185 - The Past Times with Aaron Sutherland

Summary

The Dollop – Episode 185: The Past Times with Aaron Sutherland

Date: July 31, 2026
Hosts: Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds
Guest: Aaron (Stone) Sutherland
Theme: Comedians dive into a historical Los Angeles newspaper (March 3, 1937), riffing on bizarre headlines, cultural oddities, witch trials, and the foibles of human nature.

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Episode Overview

In this lively and sprawling episode, Dave, Gareth, and guest comedian Aaron Sutherland riff through the March 3, 1937 edition of the LA Daily News. The trio applies their signature irreverence and wit to a batch of eccentric headlines and stories from Depression-era LA, touching on everything from hex murders blamed on stomach aches, weird laws about book-selling, Supreme Court drama, divorce by horse-man, and air-conditioned sewers. As always, their banter weaves personal stories and sharp commentary on social change, nostalgia, and the absurdities of both past and present.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Podcast and Guest Introduction (01:00–04:45)

• Gareth kicks off with tour and special announcements, then introduces Aaron Sutherland, commending his special “Turtle Boy” and upcoming appearances.
• Banter about previous podcast segments (“Judge Dave”) and mutual social media blocking.
• Quote (Aaron, 01:37): "I'll see you guys later."
  • Early comedic riffing about being "blocked" and mutual roast session sets the tone.

2. Random Newspaper Year Reveal & Setup (04:46–06:15)

• They guess the year; Aaron wins with 1937.
• Gareth and Dave tease about the ongoing competition among friends to appear on the show.

3. Headline: ‘War Blame Placed on Poor Cooks’ (06:20–11:59)

• Ford Madox Ford blames international conflict on unseasoned or badly cooked food; suggests more garlic.
• The gang mocks bland British cuisine and riffs on the evolution of taste.
  • Quote (Dave, 10:18): "The solution, he said, is a wider use of seasonings, especially garlic."
• They note how food and flavor reflect deeper social and national differences, with British cuisine as the butt of the joke.

4. Headline: ‘Justice Aghast – Nine Old Men Sold Under Noses’ (12:06–15:58)

• Discussion about a man selling a controversial book criticizing the Supreme Court ("Nine Old Men") on its steps, causing a stir.
• Comparison to modern "prove me wrong" stunts.
  • Quote (Gareth, 17:15): "This is a Steven Crowder. Charlie Kirk. Prove me wrong. Slavery was a good call. Prove me wrong."

5. Books, Censorship & Free Speech (17:31–19:15)

• The incident prompts reflections on free speech, modern equivalents, and legal gray areas of protest.
• Dave jokes the “best outcome” would be taking the book-selling case to the Supreme Court.

6. Headline: ‘Voice Replayed—Bostonians Talk to Themselves’ (20:00–22:01)

• Early 20th-century novelty: recording and replaying one’s own voice on the telephone.
• Group delivers a mock Boston accent/bit, turning a technical curiosity into a multi-character improv.
  • Quote (Aaron, 21:20): "It's like I'm picturing Smeagol with a Boston accent, and it's just horrifying."

7. Hex Murder: Witchery, Stomach Aches, and Coroner’s Juries (26:13–37:36)

• True-crime segment: A woman in Watts suspected of witchcraft is murdered; the accused blames her for “hexing” him with stomach pain.
• Extended riff: They lampoon the weirdness of “witch” accusations, nudity in crime scenes, coroner professionalism, and old-school L.A. paranoia.
• Quote (Aaron, 31:02): "Reminds me of that guy who tried to sue the Super Bowl for getting him too horny when it was Jennifer Lopez a few years ago."
• Dave theorizes the police are likely suspects ("Feels a little copy"), nodding to historical police corruption.

8. Headline: Divorce from Horseman (37:57–46:06)

• Woman divorces a prominent horse owner, with jokes about marrying horses and riffing on internet infamy (Mr. Hands).
• Introspective moment about how the internet went astray, referencing early viral shock videos.

9. Social Commentary: Internet Culture, Nostalgia & Influencer Life (39:41–44:20)

• The hosts lament fleeting internet trends, the futility of influencer culture, and the cyclical nature of online stardom.
• Jokes about viral personalities like “The Rizzler” and “AJ and Big Justice” rating things at Costco; critique of content with no substance.
  • Quote (Dave, 43:01): “Nobody does anything anymore. I’m sorry.”

10. News Briefs: Bizarre Crime and Accidents (46:11–54:48)

• Man survives being stabbed in the skull with a pen knife; they riff on how weird it is to present someone’s skull as “Exhibit A” while he recovers.
• Spirals into stories of wild youth, running from the cops, breathalyzer tests, and Midwest comedy-road misadventures.
  • Quote (Dave, 54:00): “Pen knife took out a piece of skull. Guy is okay.”

11. Depression-Era Social Clubs for Job Seekers (57:55–61:13)

• The group reflects on New Deal style efforts to help the unemployed: free showers, shaves, razors, towel counts used as civic data.
• They contrast this community support with today’s economic and social precarity, criticizing the retreat from social safety nets.
  • Quote (Dave, 61:01): “A hundred years ago we were better. We were in a better place.”

12. LA’s 50-Mile “Air-Conditioned” Sewer (62:04–65:29)

• A surreal story about LA planning to air-condition its outfall sewer system, involving dangerous acid inspections by city employees in boats.
• Imaginative riffing on how this could be the inspiration for movies like “Shawshank Redemption” and general disbelief at Depression-era ingenuity.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Gareth (07:11, riffing on Taco Bell): “I often say I get diarrhea from Taco Bell, but it stands for Trump Always Chickens Out. Whoa.”
• Dave (08:31, on awkward Thanksgiving honesty): “That might be worse than what we did to the Native Americans, to be honest.”
• Aaron (21:20, on hearing your own voice): "It's like I'm picturing Smeagol with a Boston accent, and it's just horrifying."
• Dave (61:01, on social support): “A hundred years ago we were better. We were in a better place.”
• Dave (65:29, on privatized public works): “We gave the contract to Elon Musk’s air conditioned sewer company. Hi. Yes. The company’s called Poopex.”

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 04:45 - Reveal: LA Daily News, March 3, 1937
• 06:20 - War blame headline and food/garlic debate
• 12:06 - "Nine Old Men" book sales on Supreme Court steps
• 20:00 - Bostonians talk to themselves with "novelty" phones
• 26:13 - The Hex Murder and the “witch” trial
• 37:57 - “Divorce from Horseman” segment
• 44:20 - Reflection on the internet’s cultural collapse
• 46:11 - Skull-stabbing crime and youth mayhem stories
• 57:55 - Depression-era men’s Service Club (job seekers)
• 62:04 - Air-conditioned sewer
• 65:29 - Outtro, guest plugs (Turtle Boy and Windy City Comedy Fest)

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Tone & Language

• Sarcastic, dry, self-deprecating: The hosts indulge in plenty of self-roast and bits about being “blocked,” “not having a good show,” or being “replaced” as co-host.
• Irreverent but insightful: They oscillate between absurdist improv (green room burping, coroner tryout skits) and pointed social commentary on justice, public services, and internet malaise.
• Contemporary references: Frequent jokes referencing modern internet culture, politics, and recent events (Taco Bell, cancel culture, “Judge Dave,” viral personalities).

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Summary

This episode is a quintessential "Dollop" blending obscure history, off-the-wall riffing, and barbed satire. While the historical stories from the LA Daily News offer a springboard, much of the episode’s humor comes from the trio’s imaginative what-if scenarios, free-association, and tangents about both then and now. Aaron Sutherland proves a seamless, energetic guest, contributing memorable bits and stories. The discussion manages to link stories about garlic as world peacekeeper, witches shot over stomach pain, air-conditioned sewers, and influencer burnout into a hilarious, if chaotic, tour of both American past and present.

New listeners will get a taste for both the show’s structure—random historical headlines as improv prompts—and its restless, iconoclastic spirit.

Transcript

[A]

Giveitupfilm.com is where you can go to see my movie, Give it up. That will be on tour in August across the country. GiveItUpFilm.com we're coming to select theaters for one screening. The director and I will be doing a Q and a after. So July 28, you can go to North Hollywood, California at Regal Cinema. August 10, you can go to San Diego and see the movie. August 13th is Denver. August 20th is Chicago. August 23rd is New York City. August 24th is is Philly. August 25th is Raleigh. August 26th, Atlanta. August 27th Nashville. We might add a couple more, but this might be your only chance to see it on the big screen. So go to giveitupfilm.com the director and I will be doing a Q A after. It's a whole event. There'll be posters, there'll be. Everybody's gonna win a bunch of money. It's gonna be awesome. So if you want to see my movie, give it up, which really is great. Go to give. Giveitupfilm.com I will be at all of these screenings. Welcome to the Past Times. It's a podcast. Someone's finally doing it. You know what we do here each week? We go through a newspaper from a random date in history picked out by none other than Dave Anthony. I, Gareth Reynolds, have never seen it. And neither has this week's guest recently featured on the premiere episode of Judge Dave, Aaron Stone Sutherland. Hello, Aaron. Thank you for joining us.

[B]

Yeah, thanks for having me. Thanks for loving me, Dave.

[C]

Well, let's not get. Whoa, Jesus Christ. You're blocked.

[B]

Riding that high for a few weeks now.

[C]

You just totally. Now you're back to the bottom of the.

[B]

I'll see you guys later.

[A]

So. No, you gotta stay. So wait, Aaron, what happened is you got blocked by. We've started a thing on Patreon where Jave. I don't know. Judge Dave. If we want to combine it, it's. Jave decides if he'll unblock people after they plead their cases. I was your attorney and Dave blocked you over some baseball bs. He ended up not only unblocking you, but following you on Instagram. Then you just thanked him for loving you and I think blew the whole

[B]

background on my phone. Now I took a screenshot in the background apps.

[C]

Your posts are shit.

[A]

But just so we can set expectation, not every. Not everybody who's on Judge Dave will become. Be coming on the Past Times.

[C]

No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, no, that's.

[A]

You're a comedian and you have a special called Turtle Boy. And you're also going to be performing, and the people can go watch Turtle Boy on YouTube. And I was just gonna say it's probably gonna notice a bump.

[C]

Recently passed away.

[A]

Yeah, since McConnell went back into the.

[B]

The shell hell, I don't think they find him. Searching Turtle Boy like turtle reaper, Turtle corpse.

[A]

You're not wrong if they're trying to find out if he ever had spawns. But. And then you'll be at the Windy City Festival. Comedy festival in Chicago. What date is that?

[B]

August 8th to the 11th, something like that.

[A]

Okay, first weekend. Where do people find information about that if they want to see you perform?

[B]

Window City. Windycity Comedy Fest dot Com. Boy. No. No one can talk today, Javid.

[C]

It's all. It's all smile from Gord.

[A]

Oh, God. Horribly so bad. Oh, dear God.

[C]

You're the one who burped in the green room for nine minutes.

[A]

Hey, we're not talking about what happened in the green room because that's how we get the people to want to listen, because everybody's talking about how they want to be a part of the green room. Hello?

[B]

Where are they?

[C]

Yeah, nobody's.

[A]

Yeah, in Austin. Oh, it's the Austin. It's the mothership green room you got to get past. It's like entering a bank vault. All right, you know what? I'm. I'm. I'm in a bad mood, quite frankly. But. But let's start. Aaron, have you listened to the show? Aaron?

[B]

Sure. Yeah, sure.

[A]

Yeah. That's not great.

[B]

I'm. You know, I'm a fan. I've been.

[A]

We're going to go through a newspaper, by the way. I'm not going to be able to. We have to have Joe Kilgallen on now, because if he finds out that Aaron got booked on this before just by. By arguing with Dave, he's going to

[B]

throw another one of my softball bats over a fence.

[A]

Of course we're going to go through a newspaper. Random date in history. You get to have the first guess at what year this paper is going to be from. There'll be no context or clues. Okay. Boy, David's loving you lately. So.

[B]

1789 reconstruction.

[A]

Oh, interesting. Interesting. I'm gonna go way higher. Just based on track record. Ever since Presti's done the research, it's been pretty down the middle. 1890s to 1930s. I'm gonna say 1899.

[C]

Nope, you're wrong. Aaron wins. It's 1937.

[B]

Nailed it.

[A]

I'm far nailed it.

[C]

Nailed it.

[A]

I'm far closer

[C]

okay. It is. Los Angeles, California. Wednesday, March 3, 1937.

[A]

That went charitably.

[C]

The Daily News, everybody's favorite. That's what everybody reads out here.

[B]

How many times did that come out? The tri.

[A]

Daily.

[B]

Okay, sorry, we're killing it.

[A]

Stop lumping us in with you, Aaron. Your per. My performance and your performance are not. They're not. They're not combined. Okay? I'm having a good show. I'm having a very good episode of the show. Okay. And I want to. And anybody who's saying I'm having an off episode. No, I'm not. I'm having a very good episode.

[C]

Well, for everybody listening out there, this is the debut of my new co host, Aaron.

[B]

Hi, guys.

[A]

You have been loving him.

[B]

I'm not going higher register. We're having a great show. Declaratively.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Our. Our guest. My guest is Gareth Reynolds, but the new co host.

[A]

I'm a big fan of this show. I didn't like the change in the host, but everything else, I'm a big fan of.

[C]

Yeah. War blame placed on poor cooks.

[A]

What?

[B]

War. War blame.

[C]

I. I think that more war should start over dinner.

[A]

I'll tell you that. Now that we know Taco Bell's in charge of the watery diarrhea in the Midwest.

[C]

Is that who's doing it?

[A]

Yeah, they're now starting to I. The. The funniest shit to read is Taco Bell linked to diarrhea. It's like.

[C]

Everyone's like, yeah, no, that's.

[A]

Yeah, that's kind of the business model.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That's make runs.

[B]

You coming back?

[A]

Yeah, I mean, it is. It's just. It's. It's about.

[C]

Because a couple hours later, your ass is ringing.

[A]

Your ass is taco and no.

[C]

Garrett.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Or no, I did a very old bad joke.

[A]

No, I. I often say I get diarrhea from Taco Bell, but it stands for Trump always chickens out. Whoa.

[B]

Where'd you. Did you think of that?

[C]

Did you just come up with that right here?

[A]

Golly.

[C]

What are you doing with your hand?

[A]

I'm having a very good show and I'd be very interested in hosting this show.

[B]

I'd love to come to being host.

[A]

I'd love to.

[B]

Your new host. I'd love to come.

[C]

I think you're ready.

[A]

I think I am.

[B]

That headline reminded me of a Thanksgiving I went to at my friend's house, and his dad said we were going around the table saying what we were thankful for. And his dad said, I am thankful for the south beach diet because one Day I might get the woman I married back. And I looked at my friend in shock, and he was already ducking under the table. And a food fight broke out between the two of them, and me and him were just hiding under the Thanksgiving dinner table.

[A]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

The mother was there. The wife was there.

[B]

Yes. She was like, let's go around and say what we're thankful for.

[A]

And they're still together. They were together at the time, obviously.

[B]

Ostensibly. Yeah. Legally. Yeah.

[A]

That is.

[C]

That is so.

[A]

That is so.

[B]

What?

[A]

What? That might be worse than what we did to the Native Americans, to be honest. That is an absolute.

[C]

So. So what is not wanted at Thanksgiving is just honesty. Is that what I'm hearing?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. I think it is built on lies.

[B]

Oh, she was thankful for the gift of lying. I don't know. Yeah, it was. That was a fun one.

[A]

Brutal. That's why you should never go. You should not go around the table and do that. That seems so stupid for every reason,

[C]

but let alone supposed to say something nice.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. But you cannot.

[B]

They were a NASCAR family. Let's just.

[C]

Okay, there you go. They're a NASCAR family.

[A]

Say no more.

[C]

Yeah, say no more. International situations and probably wars are caused by too many cooks preparing too much food badly. According to Ford. Maddox. Ford.

[A]

What? Who's naming the public. What. Who's citing that according.

[B]

Restaurants are just like entire regions are cooking poorly. I'm not.

[A]

But how. A little. I am. Same like, we fought wars over salt, but to fight a war over terrible domestic. Too much salt. Yes.

[C]

I feel like Ford Medics. Too salty.

[A]

We're going to Spain. I hate them.

[B]

The meats are too salty. It's bad for my heart.

[A]

Yeah, that does seem.

[C]

He was an English novelist, poet, critic, and an editor, so he told the gourmet society that people cannot be amiable as individuals or as nations if they are not properly fed. The solution, he said, is a wider use of seasonings, especially garlic.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

His Olive Garden once, and he's like, olive wars can be solved by garlic. Wow.

[A]

Of all the spices to peg as your winner.

[C]

But this is a guy coming from England, where it's just bland as food. And so you're not in New York, but you.

[A]

You would think that he would be talking about, like, curry powder or something. Yeah, like the winner, not garlic. It does show you, though, that they're. They have really. I mean, I'm sorry. Bad palates. The food's gotten better. But it. It really was in a dark spot. I can't imagine what it was like in the 30s.

[C]

Oh, well, I doubt there was. I mean, because if I go to. If I go to London now or whatever, I'm like, get me Indian food now. Because it's incredible there.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

But that's not because of the Brits. That's because.

[C]

And I doubt. I doubt there was that many Indian food restaurants at that time. And on top of that, I doubt that whites were going there.

[A]

Oh, and if they did, they would be like, more vinegar. You've not got any vinegar in your fucking curry. Come on. It tastes like vindaloo off. Absolutely horrible. This is taking the Heinz flavor. That's got a bit of flavor. Drop a bit of mayonnaise in there, some salad cream. Now you've got a dish. Now you're cooking. It was just like, thank you, sir, so much. It's awesome to be here.

[C]

Anyway, that's it. That's the end of that one.

[A]

Well, I. I would say if we're gonna bomb anyone domestically, it should be the gourmet society.

[C]

I agree with that. Justice is aghast. Nine old men sold under noses. Now, that probably confuses Gareth, but. Yeah, nine old men is in a chalice there.

[A]

It's.

[B]

It's.

[A]

It's. It's.

[C]

I don't.

[A]

I don't like you. This probably confuses Gareth.

[C]

State Warren gets it.

[A]

I get it.

[B]

Totally. Coming up next.

[A]

Yeah, And I don't think you should treat a guest like that.

[C]

Well, the co host is more. We're more on a vibe, you know, and you're.

[A]

But I, as your guest, I also know what it means, and I know why it's in italics.

[C]

Why?

[A]

Oh, you think? I'm just gonna start. I'm doing your show for you. I'm not gonna do your show for you, pal.

[B]

Solve the riddle.

[A]

Do your show.

[C]

Yeah, that got awkward, huh?

[A]

For you. No, not for me. I'm just a guest. I'm a guest on a podcast that I would say is sidecar to a good one. Is Aaron doing the dollop out of curiosity?

[B]

Yeah, Yeah, I am the dollop.

[C]

Yeah. He took over the dollop. I'm not even involved anymore.

[A]

Dave was. Dave was so tired the other day when we. We were doing an episode.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

He was mcconnelling spacing out. He was just. He, like, had to go get a Coke. He was. We were done. It was. It was out of body almost. He was, like, rereading stuff Preston said He cut out, like, 20 minutes.

[C]

That does not surprise me. I was like, what am I doing? I would start reading. I'd be like. I think I'm three paragraphs back from where I was like.

[B]

He'd be repeating, Draw a clock for us so we know that your brain is functioning real quick. If you don't mind. Wife is a physician. I can't possibly let this stand.

[A]

That was amazing. Then he went and got a Coke. It should have been a commercial for Coke because he got a Coke. And he came back and he was like, all right. He was.

[B]

That's what he said.

[A]

I can't picture. Pretty bad, too. It was also a bad performance.

[B]

Dave, let's go.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Then it was all up very high.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. But I know what it's referencing.

[B]

So we got eight. This is nine. Nine Men inside. What was it again?

[C]

Justice. Justices aghast.

[A]

This is who you're going with? This is. This is my replacement.

[C]

Nine Old Men sold under noses. He's asking for it to be reiterated because that's what a good co host would do right here.

[A]

You know what I would do if I was back in the show? I'd pretend I understood. Keep going.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean.

[C]

And that's why people get lost.

[B]

Keep going.

[C]

A hubbub such as the stayed Supreme Court has seldom seen since Dred Scott days broke out today when a dapper young salesman set up a stand on the court's white marble steps and started to hawk copies of the book Nine Old Men. The volume criticizes members of the tribunal.

[A]

Exactly. I knew it was tribunal.

[C]

So I gotta start selling books outside. This isn't.

[A]

This is. This is a Steven Crowder. Charlie Kirk. Prove me wrong. Slavery was a good call. Prove me wrong.

[B]

Imagine being aghast at a book.

[C]

Those are the days.

[B]

Look what they've written. They took time to print the whole thing.

[A]

God. Those were the days when everybody clicked. Read more. Do you say you haven't seen Crowder in a while?

[C]

No. The other guy. Kirk. Do you know what happened to him? He's been. He's not going on.

[A]

Someone proved him wrong.

[C]

He's not doing the campus tours anymore.

[B]

I guess he blocked me. And now I'm doing a show where he's a judge and unblocking Reebok.

[A]

It's gonna be a.

[B]

It's gonna be a harder one. Judge Kirk.

[A]

It's gonna be a harder one.

[C]

Charlie Kirk followed me on Twitter, by the way.

[A]

What?

[C]

Oh, you didn't know that? Yeah, he followed me on Twitter.

[A]

Let's have him on Judge Dave. No. The trial is crazy. It's crazy.

[C]

A lot of stuff that's not falling together.

[A]

It's absolutely crazy. It's like. I think that's what is shocking about the era we're in, because the evil has for sure increased, but the competency of how to get the evil going has almost seemingly taken a couple steps back.

[C]

It's a huge Iraq look like a

[A]

hugely competent, you know, thing is really wild. Yeah. They paved over it, Right. That was the move where you're just like. If you're laying concrete day of the asset, the shooting.

[C]

Yeah, that was not a good call.

[A]

Wild decision.

[B]

The etching into the bullets is always like.

[A]

That's my favorite.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

The etching of the bullets is the funniest new thing they're doing.

[B]

It's just the laziness of the effort.

[A]

Well, to what you were saying, it's like nobody reads books anymore. We're just reading bullets and thinking we understand the whole thing.

[C]

The salesman, Robert Riddell, piled two dozen copies of the redbound book on an empty grapefruit case and started to call his wares to the crowds arriving for the court session. He had sold. Yeah, that's what a guy does when he sells books. We got. We got that.

[A]

Yeah, sure. Grapefruit case, too.

[C]

He had sold two books and was posing with a wide grin for newspaper photographers. Jesus Christ. What is happening? Everyone's like, this is crazy.

[A]

Oh, my Lord.

[B]

I think this Dave. Dave Portnoy thought would happen when he released his book. People would be like, taking paparazzi, would be like, oh, my God.

[A]

This is the guy that wrote the

[B]

craziest book of all time.

[A]

Not now. They're actively trying to cancel me, cancel culture.

[C]

I don't pay much attention to him, but when I do see his tweets or whatever, man, that. That is a dumb man.

[B]

It's like insulting the books that he wrote one.

[A]

Yeah, that is very true.

[C]

Like, holy.

[A]

That is very true.

[C]

He had sold two books and was posing with the wide grand for newspaper photographers when Supreme Court guards aghast rushed outside to nab him. I didn't know it was against the law to sell things in front of the Supreme Court, he said. And it looked like a swell place to pedal the book, account of the interest and all. Why is it illegal to sell books there? It's with free. Are you really going to notice? Allow people to sell books on the free speech.

[A]

I'll tell you what the greatest outcome is that he has to take this case to the Supreme Court. He fights it. Yeah.

[C]

All right.

[A]

Oh, Jesus Christ. This a bit meta, isn't it? Bit on the news.

[C]

Oh, that's so funny.

[A]

I can't find what a grapefruit case is. I'm just assuming. I guess it's maybe a. One of the. A wooden container for grapefruits?

[C]

No, it's a case made out of grapefruits, buddy.

[B]

I used to stitch the peels together for buddy.

[A]

Guys,

[C]

after you use it, you eat.

[B]

Prevented a lot of wars. The flavorings.

[A]

I'm buying. Anything this guy's selling if he's got a grapefruit case. Hello, I've come from wonderland. I've got a book.

[C]

Voice replayed. This is New Bostonians are talking to themselves at the Bowdoin Square office of the New New England Telegraph Company. One calls up oneself and talks into the phone.

[A]

Dude, did you see the game last night? That was the craziest I've ever seen. Hey, what are we doing tonight? We going over to Marty's? I'm sick of Marty's wife. Dude, get over yourself. Nah, dude. Let's go down to the 99. We'll do endless racks. I don't hate that.

[C]

Lenny, you done?

[A]

Hold on. Hey, listen, Dan's getting up my ass, so I think I gotta roll. You tell that wipe that if he ever has a problem with me, he comes to my. All right, relax. All right. I gotta get. I gotta off with myself. Hey, I know what that means. No, it doesn't, you clown. All right, talk to you later. Love you. All right, what's going on? What do you need?

[C]

The caller's voice is recorded on tape. The tape is rerun, and the caller can hear how his voice sounds.

[A]

So imagine going to the years of podcasting.

[B]

It's like I'm picturing Smeagol with a Boston accent, and it's just horrifying.

[A]

Oh, that's tough. I'm trying to figure that one out. Precious. Dude, it's my. You gotta be out of your. I ain't giving you the ring. I'll tell you, got more rings than anyone.

[C]

Brady.

[A]

Dude,

[B]

nailed it. He's having a great show. This guy is having a very good show.

[C]

I mean, you're one of our better guests.

[A]

I'm having a very good show, and I don't even like doing the thing where I'm talking about how good it's going.

[C]

But you're not. You're not host material, but you're definitely guest material.

[A]

I don't have time to be hosting.

[C]

Why? What do you got going on?

[A]

Fake talk show.

[C]

You did a talk show in your basement or something?

[A]

Yeah, it's like, imagine if you got 90 cents every time you made a. Like a public access show. I got that.

[C]

All right, Gareth. The Pastimes is brought to you by Quo. Look, run a business. It means you got to be reachable, you know? But then you know you are until you're not, right?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

And the moment you miss that important call, that text or the follow up, whatever it is.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And a competitor grabs it, and you're out of luck. You're out of luck.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

That's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo, spelled Q U O. It's the business phone system built so you never miss an opportunity, never miss a call.

[A]

Nope.

[C]

You know exactly what I'm talking about.

[A]

It's just getting you. Getting your.

[C]

All your calls, all your. I don't know what you're saying over there.

[A]

It's just important.

[C]

All your calls, texts, voicemails, they're all live in one place. So anyone on your team can pick up at a conversation, see the full history, respond fast.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

So what you need, you work with someone like Gareth. You got to have that, because that

[A]

guy needs it right in front of him. This. This is important for me.

[C]

And set up in minutes on any device. Keep your existing number. Add teammates as you grow. No it. No hash. Very easy.

[A]

Very easy.

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So money is on the line. Always say hello with Quo. Try Quo for free. Plus get 20 off your first six months when you go to Quo.com. that's Q U O.SL dollop.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Gareth. The Pastimes is also brought to you by him. Zd. Gareth. There's a moment that you notice that something's Some. It's off in the old bedroom, you know, Y. There's a moment when that happens.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

And then it stick with you. It nods away in your little brain.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

It's tapping away in there. Yeah. Most guys just sit there and let it fester for way too long, but HIMS makes it simple to actually do something about it with real treatment options. 100 online.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

That's the key.

[A]

It's hemple. Yeah.

[C]

Him connects you with a licensed healthcare provider online. Gives you simple access to legitimate ED treatment options from home. No awkward appointments telling a guy what's going on or a lady. No pharmacy lines. You don't got to deal with any of that stuff.

[A]

Sometimes you'll be in a pharmacy line telling someone else in the line what's going on, and you're like, where am I? What am I doing?

[C]

Don't do that.

[A]

And then you get to the farm. You get to the pharmacist and they're going, hey, you're not allowed to do that here. And you go, well, how about you go? There's got to be a better way.

[C]

I didn't like any of that. But look, a simple online intake. A provider looks through your information to determine if treatment's right for you. And then if prescribed, your treatment ships right to your door.

[A]

That's it.

[C]

That's all you need. It's really straightforward, it's transparent, designed to make you feel easy and. And not be worried about it.

[A]

Right? Yeah. And you don't need to do that pharmacy line stuff where you're sort of. Don't ever do that, talking to everybody.

[C]

Yeah, I wouldn't.

[A]

You're letting people skip you so you could talk to the next feller. Or Philly.

[C]

No, no. Yeah. To get simple online access to personalized affordable care for Ed and more, visit hims.com dub that's H I M s.com. that's hims.com stop. Not available in all 50 states. Prescription required. See website for details, restrictions and important safety information information. Sildenafil is the generic version of Viagra. Viagra is a registered trademark of Viatris Specialty llc. HIMS is not affiliated with or endorsed by Beatrice.

[B]

There's

[C]

grapefruit case Witchery held basis for weird crime.

[B]

That would make sense.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

So far in the soft lingual syllable syllables of their nation, a cluster of starry eyed Mexicans yesterday offered a coroner's jury their valuable explanation on of the strange hex murder of Ms. Natalie Garcia Lopez, 39 plump Watts matron, who some say was a witch.

[A]

Whoa. Now this is a trial. This is some good stuff.

[B]

It's usually like who's calling them a witch though. And it's usually the guy that got her pregnant.

[C]

It's not. It's not a trial. It's a coroner's jury.

[A]

What's that?

[C]

They determine how.

[A]

Oh the cause. So. But they call the trial. Is they the coroner's job to be like up there? Yeah. Coroner. What did you find? It looked like a cardio issue cardiovascular problem and a family of Mexicans. She was a witch. 100 a witch.

[C]

I don't know. Who makes up a corners jury? Honestly.

[A]

Okay,

[C]

I don't know everything. Sorry.

[A]

You work with this guy.

[B]

This is news to me.

[A]

Yeah, that's how it works. That's how it works.

[C]

But I will, I will get a lot of angry people telling me how dumb I am for not knowing what a corner.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Obviously you've never been summoned for coroner's jury duty.

[A]

Endless. Endless.

[C]

The bullet riddled body of Ms. Lopez was found practically nude. All right, stop. What it got. It just got titillating.

[A]

Stop. You'd be the worst coroner then. That's what this is, the coroner's test. That's how they test.

[B]

Just what I've been waiting for.

[A]

All right, so we put the body on the. Oh, we do, huh?

[C]

Hello, titties.

[A]

All right, you're not corner material.

[C]

I'm sorry, we can't use you. Why not? Did I not Hubba.

[A]

Am I not so the catchphrase hubba hubba is not good for a coroner.

[C]

I disagree. It's how I start some of the.

[A]

It's a problem overall profession. As far as being a professional goes. It's a. It's a major issue.

[B]

Are we more of an a. Wooga Wooga town?

[A]

No, we're not.

[C]

No, no.

[A]

Both of you need to understand what I'm trying to explain here.

[C]

Hold on, hold on.

[A]

Let me do. No, no, no. I will not hold on. No.

[B]

Yeah. Did you see his eyes?

[A]

Stop. Because what I'm trying to explain. These are people who've passed away and they're naked only so that we can start to determine what the cause of death. Stop. Enough.

[C]

Look, look.

[A]

I'm worried the next thing you're about to say is going to be the worst thing you're going to say.

[C]

You don't stop having great tatas when you die.

[A]

Okay?

[C]

That's in the Bible.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

We are like a firm nip.

[A]

Okay. You out for sure. You're for sure out. You are definitely you. No, get out. You gotta get a new one. That was crazy.

[C]

You don't stop having a big stop. Johnson.

[B]

Stop.

[A]

I can't believe I want to hear the end of it, but stop.

[C]

Well, some of them. It seems like there is no end to it. You know what I mean?

[A]

Out.

[B]

Going and going and going. You.

[A]

I asked you to leave already.

[C]

You're the guest.

[A]

I don't feel comfortable in my role.

[C]

The bullet riddled body of Ms. Lopez was found practically nude last Wednesday in the dry bed of the Los Angeles river under a clump of bushes. It had been here about 10 days. It's interesting because yeah, it's a specific. The juxtaposition of the being shot to death. But then being nude is a weird one.

[A]

I agree. I agree. I agree.

[B]

It feels like make my victims get naked before I shoot them, don't you?

[A]

I have a pitch clothing robbery.

[C]

Just a pretty dress okay, okay. The coroner's jury, perplexed by tales that Ms. Lopez was murdered because Salvador Corona thought she had hexed him with a chronic stomach ache, returned a verdict of murder by a person unknown.

[A]

Had to be Taco Bell. Was the diarrhea watery?

[C]

I mean, if she's a witch, then you know what occurs. This is what you got.

[B]

It reminds me of that guy who tried to sue the super bowl for getting him too horny when it was Jennifer Lopez a few years ago.

[A]

That is news to me. And a phenomenal story, obviously.

[B]

Oh yeah?

[C]

How horny did he get?

[B]

Oh, horny enough to sue. You ever been?

[A]

Oh, I'm gonna call my lawyer. Oh, that is that. I'm feeling litigious. Taking that case as a lawyer is amazing. Yeah, I think we can do it.

[B]

You've got costs.

[A]

Yeah, absolutely. I saw that show. I was way boned up.

[B]

He ruined good pairs of boxers.

[A]

He shot a load in his jammies. We rest.

[B]

We rest. So. So she hexed him and then he shot her.

[C]

Which is still doesn't explain the nudity. I didn't know they did tummy aches. I didn't know which is detonated.

[A]

It seems like a low rung spell

[B]

one finger instead of ten.

[A]

Yeah, it's just a weird like I'm not furious at him, but I'm gonna

[C]

give him reflux nevertheless.

[A]

And then shooting her 10. Shooting anyone 10 times.

[C]

Yeah, I think you gotta reload and.

[A]

And yeah, as a whole. And then be like I better get

[B]

her naked just shooting her and like my tummy hurts.

[A]

You devil woman.

[B]

Hold on a second.

[A]

Now you're gonna pay just to be safe. I better get these clothes off of her. I'll look a bush

[C]

nevertheless. Salvador Corona, 28, having. Oh, sorry. Living at 11109 Moneta Avenue Watts was held on suspicion of murder. He has denied he killed Ms. Lopez or that he believed her A W Yesterday he refused to testify on advice of his attorney, Glattus root.

[A]

H seems.

[B]

Was he holding his belly the whole time? No, I didn't shoot her. But if she didn't shoot her W.

[A]

But I do have real bad diarrhea. Say whip. Yeah.

[C]

Ms. Anacleta Garcia de Juarez, 10715 Anzac Avenue.

[A]

So for anyone who wants to take the tour. Yes, you can do the whole thing now.

[B]

This is where he himself.

[A]

Yeah, this is where she was shot.

[C]

She sister of Mrs. Lopez reeled off a viable account of the circumstances. There was much talk in the Watts Mexican colony, she said about Ms. Lopez being a witch. Word of Corona's stomachache had gotten around, together with the story that he was attributing its persistency to Mrs. Lopez Hex. In fear of her life, owing to her growing reputation As a witch, Ms. Lopez went to Krona's house to disprove her sorcery.

[A]

I didn't.

[C]

I didn't do it.

[A]

I can't believe you showed up on my doorstep after what you did to my sister.

[C]

I'm not a witch. And I don't. I like you. I don't know why would I do that.

[A]

This ends badly. Witch.

[C]

What do you.

[A]

What? You're not even supposed to be on my porch unless I invite you.

[C]

You're a newt.

[A]

A.

[C]

My sister. My sister said she was going over to see Corona, testified Ms. De Juarez Corona was to take her to see a third person. And she said Corona told. That this person told him my sister had been hexing him. So by the way, another guy was like, dad, lady's a witch. That's why your tum tum hurts.

[B]

My cousin's best friend's sister said she was a witch. Dude, what am I supposed to do? I shot her.

[A]

It is obviously, it's amaz, like, to the era. Obviously, we're endlessly stupid now. But to be in the era where if you. If someone's like, they're saying you're a witch, you got to be like, I got to put this fire out right now. Because this end, which ends badly. One guy's foot hurts all of a sudden, he's like, I think that woman over there did that.

[B]

Well, you know, it was probably too. It was just like a bad game of telephone. Somebody called her A one day and like. Did he call her a witch?

[A]

Oh, d. She's a witch.

[B]

And then it just. She's a witch.

[A]

She's like, no, I was just yelling at him.

[B]

He wouldn't pick up his trousers again.

[A]

So you were just being a. No, I wasn't even being a

[B]

he.

[A]

Are you a witch or a.

[C]

And then I got to say, what's the fucking difference?

[A]

There we go. I think I'm going to go shoot the neighbor. Seems like the only course of action at this point. I know a good witch.

[C]

Attorney Simon Lopez, husband of the murdered woman, corroborated the tale, which was in turn supported by the following witnesses. Librado Nia, Ms. Concha Palagio Guadalupe Camarillo, Porfirio Rio Cisneros, And Antonia Lopez, 19th daughter of Ms. Lopez Camarillo, storekeeper.

[A]

Did you say 19th?

[C]

19th. She's the daughter. The. The dead. The dead 19 year old daughter.

[A]

I was gonna say she might be a witch. She's popping out 19.

[C]

That's a litter camera. Storekeeper on Wilmington Boulevard. The last known DEVC. Ms. Lopez testified she passed my store on the evening of February 17th. Corona was in there at the time. Shortly afterward, the left. Boom.

[A]

So he started walking by and he

[C]

was like, he clearly did it.

[B]

He's clear.

[C]

But again, it doesn't make sense to me because she was naked. It sounds like a sex crime. And this is. And. And this.

[A]

I gotta see these clothes. I'm not okay with either, but. Yeah, I don't know. You made it so I can't joke right now. I'm just.

[C]

I mean, I think I got. If I'm piecing this together. I think the cops did it.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

I've never heard of them doing such a thing. How.

[A]

Yeah, that's kind of Dave's go to for everyone. He's like, pretty sure the cops did it. Cops. Come on. Feels a little copy.

[C]

Wife given divorce from Horsemen.

[A]

Centaurs should not be allowed to marry regular women ever.

[C]

It never works out.

[A]

It's disgusting.

[C]

We've all seen the video. Mr.

[A]

Hands, stop bringing him up. Stop. Brings up Mr. Hands once every six episodes.

[C]

I mean, it sounds good to marry one. And then you're like, oh, sorry, It'll be fun. You can ride him around and whatever.

[A]

By the way, Mr. Hands was the bellwether. People are like, this shouldn't be online. We should have been like, we can't do the Internet.

[B]

We should have turned it off at that point. Honestly.

[C]

Great.

[A]

Everybody pretty good for music and businesses were doing good. But we're done.

[C]

It's not. It wasn't just the video. It was also the fact that people were meeting online to do that. Which it was the combination of like, this is all too much.

[B]

I remember seeing one of. With a goat. But the goat wouldn't do. Wasn't like natural for the goat. So people were like moving the goat to. So that it could.

[A]

Aaron.

[B]

Why am I saying this?

[C]

Aaron, what's going on, buddy?

[A]

Aaron. Hey.

[B]

Where am I? What just happened?

[A]

Not in a good place mentally.

[B]

Yeah. Anybody.

[A]

Anybody Gotta move the goat.

[B]

We're not recording this or anything, are we?

[A]

Well, the goat probably wasn't like, hey, all right. Finally.

[C]

No, the goat was definitely not hey, all right. But who's.

[B]

But it was just like a wild west of Internet back then. There were so many horrific things.

[A]

Well, but now it's like, now.

[C]

Now we get to see that with

[A]

people, it's been proven nothing but evil. It should not be. It's time. We had a hell of a run. We learned a lot about ourselves. We will ruin everything. Everything will be ruined.

[C]

We're out of our minds.

[A]

It turns out of our fucking minds. And I mean, the fact, the fact that we live in Trump's brain should just be like, I understand you don't want to use maps anymore, but do you want to live in this? Unplug it.

[B]

Yeah, it's time. Let's say somebody was trying to give me, like, career advice and they're like, you got to find your, like, message and get that out there on the Internet. I'm like, my only message is like, get off the Internet. I don't think the Internet algorithm is going to support no, it's pretty message very well.

[A]

I know it is really upsetting to be like, I'm so pissed off at the way we are collapsing. I think I'll make a video into my phone.

[C]

Ronnie Chang always puts up videos a little in his Instagram thing. It always says, I hate the Internet. I hate social media. Please, please follow my email, please.

[A]

Yeah, I know it is. That's exactly how it is. It's like, we live in hell. This is all gonna. We're all gonna die because of this. It's really ruined everything. Also, make sure you have notifications on and subscribe to my YouTube.

[C]

I don't know if I would be

[B]

convinced the last words sorry of humanity will be somebod frowning and be like, subscribe.

[C]

Comment. It's fun to watch people desperately try to become influencers, though.

[A]

There's something very funny about when people are taking big swings. You're like, yeah, it's like when you see it, like, it's like when I, like, I go jogging sometimes and I'll be like, I'm a fat guy jogging. But when you see, like, a real fat guy jogging, you're like, oh, that's tough. Day two. You. It's like, that's when someone. When you're someone with 100 followers, like, you know what? I gotta talk to y'.

[B]

All.

[A]

But

[C]

it's very funny. It's very funny. When I run across one of those. Some guy who's like, talking like he has millions of followers and you look terrible.

[A]

You know what's worse is why do you see, like, somehow you see like a, like a 13 year old, like, hey, and you're like, no, no, no, no.

[B]

You know what I found kind of. Sorry, go ahead.

[C]

The Rizzler came across My. My feed for some reason. And he was just. He was wearing a goofy, like, Star wars helmet and, like, trying to do tricks on his bike. And I'm like, oh, he's a kid. You totally forget he's a kid. He's just the kids just not being a kid.

[A]

Rizzler's an outlier. Rizzler's like. Yeah. Rizzler's like. I think we kind of accept Rizzler. We? Aj, Big justice, the Costco guys. Guys get.

[C]

No, they should be.

[B]

I don't know what is happening right now. I don't.

[C]

Aaron, do you know about them?

[B]

I. I know. I've heard Rizzler. I've seen things.

[C]

Do you know about AJ And Big.

[A]

Big nothing there.

[C]

It's. It's intolerable. And it's.

[A]

And it's over. It's over. Rizzler's hanging in there. Which. Good. We need him. That's our future president. But AJ And Big justice should be in the Hague.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

And I recognize that. That big justice is 12. Sorry.

[C]

I think he's much older now.

[A]

What is. Like, he's a 14, though.

[B]

Like, what is their hook? What is. Well, Aaron, nobody does anything anymore. I'm sorry.

[A]

No, no, no, no. They go to Costco and they love it. And then outside of that, they eat sandwiches and food or other things and they rate it on a scale of one to five booms.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

So what don't you like about that? Exactly.

[A]

There's no more stories.

[C]

What don't you like about that?

[A]

That would have been like the. When the Mr. Hands video came up. And then you showed us the Costco guys and been like, do you want to keep going?

[B]

I love taking everyday normal things and then rating every experience I have just so I know if I'm. If I'm living at a 5 out of 5 booms all the time.

[A]

Him. At one point, he had to, like, look out his window during some rain and just go, I don't even give myself a boom anymore.

[C]

And they brought. They brought a whole. Whatever. I mean.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

The fact that those people are now just multi millionaires is. Is just like.

[A]

I was surprised Peter Thiel invited him to the island.

[B]

New lecture, how to live with boom in the. In the apocalypse.

[A]

I give Peter Thiel's future five booms. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

[C]

I don't want to do anything. I'm just gonna go.

[A]

Can we be honest? The show lost direction when you replaced me.

[C]

I don't think so. I think. I think it. It makes More sense than it ever has.

[A]

I was getting the show was five booms when I was on.

[C]

Wife given divorce from Horseman, the Walter

[A]

G. That's called a divorce, by the way.

[C]

Take off.

[A]

I don't want to be here either.

[C]

When Walter G. Taylor, wealthy horse race owner, telephone to his wife that he could not come home for dinner, his reason was that something was wrong with one of his horses.

[A]

That one guy online came over and I don't know what he did.

[B]

I got an offer I couldn't refuse.

[A]

It won't run anymore. It just wants to stay in the stable.

[C]

That. That won a divorce yesterday for Esther Howard Taylor, actress who had been married to Taylor since 1930. She told Superior Judge William Baird that Taylor, quote, loved his stable more than his home. What the. How can.

[A]

I sold them to a guy named Mr. Hands.

[B]

So he's just like, I'm divorced. She wanted a divorce because he's out in the stable all the time.

[A]

Yeah. He's just.

[C]

I mean.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't know what just happened.

[B]

Hard hitting. She wanted story.

[C]

Yeah. It's very weird, right?

[A]

Well, I think she wanted a stable marriage.

[C]

Can you apologize to the listeners?

[A]

Nobody's listening. Nobody's listening. Nobody made it to this part. Who am I apologizing to?

[C]

Impaled portion of skull shown to prove attack.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[C]

A piece of Frank Hill's skull impaled upon a pen knife was what Upon a pen knife? Does that just mean it's a small knife?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

Was used as exhibit A yesterday in the case of the.

[A]

That should be the only one. Exhibit.

[B]

Yeah, There it is.

[A]

There it is.

[B]

It's right in his head.

[A]

That's lunch

[C]

Yesterday in the case of the People versus Jack Robertson and Gaston Garfield, youths in their teens.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

You should get one kill as a teenager and you get to walk away. One kill.

[A]

I like it.

[B]

There were some kids in my high school who were trying to pull a senior prank, and as they were running away, a cop was chasing him and he ended up having a heart attack and cleft and died. And they basically got nothing. I mean, not that they killed him, but they got nothing.

[A]

That's awesome.

[C]

Awesome. Interesting.

[A]

We used to run from cops so often when I was in high school. I mean, it was like.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Water ballooning cars, Pine coning cars.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, we would be, like, partying and then the cops would eventually show up and then you'd have run off. Yeah. It wasn't fun, but when you got away, it was awesome.

[B]

One of the first times I ever got stoned I was ended up at a party, and everyone there was drunk, and cops came, and whole basement full of kids. And he's like, I'm gonna be giving you all breathalyzers once I get enough of them and I'm starting with you. And I was just sitting there like. And of course he gave me the breathalyzer, but he turned and silent as a mouse. I swear, like, 40 kids just ran up the stairs and hid from him as he was giving me the breathalyzer. And I blew zeros, obviously. And he's like, what the heck? Like, this kid's clearly like, what the. And then he turned around and gave breathalyzer to the rest of the kids at the party. And only, like, two kids left had any booze on their breath. This cop was like, what is happening? Like, I smell it all over the basement. I can't. The dad is, like, woken up and blocked him from, like, giving the rest of the kids. Anyway, it was great. Like, one of the funniest things.

[A]

We had a friend who could beat a breathalyzer, and he would try to explain his technique, and we were always like, how? We would. He would be as drunk as the rest of us, and then he would blow a breath, and we would be like, what? And he'd be like, if you put your tongue over it a little bit. We were like, what? I saw like, three times.

[B]

It's like one of those monks who can lower their body temperature and stuff.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It was something. So the cops would be like, all right, you can drive. And we'd be like, he's hammered. Like, he could take your car home.

[B]

His birthday. I haven't got.

[C]

Imagine if that.

[B]

Two field sobriety tests. I. I beat those.

[C]

Wow. No.

[A]

No, I failed one.

[B]

One was on the way to a weekend in Appleton.

[C]

Sure.

[B]

Where?

[A]

Skyline.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And we ended up.

[C]

You guys need to be alone.

[B]

Okay. Sorry. We talked about.

[A]

Cliff was in charge. Who's man?

[C]

Wisconsin.

[B]

Cliff was.

[C]

I out by Appleton there.

[A]

Yeah. You got a problem. It's a great club. Sky's a great place.

[B]

I thought we were just telling stories and having a good time, but if you want to get back on track,

[A]

it is a past time.

[B]

Now. I don't want to tell.

[A]

No. I don't want to do this anymore.

[C]

None of us want to do this.

[B]

Just know that I was banned from that club for the rest of my life. Technically.

[A]

Come on, Dave.

[B]

Dave doesn't want to hear it. No.

[C]

Tell the fucking story.

[A]

Jesus.

[B]

It was like we were picking up the headliner. Had to be on the radio Friday morning. So we met Thursday because he had a show in Chicago, and there's a guy who was moving to la. He's like, we gotta stay for the show. Well, I gotta run to Galway Bay, this bar, and we'll do a good luck shot and we'll get on the road. And I was like, all right, this is already going from good luck shot.

[A]

Yeah, that's a Midwest thing.

[B]

So we're like in the bar, and I'm just drinking a monster energy drink. And as we get in, the bar's closing. The feature act was like, my girlfriend's cat got out. It's on the way to the highway. Let's go look for the cat, right? And so we show up at this house at like 3 in the morning, and this guy's like, I didn't let the cat out. I didn't mean anything. I was like, we don't give a about the cat. Because three guys just showed up. And he was like, oh, my God, am I gonna get beat up for this cat getting out?

[C]

Get on the road.

[B]

I. I get pulled over going like, 88. The headliner had, like, a time travel, big to go cup of Jim Beam and diet that he, like, handed back in the seat.

[C]

Oh, yeah, that's how you do it.

[A]

The handbags. Hey, you're gonna go down for this.

[B]

The cops like, well, they smell like booze. And I was like, listen, I just picked these guys up from a bar. We're comedians. He's got to be on the radio, blah, blah, blah. And he goes back to his car, and that's when the headliner's like, listen, I got blow on me. We can't get out of. We're not getting out of this car. And I was like, great, Cool. Love that. We're up in the ante now. And the feature's like, wow, you know, you didn't. You told him you had no drinks. Why didn't you tell him you had two drinks? And I was like, everybody says they had. Just shut up. I know what I'm doing. So I ended up beating the field sobriety test.

[A]

You were sober?

[B]

Mostly. And at that point, I had so much adrenaline it wouldn't have mattered. And we get lost going outside in Milwaukee, end up, like, on the road to Madison before I realized what was happening. And then we, like, take back roads all the way to Appleton, and we got there at, like, 7am and by the end of this weekend, we're all, like, so out of it. The feature act had never used a dishwasher before. So we didn't know the difference between dishwasher, soap and regular. So we flooded the condo after we left. We were like, the second people to ever stay in that nice. That very nice place. So he was like, hey, loved your stuff. We're gonna have you back in feature. And then 24 hours later, he's like, you are banned for life. Get the hell out.

[A]

You don't put Don in a dishwasher, dumbass. Comedy's fun.

[C]

That's very. That's a very 90s comedy story, honestly. Yeah, that sounds very 90s. That's what the headliners back then. You'd go on the road with it and be like, I might die.

[B]

Oh, yeah, just tell my parents I loved him.

[A]

No, those stories, by the way, that's what's so funny about the La Jolla Comedy Store, is it's still the same condo. And you're like, sam Kinison's jizz is on these walls.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah, that's great.

[B]

That's great. I saw that video of Pablo Francisco when he just got, like, crazy stuck in that loop and had to be stretchered out.

[A]

It's crazy.

[C]

Love it.

[B]

All right, my bad.

[C]

The pen knife belongs to one of the defendants. The piece of skull belonged to him.

[A]

Yeah, we know.

[C]

The victim, Frank Hill. Yeah, yeah, that's mine. It said in the first paragraph, a piece of Frank Hill's skull. And then the second paragraph is. It reiterates.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

Who is recovering. Okay, wait. Time out. Time out.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

Pen knife took out a piece of skull. Guy is okay.

[A]

I was picturing, like, the way you cut off, like, a bite of food. That's how big the piece of skull I was picturing. But it must be much tinier.

[C]

It has to be much.

[A]

Unless Frank's there. Like, I don't even think I lost skull. Frank, sit down. I remembered the last time when I went to the skull camp.

[B]

I was just flossing and I sneezed, and I just.

[A]

That does. See if it fits in. Oh, like a puzzle. Hell, yeah. I knew I left that around. Frank, sit down. Hi. Hey. I would like to tell everyone my name's Frank Hill.

[C]

Frank, we know, Frank.

[A]

I have all my skull.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

To this camera.

[C]

No, there's no camera, Frank.

[A]

I'm Frank Skull, and I'm missing a big piece of my. Hill. Have you got a knife, pen? Call me if you can. My phone number is right at the bottom. It's hhh, Frank. All right, everybody, I think we got it. Good stuff.

[C]

Hill, who is recovering and will Suffer no ill after effects. According to municipal court testimony of Dr. Irwin. A fine Frank.

[A]

Doing great.

[C]

He's good. Charged with stabbing Hill in a Cafe fight at 23rd street and Central Avenue last February, Robertson and Garfield were held for trial in Superior Court on assault with a deadly.

[A]

Hey, those look like the guys who'd stabbed my face with the thing. What a coincidence. What are they doing here?

[C]

What in the fuck? What in the.

[A]

I don't even know why they're here.

[C]

I need to know more about the brain, the parts of the head coming out.

[A]

I'll do it to camera four. Hi, my name's Garfield Hill, and I had a piece of Frank taken out of my skull. That was a long time ago. And if I remember, I had a BLT on a croissant. If you have any information that could lead to finding out where my Frank is, please call the number at the bottom of the screen. That number is three. All right, I think we got it. That's lunch. Hey, you guys buy. Those are the guys I knew from lunch.

[B]

No, I picture him just like. Oh, like. Just like. Yeah, that's the first part of my brain. This is the look.

[C]

You take it out, you put it back in.

[A]

Hey. Jesus Christ, Frank. Hey, let's play Frisbee.

[B]

If I poke here, I can speak Portuguese.

[A]

Watch how hard I can kick a ball if I just put my finger on this part. Whammo. Frankie.

[C]

Customer.

[A]

Wrong.

[C]

When a customer at Gustavo.

[B]

No more story needed. I've worked enough retail. That's absolutely true.

[A]

I agree.

[C]

When a customer at Gustavi Kema's filling station today denounced President Roosevelt's Supreme Court reorganization plan, Gustavi, an ardent advocate of the proposal, ordered his patron out of the place, picked up a stick and began to belabor him.

[A]

Hell fucking yeah. By the way. So I rose. Roosevelt didn't end up doing that, did he? Or did he end up end up with the court?

[C]

He didn't.

[A]

Yeah, he like, was talking about it.

[C]

He was classic Democrat. Yeah, he was gonna stack that.

[A]

Yeah, he was like it.

[C]

I mean, but also like, this is just about a. A couple guys who had an argument.

[A]

Yeah, but it's like the one guy was like, the court should remain. We'll figure it out. The people now are like, look, once you get into power, just don't do anything bad.

[C]

Don't do keep it.

[A]

The same

[C]

tonic for morale given men at service club. Finally, between jobs. That's when a man's morale is in danger.

[A]

Yeah. Between jobs.

[C]

And that's when the men's Service Club at 5th and Crocker Streets takes charge to make life easier for job seekers.

[A]

I'm worried about Ralph. He was laid off and he hasn't found new work in a week. Week. We'll be right over, ma'. Am.

[C]

For example, during February, men in search of jobs made 43, 250 visits to the club, used 11200 towels and 2,820 razor blades.

[A]

Hey, that math's weird.

[C]

It's sprucing up for that critical moment when Perspectives boss says, what can you do? Oh, so they, they help. They get to go here to. So these are. These are homeless people because it's the. It's the Great Depression.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

And so it's a place where they can make themselves look nice and presentable for.

[A]

Imagine a time when he cared that much about people and, and helping them where you'd be like, hey, look, I know you're on a hard time. Come here, you get a shower. We're gonna shave you. We're gonna make you look the part. Now you can go out and get a job.

[B]

And now, literally, now it's like a center to get napalmed.

[A]

Yeah. Now it's just now they're just like, yeah, I guess your car can do Uber. We're not paying anymore

[B]

until we figure out how to get robots to do it.

[A]

And then, yeah, by the way, we

[B]

should do that either let you know

[A]

you're on extreme borrowed time, because we are trying to get robots to do this job as fast as possible. Thankfully, the guys in charge are also stupid.

[B]

I saw a video of, like, a guy, like one of those, like, delivery robots, like, getting stuck on a sleeping homeless guy's leg. And I was just like, I don't know that my soul can handle, like,

[A]

God, I don't know if my soul can handle a robot with food in it. Getting Roomba stuck on an unhoused person's limb.

[B]

It was. I was like, just whenever I see anyone, like, taking. There's a somebody, like, attacking a Waymo car and it's like, yes, attack all the robots that are taking the jobs. We can still do.

[A]

Honestly, that should be the new American flag. Is that shirtless guy just beating the out of a Waymo? It was a very important moment.

[C]

We have way more vans now.

[A]

What do you mean there's more vans

[B]

on the street to collect all the unemployed people and take them to the camps? I assume that's right.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

It's cool.

[A]

It's a Waymo job.

[C]

Hunters can check their tools and baggage at the club. They May write letters and get their mail there. They and use the club's telephone to answer help wanted ads or enjoy an hour reading or playing checkers between it tracks.

[A]

I just. It's so crazy. A hundred years ago we were better. We were in a better place.

[C]

The plan.

[A]

What about the plan, man?

[B]

Wasn't there a program where like a bunch of people would get paid to spread out leaves and then like the afternoon shift would come and rake them up and just so people had some work to do during this time?

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

And it was all like paid and.

[A]

Yeah, they were on paid leaves.

[B]

Okay, well, it's been fun.

[C]

All right,

[A]

let me know when we're getting the next title of the episode. Paid Leaves. That's a champs move. Come on, guys. Hold on. I gotta take this.

[B]

Hello, Hollywood.

[A]

Why yes, I would like to work at a Taco Bell. I gotta go.

[C]

Last one. Air conditioning. A 50 mile sewer planned. Do you remember when we used to AC sewers? Yeah, those are the days.

[A]

That was good. The rats, people.

[B]

I don't understand.

[C]

Yeah, the rats are just like, ah, yeah, this is it.

[A]

This is nice. This is nice.

[C]

The longest sewer in the world, 50 miles in length. Soon will be air conditioned. It is Los Angeles's famous $7 million outfall sewer that six months ago was the scene of a death defying. Defying inspection by a city employee who rode down the street Stygian Styian Stream in a rowboat guarded from poisonous gases by an oxygen helmet to locate sections. Is happening to locate sections in which acid had eaten into its tile lining.

[A]

Who is this? Jacques Chernobyl?

[C]

Or how is this not a movie?

[A]

That is I. Because I'll tell you how I don't understand the plot.

[C]

The plot is survival. To get from one end to the other.

[A]

So they're like. We think that acid is eating parts of the sewer. And they're like, well, no one could go down there. It's horribly hot. And then one guy's like, do it.

[C]

I just gotta leave the part of my skull out.

[A]

Just some guy in like 1930s scuba gear on a raft, like

[B]

picturing like his suit, like being eaten by the acid as he. Like when it's like a ticking clock situation. Out of the sewer.

[A]

I can't see for the helmet. What, what, what do you. What lessons have you learned? Really hot. It's really hot.

[C]

Yeah, it's hot. And then, well, I don't know what people are pissing and. But it's bad.

[A]

It's crazy when you put it all

[B]

together, guys I don't know on itself.

[A]

That place is full of. Not good, bad shit.

[B]

Was this the inspiration for the Shawshank Redemption?

[C]

I think so, yeah.

[B]

Stephen King read this story and was like, I got it.

[C]

That's right. As an experiment recommend. As an experiment recommended by Mayor Frank Shaw. On the advice of city engineers, the city council has been asked to allot 5,000 to air condition the giant tube. The theory being that removal of gases by air washing will halt further corrosion.

[A]

I, I honest to God, it, I still don't understand the science of it really doesn't matter. It, it just does hearken back to a time where they were like, long term. What we should do is think about long term. And long term there is very damaging long term.

[C]

Now, they would do this in a heartbeat, but they'd give the contract to a private company who.

[A]

And it would never be done.

[B]

And we eventually just like blow it up and be like, whoops.

[C]

No, we, it's good. We, we gave the contract to Elon Musk's air conditioned sewer company.

[A]

Hi. Yes. The company's called Poopex. Well, Aaron, thank you for joining us and thank you. Thank you for having me. To be quite honest. Yeah, people can go.

[B]

Gareth, for making time.

[A]

People can go watch Turtle Boy and can go see you at the Windy City Comedy Fest. And, and also if people want to follow you, they can just go to Dave's follows and look up Aaron Sutherland because you're there. Because he, because you said at the beginning, Dave has been loving you.

[B]

True beautiful stuff. I love you guys. Thank you so much. Appreciate it.

[A]

Sam.