I came wrapped in bright lavender, soft fabric tight on my curves. I was crowned with honey on my forehead and my lips by two Queens whose authority is rooted in the Great River of Mystery. I felt my Inner Star jump forward above my left eye, ready to see new worlds and receive new insights. I mingled with the honeysuckle and yarrow, the sweetness and the protection, coming full circle so many times I became a flower.I invoked my conquests and I conquered them through pleasure. I blessed bodies and opened worlds when I was pleased. I cut off heads and ate them when I was displeased. I took what I needed and when I was satisfied I was done and when I wasn’t, I asked for more. I played the field from my position of power so well that every loss was a gain and every miss clarified my aim.

I dressed in black and found my way to the one who first opened my heart, with two strong arms at my side. I realized that all the beauty had been me. as lovable as they were and still are, I am more lovable to myself than I could ever be to anyone else. I felt the familiar longing to be recognized in all my effulgent glory until I remembered there is no one more capable of recognizing me than myself. still, I stay open…on one condition: worship me or be devoured.

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I let lightning light up my tower, always eager to say yes to what no one could have seen coming because that’s how life keeps me alive. I found myself being worshipped and adored without having to prove or reveal myself, without having to ask. I felt like a delicious meal being fully enjoyed for the first and the last time because nothing happens the same way twice. I saw myself in the mirror, softer and sweeter and more available than I’d been in years. I called myself back to myself with each tear, letting the saltwater pour down my back to open my heart from the past forward.I extracted the first knife of self-betrayal from my heart, placed there generations ago by those who broke me and made me possible. I cleaned the ancient blood off of it. I placed it on the ancestor altar in reverence for how long it had caused pain. I use it to protect myself now.

I extracted the second knife of self-betrayal from my heart, placed there over and over again throughout my own lifetime by the betrayal of others. I cleaned the fresh blood off of it and the layers of old blood underneath. grateful for it’s protection and for all it taught me, I keep it close to me, ready at my side. I clean it often. I never forget but I always remember to forgive.

I extracted the third knife of self-betrayal from my heart, the most deeply embedded one because it was placed there by me. every time I betrayed myself, every time I exiled my openness, every time I held myself back from Love. every time it sunk in a little deeper. this was the most difficult to extract, requiring the most precision and patience. when everything around it finally felt safe enough to relax, it slipped out more quickly than expected. this time, I consumed the blood with my tongue, returning the life force to its source. this blood was mine. I poured it out of me and I poured it back into me. I swallowed the sword too, alchemizing the metal into my bloodstream, becoming stronger knowing that my own pain could never destroy me but it could make me more powerful, more loving.

I entered the promised land through my own primordial milk & honey. I created paradise from the freedom of my power. I felt the alchemical surges of desire and fear. I played with all longings as tensions leading me back to god through myself. every place that love wasn’t flowing freely became a reminder that love will always flow freely through me if I allow Her to. I surrendered and I submitted. I commanded and I invoked. I surrendered again, even more willing than the first time. each time more willing because the depth of surrender is equal to the depth of pleasure is equal to the ability to demand more.I let the trickster in until I became Them; the snake in the garden, the whisper of the erotic, the entanglement into duality that makes the conditions necessary for orgasm and ecstasy possible. I let the tensions build and I learned to let them resolve. then I created new tensions, just to see what I could do. I researched my erotic like a science, I watched my power grow as if in a laboratory. I know things now I could never un-know. I am just beginning my mastery and yet I have never felt more complete.

love has completely devastated and devoured me, bringing me to my own knees while simultaneously seating me on my throne. I wanted love to come from somewhere else, to be more transcendent and less incarnated. to be more ethereal and less erotic. to scare me less, to intrigue me less, to make me less of a creature of hunger than I am. but love isn’t the salvation of a god-figure too pure and white and clean to become dirty. love is the dirt, every single speck of it. love is the pain and the power and the impossibility of being alive. love is the desire eating me from the inside until I stop resisting and allow it to fully consume me, whole.

in the transformation, love becomes every experience. every experience becomes reality loving me into more of myself, into deeper incarnation, into more unity within my separateness. when I allow the transformation, love liberates me from every single prison, even the ones I enjoy, when I’m ready to let them go. love is a lover’s kiss and love is the absence of no lover at all. love is the swords in my heart and love is the removal of them. love is the severance and love is the repair.

love is being more fully myself and love is my fear that doing so will hurt me. love is the neverending ritual unfolding into my re-membrance. love is when I forget. if every single moment is love, then separation becomes impossible and The Original Heartbreak heals. I’m not scared of what happens when I believe I’m separate from love, I know that reality too well. I’m terrified of what happens when I realize I’m not separate and never have been. then there’s no reason to hide or hesitate in a reality of unconditional access to love, no reason to refuse or reject, no reason to fear.

nothing is left in that perfection but the question: what game will I play next?

p.s: I’m teaching a workshop next week! it’s called The Great Defrosting and it’s the baby of Saturn in pisces, Jupiter in taurus, and this Venus in leo transit. you already know effort & commitment. you already know how to paradigm shift. you already know grief. it’s time to learn the structure of softness, the art of staying available to life. it’s time to remember the reason for it all. it’s $25 until Sunday @ 8pm est when the early pricing ends. join the moment!

ily 🌹

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