183 - The Past Times with Luke Simmons

Summary

The Dollop - Episode 183: The Past Times with Luke Simmons
July 17, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this episode of "The Past Times," comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds are joined by guest Luke Simmons for their trademark comedic dissection of a historical American newspaper—in this case, the Pierre Weekly Free Press from August 4, 1892. The group shares witty banter, discusses absurdities and unintentional comedy from the articles, and riffs on the cultural quirks and parallels between past and present. The episode’s tone is loose, irreverent, and quick-witted, leaning heavily into improvisation and satirical commentary.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Technical Troubles and Banter (00:02–03:38)

• Luke as Tech Guy and Guest: Opening riff on Luke handling both guest duties and technical setup, fumbling with equipment.
• Running Joke: Frequent asides about Luke being “Luke Wires” and references to problematic past recording sessions.
• Cannibalism Bit: Luke, a vegetarian, facetiously claims he'd eat human if necessary. ("I'd be comfortable if push came to shove eating a person." – Luke, 02:22)

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2. Guess the Newspaper Year Game (03:54–06:14)

• Game Segment: Each tries to guess the year of the paper based on clues, discussing the Reichstag fire and American history.
• Reveal: The paper is from 1892 (Pierre, South Dakota).
• Meta Commentary: Dave and Gareth poke fun at their own lack of consistent rules for the guessing game.
  — Notable quote:

  “There's not really a consistent set of rules.” – Gareth (05:54)

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3. Time, the Equal Hour Theory, and Daylight Savings (06:50–10:14)

• Historical Segment: The group learns about the “equal hour theory” — the leveling out of hours regardless of season.
• Modern Relevance: Discussion veers into daylight savings time, its agricultural origins, complaints about its persistence, and failed reforms. — Notable quote:

  “Makes more sense than daylight savings.” – Gareth (08:27)

• Random asides: Jokes about surfers, orphaned children, and the politics of time zone changes.

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4. Book Thieves and Libraries in the Old West (10:39–15:12)

• Article: Story about a notorious book collector who would steal rare volumes from others’ libraries.
• Comedic Riff: Fantasizing about “bibliomania” being a crime and the logistics of book theft.
• Modern Parallels: Jokes about Amazon's warehouses and possible "Amazon police," as well as the prioritization of robots over humans in worker conditions. — Notable quote:

  “They’ve recently started air conditioning some warehouses… because of the robots.” – Dave (15:24)

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5. On Robots and Terminology (15:05–16:48)

• Emergence of “Clankers”: Luke introduces 'clankers' as a slur for robots, foreseeing forced empathy for machines as they become sentient.
• Pop Culture Callbacks: References to Johnny 5, Chappie, and Fisher Stevens’ brownface portrayal. — Notable quote:

  “At some point, they're gonna force me to be like, 'they're just doing their job.'” – Luke (16:12)

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6. Pseudoscience: Hands, Character, and Old-Timey Nonsense (17:05–24:13)

• Article: A 19th-century theory that a man’s character is reflected in how he carries his hands.
• Satire: The hosts deconstruct the “science” of clenched fists, mock its arbitrariness, and riff about businesspeople’s supposed posture. — Notable quote:

  “Businessmen don't walk around with their fists clenched all the time.” – Gareth (22:02)

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7. Discussion on Reality TV, Patriotism, and French Critiques (18:06–20:54)

• Luke’s Anecdotes: Working on trashy American reality TV, discussing "Midget Wrestling League" and defending American television to a French journalist.
• Reverse Patriotism: Jabs at French culinary pride vs. American fast food. — Notable quote:

  “You guys just eat buttery bread all day." – Gareth (20:42)

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8. Lawmakers, Palm-Hitting, and Public Displays (23:05–24:04)

• Article: Lawmakers hitting desks with knuckles vs. palms as a sign of determination.
• Satirical Deconstruction: Joking about hand-based theories of success and referencing Bob Dole’s famous clenched hand.

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9. American Political Satire, Present and Future (24:13–27:44)

• Political Absurdism: Riff on how close America is to “full idiocracy,” referencing proposed UFC fights on the White House lawn and dystopian politics.
• Survival Amidst Chaos: Discussion of daily life continuing alongside societal collapse. — Notable quote:

  “In about a year from now, you'll walk out of your house to go to work and a guy will run by on fire and it won't even phase you.” – Dave (26:31)

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10. Sleep in the Philippines & Servant Alarm Clocks (27:27–32:32)

• Article: Cultural beliefs around sleep in the Philippines; waking someone is taboo as the soul may wander.
• Comedic Angle: Extended riff on servants acting as human alarm clocks, colonialism, and the dignity of sleep. — Notable quote:

  “You're missing the servant POV.” – Gareth (32:15)
  “My entire goal in life has been to use my alarm clock as least as possible.” – Luke (28:22)

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11. Classic Grandpa Song & Wake-up Anthems (32:49–33:56)

• Personal Memory: Luke shares a macabre grandpa song about killing the bugler to stay in bed.
• Group Amusement: The hosts react with mock horror and delight at the dark humor.

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12. Prison Labor and Daring Escapes (36:37–39:40)

• Article: A convict escapes from a labor gang by being buried in dirt by his comrades.
• Comedic Fantasies: Luke and Gareth theorize about their own prison survival strategies and loyalty in a lockup scenario.
  — Notable quote:

  “No prison can hold me.” – Luke (38:45)
  “It very effectively will hold me, and I'll betray the trust of my friends.” – Dave (38:52)

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13. Breakfast Rituals, Food Lobbies, and European Eating Habits (40:08–41:52)

• Riff on Breakfast: American vs. European breakfast norms and how food lobbies influenced what we consider breakfast food.
• Pastry Weight: The phenomenon of eating lighter fare while traveling due to increased walking.

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14. The Rise of Advertisement Writing (41:56–43:47)

• Article: Emergence of advertising as a lucrative career in late 19th-century America.
• Modern Parallels: Comparison of salaries, jokes about ad men “punching up” even basic ads like “I have bricks,” inventing comedic jingles on the spot.

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15. The Inception of Columbus Day (45:15–46:22)

• Article: Declaration of October 21 as Columbus Day. The group jokes about American exceptionalism and the myth of “discovering” a populated continent.

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16. Presidents, Tub Deaths & Political Trivia (46:29–48:21)

• Presidential Trivia: Riffing on which president died in a tub (it was Taft, but he didn’t die there), misremembered presidential deaths, and the frailty of 19th-century heads of state.

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17. Pseudoscience: Earth's Liquid Future (48:51–50:46)

• Doomsday Science: 19th-century scientist predicts erosion will level all land in 6 million years, producing a Waterworld scenario.
• Modern Satire: The group draws comparisons to contemporary misinformation and misinterpretations in the media. — Notable quote:

  “This is exactly what ... anti climate change guys ... do. They find one scientist and go, 'See, that's what's gonna happen.'” – Dave (50:22)

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18. Fashion, Femininity, and “Street Cleaning Dresses” (52:40–54:16)

• Article: Long-trained skirts and big bonnets stem from English, then lampooned as the first street cleaners.
• Social Satire: The hosts call out the author’s misogyny and how fashion is always a target for moral panic.

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19. Unfortunate Events & Danger Stats (56:15–60:21)

• Mini-segment: Absurd-sounding news blurbs (“Two bragadocious lose their lives in a Mexican volcano,” fatal sunstrokes, and mass ice cream poisonings).
• Jokes: Gareth riffs on modern equivalent health hazards (Legionnaire's disease, cooling towers, Covid, etc.).

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20. Racist Pseudoscience About Babies (60:49–62:28)

• Article: Claims babies are more disturbed by black clothing than white.
• Instant Satire: The hosts call out the racism, lampoon the "science," and rattle off fake credentials and research.
• Endgame Bit: Luke jokes about testing the theory by startling a baby while wearing black; Gareth forbids him. Discussion pivots to the idea of a comedians' world tour "bottomless."

— Notable quote:

“I'm Dr. Poopy Stupid. And here are some things I've come up with.” – Gareth (62:03)

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Notable Quotes

• "I'd be comfortable if push came to shove eating a person. And I don't eat any meat yet." – Luke (02:22)
• "Businessmen don't walk around with their fists clenched all the time." – Gareth (22:02)
• "No prison can hold me." – Luke (38:45)
• "You know, it's very strange about sleep is how we just... for six to eight hours, our souls do leave our bodies somewhere else." – Gareth (29:25)
• "There are many indicators like it. When Adam Curtis makes the do on whatever we're going through, we will be like, genuinely like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, there, there, there, there, there, there." – Dave (20:50)
• "My entire goal in life has been to use my alarm clock as least as possible." – Luke (28:22)
• "Clankers. There's some people who like using it too much... another way to be like, 'You don't want these clankers taking your jab, are you?’" – Luke (16:09)

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Segment Timestamps

• Technical Troubles & Introduction: 00:02–03:38
• Guessing the Year Game: 03:54–06:14
• Equal Hour Theory & Time Discussion: 06:50–10:14
• Book Collector Crime Story: 10:39–15:12
• Amazon Robots & Labor: 15:05–16:48
• Hands & Character Pseudoscience: 17:05–24:04
• Reality TV & French Patriotism: 18:06–20:54
• Lawmakers Hammering Table: 23:05–24:04
• Political Absurdism & Idiocracy: 24:13–27:44
• Philippine Sleep Customs: 27:27–32:32
• Grandpa Wake-Up Song: 32:49–33:56
• Prison Escape Story: 36:37–39:40
• Breakfast Cultures & Food Lobbies: 40:08–41:52
• Advertising as a Profession: 41:56–43:47
• Columbus Day Origin: 45:15–46:22
• Presidential Trivia: 46:29–48:21
• Earth's Watery Doom: 48:51–50:46
• Women's Fashion Rant: 52:40–54:16
• Unfortunate Events Roundup: 56:15–60:21
• Racist Baby 'Science': 60:49–62:28

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Final Thoughts & Tone

The episode is a whirlwind of improvisation and satirical historical commentary, blending absurdist comedy with biting social criticism. The trio exposes the oddities and prejudices of the past while drawing darkly comic parallels with today’s world. If you enjoy punchy tangents, unfiltered riffs, and the surreal intersection of history and comedy, this episode is prime Dollop.

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For fans of irreverent history podcasts, improv, and razor-sharp wit, this episode is both a hilarious ride through the weirdness of the late 19th century and a grimly funny mirror held up to 21st-century America.

Transcript

[A]

Welcome to the Past Times. It's a podcast. Someone's finally doing it. You know, we do here each week we go through newspaper from a random date in history picked out by none other than Dave Anthony. I, Gareth Reynolds, have never seen it and neither has this week's guest, the lunatic. The Luke Natick. Luke Simmons. Just. There we go. Hi, Luke. How are you?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

What are those beeps?

[B]

This is. The Luke cam is giving me a hard time.

[C]

You're gonna record it on your laptop?

[A]

Luki Wires would be his name if

[C]

he was in the mob instead of the camera.

[B]

Well, the camera won't start. Why is he. Stop saying you're gonna power down.

[A]

Maybe. So this is. I know why this is. This is his. Luke is running the tech as well as he's the guest.

[C]

This is normal Luke stuff.

[A]

Yeah. All right. There we go. And then the celebration when it's all fine. Super word tight wires everywhere.

[C]

If you listen to the Bo Grits episodes and you're wondering why the sound is off. Luke came in and made some adjustments.

[B]

Actually, no. Luke was on the phone with you, trying to work you guys through it and said very specifically, do me a favor, just test it first. But there was no time.

[A]

Well, because we'd spent an hour resetting it.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Trying to.

[B]

And all that time wasted with nary a test.

[C]

Why were we resetting it again?

[B]

I don't know. I reset it again all this morning. It's the reason that there's an audio engineer usually in a studio like Aaron's in the.

[C]

So this is our. This is.

[B]

No, but it's certainly not mine.

[A]

We go through a newspaper from a random date in history. Luke, what. What do you want to talk about? What are you promoting? What do you have going on? Who is your best friend and where are. Where you eventually will probably be dealing with treasure maps and hunting treasure and stuff like that. When do you think that comes to fruition fully with you?

[B]

I think it all like we all will be hunting treasure in a way soon. Which will be.

[A]

But you specifically, you'll. What are the odds in your life you eat your own foot and like grill it and eat it or over a fire that you've made with above something you have in your wallet.

[B]

I'd say above average. But I'd also say this is a conversation I've had a lot of times when somebody presses me on my vegetarianism is that, you know, I think I'd be comfortable if push came to shove eating a person. And I don't eat any meat yet. Because I don't have to.

[A]

But the second I do, you'll be eating human.

[B]

I need another person.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Dave coming for all of us?

[D]

I don't know.

[C]

I was. I. I blanked out after he said it's certainly not mine.

[B]

Who do you think would be the tastiest of the three of us?

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

You?

[B]

I don't think so.

[A]

You're fleshier. Me? Why?

[B]

You eat very clean, a lot of like, lean.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Vegetables. Grass fed. Essentially.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

The stuff I ate on the drive back from the east coast this week was nightmarish even by my standard.

[A]

Yeah, he got a sandwich at a gas station.

[C]

So this just isn't a bad if. As long as it's a bean burrito. That. I don't think that's that bad.

[A]

Well, let's. But let's just talk about what. What happened to your body on the drive. Were you shutting down? Were you like bowels wise? Was classic. Just regular, regular diarrhea. No, no regular diarrhea. Just standard diarrhea.

[B]

Standard, regular poop.

[A]

Okay, all right.

[D]

But.

[C]

But for you. But for you is a standard poop diarrhea?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, it's not. It's. It's one continuous. There's no breakage.

[A]

It's just now I want to stop. And I started it. All right, Dave.

[B]

The Coily boys, I call them.

[A]

Oh, my God. No. All right, Luke, so you are the guest. You also, if people like you, you're on our Patreon a lot. You'll. We are. I actually have received some new snacks for Luke. We're in the midst of a lot of Q and A Patreon stuff with you, but you get to guess what year this paper will be from. This is actually very interesting because I could see Dave wanting us to both lose this. Sure. So I. I could see this. I could see me having the potential to win this one. I don't know. It's hard to know. I mean, I would think for consistency he would want you to win, but I also, these. These are two people he knows. So it could be we both lost

[B]

the one in the golf carts van.

[A]

Oh, did we? Oh, I don't remember that.

[B]

I'm going to guess 1933.

[A]

Oh, interesting.

[C]

He's wrong.

[A]

Well, hold on.

[B]

Tell you why.

[A]

No, Tell you why you're wrong.

[B]

No, that why I guessed it.

[D]

Oh.

[B]

Because I was looking up what year was the Reichstag fire. Isn't it crazy that Big Balls is our Reichstag fire?

[A]

I don't think he Is. Do you think he is. I don't think he is gonna be

[C]

a lot worse than that. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. And I honestly don't think they even need a big. They don't even need that anymore. They kind of self.

[C]

They did it, but they didn't need it. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. They've like been doing. I mean, they've been doing a slow one for. It's been a slow burn forever. The victimization and the. Yeah, I will guess.

[B]

I'll guess.

[A]

I like. I do like that guess. I'll guess. 1906, Gareth wins.

[C]

It's 1892.

[A]

You mother, you. I love you.

[C]

You were much closer.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

What?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

What?

[C]

That's. That's the. That's this week's rules, like, all set up.

[B]

Is it always closest without going over?

[C]

No, there's different.

[A]

Well, you went over too.

[C]

There's different variables. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. There's not really a consistent set of rules, but.

[B]

Dave, what. What do you have guessed if you were gonna.

[C]

I would have guessed like 1917.

[B]

Okay, so Gareth takes it.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, but then Gareth probably would have lost. It's the Pierre Weekly Free Press. Pierre, S.D.

[A]

aug. 4, S.D does not deserve having a Pierre in it. 92, by the way, I went to France when it had appear.

[C]

And so to me, I think that's their capital. Is it not?

[A]

No, South Dakotas, no.

[C]

Here, I think it's Pierre.

[B]

I think Pierre is. How you say Garrett's father's name in French?

[A]

It's a different answer to a question.

[C]

Sure, let's look it up. South Dakota, capital, Pierre. Bada boom. What legend.

[B]

What's Bismarck. Is that North Dakota?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't know. I think that's just something you hear in cartoons.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Abdul Hassan, an Arabian horologist who lived in the.

[A]

Now let's none of us do it because. No.

[C]

In the 13th horologist. Is that better?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Who lived in the 13th century, was the first man to introduce the equal hour theory. Go ahead and tell us what the equal hour theory is, Luke.

[B]

That all hours should be equal, but they're not. Even though work hours feel much longer than.

[A]

Feels like it's been an hour since he started talking.

[C]

What's your guess for the equal hour?

[A]

Equal hour theory would be that people should work on a clear. People should work at night, further away.

[C]

So what's your guess? Before. Before they started doing this, like at the beginning, they divided time into two categories. Nighttime and daytime.

[A]

That's kind of what I meant.

[C]

And then. Then they took the daytime hours and divided them but because the daytime hours are longer and shorter, depending where you are, then someone's like, well, what if we do equal hours?

[A]

Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah. Okay.

[C]

So then they came up with equal

[A]

hours

[C]

all the time.

[A]

So then it's just kind of like

[B]

makes your sundial useless. Yeah.

[C]

Divided into equal times.

[A]

Right?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

I don't hate it, by the way.

[C]

I don't hate it either. It was. I thought that was an interesting fact to learn.

[A]

Makes more sense than daylight savings.

[C]

Do you believe we voted against that in California to get rid of it? And they stood like five years ago.

[A]

And they're like, that's the thing is, like, there are things. There's just like, Trump has a lot of stupid things that you're like, yeah, you know what? Probably, yeah, like, just do give him those wins so that he stops going ambitious.

[C]

That wasn't even him.

[A]

No, it's happened for ages. But it's the same with get rid of the penny.

[C]

The reason we have it is. Is, like, for farmers.

[A]

Farmers.

[C]

It all started from farmers because, like, it's from before car time.

[A]

Like, we don't need it before car time.

[C]

Pre cars.

[A]

I. I don't do bcad. I do bct.

[B]

I'm trying to think if I would like if the hours were shorter in the winter.

[A]

He was quite distant in his thoughts for a minute while we talked. And it was all because he's like,

[B]

I was trying to work out the math on it. And you'd have to stay later in the summer at work, in school, but you're out of school and you're out of work.

[A]

I think they would find a way to make those hours be irrelevant as far as work goes.

[C]

The only people I've heard who I think have a legitimate gripe are the guys who surf early in the morning because it would make it darker earlier in the morning so they wouldn't be able to surf before work.

[A]

Look, Dave, I know you're only guys.

[C]

I've heard that.

[A]

I know you're out in there riding the pow. But if those. Yeah, the liquid pow. But if those are the.

[B]

That's when you do a bump of cocaine and surf.

[C]

No, that was just.

[A]

I. I'm trying, bro.

[C]

No, you're not.

[A]

And I know you guys are out there a lot. I know you guys are out there a lot and you're twerking the board. But. But I think if those are our biggest. If. If it's a surfing problem, I think it's okay if you're hanging dong.

[C]

Why haven't Heard anybody else who has a legitimate gripe against changing the time?

[A]

What about orphaned children?

[C]

Why would they.

[A]

Girls. You want to. Well, you're just discounting them, as usual. Go ahead, keep going. It's only one person has been the voice of tiny orphan girls on this show. Guess it'll just continue to be my role.

[C]

It's a creepy thing that you're doing.

[F]

No.

[C]

2A2 enterprising collector. There used to be a book collector in this city who was the terror of all who knew him.

[A]

That's awesome.

[C]

That's pretty common for book collectors.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

That's the plot of the show. You on Netflix? He's a book collector and he murders ladies. Go on.

[A]

Oh, I bet you love that, don't you?

[C]

Is that it? Okay.

[A]

There's, like, by the way, Luke has

[B]

seen every show, and some men. He's very. It's Pen Badgley. So he's very charming the whole time. Go ahead.

[A]

Go ahead.

[C]

He was well to do and a very learned man. He was a great buyer of books and owned a fine library.

[B]

But still you. But the plot of you.

[C]

Nobody else's library was safe if it contained a book he coveted. For a long time, his victims did not suspect him. He would call, spend an hour or two among their books, and go away. Finally, one bibliomaniac. Bibliomaniac who had suffered most severely.

[A]

I'm actually a bibliophile.

[C]

Had his suspicious pages are all stuck together.

[A]

That's. Don't mind me.

[C]

I'm a bibliomaniac. Where are your books? Where your books?

[B]

I love the smell of the paper.

[A]

Security guard. Just like we got a bibliomania right over here in periodicals right now. Excuse me. Why are you all gathered around me?

[B]

Sir, Go ahead and unroll the magazine for us.

[A]

I will. When you all close your eyes simultaneously. Smoke bomb.

[C]

So he went to his lawyer.

[A]

His lawyer's like, bro. All right, look, you. You. I keep. I can't keep doing this.

[C]

The lawyer had him make out a list of the volumes that were lost. They were all of extreme rarity and of great value. Armed with this list, the lawyer called on the suspected man and introduced himself as a collector from the West. He had heard of the gentleman as a bibliophile of authority and wished to consult him about some books which had been offered him before he concluded upon their purchase.

[A]

It is bibliophile over bibliomaniac.

[C]

Now it's bibliophile. Earlier, it was bibliomania. Yeah, no, I think bibliomaniac is not an actual term.

[A]

No, they're just right. Right.

[C]

It should be an actual term.

[A]

Absolutely. It should be like a reefer madness, for instance.

[C]

Joe Rogan is probably a bibliomaniac.

[B]

He's a bibliophobe. That's crazy. Can someone else look that up?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

What were the books? The host asked, and he ran off the titles of several of the stolen volumes. Nonsense, he said. Nobody can sell you them. I own the only copies in the country. The next day, the lawyer wrote a letter which resulted in the restoration of the spoil to its rightful owner. How many rare books belonging to other collectors remain in the collection, for it has never been sold, for obvious reasons, no one can say.

[A]

A little lost in the sauce is where it ended up with the books. But he's the criminal. This guy's the guy. Go, our guy, stealing books. He's going into the library. He finds books that are rare, he steals them and then sells and then. And then tries to sell.

[B]

My questions are more practical of, like, what's he tucking them in his waistband? Just walking out with a couple. That was awesome.

[A]

Think of how easy it is to steal from a library. I mean, it's like.

[C]

It's really easy to steal.

[A]

Like, they were. The whole thing was. They were just like, yeah, it's cool. It's again, it's honor system. So if you wanted to steal from

[C]

the library, stealing a book is no different than stealing a steak.

[A]

What?

[C]

It's flat, it's thin. You slip it down the front.

[A]

Who's stealing steaks?

[C]

Don't worry about it.

[A]

Dave's a steakophile.

[C]

I'm a steak. A phobe, actually.

[A]

Yeah, I'm a ribeye file.

[B]

Stealing them all from the public library.

[A]

That would be great. To be arrested for stealing books. Like, sir. He also has a lot of stakes in his pants. Well, I think you've figured out my theme.

[C]

Do you think. You think it has been shot yet for stealing just a bottle of his piss from a library?

[A]

That what you think?

[C]

It's been shot yet from stealing books from the library? Like, they. They bring them back too late, and they're like, I'm not paying, and then the librarian just shoots them. That's got to happen.

[B]

I bet Old west, it did once or twice.

[A]

I bet it's more now. Going into a library gets your shot. Yeah, that's more likely.

[C]

I hope so.

[A]

It's coming.

[B]

How long? This is kind of an A to C question. How long till Amazon has a dedicated police force?

[C]

Oh, very quickly.

[A]

Oh, God.

[C]

If not already.

[B]

It's just the same logo, but it's flipped around.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I've always been creeped out by the Amazon logo. Even before they became the most evil, I was like, that smile's not cool.

[C]

You want to hear a great Amazon fact?

[A]

Sure.

[C]

They've recently started air conditioning some of their. This is warehouses because of. Because of the robots. They are not doing the ones that are manned by humans back in the day.

[A]

Well, the robots can't survive the heat.

[C]

Back in the day, they used to just have ambulances outside for when the people passed out.

[A]

Now, the robot treatment, I feel like

[B]

it's going to get the. No one else is upset about this, and I don't know that I think it's a waste of time for me to be upset.

[C]

Hold on, let me just. Brace yourselves.

[A]

If you're standing up or you're holding a plate of food, just get that stuff. Sit down. Put the thing down.

[B]

Have you heard the new fun, like, slur for robots that everyone's using?

[A]

No.

[B]

Clankers.

[A]

Oh, right.

[B]

There's some people who like using it too much in a way that's like. I feel like at some point they're gonna force me to be like, well, give them a. They're just doing their job. Like, it's. They're going to. It feels like yet another way to be like. You don't want these clankers taking your jab, are you?

[C]

Are you? I'm saying you don't want the clankers.

[B]

You don't. You don't. But I'm saying we're still at a point where they could just stop making it, but they are going to make them and they are going to become sentient. And if Johnny 5 or Chappie is any indication, I'm going to feel emotionally invested in them at some point. That's what I'm concerned about.

[C]

How are you already pro sentient robot?

[B]

Because I grew up on Johnny 5, which also Fisher Stevens, not Indian.

[A]

Jesus Christ. Stop. You're doing a Luke now. We're talking about Fisher Stevens. Brown face. Let's all come back to Earth. You say it's an A to C. It's an A through the Alphabet.

[C]

Okay. How men carry their hands. A sure indication of a character is found in the way in which a man carries his hands, said C.G. clark of Boston. You notice men on the streets seeing the young man with swinging arms and palms which are displayed to all who take the trouble to look.

[A]

It would be great to put this guy into the world. We're in now. Where he'd be like, sweet mother of God, what the. Like, his, like, main grab. He's like, some gentlemen, let me tell you what to do with your hands. He's like, is that guy eating poop for some money to get some food?

[B]

Bring back the swinging arms.

[A]

Good God.

[B]

Bring back the swinging.

[A]

Sweet God.

[B]

One time I got told in an

[A]

old job, he almost asked if he could do this. And that was like, you know, I'm going to do it.

[C]

Because they'll say, he just.

[B]

I got told at an old job that I was making, I made a commercial for this TV show. And the exact note I got back from the network heads was, you made the show seem kind of low class and trashy.

[D]

It is.

[B]

I was like, I made the show about. And I quote from the subtitle of the show, the Midget Wrestling League, where they staple money to their balls and drink urine. Look, trashy.

[C]

Is this a man show?

[A]

Is it available on.

[B]

It's called Half Pint Brawlers.

[A]

Okay. Let's all take a minute. And now we'll be able to get back Dave. Dave, I'm going to. As your lawyer, I'm going to recommend you don't do what you're about to do.

[C]

How many years ago was that?

[B]

Had to be over 10, probably over 10, under 20.

[C]

Yeah, that was. That was when that all the really. There was like a onrush of really horrifying reality shows.

[A]

Well, bum fights came out and then everyone was like, oh, so we're like, done with everything.

[B]

I one time.

[A]

Here we go.

[B]

Got into a conversation with a French journalist who was. It was whatever. The reason I was talking to her is not important. But it came up that I at the time worked at Spike tv and somebody brought up, oh, that's my phone. Sorry. The man.

[C]

Hold on. I've never seen that.

[B]

What? Everything rings?

[C]

No, just someone hit the button through their pants. Usually people reach.

[A]

Still ringing.

[C]

Usually people reach into their.

[A]

It's his watch now.

[C]

Into their pocket to silence it. But you just do it.

[B]

Just did. Very sensitive. Okay, we're back. And we're back. The show Maners came up.

[A]

You've been talking about a Parisian journalist.

[B]

Yeah. This French journalist was writing an article on my friend who's like a very fancy jazz guitarist. And he was like, my brother works on a show at the same place Luke works it called Mansers. He was describing what it was and how one of the. We played a preview for it. And I was like, how big does a boob have to be?

[A]

To crush a beer can.

[B]

And the French journalist was like, but this is just America. No. And I got weirdly defensive and was like, yeah, but you know what? I bet that beer crane gets crushed because we get things done. Well, nothing makes me feel more patriotic than the French questioning what we're up to. I'm like, all right, you know what?

[C]

You got a lot of vacation.

[B]

I do think us.

[A]

I do think the one thing that will turn you patriotic is the French giving you guff. It's like when the French are like, well, because everything you eat is trash. You'd be like, actually, when was the

[B]

last time you were at Taco Bell? The Crunch Wrap is a pretty well constructed piece of food.

[A]

You guys just eat buttery bread all day.

[B]

Must be nice.

[A]

Trump. Trump. Trump. Trump.

[C]

I was just going to say that when those shows started coming out, we should have known we were doomed.

[A]

There are many indicators like it.

[D]

When.

[A]

When Adam Curtis makes the do on whatever we're going through, we will be like, genuinely like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There, there, there, there, there, there, there.

[B]

Whoops.

[C]

Okay, so back to the guy with the swinging arms and palms out. He is one of that class whose heart is open as his hands. He's frank, unsuspicious, a free spender, and a believer in the honesty of his fellows. Notice the businessman more advanced in years. His hands are always closed so tightly that he gives you the impression he is ever expecting an attack. This is the attitude of men bent upon a certain object. It is an attitude which displays the qualities of determination and fight.

[A]

You know, this is one. This. What's such a luxury about this time, or leading up to the time of just ubiquitous footage is that you could just say this, and someone would just be like, huh? Oh, I guess I never noticed that. It's like. It's not true. Businessmen don't walk around with their fist clenched all the time.

[C]

No, it's interesting.

[A]

If anything, they're the calmest people right now because they. That. That's just like.

[C]

Yes. I just never noticed. But now.

[A]

Yeah, because you know what? I'm not around the business community a lot.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Now I. Now that I. Now that I think of businessmen, I do notice that they walk around with tight clenched fists.

[A]

You know, now that you mention it, they do always seem like they have punch hands.

[B]

You think the fists are clenched? You should see the butts.

[A]

Todd, we're gonna have to ask you. Step away for a minute.

[C]

Step out of the room, please.

[A]

Okay, so anyway. So loose, Todd.

[B]

They flappy walks around with them Completely relaxed, Todd.

[A]

All right. The door's shut, so I think that'll be a good part of the p. Keeps his. I don't know. He must have a key. Do you have a key to the door?

[B]

There's a little window at the bottom.

[A]

Oh, well, that was for the cat. Well, yeah. Christ.

[B]

I'm a curious cat myself, and I'm trying to check out your butts.

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[C]

Sir? Yes, please leave.

[A]

Okay, I'm just gonna start kicking through the cat door until I start mashing his face in.

[C]

In debate, you will observe some of our lawmakers emphasize a statement by hammering the desk before them with their knuckles, while others, psychos, hit, while others, equally impassioned, are satisfied with the use of the palm. You may rest assured that if sheer determination will succeed, the man who applies his knuckles will win before his colleague who uses his palm.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, well, anyone who's palm hitting a table is weird.

[B]

So knuckles over palm. This guy's opinion. Is this the same guy? Yeah, he's got a lot of hand opinions.

[A]

Well, that's what the whole angle is.

[C]

The article is about.

[D]

He's.

[A]

He's a hand guy.

[C]

He's a guy who notices what goes on with hands.

[B]

He can't just.

[A]

They didn't bring in a separate. Separate guy to be like, I'm the table doctor.

[C]

So he basically is saying that the softer the hand, the less successful you are.

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

Yeah, right?

[C]

Tighter. The tighter and ready to punch and smash. That's. That's the successful man.

[A]

Well, I don't think Bob Toll it. I. To be fair, I'm gonna jump in quickly. I don't believe that Bob Doles was not clenching his fist by choice.

[C]

He was.

[A]

I do love the. I love the guy who worked for Bob Dole. I was like, gentlemen, what if we put a pen in that hand? Now we have someone who's constantly trying to sign agreements. Great. Well, I would. If I was there, I'd be like, we should put a sword in that hand. But you really think a sword is the right idea?

[D]

Today?

[C]

There would be a sword holding a gun all the time.

[B]

Gentlemen, a tiny derringer. We're close.

[A]

Republican presidential nominee Bob Dole clenching his always gun.

[C]

How far away do you think we are from a guy just so close walking around in Congress?

[A]

So close. It is official that we are having a UFC fight on the White House lawn on July 4th next year. I mean, it is fully, unrecognizably over now. It is. It is that. That's kind of it.

[B]

Do you Ever think about the fact that the most inaccurate part of idiocracy is that the president is black? That's the only thing it's not wrong.

[A]

No.

[C]

Yeah,

[A]

it's fucking tough.

[C]

I mean, I don't think any of us can wait for the. The first. The first woman president will be a Republican.

[A]

Oh, without a doubt.

[D]

Because.

[A]

I mean. Yeah, because of obvious reasons.

[B]

How many. How many undercard fights at the July 4th event do you think there will be of the DC homeless?

[C]

Oh, to the death versus, like, robot dogs. But when do you think that. That they. Someone just floats out there. Maybe we should have fights to the

[B]

death, like, for a house.

[A]

I don't. I really. I. I mean, we did this with the Kristi Noem Border game show. I really.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, we are. We are like six months in. I mean, it is.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

It's unprocessable. What's coming. We can't see it anymore.

[B]

You still gotta, like, pay the electric bill. Like, that's the, like all the other regular stuff.

[A]

Yeah, right.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

We're still gonna pay for still ZOOM meetings. And they're like. And they've just. There's a five minute chunk at the

[A]

beginning of the regular C fight on the Rose Garden this next summer on July 4th. But yeah, no, you still got to buy insurance.

[C]

In about a year from now, you'll walk out of your house to go to work and a guy will run by on fire and it won't even phase you. You just get a car and drive.

[B]

No, another fire guy today.

[A]

I.

[B]

Another one?

[A]

Yeah. No, that's what I mean with the Adam Curtis. Like, you just will be like. Like, I remember one time in Studio City, I was walking to a fucking yoga class, and I just saw a guy with no shirt and no shoes running down the street. Yeah. Like, he was being chased. And I was like, oh, my God. And I was. I watched everybody else just kind of be like. And I was like, all right, I guess there's. Okay.

[C]

Well, when I. When I lived in. On Haight street, you know, there was. It was like a stabbing epidemic at that point. It was so bad that we were at a bar and the Southern hate and. And some cops walked in and went, nobody walk east. There's a lot of stabbings. So we're like, okay. So I walked out of my. I stayed at my buddy's house. No, left South Hayton. I walked out of his house in the morning, just a guy had been stabbed. La.

[A]

On the sidewalk.

[C]

And I'm like. And people are like, walking By. And I'm like, hey, that guy's been stabbed. Anyway, notions about sleep. 1. Speaking of a guy sleeping on the sidewalk, one of the.

[A]

Dave, that guy wasn't sleeping well, was he? No, he was dead. He was stabbed asleep.

[C]

He was.

[A]

He was stabbed asleep.

[C]

Very, very stabbing. Makes you very sleepy.

[A]

So funny to walk up and be like, well, someone's got a case of the sleepies. Hey, my friend, I'll tell you what, you must be allergic to sleep. You're bleeding out.

[B]

Listen to that snort. Oh, that's a death rattle. I'm sorry.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

One of the rudest acts in the eyes of a native of the Philippine Islands is to step over a person asleep on the floor, put him in jail. Sleeping is with them a very solemn matter. Yeah, yeah, it's sleeping.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Stepping over someone while they sleep. I've had to do that at, like, slumber parties.

[C]

Here's the thing about sleeping. Let them sleep. Yeah, that's it. Let them sleep. Yes, I have built my life around. My entire goal in life has been to use my alarm clock. As you said, alarm clock. Alarm clock. As least as possible. But that's a different thing. At least as possible. Not have to use the alarm as much as possible. And then that is a successful no.

[A]

I've seen you retort to people on Twitter when people are like saying something like, yeah, no, I've set my life up so I don't have to get up at that time. So I am sometimes up at 3am Going crazy.

[C]

People like, why are you up so late? What are you doing? And I'm just like, yeah, no, my life doesn't have a schedule. Yours does.

[A]

Yeah. Have you ever heard of the equal hours theory? That's kind of what I'm working with, you fools.

[C]

Sleeping is with them a very solemn matter. They are strongly averse to waking anyone. The yes. The idea being that during sleep the soul is absent from the body and may not have time to return if slumber is suddenly broken. I do not disagree.

[A]

You know what? You know, it's very strange about sleep is how we just. We like we're sitting here doing all this. Like, this is the jobs report. All this. And then every night for between six to eight hours, we all do. Our souls do leave our bodies somewhere else. And then we just wake up and we're like, I do eggs and got to go to my little office job where you should probably be like, sorry, you went to space again last night. We're just going to space, riding little dragons. And what's going on with us. Nobody ever stops to be like, I think there might be some more happening with our brains than we're letting on.

[B]

Yeah. And if you don't, it's like one of the quickest ways to just die if you're just actively not ever sleeping.

[A]

Yeah, right. Yeah, right. That's what happened. That guy in front of Dave's.

[C]

That's right. If you call upon a native and are told he is asleep, you may as well depart. To get a servant to rouse you, you must give him the strictest of orders.

[A]

Taking a bit of a turn now.

[C]

Then at the time appointed, he will stand by your side and call Senior. Senior repeatedly.

[A]

This is really getting dark now.

[C]

This is the Philippines, senor.

[A]

It's not great.

[B]

It's because the Spanish colonized it.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Okay, Fair.

[B]

This. The original language is called like tag log or something.

[C]

I think you're making stuff up now, but yes.

[B]

I don't know how to say it, but there was that. And then the Spanish colonize it. And then we came in and liberated it. Yes.

[C]

That's what we did. That's what we did.

[A]

You guys hate freedom.

[C]

It had nothing to do with what was. Was some crop that we wanted. They were growing cheaply and we wanted.

[A]

Doesn't sound like.

[C]

It doesn't sound like us.

[A]

It's always very strange how there's something that would be a good resource for us in our liberation zones.

[C]

Each time more loudly than before until you are half awake. Then he will return to the low note and again raise his voice gradually until you are fully consc.

[A]

So it's like those alarms where they get. Like the light gets brighter, but with your servant, which is cool. I like that. Your servant's like, hey, what's your name?

[C]

Snooze. Snooze. Could you come over here for a minute? I have a job for you.

[A]

Senor. Senor. Senor. Senor. Senor. Senor. Senor. Senor. Senor. Morning, my friend. Senor.

[C]

I'm not gonna hire you. I've heard better.

[A]

You want to snooze, you just slap him across the face in five, you fool.

[C]

So the basic idea of this is that they live a better life. And we decided that work is the thing that's important. And they're like, no sleep well.

[A]

I mean, but you also. You're. You're missing the servant pov. There is the servant who's like, hey, would also love to be a part of this journey.

[C]

Who wakes up.

[A]

How does the servant wake up us in Terror.

[C]

But who wakes up the servant?

[A]

The servant has to figure that out on their own.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Because we're talking about pre alarm clocks, right? So the servant has to be probably

[A]

like has to sleep with their head out the window.

[C]

Does he have a senor guy? Are there. Are there different.

[A]

No, no. You get a senor monkey who comes in. He's like I said, quiet at first.

[B]

There is a song that my grandfather used to sing when I would stay at their house.

[A]

Leave, Luke. Get out. We're not your real parents.

[B]

And at the time I was like, yeah, that's the wake up song. And then in later life I was like, I just. The words came back to me. I was like, huh? It was. Oh, how I hate to get up in the morning. Oh, how I hate to get out of bed. Normal. One day I'm going to murder the bugler. One day they're going to find him dead. And then I'll go and kill the pup, the one that wakes the bugler up and spend the rest of my life in bed.

[C]

That's a good song.

[A]

It's a great song. It's also. If you're a grandpa, you know what I mean? Probably want to like.

[C]

It's a great song.

[B]

I'd just be in bed like, yeah, kill that. Kill that trumpet player and his dog.

[C]

That sounds like a marching song for.

[A]

Well, it sounds like something in the. Yeah, it was that you were in some kind of force where they were like, get out of bed. And then who wakes the bugler up? A puppy.

[C]

And the bugler's like, with the guys.

[A]

Yeah. No, wait. We should still tweak that middle part.

[B]

I love the song.

[A]

Shut the up you glare. You don't get to weigh in.

[F]

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[E]

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[E]

is a paid message from GoFundMe. Meet Juan Naula. When his son was hospitalized for a viral infection, Juan started a GoFundMe to pay for medical expenses.

[D]

It was 5k to pay the bill for my son and I need only 22 hours. It was amazing. People really trust on GoFundMe.

[E]

How did Juan raise $5,000 in less than a day? He posted a short video on GoFundMe telling his story in 30 seconds.

[D]

30 seconds. Be specific. Be quick and tell what are you gonna be using the funds for? I was nervous to do it because it doesn't feel okay to ask money. But you shouldn't be nervous. Sometimes you just have to do it and see the results. We were able to save my son's life thanks to gofundme that we still have my son with us.

[E]

Start your GoFundMe today at gofundme.com that's gofundme.com gofundme.com this message reflects one person's experience.

[C]

How a convict made his escape. News reaches here of the escape of a convict from a gang working a few miles south of here on the Santa Fe last Wednesday day the so. So it's just a. It's a guy. It's slave labor. That's essentially what we're.

[A]

Slave labor. Come on now, buddy. Yeah, you like. You like having a well, don't you?

[D]

Wow.

[A]

All right. And then. And it didn't build. It didn't build itself. All right. Okay.

[C]

Well, I'm just saying you can pay someone well.

[D]

Well, he.

[A]

If he wanted to get paid, he shouldn't have committed such a big crime.

[C]

The convicts were strung out along an embankment show.

[A]

All right. I'm not lo terms. I'll be honest. Strung out.

[C]

Here you are slaves along an embankment shoveling dirt. One of them, when none of the guards were looking, lay down in a hollow made by the spades. The gang near him threw dirt over him until he was completely covered.

[A]

And that's awesome.

[C]

Great. When the camp was reached and the roll call, the escape was discovered. He has not been captured.

[A]

But wait, he definitely got buried in dirt. They did the roll call, and then they were like, he gone. Let's look for him. And then, like, two hours later, he just got up out of the dirt grave.

[B]

I think they just. They put it together after the fact.

[A]

Yeah, that's what I mean.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

They.

[C]

It must have been when they got back to camp that they. Yeah, no, when camp was reached, so.

[A]

Right, right. So he just stayed in the dirt and then.

[B]

And then they went back to where they were digging, and there was a man shaped like cartoon hole out of the dirt.

[C]

The other guys must have gotten in trouble because they. They. Yeah, they for sure.

[A]

But that's awesome.

[C]

But I guess that's worth it. You're like, it. Yeah.

[A]

By the way, if you're pitching that as your idea, people like. And then me. Well, we probably shouldn't do everyone on the first day. That is a great. Like, when they're covering you in dirt, you're like, this is awesome.

[B]

Awesome. Little more on my feet.

[A]

And they leave. You're like, yes,

[B]

I don't want to have to escape a jail. But it is, I think, fairly conceivable that at some point in our lifetimes, Luke, we will be.

[A]

Luke, you'll be good to make tools. And then you will die on the journey. Know you know this.

[C]

I'm gonna say this right now, and I'm gonna put it on the record. No prison can hold me.

[B]

See that? I like this attitude.

[A]

I'm gonna be on the record right now. It very effectively will hold me, and I'll betray the trust of my friends in order to get better food and bed.

[B]

Luke's bearing.

[C]

Dave and dirt looks big. Dave and dirt.

[B]

Excuse me.

[A]

Excuse me. Dave laid down and Luke dirted him. Shut up. No, I'm sorry.

[B]

I was gonna go next.

[A]

I love you guys, but I really want to get a better bed and have some really good food. I jerked the warden off. Did you guys know I jerking the warden off?

[C]

Oh, suspected.

[A]

Yeah, I've been jacking the warden off. Did I get a waffle a week?

[B]

Oh, how is it?

[A]

Second, this penis is weird.

[C]

I meant the waffle.

[A]

Oh, it's pretty good. But I mean, again, I just.

[B]

Just.

[A]

This guy gets. I'm getting this guy Jacked off a lot. And he makes me put my left hand over the top of my right because he says it feels like he's hitting a lady's bone.

[C]

Don't you think that we should, like, the Scandinavians have little pancakes in packages that you just eat all the time instead of just for breakfast. Like, you carry them around and you have like little snacks.

[A]

Well, you remember trying to eat breakfast when we were touring Europe. You were just like, crazy. It was like, they'd be like, we couldn't give you an egg on top of a raspberry tart.

[C]

Yeah. They didn't even know when you were

[A]

like, can I just get six raspberry tarts without the tarts, Just the egg part. And they'd be like, don't think. Hold on, let me talk to. I don't think we're allowed to do those.

[B]

You can jack off the chef and see if he'll do it.

[A]

All right.

[C]

But we, like.

[A]

I think that pastry weight is a real thing.

[C]

If I recall correctly. We, like had farmers or whatever lobby to change what breakfast is so that people ate what we now eat. So that's normal to us. But it was actually because of a business lobby.

[A]

Doesn't surprise me one bit. But it's also, when you're in those countries eating like that, you are walking.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So it's like you. You lose. You lose it.

[B]

We've also done that here occasionally. Like every once in a while, McDonald's will be like on a flapjack McMuffin.

[A]

And people are like, no, that is the same thing. It's definitely the same thing.

[C]

Well, when in. In Scandinavia that you were like, can I have breakfast? You're like, like a cod sandwich.

[A]

Yeah. No, in Iceland, where they every. Everything they were trying to push was either herring or puffin. Everywhere you went, they would just be like, do you want a puffin roll? You're like, I'm not trying to eat those little things. That's cool with you.

[C]

Advertisement Writing is becoming a regular branch of literature in the United States.

[A]

Oh, there we go. Let's explode this moment.

[C]

This is absolutely not literature. Okay. Some of the first class writers command salaries of 10,000 a year. And now young men are regularly training for the work and going to college in preparation.

[A]

Well, there. I mean, there you go. That's where it all kind of falls apart and starts like there. That's a good trace moment. That's one where you just go, oh, yeah, that's. That's it.

[C]

You know, let's see how.

[A]

Let's see how 10,000 in today?

[C]

Yeah, it's just.

[A]

It can't be that much.

[C]

Oh, no, it's 353,000.

[A]

That's good. But again, that's. That's very good. But again, it ain't gonna get you through the next 20 years.

[C]

That's a lot, actually.

[A]

It is. Yeah.

[C]

I would do that in a second.353,000

[B]

a year for that job.

[C]

Yeah, but. Yeah, but I guess it makes sense that before this, there was no need for a advertisement writer. You just put like, I have bricks. And people like, hey, he has bricks.

[B]

It's the brick guy.

[A]

Hey, my name is Al, and I actually work for an agency that can pump, punch up your brick stuff.

[C]

Like, don't punch the bricks, because people just need bricks and I have bricks, so.

[A]

Well, what about this? Now you have the best bricks this side of the Mississippi. And a jingle.

[C]

What's the jingle?

[A]

Hey, guys, you remember Rick. He's the guy with that great brick. What was your name again?

[C]

Sorry, I just feel like I've been hit by lightning bolt.

[A]

Yeah, of course you do.

[B]

Does it matter that his bricks are absolute?

[A]

Dog doesn't at all. It actually helps us. You need it more than anyone. Yeah, so we'll do that. And then we're gonna have this woman here. She's going to wear some scantily. She's going to be scantily clad, and she's going to stand behind me while we sing it. Hey there. This guy's Rick. Come on. He's got the best brick. And then she's got her kind of boobs in her hand a little bit.

[B]

Just the tip.

[A]

Sheila. I swear to God. I swear to God.

[C]

The tip of the brick.

[A]

I swear to God.

[C]

Okay, have sex with her.

[B]

I have. Obviously.

[F]

You.

[A]

Sheila.

[C]

May I have sex with her?

[A]

No. But that's the whole thing. We think if you get a brick from you, you're going to be able to do it. Guys, this is Rick. He's got the world's best brick. Lee, stay away from Sheila. Nothing with your dick.

[C]

I can maybe make a brick with a. No, like a type of vagina in it.

[A]

We're gonna run the ad part.

[C]

I have a lab.

[B]

A chocolate lab, or a yellow lab.

[A]

Sheila. I swear to God.

[B]

I love dogs.

[C]

Sheila.

[A]

Oh, do you? Jesus Christ.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

I have both.

[B]

These two brick places. Huh?

[C]

I do.

[B]

This guy is really struggling. You can't get anyone to buy these ads.

[C]

He just seems mean to you. Well, would you like to come over to the Brick Empire? There's A place for a princess.

[A]

Hey, guys,

[B]

this is me now.

[A]

No. You don't like that you're getting along. This isn't a jingle, but come on. Okay, okay. Get in the truck. I'll take your other thumb.

[C]

October 21st is to be Columbus Day, and the President has made the day a legal holiday by proclamation invited.

[A]

I think you're reading from the New York Times.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

Today.

[C]

And invited the people of the United States to celebrate the 400th anniversary of the landing of Columbus. Let us prepare to rejoice that Columbus was lucky enough to discover us.

[A]

Discover us. I mean, Jesus Christ, it was already a bit.

[B]

Who was president in 1892? That's like a Garfieldy.

[C]

I think it was

[B]

McKinley whisker. What's a Whisker? Version Corridor Whisker.

[C]

It's Grover Cleveland. It was a Grover.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Why?

[B]

I'm just curious which one made Columbus Day holiday. It feels like a Calvin Coolidge thing.

[C]

Oh, no, that was the. That was the 1892 presidential election. Okay, so Benjamin Harrison. Oh, no. He defeated Benjamin Harrison.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Suckers.

[C]

Did not make it.

[B]

Did he? Died.

[C]

He was a tub guy. He was the guy who died in his. They always said died in his tub, Right?

[B]

No, that was Taft.

[A]

No, Taft didn't die in his tub. Should have died.

[C]

We all died.

[B]

He crushed Benjamin here.

[A]

Oh, this is a nice fit.

[B]

There's something under me.

[A]

I'm the current team president and the current city president.

[B]

That's right. I'm currently sitting on the president.

[C]

You've got it.

[B]

You got it exactly right.

[C]

No. Yeah. Okay. Harrison won. Harrison was president in 88, and then Cleveland defeated him. Didn't Harrison die in a tub?

[A]

I mean, so much beautiful history.

[B]

William Henry Harrison died in office. Maybe he died in tub. He was the one who took the bath and then insisted on walking the inauguration route and got pneumonia even because it was cold out and then died off, like, two weeks after the inauguration.

[A]

That really is our only hope with Trump that it's going to be something like that. It's going to be posturing masculinity. That'll just be like, shoot me in the neck and I'll show you.

[B]

I want to take a punch. During the fights. I actually was thinking, I'll flex my abs.

[A]

He will, like, come out for one fake body slam or something during it.

[B]

Snaps his neck and.

[A]

Or they're gonna like, put everything. Like, RFK is gonna put everything he can into reanimating Hulk Hogan.

[B]

I would love to see RFK in the. The July 4th fight. White's ultimate warrior dress because he's got the leathery, jerky body for it.

[A]

Yeah, but really, I mean, him yelling at the camera. I just want to tell you. And that's what I want you to listen to me. Hulkamaniacs. I'm inviting Justin Trudeau into the ring. I'll see you there. Rfk. We're having some mic issues. It's fine. No, it's good.

[C]

It's really good.

[A]

I am lathered up in beef tallow and Mexican coke, and I am ready to fight you for Canada. He's going to fight Trudeau in a poop pond?

[C]

No, Harrison did not die in a tub. Who am I thinking of? He died in 1901 from the flu. And his last words were. Are the doctors here?

[A]

Oh, man. There's some way to answer.

[B]

There's some cool last words, and then

[A]

there's, there's like, really, like, sad, upsetting last words.

[B]

I've a dad.

[A]

They said they'll be here in five minutes if you can. He's dead.

[B]

Yep. They're right.

[C]

Benjamin Benji, a scientist states that in the course of about 6 million years from now, the force at work on Earth will have completely leveled its surface, so that there will no longer be hills or valleys, continents or distinctive oceans. All the land will have been washed down into the sea, which will then cover all with a watery mantle and render impossible any life except that which can exist without dry land.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Starring Kevin Costner and Dennis Hopper.

[A]

Kind of accurate, but roughly.

[C]

Jamie, can you, can we get to this guy on? Can you look that up and see why that would be? It sounds really spot on. I, I just, because I, I, I'm, I, I sit around, I think about, like, what's going on with the land, you know, and I wonder why that would happen. And I, I wonder what would happen to land. It's like mountains get smaller all the time. And so I'm just thinking, like, did

[A]

you see that he, he went on a bit of a anti Trump ranch.

[C]

Oh, did he? Yeah. Oh, okay.

[A]

But they, they kind of have to now, like, yes, they do. Theo had on like, some, you know, Palestinian doctor or something like that. And then Rogan's gone on an anti Ra. Like, they are kind of painted into this corner now where they have to start to do a soft retreat.

[C]

Not Dave Smith.

[A]

No. Well, I mean, people who were popular.

[C]

Yeah. So this is exactly the kind of like one scientist says something and they write it up. But this is exactly what like all the anti climate change guys and anti cover Guys, and they, they, it's there. They find one scientist and they go, see, that's what's gonna.

[A]

But this guy obviously is just talking out of his butthole, but is actually closer than so many of today.

[C]

I mean, he is saying like, yeah, yeah, there's erosion of everything, but it leaves out the part of like plate tectonics and all this stuff that pushes everything up and like volcanic eruptions and. Yeah, right.

[B]

There was a. There used to be a show called the Future is Wild on one of like the Discovery Channels or the Learning Channel or before they just showed morbidly obese people living with.

[A]

Just learning. And I learned how much fried chicken a 700 pound set of twins eat.

[C]

That's true.

[B]

You can learn a lot.

[C]

How much is. How much is it?

[A]

It's an ungodly amount. And it's always the one person who can actually physically get it has to cave. So that's the problem. The one person will be like, why don't you just eat some more tomatoes and some lettuce. I'm sick of that stuff. Can you just get me a 800 pie?

[B]

Well, so science has come a long way since then, but the Future is Wild would just have these scientists on who would talk about hypothetically what they thought animals might evolve into in the future. And I remember the first time I saw it, I was like cataclysmically high in my apartment in Brooklyn and just this man in a bow tie with like a little bowl cut and a beard just goes. It's 100 million years in the future and the last mammal is a blind cave rat being farmed by spiders for food.

[A]

My wife filed for divorce. You know, it'd be fun would be to do if. If only we had the technology to do this show where we took today's papers back to 1907. Yeah, that'd be so fun to just be like, oh, okay. So excuse me there, Jen, but what is the ufc? What are those? What's that acronym stand for?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, sounds pretty good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I've got a gentleman Irishman who I'd like to recommend for it.

[C]

Nothing more plainly illustrates that the girl of the period is partial to things antique than her persistent fondness. Fondness for the long trained skirt. It is found on investigation that this abominable costume was invented first in England by Annie, Queen of Richard II, nearly 500 years ago. This was probably the first street cleaning apparatus to be invented. Took a little dig right there. No, doesn't like the long.

[A]

Doesn't like the long now, but If.

[B]

Let's see those ankles, ladies.

[A]

That. Is that what it is? It's like the. The dress is so long it hits the ground. Or is it that it's so funny that men have this, like, predeter. Like the more skin of a woman you see, the more aroused you are. Which if you were running a society based to skew in the male direction, which we always have been, the shorter the dress, the better and yet forever they were like, cover those legs, sinners. But it's like, you would think that it would just be the other way that they would be like, this is called the giant skirt and I'm allowed to see a lip through it.

[B]

Well, they do. That's the they do now cycle of it.

[A]

But back then you would just. Like, they like. I, I think it was because it was. It was probably religiously based that they were like, if I feel my penis move, that's your problem and you need to solve it.

[C]

But now that's literally what's happening with trans people.

[A]

Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, right.

[B]

Yes. The States with the harshest bands also, like, that's the number one porn.

[C]

Yeah, it's all. It's all. They're all, well, trans women.

[A]

It is. You know, it's funny because Trump called it a 8020 issue or like a 937 issue the other day. That's why he always brings up trans women sports. And then I was like, man, I wish the Democrats had something like that, like a genocide. That was like 94, 6.

[B]

Well, maybe tell. We gotta. We gotta make T pack. As long if there was a massive lobbying effort, which where every senator took money from big transsexuals, then we'd be good.

[C]

I'm not sure what just happened neither.

[A]

What were you gonna say?

[C]

No, I didn't have anything to say.

[B]

I don't think saying there's no money to be made from doing anything near to the right thing.

[D]

Wow.

[C]

This was probably the first street cleaning apparatus to be invented. This same queen should also be blamed for large hats, those of abnormal size with great flaring brims.

[A]

Intimate relatives Spitting and making a lot of sense.

[C]

Intimate relatives of our theater shorter dresses. These hats of our theater bonnets now in vogue. Surely this esteemable woman had much to be responsible for. He's mad at a lady 500, 500 year old.

[A]

He has every right to be.

[B]

I feel like if you saw long,

[A]

long dresses, big hats. Dig her up and let's beat her. Go ahead, sir.

[B]

I feel like if you saw a picture of this author's Wife. She would be wearing a long dress and a big hat. This feels like a personal gripe that he's taking to the newspaper.

[C]

It is a personal gripe. There's someone he doesn't like that is wearing a big hat.

[A]

Well, it sounds like he went to the theater and someone had a big stupid bonnet. And he was like I paid $40 for this. I can't. I can nary see the stage.

[B]

Then he gets up to complain to the manager and trips on her dress. You.

[A]

You dirty slut. Sir, no. It was a queen from 500 years ago who put a on all of you.

[B]

All right, buddy.

[C]

No, we have a guest coming in 10 minutes. Oh this. This is. There's a. There's a. Just a section called unfortunate events. And the first one is Two bragadocious lose their lives in a Mexican volcano.

[A]

Honestly, these more than ever feel like the fridge magnet words just being put together comically.

[C]

You could absolutely just make this up.

[A]

Read that again.

[C]

Two bragadishos lose their lives in a Mexican volcano.

[A]

Well, whatever it is, they. That'll teach their. Their bold egos.

[C]

It means now you're Magnum's arrogant people. I think.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Braggadocious.

[C]

Yeah, Braggadocious.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. But that's good. That's how you get. They get their comeuppance.

[B]

His last words were. Hey, watch this.

[A]

His last word was.

[C]

Is the doctor near 50 fatal cases of sunstroke and a hundred the prost. Prostrate. Prostrations occur in Chicago. That's it.

[A]

So.

[C]

So it was hot. But prostrations.

[B]

I think that's a fainting. Like if you're lying prostrate, you're.

[C]

Wouldn't that also be sunstroke though?

[A]

I think it has to do with your anus.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

No, they.

[B]

They.

[A]

No. Cuz they're doing that.

[B]

You fall over and you wake up.

[A]

But first. Well, I know. Have you ever sunned your B hole, Dave? I'll start over here.

[C]

I'm not a Luke.

[A]

I'll go to you next. Jamie, can you bring up some of those the plus. The pluses for that. I've done it.

[C]

Oh, here's. There has been so little rain in Cape Breton that the forest fires have started and have been raging for several days. They may reach the towns of Sydney and North Sydney. So nothing has changed.

[B]

There's a rookie numbers. You got to get those numbers up.

[A]

And how about. How about living on the watch duty Apple app And when you actually see like it truly.

[C]

Yeah, the.

[A]

I save up my. Let's applaud the troops for their service, at shows for fire. Fire people, people who work and like that. Those are the people I'm like, sir, you deserve everything. I mean, when you look at the watch duty app and halfway countries on fire, half the country's on fire. And they are. It's shocking.

[C]

Is it it this out the country on fire.

[A]

Luke's getting a call again.

[B]

Yeah, no, it was on the computer that time.

[A]

Oh, just. That's a computer watch call. That's not a phone. Computer watch.

[B]

I already silenced.

[A]

He silenced the phone to watch. Go ahead.

[C]

The family of Enoch, west of Berkshire, Kentucky, 25 miles from Cincinnati, was poisoned from eating ice cream. Miss any spill?

[A]

I bet he got it at a right age. This I never trust. I never trust. The ice cream department already. Go ahead.

[C]

They're all closing.

[A]

A good reason, too, because of the

[B]

lawsuits around the ice cream dance.

[A]

Yeah, come on. I'm here to buy a picture frame and now I'm having a cone. Get.

[C]

Miss Eddie Spelman, who was visiting the family, died in awful agony. The other members of the family are suffering and are in a dangerous condition.

[A]

The ice cream took him.

[C]

He's gone now.

[A]

He's gone.

[B]

How do they ice the cream?

[C]

And how do you ice the cream?

[A]

Yeah, how do you ice it? Question boy?

[B]

I go to the rite Aid.

[A]

It's pretty good. It's pretty good.

[B]

If you're asking me how a freezer works.

[A]

Well, this would probably be icebox time, so. Okay, I guess you would do it with. I guess it would be a. Probably be a combination of. Of icebox ice and cream.

[B]

This is a modern day.

[A]

Certainly was a pain in the ass,

[B]

modern day newspaper thing, but cooling. The cooling issue brought it up. Do you know how many cases of legionnaires disease are going on in New York City currently? It's a lot. And they. I was listening to the radio the other day and they just kept talking about it, but they were not saying where it was. They're like, just be careful. Because the number of buildings do seem to have Legionella in the cooling tower.

[A]

Legionella.

[B]

That's the name of the actual bacteria. And everyone who's calling in was like, can you tell us what buildings? And they're like, they won't say which, but they're just saying, if you're in

[A]

Harlem, you know, it's great. Be careful wearing. Wearing the mask in public as much as we do is just starting to become a panacea. It's not even just Covid anymore. It's just smoke, mold, Covid, Legionnaires disease. Legionnaires.

[C]

I faith in RFK Jr. Straighten this all out.

[A]

Yeah, I agree.

[C]

Babies afraid. This is our last one.

[A]

It's a good ending.

[C]

Babies afraid of black clothes.

[B]

Cowards.

[C]

Thank you. That's the whole story. Cowards. At sight of a strange person, object or animal, a baby will cry.

[A]

Yeah, proven.

[C]

Anything black will produce more disturbance in the mind of a baby than anything white.

[A]

By the way, this is Pete Hegsess. Wet drink name.

[B]

This also sounds like a very convenient explanation by a local priest. No, it's the outfit.

[C]

It's just absolute nonsense.

[A]

Yes. Crazy. I mean, again, this. This is the sort of thing you read and you go, well, this man's done some research. I can't actually have any anecdotal evidence.

[C]

Jamie, do we. Is there research on babies and black?

[A]

Actually, it seems that babies. Babies are actually okay with black. There's an article in 2003 that says they studied it and it's a 5050

[C]

case that's crazy about Viet Cong babies.

[A]

I kind of. I'm actually on. I'm looking for some new jobs, so let me just close a few windows out.

[C]

A child refusing to go to a relative in dark clothes would not hesitate if the suit were changed to a light color with a white. Red or blue. Can't remember.

[A]

I'm Dr. Poopy Stupid. And here are some things I've come up with.

[C]

I'm Dr. Full of.

[A]

Hi, I'm Dr. Head, and babies don't like black. And women need to be put in holes if they wear a long dress. All right, everybody, that was the Past Times. It's a podcast. Luke, anything? What do you got?

[D]

Thoughts?

[A]

Concerns?

[B]

You know, I'm gonna go find a baby. I'm dressed pretty dark today, and I'm gonna.

[A]

You couldn't get a baby. Don't go near babies.

[B]

I'm gonna see if I startle it. You will plan for the day.

[C]

You will definitely scare a baby.

[A]

You will definitely.

[B]

I get on very well.

[A]

Can I make a suggestion?

[B]

Sure, yeah.

[A]

Less shirts for the babies. For you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Topless more.

[B]

I feel like I'm gonna get a cease and desist from Bert Kreischer.

[A]

You welcome that lawsuit.

[B]

That's a champagne.

[A]

Or maybe you do the bottoms off world tour. You just Porky Pig it around town. That's how you perform. Every time you come out, you rip your pants off and you're just bottomless. It's time. Oh. All right, everybody. There you go. We want to thank our sponsors. Reagan shirt cannons and the crack house. Okay.

[B]

And tearaway pants.

[A]

Stop it. And the sponsor and the recording. And the recording. Crack house and the recording. And the recording.

[C]

Los Angeles.

[A]

Hurry up and end the recording.

[C]

Downtown Crack house.

[A]

So much fell out of him.

[F]

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