149 - The Past Times with Matt Cobos

Summary

The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds

Episode 149: The Past Times with Matt Cobos

Date: October 31, 2025
Guest: Matt Cobos

---

Episode Overview

In this irreverent, joke-filled episode of "The Past Times," comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds, along with guest comic Matt Cobos, riff through news stories from the Detroit Free Press, dated April 8, 1925. With their signature wit, the hosts and guest dissect absurd headlines, outdated language, and bizarre legal proceedings from a nearly century-old newspaper—finding comic gold and social commentary in the peculiarities of the past.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Guessing the Newspaper Year

• The episode opens with the trio humorously debating which year the newspaper is drawn from, resulting in playful banter and mock high stakes (“you win Gareth’s car!”).
  • [02:22] Matt: "It's gotta be a pretty goofy time period, so it's gotta be early 1900s, late 1800s, right? So I'm gonna guess...1905."
  • [02:46] Dave: "Wins 1925."
  • [02:51] Matt: "Hell yeah, I knew I was gonna win."
• The segment highlights their improvisation and willingness to go on tangents.

Newspaper Small Talk

• They poke fun at the Detroit Free Press's self-described status as "Michigan's greatest newspaper."
  • [04:28] Gareth: "Would you do you counter that?"
  • [04:33] Dave: "It sounds like, but okay, it's braggy...that's what they do."
• They riff on the semantics of “free press,” both as a newspaper name and its literal pricing.

Jazz Slayer Courtroom Incident

• The first major story focuses on “Jazz Slayer” Dorothy Ellingson, bringing out the crew’s love of wordplay and incredulity at 1920s journalism.
  • [06:09] News Excerpt: "Jazz Slayer hurls glass in courtroom."
  • [06:18] Gareth: "A hardcore jazz band."
• The group spirals into imagining “Jazz Slayer” as an actual band and continues mocking the terminology (“matricide” as “murdering mattresses”), taking aim at period-appropriate legal language.
  • [07:14] Dave (about 'matricide'): "That's when you murder a bunch of mattresses. Yeah."

Notable Quotes on 1920s Gender and Legal Standards

• [18:03] Matt: "It almost sounds like they need to call this article 'Women, am I right?'"
• [18:14] Gareth: "You'll find as we go through a lot of these papers, women are judged less on the content of their character and more on I type, lip shape and bust size."

Noteworthy Riffs on Outdated Medical Terms

The hosts break down and lampoon obscure psychiatric and medical lingo, with Dave “inventing” conditions:

• [17:21] Dave: "She has no predeterminations in the hyper...Concentration of pre...Precocis Master. Malaysia with a bit of temptransatine."
• [21:09] Gareth: "This is just like...Some guy just was like, what are they gonna do? Google it? 1925. I'm gonna go in there and chat like I'm Dr. Freaking Seuss."

---

Cobbler Seeks Wife’s Arrest

An absurd story emerges of a war vet and cobbler seeking legal action against his wife, who beats him with a broom and withholds his prosthetic leg.

• [22:30] Read from paper: "Harry Rotman, 42 years old, crippled and a veteran of the Russian Japanese war, Tuesday secured a warrant for the arrest of his wife, Celia, 42."
• [28:14] Gareth: "She would not allow him in his room and threw him out on this. Wife minus. Ready for this? Yeah, Minus his wooden leg and all his clothes."
• The hosts riff endlessly on the legal situation, the divorce arrangement (“room and bath privileges”), and the idea of a judge who specializes in mending marriages through enforced make-out sessions.
  • [24:11] Dave: "I sentence you to kissing each other right now for like 30 minutes."
  • [26:51] Gareth: "Come on. My decision is Human Centipede."

Bawdy Judge Bit

A running gag throughout the episode features a “weird judge” handing out surreal, sexual, or nonsensical sentences.

• [27:30] Dave: "Yeah, the bailiff's gonna touch you."
• [40:00] Matt: "Kiss him on the neck."
• [40:01] Dave: "Gently kiss his neck. And then tell him you're gonna be Valentine's..."

---

Alcohol Consumption and Homebrew

The group unpacks the tale of Gigi Holloway, the “world’s champion consumer of homebrew,” who attests in court to drinking 40 to 50 bottles a day.

• [31:18] Gareth (reading): "Gigi Holloway, comma, Breakman is the world's champion consumer of home brew."
• [32:34] Dave: "But again, we don’t know the percentage. It's homebrew. It could be weak as, that’s probably strong, I would imagine."
• This launches them into a discussion about gravity bongs and wild teenage drug/alcohol stories.
  • [34:00] Dave: "That's how Chumbawamba started. Tug Mu."
  • [35:27] Dave (gravity bong explanation): “You’re taking a hit so large it could knock a yeti on his ass.”

---

Found Nude, Not Dead

Absurd police work is on full display in a story about a man found naked except for his shoes in a stranger’s barn.

• [36:47] Gareth (reading): "…discovered a middle aged man clad only in a pair of shoes."
• [39:08] Gareth: "They drove him home…except they neglected to get the man's name and address."
• The hosts crack up at the idea of 1925 police simply dumping a nude man at a random home.

---

Boiled Salad Dressing

A nonsensical headline about "boiled salad dressing" brings confusion and hilarity.

• [44:20] Gareth (reading): "This headline is boiled salad dressing."
• [41:12] Dave: "Like, the editor sees this article and, like, goes, shut the door. I gotta make some big changes."
• They imagine a deranged columnist boiling everything—clothes, hands, even private parts—in the guise of new culinary trends.
  • [43:02] Gareth (as character): "I boiled my hand."
  • [43:10] Dave: "All right, babe. That’s pretty good. Is it hurting? Yes. Yeah. Well, I guess…"

---

Friend of Abraham Lincoln Dies

A news item about the passing of a supposed Lincoln acquaintance turns into a bit about people fabricating tenuous links to fame.

• [45:44] Dave: "What is it he shaved his mustache and the rest remained a beard. How about that."
• The group pokes fun at the obsession with minor historical celebrities and dubious claims to fame.

---

Fight Over Late-Night Dancing

They cover attempts to ban late-night dancing, lampooning the cyclical panic over youth culture.

• [49:21] Gareth (reading): “…amendment permitting cabarets and other dance places to continue dancing until 1:30am instead of 1:00 clock as now is the case.”
• [49:43] Dave: "It is amazing how much limiting of everyone was always trying to do. Yes. Still are. Yeah, they still are."

---

Divorce on Broken Promises

The hosts examine a case where a woman divorces a man who faked being rich and left her to care for his kids.

• [52:24] Dave: "My penis was burned off in a boiling incident from my previous relationship."
• They gleefully roast outlandish marital promises and the lengths people go to maintain deceptions about wealth and status.

---

Runaway 10-Year-Old’s Adventure

The episode closes with the surprising, successful journey of young Elmer Welland, who hitchhikes 150 miles to relatives.

• [58:37] Gareth (reading): "And he began his 150 mile journey in high hopes."
• [58:39] Matt: "All right, maybe this kid's kind of a badass."
• The group alternates between admiration and dark comedic speculation about modern consequences.
  • [59:31] Matt: "I can't believe I wasn't trafficked.”
  • [60:23] Matt: "Yeah, this kid is really cool. I think we should give him a gun."

---

Memorable Moments & Quotes

• On “Jazz Slayer” headline:
  • [06:18] Gareth: "A hardcore jazz band."
• Mocking courtroom antics:
  • [09:15] Dave as an attorney: "Your Honor, this man is far too fat to have done anything like this. You kidding me?"
• On relationship judges:
  • [24:11] Dave: "I sentence you to kissing each other right now for like 30 minutes."
• Recurrent ‘weird judge’ sentencing trope:
  • [40:01] Dave: "Gently kiss his neck. And then tell him you’re gonna be Valentines..."
• On boiled salad dressing:
  • [41:56] Dave (as the chef): "Yeah, well, yeah, it’s burning my throat. Well, blow on it."
• Gravity bong nostalgia:
  • [35:27] Dave: “You’re taking a hit so large it could knock a yeti on his ass.”
• End-of-episode riotous hypothetical:
  • [60:23] Matt: "Yeah, this kid is really cool. I think we should give him a gun."

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [02:22] Guessing the newspaper year
• [06:09] Jazz Slayer hurls glass in courtroom
• [22:30] Cobbler seeks wife’s arrest / divorce drama
• [31:18] World's champion consumer of homebrew
• [36:47] Find man nude but not dead (barn story)
• [44:20] Boiled salad dressing headline
• [45:44] Friend of Lincoln dies
• [49:21] Late-night dance amendment controversy
• [52:24] Marriage on false promises (divorce case)
• [57:00] Runaway youth makes safe trip (Elmer the 10-year-old hitchhiker)

---

Tone and Style

The episode is consistently raucous, irreverent, and packed with improvisational riffing. The comedians do not hold back in skewering outdated social norms, poking fun at linguistic oddities, and subverting historical seriousness with present-day absurdity. Matt Cobos fits perfectly into the riff-heavy style, often egged on by Dave and Gareth’s willingness to chase the weirdest possible permutations of old news stories.

---

Summary

Fans of "The Dollop" will find this episode a perfect encapsulation of what makes the podcast shine: relentless comedic energy, sharp improvisation, and a talent for extracting both humor and social commentary from the dustiest corners of archived newspapers. By bouncing between real historic oddities and their own modern insights, the hosts make 1925 feel both ridiculous and relevant—reminding listeners of both how much and how little has changed.

Transcript

[A]

All right. Holy shit. All right, look, welcome. We're not even gonna bother. Welcome to the Past times. We're pissed. It is a podcast. You know what we do here each week we go through a newspaper from a random date in history picked out by some named Dave Anthony. I, Gareth Reynolds, have never seen it, and neither has this week's guest, who's not an Matt Kobos. Hi, Matt.

[B]

Yeah. What's up, dude?

[A]

How are you, buddy?

[C]

So you're not an asshole?

[B]

No, he's a. I. I mean, I don't think so, but I guess we're about to find out.

[A]

You're a nice guy. Colorado.

[B]

Yeah, man.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Denver. Yeah, dude. It's great, man. It's great. Yeah, dude.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Matt, where. Where can people find your tour dates? Talk about your podcast and your hair?

[B]

Yeah. I mean, how could I not? Yeah, dude. I mean, yeah, I got my do tour dates on matt kobos.com and I.

[A]

Have a podcast, C O B O S. Yep.

[B]

C O B O S. And I've got a. My tour dates. I mean, a podcast called Kobos Patrick Podcast. It's super fun. Me and my buddy just riff real hard and that's about it.

[A]

Hard riffin.

[C]

Hard riffin.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Living hard should have been called hard riffin.

[A]

Now, Matt, in the camera, you see of us, are you just looking at our shoes?

[B]

No, I see your full. But I see the totality of you.

[A]

And your thoughts on our bodies.

[B]

Pretty white.

[A]

Yeah, Very good. Yeah. Okay. Thank you. Well, Matt, we're gonna go through us.

[C]

Would you say, like, stop a Jack White level white or would you say.

[A]

You can't get whiter than Jack?

[B]

Maybe if we combined you. Maybe if we combined you.

[A]

Yeah. No, Jack White's illegal vampire.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Now, Matt, we're gonna guess what year this paper will be from. You get to guess first. It's not even for any other reason than it's. Dave will bring terrible energy to this portion of the show that was just meant to be fun. Is that.

[C]

What do you think you're doing right now?

[A]

And. And you will win, but it will not be based on whether you get it right or not. But why don't you go ahead. Why don't you go ahead and.

[C]

Do you think what you just did was good energy?

[A]

Why don't you just go ahead and guess what year you think this paper will.

[C]

Man, you're a sour.

[A]

Just. Just guess. Whatever year you want. I.

[B]

It's got to be a pretty goofy time period, so it's got to be early 1900s, late 1800s, right. So I'm gonna guess. I'm gonna go like 19. Early 1905.

[A]

I'll do a good guess. I'll do a. I'm gonna do a 1916.

[B]

Oh, I like that.

[C]

Wins 1925.

[A]

Well, feels like I was technically closer, but yeah.

[B]

Hell yeah, I knew I was gonna win.

[C]

So you win Gareth's car.

[A]

Wow. Yeah, I didn't realize outside there was.

[C]

A lot on the line.

[B]

High stakes, dude.

[A]

And I still was cheated.

[C]

Yeah, well, I wouldn't say cheated. You lost.

[A]

Okay?

[C]

Fair and square.

[A]

All right.

[B]

I don't even have a license, so that's pretty sick, dude. I finally have a car, but I mean, why not?

[A]

We should probably just let me keep the car.

[C]

But I gotta say, in Trump's America, you don't need a license to drive.

[B]

Oh, that's true, that's true.

[A]

Okay, dude, I, I'm gonna. Let's do this off air because this prize stuff, I think even the game shows normally keep a little off air. There's a conversation. So let's do that. Because I think there's a couple things here that are working in my favor to keeping the car.

[C]

It's an electric vehicle.

[A]

Yeah, right.

[B]

Oh, nice. Well, that. In Trump's America, that's going to get pulled over more, for sure.

[A]

Yeah. But I still. Nice. Matt, I'm going to need you to respect the rules of the. The game here a little bit, not just go to Dave's side because he's luring you with a beautiful electric car.

[C]

Congrats on the car, buddy.

[B]

Nope. Yeah, yeah, thanks.

[C]

I can't wait to see what someone wins next week. It's your first car, right? Have you owned a car before?

[B]

I. I've owned one, but I haven't owned one in about 15 years.

[A]

Okay, all right, well, let's just do the. Let's do the premise. Yeah, let's just do the premise of the show.

[C]

Now you don't have a car.

[A]

N. Again, I really feel, I, I feel very strongly that I'm gonna. I'm gonna push a lot on. I'm keeping what I. What I came here with.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Okay. I mean, it's weird to renege live on air, but whatever. No, it's April 8, 1925, the Detroit Free Press, which it says here, is Michigan's greatest newspaper.

[A]

Would you do you counter that?

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

The only one I know of, like.

[C]

It sounds like, but okay, it's braggy. You know, it is. You don't.

[A]

That's what they do. That's not as bad as, like, democracy dies in darkness.

[C]

It does.

[B]

Yeah. Well, it's the best free one. It's not the best paid.

[A]

Yeah. That's newspaper there. It is. Yeah, that'd be great to be, like, Michigan's most expensive paper.

[B]

Totally.

[C]

Oh, I love that. You can't really call it the free press, because then people are like, well, can I just have it? And they're like, no, it's 25 cents.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

He's like, what's the.

[A]

Your honor, in my defense.

[B]

Yeah, they were free.

[A]

They were free.

[C]

By free, your honor, we meant, like, free speech, like the free press. That's what we were. That was the tight. That was the idea behind the title.

[A]

He has a point. I'm gonna. I'm gonna go a thousand down the freeway in my car.

[B]

Freeway.

[A]

I mean, I really don't. I'm not understanding the limits.

[B]

No, I'm going a thousand on the freeway in your car, dude. For sure.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Y.

[C]

No. Yeah, he's right.

[A]

No.

[C]

He'S right.

[A]

That's it. I'm hosting his podcast. No, I'm keeping my car.

[C]

I'm keeping it. Comes with everything that's inside of it.

[A]

That is not true. I'm taking my Dracula cape.

[C]

Whatever's in there.

[A]

I'm taking the Dracula cape.

[C]

You got a Dracula cape?

[A]

No, you don't?

[C]

Awesome.

[B]

Yeah, there's probably some clothes, maybe some extra shoes in there.

[A]

Definitely clothes. Definitely shoes, extra shoes.

[C]

Yeah, it's good. Some coins, probably.

[A]

Okay. It's definitely coins.

[C]

Jazz Slayer hurls glass in courtroom Jazz Slayer.

[B]

Hell yeah.

[C]

Jazz Slayer.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[B]

No way.

[C]

How is that not a band?

[A]

Jazz Slayer. Oh, my God.

[C]

A hardcore jazz band.

[B]

Well, the.

[A]

Just doing Slayer covers, dude.

[B]

Yeah. Raining blood in jazz talking.

[A]

Dude. That would be awesome.

[B]

That would be. That would be Slayer on more drugs.

[A]

Slayer went so heavy, their jazz, they fell off the spectrum of music.

[C]

Halt's trial with hysterical attack on lawyers. Scores. Talk of delusion.

[A]

Well, okay.

[C]

This has happened in San Francisco with a wild hysterical outburst this afternoon. Dorothy Ellingson. So close to Ellington.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

Ellingson. 17 year old. Matricide.

[A]

Matricide. What? That's when you murder a bunch of mattresses. Yeah.

[B]

Mattress killer, dude.

[C]

Yeah. It's hard to get a job at another mattress.

[A]

Although a lot of people I know are saying that it's not a matricide, that it's. It's just a spring cleansing.

[C]

That's fair.

[B]

I was worried she might be a hooker.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Hurled a glass of water upon her attorney and temporarily halted the Progress of her trial for sanity. You can throw water on someone and be sane.

[A]

I also, like. I would be like. I just. That would be the best time for a judge to be like, hold on, I want to see where this goes.

[C]

Yeah. Have you ever thrown a glass of water at someone or just, like, you know, thrown water on them?

[A]

I've definitely thrown water on someone, yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Have you ever poured a beer over someone's head?

[A]

I've poured a beer on my head and other people's heads.

[C]

Would you pour a beer or someone's head who was really opposed to having a beer poured off?

[A]

No.

[C]

Trust me, it's one of the greatest moments of your life for you.

[A]

Matt, thoughts? Yeah.

[B]

I mean, you pour a beer on your attorney's head in a courtroom. Now we're talking.

[A]

Like, if I was in the jury, I'd be like, yeah, this guy didn't do it.

[B]

Hell, yeah. And, you know, the judge probably hates these attorneys, so when that happened, he was probably like, you know what? You're right. Steve's a fucking dickhead.

[A]

Yeah, fuck you, Steve.

[B]

Dude.

[C]

You can't say those things about me. She cried hysterically and burst into tears.

[B]

I.

[C]

All right, well, she doesn't like what her lawyer saying, so you got to throw. You got to.

[B]

It's your lawyer.

[C]

Yeah, but you got to stop him somehow.

[A]

So great for your lawyer to be your lawyer. Is that. Your Honor, look, he's obviously a huge piece of. Nobody here wants to be involved with this man in any way. Good Lord. I was behind closed doors with him.

[B]

Your honor. My fat client did nothing.

[A]

Your Honor, this man is far too fat to have done anything like this. You kidding me?

[C]

Look at this porker.

[A]

Unbelievable.

[B]

Your Honor, he barely got in here.

[C]

I'm not. I'm barely heavy.

[A]

Sir, the defense. You're out of place. Please, please stop this. Objection.

[C]

Aren't we rethinking the fat spectrum anyway?

[A]

More like slobjection. I mean, look at this guy. He can't even tuck a shirt in. He's got marinara stains on his tie.

[C]

Well, wait till I get on the stand. She cried. I'll tell them the truth about these things. The outburst came during the cross examination of Dr. Edward Twitchell, state alienist.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Yeah. All right. There's a lot going on there. I don't want my alien twitching.

[C]

First of all, an alienist is.

[A]

Now, I can't remember someone who.

[C]

I think he's like a forensic guy.

[A]

I study the fingernails of aliens.

[C]

There's a really good book The Alienist. Wasn't there a TV show? The Alien.

[A]

Yeah, the Alienist. Absolutely.

[C]

And of course, that's all that comes up when you try to look for.

[A]

There was a real show called the Alienist.

[C]

Oh, yeah. It was on for a while to study, understand, care for, and assist patients in overcoming their mental alienation or illness. So pre.

[B]

Pre.

[C]

Shrink. Yeah. The Alienist was on for two seasons, I think it was cbs, of course, a psychological thriller set amidst the vast wealth, extreme poverty of 1896 New York. And he would find the aliens.

[A]

It's a hunter.

[C]

There were so many aliens in New York in the late 1800s. Like, it was crazy. Just. Yeah, for sure. A lot of interplanetary.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

So, Defense counsel Sylvester. No one should be named Sylvester.

[A]

That was a good time.

[C]

Sylvester McEntee had been asking the witness hypothetical questions in which he enumerated alleged characteristics of Dorothy. Well, you can't ask hypothetical questions like, you can't.

[A]

Make sure you can. Your Honor, I will now be doing a. Would you rather. Yeah.

[B]

Would you have. Rather have Dorothy's big ears or her misshapen nose?

[A]

Would you rather your brother or marry your father? Jesus Christ.

[C]

What are we doing?

[B]

Hold on.

[C]

Well, then why do we have an alienist here?

[A]

Your Honor, CBS Thursdays.

[C]

He was in the midst of a hypothetical question in which he asked the witness if he would consider apparent delusions as to the truthfulness of statements made regarding the defendant as evidence of insanity. Apparent delusions as to the truthfulness of statements.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

Okay. Girl. Oh, she was. She was held by the bailiff with sudden motion. The Titian haired.

[A]

The Titian haired. Yep. Yep.

[C]

Titane. Titane. T I. T I A N. Titan.

[A]

Taishi. Titian.

[C]

What is that?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

No idea.

[A]

I just love figuring out pronunciations.

[C]

Why do we have this guy if he's not an expert?

[A]

I thought you were the hair guy.

[B]

It sounds like she's got. It sounds like she's got some sick gazongas is what I'm.

[C]

Tishan. Tion.

[A]

How are you spelling it?

[C]

T I, T I, A, N. I don't think that's a thing I've ever heard.

[A]

Taian hair refers to short red dish, brown, or brownish orange hair.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Hey.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

That's you.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You freak.

[A]

I'm a. I'm a Titian.

[C]

The last episode we had, I've got.

[A]

Titian hair, ginger, also. Pretty good people.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Probably a lot of them back in the day.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

The tissue and hair. Young defendant seized a receptacle containing water, so it's A glass.

[A]

Well, technically, but we don't have to.

[C]

Call it a receptacle. It's a glass.

[A]

Yeah. What is with this person who's just like tissue and hair? A receptacle of water.

[C]

I found my thesaurus.

[B]

Yeah, like, there's no.

[C]

It's. It could be a bowl. Like, why would there be a bowl of water in the courtroom?

[A]

Yeah, that'd be great.

[B]

It sounded like they were ripping on her appearance pretty good. Maybe they gave her a dog bowl.

[A]

Yeah, maybe I might go bowl. Exclusive for liquids now.

[B]

By the way, this is a really mean attorney.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

And hurled it upon Alexander Morin, chief defense counsel sitting next.

[A]

Matt, did you just have a sip from a receptacle of water?

[B]

Yes, I did.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

My tissue in front.

[A]

You're welcome. My friend.

[C]

Friend sitting next to her. And Sylvester McAtee sitting at the end of the table. She had an angry flame in her face. Well, that's problematic.

[B]

Yep.

[C]

The courtroom was thrown into confusion, and attendants rushed to the side of the girl. You must keep still, the bailiff told her sternly. She knocked over a bottle of smelling salt.

[A]

Receptacle of smelling salt. That's fine.

[C]

What in the is happening?

[B]

You couldn't come up with some creative name for a bottle on this one?

[C]

Why are there smelling salts?

[A]

Everyone gets the vapors just in case.

[C]

I get knocked out, your honor.

[A]

Yeah. Welcome to Rogan court.

[B]

Everybody. Everybody pass it around. Take a rip. We're gonna do some neuro gummies.

[A]

All right, come on, everyone.

[C]

It's now time to hear from Jamie.

[A]

Jamie's the judge.

[C]

Did Jamie take the stand, please?

[A]

You're Jamie. Is that true? Overruled. That was a fake video. Wow.

[C]

She knocked over a bottle. Smelling salts. As she held the glass of water. Well, now it's a glass.

[A]

Yeah. This is crazy.

[C]

She had thrown the smelling salts instead of the. Oh, sorry. Had she thrown the smelling salts instead of the water, she probably would have injured one of the men as the water landed upon their shoulders.

[B]

Interesting.

[C]

Well, if she had thrown the smelling salt, smelling salts would have landed on their shoulders.

[A]

It would have been great.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then.

[C]

Then there, everybody.

[A]

Everyone's like, whoa. Yeah.

[C]

Let's go, let's go. Let's try.

[A]

Get ready to try. All right, all right. Leave it all out there today. Leave it all out there today. Come on.

[B]

Your honor, I challenge the defendant to a push up contest.

[A]

Yes, you do. Yes, you do. Tarps off, bros. Let's go, dude.

[C]

Dorothy Ellison is sane but a moral defective in the opinion of state alienists.

[A]

Jesus, Christ, she's fine. But the worst.

[C]

Yeah, that's right. I mean, she gets it, but she.

[A]

Knows what she's doing. Which makes it worse.

[C]

Launching its battery of experts, the state today called Dr. Edward Twitchell, head of the city psychopathic ward, who declared he had been unable to find any evidence of hypoprenic dementia preco. In the youthful matricide.

[A]

Yes, medically speaking, she has no predeterminant. Hyperconic. Yeah, exactly.

[C]

Wait, what was it again?

[A]

She has no predeterminations in the hyper. Concentration of pre. Precocis Master. Malaysia with a bit of temptransatine.

[C]

Now, sir, are you making up words as you go on?

[A]

What I'm doing is a bit of improvidence of the conceptual landing of a.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, you are.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Well, the court agrees.

[A]

Yep. Thank you. Jamie, bring that up, would you, please?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It almost sounds like they need to call this article women. Am I right? Yeah, they're like, she doesn't have any medical problems, but she's kind of a. Right.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, Matt, you'll find as we go through a lot of these papers, women are judged less on the content of their character and more on I type, lip shape and bust size.

[C]

Yeah. The prevailing.

[A]

It's not wrong for a paper in this time to just be like Gladys Repute and huge knockers, nice lips, eyes, kind of a problem.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Also, here's her address.

[C]

Did she do.

[A]

Also always just be like, by the way, she lives there.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

If any of you like the sound of that description. That's her house, crime, her.

[B]

Jamie, pull up her address.

[A]

Jamie, get her address up here.

[C]

Defense experts had so diagnosed. Diagnosed her mental condition. So she killed her mom. So they're already like, it's a strike. Yeah, they're. They're coming in.

[A]

I think it's safe to say from all of us here at the past times. That's a knock. We don't love that. Yeah, but her mother was nothing more than a receptacle for organs and blood.

[C]

Thank you. You know who lived at 149?

[A]

Who's buried right over there.

[C]

Defense experts had no die. Had so diagnosed her mental condition. He followed Dr. Lloyd Bryant, an X.

[A]

Ray expert who declared, I'm able to see through my patients.

[C]

There was nothing abnormal about X ray pictures of Dorothy.

[A]

Well, I've X rayed her and no broken bones. So whatever's going on with her is based on something different.

[C]

Your Honor, I thought we would see a spider or some kind of demon inside.

[A]

I'll Also point out, your honor, I checked her mouth. Regular.

[C]

You checked it regular?

[A]

I checked her mouth.

[C]

Or it was regular.

[A]

It was regular. But I'm doing a lot of check ins. I'm checking her mouth often, and everything's fine. Regular.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So no demons?

[A]

No demons, no beetles. Nothing.

[C]

He denied that a closed cell tertia present in Dorothy's skull was evident.

[A]

Tertiary wise mental disease.

[C]

Tertia. I mean, you shouldn't have to look aboard so much.

[A]

Yeah. Maybe you should be smarter.

[C]

Yeah, well, I mean, we're not smart.

[B]

Yes. I struggle with today's words.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, 1905 words. Yeah. I'm going nuts. 19, 15, whatever.

[A]

It was 25. You'll get there.

[B]

Whatever.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Not so good with numbers either.

[A]

Yeah, I'm not a big numbers guy.

[C]

Yeah, it's. It appears not to be a thing, so.

[A]

It's not even a word.

[C]

This does not appear.

[A]

It's awesome. See, that's what I like. This is. This is just like. Some guy just was like, what are they gonna do? Google it'? 1925. I'm gonna go in there and chat like I'm Dr. Freaking Seuss. Yeah.

[B]

His editor is like, make it up. I don't give a. Yeah, it would.

[A]

Be great to just. Yeah. Back then. To have no check on that.

[C]

Yeah, the. The. The search engine here was like. Did you mean Criterion?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Nope. I meant Sella Tertia.

[A]

Well, the FBI knocks at the door.

[C]

Maybe they spelled it wrong, and it's with an S. Either way, it's. It's a term, and everybody's a liar.

[A]

Good.

[C]

No, Terentia was the wife of the order. Marcus, I don't think it's that one. All right, next story. Cobbler seeks wife's arrest.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

I'm on the cobbler side.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the guy makes shoes.

[A]

It's gonna be like a dessert. Was like, my wife.

[C]

Oh, that kind of cobbler. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

He's just made of peaches.

[A]

And ye. That woman over there. Now, hold on. Let's listen to the cobbler.

[C]

Russo. Jap war vet. Charges assault in warrant.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

All right, we'll just move past that.

[A]

And on.

[C]

Harry Rotman, 42 years old, crippled and a veteran of the Russian Japanese war. Tuesday secured a warrant for the arrest of his wife, Celia, 42.

[A]

I can't get over how I. We just started talking about it, but it. The way they always put some sort. Their descriptor after the name always feels like a Trump tweet. Read that again.

[C]

Harry Rotman, 42 years old, crippled and a veteran of the Russian.

[A]

Harry Rodman, crippled and a veteran.

[B]

Yeah. Mid shoes. Great shoes. His wife hated him.

[A]

Yeah, right. Yeah. Rosie o', donnell, dog talk show host.

[B]

Terrible shoes.

[A]

Terrible, terrible shoes.

[C]

She was charged with assault and battery. Rotman, who is a cobbler and lives at 1624 Division street, said he was granted a divorce from his wife by judge Theodore Richer three weeks ago.

[A]

Man, it's gotta. It's kind of awesome how hard it used to be to get divorced.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Seriously, like, I mean, you gotta like. I. As someone who's attended weddings, I. It should be harder to get out of it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I want people to really be like, before you fly to Mexico, let's really make sure that this is a hundred percent. And if not, I do like the idea of a judge having to be like, nah, you gotta stay married.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Dude.

[C]

I kind of like what's going on here. Nah.

[A]

Figure it out. What?

[C]

Nah, nah. Who am I? I'm Frank.

[B]

Yeah. Honestly, you guys are too fun together. Look at that.

[A]

I honestly. Would you just kiss. I sentence you to kissing each other right now for like 30 minutes. Lay there. I want you guys to lay down on the table and do petting and kissing. Heavy petting, heavy petting.

[C]

I want to see, like, real. I want to see, like, real getting into it. Like, you guys, let's see what you. Let's see what's still in there. You know what I mean?

[B]

Just hearing the judge go, nice, nice, nice, nice.

[A]

Hey, rub his dick nice.

[B]

The stenographer is getting all this down.

[A]

Has the jury reached a position? We have, your honor. The jury thinks they should do reverse cowgirl. They don't like looking at each other, but we still think they should be doing it.

[B]

Secret couple.

[A]

Secret couple.

[C]

The a specification of the decree he said was that he should be allowed to have a room and bath privileges in his house after the divorce.

[A]

He should be allowed to have room and bath privilege. So as much as I'm leaving her, I still want to be able to use the bath. Yeah.

[C]

So here's.

[B]

Even though I don't live here anymore.

[A]

I don't live here, but whatever I want, I could come in and bath. Come in and wash. Oh, yeah. Hey, ex wife, like, just he explaining to your new suitor. Who was that? So the judge in my divorce was kind of crazy. And so he's allowed to come here and just take baths whenever he wants. But other than that, I'm completely unfettered.

[C]

You want to hear an awesome story?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Go on a Date with this girl, hook up, go back to her place.

[A]

Yeah. This is an awesome story coming out.

[C]

Of the room a couple hours later, maybe four. You know what I'm talking about?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You nap, come out of the room, and there's a dude on the couch, and he looks at me and starts crying. I go back in the room, I go, there's a guy on the couch. She goes, yeah, we broke up and he doesn't have any place to live. And I'm just like, why would you bring me here?

[B]

Yeah, dude, you give him some tips. Tissue. You're like, you need some tissue?

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

That one's used. That one's used.

[A]

My bad.

[B]

Here's it.

[A]

Come out. Be like. So she said I should bang you.

[B]

To make it equal. That crazy?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Hey, I talked to this judge. He says you and I should be together.

[A]

I guess. So I went to court, and apparently I gotta bang both of you because of this judge. All right? Now the guy that you banged, he's gotta bang him, too. Your Honor. No, no, no.

[C]

Come on. My decision is Human Centipede.

[A]

I'm not sure what to do on an all new weird judge. Kiss each other a little bit. And then you gotta. Your kid's gonna join the circus. Okay, thank you.

[B]

Next.

[C]

Don't forget to work the nipples.

[A]

It's a murder trial. You did kill him. Okay. And his dad, he gets to bang.

[C]

You, but after a massage.

[A]

I don't know what's going on. All right.

[B]

Bailiff, give him a massage.

[A]

Yeah, the bailiff's gonna touch you.

[B]

He's a strong bailiff. Real strong.

[C]

Monday night, according to Rotman, his wife attacked him with a broom and beat him severely.

[A]

This is how I picture the twenties.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I. I wonder what his injury is like. Can he run?

[A]

I'm all dusty.

[B]

It's an arm or a leg thing. What's going on?

[C]

She would not allow him in his room and threw him out on this. Wife minus. Ready for this? Yeah, Minus his wooden leg and all his clothes. You wanted to know, Matt.

[B]

He's got no leg, so he definitely can't run. And she's hitting him with a bridle.

[C]

His leg fell off during the fight or whatever.

[A]

And just the judge listening to this. He can use the bathtub whenever. He's such a good judge. This guy's like the best judge.

[B]

Take his leg off, stick it in him.

[A]

There you go. Yeah, peg him.

[C]

Rotman said he'd given his savings of years to his wife, who banked them. He found Afterward in her own name. Well, that's not good.

[A]

All right. He can live in the crawl space with a cat.

[C]

Sir, can you meow for me?

[A]

Go boom. Next.

[C]

When he asked for money to buy a new wooden leg, he said she refused to give it to him. So he just wanted a leg with the money that he saved. I'm. I'm. This is 100.

[A]

Not real.

[C]

And also, I'm on that guy's side.

[A]

Sexist.

[B]

Yeah, dude.

[A]

I'm on her side. I'm so pro, woman.

[B]

He's like, I just gotta take a bath, lady.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

If he needed a new wooden leg, did that mean that he lost his old wooden. Wooden leg and that's why he didn't have it when he came in the house and she beat him up with the broom?

[A]

I feel like. Doesn't she have it? I feel like she has it.

[C]

I don't know. He just needs a new one, and they haven't talked about the other one.

[A]

Is he the cobbler?

[C]

He's the cobbler.

[B]

It's weird.

[C]

Is he the cobbler? No, this isn't a cobbler. He's a vet.

[A]

He's the guy we know. A cobbler.

[C]

So the Japanese guy shot his leg off.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Right.

[C]

Which he deserved. Okay. So she refused to get to him. The warrant was recommended by Thomas Frazier, assistant prosecuting attorney, and signed by Judge Jeffries. I wish we had more information.

[A]

Yeah, we have plenty.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm happy.

[B]

I mean, as far as, like, going. Getting. Having to get a new leg. I mean, I can't imagine that the legs they were making back then were very water resistant. So this thing could. Yeah, it could go bad every winter.

[A]

Yeah. But that. But to that point, probably real easy to find because it was. Probably. You just, like, went out in the woods. You're like, this will do. Here we go, honey. What about that? Okay. It's 1925. Yeah. Oh.

[C]

Yeah. I wonder. I mean. Yeah, you'd have to use a light wood, right?

[B]

Sure.

[C]

And. But a lightwood is easier to.

[A]

I want to see.

[C]

To harm, like.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Well, you're a wood guy.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Man. You're big into wood types. What do you think? Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know. I mean, it's got to be, you know, I don't know. Oak, maybe. That's pretty heavy, though.

[A]

Yeah. Or maybe you do do a broom, and then it's the first. Roomba.

[C]

What about a nice birch?

[A]

I love a birch leg.

[C]

50 bottles a day, mere appetizer.

[A]

That's right.

[C]

Here we go. Holloway. Breakman. Oh, wait, sorry. Gigi Holloway, comma, Breakman is the world's champion consumer of home brew.

[A]

Yeah, that's right. You make it, I drink it.

[B]

Dude, we already know what this guy looks like. He looks like every brewery guy. Beard, you know, a little bigger.

[A]

Don't want you hanging out with Gigi this weekend. Yeah, he drinks basement ales.

[C]

That's the only way I can get my leg.

[A]

Hey, how's it going?

[B]

I like a beer with a little stink on it.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

He admitted here in court today to a jury in criminal court, before which he was being tried on a charge of violating liquor statutes. So he admitted to being the world's champion of consumers. So he basically. Yeah, he said, I'm number one at making the beer.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Sir, are you drunk right now? Are you drunk? Are you drunk right now?

[B]

Your Honor, he's swinging a wooden leg.

[A]

Hey, look what I found. Hey. Hey.

[B]

No. Hey.

[C]

Holloway said the daily consumption of between 40 and 50 bottles of home brew.

[A]

Crazy.

[B]

Holy.

[A]

But again, we don know the percentage. It's homebrew. It could be weak as that's probably strong, I would imagine.

[C]

That's crazy.

[A]

We don't know what a bottle is.

[B]

It's just the receptacle, period when people already died.

[A]

Really young, maybe.

[C]

I feel like you might be an alcoholic.

[A]

Definitely.

[C]

It was a mere appetizer for him.

[A]

That's it. That's how I get warmed up. Is this Andre the Giant?

[C]

The jury failed to. To agree as to the defendant's guilt. So they.

[A]

So what was he charged?

[C]

He was charged with violating awesome. Violating liquor statutes. So that could be anything. That could be drinking. That could be selling.

[A]

1925. Are we in Prohibition?

[C]

Nope, we're out. Not. Not yet.

[A]

Okay, right, so then, so then this guy's just a badass.

[C]

Yeah, well, I don't know if that's. He drinks 40 beers a day, so I don't know.

[A]

Oh, here we go. Yeah. All right, Dave, we get it. You got that.

[C]

Sounds like he has a problem.

[A]

Sounds like it. Sounds like he has a problem and he found a Solution, which is 50.

[C]

Bottles of ale a day, that's a solution.

[A]

Home ale, by the way, the best kind. I normally find when I go over to someone's place and they've made themselves a little bit of, you know, something to that they've made at home. That's the best kind of booze. No, without question. No, I love a liquor. I, I, I love, like a homemade ipa. Something in the tub.

[C]

You just scoop with a mug.

[A]

Yeah, I love tub. Yes.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. That's how Chumbawamba started. Tug Mu.

[C]

You ever do tub bong?

[A]

I've done a tub. Yeah. I have done a gravity bong in a bathtub and I guarantee you Matt has.

[C]

Oh, man, of course, dude.

[B]

Of course. The guy was very surprised, but I did.

[A]

Excuse me. Man, remember when gravity bong started? How old were you when that happened?

[B]

Oh, man, probably 15, 16.

[A]

Yeah, I was a little bit older, but man, what a game changer. I was like, I didn't know you could get high for two days.

[B]

Totally, dude. It was, it was like the first dad.

[C]

No, people don't understand.

[A]

Yeah, it was, it was old school, Deb. So gravity bong, for those you don't know, is when you would put the, the bowl, the, the, the. The place where you'd put the weed on top of a 2 liter. Like where you would sip from and you would cut the bottom off of the 2 liter and you would basically submerge the 2 liter up until like near the top. So you didn't want the weed or any of the apparatus to get wet, where the weed would be going. But then we realized that if you light the bowl and let inertia, sort of the water will do the sucking of the weed for you. You take the weed part off of where you would sip from, put your lips there, you're taking a hit so large it could knock a yeti on his ass.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And man, oh man, would you get high.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would really knock you into next week.

[A]

Dude, it was nuts.

[C]

Yeah, did that. Some genius, some science nerd.

[A]

Whoever invented it doesn't remember inventing it. Who came up with this?

[B]

Yeah, you did, dude. Yeah, he ripped it and he was like, where am I?

[A]

Yeah, whose idea was that? I'm alone.

[C]

Am I French?

[A]

Wait, what? What happened?

[C]

Find man nude but not dead.

[A]

Nice, nice, nice.

[B]

This sounds like a lucky find.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I assume he's laying down or.

[A]

What's his address?

[C]

Yeah, we'll find out. With screaming siren and roaring exhaust, the police flyer tore out of its garage Tuesday afternoon at 5 o' clock to answer a call that said a man was being killed at 936 Congress street.

[A]

Probably where he lived.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. And he was fine.

[C]

Yeah. The officers arrived on, on the scene and went around to the barn in the rear of the house where the alleged murder was supposed to be taking place.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Entering, they did not find a murder in progress, but instead discovered a middle aged man clad only in a pair of shoes.

[A]

Hello?

[C]

Hi, guys. I Was Al.

[A]

And I want you people cobbler just made these killed.

[B]

No, I'm killing it right now.

[A]

What are you talking about? I'm cooking dinner in boots. I'm awesome.

[C]

A middle aged man clad only in a pair of shoes, who, hello related a mournful ale of whiskey plus strange companions. Who took all his raiment.

[A]

Raymond, this is a lot sadder. This is not. This is some guy who's basically like. They took it all, the cops. Like, I mean, his spirit's been murdered, but he still exists. Oh, who called? Let me guess.

[B]

You guys ever seen a hammer like this?

[A]

Hello, boys.

[C]

Yeah, what is a remon? Old fashioned word for clothing, particularly fancy clothes.

[A]

I've lost my Raimel.

[B]

Damn. They just stripped this goose this dude down and let him keep his shoes.

[A]

Yeah, the shoes is a nice touch.

[C]

I mean, that's a party, right?

[A]

Let him keep them.

[C]

Yeah, and then they must have called the cops and said there was a murder just to with them.

[A]

There's been a murder. Yeah, well, don't do that. Just leave, dude.

[C]

Yeah, they swatted him.

[A]

Yeah, they swatted him.

[B]

Yeah, he's got a huge weapon between his legs.

[A]

Yeah, he's got a big. He's got a real big weapon here, officer.

[C]

Kind hearted policeman tossed an old cloth from the floor.

[A]

No, no, I'd rather remain like this. Yeah, he threw a cloth at him. What a kind cop. Here, take this rag for your dong.

[C]

From the floor of the flyer over the shivering man and drove him home. Oh, it wasn't even his house.

[A]

He's cold as shit.

[C]

Wow. Well, whose house was it?

[A]

That we don't know.

[C]

It's a naked guy in your barn.

[B]

Yeah, it's a dream.

[C]

The police took care of the situation splendidly, except they neglected to get the man's name and address.

[A]

Well, other than that, perfect detective.

[C]

They drove him home.

[A]

There we go. Well, you live here.

[B]

He didn't. Something tells me he didn't have his wallet on him. You know.

[A]

As they dropped him off, they're like, do you think we should have asked what happened, who he was, where he was going or any information? Yeah, in retrospect, probably shoulda. I don't know, who knows?

[C]

I feel like we solved the crime.

[A]

Coppin's hard. Copping ain't easy.

[C]

I didn't know we were supposed to get the guy's information.

[A]

Yeah, you take him to court. All right, so he has to wear your outfit and then you take his name. Weird judge. No, come on. And so that guy who likes drinking, he gotta drink one Bottle of booze out of that guy's shoe. Weird judge.

[B]

Kiss him on the neck.

[A]

Gently kiss his neck. And then tell him you're gonna be Valentine's. And then your wives. I gotta be best friends. They get on a bicycle. Bill for two. Thank you.

[C]

Boom.

[A]

Your judge.

[C]

We're judge. This headline is boiled salad dressing.

[A]

Well, I'm out.

[B]

That's insane.

[C]

Well, that literally can't be a thing.

[A]

Enjoy. And would you like to try the house boiled?

[C]

We have a thousand island boiled. We have a ranch boiled. We have an oil and vinegar boil.

[A]

I should point out all of our dressings are boiled. So if you. I don't know how you guys like them, but our dressings are all very hot and boiling.

[C]

Next time in boiled salad dressing, try California lemon juice in place of vinegar.

[A]

Hey, can I talk to you over here for a second?

[C]

Yeah. What's up?

[A]

So what's going on with you lately? It seems like you're melting down in the paper.

[C]

No, I'm just writing. I'm writing stories. I'm getting. Getting all the news out there. I'm.

[A]

I'm just cuz the last thing you were talking about was boiling a California dressing.

[C]

Yeah, boiled salad dressing. That's a thing.

[A]

Like, the editor sees this article and, like, goes, shut the door. I gotta make some big changes.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

God damn it. You've done it again.

[A]

This is really crazy.

[C]

Note the new tang and zest, the new flavor, the new delicacy. All famous chefs make theirs this way.

[A]

That's some guy lying. That's some guy just got caught boiling dressings. He's like, all famous chefs are doing this. This is a very regular cooking thing to boil your dressing.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

People are gagging on it. He's like, I know, it's really tangy.

[A]

Yeah, well, yeah, it's burning my throat. Well, blow on it. I mean, have you guys never eaten a salad before? My goal was always to combine the soup salad option. So I'm boiling the salad.

[C]

So do thousands of women now when you taste what a weird.

[A]

And every woman's doing it too.

[C]

The ladies.

[A]

So it's all chefs and all women are doing this. Hold on.

[C]

The salad dressing is almost boiled.

[A]

Kathy hit her head pretty hard doing.

[C]

Some stuff like this since she's been boiling everything. All right, I'm boiling the ketchup.

[A]

The good honey. Get it nice and hot.

[C]

Now, how boiled do you want your pizza?

[A]

You know, we don't need to cook it too much. Honestly, it's been pretty tough overall.

[C]

The boiled steak's ready oh, good.

[A]

That's gonna be really nice to eat it like that. Just sort of tell her I kind of placate her because she's just going through so much stuff.

[C]

I boiled my hand.

[A]

All right, babe. That's pretty good. Is it hurting? Yes. Yeah. Well, I guess.

[C]

Ready, though?

[A]

Oh, I didn't realize you were preparing it for a meal for later. Not for this meal.

[C]

No, it's not for eating.

[A]

It's not for eating, but you're preparing it for a meal.

[C]

Yeah, no, it's just. Boiled hand.

[A]

Boiled hand for. I'm not trying to poke too many holes, but. What are you boiling it for? Play catch. Oh, okay, great. Well, we'll go toss the football around a little later, babe.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

So she's just really. Her doctor said to just kind of enable it for a while.

[C]

Oiled me head, huh? Babe? I boiled me head.

[A]

Why not for a meal?

[C]

Getting it ready.

[A]

Get ready for what? Okay. I don't need. It's fine. You don't even need to answer. Babe, that's awesome. I'm excited to see that, and that'll be great to have it and know that what we're doing oiled me privates. All right, I'm gonna let Carl go, and then we could sort of talk about this a little bit further.

[C]

It's ready.

[A]

I probably should have jumped in earlier, realizing the evolution of where this was going with her.

[C]

Time to boil your dick.

[A]

Okay, I. I mean, obviously, I'm leaving her. I'm obviously.

[B]

This can't go on.

[C]

Oh, well. A friend of Lincoln dies at 74 years.

[A]

Oh, what a big. What a big deal.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What a. What a legacy. So what's your deal? I do Abraham Lincoln.

[C]

That's all you ever say to people.

[A]

And did I tell you about the time that Abraham Lincoln and I had a. Had to get. Had a day in the park? Yes, I did. Yeah, a lot. He was a very good friend.

[C]

Yeah, No, I know. You said that.

[A]

You know, for a name like Honest Abe, he could. He could tell a lie.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

All right, thanks.

[A]

Shot him in the head. They did what? Yeah.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

What a guy.

[C]

Yeah. All right, thanks. All right, I'll see you later.

[A]

He was hanging Dong, too.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Just listed on his credits. Friend of Abe.

[A]

A friend of Abraham Lincoln. You know how he came up with that beard, don't you?

[C]

No.

[A]

Oh, well, that's quite a story.

[C]

And, no, it's not.

[A]

Yes, it is.

[C]

No.

[A]

Yes, it is.

[C]

It's not.

[A]

Yes, it is. I bet you'd like to hear.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

What is it he shaved his mustache and the rest remained a beard. How about that.

[C]

Ms. Care? Oh, it's a lady. Ms. Carolina German, I should point out.

[A]

I was a woman the whole time.

[C]

74 who claimed to be one of the few remaining persons who had a close acquaintance with Abraham Lincoln, died today.

[A]

Yeah, now I'm dead.

[C]

Ms. German came here in 18.

[A]

How about that?

[C]

1894.

[B]

Yep.

[C]

When was Abe Lincoln killed?

[A]

Yeah, Abe was killed in 1841.

[C]

What was Abe Lincoln killed?

[A]

Well, he's killed in 1845. He's still alive.

[B]

I like how this newspaper is just keeping a roster of his friends and checking them off one by one.

[C]

65.

[A]

Yeah, 65 he died.

[C]

But this is saying, you know, he.

[A]

Didn'T die from that gunshot either.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

She was bungee jumping.

[C]

Is that true?

[A]

Yeah. Skull was in no position to take that sort of Yank.

[B]

Screams of cheer and fun as he fell.

[A]

Oh, he was having a real blast on the way down. But once the cord yanked him back up, everything came out of that head. It was like a pinata that got hit in a sweet spot.

[C]

She came here in 1894 from Springfield, Illinois, where she said she lived as a neighbor to Lincoln.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

She wrote many newspaper and magazine articles of incidents of Lincoln's life and character.

[A]

Well, that's what I've been doing this whole time.

[C]

She just made a living off lying that she knew.

[A]

You want to know? Did I ever tell you about how Abraham liked to go for a run?

[C]

You did. Did. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, did I?

[C]

Yeah, you did.

[A]

And what did I say?

[C]

He said he likes to go for a run.

[A]

Well, I've got an update to that story.

[C]

How is it updated?

[A]

Well, I bet you. Because did I tell you everything exciting about it?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

When he would go running, what would he do?

[C]

He'd yell, my beard.

[A]

He'd whistle. What do you think of that? Pretty crazy.

[C]

He's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

[B]

Oh, really? Yeah.

[A]

Well, I gotta. I gotta. You want an exciting story then.

[C]

No, I don't.

[A]

I got an exciting one for never. Tell you about when he had a tooth he had to get taken out?

[C]

No.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

Is that it?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

I'm dying. Thank God.

[C]

Warning citizens Oppose the new dance amendment. I mean, this.

[B]

This is prime, dude. Prime old news.

[A]

Is this a mandate to dance?

[C]

No, it's. There's a lot of. Against dancing.

[A]

I know.

[C]

Particularly ragtime.

[A]

You know, Abe used to cut a rug. Yeah. Yeah, he did.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

He would. He was a big crotch pusher when he danced with you.

[C]

What Are you saying he'd love to push it in. Jesus Christ. Okay.

[B]

He could drop that donk.

[A]

Oh, do you better believe it.

[C]

Last night, certain influences had introduced into the council a proposed amendment permitting. Permitting cabarets and other dance places to continue dancing until 1:30am instead of 1:00 clock as now is the case. So they're trying to extend dancing for. For 30 minutes.

[B]

It's awesome.

[C]

It's just chaos.

[B]

Like, hey, these people aren't busting yet. So go for 30 more minutes.

[A]

That's the judge with another 30. They'll probably bust. So let's just push it to 1:30. Does that sound good?

[C]

This amendment is a bad thing for Detroit. It is especially bad for Detroit's young people.

[A]

It, it is amazing how much limiting of everyone was always trying to do. Yes. Still are. Yeah, they still are.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

But it's crazy. It's crazy to just be like, I mean, I don't.

[C]

Feels great.

[A]

Yeah. That's the, that's the whole thing.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

We're like biologically inclined for it. So if we're talking about the, the biblical limitations set on us, why were we created to want to.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Just to have a weird trial at the end of our life. Yeah.

[C]

Basically.

[A]

You too much. You made me want to. Yeah. But the whole thing was to not do it. Yeah. I put all this awesome stuff around you for torture.

[C]

It is about time to call a halt on efforts to make Detroit an all night town. The amendment looks like an opening wedge.

[A]

Well, I am for little did they know they could just do that by removing the infrastructure.

[C]

That's right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's a shorter route.

[C]

Divorce asked. As dreams fade, promise of wealth and luxury failed. She charges.

[A]

I. By the way, how great is it when you can, when you start a relationship, you're like, you're gonna make so much money. It is Trumpy.

[C]

It is.

[A]

Marry me. You're gonna make a lot of money and you're gonna have a lot of big orgasms.

[C]

Rosie dreams of wealth and comfort, which Milton Rosenberger declared, by the way.

[A]

Believing that Milton Rosenberger is going to provide this lovely life. Don't worry. I gotcha. I gotcha. Don't worry, Jake. You're gonna be so happy with everything that I'm providing for you. Okay, I'll go up on you real good.

[B]

Real good.

[A]

I don't worry. I'll find all your little nooks and crannies and I'll, I'll put money in them and I'll play with them.

[C]

Declared. Which Milton Rosenberger declared would be her daily life. If she married him, turned out to be far from the truth.

[A]

Every day you'll wake up to breakfast in bed, followed by a delicious coffee. And then whatever you want to tell me, I will sit there and take it. Followed by a beautiful lunch, then massages. Then we will have whatever entertainment you want for the evening. And then I will again. We'll promise you so many orgasms and money you'll be. You'll have the female. Even though the female orgasm appears to be somewhat of a myth, you will have one and it will change. Will shoot out of you, my darling.

[C]

It turned out to be far from the truth after she became as soon as you're married.

[A]

So it's all.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

My penis was burned off in a boiling incident from my previous relationship. Yeah.

[B]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm trying to watch. Watch the game.

[A]

Quiet.

[C]

Claire Rosenberger filed suit for divorce Tuesday. Ms. Rosenberger. Mrs. Rosenberger said Milton claimed he was a stockbroker of great wealth, but that.

[A]

I'm very rich, but that he was.

[C]

Working at the Ford factory as a laborer.

[A]

So here's my deal. I. I am extremely wealthy, but I work in terrible conditions on a factory. Factory floor with no union because I like to hang with my guys.

[B]

He's just coming home in a suit covered in oil.

[C]

He. He said he was working in the Ford factory as a laborer merely to tide himself over a bad deal.

[A]

I'll. I'll tell you, I have, over the years been in like a lift or. Or two where I feel like the driver has been doing a version of that where like, they are upset that they're driving for like, lift or ride share. And like, you know, you just be making small talk and be like, you know, I'm actually a big time producer.

[C]

Okay. Always.

[B]

Yeah. They're like, here's my mixtape. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You ever see the movie Snow Spiders?

[A]

Yeah. Because I just wrote it.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, that's cool. I burned copies of my podcast. I'll trade you.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's like I've. I before have. Like, I've done this a few times or like the ride from the airport to the club or whatever. I'll be like, yeah, I'm like a comedian. And normally, well, it'll either end one of two ways. One, the person either is getting free tickets, or by the end, I'm like, all right, I really shouldn't have done that. You know, that's crazy.

[C]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[B]

They're like, you and I should do something together.

[A]

I'm really exact. Yes. Where you're just like, so is that cool? Can I, can I actually, can I actually get on stage tonight? You're like, yeah. For sake.

[C]

He also promised her a splendid home, servants, motor cars, a country estate and other luxuries.

[A]

Holy.

[C]

After they were married, she said he didn't give her a scent. And also made her take care of his two children by a former marriage.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[C]

How did this guy think this is gonna work?

[A]

Well, how did she, like, she just didn't ask any. She was like, what's in that room? He's like, stay out of there.

[C]

There.

[A]

That's post marriage stuff. Yeah.

[B]

This guy rocks. He is promising the most insane that he can never come close to.

[A]

Yeah. I believe our first leave that he.

[B]

Finally has a wife.

[A]

Every friend before he met her. Hey. Before she shows up, a couple things. Okay, So I don't work for Ford. I am very wealthy. I have no children.

[C]

I'm a Rockefeller.

[A]

I'm a Rockefeller. Unfortunately, it. Oh, hello, Denise. Telling everybody how great you are. Wasn't I? Everybody? Wasn't I?

[B]

And we were just talking about finance.

[A]

Yeah, we were just talking about how great my portfolio has been doing.

[B]

He just carries around an empty manila folder all the time.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, boy. Well, I gotta go home and figure this out. Can I see inside the folder?

[B]

It just says money stuff on the tabs.

[A]

Unfortunately, you wouldn't understand. This is a lot of money. Funny stuff.

[C]

He was stingy with her, she said, and spent all he had on himself.

[B]

It doesn't sound like he had.

[A]

I, I. You know, there are certain times where two things can be true. One, that it. What a terrible piece of for lying and bringing her in that. But also, what a guy.

[B]

What a guy.

[A]

What a guy. Yeah.

[B]

This guy sounds like a fun party guy.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Where did the marriage fall apart? She discovered who I was.

[C]

She found the truth.

[A]

She discovered the reels.

[B]

She opened the money.

[C]

They're so nosy and they want to know what's real.

[A]

Oh my God. Is my wife the only one who keeps wanting to know my real name? What I actually do, why I lied about kids.

[B]

Why I'm getting calluses on my hands in finance.

[A]

Yeah. What's the deal with that?

[C]

Runaway youth makes safe trip.

[A]

All right.

[C]

This will be our last one, right?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

This sounds very encouraging.

[A]

Positive. Yeah.

[C]

A quest for the romance of a free untrammeled existence ended at 10 o' clock Monday night when Elmer Welland, 10 years old, who ran away from his home at 41 Richen Avenue last Saturday. Morning. Arrived at the home of relatives in Grand Rapids. You. You can't. It's not running away if you're just going to another relative.

[A]

Oh, I don't agree. I think that's the best way to run away.

[C]

Hi, uncle and Aunt Jeffries. Mind if I live here? I'm 10.

[A]

I. It just still is still shocking the address of a child being put in the paper. It very much is just so nuts.

[C]

How Elmer knew the way to grand at rapids is a mystery to his mother. So where did he leave from?

[B]

They're like, this kid was really stupid. He didn't know where was.

[A]

This is shocking.

[C]

He must have left from Detroit. Left.

[A]

Walk to Grand Rapids. Right. Hi, Aunt Kathy. Jesus Christ.

[C]

Hello.

[B]

Yeah, I'm imagining big coke bottle glasses. His eyes are huge in them.

[A]

Yeah. Hi. The hell?

[C]

Who? The mother learned yesterday afternoon that he was safe. He knew that it was long distance, but that did not swerve him from his purpose. And he began as 150 mile journey in high hopes.

[A]

Holy shit.

[B]

All right, maybe this kid's kind of a badass.

[A]

Yeah, he is 10.

[B]

Just fighting wolves and shit out there.

[A]

Honestly. I'm going to see my aunt.

[C]

Oh, okay. Motorists seeing the dim, diminutive pilgrim trudging along the highway, stopped and gave him lifts.

[A]

There it is.

[C]

He's hitchhiking, basically.

[A]

There it is.

[C]

But like posing as like a. I'm. I'm lost. And then you get a ride. I mean, just drop me off over there next to the gas station.

[A]

There we go.

[C]

They stopped and gave him lifts. And he finally arrived, tired and dusty, but triumphant at his destination. Yeah, he must have been thrilled. He's like, hey, what's up? And they're like, we thought you were dead.

[A]

I should be. I went in the cars of four strangers. I'm ten.

[B]

They had Kathy.

[C]

I can't believe I wasn't trafficked.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Tomorrow's mother happy again in having located the youthful wanderer, will make a quicker, less daring trip to Grand Rapids to bring Elmer back.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Daring.

[A]

Yeah, because his mom's driving him.

[C]

She should also hitchhike.

[A]

Yeah, I agree.

[C]

I'll show you. Elma.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Her kid a badass? Her kind of a. Yeah, right.

[A]

All right, so here's what we're gonna do. The kid should drive the mom to his uncle's house and then they hook up. Okay.

[C]

Who's hooking up?

[A]

The mom and the. And her brother, I guess. It's a brother. The mom and her brother are gonna hook up.

[C]

That's what I was gonna say.

[A]

And then the kid that he has to listen through a receptacle that he holds up to the wall.

[C]

Okay, that sounds really scarring.

[B]

Yeah, this kid is really cool. I think we should give him a gun.

[A]

Yeah. Look, you guys come into my courtroom, you're not expecting like regular verdict. Like this is what we're doing. So it's gonna be weird.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You, your brother, your hookup. The kid listens. Plus he's got a gun. Okay, thank you.

[C]

And a pinto. Give him a horse.

[A]

There we go. Thank you. Well, Matt, thank you for joining us. Hell yeah. Thanks for real pleasure. People can go find your dates, listen to your pod. And, and, and you. Is it true you're hitchhiking to most.

[B]

Of your gigs now? For sure. I have to prove that I'm tougher than a 10 year old child.

[A]

Yes, you are.

[B]

Which right now I'm not. I'm not gonna lie.

[A]

White one. That's my right. All right, well, thanks, Matt. Appreciate it.

[B]

Yeah, you guys rock. Thanks, man.

[A]

Some of these days you'll miss me.

[B]

Honey Some of these days.

[A]

Hey, Dollop fans. I know you love the Dollop. You love listening to the Dollop. Do you want to watch the Dollop? You're like, gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary, it's Garrett. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes. So if you want to go watch a five parter animation, which is actually like a 22 minute episode or 30 minute episode, I can't remember, of the rube, you can go to LakeSide Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the rube. It. It really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of it.

[C]

It.

[A]

And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one, so go there and watch the rube.