177 - The Past Times with James Fritz

Summary

The Dollop - Episode 177: The Past Times with James Fritz (June 5, 2026)

Episode Overview

This episode of "The Past Times" (a spin-off of "The Dollop") features hosts Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds joined by comedian James Fritz. Each week, the hosts and a guest read through a randomly selected historical newspaper, riffing with irreverent, absurd, and often dark humor on the bizarre tidbits of American history and the parallels (and divergences) with current times. The main theme revolves around outlandish 19th-century health advice, crime, social norms, and plenty of ad-libbed riffs about RFK Jr., weird animal biology, and more. (The episode uses coarse language and satire throughout.)

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Key Discussion Points & Notable Segments

Introductions & Banter

[00:30–04:45]

• Gareth introduces the premise—reading an old newspaper—while playfully mocking the tradition.
• James Fritz is hyped as the guest, with humorous digs:
  • "Are you a cop?" – James Fritz [01:02]
• Running gag about not knowing the year of the newspaper; James jokingly guesses "the year five."
• Extended bit about time not working linearly—aliens, privilege, and Star Trek/“Sex Trek” puns.

Discovering the Newspaper: Green Bay Gazette, April 28, 1897

[05:34–06:45]

• The chosen paper: Green Bay Gazette from 1897.
• Drifting into personal origin stories—James from Kentucky, recent Chicago/Bears fan, jokes about losing one’s virginity “in the back of a horse.”
• Running gags about the South and North, sexuality, and the absurdity of historical context.

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19th Century Medical Advice: The Piss Bottle Bit

[06:22–09:18]

• Quoting a newspaper item: "Fill a bottle of glass with urine, let it stand for 24 hours, any sediment indicates unhealthy kidneys."
• Riffing on DIY diagnostic medicine:
  • Dave: "When we run out of GoFundMe funders, this is American health care." [06:51]
  • James: “That's a better suggestion than anything RFK Jr. has suggested.” [06:56]
• Extended, outrageous riffs about “piss bottle” healthcare, RFK Jr., and raccoon penises.
• Parodying piss fetishists, pregnancy tests, and American DIY medicine.

Notable Quote

“This is a great time for piss fetishists”—Gareth [08:51]

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RFK Jr. & Raccoon Penises Bit

[09:37–18:10 & throughout]

• The running joke of RFK Jr. as an absurd madman obsessed with collecting and eating raccoon penises and other animal parts.
• Imaginary RFK Jr. snacks: “RFK Juniors Ra-dogs … you try the dill ones?” [10:00–10:07]
• Absurdist escalation: RFK described wandering in the woods, tracking raccoon penises, sucking his own raccoon tail, etc.
• Builds into a wild, surreal back-and-forth about animal biology and grotesque ad imagery.
• Portrayal of RFK Jr. as a "critter" and "unkillable Kennedy," doing everything from barrel-rolling down hills to eating garbage “to make me strong again.” [16:06]
• Mushrooming into general "critter" jokes, self-cannibalism, and inexplicably eating all things.

Memorable Moment

"He thinks he's a different Mario every day." —Gareth [18:44]

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Health, Rabies, and Early American "Science"

[29:31–31:55]

• A story about a baby being bitten by a cat that was previously bitten by a rabid dog—leads to tangents on rabies cures, anti-vax jokes, and quips about James’s experience with skunks under his house.
• Returns to recurring RFK Jr./critter gags around dealing with wildlife.

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Stolen Goods & Petty Burglary

[27:41–29:01]

• Report on local burglaries described as “petty,” leading to joking about burglars just stealing TV remotes and other minor annoyances.

Notable Banter

“That would be pretty fun, to break into people's houses and steal their TV remotes…it's small enough to believe it's still there.” —James [28:39]

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Odd Historical News: Extreme Marriages & Old Age

[34:23–35:33]

• Story of Michigan woman, Christina Buna Cassel, married 18 times by age 99 (her last spouse a much younger, probably gold-digging man).
• Comparison to Anna Nicole Smith’s famous case, love, and missed inheritance.

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Financial Scandals & "Making Good"

[35:53–38:15]

• A bank cashier in Georgia stole $45,000, but friends and family made up the shortfall, so no legal consequences:
  • "That's how it works if you got rich friends." —Dave [36:41]
  • Extended bit where Dave calls comedian Corey Ryan Forrester to live-calculate old money worth in today's dollars.
  • Corey’s guess: $2.9 million ("off by a million") [37:58–38:13]

Memorable Moment

“It's pretty bad to the IRS. I'm not worried about it. It's nothing. Hey, I hope you both die.” —Corey Ryan Forrester guest call-in [38:18]

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Early Hygiene, Science, and Social Commentary

[39:13–44:47]

• Segment on a Dutch physician’s "hygienic house": glass walls, underground air filtration, no windows.
• Hosts riff on how modern and murder-house-like the plan seems.
• Tangent about windowless college dorms and the logic of “solar murder houses.”

Notable Quotes

“If a three-year-old designed a house.” —James [42:19]
"Solar house, Murder house. Same thing." —Dave & James [42:44]

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Escaping Jail: Classic 1897 Crime

[45:08–47:27]

• Story of three prisoners breaking out of the county jail with a wire, broomstick, and rope made from blankets—“classic, early stuff.”
• Hosts riff on how easy it was to escape, compared to modern jails.

Quote

“Once you got out, you basically won. It was over.” —James [46:19]

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1897 Science: Detecting Death with "Rays"

[48:28–54:12]

• A German scientist invents “critic rays,” claiming they can detect the moment death enters a body—a clear misunderstanding of X-rays.
• The team lambasts the idea:
  • “So, you're just shooting it through a vacuum—you want to live forever? Get over here.” —Dave [49:46]
  • “Professional positive diagnosis, sir. You're off.” —James [62:03]
• The pseudo-scientific X-ray experiment leads to absurd "death rabbit" puns and leaf blower/immortality gags.

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Theater, Religion, and Scottish Prejudice

[54:49–58:39]

• Anecdote about an English opera troupe in Scotland being refused a photograph by a local photographer, who denounces them as "devil's bairns" for performing in the theater.
• Extended reading in Scots accent.

Memorable Moment

“Ye are devil's barns ye are. And I wan not for to grief ye for naething…” [58:18]

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Mental Health—1897 Style

[59:06–61:38]

• Bluntly stated news: "He found him insane..." Person is sent to the asylum but "will recover in short time."
• Satirical riffing on historical (and present) mental health treatments (cheese sandwiches and wall-chaining).

Quote

“We're gonna chain you to a wall, there'll be tons of screaming—you get a cheese sandwich at noon every day.” —Dave [59:41]

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Closing: Plugs & Future Bits

[62:38–End]

• James plugs his album (“A Special Thing Records”), Instagram @fritzisdead, and upcoming gigs.
• Jokes about opening for “Jelly Roll & a housewife who's never performed live.”
• Spirals into self-referential bits about failed meme coins, continuing the “critter” branding, and ideas for Patreon RFK joke episodes.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Best One-Liners and Running Jokes

• "This is American health care. When we run out of GoFundMe funders." —Dave, 06:51
• "That's a better suggestion than anything RFK Jr. has suggested." —James, 06:56
• "He thinks he's a different Mario every day." —Gareth, 18:44
• "Once you got out [of jail], you basically won. It was over." —James, 46:19
• “Solar house, murder house—same thing.” —James, 42:46
• "It's pretty bad to the IRS. I'm not worried about it. It's nothing. Hey, I hope you both die." —Corey Ryan Forrester via phone, 38:18

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Key Timestamps

• [00:30] — Introduction & premise explained
• [06:22] — Reading 1897 DIY medical advice ("piss bottle")
• [09:20] — RFK Jr. raccoon penis running bit begins
• [27:41] — Newspaper reports on petty burglary
• [29:31] — Rabies transmission and rabid cat anecdote
• [34:23 & 35:53] — 99-year-old woman with 18 marriages; bank embezzlement and family bailout
• [39:13] — Dutch "hygienic house," early home environmentalism, glass walls
• [45:08] — Jailbreak by inventively using a broomstick and blankets
• [48:28] — X-ray-style "Detecting Death" scientific pseudoscience
• [54:49] — Theatrical prejudices in Scotland / Scottish photographer story
• [59:06] — "He found him insane"—old-timey asylum process
• [62:38] — Plugs and episode wrap-up

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Tone & Style

Bawdy, rapid-fire, playful, and satirical—the hosts mock both the absurdity of Gilded Age reporting and the parallels (or lack thereof) to modern America. There’s a continual, improvisational heightening of gags from news items: animal penises, bodily fluids, anti-science hucksters, and doomed get-rich-quick schemes, alongside genuine, if dark, curiosity about history.

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For New Listeners

If you haven’t listened to this episode, expect a blend of actual weird historical reporting and free-wheeling, surreal comedic improvisation. It showcases the comedians’ skill at both squeezing every ounce of humor out of the arcane and connecting the past to today’s eccentricities, all with a signature irreverence.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Welcome to the past times. It's a podcast. Someone's finally doing it. You know what we do here each week? We go through a newspaper from a random date in history picked out by none other than Dave Anthony. I, Gareth Reynolds, have never seen it. And neither has this week's guest, Dave Anthony. Mixing it up.

[C]

Why?

[B]

I don't know. It's something to do. James, thank you for being here.

[C]

Thank you for having me.

[B]

James. Where can people listen to your album? Why can people listen to your album? And how can people listen to your album?

[C]

Are you a cop?

[D]

I don't have to tell you that. That's a. That's a lie.

[B]

Interesting.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah, it's fair.

[B]

Where can people listen to your stuff?

[D]

Oh, you can hear it on the Internet. You can buy it at a special thing records dot com.

[B]

Okay. Okay.

[D]

You can request it on the Sebastian Maniscalco XM channel.

[B]

What is this whole Sebastian Maniscalco request for you? You've. You're in cahoots with Sebastian.

[E]

You've.

[B]

You've decided you want to.

[C]

You remind me of a young Sebastian.

[B]

You do a lot of the same stuff.

[D]

Oh, man. I just thought about doing an act out and my back hurt.

[C]

A lot of people don't know this about. I mean, it's a good one, but he's Italian about who?

[D]

What?

[C]

Sebastian?

[B]

He is? Yeah.

[C]

He doesn't really talk about it, but he's. Yeah.

[B]

I don't know if people talk about how I might be

[D]

a misrepresentation.

[B]

I thought it was a documentary. I didn't know I wanted a documentary.

[D]

We're not a stereotype at the dmv.

[B]

Give me a letter and a number. Those are different Matrix.

[C]

The funniest was there one of the. One of the, like rightish wing guys was on a podcast and he's just like. So this thing where I guess comedians talk about other comedians now. And I was like, now?

[B]

No, there is a lot of that. There's a lot of that. There's a lot of people now who are like, wait, what?

[C]

Wait, we do this? Yeah. It's always something we've always done.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure that didn't happen when the mob ran comedy.

[B]

No. I don't think everyone sat idly by. Why? Andrew Dice Clay was cooking at a Madison Square Garden. Well, James, thank you for being here.

[D]

Thank you.

[B]

We. We love you. We celebrate you.

[D]

Thanks.

[B]

In. In Dave's name. You know what we do here? We're gonna go through an old newspaper. Let's try. Can. Can we do another take where you sound a little more excited about.

[C]

I love newspapers.

[B]

Okay, great. And can we do one more where you're Sebastian Maniscalco? Real quick, just so we have it.

[C]

I want to read the older newspaper.

[B]

Great stuff. And, okay, so you're gonna guess the year. Dave's gonna say, you win. You might win, you might not. The fans know the truth. Dave's a delusional liar. But go ahead and guess the year here for us, James. Jimmy. James.

[D]

I'm gonna go with five.

[B]

Just five? As in just the number five?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

The year five.

[B]

You can stick to your guess. I am going to tell you that. Well, I am going to tell you that. You know, it. It's probably not gonna be five just because that's so old, I guess, but.

[D]

Agency number.

[B]

Okay, five. I'll go with six.

[C]

I'm gonna guess 1897.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

And I won.

[D]

Oh, I was close, though.

[C]

Yeah, you were very close. Yeah.

[D]

Way closer.

[B]

You weren't. You're further away.

[C]

Yeah. I mean, it depends. It depends how you think about time.

[B]

I think of it like, in reality.

[C]

Yeah, well, your reality.

[B]

What?

[D]

Your privilege. Straight reality? Yeah.

[B]

What are you talking about?

[C]

Some alien species.

[B]

You're a straight white guy, too, don't

[C]

live in linear time, and they exist in all time at once.

[D]

That's right. Choke on that.

[B]

All right, time boy, let's just start this.

[D]

Let's just start.

[C]

Have you never watched Star Trek?

[B]

Yeah, I've watched Star Trek.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

But I also enjoyed the Time Travelers. Yeah, sex was fun, too. Go ahead.

[D]

Do you ever watch Sex Track?

[C]

It's a spaceship. By the way, this guy's Sex Track

[B]

would totally have watched. That'd be like, on real sex, parents would go to bed and you'd be like, oh, Sex Track.

[D]

Got to be hot. And the ugliest nerds you've ever seen come out.

[B]

Captain's load 6000, 969. I finally banged a green.

[D]

A green green.

[B]

I ear her Captain

[C]

this is April 28th, 1897.

[E]

Cream me up, Scotty.

[B]

Go ahead. Sorry.

[C]

The Green Bay Gazette.

[B]

Green Bay Gazette.

[E]

Yes.

[D]

James stupid.

[B]

Your hometown.

[C]

Are you from. Are you from.

[B]

Yeah, he is. He's from the South.

[D]

No, no, Green.

[C]

Where did you.

[D]

Allegedly straight, but north and South. We can just do whatever.

[B]

I'm having a good time and I'm not going to be shamed.

[C]

Where are you from?

[D]

Kentucky.

[B]

James from Kentucky.

[C]

A legend.

[D]

And then I lived in Chicago, so I'm a Bears fan. Go Bears.

[B]

Where'd you lose your virginity, James?

[D]

Whoa. Where?

[C]

Back of a horse.

[D]

Yeah, in the back of a horse.

[E]

We can't be doing that.

[B]

All right. And we're back.

[C]

How to find out? Fill a bottle of common glass with urine and let it stand 24 hours. A sediment or settling indicates an unhealthy condition of the kidneys. Wow. What in the just happened?

[B]

We just found out some doctor stuff that's important. By the way, this is a green Bay paper and IP in bottles.

[E]

This is awesome.

[C]

This is going to be something we're going to need in five years.

[B]

Yeah, this is going to be.

[C]

This is American health care.

[B]

When we run out of go fund me funders.

[D]

That's a better suggestion than anything RFK Jr. Has suggested.

[E]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Well, RFK Jr. Then you drink it.

[D]

Yeah. Say like, leave it alone for 24. There's a. Don't touch my piss bottle. Neighbors.

[E]

Imagine being able to let it sit there for 24 hours running through that. Now that shows real control.

[F]

Strain it through a dead cat and then drink it.

[E]

Cheryl handmade the sediment.

[D]

That's how I got sober from piss. I filled a bottle and I just looked at it for 24 hours.

[B]

It would be so great to be able unfill to know exactly everything he's done.

[C]

Everything.

[B]

If I had one dream of I want to know everything rfk, I mean, it would just be crazy.

[E]

I gave myself worms to know what it felt like to scoot like a dog on carpet.

[D]

R. I think he's on his third penis eating story that we know of.

[B]

He said, who has three?

[C]

Well, once you start penises like little

[D]

popcorn shrimp, they really are a wreck.

[B]

He took a raccoon penis home to study. I mean, that is just. This man is in charge of a lot of stuff and he took a wreck. He was like, oh, this will be great.

[E]

I'm gonna take this into the lab.

[B]

Dad.

[E]

Hold on.

[F]

It's in the lab.

[E]

This is unbelievable.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

When urine stains linen, it is positive evidence of kidney trouble.

[B]

I love the idea that you have to po. Sedimented piss on your blankets or.

[C]

No, you just. You can just pee on the. You could just pee on the.

[B]

Oh, you can just pee on the fabric.

[C]

I think you just pee on the.

[D]

Cut out the metal, man. You need the. You need.

[B]

It's like a pregnancy test.

[D]

You need the.

[C]

I'm going to pee on your dress, Sally.

[B]

Why'd you pee on my dress?

[E]

I'm making sure my organs are good.

[B]

Okay. This is a great time for piss fetishists.

[E]

Hey, one clear blue line. What does that mean? I got a bad kidney or I'm okay

[C]

too. Frequent desire to urinate or pain in the back is also convincing proof that the kidneys and bladder are out of order.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

Oh, they're out of order.

[D]

You're out of order.

[B]

This whole body's out of order.

[C]

Chlamydia.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

All right. Yeah, so that.

[D]

But what are you gonna do? Shows up and gets. He's like, oh, these are returns.

[C]

What are you doing?

[B]

Boy, this milk is bad. Hey, these are returns.

[C]

What are you doing in 1897 if you.

[D]

You're just.

[C]

I mean. No.

[B]

Well, like you said, healthcare is coming full circle.

[D]

Yeah. You just gotta find a couple of Two tree raccoon penises.

[B]

Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

[E]

RFK loves raccoon penises.

[C]

In three years, there's gonna be. You're gonna go into a gas station, it's going to be a bag of raccoon penises. RFK Juniors.

[B]

Juniors.

[E]

Ra dogs.

[C]

You try the dill.

[D]

The dill ones. Dill was nice.

[B]

Cool cheddar. These are bad, but I can't stop eating them.

[D]

Doctor said I had to get off pork rinds.

[B]

So I'm on raccoon penises, RFK style.

[E]

I make sure that I, I. Every. Every one of these has been in my mouth.

[B]

That's what it says on the bag with the little cartoon him.

[C]

He just got one coming out of his mouth on the picture.

[E]

Try to blow them up like balloons

[B]

before you eat them, Cheryl.

[D]

Oh, poor Cheryl.

[B]

Cheryl flavored.

[C]

She's a murderer also.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Come on. I'm a.

[D]

Poor in spirit, poor in integrity. Yeah.

[B]

Oh.

[D]

Oh. Just running after him alone was the

[B]

funniest, the greatest thing ever.

[C]

It made the whole assassination attempt worth it.

[B]

Oh, the whole. That, that. That was so. The way that she was, like, in heels, trying to hype. Step it off a stage during an assassination. Eight guys had rfk. She probably went backstage and they were probably like, cheryl, get the out of here. Nobody protected me.

[E]

Cheryl, please leave Us alone.

[C]

Like anybody gives a about him. Yeah, I, We. We had talked about it on the chop, which is our thing on Patreon that we do when we talk about topical stuff. And I was completely wrong because I was like. I was like, hey, what. What happened there? Like, the guy just, like, ran through a place where there was no metal detector or people. Like, he must have just. I was just in my mind envisioning. I. I never thought, which is the most obvious thing, that there is a metal detector and then just a bunch of cops and dudes standing around, not looking at anything. Yeah, it's just like, look at the ground.

[D]

Did one guy take the detector down, like, right before he ran in, or one of them?

[C]

Well, he was like. He was definitely with something off to the side.

[B]

It is remarkable to see a. First of all, stop calling him the secret Service. Now, we all know about him because of all the failures. But for those fail years to be so enormous, that Trump is like, I

[E]

need a nuclear proof ballroom.

[B]

And you're like, what if you just started training these guys again? Like, remember when you just trained them, like, for a long time, they just were always trained.

[D]

I mean, a guy put his finger in his ear.

[B]

Yeah, they're not doing the finger here. They're not doing the sleeve chat.

[C]

Yeah. I mean, he was literally running down a hallway with a shotgun before he

[D]

got to the metal detector. No one looked up.

[B]

Who the is that guy?

[D]

He was assembling it, like, outside while a canine cop was staring at him. And the dog was, like, leaning towards the outside. And the cop was like, oh, this dog's probably seeing a ghost or something.

[B]

Probably wants to go eat more poop.

[D]

Yeah, like rfk. Come on.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, he smells RFK on you.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, he's smelling your penis.

[B]

He just lets the dog in his mouth sniff and lick.

[C]

He can.

[D]

He can. Actually.

[C]

They say that RFK Jr. Can smell a raccoon penis from two miles.

[E]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

He's just on a hike with Cheryl

[E]

and he's like, I must descent. Over yonder, there's 2k dongs. It's time to get licking she trail

[D]

of him when he gets lost his

[B]

way home through binoculars. Just like seeing him mow the crotch of a living raccoon. Is the human is the help and services director eating out a raccoon?

[F]

That's not what happened to my throat.

[E]

Oh, yeah,

[D]

the unkillable Kennedy. I think that's what he's doing.

[E]

You all wanted us to live longer. Look what you got. 50 is when we're supposed to go.

[D]

This is what happens to all of us if we age past 55.

[E]

You, you. You should fear 80.

[B]

He's in a raccoon costume sucking his own dick.

[E]

Oh, that's nice.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[F]

RFK this is a natural ending.

[B]

It's just.

[E]

I'm gonna barrel roll down a hill sucking my own raccoon penis.

[B]

Honey, honey, honey.

[D]

Which super Mario is that? Oh,

[C]

you know they have fresh refrigerated raccoon dogs.

[E]

You don't want that. All the enzymes are gone. You have to keep it in the sun. It has to sun dry. It has to sun dry like a tomato. Oh, yeah.

[D]

Okay.

[G]

All right.

[D]

Raccoon penis in this paper.

[B]

There's more.

[E]

There'll be more.

[B]

My God.

[E]

Just tearing the fur out of a

[B]

raccoon with his mouth.

[E]

You've got to find the good penis. The good penises are deep inside.

[F]

God damn it. This one has a vagina.

[E]

Yucky.

[D]

I ate everything but the tail.

[F]

That I put in my ass.

[D]

I shake my little around for Cheryl

[B]

that he does try to fly like Mario.

[E]

If I get enough speed and I have the tail coming out of my ass, I could fly like in the third one.

[B]

Honey, come to bed.

[E]

You don't understand me. Eating garbage. The trash made me strong again. Cheryl.

[B]

Honey, sit down. Sit down.

[E]

I. I ate it all. That way we don't have to take it out. Just the recyclables.

[B]

Honey, sit down.

[F]

I wash my little hands in water in the dog bowl.

[E]

Oh, that's good. Here, take some of my urine. Put it on so you can't find yourself.

[B]

Honey, honey, honey. You're so worked up. You're so.

[D]

You could use my tail as a cap.

[E]

Cheryl. Cheryl. Oh, come on.

[B]

Imagine like the next day, like I

[E]

had a very strange dream last night. You're like, oh, here we go. Oh, boy.

[D]

Here we go.

[B]

Here we go.

[F]

You know what? Do you know how big a whale's dog is?

[E]

I beat up a moil and ate his briefcases of foreskins.

[B]

Honey, honey, honey.

[D]

There's a human shaped outline through the doggy door.

[B]

Oh, I think you got out last night.

[E]

Oh, I ran out really late.

[F]

Yeah, I know how to stop psoriasis.

[E]

I ate Robert's car.

[B]

What?

[E]

I ate the neighbor's car.

[B]

Oh, my God. Just all serious in like moonlight on his face.

[E]

Am I truckasaurus?

[B]

Honey, honey, sit down. Honey, sit down. Honey, come to bed and sit down.

[F]

Sorry, I haven't had a raccoon penis in a while.

[B]

Here, eat a raccoon Penis and calm down.

[E]

She takes it out of an orange pill bottle.

[B]

Take two

[E]

Vermin's Valium.

[F]

Can we go out tomorrow? Look for roadkill?

[B]

I think you should probably take the weekend and stay inside.

[E]

Kid Rock texted me.

[B]

Do not read that. Do not read that.

[E]

Am I truckasaurus?

[D]

Oh, no. It's time for a human food day, honey.

[E]

Oh God, I hate human food days.

[D]

I can eat a human. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[F]

I gotta get diarrhea.

[B]

No, no, no, honey, no, your stomach. Remember what the doctor said, you can't.

[F]

Can I put roadkill between bread?

[E]

I'm gonna go drink that bad creek water.

[F]

Honey, no face down for an hour.

[E]

I will get gills. I cut gills in my neck again.

[B]

That doesn't make you a fish hun.

[E]

I am fish man again.

[D]

He thinks he's a different Mario every day.

[B]

Yeah, he's just taking out the pieces of shrimp and only eating the tails.

[E]

Oh, yeah. Oh God, it hurts.

[F]

But it's so good.

[E]

Oh, that's good. That's the only way to itch your.

[F]

Honey, that's where you get vitamin C. That's perfect.

[B]

Oh,

[C]

hurts

[E]

him on doordash.

[B]

Jesus Christ. This order is crazy. This guy just ordered 90 sides of jalapenos.

[D]

No substitutions.

[B]

This guy just checked no substitution. In the notes he wrote no substitutions.

[D]

If they're hot, a frog eyes. Cancel the order.

[B]

In the special instructions, it just said, come up and eat it with me. What the hell?

[F]

Sorry about the smell of death.

[E]

Meet me on the roof. You and I will eat above the chimney

[D]

with the gods.

[B]

I need the beef pink anyway.

[F]

I'm gonna dig up my dad and eat him.

[D]

That's what all this training's been.

[E]

Time to eat, dad.

[B]

Honey, honey, sit down. You're so worked up.

[D]

The Most Dangerous game, Father.

[F]

He'll cure my dropsy.

[D]

What is dropsy?

[C]

It's like. I think it was any kind of pneumonia probably, but like some thought it was poop related.

[E]

It's all poop related. Everything is poop related. That's why you have to stop doing it. You have to stop pooping. It's the only way.

[C]

Oh, no, Robert.

[E]

Oh no, you can't. Bobby, it's the only way. It can come out of every other hole. Just on the back one. No, Bobby, the back one's for hiding goods and services. That's right. Plug it hard enough.

[D]

I will never Centipede.

[E]

I will. I will not play. I will not play the games.

[D]

The games.

[E]

I will not use the toilet.

[D]

That's not really?

[C]

Games? It's more. What's the noise you're making?

[E]

I'm the color of fantasy in years.

[D]

This explains everything.

[E]

Hold on. I must battle it to turn it into puke again.

[F]

Make the come out of your pores

[E]

and you're sweating the pores come out like an earthworm. Over there. A raccoon.

[C]

I mean, anything I read now is going to be literally a half hour

[B]

of just RK Jr jokes.

[C]

The past times is brought to you by Cash app. Have you ever noticed that on. Let's just say there's a certain social media site that has like ads from like scammers.

[B]

Oh yeah.

[D]

I.

[C]

So I was, I usually I notice it. I'm like, yeah, yeah, of course I had to scan. But one night I was like, look at all these hats I can get for 10 bucks or something. Like it was, it was like, that is. It was like quite endearing. A bunch of hats for like no money. $2 a hat. And I was like, these are great hats. And I bought like, I bought like six and then, and then I sent the money off and I was just like, well, that wasn't real. What was I.

[E]

What did I just.

[B]

You know. Well, that's the thing. We live in a world now where you get like the scam. Phishing attempts are so voluminous.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

That every now and then I did

[B]

have one where it was like, hey, this is your bank. What's your credit card number? I was like, it's right here, bank dude.

[E]

Oh, damn it.

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[B]

When are you going to read the disclaimer?

[C]

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[I]

This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace.

[J]

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[C]

it can at least be said to the credit of our Green Bay burglars that they burglars that they have extremely modest ideas as to the amount of plunder to be carried away.

[B]

You don't want to overdo it just right amount.

[C]

The pettiness of numerous robberies reported in the Gazette columns yesterday tends to discourage the current the that professional burglars are at work. Expert burglars are not usually thus given to wasting their effort.

[B]

So they're moderate burglars. Yeah, they're just, they're. They're going in. Told you we could get inside of Thad's house. Now let's get the out of here.

[C]

The pettiness of the robberies.

[B]

So they're taking like little little things.

[C]

Weird little.

[B]

Take his Apple TV remote.

[D]

That'll.

[E]

That'll his brain up.

[B]

He'll go nuts for that one.

[C]

That would be pretty fun to break into people's houses and steal their TV

[E]

remotes,

[B]

by the way, because it's small enough to believe it's there still.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

So you'd always be like, I know it's in here.

[E]

God damn it.

[C]

It is way too small.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. It's like an oily wafer

[C]

it is like an oily wafer.

[E]

What are you saying it Apple tv. If you didn't, you weren't supposed to ingest the remote.

[C]

Bobby.

[E]

Now use my tits.

[B]

Use.

[E]

Use my tits to bring up Disney plus. There you go.

[F]

Cheryl, time to go to bed. Put on your jeans.

[E]

That's perfect. I'm gonna put on my shirt jeans and my bottom jeans. I. I gotta put my bed jeans on. Oh, yeah.

[C]

Rabies at secondhand.

[E]

I'll try something.

[C]

A five months old baby has just been taken to the Pasteur Institute in New York. The child was bitten by a cat, which several months ago was bitten by a mad dog.

[E]

Hello, I'm Dr. Pastori.

[C]

Yes.

[D]

Wait, a cat. And then a mad cat bit a child.

[C]

But it was months later. That's the crazy thing.

[B]

Yeah. So it's fine. What happens with. What happened?

[E]

You just.

[B]

What with rabies, you just foam and die from infection.

[D]

Yeah, you did the cat get the jab.

[B]

James, we really have asked you to not do that on this. We know your vac stuff, so. But honestly, please keep it off the show. Okay? That's for you. That's for your ex.

[C]

The cure.

[D]

She won't talk to me anymore because I'm crazy. James during coven.

[C]

Oh, boy.

[B]

Wait a minute. Didn't you have a raccoon infest? No. You had skunks.

[D]

Oh, come on, man.

[B]

That would just be great for RFK.

[D]

That's the way to get RFK Jr. We let him under the house and he got rid of them.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[E]

Give me your stinky bags now. Your cats.

[F]

I've been called for another skunk.

[E]

Clear out now. I took all your. I took all the skunk stinky bags and now they're kittens.

[F]

The skunks are still there. But I took the penis.

[E]

I took the virgins. The virgins come with me. They'll live in my cave.

[D]

That wasn't the job we hired you for. We didn't hurt you to come under the house and just take the skunk's penises.

[F]

Did you say come under the house? Okay, don't worry.

[E]

So I fixed the problem. None of the skunks have penises anymore. I've got a big bag full of their penises.

[D]

You're so close.

[E]

There you go.

[D]

Remove the whole. Okay, you see the thing around the penis? The skunk? No, the dill picker flavoring.

[E]

Oh, the. The other penis.

[D]

Hold. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[E]

The useless part of fur around the penis. What did you call it?

[D]

That we want you to get rid of all of It. The fur? The penis container.

[E]

No, no, the penises are gone.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

What's a good way to frame the thing around it?

[E]

Yeah, maybe walk me through what you're looking for, because I got rid of all the penises and I've taken them.

[D]

Oh, I've got it. I've got it. Look down at your own body. Yes, look down. You see that? Okay, take your jeans off.

[E]

Okay. Another pair of jeans and.

[D]

Oh, I didn't think. How about your multiple jeans?

[E]

Do you need me to take these jeans off? Okay, jeans. The tighter set of.

[D]

Take three more jeans off. Are we there?

[C]

Hi, this is Cheryl. He actually has his skin removed and jeans put on.

[E]

My bones are jeans. Everything's jeans. Hey, why don't we all figure this out over a little bit of the.

[B]

What?

[E]

Skunk pain. Ass.

[D]

Hey, do you have a. Oh, okay, so you're, You're. Look at your jeans. Penis. Episode title. Look at your jeans penis.

[B]

Okay, the thing.

[D]

It's the jeans that, like, point. It's the thing that hangs from the other gene.

[E]

Okay,

[D]

okay. Well, everything, Everything you're describing.

[C]

You know how raccoons have a penis?

[E]

Yes. Raccoons have penis.

[C]

I think he's thinking about your penis.

[E]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

Oh, you know the stuff you put in all the hundreds of other women that aren't me.

[B]

All right, have you ever.

[E]

Have you ever looked closely at how

[B]

many teeth I'm missing?

[E]

It's pretty crazy. I'm a Kennedy and I have, like, four visible teeth missing. That should be a red flag.

[B]

Did you hear him breathing at the congressional thing? That was, like, the funniest thing I ever heard. In between questions, he was like, really?

[D]

He's mostly critter at this point. He's a critter. He's what we called a critter now.

[B]

Okay, all right.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

All right, all right.

[B]

Here we go. Come on. Come on. We can do another one. We can do another one.

[D]

All right.

[B]

I mean, I, I, I think we

[E]

could do a podcast once a month

[B]

with James where we just talk about rfk.

[D]

Oh, God.

[C]

Married 18 times. Yes, he was. Was 99 years old when she died, but was recently married.

[E]

Oh, wow.

[C]

This Michigan story. The funeral of Christina Buna Cassel was held here Friday. She was 99 years old and was Marri Times.

[E]

Wow.

[C]

The last time, only a few months ago to a young man. She was quite well off, but did a man's work, such as chopping wood and similar manual labor. Okay, so he married her for money. The last guy.

[B]

Sure.

[D]

Right. 18 guys just waiting for this rich broad to die.

[B]

Yeah. Didn't make it. That last guy just came in. Anna Nicole Smith.

[D]

Did a month's work. Boom.

[B]

Did a month's worth of work. Yeah. By the way, at that point, I mean, there's very little.

[C]

And then Nicole did that for nothing because she never got any money.

[B]

Well, but she thought she was going to get.

[C]

Yeah, she thought she was gonna. It was awesome.

[D]

Yeah, you're right.

[C]

It was love.

[D]

It was love. She loved that

[B]

tough last few years. Santa Cole Smith.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

That didn't go well.

[B]

It didn't go well. It became. And E was like, let's film it.

[C]

Yeah. It was pretty.

[F]

Pretty great.

[E]

Pretty great.

[B]

Let's see what it's like when Valium has a dog.

[C]

We're a good society, I think.

[E]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

Yeah. She was the best of us.

[C]

Yeah, she was.

[B]

It was the future.

[C]

Stole a fortune. A Georgia bank cashier misappropriates $45,000.

[B]

Good work.

[C]

Private speculation causes the downfall of an Atlanta man. His friends and relatives make. Make good the amount. No arrest is made.

[B]

What

[C]

a sensation was created today when it was announced that Harry Casson, cashier of the Georgia Loan Savings and Bank Company had misappropriated $45,000 in funds of the institution. Private speculation is alleged to be the cause. There will be no prosecution as friends and relatives has made good on the shortage. I like how they did a headline that told the whole story and then they told the story

[D]

so they make good.

[C]

That's how. That's how it works. If you got rich friends.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

You get away with it.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's gonna be fine.

[C]

We can cover it. Yeah, we got that, Jimmy.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, we're like, good to go.

[C]

I wonder how much that is in.

[B]

We're.

[E]

We're.

[B]

By the way, we're like in a good zone.

[D]

What was it? This is how much it was.

[C]

45,045.

[B]

Corey Ryan Forester swears that he can tell you he can do the calculation

[C]

for any in his head.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

No.

[C]

He's out of his tree. Has he ever met himself? That's the craziest thing he's ever said.

[B]

Wait, who? It's always worth Cory R. I'm g to call him real quick and see if he. 45 in what year?

[C]

45,000 in five.

[D]

Year five. Year five.

[C]

1897.

[B]

Okay. And then you'll check his map because he's. He said this on something the other day.

[D]

Okay. What's up, buddy?

[B]

Hey, dude. We're recording a pastimes and you could do the calculation of a price, like, 45, 000. You could tell us what it would be in today's money if I give you the year, right? I can usually. I'm usually pretty good at that. Yeah. Okay, let's try it. Dave. What? What year?

[C]

1897.

[B]

1897. $45,000.

[D]

That would be, I would say, $2.9 million.

[B]

2.9 million.

[C]

You're only off by a million.

[E]

1.9 million. Pretty good, though.

[C]

1.8 million. Yeah.

[B]

All right.

[E]

That's not.

[B]

That's not too awful.

[C]

It's pretty bad, actually. It's pretty bad. It's off by a million.

[D]

It's pretty bad to the irs. I'm not worried about it. It's nothing. Hey, I hope you both die.

[B]

Love you. Bye.

[D]

Okay, I'm a fan.

[E]

You know him.

[B]

He's the greatest.

[E]

So.

[C]

Oh, God.

[B]

But he said. He said that the other day, and I was like, really? Oh, yeah.

[C]

Well, he was wrong. Rabies at secondhand. Oh, no, we already did that.

[D]

Whoops.

[B]

Oh, I was gonna say that's RFK. RFK's order at Chili's.

[D]

I take. I suck it right out of the dick.

[E]

I'm a Kennedy.

[C]

Worse than disease woes of a Dutch physician who built a hygiene house.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Is that hygiene or is it that I can't. Oh, hygienic. I think it's hygienic house.

[B]

Whatever.

[D]

Hard to read.

[C]

What is called a hygienic house? Yes, that's what it is. What is called the hygienic house has just been built by a Dutch physician and illustrates, rather forcibly, the possibility of preventative measures being worse to undergo than several maladies, says the New York Times.

[E]

Wow.

[D]

So they're saying cleaning, cleaning, clean is the new.

[C]

Cleaning is bad r it.

[B]

God, that. What a phase.

[F]

That's what I've been saying.

[E]

Honestly, he's.

[B]

The guy who's. He's swam in, like, that poop creek. And he was like, grandkids, dude. Yeah. He took his grandkids, dude.

[E]

He's like, get nice and poopy now.

[D]

Poopy for grandpappy.

[E]

Call me grand poopy.

[B]

Swimming and poop. Swimming and poop. And he's like, literally, like.

[D]

And they're swimming in poop.

[E]

Let me tell you how to stop measles. Sorry, sir.

[B]

Didn't you sweep, swim and poop a week ago?

[E]

I did, yes.

[D]

You have to make the body so unattractive. Even measles don't want to get inside.

[E]

The only way to get this color Is to live it poop for a little while.

[F]

Now put your jeans on. We're going in the water.

[E]

Cheryl, get me my swimming jeans.

[C]

The walls of this extremely modern and scientific dwelling are made of parallel plates of ground glass several inches apart or salts of soda between them.

[D]

What? What? Okay, you're walking around on glass plates.

[C]

No, I think it's the walls.

[D]

The wall. Oh, glass walls. Okay, my bad. The walls.

[B]

That's what makes no sense. Yeah. Stone at this house, especially those inside.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

These plates are. These plates are fixed in metal frames by which they are built together. The roof is not translucent and is made of materials which are impervious to heat. Thus keeping out the sunshine and holding in the warmth of the rooms.

[B]

Oh, I'm starting to come around a little on this.

[C]

The house is to be entered by an underground door to which I'm in. A stair leads the air also. This is crazy.

[D]

We are more people.

[B]

He just goes in like a looney Tune. Jesus Christ. Like a top.

[D]

He's a critter.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, he's a critter all right.

[D]

Yeah. That dog will hunt. You know they say about that new Kennedy boy. That dog will hunt.

[C]

The air also enters underground.

[D]

Worms.

[C]

The air also enters on the ground and passes through a microbe filter of cotton wool and glycerin.

[B]

What the hell is happening?

[C]

Filters. That's good. He's ahead of with the filter.

[E]

The whole thing's.

[B]

I'm into the whole thing, but it does sound like if a three year

[E]

old designed a house.

[C]

It circulates through the rooms by means of gratings and escapes under the roof. The house is heated by the sun, except when a stove is found to be necessary.

[G]

Right.

[C]

Okay. So sometimes it can't do it. Yeah.

[D]

Because it's.

[C]

You know.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

I like this.

[C]

The salt solution between the panes Absorb the heat by day and give it forth by night.

[B]

So they really are trying. Yeah. This is a solar.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Or a murder house. However you want to.

[C]

Or a murder house. Yeah, it could be a murder house, but that's the same thing. Solar house, Murder house.

[D]

The screens will not pass through the walls.

[C]

Impervious to screams. Blood just runs off the glass.

[E]

We'll see about that.

[C]

In summer, the air is cooled by its passage underground and tempers the tropical warmth of the climate. The illumination inside is diffused from all parts of the walls, but there are no windows out of which the inhabitants can look. And it is difficult to see how they will be able to endure life in a place

[D]

It's A madness.

[C]

I mean, they're trying. They're trying to make something better. Normal house, no windows is crazy.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't hate it. I mean, by the way.

[D]

Yeah. I've lived in a place where.

[B]

No, I was gonna say our studio is a windowless box.

[C]

Do you remember when that guy, that billionaire last year.

[B]

It's a content home. It's all green screens.

[C]

Do you remember when that billionaire came up with an idea for cheaper dorms at colleges? And it was like two thirds of the rooms didn't have windows. Oh. And everyone was like, no. Bad.

[B]

It's a good idea. It's like Ryanair, like, the way they keep testing it.

[C]

I know. Saying Ryanair went out of business. You're like, yeah. Or yeah.

[B]

No.

[E]

Spirit.

[C]

Spirit.

[D]

Air.

[C]

I was saying Spirit went out of business. It's like, yeah. The stories are legendary. It's crazy.

[D]

Yeah. By the way, Front store went out of business before, and it was better than Spirit Airlines.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

But Frontier right now is better.

[D]

Oh, yeah. Frontier. They're like, we're next.

[B]

Spirit Halloween Airlines. By the way, that would have been the nice Hail Mary to just be like costumes. Only, like, best costume gets first class.

[D]

The pilot is a vampire.

[B]

You show up as the pilot right here. Sir. No, I meant. Okay.

[D]

Every time you open the bathroom,

[C]

God out of jail.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Three prisoners escape from the county.

[B]

God out of jail. Yeah, God's out.

[C]

God's out of jail.

[E]

And I'm pissed.

[C]

Three prisoners escaped from the county Bastille. Three prisoners escaped from the county jail Saturday night. Their names being Thomas Dupre, Charles Anderson and Martin Nellen. By an ingenious contrivance made of a piece of wire and a broomstick, they succeeded in opening the steel cage in which they were confirmed.

[D]

Whoa.

[C]

A section of heavy ventilating pipe was uncovered from its place, and with this for a lever, two bars were broken from an outside window, and they escaped down a rope made from their blankets.

[B]

It's classic, classic, classic early stuff there.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Their escape was discovered at daylight Sunday morning, and Sheriff sure and his assistants were making every possible effort to apprehend the fellows. The two men were arrested at Pembine yesterday on suspicion, but they were not the persons wanted. So two guys.

[B]

So much easier to escape back then. Just like a dream.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, once you got out, you basically won. Like, it was over.

[B]

Yeah, it was over.

[C]

You really just need a fake mustache and you're good to go.

[B]

Yeah, but I mean, you would just. You would they. Would you. The bar. I'm sure you could just get out so easily.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Just be like the prisons we've seen we see now have over time got like this.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It used to just be like stay in this room.

[C]

Pray. Is from De Pier. And was awaiting trial for highway robbery. And Anderson was serving a sentence for breaking out of jail.

[D]

Several months ago. My man.

[C]

And Nellen was awaiting trial in Milwaukee for selling liquor to Indians.

[F]

Oh.

[B]

You can't be doing that.

[C]

Nope.

[B]

Yeah.

[G]

Yeah.

[D]

Wait. What? You went to jail?

[B]

Can't do that. Yep.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

They're not allowed to have that.

[D]

The way we treated people who sold liquor to Indians in this country is horrible.

[B]

Disgusting. Disgusting.

[C]

What this otherwise highly favored town needs is a jail that will hold prisoners. Sheriff Shower.

[B]

You eat those words.

[C]

Sheriff Sh. Has a right to wash his hands of responsibility for safekeeping of his jailbirds until a place of safe keeping is provided. Invited. So it's a shitty jail.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I'm all for it.

[B]

I am too.

[D]

You know what they need? You know what that jail needs to be a box with no windows.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

That's what. Yeah.

[B]

That's underground entrance.

[C]

Thank you.

[E]

Yeah.

[J]

Yes.

[C]

And salt.

[B]

Perfect. Don't worry. Eventually this country will correct the errors of early prison technology.

[C]

Oh yeah. It's the only thing we'll create now.

[B]

Eventually we'll have detention centers that run on screams. Don't you worry. And it'll be economic.

[D]

And in our blue.

[B]

The gold will be the economy.

[D]

Prisoners into fires.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Yeah. That sounds great.

[B]

Yes. Don't you worry.

[C]

Detects death.

[E]

Yes.

[C]

Professor Friedrich, a German scientist claims to have made a discovery. Well.

[B]

Never good. Professor and Friedrich. Rick. Yeah.

[F]

I figured out how to take the

[C]

bones out of a live human.

[B]

Yeah. Professor. To become a professor in Germany back then was like. That's not good. He has a major in acid.

[C]

While studying the round gin runt gen rays. That has caused considerable comment in scientific circles. This discovery he has communicated to the Vienna Imperial Academy of Science. He has given it the name. Name critic rays which. And believes they are. Sorry. Given the name of critic rays and believes they reveal with absolute reliability the entrance of death into the body.

[D]

Whoa.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Sure. So he thinks death enters the body and then.

[B]

But this is a way to keep it out. Maybe with the race.

[D]

Yeah. Airtight.

[B]

Not a note.

[C]

These rays are directed out of a vacuum tube and can almost immediately penetrate the body.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

100. Yeah.

[C]

This is what we use now.

[B]

Yeah. So you're just shooting it through a vacuum. You want to live forever? Get over here.

[C]

Take a ray and vacuum.

[B]

So I'm gonna Put vacuum on you.

[D]

Okay. I'm really scared of dying.

[B]

Yeah, this is gonna help.

[C]

Yeah, this will.

[D]

I got dropsy and cropsy.

[C]

Oh, see, this is perfect. We've actually tried this on.

[E]

On.

[C]

We've. We've just actually tried this on nobody. So this will be really great.

[B]

Yeah, the three rabbits. Dropsy, popsy, clopsy and propsy. Where's drop seed? I got all three of the death rabbits.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

You have like a leaf blower that can. What? Can chase away death?

[C]

Well, Ray, a Ray leaf blower.

[D]

Yeah. Hi. No raise my name. You can blow me.

[B]

Hi, this is Ray. If. If you blow him, you live forever. He's gonna hold bunnies while you do it.

[D]

I mean, this German guy's making me do it. I don't know.

[B]

Just let his dick get sucked.

[F]

Jesus Christ.

[D]

Hold on.

[B]

Immortality.

[C]

Let me get the camera.

[B]

There you are. Sucks the death out of the man. That's nice. That's nice.

[C]

And. And now I'm going to eat a plate of.

[E]

And I. And then I'm going to eat him, of course.

[B]

Jesus Christ. Not him again.

[E]

Hello.

[D]

I am become Death Eater of.

[E]

I. I ate the Grim reaper with Casey. MasterP.

[B]

God, what?

[E]

Now what?

[B]

I don't know. Nobody can calculate some of the moves you're pulling.

[F]

I can consume anything.

[E]

I've eaten everything.

[D]

Why won't God let me die?

[E]

I'm literally begging for death.

[F]

My God, I look like a tomato.

[D]

I've been hammering my teeth.

[F]

You're watching me turn into leather.

[E]

I'm the color of a crayon. They can't create.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[E]

This guy is really creeping me out.

[C]

Oh, okay. They produce images on the photographic plate which are of a different character according as they are taken of a living or dead subject. So they're X rays.

[B]

Oh, okay. There you go.

[C]

If the hand, for instance, appears as does the living hand under the rays, all the bones clearly distinguished, then the person is alive. No, that's absolutely not true.

[D]

That's.

[B]

What the hell?

[D]

Your fingers fused together. Everyone knows this.

[B]

That's why everybody becomes a big pile of skin at death.

[C]

So they invented. They invented X rays and they came up with the craziest conclusion.

[B]

This ray will. This ray will determine if someone's alive or not.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Isn't it also just a way to see bones?

[C]

Yeah, but they're like, you don't want that. Yeah, no, but. But what if bones broken.

[F]

No, it says you're alive, then you're alive.

[D]

Here, let me break your bones. If you scream, you're alive.

[B]

There you go. See? You're alive.

[D]

Everyone knows that.

[B]

I mean, not getting the proper patent on that, either. I'm gonna patent that to make it for seeing Bones. Wait, what? How are you? Great stuff.

[C]

If, however, the hand does not yield its characteristic form, the person. Person to whom it belongs is undoubtedly dead.

[B]

What?

[C]

He has made many experiments before arriving at this conclusion. If the professor is right, the new vacuum tubes will be of great assistance in conducting postmortem examinations.

[B]

It's called tube maxing.

[D]

See, this is when you need, like, a trusted someone to, like, say, maybe not, you know, this guy was not told.

[C]

No.

[B]

Yeah, someone. We just need some position of authority. We're like, this guy's got it.

[D]

You did a great job building the X ray machine, don't get me wrong.

[B]

Thank you. Yeah, but I don't think. Step inside.

[D]

I don't want to wait. Bones are good, right?

[B]

Go for a ride. That's right. Yeah. You got. Despite all my rage oh, my race despite all my race.

[D]

We have fun,

[C]

Children of Satan.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

No, James. It's an article.

[C]

It's an article.

[D]

I thought I was being summoned. Ruined again. The grand one.

[C]

What, I'm a grand.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Wait a minute. Hold on a second. Yeah.

[E]

Careful.

[B]

Yeah. That's the problem with the KKK's Whimsy. Whimsy names. Dungeons and Dragons is like God.

[E]

We got to be careful. One hood away from being a clam.

[D]

This guy's a real grand dragon, if you know what. No, no, no.

[B]

I'm the head wizard. No, you're not.

[E]

No, you not.

[C]

An English operatic company whose members recently returned to London after tour in Scotland, had a curious experience in one of the inland towns where a performance was given. It was one of those places where, among certain classes, the animus against theaters is almost as great as the consumption of whiskey.

[E]

Oh, wow.

[B]

So you hate theater and drink whiskey.

[C]

I think they're saying it goes together.

[B]

Hell of a club.

[C]

As it was the last halt in the tour, the members of the troop agreed to have themselves photographed and accordingly went to the local photographer and explained their intention. Very well, replied the Scotchman. I shall be very glad to take your. I can't do. It's the way it's written.

[D]

It's written in, like, all the apostrophes and stuff.

[C]

Yeah, it's written this way, so it's hard to read.

[D]

Read?

[B]

That's how train spotting is written. It's very tough reading.

[C]

Oh, yeah, that's right, it is. So all his books are written.

[B]

Yeah, it's very. Yeah. It's difficult.

[C]

Yeah. I shall be very glad to take your portraits. For you seem a deuce and response respect.

[E]

Seem a deuce and a sport set

[C]

of ladies and gentlemen.

[B]

Let me try.

[C]

Yeah. Do you want to read that? Why don't you read the story since you're all scotch.

[B]

All right. As it was the last halt in the tour. Okay. Explain their intention. It's just a little what I. Very well, replied the Scotchman. I said I sell be very glad to take year portraits for you seem a deuce and a respectable set o Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. And as we are artists, suggested the principal tenor, and there are lots of us, perhaps you'd see no objection in making some reduction from your usual prices. Ear tests area, said the photographer. A dinner keen what that may be, but what day ye day may I spear? Oh, answered the tenor, who fortunately understood the scotch, who fortunately understood the Scott language. We are singers in the Kirk, queried the camera manipulator. Oh, no, replied the other. We are the opera company who are performing at the theater. The Scotchman took a skip backwards, raised his arm in the air and cried, awa we ye. Awa we ye are devil's barns ye are. And I wan not for to grief ye for naething. I mean, for ony thing ye will offer me. No, not for ah, the money ye take in a week for playing Satan's antics on the br.

[E]

Ye are children of the devil. Yeah.

[B]

And he ordered them out and shut the door against them. This is the reason why no authentic photographer of that opera troupe will be handed down for posterity. For next day. The tour ended and the members dispersed to their homes.

[E]

London Telegraph.

[C]

What the fuck?

[D]

Hell yeah, Dave, you were gonna try to read all that?

[C]

Yeah,

[D]

yeah.

[B]

That's a pretty well written accent.

[C]

Yeah, it is.

[B]

Be yourselves. Trust the process. My tongue said.

[E]

By the way, mine said that

[C]

last one.

[B]

All right.

[C]

He found him insane. Oh, Nels Elson, a resident of the west side.

[B]

Sure.

[D]

Nels El.

[C]

Nels Elson was adjudged insane today by Dr. Beck and Bartran and was taken to the county asylum. It being thought that with proper care he will recover in a short time.

[B]

You'll be back in no time.

[C]

Yeah, we're just taking.

[D]

You don't want to go to really the county one, not the city one going.

[C]

No, you'll be fine. We're going to take you to the place where we chain you to the wall.

[B]

You just need a week wall chaining and then your head's gonna be.

[C]

You'll be. It'll be very great. You'll be chained to a wall. There'll be tons of screaming. We come through and you get a

[B]

cheese sandwich at noon every day.

[C]

Sandwich at noon. Now that'll be shoved down your throat.

[B]

Yeah, that's gonna be pushed down you like baby birds style.

[C]

It's cheddar.

[B]

It's county.

[C]

Cheddar County. Cheddar County. Well, it's Wisconsin, so we're gonna ch. We're not gonna go get. We're not gonna go get cheese from.

[B]

And it's a big thick piece of it too.

[C]

It's a thick pie

[D]

import. Bad cheese. Just to be mean.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

You know what? I can tell that you're maybe going to take a little bit longer than most processes.

[C]

This is actually why you chained to the wall.

[D]

Negative. I'm being negative. You're chaining me to a wall.

[C]

Well, first of all, we wouldn't have to change to the wall if you didn't have this attitude.

[B]

Okie dokie.

[C]

This is why

[D]

with the name ills Neil's elf skin.

[C]

First of all, your name is Nels Elfson.

[B]

Yeah. That the name that Rumpelstiltskin stays in hotels under.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, now he's laughing.

[C]

He's having a good time.

[B]

Yeah, whatever.

[C]

According to you, I do like him.

[D]

Why does mad mean insane and angry? It's so confusing. And then.

[B]

Are you still in character? Are we doing a bit or are you back to being James Fritz?

[D]

I'm not doing well, guys.

[B]

Oh, no.

[C]

I think that's James Fritz. Yeah.

[B]

Okay, now we know it's James.

[D]

I know my money into squirrel penises. This is.

[B]

This is James.

[D]

This is James. Oh, God. I didn't think raccoon penises would be

[C]

the way to go. Yeah, it really, really looked like it would be squirrel penises for a while, but you know what? It turns out too small.

[B]

Oh, my God. If he start. If RFK started a meme coin. That was squirrel penis.

[E]

My squirrel penis coin is live.

[C]

The examination was conducted before judge Huntington. Elson is not in any way disposed to be violent. And at times his mind is evidently clear. Here he is unmistakably off, however, at intervals. But the physicians think he is not incurable.

[D]

Professional positive diagnosis, sir. You're off.

[B]

You're off.

[C]

Yeah, way off.

[B]

And if you follow me to the

[D]

off ward, I'd like a second opinion. Come in here, doctor. Oh, yeah, this guy is.

[B]

He's also. Ah, James, you're an absolute pleasure. Oh, maybe, maybe. Will you come on? One of our ch. EP episodes. I'll just pull some RFK stuff and we'll have a little giggle on Patreon.

[D]

That sounds great.

[E]

I'll just.

[B]

We'll do some RFK files. The ones you don't want released. Uh, so, James, where can people get your latest album? Give us the hard pitch.

[D]

You can get it on special thing records.com or net. Who knows? Try them both. You can follow me on Instagram at. Fritz is dead and I will be on Netflix is a joke.

[B]

What are you doing there?

[C]

Opening for Bobby.

[D]

Protesting.

[B]

It's so funny.

[D]

I'm opening. I'm opening up for. What's his name? Pork Chop or Jelly Rol. I'm opening for Jelly Roll. I'm opening for Jelly Roll and a woman who's on a housewife show who's never performed live. It's gonna be fun.

[C]

That's cool.

[B]

I'm.

[C]

I'm opening for the American Nazi party over there.

[D]

Ain't no party like an American Nazi party.

[E]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Oh, that. The idea of doing a 700 seat theater and being like, I have no material.

[C]

I've never done this.

[B]

Someone gets $500.

[C]

Jesus Christ.

[B]

You know what? Netflix is a joke.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

All right, James.

[E]

Love you.

[B]

Mean it.

[E]

Stay there.

[H]

Summer smells like salt in the air and warm sand. Restore your sense of place with Pura's new summer fragrance collection. Discover transportive clean [e-mail].