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Gareth Reynolds
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Dave Anthony
my father's dead. You killed him.
Gareth Reynolds
They think that I'm shiny.
Dave Anthony
I am a pie man.
Gareth Reynolds
I'm Pete Rose and I only go to Gold's Gym. This one specifically.
Dave Anthony
Rumor is that his penis is broken.
Gareth Reynolds
And show him where the taco bar was.
Dave Anthony
His brain just fucking exploded.
Gareth Reynolds
River of cheese. You been drinking any gnome juice now, officer?
Dave Anthony
My dad had a fart chair.
Gareth Reynolds
Hey, cover me.
Dave Anthony
You're listening to the Dollop on the All Things Comedy Night Network. This is an American history podcast where each week I. Black shirt wear man with Superman like glasses. Lover of many dogs. Dave Anthony reads a story from American history to a booby.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah. Who doesn't lay with dogs. Gareth Reynolds, who has no idea what the topic is going to be about.
Dave Anthony
I'm a lover of dogs. I don't lay with dogs.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah. It's pretty creepy to be like, oh, love. I'm a lover of dogs.
Dave Anthony
Although.
Gareth Reynolds
What a weird way to confess what you do. Although I watch kennels and ASPCA and the Humane Society. Be aware of people like this. He let it slip last night.
Dave Anthony
Pablo slept between my legs.
Gareth Reynolds
Pablo's his gardener.
Dave Anthony
Tell you what, man. You get a dog sleeping snuggling up right there. It's pretty good.
Gareth Reynolds
I'll tell you one thing. My cat sleeps with me pretty much every night, and he takes up half the bed by the time I wake up. I go, this is crazy.
Dave Anthony
Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
And he's just like. He's. Go ahead, be an. What?
Dave Anthony
No. You have weird, weird issues.
Gareth Reynolds
I. He nudges me over all night somehow.
Dave Anthony
What. What you're saying is insane.
Gareth Reynolds
It is not.
Dave Anthony
You are. This is fucking.
Gareth Reynolds
This is great. So, hey, sound off in the comments. Do you think what I'm saying is crazy or is what Dave saying is crazy? So let us know in the comments.
Dave Anthony
You weigh 180 pounds. More.
Gareth Reynolds
How much do you think I weigh?
Dave Anthony
Like 180 pounds.
Gareth Reynolds
First of all no. And second of all, no. Your estimate, you just basically said I weigh 193 pounds.
Dave Anthony
There's no way that cat's down to 13.
Gareth Reynolds
That cat is 13
Dave Anthony
found a lie.
Gareth Reynolds
And there's this stuff. There's like I. It might be my algorithm, but in Japan, they're getting close to a life extending.
Dave Anthony
That's a lie. We looked into it. It's a lie.
Gareth Reynolds
Vaccine.
Dave Anthony
I was going to send it to you, but it's not true.
Gareth Reynolds
I choose to believe.
Dave Anthony
Yeah, go ahead. 1861 Civil War is kicked off. Our anti abolitionist bad boy, Silas Soul is joined up with the Confederates, the Union. And soon they are marching. They're making great time going down to Mexico. But unfortunately for them, the Confederates, what are they doing? They're. They're. Because the Confederates are. Were heading west from Texas. Right. So they're going up and they're just
Gareth Reynolds
taking over everywhere to be like, you will have slaves.
Dave Anthony
Well, they were really big on. Yeah, basically. I mean, they're trying to take over the country, but they were.
Gareth Reynolds
Was that the plan? They were just like, we will force you into having slaves.
Dave Anthony
Yeah. I mean, they wanted slaves everywhere. Yeah. And they were.
Gareth Reynolds
It seems like a really weird plan anyway because it'll work. Aren't you trying to. Huh?
Dave Anthony
Yeah, it's.
Gareth Reynolds
It's like you're trying to admit. You're trying to say to people you will.
Dave Anthony
No, no. They're not making people.
Gareth Reynolds
They're just making it. Legal.
Dave Anthony
Yeah. Legal. Yeah. But remember like part. Like the lower part of Arizona. I'm not sure if the lower part of New Mexico, but that was a slave state like they took over.
Gareth Reynolds
Right.
Dave Anthony
A portion that was part of the Confederacy anyway. Just all good stuff.
Gareth Reynolds
Good thing we left it to fester.
Dave Anthony
Did we win that?
Gareth Reynolds
We did.
Dave Anthony
Debatable.
Gareth Reynolds
Well, we won. And then we were like, you did some stuff. We did some stuff. Let's move back in together.
Dave Anthony
Okay. So they are heading down.
Gareth Reynolds
Where am I?
Dave Anthony
Okay, so they're heading down to New Mexico with his troops. But unfortunately for them, the Confederates had bested Silas Union counterparts and they'd taken over Santa Fe. So Silas's unit marched south until they found the abandoned Fort Union where they were supposed to rendezvous with other troops.
Gareth Reynolds
Okay.
Dave Anthony
The harsh March weather sent a freezing wind that chilled them to the bone so bad that it killed horses and mules.
Gareth Reynolds
This. This makes me. All I'm seeing is climate change. I know.
Dave Anthony
Because you're thinking that never would happen anymore. Give us. Give us back the cold that kills horses.
Gareth Reynolds
Honestly, please send the cold. Where was this? This was like West Coast.
Dave Anthony
Yeah. No, this is. No, this is. Yeah, Westish. The what we consider the west har.
Gareth Reynolds
Winter. Now you can fry an egg on the streets of Arizona in February.
Dave Anthony
Despite the fact that there was a big empty fort that could comfortably fit 500 men, the colonel bragged that his men could handle any hardship and made them sleep outside.
Gareth Reynolds
What a what. What? In the bill parcels. Dick. Hello. I'll show you all.
Dave Anthony
You're gonna be tough until you're dead.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah. Not how it works.
Dave Anthony
The man responded by breaking into the fort and getting drunk.
Gareth Reynolds
Good.
Dave Anthony
Now, okay, this. These guys. I understand.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah.
Dave Anthony
These are my people.
Gareth Reynolds
That's what you do.
Dave Anthony
One inebriated lieutenant shot another man and was quickly executed. Things were starting to unravel.
Gareth Reynolds
Hey, this party's vibe got pretty weird. Imagine if at a party, a guy shot a guy and then other people killed that guy. You had a function. It was a pretty good party until Troy shot Tom. And then everybody just killed Troy.
Dave Anthony
Can we not kill each other?
Gareth Reynolds
Well, everybody put the music back on. Troy's dead. We killed Troy. Whoopsie in the parking lot.
Dave Anthony
How can he shut down the fighting parson? Okay, so the fighting person, right.
Gareth Reynolds
Was the preacher who laid down the guns because he was speaking anti slavery stuff. And the Southerners basically, like, he does that again, I think.
Dave Anthony
No, I think the. I think the anti. Anti. The. The abolitionists were the ones who called them that. Like.
Gareth Reynolds
Right, right. Yeah, but the. The pro slavery contingent didn't like him.
Dave Anthony
They did not like him at all. But he's a badass.
Gareth Reynolds
I'm picturing Vinnie Jones. I choose to picture Vinnie Jones.
Dave Anthony
Clint Eastwood from. Well, now he's kind of rapey.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah. Clint Eastwood would be like, I think we probably should have people working for us for no money.
Dave Anthony
I'm thinking about his characters in the movies.
Gareth Reynolds
Not Clint, but Gran Torino. I picture Vinnie Jones. Or he's like. That's right. You got a problem with me? We're not gonna have any slaves. No ownership. Got an issue. Take it up with me. The vicar.
Dave Anthony
Yeah, that's better.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, that's right. Let's go. Because I just remembered that Clint Eastwood's a racist.
Dave Anthony
No, he played a confederate in a movie.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, he was. He's all. Yeah, he also. At the rn, talk to the Obama chair.
Dave Anthony
I mean, that's. That's the best way to end your career.
Gareth Reynolds
That is like, how to Come out with Alzheimer's by Clint Eastwood. Oh, really? That's what you think? Obama?
Dave Anthony
Okay, so the Fighting parson had taken control of a company of troops and marched them to the Confederates unprotected. Unprotected rear.
Gareth Reynolds
Follow me to the unprotected rear.
Dave Anthony
They did this by climbing a massive mesa to get around the enemy line. And there they saw something they did not expect. The entire Confederate supply train. Rain.
Gareth Reynolds
Oh, yeah.
Dave Anthony
So there's just one problem. Mesas famously have very steep cliffs. Often.
Gareth Reynolds
I don't know what a mesa is.
Dave Anthony
Sheer, like a butte.
Gareth Reynolds
You're doing that thing, you know, where you're just tossing out other things.
Dave Anthony
Okay, how do I describe it? It looks like one. It. So think Arizona. And it's like. It's like one of those things that looks like a mountain, but it's been sheared off on top.
Gareth Reynolds
Oh, yeah. A headless mountain.
Dave Anthony
Okay. So it's got cliff sides, sheer drops on all sides. So the men threw themselves down the cliffsides, barrel rolling and tumbling like a rag doll to their positions, and somehow no one was seriously injured.
Gareth Reynolds
Must have been fun.
Dave Anthony
At the same time, the colonel in charge of the entire Union force, the same one that made them sleep outside of the freezing weather. He's not doing great.
Gareth Reynolds
Good.
Dave Anthony
His hesitation and poor communication led to several lost battles that should have been won. And Silen list, for his part, was holding up amazingly. He and his other Pikes Peak sons of bitches, as they were called by their Texas opponents.
Gareth Reynolds
Good.
Dave Anthony
It's a good name. Yeah, you want that?
Gareth Reynolds
You want your opponent to be like. We give you respectful nicknames.
Dave Anthony
Yeah, you sons of.
Gareth Reynolds
You've won us over.
Dave Anthony
And they were doing a splendid job of protecting the unionists valuable artillery. But the cowardly colonel got cold feet and ordered the men to retreat. Okay, now. Abandoned by the rest of the guys, the fighting parson had his men burned down every single supply they couldn't carry. And several of the men bayoneted horses and mules, which might have been normal back then, but kind of sucks.
Gareth Reynolds
Doesn't age great. And we killed a bunch of their horses. What a. Have you done that? They were racist too, right? No, no, no, they were all right. They're horses. They don't know who's on their back. Sorry, preacher.
Dave Anthony
I just can't imagine bayoneting a crazy.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, you can change a mule's mind.
Dave Anthony
Oh, yeah, and mules are super. Like, they love people so much now.
Gareth Reynolds
He didn't. He did.
Dave Anthony
He was going.
Gareth Reynolds
Oh, easy does it. Easy does it.
Dave Anthony
The fighting parson wanted to stay on and kill every single rebel he could lay his eyes on.
Gareth Reynolds
I'm not leaving till every one of these is every. I'm gonna kill all of them. You understand me? I'm done with them.
Dave Anthony
The other men were sort of freaked out by how violent and ruthless this Methodist preacher had become.
Gareth Reynolds
Aren't you a preacher?
Dave Anthony
Not anymore.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, I am.
Dave Anthony
Hell, cut your head off.
Gareth Reynolds
There we are. You know what? I know I will get back. I'm gonna cut every throat, make a river of blood and sail down it as that sound.
Dave Anthony
But cooler heads prevailed and they all went back to the fort. Now the colonel is forced to resign his position because the bill parcels colonel
Gareth Reynolds
and wanted them all outside.
Dave Anthony
Yeah, he's a scaredy cat. And the fighting parson was elevated to the top spot. Silas rose up the ranks.
Gareth Reynolds
All right, let's go inside. Except for you. You sleep outside, tough guy. You got cold feet. Let that spread.
Dave Anthony
And Silas rose up the ranks to temporary commander of two different companies. He was, quote, showing his potential in catching the eye of his superiors. As 1863 began, so did Silas's ascent through the ranks where he launched himself to the job of assistant adjudicator Adjutant general to the district commander. His job consisted of basically two things. Record keeping and making sure people did what the commander told them to do.
Gareth Reynolds
Okay.
Dave Anthony
And not great.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, kind of mid.
Dave Anthony
Yeah, kind of whatever. But their enemy had changed now that they'd driven the Confederate back south. The Civil War had left Colorado. And there was only one enemy for a 19th century setter settler colonial army. To go up against native Americans. You gotta kill somebody.
Gareth Reynolds
But it's so weird.
Dave Anthony
No, you got.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah. All right.
Dave Anthony
It's. It's very.
Gareth Reynolds
How do you get there?
Dave Anthony
It's very. Well, what? Take. Take. Like, how do you get there? So take. We were just talking about Tucker Carlson earlier. Tucker Carlson.
Gareth Reynolds
And it was all positive.
Dave Anthony
Tucker Carlson. Right. Is saying how bad it is that you killed the. The people of Gaza. Right. The Palestinians and were Christians. But at the same time, what's his opinion of any Mexican who's here in America? Sure, same thing.
Gareth Reynolds
The difference is I was starting to respect Silas.
Dave Anthony
Now, I don't know if that's his belief, but that's the army's belief.
Gareth Reynolds
Okay.
Dave Anthony
Right. So during a triumphant march through Denver, Silas became acquainted with Denver's first or real printing magnate, William Byers, who's editor of the Rocky Mountain News. I think we had an episode on. Anyway, on January 22, Byers noted in the paper that he had the, quote, pleasure of meeting Lt. Soul, formerly of Clear Creek. And Silas Pradeep played a practical Joke on him. He anonymously reported that a Colorado company of men had gotten into a skirmish with Confederates in Missouri, which led to eight deaths and the rest of the men being captured. Somehow, word got back to. Back to buyers that it was Silas playing an April Fool's joke. What a hilarious, hilarious prank. I made up a battle with men.
Gareth Reynolds
It's like when you read an old joke and you're like, I don't understand it. Like pranks back then. Oh, say, William, I've come as soon as I heard. Your wife, Kathleen has been killed. And both of your boys, they're dead. They're all dead. They're gone. Oh, I'm so sorry.
Dave Anthony
Oh, my God.
Gareth Reynolds
Here's this artist's rendering of the bodies.
Dave Anthony
What?
Gareth Reynolds
And you can see this.
Dave Anthony
It says, april Fools.
Gareth Reynolds
I've had some fun with you.
Dave Anthony
Oh, my God. You son of a. I thought my wife was dead.
Gareth Reynolds
Yes, yes, yes. Are you.
Dave Anthony
Prankster. Always with the price. I remember the time you told me my baby d.
Gareth Reynolds
But your boys are dead.
Dave Anthony
It's. What?
Gareth Reynolds
Your wife remains. Okay.
Dave Anthony
What the. Is that another one?
Gareth Reynolds
No, no, no. They were killed. No.
Dave Anthony
They were killed.
Gareth Reynolds
No. I killed them both.
Dave Anthony
No, I don't believe you.
Gareth Reynolds
But Kathleen is. All right.
Dave Anthony
Okay.
Gareth Reynolds
More fun with you. Your wife was also killed. The April Fool's joke was when you said it was an April Fool's joke, which it wasn't. Everyone that you love in your immediate family has perished. I'm so sorry this has to be so hard. And the way that I've let this play out in retrospect is terrible. I just really could have come here and. And when you said it in April Fools, I should have said, it isn't. This is real. But I just wanted to give you a moment of joy. And it happened to fall on April 1, so there was a. A perfect out. But everyone in your family is dead, and your wife was indeed with child. So they're all gone.
Dave Anthony
I don't.
Gareth Reynolds
So everyone's gone.
Dave Anthony
I don't like you.
Gareth Reynolds
Now, that's an April Fool's joke. What? That you don't like me.
Dave Anthony
Wait, are they.
Gareth Reynolds
They're dead enough. Trying to poke holes in that. Everyone you love's gone.
Dave Anthony
Well, you are quite the prankster. Let it be known.
Gareth Reynolds
What's up? Later. Drinks?
Dave Anthony
No, I don't think so.
Gareth Reynolds
All right.
Dave Anthony
I might cut your head off. No, that's not a prank. Nope. That will be your final prank to have your head off your body. No.
Gareth Reynolds
No. Gosh, what a holiday.
Dave Anthony
So he gets Myers, gets word that it was Silas Pr. Playing an April fool's joke on him and taking any good spirits. He read about the trickster in the paper. Quote, we know him, dear soul, to be a man of unsuspected and straightforwardness in word. Indeed. And socially. To be as innocent as a lamb and as susceptible as a schoolgirl. Buyers continue finishing with.
Gareth Reynolds
Honey, the paper's really bad today.
Dave Anthony
It's getting really weird.
Gareth Reynolds
Paper is super not good.
Dave Anthony
Quote, we know whom we mean. His hair is seldom is barely auburn. This may have been Colorado's first recorded ginger joke, of which there should be many more.
Gareth Reynolds
But I'm identifying with this guy.
Dave Anthony
Man I saw there. Apparently every year the Irish have a gathering of the redheads. Yeah, it's really interesting.
Gareth Reynolds
You're not supposed to know about that.
Dave Anthony
But that's the place where we do it. We get them all there. We draw them all in, and then
Gareth Reynolds
that's the place where we do what?
Dave Anthony
You know, it's time.
Gareth Reynolds
You're an idiot.
Dave Anthony
It's time to get rid of them. You know what I mean?
Gareth Reynolds
Why you talking about a ginger side?
Dave Anthony
Ginger side. It's time.
Gareth Reynolds
No.
Dave Anthony
Silas turned down an opportunity to show off his charisma as well. During a poker game, he ran out of chewing tobacco and bet the men he could scam a whole plug of it off the next walking passerby. Sure enough, a dirty man with a pack animal sauntered by, and Silas shot up after him, immediately launching into a delightful story. Silas had the man so hypnotized that the fellow gave up a huge wad of tobacco. Silas triumphantly marched back to the table, chawed mouth and collected his winnings.
Gareth Reynolds
See this? Look, I know that you don't like crowd work, but this is my. This is my time.
Dave Anthony
Oh, if this guy was alive.
Gareth Reynolds
This is my era.
Dave Anthony
Be a crowd work guy.
Gareth Reynolds
But this is. I should go back. I mean, I would just be. Did. It would be the best.
Dave Anthony
Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
God damn it. Said I'm stuck in this.
Dave Anthony
You couldn't handle the food.
Gareth Reynolds
What do you mean?
Dave Anthony
It's mostly just. You're mostly just a lot of days just with like, meat. Dried. Dried meat. Different kinds of meat.
Gareth Reynolds
Get used to it.
Dave Anthony
You'd be a diarying across the country.
Gareth Reynolds
But that's my next tour.
Dave Anthony
But. But the next April fool saw Silas getting his comic retribution from the Rocky Mountain News. Quote. On April Fool's Day, many persons were sold in various ways, but I leave. But I believe that the one with an e attached to his soul was victimized the most of any.
Gareth Reynolds
Huh?
Dave Anthony
So a bunch of people because they knew what he was. Now he's getting. Getting it back by everybody.
Gareth Reynolds
Getting what?
Dave Anthony
Everyone's April Fools.
Gareth Reynolds
Fools.
Dave Anthony
Oh, he's getting the fools. He's being the fooled.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah.
Dave Anthony
Payback says charisma wasn't going unnoticed by top brass. In 1863, he was promoted to recruiting officer for the District of Colorado. He threw himself into his work, often printing around with the first regimental band and singing patriotic songs with Augusta reserved for the most zealous of believer. Just.
Gareth Reynolds
Just awesome. Just what a job. Just walking around with a band, just riffing songs nobody wants to hear. What am I, Jimmy Fallon? Just shouting my songs at people with a band that I'm not deserving of.
Dave Anthony
He also wrote posters and plastered them around town.
Gareth Reynolds
Writing. I could write in posters. That's a tweet. Yeah, My little quips on thread.
Dave Anthony
Those are posters he's tweeting. Back in Kansas, border ruffians led by psychotic psychotic named Quantrell raided Lawrence and left a quote, swath of death and destruction as they went. Luckily, the Soul family were able to escape by bouncing the family's women on a hollow log and towing it out to the middle of a river where they just kind of waited it out.
Gareth Reynolds
What the.
Dave Anthony
I don't know what happened. Why didn't. Why wouldn't the border refuge?
Gareth Reynolds
You're the people who are just like helping with the undergr railroad.
Dave Anthony
I've got an idea.
Gareth Reynolds
We'll put the women on a log with nothing inside of it. They'll live there for months. Honey. But didn't you just do the underground railroad? Do you not have a better plan than just putting us out on a log in a river?
Dave Anthony
My legs are very pruned.
Gareth Reynolds
Yes, it will not be easy women, but this is the best way.
Dave Anthony
You'll eat fish and survive.
Gareth Reynolds
You'll live out there together. Your cycles will sink. It's the perfect plan. You can do your moon witchcraft as one. Well, at least the log will float. No, no, no. We'll be taking the wood out of it. Trust us. Oh, is this one of your April. It's not an April Fools.
Dave Anthony
This is real.
Gareth Reynolds
This is real life.
Dave Anthony
One sister was teaching at a school a few miles away and saw the smoke rising from the direction of Lawrence. She rushed home only to be confronted by a quote, body after body smoking ruin after smoking ruin, walking in disbelief. Carnage in all 100, 185 men and boys were killed. Me many charred by from the fires. And over 175 home and businesses were burnt. Down or otherwise demolished. Jesus Christ.
Gareth Reynolds
This is a real deal.
Dave Anthony
It's a real deal. The catastrophic news reached Denver, and Silas sprung into action. He immediately borrowed 50 bucks from a friend and sent it back home, hoping someone from his family was alive to receive it. He finally got word they were. They were all intact, even if their house and all their possessions weren't.
Gareth Reynolds
Wow.
Dave Anthony
He dove headfirst into his recruiting with a new vigor.
Gareth Reynolds
This is kind of like the Spencer Pratt story.
Dave Anthony
It is very much like the Spencer Pratt story.
Gareth Reynolds
Like a guy who's lost everything.
Dave Anthony
Everything and kind of not really. And then it has it all and then pretend, yeah, his dad's rich. Yeah. He dove head first into his recruiting with a renewed vigor, making it into the local paper for his good work. The Commonwealth gave him an attaboy for his fine new flag hanging out the window, telling the young men of Denver to, quote, go in, boys. Soul's all right. The paper went even further the next week, saying Silas was universally liked, which accounts for his success. A few months later, Silas dragged the band back down Broadway and per usual, couldn't help but lead them in song.
Gareth Reynolds
I'm gonna be honest with you. I'm an annoying guy. Obviously. I'm annoyed by this a little bit at this point. You know, he's got to be like, tapped out on tunes a little. You know what I mean? You can only do river cheese so many times.
Dave Anthony
That is true.
Gareth Reynolds
They're not all river of cheeses.
Dave Anthony
The newspapers reported the concert parade saying Silas's performance was afa. Very, very knowledgeable. He's got a knowledgeable fate. Au. And then another F A I T. Oh, a fault. A fault.
Gareth Reynolds
Okay.
Dave Anthony
Au faith. Maybe aufe.
Gareth Reynolds
I think that's positive.
Dave Anthony
It's got. It's French, obviously, so the tea isn't gonna be whatever. It's very knowledgeable.
Gareth Reynolds
Sure.
Dave Anthony
And a decided attraction of the evening. He also earned rave reviews for his patriotic speeches with one paper calling them soul stirring. Now that reminds me of you. So you're really. You're get going on your patriotic speeches or songs.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah.
Dave Anthony
It's incredible.
Gareth Reynolds
Oh, yeah. I'm a big grand old flag guy.
Dave Anthony
Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah. Absolutely.
Dave Anthony
Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
Huh.
Dave Anthony
Silas then took a recruiting trip to down to the picturesque San Luis Valley on the border of Colorado and New Mexico where Fort Garland stood. And there he signed up to 94 vets to enlist and even hatched a plan to rid the man of their rude and shitty commander, which actually worked.
Gareth Reynolds
Wow.
Dave Anthony
That's pretty good.
Gareth Reynolds
So what is. I'm just want. So I'M clear. What is he going for now? What is it? What's his. What is he doing?
Dave Anthony
He's the. He's like the. Well, he's definitely. He's a recruiter. So he's trying to get guys in for what? The Union Army.
Gareth Reynolds
Okay, but the Union army at this point, is this just now that we're going after Native Americans? Is that what it's really.
Dave Anthony
I mean, we're gonna have to do a little bit of that. But no, the. The main MO Is to go to
Gareth Reynolds
the Civil wars, right?
Dave Anthony
Yeah, it's on. So he's just trying to get guys to sign up and fight for the. The just cause. Right. He gets. He goes back to Denver and he's rewarded with a promotion to captain. Writing to his mom in maniac her quote. Don't you wish you were as contented as me? It's a weird thing, right?
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah. Super strange.
Dave Anthony
So really, it's kind of like a double. Like it.
Gareth Reynolds
I like. If I picture to the tune of don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me, then I can kind of hear it.
Dave Anthony
It.
Gareth Reynolds
How. What is it? What did he exactly write?
Dave Anthony
Don't you wish you were as contented?
Gareth Reynolds
She was as content as me, don't you? You know, then I can kind of see, don't you.
Dave Anthony
I'm not feeling that. That's. Don't do the hands. Yeah. He was now a bit of a local celebrity, with papers reporting on a trip he was taking with a friend to check in on his mining claims. The press asked if he was there for, quote, for the girls of the mines. Such a.
Gareth Reynolds
It's so funny to imagine the TMZ of that time. And it's all good. Hey, which holes are you excited to get into? Your miners ones or the ladies? Silas. Silas, Any thoughts now that you're walking towards your mind? Are you spending any time with some dames?
Dave Anthony
Once they. Once there, they were interviewed by the Blackhawk Daily Miner, where Silas joked of his new promotion that he'd raised the heart of anyone who still called him Lieutenant.
Gareth Reynolds
That was a striking reply. What a quip. Raising the har.
Dave Anthony
His friend and fellow army higher upper was asked if there was to be an impending Indian war. And he laughed it off, telling them it would never get to that point.
Gareth Reynolds
Well,
Dave Anthony
surely thereafter a whole mess of. Sue.
Gareth Reynolds
This country is just a thousand skeletons in a closet.
Dave Anthony
The whole mess. Sue were forced into the area after being expelled from Minnesota and joined the Cheyenne.
Gareth Reynolds
Shirley had a lot to do with that. He was the one who Uncovered all the sue crime.
Dave Anthony
Has there ever been a dumber one?
Gareth Reynolds
A dumber one?
Dave Anthony
Has there ever been.
Gareth Reynolds
Journalist.
Dave Anthony
Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
Whatever he is. Every time you watch Nick Shirley, you are like. You guys, you do yourselves no favors.
Dave Anthony
No favors.
Gareth Reynolds
Because you like, like we were saying, Tucker Carlson, Nick Fuentes. These are despicable figures.
Dave Anthony
Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
However, there is obviously some intelligence there.
Dave Anthony
Nick Shirley, he's the dumbest man ever.
Gareth Reynolds
He's just. He's like the dumbest person of all time.
Dave Anthony
Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
And you are going like, hey, he did another. He figured out another thing. Do you know that Payless has more shoes in the back? Nick Shirley uncovered it. Are you morons? He doesn't know what word. Like, he's just seeing what man. It's game over. When he's never heard the word benevolent and he tried to repeat it.
Dave Anthony
It's the benevolent.
Gareth Reynolds
What is beloved?
Dave Anthony
I mean, he is so dumb.
Gareth Reynolds
Nick Shirley uncovers more than 31 flavors at Baskin Robbins.
Dave Anthony
Like, I thought, who's the guy who shot people and then got off the protest in Minnesota? What's that kid's name?
Gareth Reynolds
Oh, wait, which one?
Dave Anthony
The. The right winger.
Gareth Reynolds
Oh, no, that was in Minnesota. That was written House.
Dave Anthony
Yeah, I thought written House was dumb. Oh, but Shirley's like Einstein. Yeah, he really does. Next to Shirley, Shirley is so.
Gareth Reynolds
It is the dumbest. It just. It's very possible he's the dumbest person with a driver's license in America.
Dave Anthony
It really is. Okay, so do you know that this
Gareth Reynolds
daycare shot at 4? What's going on in there? Nick Shirley figures it out.
Dave Anthony
Okay, so all these Native Americans are join up in the area. One white man married to a native reported that he overheard all five of the tribes make an alliance and plan to wage war on the whites. Well, yeah, I'm sorry.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, as a white. Damn. It would have been just great.
Dave Anthony
The government took this incredibly wild claim at face value and sent out warnings to their men on the western frontier at the same time.
Gareth Reynolds
Once again, the biggest victim in this country remains the white man. How dare they, Ma'. Am.
Dave Anthony
At the same time, cattle and other livestock are disappearing at a far more frequent weight. Frequent rate than before. Without checking it all, the farmers came to conclusion that it was the natives stealing all their.
Gareth Reynolds
Can you imagine a group of people taking our resources without our knowledge? Just showing up and removing things that are ours? Pillaging food sources.
Dave Anthony
All the while, rumors ran rampant that the Confederates were wooing the tribes over to their side, which. Partly true, true crazy. But the Cheyenne, the biggest tribe in the area, stayed Neutral. So the fighting parson had been promoted to colonel and was now in charge of the district.
Gareth Reynolds
Get ready.
Dave Anthony
Now. The man of God is so revolved by slavery that he put his own life in the line. Had this to say about the Cheyenne Quote. They are stealing large numbers of stock and refusing to give them up. And there is but one course left for us to pursue that is to make them behave or kill them. Which latter it now seems, we shall have to do.
Gareth Reynolds
Jesus Christ.
Dave Anthony
It's just like.
Gareth Reynolds
I mean, listen, we love burgers.
Dave Anthony
We do love.
Gareth Reynolds
We love. Don't around. That's.
Dave Anthony
It's.
Gareth Reynolds
How many people have died because of burgers?
Dave Anthony
But it's like you said earlier. It's like the, you know, the. The. The Tucker thing of like. Yeah, it's just like. No, guys, it's everybody. It's.
Gareth Reynolds
It's everybody. We.
Dave Anthony
We really selectively pick which group you want to. Yeah, yeah, we.
Gareth Reynolds
We. We really do. Fingers pointing back at ourselves.
Dave Anthony
Yeah, we really have a problem with this always.
Gareth Reynolds
I mean, it's just the. The lack of accountability. If. If it was done to us endlessly talk about it. If we did it. Come on. It wasn't me guy.
Dave Anthony
Another letter.
Gareth Reynolds
He like Mitch McConnell being like, well, what makes you think that I have anything to do with what my dad and grandpa did? Get over it.
Dave Anthony
Get over it. Another letter he wrote was a bit more brief. Quote. Kill the. Them
Gareth Reynolds
few words. Kill him.
Dave Anthony
Prank.
Gareth Reynolds
No, not a prank. No, not all. No, not a prank, mate.
Dave Anthony
The Pike's Peak Sons of torched two extremely well supplied villages, forcing dozens of women and children to flee in terror from the flames. They did it all for 19 cows.
Gareth Reynolds
Who. Who did?
Dave Anthony
The Pikes Peak Sons of.
Gareth Reynolds
Which is our Silas Soul group.
Dave Anthony
Yeah, that's his group.
Gareth Reynolds
So they did that. Why? Because they were.
Dave Anthony
They stole. 19 cows were stolen.
Gareth Reynolds
They're cows. It's all.
Dave Anthony
So they kill women.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah.
Dave Anthony
The fighting parson's right hand man found a Cheyenne named Spotted Horse and allegedly tortured him over an open flame until he coughed up the location of the rest of the tribe.
Gareth Reynolds
Jesus Christ.
Dave Anthony
After the Cheyenne burnt down a settlement for retaliation, things started to simmer down in the area. Literally long enough. Long enough that the fighting parson felt comfortable sending Silas to go command his first regiment southeast of Denver at Fort Lyon.
Gareth Reynolds
Okay.
Dave Anthony
The town was a bit more bustling than your usual frontier outpost a traveling freak show even visited. So. That's nice. That's nice. Let's. Let's bring. Let's have the entertainment be as bad as bad and evil as the.
Gareth Reynolds
Are you guys ready for the best night of your lives?
Dave Anthony
This guy is a serious health problem.
Gareth Reynolds
Honestly back there, scoliosis boy, it hurts. Shut up. We need doctors times frogman.
Dave Anthony
Look at giant head. It's a tumor.
Gareth Reynolds
The woman with rights. Look at her. She's able to vote. She's respected by her husband.
Dave Anthony
Can we throw hot pennies there?
Gareth Reynolds
You sure can. Look at this freak. She's expressing her opinions. The non drunk man. What? I've never had a drop.
Dave Anthony
Stone him, freak. Silas wrote a letter to his mom that he paid one of the free.
Gareth Reynolds
I hope he's writing more gloat letters. What's up now Silas? You still suck or what Life still suck there.
Dave Anthony
He wrote a letter to his mom that he paid one of the freaks a buck to see him turn his joints inside out. Noting quote. So you see, we are quite civilized in this country.
Gareth Reynolds
What in the. What is that sarcasm?
Dave Anthony
No, I don't think so.
Gareth Reynolds
He's genuinely like I paid a sick person $1 to move their arms and down. So as you can see, things are fine.
Dave Anthony
I mean they're not sick because they have. They're double jointed. So that's actually probably the best, I guess.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah.
Dave Anthony
The best possible case of a freak show freak. Because that is just a guy who's like check this out. Yeah, that's really not a disability.
Gareth Reynolds
As opposed to like rubber boy. You may poke him with pins.
Dave Anthony
The natives are really the life on.
Gareth Reynolds
That must have been just awesome.
Dave Anthony
Oh yeah, the natives weren't really an issue. But mosquitoes are the virgin.
Gareth Reynolds
Hi.
Dave Anthony
What are you, 40?
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, it just never happened. And then after one one night on the road, I can no longer be in the freak show. I've met someone like you.
Dave Anthony
Have you son of a. You're our biggest draw. Well, I couldn't help it. So natives aren't really an issue. But mosquitoes are. The Rocky Mountain News reported that Silas had been successful skirmishing with the mosquitoes, speculating that they had met their end either by quote alighting on the captain's very auburn hair and getting scorched or by listening to his sweet Irish brogue and getting charmed.
Gareth Reynolds
They are suggesting that he got rid of mosquitoes either by self amaliation or whatever it's called. I'm Nick Shirley. Or by singing to them.
Dave Anthony
Them ginger. Yes, gingers kill mosquitoes.
Gareth Reynolds
Like the sound of us a little more now. Need us around.
Dave Anthony
No. Still don't want your human tiki tort. Mosquitoes are better.
Gareth Reynolds
Come on.
Dave Anthony
Wrong. That Entire. That June, the entire town of Denver kicked. Tricked itself into an Indian hysteria. Always a good sign.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah.
Dave Anthony
Always a good.
Gareth Reynolds
By the way, what race can just trick themselves into full on genocide?
Dave Anthony
Watching.
Gareth Reynolds
Well, we've had another. Oopsie, poopsie.
Dave Anthony
You. You will literally never.
Gareth Reynolds
The sewer gone.
Dave Anthony
You will never see another group of people more be able to freak themselves out over nothing. No.
Gareth Reynolds
They are white and we are.
Dave Anthony
And so embarrassing.
Gareth Reynolds
And it's not like we're like a lower tiered race. Like we have dominated everything through war crimes for so long and yet we still go. We're in the crosshairs.
Dave Anthony
I mean, yeah. We get so.
Gareth Reynolds
We're just always like, oh, it's the
Dave Anthony
same thing right now with this. Just the cities. There's everywhere. And they're killing us.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah. Mid genocide. We're like, they're trying to kill us.
Dave Anthony
Okay. It started with. With one blurry warning of a band of horses. But then through the game of racist telephone, it ballooned into 3,000 warriors bearing down on the city. Families tore themselves out of their homes and stuffed themselves inside the few brick buildings Denver had. They were packed like sardines, barely able to breathe, safe from being burned down in their wooden homes, but genuinely at risk of suffocation.
Gareth Reynolds
And nothing was happening. Right.
Dave Anthony
Right.
Gareth Reynolds
They're hiding from a hurricane that doesn't exist.
Dave Anthony
Yes. After all of Denver had been woken up in terror, the townsman's bum rushed the armory and with the threat of physical murder, forced the soldiers to hand over the guns. The townsmen stationed themselves in alleys, doorways, on balconies and waited and waited and waited. And nothing. Nothing came. This is what we did with killer bees.
Gareth Reynolds
This is Native American Y2K. I mean, what they are, man. It does not take much.
Dave Anthony
It turns out it was probably just some Mexican cattle drivers. Whoopsie.
Gareth Reynolds
Just the dubs. Oops. We're in charge.
Dave Anthony
But the real visceral fear that came from the ordeal stayed with the Denverites. Infecting their brains with panic. They sent out new orders to outposts across the territory that the men were to, quote, shoot to kill any native they saw, period.
Gareth Reynolds
Just because of nothing.
Dave Anthony
They were literally just scared.
Gareth Reynolds
Now it's just like what my cat does with its tail. Is the white people just like the enemy's there?
Dave Anthony
This is what we do with everything.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah. We are fully the. We're. We have people in headlocks and we're like, my neck.
Dave Anthony
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Gareth Reynolds
Look.
Dave Anthony
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Gareth Reynolds
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Gareth Reynolds
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Gareth Reynolds
The more Chewy, the better. That's what I always say.
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Gareth Reynolds
And. And I like. I'm not used to eating it, but I'll eat it.
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Gareth Reynolds
I'd love to be there, but if you don't want me there, that is totally your prerogative.
Dave Anthony
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Gareth Reynolds
A lot of weird little pressure on that fella.
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Gareth Reynolds
It's a crazy thing to have happen and you get nervous and just get some hymns, get on it, and then they'll get on it.
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Gareth Reynolds
Oh, dang.
Dave Anthony
I was just using Rocket Money. What'd you do? I was just going through it, looking at my subscriptions and checking, making sure everything's up to par.
Gareth Reynolds
Keeps. Yep. Keeps you updated.
Dave Anthony
You get your credit card information in there, you get all your stuff. You can look at all your stuff in a nice consolidated area so you know what your money sits situation is.
Gareth Reynolds
Yep.
Dave Anthony
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Gareth Reynolds
So many.
Dave Anthony
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Gareth Reynolds
I would say I'm a big, oh, I don't remember doing that. And, and then Rocket Money just is always saying, do you? Sure. And you're like, nah, I don't need that anymore. You're right. Rocket of Money pays for itself.
Dave Anthony
Just knows all your subscriptions and it goes, hey, buddy, this one's coming up in a few days. Are you going to do that? Yep. So it's very helpful, especially with the ones that we all forget about, which we do these days. It's very easy to do because that's what they're trying to do.
Gareth Reynolds
They're trying, they're coming to get us.
Dave Anthony
I just had one the other day where it came up that it was, it was re upping next month and I'd forgotten.
Gareth Reynolds
I like catching the re up. I, I, you know, I could can't say enough. I don't know why I even leave
Dave Anthony
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Gareth Reynolds
rocket Money.com dollop and cue the jingle. Three, two, one. Rocket Money. Rocket Money. Rocket Money. Go ahead and save yourself yourself some Pokemon.
Dave Anthony
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Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, people are like, what, what? What's with it, Daddy?
Dave Anthony
There isn't one. Yeah, there's nothing. They're just saving you money. And people don't call you Daddy O anymore?
Gareth Reynolds
Well, no, they'll just go like, hey hipcat, you mint mobilin'.
Dave Anthony
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Gareth Reynolds
I don't know if you remember, we've tried that on the show. Yeah. During these. And. And it doesn't actually do that, but that's not a big deal because there's so much good with it.
Dave Anthony
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Gareth Reynolds
No, no, no. Let.
Dave Anthony
No Mint Mobile concierge. And she said have Garrett put the.
Gareth Reynolds
Garrett.
Dave Anthony
Yeah, I totally. It's Gareth, put the end of the cord in your mouth like it's a popsicle a little bit and then just leave it there for a sec and then take it out. And I, I swear she said that then he'll see it's meant to just do it right now. And then I really. Well, I'm gonna read the thing. You're gonna do that part to get your new wireless plan for just 15amonth. Go to mintmobile.com dob that's mintmobile.com.
Gareth Reynolds
i mean it just tastes like metal.
Dave Anthony
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Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, don't taste like mint. No, no mint. Taste.
Dave Anthony
Have you.
Gareth Reynolds
I want to talk to the concierge.
Dave Anthony
Have you gone to a doctor? Like an a. A doctor that deals with mouths? Because there seems to be an issue on your end.
Gareth Reynolds
Is it not a tongue problem?
Dave Anthony
250 miles away at Fort Leone, Silas had begun training and drilling his men with enthusiasm. He treated them fairly and in turn they respected him.
Gareth Reynolds
Okay.
Dave Anthony
They were so disciplined that they received a public commendation from their post commander. They got to. They got the shoot to kill order. But beyond a couple of skirmishes, quote the biggest nuisance seemed to come from mosquitoes and boredom.
Gareth Reynolds
So it's all quite stupid.
Dave Anthony
It is very stupid. One day lieutenant was taking troops up to Denver to muster out when they came upon something peculiar. Three Cheyenne standing in the middle of the road. Two men, one old and missing an eye and a woman. Even though they had orders to murder them on site. The lieutenant hesitated. These people weren't doing anything threatening. If anything, it looked like they were trying to surrender. The one eyed elder slowly approached and handed lieutenant a piece of paper. And the soldiers took him prisoner
Gareth Reynolds
for on what? Just because of existing? Yes.
Dave Anthony
Well, they're supposed to kill them. Shoot on sight, right? Major Wine coup chewed the out of the lieutenant for not killing the peaceful natives and then figured what the hell, and interrogated them instead of hanging them. The oneeyed elder was a sub chief named One Eye. Well, look, sometimes the name is just pretty straightforward.
Gareth Reynolds
It's right there.
Dave Anthony
It.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean. So that's fine. What was on the piece of paper?
Dave Anthony
I don't.
Gareth Reynolds
We don't know.
Dave Anthony
I hope maybe it'll say and the
Gareth Reynolds
other man, do you like me?
Dave Anthony
The other man was a warrior known as Eaglehead. And he actually had an eagle.
Gareth Reynolds
Would you look at that. That one's got one eye. Oh, One Eye. Now I've seen everything thing.
Dave Anthony
The note was a peace offering saying they'd release seven white prisoners if the colonizers would release some Cheyenne and promise not to murder any more natives for no reason. How dare you.
Gareth Reynolds
This is the most insulting letter of all time.
Dave Anthony
What the.
Gareth Reynolds
What do you think this is fair?
Dave Anthony
Wine Coup pressed One Eye. Why would he risk his life to send this message? He replied that the great spirit had whispered to him to save his prison people.
Gareth Reynolds
Well, sounds like someone feels like there's more to life than just killing, drinking and.
Dave Anthony
What you're saying is insane. And that one has an eagle Head, I cannot say this enough.
Gareth Reynolds
Please stop pointing that out. I'm quite normal.
Dave Anthony
That is weird.
Gareth Reynolds
Oh, come on.
Dave Anthony
By the way, I'm on mushrooms.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, that would have helped this whole thing. Yeah, just a nice dose of psilocybin. Give all of these white in their moonshine. Just mushrooms.
Dave Anthony
You're one with nature and so am
Gareth Reynolds
I. I've been thinking that maybe we're. Maybe we're wrong for what we're doing.
Dave Anthony
So Juan Coup asked Eaglehead why he was there. Eagle Head replied that he would never let his friend meet his fate alone. Juan Coop was stunned. He later wrote that he quote, felt himself in the presence of superior beings and that these were the be so hard for him. Oh, and that these rep. These were the representatives of a race that I here hair for hairtofore looked upon without exception as being cruel, treacherous and bloodthirsty. Without.
Gareth Reynolds
He's having the are we the baddies or affecting.
Dave Anthony
Yes, he is.
Gareth Reynolds
He's in the midst of the are we the baddies Moment.
Dave Anthony
Wait a minute.
Gareth Reynolds
Wait a minute. He was willing to go die with his friend for the greater good and all he was asking for was peace. Meanwhile, I was supposed to kill them before they even got the letter to me.
Dave Anthony
Pretty much right.
Gareth Reynolds
These mushrooms are good. I always think that if you could just. Just get ayahuasca in the D.C. water Man. Just to watch a session of that change.
Dave Anthony
Huh?
Gareth Reynolds
I've come to some new conclusions. We are all God's children. We are all connected. The space between us is invented. I'll stop.
Dave Anthony
When asked to saddle up to meet the Cheyenne for peace talks, Major Wayne coup staff was outraged. Everyone, that is, except for Silas. He'd rescued slaves before even a prisoner and was the. Was the. What was the difference between that and this? If anything, it would be easier since the Cheyenne wanted to give the prisoners up. Silas is one of four junior officers who made the track along with 120 low level soldiers bringing Cheyenne prisoners along with them for the exchange for day ride. They came to a site that made their blood coverage curdle. 800 Cheyenne and Arapo Arapaho warriors in battle formation showing gestures of hostility and letting the white man know they were down for a fight. One Eye approached the other chiefs and conferred, then returned with the news that the other chiefs would meet with Major Silas, another lieutenant and an interpreter. They gathered on the banks of the Hackberry Creek and met with the 10 indigenous chiefs. As a show of good faith, the union men handed over their weapons and entered the circle of chiefs. Quote Standing unarmed in the midst of an angry looking foe, Silas tried to keep the chattering of his teeth quiet.
Gareth Reynolds
Wow.
Dave Anthony
Wine coup. Continued to puff on his pipe as he attempted to appear calm.
Gareth Reynolds
What are. My associate is trying to die. Trying to say. Say. Say hey.
Dave Anthony
The men spoke for six hours. Meanwhile, the soldiers were being temporarily commanded by a drunk who was barely holding on, unable to really handle the fact that they were surrounded by 800 warriors.
Gareth Reynolds
We should get to fighting this. Peace talks are taking long enough. We waited for far too long.
Dave Anthony
Can I say something?
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, go ahead.
Dave Anthony
Let's go.
Gareth Reynolds
What?
Dave Anthony
Let's go.
Gareth Reynolds
I honestly, I'm just.
Dave Anthony
What the. Are we we?
Gareth Reynolds
I don't know if you're ready to fight. You seem drunk even for this.
Dave Anthony
What is.
Gareth Reynolds
What? What is. What?
Dave Anthony
What is.
Gareth Reynolds
Ted, Ted, take a seat. Ted, Ted. Ted, you ate too many shrooms, man. Ted, Ted, Ted, take a seat, dude. Ted. So you see it? Ted, what is it? Ted. Ted, Ted, Ted. You're having a bad trip, man. Okay, we're gonna go fight this war because these guys are out of line. But you just need to sit here. Stop. Dude. You're freaking a bunch of. Okay, okay. There you go. Let that come up. Let that come up.
Dave Anthony
I feel bad.
Gareth Reynolds
That's the mushroom saying. You take him too much.
Dave Anthony
Okay, stop saying stuff.
Gareth Reynolds
Okay, we're gonna go beat the out of these guys. What? Okay. What? Say it. What are you trying to say?
Dave Anthony
What do we go. What do we go home?
Gareth Reynolds
No, we can't go. What? We need to fight the battle.
Dave Anthony
I will see my dad.
Gareth Reynolds
That's a pathetic thing to say.
Dave Anthony
Okay, we're gonna die.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah. Look, man, we won't fight him, okay? We'll just wait for the negotiation. You kind of kill the enthusiasm. Yeah.
Dave Anthony
Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
So we got a drunk guy in charge of the troops. I have a feeling.
Dave Anthony
800.
Gareth Reynolds
I mean, I have a feeling this guy is going to be like. Like we should fight him.
Dave Anthony
The natives, for their part, were either livid or curious. The ones that spoke English just were throwing insults.
Gareth Reynolds
What's your problem?
Dave Anthony
Slurs.
Gareth Reynolds
And hey, what's your problem, honky?
Dave Anthony
For their part.
Gareth Reynolds
What's your deal, cracker?
Dave Anthony
And. And. And the more curious fellows were amazed by the howitzer canyons that they'd never seen before. Cannons.
Gareth Reynolds
Okay, right.
Dave Anthony
Yeah, that would. That would be like.
Gareth Reynolds
Right?
Dave Anthony
They're like, well, what's that terrible thing?
Gareth Reynolds
Wow, you guys are real pricks.
Dave Anthony
You guys really are awful.
Gareth Reynolds
Wow. Wow, that's evil.
Dave Anthony
One native couldn't help but stuff the cannon with grapes to just see what happened?
Gareth Reynolds
Excuse me.
Dave Anthony
Excuse me.
Gareth Reynolds
What are you. Excuse me. What are you doing there?
Dave Anthony
I absolutely. Get this guy. This guy. Now we have a me in the story.
Gareth Reynolds
I love the idea of you're like. So this will shoot foods at us. Better food. No, no.
Dave Anthony
We are back. Stand back 300 yards and open your mouth. O.
Gareth Reynolds
That is a party trick. While our people negotiate, we thought maybe we could put food in your cannon and shoot it at the crowd. Yeah, that. That actually sounds pretty funny. Putting grapes in it. Like, acting like. Ah, I understand. This is how you feed your people. What our people, we murder.
Dave Anthony
Hold on. Listen to him though. Think about it.
Gareth Reynolds
Now, we have had a minute to consult and we've decided your grape cannon idea is pretty fun. So we're going to do it well.
Dave Anthony
So when he tried to put the grapes in, a shoving match ensued and both sides drew their weapons in a standoff.
Gareth Reynolds
Why was this man killed? He put grapes in the cannon. You guys were gone for a while. A lot of weird stuff took place.
Dave Anthony
Luckily, cooler heads prevailed and the peace talks continued. Finally, wine Coop, Silas and the other two whites emerged and the soldiers were returned to camp and await word from the chief. Chiefs. Two days later, one chief arrived with a prisoner, a young woman who, according to contemporaneous reports, became so overwhelmed with emotion that she began to weep uncontrollably when she was told to stop by the chief because, quote, Indians did not approve of women crying. That's amazing.
Gareth Reynolds
So she just like, let loose.
Dave Anthony
No, they thought that she thought she was going to be killed because. Yeah, because she was crying and then. Yeah, which is really how we raise. We should raise people.
Gareth Reynolds
Well, it's. It's really a strange thing when you're like. Like, boy, these. This group of people is worse to women than we are.
Dave Anthony
The news of the day reported that the. The last part multiple times. They really wanted to get that fact out there. So. So it's.
Gareth Reynolds
They were really.
Dave Anthony
Well, it's just their savages thing.
Gareth Reynolds
Right. It's there. They were upping that part of it.
Dave Anthony
Yeah. Silas took it upon himself to welcome the woman and turned on the old Silas charm jumper. Forget, you know, the terrible ordeal.
Gareth Reynolds
She went to me. I'm just a drunk Irish guy. I. Acting. Hello. How are you? That must have been a fun moment. I have other characters. Do you want to hear my SNL stuff? No, I have a whole reel. I do.
Dave Anthony
Oh, no, I'm good, thanks.
Gareth Reynolds
I do a bunch of people. You want to hear my trump?
Dave Anthony
No. I'm traumatized. I was Just kidnapped by Native American.
Gareth Reynolds
I was traumatized too, because I went to the bar and they didn't have any whiskey for me.
Dave Anthony
What are you doing?
Gareth Reynolds
I'm doing my drunk Irish.
Dave Anthony
Okay. Well, I'm literally traveling.
Gareth Reynolds
Excuse me. I'm the king. I don't like this guy. It's me still, so.
Dave Anthony
No, I know it's you.
Gareth Reynolds
Well, why don't I get in a relationship with this lasso? That's only. That's the only woman who likes me. My name is. My name is cart Felton McFeatherson.
Dave Anthony
Do you think you.
Gareth Reynolds
That's another character I do.
Dave Anthony
Would be able to get this out of your system?
Gareth Reynolds
Alrighty, then.
Dave Anthony
If there was a thing called crowd work, do you think you'd be able to get to somebody's systems? You'd be able to be around.
Gareth Reynolds
How would that.
Dave Anthony
Which is a. You're up in front of a crowd of people and you're just talking to them.
Gareth Reynolds
And how do you talk to them?
Dave Anthony
Well, you. You're like, hey, what do you do? What do you do for.
Gareth Reynolds
How long you two been together?
Dave Anthony
What? Yeah, how you long.
Gareth Reynolds
Those are interesting things to find out
Dave Anthony
from that you can do your little character.
Gareth Reynolds
I don't know if I could be able to handle that. I've been as sweet as a bear ever. That's. That's another one of my characters.
Dave Anthony
That's terrible.
Gareth Reynolds
Drunky McLean, you're terrible. Okay, you heard my special 4le. Clever. I need you to just leave. Clever.
Dave Anthony
I need you to completely stop talking. Okay, so he probably used accents to try and make her laugh, which. Yeah, we just. We just went through and it worked. The chief gave woff word that the others would be freed the next day. Sure enough.
Gareth Reynolds
It's funny to go back to a group of white people and you're just like. You're gonna be allowed to cry here a lot. A skill that you'll be employing regular, regularly.
Dave Anthony
Sure enough, at noon, there was.
Gareth Reynolds
We let our women weep. We treat them so badly, they cry all the time.
Dave Anthony
Sure enough, at noon, there was possession of the other chiefs and child prisoners. One young boy was happy to be free, but wanted to keep the Indian pony he had been given.
Gareth Reynolds
We've all been there.
Dave Anthony
I mean, have we? A young girl arrived wrapped in a blanket, crying for her dead mother.
Gareth Reynolds
It's tough. So look, there's. Nobody was doing great stuff.
Dave Anthony
This is fine.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, but that's. But these. These are the. The children coming back from the Native Americans.
Dave Anthony
Yes.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah. So listen, there's some stuff happened a
Dave Anthony
Wine Coop recalled the. The quote, the bronze cheek of many a battle scarred rough soldier coursed a tear. What he's saying that even the. The hardened soldiers were sad.
Gareth Reynolds
Okay.
Dave Anthony
Because you know.
Gareth Reynolds
Right. Yes.
Dave Anthony
Murder's tough.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah. It's not easy. The party had to send a Kushner and a wit cough. There. That's how you get out of these sort of situations. Our greatest negotiators. It is a matter of time until he.
Dave Anthony
I really thought the door was gonna
Gareth Reynolds
happen at one point.
Dave Anthony
Do you think he gets annoyed by us?
Gareth Reynolds
Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
Dave Anthony
The party embarked on their journey to Denver with Wine Coop riding ahead to alert any military men he found to murder their band of travelers.
Gareth Reynolds
Wait, so he's getting ahead to tell them not to murder because now we're like on, well, non murderous terms.
Dave Anthony
No, because I think he has with them Native Americans who brought the.
Gareth Reynolds
Right.
Dave Anthony
Right. So yeah. He's saying don't murder.
Gareth Reynolds
Right. Right.
Dave Anthony
He also needed to make arrangements with the governor who was the head of Native relations in the territory. When he first tried calling on him. The governor pretended to be sick.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah. I was going to say. It's weird to not have heard so far in this thing.
Dave Anthony
I don't feel well again.
Gareth Reynolds
You're the governor. Tell them. I can't. My belly hurts.
Dave Anthony
I've got a poopy.
Gareth Reynolds
I can't. I'm in pain.
Dave Anthony
The next day the governor met with one coup but was a real Debbie Downer. He told Wynkoop it was absolutely a terrible mistake to bring the natives here to talk peace. After all, weren't they at war with these United States and.
Gareth Reynolds
Excuse me, his role again is what he's.
Dave Anthony
He is the governor head of Native Relations.
Gareth Reynolds
Right. You should have killed them when you had the chance.
Dave Anthony
I'm the Native relations guy.
Gareth Reynolds
Are you even sick?
Dave Anthony
And by that. Look, here's what I'm saying. Relations means murder.
Gareth Reynolds
It's very interesting. By relations I mean cut off. Relations cut off and kill heads. Heads. Yeah.
Dave Anthony
So he's not down. He says a terrible mistake. After all, weren't they war with the US and they need to be punished more before peace can be reached or the US looks cowardly. Right.
Gareth Reynolds
The. The relations are difficult to have.
Dave Anthony
One thing about peace is you want the other people to be the so desperate for it.
Gareth Reynolds
Ultimate peace happens when they're all dead.
Dave Anthony
Yes.
Gareth Reynolds
And then we finally have achieved ultimate peace.
Dave Anthony
Isn't that peace? I don't know what that is. Which is. What are you doing?
Gareth Reynolds
I'm just letting you know that that side is very important.
Dave Anthony
It sounded like a. Like a Hare Krishna song. What are you doing?
Gareth Reynolds
That's just sort of when it comes to these relationships.
Dave Anthony
Is that supposed to be a Native American search?
Gareth Reynolds
No, this is the governor's. This is the. This is the governor's relations. So. Just a baby boy, a mom, and my baby boy.
Dave Anthony
We just got. We just got word that they really want to kill us now. The. They're. The. The. The need to murder us has been. Has risen. It's rising. They're saying they're gonna go to full war. It's gonna be.
Gareth Reynolds
I'm gonna take my sh. Shirt off.
Dave Anthony
You remind me of the whipping poofs.
Gareth Reynolds
That's gonna be in my head all day.
Dave Anthony
So, Wyan, Coop was just flabbergasted by the governor's response. Here he was ready to bring peace to the frontier, and the governor's turning it down. And the governor balked, throwing out several reasons why they shouldn't meet.
Gareth Reynolds
So Colorado's always kind of been the same.
Dave Anthony
Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
Basically, there's always been, like, one guy. You're like, what's your deal? In charge of the state. Like, every time they have a governor, you're like, what do you. Like?
Dave Anthony
Yeah, what the.
Gareth Reynolds
It's just always weird.
Dave Anthony
Kind of always.
Gareth Reynolds
So it's like, we've legalized mushrooms and you can kill Chinese people. We're Colorado. Like, what's going on over there?
Dave Anthony
But one C wore the governor down, and he agreed to meet with them. Silas ran to his friends in the press and convinced them to give the can the conference positive coverage. And once the band of chiefs arrived in Denver, they paraded down the main streets waving American flags. People of Denver cheered, hoping that at long last they'd be able to live in peace. But not everyone was happy. The third Calvary unit came close to mutiny, wanting to strike the blow for the people of Denver here and now and rid the city of their, quote, Indian prisoners problem.
Gareth Reynolds
God damn it.
Dave Anthony
The people are like, yeah, let's just. Let's just live together. No, it.
Gareth Reynolds
It. Only.
Dave Anthony
It literally, if you take. If you have 90 people, just think if you're at a party, how many. How many guys it takes to fight and up the party.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, no, it is. We have, like. It's like herpes is racism. We just. There always someone who has it in a group. They're just not saying it out loud. And then now with the state of affairs now, people are so much happier to say it out loud and just let it rip. I said something on an on Elon Instagram video the other day. And I just. My faith and hope in society gets deflated often. But it was like he was basically. I don't remember what he was talking about, but some of his opining where it's just like completely made up and he's, you know, we're going to need to give everyone a universal basic income and it'll be a high wealth income because you know, once AI all this stuff and I was just like this guy, nobody's ever been more full of of. And the failures of capitalism are so evident because he's the richest man in the world. And the amount of people are like, bro, what are you smoking? Dude, what have you done? Are you serious? He's done this, this, this, this, this. And you're just like, you can't. You can't destupify.
Dave Anthony
No. And that's a cult.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, it is. It's a cult. When you worship a person who is directly you.
Dave Anthony
Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
And you're like, he's the best.
Dave Anthony
And lying to your face.
Gareth Reynolds
Lying. Always profiting. He's going to be a trillionaire. Technically.
Dave Anthony
Yeah. But we indeed the first trillionaire.
Gareth Reynolds
Oh my God.
Dave Anthony
So the conference. The conference begins with the main chief Black Kettle addressing the governor quote, we have come with our eyes shut, following Weincoop's handful of men like coming through the floor fire. All we ask is that we may have peace with the whites. We want to hold you by the hand. You are a father.
Gareth Reynolds
That sounds a little weird, you freaks. No, we have been trying. We will come on the fire with you, though. That sounds like the best way to put it out.
Dave Anthony
Jesus Christ.
Gareth Reynolds
We'll play what we call Ooky Ashes.
Dave Anthony
What?
Gareth Reynolds
Yes. So we will all stand here and we will play until we spurt out the fire. That's what you just offered us. No. And we are saying, as the white race.
Dave Anthony
No.
Gareth Reynolds
We accept your fire Jacks.
Dave Anthony
Why are you talking like that?
Gareth Reynolds
We will play fire Jacks with you people and we will not hold your hand, but we will all hold each other's members and we will play with ourselves until we make spurts and put this fire out. In a symbolic sign of peace and going forward with our treaty together, we will now ask the women to turn their backs and for the boys to stand behind us. Because someday they will be doing this on this, the holiest of holidays. So with that, I shall start the first jacking.
Dave Anthony
We out.
Gareth Reynolds
As you can see, my penis is out.
Dave Anthony
We out.
Gareth Reynolds
And quite hard.
Dave Anthony
First out. We out. Bye.
Gareth Reynolds
We're not going to be able to put this fire out without you. By the way, I have noticed a flaw in our arrangement. In order to put the fire out, I will need to be quite close by. And it burns my penis and balls. Do you understand?
Dave Anthony
Unfortunately.
Gareth Reynolds
Translator. Will you explain?
Dave Anthony
We got it all.
Gareth Reynolds
Do you understand?
Dave Anthony
Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
It's hard for me to shoot when that. That close to the fire.
Dave Anthony
Should you be in one of your freak shows?
Gareth Reynolds
What's beautiful about this moment is that one man's score. Squirt cannot put out the fire. But the squirt of 800 of us will indeed extinguish the blaze.
Dave Anthony
I gotta be honest. Just. I don't think that would.
Gareth Reynolds
We're accepting your terms.
Dave Anthony
Put it out.
Gareth Reynolds
I think it might.
Dave Anthony
Yeah. I don't.
Gareth Reynolds
Then we'll piss on it after. Which is probably good for us to do anyway.
Dave Anthony
That would probably work.
Gareth Reynolds
But every person spurt and then we'll squirt.
Dave Anthony
There's literally nothing the spurt and squirt about what you're saying that makes any sense. Sense?
Gareth Reynolds
It is a way for our people. It's not. It is a way.
Dave Anthony
Everybody knows you guys don't do this.
Gareth Reynolds
It is a way.
Dave Anthony
You're trying to get us to jerk off on a fire and then take pictures.
Gareth Reynolds
So you guys go first. We.
Dave Anthony
It's very obvious. You try to make us look terrible.
Gareth Reynolds
Go ahead.
Dave Anthony
No.
Gareth Reynolds
Please, no.
Dave Anthony
Then you'll be like these guys. Jerk off over fires.
Gareth Reynolds
We're not going to be like April fools. And we got you because it's April fools, you dummies.
Dave Anthony
We don't do that.
Gareth Reynolds
Oh, all right. Well, then let's just jack off on the fire.
Dave Anthony
After you.
Gareth Reynolds
Okay. Oh, that's nice. That feels good.
Dave Anthony
Never say that again.
Gareth Reynolds
That's good. My hood's hot.
Dave Anthony
Yeah, you are. Father. We began traveling through a cloud. The sky has been dark ever since the war began. The braves who are with me are all willing to do what I say. We want to take good tidings home to our people that they may sleep in peace. I want you to look at all the chiefs and to your soldiers here and understand that we are here for. For peace. That we have made peace. And that we may not be mistaken for them by. By them for enemies. I have not come here with a little wolf spark. But I have come to talk plain to you. The chief in charge.
Gareth Reynolds
Okay. I was gonna say whitey.
Dave Anthony
The governor and the chiefs went back and forth and the governor blamed violence rot on the Sioux. By the Sioux. On them. He Constantly backed any promise of peace, backed off any promise of peace and grilled the chiefs about the fighting that had previously occurred, asking them. Them to turn over any of their perpetrators. Yeah, because his job is essentially expansion and to rid the area of the Native Americans. So.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, well, and he also, I mean, again, he's coming in with quite a bias if he's basically saying that he doesn't, he doesn't want. He already didn't want this. By the way, Denver's always hated the chiefs. They're just a better franchise.
Dave Anthony
The fighting person who is now in charge. All right, all right. Of all the soldiers, soldiers in the area finally spoke up. Quote, I'm not a big war chief, but all the soldiers in this country are at my command. My rule of fighting white men or Indians is to fight them until they lay down their arms and submit to military authority. You are near Major Wine coop than anyone else. And you can go to him when you get ready to do that.
Gareth Reynolds
What's he saying? I mean, is he. Is he saying. Because I would imagine that he is saying pro peace.
Dave Anthony
Yes, he, he's giving like, like he' actually talking piece with the right. Whereas the governor isn't right. But he's in charge of the military. So.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah. So basically.
Dave Anthony
And with that statement, the fighting parson and Governor Evans adjourned the council. Silas Witning all of this later, said the chiefs repeatedly tried to give their side, but had their comments and questions deflected. So, Silas, sounds like our kind of dialogue. Yeah, it really does. Silence and wycoop returned to Fort Lyon where they were met by about 290 natives who were awaiting the return of the chiefs. Chief Left Hand, he's left handed by the way.
Gareth Reynolds
I am left handed by the way. You guys. I've heard a lot of your nicknames and they've been like Sitting Bull and they've been pretty good, but some of these are really falling short.
Dave Anthony
Yeah, Lefty. And that's, that's Jimmy Two Feet over there.
Gareth Reynolds
How are you? Both of my feet are functional.
Dave Anthony
Chief Left Hand doubled down on his commitment to the peace talks, telling Silas that he would rather fight his own people than the white man if he stayed truthful to the process. While they were gone, one of the companies mutinied because they were were forced to be peaceful toward the Native Americans and were confined to the guard house where they promptly burned it down.
Gareth Reynolds
The passion for racism, it's just we
Dave Anthony
always have had a bunch of proud. We've always had proud boys and it
Gareth Reynolds
is really, it is. It's like a chemical imbalance. It is a DNA issue. There is genuinely this thing.
Dave Anthony
Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
That we've got to just like science has to get into it and just find a way just before birth to be like, oh, this is a, this is the, this is an oath keeper. Suck that out. There we go.
Dave Anthony
I mean, we would be living in peace. It wasn't for like 20% of us just being completely fucking insane.
Gareth Reynolds
And now those 20% are like, oh, fucking fight on the White House lawn. Yeah.
Dave Anthony
Gareth. The summer changes how I dress. I just, I start dressing differently. I want, I want lighter clothes. I want breathable, easy. Looks good, right? Look, you know, I like to look good.
Gareth Reynolds
I know what you're talking about. I've never been someone who is like, hey, you need different clothes for this time. With Quint, it actually makes sense the items they're offering. I don't know if it's that I'm getting older or Quint is getting better. I got some shorts and a shirt from Quince for the spring summer season. And I was like, this is right.
Dave Anthony
Yeah. I got, I got linen pants and shirts. I've kind of got the linen guy. I have a lean in a linen now.
Gareth Reynolds
I'm a lean into linen.
Dave Anthony
I'm a leaning. I'm leaning linen, summer linen. Quint's European linen pants and shirts are perfect for the, the hot summer weather. And they start at just $34.
Gareth Reynolds
Can't say enough about how much I love quints. I pretty much only wear quints.
Dave Anthony
Yeah. My wife went crazy when she saw that I was, oh yeah, Quincing. Because she's a big quincer. Te's very soft, lightw cotton sweaters. Perfect for cool summer nights. Everything. At Quints, it's going to be priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands.
Gareth Reynolds
They're aware of the environment. They work with local people. It's all cheaper than it would be with with other companies. The quality's high. They're having a moment and I don't mind. I don't mind having them all over my body.
Dave Anthony
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Gareth Reynolds
Listen to the Quint Quince tuplets now
Dave Anthony
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Gareth Reynolds
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Dave Anthony
natives now moved about two miles from the fort giving them themselves up to the whites and honoring the peace process.
Gareth Reynolds
Never.
Dave Anthony
This lasted about two months.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, never do that. Never, never. Just never fold in front of the whites. Right. Bluff. Do something.
Dave Anthony
Once the ranking general got word of the plot, he immediately sent a replacement for w coup. He also charged Wycope with a cavalcade of offenses like quote having issued food and supplies to Indians, allowing Indians and in and around the post as well as leaving the district without authority. So he's demoted and the vibe shift in to an uncertain melancholy. Silas was pessimistic at the prospect of peace. He wrote to his sister that he expected to do some fighting that winter. Several times he tried to leave the fort either by furlough or reassignment, but was constantly denied. So he wants out of this.
Gareth Reynolds
What they what ultimately what is the peace going to look like in this situation? It's going to be.
Dave Anthony
Well, it's not anymore.
Gareth Reynolds
Right. But what was the. The version of it was peace was just like we have some area. You have some area like yeah, we
Dave Anthony
won't kill each other.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah. Alone. Right. So the two month furlough is essentially where they're awaiting a decision on if that is going to come to fruition. No, no.
Dave Anthony
I think that they. I think they. They agreed they basically military we won't do this.
Gareth Reynolds
Right.
Dave Anthony
And then it went higher up the command they heard it, you know and
Gareth Reynolds
they were like that sounds what the kill them.
Dave Anthony
So the next day Silas and another soldier out patrolling when they Came upon a wild site. It was the fighting Parson commanding over 400 soldiers way to fort Leon. Silas stopped. Silas stopped and greeted his old mentor kindly. But the fighting parson dispensed with any pleasantries.
Gareth Reynolds
No time.
Dave Anthony
He demanded that Silas tell him if he. If anyone knew of their arrival. And Silas assured them that this would be a surprise and asked why. And the fighting parson cooly let Silas know that they were there to kill all the native Americans.
Gareth Reynolds
Ah, I thought it was going to go another direction.
Dave Anthony
No, remember, he's.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, no, I know. Yeah, he's.
Dave Anthony
He's Tucker Carlson.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah.
Dave Anthony
Yeah. Silas felt anger, shame, and agitation as he shouted, quote, but they're prisoners. They're peaceful. It didn't matter. The fighting parson way outranked Silas and any more disrespect will be considered mutinous. Silas raced back to the major and told him of the impending reneging on the peace treaty. But it was still too late. The fighting parson sealed the entrances and didn't allow any natives into the fort. Silas tore into the major and reminded him of their promise to the chiefs. They were all. They were so close to a peaceful outcome. And the fighting parson assured him they weren't going to kill all of the indigenous people. They leave some of the, quote, good ones. This was refuted by the fact that they were to attack the basically unarmed civilian camp at San Creek, not the warrior factions that were camped out at Smoky Hills. Feeling for his protege and not wanting to put him in a position where he'd be revealed as a liar, the fighting parson gave Silas a free pass to sit this one out.
Gareth Reynolds
The idea that if you are going to be. This is what we see now. It's like if you are committing anything from a crime against humanity to a genocide, genocide, you're going to get an emotional and violent reaction from people. And then if you decide that that is criminality, that's you're going to be able to eventually pretty much put everybody in a jail or a camp or beat them or mace them or kill them or whatever, and that is basically now for profit in our society. So it's like, hey, we're going to keep crossing this line. Line. And when you object to us crossing this line by any means necessary, you've also crossed the line.
Dave Anthony
You're not fun.
Gareth Reynolds
Well, it's just. It's not going great. Like when you see the Delaney hall and you're just like the. The. The whole idea of the. There was that moment, remember, where it was sort of like there was this almost like Maya Culpa offered to the law enforcement because you were like, well, they're not as ice and if we can get them to turn against ice, may. And then it's like, well, you see now how it works now do you see what it is? Yeah. The cops move the barricades back for the detention center to continue its abuse.
Dave Anthony
Yeah. So that's what beautiful little ecosystem always gonna happen. Silas stormed out of the room and marched right to where several officers were hanging out and braided them, saying, quote, any man who would take part in the murders was a low life, cowardly son of. Of a. Silas wasn't the only officer to feel that way. Joseph Kramer called the planned ambush murder and reminded the fighting parson that they had given their word to the chiefs that the chiefs had saved their lives and dealt with them in a civilized manner. And the fighting parson thundered that he, quote, believed it to be right or honorable to use any means necessary under God's heaven to kill Indians and damn any man that is in sympathy with the Indian Indians.
Gareth Reynolds
Wow. We really just need. We just. If God could just come down for 10 minutes, just kind of give us the straight, what's the goal here? So we could all just lock in.
Dave Anthony
He added that men such as Kramer Woo. Quote had better.
Gareth Reynolds
Would it be if God came down and just killed Jesse Waters?
Dave Anthony
Oh, God. Just one thing, everybody.
Gareth Reynolds
He squished his head.
Dave Anthony
Okay, now I'm out.
Gareth Reynolds
That was a really whoopsie.
Dave Anthony
That's all I was here for.
Gareth Reynolds
All right, take care. I might come back.
Dave Anthony
Damn any man that is in sympathy with the Indians and guys like Kramer and Woop quote had better get out of the United States service. The fighting parson then made threats against Silas for daring to betray his orders. And Silas tried to write a letter pleading their case. But the fighting p Parson returned it unopened.
Gareth Reynolds
That is, some.
Dave Anthony
That night, he led two battalions, including Company D, which was led by Silas to Sand Creek. On the way, one of the guides who sided with Silas marched the troops through a freezing pond, claiming that it was the most direct route. It likely could have been a ploy to dampen the men's gunpowder. The fighting parson threatened the man with death, adding that he would have the man, quote, for breakfast. As the sun rose, they approached their destination. 100 lodges of Cheyenne and 8 lodges of Arapaho awaited them on the banks of the relatively dry creek. A few were awake, completing their morning task, but most were asleep until the thundering of artillery and 600 horses. They first thought it was a massive herd of buffalo because they could not comprehend the white man betraying them like this. But it soon dawned on them this army was there to kill them. And a rumor flew through the military men. They were to take no prisoners. The fighting parson summed all of his fire and brimstone hollering at the men, quote, boys, I shall not turn. Tell you what, you are here to kill. But remember our slaughtered women and children.
Gareth Reynolds
Our member. What?
Dave Anthony
Our slaughtered women. That's the end of man.
Gareth Reynolds
Just. You know, it. The term war crime has always been such a funny little term because it's just like, well, war is a crime. I mean, they. But you. You know, there are. I guess you have to honor this idea of defending violence against innocent people with something. And so maybe violence is the only way to do that. But then if you have such an abysmal history like this, it's just like, man, that's just like fullon just. It's just this. This I've been wronged cope shits like Heg Sean brain rot, where you're just like, we kill everyone because we were. At some point, it's like, man, get the chip off your white shoulder, you lunatic.
Dave Anthony
Yeah, yeah. These are people that are just okay with. It's people that are okay with killing.
Gareth Reynolds
Like. Yeah. And you just get. And. And I do. Like, when you. When you do read the People's History of the United States, I mean it. The one thing that jumps out is, is that the natives could not process the level of violence that was brought toward, like, they. They, like, you know, there. It's not to say that they were not violent, but they were just like, oh, yeah.
Dave Anthony
Different level.
Gareth Reynolds
It was like the white violence was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, guys. Not everybody do that.
Dave Anthony
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
That's a real downer for an ending of an episode.
Dave Anthony
Well, I'm sure it'll get worse.
Gareth Reynolds
I keep kind of feeling like I. I am holding this hope that Silas is going to John Brown us at some point.
Dave Anthony
Keep holding it, Silas. Sources Silas Soul A Short, Eventful Life of Moral Courage by Tom Bensing. The Rocky Mountain is the commonwealth of Blackhawk Daily Minor. And this was written by Josh Androwski.
Gareth Reynolds
It's very funny because I'm wearing my. My Lamb of God shirt right now, and Randy Bly literally just texted me
Dave Anthony
and what do you say?
Gareth Reynolds
He just sent me a picture of his cat Dracula, and he's holding a Jose pin in front of Dracula's mouth. And Dracula, by the way, does not look into it. He no does not look into it. And Dracula, he's trained Dracula to walk around, to feel comfortable riding around on his head. So he, like, walks around the house, and Dracula, like, sits on his head like a Kush coonskin cap.
Dave Anthony
All right. Mark Twain had a cat on him. Pardon? I saw a picture of Mark Twain and he was. He was.
Gareth Reynolds
That's AI.
Dave Anthony
No, it wasn't. Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
Is everything AI?
Dave Anthony
He was. Most stuff is. Yeah. Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
Okay.
Dave Anthony
He was rocking a cat. All right.
Gareth Reynolds
Well. All right, everybody. Have a good week. Thank you.
Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds continue their deep dive into the life and moral complexities of Silas Soule, a Union officer and notable figure in the American West during the Civil War era. This second installment picks up with Soule’s evolving legacy as an abolitionist and explores the turbulent transition from fighting Confederates to the U.S. Army’s conflict against Native Americans. The hosts highlight the contradictions within the era’s moral landscape, blending historical detail with their signature banter, dark humor, and pointed observation of recurring injustices.
On Contradiction and Racism:
On Colonial Hysteria:
On the Ethics of War:
On Systemic Racism:
On Genocidal Policy:
Comic Relief:
True to The Dollop’s tone, Dave and Gareth weave dark humor and modern parallels into their historical narrative, highlighting America’s cycles of scapegoating, racist policy, and moral contradiction. The contrast between Silas Soule’s earnest attempts at peace and the machinery of genocide orchestrated by so-called “men of God” is explored with both exasperation and biting satire. The episode closes as the Sand Creek Massacre approaches, leaving a heavy sense of foreboding and setting the stage for the next grim chapter in the saga.
Recommended Next Listen: Part Three, where the fallout and legacy of Silas Soule’s moral stand—and America’s frontier violence—continue.