141 - The Past Times with Dorian Debose

Summary

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The Dollop: The Past Times with Dorian DeBose

Episode 141 | September 5, 2025
Hosts: Dave Anthony, Gareth Reynolds
Guest: Dorian DeBose

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Main Theme / Purpose

In this episode of "The Past Times," comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds are joined by Dorian DeBose for their signature deep-dive into history, using a randomly selected 1902 edition of the "McMinnville News" from Oregon as their comedic springboard. The trio riff on odd, dark, and surreal moments from America's past as reflected in century-old local news, using their discovery to fuel hilarious tangents on class, culture, and modern parallels.

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1. Guest Introduction & Banter (02:33-05:33)

• Welcoming Dorian DeBose
  • Dorian makes his third appearance, prompting Gareth to joke about him taking over as co-host.
  • Discussion of Dorian’s move from Kansas City to New York and his live show “Evil Shark Tank,” where comedians pitch satirical “evil” business ideas.
• Notable Quote:
  • “We had somebody bring in a white nationalist American Girl doll, which is just American Girl.” – Dorian (04:37)

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2. Guess the Year and Setting the Scene (05:33-08:38)

• The hosts challenge Dorian to guess the year of a randomly selected newspaper.
  • Dorian: 1897
  • Gareth: 1909
  • Year Revealed: 1902 (Dorian wins)
• Playful banter about the show’s rules: “You can’t go over in this game, as we’ve said many times.” – Dave (06:46)
• Riff on Ireland, race, and the latest social media trends regarding Black and ginger solidarity.
• Memorable Exchange:
  • “Are we now on Merch allowed to say a podcast hosted by three black men?” – Gareth (08:26)

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3. Small Town America, Population & Geography (08:38-12:07)

• Introduction to McMinnville, Oregon; the trio speculate on its existence and joke about small towns being “gotten rid of.”
• Tangent about the “whitest states in America” sparked by a discussion of Alaska’s demographics.
• Notable Quote:
  • “When you go to Anchorage and I was genuinely… I was like, this is—it’s white. It’s white.” – Gareth (10:43)

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4. Sensational 1902 News — Dynamite Suicide Confession (12:07-16:10)

• Headline: "Schoolboys today found a written confession purported to have been made by the unknown suicide who Friday blew his head off with dynamite."
• Trio reacts with shock, finding absurdity and horror in the news:
  • “That’s not—that—you’re not gonna miss. You’re not gonna wake up in the hospital. Dynamite…” – Dave (12:31)
• The confession reveals the suicide’s guilt in an 1894 murder, which led to wrongful conviction of another man.
• The comedians joke about the “American-ness” of a dynamite suicide.
  • “It’s so over the top. That’s—very American.” – Dorian (14:24)
• Observations on the justice system, “20-year murder sentence—those are the days.”

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5. The Dead Letter Office – Postal Chaos (18:03-24:08)

• Article about unclaimed and misaddressed mail—millions of dead letters, many containing cash, stamps, and valuable papers.
• Gareth proposes a “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” sweepstakes to open dead letters (19:27), to much approval.
• Discussion of the sheer scale of misdirected mail and rampant opportunities for pilfering.
• Notable Quote:
  • “If you ever get in this… You gotta do it faster. You have no choice. It’s like Dance Dance Revolution.” – Gareth (50:14 referring to dancing at gunpoint, but echoes this section’s absurdity)

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6. Gilded Age Philanthropy – Carnegie and Riches (24:08-27:01, 56:20-58:08)

• Tangent about Andrew Carnegie, industrialists’ “philanthropy,” and how giving tiny sums won immense praise.
• Dorian recounts reading Carnegie's Wikipedia controversies, observing how he repeatedly fled the country during crises.
• Philosophical notes on the illusion of generosity from the ultra-rich, comparisons to Jeff Bezos.

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7. International Incident – The Miracle of the Flags (32:39-40:59)

• Story about an American sailor in Chile sentenced to death for knocking down a policeman, supposedly saved at the last second by the British and American consuls physically wrapping him in both flags.
• Trio calls out the clear apocryphal vibes:
  • “The story is absolute bullshit.” – Dave (38:12)
  • Jokes about this being the fantasy of flag-waving nationalists.

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8. Class Satire: Royals, Groceries, and Out-of-Touchness (40:59-44:01)

• Tangent comparing rich Americans and British royalty’s disconnection from daily life.
• Gareth recounts George Bush’s infamous “laser scanner” grocery incident.
• Wonders whether King Charles wipes his own ass or brushes his own teeth: “Even if I was rich... I'd be like, hey, I'll brush my teeth. Stop it.” – Gareth (40:59-41:05)

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9. Oregon Frontier Antics – Dances at Gunpoint (45:08-54:32)

• Wild local news story: A series of dog poisonings leads to one neighbor making another dance a clog at gunpoint across the prairie, ultimately extracting a $75 IOU.
• The comedians riff on this escalating farce, imagining the dynamics of gunpoint clog-dancing and how a modern-day equivalent would spin out.
• “He brought him all the way to his own house? ...The method of transportation does not have a plan.” – Dave (52:13-52:22)
• Legal comedy: The wronged dancer sues, leading Dorian to dub it “a total Drake move.”

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10. Cheese Factories and Town Aspirations (66:42-67:59)

• Brief, absurd article: Wilhelmina, Oregon will soon get a creamery and cheese factory, then all it needs for town status is a drugstore, doctor, and lawyer.
• Trio mock the optimism:
  • “All I need is biceps, chest muscles, abs, better lower body, core strength, and another 4 inches and I could be a bodybuilder now.” – Gareth (67:27)
• Extended riffing on “almost-a-town” logic and personal analogies (almost having a car, being almost a fish etc.)

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11. Additional Noteworthy Segments

• Telegraphists’ Paralysis (62:01-66:36):
  Early form of carpal tunnel from repetitive telegraph key motion, sparking a series of increasingly absurd masturbation jokes, culminating in the group recognizing Gareth as “a charity masturbator.”

• Octopus Cities (44:46-45:03):
  Dorian exults in the rise of future octopus civilizations:

  • “I hope the octopus culture that comes after us learns from this.” – Dorian (44:01)

• Disqualifying for Kingship (59:35-61:24):
  Story from the Book of Judges about maiming kings, prompting a comic auction about which finger the hosts would be willing to lose.

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12. Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “That’s not shocking and yet so horrible.” – Gareth, discussing the king disqualification story (60:23)
• “The philanthropy he's doing is really impactful and super important. I'm glad to support it every day. Every other billionaire should die.” – Dorian (57:58)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Guess the Year Game: 05:33–06:43
• Dynamite Suicide Confession: 12:07–16:10
• Dead Letter Office / Postal Mishaps: 18:03–24:08
• Gilded Age Philanthropy: 24:08–27:01; 56:20–58:08
• International Flag Rescue Story: 32:39–40:59
• Class Satire Conversation: 40:59–44:01
• Octopus Cities/Economic Fatalism: 44:46–45:03
• Prairie Gunpoint Dancing: 45:08–54:32
• Cheese Factory Town: 66:42–67:59

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Conclusion

Dorian DeBose brings energy and sharp perspective to the episode, sparking comedic chemistry over the recurring absurdity and dark hilarity of historical news. The episode is full of playful race and class banter, riffs on the American justice system, and endless metaphors for American ambition and mismanagement. The trio wring every ounce of humor from Gilded Age philanthropy, lost mail, prairie justice, and the chasm between rich and poor—proving the past is rarely less weird than the present.

Dorian’s parting praise:
“Honestly, the kind of dancing that if I saw probably wouldn’t shoot you, if I’m being honest. And that’s a high compliment.” – Gareth (68:13)

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Find Dorian:

• Instagram: @verbose_dubose
• Evil Shark Tank info: see Dorian's socials

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Transcript

[A]

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[A]

All right, everybody, welcome to the Past Times podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds and. And I've never seen it before. And neither is our guest this week, the great Dorian DeBose. Dorian, welcome back.

[C]

It's good to be back.

[A]

Third life. Fourth.

[C]

It's my third time here.

[A]

Third. This means you're in. Dad, I don't mean to. You're in. You're in the mix, Dorian. For next host of this show, we're looking to replace Dave.

[B]

You're profit sharing.

[A]

You profit sharing that right? No.

[B]

Sorry.

[A]

Yeah. Dave Anthony Jr. Be great.

[C]

I can't.

[A]

Of course. Well, thanks for joining us, Dorian. You're in New York. I met you in Kansas City very randomly.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You met me on my home club.

[A]

I met you at your home club, the comedy club of Kansas City, which is great. Do you go back there?

[C]

I need to go back more. I just got a real ID so I can finally fly again, but I gotta. I gotta go back home.

[A]

That's hilarious that. That's what's holding you up.

[C]

Because it's a. It's a long drive. And also, like, it's a long drive to go stay on my mama's couch.

[A]

Yeah, I've been on your mama's couch. Sorry about that, but. But no great club. And then now you're in New York, you have a couple shows. You do, but the one that we were enamored with the last time you were on is Evil Shark Tank. And people can find information at Verbose dubose db O S E, which is your Instagram. But that show is. People come out and pitch you up stuff on Shark Tank.

[C]

Basically, yeah. Like, we have people come in and pitch their evil business ideas to a group of evil business tycoons. It's a really fun live show. This last one, we had people pitching, like, products, people pitching services. Like, we had somebody bring in a white nationalist American Girl doll, which is just American Girl.

[A]

Yeah, I was going to say, doesn't seem crazy.

[C]

Now, another person pitch Better Help conversion therapy, which. Very fun.

[A]

Thankfully, we're the only podcast that has never been sponsored by Better Help on.

[C]

Purpose, so maybe this will change.

[A]

It'll be great. They're. I'll tell you what, they. Nothing makes Better Health thirstier than saying you reject them because.

[B]

Oh, my God, do they. Do they want. Oh, my God.

[A]

They are looking too full. Holy.

[B]

Yeah, we could have bought a house.

[A]

Oh, but, God, the guilt. The guilt would have gotten us in better health. And then we were just sort of saying before, it could be a podcast, so maybe it'll turn it into a podcast. Who knows? You should have one. You know that?

[C]

Yeah, Watch. Watch this space. We're gonna. We're doing something big. We don't know what it's gonna be, but it's gonna be something.

[A]

Okay. All right. So people can follow you there. Well, Dorian, I don't mean to be all business as I get, but you know what we're gonna do here? We're gonna go through this newspaper now. We're gonna guess what year this paper is from. You have no clues. Dave will say you win no matter how far away you are from it.

[B]

What's going on?

[A]

So just guess the year and you'll win. But I'm still gonna guess because I have a connection to some people in the audience. Dave's light just went out, so we buy. You know, some people in the audience like to know that I know what I'm doing. But. But just guess a year, Dorian, I'm.

[C]

Giving you a lot of bullshit.

[A]

I'm sorry.

[C]

I'm feeling 1897.

[A]

It's great guess. Great guess. It's a great guess, right? Don't think you're far off, to be quite honest with you. But I'll go. I'll go 1909, just to keep it spicy.

[B]

Dorian wins easily. It is 1902.

[C]

Oh, that really is a split, that.

[A]

Yeah, but it doesn't matter.

[B]

No, no, because Dorian was under and you can't go over in this game, as we've said many times.

[A]

But no, but you've seen. But no, people have gone over and you've said that they've won. When I've been closer.

[C]

We're blackjack rules. Because I'm a black.

[A]

I'm not. I don't see race. So I'm not even gonna do that. I'm. I don't know if our listeners don't. I'm black.

[C]

So there is a coalition between black people and gingers.

[A]

I. Man, you know what? I gotta tell you, when that tick tock trend started cooking, I was like, I'm listening. Come to daddy.

[C]

Cloth. Walk around on.

[A]

And I Pelosi all over town. Well, what do you think? I mean, how. Okay, as. As a black man, what am I like? Dave's obviously just a white piece of. But, yeah, there's no question I'm close. You and I are closer. Right. Than we were a year ago? Based on the tick tock research I've seen.

[C]

Yeah, I. We learned that we were cousins, basically.

[A]

Yep. Thank you. All right, Dave.

[C]

Cousins, basically.

[A]

Fuck you, whitey. All right, let's party. Dave, Dorian and I are.

[B]

Jesus Christ. I'm fucking.

[A]

Shut up.

[B]

White, mostly. Ir. Come on.

[A]

Shut up. That's so pathetic. That you're trying to align with us.

[C]

I feel like the Irish are kind of black. This is disappointing. Three black men. I'm sorry.

[A]

He really just took all the fun out of what I had going with you, honestly. But. All right, fine. But we. Are we now on Merch allowed to say a podcast hosted by three black men?

[C]

Please.

[A]

Fucking awesome. All right, here we go. Dave, where are we going?

[B]

It is the McMinnville News from McMinnville, Oregon. January 15, 1902.

[A]

We definitely got rid of this town, obviously, right?

[B]

I mean, I've never heard of it. Yeah, I love towns that we get rid of. Let's look it up. But I. I like when a town just no longer exists.

[A]

But yeah, it just doesn't make the COVID Sorry. We're good.

[B]

See, it's the county seat of the most populous city in Yam Hill, Oregon. Yam Hill, Yamhill County, Oregon. So population. The city, oh, had a population of 20,000. Yeah. So it's a. Oh, population 35,000. So there's actual. Yeah, it's a place.

[A]

So happy to hear that it's growing.

[C]

I like to hear a good old fashioned American story.

[A]

Oh, man, that's right. Hold on tight, because I'm sure this.

[C]

Newspaper is all about growth and prosperity.

[A]

Oh, yeah. This is going to be a feel good paper for sure.

[C]

We have. We have a railroad now.

[A]

Well, by the way, Oregon is the whitest state, David.

[B]

Yeah, I think so. It's very up there. Yeah.

[A]

The three of us, I would think.

[B]

Or I would think Alaska would be. But oh, my God.

[A]

I went. I went to Alaska not too long ago, and I was astounded by two things. The whiteness and the fact that it felt like it was still 1991 there. It was genuinely. I was like. It was like. You know when, like, your, your phone, like, forces you to do an update? It feels like Alaska's just been ignoring an Update for like 30 years.

[C]

It's like the cold makes the time go slower.

[A]

Yeah, they're a little frozen. They're like, coming along slowly, you know, they're just like. They just got like, like AOL discs. They're like, we can finally get some Internet.

[C]

I thought there were people of color up there. I thought there was still a lot of Native, like, American folks up there.

[A]

Well, yeah, you're right. You're right. They're. They're. Yes, but when you go to the city, like, I was in Anchorage and I was genuinely. I was like, this is. It's white. It's white.

[B]

Okay, so the white.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Yeah. Alaska's not close. I was totally wrong. I. I just. I just assumed there would be less. Yeah, it's Maine, Vermont, West Virginia, New Hampshire, Wyoming, Iowa. Yeah, there you go.

[C]

Iowa.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I was really white. Yeah, it's.

[A]

I.

[B]

That's why it shouldn't be the first.

[C]

State to vote more.

[B]

Yeah, It's. It's. It's 89.8% white.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Why don't we let them vote in the primaries?

[B]

They shouldn't.

[C]

Why do we let them decide our country's fate?

[B]

It's crazy.

[A]

Well, but let's be fair. We don't do primaries anymore, so it's pretty irrelevant. No.

[C]

Yeah, we're done with elections, period. So the.

[A]

So it's kind of like fun little.

[C]

Relic of the past.

[A]

Yeah. So it's kind of. Let them. Let them enjoy their cosplay.

[B]

Okay, this is, by the way, McMinnville is between Portland and the Chinook Casino on the coast. So it's right halfway in between.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Schoolboys today found a written confession purported to have been made by the unknown suicide who Friday blew his head off with dynamite.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I mean, that's a suicide.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Dynamite.

[A]

I really didn't know.

[B]

That's. That's not that you're not gonna miss. You're not. You're not gonna. You're not gonna be like, wake up in the hospital. You're not going to hold. Wake up in the hospital. Like, oh, that didn't work. Dynamite.

[C]

It's got to work.

[B]

Yeah, you're gone.

[A]

Amazing. If it didn't, though, and that means.

[C]

You really wanted to end it, because it's not like a gun. You don't press it, and then it fires. You lit it and then you held it, and you. You had to think the.

[A]

The guts to hold the lit dynamite to your head. It's a hard. It's a harder one because the. The gun is like it. It's like you. Yeah, you pull the trigger. It's. You've got to hold like you're hearing, like the.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Right, right. That's some.

[B]

What was that?

[C]

That's a man with conviction.

[A]

That was a wick.

[C]

Do they know why?

[A]

Oh, do they know why?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

The note unfortunately exploded.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

So school books found a confession in which he confesses to having murdered H. Garrison, a wouldbe island rancher, in 1894. Oh, so he killed someone eight years ago, and then.

[A]

So he took his own life because.

[C]

With dynamite.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

From the top.

[A]

Wily Coyote.

[C]

Sorry. His anvil didn't get there on time.

[A]

Yeah, he tried to jump up but didn't look down, so he couldn't do it. That is nuts. That is nuts. And then schoolboys find the confession of the self Dynamiter.

[B]

At least they didn't find the body of the self Dynamite. Or that would be worse.

[A]

How could you? He was all pieced out.

[C]

Whatever happened to, like, sepaku or like, something this much quieter?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

That was. No, I mean, that's. It's. I mean, it's very America.

[C]

It's so over the top, that.

[A]

Very American.

[C]

A little patriotic.

[A]

Yeah, that's kind of like. It's kind of awesome. It's kind of my new way to go, honestly. Except I would go jogging. I would go running. You know what?

[B]

I get that.

[A]

I'd light it and I would jump off a building. Drop pop. Yeah, that's what I do. Like a seagull that ate Alka Seltzer.

[B]

Couldn't you see?

[C]

Do a flip, though.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, totally. Multiple flips.

[C]

I'm doing a 720 and I'm sticking the landing.

[A]

If you want to dive it, like the second your feet at the ground, you. Oh, my God.

[B]

Garrison's body was found in a well in a mutilated condition, nearly two years after the crime was committed. Oh, so he killed himself in 1896. And they found the body. They just found the confession.

[A]

Oh, and then they were like, oh, let's go check this. Well.

[B]

No, they had already found the body.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

And they just found the letter.

[C]

Did he kill himself in 1902 or did he kill himself?

[B]

He killed. He killed. He. He murdered the guy in 1894. He killed himself two years later. And then they found the letter six years later.

[C]

Oh, I thought it was saying that he killed himself in 1902. They found the body in 1986. 1996. 86.

[A]

There's not much left, Sarge.

[C]

They just find a bone in a well. This must be the guy who dynamited himself.

[A]

Pretty sure this is the dynamite body.

[B]

Oh, the plot thickens. Walter Irving, the murdered man's former farmhand, was arrested and convicted of the crime and sentenced to 20 years.

[C]

Oh, first of all, he didn't commit.

[A]

A crime he didn't commit. And also, gotta love that 20 year murder sentence. Those are the days. Those are the days, man. Murder. 20 years.

[C]

Have a life.

[A]

I mean, really. I mean, I. I remember when I used to work construction. I one day might. This jacked dude and I were breaking, like, basically Demolishing a veranda. And we were standing there and he said to me, he goes, he goes, I really never asked any follow up questions. It was one of those things where I worked with him for like two days and we were getting along fine. And he goes, somehow jail came up. And he goes, oh man, I went to jail once. And I go, for what? And he goes, murder. And I was like, all right. I was like, okie dokie. I wasn't like, how did you get out? I was like, if you want to tell me stuff, go for it. Otherwise I'm good to not talk any further about what happened back there. Yep, okie dokie, sir. I was like, sure.

[B]

Wow. Wow.

[A]

Murder.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All righty. I'll start carrying some of the debris out, mister.

[C]

Anyway, we have scaffolding to do, sir.

[A]

Well, I think we should probably get some. Oh my God.

[C]

Did you know the victim? Actually, I don't want to know.

[A]

It doesn't matter.

[C]

Don't tell me.

[A]

It's all good.

[B]

There's a guy. It's a guy I work with.

[A]

Same I murdered. My first one was a murder.

[B]

The annual report of the superintendent of the dead letter office shows that people have not become less careless in using the mail as a means of forwarding valuables and letters.

[A]

Now see, I'm going to put an article. If I'm the editor, I'm putting an article in between the guy who took his own life with dynamite and a letter being found and this article about dead letters. Because I worry that there's a little too much of a tie in that. People are like, wait, he mailed a dead letter?

[C]

I think the editor thought he was being so cute.

[A]

Yeah, maybe. Yeah.

[C]

He was like, yeah. People letters.

[A]

It's called a segue, gentlemen.

[C]

People are stealing necklaces.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

During the last year, the dead letter office received nearly 6 million unclaimed letters. Of these, 87, 852 were dropped into the post office. Was that without any address at all?

[A]

Okay, if you're the post office.

[C]

Can.

[B]

You get this to Bob?

[C]

You'll find them. How many John Smith could there be?

[A]

Tall guy, weird hand. Find him.

[C]

He lives out west. You'll know.

[A]

Yeah, everyone knows him. Not knowing how addresses work back then, being like blown away by the mail, being like, I can't believe they're gonna get it to Tony that easily. But here's what you do if you're the post office in this time and you've got all the. What you do is like you hold a competition and you, Charlie and The chocolate Factory. It. Where 40 people get to come down and open 100 letters each, and that's it. You just go, yeah, it's just. It's a fun giveaway.

[B]

That's a good idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. The number of letters reaching.

[A]

I think this is as. I think this is the best. Anything I've ever said has gone on a podcast.

[B]

I think you're right.

[A]

I don't think any. I don't think two people have ever been that receptive to something that I've said.

[C]

No, I like the idea of opening other people's mail, Gareth. That really. That's my. That's my speed.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

My mom is a postal worker, and she's like, we really can't do that. I'm like, let me.

[B]

Come on, give it a shot.

[C]

Who's gonna know?

[B]

Who's gonna.

[A]

Honestly, who's gonna know?

[C]

I'll lick it shut. They won't even know.

[A]

Your mom's like, look, Dory, the relic never works. Trust me, I've tried. They could tell. It's got that old envelope dust on it.

[C]

Oh, come on. They won't know.

[A]

But, you know, like, the envelope technology, like when you accidentally seal something and they're like, I gotta put one more thing in there. And then you open it, you're like, you only get one crack.

[C]

It's so impossible.

[A]

You only get one crack.

[B]

I remember. I feel like it was ipods or something. But a long time ago, when they. They first started, like, you could order them online, it was like 30% weren't reaching their destination.

[A]

Oh, wow. Really?

[B]

It's like this crazy amount.

[A]

I mean. Yeah, I guess if you're going to open one, you know, go for it.

[B]

Yeah. The number of letters reaching the dead letter office, which contained money, was 47,000. And the amount of money enclosed aggregated $42,854.

[C]

What was that a lot of money?

[B]

Yeah, that's a lot of money.

[A]

That's good money.

[B]

Yeah, that's like, back. That's like. It's got to be 10 times that.

[A]

I would imagine thousand dollars. In Today's.

[B]

It's like 43,000.

[A]

It's about what, you know. What's gonna be funny is, like, as things get worse, eventually we won't need to do those conversions anymore. We'll be, like, about the same. It'd be 50 grand.

[C]

In today's money, it's about $1,600,000.

[A]

That's why you do the giveaway.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Get him down. There with the golden ticket.

[B]

While 175,000 letters received at the Dead Letter Office contained postage stamps, 39,000 contained drafts, notes, and other valuable papers with a face value of 1,178,000. That is the grand total. That's crazy. The grand total of letters, parcels, et cetera, opened at the Dead Letter Office because of no other means of determining for whom they were destined or by whom they were sent was 7,663,751. That's a lot, man.

[A]

So what do they do with them?

[B]

Well, what do you mean? The letters. They're just opening them because they're going to try to figure out who it's actually supposed to go to.

[A]

That job is horrible.

[B]

I own a house. What are you talking about? Like, I'm just putting money in my pocket all the time.

[C]

Oh, 100%.

[A]

Yeah. But also, if you're like. If you're actually tasked with trying to locate where these things are supposed to go, you're like, this is so stupid. Hi, Barbara. I just wanted to check in and see how your new balls are doing.

[C]

Oklahoma just became a state and now I have to take something there. That's.

[A]

Honestly, I do think it'll be fun.

[C]

To get a time machine and just go back in time and just have so much money.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[C]

What's in my bank account right now is like, okay, back then, it's different.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Back then you're like, you're royalty. You're Carnegie. Yeah. I mean, you literally would. Like, that would be. We just did a dollop episode the other night on a guy who bait. Like, you basically were just like, I own a city now. Like, if you just struck at the right time.

[C]

I was literally reading about Andrew Carnegie yesterday on, like, the train. And like, he kind of. That. They kind of just did that with him in Pittsburgh. Like, he just bought so much philanthropy there. They were just like, yeah, I guess. I guess you're the guy now.

[A]

No, they. It's also. It's so funny the way. Well, first of all, like, even thinking of it as philanthropic is funny. But. But in today's terms, they were incredibly giving. But even back then, it was like, it was pittance. I mean, they were just making money hand over fist. And then they'd just be like, I got everyone a party sub. And people be like, he's a hero.

[C]

It's interesting because, like, you read what Carnegie did and you're like, wow. It kind. Because Carnegie was more about it than, like, even, like, Bill Gates is now oh, yeah. But then you read what everyone else was doing, and you're like, oh, I see why they thought Carnegie was a hero. The rest of you were like monsters.

[A]

Yeah, well, they were, like, competitively. I mean, I think they used to just be, like, more aware that. That people were going to try to kill them. Right. Dave, like, was that part.

[C]

He famously left the country because he knew there was about to be, like, a strike, and he was like, well, somebody else is gonna have to take the fall for this because I'm in Scotland.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

Yeah. That was. Yeah, we did. I did an episode on the South Fork. I can't even remember the name of it. Fishing and hunting club.

[B]

Oh, the Pittsburgh. Yeah.

[A]

And it was like that. He was like. He was just in Scotland when it was like the greatest flood of all time had taken place, and he just was like, I'll just be in France and Scotland for a little while.

[C]

For, like, there's, like, several different occasions where, like, if you look in the controversy section of his, like, Wikipedia, he's like, mysteriously in Scotland. Like, something horrific happens, and I'm like, mysteriously. Yeah, we know.

[A]

Yeah, we know.

[C]

But then he built that town a library, so it's fine.

[A]

Yeah. Then they'd be able to be like, what an awesome guy. No, that's what people get on. Like, Jeff Bezos. Well, look, I'm not saying he's the best guy in the world, but he gave $500,000 to, like. You're like, you dumb idiot. Idiot.

[C]

What amount of money did Jeff Bezos give you where you'd be a fan?

[A]

Give me. I. Well, now, this is just up. Now I'm like a piece of. I am Gareth.

[C]

He might be listening to this. This could change your life.

[A]

Oh, if he is. I don't know. I mean, Yeah, I was gonna say 5. If he gave me 5 million, I'd be like, I'll stop talking about you. That's the problem. The problem is if you finally, like, every time we send someone to be our voice inside of the club, they get inside the club and they're like, club is pretty cool. And you're like, no, no, no, no. The whole deal. The whole deal.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

No, we gotta have the club inside the club. But also, they should let me in the club like, one time before they shut down the club.

[B]

Yeah, that's right.

[A]

I don't know if the clubs ever get shut down. I'm sorry. I'm depressing. Hey, yeah.

[B]

The dollop is brought to you by mood, not just, like, moods. Yeah, they don't. Moods don't have sponsors. Now we're talking about Mood.

[A]

Correct.

[B]

Online cannabis company revolutionizing how we deal with life's challenges. You know, you got sleepless nights, can't sleep a little bit. You got stress filled days, you're a little bit freaking out on. On edge. How about a little mood, Gareth?

[A]

Take it. Enjoy it.

[B]

Mood. Mood.com has created an entire line of functional gummies that target specific health concerns with 100 federally legal THC blends. They deliver them discreetly right to your doorstep. That's right, discreetly.

[A]

Oh yeah. You don't even know this person's been there.

[B]

No, no one walks up and screams, there's stuff in here.

[A]

Just there. It's like Santa.

[B]

That's right. And you can get 20% off your first [e-mail] with promo code dollop. Yeah, they got gummies, they got everything in. It's the, it's the stuff, it's the gummy.

[A]

Way to go. Big fan, big fan.

[B]

Totally. You got sleepy time gummies that'll put you.

[A]

Sleepy time gummies are so helpful. Yeah, I can't. Yeah, many people struggle with sleep. Get a sleepy time gummy.

[B]

What makes these different is how they've paired THC and other cannabinoids, which is a word that you're comfortable with. Herbs and adaptogens. You're not just going to find gummies like this in a dispensary or really anywhere for that matter.

[A]

Special stuff.

[B]

And they have gummies for literally everything. I mean, support menopause, relief, PMS symptoms, mental clarity, sexual arousal.

[C]

Oh boy.

[B]

But you can get that from just listening to my voice. And each one tested using federally legal cannabis, grown on small family owned American farms. No pesticides, no BS. And they can ship to most states in the U.S. best of all, not only does Mood stand behind everything with an industry leading 100 day satisfaction guarantee, but listeners get 20% off their first order with code DOLLOP. Head to mood.com, browse their amazing selection of functional gummies and find the perfect gummy for whatever you're dealing with. And remember to use promo code dollop at checkout to save 20% on your first order. Yeah, the dollop is brought to you by Mood. Not just like Moods, because they don't. Moods don't have sponsors. No, we're talking about Mood.

[A]

Correct.

[B]

Online cannabis company revolutionizing how we deal with life's challenges. You know, you got sleepless nights, can't sleep a little bit, you got stress filled days, you're a little Bit freaking out on. On edge. How about a little mood? Gareth?

[A]

Take it. Enjoy it.

[B]

Mood. Mood.com has created an entire line of functional gummies that target specific health concerns with 100% federally legal THC blends that deliver them discreetly right to your doorstep. That's rightly.

[A]

Oh yeah. You don't even know this person's been there.

[B]

No. No one walks up and screams, there's stuff in here.

[A]

Just there. It's like Santa.

[B]

That's right. And you can get 20 off your first [e-mail] with promo code dollop. Yeah, they got gummies. They got everything. It's the. It's the stuff. It's the gummy.

[A]

Way to go. Big fan. Big fan.

[B]

Totally. You got sleepy time gummies that'll put you.

[A]

Sleepy time gummies are so helpful. Yeah, I can't. Yeah, many people struggle with sleep. Get a sleepy time gummy.

[B]

What makes these different is how they've paired THC and other canna benoids, which is a word that you're comfortable with. Herbs and adaptogens. You. You're not just going to find gummies like this in a dispensary or really anywhere for that matter.

[A]

Special stuff.

[B]

And they have gummies for literally everything. Immune support, menopause relief, PMS symptoms, mental clarity, sexual arousal.

[C]

Oh boy.

[B]

But you can get that from just listening to my voice. And each one acted using federally legal cannabis grown on small family owned American farms. No pesticides, no BS. And they can ship to most states in the U.S. best of all, not only does Mood stand behind everything with an industry leading 100 day satisfaction guarantee, but listeners get 20% off their first order with code DOLLOP. Head to mood.com, browse their amazing selection of functional gummies and find the perfect gummy for whatever you're dealing with. And remember to use promo code dollop at checkout to save 20% on your first order. English console saves the life of an American sailor. In recalling incidents of international courtesy when British and Americans have supported each other, a writer in the Boston Transcript tells the following story which came from an American sailor who had landed a port in Chile. The men had gone ashore and become somewhat hilarious as one of the police officers. What does that mean?

[A]

I love. I just love. I love when terms have changed. They were somewhat hilarious. Like they were like they were doing impressions that were quite spot on. No, like went there and they were hysterical is what it means.

[B]

And one of the police officers, instead of.

[A]

Wait, what?

[C]

I think they were doing improv over there. The men came to School are doing a Harrod.

[A]

Yes. And that's why this dump has finally accepted an intern. A droll premise if I've ever heard one.

[B]

Instead of warning him not to make a noise in the street, drew his sword and knocked him down.

[A]

Okay, so that's how you do it.

[B]

So a guy went crazy and one of the cops pulled his sword and knocked him down. And the American got up and promptly knocked the policeman down in return.

[C]

Man, solidarity with my down in Chile.

[B]

Yeah, that's right.

[C]

Stand your ground, son. I love it. I'm about it. We doing our thing. Yeah, we doing our thing down there.

[B]

And then, as expected, he. As expected, he was arrested, tried, and condemned to be shot the next morning. Who?

[A]

The guy. Oh, me.

[B]

The guy who knocked the cop down. They're like, yo, you're dying.

[A]

Me just never ends. I didn't know ACAB was also. I mean, ACAB spans space and time.

[C]

A cab in 1902.

[A]

I mean, it's literally everywhere, forever.

[C]

I don't even know Chile was a country yet, but the police were already.

[A]

No, and even before, like, cops, it was like a cab. Still holds. It's just a different version.

[C]

You're out on like the Mesopotamia and like you just look out and see, like some cop looking dude. Oh, yeah, I can tell.

[A]

Here we go. He's got a mustache. Yeah. Therehere we are.

[B]

Mr. Lauren, the American Consul expost. Expostulated with the authorities saying. Not a word, saying that it would be monstrous to put a man to death for such an offense. But they paid no attention to him.

[A]

And on the day specified effort, all he did was kill a cop.

[B]

He didn't kill a cop.

[A]

Well, I mean, he.

[C]

That might as well be killing him.

[A]

He punched a cop. Yeah.

[C]

You knocked a cop over?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

That's murder.

[A]

Yeah, I think they are for sure.

[B]

I see. I keep seeing him getting deceptive. I keep seeing him getting taken down by fentanyl.

[A]

The only thing to knock a cop down.

[C]

Kilometer radius of fentanyl. And all of a sudden they just die immediately.

[B]

Like kryptonite and Superman.

[A]

Oh, man, it's so funny. Oh, no. I grow weak. There must be fentanyl nearby. Their powers of racism and brutality grow weaker. I can't kill the innocent right now. We're from the planet Fenton.

[B]

On the day specified, the sale was brought out and pinioned for rating this for execution.

[A]

So many words. Okay, pinioned. Okay.

[B]

Now, the English consul preparing to hoist the Union Jack, saw a crowd in the field opposite and realized that the execution was about to take place. And he rushed over to the American console and cried, loring, you're not going to let them shoot that man. What can I do? Was the answer. I protested against it. I can do no more. Give me your flag. Cried the Englishman. And with the two flags in hand, he ran to the field, elbowed his.

[C]

Way through the crowd.

[A]

It's like it's flag fanfic too. It's like this is how it is. This is what, like a merit? Like Dallas guys with Trump trucks think the flag means, like, respect. This flag, sir.

[C]

Like this. This feels like it should be a company with like the most homoerotic AI rendition you've ever thought of.

[A]

Just. It's called the Union Jack. Off.

[C]

Two big muscular men holding each other. Like, this isn't gay. It's masculine.

[A]

It's just flag stuff.

[B]

With two flags in his hand, he ran to the field, elbowed his way through the crowd and soldiery. And reached the prisoner.

[A]

This is like a Kylie Jenner Pepsi commercial.

[C]

Literally. I think it's a one to one recreation. He ran to the crowd and he handed them a Coca Cola with real cocaine in it.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

He folded the American flag about him and laid the Union Jack over it. And he stepped back and faced the officers and soldiery.

[A]

Yeah. So what the do you think that means? What are you doing?

[C]

Shoot if you're there.

[B]

He shouted through the heart of England and America. And the man was not shot.

[A]

What?

[B]

The story is absolute bullshit.

[C]

I've heard a million times.

[A]

Yeah, there's no way. No way.

[C]

And that man's name? Donald Trump.

[A]

Donald J. Trump. Donald Trump. And this for sure happened.

[C]

I'm Donald Trump and I carried the Union Jack across the field.

[A]

Whatever their little gay British flag is. And the stars and bars.

[B]

Trump was on those. You know, Trump is on the White House roof.

[A]

I've ever seen. What do you make of that?

[B]

You know that two years ago the Onion did that exact story? Trump is up on the roof of the White House to distract from whatever they did that exact story.

[A]

It's Epstein drop cover up. Shit. He just walked on the roof.

[C]

A guy can't even hang out on his roof no more.

[A]

How great would it have been if he started barbecuing?

[C]

The guy can't even grill no more. He went up there to grill and y' all was messing with him too much.

[A]

How do you guys like your burgers? Who wants a hot dog?

[C]

It's a nice medium rare. The rarest.

[A]

Just grilling. Donald Trump is on the roof of the White House having a cookout would.

[C]

Have been the most relatable thing he's done in years.

[A]

Truly. That's. That's why he couldn't do it. He would. Like, you're too young to remember this, but when George Bush was president, he goes to the grocery store for a photo op to act regular. Oh, and the cashier is like, scanning him out, and he's like, and what is that? And they were like, what's what? And he's like. I said laser thing. And everyone's like, Mr. President, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck.

[C]

Why is it like a reoccurring thing that Republican presidents do not understand? Groceries.

[A]

Yeah, I don't. They just are unable to, like, it's just so fudgeing.

[B]

Shocking to be rich people never go shopping. Never go shopping for themselves, which is crazy. Maybe their whole life, like the Bushes were riches forever. So he probably never went to a grocery store.

[A]

Well, when you read about, like, King Charles now, the absolute out of fucking touch ness that he. It is. It is on. The guy has never tied his own shoes. He doesn't brush his own teeth. I mean, this is crazy shit.

[B]

Wait, what? He doesn't brush his own teeth.

[A]

Like, he does it. He gets. At minimum, someone hands him the toothbrush with toothpaste on it.

[B]

Wow. Wow.

[A]

Like, even if I was rich, as I would. You know what I mean? I'd be like, hey, I'll get brush my teeth. Stop it.

[C]

I mean, imagine if you've been raised that rich.

[A]

I know, but even then, I think I would still have this. I mean, I think I would still have a compulsion to be like, what are regulars doing? I want to try that version a little bit more.

[B]

So you want that guy to be unemployed?

[C]

Wish I'd have that. But I think if I'd grown up rich enough, I would. I don't even think. I think I wouldn't even take a step. I think I'd be carried everywhere.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I would bring back chariots.

[B]

Well, that was an unexpected turn, I gotta be honest.

[A]

We said it, though. Did sell me on it a little bit.

[C]

Imagine like, you go outside and like, before you even have to step on the ground, there's just like two horses and a horseman waiting for you.

[A]

I don't. Look, I don't. I'm not that. I get. I get that. But it's the brushing the teeth. I would brush my own gut. You know what I mean? I'd like the idea that you'd have to even explain to someone logistically to hit like certain zones of it's nuts or what the fuck, get a sonicare. Like he probably has a weird like horse bristled brush back then.

[C]

You mean it a guy for it. I hate that I'm defending the king, but like they didn't have listen to.

[A]

You such a homer. Do I think he wipes his own ass is a great question. And, and even then Charles wipe his ass.

[B]

I don't like most kids, you know learn to wipe their ass at a certain age. But I bet he was like way older when he learned to wipe his own ass like 10.

[C]

Well never taught him it.

[A]

It sounds like historically through AI the king was. The ass was. Was wiped.

[B]

So it's probably still the same. They probably have an ass wiper there.

[A]

There was an assistant for the Monarch, including toilet.

[C]

Do you think he treated him well?

[A]

Do you think what that's the day.

[C]

Who wiped his ass?

[B]

Well imagine, imagine you gotta call that guy up and be like, hey man, I. I had a big day at the Wing Dome and I ate a lot of wings. I'm gonna need you. I'm gonna need you extra early tomorrow.

[C]

And probably a long day overtime, son.

[A]

There was. There's this other thing where like he groom. I can't even fight that. Like when he goes out on a fox hunt, his hard boiled eggs are supposed to be cooked a very specific way for when he comes back. So someone is cooking hard boiled eggs around like a two hour time span just so once so that. So when he comes back it's perfectly hot and cooked perfectly for him. And so they're just tossing eggs just to like make sure when he comes back he has like four perfect or whatever. It's nuts. Come on. Just begging for overthrownness.

[C]

I hope the octopus culture that comes after us learns from this.

[A]

You really do get to the point where you're like, I'm, look, I'm. I don't want to die, but if I just get to watch them crumble too. Let's go. I'm okay with that. You know what I mean? Like if I just get to watch like if I was burning in a fire with Elon Musk, I'd be like.

[C]

Yeah, I could have burned the fire alone. I took, I took homeboy with me.

[A]

Yeah, whatever it is. I'd be like, you're dying. He'd be like, you're dying too. I'd be like, yeah, but you're dying, you idiot.

[C]

By the way, I'm gonna fall.

[A]

It's like he's on the podcast by.

[B]

The Way the octopi are building cities. They're building. Currently building three cities that they found.

[C]

Let's go.

[B]

Octopi.

[A]

Dorian's like.

[B]

They have the octopus of the world. Are starting to build cities.

[A]

Let's go.

[C]

Where at?

[B]

Still wild in the woolies.

[A]

They have a post office where they just have a bunch of, like, envelopes. This isn't even a town yet.

[B]

Still wild and woolly. Oregon. Man makes another dance a jig to the tune of a sharpshooter. This is the story of a Starkey Prairie resident compelled to dance a clog in the darkness at the point of the gleaming barrel of a neighbor's revolver, while simulated constantly to greater effort by the whistle of bullets past his ears and about his feet. There's.

[A]

Okay, keep going.

[B]

There's been. There's been ill feeling for several weeks on Starkey Prairie over a series of dog killings.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

See? I should have gotten the comedy in the headline.

[C]

Sounded like it was gonna be fun.

[A]

It's goofy. Nuts.

[C]

Everything that's come out has gotten sad.

[A]

Now it's dog killings.

[C]

It's dog killing that's shooting at your neighbor.

[A]

I can. I could get with the shooting at your neighbor. This dog killings is never gonna be fun. Fertile.

[C]

Well, maybe dance at gunpoint over a dog killing. Just feels so dark.

[A]

No, but you remove the dog killing, and I enjoy it.

[B]

I think you. If my neighbor killed my dog, I would make them dance a jig for.

[A]

I would kill him.

[B]

They'd be dancing a jig and then dead.

[A]

I just. I wouldn't. I mean, I don't know what I'd do. I'd make him eat dog food while I was, like, being crazy. I'd be all boozed up and I'd be like, eat his food, you piece of. I'm gonna walk you. I'm gonna walk you around the block. I lost this goddamn mind. Poop. And I'm gonna pretend to pick it up with this bag. What? Poop. And I'm gonna pretend I'm picking it up. You piece of.

[C]

He's like, why do you. Why don't you actually just pick it up?

[A]

I never did that with Sparks, which.

[C]

Is probably why he did that.

[B]

Sparks.

[A]

That's why I did that. Oh, well, yeah, I guess that was pretty fucked up. Sorry.

[C]

I should be more courteous as a neighbor.

[A]

I'm still gonna have to kill you. But going forward, I understand.

[B]

Neighbors suspected each other of the poisonings and a lot of bad blood was engendered.

[C]

They didn't even know.

[B]

No, they don't know who's doing it.

[C]

Nobody dance at gunpoint on us. On a hunch, yeah, you can.

[B]

That's the best way to do it.

[A]

60.

[C]

Do the hokey pokey.

[A]

All right. There you go. Let me see some river dance. Lose the shirt.

[B]

Little meanness began to be practiced. The latest of which was a tie. Was to tie a bulldog of pronounced vicious tendencies on a Starkey prairie bridge after dark. This was designed to scare a team of horses. Okay? So they are using the dogs to fuck with other people. So that might be why the dogs are getting killed. So it was a settler named R. Wilkinson who fell into the trap. Wilkinson drove directly on the bridge when the bulldog began to operate with the result that he nearly had serious trouble with his colts. And Wilkinson settled in his mind the author of the trick immediately and drove straight to the house of Henry Bean. Bean, he thought, was the transgressor. Who else could it be? It's Bean. If it's a bulldog on a bridge, it's got to be Bean. Come on, put it together.

[A]

What are you talking.

[B]

Put it together? Who else would do that?

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

No. Dave's cooking. It's got to be mean.

[A]

He's not cooking. There's no cooking. He's Trump on the White House roof. There's cooking.

[C]

It's Bean. We're telling you it's Bean.

[A]

We're pretty sure Bean is the main guy on Epstein Island.

[C]

Who would. Who would scare the horses?

[A]

It's been. It's obviously Bean. It's got Bean written all over it.

[B]

Calling be to the door. Wilkinson. Have him. Had him covered before he could escape. And a clog dance was ordered.

[A]

Clog dance? I don't have clogs. My friend will be over with some soon.

[C]

Just waiting for your guy to bring over.

[A]

I don't know where he is. He's supposed to be here.

[B]

A little while ago the eloquence of the six shooter induced compliance. And the suspected bulldog operator began awkwardly to shuffle.

[C]

Funny descript. Suspected bulldog operator. I wish that was my JD Dude.

[A]

It's like Tinder job.

[C]

Bulldog operator.

[A]

Suspected bulldog operator.

[B]

Faster, ordered Wilkinson. And you got.

[A]

By the way, you gota. If you ever in this. You got to do it faster. You have no choice.

[C]

You got to do faster.

[A]

It's like Dance Dance Revolution. Faster does.

[C]

Nobody's ever danced at gunpoint fast enough.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

I'm doing. I'm doing the slowest shuffle ever. If you. Yeah, yeah. Slow dance as a bullet saying startly.

[C]

You can dance so Slow and sad that they would stop making you do it.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

It be fun to try.

[C]

The slowest, saddest twerking.

[A]

Yeah. You're trying to be real sexy. Like, sexy might be the better move to try to be like.

[C]

Stop. Actually, I'm good.

[A]

You like like that?

[B]

I do not think we're gonna take. You are good. Thank you.

[A]

Oh, you guys.

[C]

Audience, you have to. You have to watch this section.

[A]

You guys are making me wild.

[C]

Go, go. Get on the patreon. I'm a. Wise.

[A]

Guys are making me a w. My cabooses are loose.

[B]

Now I'm gonna kill you Now I'm just gonna shoot you in the head.

[A]

Ah.

[C]

Head.

[B]

As a bullet. Sang startly near the feet.

[A]

Commonly more familiar wet.

[C]

Oh, yeah, my feet.

[A]

All you guys are really making me feel this.

[B]

Commonly more familiar with the road behind the plow than the dance. All four, they responded crudely. Finally, Wilkinson led his victim off with the admonition to keep his bulldog at home. Then, wait, he didn't let him. Then he compelled him at the pistols point to come clear to Wilkinson's home. So he's making him.

[A]

Now he's gotta go.

[C]

He brought him all the way to his own house?

[A]

Yeah, he's.

[B]

Yeah. The method of transportation does not have a plan.

[A]

It's just like. And now we're going over here.

[B]

The method of transportation was not stated, but it is said Bean had to continue dancing at intervals clear across the prairie.

[A]

All right, we're gonna take a quick dance break.

[C]

I gotta water the horses. Don't stop dancing.

[A]

Yeah, dance a lot and more. Leg. Really, the legs are just. You're just kind of doing all the arms.

[C]

Your hips aren't going enough.

[A]

Come on.

[C]

Move them hips, Beanie.

[A]

There you go, Bean.

[B]

At Wilkinson's place, he was forced to sign a note make making over 75 to Wilkinson.

[C]

So he made him dance across the prairie and give him $75 over making a dog bark at his horses?

[B]

Not even. So I think he just. I think he just signed a note. I think he just signed, like, a iou.

[A]

I mean, the whole thing sounds a little tossed together.

[C]

That's all. That's all money back then, to me, I think all money was like an iou.

[A]

Yeah, right. Yeah.

[C]

You could have given them, like. That's a. That's a. That's a cold Benjamin right there.

[A]

That's the best iou. Times are awesome. All right. I think you'll find this should take care of the debt.

[B]

Bean says he will not stand for this treatment.

[C]

Shot it Rocks. Sir.

[B]

Bean says he will not stand for this treatment. He is not such a pistol artist as his neighbor says. Spokane Falls Spokesman review. So he has employed a lawyer to help him out and legal action will result. So he's going to sue him.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

That's a total Drake move, by the way. Neighbor just whoops your ass. Makes you dance across the Prairie. Give them $75. Like, I'm gonna get my lawyer. Shut up.

[B]

I know.

[C]

Seriously, I was on beside until I.

[A]

Thought he was a. Yeah, that is a.

[C]

Leave your lawyer out of this.

[A]

And imagine the lawyer, like, so. Wait, what? What is what. What do you need? Yeah, so I'm trying to sue him because he was out of line back there. That was crazy.

[C]

I feel like you'll be hearing from.

[B]

Jenkins and check ins.

[A]

You'll be hearing at the end of it, you'll be hearing from my lawyer. Wait, what? What are you talking about? You made me suck the barrel of a gun. And you won't hear the end of this. Discovery. He's like, you know, in retrospect, the lawsuit was where the whole thing fell apart for me. I should have just walked away. Discovery really screwed me in this case.

[C]

When they found out how I started dancing on him without being asked, they immediately lost all sympathy.

[A]

I'm like, hey, yeah, yeah, twerk, twerk.

[B]

I saw you. Can you. You were twerking in the prairie. Can you explain that? A little more out of the middle.

[C]

And it was in his pocket, and I had to get very close to him.

[B]

I. Yeah, but it twerks, sir.

[A]

Well, I'll be honest. At some point, I decided to try to turn this thing pretty erotic just to sort of see what I could get out of it. So I was doing a bunch of stuff. Twerk, crotch touching. One point, I dropped my spectacles and I turned around and bent over to pick them up and was presenting Gooch, AKA Taint, or as we call it nowadays, the skin pasture.

[C]

The stenographer puking.

[A]

She just puts dynamite to her head.

[C]

He's like, I killed a man in 1984.

[A]

Lights.

[B]

Beggars pursue Carnegie while.

[A]

There we go.

[B]

Yeah. While in Pittsburgh the other day, Andrew Carnegie was forced to leave the house in which he was staying by a rear door, and drive off in a carriage to escape a crowd of people begging money for charitable projects, many of them for libraries Mr. Cargany received. Mr. Carnegie receives over 300 begging letters a day. No, it's just asking for charity letters.

[A]

These little poppers.

[C]

Can you please close the library? He's like.

[A]

Oh, wow. We're just talking. That's crazy. But that is. It's also such a innocent plea. Just give us knowledge. He's like, that's a problem.

[C]

A library for our children. He's sneaking out the back door.

[A]

He's like, yeah. He's like, I'm the Beatles. I gotta get out of here.

[C]

Build another dam that's gonna destroy another town.

[A]

It really is just so. It. It. Honestly, I would be filled with hope if I didn't know as much as I do now because of these podcasts about history. Because I would be like, this can't happen. It's like, nah, it does happen. And even if you get it away from him for a minute, the culture of evil greed is just waiting around the corner. Just, like, time for a comeback.

[C]

Every billionaire is deeply evil. Except for the billionaire who I work for, who is a great guy. I think he is genuinely fantastic. Who's this Doing really good stuff for the world? I'm not gonna say that.

[A]

What a smart answer.

[C]

The philanthropy he's doing is really impactful and super important. I'm glad to support it every day. Every other billionaire should die.

[A]

Just a fine line.

[C]

My guy is incredible.

[A]

So interesting.

[C]

I'm a company man.

[A]

Well, by the way. Yeah, we've said this before. Like. Like, sometimes it shows or whatever. I'll talk to people and they'll be like, I work for, like, whatever, Amazon or something. There'd be shame. And I'll be like, this is not. Not. You've not decided that you want to align yourself with these people directly. Like, they're. Eventually, there will be four people to work for, and they'll all be evil pieces of. There's really.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, this is not on. This is not a personal choice thing any longer.

[C]

There hasn't been an ethical way to make money in, like, the last, like, 50 years.

[A]

Yeah, there is. I like sometimes, too. It's like, I'll go to, like, a city where they'll, like, people be like, they make military. You're just like, yeah, no, look, it's like we're all just trying to keep, you know, having HBO Max. Like, we're just all fighting the same battle.

[C]

Like, what do you want me to do? Not work at the blood factory? It's the only place it's hiring.

[A]

I know. Yeah. Someone's got to take the skin off these kids. Skulls for charity.

[C]

You think? Do you think these blood baths pour themselves?

[A]

Yeah, look, we got to get marrow out of these boys.

[C]

This is organic bone to table.

[B]

Disqualifying. Man for kinghood. Adioni Bzek. I don't know.

[A]

Whoa. I'm gonna need you to say that one one more time, Mr. Adoni.

[B]

Adoni Bzek.

[A]

Musical. The way you said it before.

[B]

Mentioned in the Book of Judges. I love when people get mad at me because I don't know how to pronounce religious, and I'm like, buddy, you should feel bad for knowing how to pronounce religion. Mentioned in the Book of Judges was captured by the Jews who cut off his thumbs and great toes. This was done to prevent his making. In an attempt to regain his throne. As in the East, a maimed man could not be king.

[A]

Wow. That is not shocking and yet so horrible.

[B]

I mean, that. That keeps him off the. That keeps him off the.

[A]

Yeah, that would be so great if that's how. Like, if, like. So that was the same for president. I mean, you literally, like, Trump got his ears shot off, and he'd be like, sorry, buddy, campaign's over. I mean, not that because that's fake, but it don't.

[C]

Yeah, obviously, that was.

[A]

AI.

[C]

I don't think that. Why would you cut off his thumb? That's his cruelty.

[A]

Yeah. That is the worst one. Yeah.

[C]

This is equivalent to.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. I. Yeah. You could take off a pinky.

[C]

Oh, pinky can go pinky. I would let you do that for free.

[A]

Yeah, pinky could go pinky.

[C]

Ring finger, middle one thumb. That's fair to me.

[B]

If you say. If you say you let someone take off your pinky for free, how much are you letting people take off the thumb for? And also, where is this market that. This is a thing I'll easily.

[A]

I'm. Dorian. I'd love to have your pinky. So if you're willing to stick with that, I'll cut it off asap, you name a price.

[C]

We've had this exact conversation.

[A]

Believe we have.

[B]

Once again, I'm.

[C]

Once again, Garrett is buying.

[A]

At least we have roles consistent.

[B]

To prevent telegraphist paralysis.

[A]

Okay, so is that a dinosaur?

[B]

Let me look this up. So get the disease. Telegraphic paralysis. Telegraph clerks will hear with alarm a telegraphic analysis. A new malady reported by French physician. An employee who has been engaged in the telegraph office for nine years found that he could not form clearly the letters U represented by two dots and a stroke I by two dots and S by three dots. On trying to trace the letters, his hand became stiff and cramped. He then endeavored to use his thumb alone. So he's. It's. It sounds like. What do you call it when Your hands are all up from repetitive motion.

[C]

Arthritis?

[B]

No.

[A]

Carpal tunnel.

[B]

Carpal tunnel. It sounds like a version of carpal tunnel because he's doing the same motion over and over.

[A]

Hey, if that gave you carpal tunnel, believe me, I'd have it.

[B]

What does that mean?

[A]

I'm just saying if, if hand locking because of a repetitive motion is. Is a side effect of that occurs. Uh, I, uh, I think you'd find I'd have a lobster claw. Gentlemen.

[B]

Why, why is that?

[C]

What is. What do you mean by writing?

[A]

No, no. Well, uh, not, not writing, but, uh, certainly. Let's just say dipping the pe. The quill into the ink quite a bit.

[C]

Like you're a painter.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. If, if. If a locked hand was something that occurred because you had the appearance of. Of some pipe in the hand in a repetitive motion. Put it that way. I do. I'm poking holes in this theory because if this were true, believe me, you'd only see me with a sort. A hand gesture that was locked with a little bit of a hole in it. The size not. Not tiny, but not super big.

[B]

If I'm being so like a. Like a plumber.

[A]

No, I. Jack off.

[C]

What Disgusting.

[B]

The is wrong with you?

[A]

No, no, no, no.

[C]

For charity, this show.

[A]

What do you mean for charity? No, no, no, no.

[B]

Check out for charity.

[C]

Children watching this show. That I don't believe.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no.

[B]

You're a charity masturbator.

[A]

I give come as much as I can every year. I save what I need and I give the rest away.

[C]

People are calling him Andrew Carnegie.

[B]

Well done. Okay, so back to our newspaper, which we really sidetracked from.

[A]

I agree. I don't know what happened there. Felt like you guys kind of got a little.

[B]

To prevent telegraphs paralysis. Telegraphist paralysis is to be prevented by a new telegraph key.

[A]

I got that from master.

[C]

Oh, of course. Here's a. Here's a really bad thing that can happen because now you have to type. Oh. We have the destiny thing for you. The new. The new keypad.

[A]

The new key.

[B]

It's ergonomic.

[C]

Shut up.

[B]

Always. The key has a handle large enough to be grasped by the entire hand.

[A]

And can be turned. Turned hysterical. Just a jammer.

[B]

And can be turned at any angle or set in any position the operator may prefer. For ease.

[A]

Keep working. Keep working. Don't stop working.

[C]

You know how your hand was falling off? Oh, now we have something that you can use your whole arm now.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, that's really what they're Doing. They're like, now your arm will start to take the brunt of it while that horrible hand heals.

[C]

And this one's even kid friendly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All right, one last one. This is news. News from the town of Wilhelmina. And it says Wilhelmina will soon have a creamery and cheese factory. Next, we need a drugstore, a doctor, and a lawyer. And then we will have a full fledged town.

[C]

They don't even have a. This is not news from the town of Wilhelmina. This is Wilhelmina being so, so ambitious.

[A]

They're so close. All we need is everything for infrastructure.

[C]

If people move here, then we can.

[A]

Have a town that is such a. They're town fishing.

[C]

I'll make a tourist like, a department for, like, my apartment.

[A]

All I need is biceps, chest muscles, abs, better lower body, core strength, and another 4 inches and I could be a bodybuilder now.

[C]

You guys don't understand. I'm four wheels in an entire car away from having a car.

[A]

If I had gill's tail and was a fish, I could be a fish.

[C]

Guys, I'm on the fourth floor. I'm almost an astronaut.

[A]

Well, Dorian, always a pleasure. Verbose to Bose. People can go find you there and they can go watch evil Shark Tank. Stay and yeah, great dancing. Honestly, the kind of dancing that if I saw probably wouldn't shoot you, if I'm being honest. And that's a high compliment.

[C]

I'm so glad. High praise, like, all the time. I get worried that somebody's gonna hold me at gunpoint and I'm not gonna be able to twerk.

[A]

Not with those moves. You're too. No, it's very smooth. It's smooth stuff. Well, thank you for joining us, Dorian. Always a pleasure. And we look forward to appearance number four, the episode we'll be calling for. Ian, thank you.

[C]

Enjoyed. Three and yep.

[A]

Some of these days you'll miss me, honey. Some of these days. Hey, dollop fans. I know you love the dollop. You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five parter animation, which is actually like a 22 minute episode or 30 minute episode, I can't remember, of the rube, you can go to LakeSide Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the rube. It. It really genuinely kicks ass. And we're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one, so go there and watch the rube.