloud house.

[A]

Cloudhouse. You know, it's like, I'm a drunk. Gulliver.

[B]

Yeah, Drilliver.

[A]

Yeah. How many people you think fit in here?

[B]

Oh, so five people can fit there. And then obviously the. The balloon runs out. I mean, you live there for what, 30 minutes?

[A]

Yeah, it's just. It's. It's. I mean, it's basically like an adventure, but instead, like, it would be like in the basket of the hot air balloon. You're like, you can fit 10 in here.

[B]

Yeah. It's like, let's have a. Let's have a quick dinner just to pretend like we live in a cloud.

[A]

And then you're going up. You're like, how do we get down? He's like, I don't know. I can't believe you guys said, yeah, this is just an outhouse with a balloon.

[B]

You can take off with the cloud house. But no one ever figured out how to land.

[A]

But no one ever figured out the landing. Oh, my God.

[B]

This is a bad plan, sir.

[A]

Yeah, I agree. In retrospect, well, that's our lives done.

[C]

We have frequently heard of snakes visiting houses and of their sometimes having been found in and under beds. But we do not recollect ever having heard of. Of as remarkable an escape as an awful death from a snake as the following.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

From Mr. T.W. bliss, who was present.

[B]

Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah, I'm sure that's your name. You fucking murdered somebody some other town.

[A]

And the snake took a knife.

[C]

About five weeks ago, two children of Jacob Shull were living about three and a half miles west from Washington. One, age nine and 1 4, becoming weary from the excessive heat, lay down on the bed shortly after dinner and were soon fast asleep. Sometime during the afternoon. Wait, so dinner's lunch?

[B]

Yeah. No. And then supper would be dinner.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

No, I was just reading a book of. It's like, from that time, and that's. They. They're like, that's dinner. Is it 2 o'? Clock?

[C]

Okay.

[A]

I don't hate it. Saying, now we call it keto, now.

[B]

We call it starvation.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We can name these. We could name these things anything we want. I think that's the lesson here. Is that, like, what the. Are we all. All calling it the same thing?

[A]

Honestly? Yeah. And how many for dinner? Oh, we. Our dinner is breakfast.

[C]

Oh, God. Mr. Shell and our informant, who were working in a field, were compelled to seek the house for shelter from a heavy shower. They'd Scarcely entered when Mrs. Shell went to the bed to replace some of the Covering which had become displaced when a horrible sight met her eyes. The head of a huge rattlesnake projecting from between the children and its body in close proximity to theirs. That's actually not good.

[A]

No. Yeah, no.

[C]

Or really good, depending on.

[B]

I don't agree on your passion for your children.

[A]

Yeah, correct. Yeah. Oh, you'd be like, no, let. Honey, honey, let him go. Let him go. Let him finish this.

[B]

Take the one on the left.

[A]

Lefty, lefty. Take the boy. Take the boy. The boy. Bite the boy. Hey, Hank, will you put your head right near this? Put your head down by the front a little bit.

[B]

Would you hear a little bit of a shaking? It's like a maraca. Just go close out.

[A]

He's ready to party.

[C]

He likes a big squeeze.

[A]

Try to dig his breakfast out of his stomach. Mrs.

[C]

Shell was, of course, much frightened. And there is not much doubt but that it would have terminated fatally to at least one of the children had it not been for the providential arrival of the two men, who, with more presence of mind, quietly removed them from either side of the bed at the same time without alarming the snake.

[A]

Wow. Snake was.

[B]

What a. What a lazy snake. I feel like.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

Yeah, I feel like a rattler would be honest.

[A]

Yeah, the steak was just like, oh, that's cool. I get the bed to myself. I don't hate it.

[B]

I thought I made two new friends.

[A]

Where are we all headed?

[C]

Hey, Timmy, can you get up? Listen, don't turn around, but just carefully slide off the bed. But don't turn around.

[A]

Where are we going?

[C]

It's fine. I'm just taking you off the bed really quietly.

[A]

Okay?

[C]

Okay. Don't turn around.

[A]

Don't forget to take the snake. What? Where are we going, Mom?

[B]

And can we bring Steve? Can we bring Steven the snake? Yeah, that's my snake, Mom. And now you're strangling it.

[C]

Okay, well. And undoubtedly saving their lives. The his snake ship was then unceremoniously dispatched. I mean, you're just making up words.

[A]

Yeah, he's like.

[B]

He's the ruler of the snakes.

[A]

Yeah, I know.

[C]

He's like a lord snake. It proved to be a very large one with six rattles in its tail. How it got there is a mystery.

[A]

I don't know what the standard is, but that's.

[B]

That sounds.

[A]

I've seen.

[B]

I've seen a three rat. I've seen a three and a four.

[A]

Rat, but we got a six ratter here. Things like a fight in maraca.

[C]

Who is sleeping after that?

[A]

Oh, I'd Sleep.

[C]

You'd be able to sleep in the bed the next night more than ever.

[A]

Dave, you're forgetting this is how they live in Australia every day. Christ, you see the size of that spider? Well, good night, Martha.

[B]

And they dispatched. They dispatched the snake. So you were free.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You're waiting on the next one. So you got at least a week until the next rattler show dispatched it.

[A]

You go over there.

[C]

Australia. In Australia, they're like, are there enough snakes in your bed?

[A]

Yeah. You want to snake in your toilet. It's. It's what eats the sheep. Dive, flush. Let the snake eat it all.

[C]

All right, last one.

[A]

All right.

[C]

The highest descent of Mount Blanc. Mr. Walford, a Cambridge, England, From England student, has made the highest ascent of Mount Blanc this year. He was determined, he said, to go higher than. I don't know what that is. What's M, L, L, E? Dot?

[B]

Yeah, maybe, My Lord.

[A]

Strange to be like, I'm gonna go higher than any woman on this mountain. They're not allowed to climb it. Especially, you see.

[B]

Especially because it's named after a pen.

[A]

Yes. Pen Mountain.

[C]

All right. So you've heard of the Fountain pen?

[A]

Well, I got you one better.

[C]

We'll say Mademoiselle. Mademoiselle de Ogville, who went up last summer and therefore went on the summit, was lifted upon the shoulders of his guide, who in like manner, was lifted upon the shoulders of his companions. No Mr. W. In this manner succeed in amounting higher than any of the visitors to Mount Blanc.

[B]

I feel that that is not. Not a viable way to top them out.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

It's like, can I get on my. Could I get on me friend?

[A]

Can you imagine saying that to your Sherpa? All right, put me on your shoulders now, Jerry. Lift us both.

[B]

I'm taking credit. I'm taking credit, but you're gonna take me up there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I gave you 35 cents.

[A]

Lift me up. Toss me, boys. On the count of three, we all jump.

[C]

I know there's no oxygen, but now's a good time to just put me up on your shoulders.

[A]

All right? I'm gonna get on Ralph's.

[B]

That does show some sort of entitlement there.

[A]

Yeah, that guy. To be the one who's like, yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Thank you. Oh, Christ. Well, there you go. Michael, I don't know what to tell you. I mean, that's. This is eight. Thank you for knowing the supper arrangement more than any. Any of our previous guests.

[B]

Oh, yeah. It's a very bizarre situation.

[A]

What book were you reading?

[B]

I was reading Ghost stories, sure. And there's just a lot of ghost stories from the mid-1800s. And they're always talking about, I dressed for dinner and I supped with, you know, Caroline St. Clair. So.

[A]

And then there's a ghost.

[B]

And then there's a ghost.

[A]

And then. And then there was a ghost.

[B]

It was unsettling.

[A]

Yeah, of course. Well, thank you, dog.

[B]

Thank you for having me.

[A]

You are the greatest. People can listen to a gaggle of red flags or sad songs to get sad to wherever people stream or get music. What is your preferred way people would. Would get this? Just buy the album. Is that number one?

[B]

Buy the album, but buy the album. That seems to be something from another time. Like these newspapers.

[A]

Don't let them know. Don't let them know. Don't let them know.

[B]

Yeah, it's only available for.

[A]

Only available for purchase. Don't be jerks. Give Mike.

[C]

Yes. Yeah. No, stream it so the artist doesn't make any money and it all goes to a corporation. Do that.

[B]

No, I think that that's for the best and at least heard it.

[A]

Yeah, well, who's gonna not build the parks if we don't give the corporations all the money?

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Thank you. You.

[B]

You rest your case.

[A]

Thank you, Michael.

[B]

Thank you for having me. Thanks for so much for letting me be on.

[A]

We love you. You'll come back. Thank you, Doug.

[B]

All right.

[C]

And as we do with all of our guests at the end, you're fired.

[B]

Thank you very much. I look forward to that.

[A]

Some of these days. You'll miss me, honey. Some of these days. Hey, dollop fans, I know you love the dollop. You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five parter animation, which is actually like a 22 minute episode or 30 minute episode, I can't remember, of the rube, you can go to LakeSide Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the rube. It. It really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one, so go there and watch the rube.