176 - The Past Times with Claire Jolliffe

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dollop – The Past Times with Claire Jolliffe (Episode 176, May 29, 2026)

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Episode Overview

In this episode of The Past Times, comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds are joined by comic Claire Jolliffe. As per tradition, Dave brings an old newspaper (from 1888) to the table, which none of the participants have seen in advance. The trio riff through bizarre historical stories, blending their trademark improvisational humor, deadpan reactions, and sly modern commentary, while also diving into Claire’s life and upcoming one-woman show about calling off her wedding.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Guest Introduction & Claire’s One-Woman Show

• [00:30-04:12]
  • Gareth introduces Claire Jolliffe as the guest.
  • Claire promotes her upcoming show, “One Woman Show Clarification,” at the Lyric Hyperion on June 6th.
    • Claire: “It’s a show about calling off my wedding. So it’s just a lot of crying and—” (02:06)
    • Gareth: “The streets are talking and they’re saying way too soon…” (02:29)
  • Self-deprecating humor about low ticket sales and the cathartic aspect of comedy.
  • Dave jokes: “If Claire’s show does not sell out, we’re shutting down the podcast.” (04:03)

Guessing the Newspaper Year & “Lady Chaperone”

• [04:14-07:18]
  • The group guesses the year of the paper based on the headline “Lady Chaperone for Lady Tourists”; it’s from April 18, 1888, Bay City, Michigan.
  • Discussion on the role of a chaperone and outdated gender norms.
    • Claire (guessing): “Gut instinct is to say 1874.” (04:47)
    • Gareth: “Lady chaperone gives me a 1905.” (04:55)

Lady Chaperones and Social Mores

• [07:20-15:45]
  • Historic concerns about “sharpers and scamps” (conmen and mischievous men) preying on unaccompanied ladies.
  • Dave reads aloud: “Why should not a corporation have an exhibit, an interest in the moral safety and intellectual pleasure of its patrons?” (07:18)
  • The trio lampoon the coded language around moral safety, bringing in modern parallels and satirical asides about gender and double standards.
  • Claire: “I work as a nanny, and that's kind of what my job is. Like, the mom just sits all day, and I'm just sort of like, hey, how are you? What are you doing?” (13:28)

Victorian Morality, Sexual Innuendo, and Escort Humor

• [12:03-15:45]
  • Jokes about men paying for “lady chaperones” leading to escort/prostitution quips.
    • Gareth: “In the man's mind, he's like, I hired a... I'm courting a woman for the summer on my trip.”
    • Claire: “She's literally just escorting me? ...Sounds like something my dad right now would tell me he got caught up in.” (13:09)

Preacher Convicted of Misconduct

• [15:57-18:11]
  • Read aloud of a news item about a Methodist preacher convicted of unspecified wrongdoing. Dark guesses abound—touching on the perennial subject of institutional misconduct.
  • Claire riffs on being raised by church mice, keeping the mood absurdist.

Rats, The Black Plague, and Panera Bread

• [18:44-21:08]
  • Tangent from the Black Plague to why Panera is called St. Louis Bread Co. in Missouri.
  • Claire: “No, I went to St. Louis, and they said, oh, you want to go to St. Louis Bread Co? And I walked in, I went, this is a Panera. And they said, that's what we call it here.” (19:50)
  • Dave and Gareth rib each other about bagged food, cheese, and regional food lore.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Snake Saga (Highlights from 28:27-44:22)

  • The episode’s wildest story: a reverend brings home a 30-foot boa constrictor from Africa that becomes the family pet.
  • The snake and a child are described as “caressing each other like lovers” (34:02), which both horrifies and amuses the hosts.
    • Claire: “Another story about a priest fondling kids.” (33:39)
    • Gareth: “Now that snake’s my friend’s dog.” (34:48)
  • Extended joking about “breaking up with your snake,” snakes as ‘pets’ and bread bowls.
  • Satirical made-up Instagram: “The Dodo” as an animal feel-good page.

• Absurd Crime Blotter

  • Vagrants praised for sleeping at the police station ("I'm a vag!") (26:16-27:38)
  • Sensational Vienna crime story featuring “Alfred Frankenstein” manipulating a maid into theft, culminating in a botched fake robbery (51:04-59:37).
    • Claire: “It’s Frankenstein’s monster, not Frankenstein! He’s the doctor.” (55:18)
    • Gareth: “Left turn. Can I go right?” (55:14)

• Victorian India & Cremation Customs

  • A grim, detailed description of cremation and river pollution on the Ganges (61:00-65:12).
  • Gareth riffs: “Can I have the dead body water in a bread bowl?” (63:05)

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Important Segments & Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment Title / Description | |-------------|---------------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:30–04:12 | Introduction, Claire’s Show, Comedy after Tragedy | | 04:14–07:18 | Guessing the Newspaper Year, “Lady Chaperone” Headline | | 07:20–15:45 | Chaperones, Victorian morality, Nannies, Escort Jokes | | 15:57–18:11 | Preacher Convicted; Church Satire | | 18:44–21:08 | Black Plague, Rat Lore, Panera/St. Louis Bread Company | | 28:27–44:22 | Snake Love Story: From Africa to Michigan | | 26:16–27:38 | Crime Blotter: Vagrants, Drunks, and Parole | | 51:04–59:37 | Sensational Vienna: The Frankenstein Crime | | 61:00–65:12 | Ganges River, Cremation, Pollution, and Gross Choices | | 66:11–66:36 | Claire’s Instagram, Promoting the Show Again |

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Conclusion & Final Bits

• The episode ends with more promotion for Claire’s show and musings on dark, ridiculous Victorian news.
• Claire: “This is the top things I would want to have. And I hope there’s 16 breast mentions.” (60:11)
• Claire’s Instagram: @Creepster.Claire (66:22)
• The group signs off, having delivered a rollicking, unpredictable mix of history, comedy, and personal confessions.

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Summary Tone & Language

The language throughout is irreverent, rapid-fire, sometimes blue, filled with punchlines and callbacks. The hosts and Claire build running jokes around every historical tidbit, questioning old-timey assumptions while making their own neuroses—about comedy, love, food, and death—the real focus.

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Perfect for listeners who love history served with absurd, unfiltered wit—and a healthy dose of comic self-doubt.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Oh, welcome to the Past Times. It's a podcast. Someone's finally doing it. You know, we do here each week we go through a newspaper from a random date in history picked out by none other than Dave Anthony. I, Gareth Reynolds, have never seen it and neither has this week's guest, great Claire Jolliffe. Hello, Claire.

[C]

Bye, guys.

[B]

Thank you for being here.

[C]

Thank you for having me.

[B]

People are talking. Claire. Claire.

[D]

I was, I was sent a note and it said,

[B]

leave this established.

[D]

I want to book oh, this person for the pastimes. And I clicked on the link and I watched about 11 seconds of your stand up and I said, yeah, it was about 11 seconds.

[B]

It's that. It's that good is what he's saying.

[D]

Made me laugh very hard.

[C]

That's all I mean.

[B]

And Claire, you have a one woman show.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

June 6th, Lyric, Hyperion. Be there 5:30.

[D]

I'll be on the show.

[B]

What is the title of the show?

[C]

It's called one woman show Clarification.

[D]

Oh, I like that.

[B]

Big fan of that stuff.

[D]

Do you know Will Anderson? You know Will Anderson is. No, he puts it. He's Australian guy. He puts his. He puts Will into all of his titles.

[B]

Yeah. And he's done like 800 shows. So at this point you're like. But Claire, that works.

[D]

Claire works for that pretty well.

[B]

Yeah, that's good.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, that's exciting. What can people expect at the show? Will there be wigs?

[D]

Wigs?

[C]

No, there'll be me kind of going like this. No, it's a. It's a show about calling off my wedding. So it's just a lot of crying and.

[B]

Oh, wow, when did that. When did that. What is the timeline between the. The. The Whatever I would imagine is a traumatic experience to being able to convert it into some sort of cathartic comedy.

[C]

You know, some are saying the streets are talking and they're saying way too soon. She shouldn't even be doing this now. But I'm going further.

[B]

Further concern coming your way after that. Well, good well, that. Honestly that to me, I would. I'm.

[D]

I'm more than I was at the Raw is good. I want to see. It'd be great if you broke down halfway through.

[B]

Advert mistake. I'm absolutely in. That gets me in the front door. Well that's awesome. Where can people get tickets? Can they just go to your sold out?

[C]

Yeah. No guys, I'll be honest right now with you guys. It's not sold out. It's not selling as well as one. Ho. You put a show on like come to my wedding. Can you at least come to the show?

[D]

Right.

[C]

I'm busy.

[D]

Let me put. Let me put out there. I've watched videos. Claire is really funny. Watched a lot of this show and then I watched more after that.

[B]

But let's. Let's say funny our fans. If you're in the area, it's 5:30. The lyric is a great little spot.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Go see this show. And like Claire said, she's alienating her goddamn real world people.

[D]

Her family doesn't like her anymore.

[B]

I don't know if we're going that far.

[D]

Family has sworn her off.

[B]

I don't think that's done with. I don't think that makes her feel better, which is a comforting place. But go see the show. Can they just go to the Lyric Hyperion website? Is that the best place to do it? So just fucking Google, Bing, Brave, whatever fucking browser you're using. Doesn't matter. They're all going through your bullshit. Claire's putting on a goddamn show and you're going to it. Do you understand me? You're going to the show.

[D]

If Claire's. If Claire's show does not sell out, we're shutting down the podcast.

[B]

Not ready to sign that paper. Shutting it down now, Claire.

[D]

Murder suicide ending.

[B]

That's a crazy thing to say. Those terms are weird. Probably going to get bleeped out. Might not be on YouTube now, Claire, we're gonna guess what year this newspaper is from with no context. Unless. Do you want to give a little context? You want to just give a headline on this?

[D]

Lady chaperone for lady tourists.

[B]

So there you go. Great insight. It could be 17, 18, 1900s. Claire shot in the dark. Guest, you know that there is a lady chaperone involved. Which again a long time frame where lady chaperone was probably.

[D]

I'm thinking we bring him back a grade.

[C]

I'm gonna any year. Gut. Gut instinct to sing 1874.

[B]

I like it. Yeah. Lady chaperone. Lady chaperon gives me a 19. Oh 5.

[D]

Lady Chaperon is going to be the name of my one man show.

[B]

Yeah. Nobody's ready for that, I think. Yeah. Dave called off his wedding after it happened. When is it?

[D]

1888.

[B]

1888. Claire wins. Yeah, wins. That means you got to go to the lyrics.

[D]

My favorite thing that I at a wedding was I was like one of the groomsmen or whatever the fuck and my buddy was walking.

[B]

You're too cool to remember the name groomsman?

[D]

Well, I don't know if I was the best man of the groomsman, but anyway, we were walking up and. And the priest or rabbi or whatever he is is like, hey, can I get the money? While they were lined up to, hey, can I get the cash?

[B]

You guys owe me $180. Now.

[D]

Claire, you didn't have that happen because you didn't make it that far, do you?

[B]

Jeff, remember you owe me a hundred and eighty dollars.

[D]

Wednesday, April the what?

[C]

Do you have the rings or do you have the cash? That was all I was gonna say. You know what?

[D]

Can I. You know, I'm.

[B]

Rings look pricey. So you do have money.

[D]

I'm gonna hold on to this ring until I get the cash and you

[B]

put it on the finger when I put it in my wallet. Do you understand? Don't try to me, Jerry. You will not me in front of your friends and family.

[D]

Wednesday, April 18, 1888 the Evening Press. Bay City and West Bay City, Michigan isn't.

[B]

When you're dating someone, don't we call it Bay City?

[D]

Does that have any relation? Does it have any relation to you, Claire? Because sometimes Preston will pick a place. That's where I'm from.

[C]

Michigan. I'm from Michigan.

[D]

There you go. There you go.

[B]

The land of 800 lakes and 900.

[D]

Now they added more smart lady chaperones for lady tourists.

[B]

This one raise a bell?

[D]

Doesn't chaperones usually have an E at the end?

[B]

Chaperone? Oh, it depends. The artist? No, back then? I believe so.

[D]

I think this is chaperon then.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

This is a new thing. But the wonder is it was not thought of before

[B]

translation. Hey, I know this seems very strange, but why did it take so long?

[D]

Why should not a corporation have an exhibit, an interest in the moral safety and intellectual pleasure of its patrons? Answer that.

[C]

Intellectual pleasure. I like the sound.

[B]

I believe. I believe you should be offered intellectual pleasure. Yeah. Every time I go into the we work and they ask, what if I need a suite? I go, yeah, I'm here for intellectual pleasure. I'm the Only guy at my. We work. It's really more of a me work. Go ahead.

[D]

I, I would say that this podcast is intellectual pleasure. Claire, your one woman show will be intellectual pleasure, will it not?

[B]

You talking about the one at the lyric Hyperion, June 6th? Yeah. 5:30pm yeah.

[C]

Yeah. I think it's called. Whoops. A clarification. Whoops. A clarification.

[B]

Clarification. I believe it is. Yep.

[C]

I directed and you're doing kind of a horrible job. I, I have a lot of notes actually, but I want to take a few.

[B]

I don't think that. I don't think the artist is ready to perform the show. From being honest, I've been trying to be sensitive.

[C]

Way too raw.

[B]

It's actually way too, it's way too raw. There's too many discoveries as we lead up to the final show.

[D]

It's crying. The show.

[B]

We're just starting to find it.

[D]

Crying and screaming. The show.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

It is well known that sharpers and scamps. Okay, well, sharpers.

[B]

I sharpers. I'll put up with scamps. I have no tolerance.

[D]

What do you think a sharper is? Conmen.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I thought it was just kind of like people. People who, who had pointy edges, like,

[B]

like broad shoulders and kind of a square type.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Squarish person. But I would, I would think it's some sort of. Yeah. Roustabout.

[D]

A clever swindler, a crooked gambler or a cunning con man.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

So that's what we thought.

[B]

Yep, that's what we thought all along.

[D]

And scamps are on the cars everywhere, ready to take advantage of the unprotected and uninformed.

[B]

Maga.

[D]

No.

[B]

Oh.

[D]

What?

[B]

Huh?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Everything. I, Every time I hear description of people, I just think, is it maga or not maga?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Sounds maga.

[C]

Ish.

[B]

I'm maga, by the way. You are big mega. Yeah. Yeah, I just, Yeah, I got in recently. I just. Lately it started to kind of click for me. This is a good movement.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And talk about a posse. These people, they're awesome. You've. You've never had better buffalo chicken dip from a group period. Can anyone hear me?

[D]

No. Yeah.

[B]

Okay. Because everybody's, everyone's gotten real quiet on the podcast.

[D]

That's why we're staring.

[B]

Okay. All right.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. So anyway, I was with you the

[C]

whole time, and then I was like, I, I've had the buffalo chicken with. I, I, I went to Trump Towers and I had. And I thought like a six.

[D]

You got it at the Towers. You got at the Tower. At the Trump Tower. You got the.

[B]

Can we just imagine how different the world would be if 911 was into Trump Tower? If those two planes had Trump Tower. Could be an okay. Anyway. You had a newspaper at some point, didn't you?

[D]

There's an increase of women travelers. And this lady chaperone, thoroughly posted on all matters of interest, will contribute in no small degree to their getting the full value of their tours.

[B]

What is that? It feels a little insinuative.

[D]

This isn't a story.

[B]

What. What is the story?

[D]

The story is that women are traveling more and so they're gonna chaperone to me.

[B]

Suggests some sort of supervisor.

[D]

Oversight.

[B]

Overseeing.

[D]

So they're not getting sex or whatever.

[B]

Yeah, well, like it goes right to sex every. I'm the chaperone. Everything but.

[C]

I know it's action here, but that's fine with me.

[B]

Excuse me. Daryl. Did you jizz. That's fine. Just keep it out over the. He's got. You got the little pointer thing. No, no, no.

[D]

Over the pants.

[B]

No, no. Leave room for the holy ghost down there. You two. 69 if you must. There'll be no insertion. 69 when we. 69. God. Giggles. Oh, he has a laugh. He's like. That wasn't how I drew this up at all. You people will figure anything out. Scamps.

[D]

There are also thousands of men traveling over interesting routes who would only. Who would only be too glad to pay. Pay liberally. A guide or imparter of information.

[B]

I'm going to go ahead and advise these women traveling to not take that job.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

I'd like to pay for you to come on my vacation and make sure I'm okay. That I'm a good boy.

[C]

Baby, you'll be coming on my vacation, if you know what I mean.

[B]

Finally. I'm not the only one coming on my vacation. Secret. I probably will be the only one coming. I. I believe the female orgasm to be a myth, much like the underwater world of Atlantis.

[D]

No, that one's real.

[B]

You'll be drier than Atlantis. Go ahead, Claire.

[C]

The lady. So it's a lady for lady. And then they're also bringing up men for men in this. It's kind of.

[D]

Yeah, the whole. The whole story.

[B]

Hiring a male chaperone is funny. If it's. If it's a guy. I mean, it is. It is like friend prostitution. They're.

[D]

They're saying that men traveling would also like a woman.

[B]

That's what I thought. Okay, so they're paying. That's why I flag it.

[D]

That's an escort?

[B]

Well, in the man's mind, he's like, I hired a. I'm courting a woman for the summer on my trip.

[C]

She's literally just escorting me. She's just escorting me?

[B]

Yeah, she's an escort. This completely sounds like something my dad right now would tell me he got kind of caught up in. And I'd be like, how much have you paid this lady friend? He'd be like, just $5,000. But she's my best friend. And then I'd like, talk to her and be like, hey, yeah, you had a good run. Get out. Get out of his life.

[C]

I work as a nanny, and that's kind of what my job is. Like, the mom just sits all day, and I'm just sort of like, hey, how are you? What are you doing?

[B]

Oh, that's great.

[C]

Where do you work as a nanny in the Hollywood Hills.

[B]

And are you your friends with the nanny fam? The nanny mother. She just likes to have you around, hanging.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

So the mom. The mom's there, but you're doing the mom work? Is that how it's.

[C]

Yeah. She's like, I got. I love being a mom. And I'm like, do you. Because I'm breastfeeding right now.

[B]

Seems like I gotta get on each tit. Let me ask you this. Since you're in the business, why can't I hire a nanny if I have no kids? Because I've run into that a bunch.

[C]

Any. Any woman who comes into your house and says, you can't do that, She's. She's trying to keep women down. You know what I mean? It should be equal or trickle pay. And. And I'm running for president on that.

[B]

Thank you. I would love to join, but I'm already spoken for. I have a group. We're dip people. And it's going really good.

[D]

You're white people.

[B]

We're dip people. If you say it to me again, I will fight you. Sorry, Claire. This is earlier stuff coming out.

[D]

And it ends with this. Here is a capital field for shrewd fellows with less dollars than knowledge.

[B]

Felt like that would be a colon. There's nothing after that.

[D]

I don't know what that means. With less dollar than knowledge.

[B]

So men are smarter than they're worth. Or men.

[D]

Yeah, they're. They're men who don't. Who are smart but don't have a lot of money is what they're saying.

[C]

So take men, you guys. The men who are wanting. The lady chaperones are both dumb and poor. It's like you don't know the area and you don't have the money to do it.

[B]

I feel like you're right. I feel like it is prepping for when the man's like, by the way, I can't offer you as much as I originally said for this summer vacation.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Why don't you come with me as a friend?

[C]

I have.

[B]

I've got.

[C]

I've got a. A lot of.

[B]

I got a lot to offer. I offer thanks outside of money and friendship, by the way, I want to be clear that again, I do believe the female orgasm was invented and it's not possible. Just want to be clear.

[D]

What's the point?

[B]

Look, when I'm done, it's over. No.

[C]

Procreation.

[D]

A preacher convicted of misconduct.

[B]

What?

[D]

The Reverend M. Hansen of the Methodist Church, who has been on trial for all the week before a ministerial board for alleged misconduct was this morning convicted. This does not throw him out of the church, however, as he can now make a contest before the conference.

[B]

That's interesting. I was going to read because I was about to do a little bit, Claire and I. I love a bit. I'm a big bit.

[D]

He likes comedy.

[B]

But I wanted to read this comment that Preston found somewhere about me. It was on a clip we posted in the Notorious Lightning. Said this would have been interesting if you didn't have the goofy guy doing silly voices and drawn out sketches.

[D]

I agree with that.

[B]

Which is a hurtful. That's hurtful, right, Claire, can we just

[C]

hear the newspaper, please?

[B]

That's called reading a newspaper from the 1920s. That's. That podcast exists. It's the paper. Interesting.

[D]

No, no. No idea of what he did or no, nothing.

[C]

Yeah. Because I'm immediately like, oh, this is good. So he touched kids. It's got to be the same crime.

[D]

Yeah. Right.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, it could have.

[B]

Well, they grift financially as well. Let's not sleep on that one. I mean, Joel Osteen, like some plumber, went to Joel Osteen's house and moved the toilet and found $150,000 stashed in the wall. So. But there it is. It's an end. I. But my mind does as well. My mind goes to some sort of miss sexual misgivings. It had to be Mr. Givings.

[D]

What else? What else would they care about?

[B]

And I'm not doing a silly voice.

[C]

Yeah. Keep it professional, please. Yeah. What if it was like art forgery?

[B]

Yeah, that would be refreshing. It's just like he stole pool water and said it was holy.

[D]

They can make it holy by. They do it.

[C]

They do it themselves.

[B]

I've not read those printouts. I would love to get my eyes on those.

[D]

Claire was raised in a church.

[B]

Were you.

[D]

She doesn't have parents.

[C]

Yeah, I was raised, actually, by two little church mice. And the whole time I go, hey, guys, a little bit of cheese? And they would say, no, no, you're kind of big enough. And I went, well, that's because you guys are mice and I'm a human. And they said, get out of here.

[B]

And were they. Were your mice parents upset about the wedding thing? That we're going to see a clarification on June 6?

[C]

But they. They understood. He was like a little. He was like a little rat boy. So they were like, well, you know,

[B]

you're a m. Deep, right?

[D]

Okay. Yeah. They don't like rat mice and rats don't. Not anymore.

[C]

I like sharks and t. They used to.

[B]

By the way, you know what I found out recently?

[D]

What?

[B]

Rats. Very playful. I don't think we should be killing them. I think we should be incorporating them into our worlds. Thank you.

[D]

Have you heard of the Black Plague, you dumbass.

[C]

Thank you. Thank you.

[B]

Why has it got to be black? Why has it got to be black?

[D]

That's just the name of it. Because.

[B]

Oh, yeah. And keep perpetuating.

[D]

Turned your underarms black.

[B]

Turned your underarms black. And what's wrong with that? What's wrong with that? You don't want to be black. No.

[D]

It's part of you dying. It's the death process.

[B]

Oh. Oh, so. Oh, well, now you're just saying it out loud.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

It's the death process.

[D]

Yes.

[C]

And that's the Black Death.

[D]

That turns you.

[B]

That is. That. Is that. Now that's what I've been talking about. It's not over a nice dip.

[D]

What?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

No.

[B]

Oh, yeah. We're doing it at a bread bowl. It's a whole thing. I love a bread bowl.

[D]

Are you confusing Maga with Panera?

[B]

I'm confusing a bunch of stuff.

[D]

Are you confusing Maga with Panera?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

And did you know in St. Louis, it's called St. Louis Breadco? It's not called Panera.

[D]

What the just happened? What are you talking about? Is that true? That can't be real.

[C]

No. I went to St. Louis, and they said, oh, you want to go to St. Louis? Breadkill? And I walked in, I went, this is a Panera. And they said, that's what we call it here. And I went. This place.

[B]

They were like, bite. Bite your tongue. This is not a Panera. This is a St. Louis bread company. Now, would you like a red pepper soup and a sandwich that you eat at a big event?

[D]

I've never been in a Panera.

[C]

What?

[D]

Here's why.

[B]

Crazy.

[D]

Because I found out that they. All the food they make, they like, ship it in bags, buddy. And I couldn't take.

[B]

That's everywhere. Honestly. I mean, this guy. Wait, you think you're better than bags?

[D]

Hold on. I want to know.

[B]

We're all eating from bags. Hot shows.

[D]

Are you talking about chips?

[C]

You never have choice.

[D]

Wait, Claire, are you talking about ivs?

[B]

Hey, she's talking about what she's talking about bag hater.

[C]

Yeah, talking about iv. Good lord of an IV in you.

[B]

It's so funny. They come in and you just got the IV in your mouth.

[C]

Claire.

[B]

Jesus Christ. Am I at a Panera? Claire, I think I'm in a Panera.

[D]

All right, we're moving past.

[B]

All right.

[D]

That story was terrible. There's no information. That's a big black mark, Preston.

[B]

Oh, black mark being negative. That's interesting.

[C]

Why couldn't it be?

[B]

That's interesting. White mark is good to you.

[C]

Oh,

[B]

100%. 100%.

[D]

You're not mad?

[B]

Excuse me, Ms. Parks, get up. I want to sit on the bus. You piece of. You pieces. What? Oh, but that's a black mark. Don't want that one. And I'm mega.

[D]

I know.

[C]

I.

[B]

No, actually, I think I like Panera. I think we already. I think we did that. Yeah.

[D]

You like Panera. The pastimes is brought to you by him. Sexual health.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Look, Ed, it's a lot more common than guys think. Millions. Millions of guys are dealing with it. Millions of guys just having a. A soft time out there. And that's exactly why hims offers straightforward way to deal with it. Not. It's super easy, which is.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Just not having to go in and talk to someone and talk to someone.

[B]

Back in the day, they used to put you on a horse and send you out of town.

[D]

Right.

[B]

Now you can just kind of. You can figure it out.

[D]

Yeah. You're not banished.

[B]

Figure it out. Yes.

[D]

And you can come back to your lady or your fellow or whatever your. Whatever you got there. You just go, whatever. Look at this pony.

[B]

Who cares? Yeah.

[D]

And stare at them and be like,

[B]

look, I think that the point is that they offer a lot of Maybe point at it.

[D]

Maybe run around a little bit.

[B]

Enough. This is a way to. This is a discreet way to get the solve. And, you know, I mean, Take care

[D]

of this stuff or salve.

[B]

Go get.

[D]

I actually say. You say go get the salve, baby.

[B]

This is a confidence build building thing and you shouldn't feel bad. It's, you know. But get some help. HIMS is there for.

[D]

Look, it connects you with licensed healthcare providers online. It gives you simple access to legitimate.

[B]

And we sit in on those. Dave and I sit in on those. Not a lot of people know that Dave and I are in on those. And I don't do anything the whole time.

[D]

That's all I do is wink. It's good.

[B]

I just, I just go, oh, that could be.

[D]

So while there are no, no awkward appointments or pharmacy lines, but it is a little bit weird with me. You bet you. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

But seriously, it's straightforward, transparent, designed to make getting care feel easy. You can get prescriptions generic through HIMS at up to 95% less than a name brand version. So to get simple online access to personalized affordable care for ED, weight loss and more, visit hims.comdollop that's hims.comdollop for your free online visit himss.comdollop Prescription required. See website for details and important safety information. Sildenavel is the generic version of Viagra. Viagrapher is a registered trademark of Viatris Specialty llc. HIMS Incorporated is not affiliated or endorsed by Viatris Specialty llc.

[B]

Oh, sweet baby. Dave, listen, you know how news is. We're basically a news show and it's overwhelming. Okay? But this is different. News is non stop. It's. It's coming at you all the time. You know what it's like living in this day and age. I do.

[D]

I live here.

[B]

One hour you're talking about one thing. The next hour you've completely forgotten about that thing because your brain cannot catch up.

[D]

You know we need Gareth, say it. A podcast.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

That is not panic inducing. It slows things down.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

I'm talking about Stateside with Kai and Carter.

[B]

That's exactly what I was going to say.

[D]

It's a Guardian podcast.

[B]

Stateside with Kai and Carter airs three times per week because there's always something to discuss. Kai and Carter get access to the Guardians resources in the US and reporters around the world. And David, they deliver the most relevant information right to you.

[D]

We should say it's journalists Kai Wright and Carter Sherman, but we're talking global

[B]

content across news, international coverage, climate, culture, sports, lifestyle, fashion, wellness. And they're not billionaire owned over there at the Guardian, Dave, which is something you and I can get behind.

[D]

I like that. So Kai and Carter wrestle with all the questions we have. What's going on in the world. So listen, wherever you get your podcasts or watch on YouTube, stateside with Kai and Carter, Police and criminal. That's the headline.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

It's a terrible headline. Hey, cab.

[B]

Is that Claire? You only do a cab in a foreign voice. Yeah, yeah. I didn't say it.

[D]

I'm not a drunk. Arrested last night.

[B]

I've been arrested for not being drunk.

[D]

Yeah,

[C]

like, get drunk or I'm gonna arrest you for this one.

[B]

Yeah, I'm not drunk.

[D]

I think this is short for vagrants. 17 vags found shelter at the police station last night.

[B]

That is a great way of putting it.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

So I slept at the police station last night.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Yep. By choice. Not drunk. Oh, what a bed.

[D]

You're vag.

[B]

I'm a vag.

[D]

Or maybe it's vags.

[B]

I'm a vag. I'm a vag. I slept at the police station last night for not being drunk. I'm a vag.

[D]

They come fast.

[B]

I'm a vagrant.

[D]

This is where we got from.

[B]

This it? Ah, so.

[D]

So it was today. It'll be 17 for shelter.

[B]

Yo. 17? Just. That's like a Boston paper.

[C]

17,

[D]

Vince. Venice. Sorry? Venice Trombley, charged with being a comma drunkard. Was given a good lecture.

[B]

Entourage.

[D]

I don't know.

[B]

Okay. It feels like it could be.

[D]

Was given a good lecture by Judge Mangan this morning and allowed to go. There is a commitment for him. Okay. There's a commitment for him which will be served the first time he disobeys the injunctions laid down by his honor. Okay, so he's on parole, right? He got paroled.

[B]

Sure.

[D]

For being drunk.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

This is not a story.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Why.

[B]

Why can't you be drunk then? This is 18.

[D]

Well, there was definitely back then a lot of. A lot of ordinances again, being drunk. There's a big. The temperance movement went on forever until they finally got made it illegal.

[B]

It was like abortion. It was. Yeah, it was okay.

[C]

And now. Now he cares about abortion.

[B]

No more just.

[D]

I love abortion.

[B]

But man, those. Those Democrats that day it happened,

[D]

the

[B]

amount of texts I got that day.

[D]

Oh, there is a lot of money

[B]

where they texted me.

[D]

And now it's legal.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Anyway, the text. Snake in.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

A snake in love.

[B]

Oh, I like that.

[D]

Now you're interested.

[B]

Very.

[D]

A Nebraska man who tries to beat Manhattan. Omaha Herald. Among the many guests at the Millard yesterday was Judd Webb of Fremont in. Speaking of the city where he resides. He stated that it never before was so prosperous as it is today, and that the future for it is a brilliant one.

[B]

Who understands what's happening. Okay.

[C]

I was gonna say, guys, I feel like you brought me on the show as a prank, like, because I've never felt dumber in my life.

[D]

Good.

[B]

I was like, who understands what's going on?

[D]

I don't really.

[C]

What?

[B]

You sold. You promised a snake.

[C]

Where was the.

[B]

I was. We were promised a snake.

[C]

Two snakes kissing or a snake kissing a man. And I didn't hear a single rattle about that in there.

[B]

I could show you.

[D]

I didn't even think about two snakes kissing.

[B]

They're in love.

[C]

Right.

[B]

What was the headline?

[D]

But I. Oh, Claire's doing it.

[C]

It's for the visual.

[B]

Yeah, I've seen that.

[D]

I was singing A snake kissing a man. Or what about a lady kissing a snake?

[B]

It's getting into a strange turn. No comment anymore. Yeah, I'm not. See ya.

[D]

What about a lady?

[B]

You're becoming problematic putting a snake in her. This is the episode where you get canceled. Excuse me.

[C]

He brought on this young, vulnerable comedian called.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And then he was like.

[B]

She just.

[C]

Have you ever seen a lady kiss a snake before?

[B]

I just look over and this is all written down by, like, handwriting. Gareth, you should leave for a while now. Anyway. Also, it says, your ladies kiss snakes.

[D]

Industries of many kinds are growing up and business of every kind is increasing. Webb is a very genial and bright conversationalist. Just such as naturally found among hotel

[B]

men and owing I liter, really, don't I. I think it's a wash. I don't understand what's happening.

[D]

It's a guy who's like, I live in New York and it's great. That's what's happening. Yesterday he told. It's really dumb. Yeah, Well, I hope we get there.

[B]

There's no snake. I'm gonna kill Preston.

[D]

Yesterday he told a Herald reporter a peculiar and wonderful snake story.

[B]

Ah, okay. Bury the lead. Yeah, yeah. He said, you want to see a snake with an ear? And then he turned one pocket inside out and did his zipper down

[D]

once. One that would hardly be believed by many if it were not for the fact that Mr. Webb is a greatly esteemed and respected by all who for his stern integrity. We're building up, are we? We're trying to say this is a crazy snake story. So the guy it's coming from is an honorable and in man with integrity. That's what we're doing. We're building up the man. So you'll believe the snake portion of this because just watch.

[C]

And then the snake portion is just gonna be like. And then the snake bit me and it. And it went away.

[B]

It's like I saw a snake in a bush.

[D]

Yeah, there was a snake.

[B]

There was a snake over there two days ago.

[D]

He said, quote. I suppose never has there been a

[B]

more better candidate to tell us a snake story.

[D]

Quote. I suppose you will hardly believe this story, but nonetheless, it is true as a gospel. I have seen and talked with all the parties interested in and in fact, am personally acquainted with them. It is.

[B]

Let's go.

[D]

This. This is crazy. Oh, my God. It's really long. It is the only case of the kind ever known. The devotion is that of a boa constrictor 30ft long, who seemingly has reasoning powers.

[B]

Here we go.

[D]

Understands language and sleeps on the hearth r of a home.

[B]

All right.

[D]

Keeps the house free from rats and mice and follows his master about the house like a dog.

[B]

And now, by the way, I'm. Allow me to apologize to this article because this is. Because now we have a dog snake.

[D]

This is the best snake ever.

[B]

I'm back.

[D]

By the way, when I lived in New York, every six months there was a story in the paper about some guy in. In an apartment in the Bronx getting killed by a boa constrictor. It happened all the time. It's insane how common it is. Every six months another guy got killed by.

[B]

Well, it's gotten worse under Zoron. I mean, he's completely that city up now. You got. You got so many. We've never had more wall snakes in that town. And those grocery stores, where are they?

[D]

Thank you. Someone had to say, good Lord. The huge serpent is today the property of Reverend Gorham Nail. Now arrest some 20 years ago, missionary in Africa. So we're putting it together now.

[C]

That's where he got this snake.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

It'd be hilarious if he didn't. He came back and brought it in the pet shop in Brooklyn.

[B]

Yeah, right.

[D]

It seems that shortly before leaving Africa, he went into his house one morning and stepping into the kitchen, he was horrified at finding a little child fondling on the floor with a young serpent.

[C]

Another story about a priest fondling and kids.

[D]

A lot of fondling going on.

[B]

I don't love the terminology. You know, I came home and saw a kid fondling a serpent. That was what they. They used to call it Neverland Ranch. I gotta bring it back.

[C]

Gotta bring this to America.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

The two were caressing each other like lovers.

[B]

Good Lord.

[C]

What the.

[B]

What the. No, no. What.

[C]

Is that for real? Is that what it actually says?

[D]

That's what it says, yeah.

[B]

I swear to God, if he's making that word up. If he's. That sentence is made up. Dave is on a watch list.

[D]

I really. That's really. There.

[B]

That is a crazy. So he comes home, the kid and the snake are getting it on.

[C]

I'm a good guy, guys. I promise.

[B]

I'm a good guy.

[C]

I'm a good guy. But there was a kid and a snake. Let me. Like lovers, but it wasn't me.

[B]

Let me lay out some credentials as to why. What I'm about to say is.

[D]

Okay, call me good guy. Jimmy.

[B]

I'm happily married. I love an adult woman. We're in a very, very monogamous relationship.

[C]

My wife is 18. I promise.

[B]

Anyway, I came home one day and saw a boy, a snake. Do you understand? Do you understand? And now that snake's my friend's dog.

[D]

There seemed to be no harm in it, and he kept the serpent in his family, and it soon became domesticated.

[B]

Imagine walking in on what you just described and being like, I don't see a problem.

[D]

It's insane.

[C]

It's totally legal.

[D]

You're part of the family now.

[C]

Against it.

[D]

Now, you know what? I got to say this. Now that you've been inside my son, welcome to the family.

[B]

Oh, boy. He's a boy constrictor.

[C]

Yes.

[D]

It grew rapidly, and Today it is 30ft in length and has the power to crush an ox.

[B]

Well, the fair. Could it. Oh, my God. Yeah. They're insane. They're insane.

[D]

But would it. Would they? Would they?

[B]

Well, I mean, if you set the state of the circumstances properly. Yeah. No, no, not. Yeah. Well, yeah, with Ozempic, by the way, a lot of snakes are losing weight with Bozempic. Have you seen that?

[D]

Stop. And perhaps an elephant could be something

[B]

that could be in the show. Perhaps an elephant.

[D]

Maybe not an elephant.

[B]

30ft. These things, they're all muscle. Huh?

[D]

An elephant.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

No.

[B]

Yes. No. We're sponsored by Claude.

[C]

Claude, could you bring up.

[D]

What's the. What's Joe Rogan's Persnicket he has.

[B]

I could never get it right. Perplexity, perplexity, put it in. Hey, let's get an answer on reality from perplexity.

[D]

Hey, Perplexity, Hey.

[B]

Perplexity. Can a man look like a finger?

[D]

And that's why there's some. That's why the fact that men can look like fingers is why I left.

[B]

You know, there's actually a snake who's hosting a podcast just like that. But the Bo Rogan Experience.

[D]

You can stop.

[B]

That's the Joe Bow again.

[D]

I can absolutely guarantee no one is happy, Right?

[B]

There's a couple. There's a couple.

[D]

People are enjoying it since it was taken into the snake joke.

[C]

More snake joke, please.

[B]

I'll tell you what, I'll tell you who's not loving it is my main man, Notorious Lightning. He didn't love it. He doesn't love what I do.

[D]

Set. Where was that comment? Was it on Reddit or something?

[B]

I don't know. It's very funny for Preston to just be like, hey, here's a guy who hates your guts.

[D]

It's very funny, though.

[B]

It was funny.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

For you.

[D]

Since it was taken into the family, it has never shown a savage disposition in any way.

[B]

But, I mean, that's what Siegfried and Roy would always say about their tigers. They wouldn't hurt me.

[D]

Yeah. You know? And why? Did something happen with that?

[B]

Well, a wild animal is tame until it isn't.

[C]

Yeah. And then it's like, sorry, I just. I. I know we've been hooking up for a couple of months, but I think I just got to see you more as a friend. And you're like, you said you would never hurt me.

[B]

You know, I raised you as a boy. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. No, and trying to break up with a snake is hard.

[D]

I see you more as a pet.

[B]

Yeah. I. I want to kind of convert this into, like, owner pet thing. What? Like, takes off his reading glasses? What are you talking about?

[D]

What in God's name are you talking in?

[B]

Honey, the casserole's almost done. Hey, Todd. Sit down. Mm. It's hard for me to do that. I don't have the bone structure coil.

[D]

In 1870, the Reverend Nail returned to his country with his family and brought the large serpent with him.

[B]

That's wild.

[D]

The bow has been fed on milk, gruel, and rabbits. I mean, that's quite a trio.

[B]

Gruel is not on anyone's side. I mean, what is gruel? It's just like a paste of.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's like a kind of watery, porgy watery. Just like when you're starving, you'll have it.

[D]

That's the thick, cold soup.

[B]

Are we gonna get back to gruel?

[D]

Yeah, it's basically. It's a wheat in milk.

[B]

It's like. But instead of hearty, they're like. It'll fill them up.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like if paper mache was heated.

[D]

That's Right.

[B]

Like the paper mache liquid,

[D]

but does not have the ravenous appetite that appearances would suggest. As it grew older, became more domesticated. And today it is the slave and pet of the child who grown to be a woman. So would you like to see my slave feed. Feed my. Here, take this rabbit and feed it to my slave.

[B]

All right, let's. All right, now, let's. Let's do this. Let's play a little game, okay? And the game is. If you saw this on the dodo Instagram, would you like this story? Because I like this story.

[D]

What's the dodo Instagram.

[B]

What's dodo?

[C]

I was like, this must be a dodo. What's dodo?

[B]

It is a mega thing.

[D]

Claire is also dota.

[B]

Is a bird that we believe is not extinct. No, it's like an animal. It's like an animal. Feel good, Page. The dodo.

[D]

Are you serious? It's just called the dodo?

[B]

Yeah, you've seen their work.

[C]

But if you stage four idiots. That's why they call it the Dodo.

[D]

13 million followers.

[B]

Yeah, it's huge. Now, let's say. Let's say you hear like, with of cool guitar, like. Like a little like acoustic guitar. A story of a boy who met a snake. And from the very beginning, the boy and the snake kind of hit it off. And now the boy is a man, and the snake and the boy are buddies.

[D]

Now, did we see early video of the snake?

[B]

Well, pictures.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, like the lover period, when they're.

[B]

Like when the boys found the snake's. No, but it's like you. You. The. You know, the. Yeah, you. You see some pictures and then it's updated. And then the guy's sitting on the couch with the snake and they're like watching, you know, some on tv.

[D]

Do they cut to the funeral one where they're taking the snake?

[B]

You're out. Claire, you're. You're any heartwarming nature to this story at all.

[C]

Well, actually read at the end of the newspaper article that the woman. That the child grew into a woman. So is it like a trans thing? It wasn't a boy and then it's a woman. Or was it a girl?

[D]

Oh, died. Maybe the snake or into him. Yeah. And you know what? I don't think it ever said that it was a boy. I think we just assumed it was like that riddle.

[B]

This is like the riddle.

[D]

I think you're right about that.

[B]

The doctor. The doctor was a woman.

[D]

The doctor was a woman. Yeah. It doesn't say. I think we just jumped to that conclusion because we could never. We could never envision a snake and a young lady.

[B]

Preston, do us a favor. When you're editing this, use Claude to make it sound like we thought it could be either a boy or a girl.

[C]

A boy or girl?

[B]

A boy or a girl? Thank you, Claude. Yeah, just put it exactly. Just put an or girl after every boy. And I'd like to be the one who says or girl. Does anyone have an issue with that? I really. Hey, I see myself as an ally out there.

[D]

I'm fine with it.

[B]

Mega empathy.

[D]

Yeah, it just says little child. That's all it said.

[B]

Okay. No, it said boy. It said boy. Boya constrictor. It said.

[D]

You said it. And that's why everyone got in the head.

[B]

Oh, man. Preston, when you use. Claude, cut out this part.

[D]

Okay. A peculiar instance of its devotion is told. A few years ago, its mistress had been away from home on a three week.

[B]

Why does it keep doing it?

[C]

Well, it's a slave and mistress situation. It's kind of. What?

[B]

Yeah. Really? Yeah.

[D]

It really wants us to believe that this is the lady's lover.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, sort of.

[C]

And the B in BDSM stands for Boa constrictor.

[B]

Yeah. There we go. Yes. Yes.

[D]

When she returned to the house, the serpent recognized her at once and crawling to her shoulders, he rested its ugly head on her back.

[B]

Brick writer ugly.

[C]

Yes.

[D]

She had hard work to dislodge it, and it seemed that he was trying to kill her. At some point, he feared that she would leave.

[B]

Oh, he go. The hug he gave her. Oh, he hadn't seen her in a while. And oh, the hug. You've never seen a boa constrictor hug like this.

[C]

It's like, like open mouth kisser, too.

[B]

Oh, he's open mouth kiss.

[D]

It's like, I, I, I've missed you for three weeks without food.

[B]

He was putting what we call miss you holes in her throat.

[D]

It seemed that he feared that she would leave the house again. This is the longest time the two had been separated. A few years ago, the parents of the young lady died, and last year she was married. One of the stipulations of the union being that she would not be separated from her huge pet.

[B]

What a weird. That's a wild Will moment. Now that we're gone, we're gonna tell you who gets everything. Also, make sure that Grace stays with the snake.

[D]

Frank Buckland of the London Zoological Garden association in writing of this case, states that it is the only one known an Affection between human being and a great serpent.

[B]

Well, there we go.

[D]

I don't know what just happened.

[B]

I like it.

[D]

It. You do like the story?

[B]

I do like the story.

[C]

Yeah. It's like otters holding hands. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, it's. Yeah, it's a feel gooder.

[D]

What the just happened?

[B]

She said it's like otters holding hands.

[D]

Yeah, otters hold hands. Or are you watching AI videos?

[C]

No, that's. That's one of those dodo facts. That's one of those. It's like otters, when they're floating down the stream, hold hands so that they don't get separated.

[B]

They do. Yep.

[C]

You got to be on the dodo. You got to get on dodo.

[B]

Get on dodo.

[D]

Yeah. I'm not dodoing.

[B]

Do the dodo.

[D]

Dota. Sounds suspicious.

[B]

Well, look, I'll tell you one thing. You need them more than they need you. Thank you. Thank you.

[D]

Ryan.

[B]

Won't they're gonna miss you. 13.1 million.

[D]

Okay, this is our. This is. Do you know Preston at all, or did he just reach out to you?

[C]

I just reached out to me.

[D]

Okay, well, then this is. This is Ryan. Sorry, this is Preston. This headline is Ryan won't marry her. Wow, he's really going at Claire.

[C]

He said, I found this article and then I just kind of made up an AI woman. He's like, I called off wedding. Need to one woman show. Bring me on podcasts.

[D]

It is about settled that Ensign Ryan will not marry Minnie Parsons, the young lady who was alleged he had abducted.

[B]

Jesus Christ. What the he.

[C]

And now that I know her, I'm not interested.

[D]

Men.

[B]

Men. Men are. Men are fascinating. I stole her and now I want out.

[D]

Now that I've been arrested, I'm calling

[B]

your to your hostage. Like, I think we should go our separate ways. I just don't think this is working out. You're. You're. I just think we're different. And we've grown apart over the past year and a half in this cellar.

[D]

I just didn't think there'd be this much talking.

[B]

I think I'm going to let you go. I think I'm gonna let you go. I want to. I want to take other people.

[D]

The. The lieutenant has decided to pursue this course, and his friends say he will stick to his determination, even though the matter has to be taken to the courts for settlement. Ms. Minnie herself is very much agitated and wants to return to New York tomorrow in order to reserve her engagement with the Duff Opera Company on Monday.

[B]

What the.

[D]

She was literally kidnapped she wants to go work. She's.

[B]

I don't know if it's going to work. I mean, she's just so hung up on that life. I stole her from every. She's got one foot in the hostage situation and one foot in the big city where she was.

[D]

Every time I unlock the bedroom door, she tries to bolt.

[B]

Oh, she's so crazy. Talk about mixed signals. She's chloroformed. She wants to leave. Pick a lane.

[D]

It is said she is inclined to drop the suit against the young naval officer, but to this, her parents object. They want to push the case to the bitter end. Man, this is.

[B]

That's.

[D]

This is. We need way more backstory.

[B]

Yeah, I agree. Yeah.

[D]

Like, this is really crazy.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Let me just see if there's any.

[B]

Are you looking it up?

[D]

I'm just gonna look.

[B]

This guy called it off. You called off your ceremony, Claire? Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, I did. Yeah.

[B]

How long ago was that?

[C]

Five months ago.

[B]

Five months ago.

[D]

Five months.

[B]

That is recent. That answer did surprise me. Okay. The show. The show is a must see. It went from a go to it to a must see for me.

[C]

Look at these eyes.

[B]

It went. These are crazy. Yeah. Yeah. They are not blinking. And I'm getting sued AI.

[C]

Someone. My ex fiance's mom is suing me for a lot of money for kidnapping it.

[B]

So. So I need the ticket. If that actually got real, I was about to be like, I will be, but I will be tailgating the show on June 6th.

[C]

But she. She did. June six. She. She did say, you got to give the ring back. I was gonna give the ring back no matter what.

[B]

I said, I'll give the ring back

[C]

when he gives me back the Christmas ornament. And she said, I'm calling the cops if you don't come give the ring back right now. So.

[B]

Really, did you get the ornaments back?

[C]

Yeah, I did.

[B]

Good. They must have been fantastic ornaments.

[C]

You know what? They're not. They're. They're kind of grabs.

[D]

You just wanted those things.

[C]

I just wanted them. I wanted the stocking that said well hung. I. I need it. Sorry.

[B]

Now that. That. You can't put a price tag on that. That is a priceless item.

[D]

You literally can't.

[B]

It'll fall off.

[C]

It's three. It was 349, actually, but. But to me, it was worth the world.

[B]

Well, I'll tell you what. You never know because you can't put a price tag on that material. They do fall off. Adhesive does not work on something like wool. What do you got Dave.

[D]

Oh, it's great. Insign, Ryan. You want to know what AI says?

[B]

I can't wait.

[D]

NCIS Season 13, Episode 8 in the.

[B]

Oh, this is an NCIS paper.

[D]

Character Tinosio and McGee investigate the kidnapping of doctors in Sudan A n a Navy surgical tech ensign. I thought this was a feature in this episode's contest.

[B]

I thought this was a studio. We should all ask ourselves this. They've made 45 CSIS and none of us have been on it. What is this business? I can't.

[C]

I was a dead body.

[D]

Have you.

[B]

Were you guys.

[C]

I'm lying, guys.

[D]

Oh, that have been so good if

[B]

that was a good performance.

[D]

I wanted to be a dead body on one of those shows.

[B]

I've told my story. It's not even worth getting into. The first job I got offered was on, honestly, was on ncis, and. And I went in for this. I rehearsed, like. I worked real hard on this one, and I had two callbacks for it. And then my agent was like, hey, they don't want you to play that one, but they want to offer you the part of a guy who's pretty much just a dead body. And I was like, okay. And then she was like, you have to be comfortable being naked on a gurney. And I was like, what? And then I. And I thought about it, and I was like, yeah, okay. And then she was like, oh, you're not. You're not SAG so they can't give it to you. And I was like, thanks for this, folk. What a great day I've had. Everything was bad.

[C]

Did you consider that maybe they saw your naked body? They're like, actually, no, tell him he's not so, like, tell him.

[D]

No, no, but that's good, because you don't look dead enough. That's nice.

[B]

Yeah, that's better.

[D]

He looks, too.

[B]

I don't like that, Claire.

[C]

She's got, like, behind his eyes.

[B]

Yeah, well, he keeps. He keeps blinking and asking when lunches. Which leads us back to the body, which we don't love, laying on the table.

[D]

No.

[B]

Why does he spoo. Why does he lay like that? I lay in, like, the spooning position. Stop shutting your thumb. You're dead. Yeah, just dripping. His table's cold. When's lunch? I could eat. A.

[D]

A sensational trial in Vienna.

[B]

Hell, yeah.

[D]

A sensational trial was heard at the Vienna criminal Court last week. The facts of the case are not devoid of interest to psychologists. In December last, a commercial traveler named Alfred Frankenstein. What are we doing?

[B]

Come on.

[D]

What are we doing.

[B]

Come on.

[C]

Wait, but when is this the same newspaper? When is it from? And when did Frankenstein come out?

[B]

It had to be 1800s. Mary Shelley probably wrote, I'm gonna guess right around this time. But this came out and this guy was probably like, oh, Christ.

[C]

Oh, there goes my.

[B]

Come on. Oh, come on. I've been Frankenstein for a long time and now everyone thinks I just have some guy's brain in my body.

[D]

It was 18. 18.

[B]

Yeah. So there you go. So Frankenstein had been while.

[C]

Okay, so this guy, he could have just. This guy was raised last night.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

You drop, you change. You just go with Frank at some point.

[B]

A Franken.

[D]

Franken.

[B]

Yeah, Al Franken.

[D]

You think Al Franken.

[B]

Go with Al Franken.

[D]

You think Al Franken was watching Frankenstein?

[B]

100%.

[D]

Yeah, you're right.

[B]

100%. Well, it's like me, my last name was Epstein, but I just changed it to ep. I'm. No, sorry. That's the other way around. My last name was ep. I added the stain because the guy for a while seemed like he was cooking.

[D]

You love Islands.

[B]

Love Islands, yeah. By the way, that's ironic. I don't love the show Love Island. Yeah, it's weird.

[C]

You don't love the show Love Island?

[B]

No, I did. I watched the show. I watched the first couple seasons and then I was like, I can't. I can't ever do this again. You watch it?

[C]

I. I used to. And then I got. Then I went, wait, I gotta live my life. I gotta.

[B]

Luke Dreams. A friend of ours who does a lot of stuff around our podcast just watches every season of it.

[D]

Really?

[C]

Yes, it's like an episode every day. It's a full time job watching that show.

[B]

And. And in nine countries.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Does he watch all the countries?

[B]

Yes, he watches all of them. He watches every Love Island. He got me into it and I was like, the first. The. The first, like, one, I was like, ah, this is pretty interesting. And then by the end, I was like, I don't really care anymore. And then I did it one more time and I was like, I'll never watch this again.

[C]

I might go on Love island now. Now that I'm single.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

I actually tried to swim. Swim to it. They shot me. Yeah, I jumped off a boat and tried to swim and they. They shot me with a couple.

[D]

You're not supposed to go there without vaccines.

[B]

Yeah, I ain't taking it.

[D]

In December last.

[B]

Yeah, I ain't getting tism.

[D]

That's right. In December last, a commercial traveler named Franken Al Frankenstein.

[B]

It is Al Frankenstein.

[D]

Alfred Frankenstein. It is Al Franken. Induced Julie Kernerth, a housemaid, to steal some diamonds. Robbie Dracula to steal some diamonds from her mistress, replacing them by imitation stones. Okay, so she swapped and Sally.

[B]

Creature from the Black Lagoon. I'll hyphenate.

[D]

Not even remotely listening to the story anymore. Just doing names. He said, in a minute he'll ask me something and I'll go. We said that, but you were doing

[B]

the funny voices and sketch.

[D]

In January, Frankenstein declared to his accomplice that the theft would probably be discovered during the Carnival.

[B]

Theft during Carnival. Found.

[D]

And that therefore, it would be advisable to abstract all the jewelry and feign a robbery, for which purpose he would discharge a revolver into the upper part of her arm.

[B]

Now, see, I like the idea that

[D]

I'm gonna shoot you.

[B]

May I have that very quickly? Because I do like the idea of a Frankenstein translator. Where, you know, Frankenstein is just like. Where the hell is this part of it? Oh, yeah. So where Frankenstein be like, Julie worried, and he's just like. Look, what Frankenstein's trying to say is that he thinks maybe in order to make it appear that she had been wounded by the resisting burglar, she consented to be shot in the arm, but fired at her breast.

[D]

Don't you think that that way should have a Frankenstein voice?

[B]

Left turn. Can I go right?

[C]

Interject for a second? Because it's. It's. Yes, it's Frankenstein's monster. And Frankenstein is always the doctor. You know, it's a very common misconception. He's Frankenstein's monster.

[B]

I can't believe I didn't want to say it, but.

[D]

Thank you.

[C]

That doesn't work at all.

[D]

No, he's. He's a disaster.

[B]

Can I say Thankenstein? Thank you. Thank you for doing that. Thank you. One of my favorite. That is one of my favorite things to say, you know, It's Frankenstein's monster. Frankenstein was the doctor. Not a lot of us. Not a lot of us remember. Frankenstein was the doctor. Do we remember, Frank the. The monster's name? Just Monster. Couldn't give him anything.

[C]

No, no, it's. It's Jim Peterson.

[B]

Biggin.

[D]

So he's. He's gonna.

[B]

Probably. Stinky would be a good one. No way. That guy smelled good.

[D]

He smelled great. He has her switch the jewels, and then he says he's going to shoot her in the upper part of the arm. The girl consented, but when the appointed day came, Frankenstein, after having taken all the valuables upon which he could lay his hands Shot straight into the woman's breast and left her for dead in the room.

[B]

Oh, that's not cool.

[D]

Well, that. That's how it works. No, that's how you do the thing.

[B]

I don't like it. I don't like it.

[C]

He took one last jewel. Her bosom.

[B]

I just.

[D]

See, I said, who's writing headlines in the 1888?

[B]

I agree. That is how it should have been done.

[C]

That's what they should have checked.

[B]

You know Why? I don't know why. Yeah, I just. Look, don't shoot breasts. I mean, that's my public service to the felt, to the. The tiny audience I've carved out in my life. Look, listen, don't shoot the breasts.

[D]

Cup them.

[B]

Just shoot. You could shoot the stomach.

[D]

Shoot the head.

[C]

Shoot the.

[B]

Not the breast.

[C]

Shoot the ovaries if you got a.

[B]

Actually, if I always shoot the ovaries. Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

No, I've been drinking. I should stop. I've had a couple pops. It's early.

[D]

She was found shortly afterwards, too.

[C]

Are you a Midwesterner? You said pop.

[B]

I'm Wisconsin.

[C]

Good. Okay.

[D]

He's a cheese cheese guy.

[B]

Cheeser. Love the cheese. Love a pop. Love a cheese. Put a little cheese in the pop. Don't worry about a thing.

[D]

Claire. Do you. Do you guys have cheese curds in Michigan?

[B]

Yes.

[D]

Yeah, because they're cheese curd and of course she likes.

[B]

Do you like cheese curds?

[C]

I love cheese curds, but my family is from Wisconsin, so it's. I can't claim for all of Michigan.

[D]

It's in the. It's in the blood.

[B]

Dave hates cheese curds. He hates on cheese. He just. Just.

[C]

You hate all cheese then, too?

[D]

It's wet cheese in a bag.

[B]

Wet cheese in a bag.

[D]

What is this panta that really Panera, by the way.

[B]

Time for Pantera to open up.

[C]

A Panera.

[B]

That's. That's what you just fell into, my friend here at Pantera Bread. There's witch hair in my suit. You're a Pantera.

[D]

Okay. She was found shortly afterwards, lying in a pool of blood, and was considered the victim of a daring robbery. A series of accidents, however, soon revealed the true state of affairs. Though the woman, after a recovery, tried hard to exculpate the man who had acted so treacherously towards her. Frankenstein has been sentenced to seven years penal servitude. The jury found him not guilty on the major count of attempted murder. What the fuck? That's, like, the number one charge that should be.

[B]

I. I think I name one thing that makes it sound like he tried to kill her.

[D]

He shot her in the breast.

[B]

Outside of that, he's bad.

[C]

He just has bad aim. You never. Oh, it's a crime of bad aim now.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry.

[D]

All right. I'm swayed.

[B]

Oh, I'm sorry. Good lord.

[D]

Now you put it down.

[B]

Is it illegal to be in love?

[D]

Wait, what?

[B]

Your honor. I rest my case. This is crazy.

[D]

The unfortunate girl herself has been condemned to two and a half years hard labor as an accomplice.

[B]

I mean, you gotta love it. You gotta what?

[C]

I kind of thought it was gonna be like. And the woman will be hanged for her crimes. So.

[B]

Because she's obviously a witch, a one titted witch.

[D]

It will be remembered that Frankenstein shot her in order to make it appear that she had been wounded in resisting burglars. She consented to be shot in the arm, but. But he fired at her breast. Yeah, we already knew that.

[B]

Yeah, but just keep saying breast. I love the word. I think sex sells. I think this is our last one. Claire, thoughts going into our last article? Any you want to talk about?

[C]

I. This is. This is the top things I would want to have. And I hope there's 16 breast mentions. If that's not included, I'm going to sign out before it even

[B]

now I just want to see a snake with a bunch of have boobs on it. Am I the only one? Snake?

[C]

Come on, that's milking.

[D]

Yeah, I love a milking snake. Dave, I'm trying to grab a. Isolate that.

[B]

That can be helpful.

[D]

Unclean worshippers of banners of Panera Mispronouncing Banera paners. Baneras.

[B]

Banera.

[D]

Pantera.

[B]

Pantera. What is it?

[D]

B E N A R E S. Yeah, Banera banners. I'm sure someone will tell me it's wrong, you idiot. But also remember, I don't care. So that's the most important thing.

[B]

That goes for a lot of this.

[D]

I was watching a baseball game today and there are two brothers on the team and they pronounce their last name differently, which is the funniest. What the. But I just thought that it's so fun. What a hilarious thing to do to the press.

[B]

That is amazing.

[D]

At three of the Gats. G H A T S. G A

[B]

H T. Yeah, I've never heard of that.

[D]

I don't know what that is. Three of the Gats crematories were being made. At each of two there was one body being burned, but at the other five pyres were burning and two corpses were wrapped in white cloth, one lying with the lower limbs in the water to be cremated when the pile should be ready.

[B]

Hey, now, I'm a little lost here.

[D]

Should I miss the beginning of this?

[C]

What's going on? And the bodies are what? To be burned?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, this is a letter from somebody.

[B]

Oh, that's a cool letter to write. Dear paper, I've got a bunch of

[C]

bodies, they're soaking wet.

[B]

I got the hands in water. I'm ready to burn them pyre style.

[D]

A sewer from the city was emptying its reeking filthy sewage into the river not 20ft above the spot where the body was lying. And several bathers were gulping down great mouthfuls of the water about 10ft below the dead body. Strange infatuation.

[B]

Strange infatuation.

[D]

Well, I mean, have you ever. Buddy, have you ever.

[B]

What is that?

[C]

That sounds like.

[D]

Have you ever tasted water being filtered over a dead body? It's not bad.

[B]

Strange infatuation is a weird.

[C]

I've been to Panera, I've been to

[B]

Pantera, I've been to a Pana before.

[C]

Dead body water before.

[B]

Okay, I'll take. Can I have the dead body water in a bread bowl

[D]

not far from this.

[B]

Can you imagine that that happened at a hotel in Hollywood where it was like for 20 years people have been showering and then they, they went on the roof and they. I think it was like the Roosevelt or something. And they emptied. They. They were like cleaning it and they're like, there's a dead guy in here.

[D]

This is such a weird.

[B]

That's just my shower nightmare.

[C]

I would rather shower with that dead, dead person water and then drink it.

[B]

Though I couldn't agree more. Drinking it, I probably would be like, kill me.

[D]

Hey, what about neither?

[C]

No, you gotta do one you have to do.

[B]

I don't think you understand the game.

[D]

I'd prefer to not do.

[B]

Which would you rather?

[D]

I don't want to shower in the

[B]

dead guy or drink his water or kiss him.

[C]

Not kiss him on the water.

[B]

Kiss him.

[D]

Oh, I'm kissing the dead guy.

[C]

Look at this. The dead guy was a 13 year old boy. Like now you're a pedophile. No.

[B]

Or you gotta take a bite out of his juicy torso and chew it. Yeah, that's a weird. Yeah.

[D]

Not far from this and above it was a deep tank in which was a nasty compound. As one could imagine, it was say 15 by 30ft in dimension. Its waters had not been changed for months. Thousands have bathed in it and a great quantities of marigolds and other flowers, milk and confections are daily thrown into it as offering things until it looks as fetid as a cesspool. Yet dainty women, whose necks, arms and ankles were weighted down with the rarest jewels lay aside their outer garments of embroidered gauze and silk and have their

[B]

faces a very crazy story.

[D]

And rounded forms in the sinking slime and believe themselves washed from impurities. Carter Harrison's letter. This has got to be about India. But what the.

[B]

It's like the Ganges or something.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Which they say is highly polluted because

[D]

they still cruise around with dead bodies.

[B]

Yeah, I. I don't. I don't feel good. I don't know.

[D]

It's supposed to feel good.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Bad. That's bad.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Unclean. I feel like I gotta take a shower.

[B]

Yeah. But. Yeah, but then we're back to the quandary. Then you're showering dead guy.

[D]

Where is your ex fiance's body right now?

[B]

Dave, I don't think you're allowed to ask that.

[D]

That I assume that she murdered him.

[B]

Will that be revealed at the show on June 6?

[C]

Everyone's going to go take a big bath. And then I go, look what was in the water the whole time.

[D]

Did you send. Did you send an invitation to your almost mother in law?

[C]

Yeah. No, she has.

[B]

How close to the ceremony were you?

[C]

We were six months out. Six months out of.

[B]

It's tough. What a show, though.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, what a show.

[D]

I think everyone wants.

[B]

What about some people who say that you stag this whole wedding to get a good show out of it? What do you say to those people, your critics? Do you give them air?

[C]

Yeah. I would say no. No. I wanted a big wedding dress and a big show, you know, it wasn't just for the show. It was for.

[B]

You wanted it all.

[C]

I wanted.

[B]

Well, Claire, people can go to The Lyric Hyperion, June 6th. Follow you. What's your Instagram? What a hacky question. What's the answer?

[C]

It's at Creepster. Claire.

[B]

Her perfection as far as a handle goes. Claire, well done. Thank you for joining us on the show and everyone will see you June 6th at the Lyric Hyperion.

[D]

You're all going.

[C]

Everyone must thank you, Claire. Thank you for having me.