161- The Past Times with Kirsten Michelle Cills

Summary

The Dollop: “The Past Times with Kirsten Michelle Cills” (Ep. 161) Release Date: February 15, 2026 Hosted by Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds, with guest Kirsten Michelle Cills

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Dollop’s “The Past Times” features comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds, joined by stand-up comic Kirsten Michelle Cills. The trio dives into a 19th-century edition of the Philadelphia Inquirer, riffing on historical headlines, gender roles, questionable health advice, and the strangeness of newspaper reporting in the late 1800s. The conversation seamlessly blends biting humor, sharp cultural commentary, and the improvisational chemistry that fans expect from the show.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Guest Introduction and Comedic Banter

• [00:47–02:28] Gareth welcomes Kirsten, leading to a lighthearted debate about how to spell “Kirsten” and competitive joking between the hosts over who is the “better” fan of her comedy.
  • Memorable riffing about Instagram discovery, fistfights, and a running contest for Kirsten’s favorite host.

2. The Newspaper Date Reveal & Philadelphia’s Reputation

• [03:19–04:44] Kirsten guesses the date of the paper (“1907,” actual date is 1898), and the panel jokes about “bad sports fans” in Philly and Kirsten’s (fake) reputation for street brawling.
• A playful dig at how Kirsten is sometimes mistaken for “Christine Dave.”

3. 1898 Gender Stereotypes: “Why Men Bear Their Age Better Than Women”

• [05:03–12:58]
• Reading and dissecting a hilariously sexist advice column arguing that men age better than women due to diet and routine.
• Notable Quotes:
  • (Dave, 06:16): “After 50, men are erect. Active.”
    Gareth: “Yeah. Famously, after 50—finally—boners. That’s my website, by the way.”
  • (Banter, 06:53) Gareth: “Women at 50 are corpses. Just dried out prunes.”
  • Kirsten brings sharp sarcasm about “peaking at 40,” menopause, and societal double standards.
• The crew skewers the ridiculousness, unpacking the impact of social roles and food on health.

4. Absurd 19th-Century Health Advice & Vegetarianism

• [13:01–16:38]
• The column credits men’s supposed vigor to “epicurean lunches” and labels women’s food (toast, tea) as drab.
• Notable Quote: Gareth (14:16): “Someone’s vegetarian, but they’re still ...down for one or two meat days a month. Every vegetarian we know, so famously, is down for that.”
• Discussion veers into Gareth’s daily “six eggs” habit, including a notorious story about cracking eggs on a van bumper mid-tour ([19:06]).

5. Chinese Banquets and America’s Complicated Culinary Appropriation

• [20:18–34:18]
• A headline about “Chinese dinners” sparks jokes about what qualified as “Chinese” food in 1898, and America’s willingness to be racist while still loving immigrant food.
• Kirsten: “My dad will vote for Trump any day, but then we’ll go to a Chinese restaurant and he’ll say, ‘Shay, shay’. Nowhere the food is good.” ([21:31])
• They riff on the Americanization of foreign cuisines, leading to a sidebar on uniquely American dishes, school lunch nostalgia, and the humble origins of “vegetarian” diets.

6. American Food Identity and Cheese Integrity Debate

• [34:18–42:08]
• Spirited debate over “what is American food?”—from blooming onions to grilled cheese and tater tots.
• Dave confesses he’s never eaten a mozzarella stick or a jalapeño popper, prompting disbelief.
  • Gareth (39:13): “Your honor, this man cannot even go to a bowling alley.”
  • Kirsten: “So really, never a mozzarella stick?”
  • Dave: “Never had one. ...It just doesn’t sound good to me.”
• Jokes about Dave’s culinary abstentions and what that says about his Americanness.

7. The Dream Coffin: Oddball 19th-Century Human Interest Story

• [42:22–53:43]
• The group reads about an elderly man (“the aged man”) who dreams he should build his own coffin, then laboriously does so in his retirement home—only for it to be the wrong size when he dies.
  • Gareth: “He Goldilocksed the coffin.”
• Discussion satirizes the melodramatic reporting, the mysterious “intimate associates,” and the comic tragedy of coffin DIY.
• Kirsten: “If he took liberties... like, it was a different shape? That’d be impressive. ...I want to be standing up, and at the end you can all put swords through it.” ([45:15])
• The emerging context: the man is in a Methodist old folks’ home, not prison as initially suspected from the diction.

8. “Tiny Man & the Trenchcoat”: Another Bizarre News Item

• [56:11–60:25]
• Story of Neville Cook, suspected of attempting to rob a diminutive paper dealer by throwing his coat over the man’s head.
  • Banter: Gareth: “He’s guilty of being a cutie pie. What do you want me to do? He’s out here flaunting how tiny and delicious he is.”
• Satirizing 19th-century journalistic priorities: too many addresses, odd details, offbeat character portraits.

9. Moral Panic: 1898’s Theater & Dance Under Fire

• [61:08–63:28]
• A Methodist pastor rails against theater and dance, branding them “born in heathenism and rocked in the cradle of vice,” referencing the “impossibility” of women remaining pure as actresses.
  • Kirsten (62:16): “I have a college degree in theater and everything he said...”
• The trio roasts hypocritical fire-and-brimstone preaching as performative in itself.

10. The Great Mozzarella Stick Verdict

• [64:03–64:51]
• Kirsten is asked to pick her favorite host; ultimately, Dave’s lack of mozzarella stick experience proves a “strike against him.”
  • Kirsten: “The mozzarella sticks feels like an unforgivable...when you come to Philly and want to get mozzarella sticks, we can have a different conversation.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [06:16] Dave: “After 50, men are erect. Active.”
• [08:00] Gareth: “The crushing sensation of society on your back versus do whatever you want.”
• [14:16] Gareth: “I’m having a meat day. Please respect my privacy in this time.”
• [19:10] Dave: “Gareth has cracked a hard boiled egg on the back bumper of the van.”
• [21:31] Kirsten: “My dad will vote for Trump any day of the week ... Then we’ll go to a Chinese restaurant. ... Nowhere the food is good.”
• [36:41] Dave: “I would say tater tots is peak American food.”
• [39:13] Gareth: “Your honor. This man cannot even go to a bowling alley.”
• [45:15] Kirsten: “I want to be standing up, and at the end, you can all put swords through it.”
• [52:22] Gareth: “It’s like trying to shut your suitcase in a rush.”
• [54:41] Gareth: “The phones have really stopped the in-bathroom graffiti. ... We got phones. We’re not bored.”
• [62:16] Kirsten: “I have a college degree in theater and everything he said...”
• [64:37] Kirsten: “Unfortunately, the mozzarella sticks feels like an unforgivable...”

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Timestamps of Important Segments

• Guest intro & comedic chemistry: [00:47–02:28]
• 1898 paper selection, Philly context: [03:19–04:44]
• “Why Men Bear Their Age Better” & gender roles: [05:03–12:58]
• Absurd diet & vegetarianism advice: [13:01–16:38]
• Gareth’s egg habits and road food: [17:50–19:39]
• Chinese dinners, American racism & culinary appropriation: [20:18–34:18]
• Dave’s anti-mozzarella stick stance & American food debate: [34:18–42:08]
• DIY dream coffin story: [42:22–53:43]
• “Tiny man & the trenchcoat” newspaper item: [56:11–60:25]
• Moral panics: Theater and dance: [61:08–63:28]
• Kirsten’s favorite host decision & wrap-up: [64:03–64:51]

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Tone and Style

• Irreverent, playful, and sharp-witted. The hosts keep the audience laughing while also exposing the absurdity of period reporting and societal norms.
• Interactive and improvisational. The inclusion of a guest adds spontaneous energy and fresh comedic perspectives.

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Summary

For fans and new listeners alike, this episode encapsulates the essence of The Dollop: roasting history’s weirdness, clowning on outdated advice columns, and leveraging fast-paced banter that covers everything from American food identity (and Dave’s lack thereof) to the drama of dream-induced coffin carpentry. Kirsten’s rapport with Dave and Gareth makes the laughs (and the incredulity at the headlines) flow easily, ensuring a fun, accessible, and razor-sharp comedic deep-dive into the oddities of 1898.

Transcript

[A]

The Dollop will be on tour in March 2026. We are going to be in Buffalo on March 22. Then on the 23rd, we'll be in Syracuse. Then on March 24, we'll be in Boston at the Wilbur. Then on the 25th, we'll be in Bridgeport. And 26, the Gramercy Theater in New York. And then on the 27th, we'll be in Albany. And then on the 28th, we'll be in Pittsburgh. And then on the 29th, we'll be in Philadelphia. And then on the 30th, we'll be in Washington, D.C. at the Lincoln. The. Why would you name a theater after Lincoln? Anyway, that's our March 2026 tour. Go to dolloppodcast.com tour for tickets.

[B]

All right. Welcome to the pastimes.

[A]

Wait, why?

[B]

It's. We're trying to keep it light, and it's called a warm up. It's a podcast. You know what we do here each week? We go through a newspaper from a random date in history picked out by none other than Dave Anthony. I, Gareth Reynolds, have never seen it. And neither has this week's guest, the great Kirsten Michelle Silas. Thank you for joining us, Kirsten.

[C]

Thanks, guys. Thanks for having me.

[B]

How are things? How you're on the road, but this comes out. You might be in Philly. What is your website if people want to go see you?

[C]

Yeah, my website is Kirsten Michelle.com and Kirsten is spelled K, I, R, S, T, E, N. Yes.

[A]

Does that become a problem for people? They don't know how to spell that name because they're doing.

[B]

They're doing Kirsten.

[A]

They're doing. Yeah.

[C]

They're doing Kirsten, they're doing Kristen, they're doing Christine Dave. It's. It's a wild ride.

[B]

Christine Dave is just. Makes no sense.

[A]

It does if you think about who the. Are these.

[B]

No. Well, that's great. Well, thank you for being here, Kirsten.

[A]

You know, I saw you on Instagram when I saw your standup and I thought you were funny.

[B]

Hell, yeah.

[A]

I saw.

[C]

Yeah. Thank you.

[A]

Very good.

[B]

Then I started watching it, and I agreed. And then we got into a competition over who's a big. Yeah. Who's. Who's a bigger fan.

[A]

And we had a fist fight.

[B]

And we had a fist fight. So.

[C]

And who won?

[A]

Of course I won.

[C]

Dave.

[B]

Dave won because he hit me with a car when he said the fight was over.

[A]

I have a. Disturbing.

[B]

But at the end of this, you do have to pick a favorite, so. So it's just. I'm so sorry to put you through it. It's just been a whole thing.

[A]

Well, maybe it's the guy who stormed out when she showed up.

[C]

For what it's worth, I'm already a listener, so I do already have a favorite, but I won't reveal that till the end.

[B]

That's great. You just hold on to that. And I think for us, it'll be important for us to compete a little bit throughout the episode.

[C]

Yeah, it can change at any time. Also, I want to say.

[B]

Okay, great. That's great to know. That's great to know. I mean, I just think that's so. That was such a. Such a fair way to do it, too. And I just love that about you. Go ahead. This is getting Selfish prick.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Dave killed his dad.

[A]

As soon as she showed up, you stormed out of the room. So you're. You're in the hole right now.

[B]

I stormed out for good reason. I had to save two kids who got hit in the.

[A]

In the building.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This is an office building.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

This is an office building.

[B]

Oh, boy. God, I'm having the best time. I'm just loving this.

[A]

All right, well. Oh.

[B]

Oh, yeah. You gotta guess a year.

[A]

Yeah, just randomly guess a year.

[C]

Okay, wait. I'm gonna be honest, guys. I. Having listened to a lot of Pastimes episodes, I always thought you were showing the guests something in your hand.

[B]

Like, isn't that great?

[A]

No, Isn't that great that we don't.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah. Most people want context, and it's so awful and dumb.

[B]

Well, why don't you show her? Why don't you show her What? You show her the show.

[C]

Yeah. Okay. Is informative.

[A]

I'm going to give you a clue as to the city. The city's Philadelphia. Go ahead.

[C]

No birds. I'm gonna say. So what's the. It can be anything. Just not this year, right?

[B]

Won't be this year. It's old. It'll be old. It'll be 1900s. 1800.

[C]

Let's do 1907.

[B]

I think it's a great guess.

[A]

Oh, that's a very good.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

1919.

[A]

You're wrong.

[B]

Shut up.

[A]

You're wrong, whatever it is. 1898.

[B]

You were closer.

[A]

Kirsten, Christine. Dave wins.

[C]

1898. Okay.

[A]

March 17, 1898. The Philadelphia Inquirer. The paper of the bad sports fans. We're talking about that when you're out of the room.

[B]

I was listening.

[A]

She. She admitted to it. She said she's. She's gotten in street fights.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

She's been arrested.

[C]

I said it's my worst quality. Yeah, I'm a big go.

[B]

You been arrested for it? No. Oh no.

[A]

She punched a cop horse out on the street there.

[B]

Well, to be fair, it's still a cop. Yeah, Just doesn't know it.

[A]

Why? Men bear their age better than women. Oh Christ, that's a headline. We're just doing headlines.

[B]

Bottom of it, right?

[A]

A writer in the Home Doctor written by a man. Yeah, totally. A writer in the Home Doctor. So it's a paper called the Home Doctor.

[B]

Home Doctor is a great. That's actually got Dr. Oz's website.

[A]

Yeah, that. That magazine has to come back, right, The Home Doctor.

[C]

Oh yeah, the Home Doctor sounds like it's run by some sort of MLM mom who's. Who's a boss, babe. She like runs her own business.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

And she DMs me about essential oils.

[B]

You? I've got milk. I've got special milk.

[A]

Speaking of essential oils, how's it going with you?

[B]

Huh?

[A]

Oils, Your face oils, everything.

[B]

Oh, serum.

[A]

Did you oil today? You call them serums. Yeah, but they're oils mostly.

[B]

This is a very weird moment for everybody.

[A]

Gareth is shiny because he oils his face.

[C]

I was gonna say he is glowing.

[B]

Yeah, I like see glowing. That's different. You hear that? There's a big distinction there.

[A]

Greasy. Everyone observes that men retain their youth longer than women. Everybody. Yep. After 50, men are erect. Active. Great.

[B]

Men are erect.

[A]

Yeah. Okay, this is where the after 50 men are erect. This is actually the.

[B]

Yeah, famously after 15. Finally boners. That's my website, by the way.

[A]

Finally boners.

[C]

Yeah, finally boners.org.

[A]

That'S a good one. Gray hair to be sure, but fresh colored and bright eyed.

[B]

God, this is so fucking funny. For a man to be like, men are great. I'm not having a midlife crisis. Let me tell you why men crush it after 50. Boy. You've never seen something harder or prettier. Sure, they're gray, but it works perfectly.

[A]

Now we're gonna go on description of women at 50.

[B]

Ready. Women at 50 are corpses. Just ride out prunes.

[A]

It's like mold. At 50, women are gray haired, dull eyed, wrinkled and col.

[C]

And I've always said that. Yes.

[B]

Yeah, I think Kirsten, I mean, why don't you speak to how true that is? Because that's just.

[C]

Well, I was thinking. Yeah. How old are. How old are you guys?

[A]

I'm 75.

[C]

75 and 12. Yeah, I'm. I'm 30. But I was thinking I do look like But I could be the mom to both of you guys because I'm 30 now.

[B]

Yeah, absolutely. And it only gets worse for women.

[A]

I mean, it just becomes really. Yeah, it gets really.

[B]

We're just hard.

[A]

Well, by the time you're 50, you're color, you're completely colorless. You're like, you're like see through essentially.

[B]

You're the color of Stephen Miller but rock hard.

[A]

But we, we can't not get an erection.

[B]

Oh, it's a nightmare. It is a nightmare. What a plight.

[A]

Okay, ready? Why is the difference? Because for 25.

[B]

I know why the crushing sensation of society on your back versus do whatever you want.

[A]

Because for 25 years or so, men have been eating good, substantial epicurean lunches in the society of their fellow men downtown, while women have been having toast and tea and cold sliced meat with children at home.

[B]

This is absolutely bonkers. What a psycho. What the.

[A]

What is this? What does this mean?

[B]

This is like the kind of person where you'd be like, I'm hating this conversation with this person. Women are eating toast with children. Men are among their friends eating porks and shrimp. Shrimp.

[C]

This also feels like it was so blatantly written by a guy who's gay the way he's speaking about men. Right?

[B]

Yeah, we just like to get together and do man hangs.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh my God, what a fucking lunatic.

[A]

That will apply in some cases, but we know plenty of otners O T n E r s Others. Oh, it must be others. Oh, the top of the H is gone. We know of plenty of others where the reverse is true. Especially at a little earlier period. The men of 40 are hollow eyed, decept. Deceptic and worn out.

[B]

Deceptic.

[A]

Ispeptic. Yeah. Dyspeptic and worn out. While the women look like morning glories after a heavy dew. Okay, wait, so he's saying 40. He's saying women in their 40s just look crushing rate. They, they. While men look dead.

[B]

And then it's just like 50.

[C]

He's like, they're better at 40 than they arguably might have been at 30 or 20. Is that what he's implying? Like 40 is the very strange.

[A]

That is what it sounds like. It sounds like he's saying women are peaking at 40 and then men are. Men are crushed at 40. But yeah, men bounce back and women take a nosedive.

[C]

Women go through menopause and men start having affairs in their 50s.

[B]

Okie dokie.

[C]

I didn't intended.

[B]

Okie dokie. Okay, yeah.

[A]

Okay, now we're back for a second.

[B]

I was a little. It felt accusatory and it's. It's a life.

[A]

Later, however, the conditions are likely to change again.

[B]

And from at 60, men fall apart and women are the most. And from 50, 70, men become gorgeous and women must be killed.

[C]

This article has never made me more grateful. The fact. For the fact that I have a terminal illness and I'm not going to make it past 30 something. This is like the best. This is a disaster.

[B]

By the way.

[A]

We just hit the audience with that, by the way.

[C]

Yeah. Dark. It was a joke.

[B]

But with the way society is going, it. Yeah, there has to be. We were just talking about this. The general will to live inside of me is draining.

[A]

Yeah. Weekly. Yep.

[B]

Yep.

[C]

I'm. I am blessed. If nothing. I. I understand that to some people talk about what it's like to get to certain ages and I'm just like, my condolences, dude.

[B]

Honestly, like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm really trying to hang around for this party. This seems like it's going in the right direction.

[C]

Oh, my God, 20 more years. I'm not gonna get to worry about my credit score. Oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah. You're gonna miss all the terrible climate change stuff.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Anyway, so the rock hard men.

[A]

Okay. Later. Yes. Back to the record. Later. However, the conditions are likely to change again. And from 50 to 60, the menu is. You have the best of it. Whether this is owing to the food.

[B]

This is in 1898. They're, like, at 60, man. Like, they're dying at 60. No, like this guy's like, at 60. You're finally doing it right.

[A]

Whether this is owing to the food or constitutional differences, it is hard to determine, but probably.

[B]

He just said it was food earlier.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So you. You said it was food, sir. Who knows? Is it food? Who's to say?

[A]

Probably the latter had a good deal to do with it. So he's saying maybe the food. Whatever. At any rate, no women ever got old because she confined herself to plain food. And no man ever retained his youth by devouring lobster salad. This is a crazy foie gras and gin.

[B]

Foie grand. Yeah, go ahead.

[C]

I feel like I'm reading a math problem. Oh, no, I. I don't.

[A]

I honestly.

[C]

So no woman has ever gotten old by eating. What was that?

[B]

Toast.

[C]

Toast is what I heard. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Confine yourself to plain food.

[C]

No man never got.

[A]

And no man has ever retained his youth by devouring lobster salad and foie gras. Frog de gras.

[C]

You know, when you read an Article. And you're like, I feel like I know less than when I started.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Like, I actually got. I, I got worse.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

That's how I feel.

[B]

I completely agree.

[A]

This is what it's like.

[B]

By the end, I, I even specifically to his point, he was like, men are eating pork together. It's awesome. And then at the end, he's like, food? Probably not. What?

[C]

Also, we're straight. We have women in our lives. We're married.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. He's so lonely.

[A]

Oh, this is one for Gareth, the vegetarian skin. Oh, eat no meat at all, become a vegetarian. They always have beautiful skin.

[C]

Oh, well, are you. I take it you're a vegetarian.

[B]

Well, take a look at me. Can't you tell by my cucumbery shine?

[C]

Well, I'm not eating pork. Tell you that much.

[A]

Once in six weeks or so, eat a meal of fresh meat.

[B]

What is this? A menu?

[A]

Don't worry about it.

[B]

Or a paper.

[A]

Maybe it's just a. Maybe it's just about.

[B]

Do yourself a favor, have a meat day.

[C]

Back when vegetarians were not vegetarians for ethical reasons. Right. They were just vegetarians because they were poor.

[B]

Yes. Right. Yeah. Yes, for sure. Forced into potatoes. You weren't like, I'm kind of a health nut. I love animals.

[C]

Someone's vegetarian, but they're still, like, they're willing to take one or two meat days a month. Like every vegetarian we know so famously is down for that. Yeah.

[B]

I'm having a meat day.

[C]

Please respect my privacy in this time.

[B]

I'm gonna eat a sheep.

[A]

You weren't. Just because you were poor, but there were also people in cults. Those are the two reasons you were.

[B]

Oh, you were neat, but the leader of the cult was eating, like, all the.

[C]

I was gonna say, yeah, Daddy was eating good tonight, no matter what.

[A]

Yeah. He just has a cow in there. He would ch.

[B]

Yeah. Then he'd come out, like, with a shiny mouth and be like, you weren't eating meat. Where he's like, no, radish. That's a radishy mouth. Heaven's gonna be great.

[A]

Once in six weeks or so, eat a meal of fresh meat. This does away with the tendency to scurvy. That. Cause of the vegetarian. Why would a vegetarian get scurvy? Because scurvy comes from citrus.

[B]

That's what I mean.

[C]

Yeah. Vitamin D or something. See?

[A]

Yeah, It's D, I think.

[B]

Right. Okay.

[A]

So this guy doesn't.

[B]

This guy. Again, back to back, where another guy's like, I'm an idiot. And that's going to come across slowly.

[C]

But they gave me a pen and a paper, so what's a man to do?

[B]

I'm getting paid to put stuff in this paper, but I am incredibly dumb.

[A]

Drink as much water as you can eat, little grease and touch. No tea or coffee. I'm out.

[C]

Yeah, out.

[A]

You, Your breakfast may be oatmeal and oranges. Your dinner, Fruit nuts, Fruit tea, preferably quince tea. Graham muffins. Cauliflower croquettes. Marmalade. Marmalade.

[C]

What kind of fan? Wow.

[B]

Yeah, it's weird.

[C]

Dishes for the Philadelphia Inquirer at this time. What was the average income? Because what's this dude making? Who's writing this? Right?

[B]

Yes. I'm going to be honest. This is literally what my mother is. My mother's diet. Read it again. This is what. This is what my mother eats in a day. And I'm not kidding. Dinner meal.

[A]

Nuts, fruit tea. Nuts, tea, quince tea.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Graham muffins.

[B]

That's a little much for her.

[A]

Crackers, Cauliflower croquettes.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Marmalade.

[B]

It. Air fryer. Marmalade.

[A]

Dishes of stewed vegetables.

[B]

No. Okay. But for the most part, pretty close, yes. My mother will be like, I'm air frying some oxygen. How many cups of tea have you had today? She's like 45.

[A]

We went out to dinner the night and she had fries.

[B]

Oh, yeah, she did have fries.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That was it, though.

[B]

That's.

[C]

Does she look good?

[A]

She does.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah. But she, she also. She, she, like, this is what I will. I just tried to, you know, let her do her thing, but I will sometimes just be like, have you eaten today? You know, it'll be, oh, I'm not hungry. Well, have you eaten today? Oh, I've had loads. What have you had? Oh, my God. What haven't I had? What did you eat today? I had two olives, an almond, 31 cups of tea. I. My mouth was open when I walked. I'm full from that. I, I eat loads of things.

[C]

I like how she answers the question. Like she's lying on the stand, but she's trying to get away with it. Like, she's not incriminating herself, but she's.

[B]

She's insulted by the premise. And then she'll be like, I, I, I, I ate a. I ate one Cheeto. I'm stuffed.

[A]

Gareth, what have you eaten today? It's just, Gareth, what have you eaten today? Gareth, what have you eaten today?

[B]

It's so stupid that you're doing this.

[A]

What have you eaten today?

[B]

I Have food here. And I've been eating it too.

[A]

Just tell too.

[B]

I'll be eating.

[A]

Tell Kirsten what you've eaten today.

[B]

Two I'll eat. I've had nothing today at two. I'll eat.

[A]

Interesting.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

I've eaten loads.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then you can have like eight eggs.

[B]

Eight eggs?

[A]

How many eggs?

[B]

I'll have six. Leave me. Go yourself.

[C]

Are you. Are you a six eggs daily person? Is that the deal?

[A]

Minimum.

[B]

This is a history show. So what you two are doing is crazy.

[A]

Minimum.

[C]

What you're not taking into account, Gareth, is that this will eventually is tomorrow, arguably. And this might be something that people have a podcast in the future about. So you're actually being a little selfish by not answering. That's just one girl's opinion.

[A]

But no, that girl's right.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

I have six eggs a day.

[C]

That's all we needed.

[A]

Do you ever have more than six eggs a day?

[B]

I really feel like history is not going to smell fun sometimes. I'll have more. It depends. Dave's never happier. Who did you tell the story to about the. Oh, yeah, the sclars.

[A]

I told the scars. My. My favorite egg story is we got out of the van.

[B]

We're on, you know, we're on tour.

[A]

We're in the middle of nowhere and I got a van. I go to gas it up and then I'm walking into the. The store there and I hear a crack. And Gareth has cracked a hard boiled egg on the back bumper of the van.

[C]

No, just a little something to take the edge off.

[A]

Something he had in his pocket.

[C]

That's addict behavior if I've ever.

[B]

Oh, shit. Every woman at that gas station was like, who's that sick cat? Who's that bumper egg crushing machine?

[A]

The diet is not so bad when you get used to it.

[B]

Oh, sorry, go ahead.

[A]

In large towns you will find one or two restaurants catering such as you. I don't know what just happened. It was like, he's against. He's against vegetarians, but he's also saying they should eat meat.

[B]

It is weird that there's like two vegetarian restaurants in the 1890s.

[A]

Yeah, it's really. I don't know what's happening.

[B]

They were probably like putting meat in. They were like, this is a vegetarian.

[A]

Yeah, chicken. Chicken's a vegetable.

[B]

Chicken. Chicken is the barking vegetable.

[A]

I think Preston's doing something to us because this is another food. One.

[B]

Jesus Christ.

[A]

Chinese dinners. One last night, another scheduled for this evening. This, this.

[C]

Do we think real quick, do we think they're going to be actually Chinese, or do we think that's a blanket term for Asian that they're using in 100%?

[A]

We know that absolutely could be the case. Absolutely.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Hawaiian dish.

[A]

This Chinese food is from Tokyo.

[B]

This Thai Chinese isn't as good as the Korean Chinese.

[A]

It has become quite a fad to give formal dinners of which every course is distinctly Chinese.

[C]

It is amazing.

[B]

It is amazing how, like, racism never makes it to the taste buds. We are so food addicted that we will just, like, even with America. Like when all those ICE agents went to a Mexican restaurant the other night and they were like, yeah, get the fuck out. Are you kidding me? Well, your food's great. I love your culture. Just get the out. Why are you guys so confused by my oxymoronic behavior?

[C]

No, my dad's like that. My dad will vote for Trump any day of the week. And then we'll go to a Chinese restaurant. He'll say. He'll be like, shay, Shay. I was like, thank you. When they come by, oh, you know Chinese, nowhere the food is good.

[A]

Oh, shit. McGarrett. The Pastimes is brought to you by Rocket Money. It is a personal. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. And, Garrett, that's exactly what it did for me.

[B]

Dave, you've never been more financially profitable. I've saved. Can I ask you this? Why do I have to give you everything I save on Rocket Money? You've never been in big on explaining.

[A]

It's a personal finance app that has saved me money. Rocket Money went and renegotiated my Internet contracts. I saved, like, 300 bucks a year.

[B]

They got. Rocket Money got me a deal with the Mariners.

[A]

The Mariners. I don't know what that means, but you go on there and it's like, here's. Here's the bills that are coming. Here's the ones you forgot about, because we all forget about these things. You sign up for a month, you're like, I'll cancel it next month. And six months later, you're like, wait, why? Why am I paying for. Why am I paying for this eyebrow app? You don't need to keep paying for the eyebrow app.

[B]

Well, I don't believe there is an eyebrow app.

[A]

There is. There's an app that you pay monthly, and it tells you if your eyebrows are good or not. And then. And. And then you forget about it.

[B]

What?

[A]

You forget about it, and then you got to pay for It.

[B]

There's a lot more applicable ones that they could. Like an app or a, you know, streamer or something like that maybe, but.

[A]

I don't know what you're talking about. My. My son, Roblox. That was the one. That thing was on there forever until I was like, oh, yeah, I forgot about that credit card. And my kid subscribed to that thing. That thing's out. Gone. Gareth, you had a Green Bay packers radio situation that you paid for forever, even though you just wanted to hear multiple things.

[B]

There were multiple things, but there was a Packers radio station that was probably wondering what was wrong. Like, I thought I'd passed away, to be honest.

[A]

It tracks subscriptions and has the ability to cancel within the app with just a few taps. Save time, you avoid charges, you get rid of all that automatic money coming out of your bank, and you're free. You're free like a sweet, sweet baby. And then you can save up money. You can do automated savings, grow toward your goals. You know what I mean?

[B]

Lots of stuff. Look, if you have money, you can start figuring out stuff. And that's what Rocket Money does. Rocket Money is a theme song. They wanted me to play it for you right now.

[A]

Rocket Money is that they don't have a theme song. So let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join it. Rocketmoney.com dollop that's Rocket Money.

[B]

Let's hit it from the top.

[A]

That's RocketMoney.com Dollop RocketMoney.com Dollop Rocket Money.

[B]

Rocket Money. Rocket Money. Go ahead and save yourself some bargain money. Yeah, that's Rocket Money.

[A]

Losing us sponsors just an incredible rate. Gareth, the Pastimes is brought to you by hims.

[C]

Edie.

[A]

It doesn't mean you're love life is over. If you got the ED situation gone. It means it's just getting started, Gareth. With personalized treatment options to help you take back control and spontaneity. Thanks to Daily Meds.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

HIMS is here for you. With hims, you can access personalized prescription treatment options for ED if prescribed. And look, you don't want to. You don't want to sit on this thing. You got ed. There's ways to handle it now. You can jump on it, go, let it fester. Gifted and that. And that was sad. But we finally got him on him and it's back. He's back to back. Back to making love.

[B]

And we're all never been busier with it.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

It's been doing a lot of stuff.

[A]

And how Is Jose.

[B]

What do you mean? It's an insane follow up.

[A]

So it's not a one size fits all care that forgets you in the waiting room. It's your health goals put first with real medical providers, making sure you get what you need to get results. You just do it all online. That's the sweet part. Do it all online. You don't got to deal with any guy. Weird, awkward office.

[B]

But it is just such an advantage to all of this stuff just being able to actually just not worry about the outside world too much when it comes to this stuff. Just get it. Get it done. You're back.

[A]

Get her done, I think is what they say.

[B]

I think legally that's not cleared.

[A]

To get simple online access to personalized affordable care for ED, weight loss and more, visit hims.com that's hims.com do for your free online visit hims.com. featured products include compounded drug products which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness or quality. Prescription required. See website for details. Restrictions, important safety information. Actual price will depend on product and subscription plan. And Gareth, we are also brought to you by Mint Mobile.

[B]

Oh, baby.

[A]

Look, every group has someone who just has got to do things the hard way. The guy refusing to update their phone because it still works. You know that guy? I used to be that person. I did. I would just leave it and not deal with it, especially when it came to overpaying for wireless. And then, Gareth, what did I do? I switched to Mint Mobile.

[B]

You did.

[A]

And that. That was an amazing choice because it's so much cheaper. You genuinely think it can't be a decent service because it doesn't cost that much.

[C]

You got.

[A]

Well, the other one's 100 and $500 a month. That's got to be the one.

[B]

But then you told me that if. When I switched that if I. That the phone would be minty taste.

[A]

And that's true also, Gareth now because.

[B]

I liked it a bunch of times and every time.

[A]

Try it right now go ahead and open up your phone.

[B]

No way. Not one more time.

[A]

Getting inside the cracks.

[B]

What were the charging port?

[A]

Here's what I'm saying. Stop paying way too much for wireless just because that's how it's always been. Mint exists purely to fix that. Same coverage, same speed, just without the.

[B]

It tastes like rusty metal.

[A]

Huge price tag. You're not licking it the right way.

[C]

You're.

[B]

You're just. You're being so not specific. Every part of it I've tasted doesn't.

[A]

Taste like get in there and I'm trust me on this, you'll get the mix.

[B]

Get it.

[A]

For a limited time, you get 50% off 3, 6 or 12 month plans of unlimited premium wireless. 7 day money back guarantee customer satisfaction ratings in the mid 90s. Mid imagine a phone company that has customer satisfaction ratings in the mid-90s.

[B]

Sounds minty to me.

[A]

Mint makes it very easy to try it and then people won't go back. You get to bring your phone, you get to keep your number, all that good stuff.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Ready to stop paying more than you have to? New customers can make the switch today. And for a limited time, get unlimited premium wireless for just $15 a month. Switch [e-mail] dollop that's mintmobile.com dollop upfront payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months or $180 for a 12 month plan required $15 a month equivalent taxes and fees. Extra initial plan term only over 50 gigabytes. May slow when network is busy. Capable device required. Availability, speed and coverage varies. Additional terms apply C mintmobile.com, for the example was set last February, a year ago, when a number of Chinese Sunday school scholars gave a banquet to their friends and teachers. Then the one given very recently by the Christian league to some 200 of its friends greatly surpassed this. And following closely upon this are two additionally elaborate ones. One being given last night and the other two take place tonight. It's literally what's happening.

[B]

It's like, you know how good Chinese food is. They just discovered. They're like, what?

[A]

What?

[C]

The.

[B]

Their pan is like domed. It's crazy. This is amazing.

[C]

He's also so eager to get us all out there. It's like it's a bringer show. He's like, it's tonight.

[B]

You got to see this guy. He's unbelievable. This guy's crushing.

[A]

This guy is so Chinese.

[B]

This guy is awesome.

[C]

My name at the door. 20 off.

[B]

Yeah, I. I mean, yeah. When you're a kid, Chinese food is. There's nothing better.

[A]

It's really great.

[B]

I mean, it's the best.

[C]

Yeah. There is something special with us. The sugary ass.

[B]

Oh, just like general. So it's like orange chicken or lemon chicken? Here's a fun story. One time I was so hungover that I went to go get a orange chicken from a Panda Express and I went in there and I. They were like, it was in a grocery store and they were kind of. Everyone was ignoring me. And then someone was like, can we help you? And I was like, can I get a family size orange chicken? Remember, just for me. And they go, it's 9:30, we open at 10. It was 9:30 in the morning. And I was like, this is a pathetic moment.

[C]

Oh, man. Yeah. Did you have a hard boiled egg on you?

[B]

Okay, you know what?

[C]

All right.

[B]

Trying to share and. No, no, no, it's fine.

[C]

I'm just trying to figure out how you problem solve that.

[B]

I got eggs in the fridge.

[C]

I'll.

[B]

I'll go, I'll get an egg.

[A]

Now, is this restaurant by O E.

[B]

Or what's your egg deal? Sushi has an egg. There's an egg sushi.

[A]

God damn it.

[B]

It is cooked though. Yeah, it is. But tamago. That's what it's called. It's amazing.

[C]

Yeah, no, those are eggs. You're right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The little.

[C]

Right, the little ones.

[B]

No, no, there's like actual like a big egg square.

[A]

Is it in. Oh, so it's just a square.

[B]

Just sits on rice. It's perfect.

[A]

It's perfect. So it's like a scrambled. A scrambled square egg situation.

[B]

I don't know if it's scrambled. I'd said it's a whole. You're coming off racist. I'm just gonna tell you.

[A]

In Li Qi's restaurant last. Probably not his name. In Li Qi's restaurant last night, the women who have come become the teachers and advisors of the members of the Chinese ymca.

[B]

The Chinese.

[A]

What just happened?

[B]

The Young Men China Association.

[A]

Is this what every YMCA had different. That's the Japanese ymca. That's the Chinese, that's the Italian.

[B]

Well, they used it. They did locker rooms by age at the Y. Because I went there when I was a kid and it was like 7 to 15. And then it was like once you were 15 and you went into the men's locker room, you were like, sweet mother of God. It's just like dudes who are like, penises are very important to show. And I was like, oh my God. Watching all.

[C]

You gotta wonder what happened that made that rule have to happen. Right? Because I don't feel like that's a current rule. No. Like, what's the cut off of 15 to 14? Then all of a sudden they're like, you can see a huge dick all of a sudden.

[B]

Before. Yeah, little.

[C]

Little. Yeah, you graduated.

[B]

It was an eye opening experience.

[A]

Yeah. I think every kid is shocked the first time he goes into a gym. What the.

[B]

Oh, well, I was like, dude, there would be like old men, old men up on a sink, like powdering their Old balls.

[A]

Like old men love to walk around naked.

[B]

And he'd just be like, yeah, you have it. Did you work out your arms today? You'd be like, sir, I could see your lunch.

[C]

Do they still do that, though? Is that a thing that, like, old men still get naked in the gym like that?

[A]

Never.

[B]

I don't know what happens. It's not going to. It doesn't happen. I don't know, but I guess that something happens. You know how you become hot at 50? At 60, you're just sort of just like, I should be showing my balls. Everyone should see. You should have the little towel crack up front so that it's covering your bum, but everyone can see your penis and balls.

[A]

Yeah, it's. It doesn't end. I don't know what. What's going on there.

[B]

No, it's crazy. And the powdering.

[A]

They're just hanging out.

[B]

Yeah. They just. You got to put talum on your balls.

[A]

The. Okay. The restaurant was gaily decorated and the hundred guests discussed a very enjoyable collation.

[B]

Chinese food.

[A]

Everything was Chinese.

[B]

And the affair was racism that was being thrown around like, this food's delicious.

[A]

Imagine the things they were saying.

[B]

Oh, horrendous.

[A]

Tonight, the Christian League will repeat its successful dinner of a few weeks ago, and preparations denote that the banquet will be more satisfactory from a culinary point of view. One or two American dishes have been inserted in the menu.

[C]

Of course. There it is. There it is.

[B]

Pizza. American. French fries. American.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

This is a good one for you, Gareth. Dream of death.

[B]

Do we have any food? Does America.

[A]

What is American food like? Burgers.

[B]

Oh, that's burgers. Hamburg. Hamburg.

[C]

That. They are German.

[B]

I. I agree.

[A]

Oh, are they? I thought we invented burgers.

[B]

No, the Hamburg.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

I don't think we have much culture in America.

[B]

We have nothing. We've just. We're a culmination of appropriation.

[A]

What about the blooming onions?

[B]

Bloomin onion is American, and we say it's Australian. The only thing we don't take credit for.

[C]

Yeah. No, it's actually. It's not fair to say we don't have American culture when we have Bass Pro shops in every major city.

[B]

Yes, that is right.

[C]

That is unabashedly American culture.

[B]

Yes. Ranch.

[C]

Yeah. Ranch. Yeah.

[B]

Ranch.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

French dressing is American.

[A]

Southern barbecue.

[B]

Southern barbecue. There it is. Yep.

[A]

Okay. New England clam chowder, lobster rolls, Philly cheesesteak. And then we got Louisiana Creole birds, crawfish jambalaya.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And then Southwest. Tex Mex is considered Tex Mex. Our breakfasts are super American.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Pancakes, waffles, sausages.

[B]

Okay, all right. Okay, all right.

[A]

Okay. So we have some. But again, you look at this, A.

[B]

Lot of the good, actual other foods are. I would even argue those have nothing to do with colonizers.

[A]

There's an ABC here of. Of. Well, they have English muffins. You can't. How is. How is the English muffin?

[B]

We invented the English muffin way. Invented the French fry. Hamburg was invented in Michigan. Pizza's ours. We invented Chinese food.

[A]

I mean, really, if you go through what is Thailand is fake, what is considered American food. It's all. That's terrible for, like, fried fish.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Grilled cheese sandwiches.

[B]

Grilled cheese is a pathetic cheeseburger.

[A]

Hash browns.

[B]

We put cheese in bread.

[A]

Tater tots, and then we toasted here.

[C]

It's out.

[B]

And then we toast.

[A]

I. I would say tater tots is peak American food. Like, that's my brother.

[C]

Yeah. Anything we served in, like, a school lunch in a public school feels very, very.

[B]

Chicken sandwiches.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, just grilled, unseasoned chicken on two pieces of white bread from Cisco. Yeah. And then. Well, actually, I guess mozzarella sticks are probably still considered Italian in some way.

[B]

Tell her. Tell her.

[C]

Oh, what do you say it?

[B]

What do you say it? Say hard.

[A]

I've never had a fried mozzarella.

[B]

You've never had mozzarella sticks? It's crazy.

[C]

Can I ask her face on what grabs?

[B]

Yeah, I agree.

[C]

Is that a polite way to ask that?

[A]

I'll say.

[B]

One egg attacked me twice during the show. Don't buy the mace.

[A]

The first reason is it's always seemed insanely unhealthy to eat fried cheese. But the second reason is because it just doesn't sound good to me.

[C]

What else do you eat? Do you draw the line to any unhealthy food?

[A]

No, I eat unhealthy foods all the time. Like, I'll sit down and have a bucket of fries. It doesn't. I'm not saying there's any bucket is extremely disturbing.

[C]

That's American food culture, is that we start buckets. Yeah.

[B]

I love a tub of tater tots, but I like.

[A]

I don't eat fast food. Really?

[B]

He eats good food quickly.

[C]

That's American culture.

[A]

I'm a little healthy, but, you know.

[C]

So really never a mozzarella stick?

[A]

Never had one. It sounds, you know, when you go.

[C]

Places and they're not in stick form, they're like. Like the TGI Fridays. They're like a triangle or something.

[B]

Yeah, they. Yeah, they give you like a combination?

[A]

Is that supposed to be mixing it up? Like, that's supposed to be interesting.

[B]

Who are you yelling? She's asking you a fair question.

[C]

But why?

[A]

What? What?

[B]

So there's a different way to hat Dave. I'll walk you through.

[A]

What are we doing?

[B]

We're trying to figure out if you hate mozzarella sticks or if you're a piece of shit. And so far, it seems like you're a piece of.

[C]

Haven't heard an ounce of evidence otherwise. So.

[B]

Yeah, a favorite will be announced at the end of the episode. And you're just sitting here waffling around.

[C]

A lot of cons, too, so.

[B]

Yeah, a lot of.

[A]

I also have never had, like, the jalapeno poppers things.

[B]

Sweet.

[A]

I think I've just stayed.

[B]

Your honor. Your honor. This man cannot even go to a bowling alley.

[C]

Dave saying he's never been invited to a Super bowl party before.

[B]

How the Dave's way of saying only hang out in Europe, never had a jalapeno popper.

[C]

Come on, dude.

[A]

I don't even know what it is. I just know the name.

[C]

Okay, you don't know what it is?

[A]

I really don't know what it is.

[B]

It's a jalapeno cheese jalapeno deep fried. And something's popping when you bite.

[A]

Is it inside the pepper?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Okay. Yes.

[C]

I used to be the manager of a Mexican restaurant, and I can tell you what's very important is that the jalapeno, it was in a very white area. The jalapenos themselves that they use have to have no heat whatsoever. They have to eat, like, tastes like you're eating a bell pepper so that white people can take them down. Because the issue is no non white people are going to eat jalapeno poppers in the first place. They're going to eat actually good Mexican food, you know?

[A]

Right.

[C]

That's the problem.

[B]

I'm saying. Right. You're the guy who's never had one.

[A]

Yeah. Because I am. I am the most pure. I'm the most Mexican person in this room.

[B]

Oh, okay. Crazy thing that just happened.

[C]

Do you have family who can we clip that?

[B]

First of all, first of all, that's the clip from Irish.

[A]

But Irish. Irish are the Mexicans.

[B]

Dave's ice.

[C]

Talking like what someone says when they don't want you to know that they are isis. Yeah.

[B]

I'm a European and not from around here. Yeah. I don't like hotels, but I'm staying in one. I've met some Cool dudes on this trip. I miss my family. Financially, I'm insolvent.

[A]

Look, I'm sorry. I've made some. I've made some culinary decisions in my life and I'm sticking to them. I'm gonna die without ever eating a mozzarella stick. Taking that to my grid.

[C]

I really think you might like what you find if you were to just give it a. Just a nibble or something. I think you would be.

[A]

I like. I enjoy cheese a lot. I don't think it should be deep fried.

[B]

I actually gotta say crazy.

[A]

I stay away from a lot of deep fried stuff. I eat fries.

[B]

What did you tell me the other day you'd never been to You. You said something the other day. I was like, what? There's like a fast food Wendy's. Yeah, Wendy's. Never been to Wendy's.

[C]

Never.

[B]

It's crazy.

[C]

Did you do have parents?

[B]

Parents. You were raised in a human house.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't think. I don't think we had a lot of Wendy's where I was growing up in. It's northern.

[B]

It's still not an excuse. I didn't grow up around Jack in the Boxes.

[A]

I've had it all the time.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, we go there hammered. We're driving. It's wrong.

[A]

The most unhealthy thing in the world that I absolutely love were Jack in the Box little tacos.

[B]

It's just go back to the line.

[C]

Drawn at the Mozzarella Sixes.

[A]

Mozzarella. Look, if I'm at a nice fancy place like TGI Fridays.

[B]

Shut up.

[A]

I'm going top shelf.

[B]

I don't know fried cheese. Hey, do you have those tiny tacos with human meat?

[A]

You.

[B]

You absolute buffoon. You've outed yourself as a complete idiot.

[A]

I mean, I haven't had the. I haven't had the chicken tacos in.

[B]

Like it does have. I haven't had a mozzarella stick in seven years. But I know what it is.

[C]

And I get back, I don't like.

[B]

Arby's, but I've been to Arby's.

[A]

Yeah, I've also never had Arby's.

[B]

God. All right, whatever.

[A]

And they have the meats dream of death some months ago. And the aged man. The aged man told his wife and a few of his most intimate associates.

[B]

In the home, let's do the meeting in bed. They've got wandering fingers that he had.

[A]

A dream and that therein he had a premonition of his coming transition to the other world.

[B]

Wait. Sorry. I'm gonna need you to start from the top again. Who is this guy who's like.

[A]

It just says the aged man. It doesn't say who he is? The age man told his wife. Yeah, that's it. The aged. He's a mystery.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And a few of us in a paper.

[B]

Yes, honey? J. The aged man had a dream premonition out of the other side, I guess.

[A]

Told his wife and a few of his most intimate associates in the home that he had had a dream and that therein.

[B]

You'Re over tonight.

[A]

Of his coming transition to the other world.

[B]

So I'm gonna die. And I thought we'd have some Chinese.

[A]

I'm gonna become a butterfly.

[B]

So that'll be interesting for everybody. All right, that's it.

[A]

He was informed in some manner. He could not explain how that he was to manufacture his own coffin.

[B]

So the dream actually had a pretty weird message. I guess I got a self. Barry. I don't know.

[C]

This was in the dream. Someone told him this.

[A]

It was the premonition. Yeah. He was told to make his own coffin.

[B]

Oh, by the way, make your own coffin. Wait, what?

[A]

Oh, I don't know how to do that.

[B]

That's a lot of work. Yeah, it's crazy.

[A]

And he was. And to assist him in that task, a complete design of his last resting place appeared to him. So he saw. He saw his coffin on like tomb or whatever.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

It was composed of two kinds of wood. All right. Now just this sounds like a guy.

[B]

That'S a lot.

[A]

Used in certain proportions. And the lid and sides of the casket were elaborated as he had never seen one in his life. So he's imagining coffins.

[C]

Okay, so he's implying he has never seen a coffin, but he independently got to the idea of a coffin correctly in a dream. And he's never seen one.

[A]

He's probably heard read about them, I would imagine. But now he visualized one which is. Which is in my mind inventing coffins.

[B]

Yeah, I agree.

[C]

Well, yeah, but how much variety could there be? We say it's a box, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I mean, what would be impressive is if he. If he took liberties. Like he took the concept of a coffin and it was a different shape or something. It was.

[A]

A horn.

[B]

I like the secret. It's like the. When the magician puts all the swords through the box.

[C]

Yep.

[B]

And that'll be mine. I want to be standing up. And at the end you can all put swords through it.

[C]

That's a dream.

[B]

These are my wishes. And I had a dream about it.

[A]

Fanta. Fantastic design.

[B]

Design Aged man.

[A]

I'm an aged man.

[B]

Have I told anyone how I describe myself?

[A]

Fantastic designs of peculiar but most exquisite workmanship were wrought upon the COVID These were done with different colored woods.

[B]

Your time being like I'm making my coffin.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Before the vision passed from him.

[B]

Boy, it's a lot harder to make one of these than the dream. Guys. Looks like a log ride. This thing's terrible.

[A]

He was informed. He came before the. Before the vision.

[B]

It was a wet dream.

[A]

Before the vision passed.

[B]

Have you ever had a wet death premonition? Yeah, I woke up all sticky.

[A]

Before the vision passed from him, he was informed. He claimed that such was to be the casket in which he was to be buried and that he was. Jesus Christ. We get it.

[B]

Yeah, we know. I should point out. I go in the casket. Yeah, we get it.

[A]

Mr. Jones was a cabinet maker by trade. And as. Okay, so already knows woodwork.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

Okay. And as. Now that makes this whole knowing that makes me think this whole thing is an ad for his coffin services. Right?

[A]

Yeah, that's right.

[C]

The way he's like two kinds of wood. You've never seen anything like this before. You're gonna want to get in.

[B]

This is great.

[A]

I'm dreaming Caskets.

[B]

Are you guys on shop?

[A]

And as such, fully appreciated the task before him. He decided to carry out the instructions he imagined he had received and accordingly procured the necessary materials.

[B]

Wood, Intimate associates. The men I can touch.

[C]

One meeting room, my bedroom.

[B]

There we are.

[A]

Hammer, nails and that'll do it.

[C]

A couple of drinks if we're having fun, which we are.

[B]

Keeping a little loose, boys.

[A]

Gallon of gin, two woods.

[B]

Now, how do you mix woods together? I've never. That was a weird part. He never got into that.

[A]

So for several weeks last fall, with plain hammer and saw, he labored diligently preparing his casket. His fellow inmates watched him. Now what's.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Watched him curiously. But he vouchsafed no idea.

[B]

Yep, that's where someone tells you they'll.

[A]

Give you sudafed little or no information until his doings came to the notice of the board of managers. And they talked it over.

[B]

Who is that?

[A]

I don't know what's happening. Don't know what's happening. They talked it over but decided it was of so little importance that the old man should not be interfered with. And they thought he would forget all about it. And then the coffin would be removed.

[C]

Moved. We'll call him the old man right off the bat. After we've been told he's the aged man.

[B]

Aged.

[C]

Aged man, which I was picturing as, like, capital A, capital M. Like, that's his moniker or whatever you want to call that. Yes, yes. Now I'm realizing they were just describing a man politely.

[B]

Aged man.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

What?

[A]

Somehow the way this was laid out, I missed the beginning of this.

[B]

Oh, that is honestly a huge release because that was like, the weird. I was like, what? This end up in here? And then we'll put some journal entries in the paper.

[A]

Oh, my God. Okay, now, so Evan P. Jones, the intentionally religious president of the Methodist Episcopal Home for the Age, how it comes together.

[C]

All right, I'm here thinking this is an anonymous. This man doesn't even want to be identified.

[B]

Yeah. It felt like a poem. The aged man.

[A]

He died in that institution on Sunday afternoon from pneumonia after having made every possible preparation for the disposal of his remains and even the manufacturer of his own coffin. Mr. Jones was 86 and was one of the most popular and useful occupants of this Methodist institution. He had been an inmate there since 1896, and he and his wife Jane, who was 18 years his junior, were admitted from the church.

[C]

So all of this with the associates was in. This all was happening in prison already.

[A]

No, it's in the Episcopal Home for the Age. So it's an old folks home.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Doing this.

[C]

But this was not. This was not his. His marital home. This was a group home. He's having everyone come to get his bed for the meeting.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Yes. It's. It's still crazy. It's still crazy having heard the back half this. That's what's enjoyable about the way this got unfurled. Because now you're like, oh, okay, that makes sense when it still makes no sense, but it's just. There's context to how little sense it makes.

[C]

Right? Yeah. Dave, have you considered doing what you just did more often on this show?

[A]

Now I'm thinking, yeah, backwards details, confusing story. Change the name of the podcast.

[B]

Have you had mozzarella sticks? Is that another mist?

[A]

No. According to this, it kills people. He continued to build until he had before him a counterpart of the coffin he saw in the vision, and then he awaited death in only one particular. He had deviated from the instructions he thought he received. And that was as to the size, the proportions he thought were too large, so he reduced them so he thought it was too big. He's like, you know what? That was last fall. And the coffin was left undisturbed in the shop. It was a triumph of the cabinet maker's. Art and different. So you said that he'd ever seen. He made amazing coffin.

[C]

It was. The coffin was too big and he scaled it down.

[A]

Yeah. And then that fails the. The.

[B]

That is an awesome detail.

[A]

The numbers that came in, it took him forever.

[B]

They were like. You built a home. What's a coffin?

[C]

He's like, I don't need all this space. It's just me.

[B]

Oh, boy. How many bathrooms do you put in a coffin? I did two and a half.

[A]

A week ago Sunday. He was taken ill and grew worse, dying Sunday beside his wife, who was also down with pneumonia and was expected to die.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

They died together.

[B]

I like that.

[A]

Yeah. Because he.

[B]

But she was 18 years younger because.

[A]

He gave her pneumonia.

[B]

Yeah. He was like, you're coming with me.

[C]

He's like, I built this coffin big enough for two of us.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We're gonna do.

[C]

We're not reopening.

[B]

We'll do head to toes.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

The Eternal 69. Darling.

[C]

That's beautiful.

[B]

It is.

[A]

And preparing for his funeral, it was found that his cherished hope could not be complied with, as the coffin was slightly too small, so they couldn't fit him in.

[B]

The vision was right. My God.

[C]

You scaled it down the first time.

[A]

It scaled down too much.

[B]

Oh, he. He Goldilocks. He Goldilocks. The coffin.

[A]

You gotta crack the legs.

[B]

Oh, my God. Small.

[A]

I hope so.

[B]

Have the family turn around.

[A]

So they. Yes.

[B]

It's like trying to shut your suitcase in a rush. Yeah.

[C]

Someone sit on it. Sit on it.

[B]

Get that. Someone sit on it. We can get them in. Take the clothes off. Maybe that'll make a little more room. I mean, take that big hat off him. I insist on my wearing my hat. I have my hat.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So that's it. They buried him in a different coffin.

[C]

And his wife was not buried with him. Or she was.

[A]

No. It doesn't sound like it.

[B]

Nope.

[C]

Imagine buy two coffins 18 years older than you and still dying at the same.

[B]

Yeah, it's.

[A]

He killed her. He killed her.

[C]

To a certain extent. He killed.

[B]

He murdered her. What are we even talking about? He killed the lady. He built the coffin, and he killed her. Good Lord. How much longer are we gonna go through? The man killed it with his mouth.

[A]

It's not a murder mystery. We know what happened.

[B]

Mouth murdered her. Good Lord. Oh, boy.

[C]

Yeah. 18 years. That's crazy. Okay, so this whole article, though, was written like. I don't know if they did newspapers back then like this, but was there in a certain section, like, was it news or was it more like lifestyle.

[B]

Well, it's not lifestyle.

[A]

This would be a news. Yeah, absolutely.

[B]

News, news, sports page.

[A]

Back then it was just like a wall of, like, text. Like it wasn't like. Yeah, they really didn't compartmentalize stuff.

[B]

You know what I just realized? The phones has really stopped the in bathroom graffiti. Go ahead. Gone.

[A]

What do you. What?

[B]

Think about it. We used to have time and we'd be in there bored, and we'd be like, yeah, we got phones. Yeah, we're not bored. We're in there like, okay.

[A]

You literally just thought of that during this discussion about the coffin.

[B]

I think it's a testament to the safe space that all of us have created for everybody else on this.

[C]

It feels curated in a really. In a really nice way.

[B]

That's exactly right.

[C]

Yeah. Does anyone ask something they want to share? Yeah.

[B]

Any revelations here into.

[A]

No.

[B]

I love cheese, but I don't eat cheese. Anything else.

[A]

It doesn't need to be distorted. I also don't eat grilled cheese sandwiches. I probably had a couple in my life. They can go themselves.

[B]

You. You.

[C]

I agree to that. I'm. I hate.

[B]

Foolish old. Hate cheese.

[C]

But I love mozzarella sticks.

[B]

Yeah. See this? Yes. Yes, yes.

[A]

I'll eat pizza. Pizza. I don't like it between bread.

[B]

I don't like hot cheese. Pizza's delicious.

[A]

I didn't say I didn't like hot cheese. There's certain.

[B]

Everyone's laughing at you. And they're in their car.

[A]

I don't enjoy.

[B]

And everyone is laughing at you.

[A]

Cheese.

[B]

I'm checking our numbers and people are dropping off this episode. Since you started riffing on your cheese stuff.

[A]

Declared himself denied being a thief and wanted it known who he was. A man who has said his name was Neville Cook.

[B]

I'm Neville Cook.

[A]

And claimed to live on have Haverford Avenue. Was arrested early yesterday morning by watchman Tuft of the City hall force on suspicion of attempting to rob James Carroll of 1511 Ramstead Street, a newspaper dealer who sells papers at 19th and Chestnut.

[B]

Too many addresses.

[C]

I know where all these places are. I can go to the crime. Do you really need to check in later? Yeah.

[B]

Is that possible?

[C]

Right?

[B]

Is it crazy for you to go there now and just take your computer? That's awesome.

[A]

Thank you so much.

[C]

Let me grab my other tank. Yeah.

[B]

Thank you so much. Thank you. Well, now I feel bad that you said the tank thing. I feel like it's a lot of carrying.

[C]

Well, if you felt bad enough, you would wear one in solidarity.

[B]

Tell her I had a Tank on before we. And I said, I don't think it's right. I said, is this crazy?

[A]

Carol, who is about four feet high?

[B]

That finally a detail that's interesting. And four feet high is such a funny way.

[C]

As opposed to tall. Because they were like. We can't say tall. He's not tall.

[B]

But four feet high.

[A]

Who just throws that out?

[B]

It's a crazy one.

[A]

Was walking through the.

[B]

Here's some addresses. This woman was half the size of a ring.

[C]

This guy was into numbers.

[B]

But if it's just a kid. Yeah, Andy, that's a child. That is a four foot tall woman. And also quite immature. Look at that tiny man was walking.

[A]

Through the courtyard of the big building shortly after 5 o' clock when Cook threw his overcoat over the diminutive paper seller. Okay.

[B]

So crazy. So he just tossed his jacket on the guy.

[A]

He just threw his trench coat over a little man.

[B]

Hello. Come live with me. You're little.

[A]

You're wrong, Bobby. They don't disappear when you throw your jacket on him.

[B]

He's furious. Look at him. He's livid. What are you upset? Bad little man. You're gonna put that one of your papers.

[A]

Oh, you can't see me.

[B]

You live with me now.

[A]

Carol.

[B]

How'd you sleep?

[A]

Carol.

[C]

I'm also wondering how much of it the truth of him being about 4ft high versus like somebody editorializing, like just trying out of this dude.

[A]

Yeah, he's five, six.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. I was gonna say he's five eight and a half.

[B]

Look at this little guy.

[A]

Carol thought that the man intended to rob him and hurried away and came back with watchman Tuft, to whom he had made known his thoughts. And Cook was there waiting. I just threw up. Obviously. I threw my coat over him because he's small.

[B]

He's guilty of being a cutie pie. What do you want me to do? He's out here flaunting how tiny and delicious he is. I want a little bit of that gnome thigh. Give me. Gimme. Your honor, you're allowed to put a jacket on a baby boy man. Good lord. This man's cute. He thinks he's a grown up. He's wrong. I put my coat on him. I wanted him. If that's a crime, lock me up.

[C]

Yeah. Your honor, if you saw a silly goose, you would do it too. Okay.

[B]

To be fair, this man is adorable. Get over here. He was born to be beyond young man.

[A]

Or do I call you boy? Young small man.

[B]

Tiny human grown.

[A]

Tiny human grown. Do you enjoy being captured by coats.

[B]

Answer the judge.

[C]

Your honor. Are you mad at me?

[B]

Are you talking? We can't hear you. You're tiny.

[A]

The latter had not yet fully recovered from the effects of the liquor. When arraigned before magistrate Ger at 10 o', clock. He seemed amazed when he was told that he was suspected of being a highwayman. I'm no thief. Why should I steal what I own three houses. I'm the original Neville Cook. And I want everybody to know it.

[B]

This is. Every man in this paper has been out of their minds. Literally. I'm Neville Cook. Cook. We don't care about your name. I'm Neville Cook. And I wanted a little. Paper man.

[C]

I was gonna say every man in these stories are so proud of who they so verbal about who they are that I'm starting to not believe them. You know?

[B]

I know.

[C]

I don't know if he is Neville Cook.

[B]

Good Lord. I built my own coffin. Why is everyone crazy? The hell?

[A]

He was committed to prison in default of 600 bail for another hearing tomorrow afternoon. Wow. I mean that was.

[B]

That's great.

[C]

But the story was that he's maybe not guilty. Is that. Isn't that how it started? I mean, he was only suspected of declared himself.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Not.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So he said he wasn't.

[B]

He wasn't guilty. But he doesn't understand yet he's guilty. But to him he's like, I'm innocent. Good Lord. If you saw one, you'd want it too. I like Laboos. Is that crazy?

[A]

Last one?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Hot shot at the theater. The newspaper will catch it next from Pastor Neal. Reverend George H. Neil, pastor of the Pittsburgh. The Pittman Methodist Church, who denounced the dance as being immoral in sermon last Sunday. Opened his batteries on the theater this evening.

[B]

Wow. He's a Philly through and through. He's what?

[C]

Even batteries pulled him right out, baby.

[B]

Yeah. That feels like a way. That sounds like a euphemism for exposing yourself. I showed him the batteries.

[A]

Yeah. I opened my batteries on that one. Yeah. Like most evils of our day, the theater has had a long and dark past. It has existed since 600 years before Christ.

[C]

The.

[A]

The theater is the twin sister of the dance. They were both born in heathenism and rocked in the cradle of vice. I agree.

[C]

I was. I can't even really poke holes in that. I have a college degree in theater and everything he said.

[B]

Maybe. Oh, man.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Whoops.

[A]

Then Mr. Neil went on to quote. From men of eminence in the world who from time to time had invade against the theater. Clement Scott was quoted in his utterance to the effect that it was almost impossible for a woman to adopt a dramatic career and remain pure. Well, that.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

Jesus Christ. I mean, she's not pure. She acts.

[A]

She is sullied.

[B]

Good Lord.

[C]

She was living truthfully through imaginary circumstances. Officer.

[B]

Here before.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

God. Meisner. Jesus Christ.

[C]

Oh, boy. This guy is talking like he's just someone who failed out of theater school, and he's so bad about it.

[B]

All right.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Is the newspaper. A safe moral guide will be the context of Mr. Neal's sermon next Sunday.

[B]

The answer is no. We just went through it.

[A]

These sensational sermons have attracted greater crowds than the church can accommodate.

[B]

That's why he's doing it.

[A]

Spillover. Yeah, he's got spillover crowds. He's getting a sellout bonus.

[B]

Hit the bonus.

[C]

But again, isn't that always kind of a thing about, like, when you see those pastors at the. Like, the mega churches? Yeah, yeah. They zip line in and they're just like, this is. Yeah. And like, these are. These are theater people, right?

[B]

Oh, absolutely. Yeah. It's a sin to make this about you. This is about the Lord right Now excuse me while I explode up to the ceiling, put on angel wings.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, Kirsten, thank you for joining us, guys.

[C]

Thank you. This was. This was dope as hell. This ruled. Thank you.

[B]

We'll come back. We'd love to have you back. And I guess it's time to pick. Pick the winner.

[C]

Yeah. Well, a lot of pros, A lot of cons for both. Gareth didn't have as much stage time because he was getting up a lot just for logistics.

[B]

Well, that's blocking. Yeah, but that. I don't feel it. Yeah, that's.

[C]

I was gonna say, in a way, though, drawing the eye more so. So there's that. Dave had all the info.

[B]

I mean, you're ignoring the mozzarella.

[C]

I was exactly. Just gonna say, unfortunately, the mozzarella sticks feels like an unforgivable. Yeah, but it. When you come to Philly and you want to get mozzarella sticks, we can have a different conversation. But until then, we're actually.

[B]

We're in Philly in March, aren't we?

[A]

Yeah, we're in Philly in March.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, great.

[C]

If you want to come get mozzarella.

[B]

I said you'll come out to the show. So that's an order. And you'll do it. We'll throw our coat over you, and where you wake up is where you'll be.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Well, thank you, Kirsten. We look forward to mozzarella sticks. Thank you for joining.

[C]

Thank you. Been real. See you later. Hey.

[B]

Hey, what's up, doll heads? This is Gareth Reynolds from the Doll up, the podcast you're listening to. Hey, I've got some very exciting information. If you like movies and you're in the San Jose area, I made a movie. It's called Give it up and it will be at the Cinequest Film Festival. You can go to GiveItUpFilm.com for tickets and information. It'll be March 15th is the main screening, so go to GiveItUpFilm.Com also if you like stand up comedy, February 4th, I'll be in Spokane, February 5th, Bend, Oregon. Then I'll be in Portland February 6th and February 7th, three shows that night. Then I'll be at flappers in Burbank February 21, Bakersfield, February 27 for two shows. I will be in Albuquerque, New Mexico, April 19, Tulsa, Oklahoma, April 21 Bricktown comedy in Oklahoma City April 22, Dallas, Texas, April 23, Tyler, Texas, April 24, Finally, Houston, April 25, two shows, Austin at the Great Cap City April 26 and then San Antonio April 28 and Tucson April 29. Garethreynolds.com for tickets and information. But also if you want to go see my movie and you're in the san Jose area, giveitupfilm.com.