723 - Garrett Trapnell - part one

Summary

The Dollop #723 – Garrett Trapnell, Part One

Hosts: Dave Anthony & Gareth Reynolds
Release Date: March 3, 2026
Theme: The wild, chaotic, and improbable life of con man, criminal, and grifter Garrett Trapnell; a tale of early trauma, family dysfunction, military dreams destroyed, daring crimes, and escapes—often told with the biting, irreverent humor of Dave and Gareth. This is the first of a two-part series.

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Overview

This episode dives into the real-life story of Garrett Brock Trapnell—born into East Coast wealth and privilege in 1938, only to spiral through a lifetime of increasingly wild escapades. The narrative covers his troubled childhood, brushes with the law, multiple marriages, audacious cons, and numerous stints in both prisons and mental institutions. Dave delivers the tale while Gareth reacts, riffs, and elaborates with their signature comedic banter, never shying away from the bleak or absurd.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Early Life and Family Dysfunction

• Born into Privilege:
  Garrett Trapnell was born in Brockton, Massachusetts, to a wealthy and historic family.
• Parental Chaos & Trauma:
  His admired father—decorated Navy commander—finds his wife in bed with his commanding officer, beats the officer, and divorces her. Garrett, his mother, and sister move back to Brockton.
• Tragedy Strikes:
  After returning, his grandfather is struck dead by lightning ([06:06]), prompting dark humor:
  • Dave: "He was weak." ([08:33])
  • Gareth: "You say it's good for your skin. Yes. Gareth, do not do it." ([07:42])
• Maternal Neglect & Abuse:
  Garrett's mother devolves into alcoholism, often bringing cab drivers into her room with young Garrett present:
  • Dave: "Watching mom get railed by a taxi driver two feet away is not good." ([10:58])
• Physical Abuse:
  After being falsely accused of theft at summer camp, his mother beats him unconscious.
  • Dave: "She did not stop until she had beaten him unconscious." ([12:14])

2. Military Aspirations and Downfall

• Idolizing His Father:
  Raised in Panama with his father, Garrett dreams of West Point and a military future.
• Shocking Trauma:
  His drunk, traumatized father strangles him in a hallucination, believing Garrett to be an enemy soldier ([16:06]).
• Rite of Passage:
  At 13, his father sends him to a brothel with $10:
  • "I'm not even a cab driver yet, dad." ([16:51])
• Dream Destroyed:
  Kidney failure forces him to miss out on West Point; soon after, his father dies.
• Homeless and Rejected:
  Step-mother kicks him out at 14 ("tramp…damn tramp!") ([18:06]).

3. Running Wild: Young Adulthood and First Crimes

• Homeless in Panama:
  Lives in a brothel, stacks tires for $10/week, steals food.
• Enlists in Army:
  Lies about his health to join, shines as a soldier, goes AWOL over a woman and, wracked with shame, attempts suicide by shooting his remaining kidney ([23:28]).
• False Identity, Military Fraud:
  Re-enlists under a fake name—eventually caught, lands in solitary, attempts suicide again.

4. Move to Crime and Grifting

• Early Robbery Spree:
  Pulls a gun on hitchhikers, begins cross-country robberies as the "Shoestring Bandit" ([32:41]).
  • Only robs stores, not people; ties victims with shoelaces.
  • Dave: "Shoelaces are very handy." ([32:56])
• Insanity Plea & Psych Wards:
  Uncle (prominent attorney) helps plead insanity; Garrett fakes mental illness, mimics patients, gets diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic and dodges jail ([34:31]).

5. Rejection and Escalation

• Rejected by Wealthy Family:
  His high-society relatives reject him as a "waste…a violation of great family tradition" ([35:20]).
• Cyclical Stints in Hospitals and Jails:
  Multiple escapes, marriages, failed relationships, annulment, miscarriage.
• Desperate Struggle for Stability:
  Attempts domestic life but fails; engages in sociological 'experiments' with bribery and impersonation.

6. Master Grifter: The Fake Cop Scheme

• Impersonates Highway Patrol:
  Creates fake police gear, a "patrol" car, and collects fake on-the-spot traffic fines with an awkward Southern accent in New Mexico ([51:20]-[55:33]).
  • Dave (on the accent): "The accent from a New Mexico…The accent is not New Mexican." ([54:08])
• Earns $10,000-$15,000/week (today's money) before being caught after a real patrolman busts his ruse ([55:33]).

7. Further Escalation and Canadian Escapades

• Check Fraud & Gun Running:
  Passes bad checks ($150k modern equivalent), gets caught fleeing to Canada with a car full of guns.
• Canadian Prison & Love Affair:
  Swallows a spoon handle to get into the psych ward (where he seduces a nurse) ([59:20]).
  • Gareth: "He could probably eat my whole…" ([60:13])

8. Final Acts of Part One: Insanity as a Weapon

• Stolen Valor:
  Dresses as a Canadian hero to cross the border and reunite with the nurse—marries her.
• Betrayal and Institutionalization:
  Her father gets Garrett thrown into a Texas prison; Garrett exposes abuse by the prison captain, who gets fired ([62:17]).
• Escape and Recapture:
  Escapes, lets out 16 inmates, forges checks, buys a T-bird, heads to LA.
  Part one ends with his romantic life in shambles and escalating criminal energy.

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Memorable Quotes & Banter

• Gareth: "Unfortunately, mine's like an enormous baguette. And mine's a crumb. Mine's a bit of dribbly crumb. And neither one of us won't get shagged." ([19:14])
• Dave: "He got a razor blade smuggled inside of a potato, which he used to slice his wrists." ([25:43])
• Gareth: "Can I call you Spoon?" ([60:33])
• Dave: "She did not stop until she had beaten him unconscious." ([12:14])
• Gareth: "He could probably eat my whole…" ([60:13])
• Dave: "He hands over the extensive list of Molino's employees to the Teamsters Union... exposes discriminatory hiring practices." ([45:01])
• Gareth: "He could not be more proud of Garrett's dad, who had risen to the ranks of Navy and naval commander. At two years old..." ([05:12])
• Dave: "I'm calling you a spoon." ([03:23])

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Important Segment Timestamps

• [03:31] – Garrett Trapnell’s birth and family introduction
• [06:16] – Grandfather killed by lightning; descent into family chaos
• [10:19] – Description of mother’s alcohol-fueled behavior and neglect
• [12:14] – Beaten unconscious by mother after a false accusation
• [16:06] – Father strangles Garrett in wartime hallucination
• [17:00] – Kidney loss ruins his West Point ambitions; father’s sudden death
• [21:49] – Surviving as a homeless teen in Panama brothel
• [23:28] – First military enlistment; suicide attempt
• [25:43] – Razor blade in potato; further suicide attempt
• [32:41] – Launch of robbery spree as the “Shoestring Bandit”
• [34:31] – Psychiatric mimicry, insanity plea, and manipulation
• [45:01] – Exposing employment discrimination at Molino Hardware
• [51:20] – Fake traffic stops as a “cop,” major grifting
• [55:33] – Scheme unravels, arrest, and six-month jail sentence
• [59:20] – Canadian exploits; love affair with a nurse after swallowing a spoon handle
• [62:17] – Testifying about prison abuse; captain gets fired
• [65:18] – Large escape from institution, part one cliffhanger

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Tone and Style

Dave and Gareth consistently riff with gallows humor and absurdist improv, often taking the real darkness of Trapnell's story and flipping it into off-the-wall banter, bad accents, and surreal exchanges. The tone oscillates between biting critique of midcentury American dysfunction and making the most out of even tragic events:

• A mix of sharp, sometimes dark jokes, and genuine awe at the story’s escalating insanity.
• Occasional digressions into personal anecdotes and raunchy humor keep things lively.

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Closing Thoughts

Part one sets up Trapnell as a relentless, gifted manipulator, but shaped and damaged by childhood trauma and familial abuse. The wild ride covers more institutional dodges, failed relationships, cons, and a seeming inability to live an ordinary life.

Dave: "That is the end of part one. Part two gets crazy." ([65:18])

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Main sources cited:

• "The Fox is Crazy Too: The True Story of Garrett Trapnell – Adventurer, Skyjacker, Bank Robber, Con Man, Lover" by Elliot Asinoff
• Fort Lauderdale News, New York Times, Associated Press

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End of Part One.
(Pick up with Episode 724 for the dramatic conclusion!)

Transcript

[A]

The Dollop will be on tour in March 2026. We are going to be in Buffalo on March 22. Then on the 23rd, we'll be in Syracuse. Then on March 24, we'll be in Boston at the Wilbur. Then on the 25th, we'll be in Bridgeport. And 26, the Gramercy Theater in New York. And then on the 27th, will be in Albany. And then on the 28th, we'll be in Pittsburgh. And then on the 29th, we'll be in Philadelphia. And then on the 30th, we'll be in Washington, D.C. at the Lincoln. The. Why would you name a theater after Lincoln? Anyway, that's our March 2026 tour. Go to dollop podcast.com tour for tickets. You're listening to the Dollop on the All Things Comedy Network. This is an American history podcast. For each week, I, Dave Anthony, read a story from American history to a shiny ball of skin, Gareth Reynolds, who

[B]

has no idea what the topic is be about. It's called moisturizing in.

[A]

It's a. It's a bit much. It's scary. I need to be able to look at you without getting glare in my eyes.

[B]

Yeah, I agree. This is a fair criticism, one I hear quite regularly.

[A]

Will you stop moistening? I.

[B]

No. First of all, no. Will not stop moistening.

[A]

Currently, you are. You're currently nominated for moistest man in America.

[B]

I'm definitely top three shiniest podcasters.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[B]

No, and this isn't sweat. This is. This is health.

[A]

You look like the. The top of a bald man's head.

[B]

You know, I've stopped running. I thought that. Yeah, there's some real. I don't know what to. I own it. And. And I like it. I like to. It's. It's all absorbing in there slowly.

[A]

And we know how I feel about it.

[B]

Good.

[A]

No.

[B]

Well, I'll never. It's gotten way worse.

[A]

Oh, no, it's terrible. It's gotten way worse.

[B]

But I'll remember. I remember when we first started traveling together and I got my bag, like, searched at tsa and you were staying, and I was like, why is he hovering? Like, you were just kind of standing there. I was like, get the get, dude. Go to the gate or whatever. And you were standing there and you're like, my God. And I was like, it's fine, man. I'm really. I can manage this. If you want to head to a 47. You were like, what? You're like, we're just going for three days. I was like, Stuff that I need. So if you could just skedaddle, that'd be great. Thank you.

[A]

There's nothing wrong with just, like, show soap and shampoo, buddy. Or. Or shop. You just do.

[B]

That's what I do for the show.

[A]

Two things, and then you're. You. You just need to accept that you're going to age, it's not going to go well, and you're going to fight this. But, man, I'm not even fighting it. Yeah, you're fighting it.

[B]

I am fighting it.

[A]

You're fighting.

[B]

But I also like to have healthy skin, so that's another part of it. I like that.

[A]

I don't know if I called that kind of shine. Like, if you. If you went to a baseball, this

[B]

is a history show.

[A]

If you ain't no basement, this is a history show.

[B]

I will remind you, this is a.

[A]

They would remove you Remove. That is a lie because it would distract.

[B]

You're lying.

[A]

You were distracted.

[B]

You are lying.

[A]

And if Rube was pitching, he would not be able to pitch. He'd be looking at you going, oh,

[B]

they get the fans on your side. Bring up Rube.

[A]

I'm calling you a spoon.

[B]

I don't agree with that. I don't think that's fair.

[A]

January 31, 1938. Year of our Lord J. Town. Kite man, skateboarder, jet skier, hang glider, longboarder. Garrett Shrapnel was born. Garrett Brock. Garrett, not Gareth Garrett. Brock Trapnel was born in Brockton, Massachusetts, to father Walter Scott Kennedy Trapnell and mother Elizabeth Brock, whose ancestors were the namesake of the town. Brockton, I was gonna say. Okay, so if you're. That's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. You don't. You never move.

[B]

Well. And I do think you're allowed to go around the town and order people a little bit.

[A]

Mm.

[B]

You know, you should.

[A]

You should be able to.

[B]

All right, you guys have talked long enough. Go home. Yeah, come on. I'm a Brock.

[A]

I'm calling a Brock on this one. Boys.

[B]

Let's go. All right, come on, now. School's over.

[A]

Yeah, we're done now. Is that your wife, Tommy? Because I'm gonna take her tonight.

[B]

I'm. I'm gonna have your wife, if that's all right. It's Prema and Brockta.

[A]

Well, you shouldn't have moved to Brockton then, Tommy.

[B]

And I won't be paying. I'll take those.

[A]

Hey, I like your house.

[B]

That's mine.

[A]

Now get the fuck out of here.

[B]

Yeah, drink all that ocean water. Hey, you too. Drink the ocean Drink it, Tommy.

[A]

Put your face in the ocean.

[B]

How are you, ma'?

[A]

Am?

[B]

Shit your pants?

[A]

Walter was a decorated war hero with family roots in colonial America going back 300 years. So they're those types.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

The families were millionaires, part of the uppermost crust of high society. And everybody could not be more proud of Garrett's dad, who had risen to the ranks of Navy and Naval commander. At 2 years old, he was.

[B]

At 2 years old, he was a Naval commander.

[A]

Those are different sentences. That's crazy. I know.

[B]

When did he. When did he. He's even get into the. The Navy? I mean, he must.

[A]

Two months.

[B]

Two months old, he joined the Navy.

[A]

Yeah, but he went in as lieutenant. Wow. Yeah. He was quite a baby.

[B]

That's unreal.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That is crazy. That has to be a record. No, Nobody's ever been younger than.

[A]

No, they were younger.

[B]

Stop.

[A]

Teddy Roosevelt started in the military when he was three days old. At 2 years old, his father moved the family, including Garrett's infant sister, Rachel, to Panama, where he was stationed.

[B]

Very similar to. To Mass. Rural Massachusetts.

[A]

Very similar. Hey, would you kids. Would you like malaria? Garrett grew up idolizing his old man. Quote, the dashing commander was rebald. Hard, drinking, adventurous. But he was not prepared for cuckoldry.

[B]

Who wasn't? Garrett.

[A]

Garrett's dad.

[B]

Garrett's. That wasn't. Okay, so.

[A]

Because that.

[B]

What I misses enjoyed Garrett.

[A]

Garrett's dad came home one from work one day to find Garrett's mom in bed with his commanding officer.

[B]

That's tough.

[A]

But that's. You know, you're outranked.

[B]

I mean, he's two. He shouldn't even be married at this point.

[A]

So Garrett's dad, to beat the out of his boss. Good. And immediately divorced Elizabeth, sending her and the kids back to Brockton.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

They lived with Garrett's grandparents until one day when Garrett's grandpa was standing out on the porch and was struck dead by a bolt of lightning.

[B]

Those are the days that'll happen. That's the best.

[A]

But that's why you don't stand out on the porch just jingling keys.

[B]

Well, this is before they knew that lightning was bad.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

So I also think that's a great way to go.

[A]

For a long time, they considered a cure for acne and spina bifida.

[B]

This is a joke.

[A]

No.

[B]

What

[A]

you're not doing for your skin, you're not doing.

[B]

You say it's good for your skin. Yes.

[A]

Gareth, do not do it.

[B]

What does it do?

[A]

It makes you a little bit Shinier.

[B]

How much?

[A]

Shiny

[B]

Globe wax. Shiny.

[A]

Shiniest men on Earth. I think the people who've been struck by lightning are considered to be the shiniest people. It's what the song Shiny People is about by REM and they're happy, too, by the way. I think mostly shiny.

[B]

Keep that in mind, though.

[A]

So with Grandpa dead, they moved on. Grandma, mom, sister.

[B]

Must be the weirdest way to just be. Like, what's. Where's Grandpa? Your grandfather was killed by lightning.

[A]

Just now he's outside cooking on the porch.

[B]

What happened to Grandpa? Look, we're not gonna pull punches. Grandpa stood outside during a storm, and lightning hit him, and now he is gone, and he is very, very sizzled.

[A]

He was weak.

[B]

All right, Easy does it.

[A]

He was a weak son of a ma.

[B]

Boy, that storm's really moving. In last words. That's looking pretty bad, actually. I don't see lightning.

[A]

So they moved a home in Quincy, Massachusetts, and Garrett's mom devolved into an alcoholic mess. She would get in brawls with grandma where, quote, their battles escalated into screaming fist fights, scratching, clawing, hair pulling, bedlam in the presence of the kids. Garrett's mom insisted on having Garrett sleep with her. He was sick, so that's not terrible.

[B]

That's not bad.

[A]

That's. Yeah. That's not horrifying. The grandmother who would sometimes burst into the bedroom to throw a bucket of water on them. That's on the grandma. Like, that is strange if a kid doesn't have a parent. Like, or. No.

[B]

Are you. Are you shaming this woman? Who's. For sure.

[A]

I'm saying I don't know where the kid was when Grandpa got struck by lightning and killed. That's gonna put a little bit of scare into the kid. So six years old, sleeping a parent is fine.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's just. It's when they're 16 that it gets a little weird.

[B]

Well, I. I slept with my mom until recently.

[A]

You know, it's as weird as me, too.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I slept with your mom until, like. Well, that hip thing really put a wrench in our lovemaking. I turned over the phone because there's pictures that were on there.

[B]

What's the next word you want to use?

[A]

It's not a weird.

[B]

Your dad gave me a blowjob.

[A]

Okay, yeah, that's fine. I don't give a shit.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Like, who would care about that? So, you know, so the situation's not good with mom and the grandma. Garrett would go with her on occasional jaunts with taxi drivers to a room at Boston's Stotler Hilton, paying the cabbie to accompany her to her room and even to her bed, all in the presence of her son. Wow. Roll over and go to sleep, she would mumble to him in warped desire for privacy.

[B]

Oh, dear.

[A]

I said alcohol A little bit different.

[B]

That's wrong. Now that's not okay.

[A]

Now can we say the sleep with a six year old is actually taking a turn?

[B]

Well, I mean, I know it seemed maternal. Now this is an issue.

[A]

Yeah, it's taking a turn. I feel like watching mom get railed by a taxi driver two feet away is not good.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Oh, my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

[B]

Oh, Mom,

[A]

Mom.

[B]

Hold on, hold on. Let me get the rest in. Oh, there we go.

[A]

Oh. Oh. Is that the taxi driver?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Oh, no. What was your question, babe?

[A]

What's happening?

[B]

Oh, did I say roll to the other side? Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Try to go to sleep. Try to go to sleep, though.

[A]

It's coming.

[B]

Try to go to sleep though.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

All right. I'm gonna walk like I rode a horse to the back.

[A]

Still through all the perversion.

[B]

Big one.

[A]

Okay. Still through all the perversions and drunkenness, he loved his mother and needed her in his life. But she made it nearly impossible. While at sweep. While at sleep away at camp in New Hampshire, Garrett was falsely accused of stealing a pearl necklace and was forced into a locked cabin until his mom took him home. Me quote. There she spoke only with belt and fists. Intoxicated with a need to thrash him beyond any trace of mercy or understanding. She did not stop until she had beaten him unconscious.

[B]

Good. Good, good, good.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, that's. I think that's how you handle that, right?

[B]

Yeah. You have to send abusive adult messages to children. That's.

[A]

I think the best way to teach your kid not to steal is a concussion.

[B]

Yeah. Cut their hands off.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Treat it like a market.

[A]

Yeah. Or head. Sure. Yeah. So that's when the camp director arrived to apologize and the actual thief had confessed. But Gareth, that moment, he wasn't conscious to hear it.

[B]

That moment, after she just beats him unconscious. Never again. Excuse me, Ms. Brock.

[A]

Uh huh.

[B]

So this is a big old oopsie doopsie. One of the other children took the pearl necklace. We. We found it on him. So Brock didn't actually even do it whenever you wake him up. I don't know if you want to tell me.

[A]

Can you have done something else bad?

[B]

Brock?

[A]

Yeah. Is there another?

[B]

Well, he. I'll tell you what. He did do. Was he, he, he said how important truth is to him throughout the whole thing. And we obviously thought he was lying because we thought he took the pearl necklace. That's why we locked in the cabin for a few days. But it was this other kid, Jeremy, who, who's a bad kid and Brock's a good kid. Brock's a good kid. We maybe want to get a mirror under that nose just to make sure.

[A]

Tissues for the blood coming out of his ears.

[B]

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, we'll, we'll definitely get around to that, I'm sure.

[A]

Boys do. So they beat this. I'm bad. He's a boy.

[B]

Brock's been enough standing.

[A]

He's a boy. Probably did something.

[B]

He, he's. Well, you know, actually he did do something. This is funny. He washed trays the other. Because kids spill food on the trays a lot. And Brock, Brock insisted on washing the son of a. Well, it was very helpful to the cafeteria stuff.

[A]

I don't think so.

[B]

Yeah. So it's just, you know, he watches me have sex. Oh. Well, that's with cab.

[A]

With strange cab drivers.

[B]

That's a, that's an interesting choice for a child.

[A]

I, I, I can't pay the fair.

[B]

I'll be honest. When I was a boy, I watched my mother have sex a tremendous amount. And, and it gave me a sense of.

[A]

Would you like to watch me? Absolutely.

[B]

It'd be fantastic. It would be an absolute honor.

[A]

Okay. You got any Cab? Travis?

[B]

Yeah, I'm sure we can figure that out.

[A]

Cab and I'll a man in front of you.

[B]

Okay. Great. All right. Well, this is. Yeah, this has been a great meeting. When Brock's alive again, I think we can, we can work on that. Until then, I'll, I'll call cab right now and let him know the interesting direct.

[A]

Thank you. Camp Shikakawa

[B]

went good.

[A]

It went very good. Like a guardian angel. Garrett and his sister were plucked from this hell by their dad, who brought them back to Panama with him. Garrett loves Panama. He quickly learned.

[B]

So you thought that that cabbie fucked your mom, huh? Your dad fucks way better than any cab driver. You're gonna watch him right now.

[A]

He loves Panama. He quickly learned the language and swelled with immense pride at how powerful and respected his father was. For the first time in his life, he was happy.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Garrett drove headfirst into military strategy and battle tactics. But those didn't help him the night his dad came home shit faced and hallucinated that Garrett was a Japanese soldier and strangled him while screaming slurs

[B]

thought we were.

[A]

That's like. That's like growing up.

[B]

We were on the good path.

[A]

He was growing up with McCain. It's just how it goes.

[B]

Wow. That is.

[A]

Yeah. War as hell. Sometimes your kids gotta pay.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Just the other than that incident, the dad could actually.

[B]

That's a hell of a way to wake up that.

[A]

Yeah, the dad actually could hold his liquor better than the mom. So it's still a better. When Garrett turned 13, his dad gave him 10 bucks and sent him to a whorehouse to become a man.

[B]

Oh, Christ.

[A]

What?

[B]

Every part of that's bad.

[A]

It seems like there's.

[B]

I'm looking for.

[A]

It seems like there's some. Some sexual problems in this family that are not great.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Garrett was bad.

[B]

I'm not even a cab driver yet, dad.

[A]

Garrett was bound for the prestigious West Point Academy, following his father's footsteps.

[B]

Hey, I'll go to West Point.

[A]

His whole adolescence had built to going to West Point. This was his entire life, painstakingly created by his father to get him to this very moment. But right before enrollment, Garrett's kidney failed, and it had to be removed. And West Point didn't accept boys with just one kidney. Sorry, you're out.

[B]

Your body expelled a kidney.

[A]

Now, if you find another boy with one kidney, you can fight. And whoever wins gets the other kidney. And then you have two kidneys.

[B]

It's the West Point option.

[A]

Yes. So Gary and his dad are crushed because this has been the whole plan.

[B]

I love that it's through the prism of not being able to go to West Point, not losing a kidney.

[A]

I don't know why he only had one kidney. That could be explained, but, yeah, Then things got worse. Just before Christmas in 1952, his dad died of a massive heart attack. A few weeks later, he came home to find his stepmom with another man. And he yelled at her, quote, tramp. You damn tramp. The stepmom used this as an excuse to kick him out. 14 years old, kicked out of the house.

[B]

Can we just. Very quickly.

[A]

Go ahead.

[B]

Bottom line, what happened here? The dad was bad at sex.

[A]

You might be right.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, for two.

[A]

These ladies are looking for satisfaction.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But the debt's dead now.

[B]

Yeah, I'm not trying to. God, I mean, I miss him every day, but, you know, very, very, very

[A]

obvious that maybe he had a micro penis.

[B]

Okay, so?

[A]

Well, that. Based on the recent news where a guy went on TV in England and said they did a micro penis.

[B]

Wait, what?

[A]

A guy went on a talk show that some. Some show in England had a. The guy with the biggest penis and then the guy with the smallest penis.

[B]

They had a show with the guy with the biggest penis.

[A]

They both had. They both had sex problems because the guy's like, it's too big. A lot of ladies can't do it. And the little guy was like, it's not even there.

[B]

Oh, man.

[A]

So I'm just saying, if you have a mic. If you have a micro penis, you know, don't go on tv. That's a good thing that you can just not tell.

[B]

Unfortunately, mine's like an enormous baguette. And mine's a crumb. Mine's a bit of dribbly crumb. And neither one of us won't get shagged.

[A]

I'm shagging him.

[B]

I don't even know where mine is. It's just like a geyser.

[A]

I knew a girl who slept with a dude when we were, like, in her 20s, and she. And he's a good friend of mine. She goes, it's like a field mushroom.

[B]

Oh, I've heard. Yeah, I've definitely heard. Heard some stories from women where they're like, by the way, hey, I'm not upset if someone's been with a micro penis. Man, that. To me, that's. That's phenomenal. Yeah, that's great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, I can run average speed, but you're telling me, like, my last guy can. He could only walk. I'm like, hey, look how fast I am.

[A]

If you have a micro penis, there's ladies out there. There's people that don't like sex. Like, there's people.

[B]

There's people who like microp.

[A]

Find anybody? Yeah, you find something, you can find someone. It's harder. The. The mystery. The micro. The micropenis dating apps are not as popular as the other ones.

[B]

Tiny Ender.

[A]

Well, the. I think it's called under one

[B]

finder.

[A]

We're way off track.

[B]

Boy, I. I got to see that show.

[A]

So he gets kicked out of the house now. He was.

[B]

Imagine, like, sending your application in for the tiny penis.

[A]

I don't know. I honestly don't know how that came about.

[B]

Yeah, unfortunately. Look, you've got an extremely tiny. But we found a man who's got basically nothing. Really? Yeah. Yours is horrible, but it's just a bit too large.

[A]

It's the size of the eye of a newt.

[B]

Yeah, Honestly, it's really small. Yeah, well, we found a bloatwood one that looks like a fish eye, so that's what we're Gonna go with it.

[A]

And this one over here, he's got like an elephant foot.

[B]

Oh, let's go over here. He's got a phone. It's absolutely shocking what he's got. He's got 5,000 of what you got. How about that? Is that wild? You believe that?

[A]

Okay, so he is kicked out of the house. He is a homeless teenager, and nobody, you know, nobody there to help him. So he ends up living in a brothel named the House of Love and got a job stacking tires in the, you know, Panama heat for $10 a week.

[B]

That is gotta be top five worst setups we've ever heard on this show.

[A]

It's pretty bad.

[B]

He stacks tires in Panama in the dead heat. And then he goes home to his.

[A]

And he would steal food. He would sneak in to his old house to steal food. His sister would help him.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

So he worked and worked until he wore down his only pair of shoes. So he helped himself to some penny loafers. He founded the swimming pool and was caught by the cops. Oh, dear. And finally, in 1955, he was able to enlist by lying that his kidney scar was from an old hunter.

[B]

They put a third in.

[A]

It was from an old hunting accident.

[B]

There was a. Yeah. Yep.

[A]

Quote. He was, of course, the finest soldier, imagine, imaginable, gliding through basic training the way a mathematical genius might spit out the multiplication table. So he's good, right? He's a good little soldier.

[B]

Good.

[A]

But then he got in trouble for going AWOL because he was trying to woo a young woman and was four hours late back to. To base. So now he's so.

[B]

I mean, give it up.

[A]

You can't.

[B]

You can't go a four hour extra wooing.

[A]

Sometimes you got to really go for it.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

It's called wooning. I would.

[B]

I would go another two hours of woo.

[A]

Uhhuh.

[B]

But at that point. What are you going to do? 4. 4 is stalking. 4 is really pushing it. Who do you think you are?

[A]

We were having such a good time,

[B]

and we're still having a very good time.

[A]

So he's racked with guilt. Fearing he would be kicked out of the service. He felt as though he had dishonored his father and was so distraught that he tried to kill himself by shooting his remaining kidney. What the. I get it. I get it.

[B]

By the way, knowing where they both are is amazing. That's a feat.

[A]

Yeah, that's a feat. But also like, hey, what's the slowest way I could die? Yeah.

[B]

Brain.

[A]

Yeah, you get brains a lot faster through the Kidney? Yeah. Heart? Yeah. Both Garrett and the army called it an accidental shooting. To cover up the embarrassment to his

[B]

family name, he accidentally shot his other kidney. This guy's got a real bad luck when it comes to kidneys.

[A]

He. There's. It's not just his dad. There's other like high ranking Trapnels. So Garrett was transferred to engineering at Fort Benning in Georgia, which he hated. He began forging passes that allowed him to travel all over the country. But was finally caught in California and court martialed. Then he was discharged at 19 years old. So being in the military had been his entire life's purpose. And now he's just like rudderless. Doesn't know what to do. He goes. Goes back to stay with his mom who's living in Miami.

[B]

But he just couldn't walk away from the military.

[A]

Yeah. Wow. So he re enlists with another identity lying about his name and background. Wow. I'm Gareth.

[B]

Opposite of a draft dodger. Gareth Reynolds. You're just not shiny enough for this academy boy.

[A]

Get out. You're not shiny. You know, Reynolds, I swear to God. He quickly goes up the ranks to become a basic training instructor. But his lies catch up to him. A year later, they learn the truth. And he was thrown in the hole. Solitary confinement for 30 days with just bread and water. If he was lucky, a carrot or potato. And then he was released. But soon after was thrown back in for pet. A petty infraction. So this time he planned.

[B]

He might have just loved bread.

[A]

True.

[B]

It's just like the food in the hole is delicious.

[A]

Can I get a whole wheat today?

[B]

A carrot? What did I do? Thank you, boys.

[A]

So now he plans on beating everyone. He's determined to get out of there by any means necessary. And Garrett got a razor blade smuggled inside of a potato. Right. Which he used to slice his wrists.

[B]

Yeah, he did that in the hole.

[A]

Someone smuggled someone's razor blade and potato and then he cut. Well, that shows him, right? Right? Yeah. In a flash, he was sent to a psych ward in San Francisco. And that's the end of his military career. It's. It's over.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

They're like, okay, we get it, right? Maybe not. You think? So now he's just totally adrift, alienated from military and all they stand for. He finds the one place that he can fight back the hardest. He joins Fidel Castro's Cuban revolutionary.

[B]

What would you do that?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's awesome.

[A]

Doesn't go well. Why he almost immediately end up ended up in one of dictator Batista's jails.

[B]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[A]

And you know, no one likes to talk about this because they all say Fidel Castro is bad, but go read about dictator Batista, who they got rid of.

[B]

Right. It's Cat. What are your thoughts on Castro?

[A]

I think that he did some amazing, amazing things. I think he called climate change in the late 80s what it would be today. If we listen to them, the world would have been saved. The health care is absolutely incredible. Yeah. There's just a lot of.

[B]

They came up with a vaccine for like so fast.

[A]

They've done so many good things. Like they just recently redid their whole constitution and it took years. And every single town and every single place got to take part in it. And now, like, you know, gay rights and trans rights and everything way past what we have. Like, there's a lot of good things,

[B]

it turns out, but you can't be here. The nerve of this country. Putting embargoes out of other places.

[A]

It's just. It was so funny. I was watching.

[B]

We don't want to be a part of you. Yeah, no, we're good too.

[A]

Okay, thanks. Yeah, I was watching people in Europe talk about how we don't have any freedom and just thinking right wingers brains going, what do you mean?

[B]

Yeah, you know, if you don't have

[A]

health care, you don't have freedom.

[B]

I mean, we are the micro penis guy putting in the job application for the huge dick.

[A]

So as a gringo, he is treated differently than the Cubans who he was watching die by the dozens in Batista's jersey. Eventually, he was dumped onto a commercial flight back to Miami with gamblers and mobsters who thought he was there to fight against Castro. Hmm. So he was lauded as a hero by men he just didn't respect. Anyway, Garrett back at his mom's house. Back to square one. That's quite.

[B]

To go back to mom's.

[A]

I know. Hi, Mom. What'd you do this time?

[B]

Do you want some spaghetti? I was with Fidel Castro yesterday.

[A]

So he decides he's going to go back to San Francisco and reconnect one of with one of his nurses. But then he just gets bored with that and he drives down to Los Angeles just to check it out.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

He chain smoked in a hotel room until he couldn't stand it anymore. And then he drove northeast for no particular reason. He gets to Barstow, he picks up two hitchhikers. Like drifter guys. Sure, but they were just depressing him. He was just not into. They were a bummer.

[B]

That's a real. Like, what do you expect?

[A]

It could be fun.

[B]

Sure, man. I'm so sick of hitchhiking, dude. Everything just, like, sucks now. Oh, man. It feels like everything around us is just crumbling.

[A]

Yeah. Let's listen to music.

[B]

I can't get the seat. The seat is not comfortable, dude.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I hate when, like, there's a little bit of on the seat. Like, it. The fabric is torn a little, and it keeps pinching the back.

[A]

Yeah, no, I literally gave you. Right. Because you give me tape.

[B]

Maybe I could put a little tape.

[A]

I don't have tape.

[B]

Feels like a crab is pinching the back of my leg. Dude, did you hear how bad crabs are doing, man?

[A]

Can you.

[B]

I actually do have genital crabs, and I'm talking about the sea. Sea crabs are doing so bad lately, dude. Like, the whole ocean is its own thing, but it's not even gonna make it anymore, dude.

[A]

Can you. We're gonna stop.

[B]

Oh, man.

[A]

Stop here and you're gonna get out and go to the bathroom.

[B]

I can't, dude. My legs are asleep. I'm not gonna be able to walk for, like, a day.

[A]

Can you roll out?

[B]

No way, man. What are you talking about?

[A]

Okay, so I'm gonna roll you out.

[B]

Oh, dude, I got so much dirt in my shoe. Let me empty it here.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Oh, my God. That's crazy. It's a pile. Oh, I got an idea. Maybe I'll build a little castle down here from dirt. Ah. Something's not agreeing with me. I ate something bad earlier, man. Ah.

[A]

I'm actually gonna shoot this guy. Ah.

[B]

Feels like I ate a potato with a razor in it.

[A]

Dude, I'm actually gonna kill you doing the character.

[B]

Oh, my God, man.

[A]

That's where I'm at.

[B]

All right, real quick. Do you want to hear an original song?

[A]

You're like a jam band.

[B]

This is an original song I just wrote.

[A]

Oh, you're not going to do in the car together.

[B]

And we're driving in the car and the cars together, and we're getting out. Really fair. Yeah. Seat belts are not that regular now. I pooped.

[A]

But he doesn't. He doesn't ditch the hitchhikers. He comes up with a different idea.

[B]

Kill him.

[A]

He pulled a gun out of his bag.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

And with the devilish. He smirked, quote, let's rob somebody.

[B]

I. Are you gonna go to Victorville?

[A]

So they hold up a gas station off Route 60.

[B]

So amazing to be, like, a hitchhiker. Like, all right. Okay.

[A]

It's on the western outskirts of Gallup, New Mexico. And then they drive east into town as opposed to west away from it. Which fools the cops.

[B]

Cops are awesome.

[A]

And he watches as the cops just drive right past him.

[B]

We believe they went into a Stargate

[A]

and they're just, you know, they're certain that the robbers would go the other way. Right into California. That makes sense. Yeah. So this was the beginning of.

[B]

Nobody would go deeper into New Mexico. What's the point of that? Well, that's impossible. Even the sickest piece of shit isn't going to do that.

[A]

So this is the beginning of a cross country robbery spree. From Des Moines to Maryland. The guys would dress up as tramps and tie their victims up with their own shoelaces. Being careful not to hurt anyone or take any money from the people. Just stores. Okay. Finally, all the way down in Raleigh, North Carolina, Garrett was eating a hamburger when four cops tackled him off his chair and arrested him. They had caught the infamous shoestring bandit.

[B]

So, ready for Home Alone 3?

[A]

People don't think about the shoelaces. But if you're. If you are kidnapping someone or whatever, shoelaces are very handy.

[B]

Sure. What are you talking about?

[A]

Just ideas.

[B]

Right. Ways to bind strangers.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Say there's a guy with a mask and he's running around in your town.

[B]

Say there's a guy with a mask.

[A]

Mask on. A guy who's just a random guy with a mask and armor on and stuff. Sneak up. Sneak up underneath him.

[B]

Shoelaces don't take out heroes.

[A]

See him underneath him while he's not penetrating and tie his shoelaces together. Yeah. Bingo. Okay, so his uncle was a prominent attorney and defends him. He helps him plead insanity.

[B]

A fun. A fun era.

[A]

So Garrett didn't think he was insane, but he would rather be at the psych ward than in jail for 20 years. Yep. Which is what the other part of his gang who was caught got.

[B]

Jail.

[A]

Yeah. 20 years, Garrett. Quote. So I went to the state hospital and I dug the whole action.

[B]

I dug the whole action.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Pretty cool. Got a lot of twisties up here.

[A]

These people are nuts. A lot of this place is awesome.

[B]

A lot of people doing a lot of stuff. Man, you've never met a more independent crew.

[A]

I read more damn books on psychiatry and psychology than probably any psychology student will in any school in the world. Now while he's there, he starts mimicking other patients, vacillating wildly from cold and arrogant to blub a blubbering fool. And this led to an eventual diagnosis as a paranoid schizophrenic sure.

[B]

But he's just fully pretending.

[A]

Allows him to skip any time in prison, and then he gets released after a year.

[B]

Well, that's awesome, too.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, that was the problem with this, the insanity plea. Right. That they were just eventually like, all right, see you later.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like a year later, like, well, you're. You don't have schizophrenia anymore, my friend.

[A]

All right. Bye. Bye.

[B]

Bye, Garrett.

[A]

Once out, he went to live with his rich and successful trap. No side. But he was treated like a. Like a freak.

[B]

Right.

[A]

He was aghast at the snobbishness and vanity of his rich relatives. He felt suffocated and he wanted to leave, but the family told him that once he made his break with them, they'd never save him again.

[B]

It's like Rum Springer.

[A]

Exactly. He couldn't take it and he bailed anyway. And then the family rejected him as, quote, a waste, a washout, a violation of great family tradition.

[B]

No.

[A]

Which is what you've been called. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Today.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, I don't think you're allowed to come back.

[A]

He knew his life was anything but stable, and he went back and forth to mental hospitals and prisons. He'd make it out. He got a woman pregnant, he married her, then she had a miscarriage and they annulled the wedding. And then he fell in true love with a beautiful woman a couple years younger than him. And he actually made it work for a bit.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

He was even moved to try to get back in touch with his shrapnel family. He's like, I'm changed. I'm domesticated.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Well, not for anything. Just because this new love, may made him want to connect with the family he had once hated. Right. Okay. But they were completely ignored him, as they said they were gonna have nothing to do with him. Right. Shrum Springer. And that. That makes him snap.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So he buys a plastic gun.

[B]

Good. This is a good beginning to a comeback.

[A]

Yeah. And he went to a police station.

[B]

That's good, too. These. Yep. That's the directions.

[A]

And pointed it at the sergeant, telling him he was going to blow his brains out.

[B]

Right. So absolutely right on. This is. This is how you do it.

[A]

And then he was tackled by a bunch of cops. Sure. Yeah. And when they found out the gun was fake, he was thrown into an institution.

[B]

Oh, so he's back.

[A]

Back in a. Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. Gareth, if you are a pet parent like me, I have three dogs. You know about Chewy. You're a chewy guy. What?

[B]

That's a really weird way of saying that.

[A]

When they say you have everything you need to keep your pet happy and healthy, they're not kidding, man. That's for real. I do. But you know why, Gareth? Why Chewy? Because I just said Chewy. I'm a chewy guy.

[B]

Stop saying you're a chewy guy. That sounds like you're bragging. Like that sounds like a way to get out of cannibalism.

[A]

I do all my pet business there. Not the bathroom stuff, but everything else. I do the buying, the purchasing.

[B]

This is the worst ad you've ever done.

[A]

Chewy has over 100,000 products from all brands. My dogs love them. My dogs love the prices. They got food, treats, they got beds, whatever, whatever you think. Leashes.

[B]

They have water fountains for cats. I use Chewy. All I'm. I love Chewy.

[A]

Birds, fish, reptiles, they got it. They got for everything they got.

[B]

I'm a Chewy boy.

[A]

Yeah. You can get there in one to two days. I have my pet food on a subscription, so it comes when it very easy.

[B]

And they don't do the thing where they're like, hey, you signed up for the subscription version. They're like, hey, look, we know you probably just want it once, but if you want.

[A]

Yeah. 24. 7 customer service, which Gareth really, really loves.

[B]

Sometimes he just loves. They literally answer their phone like you're calling a landline and it's your friend's house.

[A]

Yeah. Day or night, it's pretty great. We're big users of Chewy. I get everything from there.

[B]

When we found out that we were going to be working with Chewy, we both were like, this is awesome. Because we will not shut up about how much we love Chewy.

[A]

That's correct.

[B]

We're Chewy boys.

[A]

Chewy is everything you need to keep your pet happy and healthy. And right now, you can save $20 on your first order and get free shipping by going to chewpanions.chewy.com dollop podcast. That's chewpanions.chewy.Com dollop podcast to save $20 on your first order with free shipping. Chupanions.chewy.com dollOp podcast. Minimum purchase required. New customers only. Terms and conditions apply. C site for complete purchase details. Yeah, Gareth. We are also brought to you by Squarespace. Yeah, what is Squarespace, you ask?

[B]

Well, I'll do it. I'll do that role. Hey, what's this Squarespace stuff?

[A]

Oh, Gareth. It's an all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. It doesn't Matter if you're just starting out or you're trying to crank up your numbers, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain. Showcase.

[B]

Hey, did you just say crank up your numbers?

[A]

Yeah. Showcase your offer.

[B]

Crazy.

[A]

With your personal website, grow your brand. You get and get paid. You can get paid doing all this. You get paid on your. On your little website that you do.

[B]

Gareth Reynolds.com is my website.

[A]

Gareth Reynolds.com as you can get Garrett's tour information. And if you want to get our tour information [e-mail]. yeah, we have. And we're going to be out on the road starting March, late March 20th, 21st, I think it starts 22nd, I think in Buffalo. 22nd in Buffalo.

[B]

And.

[A]

And then we go all over the east coast.

[B]

We go end in dc, we're all over the.

[A]

Yep, yep, yep. So Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services, get paid all in one little place there. You get paid on time with professional on brand invoices and online payments. And Gareth, you can make smarter business decisions with Squarespace. Intuitive built in analytics tools. Review website traffic, learn where to focus engagement and track revenue from bookings, invoices, product sales. All right there in one. Yes, we love it. We have all of our websites with Squarespace. Check out squarespace.com dalb for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code DOLB to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.comdawb for free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code DOLLOP to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. We're also brought to you by Helix.

[B]

Oh, buddy.

[A]

Helix. Sleep, Gareth. You know, maybe it's time to change things up. Maybe it's time to bring a little something new and exciting into your life. Do you want to sleep better? Do you want to feel better in the morning?

[B]

Talking about a third.

[A]

Gareth and I are thinking about a third.

[B]

And that third is a mattress.

[A]

A Helix mattress. Let's. Let's spice up this relationship. You know what I mean?

[B]

It's so good, you're gonna think you've brought in a third. They didn't want us to say that, but we both have the same bed. We have the California ducks. Lux, we went online, we took a quiz, get the bed, came in a thing, you opened it up, box. It did not scream.

[A]

It screamed.

[B]

It did not scream. And it just kind of unfurls itself a lot of liquid itself.

[A]

There's no app liquids all over the wall. No tell I'm thinking about a birth.

[B]

Tell the people there's no liquid when you order a Helix.

[A]

There's no liquids that come out of this but there are screams and they are awesome. So we both have. I sleep better. I used to get hot and have my back hurt a little bit but now that's all gone. I just sleep like a baby. The most awarded mattress, brand tested, reviewed by experts. You get free shipping, very easy delivery. They got the helix guarantee guaranty offers a risk free customer first experience designed to ensure you're completely satisfied with your new mattress. 120 night sleep trial with a limited lifetime warranty. So go to helixsleep.com dollop for 27% off state wide. That's helixsleep.com dollar for 27 off statewide. Make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you helixsleep.com yeah, yeah. And Gareth, we are brought to you by him's sexual health situation. Very common, Ed, very common. And it's important to get on top of that. Look, we're not going to be able to help you fix a folded sheet. That's too hard. But we can help you with the E.D.

[B]

speaking of hard.

[A]

So what we're saying is take control of it, don't let it fester, jump on it. It's totally something you can deal with. Now they got personalized treatments made with doctor trusted ingredients prescribed by licensed providers. 100% online. You don't have to go to some office, do it all online. Comes in a little discreet packaging. All good.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And look, ED doesn't mean it's all over for you. Your love life is, is done.

[B]

It just, it just means what a comeback it's going to be.

[A]

I wouldn't use that word. It just means it's getting started with personalized treatment options to help you take back control. Thanks to these daily meds we're talking about. You shouldn't have to go out of your way to feel like yourself. You just shouldn't. Himss brings you care straight to you. That's the important thing, I think.

[B]

Well, you don't have the waiting room thing where someone's just like Dave Anthony, it's about your.

[A]

Yeah, totally different thing. I have a fetish where I just go to waiting rooms and do that.

[B]

It's crazy.

[A]

I don't actually go into the doctor, I just do the waiting room thing. So look to get simple online access to personalized affordable care for ED weight loss and more, visit hims.fordup that's hims.com dalup for your free visit online. Himss.com dollop featured products include compounded drug products which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety to effectiveness or quality. Prescription required. See website for details, restrictions and important safety information. Actual price will depend on product and subscription plan. Yeti never stayed long, and once he was out, he went back to Miami with his mom. So he had the system beat as far as. Like, I'm.

[B]

Seems like the system was a little faulty.

[A]

And next, Garrett got a job as an assistant personal trainer of the Molino Hardware chain of stores and was actually a very good employee.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And he worked his way up to a top management position in no time because of his work ethic and his competency. He's a bright young man. But then they discovered the truth about his past and swiftly kicked him out. Right.

[B]

The one kidney.

[A]

Good quote. This time, however, he took vengeance, handing over the extensive list of Molino's employees to the Teamsters Union to assist in their organized drive. He also gave the company's hiring code, its form showing a race and religion to the Miami News Press to expose the discriminatory hiring practices against blacks and Jews.

[B]

What is the. What was the form? The form was what?

[A]

Like, which form? The.

[B]

What do you mean? They. They just. Oh, basically just their.

[A]

No, the farm. Meaning, like.

[B]

Right, the practice.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Right.

[A]

As a result, the Molino Company.

[B]

Afraid you're just too much of a Jew.

[A]

As a result, the Molino Company was unionized and members of minority groups secretly hired. Okay, so that's good.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Although just done for vengeance purposes. Not for.

[B]

Well, listen, I think that's pretty much where America's maxed out. Anyway, America has decided nothing. Well, yeah, nothing. Yeah.

[A]

He gets married again.

[B]

All right.

[A]

As a kid.

[B]

Good.

[A]

But he can't. He just can't. I just can't do the domestic. He can't stay.

[B]

What does he want? I. I feel like he doesn't. I mean, he wanted to be in the military.

[A]

Searching.

[B]

Yeah, still searching. It's tough.

[A]

Yeah. It's hard to find that thing. He moved around Miami, la, and then he ends up in Chesapeake Bay in Maryland. And there he stole a boat.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And sailed it to Boston for seemingly no reason at all.

[B]

I get it.

[A]

I get it, too.

[B]

Just go. Something to do. He likes that. He wanted to be in the Navy.

[A]

Yeah. He gets put into mental institution, and within months he's back out.

[B]

So they don't ever think this is crime no part of them is ever like, he's a criminal. Do you think it's because he's in the system of having mental issues? So. Okay.

[A]

And also, if you.

[B]

Now, if you know why you took the boat. Because you have a mental problem. That's right, yeah.

[A]

How'd you know?

[B]

Well, we know you don't want to steal. I don't know. It's just a bunch of little voices in your heads telling you.

[A]

I hear all kinds of voices.

[B]

Yeah. That's tough. There you go.

[A]

That's the door.

[B]

Yeah. You should probably get going now that we've had our chat.

[A]

Bye. Bye.

[B]

See you real soon. Garrett.

[A]

I wonder if part of this is that if a couple of menstrual institutions have let you go and you. And then it goes to a new one. If that doctor's like, well, I can't let this guy go. I'm throwing the other guys under the bus, the other psychiatrists. Like, I wonder if there's some sort

[B]

of, like, code of.

[A]

Code of, like, that kind of thing.

[B]

Wait, what do you mean exactly?

[A]

There's a mental institution that let you go.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Another mentalian let you go. Third one's like, oh. Then he's like. I say if I hold on to

[B]

him, that makes them look bad.

[A]

Yeah. That makes the other guys look like they.

[B]

That is the dream scenario. We're gonna need you to be here for a while. I think it's gonna make your colleagues look like, all right, you should just get going. It's really troubled.

[A]

So now he decides that he really wants to have a family life and be a family man.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So he set up a home and a steady job in Houston. He called his wife to relocate. Relocate away from her family. Just moved to him. But she. She waffled. She's like. And that was due to all those times he had freaked out and ended up in a mental institution. Yeah. So you.

[B]

Well, women are fickle.

[A]

Yeah. Right?

[B]

I mean, they are.

[A]

How about you have my back? Yeah.

[B]

I mean, do you remember the ceremony?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Through sickness and health and.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Sickness.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So get over here. Leave your family. I've got some real weird plans. Giddy up.

[A]

Real weird.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So, fittingly, he instantly snapped on her and told her to off. And in that moment, he was done being a husband and a father. He tried, though, right? He'd given it the best.

[B]

Yeah. All of his effort, aside from just taking a boat to go to Boston.

[A]

Ah, it's not his fault, though, is it?

[B]

It seems like he really was trying.

[A]

Is that his Fault or is it somebody else's fault?

[B]

I would say that that is not his fault.

[A]

Right. That's right.

[B]

Anyone who's been to Chesapeake Bay, you know, you want to get out of there as fast as possible about the.

[A]

Out of it.

[B]

Boston's beautiful.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So now, like, that argument with your wife is so easy to lose. You took a boat. I know.

[A]

Okay. You keep picking up the boat.

[B]

Well, it was fucking crazy.

[A]

Oh, it was. One day.

[B]

It was crazy.

[A]

I. It was beautiful out. It was a great sale.

[B]

Oh, my God. Yes. I stole a boat, went to Boston. Christ.

[A]

So to deal with his motion, or, I don't know, not to deal with his motion, he went looking for trouble. And he purposely got caught speeding so he could see if it was possible to bribe a copy. Sometimes you just want to do, like, a sociological experiment.

[B]

Sociologist.

[A]

Yeah. He's trying to figure out what makes everybody tick. It's just he's a curious man.

[B]

It's a very. I mean, if you have. It's almost a superpower to be in the mental institution database. It's house money everywhere you go. I'm gonna shoot a cop and see what happens.

[A]

But wouldn't you like to know if you could bribe a cop? Like, isn't that sort of an interesting thing?

[B]

I know the answer. I'm quite confident

[A]

that's science.

[B]

I've never tried that. That would be a good one to try.

[A]

It's science. Sociological experiment. It turns out $20 got the job done. Wow. And then a light bulb flash in his head. Quote, this could be a glorious hustle. Quote. He had a rubber stamp made to print his own traffic tickets. He bought illuminated gold tape, which he would use to letter state police on his car. He added to this a yellow star, a phony rear antenna.

[B]

Here we go. Oh, dear.

[A]

A 4.49 red searchlight plugged into the cigarette lighter in the dashboard. And he dressed himself in a Sam brown belt, a 1.98 sheriff's badge, 98 cent toy pistol, gray straw hat from the drugstore, workman's tan twill, slacks and shirt. Wow.

[B]

So he's a highway patrolman.

[A]

At night, he would drive west on Route 66, which is the main highway through New Mexico. And he park off the road, put his gear in order, dress up his car with the. All the stuff we just talked about. Make it look exactly like a sheriff's car.

[B]

A siren.

[A]

We had the.

[B]

The spotlight, basically.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

By the way, that's a hard thing to communicate, though.

[A]

It is.

[B]

See? What is he doing?

[A]

I Think it's the. Yeah, well, it's a red searchlight, so maybe it is on, but he's just probably there, like. Oh, you know what this is? When you could probably put it. This is the dashboard thing. Remember the dashboard sirens? No. So if. If there was like a. An undercover, like, car, they had, like, a little siren that they would put on the dash.

[B]

Not the.

[A]

Think that they could put it on top.

[B]

That's the guy you're talking about.

[A]

But it's like, with your hand, you just.

[B]

Yeah, right.

[A]

Put it.

[B]

Yeah, I always like the look of those.

[A]

Yeah. So it's probably what he had. Okay. Something like that. So at night, he's driving through New Mexico. He park off the road, he put his gear in order, dress up the car, and it looks like a sheriff's car. And then he suited himself up as a highway patrolman and he's. He's ready. He's ready for a night's work. He target cars that had out of state plates and would put on a fake Southern accent. Alrighty, partner.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Then let's see a license.

[B]

You need a wild pony.

[A]

I have no idea what that had yet.

[B]

Why. And where are y' all from? Where y' all from?

[A]

Absolutely none of this is what you're supposed to.

[B]

Where are you from?

[A]

Well, where are you from?

[B]

Right here in this place. Now, where did you go from Mexico? Yeah, that's right.

[A]

That's not. What's the accent you're doing, y', all,

[B]

or you're out of here from it. Yeah, y' all were. Y' all got a place?

[A]

What do you.

[B]

Yo, y' all from the East?

[A]

Where are you from?

[B]

Big city folk. You're coming to my little town. And to think of yourself. Yeah, I'm a bat. I'm about to get a beer, but I'm where we're gonna use.

[A]

Where are you from exactly?

[B]

Man, you is scooting faster than a raccoon with nail diarrhea.

[A]

So which state are you from?

[B]

Right. Right here, right?

[A]

Mexico.

[B]

Well, I don't see an old Mexico R here.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Man, you was flying fast.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Why you going so fast?

[A]

I don't know. Here, $20. Okay. All right, bye.

[B]

Well, hold on.

[A]

Can you tell me where state you're from?

[B]

I'm from here In a minute. I'm here from New Mexico.

[A]

The a. The accent from a New Mexico. The accent is not New Mexican.

[B]

He's gone real quick. What you going real quick.

[A]

Another 20.

[B]

He's going faster than a rat looking for a cheese trail near The.

[A]

Where the are you from here? Okay.

[B]

Yeah. You skid faster than an astronaut with a moon boot.

[A]

What the.

[B]

Yeah, it's pretty crazy, y'.

[A]

All. Dude, that's not very fast.

[B]

You. You going about 70

[A]

bad. So.

[B]

But why would he do a Southern accent? Because he thought he didn't know what New Mexico said.

[A]

I don't know why he did a southern accent. Okay, so he offered the driver as a choice, a court date or a one time $20 fee. Now that actually is what they did in Montana for a long time.

[B]

Montana was a kid.

[A]

You would just pay the. The cop right there. Let's go.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, it's not great, obviously, but. And the.

[A]

So everybody pays. They just hand him cash? Yep. He worked from midnight to 3am he was pulling in over 10 to 15,000 bucks a week in today's money.

[B]

Oh, my God. That's amazing.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, what a grift.

[B]

Yeah, y' all to go and buy big. Big. You guys going? Y' all's going. Y' all shooting more fights tied than a sick boy into the chili competition.

[A]

He was selective about the cars he pulled over and never picking on a working class family in a second rate car or a black guy or person or lady. But then it started to crumble when a doctor. He pulled over, got popped just a half hour later by a real New Mexico patrolman. And when the guy protested that he'd just been stopped, the real cop was shocked because he was the only cop on that stretch of the highway.

[B]

You'd know this guy. He had a very strange Southern accent.

[A]

What it sound like?

[B]

Well, he just kept.

[A]

He.

[B]

So he was talking about. First of all, I wasn't speeding. I didn't think. But when he pulled me over, he said something to the effect y'. All. Y' all was sprinting faster than a last place dog at a greyhound event.

[A]

Okay. I mean, I think I've heard enough, so I don't really want to hear.

[B]

So that. Talk to your partner.

[A]

Yeah, no, I'll get right on that.

[B]

Where's your accent, by the way?

[A]

Right here. Like none of your business. I'm from here. I don't have an accent. We don't have accents here. Y' all want to understand that? Like when I.

[B]

Well, Alaska had a very thick. Okay, well, I didn't care. I cared. He was. Okay, so I want to talk to your.

[A]

No, I don't have one. So the incident was reported in the newspaper. And then Garrett sees that, but he does. He doesn't stop.

[B]

What the. Go to A different money.

[A]

Go to a different state.

[B]

Real money, go to a different state. Go to a Southern state.

[A]

Of course not. What makes it more exciting Also, like, you're like, yeah, this is. He's living on the edge, Gareth.

[B]

You know what?

[A]

Living on the edge is a dangerous,

[B]

scary, not a good idea.

[A]

So he keeps doing it for another month, playing cat mass with the troopers, until finally he woke up one night with a flashlight in his face and a battalion of cops surrounding the car. The arresting officer glee, gleely, gleefully beat the living shit out of him. Of course they did. Yeah. Yeah, you're going to get beaten up if you do that.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

And then they threw him in jail. He got six months.

[B]

No, I don't. I'm not a jail. I don't. Have you guys done the background thing?

[A]

If you put me. Put me through those bars and see

[B]

what happens, you're gonna make a lot of doctors look bad if you do this.

[A]

So after six months, Garrett headed back to Houston, where he passed enough bad checks to accumulate the equivalent of $150,000 in 2025 money. Nice. Then again, for basically no discernible reason, he bought a bunch of guns and put them in a car and took off, this time to Montreal.

[B]

Oh, good, good. Headed for the border.

[A]

But he was almost immediately caught speeding and had his arsenal raided. So he ends up in a Canadian prison.

[B]

But they're way better. So go when you want, come back when you're done. Right. We trust.

[A]

You know the. Again, he didn't let the conditions. Jail, so he chose to go to the mental. The mental.

[B]

I don't think that's how that works, but crazy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, all right. Have a good day.

[A]

I don't like hockey.

[B]

Where did I sell nine Go? He took off. He was.

[A]

He was saying he didn't like hockey, so we were like, this guy's nuts.

[B]

So he left.

[A]

The problem was he didn't want to slash his wrists again, so instead, he shaved off the handle of a spoon and swallowed it whole. That got him into the.

[B]

So, yeah, we're. Now that you're. We saw your poop, you can go. He shaved off the handle of a spoon and ate it.

[A]

Yeah. And then they're like, well, this guy's out of his tree. It works.

[B]

It sure does.

[A]

Turned out to be a great idea, because there he met a gorgeous nurse, and they fell in love. Wow.

[B]

That is.

[A]

Once he was released, he was deported back.

[B]

So, you know the guy who ate the spoon?

[A]

Yeah, I kind of like. I know, right? He's so cute. Oh, my God. Plus, if you can fit a spoon in your mouth, like.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

All the way down your throat.

[B]

Oh, yeah. There's a lot of advantages to that.

[A]

It's very. A lot.

[B]

I can't think of one downside.

[A]

No, I can't either.

[B]

He could probably eat my whole.

[A]

Yeah. What. What are the other advantages of. Of. Of that. Of.

[B]

Well, you're the one who said that you really liked it, so why don't you walk?

[A]

Well, I could put a live snake down.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right.

[B]

I'm going to go to the other side of the room.

[A]

Okay. I'm gonna walk with you.

[B]

Good. That's what I was initiating.

[A]

Can I call you Spoon?

[B]

Yes. All right. Go back to the other side.

[A]

So they release him. They deport him back to the US but he. He can't stand being away from his new love, the nurse. There was only one way he knew for sure to get back across the Canadian border.

[B]

Dig.

[A]

Stolen valor. Oh. He bought an army uniform, complete with medals, put it on, and marched to his beloved. And it worked.

[B]

So he just went to the border,

[A]

put on a Canadian. Hello.

[B]

I'm Sergeant McReal.

[A]

I am a monkey.

[B]

Oh. So he played. He pretended he was a Canadian hero. Okay.

[A]

Yeah. And it works. He gets. They get married. She knew his criminal past, but didn't care because she loved him and knew that he had a good heart in there.

[B]

I'm gonna.

[A]

Very good heart.

[B]

I'm gonna.

[A]

So they head.

[B]

I'm flagging it.

[A]

So then now they head to Houston, the two of them. So there's only one problem. Her father finds out, and he sent the Mounties after Garrett, who tipped off the Houston cops, which led to the worst case scenario. And Garrett ended up in a horror show that is a Texas prison. So it didn't work out. The Texas prison in particular, just absolute hell. Especially. Especially the captain there, who was a totally. A monster. So Garrett has to figure out how to get out. So he fakes insanity, making people believe that he thought he was a Pentagon operator. But, man, it.

[B]

Can you imagine a time when, like, the prison system actually had some level of empathy towards your mental status? Now they're like, shut the up.

[A]

But these are guys. These guys like, this are why it's. That stopped. That's one of the reasons. Also, there's a lot of others, but

[B]

also they were just like, people leaving hurts the business.

[A]

But this doesn't help.

[B]

No.

[A]

So there's a big trial, and the state pulls out all the stops to try to prove, you know, he's sane. But Garrett was able to expertly string along the court psychologists who proved to the jury that he was, indeed insane. At the end of the trial, he, in a moment of, like, carefully disguised clarity, listed a detailed account of the captain's abuses, murders of inmates that have been covered up, and other heinous crimes. And the captain got fired.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

So Garrett gets transferred to a mental hospital. But this one's not good. So this. It's Texas. This one's, like, right out of the one Flu of the Cuckoo's Nest. It's not a fun place to be. And like his former prison captain, his real life Nurse Ratched had also just covered up a murder.

[B]

Christ.

[A]

So in the institution, he met a very large, oafish guy named George Padilla.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, like Chief. Even though George was bigger than everyone, he was constantly getting bullied and never fought back. So Garrett hated to see this, like, innocent boob guy get pushed around. So he stepped in and stopped anyone from fucking with him. And he taught him all the tricks that he used to trick shrinks into thinking he was crazy. And he also taught George how to stand up for himself. Because Garrett wasn't always gonna be there. Right. And Garrett felt he had no choice. And he makes his escape, which was basically a three. A climb down a three story drop and then landing on a tree. But it didn't work. Oh.

[B]

What?

[A]

What do you mean? I don't know. It sounds like. Yeah, it sounds like a great plan.

[B]

Yeah, it does to me.

[A]

Yeah. Well, because you're falling. Yeah.

[B]

Well, it's all. You're out.

[A]

Yeah. But then you're laying on the ground going, yeah, okay. So it ends up in another mental institution where they took him away from that one, put him in another one.

[B]

Yeah, well, legally, you can't come back in.

[A]

Where he bribes a janitor to make him a key. He also lets out 16 other inmates, then picked up $25,000 in fake checks, bought a nice suit, rented a T bird, and drove to Los Angeles.

[B]

What about the woman? The nurse?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That was the love of his life.

[A]

She's out.

[B]

Wait.

[A]

They come and they go, buddy. That is the end of part one. Part two gets crazy.

[B]

I seriously forgot this was two. Holy. What's his name? Garrett.

[A]

Garrett Trapnel.

[B]

Garrett Trapnel.

[A]

Yeah. Research by Josh Androwski sources. The main one, the fox, is crazy, too. The true story of Garrett Trapnel. Adventurer, skyjacker. Oops. Bank robber, Con man, lover. By Elliot Asinoff, Fort Lauderdale News, New York Times, Associated Press.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Wow. Everybody loses not Garrett.

[B]

Hey, what's up, doll heads? This is Gareth Reynolds from the Doll up, the podcast you're listening to. Hey, I've got some very exciting information. If you like movies and you're in the San Jose area, I made a movie. It's called Give it up and it will be at the Cinequest Film Festival. You can go to GiveItUpFilm.com for tickets and information. It'll be March 15th is the main screening, so go to GiveItUpFilm.Com also if you like stand up comedy February 4th I'll be in Spokane February 5th, Bend, Oregon. Then I'll be in Portland February 6th and February 7th, three shows that night. Then I'll be at flappers in Burbank February 21 Bakersfield, February 27 for two shows. I will be in Albuquerque, New Mexico, April 19 Tulsa, Oklahoma, April 21 Bricktown comedy in Oklahoma City April 22 Dallas, Texas April 23 Tyler, Texas April 24 Finally, Houston, April 25 two shows, Austin at the Great Cap City April 26 and then San Antonio April 28 and Tucson April 29. Garethreynolds.com for tickets and information. But also if you want to go see my movie and you're the San Jose area. GiveItUpFilm.com.