← The Dylan Gemelli Podcast
The Dylan Gemelli Podcast
Episode #108 Featuring Ashleigh Di Lello! BIO EMOTIONAL HEALING: How to rewire your nervous system!! A life of pain and joy and the keys to overcoming adversity!
00:57:26
Loading summary
Transcript125 lines
- [00:18]
A
Today's episode is sponsored by Apollo Neuro. Apollo Neuro is the leading doctor Recommended wearable technology. Apollo's award winning smart vibes AI works effortlessly behind the scenes, automatically integrating into your life to deliver gentle personalized vibrations that activate your vagus nerve, helping you fall asleep faster, stay asleep longer, and wake up balanced, focused and ready each day. Not only that, but the Apollo Neuro is the first and only wearable that improves your hrv. Apollo is effortless. Simply wear it throughout the day and night and let it do the work for you. It's safe for anyone and everyone with no side effects and is the only wearable that can be worn anywhere on your body. Optimal health requires both the mind and body to be in line, and Apollo is the key to establishing that connection. Check the description below to save $90 with my special discount. Take control over your health today with Apollo Neuro. All right, everybody, welcome back to the Dylan Gemelli podcast. So I have an exciting guest today, and I think resilience is far, far too weak of a word to use for her, but it's, it's a. It's a story and a journey on top of what she's doing now. So we're going to all of that together and we are going to inspire people, but we're also going to teach and help people along the way as well, because that's the goal here. And we have a very similar thought process on things that are important to us. So this is something I'm looking forward to discussing with you, but just a quick rundown of what she does and what she has done. So she's the founder and creator of Bio Emotional Healing, and that's a very, very revolutionary method based in neuroscience. And what it's doing is helping all of her clients break free from emotional trauma right into my wheelhouse of things that I'm enjoying right now. So I can't wait to talk to you about that. But she was an elite athlete, a TV and Broadway star, now a brain coach, keynote speaker. So she's done a ton, but she's doing far more now with what she's experienced and working on. And I'm excited to help you out with that. So, my friends, Ashley Delello, welcome.
- [02:27]
B
Thank you. I'm excited to be here.
- [02:29]
A
Well, thanks for coming in and seeing me. I always appreciate when my guests take the time to fly in.
- [02:34]
B
Oh, yeah.
- [02:35]
A
Goes for a much better conversation.
- [02:37]
B
Totally. I mean, we had a great one on Zoom, but, you know, in person is always better.
- [02:41]
A
Yeah, I mean, Zoom is. Zoom is Zoom.
- [02:43]
B
Right, we know it well these days
- [02:46]
A
the only thing I like about Zoom is it's like I can just throw on a tank top and a shirt and just roll right in there and start discussing things.
- [02:54]
B
Right, that's right. But is that is a, a plus
- [02:56]
A
side and curse more. But anyway, so, okay, I brought up the fact that you have had quite the story. I normally don't start the show off into story mode because it just goes right into topics unless there's a real strong basis for everything that we're going to talk about and really shapes what you do and who you are. So I want to get into it because it is inspiring and it is, well, it's a little quite sad, but it's to see where you've come from. From. It is what I really want to culminate with that discussion. So get into a little bit about what all you've gone through because it's pretty significant.
- [03:33]
B
Yeah, it's been a journey, so we'll make it concise. Yeah, but I've been to through two life altering health experiences. So one when I was a teenager and then one in my 30s. So when I was a teenager, I mean, I loved life and I was the epitome of health. I, I started dancing five hours a day when I was seven. In fact, you know, if you're older, you'll know. Remember the Energizer bunny, right, in those commercials? That was my nickname because I just never ran out of energy. And literally overnight, I went from this healthy girl to fighting for my life. No warning signs. I woke up one morning and I had pain in every joint and muscle. I could hardly move. I remember going into my mom's room and doing a very basic ballet plie. And I couldn't even do that. The pain was so excruciating. I was exhausted. And even then though, I thought in my head, well, this is a really bad virus or flu or something. But of course I'm going to get well. You know, never dawned on me that that was the start of a four year journey where I'd be fighting for my life. And we went all over the country. I was tested for about anything you can think of. And an important frame of mind is that this was 29 years ago. So the world was very different. None of this existed. The Internet didn't exist. You know, there's no YouTube, social media, podcasts. So a very, very different world. Yellow Pages, right. And so we were. I was literally tested for anything that they could come up with. And the best they could was that I had a rare viral infection nobody could treat or diagnose. I. I got so sick, my organs were shutting down. I lost a lot of my hair. I was yellow from my liver shutting down. I got to where there were days I couldn't even lift a finger or speak. I know what it like to feel your body shutting down. And one of the most defining moments of my life was when I was at one of the top pediatric hospitals, and the doctor came in and said to me, you need to accept you're not going to live past your teenage years. And I don't know if I can even describe right. I think we've all had these moments where you think, how did my life get here? Like this. This can't be my life, you know, and you feel probably about every human emotion at once. And I remember just looking down, trying to think, what do I do with this information? I mean, I'm 13 years, and I had no idea what. I had no idea how I was going to survive it. But just deep down inside, I just felt like I was created for more than 13 years on this earth. So I took probably the biggest deep breath of my life and looked at this doctor, this expert, and said, I don't accept this. And then they sent in a licensed psychologist to talk to me, to help me come to terms, right? They. They said I was living in denial. And I remember looking at her and saying, listen, I know I'm dying and I'm terrified. I'm terrified. But I also just know that if I just accept that I'm dying, then any chance of survival is gone. So we walked out of that hospital. I didn't know what we were going to treat. Eventually we. We turned to more holistic alternative practices, which back then, you know, there was no functional medicine, no mainstream. It was like, you're going to someone's basement and they're, you know, homeopathic medicine or something. But it was very like, voodoo perspective of, what are you doing? You know, nothing. Like, we understand today. But after two years of literally exhausting everything that existed medically. I mean, I used to go into tests, praying it would come out positive, like for cancer or anything. Like, okay, because then we know what we're treating. We have a plan. Eventually, literally what we did is how do we fuel my immune system to fight this virus? And that's what we did, right? Through food, through nutrition, through supplementation, through homeopathic medicine, through, I mean, Eastern practices. Like. But we don't have everything that we have today, but literally what can we do? And with that is when I really started to understand how powerful the brain is. Because those nights where I was so sick and couldn't speak, couldn't lift a finger, I was afraid to go to sleep. I had some many nights where I was afraid if I surrendered that conscious will to live, that my body wouldn't make it to the morning. And so I would stay awake and I would will my body to keep fighting, to keep living. And I experienced that powerful brain, body connection. And while I was going through this journey, I also saw the opposite. I saw people who were very sick, but less sick than me and essentially talk themselves into dying because of how they thought every day. And the nuance of where you put your focus is everything. So I remember through this journey, what did I want? I did not want to die. Die, okay? But I had this realization every day. I can put all my energy, effort and focus into not dying, which then fear, threat, response. Or I can put every energy, effort and focus into living right? That changes the brain's fear and defense networks into possibility, into problem solving, into capacity. Now I didn't understand any of the mechanics of that back then, but just this innate knowing of where I put my focus determines my body's ability to fight and to heal versus to try to not die. That's so important when you just think of where your focus is. The brain's inherent desire is, this is what I don't want. Focus, fear, threat, run away. And it has to be a conscious, intentional effort to redirect the brain. This is what I do want. And so this is when I, I had no idea my life would take me to working in the brain. When I survived my ill. I spoke about my journey because it was pretty unbelievable to go from that sick to eventually then going back to school, becoming a professional dancer, you know, dancing on shows like so youo Think youk Can Dance, where we're dancing 10, 12 hours a day, doing Broadway, where I'm doing eight intense shows a week, you know, and I had to rebuild from zero before I could dance again. I had to go start strength training back when not a lot of women were strength training because it was my avenue back to dancing. I couldn't even lift a 1 pound weight. I was so atrophied from all those years. So it was like I climbed this mountain. I defied the odds right where I'm literally, I remember being on stages and just like pinching myself like, wow, this is so miraculous. I'm here. Like life can't get Any better, right? Like I am at the top of the mountain. And then I got pushed off and it all started again. And at the height of my professional career, my husband was my partner. I was a Latin ballroom dancer, like you see on Dancing with the Stars. So it was our career too. I had a two year old daughter, which I had told I was, had been told I'd never have kids. So life was really at its pinnacle. And then I had to go in for a second hip surgery because dancing that much does take a toll on your body, like any professional athlete. And it failed and I lost the ability to walk. And it launched my entire body into chronic pain. And it was very deja vu of what I'd gone through earlier. But now I was a mother, I was a wife, you know, my career was also intertwined with my husband's. But at first I thought, okay, I've done this, we can figure this out, right? I'll throw everything in the kitchen sink at this. And I did. At whatever existed out there, I had in line. You know, I had over 200 injections, like prolotherapy, stem cell, PRP, like if it exists, I did it. And two years of that and I wasn't getting better and I was getting worse. And we were about to lose our home because pouring so much money into getting me, well, lost my professional dance career. I had a fitness app as well that now I can't do because I can't work out, can't even lift my own daughter. I can't do any daily tasks. And I'll tell you that I thought nothing could be harder than my illness and dying. But living in debilitating pain, nerve pain in over 10 areas of my body. Sleeping two to three hours at night, can't be hugged. Feel like if someone bumps me wrong, it's like my nerves are on fire. Like feeling like glass that could shatter any moment. Having no relief, that's a hell that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. And I got to my lowest low or one day I looked at my husband and I was like, there's nothing left to try. Like, what are. There's nothing left to try. Like, we've done all of it. And that night I was on my bedroom floor, two in the morning, fetal position, you know, just trying to get through one painful moment to the next. I had for the first time in my life the thought, what if I just stop fighting and give up? And that terrified me because I had been someone who refused to die. I had refused to given up and this broke me down so much that I literally felt like I didn't have anything left to give. And it wasn't just me, it was my family. It's my family going through this. It's my daughter and my husband. And not just financially, but emotionally. Them watching me go through this, you know, it was. It was very painful for everyone. I wasn't able to be the wife I wanted to be, the mother I wanted to be. You know, there's so many layers of how this impacts your life. And as I sat there in the truth of what would it look like to give up, what would that mean for my family? That means I won't ever get well. That means if there is a solution, I'll never find it. And I then thought, well, I'm desperate. If I can't find the answer outside of me, I'm going to create it. And one thing they're all telling me, even though I was diagnosed with over five different chronic pain conditions that have no cure, right. They're lifelong, right. That's why I did this, did the quotation, no cure for those people just listening, they kept saying, well, your nervous system flipped a switch into pain, right? And I thought, well, then I'm going to figure out how to flip it back. And the next morning, which was probably right. Then at 3am I started studying neuroscience and pain science. And I thought, there's, there's got to be a way to rewire it back. And I know to not give up because look at what I've already gone through. But this was this a whole new level of science and neuroscience because especially pain. Pain is so complex, comes from the brain. It's the number one protective mechanism that we're born with. So once the brain gets stuck in pain, it's one of the hardest things to rewire out of because it's innate. We need praying it's protective. People can have a. A rare genetic disorder where they don't feel pain and they live a really short life because they don't have feedback, right? So once the brain gets stuck in pain, it's like I'm doing a really good job of protecting you. Look at all this protection. So that's when I studied all the neuroscience and merged it with my lived experience of not just living through this pain, but what I had gone through earlier and realizing that we have to treat through this biopsychosocial lens of looking at you your whole life, how it's altered your nervous system. And that's when I really realized that even though I Had failed surgery. And they did. They left a hole in my hip capsule that wasn't visible in an mri. There's a lot to that. But yes, my body was reacting to that. But the violent way in which it was reacting to it was also very much driven by its memory of fighting for my life for four years. That tipped it into survival mode on overdrive. And I, I realized that later, where I don't think I ever came out of survival subconsciously because I lived between life and death for four years. I literally was in survival right, day to day. And then I survived. So my brain was like, this is what we need to do. Look at what we did. We defied the odds. We did what no one said was possible. So Ashley's safety is staying in survival. And that way we won't be taken off guard again. Right, because the brain's a predicting machine. But that's where things that come out of nowhere alter the brain hugely because it couldn't prepare, couldn't predict. So I was healthy one day, dying the next day, elite athlete, can't walk in horrible pain. So my brain went, this is where I'm gonna stay. Sending stress hormones, fight or flight. All day long. I gotta be prepared, I gotta predict what's the next shoe to drop. But then that took what I was going through physically to a whole new level. Because my brain wasn't just reacting to today, it was reacting based on my whole history and past. And so to heal, yes, we had to rewire the pain pathways and understand how we do that, But I had to heal deeply. My nervous system that had been impacted since 13 years old. And so that's what my process is. Bio emotional healing. It's a 12 week progressive process to partner with the brain. And not just heal the brain and heal the body, but heal the person. Because that's part of what holds their nervous system stuck. And for me, that came out more in physical pain. And I didn't realize I had all this unresolved trauma around my body. I, I knew we were a team, but deep down, I didn't trust it. It'd been my greatest adversary, if you will, right. My whole life. So I had to heal that as well. But for other people, the alteration to their nervous system comes out in anxiety, depression, ocd, addiction, autoimmune issues, gut issues. There's. There's no one which way in which once those internal alarm bells get stuck to the on position that it can show up. Because it hap. It comes down to the person, their lived experiences, their Vulnerability is based on their genetics and biodiversity, their personality. Like, really driven people tend to have more fight or flight responses. Right. Because they're in the on position. So there's all these things and aspects of the person's life that contribute. And that's what we work through piece by piece through bio emotional healing, while also understanding how do we damper those fear and defense networks in the brain. How do we start to establish more trust to where your brain goes. That was then, this is now. I don't need to protect you like I did then because we're here. All these different pieces that play into why people get stuck by emotional healing works through that piece by piece in a progressive process so we can get free again.
- [17:57]
A
So it's basically like you're stuck in fight versus flight. And I mean, that creates numerous problems, especially stress and sleep related. Right?
- [18:06]
B
Yeah. Breakdown. Right. Because we. And let me just say, because it's such a bad rap, fight or flight's amazing. Yeah. Right. We need it. It's life saving, but not all day and. Right. And that's the thing. It's like, I want to choose. I don't want to live here.
- [18:21]
A
Yeah.
- [18:21]
B
And it's so interesting. And I think people can relate consciously, you know that. And I would have even conversations with my brain like, we don't need to do that. And deep inside my brain's like, yes, we do. Thank you so much. Like, remember, let me go through your history, right? I've got this data bank of memory. Like, remember all this, Ashley? And literally it was like my brain would do that when I would try to be like, we're okay, we're healing. We can be healthy again. And my brain would literally bring up all of these experiences from my past of saying, no, we can't trust no this, we're in the fight for our life again. Like, and we need to stay here because now it's happened twice. And that's where you have to heal deeper to where you restore that proper balance between the rational, cognitive, logical, prefrontal cortex versus the emotional brain. Because when you get stuck in fight or flight and those internal alarm bells go, I need to be on all the time. The emotional brain, the amygdala, they take over and that's where people find themselves. It's like, oh, consciously I, I should be doing this. But when the emotion and the memory is strong enough, the blood flow diverts there and it takes over whether you want it to or not.
- [19:33]
A
So if I come to you and I am struggling with stress and anxiety, and let's just say it's a pretty bad case of it and it's been going on for a long time. That's something that you are trying to train my brain to get out of that stress mode, to stop thinking about, like something traumatic that happened to me, that my mind keeps going back to it or what, whatever. I'm just making this up. But these are some of the steps and stages where instead of giving me a bunch of pharmaceutical drugs, you're actually taking care of it by teaching me or my brain.
- [20:06]
B
Yes.
- [20:07]
A
To stop going back to whatever traumatic event that is reminding me of. This is what's going to happen as soon as you get up in the morning. Because it happened, you know, when you were standing here doing X, Y and Z. Yeah. Right.
- [20:20]
B
So you. Two mechanisms of that when you've gone through something pretty significant. Right. The more emotionally challenging it was, the more life altering it was, the more the brain takes a snapshot and embosses every piece of that neurologically. Right. Because it does that to protect you. Your. Your brain doesn't hate you. Even though I promise I have felt like it's. It burst my brain. Right. But it just is always trying to protect us mentally, emotionally, physically, and it cares almost equally about all of them. Right. The same areas in the brain light up, whether it's a physical trauma or an emotional trauma, and it holds it there to say, I need to remember this to protect you from it happening again or something similar.
- [21:02]
A
I see.
- [21:03]
B
So it's doing it. And that makes sense when you look at that like, yes, remember this so we're prepared. But the byproduct of that is I'm going to remind you of that nonstop. And I'm going to then create stress signals like anxiety to keep you home, to keep you from doing those things, to keep you from relationships, to keep you from going out and pursuing your dream. Because then you're safe. But at least you're safe. Safe, but it thinks it's protecting you, but it's perpetuating the same trauma or the same experiences. But then you have just the reality that the brain gets better at whatever it practices. So the more you practice anxiety, better it gets, the more default that neural pathway becomes. So if you think about it like water flowing down a riverbed, you know, the more the water flows down that riverbed, the larger and wider it becomes. So the water flows that way easier. Right. If you dig a little path, water's not going to go to that little path. It's going to go to the Larger, wider. Right. So that's why people are like, why is my anxiety getting worse? Why do I now have panic attacks? This used to only happen a few times a week. Now it's every day. It's not just that you are now damned and this is your life. And that's kind of the mentality we have is like, well, now you can manage it. Like, it's only downhill from here. It's that your brain has built these stronger, wider, larger neural pathways that have now become the default. It can activate it easier. It therefore also gets worse and it's more sensitive. Right. So you're triggered more easily. That's not just because now this is who you are. It's because the brain is. Has learned it. Right. So with both of those into play, and obviously there's other aspects, but just to simplify it, part of the process is first you have to process out that trauma. A lot of people have thought about it, but that's very different than processing it through your nervous system and your body, processing the wounds, and then really getting to the place of, well, what was the wisdom? The growth the brain has to have meaning. That's a big part of the process is getting to release, to move through it. Because as long as that's anchored in you still, then the brain has that as a reference point to pull you back into those stress responses.
- [23:28]
A
A lot of these things. And over the years, it's gotten worse. I think, with treating people with drugs for it, instead are the drugs that are used for, like, since we're on anxiety. And then I want to get into some things with, like, addiction and stuff and see how they correlate. But these drugs where you would be told, oh, you have a chemical imbalance or your serotonin levels are off, is that accurate or not? And how do those drugs actually. Do those drugs really work, in your view?
- [23:57]
B
Well, and I think. I think what's important, like, anything, there's no one size fits all.
- [24:02]
A
Yeah.
- [24:03]
B
And I think what we've done is made it more one size fits all.
- [24:07]
A
Yeah.
- [24:08]
B
I go in and I'm like, I'm depressed or I'm feeling anxious. And it's like, well, we need to put you on medication.
- [24:13]
A
Yeah. Too much.
- [24:15]
B
So are there people out there who have some chemical imbalances? Yeah. Right. Are there people who have a more vulnerability to it? Yes. Right. Some people have a more vulnerability to gut issues. But also more and more studies are showing genetics is like, this much of the puzzle.
- [24:33]
A
Yeah. It's an excuse, I think.
- [24:34]
B
Right.
- [24:34]
A
Sorry. It's a crutch.
- [24:35]
B
No, I mean it. Right. Like, okay, my family has gut issues. Okay, well, that's a vulnerability.
- [24:42]
A
I was gonna say maybe more prone to it.
- [24:44]
B
That's what I mean. Maybe you'. Prone.
- [24:47]
A
So don't feed the fire.
- [24:48]
B
That's right. And I think a lot of that has happened with mental health and emotional health. If you grow up in a home with your parents or siblings, and you're constantly talking about, again, your brain is learning through input. And I just think with society, we've lost emotional resilience to where I'm anxious. Well, of course you are. You're a human. Right. Like, if you're doing something new, if you're trying out for a team, if you got a test, if you are feeling vulnerable in a relationship, if you have to have a tough conversation, like, life is gonna create some fear. It's just everything's been put under this anxiety umbrella where I'm like, oh, this matters to you. So you're feeling some angst around it because you want it to turn out good. So I think with this, we have stripped away what it is to be human, to do hard things, to grow. And so I think so many have been conditioned to. When I feel anxious, I have anxiety.
- [25:46]
A
Yeah.
- [25:47]
B
Right. And again then, now you're telling your brain, this is my identity. One of the strongest mechanism mechanisms in the brain is to hold you in alignment with who you say you are.
- [25:57]
A
Yeah.
- [25:58]
B
So now the brain is like, I create anxiety. Right. And so then the problem with this is one size fits all. Even when I was really sick as a teenager, and it's gotten way worse, and obviously I was going through hell, I lost the ability to do what I loved. My teenage years were spent in hospital beds fighting for my life. I couldn't go to school. I couldn't be with friends. Like, it was so hard. It's hard at any age, Right? But I had to grow up instantaneously, and doctors would try to push me, push antidepressants on me. And I remember being there, and I'm glad I was born stubborn and a fighter because I'm like, what about our conversation tells you I'm depressed? Do I have days where I am so sad? Absolutely. Are you kidding me? My whole life was taken from me, and my life is so hard. My friends don't know what to do with your dying friend after it keeps going on. I'm so isolated. I'm scared. But having all those emotions come in and out is different than being depressed. Yeah. No. Do I Have moments of feeling depressed? Of course. Do I have moments of being afraid? Absolutely. Do I have every other emotion? Yes. But that is part of the human experience when you live and go through really hard stuff. But we've become so attached to these emotions that then now define who we are. And then, yes, we do a one size kind of fits all. We're not treating the person of. Hey, what. What was going on in your life when you started feeling anxious? Like, I had a. I had a male client come to me diagnosed with bipolar, right? Diagnosed with chronic depression, which, by the way, I hate how much we use the word chronic. Which. Okay, well, just first and foremost, everything to the brain comes down to meaning, okay? Meaning is everything. When you say chronic, you say never ending forever. It's a horrible chronic inflammation, chronic fatigue, chronic pain, chronic anxiety, chronic depression. You are literally already programming the person in their brain to never get well, even in the functional health. Chronic Epstein Barr, chronic Lyme. It's like, stop using that word because
- [28:10]
A
it's exactly what it presents.
- [28:12]
B
That's right.
- [28:13]
A
It's not going away.
- [28:14]
B
It's not going away. And in some ways, that's worse for people than a cancer diagnosis of. They're like, well, I can go in remission. No, I've just been told, this is you. This is your life. So he came to me, chronic depression, bipolar. And I looked at him and I'm like, so when did this start? Okay? And he's like, well, around 17. Okay, well, what was going on in your life? Well, I had a huge breakup. I broke up with my band. You know, goes through all these things, and I'm like, so you didn't feel this way prior. You went through all this hard stuff. What did you start thinking through that? Well, I'm not lovable, right? Because went through a hard breakup. No one loves me. I lost my band. I'm not talented. I have no worth. What does my future look like? I looked at him and I said, do you think you're depressed, or do you think you went through some really hard crap? You started thinking very depressing thoughts, which altered your neurochemistry, because that's what thoughts do. And then they create an emotional state of depression because everything you're speaking is hopelessness. That's going to create an internal chemistry that's depressed, right? Well, what if we actually start to treat you as the person? Let's process out and work through the impact of what you went through, and let's start taking radical responsibility of what you're thinking every day. And Then let's start doing some things to start to bring some hope and possibility back to you. And then, yes, let's go through this process of how to rewire and how to turn down those fear and defense networks that are now amplified. It. And practices that put those open social networks back, which are hope, which are possibility, which are connection, and amazing. You know, he could change his life. So. But do you see how that's what I mean, where we're missing, like, well, you weren't born depressed. You weren't born anxious. I wasn't born with chronic pain. I've lived a life and experiences have accumulated and altered. And because the brain has a storage of all of that, it's taking all of it into account. And that's why sometimes people survive. They do really good. They go through hard things, and you're like, man, I got through that. And then another hard thing comes and another, and it accumulates. Then all of a sudden, you're tipped over the edge. All of a sudden, I have autoimmune. All of a sudden I'm having panic attacks. No, it's not all of a sudden to your brain. So let's not now say, oh, this is who you are. Sorry, too bad. Like, I was literally told, it's downhill from here. No, why don't we actually look at you as a person and understand that whatever the brain has learned, it can unlearn and learn something new. Like, it is plastic. It is not fixed. And the human spirit is so much greater than we're also giving it credit for.
- [30:58]
A
I agree. I try. Sometimes when I have issues, whether it's mental or stuff with eating or whatever, and I'll say to myself, man, and I shouldn't say this, but you were normal before, you know, and I was. But I'll remember.
- [31:11]
B
Yeah.
- [31:12]
A
And then I'll think back and I'll go, well, what. What. What the hell happened? And how was I before and what was I thinking and what was I doing and where was my mind at? What was taking my mind off? What was keeping me occupied? What. What got me through? And when did this even start? Like, what caused it? What made me think this? I'm not great at it, but there's just steps that I've done personally at times when I'm like, what the is wrong with you? You know, because I'm a realist to myself. I don't put myself into this. Like, you know, how society will do this stuff to or. Or whatever, your parents or whoever. Yeah, well, no, I go, man, what the what happened to you? Like, what the hell is wrong with you and why? I don't look for excuses, you know,
- [31:51]
B
Because I think you look for reason.
- [31:52]
A
Yes, I look for the reason.
- [31:54]
B
And that's different.
- [31:55]
A
Yeah. I think when you look for the excuse, you're already screwed from the start because then you're creating an environment for yourself which is a no win situation because you're going to justify every single thing that went on. I'm probably the opposite spectrum where I, I am too hard on myself.
- [32:09]
B
Yeah.
- [32:09]
A
So there needs to be an in between. But I would rather be too hard on myself than being, you know, unaccountable and reliant on a crutch about everything. Because then you're really stuck.
- [32:19]
B
Yeah.
- [32:20]
A
I mean, you can probably treat somebody better that's just hard on themselves as opposed to somebody that's looking for every excuse under the book.
- [32:26]
B
Well, in truthfulness, those are the only clients I can't take though.
- [32:31]
A
Oh.
- [32:32]
B
If you're in a victim mentality, then I can't help you because that is such a powerful lens that overrides everything else. And my process to change the brain is an inside out process.
- [32:45]
A
Right.
- [32:46]
B
So you have to obviously want it, but you have to be willing to do the work to get there. And it's not always easy. It's. It's a non linear journey. There's amazing days, hard days, but if you keep coming back to that victim mindset, then you won't do the work and you won't take responsibility for what you can do. Because let me be clear. Everyone is a victim in one way or the other. Right. Like, I didn't choose to be sick. I freaking loved life. And I got a virus that took away my life. Right. So that happened to me. Right. I could say that. Right. That wasn't fair. And then I didn't choose that a surgery would totally take my whole life again and take away my ability to have more kids and launch my whole life into hell. Right. That, yes, I made the choice to have the surgery, but that happened to me. Right. Okay, we've all had things happen that we didn't choose. Now we also have made choices, but we've all had stuff. Maybe you didn't choose your parents, like we all have that, but what we have to do is say, but now it's my responsibility to do what I can with what happened to change it. And if you are so stuck in victim mentality, you will never take enough radical responsibility to change it. You'll want to keep blaming and you Won't say, yep, yep, they did that. Or that happened. And this is what I'm doing. And this impacted me. Yes. Oh my gosh, I have compassion for myself, but what am I going to do now to rise above this? Because I don't want it to hold me there the rest of my life. So the, the victim lens is, is one of the, is the most detrimental lens to you ever, healing or changing your life. And your nervous system will never get that hyper vigilance, hypersensitivity over protection if you stay there. And that's why it's so pervasive now. It's almost pushed and told people, oh, poor you. Listen, I have been through so much hell in my life. I have so much compassion for suffering and for your life changing and being at the depths of despair. I know what that is like. And it wasn't, it was years. And I know that we have the ability to rise and overcome. I tell my clients and I, I've had clients who were sexually abused their whole life from their parents. You know what I mean? Like, talk about messed up shit. Yes. People who've gone through so much hard stuff and still they're there going, I want to overcome this, I want to heal this. People who've gone through unbelievable health challenges, like me, you know, people have gone through hard stuff and always tell them, like, I will sit here and cry with you, but I will not stay here with you because inevitably I'm going to put my hand out and say, okay, time to rise. Because we can turn this pain into purpose. We can turn these wounds into wisdom. You can be greater than what broke you. And believe me, I've been broken, but I rebuilt.
- [35:49]
A
Yeah, but the people that really want to do it can.
- [35:52]
B
Yes, I can.
- [35:53]
A
People that are looking for an excuse all the time, I would argue they really don't want to fix it. And they may not on the surface, but internally, somewhere inside, they want to have the problem. And the. Even if it's negative attention, it's attention, and it may have been attention they were lacking, that they desire, they feel, that they need. But that all correlates into a little ball of woe is me. Now everybody's listening to me or looking at me. And in reality, you're. You're on a path of nothingness.
- [36:21]
B
Yeah. It becomes your identity.
- [36:23]
A
Yeah.
- [36:24]
B
And I've even, I'll pose that question to clients like, what happens if you become. Well.
- [36:28]
A
Yeah.
- [36:29]
B
Well, then I have to be reliable. I have to go back to work. I have to say, I have to Take responsibility for my actions. Like, I want to blame. Oh, I'm traumatized, right? And. And they'll be like, oh, wow. Like, so it's not always conscious, but there's a subconscious hold of, if I stay here, I don't have to do X, Y, and Z. I instill blame. I. There's a real rising up of, like, radical ownership, responsibility that. That is required and a shedding of your identity. Even for myself, most of my life, I wore a necklace that said fighter on it because I am a fighter, obviously. And I. And I will. In healing, I realized I don't want to fight all the time. I want to access it when needed, but I don't want my whole identity to be. I'm a fighter. Because then my brain will be like, okay, what do we need to fight? Let me. Let me create something, because that's your identity. Even for me, I had to unravel pieces of my identity that had been formed by what I had gone through, that saved my life once but wasn't serving me now. So there's a lot of ego lowering. Like, honestly, it was really because I'm such a fighter and determined. For me to sit in the truth of how much my illness had altered me emotionally was really hard. Cause it was like, no, I. I survived that. For me to be truthful and be like, I have PTSD around my body, I do, and for good reason, with everything I've gone through, but I literally have a trauma response to the thing I live in. That's not fair, right? I'm like, well, I've not only had to fight physically, but now I have to heal this, right? And does that make me weak? No, it makes me human. I have. I look at what I've gone through. So that's where the compassion piece is so important. Because when I was sick, I did not have that. I wouldn't let myself cry because I'm like, nope, we gotta survive. We gotta be tough. And granted, I felt like I had limited resources, right? Energetically, it was like, I can cry or I can fight today, and I'm gonna fight. But I had to later process that because it was a part of what was keeping my nervous system in stress all the time. So all of us in the evolving, transforming healing process have to look at the wounds and how we've been impacted and lay our ego aside and be like, okay, no matter how tough I am, no matter how strong, determined, faithful, optimistic. Well, this is also part of who I am based on what I've gone through and I gotta look at that and I gotta own it and I gotta heal it and I gotta transform it. And that's also hard for people sometimes to do. And like I said, it was. It was hard for me, me to really sit in the truth of the darker side, the wounded side, and not just the heroic fighter side, and understand that it didn't make me any less strong or resilient. It just made me human. I'm not a robot. And the law of life is contrast. Right. So to really know courage, you've sat in fear. Oh, yeah. Right.
- [39:35]
A
Oh, yeah.
- [39:36]
B
It's like, well, I want to be courageous. Well, you don't get to. In the absence of fear. And I don't get to have unbelievable gratitude if I haven't also felt just absolute despair.
- [39:44]
A
Right, right. Have to. That's why it's all there.
- [39:46]
B
That's why it's all there. So there's a part of really acknowledging having compassion with. With that and owning it too. Like the amazing sides of you and the wounded, dark sides of you. And that's how we can fully transform. Because we're not trying to hide something, even if we didn't choose it. It just happened as a byproduct of our life.
- [40:09]
A
Well, you can't bring use the term resilient without something bad happening. What are you resilient on?
- [40:14]
B
That's right.
- [40:15]
A
Well, I mean, where does the word come from? It requires something to happen to cause you to be resilient. Right. So to have such a great trait, well, you had to be losing and come from behind at a game or go through what you went through or, you know, have this injury that you recovered from miraculously and came back strong or whatever. It doesn't matter. It has to come from something bad.
- [40:36]
B
Bad.
- [40:36]
A
It's true. So these beautiful terms, I mean, people forget where they come from and how. Even love. I mean, how. Yeah, how would you even know what that is? You wouldn't if there wasn't an alternative.
- [40:47]
B
That's right.
- [40:47]
A
You wouldn't know what it felt like. So people forget that. That some of the most beautiful things that we have. There has to be a negative and bad side to even know what that even is.
- [40:56]
B
That's very true. And to appreciate it and to recognize it, you know, and I do want to touch on when you said love and where you said where you were, because I think we've swung the pendulum too far and we have to find this middle ground. I think once upon a time, you know, we weren't allowed to talk emotions. We Weren't allowed. It was just like, buckle up buttercup.
- [41:15]
A
One extreme to the other, you know,
- [41:16]
B
which again, that served us in our own right. And we've lost too much of that, of resiliency. And you can do hard things and I know that broke you, but you can be rebuilt. And like, you don't have to be defined by that. Right. So if you understand the roots of like, like I believe you're stronger than what has happened to you.
- [41:35]
A
Yeah.
- [41:36]
B
Amazing. All great people you admire embodied that. Right. But then sometimes there was no compassion or love. And that's where some people now have a trauma response of like, it was just like, do as I say. And nobody listened to me. And I was again such a driven person that it really did transfer to perfectionism. Because in truth, I felt like I had to be perfect to survive. Like perfect patient, perfect faith, perfect adherence to my protocols because no one told me I'd make it. So it made sense. I was like, I will be perfect and I will overcome this. But what goes alongside with that usually is harsh self criticism. Right? Guilting, blame, never enoughness, like tearing yourself down. And I was very good at that. You know, if you're going to be good at anything, you just got to be the best. Right? So I was really, really good at that. That and that was part of my healing process. Because I, when I, I think when you know the neuroscience, it can help you understand its importance versus just like, hey, love yourself. It's like blah, blah, blah. Yeah, you know, but neuroimaging has shown when we're harshly self critical, the brain's threat response areas light up as if there's a threat in that environment that sends stress hormones to the body.
- [42:47]
A
I gotta tone the down.
- [42:49]
B
Yep. Okay, this is why I want to talk about this. Because you and it's very common. Yeah, it's very common. When that happens though, your neural synapses in your brain lock up. That's where information is exchanged. That means you're not really able to process and integrate new information. So when you're harshly, self critical, blame, guilt, shame. Now I'm not saying feeling guilt is a good emotion to feel that says, oh man, I didn't do right, I made a wrong decision, I didn't treat them well. But that shame, when it goes to shame, I'm a horrible person, I have no worth, I'm nothing. That's not helpful. Right. Guilt informs us, I want to be better, do better. But when we do that to that harsh, we deride ourselves down, we're locking up those neural synapses. And when we're shaming, guilting so critically, the thing we want to change, we're actually locking up our brain from being able to. To change it. And that's where you see, like, addiction is one of those scenarios that. That shame and guilt. But why can't I stop? So when you recognize that this is when you need to look at yourself, as we often do with another human, with some compassion and grace and, okay, why am I here? So not. You're nothing. You're broken. I'm defeated. I'll never get better. But why am I here? Okay, let me. I tell my clients, make a list of every significant event you've gone through in your life. Even doing that, they're like, they start to access a little compassion. Seeing it on paper. Wow. Yeah, maybe I have been impacted. Okay. All right. Now, I can understand that these have all worked together to alter me, impact me. Okay? But it doesn't serve me to stay here. So I love myself enough to want more and greater. So when I make mistakes, when I do my stress responses, I'm going to have compassion, but then I'm also going to love myself enough to access that. You can be better than this. You are stronger than this. You are a human soul and spirit. There's. There's the compassionate love that moves to the tough love. Does that make sense? And I think we've gotten too stuck and we end in the compassionate love.
- [44:58]
A
It's too much.
- [44:59]
B
It's too much. But it's not from that place of, wow, you're a human. You've gone through hard stuff. It's like, oh, poor is me. It's not my fault.
- [45:07]
A
I feel like that, like, for somebody like me, that hardened me towards people where then I did not have the compassion, which is one of the things I pray for now because I'm like, got so accustomed to everybody being what I would term weak because they just didn't. Couldn't handle anything.
- [45:22]
B
Right.
- [45:23]
A
And so for me, just on a personal thing, it's just been like a journey to, like, okay, just be a little bit more. A little bit more so tough and understand, but and also still be who you are at the same time, because, you know, know we're similar in age. And the way I was trained through all of athletics and sports and just life in general, it was never to not have compassion, never. But it was also, you better put your head down and go and stop making excuses. Stop blaming it on everybody else.
- [45:51]
B
Right?
- [45:51]
A
Be tough when you need to be. You Know, I, I would much more prefer and always did, to have a coach yell at me because I know they cared, or to jump on me or to even as much as it sucked at the time, I appreciate it now to have like my mom or dad come down on me because it taught me now how to work for myself, to stay more disciplined in what I do as opposed to me getting away with everything whenever I wanted to.
- [46:19]
B
That's the key is the understanding of what is driving that. Like if I can share a quick example. And I'm so glad I understood the brain because I probably would have parented my daughter different because I'm the mom and I'm the nurturer. And my daughter was two years old when I lost the ability to walk. And I went through all that hell. And as much as I tried to protect her, she saw me go through hell. She couldn't hug mommy, I couldn't hold her. She saw me crying in horrible pain that obviously her brain was taking this in. I tried my best, but when she turned about seven, it seemed to start showing up. She didn't want to leave me. She started to not want to do things she loved like play with friends and go to dance. And so in her seven year old mind, which was limited, I tried to first have compassion and love and care. Let's talk about this. What's going on? Because these are things you love, right? A few months ago, you know, and are we noticing this is getting worse? Let's talk about this. Are. Are you worried about leaving Mommy? So we talked about it. That's the compassionate love. That's. Let's understand this. Not just get tough, go. What's wrong with you? Let's understand this. But then she wasn't coming out of it. So I knowing that this was just a delayed trauma response, her brain was getting stuck in fear. And I knew the more it practiced it, the more it was gonna get solidified. And before I'd know it, I'd have a daughter with high anxiety who didn't wanna do anything. So she had these cute little pigtails, she's seven. Okay. And I'm taking deep breaths and I'm driving her to the dance studio. And I thought we were gonna be able to get out and she won't. And she starts, starts sobbing. And I'm her mother, I want to protect her. And I looked at her and I said, sophia, I love you enough to know that if we let this fear continue to win, then it's going to be in control the rest of your Life. And mommy doesn't want you to have fear like this. I want you to learn you can overcome it. So I love you enough that we are not leaving until you get out of the car and go into dance. My cute little pigtailed seven year old. Sobbing Can I tell you how much that took for me? Because I just wanted to hold her, protect her, take her home, you know, as the, the mom. But I knew this was so important for her development.
- [48:31]
A
Yeah.
- [48:32]
B
And she knew I was serious, but she knew it was because I loved her. And we sat there and she sobbed. And then I saw her square her shoulder, wipe her tears, get out of the car and go in the studio. And I kid you not, from that day forward, she was a different child. And she is the most gregarious, bold, stand up for what is right. Confident, but kind and compassionate human. But that moment could have gone so different. And if I didn't understand what I did, I would hope I'd still do that. I think I could have a very anxious child who has talents and loves, but is too afraid to pursue them, who goes with the crowd because she doesn't want to stand up for what she thinks is right. And this is what I mean. We have experiences that then can alter us, that if we don't, then go. I love myself enough to not let this define the rest of my life. And I've done that to myself. I've gotten, when I have felt so defeated and broken, I've gotten in front of the mirror like literally, not figuratively, literally, like gone in my own face, be like, like, you can do this one day at a time, Ashley. One day at a time, one minute at a time. But we are never going to quit on a hard day. And like, I know you are exhausted, broken, defeated, but one day at a
- [49:49]
A
time, we're rebuilding the personal pep talk eye to eye with only yourself. Absolutely works. And I, I do it. Sometimes it's in prayer, sometimes it's just. Listen, you need to just stop and look at yourself and ask yourself the reason behind this and, and just tell yourself like, no, not today. I've done that several times. Like, no, I'm not doing it. And I'll make. It's like an argument within yourself.
- [50:11]
B
Right.
- [50:11]
A
But I come out pretty damn good after some of those conversations because then I'm like, okay, all right.
- [50:17]
B
Yeah.
- [50:17]
A
You know, you're not crazy. You're just, you're trying to take control.
- [50:21]
B
Yeah. And studies have shown even like, people are like, oh my gosh, I can't. I Don't know if I can do this. But studies have shown even if you use the language, you. Because now you're like a coach, it's can be even more powerful. Right. You can do this because if you think of that power from a coach, like, like, yeah, I'm being hard on you because I know you can be greater. Like, I know it's possible. So that's if you can take that role of you can do this. I mean, how different is that than you can't do this? It's like I tell my clients, you've been talking to yourself your whole life. We all do. But it's just been in defeat and fear that it feels weird to actually encourage and cheerlead yourself on.
- [51:02]
A
Do it up here all day.
- [51:03]
B
But you're doing it already. We all self talk, talk. It's just you're now taking ownership of it.
- [51:10]
A
Yeah.
- [51:10]
B
You're not letting your brain do it based on your past and fears and protection. You're now not having your brain talk to you. You're talking to your brain.
- [51:19]
A
Well, what the hell are you doing when you're thinking stuff all day.
- [51:21]
B
That's right.
- [51:21]
A
Talking to yourself.
- [51:22]
B
Right. But now you're just really going, okay, what am I thinking? And is that moving me towards what I want or what I don't? And just with everything we've talked about, I want to emphasize with the diagnosis, like you asked, past depression, anxiety or anything like, oh, you're an addict. Oh, you're in prison, like, because that could identify you the rest of your life. And may I just say, probably one of my favorite speeches I've ever given was to a group of people who were reforming from being in prison.
- [51:47]
A
Really?
- [51:48]
B
I can't even tell you. It was so amazing because these were people who'd gone through hard stuff, done bad things, you know, made bad mistakes, but they were so willing to change and wanting and stripping their identity away from what otherwise could define their whole life.
- [52:05]
A
I look at it like a couple of years of college.
- [52:08]
B
Yeah.
- [52:08]
A
It's a couple of years of training. It's just that's all it is. Well, that's how I look at it. I mean, people look at it however they want and judge whoever you want. I just don't give a shit. I care about what I got out of it. What you say or they say or anything. I don't care. Yeah. What did I learn and what did I become?
- [52:24]
B
Well, yeah. And who have you ever met anyone great. Who hasn't been through something? Right. So. But you had to change your identity. I had to change my identity. That's why I want to talk to everyone listening. We all have embedded identities and, and there's, it's multifaceted. But I just want you to think about what you continue to speak about who you are. Even I'm always anxious or I have to be perfect or I have to do everything myself or there's never enough time or I can't trust anyone, right? I just want you to think of all this that starts to form your identity. Because your identity creates this mental le which then tells your brain what do you, what do I predict, what do I prioritize and what do I focus on? Because your brain does not react to the world. It reacts to who you are in the world, who you believe you are in the world. So if you keep saying these things like I just said, or you even identify as being anxious or depressed or your body is broken, then your brain will predict more stress, more pressure, and more threat before anything even happens. So your identity is constantly under towing a fight or flight response. If you're speaking all of these stress and threat responses to your brain about who you are or what you do, right? If I, if you were even saying I'm a criminal, right? This is who I am that is informing your system what to do. Your brain's predicting now what you should do will do how people will perceive you, right? It's creating neural pathways ahead of time. So what you speak will greatly determine the stress and pressure you feel ahead of time. But if you start shifting your identity to not just and whatever that is, but I'm strong, I can grow, I can learn. I have unlimited potential. Rather than predicting threat and stress, your brain now predicts capacity, problem solving. It creates completely different neural pathways. So now your brain perceives differently, predicts differently, and it even regulates differently. Like everyone's, like, I want to regulate my nervous system, regulate my nervous system. Well, look at what your identity is. Because no matter what you do with cold plunge, and I love all these things, breath, work, meditation, groundwork, sunshine, if your identity is, is creating a stress response, then your nervous system will always be dysregulated. You've got to look at all of these things, of what has formed who you are that is contributing to why you now feel stuck and stressed. And we can change this and work through it and dismantle it. I know. And that's why I'm so passionate, because I'm not here to inspire. I actually know how to show you exactly what I did right because there's amazing stories, but then we always make ourselves the exception.
- [55:15]
A
I know, I know, I know. I see it all the time. So I can't believe we're up already. So thank you so much for all of that because it's super insightful, super helpful, and is enlightening, inspiring, encouraging. All of the above. Everything I said beforehand, but way more so when you hear it direct. So to actually follow, you tell that. But then also where people can come and work with you. And I'll put everything into the description so that it's easy to find.
- [55:42]
B
Yeah, my name will be there and. Cause it's not easy to spell. But my social media and my website is my name, Ashley Delello. My process is bio emotional healing. But on my website, you can download a free brain body blueprint that actually gives you steps to start doing. Cause I think that's what we really want. Not just learning, but steps. But then you can also watch a free training on the brain that goes even more in depth. And then if you're like, man, I've done everything. Cause that's usually where my clients are. They're like, I've done all these things and I'm still not well. I'm still struggling. Like, promise you, you are not beyond hope. Then you can schedule a consultation and we have a consult, a free consult to make sure it's the right fit for us both. And then we dive in and do the work and you're free.
- [56:27]
A
Awesome.
- [56:28]
B
Right?
- [56:28]
A
I love it. Well, I would encourage people to. You think that you have anything going on that is probably worse than you think too, especially because we do that a lot to come and talk to you and just see what happens. But I think think that it's a pretty good indication a lot of times when something's off and you think you've done everything for your fitness, your eating, whatever it may be, something's not right up here. So anyway, thank you so much for coming and seeing me and for doing this and for sharing all of this. And it's been more than beneficial and it's greatly appreciated.
- [57:01]
B
Great time.
- [57:02]
A
Awesome. All right, everybody. Well, that wraps up another one, so stay tuned for plenty more to come. Dylan Gemelli signing off.