142 - The Past Times with Sarah Tiana

Summary

The Dollop Episode 142 – The Past Times with Sarah Tiana

Podcast: The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds
Guest: Sarah Tiana
Date: September 12, 2025
Episode Theme:
A hilarious deep dive into the headlines and social quirks of September 8, 1921 from the "Dillon Herald" of South Carolina, featuring comedian Sarah Tiana. The hosts riff through bizarre news articles, Southern folklore, and the weird wisdom of yesteryear, punctuated by sharp banter and silly asides.

---

Episode Overview

The Past Times format features Dave, Gareth, and their guest reading through a random historical newspaper. This week, Sarah Tiana returns as "champion guest," joining the hosts in speculative sleuthing and comedic disbelief at a series of odd events chronicled in early 1920s South Carolina. Expect witty tangents about Southern culture, giant footprints, scam liquor salesmen, hard-boiled conquistadors, animal churches, DIY pest control, and more.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Welcoming Sarah Tiana & Getting Going

• Tatum the Dog & "Sports Bitches" Podcast ([03:00])
  • Sarah’s dog gets a gentle roast for its name.
  • The discussion pivots to podcast names, gender paradigms, and joke proposals for absurd podcasts.
• Marriage as Co-Parenting ([07:03])
  • "That's really what a good marriage is, is you're basically co-parenting each other." – Dave

2. Guessing the Year ([07:44])

• Sarah correctly guesses 1921 ("I'm hoping 1925." – Sarah)
• Dave: "You won in earnest!", Gareth launches into mock injustice.

3. Headline: "Monstrous Tracks Cause Much Concern" ([08:49])

The Legend of the Giant Footprints

• Locals discover eerily large, human-like footprints; rumors of a “giant” (or perhaps, just a very big person) visiting farmhouse for water.
• Wildly different explanations offered: monster, giant, wild man, woman ("it’s a vagiant" – Gareth, [12:02]), even Santa Claus or the devil.
  • "[S]ome say it is a gorilla which has gotten loose." ([20:57])
• Community excitement: With no TV, footprints become the event of the week, people picnic at the scene ([17:25]).
  • “Me and Frank was going to go look at a shoe print all day. Oh, boy." – Gareth
  • "Pack a picnic lunch" – Sarah

Satirical Analysis:

• Dissection of shoe size math, sarcastic theories on Southern priorities, and the rural myth-making process.
• "Others exclaim, wild man. And some say it is a gorilla which has gotten loose." – Dave ([20:51])
• "They will become the victims the longer the story." – Sarah ([12:38])
• "For the last time, a gorilla’s foot looks really different than a person’s foot." – Dave ([21:01])
• Devil at the Country Club:
  • "The devil goes to the country club." – Sarah ([18:50])
  • "We have reservations for 6 at 8pm under B. Ub, first name Beelzebub." – Gareth ([19:19])

4. Small Town Scams and Sucker Stories

The Liquor Truck Hoax ([32:12])

• During Prohibition, a salesman takes cash for a promised truckload of booze "following him" – a classic scam.
  • "So they're like, he's like awesome. There's a giant truck of booze behind me. Would you like to give me money for the booze that isn't here yet?" – Dave ([33:18])
• “Now the leading citizens are sadder, but wiser.” ([34:01])
  • "I mean, I don't know, they're pretty fucking stupid." – Gareth

Reflections on Gullibility

• “We literally used to believe anything, and now we believe [nothing].” – Sarah ([35:18])
• Discussion on the skepticism bred by modern scam attempts.

5. Church for Animals ([36:22])

• A 1921 movement in New York: a church is founded for animal rights, promising animal Bibles and Sunday services.
• Satirical "sermons" delivered for pets.
  • "Thou shalt not lick your balls while at a restaurant." – Sarah ([38:04])
  • “Thou shalt not hump thy neighbor.” – Sarah ([38:22])
• Discussion on animal ethics, humor about Southern food hypocrisy:
  • “Now who wants a burger? Cows don’t count. Yum.” – Dave ([40:31])

6. Hard-Boiled History: Snorting Hernando

Bizarre Biographical Article

• The newspaper publishes a wild, Maxim-style retelling of Hernán Cortés’ conquest, with hard-boiled American slang and heavy creative license ([41:24]–[51:00]).
  • "That Hernie Cortez is a reckless young feller. Mark my words. He'll come to no good." – Dave ([45:32])
  • "His motto used to be, 'I don't know where I’m going, and I don’t care when I get back.'" ([46:02])
• Burned Ships = Financial Preparedness?
  • "The moral is that it may be all right to burn your ships, but save the nails." ([51:12])
  • The true point: Buy war bonds! (ad disguised as a morality tale).
  • "Longest worst ad ever." – Gareth ([52:26])

7. DIY Home Pest Control

• Mr. D.V. Perry, "Automobile Painter", claims to have discovered an infallible method: dip lightbulbs in used engine oil ([54:05]).
  • "Take your electric light globes and dip them in oil... The moment the insects hit them, they drop dead." – Dave ([54:46])
• Banter about the real cause (bugs get stuck; or is it just car oil poisoning them?).
• “Did they just spray the sky with paint?” – Gareth ([57:46])
• "Honestly, I don't really hate that invention. Good idea." – Sarah ([59:24])
• Skepticism: "You two are way too on board with ... Look, did we hear about it now? Thank you." – Gareth ([59:49])

8. Southern Bugs vs. LA Life

• Sarah's reflections on moving away from Southern bug infestations for the relative comfort of L.A.
  • "I would pay 90% in taxes to never have to go back to bugs or snakes that just devour me all summer long." ([60:31])

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [09:16] Dave: “Is this just the opening lyrics to Monster Mash?”
• [12:02] Gareth: “It’s a vagiant.”
• [14:06] Gareth (as evil Santa): "Rabid Saint Nick. He wants children. Blood. I need their marrow. For my elves."
• [17:39] Sarah: "They pack a picnic lunch."
• [18:50] Sarah: "Clearly the devil... when I think of the devil at the country club, what else is he going to do with all that money?"
• [35:18] Sarah: "We literally used to believe anything, and now we [don’t] believe anything."
• [38:22] Sarah: "Thou shalt not hump thy neighbor."
• [51:12] Dave: "The moral is that it may be all right to burn your ships, but save the nails."
• [52:26] Gareth: "Longest worst ad ever. The longest worst ad I've ever heard."
• [54:46] Dave/Article: "Take your electric light globes and dip them in oil... The moment the insects hit them, they drop dead."
• [56:13] Sarah: "I think it’s because when a bug lands on the oil, its wings or its feet get heavy ... and they can’t fly."
• [60:31] Sarah: "I would pay 90% in taxes to live here, to never have to go back to bugs or snakes that just, like, devour me all summer long. So I get where this guy’s coming from."
• [61:14] Sarah: "She'll be the first to text me after she listens to this in her little sewing room, as she's sewing her quilts or cat right now..."

---

Episode Flow & Tone

• The mood is relaxed, irreverent, and spontaneous—a blend of sharp history jokes, absurdist improvisations, and authentic Southern-flavored nostalgia courtesy of Sarah.
• Dave steers the reading/riffing, Gareth punches up with heightened reactions and wordplay, and Sarah delivers Southern context and gentle shots at the region, plus quick banter.
• Classic Dollop: rapid segues, running gags ("devil at the country club"), playful mockery of period logic, and an echoing skepticism for both 1920s naïveté and contemporary jadedness.

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Recommended Highlights with Timestamps

• [08:49 – 23:25]: "Monstrous Tracks" saga: small town myth-making, shoe size math, Santa/devil jokes.
• [32:12 – 35:01]: The Liquor Truck scam story—timeless American suckers and swindlers.
• [36:22 – 40:52]: The Church for Animals—fantasy sermons and unrivaled animal theology.
• [41:24 – 51:12]: "Snorting Hernando": gonzo historical fiction about Hernán Cortés, capped with a finance PSA.
• [54:05 – 59:47]: The oily bug-zapping lightbulb revelation and ensuing invention skepticism.
• [60:31 – End]: Sarah on the South vs LA, shout-outs for her beading/crafty mom.

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Takeaway for the Listener

This episode is a pure, high-protein serving of trademark Dollop: mocking the bizarre headlines and habits of past America, riffing on how little and how much has changed, and finding comedy in humanity’s eternal tendency to believe—with hope, fear, or simple boredom—in the tall tales of the day.

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Check out Sarah Tiana on "Sports Bitches" and follow her online—just don’t ask when she’s next on tour, she’s waiting until her kid is older.

Transcript

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[A]

All right, everybody, welcome to the Past Times podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds and. And I've never seen it before. And neither is our guest this week, Sarah Tiana, returning champion Three, two, one. Back to one. Sarah, whenever you're ready.

[C]

Co. Hi.

[A]

Hi, you guys. Good to see you. Welcome back.

[B]

This is the first time we've talked all day.

[A]

Yep. There's been no warmup right now. Sarah, you have a dog named Tatum. You have a podcast called Sports Puppy. Wow.

[C]

Puppy.

[A]

You have a podcast called Sports. Am I allowed to say that?

[B]

The. The name?

[C]

Yeah. Did you guys have your full chest?

[B]

When you were thinking about naming the podcast, were you, like, should we call it, or will it be an issue? Or did you just go with it?

[C]

Yeah, we did think of it would be an issue, but issues are good. Move to an. Yeah, but then we were all like, this is who we are.

[B]

Yeah, there you go.

[C]

So if people are sad about it or, like, the name is a problem, then they just use a little asterisk or whatever.

[B]

There you go. But also, like, with what's going on, that's, like, the least.

[A]

Well, what I like is you guys are sort of. You know, you're sort of. You're bucking the conventional gender paradigm, which is why Dave and I started a show called Cooking Dicks.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

So we would love to be on.

[B]

The same network, but we actually cook dicks.

[A]

Yeah. The whole thing is we eat penises from various species.

[C]

But this isn't about which one is your favorite.

[B]

I like turtles.

[A]

I like human. But this isn't about. This isn't about that. This is about how much you're crushing it and how much you're demurring. But. But thank you for coming back. Congratulations on everything. Even the dog. Even though it's got the pretty bad name, to be honest with you. It's tough.

[C]

Well, like, people say after Jason, and then I can just go, no, Channing.

[A]

Or, you know. But was it the guy on the Simpsons. The boxer on the Simpsons named Tatum something. That's what I was hoping it was after. Because even naming your dog after Channing Tatum is like, I don't know.

[C]

I know.

[A]

It's not the best.

[C]

Tatum o'. Neill. Yeah. I don't know.

[A]

I think that was the Simpsons character. Is that what it was?

[C]

Maybe there's a. I don't know. I did. I don't have that kind of memory.

[A]

Okay. All right, all right. Whatever. So I really want to find out if that was okay.

[B]

That's fair. Well, then we'll start.

[A]

So I hung out with Channing Tatum once. Drank tequila with him in a parking lot. He was awesome. Drederick Tatum is his name.

[B]

In a parking lot.

[A]

Yeah, he was on a TV show I wrote on and it was like all the women were so aflutter, you know, all the women were so aflutter when he was on set. And then, and then when I hung out with him, I was like, I am massively in love with that guy. I was in love with him very quickly.

[B]

Did you, was there. Did you like stare at him in the eyes?

[A]

And he was. This was his hottest. And I had trouble focusing.

[B]

The biggest. I guess the biggest guy I got drunk with was Matt Damon. That was fun.

[A]

Who?

[B]

Matt Damon. I got drunk with Matt Damon.

[A]

Has he been in anything I don't know if I've heard of?

[C]

No.

[B]

After Good. He did this movie called Goodwill Hunting and then he just kind of disappeared.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

He'S more of a writer.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

Smart. That's the smart. That's the smart route to go. You see how ripped he is now?

[B]

Is he?

[A]

Yeah, he's all fucking out.

[C]

Really?

[A]

Oh yeah. Right now Matt Damon is ripped to shit.

[B]

Okay. So he lied to me when we were drinking because he said. I said, will you ever do another born? And he was like, I can't work out like that anymore.

[A]

Well, now they're all. Now everyone over 60 is just getting pin cushioned. They are. There's lots of stuff going in them now. And it's like, I don't know, we'll see how it goes. But he's definitely on something. But he's got abs, so whatever.

[C]

Matt Damon would love my dog's name.

[B]

She's right.

[A]

So would John Krasinski. You don't like. You don't like. Your husband is the Boston. He likes them, right?

[C]

Yeah, I don't, I'm not a Boston person. But yeah, that was, that's like the caveat. It's like I got to pick the dog. I got to get a dog and.

[B]

He got to name the dog.

[A]

That's really what a good marriage is, is you're basically co parenting each other.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Like a chore list.

[C]

What will get you to say yes?

[A]

Yeah. Well, how do I bribe you in your. Yeah, exactly. I'm begging. So let's compromise.

[C]

Yes. In a healthy way.

[A]

Yes. Yes. It's like I've always called it sexual parents. Okay, so let's, let's. Sarah, you know what we do here. And even if you don't, I'm going to pretend you do. But we're going to guess what year this paper's from. You will win because Dave has some sort of agenda against me. He sits there stone faced and pretends like he doesn't. He does crazy. So why don't you watch? Because Luke was here.

[B]

That's not true.

[A]

And you have an animus towards him. More than me at the moment, which is says a lot. What. What year do you think this paper could be from Sarah? A reminder. It's a historical podcast.

[C]

I'm hoping 1925.

[A]

1925. Hell of a guess. 1899.

[B]

You're so wrong.

[A]

What is it?

[B]

Sarah is so right. It's 1921. She's so close.

[A]

Yeah. And she won in earnest. So wrong.

[B]

Why don't you complain a little bit? Why don't you make up something?

[A]

Even if she. Even if I said 1925, she would have won. You know that deep in your weird little head. Yeah, you do. And deep inside your heart that your father damaged it just seems, you know the truth.

[B]

Little misogyny coming through it.

[A]

Don't you dare.

[B]

The Dylan, Harold.

[A]

Mr. Sojourny Dylan, South Carolina.

[B]

September 8th, 1921. So just before 9, 11.

[C]

Oh, monstrous South. You said South Carolina.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

What do you think about that? It's close to. It's close to your area.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Monstrous tracks cause much concern.

[A]

As they should.

[B]

Several weeks.

[A]

This has truckasaurus written all over it.

[B]

Yeah. Several weeks ago, the Enterprise published a story taken from the Dylan Herald to the effect that monster tracks resembling that of a human foot.

[A]

Well, that's not.

[B]

I gotta. I. I'm actually, there's a problem with the story right now.

[A]

Is this just the opening lyrics to Monster Mash?

[B]

It's not. It's not a monster foot. If it's a human foot.

[A]

Yeah. I don't disagree.

[C]

Oh, but it's just like a large. A large human foot.

[A]

It's a big guy, man. Ran.

[B]

This is a big guy.

[A]

Yeah, it's a big guy.

[C]

We're not used to seeing big old boy. This is before college football.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

College football existed in 1921. They'd be like, let's sign this guy. Who is he?

[A]

Or they'd be tracking him like a tracker. Like taste his footprint and is like, he's a DLC.

[C]

Defensive lineman Dave.

[A]

Lb, not a QB or a wr. Go ahead, sir.

[B]

Had been seen in Marlboro County. And also that a giant had called at a farmhouse for a drink of water.

[C]

What?

[A]

What is what? What in the name of Tim Burton. A giant called for a water.

[C]

At a farmhouse, no less.

[B]

I'm here for a drink of water.

[A]

And then we reveal that. That he's like 5, 10. Look at the size of him. 5 10, 180. My God.

[C]

Oh, Lord in heaven.

[A]

Lord in heaven. He'll drink a full glass if you're not careful. This man's enormous.

[B]

And finding the pump out of commission, pulled it up and threw it away. That's fair.

[A]

I mean, you could argue that. That's just helpful.

[B]

Yeah, that. That I get, man. If you try. If you want water and there's no water coming out of the thing that gives you water, you rip it up and throw it away.

[A]

Call the town Giant.

[B]

That's just what happens.

[C]

He pulled the whole pump out of the ground.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He's big.

[A]

Yeah. Apparently he ripped the pump out. I'm a bit dubious of all of this stuff.

[B]

How dare you? This is in the newspaper.

[A]

You're right.

[B]

Now comes the report, as published in the Hartsville messenger last week, that similar tracks have been seen in Darlington County. The people in this section feel very much gratification in the fact that the wild man seems to be headed in another direction and will give Mullins that go by all together.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

So they're happy the month the. I'm gonna say giant. The giant is passing by.

[A]

Do you feel like you're gonna get canceled for saying.

[B]

I just don't. I just don't wanna.

[A]

I think you're allowed to say.

[B]

I don't want to label this one.

[A]

Of the few ones that you're allowed to use.

[B]

I don't want to label the big guy as a monster because we don't know. He could.

[C]

Do we know it's a man? It could be a.

[B]

Like a big lady.

[C]

Big old lady.

[B]

Big lady. She. Let me tell you something.

[A]

I'll be careful, Dave. Now you got to be careful.

[B]

A big old lady is gonna have a much harder time than a big old.

[A]

It's a giant. You know what it is? It's a vagiant.

[B]

So this fat bro.

[C]

I do. It is a very. It is very Southern to be like, well, thank God he's not coming our way.

[A]

Oh, yeah. We're just happy he left town.

[C]

Wow. Yes. Like it's somebody else's problem now.

[A]

Our shoe traps work. Shoe boy.

[C]

Yes. But in every paper, like, in every month paper that, you know, comes after this, they'll say how they were affected. You know, their town was affected the most.

[B]

Oh, yeah, sure.

[C]

Even though it never came through there. Like, the story will get grander and they will become the victims the longer the story.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

It's like human wildfires. We're just glad he's moved.

[B]

We have a monster adjacent.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I mean, isn't this the Roaring Twenties? Right. Is this like after the Spanish flu? Like.

[B]

No, it's. Yes. Right after or.

[A]

This is great. Yeah.

[C]

But the side effect.

[A]

Well, yeah, no, that's the.

[C]

Honest.

[A]

I've always said the best thing about the Depression was it kind of got the Giants to leave town. They all went to Canada.

[C]

They went to New York and became a bad football team. Wow. I just, I still can't even imagine, like, writing this as an article, I.

[A]

Guess, leading the paper.

[C]

Very little is going on. They just see a footprint leading the paper. But if it's like, even if it's. Yeah, but there was one witness that said they pulled the water out of the spout.

[B]

Yeah. And yeah, the people in this section feel very. Oh, I already said that. Regardless of what species, be it man, gorilla or Old Nick. What is Old Nick? Santa Claus.

[A]

Yeah, for sure.

[B]

So these. So they're saying this might be Santa Claus.

[A]

Thank goodness Santa Claus moved to another town. Rabid Saint Nick. He wants children. Blood. I need their marrow. For my elves.

[B]

Jesus, this is a much.

[A]

Give me water.

[B]

This is a much better Santa Claus than the one we have. We'll be willing. We are willing for him to continue his journey and shall not feel slighted in the least. The Hartsville messenger of last week says Monday morning tracks measuring 19 inches were discovered near the sanitary laundry and in the road between the tracks of the Seaboard Airline Railway and the Prestwood crossing. So no. 19 inches. Yeah. I'm trying to think of a big dude.

[A]

I'm trying to think of what the foot.

[B]

But I bet if you look up like a seven foot player in the NBA, I bet they have 19 foot.

[A]

Oh, yeah. An NBA.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Wears a size 23.

[B]

23.

[C]

Size 23.

[B]

So, but yeah, so this could be Shaq.

[A]

Oh, wait, yeah.

[C]

It's a little old baby shack.

[A]

You know what I just realized? I think your shoe size is based on inches.

[B]

You just realized that?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, I didn't know.

[B]

Gareth, welcome.

[C]

So my foot is seven inches?

[A]

Well, it might be for men or a man's.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Women's. No, women's.

[C]

So 719 inches is a size 19 shoe?

[A]

I, I, well, it says.

[B]

Yeah, that's why.

[A]

Size 10 shoe in inches.

[C]

And it was nevs that you work.

[B]

In a shoe store.

[A]

Oh, no, no, wait. Now it's changing.

[C]

Growing up.

[A]

Now it's changing. No, that was just for 10. A size 15 is 12. 0.18 inches. So. Dave, you acted like I just learned something that wasn't Real.

[B]

I still think it's true.

[A]

Oh, sure.

[C]

Because you. You told us you learned something that was real. You told us that I. Your shoe sizes in inches, and we both went, oh, Jamie, can you. Now you're taking it back.

[A]

We. By the way, Sarah, we hired a Jamie to look up all this stuff.

[B]

Oh, Jamie, are you.

[C]

There's no Jamie.

[B]

Jamie, are feet real? Can you look that up?

[A]

Yeah. Every person has three feet, and then they shed one in the womb. Thank you, Jamie.

[B]

Rumor has it that similar prints were seen beyond the crossing. The impression left in the sand is like unto a barefoot man. The heel is narrow and the body of the foot is rather sparing in width compared with the length.

[A]

Okay, wait, I'm not really sure.

[B]

The heel is narrow and the body of the foot.

[A]

I can't focus on a description that well.

[B]

So it's saying that it's very thin. Basically. That's all. It just sounds.

[C]

Honestly, the width, length. I can tell you.

[A]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[C]

When it comes to feet.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

I mean, it sounds like he's a skinny, tall, skinny dude.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, that's right.

[A]

The top print, he's like Oscar Pretorius.

[B]

The toe prints were also discernible, especially the big toe. So it's a fucking guy. Why are we calling him a monster? Quite a number of people assembled to view the impressions. So now people are coming down to look at the footprint.

[A]

We're in the 20s. There's so little to go.

[B]

Nothing.

[A]

There's nothing.

[B]

Hey, Jimmy, you want to go.

[C]

Looks like no tv.

[A]

Yeah, no tv. So you just say, well, me and Frank was going to go look at a shoe print all day. Oh, boy.

[C]

They pack a picnic lunch.

[A]

Yeah. They call in sick for, like a week of work. Your boys are allowed to go on your endeavor. Yeah. You're about allowed to go have a fathoming. Can we take a fathom break, Y'? All? Sure. May.

[B]

Boy, that was a good vacation.

[A]

That was awesome.

[C]

Don't act like people in South Carolina were in school anyway.

[A]

Yeah, right.

[C]

Yeah. This is me talking as someone from Georgia who just is, like, hates all the neighboring states.

[A]

Date as you're supposed to.

[C]

I'm just speaking as a.

[A]

As a rival, as you're supposed to. As one's supposed to.

[B]

Quite a number of people assembled to do the impressions. Mr. J. Kervin pronounces the track as that of the devil who was on his way to the country club.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

I mean, it's indisputable.

[A]

Absolutely. Yeah. Well, he's on the way to the country club.

[C]

Country club, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So this guy was.

[A]

This guy was, like, gonna go play tennis?

[B]

Well, no, this guy was not allowed to become a member at the country club.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Well, we don't know, but he's got a problem with the country club. So he's like, well, the devil's going there.

[A]

Okay. I like the idea that the giant goes to the country club.

[C]

Clearly the devil is it. You think it's literal? Like, when I think of the devil at the country club, I'm like, well, what else is he gonna do with all that money? Yeah, right.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

But do you think this guy was just using the term devil as, like, rapscallion? Like, that devil just went on down.

[A]

To the country club? Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I like to think he thinks the actual literal devil. I like to think it's. I think you're right, but I like to think it's the literal devil.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yes. God is at church and the devil's at the country club.

[A]

We have reservations for 6 at 8pm under B. Ub first name Beelzebub.

[C]

Yeah. Lucifer.

[A]

The last name is Fur, first name. Under my wife, Lucy.

[B]

It appears that the monster, whatever it was, entered from over the pond. And Mr. Cribbin lives over there.

[A]

What now? It's just like, literally, like, talking about my neighborhood near Mr. Cribbins. He's the fellow who borrowed my saw and never returned it.

[B]

Mr. Vaughn says it's a hoax for. He says the tracks are not heavy enough for such a big man or animal. Okay, so they're not.

[A]

So he's a depth print guy.

[B]

This is the guy. That's right.

[A]

Yeah. Right.

[B]

Someone took a cut out of a foot and. And didn't push it down hard enough. And this guy knows why.

[A]

You gotta wear the print shoes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[C]

Yeah, it's. See, it's like. Did you not see CSI Dillon, South Carolina, Obviously.

[A]

Yes. It's classic csi.

[B]

Such a good show.

[A]

Yeah, really good.

[C]

Dylan. Great.

[B]

It's like, Dylan, it was the first radio drama.

[A]

So boring. Just like Ludacris is starring in it. Like, yo, this is not good.

[B]

And all they did back then was footprints.

[A]

It was just print stuff. I don't think this is a real footprint.

[C]

Like, a murderer walked through our town.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Others exclaim, wild man. And some say it is a gorilla which has gotten loose.

[A]

I like this guy.

[B]

And some.

[A]

You fools, it's a gorilla.

[B]

For the last time, a gorilla's foot looks really different than a person's foot.

[C]

That's why a gorilla's foot is only wide.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Like it is not narrow.

[B]

Yes. That's why they don't wear shoes.

[C]

Literally, it looks like a head.

[A]

I am not. Okay, first of all, y' all a bunch of city folk. This is a gorilla. And we've got ourselves a leaping rilla.

[B]

Look at it. You can't tell if it's a head or a foot.

[A]

He might have been somersaulting, you fools.

[C]

Yeah, well, what's the neighbor's name?

[B]

Yeah, Mr. Vaughn.

[C]

That guy? Yeah, like Mr. Vaughn, gorillas are not native to the United States. So they won't just be a gorilla walking around that.

[A]

Gorillas go where trees exist. Gorilla eggs hatch out of tree trunks, you fools. Good lord.

[C]

Oh, yeah, read a book.

[B]

Yeah, read a book. Anyhow, the tracks were made.

[A]

Anyhow, being in the paper is incredible. Like that is like a get back and get back on track. And you're writing a article. Anyhow. What was I talking about? Oh, right, this paper.

[B]

Anyhow, the tracks were made by something. The editor saw them. The news spread all over town and all kinds of gossip has been indulging since.

[A]

Everything that's gossiped is true.

[B]

The paper.

[A]

We might have a devil gorilla, the rarest breed.

[C]

Satan's monkey sitting at table six at the country club.

[A]

Yes, we'll have some more banana flambe. That is obvious.

[B]

The papers recently carried accounts of big tracks being found in Marboro county. And it is stated such a revelation has appeared in one of the western counties of South Carolina. So now everyone's like, wow, we got them too.

[A]

We also have a gorilla.

[B]

It was all the talk Monday and adds the shades of evening gathered. A spooky feeling pervaded. Many households, especially children were excited. Now the creature making the tracks has not been seen except possibly in the imagination of some nervous folks.

[A]

Yeah. No, it's bigfoot.

[B]

But the tracks did not stop in the swamp near the laundry and Presswood crossing. Lo and behold, Tuesday morning comes the news that the same kind of looking indentures were being and thereby did appear in a field on the plantation of. Of Mr. Lid Jordan. Automobiles hastened out in numbers to witness the mysterious affixments upon the earth. And the report was found to be correct. The editor talked with Mr. Jordan and he confirmed the rumors. But Mr. Jordan gave his opinion that quote, it was all a put up job. Look, it's fall. It's the fall time of year.

[A]

I don't need you to tell me.

[B]

What time of year when fall is happening. That means you Got football. You can run around and jump in your leaf pile. The beers are colder. They're just outside colder. And you're. If you're still wearing those kind of gnarly old boxers, the beat up ones that you like to wear under your flannels and your jeans and stuff, it's. Stop it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's time to upgrade. And we're talking about me undies. Crazy soft. Like, you don't ever want to take them off soft.

[A]

No, you have to.

[B]

You have to. Because it's law.

[A]

But you don't want to, but you will. Come on.

[B]

Yeah, the law says you have to take off your underwear.

[A]

Every.

[B]

Every.

[A]

There's. What? Look, get. I would say get a number of pairs and have.

[B]

Yeah, get a bunch.

[A]

That's the human.

[B]

That's the best way to go. Meundi. They're made with micromodal fabric that feels like a cloud, but they still. They still breathe when the things get heated up.

[A]

And I bet some people are going, how do these guys know what a cloud feels like? Me undies took us up in a hot air balloon.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

Allowed us to touch clouds.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And. And, and they. What they did was they go here. In one hand we have cloud and another one we have underwear. Which is which? Yeah, neither of us got it right.

[B]

Couldn't tell. Couldn't tell. So, yeah, so you're gonna want to upgrade. And they've got legit stretch. Like, they really stretch, so it's good. There's style. They got style for everyone. Mandy's has a cut for every different kind of butt you got out there. 20. 20 different styles, designs.

[A]

They're cool.

[B]

Over 100 different colors and prints. Incredible comfort, like we said. Super soft, breathable, stretchy. Just cozy like you want to. You want to just make that your house.

[A]

Like someone's hugging you.

[B]

Like, I would like to live in me undies. And they're. They're. They're responsibly sourced, so that's very, very helpful. Look, we're fans. We wear them. I'm. I've got them on right now. Gareth's. I'm going to take them off and then Gareth's going to wear them.

[A]

Yep. That's the way this custody stuff works.

[B]

We. Yeah, we did have a custody battle over the me and it came out pretty even. 60, 40. So look, right now, as a listener of our show, you can get cozy and spooky for less with deals up to 50% [e-mail] dollop and enter promo code dollop, that's me. Undies.com dollop promo code dollop for up to 50% off me undies comfort. That's made for fall.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The dollop is brought to you by Mood. Not just like moods, because they don't. Moods don't have sponsors. Now we're talking about Mood.

[A]

Correct.

[B]

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[A]

Take it. Enjoy it.

[B]

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[A]

That's right.

[B]

Discreetly.

[A]

Oh yeah. You don't even know this person's been there.

[B]

No. No one walks up and screams, there's stuff in here.

[A]

Just there. It's like Santa.

[B]

That's right. And you can get 20 off your first [e-mail] with promo code Dollop. Yeah, they got gummies. They got everything in. It's the, it's the stuff, it's the gummies.

[A]

The way to go. Big fan, big thing.

[B]

Totally. You got sleepy time gummies that'll put you.

[A]

Sleepy time gummies are so helpful. Yeah, I can't. Yeah, many people struggle with sleep. Get a sleepy time gummy.

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

Oh boy.

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[A]

Well, why write an article so long about fucking hoax?

[B]

Because everyone's talking about it.

[A]

Yeah, but he really?

[C]

Like a set of footprints.

[A]

Yeah. He led us along on that ride.

[B]

He really did.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

He's like. You know that poem, Footprints in the sand, about Jesus? That got a lot of traction, so I started writing. People love that story about possible guerrilla tracks in Dylan, South Carolina.

[A]

Well, it actually opens an interesting idea for an article. I would like to track those Jesus steps on the be. What we got here, boys, is a faux Christ.

[B]

I guess my question is, the gorillas have a devil.

[A]

By the way, if Jesus was put on that cross, he probably shouldn't be walking on open sand and carrying someone that will get infected. The only person who will save him is Jesus himself, whom he might be, but if he's not, I think we're thinking of a cross. Gorilla. Go ahead, Sarah.

[C]

It is interesting that, like, you know, it ends up at the Jordan. Jordan farm or whatever. Yeah, Jordan does have big feet.

[A]

Whoa. Tar Heels. Whoa.

[C]

What a. Yeah, it looks like in.

[A]

Between the steps is a length of a free throw. Each step has the cadence of a man running and jumping from the free throw line.

[B]

Oh, you'll like this ending, Gareth. If any further developments occur, readers of the messenger will be told of the facts next week. So, children, don't get excited, don't be alarmed, for the wild man will do no harm.

[A]

I don't care for it.

[B]

How would you know?

[C]

Oh, see, it is a poem.

[A]

Yep, it is. It is.

[B]

How would you know the wild man will do you no harm.

[A]

Well, I think it's. We haven't seen any bones near the track.

[C]

Because they invented it.

[B]

Yeah, it's all made up for the paper.

[A]

Don't worry.

[C]

Invented the wild.

[A]

This is lore.

[C]

So I could tell you he's safe because he is a figure of my imagination.

[A]

Bullshit. Can't buy.

[C]

Space in a. He wrote anyhow. Anyhow, he's clearly trying. Remember when you were writing papers in high school and you, like, they needed to be, like, so many pages long, you would use a lot of extra words.

[A]

Oh, the amount of times I would write. What was I talking about? Oh, wait, what was I talking about again? Therefore. So many therefores. Which leads me to believe. I do remember. I do remember starting a paper once by saying, when I started this paper, I thought euthanasia was about young people in Asia. And my teacher just, like, crossed it out and was like, do not include stuff like this. I was like. I was like, buddy, I came up with a great joke, and I didn't realize, like, other people had made the joke. I was like, yeah, that's A great joke.

[B]

Caught booze suckers.

[A]

Caught booze suckers. All right. Drunk vampires.

[B]

A few days ago a liquor salesman visited Chira and Bennettsville and it is reported that he picked up a thought a couple thousand from our good citizens, the advanced agent of booze.

[A]

That's a great name of a bar.

[B]

It is actually. It is, yeah. Informed.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

The advanced agent of booze.

[B]

Yeah. Informed his eager purchasers that a truck was following him with liquor refreshments. Liquor refreshments.

[A]

This is a dream now. This is 2021.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So prohibition.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. I believe it's already.

[A]

This is like the best. Sir. Let me change my come filled pants.

[B]

It is said that a good many of the aforesaid citizens of the two towns purchased heavily stocked up for Christmas. So they're like, he's like awesome. There's a giant chuck of booze behind me. Would you like to give me money for the booze that isn't here yet?

[A]

I've been tracking him.

[B]

The salesman said that he would accept checks, but the purchasers, not wishing to leave any trouble behind them shelled out the long green.

[A]

Oh, that's a good way of putting it too.

[B]

For a short time after his departure there was a smackering of lips and anticipation. Like some real stuff lies none of your home made brand. But before long the pleasant anticipations were changed to ancients anxious expectancy and then dire grief for load the truck with its cargo of oh, joyful has not yet arrived.

[A]

Oh no.

[B]

And now the leading citizens are sadder, but wiser.

[A]

But wiser. I mean, I don't know, they're pretty fucking stupid. Yeah.

[C]

Did they read the article that proceeded directly above this? I don't think they're wiser.

[A]

No, they're not. They're only wiser because they don't believe there's a gorilla hopping from farm to farm. They're like they paid a man for future booze.

[B]

They're smarter idiots.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Oh man, that guy, when he got money, when that guy got that money, he was probably just like, wow, this town is full of morons. Yeah, yeah. Coming right that way. Yeah. They have gin now, don't they, sir? Oh, more than you could believe, sir.

[C]

Yes, yes. It's like the land of milk and honey. But it is, you know, booze and rum.

[A]

Oh, it's got everything you could want.

[C]

Wild.

[A]

Sounds like this must be a big truck, sir. It's the largest truck your eyes will ever see, sir.

[C]

In fact, it's been making footprints all over the farm.

[A]

So sweet God, it's such a giant vehicle. It may as well be our Leaping Rilla. Why? This truck is so big. It'll be eating at the country club tonight, sir.

[C]

Isn't it, like, so beautiful that we literally used to believe anything and now we don't believe, Believe. Don't believe anything.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We skewed to, like. It's like we now believe. Like, we used to just be idiots, and now we love fantasy.

[B]

That's right. Yeah.

[A]

Now we're just like.

[C]

I don't know, like, someone's been trying to get ahold of me to give me a refund check for a doctor's bill, and I'm like, this is fake. This isn't real.

[A]

Don't know.

[C]

Spam phishing. It was like a real. It was a real amount of money, and I was like, oh, whoops. Like, I just assumed someone was trying to fuck.

[B]

Well, you know.

[A]

Yeah. You're so used every. You're just so used to everything being a ripoff.

[B]

What? What doctor's office gives you back money? I mean, who would think that's real?

[A]

Yeah. Honestly.

[C]

Yeah. Okay.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Yep. I also believe a gorilla is walking around a field.

[B]

Well, that's true.

[A]

I am.

[B]

I've seen the tracks.

[C]

You're right. Sorry. My bad.

[B]

Church for animals.

[A]

Finally.

[C]

That was called an ark. That was called an ark. Just in case we're all sure.

[B]

One of the good things which have gone to extremes seems to be the first church for animal rights which was organ secretly in New York.

[A]

My cat does not believe in God.

[B]

My cat believes heavily in Christ.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's planned to include regular Sunday services, a school for children in the cult, and an animal. Yeah, they're already going hard. Yeah.

[A]

Whoopsie. Didn't mean to say the quiet part out loud.

[B]

And an animal Bible composed of scripture passages in. In calculating humanity. So anytime they're taking any scripture passages that involves animals or has a humanity to animals.

[A]

Oh, so it's not just. You're not bringing your animals to. I was really excited for.

[C]

Yeah. I was thinking you were bringing your.

[A]

Animals to church and you have to leave. I was also thinking you have to leave.

[B]

You drop them off and.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And you're. Yeah, yeah. You're putting here.

[C]

It's like doggy daycare, but religious.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

So it's basically a doggy daycare, and then some guy's reading the Bible.

[A]

Yeah. And the priest is like, all right, animals, quiet down. Quiet down. We all know the term flock applies to man, but who more appropriate than for the Canine, the feline and a couple of lambs in the back. Don't worry, y' all shan't be sacrificial now.

[C]

Thou shalt not lick your balls while at a restaurant.

[A]

Just because one can taste his own ball bag doesn't mean he should. All right, perfect. Just throwing holy water now. Why do the dogs love it and the cats seem to fear it now?

[C]

Thou shalt not hump thy neighbor.

[A]

Thou shalt not hump thy neighbor. Thou shalt not puke and eat your own puke. When you puke, let your it. Someone will clean it up. Eating it is honestly very off putting.

[B]

Don't piss in the house.

[A]

Now, I understand you might have a worm. It doesn't mean you're allowed to scoot on the rug. Thou shalt not rug scoot. We all get itchy back there, and we deal with it in different ways. But you're always disgusting. That's a rug. That's for maybe laying by the fireside or having a scribble at a journal.

[C]

This is the 1920s, you know. Grandpa sleeps on the rug.

[A]

That's why we're letting Grandpa die. No. No butt scooting cats. Why are you eating your fur? It's crazy.

[B]

The purposes of the new church are announced to be the teachings of the oneness of life and the awakening of humane consciousness.

[A]

Well, that is actually great.

[B]

The championship of the rights of animals. These rights being defined as similar to the human rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

[A]

I. That. I. I think that all the. I mean, all the time, I'm always just like. But none of this ever, like, we're just like. Obviously, there's not really a sense of equality any longer, but when we were fighting for it, we were like. And pigs should live in cages with one inch of room. Yeah, because bacon.

[B]

Yeah, because bacon. The development of.

[C]

Yeah, you're right. I'm with you.

[B]

Yeah. The development of the character of you through humane education and the attitude toward human organizations and animal societies. As their spiritual foundation head, I would.

[A]

Go to this church. I would definitely be in there. If it was just all animal teachings.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, yeah. I mean, I think a lot of people would probably really enjoy the Bible if it focused on animals more than your own.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Faults.

[A]

But it'd probably be shorter, too. It'd be a lot shorter.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Church would be way shorter. And then you get to go eat chicken.

[A]

Yeah. And then right after, he's like, yeah, right after. All right, now. Who wants a burger? Cows don't count. Yum. There we go.

[C]

Yeah. Cool, cool, cool. Thanks. Worshiping animals. We're not vegetarians, though.

[A]

There you go. Well, I'm not saying we don't eat meat.

[B]

So this next headline, it's blurred, so I can't. I can't tell this first word.

[A]

Could you go into this headline like an mc, bringing up the headliner? Is that possible? Like, you're gonna love this next article.

[B]

You're gonna love this. This next article. He came from south of the. It. Sorry, it came from south of the border. It's. He's a really. Well, you're gonna see, but he's. He's. He's kind of off his rocker a little bit.

[A]

Whatever.

[B]

Snorting Hernando was some hard boiled guy.

[C]

Wait, snorting Hernando with some hard boiled guy?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Is the headline.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yep. That's at the funny bun.

[C]

Snorting.

[B]

Or it could be shorting, but it's.

[C]

Got to be Snorting Hernando does sound like a. Like a sidekick or like an opening act.

[B]

Completely snorting Hernando.

[A]

This guy does colleges all over the country. He tours all the time. You're gonna love. Give it up for snorting Hernandez. He's got a podcast.

[C]

Yeah. He's only done clubs and colleges, but he won't let you say clubs and colleges.

[B]

That's the best.

[A]

You've seen him on Comedy Central and tv. Nobody could prove any of this. Snorting Hernando.

[B]

The funniest thing when I used to.

[C]

Byron Allen.

[A]

Byron Allen, Byron.

[B]

The funniest thing is when I used to Comics Unleashed.

[C]

Yeah, he. He's only done, like, clubs and colleges, but he makes you introduce him as you've seen him on Comics Unleashed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

By the way, Comics Unleashed. There's nothing that unleashes comics more than their scripted bits.

[C]

Coming back, by the.

[B]

Way, like a billionaire.

[A]

Well, because Byron Allen now has his own channel. Yeah, yeah, he has. Like, I can't remember what it's called, but. Oh, Sarah, listen, I don't ask for much. Get me in the blood. All I want is to be on one of those shows. Fake, laughing at other people. Just. All I want are my cutaways where I'm like, that was hilarious, Jack A. I'm dying. I watched that show. That's like the most in the backgroundable show. The shows on Byron Allen's channel. The best.

[C]

That's how. He's a billionaire.

[A]

Yeah. Yep.

[B]

Yeah. So much money.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

But that's what you do. And you just. You can make a lot of money when you just go against unions. And really just.

[A]

Oh, buddy. Someone. Some of us are trying to get on that show. Sorry, Sarah. Nice try, buddy.

[B]

Showed gang who was boss when time came to go. But he saved enough to get home. Okay, whatever. Hernando Cortez, the lad that took Montezuma's marbles and his country and his life away from him. What, back in the 16th century, was a hard boiled guy.

[A]

What the fuck is happening? This is, like, Maxim.

[B]

It's an article from the 16th century. It's.

[C]

Oh, you went. Okay, you went Maxim. And I was thinking, somebody's doing their book report and they put it in the paper.

[A]

Yeah, there's that, too. I just like the idea that, like, it's just like, hey, this guy was. This lunatic was pretty awesome. It's. We're so far removed from. How funny is it that, like, society was just far more informed when FHM and Maxim existed. Like, we were back then. Like, boy, we're idiots. And now, like, at least there was, like, some substance to our.

[B]

Okay, it looks like his name is Sea of Cortez. Yeah, yeah, it's probably named after him.

[C]

No relation.

[A]

No relation.

[B]

His name is Hernan, not Hernando. Was a Spanish conquistador who led an expedition that caused the fall of the Aztec Empire and brought large portions of what is now mainland Mexico under the rule of the king of Castile in the early 16th century. Cool, man.

[A]

That is cool. Yeah, I like him.

[B]

Yeah, he sounds awesome. From the time he crashed his way into his first bullfight by carrying water for the horses, he was always inviting old man troubles. Youngest and brightest boy out to do four rounds before breakfast. What in the Is happening?

[A]

I don't even understand.

[B]

The neighbors used to say. Yeah, quote, that Hernie Cortez is a reckless young feller. Mark my words. He'll come. No good.

[A]

Wow. What. What a weird.

[B]

What in the fuck? This is, like, fan fiction.

[A]

I like the idea. I really like the idea of, like, start, like, doing that, like, wistfully. But that guy's a hell of a guy. His end will be dark.

[B]

But Hernie used to get by with it. His motto used to be, quote, I don't know where I'm going, and I don't care when I get back. What the fuck is this?

[A]

That's hard boiled.

[B]

About a conquistador.

[A]

That's a hard boiled attitude. That's hard boiled. That's two. That's eight to 12 minutes in boiling water and then put in ice.

[B]

People used to wonder how he did it until they discovered. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People used to Wonder how he did it. Until they discovered that Cortez always had an ace in the hole. He always had something saved up and ready for use when necessity demanded.

[A]

I guess I speak for Sarah and I. And what are the specifics?

[B]

While he was snorting.

[A]

Snorting?

[B]

Why are they calling it snorting?

[A]

What is he snorting?

[B]

I don't know. While he was snorting around the Caribbean Sea in a steel vest and a tin hat.

[C]

Okay. Snorting.

[A]

Snorting around.

[C]

I love how funny Dave is finding this. This is so funny.

[A]

I know. Yeah, it's really hilarious.

[B]

It's just so casually written about a conquistador.

[A]

It makes very little sense. But snorting is your action verb when you're just walking or sailing is.

[B]

And his gang drops.

[C]

It's got to be a sailing term, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, it's got to be.

[A]

But the boys and I are just snorting around tonight. The wife and I are gonna go have a dinner, come back for a bit of a snort.

[B]

And his gang dropped into Veracruz. Cortez had heard about Montezuma and his wonderful city up in the mountains and wanted to go. The gang refused. Quote, I'll show you who was boss, said Cortez. And burned every one of his ships as they lay on the beach.

[A]

Man, that's some nice left eye shit. That's how you do it.

[B]

That is how you do it.

[A]

Anyone doubts you or doesn't want to go along with your plans? Yeah. He burned them. Yep.

[C]

Yeah. You just set fire to Andre Risen's house. That's, like, the best thing to do.

[A]

Well, excuse me, Sarah. No. You burn all of his shoes in a bathtub.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

And then there's some incidental. Yeah. Yes. It's called me. It's called bathtub messaging.

[C]

Well.

[B]

That. That left the gang no place to go but ahead, which was what Cortez wanted. But he saved himself up something for the future. Secretly, he saved every bit of iron about those ships, collected every nail from the ashes, tallowed them and all the carpenter tools against rust, and said to the gang, let's go.

[A]

Sorry, we're framing him. Burning all of his own ships like some genius move because they're like. But he collected all the metal.

[B]

He had all the metal, but all the people. All his people wanted to go home.

[A]

Yeah, but they.

[B]

So he burned the ship, so now they have to go forward. Yeah, but he's got the metal.

[A]

But he was doing good. He had all the ships. He had all the metal.

[B]

Metal from the ships.

[A]

Yes. Which were already constructed on the Ships. If people went home, he probably had.

[B]

More, but now it's in a pile.

[A]

Oh, good point. I get. You're right.

[C]

When he came back to very decisions people make. This definitely sounds like decisions that people make when they're snorting stuff.

[A]

Yeah, this will be a good idea. It's sniffing logic. Yeah, yeah. No, this is. I think snorting did mean coke. He's like, you know what? I'm just going to burn all the boats, and then. And then I'll still have the metal, and then we'll all have to go north. Yeah, that's perfect, dude. That's perfect, dude. Yeah.

[C]

And then we. We could make one sword that we all share.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, we all have one big sword. I'm like, yeah, it's got, like, 85. It could fit, like, 85 hands. Oh, give me a gummer. Give me a gumm.

[B]

When he came back to Veracruz, he cashed in on his savings. He resurrected the nails.

[A]

I'd like to deposit a bunch of nails. Sir, we're a bank.

[C]

Oh, you don't take nails at this bank. Okay.

[A]

All right. Then.

[C]

Business elsewhere?

[A]

Just some. I'd like to withdraw four pounds of steel.

[B]

He resurrected the nails, built new ships, and took the gang and the money they had captured back to Spain. Okay, so he kept all the iron because that was the only thing they couldn't make to build ships. So they knew they could build it with wood, which is.

[A]

I think my pushback earlier is being validated.

[B]

I'm just saying, guys do a lot of work.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. The moral is that this seems like.

[C]

Yeah, just seems like a very long process. Like, they could have gotten back to their families a lot faster had they not had to rebuild ships.

[A]

Yeah. Multiple ships, bad boss. Multiple ships. I do like that. The next part starts with the moral, because everyone reading this like, hey, what the actual is happening right now, anyway?

[B]

The moral is that it may be all right to burn your ships, but save the nails. Bang.

[A]

I literally am going to end this podcast. The moral.

[B]

The only safe.

[C]

Can you go ahead. Can you say the moral again?

[B]

Sure.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

The moral is that it may be all right to burn your ships, but save the nails.

[A]

Yep. Cool.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

No, nobody has any problems with it.

[A]

Yeah, we all have.

[C]

I mean, I guess. Yeah. Next time, when I burn my ships, I'll do that.

[B]

Thank you. You see, Sarah learned something. Why can't you?

[A]

She's being nice.

[B]

The only safe plan for any man to follow is to have a reserve fund in case of emergencies. And there is only one safe and sure. Plan to accomplish that is to save a certain amount of money every payday and invest itself.

[A]

What the.

[B]

Just.

[A]

This is the. This is like Jim Cramer.

[B]

Just listen.

[A]

This is so dumb.

[B]

And invest it safely where it will be protected, where it will work work for you, and where you can get it when you need it. The new saving securities of the Treasury Department, the savings stamps and saving certificates are the safest and most available.

[A]

Longest worst ad ever. The longest worst ad I've ever heard. And I'm including YouTube commercials.

[B]

That was great.

[A]

That is crazy.

[C]

I'm lowering my A1C.

[A]

Sarah, Sarah. When you're. When you're on a Hulu bender and you're like, if I hear these fat people sing about their A1C again, I'm literally going to go to Hulu headquarters with a sword.

[C]

Yeah, I'm going to. Yeah, I'm going to.

[A]

You know what I would really love.

[C]

But keep the court.

[A]

I would really love the investment. I would really love to start auditioning for B Roll. Acting in pill commercials. Like, where it's me and my friends, like, laying down a towel on the beach, and then we got to go to a lobster roll truck while it's just, like, my elbows got a little pink. So then I started taking pick Noxy. I'm a B roll actor. Me and my friends now. This is what we do.

[C]

Oh, man.

[A]

I just want to work as B roll and pill commercial. Just having sex. Like what? Yeah.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

Yeah. I would love to. Go ahead. What?

[B]

Sure. Death to insects. Okay, this is not a patent medicine advertisement, but the discovery of a Dylan man who says his remedy is infallible.

[A]

Well, that's. Trust me, in this era, that's always true.

[B]

Mr. D.V. perry, the automobile painter, said, quote, I discovered it.

[A]

Excuse me. Not a job. Job.

[B]

Automobile paper. You should think about it. You got to pay cars.

[A]

One guy.

[C]

It's still a job.

[B]

It's a job today.

[A]

Stop. And then. What's his first. What are his first initials?

[B]

Dv.

[A]

Dv. Dmv. Guys, tinfoil hat, everything.

[C]

This is domestic violence.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Domestic violence Perry.

[A]

Hello. My name is Domestic Violence Perry. I'd like to take you on a date. I see no flags.

[B]

Mr. Dee Perry, the automobile painter, said, quote, I discovered it by accident. And so I am passing it along for the benefit of my friends. Take your electric light globes and dip them in oil.

[A]

This. This is. This.

[B]

Hear me out. Hear me out.

[C]

Electric.

[A]

Say it as Alex Jones globes. Take your electric light globes and you're going to Want to dip these in oil? Okay.

[B]

Just ordinary oil that comes out of regular oil. Crank cases.

[A]

You want to have your crank cases.

[B]

Automobile shops out of your.

[A]

Out of your auto body shops.

[B]

And put the lamps back in.

[A]

Then you pop your lamp back in.

[B]

The moment you're going to be able.

[A]

To see the inside the head of an alien.

[B]

The moment the insects hit them, they drop dead.

[A]

Oh, so this is just. Oh, insects.

[B]

How to kill bugs.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Like frying them in light oil.

[A]

Sure, yeah.

[B]

I can't explain it. I do not know.

[A]

I don't think you can because we've heard you try. We had a quote what does the work.

[B]

But I know that it kills them.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

One of the globes at the shop got some oil on it. Oil.

[C]

Oh, sorry. There must be a delay. So.

[A]

Yeah, sorry. What'd you say?

[C]

Am I. Yeah, okay. I was saying that I think it's because when a bug lands on the oil, it's like wings or its feet get heavy from the oil and then they can't fly.

[B]

Yeah, that's right. Because they're. Because they're.

[A]

I think it just turns them Italian. Is that wrong? What?

[B]

We're gonna get some letters.

[A]

Why? Nobody writes letters.

[B]

People write letters all the time. Yeah, because. Because they wouldn't fly into oil if it's in a bucket. But they're going at the light and they love to hit that light. So. Yeah, that makes sense. Sarah. Nailed it.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

It's on their little wings.

[A]

On their little wings. And they never have been. A taste. Yeah.

[B]

To. I began to investigate and found that it was the oil in the lamp globe that had killed them. To make sure that my theory was correct, I took some of the oil home and dipped the light globes into it. His wife. What the fuck are you doing?

[A]

The domestic violence.

[B]

What are you doing?

[A]

The amount of times where you just have to think about the wife in this era of papers where you're just like, the wife's like, cool, and I can't get a job or do my own taxes. Honey, dip the globe in oil. We're gonna get rid of bugs.

[B]

That night, I had the pleasure of seeing hundreds of bugs and insects fly to the globes and then topple over dead. Yeah.

[C]

Ah, the pleasure. I had the pleasure.

[B]

Man, it is so great.

[A]

Dv, what are you doing out there?

[C]

We can't he just use the paint that he's painting the cars with and like spray the bugs as they're flying? I guess that would make a mess.

[A]

I like the idea of scorched Earth just painting the sky.

[B]

Why is there pain all over the. What the hell have you done?

[A]

Have you seen one bug, woman? Have you seen one bug?

[B]

Yes. They're flying with paint all over them, all over the place.

[A]

Well, their time is short. Everything's great.

[C]

It's also really fun. If you dip the little light bugs. If you dip the light bugs in blue paint and then let them fly, then you have a beautiful night sky.

[A]

He's just covered in blue. Everything's blue. I don't think you'll get bit by another mosquito for a minute. I'm leaving you. And that's not even possible in this time. I've invented divorce.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Since the wet weather in July and August, our house has been full of bugs and insects. Fine wire screens will not keep them out. They had annoyed us greatly, but now the bugs and insects are gone, as is my wife. Everything I love is gone.

[A]

I found a way to get rid of mosquitoes and my lovely wife.

[B]

I would advise, I would ask anyone who is troubled with bugs and insects to try the remedy. The oil is plentiful at the garages where they will give it away to get rid of it.

[A]

Excuse me. I was gonna see if you boys could give me another globe's worth of oil. I'm having a barbecue on Saturday.

[C]

I mean, honestly, I don't really hate that invention. I think that's a really fun idea. Good idea.

[A]

I can't. I honestly can see the monster footprint easier than what the. This guy's talking about. Yeah, I mean, he's just.

[C]

It's just. It's just car oil.

[B]

It's just car oil. You just dip a light in car oil and then the. The bugs kill them. It's a bug zapper in 1921.

[A]

I don't believe it to be true.

[C]

You.

[A]

You two are way too on board with whatever the. Look, it did it last. Do we hear about it now?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

This really took off.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

He should have patented it.

[C]

I mean, it was probably hot idea. It probably got the ball started for like. Like bug zappers.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'll bet you this guy was collecting money for this, saying that a truck was down the road with all the supplies they needed. That's how real this was.

[B]

Light bulbs and oil.

[A]

Yeah, just like a fantastical liquor truck.

[B]

He's giving away the idea. He's not trying to hold on anything. He's trying to not try to profit. He's being very neighborly.

[A]

You both sound a little hard boy.

[C]

South Carolina.

[A]

I mean.

[C]

I mean, People ask me, like, the hardest part about living in la, and I'm like, I, you know, it's Dodgers fans. But, like, honestly, like, other than that, like, I would pay 90% in taxes to live here. To, like, never have to go back to bugs or snakes that just, like, devour me all summer long. So I get where this guy's coming from.

[B]

So I'm on board when she goes back. She gets devoured by snakes every time.

[A]

I have actually seen some of your posts. This is why I don't come back.

[B]

Her poor mom. Her mom is literally just fighting off snakes day and night.

[A]

Well, we love your mother. We're big fans of your mother. Does your mother still listen to our show?

[C]

Oh, yeah, all the time.

[A]

Or is.

[C]

She'll be the first to text me.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

After she listens to this in her little sewing room as she's sewing her quilts or cat right now. She's been doing. She's been. Yeah, she's been making. Doing beaded stuff now. So she's been making, like, jewelry.

[B]

Oh, with beads.

[A]

Come on. I'm ready to wear it.

[B]

Yeah. Next level.

[A]

I'm ready to wear it. So you let her know.

[B]

Can she make.

[C]

Hi, Sue.

[B]

A crown?

[A]

Sue, if it's possible to give me a crown. And. And may I go around saying I'm the king of podcasts, if that's possible, Sue. Well, Sarah, thank you for joining us. Always a pleasure. People should listen to sports bitches. Are you. Do you go on the road and do stand up? I always hear clips. Are you on the road a lot? No.

[C]

No.

[A]

You have a child and a dog.

[C]

I'm always gonna be old enough and ugly enough to do the road, so I'm gonna just wait till my child is a little older. I mean, I do it here and there every once in a while, like when I actually have the time. But, yeah.

[A]

By the way, your next special, Old Enough and ugly Enough. Let's go.

[C]

And I'm on the road doing it.

[A]

Yeah, sure. No, believe as someone who's on the road all the time, that that hits home pretty hard. Well, thank you, Sarah. Appreciate it. You're the best. Thank you for returning as a champion.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Some of these days you'll miss me, honey.

[C]

Some of these days.

[A]

Hey, dollop fans. I know you love the dollop. You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five parter animation, which is actually like a 22 minute episode or 30 minute episode, I can't remember, of the rube, you can go to LakeSide Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the rube. It really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one, so go there and watch the rube.