175 - The Past Times with B.K. Sharad

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dollop - Episode 175: The Past Times with B.K. Sharad

Date: May 23, 2026
Hosts: Dave Anthony & Gareth Reynolds
Guest: B.K. Sharad
Theme: Exploring Absurd Historical News from April 22, 1884 (Trenton, NJ)

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Episode Overview

In this episode of The Past Times (a spinoff of The Dollop), comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds are joined by fellow comic B.K. Sharad. True to the show's formula, Dave picks a random historical newspaper—this time The Trenton Times from 1884—and the group riffs through its articles, marveling at the strangeness, darkness, and unexpected hilarity of old American news.

Main Theme:

• The absurdity of American life as documented in a day’s worth of 19th-century small-town reporting, with a recurring vein of black comedy around animal intelligence, elopements, child abandonment, criminal “idiots,” and the ever-present specter of "Mr. Hands."

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Key Segments & Highlights

1. “Guess the Year” & B.K. Sharad Intro

[00:16‒02:49]

• Dave quizzes Gareth & B.K. to guess the year of the newspaper (it’s 1884; B.K. wins).
• B.K. promotes his comedy projects, especially on "Insane Brown Posse" on Instagram and YouTube.
• Banter about outrageous podcast guests and Drew Carey’s absence from the show.

Quote [02:44, B.K.]: “I’m gonna say 1833.”
Quote [02:49, Gareth]: “Oh, BK wins. It’s 1884.”

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2. Teaching Elephants to Play Instruments & Animal Intelligence

[06:01‒15:16]

• The group reads an article about Adam Forepaugh Jr. teaching elephants to play musical instruments, speculating that elephants might someday talk.
• Comic riffing on the "talking animal" trope, leading to the topic of “Mr. Hands” and the dangers of animal/human communication.
• Lively discussion of the long tradition of imagining beasts capable of speech and the weird human desire to anthropomorphize animals.

Quote [07:13, Dave]: “Nope.”
Quote [07:27, Dave]: “You could probably get someone outside a Trump rally to be like, ‘Yeah, elephants, they’ll talk to men.’”
Quote [07:39, B.K.]: “Yeah, it’s very monkey with a typewriter.”

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3. Child Abandonment & Elopements

[16:31‒19:50]

• Analysis of a report about a husband and wife who both abandon their spouses and children to elope together.
• Leads to comedic musing about child drop-off policies, “goodbye slides” at playgrounds, firehouse baby drop-offs, and “equal opportunity abandonment.”
• “All children left behind”—the trio makes a running joke out of inclusive child abandonment.

Quote [17:28, B.K.]: “What about fire stations? That was popular at one point.” Quote [18:19, Dave]: “You should be able to abandon girls or non-binary children.”

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4. 19th-Century Public Executions and Child "Games"

[34:41–38:47]

• Discussion of boys in Trenton “playing” by staging hangings and executions, inspired by local real-life events.
• Dark humor about processing trauma through pretend play; bleak context for childhood in the 1880s.

Quote [37:01, Gareth]: “One lad was selected to act as Dill, another the hangman and the rest were to be spectators.” Quote [37:44, Dave]: “Several minutes later the boy was able to go home. Oh my God, what a fun game.”

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5. Disappearing Fathers & Inheritance

[40:20–44:55]

• Story of a man who disappears, starts a new family, and upon death leaves $5 to his daughter by his first wife.
• The comics discuss ghosting before it was called ghosting, and the legal complications of 19th-century inheritance.

Quote [41:00, Dave]: “I get it. One for him.” Quote [42:14, Gareth]: “He just went to another town and started over.” Quote [42:39, B.K.]: “My dad loves me more than that guy in that story, dude.”

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6. Bearded Men of Prohibition

[47:50–52:22]

• Article about a prohibition convention describes the participants almost entirely by their beards and facial hair, leading to a cascade of beard jokes.
• Observations about the pious, “full-beard” look, and odd period reporting even within serious reform movements.

Quote [49:06, Dave]: “Full beards with a rule.” Quote [50:18, Gareth]: “Temperance hall would be a great name for a bar.”

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7. Petty Crime & Absent-Minded Clergy

[54:32–56:48]

• Article about a reverend repeatedly arrested for stealing books, using absent-mindedness as a defense.
• Jokes about what counts as a “peculiarity” for clergy and the relative harmlessness of such crimes compared to modern headlines.

Quote [55:23, Gareth]: “I forgot. I didn’t know what I was doing with all these books.”

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8. Dark True Crime: Murder-Suicide & Unsolved Mysteries

[57:03–62:15]

• The darkest news: a report of a murder-suicide, described with cold dispassion by the period paper, causing the hosts to note the article’s abruptness.
• Discussion of a mysterious death in New Orleans: a midwife collapses and is then discovered to have a bullet in her brain, prompting speculation about period forensics and “hoot-nannies.”

Quote [57:17, B.K.]: “That should have been a headline over most of these other stories.” Quote [62:15, Dave]: “Should we do an autopsy? Yeah, whatever. There’s a bullet in the back of her head.”

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9. "Mr. Hands" & Episode-Long Callback

Recurring, ~[09:44, 15:16, 40:01, etc.]

• “Mr. Hands”—infamous for an animal-related incident—becomes a recurring, escalating running gag/through-line, emblematic of the show’s willingness to go very dark for laughs. Many historical oddities are tied back to this bit, especially stories involving animals and deviance.

Quote [15:59, Dave]: “I’m thinking about changing my name to Mr. Hole.”

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10. Show Closer: The Veterans' Variety Show

[62:47–66:52]

• Recap of the night’s entertainment at a Union veterans’ association: recitations, harmonica lessons, a one-legged dancer, and the “infant banjoist.”
• The comedians riff on the unlikely (and underwhelming) variety lineup, ending on the “Goddess of Liberty” tableau.

Quote [64:13, Dave]: “The Fisherman. The man for the fish.”

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Notable Quotes by Timestamp

• [04:00, Dave]: “They say that Trenton is the India of Jersey. I’ve read that a ton of times.”
• [08:33, Dave]: “Can we just say what a nightmare life would be if bees could talk?”
• [13:09, Gareth]: “That just means you should have been doubly murdered.” (On being ginger-Irish.)
• [18:01, Dave]: “You could abandon a girl too. Way to level that playing field.”
• [31:18, Gareth]: “He’s saying he was starved, but they’re like, ‘We gave him cake.’”
• [35:59, Dave]: “Man. Kids used to really know how to play.”
• [43:18, Dave]: “He had once buried them in the plants outside ... they’re worth about $10.”
• [55:23, Gareth]: “I forgot. I didn’t know what I was doing with all these books.”
• [64:13, Dave]: “The Fisherman. The Fisherman. The Fisherman. The man for the fish.”
• [67:55, C]: “It was very nice to hold your Mr. Hands.”

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Tone, Style, & Takeaways

Language & Tone: Casual, irreverent, honest, and highly improvisational. The episode is rife with black humor, improvised bits, callbacks (especially “Mr. Hands”), and pointed commentary about American history’s social failings.

Atmosphere:

• The core feeling is one of shared disbelief at the eccentricity—and frequent misery—of 1880s headlines, glibly reframed for modern comedic sensibilities.
• Both the period’s attitudes and the podcast’s jokes range from the delightfully absurd to the truly dark.

If You Missed It:
This episode of The Past Times is a showcase of how small-town American newspapers documented everything from petty crime to deadly violence with the same casual air—and how much (or how little) sensibilities have changed. The trio transform bleak facts into comedy gold, making even the darkest headlines grist for the podcast’s relentless, ridiculous humor.

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(Summary skips detailed ad reads and sponsor messages.)

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

We're here day or night, ready whenever you need help. Because a great trip starts with the right support.

[A]

Welcome to the Pastimes. It's a podcast. Someone's finally doing it. You know, we do here each week we go through a newspaper from a random date in history picked out by none other than Dave Anthony. I, Gareth Reynolds, have never seen it, and neither has this week's guest, the great B.K. sherrod. BK, hello to you.

[C]

Thanks for having me, man. I'm so stoked.

[A]

Thank you for being here. Now you have an album coming out, you have a new YouTube show. Where can people go find all of your stuff and consume the shit out of it?

[C]

Instagram and YouTube, both. Insane brown Posse. And yeah, I got his new show. Or he played. I play catch with comics and just talk. It's called catching up. That's fun.

[A]

Yeah, that's pretty good. Now, are you. What is it? Football, softball, Frisbee, anything?

[C]

Right now it's baseball gloves. And I think I want to change it, like each season, you know, like, maybe I'll get like a whistling vortex football, you know?

[A]

Love those. Those were fun.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yep. May I also suggest maybe some lacrosse, little highlight.

[B]

You can also catch, like vd.

[A]

That's a different pitch, I think.

[B]

I don't know. It's still in the catch arena. Sure.

[A]

I think we're getting further away from it. I don't want to, but anyway, Insane Brown Posse people can go check out your stuff. Well, thank you for joining us. You know what we do here? We're going to go through a newspaper. There's a chance that Preston will have made this pick. Either your birthday or your home city. So that might be coming. But before we do it, do you want to guess the year you think this newspaper was picked from? There's no prize.

[C]

I don't know if Preston knows the year I was born, but it's 1991,

[A]

so that's what I would probably not gonna be. It's probably gonna be an older year because 1991, America was perfect. So probably the worst years.

[C]

I didn't know how far back you could go. Okay.

[A]

We went 16 once. So did Russell Brand, by the way, but so did Chris Delia, some of the greats. I don't know what it is about the greats, but yes. Yeah, the list is awesomely endless, but go ahead, have it. Have a stab. BK.

[C]

I'm gonna say 1833.

[A]

That's a good guess. I'll say. I'll say 1912.

[B]

Oh, BK wins. It's 1884.

[A]

Okay, rules. Yeah, whatever. Rules.

[B]

I said right before I said Price is Right Rules. That Tuesday.

[A]

I bet you haven't. When was the last time you watched the Prices? Right. Your buddy host last week. I watch it regularly, honestly.

[C]

Me too. Yeah.

[A]

Drew Carey is a phenomenal priceless rice. Right.

[B]

Host Dave, since he is my friend. I do watch it sometimes.

[A]

Dave won't. Dave won't invite Drew on the show for some reason. Bk, just so you know, Drew Carey, you had an amazing. He would love it. He would have a great time.

[B]

He doesn't want to come on the show with you is the problem.

[A]

Then I'll step back. I love him that much, and I will remove myself from the episode.

[B]

It is Tuesday afternoon on April 22, 1884. The Trenton Times.

[A]

Trenton.

[B]

Trenton, New Jersey.

[A]

You from there?

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

Preston Newhouse from New Jersey. Yeah. I didn't know you knew that.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Everybody knows you're from New Jersey. Everybody knows.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

That's great, because Indian people are from there.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

No, yeah.

[A]

They say that Trenton is the India of Jersey. I've read that a ton of times. Beautiful.

[B]

They say that?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, I've said it a bunch. I actually got run out of town for saying it. People found it to be a racist, and I was like, no, it's an accurate fact. It's crazy.

[B]

What is getting. You getting run out of town look like.

[A]

Oh, with pitchforks. Torches. Women are. Women are just going, no, you don't.

[B]

He.

[A]

You don't know him like we do.

[B]

So you were running out of town like it was the 1830s.

[A]

I'm running down. I got like a frying pan over my. And you could see my butt. And I'm running out because I was having my way with all the women.

[B]

So you're a rapist.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's all very consensual. They raped me.

[B]

You're like a running away crystal.

[A]

No, no, no. Right.

[B]

You're back. Brian Callaning is what they call it.

[A]

Some of those guys are good friends.

[C]

Before we start fully. Is that Steven Seagal behind you guys?

[B]

It is, yeah.

[A]

We did our fattest president.

[B]

We did a 3.3parter. We did 3parter on Seagal and wow. It's. He's really.

[A]

He's a good guy.

[B]

Really insane.

[A]

He's a good guy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He's the kind of guy that Vladimir Putin goes, you need total X. Yeah. I didn't know you guys had the

[C]

Asian connection like that, you know.

[A]

Oh, yeah, we're big. Oh, yeah. One of our greatest. Japanese.

[B]

Japanese Hawaiian, Russian fighter of all time.

[A]

Yeah. No, very few people have been every nationality. Well, they. Steven Seagal is like, if Jason Bourne dropped his briefcase, he's that many cultures.

[C]

He's like, D pits,

[A]

by the way. You know, that made me think, how soon? How long until Jeff D. Does puppets. That's my question.

[B]

Oh, a musical band of elephants.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Definitely torture. It's going to be a nice, I think, Venn diagram of Indian American. Yeah.

[B]

There's literally never been a story where it wasn't like, at an elephant killed a villager and it went, yeah, what'd they do?

[A]

America should not be allowed to have elephants in any capacity. That happens when you drive sometimes and you'll just be like. They'll be like, kansas City safari. And you'll see a giraffe and you'll be like, ah, this place should be shut down. I don't need to see any more details. This giraffe should not be in Missouri.

[B]

The fact that Mr. Adam Forepaugh Jr. Has Adam Forepaugh for paw. Has succeeded. Oh, yeah. Has succeeded in teaching elephants to play upon musical instruments renders it not improbable that a higher development of animal education will ere long be attained and that the elephant will yet be educated to converse with man.

[A]

Nope.

[B]

So that's a no. That's. That. That's a really good conclusion to come to. Like, if you see an elephant with a flute going, you're like, that. That thing's gonna talk and do math someday.

[A]

You could probably get someone on record outside of a Trump rally to be like, elephant. I mean, when he says elephants will be talking to men, like, I don't think he literally means it, but they'll be able to say some words.

[C]

Yeah, it's very monkey with a typewriter. You know, it's like if you give an elephant an instrument, eventually they'll talk to people.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

I like that. That comes through instruments. Yeah. No, that. That. That scientific theory that's been disproved a thousand times. Like, look, eventually this gonna write Shakespeare. People are like, that's a scientist.

[B]

Yeah. In reality, I just saw a picture of an elephant hiding behind a telephone pole.

[A]

Yeah. In reality. In reality. Yeah. Right.

[B]

So they're not there yet.

[A]

No. Well, he's feared. Yeah. That's good.

[B]

From the earliest times, the speaking of birds and beasts has been the subject

[A]

of fable and beasts.

[B]

Birds and beasts.

[A]

Beasts. Okay.

[C]

I thought it was Bird and bees.

[A]

That's what I thought. So for a long time, we've been fabilizing the ability for animals to talk, and now it's time to get real.

[B]

Can we just say what a nightmare life would be if bees could talk? Oh, man.

[C]

Oh, my God. There's so many of them.

[B]

There's hell on earth.

[A]

I would love it.

[B]

No, what about flies?

[A]

Flies talking would be a problem,

[D]

especially

[A]

because they throw up every time they land.

[B]

I'm surprised they haven't remade the fly.

[A]

By the way, Bert Kreischer also throws up every time.

[B]

And every lover of a dog or a horse has mourned that. Only in fable was there speech between man and the brute.

[A]

I don't love lover being used there. Yeah, definitely makes me feel like, have

[B]

you ever a dog.

[A]

We are trying to get this podcast to air as many places as possible.

[B]

I'm just saying there is a love that.

[A]

Gonna need you to stop.

[B]

You've seen the. You've seen the video Say anything. The horse, the guy. Right.

[A]

We're not very short video. No need to talk about Mr. Hands. I'm okay with that one.

[C]

Well, this elephant guy seems like he was even before Mr. Hands. He had to walk on all fours so Mr. Hands could run on all fours.

[B]

That's right.

[C]

Also.

[B]

That's right. That's right. Mr. Hands.

[A]

Mister.

[B]

Mr. Hands crawled on all fours at the end.

[A]

That's when we should have been like, we can't do the Internet.

[B]

Yeah, the Internet should have been shut

[A]

down as soon as Mr. Hands got out there. We should be like, hey, by the way, I don't think we can lid this. I think we might want to lit eventually. I don't know.

[B]

No, that was his Mr.

[C]

Hands. Is that from that incident?

[B]

It was his online nickname. How he communicated with the guy to get to the horse place. Mr. Hands, they were in like, an animal online group.

[C]

Oh, that's crazy, man. Crazy. Even those people have friends, you know?

[B]

I know. How do you find a group?

[A]

Oh, man.

[B]

When you do, you know what? That guy should always be alone, thinking he's the only one who likes to.

[A]

That's what I mean. That's when we should have unplugged the modem. Yeah, we should have been like, yeah. Where you're like, whoa, look, these are my guys. Holy. And they like pizza. Whoa. Tuesday's just got a whole lot better.

[B]

Imagine going into that group on Tuesday, though, and being like, hey, so the Mr. Hands thing didn't really work out.

[A]

Hey. Hey. Where's Jeff? Sit down. Where's Jeff? Sit down. So our dream is achievable, but there's a downside we have not thought of. Jeff's not gonna make it for a while.

[B]

In a recently published article in the London Nature, he says, it is occurred to me whether some such system as that followed with deaf mutes, especially by Dr. Howes and Laura Bridgman, might not prove very instructive if adapted to the case of dogs and elephants. So this.

[A]

What?

[B]

So this is comparing deaf people with dogs and elephants? Talking?

[A]

Man. It's just. I'm. I'm now even going a step further. This country should never have existed, period. It just was just bound to happen. There was just too much, like, fighting for freedom to the point where you're

[B]

like, yeah, well, this is.

[A]

Deaf people are elephants.

[B]

This is London. But honestly, England should have never existed, and then all the other stuff wouldn't have happened.

[A]

Yeah, it's honest. Yeah, well, now we're getting in the slippery slope where whites are a big part of the issue. So now we're. If we. We pull the thread hard enough, you and I should not be here. Let's be honest.

[B]

Especially I'm. I'm at least from Irish people. You're from English people, so you're. You're a real problem.

[A]

No, no, it's a bad. It's a genetic.

[B]

I am of the oppressed. You are a different story. White Irish people.

[A]

I love the white Irish. Huge.

[C]

Are there any other kind of Irish?

[A]

Hilarious.

[B]

No, that's it.

[A]

I'm Ginger, though. I have a whole new avenue. I can pursue a whole new road now.

[B]

That just means you should have been doubly murdered.

[A]

Okay, enough.

[B]

An infant is taught to communicate its desires in speech only after the infection. Expenditure of infinite pains and unwearying patience on the part of the mother.

[A]

Infinite pains trying to get a child to talk.

[B]

It's a fucking nightmare.

[C]

His theory is that elephants don't want to talk. Bad enough, I guess. I mean, he's like, if these idiot deaf people can do it, an elephant can do it.

[A]

You have to reset yourself in this article to remember this is a man's pitch on elephant talking.

[B]

But he's like, but now. But. But now. He's like, look, if babies learn to talk, why can't an elephant?

[C]

Lord.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It is a very slow process. And the teaching goes on during nearly the whole child's waking hours.

[A]

That's not true.

[B]

It's a nightmare. The lessons. The lessons, too, are object lessons. In the case of the deaf and dumb and blind, Jesus Christ. The most marvelous results are att trained by the patient teacher. And the remarkable results obtained by Mr. Forepaugh in teaching his elephants to play upon musical instruments leave no doubt but that still higher results are to be obtained in the education of dumb animals.

[A]

Jesus Christ. It would be great for the elephant to eventually talk and just be like you.

[B]

You guys are. Do you think I want to be in Kansas?

[A]

You are you.

[C]

It feels like this guy had his first like high school high thought, you know, he's like, man, this elephant's just like. They could probably talk.

[B]

Dude, this is 100.

[A]

This is it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Children eventually learn how to do that. Why the couldn't a dog or an elephant and then there's some guy you pass it to is like, or maybe a horse could us. Wait, what? Or maybe I don't know. While we're talking about it, like if an elephant could talk, maybe a horse could beg you.

[B]

Can elephants talk?

[C]

Academy, man. We could do it with the horse too. We could both get up.

[A]

I think I might go to the barn for a little while. Yeah,

[B]

elephants talk. Would 100 be an hour long discussion on Rogan?

[A]

It sounds like a Sandra Bullock movie. Can elephants talk? Sandra Bullock. Can elephants talk?

[B]

And then she falls in love with the elephant.

[A]

No, no. You're taking a Mr. Hands direction. And then.

[B]

And Mr.

[A]

Hands at Mr. Hands at every production meeting. And then maybe eventually we get to trunk. Mr. Hands. What's going on? Mr. Hands. Yeah, go ahead. He's just in a chair.

[B]

I'm thinking about changing my name to Mr. Hole.

[A]

Huh? What do you guys think? Where's the horse? Does anyone ever wonder that

[B]

there's no way that was the first animal that him either.

[A]

I am not willing to weigh in.

[B]

You don't go. You don't go straight to horse. No. You don't start horse. Horses where you're like, this has got to get bigger.

[A]

I don't. I'm not comfortable anymore. I want to thank our sponsor, Blue Chew.

[B]

Both left children behind.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[B]

Do you think that they died or they left them?

[A]

I think they left them.

[B]

Left him.

[A]

Yeah. People are. But I. I just. This is a better era when you could just be like, I'm out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Figure it out later.

[B]

Because let's be honest, some kids suck.

[A]

I was saying that to some. That was saying that to my buddy the other day. I was like, you got two bangers. That's great. Good for you. I would. If I knew that at 11, I would have kick ass ones. That's different.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But if you're taught if you really the dice roll. I mean you know there's got to be somewhere. You could just leave them at the mall playing like on a little jungle him.

[B]

Well there should be a drop off spot and because right now they're like you can only drop them off before like six months or whatever. But it should be like up to 17.

[A]

There should just be a slide at a playground. That's just the goodbye slide and it just keeps going into the center of the earth. You're just like there you go.

[C]

What about fire stations? That was popular at one point.

[A]

That was.

[B]

Yeah, I think it still is.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

My fire stations

[A]

people don't a lot of down time. I think maybe I don't know. Yeah, there's just like they're all raise a child.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean but then they got we like before we. They would just take a kid.

[B]

But you always need, you always need new firemen. So you can just raise that one to be a fireman.

[A]

Yeah, maybe.

[B]

Yeah. Or woman.

[A]

Wow. Way to go on your progressive, very progressive child abandonment.

[B]

You could abandon a girl too.

[A]

Way to level that playing field. What an awesome ally. Wow. I actually honest to God, I think this is my first time interacting with the woke mind virus.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

You should be able to abandon girls or non binary children. Oh wow, Dave, thank you for such an awesome guy.

[C]

All child's left behind.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

All right. Both left children behind. An elopement in high life has just come to light. The parties are Mrs. John Barr, wife of a well known and wealthy farmer and John Cameron, a man of family who for 20 years past has been a deacon in the Methodist church at Hagerstown. Cameron leaves behind a wife and two children and Ms. Bar, a husband and several little children.

[A]

But wait, they're not dead.

[B]

They just, they, they. It's a, it's a.

[A]

They took off.

[B]

They bailed on their families and they're like I like you better.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[C]

This is a different story from the elephant thing.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yes. We moved on.

[C]

Oh my God.

[A]

Yeah. No, you're like what the. The elephant has to tell the kids. No.

[B]

So we are still waiting. We're still waiting for him to how to talk. And so far it's been six years and he's not been able to tell

[A]

the kids no Mr. Hands, so. No Mr. Hands.

[C]

So that's why he was teaching to talk, to break the news.

[A]

That'd be the best.

[B]

That's why I was so confused.

[C]

I was like wait, whose children got left behind? Dad or the guy.

[A]

Dad. Dad gone. Mom. Mom gone. What? Dad. Mom gone. No hoes. No. No hoes. No hoes. Mr. Hand bad. Okay, stop saying that.

[B]

Stop saying that.

[A]

Feel good but bad.

[B]

I feel like. I feel like we shouldn't have let Mr. Hand him.

[A]

Stomach split. Stomach split. He. He died. He died. Your dad go. You're just supposed to. Your dad go. Okay. Your mom go. Mr. Hand. No. Mr. Hand felt good. Felt good. But stomach we gotta get Stomach gone. Our stomach gone.

[B]

We gotta get our elephant.

[A]

Mr. Hand. No, man.

[B]

Why did we teach this one to talk, man?

[A]

You're dead gone. Your mom gone. Mr. Head show up. No. No.

[B]

The pastimes is brought to you by Mint Mobile. Oh, Bud, babe, look, I don't know about you, but I like keep my money where I can see my money. I like having where you can see my money. Like I know where my money is.

[A]

Sure. But you know, it doesn't want you like saving money.

[B]

Well, I like to have my money in a little. I think it's strange the way digital money pile.

[A]

No.

[B]

And here's the thing. The big wireless. The big wireless boys, they like also having my money. They want.

[A]

But let me, let me, let me, let me.

[B]

No, let me after years.

[A]

Let me.

[B]

Paying too much to those guys.

[A]

Let me cut through what you're saying.

[B]

I got fed up with the big, big bills.

[A]

What Dave is saying is the. The big wireless companies are very expensive. There's no need for that. Mint Mobile offers you the same everything and it's less. And that's why we made the switch to Mint Mobile.

[B]

I don't think you made any sense.

[A]

I think I cut down and you were talking about digital piles.

[B]

What I said made a lot of sense with your digital pile. So. Yeah, so I use Mint Mobile now. It's great. It works the same as the big wireless companies, except you just pay a lot less.

[A]

You keep your phone, you keep your number.

[B]

Yeah, you take your number, keep your phone.

[A]

All that same stuff.

[B]

5G network.

[A]

Same 5G network.

[B]

The nation's biggest 5G network. Starts at plants started 15 bucks a month. That's like crazy difference.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

In. In pricing. So get rid of your. Get rid of your and your price.

[A]

Your phone is going to taste the same. And there's no point even trying to

[B]

taste a little bit of minty flavor.

[A]

Well, no, no, no. That's what I'm saying. There's no mint flavor.

[B]

No, I'm saying there is a little.

[A]

No, there isn't. We've tested that. 18. I'm not. No. I've tested the. No, that's over.

[B]

You're gonna.

[A]

No. No. I told you the last time I did it, that's the last time I do it.

[B]

You're gonna look so stupid when I when all of our listeners start saying oh my God, this is so minty fresh. I you're gonna look dumb. You're gonna look so dumb.

[A]

I invite that moment because I've tried.

[B]

You're gonna be embarrassed. So look, if you like your money Mint Mobile is for you. Shop [e-mail] pastimes that's mintmobile.com pastimes upfront payment of 45 for a 3 month 5 gigabyte.

[A]

I'm gonna lick my finger and then rub it on the phone. I'll taste my finger.

[B]

Okay. Five gigabyte plan required equivalent to 15amonth.

[A]

Yeah, that's not minty.

[B]

New customer.

[A]

I'll lick it. I'll lick the phone.

[B]

New customer offer for three months only. Then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra C Mint Mobile

[A]

for details to save it tastes like bad. It tastes bad. It always tastes bad.

[B]

That doesn't make any sense.

[A]

There's this mix. I'm not doing it again.

[B]

It doesn't make any sense to what you're saying. Gareth hun. The pastimes are also brought to you by Rocket Money.

[A]

Yeah baby.

[B]

Rocket Money is awesome. We both use is a money saver

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[A]

had I didn't even I found out I had a kid through Rocket Money.

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He had a kid through Rocket Money which he know he uninscribed to.

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Yeah.

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Recently I had the AFL which the Australian football I signed up for and I forgot about it.

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That's endless. And you really do need some someone I say but something there you do to tell you hey, you don't need this right now.

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There's too many. Yes, there's too many. You literally need it congregated in a place where you can look at and go this is what's happening. Yes. So they also will if you want they'll renegotiate your contracts with like Internet and stuff which they did for me and saved me a bunch of money. Get on board is I think, is what we're saying.

[A]

Yes. Get on board the rocket ship. Ship money.

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[A]

All right, ladies, go ahead. Rocket Money. Rocket Money. Rocket Money. Go ahead and save yourself some.

[B]

I'm so upset that you keep calling yourself ladies. I'm gonna. I'm gonna jump back into the people leaving their kids story.

[A]

Okay, good. Yeah. All right, new story.

[B]

Ms. Mrs. Bar left home on Saturday and met camera near her residence. The latter had a buggy waiting. They drove off to Hancock, Maryland, a distance of 20 miles. Cameron there.

[A]

Family.

[B]

Cameron there's.

[A]

They'll never find us, darling. We'll be two towns over.

[B]

Cameron there sold the team and the Coops took a. The coups. Whatever. Took a westbound train and have not been seen since. Both parties had borne the most unblemished reputations up to the expose. So they fell in love and they didn't.

[A]

I mean, they had kids to meet someone who's, like, also down to fully abandon their family.

[B]

Yeah, right.

[A]

Like, what a great connection point when, like, one of you pitches it. And not like, that's heartless to be. Like, that'd be awesome.

[C]

It's probably how Mr. Hands felt when he met his friends.

[A]

You know Mr. Hand bad. No. All right. Tiny, be quiet. Bad. Feel good. Feel good. But wrong. Wrong to do. Wrong to do. He shows up. Hello, Tiny. Oh, no. I'm all healed up. Mr. Hand. No, no. Mr. Hand.

[B]

That

[A]

feel good. Wrong. Feel good.

[B]

It's okay to stop this. Steward Stem.

[C]

Why are they writing about them leaving their families?

[B]

They're just random people in town. They. They would. Back then, it was a lot. Just about what was happening in the town or like, you know, town nearby.

[A]

It's better, I guess.

[C]

It's like an Instagram story back then.

[B]

Yeah, totally.

[A]

Yes. Yeah, totally.

[B]

Stuart Lawyer's story. Did he strike John Francis Cusick? But Cusick was very ornery. He did strike John Francis.

[A]

Okay, okay.

[B]

Ellie Lawyer Stewart. Oh, it's. The guy's name is Lawyer.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

What a terrible name. You got to change your name.

[A]

It's not good.

[B]

You can't have a.

[A]

You can't have 12 jobs.

[B]

It's like having your last name, doctor.

[A]

Oh, I'm Jonathan Cobbler.

[B]

Eli. Lawyer, steward of the hope.

[A]

I'm Mr. Hands Alms House.

[B]

Stop it. Whom? John Francis Kousick.

[A]

Now.

[B]

Now confined in jail on a charge of arson. Accusing. Accuses of having beaten, starved and abused him. Denies the prisoner's story.

[A]

What's the prisoner's story?

[B]

Okay, so. So John Francis Cusick is according. So I think the alms house is like the poor house. Right?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So he's accusing the guy who ran the poor house of having beaten, starved and abused him. And then the guy that's in jail who said that is in there for arson.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's really the worst sentence. It's really the worst sentence. Like, sure, he's just trying to pack all this info into one sentence, making it more confusing.

[A]

Right, Perfect.

[B]

That's breaking it down. He says, for the first six months after I took charge of the almshouse, I tried in every way possible to make it pleasant for him, but he became so abusive, calling my wife a liar, etcetera, that we had to remove him to a separate building. The idiot he refers to is not so much of an idiot. He is simply not well balanced.

[A]

What a great quote. But idiot back then, idiot isn't as big of an idiot as you think. Anyone who's buying that's a bit of an idiot.

[B]

Idiot back then is more of a medical term.

[A]

Oh, that's right.

[C]

Oh, that's right.

[A]

The best. The best. Totally. Yes, exactly. But back then when he was like, well, we've got your son's test results back. Unfortunately, your boy's an idiot. Medically speaking, your son's a bit of an idiot

[C]

we've ever seen.

[A]

He's a huge idiot. We're worried if we don't intervene soon enough, he could become a stage four.

[B]

It. It is not so much that I refused Kusick sufficient food. He would refuse to eat meat, fish and other things.

[A]

He's what we call a vegetarian on the faint couch. Don't worry. If we intervene now, your boy might have ribs again.

[B]

I have given him bread, milk, cake and the like. He would often send these back, saying he wanted preserves.

[A]

I mean, I'm not saying that this is normal, but he's just like, I really like preserved. Doctor, what can we do? Your boy's an idiot. He's a huge idiot.

[C]

Imagine being in jail and they give you, like, a cake. They're like, yeah, I know, right?

[A]

He's a milkshake and cake. He's saying, boy I'll tell you what, the slam is a bit of a distressed area.

[B]

He's saying he was starved, but they're like, we gave him cake.

[A]

Would you like a hot. They in the jail, they were like, we only serve birthday party menus. Want a hot dog and a Capri Sun? How about some cake? Boy, what I want to do for a vegetable. What are you in for? Elephant stuff, Mr. Hands.

[B]

As to the fastening of the door, it happened in this way last winter. Cusack insisted on keeping a red hot fire in the stove with the door of the building open. Citizens remonstrated with me on account of the expense to the township. I told them several times to keep the door closed and there would be need of less fire. He refused, and I finally fastened the door in. Fine. I am ready for an investigation. If anybody accepts to my management of the almshouse. I have spanked Cusick, but never thrashed him except when he fired his bed.

[A]

You're out of here.

[B]

I then, we're going in another direction again. Then gave him three lashes with a whip, but it was not enough to injure him.

[A]

What exactly is happening?

[B]

I think he's. I think he set his bed on fire.

[A]

Oh, he set his bed on fire. Yeah. Okay.

[C]

And then when you say spanked him, like. Like with the way he spanked a child's butt like that.

[B]

I think he is distinctions.

[C]

Oh, he's a child.

[B]

Or. Or he might be someone with a mental disability. Like, it could be. Like, it could. This could be a Down syndrome guy or some other.

[A]

You could spank at any age.

[B]

Because I think when they use the term idiot, I think that they're talking about someone with like, your boy's an idiot, serious mental issues.

[A]

Right. And you can spank. That spanking can go on forever. Yeah, I know. I'm just saying some people like a spank for as long as possible, and that's okay.

[B]

No, it isn't.

[A]

Yeah, it is. Oh, yeah. You could spank. PK will back me up here. You could spank for a long time. Some. Yeah. No, but sometimes this bad can be quite erotic. Or it can be quite a way to stop you from doing certain habits.

[B]

I'm actually fine with this conversation not going on. Does that make sense?

[A]

Yeah, that's. That's totally fine. But I think for my fellow spankies.

[B]

No, we see you. I don't think. Are you a Spanky, BK?

[A]

Yeah, BK's a Spanky.

[C]

I mean, I've been spanked, but it's. It's Been a while.

[A]

Yeah, but, but, but have you. But have you spanked in a while? Oh yeah, yeah. Did you hear what he said? Oh yeah, yeah.

[B]

I didn't like the way that was said, honestly.

[C]

But I did not hit. Or was the distinction he made? He spanked, but he didn't slap.

[A]

Yeah, spanking. Yeah, spanking, but no slapping.

[B]

Yeah, soft.

[A]

No, you. You don't want to spank too soft.

[C]

That's not a three times.

[A]

Yeah. Whipping I'm out on. I don't whip spanking.

[B]

Hey, what about whipped cream?

[A]

Only if it's my birthday and I'm in jail. Only in jail. Your boys haven't even touched your whipped cream.

[B]

Easton boys nearly strangled the condemned in fun.

[A]

New new story.

[C]

Okay, all right.

[A]

So they nearly strangled and fun.

[B]

Sure. On. On Tuesday, several boys met at a stable in the fourth ward. Talked about.

[A]

There's someone in here. Who is that man? Hello, sir. What are you doing in the stable so late? Don't worry. Are you boys of science? Have you ever heard how you can't fit a round peg through a square tube? Hello, my name's Mr. Marshall Hands. I'm leading a one man cruise.

[C]

He's like, thank God no one made the figured out how to make this horse talk. He'd have a lot of stories.

[A]

You boys want to see how a centaur gets made? There's someone in here.

[B]

On Tuesday, several boys met at a stable in the fourth ward, talked about the hanging of John Dillman and then one of them suggested they get up a mock execution just for the fun of it.

[A]

Man. Kids used to really know how to play. Kids are. That is way better when you could go have some of Gallo pretend.

[B]

But I mean it makes sense from a psychological perspective. You're a kid. You go to see a hanging sex. Actual literal trauma.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

So then you work it out.

[A]

No, you play I. That I. That is very true. It's like I'm sure like during like you know, during like the World War II. The Nazi kids are like haha. Yes, exactly. This is how you play the game. If you saw it now, you'd be like, these kids are sick.

[B]

And you would like take a horse into a barn and then the guy like you do a whole. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Or whatever. It doesn't need to. Need to. You don't need a barn if it's dark enough. Hello. All right, now put the saddle on my back, pony boy.

[B]

The proposition was felt good, but wrong.

[A]

Wrong.

[B]

The proposition was agreed to and a rope was procured.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

One lad was selected to act as Dill, another the hangman and the rest were to be spectators.

[A]

Boy, never. I mean what a great role to be one of the spectators.

[B]

I but who would want to be. I'll be D. I'll be Dman.

[A]

I want to be Dman. Hang me.

[B]

The rope was thrown across the beam

[A]

and this is starting to not be pretend and actually starting to be a hanging.

[B]

And then noose tightly fastened around the doomed lad's neck.

[A]

By the way, don't love doomed.

[B]

At a given signal the murderer was drawn up and was almost strangled to death when a young lady happened to pass the stable, saw him dangling in the air and cut him down.

[A]

Holy.

[B]

Several minutes later the boy was able to go to home. Oh my God, what a fun game.

[A]

Boy oh boy, that is some dark pretending. I wonder if at any point anyone was like maybe we shouldn't be publicly hanging. No. Do you think that's having any psychological trauma on the youth?

[B]

A game somewhat similar was played by boys in West Bethlehem. Several lads of age. I can't say what the to 13 years. Something to 13. While playing in a hay, Mo fastened a rope around the body of one of the party and the rest of the boys held on to the other end of it. The little feather was let down into the marrow fun funnel shaped box about 12ft. Then the boys found it impossible to hoist their companion again and he would suffocated but for the timely arrival of assistance. So kids are working it out after watching public execution.

[A]

Yeah, it really, really makes you wonder what America 2046 will look like.

[C]

Can't be good a haymo. It sounds like a self driving horse carriage. You know,

[A]

if you're talking about a horse carriage, that's actually my favorite position for the barn. Hello, my name's Marshall Hayes Hands. How are you?

[B]

Do you think he took the name from Fast Times at Ridgemont High?

[A]

I don't know. I don't even know who's in there.

[B]

Yeah, Mr. Mr. Hands is the teacher. Is Pacoli's teacher.

[A]

Maybe. Maybe. I also think it might be because that's the only thing that could brace him.

[B]

Maybe he maybe he liked like a very stern teacher type and that's why I took the name.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

And maybe he was pretending the horse was Spagoli.

[A]

I I here's what I think. I don't think he ever thought everyone will know this name. I thought you just blew out a birthday candle there. Yeah, Mr. Huds is famous in the equine community.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You guys hear about Mr. Hooves. Disgusting.

[C]

He's. He's on his own. Chad's trying to find humans to have sex with.

[A]

You guys think Mr. Haynes is a real person? If you heard this urban legend about Mr.

[C]

Hands.

[B]

Another celebrated case, how traces of a husband who disappeared in 1848 were found.

[A]

Man, he could really just ghost. Ghosting was really an option.

[B]

It really was.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

In September 1846, John Halleck of Monroe, in this county, was married to Ms. Hannah Beck Bennett of the town of Mama. Mama Cating. Mama Cutting.

[A]

Mama Cutting.

[B]

At Sullivan County, New York. After two years of life, of married life, and when their daughter was four months old, Alex suddenly disappeared.

[A]

I get it. One for him.

[B]

That's a hard time. That's a hard time. Just go like a fight. When the kid's like, around that age, it's a lot of hard time for the dad.

[A]

Not enough people talking time.

[B]

It is for the very hard time for the dad.

[A]

Really hard. Think about it.

[B]

We really need to start thinking about the dad. Dudsmore. Yeah.

[A]

You want to be going to a Buffalo Wild Wings with the boys, taking some green shots? Thing that needs to be taken care of all the time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No, thanks.

[B]

I didn't. I didn't ask for this. I was just. Okay, you know. The deserted wife could find no trace of him and finally gave him up as dead. The daughter was, in the meantime, grown up and married. And last month, an Elmyra paper chronicled the death in the town of the Spencer, Tiagara County, New York, of one John Halleck, a wealthy citizen whose death was a great loss to his wife and children as well as the community. Ms. Halleck saw the paper and set inquiries on foot with the result approving him to have been the missing man. So he just went to another town and started over.

[A]

And then they.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Figured it out eventually.

[B]

Yeah. Halleck drew his own will and in it bequeathed five dollars to Evelyn Dimmock Halleck, his daughter, by his first one. Five bucks. His first wife.

[A]

That's nice.

[B]

His first kid.

[A]

That's nice. That's. That's. That's some nice cash. That's some good scratch.

[B]

He. He didn't name the first wife at all.

[A]

Yeah, well, she doesn't deserve anything, but five bucks are nice. That's a good.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

That's 20.

[B]

That's a nice. So when my dad. My dad was a total dirtbag, and when he died, he had hidden silver quarters which he thought would be worth, like, tens of thousands of dollars, by the way.

[A]

You might want to check in on those.

[B]

And. And my Sister brought them out at a family get together and we all laughed at how crazy he was. He had once buried them in the plants outside. But anyway, it was about. I would say it's about $10 in old silver quarters. And we looked it up and they're worth about $10 BK.

[A]

Dave's dad was awesome, and he has a really negative attitude about him.

[C]

Yeah, your dad loves me more than that guy in that story, dude.

[A]

Yeah, way more. He didn't fake his own death. Yeah, your dad was awesome. Your dad stuck around and gave you flower quarters. Silver's up, babe.

[B]

Last week in. In order to set settle the estate, it became necessary to serve a citation on the daughter. And that process furnished further proof of the dead man's identity. Ms. Halleck, number one, has instituted proceedings to recover her share of her husband's property. Offers of settlement have been made by ex Judge Smith, who represents the second Ms. Halleck and her three children. The matter will be heard in the courts in May.

[A]

She gets anything.

[B]

Yeah, because he never divorced her. He just bailed, so she should get some.

[A]

Yeah, that's, that's, that's, that's a divorce. I know.

[B]

A divorce is when you go through the courts and the, and the, the court is like, okay, so taking your own death is.

[A]

You're sending a very clear message.

[B]

I know you're sending a message like that's the emotional part, but the, the financial part is you have to give some money because.

[A]

Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. Judge Alito. What a guy.

[C]

You know what I mean?

[A]

You don't need to go through courts. Court's got his Brett Kavanaugh. You should be able to just go two towns over and pretend like that other town never happened.

[B]

Okay, that's not great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Honestly.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

You. And I hope you get to death by a horse.

[A]

That's disgusting. Stop that. By the way, it's called getting to life.

[B]

What?

[A]

Go ahead.

[B]

I disagree.

[A]

Oh, sweet baby Dave, listen. You know how news is. We're basically a news show and it's overwhelming. Okay, but this is different. News is non stop. It's. It's coming at you all the time. You know, it's like living in this day and age.

[B]

I do. I live here.

[A]

One hour, you're talking about one thing. The next hour, you've completely forgotten about that thing because your brain cannot catch up.

[B]

You know, we need Gareth say it. A podcast.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

That is not panic inducing. It slows things down.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I'm talking about stateside with Kai and Carter.

[A]

That's exactly what I was going to say.

[B]

It's a Guardian podcast.

[A]

Stateside with Kai and Carter airs three times per week because there's always something to discuss. Kai and Carter get access to the Guardians resources in the US and reporters around the world. And David, they deliver the most relevant information right to you.

[B]

We should say it's journalists Kai Wright and Carter Sherman, but we're talking global

[A]

content across news, international coverage, climate, culture, sports, lifestyle, fashion, wellness. And they're not billionaire owned over there at the Guardian, Dave, which is something you and I can get behind.

[B]

I like that. So Kai and Carter wrestle with all the questions we have. What's going on in the world. So listen wherever you get your podcasts or watch on YouTube stateside with Kai and Carter.

[E]

Insurance isn't one size fits all. That's why drivers have enjoyed Progressive's name your price tool for years. Now. With the name your price tool, you tell them what you want to pay and they'll show you options that fit your budget. So whether you're picking out your first policy or just looking for something that works better for you and your family, they make it easy to see your options. Visit progressive.com find a rate that works for you with the name your price tool. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates Price and coverage match limited by state law this episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy to see if you could save when you bundle your home and auto policies. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states.

[F]

And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go

[A]

to help someone customize and save on

[F]

car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row

[A]

at a comedy show. Hey everyone, check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date? Oh, no.

[B]

We help people customize and save on

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car insurance with Liberty Mutual together.

[A]

We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird. Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.

[F]

Anyways, get a [e-mail] or with your local agent.

[A]

Liberty. Liberty. Liberty.

[B]

Long hair is the rule in the prohibition convention.

[A]

Wow, that is awesome.

[C]

What convention?

[A]

Long hair at the Prohibition.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Okay, now what year is this? Is 1894. 1884. Prohibition again?

[B]

Oh yeah. They were working on it for a long time before they got it. Scarcity. Any beardless men and no youths at temperance hall today. The organization and business of meeting. So it's all they're saying it's all ladies.

[A]

Oh, right.

[C]

Pretty politically correct way of saying that.

[A]

Yeah, that is, that's very progressive.

[B]

About three.

[A]

A bunch of.

[B]

No, about three score gentlemen were scattered about on the benches of temperance hall at 11 o' clock this morning when the probe.

[A]

Temperance hall would be a great name for a bar.

[B]

It would, yeah. I bet there's one out there. I bet there is one. When the prohibition estate convention was called to order, the gentlemen were almost all of middle aged and decidedly intelligent looking. There was a notable absence of young men. A close inspection of the assemblage showed only three clean shaven delegates. No. So it is dudes.

[A]

Yeah. Okay.

[B]

Full beards with a rule.

[A]

That's weird. It's BK So that's kind of, that's sort of, that's the look of a pious man to some extent.

[B]

Yeah, I mean you wouldn't make the cut, dude. Full beards were the rule. The meeting was called to order by Rudolphus Bingham, worst name ever. A white haired old gentleman with side whiskers of the same color.

[A]

Side. What is he a like a tabby?

[B]

Did you see the, did you see the video of, of Louis CK talking to Jim Norton? And he's, his beard is like, not that it's, it's not that long. But then he has neck hair that is like hanging over his like dark shirt. It's like the neck hair is like three times as long as the beard hair. It's like, hey, hey, you're not looking very married these days.

[A]

Is he married?

[B]

I know, he's definitely. He looks like a single divorce dad at that point.

[A]

Well, it sounds, it sounds like he's the abominable snowman I'm seeing if Temperance hall is a bar.

[B]

Professor George McPherson of Princeton, who wears a full dark beard tinged with gray, was chosen as temporary chairman. One of the secretaries, J.J. crandall, closely cut, has closely cut whiskers except over his upper lip which is bare. The other secretary, that's the worst look.

[A]

That's how you know you're like no alcohol.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

The other secretary, J.S. little, was one of the three beardless men in the hall. The youngest looking who is from South Jersey, sporting a huge bouquet of yellow and red flowers on the lapel of his coat.

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[B]

What's, what's happening?

[A]

I don't know. Sounds like that guy's like got a pollinating coat on.

[B]

Camden, Burlington and Mercer County.

[A]

Burlington in a beautiful coat. Once again an endless supply. It seems.

[B]

Camden, Burlington and Mercer county sent the heaviest delegation Some of the counties were not represented. Hudson sent only one lawyer. Ransom said word that the trial of a case in which he was engaged detained him at Jersey City. This is literally not a story.

[C]

I think nothing was happening this year because all these stories are so like, yeah, this guy left his family. And then this guy's like, maybe elephants could talk.

[A]

By the way, the elephants could talk guy is really headlining this paper is without question the papers headliner is that guy.

[B]

After the counties had once called a difficult heroes of the failure of some delegates to bring credentials, an animated debate followed. A tall, thin gentleman with long flowing hair and a dark beard that tapered down to a point at the first button of his vest caused momentary interruption with emotion that a card be fastened to the outer door of the hall, not titling late delegates that the convention was in session. Otherwise they're apt to get astray. The gentleman's appointed to one of the.

[A]

What?

[B]

Appointed to a committee to one. Attend the matter. Okay.

[A]

Jesus Christ. So the slender man walked in and was just like, we should put a note on the door.

[B]

It literally just goes on talking about the hair on people's faces.

[A]

I'm more interested in this Louis CK beard, beard, chest combo. It's.

[B]

It's.

[A]

It might be God's punishment for jacking off in door frames.

[B]

It's genuinely insane.

[A]

It's awesome.

[B]

Like, you want to go like, do you have any friends who tell us,

[A]

you know, he's recording his new special for Netflix?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Apparently once you start it, in order to stop it, you have to see a picture of his penis. Did you guys know that to exit out of the media, I just think it's a. What they're leaning in, which I actually like.

[B]

Yeah, no, it's weird.

[A]

I like that. That's weird. And then instead of giving it a thumbs up or down, It's a penis up or down. I don't know. I could still look at a guy.

[B]

You can't do penis up or down. It only. Let's do penis up.

[A]

Yeah, well, yeah, and I.

[B]

By the way, it's not consensual reviewing.

[A]

There's a lot. Like some people say that they can still listen to Michael Jackson's music. Like, I can do that. And I can still watch a man on stage make quips while I know that he's a Doris debater. I think that's fine. I have no problem with that. That's fine to me. Hey, listen, are we okay with Mistletoe then? I think what Louie did is okay. Thank you.

[B]

Do you have birds.

[C]

I don't think that's me. Is it?

[A]

You have birds?

[C]

No. That's on. That's on your end.

[A]

We have birds.

[B]

I hope not. We're in an office building.

[A]

I tell you what. It would be awesome if we had birds.

[B]

What if Luke puts bird sounds?

[A]

It would not surprise me. It's like when you go to an airport and you see six birds and you're like, do they know about the outside world? Just kind of Truman showed it. Oh, every airport has birds, baby.

[B]

What the are you talking about?

[A]

Every hub has birds.

[B]

What?

[A]

Yes. Yeah, it's true.

[B]

They have birds.

[A]

Yes. Yeah.

[B]

When did that happen?

[A]

That's been happening forever.

[B]

I've never.

[C]

Like a mall too. Malls also have birds.

[A]

There. There are certain birds. There's certain birds who know no better.

[B]

Are you talking about young women?

[A]

No. I'm not doing an Austin Powers impression. Every mall's got birds, baby. Yeah.

[B]

A clergyman's peculiarity.

[A]

Oh, that's not good. You don't want to peculiarly. Do not.

[B]

This is my dick.

[A]

The Holy Waters urine. Oh, God.

[B]

Reverend John Confessions.

[A]

The original glory hole.

[B]

Reverend John Merodick has been arrested several times.

[A]

As in Hand me that mirror. I'll show you two of something you never wanted to see. He's just behind Jesus on the cross.

[B]

Reverend John Merodeck has been arrested several times for the larceny of books from different stores. But released on the plea of absent minded business.

[A]

I forgot. I didn't know what I was doing with all these books.

[B]

So is this. He's a book stealing reverend.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Who gets away with it because he's

[A]

like I'm a reverend by the way. Imagine how great it would be if now our crimes where people are stealing books.

[C]

I know. Also like that. That's peculiar. They're like he's searching for knowledge. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. He's on the quest to learn. Oh, disgusting. My man. Open minded clergyman. Yeah. One book. Yeah. Can I go get another book? The Bible will do. It's really dense.

[B]

Okay. Okay. So recently he was employed by the Sunshine Publishing Company to dispose of books. The proceeds of which were to go to the Bartholdi Statue of Liberty Fund.

[A]

So this is probably. He's getting rid of. He's probably doing the. His movements work by getting rid of blasphemous texts.

[B]

Or he's just selling books and not. The clergyman seems to be absent minded again. For he collected large sums in New York and failed to make returns.

[A]

Yeah, he sure is absent minded. So is Joel Osteen.

[B]

Last night. Last Night he was arrested after delivering a temperance lecture and held in a thousand dollar bail to answer the charge of larceny at court. So he was taking money for bucks and then not giving them.

[A]

Right.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

It's great to be like at a temperance speech and then be arrested. Yeah. Here's what society needs. Oh, sorry. I run a book pyramid scheme.

[B]

A devilish crime. This is out of Minnesota. William Lafitt Maker shot and killed his wife and then himself.

[A]

Is that crime?

[C]

That should have been a headline over most of these other stories.

[A]

Yeah, it's kind of a bigger one.

[B]

It.

[A]

By the way, the kids are. The kids have a new game to play. Yeah.

[C]

Murder suicide.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Ms. Lafitt maker was a very handsome and well to do American woman who owned a good home and farm. She became, in fact, she became infatuated with Lafitt Maker who was a German.

[A]

Wow. Really not giving him much.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Jesus Christ. If a sausage could wear pants.

[C]

That's just be the end of the article. Like of course.

[B]

Should we. Should we put a in here or should it just be German? I think I say out of.

[A]

Seen here as a pile of sauerkraut. He was.

[B]

He was ill tempered and bought the revolver with which the deed was done a year ago. So he's thinking about it.

[C]

Wow. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. It's like the Brady Bill.

[B]

What?

[A]

It's like the Brady Bill. Five day waiting period. But he gave himself a year. I like that. He bought the gun and then he sat on it for a year. So by the time he killed his wife. And again, I'm not suggesting people should be doing that, but he knew for sure he wanted to do it. I don't think I know what the Brady Bill is.

[C]

Are you doing a Brady Bunch reference? Because I do love the Brady Bunch.

[A]

Well, walk us through it. BK I'd love to talk about it. No. When the Brady Bill, the Clinton Bill, where you had to have a five day waiting period after you purchased Brady

[B]

was the guy who got shot with. With Reagan. But he got shot.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

Gotcha.

[B]

And then eventually it turned into a bill to put what really relatively mild regulations on guns.

[A]

Yeah. And enough for the enemy to lose their minds.

[B]

But we're. We can't. We're like everybody should be able to get my horses.

[A]

Hold on a minute.

[C]

The Mr. Hands.

[A]

Hold on a minute. We have the Mr. He's in Congress. There's no metric for the love between a horse and a man beneath him. Mr. Senator Hands. Senator Hands. Now, hold on. Now hold on. Stand up for your speech. I'm unable to stand.

[C]

Where's your beard?

[B]

Mysterious death in New Orleans.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Ms. Caroline or Mrs. Caroline Bearer. A midwife was walking along Gentilly Road, and she suddenly fell forward on her face. And when friends went to her assistance, she was found to be dead, waiting for this mystery.

[C]

Yeah, Aneurysm. Probably the first one.

[A]

Yeah. Or just head trauma.

[B]

When the corpse was being prepared for the coffin, it was.

[A]

I don't like, prepared.

[B]

Well, they're. They're getting. Putting better clothes on.

[A]

It's like you're marinating it, and you're.

[B]

You put makeup on the face.

[A]

Prepared. How do y' all like her?

[B]

You got to put the pick falling off the bones. You got to put the pickles in there to keep. Keep. Keep it from rotting.

[A]

Why are we putting her on a fake Astro? We thought we could serve her for the Super Bowl.

[B]

It put all the sauerkraut and pickles in there to keep a.

[A]

Keep it. Beautiful presentation.

[B]

So when the corpse was being prepared for the coffin, it was found that the woman had a small wound in the back of her head. An autopsy revealed the bullet in the brain.

[A]

We got pretty far into this process before the autopsy.

[B]

No one. No one heard anything?

[A]

No.

[B]

They saw her fall.

[A]

They saw her fall dead.

[B]

And they were like, wow, could she. Could she have gotten shot before and, like, walked out?

[A]

No. Fallen. No, no, no. That's possible. It was.

[C]

It was probably one of these. They shot the bullet in the air, you know, and then probably.

[B]

I like that. I like that.

[C]

Maybe there's a hoot nanny in town. They're probably.

[A]

I didn't know about that. Once again, I always. I have a blind spot for the hoot nanny.

[C]

As a New Jersey guy, we had plenty of those all the time.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

Jersey is the hoot nanny state.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

Yeah. An autopsy reveal a bull in the brain. The matter is very mysterious and is now being investigated. It is thought by some that Ms. Shear was shot and robbed, while others think the shooting was accidental.

[A]

Well, still, the point is, she got shot right before they were, like, going to casket. They're like, should we do an autopsy? Yeah, whatever. Just there's a bullet in the back of her head.

[B]

It is weird.

[C]

You think there'd be an entry wound. Yeah, something, you know, like, for that. They would know. Yeah. They'd be like, oh, it looks like she was shot.

[A]

Did someone say entry wound? No. Hello. No hello.

[B]

That's the name of my horse accident.

[A]

I actually feel like my story has not been told fully.

[B]

It has.

[A]

I don't Know everyone's heard. You don't know what preceded the event.

[B]

People aren't happy.

[A]

You don't know what preceded the event. There was a whole thing.

[B]

Last one. Last one. The veterans Entertainment.

[A]

The who's Veterans. Okay.

[C]

Veterans. Okay.

[B]

The entertainment of the Union Veteran Volunteer association held at Bayard Post Room last evening was largely attended and a success. Ms. McCoy's recitation and one by Felix O' Neill were rendered with intelligence and spirit. The tableau of the rebel was rendered by Captain Bilby. Edward Haven presided at the organ and his comic songs were heartily applauded.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Joke.

[A]

Yeah, right. Yeah.

[B]

The program then proceeded as follows. Miss. Mr. Snyder. Lessons on the. Whoops. Lessons on the harmonica. This is really horrendous.

[A]

Lessons on the harmonica is horrible.

[B]

This. This is the worst show I've ever heard of.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Mr. Weeks, a song. The Fisherman.

[A]

The Fisherman. The Fisherman. The Fisherman. The Fisherman. The Fisherman. The Fisherman. The man for the fish.

[B]

Okay, thank you.

[A]

Thanks, Everybody.

[B]

Thank you, Mr. Weeks.

[A]

Keep it going for Mr. Hands. Hello.

[C]

No, I got a show for you guys.

[A]

You thought him pulling a rabbit out of that was something, did you? Well, get ready.

[B]

I have one trick

[C]

and it's my last one.

[A]

This is by for the bifidal trick. It's called the Reverse Excalibur. Oh, no.

[B]

Comrade Bush with his odd hand organ.

[A]

His odd hand organ? By the way, that's what Louis CK's special is called. Odd hand organs. Mr. Hands in organ warmer.

[B]

And then this. Mr. Lindley, the woodchuck.

[A]

Hello.

[C]

Ha.

[B]

I wonder if he did an impression of a wood truck. He probably did an impression of a wood.

[A]

I did a lot of damn puns. There's damn wood.

[B]

Charles Thompson, song and dance.

[A]

Hello. Hello.

[B]

George Stannard, the infant banjoist.

[A]

I'm a baby, but I can also play the banjo.

[C]

See, I'm curious if it's a small banjo. If the banjo.

[B]

It's gotta be. It's gotta be.

[A]

I wonder. I. I like to picture it being like a Hee Haw. Like a grown up in a diaper playing the banjo.

[B]

I like that.

[C]

That's pretty good.

[A]

I'm a little baby.

[B]

Jacob Booze in the old fire song.

[A]

Well, there's fire.

[B]

Okay, thank you.

[A]

Thanks, everybody.

[B]

Mr. Snider, a song. Mr. Naylor, the one legged man. A dance.

[A]

Hello. This. This is going to feel exploitative.

[B]

Is everybody ready for it to get really weird and uncomfortable?

[A]

Everybody ready to not know how to react?

[B]

And finally, tableau. Goddess of the liberty or the downfall of the rebellion.

[A]

Hello.

[B]

The organ used at the entertainment was furnished by Roman. The association is made up of veterans of the late war and is beneficial.

[A]

Order.

[C]

Order.

[B]

Under the leadership of Captain Brown. It is for the benefit of the sons and daughters of old soldiers who are in distress.

[A]

Wow. Wow.

[C]

Well, also Captain Brown, my nickname in high school,

[A]

by the way. You. You say it first, then I'll go along. But I'm not gonna say it. All right. Have you ever talked to Captain Brown? What's the matter? Well, BK, the legacy might be Mr. Hands on this one. I don't know how you feel about being associated with that.

[C]

I love it. That was a good through line. I am very glad that came out.

[A]

That okay. Good people should go to insane Brown posse. Follow you all around. Lots of stuff you're doing. Maybe lacrosse, maybe highlight with people. Either way, catching up.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

The.

[C]

The Velcro ball with the. The paddle.

[A]

Oh, I love that. Yeah, I love that. Guaranteed catch.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, thank you for joining us, bk. And it was a pleasure to hold your hand and to have our hands held on another journey through space and time through the medium of periodicals.

[B]

That's right.

[C]

It was very nice to hold your Mr. Hands.

[A]

We're cutting. We're cutting. We're cutting. We're cutting. We're cutting. Foreign.

[D]

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[F]

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