165 - The Past Times with Natalia Kvalem

Summary

The Dollop #165: The Past Times with Natalia Kvalem
Release Date: March 13, 2026
Hosts: Dave Anthony & Gareth Reynolds
Guest: Natalia Kvalem

Episode Overview

In this lively and irreverent episode of The Past Times (a spin-off of The Dollop), comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds are joined by circus and comedy performer Natalia Kvalem. The trio explores the New York Herald from December 7, 1922, riffing on genuine news stories from the past century with their trademark blend of history, wit, and improv. The episode ranges from discussions about pocket meats to bizarre divorce court stories, odd dog excuses, and an unexpected journey through 1920s society’s quirks.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The “Guess the Year” Introduction

• The show opens with banter as guests attempt to guess the year of the selected newspaper.
  • Natalia guesses "1600s," Gareth goes with "2026," and Dave picks "1922"—the correct answer.
  • [02:39] Quote:
    “Natalia is very clear okay, great. Great. All right, then I’m going to go 20, 26. Let’s meet in the middle, see who wins this.” (Dave)

2. Meat in the Pockets: The Tale of Henry Kuzlo

• [03:21] The group reads about a dishwasher found with a roast chicken, two pounds of sauerkraut, a fresh ham, and a bottle of ketchup stashed in pockets.
  • Discussion revolves around the practicality and emotional motivations of carrying meat around.
  • Notable quotes and exchanges:
    • "He's like a walking PITA." (Gareth, [05:04])
    • "Have you ever had a rotisserie chicken on a hard day?" (Natalia, [07:10])
    • Gareth jokes about “the pocket rule”—being allowed to leave your job with as much food as you can fit in your clothes ([12:18]):
    “I actually do subscribe to the pocket rule. As much as you can load in yourself. Like a ham magician.”

3. The Deaf Dog Can Do No Evil

• [13:07] The trio reads about a man defending his unmuzzled French poodle in court, claiming the dog is harmless because it’s deaf and was born in the trenches of Marne.
  • Extended riffing on poodle intelligence and theories about pets’ secret lives.
    • "Should everyone be named after their origin trauma though?" (Dave, [16:39])
    • "Isn’t that right, C-section?” (Natalia, [16:47])
  • Anecdotes about Dave’s own doodle dogs watching him sleep ([15:02]).

4. Divorce, Bad Math, and the “Wife Can’t Count” Story

• [17:08] The group discusses a man seeking annulment as his wife can’t do arithmetic, leading to a deep dive into historical gender roles, "girl math," and ironic social commentary.
  • [20:32] Gareth highlights the absurdity:
    “So you live in the era where women aren’t allowed to spend any money... But you pretty much have eliminated the use of numbers other than maybe weighing flour. And yet this guy’s all the way at the Supreme Court because he’s like, she can’t budget.”
  • Natalia introduces the concept of "girl math" ([20:38]):
    “So I go into a store and let’s say a $50 item is 50% off. I just made $25 by buying.”

5. Court-Ordered Street Bans & Marital Strife

• [33:51] A judge orders a drunken husband not to set foot on his wife’s street; logistics and absurdities of the sentence are lampooned.
  • [35:46] “Avoid the road. That’s the one year complication.” (Dave)
  • The group jokes about custody visits and the impracticalities of enforced street bans, e.g., playing catch across the block ([37:37] Natalia: “I’ll play catch with you from 38th street to 37th street, but don’t make me go there.”)

6. Prohibition-Era Liquor Deaths & Justice

• [41:00] An article is read about five men released after a woman dies of alcohol poisoning. Rapid asides on Prohibition, miscarriage of justice, and a detour into RoboCop and Schrodinger’s Cat.
  • “Five guys, her, and she dies from alcohol poisoning. It’s very shady.” (Dave, [43:28])
  • “I think it’s a Schrodinger’s cat thing where RoboCop is both dead and alive.” (Natalia, [42:22])

7. Sing Sing Prisoners’ Musical Comedy

• [43:51] Dave shares a story about the “Honey Girl” musical performed by convicts for outside visitors.
  • “They name the prison the Sing-Sing Prison. What do they expect but to break out a musical song?” (Natalia, [44:16])
  • Routine riffs about casting, escape risks, and the merits of prison reform through theater.

8. Senate Smoking Scandal

• [47:22] The group marvels at a story of a senator shocking Congress by smoking a cigar on the floor.
  • “I pine for the time when that was in the paper. I mean, this is the first political article of this paper.” (Dave, [47:37])

9. Woodrow Wilson's Obedience

• [52:23] Mrs. Wilson claims her husband, former President Woodrow Wilson, always obeys orders.
  • “This guy was like, don’t print this article.” (Dave, [52:30])
  • “He does exactly what his doctor tells him to do and cooperates with him in every way imaginable so that we all are delighted with the results.” (Mrs. Wilson via Gareth, [53:51])
  • The crew jokes about national treaties and marital compliance.

10. Round-the-World Yacht Adventure & ‘Savage’ Stereotypes

• [54:50] Newspaper details a yacht’s world tour, racism is called out in coverage of indigenous peoples encountered.
  • “It’s so it. It’s like the sweet racism. These idiot savages could maybe help us.” (Dave, [58:05])
  • Natalia: “Maybe, just maybe, we have something to learn from these morons.” ([58:18])

11. Hallmark Parody: The Meat Coat Rom-Com

• [49:55] A running bit about Hallmark movies involving a “meat coat” romance develops from the opening story’s oddities.
  • “Holiday deli. She walked in to get some cold cuts. They had a real meat truck turn.” (Dave)
  • Natalia: “And then she’s like, I’ve decided to stop being a vegetarian. You’ve shown me the true meaning of Christmas.” ([50:09])

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Pocket Meat Philosophy:
  “I actually do subscribe to the pocket rule. As much as you can load in yourself. Like a ham magician.” (Gareth, [12:18])

• Divorce by “Innumeracy”:
  “Her inability to account… at the Supreme Court because he’s like, she can’t budget.” (Dave, [20:32])

• On Naming People After Trauma:
  “Should everyone be named after their origin trauma though? Sure, I’ll be Bingo Night.” (Dave, [16:39])

• Girl Math Explanation:
  “So I go into a store and let’s say a $50 item is 50% off. I just made $25 by buying.” (Natalia, [20:38])

• Dog’s Excuse for Bad Behavior:
  “Any animal or person who is deaf can... It cannot do evil. Technically. Sure.” (Dave, [13:31])

• Prisoners, Not Performers:
  “The biggest, easiest prison boss guy comes up, he’s like, I’m Honey Girl.” (Natalia, [44:51])

• Historic Political Etiquette:
  “Unaware that he was transgressing one of the sacred and vital… Inviolate rules of the body, he puffed away, oblivious…” (Gareth, reading, [48:59])

• Sweet Racism Parodied:
  “It’s like the sweet racism. These idiot savages could maybe help us.” (Dave, [58:05])

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• [02:39] — Opening guessing game: “Guess the Year”
• [03:21] — Whole cooked chicken, kraut, ham, and ketchup in pockets story begins
• [07:10] — Emotional debate about comfort rotisserie chicken
• [13:07] — “Marnie the deaf dog” and sentient poodles
• [17:08] — Wife can’t count; arithmetic and annulment debate
• [33:51] — Judge orders husband off wife’s street & divorce logistics
• [41:00] — Five men acquitted in a woman’s alcohol poisoning death
• [43:51] — Convict comedy at Sing Sing Prison: “Honey Girl” musical
• [47:22] — Senate smoking “scandal”
• [52:23] — Mrs. Wilson’s ode to obedient husband, President Wilson
• [54:50] — World-traveling yacht and “savage” stereotypes
• [49:55] — Hallmark Christmas “Meat Coat” romantic comedy parody

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Final Highlights & Takeaways

• Comedic Style: The episode is rapid-fire, absurd, and self-aware, blending actual history with sharp satire and improv.
• Memorable lines and recurring bits: Pocket meat, “girl math,” meat coat romance, historical marriage disputes, “sweet racism” parodies, and old timey bureaucracy.
• Running Theme: Social and gender dynamics, the absurdities of 1920s American society, and the enduring problems (and comedy) found in old newspapers.

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Guest Spotlight: Natalia Kvalem

• Introduced as a multi-hyphenate performer—comedy, circus, burlesque.
• Plugs her stage persona “Miss Kitty Divine.”
• “If you don’t like, you can go confront them.” (On publishing addresses in old papers, [05:50])
• Closes by describing her circus skills performed at funerals and children’s parties:
  “A funeral is the perfect time to hire a fire spinner.” (Natalia, [61:24])

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Summary:
A raucous tour through the oddities of 1922 New York, this episode is a comedic collision of past and present, highlighting just how strange (and familiar) old news can sound—and how comedians can morph any bit of trivia into enduring laughs.

Transcript

[A]

All right. Welcome to the pastimes. Some call this Dave. It's a podcast, but it's basically like a radio. It's like. It's like a radio show.

[B]

I don't know what you're doing.

[A]

You know what we do here each week, we go through a newspaper from a random date in history picked out by none other than Dave Anthony. I, Gareth Reynolds, have never seen it, and neither has this week's guest, the great Natalia, Kyle Kavalem. Hello, Natalia. Hey. Hi.

[C]

Hello. Hello. David and Gareth.

[B]

Hello.

[A]

Thank you. We should go by David and Garlia.

[C]

I was just feeling that, you know, wasn't that.

[A]

It felt like that's. Are you leaving the show? It's hard to tell.

[C]

I'm already out. I've done my part.

[A]

I don't say. That's fine. We can figure it out. Natalia, we just met you shooting a little short for our buddy Prestis in Denver, and we just had such a laugh. We were like, you got to come do the show. So thank you for being here. Now, you, you're a hybrid. You're a multi hyphenate. What. Where can people find you? And what will they. What will they find when they find you?

[C]

Criminal records mostly. But beyond that, sure, beyond that, you can find me at Miss Kitty Divine. I am a multi hyphenate. I do comedy, circus and burlesque, you know, and for the right amount, I do take hits. You know, I.

[A]

You take hits? What does that mean?

[C]

You know, just, you know, wink, wink, nudge.

[A]

Oh, you do the right, right, yeah.

[C]

It's just a side business. You know, every artist.

[A]

You know that.

[C]

Every artist.

[A]

Yeah. No day, I didn't. I've never called them hits, but I take them. Boy, howdy do I. Yeah, I got a specific Venmo for hit taking.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Here's what's gonna happen. We're gonna go through this old weird newspaper. Prestis has picked it out. Dave will go through it. We're gonna start with a little guessing game, a little warm up where we're gonna guess what year this paper is from. This paper could be from the 1700s, it could be from the 1800s, could be from the 1900s. Shit. I mean, we're a quarter way through this one. It could be from the 2000ish years, whatever it' but you quiet now. Are you going to take a hit? But you get to start with the guessing. So you get to guess a year. No context, just a random guess. This is like a vibes thing.

[C]

1600s.

[A]

Natalia is very clear okay, great. Great. All right, then I'm going to go 20, 26. Let's meet in the middle, see who wins this.

[B]

1922.

[A]

Hey.

[C]

Gotcha.

[B]

There's no winner.

[A]

There is a winner.

[B]

You can't give a winner to this one.

[A]

That's a winner. I tell you, the guest has won every episode for probably a hundred.

[B]

You won one.

[A]

I've won a couple.

[B]

Yeah. Like. Like recently you won one. I don't remember why you and Josh. And Josh lost.

[A]

It's. It's. It's.

[C]

So you're getting better.

[B]

He is.

[A]

Wouldn't go that far. Okay, so here we go. So where are we looking for Dave?

[B]

It is the New York Herald on December 7, 1922.

[A]

Okay. Roaring 20th.

[B]

Anything? Sometimes Prestis does stuff that's close to the guest, but maybe not this time. No, it's very interesting.

[A]

It's interesting. Prestis. Some call it sexist. Prestis is sexist.

[B]

Where were you?

[C]

I have heard that name before. Yeah. That's actually how I met him.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Where were you born? At Natala. Natalia.

[A]

Natalia.

[C]

You're close. You're close. Natalia. I was born in Dallas.

[B]

Oh, you were born Dallas.

[A]

So there's no connection. So nobody has any connection to this paper. So that must mean it must be good.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Wait, so remind me one more time, where is this paper?

[A]

New York.

[B]

New York. New York.

[A]

Where the socialist.

[C]

So that's a connection.

[A]

Oh, okay. That's this plaque. He must have known that I. Oh, that's interesting.

[B]

Both live there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Whole cooked chicken. Ham, kraut in pockets.

[A]

Is that a scavenger hunt list?

[B]

No.

[C]

How many pockets?

[B]

I should say whole cooked chicken, comma, kraut in pockets.

[A]

Whole cooked chicken, comma kraut impact. Well, it's the 1920s. You could see kraut being a derogatory term. You could also assume that someone had shoved chicken and kraut in their pockets. And ham and ham.

[C]

I thought kraut was like the original clout. You know, if you're walking around with a whole chicken, that's a lot of kraut for someone in German.

[A]

In Germany, actually, that is how it works. If you. He's like, oh, yeah, he's really popular. He's got so much kraut right now. He's got big pull in the government. He's got a lot of kraut.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Have a laugh. It's good for the heart. Okay, so he's got. So he's like a walking PETA.

[B]

That is exactly what I was Going

[A]

to say, okay, he's got ham, chicken, kraut in his pockets. He's walking around, he's on the front page of the newspaper. I mean, this is big stuff.

[B]

Patrolman John Fournier of the Morris. Morrisania. Morrisania Station, while waiting yesterday morning for a streetcar that would take him off duty and to his home, stood near Henry Kuzlo, age 36 of 18 East 117th Street.

[A]

They do the addresses. It's a big thing. They would tell where everyone lived.

[C]

I think that's helpful. You know, if you don't like, you can go confront them.

[A]

Yeah, that's helpful. And also, it's just, you can picture I, I now know kind of the zone where he is. By the way, as you went through this, I just realized there will be no justification for what is about to do. Probably not. There's no rationale that's going to work for me as to why he's put like buffet style eating in his pants.

[C]

I mean, have you ever had a rotisserie chicken?

[A]

Yes. Thank you.

[C]

Sometimes that's the closest you'll get to the loving warmth that you so dearly crave.

[A]

Excuse me. So you are suggesting that this was a. Now then defy. Why the kraut?

[B]

It's awesome.

[A]

Why the crowd? Crowd was also the hot kraut.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Who wants a hot crowd?

[B]

You bring. You know why you bring the kraut? Because if the, the chicken or the ham is too hot, you have a little bit of a buffer with the crowd.

[A]

This is. Now it's all falling apart. You had me for a minute, but no temperature control. Nope.

[C]

Well, what if you ran into a vegetarian? You want to share your chicken, but they're like, oh no, I must have.

[A]

The chicken is for warmth in your pitch. Yeah, the chicken is a heating mechanism,

[C]

but like also emotional warmth.

[A]

Okay, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Let's see.

[C]

Have you ever had a rotisserie chicken

[A]

on a hard day? I. Stop asking if I've had a rotisserie chicken. Of course I've had a ro. Yes.

[B]

What about on a hard day?

[A]

On a hard day? Yeah, like when I'm down in the dumps, boss canned me.

[B]

It's just one of those things.

[A]

They found out I was embezzling.

[B]

Make you feel a little bit better,

[A]

go to Costco and grab one of those sick ass birds.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

Yeah. That they've just admitted are terrible. Terribly chemical than everything. Sweet Costco.

[B]

They did. I actually got sushi from Costco the other day.

[A]

Jesus. Christ. But you get twice the diarrhea.

[C]

Wholesale diarrhea.

[A]

All sale, wholesale.

[B]

Good. Best diarrhea. So much of it. Henry Kozlow had just come from his work as a dishwasher at the bakery lunchroom of John Harmet on 3rd Avenue in the Bronx. Delectable.

[A]

Now, it's a class issue.

[B]

Delectable smells. So far, I'm loving this. Delectable smells.

[A]

You're just.

[B]

You're just on the subway, I assume. That's right. Subway, yeah. Streetcar. You're on a streetcar. And just. You're like, oh, my God, am I in a deli? It's awesome.

[A]

Something smells good.

[C]

Hey.

[A]

Hey. Why is that guy covered in grease?

[C]

See, now I'm questioning, is this a news article or a personal ad?

[B]

It could be a personal ad.

[A]

I would respond.

[C]

Yeah. Delicious smells. Kraut and whole chicken. Come make over and eat my pants.

[A]

My address is already printed in the paper. Come take a hit.

[B]

What if you're. You have a job in a deli or wherever, you're around meats all day, and then you decide going home, you're going to give people an aromatic feast.

[A]

I know. I mean, it's a wild decision to be like, I'm going to get on the car and really make everyone happy with the smells. But this is what happened. This guy is poor and took it. That's what I think. Just a Turkish took it. Turkish. There's no water during the show. Natalie. I'm sorry.

[B]

We go, yeah.

[A]

We go dry. Sorry.

[B]

Take down the ladder.

[A]

I go, yeah. If you could lose the ladder, that'd be great. We go dry. No ladders. We're the opposite of a fire department.

[B]

What is going on with the ladder, by the way?

[C]

It's. It's actually the illusion of ladder. It's mirror.

[A]

What?

[B]

The mind blown.

[A]

And there's a fan. All right, stop.

[B]

Delectable smells assailed the nostrils of the patrolman who investigated and found Kuzlo had one roast chicken, two pounds of sauerkraut, a fresh ham, and a bottle of ketchup concealed in pockets of an overcoat.

[A]

He's a sandwich. Why?

[B]

You're right, though. It's none of your business. Meats aren't illegal. You don't get to search a guy.

[A]

This is just classic cop.

[C]

Here's the thing. Here's the thing. I was totally on support with him until they mentioned the ketchup. Get that guy. The ketchup is too much. A whole ham, a whole chicken, sauerkraut. That's. That's admirable. That's understandable.

[B]

But what.

[C]

Ketchup is where I draw the line.

[A]

Actually, she doesn't like ketchup. Well, actually, it's a bias.

[B]

And none of these go with ketchup.

[A]

Ketchup. Get. Get.

[B]

What do you. What?

[A]

Ketchup goes with everything.

[B]

No, it doesn't. Absolutely do mustard.

[A]

You could dip cheese and ketchup. You'd be glad you did.

[B]

What are you talking.

[A]

You could.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But you could definitely dip chicken and ketchup. Have you ever had ketchup with eggs? Oh, I know. It's great. Delicious. Take that look off your face. Get. Climb your ladder to your mirror and go. Y' all kill you in person, right?

[B]

Look. Yeah. Now she's hissing like.

[C]

That is the. That is the reaction that ketchup elicits. It's not that I. It's not that I have anything against ketchup personally. It's just the people that defend ketchup, I do take personal issue.

[A]

Hmm. Interesting people. Interesting how? That's just who I was. And now you have an issue. I get it. Well, let's see. Because I think at the end of the story, we're gonna be on this guy's side.

[B]

I am actually now considering dipping roast chicken and ketchup to see what it would be like.

[A]

It's gonna be good.

[B]

I know. It's not the ham. It's not the ham. The ham does not go with ketchup.

[A]

Listen, I'm not gonna keep doing this because we gotta get to it, but in England when I was a kid, you would have a bacon sandwich. Two ingredients, well outside of the bread, bacon and ketchup. Delicious.

[B]

But that's not ham. Bacon is not ham. Bacon is bacon and ham is ham.

[A]

This show's lost the plot.

[B]

As the owner of the lunchroom had been missing food for some time, Koslo was held in 300 bail by Magistrate Bernard Doris.

[A]

300 back then is a lot.

[B]

That's a lot of money.

[A]

That's a high bail. Yeah, I stand by. I think this guy's in the right. I think the ketchup is. He probably was thinking of others.

[B]

I. I think he's right. But. Ok. With ketchup, I think you should be able to pack your.

[A]

Natalia, have you.

[B]

When you leave your job at a food place, you should be able legally to put as much food in your pockets as you can carry.

[A]

I actually do subscribe to the pocket rule. As much as you can load in yourself. Like a ham magician.

[C]

See, I'm. I'm imagining him like one of those, like, because again, he's walking around the Bronx. Right. I'm imagin a trench coat.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Full of like a. Thanksgiving. Looks like a streaker on each side.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. He looks like a flasher, but he's. Instead, it's just like, it's. It's just buffet style.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

He walks down the street. Would you like to see the meats?

[A]

No.

[C]

And then it's a rotisserie chicken.

[A]

Oh, my God, is that ketchup?

[B]

Hey, lady, check out the ham.

[A]

Hey, lady. Love to see my ham.

[C]

That's how my parents met, actually.

[B]

Oh, that's nice. See, I like a good story.

[A]

That's how we met. Prestas.

[C]

Oh, that checks out.

[B]

Says Marnie, dog is deaf and thus can't do evil.

[A]

Huh.

[C]

Wait, say that again, please.

[B]

Marnie is m a R N E. So it could be Marne. Mar. I'm gonna go with Marnie. Says Marnie dog is deaf and thus can't do evil.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

The. Any. Anything.

[A]

It's an interesting defense.

[B]

Any animal or person who is deaf can. It cannot do evil. Technically.

[A]

Sure. Okay.

[B]

It's a loophole. Pretty sure. Name one deaf person who's been evil.

[A]

Beethoven. Real jerk off. Also a dog.

[C]

That's true.

[B]

Oh, Beethoven was a dog. Yeah.

[A]

Friends with Charles Grodin, but that plot thickens.

[B]

Deaf.

[A]

You don't know that. Now that, from what I hear, it didn't take direction.

[B]

Greg was a rascal.

[A]

It's true. Just like the real Beethoven.

[B]

The excuse offered by amos Shipley of 28 W. 94th St. When he was in Yorkville Court yesterday for walking an unmuzzled dog in Central park was that the animal was too tiny. Was a too tiny French poodle too small to damage anyone or anything?

[C]

I don't think they've met a French poodle.

[B]

No. Yeah, I agree.

[C]

They are very. They are so smart. And like any doodle. Anything in the poodle variety, way too sentient to be a dog.

[A]

Dave is. Dave is a doodle breeder at this point. Dave's got a barn of doodles.

[B]

Three doodles.

[A]

Three.

[C]

Watch you when you sleep.

[A]

It's hard to know they.

[B]

Yeah, sometimes they do. Yeah, Pablo's. No, Pablo and Larry both do that.

[A]

He's got Pablo, Larry and Maple.

[C]

So when you walk into the door, do they go immediately onto all fours and pretend like they weren't skinwalkers walking around your kitchen?

[B]

Pretty.

[C]

Making that.

[B]

But I think that's fine.

[A]

Take the chef. As soon as the door opens, like chef hat.

[C]

They're like, pretend to Be a dog, guys. Pretend to be a dog.

[A]

Lick your asses.

[B]

Remember, we're dumb again.

[A]

Hey, where's the guy who knows where the food is, jackass?

[B]

Furthermore, he said the dog was born deaf in the trenches of the Marne of shell shocked parents, which he contends put it in the class of absolutely harmless things. Okay, so that's got to be a war.

[A]

But it's also is a. An impo. This defense is extremely weak. It's an extreme who's confronting him some.

[B]

Well, he bit. Oh no, he just got in trouble because the dog wasn't muzzled.

[A]

But trouble by who? I mean, we've got guys walking around with full fouls in their jackets and we're spending our time with this dog that's just not muzzled.

[B]

It actually doesn't say. But I, I assume some sort of animal authority or a. Karen.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

The Marne is a 514 kilometer long French river famous for two decisive World War I battles.

[C]

I, I mean, I think it's a little messed up. I thought the dog's name was Marne. And that's where they're like, oh, we found you in this treacherous river. Let's name you after your. Your, Your origin trauma.

[A]

You will be Marn.

[B]

Should everyone be named after their origin trauma though?

[A]

Sure, I'll be. Bingo night.

[C]

Isn't that right, C section?

[A]

This is my son Fish concert.

[B]

Let's see. Wife can't count up, husband complains.

[A]

This is. I. Would you say this is one tenth of the stories that we've. Yeah, it's just some husband just being like my wife ain't doing it right.

[C]

Yeah, that was breaking news back in the day.

[A]

Yeah, they're like, wife can't count.

[B]

And now thankfully we had trad wives,

[A]

so it's all around, thank God, you

[C]

know, dress, dress for the job you want. Isn't that right, Gareth?

[A]

Well, I did that and then the cop arrested me for having a chicken, ham, kraut and ketchup in my pants.

[C]

Don't let them stop your dreams. You could be a Thanksgiving meal.

[A]

Yeah, just laying down like, like Japanese businessman eat Thanksgiving off of me.

[C]

That's exactly what they want. Add that tier to the Patreon.

[A]

Tons of chicken on my. I put most of the chicken around my penis. Go ahead, Japanese businessman.

[C]

My mashed potato bush.

[A]

There you are. Enjoy. And there's also some bum ham if you boys brought your appetites. Sorry about the kraut not staying put. It's a slippery, juicy sort of cabbage.

[B]

Where was it?

[A]

It's been armpits and underneck and mouth. That's the last thing I say. I go, and by the way, there's more kraut in the mouth. And then some guys, like, ask me a question. I'm like a car.

[C]

Lala, you want some ketchup? Belly button. Belly button full of ketchup.

[B]

That's gotta ketchup right out of the dude. Julius Berman, a closed cutter of 3 clothes cutter, Livonia Avenue, Brooklyn. Just, Sorry. Told Supreme Court Justice Capper in Brooklyn yesterday.

[A]

Phenomenal that this is all the way to the Supreme Court. My wife can't count.

[C]

Now, remind me, what year was this?

[A]

22.

[C]

This is still, is, this is still the, Is this still the same guy with the chickens?

[A]

No, all different.

[B]

There's different people.

[C]

Okay. There was just not a lot going on in the 20s.

[B]

No, not, not very much at all.

[A]

No. Well, New York's a tiny city.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

There's a lot of boring happening.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He told Justice Capper in Brooklyn yesterday that Ms. Sarah Berman was not qualified for married life because she knew nothing of arithmetic and could not therefore handle the family budget.

[A]

I don't understand. And I, and I'm, Listen, I'm a white guy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But allow me to posit a question. A very pale white man. Allow me to posit a question. So you live in the era where women aren't allowed to spend any money. They're not allowed to have their own bank accounts, I guess taxes, I don't exist in that form at that time. But you pretty much have eliminated the use of numbers other than maybe weighing and measuring different cups of flour. And yet this guy's all the way at the Supreme Court because he's like, she can't budget.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

I don't allow her to touch a pencil. But she can't figure out math.

[C]

I, I, I think this man has not heard of girl math. It's the phenomenon sweeping the nation.

[A]

Walk me through it.

[C]

Okay. Okay. So let me give you an example of girl math. Okay, So I go into a store and let's say a 50 item is 50 off. I just made 25 by buying.

[A]

I know. This is mom math.

[C]

Girl math.

[A]

This is exactly what my mother do. It's 20 off. I'm like, from the store. They're just. She's like, I've saved a lot of money. Like, you spent $60, but I would have spent 90. Like, they really have gotten you. She's fallen full into the pit. It's interesting. I get it, I get it. I get it. I get it? Two for $3. I'm like, well, these idiots.

[B]

Okay, Berman. Berman is asking the annulment of his marriage on the ground Annulment that his wife concealed this disturbing situation from him

[C]

that she doesn't know being the lack of math knowledge.

[A]

Yes. Her, her inability to account.

[B]

I think we'll find something you should

[C]

be upfront with in a relationship. Like, I want kids. I also can't do math and I want to live near my parents when they get old. You know, like those are just the basis of a good relationship.

[B]

Well, you don't even know how kids you want.

[A]

Imagine. Look, if you can't count them, she's perfect, but math wise, she's a disaster.

[C]

Also, were women allowed to go to school at this time? Because where was she supposed to learn math?

[B]

Very, very few. Oh, when they were younger, yeah, they would go to like elementary school.

[A]

But it is a catch 22, you

[B]

cap it at that.

[A]

A term that she wouldn't understand.

[C]

I learned math up until high school and I don't remember a lot of it now.

[A]

Well, that's because most of it is completely fucking useless.

[C]

It is made up.

[A]

It's.

[C]

It's.

[A]

At this point, we're all going to die. We're all going to die really soon.

[B]

Teaches your brain to analyze.

[C]

I don't know about me, sure, but

[A]

there's other ways to do that. That is not. Once they got the X involved, that's where it was like, personally, I think

[B]

you could get rid of math and get the same sort of analytic understanding through porn.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It was at that moment that Gareth got terrified. You could do it through gardening. You could make people to stimulate. I hesitate to make pornographic.

[C]

Plus two equals a three sum.

[A]

Maybe your son, his masturbating took a nasty dip this semester.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Oh, yeah. He's masturbating all the time at home. It just doesn't seem that focused on the porn.

[B]

This is the.

[A]

We have been having trouble locking him in.

[B]

This is the kind of stuff that we on the left should push in schools. So the right is always fighting a battle.

[A]

This is, this is actually now. Well, you started as an idiot, but now you're actually making a legitimately good case. Because if this is what they do, this is what they. They are just like, you know what? We're going to like, do the craziest thing ever. And then the Democrats like, well, hold on a minute. Let's just only deport the bad guys with ice. Instead you should be like, we're going to teach your kids how to jack off. And then they'd be like, no, sex ed, sex ed, sex ed, sex ed.

[B]

So you get them fighting over there so they don't do their other stuff.

[A]

Yeah. And then. And then all the books are in the library still.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

Yeah. I like it.

[C]

I like it. Strategy.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Strategic vote for David.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

The Green Party wanted Dave to run for governor one time.

[B]

I was contacted. She. Things are really bad here in this state, and with that party. She cannot be trusted with even a half dollar. Berman declares.

[A]

Huh.

[B]

This is what we're getting at. It's not. It's not that she's bad with the rhythm check. It's like. So I was engaged once and twice.

[A]

You went through this the second.

[B]

The second time. I do. But the first time, like, she would, like, buy anything she saw on the way home from work. So we'd have, like, 40 bottles of shampoo, and I'd be like, at some point, you don't need any more shampoo. So it's just like. I think what he's saying is, it's not that she's bad with arithmetic.

[A]

I'm not trying to defend her.

[C]

I. I have a controversial take here. All right? It might be kind of offensive to some of our male viewers, but I think. I think he should be making more money. I think the problem isn't her math skills. It's that he's not making enough money to satisfy his wife.

[A]

I. I don't. I. Look, I think there is a victim in the story. It is the wife. I. More money. I mean, it is the Roaring Twenties. It's time. I mean, this would be the time to make more money.

[B]

Starting to roar.

[A]

Yeah, it's just starting to roar. We're roaring. So. Huh. That's only two words.

[B]

A lot of people have bad connotations.

[C]

Yeah. It's like, what's your excuse? The Great Depression hasn't even happened.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

It's like, men don't even want to go into the mines anymore, you know?

[A]

Now you are losing me. So now you have lost me. I was teetering for a moment. I am now gone.

[B]

Because she does not know how much to pay the huckster and how much change, if any, she should receive.

[A]

I love the huckster. So the, like, town huckster goes to the door. She's like, what do we owe you for this month's hawking? 74. There you go, sir.

[B]

No change.

[A]

And it's like, $91.

[B]

The best she could do would be to open her pocketbook and Trust to the peddler's honesty.

[A]

This is at the Supreme Court.

[B]

Yeah, well, it's for a divorce. You probably go to the Supreme Court back then.

[A]

Fuck me. How great with it. So how's the marriage? You know, I get that the Supreme Court's actually finally going to hear our marriage.

[B]

Well, it's all. You love this. There was a time when you had to go to your state legislature to get them to approve your divorce.

[A]

Your Honor, I hate her nightmare.

[C]

I mean, maybe she's playing this guy. She's like, I'm ready for a divorce. I'm ready for greener pastures. I'm going to start being really bad at math so that the Supreme Court will let me get this an old.

[A]

Okay. I love it. Yeah, no notes. I love it. It's like a primal fear.

[B]

Ms. Oh, what the judges were.

[A]

It was a 4, 3 decision, so we tied this lady. I can't with this woman.

[B]

Ms. Berman replied, all the mathematics. All the mathematics that is required for the wife of a man of his type is to know how to buy the bare necessities of life, such as coal, meats, and general food for the table.

[A]

Unrealist.

[B]

While I am not an expert in arithmetic, I have sufficient knowledge to add and subtract and am able to buy all the food for the house.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, she's just.

[B]

He wants her to buy nothing outside of the basics. And she's like, every once in a while, I would like.

[A]

Honey, we're almost out of coal. Where's the coal?

[C]

I need my coal pancakes in the morning. You know how I get.

[A]

You know, I'm eating coal mainly. Now.

[C]

Don't talk to me until I've had my cup of coal.

[A]

Oh, do not even bother engaging me in conversation till I've chewed the coal in the morning.

[C]

That's the cold, hard truth.

[A]

Yes. Yes.

[B]

Damn it. Ms. Berman live.

[A]

We are back.

[B]

Wait, they don't live in the same. Ms. Berman lives at 111 Eldridge Street, Manhattan. Justice Capper reserved decision on her application for alimony.

[C]

Well, she got the address wrong, so she just lived in a different house. The numbers are hard.

[A]

Also, the idea that she's going to get alimony. She can be like, how many pennies is that Hun?

[C]

Yeah, he should take me out. If he. If she doesn't know math, then the alimony is his choice.

[A]

But that is when she does the reveal, which is like, you're 61 cents short. Wait, what? You idiot. I'm your brother. All two of them do that math.

[B]

Gareth the pastimes is brought to you by Mint Mobile.

[A]

Hooray.

[B]

I like keeping my money where I can see it. Just right there. Unfortunately, big wireless carriers, Gary Gareth, they want my money just as much as I want my money.

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Are you doing a Lovett's?

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Oh, yeah.

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And it's the. It's the same quality. They're using the same 5G. It's all the same, as you know. The only thing is that, you know, we've said this before, it does not make your phone taste like mint. I've gotten a lot of letters from people asking why I'm still licking my phone when you tell me to do not like your phone. It does not taste like mint. Go ahead.

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We love mint.

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We love mint. You know, speaking of that, give your phone a little lick. Just give it. Yeah, I think, I think because I

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feel like I just sort of said they just.

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[A]

It's a Mint update or what is that?

[B]

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[A]

Go ahead. Tastes dirt.

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[A]

All right.

[B]

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Okay.

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What are you doing?

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I'm just pumped.

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I agree with this. I agree with this. Is it annoying? I agree with this. This is. We both have been using Rocket Money for a long time those first couple sessions, I mean, you are just. It is nuts what you're getting back. But there is also something about saying to these places, your little. Your little system, okay, Rocket Money is my goalie and we're blocking your shots.

[B]

The way you squeeze it through. Yeah, like, I signed up, I told the playoffs last year for afl. I signed up on my TV for AFL playoffs, and I watched him, and then I wanted to end it, but I couldn't do it on the tv. And then I went to do it and I forgot about it because I got distracted. And all of a sudden Rocket Money's like, hey, man, Bill coming up again. I was like, damn.

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Sometimes it's just a checked box. One little thing where it's like, keep it going forever.

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[B]

Judge rules. Husband off street, separate wife article. Yeah. We're not a different one now.

[A]

This is another. Judges are just. Just peeling marriages apart. Like, I'll tell you what, are they

[C]

all from the 1922?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Paper.

[C]

Yeah, same paper.

[A]

All 1922. Yeah. It's a big thing. People hate each other.

[B]

People do.

[C]

You know, there was a lot of news to report on that was. I don't know, no alcohol. It's all just divorces and chicken.

[A]

Yeah, Right, right, right. That's probably why a lot of these marriages are ending. They're like, look, this was a gin based love.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

This was a gin based love.

[C]

That's also how my parents met.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, and a gin.

[C]

Gin based love.

[A]

Gin based love is my favorite Queens of the Stone Age album.

[B]

Judge rules husband. Off street where wife lives. Edmund Ryan.

[A]

What you got to be a real piece of for a judge to be like, you need to move streets.

[C]

I mean, there was only three of them at the time.

[A]

Yeah. This is before restraining orders. You go to another avenue. You understand me? You're cul de sac material.

[B]

This is not a great street for me. Edmund Ryan of Orawam Pum Street.

[A]

Orawam Pum Pum. Yeah.

[B]

White Plains, who was found guilty of disorderly conduct and intoxication on complaint of his wife. Yeah, yeah. She's like, this loser was told by Judge Holden of the White Plains court yesterday that he must not put his foot on Grand street, where Ms. Ryan lives at number 37 for a year.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

They're still married, though.

[C]

I mean, I think he has hope for the relationship. It's like, sit this one out for a year.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

See how you feel when you step on 37th, 12 months from today.

[A]

Avoid the road. That's the. That's the one year complication. And then if this is prohibition, then he's probably.

[B]

It's not.

[A]

It's not. Okay, so you're still allowed to get drunk.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's a hell of a run.

[B]

Ryan was also placed on probation for a year and was ordered to pay his wife 65 a week for the support of herself and their three kids.

[A]

Good amount of dosh back then.

[B]

What'd you say?

[A]

It's a good amount of dash cap. It's not. It's a bit of greenback in it.

[B]

Have you ever heard the term dosh?

[C]

Is. Is that like a cryptocurrency?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's. It's a big one. It crashed yesterday.

[B]

Did you just make up dosh?

[A]

Nah, mate. Dosh is thing.

[B]

It's an English thing.

[A]

Yeah, it got a budget. Dosh. You got fucking like.

[B]

Not a word. It's like an.

[A]

Nah, it's a word. Dosh. Dush, dosh.

[C]

That's why it's crashed.

[A]

Dosh. That's what it's crashed.

[B]

Like a hobbit word.

[A]

It's not a hobbit word. Nah, Peakies got caps, razors in them, dashing it up. Yeah. Bit of fanny dad at Tammy's. All you doing off.

[B]

It's like you're running down a hill.

[A]

Yeah, it's not good. Someone stopped me frat out of spikes.

[B]

He will be allowed to see children, but not, by the way, if you're

[A]

a judge, that's a really weird caveat. You'll be allowed to see children, just not.

[C]

But you can't by his children or just children in general?

[A]

I'm hoping him. Okay. But he can't step on the street.

[B]

But he can't. He's not allowed to see them on.

[A]

How are you? Hey, it's your dad. Your dad's coming to visit. How are you? Hey, come over to this road.

[C]

We can play catch. But I can't get the ball for you. I can't walk over.

[A]

I can't go get it there. Tom, go grab it.

[C]

I'll play catch with you from 38th street to 37th street, but don't make me go there.

[A]

How's the rest of the road?

[B]

It's changed so much, dad.

[A]

Wow. You know, dad met a weird judge.

[B]

Because he is on probation, Ryan will have to visit the police station once in a while. And the station kind of like weird.

[A]

Like you're going to be referred to as an every now and then.

[B]

And the station is on Grand Street.

[A]

Well, this is.

[B]

This is very hard.

[A]

So you're gonna need to come to the station. It's on the road. You can't go on.

[B]

Back door.

[C]

So I like the sentence of. Well, you know, whenever you feel like

[A]

it, whatever you feel like it.

[C]

Occasionally visit the police station for your probation.

[A]

Time to time, we're gonna need you to swing by.

[B]

That's what happens when you get a divorce.

[A]

All right. Do you feel shame and you have to visit us on the street? You can't go on. You like riddles.

[B]

To get there, Ryan will have to climb a fence in the backyard and go in by the back door.

[A]

Fucking crazy.

[B]

And if he should want to visit the public library, also on Grand Street. Natalia was right. There's three streets.

[A]

There are? Yeah. He's like, your honor, grand is a really hopping Street.

[B]

It's the whole town.

[A]

It's like the only road.

[B]

He will have to climb another fence and get in by his side door. Ryan has been separated.

[A]

We're gonna do the floor. Is lava the city for you. Do you.

[B]

Ryan has been separated from his wife and was arrested on Thanksgiving afternoon while making his customary visit to his children.

[A]

Controversial take. You should not be allowed to get arrested on Thanksgiving for being drunk. Okay. It's a big day. There's a lot going on.

[C]

That's what America was founded on.

[A]

Yeah. That is our day to pretend that we are a play that 6 year olds put on. And as a white, I feel that I should be allowed to drink and watch football day. And if I get a little lippy and shouty and I scare my kids. Hey. Okay, let me know if you're not

[C]

drunkenly shouting at your kids on Thanksgiving, then, like, what do you have to be thankful for?

[A]

Yeah, that's the whole point. Yeah, the whole point is to shout, yell, lies at them about the holiday.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

They gave it to us. That's it.

[B]

That's it.

[A]

Yeah. They gave us this land.

[B]

That's the whole as.

[A]

I'm going to bed.

[C]

Here's Macy's parade. A big banner that says, they gave it to us.

[A]

I'm there. They gave us the land. And coming in the end of the parade, Gareth Reynolds is shitfaced, saying, lies. Let's have it. We gave him a big dinner. Well, say what? They brought maize. We brought a big fat turkey bird. I'm not even on the parade route anymore. They gave it to us.

[C]

You're just stumbling down Grant Street.

[A]

It's December 8th, so you're not allowed to be here. They let us have it. I bet if you went back in time, they'd say they stand by it.

[B]

Five freed in liquor death.

[A]

Dave's singing Partridge in a pear tree. 5.

[C]

What was it?

[B]

5 freed in liquor death.

[A]

Beautiful.

[C]

4 drunken Macy's parades. 3 kids I can't see 2 streets in New York.

[A]

And a man with a deli meat coat.

[B]

Five men charged with homicide following the death from acute alcoholism on Tuesday of Ms. Jeannie Mazachak.

[A]

It's a dark. This is dark.

[B]

We're getting into.

[A]

This is. Yes, yes. We did an episode on the. This guy who they all. They tried to kill through alcohol. There was an Irishman who was unkillable through booze, so they ended up gassing him to death. But that is after nine. Wrong tack. They fed him shrapnel and he ate like the guy was the guy was RoboCop. Yeah, but. But also when it's a few men, alcohol, women, right? Is that what's going on?

[B]

RoboCop died.

[A]

RoboCop did not. RoboCop, first of all.

[B]

Then they put him in the. In the robot.

[A]

But yeah, the cop he used to be died. Then he became RoboCop.

[B]

So you're.

[A]

RoboCop didn't die. You already know you're on the wrong side of this argument if. Dave, I love you. You know that right now you should be backing down at all. RoboCop did not die. He's the not dying guy. The guy who he was before.

[C]

I think. I think it's a Schrodinger's cat thing where robocop is both dead and alive.

[A]

No. No to that too. No. So.

[B]

So we're yesterday discharged by magistrate Frederick B. House in homicide court on analysis. The whiskey Ms. Mazachu drank was found to have been made of pure grain alcohol.

[A]

So we're not in prohibition and we are giving. I mean, that is moonshine.

[B]

What? Why? But why were they released?

[A]

Well, they are guys. Men will be men.

[C]

Maybe this is why prohibitions happened.

[A]

It seems like so far there's a

[B]

pretty solid case because the whole thing is they were. Five guys were charged with homicide from the. The death of acute alcoholism. Oh, they're saying that it was from alcoholism. It was from a one time binge of grain alcohol if.

[A]

Listen, I'm going to be honest. Five guys, her, and she dies from alcohol poisoning.

[B]

They killed her.

[A]

It's very shady.

[B]

They 100 killed her.

[A]

Very shady.

[B]

But they got out. They got away with it.

[A]

It's a good country.

[B]

All right. Comedy by convicts draws large crowd. Oh, this is more your speed, right?

[C]

This where your show originated from?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah. This is actually the original title of this show.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Convict comedy. We needed to find a more empathetic way to frame making fun of prisoners.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So we started the dollop.

[B]

That's right. More than a thousand outside theatergoers crowded into the auditorium of Sing Sing Prison last Thursday to see Honey Girl, a musical comedy whose cast is made up of convicts.

[C]

Well, they name the prison the Sing Sing Prison. What do they expect but to break out a musical song?

[A]

We have no choice but to make this a musical prison. What?

[C]

Shows story behind bars.

[A]

Yeah, but then they're like, we'll be doing Honeysuckle. The play, the musical. What's it called?

[B]

Honey Girl.

[A]

Honey Girl. Wait, I don't want to be Honey Girl.

[B]

You're Honey Girl.

[A]

All right, now I know everybody Wants to be Honey Girl. But we're gonna go through an audition process as we would normally would.

[C]

The biggest, easiest prison boss guy comes up, he's like, I'm Honey Girl.

[A]

You're our Honey Girl.

[C]

Voice of an angel.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. It just shows up. I don't know if I could sing. Well, just try, would you? Hi, my little lady. Oh, my God. That's our Honey Girl.

[B]

The show closes tonight, but will not

[A]

go on tour because we have to execute our lead.

[B]

Well, they're all in prison, so it's hard to tour.

[A]

We can't really tour. You see the. You see the precarity. I don't.

[B]

It's a great show.

[A]

Well, all right. God damn it. Our Honey Girl escaped.

[C]

If you want to stick around for the sequel, you're gonna have to commit a petty crime to get back in the prison gang.

[A]

Unfortunately, he got Honey Girl got paroled. I'm not reformed. Keep me in a little longer. The show's just starting to find itself. You have to get out, Brutus.

[B]

The prison hall was so crowded for Wednesday night's performance that it was necessary to issue return checks to 300 who wanted to see the presentation, and they contributed to last night's jam.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

As the patrons leave the hall after the fall of the curtain, a line of guards who know all the prisoners by sight keep a keen lookout to prevent any escape.

[A]

Wow. I mean, it would be. You would be salivating to escape.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

This should happen more. Things like this should happen more. I like this.

[C]

This is what the longest yard should have been.

[A]

Yes. Agreed. Yes.

[B]

A play.

[A]

There's. There's more of this. I mean, I be great.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

This is the prison reform I wish to see.

[A]

Yes. That's what I mean. That's what I mean. Yeah.

[B]

You're saying we force all prisoners to be in place?

[A]

I don't love force, but I'll say yes. Yes is the answer. If you need a one word answer right now. Yes.

[C]

It's either making license plates for 50 cents on the hour or west side Story.

[A]

Would you rather telemarket, or shall we do noises off? Look, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof has been a hell of a production. That's all I got.

[B]

That's it. Shock. Said it by smoking.

[A]

What?

[C]

What?

[B]

Senator elect Wheeler of Montana caused a mild sensation today when he took a seat on the Democratic side in the Senate chamber and smoked a cigar while the Senate was in session.

[A]

That is. I pine. Pine for the time when that was in the paper. I mean, this is the first political article of this paper, by the way. Yeah. Some guy, some Republican, goes over there and smokes a cigar on the other side, like, you rat.

[C]

I mean, this is what they could get away with before C Span was televising everything.

[A]

Yeah, that's true, too.

[B]

You saw that Trump called C Span the other day, right?

[A]

That wasn't him, though.

[B]

It wasn't?

[A]

No, it was some guy homaging.

[C]

It was John Barron. Very different person.

[A]

Yeah, I wish it was Trump. It was that guy. But that guy was.

[B]

Trump used to do that.

[A]

I know. Yeah, he did. Yo, that's the best. And we've learned Trump is a liar, obviously, in 800 different ways at this point. It's like amazing that it's. He's getting applause breaks during a State of the Union speech at this point. But, man, him calling to be like, he's a. Apparently he's quite a big playboy. And he was out with Madonna, who is a huge fan of his, and all the women want to be with him and all the men want to be him. You know, like eight years later, they're like a voice archivist. Matched it completely. He's like, that's not me. I would never do that. Although I did hear that Madonna was a really big fan of me back then. He was a playboy and everybody wanted to be with me, but I would never do that.

[B]

Unaware that he was transgressing one of the sacred and vital. Inviolate. Inviolate rules of the body, he puffed away, oblivious of the embarrassment of Senator Ladd of North Dakota, who was in the chair, and of the senators on the floor. So he smoked. This story is that he's smoking a scar and everyone's like, that's rude. Yeah, that's the story.

[A]

Way better.

[B]

The meat. The guy with the. Now you know why they led with meat, Jack.

[A]

Meat coat.

[B]

Meat coat is. Was the lead story in this paper.

[A]

By the way, I love a rom com with a meat coat the best.

[C]

I mean, that's. That's what Hallmark is missing is, you know, a real classic Christmas meat coat story.

[A]

Oh, yeah, Holiday deli. She walked in to get some cold cuts. They had a real meat truck turn

[C]

his deli into a parking lot. And he's like, wait, you don't understand the magic of Christmas deli meats.

[A]

She bumps into him when he's got all the meats in his coat and it drops out. And then she helps him pick him up, and then they make eye contact and it's a real meat coat. Meat. Cute.

[C]

And then she's like, I've decided to stop being a vegetarian. You've shown me the true meaning of Christmas.

[A]

A meaning? Yeah. And then he's like, I don't have enough ham for the both of us.

[C]

Full rotisserie chicken from her purse.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, my God.

[B]

Chicken for your thoughts.

[A]

Chicken for your thoughts.

[C]

That's the name.

[A]

Chicken for your thoughts.

[C]

Coming soon to the Hallmark Channel.

[A]

And then like Wednesday, like, we're actually not going to show this. Chicken for your thoughts is not going to be tomorrow anymore.

[B]

He smoked for more than half an hour, the puffs becoming more frequent until the smoke rolled up in clouds. Senator Ladd could stand it no longer. He instructed a page to inform Mr. Wheeler he was not allowed to smoke in the center.

[A]

Tell that human train enough.

[B]

Mr. Wheeler left the chamber to finish his smoke in the cloak room. I'll be going into a closet with my friend.

[A]

Yeah, it's really like, I'm having trouble breathing in this smoke filled.

[B]

Boy. We've really come a long way from when they had spittoons all over the. All over Congress.

[A]

Those were the days.

[C]

I mean, I think they should bring it back, you know, Cigarettes, welcome. Vape, cigarettes, cigars, all that just.

[A]

I agree.

[C]

Welcome. No vaping.

[A]

It doesn't matter. You know, in a way, I think you're so right, because this. This sort of posturing, like there is this institution that deserves our respect at this point, the. I would say the most. Like the day that the guy who dressed like an elk went in and someone took a shit in one of the desks is. Was what I was like. Yeah. This is basically what it is at this point. Yeah. The idea that it's like John Fetterman wore sweatpants.

[B]

I couldn't believe how upset people at that. It's like it's just gives a shit. A building.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, Trump puts on orange makeup every day.

[B]

Congress is. The people like the building. They can go out of your fucking law.

[A]

No, you should be. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. You should show up with a meat coat.

[B]

Ms. Wilson. Sorry. Mrs. Wilson says her husband obeys orders.

[A]

This guy was like, don't print this article.

[B]

Why don't you cut my balls off, Mr. Editor.

[A]

Oh, cool. That's going to be fun for the guys.

[C]

Breaking news. My husband listens to me.

[A]

Yeah. This just in. A man listened. We call him slave

[B]

miss Mrs. Woodrow Wilson was the guest of.

[A]

Oh, interesting. So it's Woodrow. Well, this is weird.

[C]

This all makes sense now.

[A]

The president listens to me, was like, hell, I do. I'm a Real piece of.

[B]

Was the guest of Women Democrats of Maryland who gathered today to celebrate the recent Democratic victory. She said the former president is much better than he has been at any time since his recent illness. He had syphilis.

[A]

You get a man sick and they listen. He didn't have syphilis. No, that'd be God for the president to have syphilis. I mean, the president does have syphilis. Right now.

[B]

Mr. Wilson shouted, Is the most wonderful patient imaginable. He also has the greatest store of patience, which it is possible to have. And he does exactly what he is told.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

What a great story.

[A]

It is an awesome story.

[B]

One of the greatest assets is his willingness to obey orders. He does exactly what his doctor tells him to do and cooperates with him in every way imaginable so that we all are delighted with the results.

[A]

We're gonna need to put a little more iodine in your husband's cocaine before we put it up his ass.

[B]

Okay, There we go.

[A]

That'll be nice.

[C]

Very agreeable. This is what made him so good at treaties.

[A]

Yeah, that's true. Yeah.

[C]

He was like, whatever. I agree to it.

[B]

Yes, that sounds good. You can have Germany.

[A]

Yeah. I'm learning to listen in therapy with my wife. You may have all of those places.

[C]

My wife told me Germany has to pay for everything. So can we all sign along the dotted line?

[A]

Okay. Okay. We'll give up our military bases. My wife's having sex with me again. Okay, that sounds good.

[B]

Savages. Kind hosts.

[A]

Oh, this will be racist.

[B]

With just one port, New York, to reach the yacht, Speed Jacks arrived here today, almost completing a trip of more than 40, 000 miles around the world.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

That's a lot.

[A]

Yeah, but. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Yeah.

[B]

Okay. You went across some ocean.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, nobody cares anymore. It's 1922. Was it even on TikTok Aw Gowan, owner of the yacht. His wife and 10 other persons are on board.

[A]

So great. His wife and 10 others.

[B]

The speed jacks is 98ft long and weighs 64 tons. It's always important to know how much a boat weighs.

[A]

Yeah, it is.

[B]

She is the only craft of her length that ever made a voyage around the world.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Yeah. Titanic only got halfway.

[A]

They're not dead yet.

[B]

What?

[A]

Let's see where this Titanic story goes. I still like their chances. Well, they've hit a big bump. There's no doubt they've hit a bump. Well, but let's just see if they make it or not. But, you know, the important Moral of

[C]

the story is that they find the necklace that the old lady threw in the sea and that's what it's all about.

[A]

But there's still a chance they'll make it, no? Yeah, of course there is. What? Yeah.

[B]

You're agreeing with him?

[A]

Yes, she is. Because she recognizes a Cinderella story when she hears it. Have you ever heard of a comeback? Let me guess. You're the guy who shuts the super bowl off in the third quarter and says, I don't know why I bother with this big game. Well, Jack, sometimes a captain digs deep and figures it out.

[B]

You're basically saying, yes, I am.

[A]

I don't even remember what you said. Yes. It ends, yes.

[B]

And then, like three years, super bowl

[A]

is an over over when there's zeros on the clock in the fourth quarter. Yes.

[C]

Not.

[A]

You're not counting them out yet. There's.

[C]

What are you saying is a Super bowl is essentially like a boat crash. I mean it.

[A]

These things. We still don't know who won the last presidential election. Nothing is done. You don't ever count anything out.

[B]

Do know the. The child rapist one.

[A]

The titan first. Jesus Christ. Well, great. Now we're demonetized. We got all the way. What are we, 55? We almost did. They finished the episode and then. You have to jump in with that.

[B]

When Mr. Gowan stepped ashore here today, his first words were, we have seen all the world, but we have not seen anything that is as pretty as the shore of the United States.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Who? Who kisses ass? No fears of savages. Or her impressions of the savage people in the Solomon Islands where are said to dwell. The fiercest headhunters in the world have nothing to fear of horror connected with them. As a matter of fact, she believes these savages could teach their white mentors a great deal.

[A]

It's so it. It's like the sweet racism. These idiot savages could maybe help us.

[C]

Maybe, just maybe, we have something to learn from these morons.

[A]

Now, look, I'll agree they're unrefined morons, but maybe there's some simple minds could help us.

[B]

The party got many motion pictures of them and the savages were pleased to pose.

[A]

Awful.

[B]

Very nice.

[A]

It's like Disneyland. But they're real.

[B]

They visited the Hermit and Admiralty Islands and the others of that group, which lie to the north of New Guinea. The gasoline supply went low and they found themselves in Humboldt Bay with a threatened shortage of fuel. Providence somehow seemed to keep a hand on us, Mr. Gowan said, because we managed to get to Ambro and Amboyna. With only half. With only a cup full of gasoline left. The seas were smiling all the way, else we likely would have been stranded there and forced to call for help.

[A]

Well, well, well,

[B]

well, who gives a.

[A]

Well, who gives a sh.

[C]

At least they didn't have to call for help. That would just be shameful. You know, the savages and all. All of that. That's. That's backstory. The real moral of the story is don't call for help.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

No, it's true. And. And I think. And I think we all have also learned a little bit of a lesson about the Titanic. That it is. It's not over yet. It's over, and there's a chance that it could happen. It's.

[C]

You know what? I'm. I'm with you. I. I'm a Titanic believer.

[A]

Same thing.

[C]

The Titanic is still floating around and only those who believe can see it.

[B]

Boat has been filmed on the bottom of the ocean.

[A]

Nobody. Nobody. Nobody is. That was.

[C]

Those were. Those were planted there by. By. By. By France.

[B]

On the grave of James Cameron.

[A]

Dear departed.

[B]

Jimmy.

[A]

Dave. He's alive first.

[B]

No, he is not. Everybody associated with that ship is dead

[A]

just because of the Titanic. Just.

[C]

Molly Brown is still the running president of Denver.

[B]

Everybody. DiCaprio dead. The lady who started it, whose name I don't.

[A]

Winslet.

[B]

Winslow.

[A]

Jed Winslet.

[B]

Whatever, Winslow.

[A]

It's not Family Matters, you idiot.

[C]

Winslow did replace Winslet in the final season.

[A]

Paint me, will you, Jack? Did I do. Wait, what is this? Natalia, thank you for being here. Thank you for joining us. We encourage people to go check out. You're a fantastic guest. We appreciate you being here.

[B]

Look at our circus work.

[A]

Look at your circus work. Look at your clowns. I do fire.

[C]

I do Ariel. I do hula hoops and children's birthday parties and funerals, so.

[A]

Oh, you've done a funeral.

[B]

There's really good circus stuff going on at funeral.

[C]

You know, a funeral is the perfect time to hire a fire spinner. You know, you get to hire.

[A]

The only way I want to be cremated is slowly by a fire spinner. I want the slow fire spinner spinning ashened. Thank you, Natalia. We love you. Thank you, guys.

[C]

Thanks for having me aboard.