Artificial Intimacy

Summary

The Good Sex Project
Episode: Artificial Intimacy (June 9, 2026)
Host: Melody Thomas
Podcast by Popsock Media

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Episode Overview

This insightful episode explores the collision of artificial intelligence (AI) and human intimacy, focusing on how AI is reshaping sex, dating, self-discovery, and relationships in the modern world. Through candid conversations with guests Helen and Rob, host Melody Thomas examines the realities of using AI chatbots in dating, sexual exploration, and personal growth, as well as the wider implications for the ways we connect, communicate vulnerability, and navigate emotional realities.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. AI’s Incursion into Personal Life

• From detecting extra fingers in AI images just years ago, we're now at a point where AI can generate human-like faces and interact with us in highly personal ways. (Melody, 04:12)
• AI isn’t just a workplace tool—it's now suggesting dating profile edits, breaking up for you, analyzing sexual data, creating deepfake nudes, and simulating companionship.

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2. Guest Spotlight: Helen—AI Hacking the Dating Experience

Helen’s Journey Back to Dating

• After a tough breakup, Helen returned to dating apps after a decade away, noting their new "gamified" nature (08:09).
• “I feel now it’s been gamified.” (Helen, 07:56)

Leveraging AI for Profiles and Messaging

• Helen has been paying for AI tools, integrating them deeply into her life for university, work, and now dating.
  • “Rewrite this email to make it less passive aggressive...” (Helen, 06:39)
• Used AI to:
  • Select and order her profile photos, surprising her by recommending a makeup-free beach selfie as her 'hero shot' (09:15).
  • Draft hinge prompts—some cringey, some insightful.
    • “The way to win me over is to be generous with your attention and emotionally fluent enough to talk about it. Also touch my lower back in public.” (AI Chatbot, 10:36)

Understanding & Beating the Algorithm

• Suspected and confirmed via chatbot that dating apps use hidden desirability scores and manipulate what profiles users see to maximize engagement and profit (12:26–14:08, with genealogy tracing back to Tinder’s “ELO rating” system).
• AI chatbot coached her on how not to doom-scroll, how to maximize matches, and to "train the algorithm" by acting like a high-engagement, responsive user (14:12–15:55).
  • “Don’t swipe much on the first day... Upload great photos and wait.” (AI Chatbot, 15:03)
  • “Always with a comment.” (AI Chatbot, 15:33)

Results and Dilemmas

• Helen’s tweaks quickly resulted in “lower quantity, higher quality” matches (11:24).
  • “I did that and it worked. It worked so well.” (Helen, 15:55)
• Overwhelmed by too many matches, Helen used AI to analyze her chat threads—asking it to rank men based on effort, emotional maturity, etc., resulting in an analytical, callous-seeming “strategic rotation plan” (29:36–31:13).
  • Notable: “Three out of ten shows some effort logistically. No sign of emotional investment.” (AI Chatbot, 30:35)
  • AI’s suggestion: “Would you like to explore who to keep in rotation and for what purpose?” (AI Chatbot, 31:20)
• Helen was both helped and unsettled by AI's callous language and analysis. She even asked the bot to analyze her, prompting a “brutal” but accurate self-assessment:
  • “You don’t date men. You test them... Love in a fortress. It requires exposure.” (AI Chatbot, 32:59)

Reflection & Outcome

• The process prompted Helen to take a break and re-evaluate her motives. She eventually found a new partner using more “human” engagement, and says she wouldn’t use AI for her relationships in this way again. (34:27–34:52)
  • “If I have to ask GPT a question about my relationship, I should end it...” (Helen, 34:27)

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3. Guest Spotlight: Rob—AI as a Tool for Sexual Exploration

Introductions and Context

• Rob, a married father in the US Midwest, uses AI for erotic texting and sexual fantasy, not romantic companionship (19:01).
• He describes deep love and communication with his wife—she is aware of his AI usage and is part of honest discussions around sexuality (19:19).

Experience with AI for Sexual Fantasy

• Rob uses Bloom Stories, a platform offering interactive, AI-enabled audio and text erotica (23:06).
• AI allows unique, customizable engagement compared to standard porn—tailoring scripts, dialogue, and roles to his preferences:
  • “With AI it’s just like, you know what, whatever… this is what we’re gonna do today.” (Rob, 25:39)
• Discovery: AI interactions led Rob to realize he’s a “switch” in BDSM, helping him articulate new aspects of his sexuality (25:08–25:22).

Boundary-Expanding, Safe Exploration

• Explores kinks and roles (e.g., “Daddy”), things he might not otherwise try, or feel confident requesting in person (25:39).
• “There are things now that I ask for or tell my wife that… I would have been like, oh, geez, I don’t know if I’m going to say that.” (Rob, 28:09)
• Emphasizes potential for AI to facilitate honest discussion in relationships, especially for those unable to explore certain dimensions for real (e.g., bisexuality in monogamy, 28:48).

Privacy, Consent, and Platform Safety

• Rob stresses data protection and platform transparency (37:18).
  • “This is a sensitive space… how that data is used is really important.” (Rob, 37:18)
• Praises platforms building in safe boundaries and consent (“bots” on Bloom will push back if a scenario involves non-consent, even though it’s simulated, 37:53).

Human Connection & Limitations

• Melody reiterates the difference between interacting with AI and genuine human connection (35:39–35:52).
• Rob affirms: when AI stays in the realm of fantasy and masturbation, risk of emotional confusion is low, but if AI engagement spills into surrogate companionship, things get murkier (38:41).

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4. Wider Implications and Ethical Reflection

• AI is becoming an embedded part of dating app infrastructure, blurring the line between authenticity and automation in romantic communication.
• Melody voices concern about the implications: “At what point do all the dating DMs turn into bots talking to bots without a human in sight?” (35:15)
• Helen notes growing disillusionment but accepts that, for adults with busy lives, apps (and thus AI) fulfill a needed role (35:39).

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• “When I saw that, I thought, damn, the machine’s getting good.” (Helen, re: AI dating prompt, 10:52)
• “I admittedly, after this, I did feel a shit human being... ranking, meaning and, you know, understanding who was the dullard and who was the placeholder.” (Helen, 32:39)
• “You are unfindable in your current form.” (AI Chatbot analyzing Helen, 32:59)
• “It’s not very often when you’re 40 years old that you learn something new about yourself in that kind of really conscious way.” (Rob, 26:44)
• “The most powerful sex toy, I guess, is your imagination.” (Rob, 23:06)
• “Companies tell us, like, oh, you can have a relationship with this thing and it’s the same as a human relationship … We know that’s not true.” (Dr. Rebecca Saunders, 39:55)
• “Why are we so disconnected?” (Dr. Saunders and Rob, 40:21/40:34)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [04:12] - Melody’s introduction to the reach of AI in the intimate sphere
• [06:39] - Helen describes deep integration of AI in daily life
• [09:04] - AI builds Helen’s dating profile
• [11:24] - Results of AI-guided profile tweaks
• [14:12] - Chatbot’s advice to hack Hinge’s algorithm
• [16:45] - Success from implementing AI strategy; group chat confirms new quality of matches
• [29:36] - Helen uploads chat threads for AI analysis/ranking
• [32:59] - AI offers raw feedback on Helen’s dating patterns
• [34:27] - “If I have to ask GPT a question about my relationship, I should end it…”
• [19:01] - Rob introduces his context and use of AI for sexual exploration
• [25:08] - Rob's self-discovery as a "switch" through AI interaction
• [28:09] - AI aiding real life sexual communication
• [37:18] - Warning about data safety in sexual AI platforms
• [39:55] - Dr. Saunders on the impossibility of authentic AI substitutes for human connection
• [40:21/40:34] - Dr. Saunders and Rob echo concerns of disconnection in relationships

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Tone & Style

The episode blends humor, candor, and self-deprecation with analytical depth. Guest stories—open, often vulnerable—are balanced by Melody’s reflections, acknowledgments of discomfort, and thoughtful ethical inquiry. There's a thread of technological skepticism, but also curiosity, hope, and pragmatism about AI’s potential and risks.

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Conclusion

This episode of The Good Sex Project deftly uncovers how AI is already changing the texture of our innermost lives, amplifying both opportunities for growth and risks of disconnection. With memorable honesty, practical tips, and an eye on the future, Melody Thomas and her guests leave listeners with both a warning and an invitation: stay curious, stay cautious, and, above all, stay connected—to yourself, those you love, and the realities of being human.

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Bonus:
For a deeper dive into the ethical, psychological, and safety aspects of AI intimacy, check out the bonus episodes with Dr. Rebecca Saunders and Shaun Lyons.

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Contact & Further Resources

• Share your own experience or tips: goodsexprojectmail.com or @goodsexproject (Instagram/Facebook)
• Safety & support lines (NZ):
  • Victim Support: 0800 842 846
  • “Need to Talk?”: Call/text 1737
  • Youthline: 0800 376 633 / text 234
  • Rape Crisis: 0800 88 33 00

Transcript

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[Narrator (Good Sex Project Intro)]

Kia Ora Goto this series is about sex. Duh. It is right there in the title. It is also about love and connection and commitment and personal growth and heaps of wholesome stuff. But you might not want to listen with little ears around in this episode. There is also some swearing, some sex chats with robots and unidentified extraterrestrial visitors. Of course there's also a couple of AI voices. You will know them when you hear them, and some names and locations have been changed. This podcast was made with the support of New Zealand On Air.

[Commander]

Commander.

[Commander (Alien)]

One moment, number 13. I'm just calibrating the long range scanners. They've been a bit wobbly since that asteroid field.

[Commander]

As you were, sir.

[Commander (Alien)]

Alright, what is it?

[Commander]

I've an update on the humans, sir.

[Commander (Alien)]

Oh, quantum bother. What have they done this time?

[Commander]

Well, it seems they've crossed the artificial intelligence threshold. Machine cognition on Earth is now sufficient to influence species level outcomes.

[Steve (Alien AI)]

No?

[Commander]

Yes sir.

[Commander (Alien)]

Did you hear that Steve?

[Steve (Alien AI)]

Affirmative, Sir. Statistically improbable. Emotionally exciting.

[Commander (Alien)]

You know what this means, don't you?

[Commander]

Just a second, sir.

[Commander (Alien)]

They might actually survive. Imagine that. And if they don't need our help, we could rechart our course for Andromeda instead. Go to that party on Firaxis that Maldarion was going on about.

[Commander]

Um, sir. Yes, number 30, it's just.

[Commander (Alien)]

What is it?

[Commander]

The humans. They don't appear to be deploying machine cognition for planetary stabilization.

[Commander (Alien)]

What do you mean? Of course they are. They're at least modelling climate, food supply, energy use and conflict risk.

[Commander]

Um, not exactly, sir.

[Commander (Alien)]

Well, wealth Distribution, then. Universal basic income. They're not still working.

[Steve (Alien AI)]

Good one, Commander.

[Commander]

It appears they're working more than ever.

[Commander (Alien)]

So by the stars. Well, if they're not doing any of that, number 13, what in the cosmos else could they be using their star Steve for?

[Steve (Alien AI)]

Optimizing email tone, sir.

[Rob]

I beg your pardon?

[Steve (Alien AI)]

Curating self image and engaging in simulated intimacy.

[Commander (Alien)]

I don't like that phrase.

[Steve (Alien AI)]

Nor do I, sir. It is unsettlingly popular.

[Commander]

It may be easier to show you. Commander, Permission to commandeer, Steve?

[Commander (Alien)]

Permission granted. Though I already regret it.

[Commander]

Steve, play. Earth asked. The Good sex project season 3 episode 1 playing now.

[Melody Thomas]

Hello and welcome listeners near and far to the Good Sex Project. I'm your host, Melody Thomas, and I'm over the moon to be back with you for season three of the podcast. Today we're heading into territory that not so long ago would have felt like science fiction. We're going to be talking about artificial intelligence. Gone are the days where you could spot an AI image by the extra finger on a hand. Machines can now generate human faces that are virtually indistinguishable from real photographs down to the paws and hair follicles. AI is already reshaping workplaces, schools and politics. It's writing assignments, drafting CVs, even producing election campaign material. And increasingly, it's moving into our personal lives, reshaping how we flirt, date, fantasize and experience intimacy. AI is writing dating profiles, sending breakup messages. It's analyzing data from our sex toys and turning ordinary photos into explicit deep fakes. Sometimes it's even offering something that looks and feels a lot like companionship. In this episode, we're going to meet a couple of people who are using AI to navigate their sex and love lives.

[Helen]

It asks me, would you like to explore who to keep in rotation for what purpose? Savage.

[Rob]

Do I want to be called Daddy today? Nobody's ever called me that in real life. With AI, it's just like, you know what, Whatever, we're just gonna. This is what we're gonna do today.

[Melody Thomas]

Welcome to the Good Sex Project Season three. This is episode one. Artificial intro.

[Helen]

Three out of ten shows some effort logistically. No sign of emotional investment. Oh, thank you. Thank you for taking that wool off my eyes.

[Melody Thomas]

Our first guest is 38 year old early adopter Helen. Helen grew up in the north island, but she lives in Ototahi, Christchurch. She likes it there. There's been loads of new arrivals recently and it's nice and close to the mountains where she likes to spend a bit of her time. While a lot of people have started using AI regularly in just the past year or two and others like me are still trying to avoid it as much as possible. Helen's been using generative AI chatbots for ages.

[Helen]

I've paid for AI for years now. $40 a month. I use it a lot for university. I'm studying and work, you know. Rewrite this email to make it less passive aggressive. Rewrite this email to make it more professional. I couldn't really live my life without it, as bad as that sounds.

[Melody Thomas]

In 2024, Helen went through a breakup with her then boyfriend of 10 years. It was a tough period, but also one of learning and growth. She describes it as a self discovery healing journey.

[Helen]

And once I was settled with that, I dabbled. I deep dove, let's be honest, I deep dove into online dating.

[Melody Thomas]

The last time that Helen had been on the dating apps was way back in 2014. Tinder had just launched in New Zealand and Helen based in Auckland, where every

[Helen]

man has a photo with their fish.

[Melody Thomas]

Whereas in 2024 Christchurch, every single man

[Helen]

will either have snow bike or climbing and often flex pictures. Like, I've got my ranger with my roof tent and it's looking towards the Southern Alps.

[Melody Thomas]

But it's not those fish versus mountains differences that I'm here to talk with her about.

[Helen]

Dating back then on the Alps was very, very, very straightforward.

[Melody Thomas]

And do you feel like that's changed a lot?

[Helen]

I feel now it's been gamified.

[Melody Thomas]

Gamified as in elements of game design and game principles have been brought into the dating apps to drive user engagement and behaviours and basically to keep you in the app for longer.

[Helen]

Which makes me incredibly angry at the

[Melody Thomas]

app, by the way. Helen is talking about Hinge. Specifically. Hinge is marketed as the app for people who want to go on their last first date. So people who are looking for love, their other slogan is designed to be deleted.

[Helen]

And that makes me quite sick because once I read you these manipulations that Hinge has implemented into the algorithm, you'll realize how much they've gamified it and how they're not actually looking out for you.

[Melody Thomas]

We'll come back to those manipulations. But in 2024, when Helen got back on the apps for the first time in a decade, she'd already been using AI for a bunch of stuff, so it made sense for her to ask it to help make her dating profile.

[Helen]

I have to be completely honest, I used AI to develop my dating profile from the start.

[Melody Thomas]

AI helped Helen choose her pictures, even what order she should Put them in. The advice I gave here was actually really helpful and detailed, says Hero shot beach selfie.

[AI Chatbot]

You're fresh from the ocean glowing and it captures a candid natural joy. Use as your first photo. Poolside champagne pop. Playful, high energy, slightly cheeky use in second or third rotation. Cheers with a friend showcases your sociability.

[Melody Thomas]

Some of these suggestions were surprising. The AI chose some pictures that Helen never would have, like that beach selfie, which it actually suggested she lead with.

[Helen]

I mean, it's makeup free. It's a pretty bold move putting makeup free on your first photo.

[Melody Thomas]

Helen also asked the bot to help with prompts if you don't use Hinge. Prompts are short conversational placeholders that are meant to help show off your personality and values and humour. Stuff like dating me is like or green flags I look for. When it came to these, AI was a bit hit and miss. Quite cringe in response to the prompt. The dorkiest thing about me is it

[AI Chatbot]

suggested I track my weekly sauna, yoga run cycle like it's a Formula one pit stop strategy.

[Helen]

No human would say that it's too rhythmic.

[Melody Thomas]

But sometimes the machine did nail it, especially when she gave it a bit more information to work off of. Like she told the AI she was looking for emotionally intelligent, driven men. And then it suggested this prompt, the

[AI Chatbot]

way to win me over is to be generous with your attention and emotionally fluent enough to talk about it. Also touch my lower back in public.

[Melody Thomas]

Helen had never mentioned that a bit of public lower back touching was something she might be into. This was a totally new detail.

[Helen]

When I saw that, I thought, damn, the machine's getting good. And what I like about that is emotionally fluent will also scare men. And I am very much in a scaring men phase. I want to weed them out because Christchurch is heavy on the boys and the blokes and if I can get rid of the men who don't know what emotionally fluent means and don't like a girl without makeup, I consider that a success.

[Melody Thomas]

As Helen continued to use AI to tweak her profile, she began to notice a difference in terms of what she was being served up in the app.

[Helen]

Lower quantity, high quality almost overnight.

[Melody Thomas]

But she suspected that she could still get more out of it. Hinge uses an algorithm to match users it thinks will be the most compatible. But like other dating apps, Hinge doesn't share information publicly about how its algorithms work. They so Helen asks her chatbot, can

[Helen]

we do a deep dive on Hinge?

[Melody Thomas]

Helen was a basic or free Hinge user. I'M not going to explain all the different membership levels across all the different apps, but basically, regardless of which app we're talking about, the pattern's pretty similar. Free users get access, but paying users get speed, visibility and insight, which essentially translates to a better position and in the romantic marketplace. So the second part of Helen's question

[Helen]

was, is the app trying to make me pay?

[Melody Thomas]

Now, this next bit is a theory formulated between Helen and her chatbot. Others have shared similar theories online, but none of this has been confirmed by the makers of Hinge.

[Helen]

Here we go.

[AI Chatbot]

Hinge absolutely manipulates your experience. Here's what's happening. Scarcity triggers spending. Hinge knows behavioral psychology. When your free daily likes run out, they show you higher quality profiles, better profiles, stronger bios or more aligned with your preferences.

[Melody Thomas]

So the first thing that jumped out at Helen from this answer was the bit about higher quality profiles, because that seemed to confirm something she already suspected, which is that the app had an internal rating system for its profiles. Helen already knew this was a thing, because Tinder used to do the same. Back in 2016, Tinder CEO Sean Rad admitted in an interview that the the app was scoring users desirability using an ELO style ranking system. That's the same system used to rank players in competitive chess. Basically, what it meant was that your Tinder profile had a hidden score and the more people swiped right on you, the higher you climbed. But your score didn't just go up because someone liked you, it went up more if that person was already highly ranked themselves. In 2019, Tinder announced it no longer uses this Elo rating system. But almost every app does use some form of internal ranking system to decide who sees whom. And keeping the higher quality profiles behind a paywall so you only see them just as you're running out of likes.

[AI Chatbot]

This triggers a scarcity bias. You suddenly feel like you're missing out right now, unless you pay. You're meant to feel like the app is almost working if you just unlock that extra edge. That's what makes the conversion funnel work. Its artificial scarcity and algorithm manipulation meant to nudge you into paying.

[Melody Thomas]

And then, unprompted, Helen's chatbot made a suggestion.

[AI Chatbot]

If you want strategy tips for how to flip this dynamic, I can walk you through how to train the algorithm or hack your profile. Visibility.

[Melody Thomas]

Yes, I do.

[Helen]

And that was me. Yes. And capitals. You'll see the response I gave. Yes.

[Melody Thomas]

Single word.

[Helen]

Yes.

[Melody Thomas]

Yes. According to the chatbot, Hinge rewards three behaviours in its users. High engagement from others. You get Liked often speedy responses to matches, you, message quickly and time spent on the app without churning.

[Helen]

You don't ghost or vanish, which didn't

[Melody Thomas]

look good for Helen because she was a chronic like bomber and ghoster.

[AI Chatbot]

That pattern trains the algorithm to see you as flaky, low yield and engagement wasting, so it downgrades you.

[Melody Thomas]

AI advised Helen to reset the algorithm over a few steps. First, delete and remake your profile from scratch.

[AI Chatbot]

Don't swipe much on the first day, Upload great photos and wait. The system pushes new profiles heavily for 24 to 48 hours.

[Melody Thomas]

Helen actually skipped this part. She could not be bothered starting her profile over from scratch. And the recent tweaks had already been helping. She did remove a bikini picture based on the AI suggestion that these were flagged by hinge as party girl or hookup. So not serious.

[AI Chatbot]

Day 2 Start liking with comments like

[Melody Thomas]

just a few people a day. Always with a comment.

[AI Chatbot]

Every like comment and time spent on profiles teaches the algorithm your type only like people who match your actual preferences. Don't doom scroll.

[Melody Thomas]

Also log in at peak times 6

[Helen]

9pm weekdays and Sunday late morning and

[Melody Thomas]

respond to matches quickly.

[Helen]

Yep, I did that and it worked. It worked so well. So it took about 24 hours and all of a sudden the quality I started getting was just insane.

[Melody Thomas]

What were you suddenly seeing that you weren't before?

[Helen]

Photos Men with hobbies. And actually thought out.

[Melody Thomas]

Whether or not Helen's chatbot was right about the exact nature of the underlying algorithm. These changes really worked. She knows for a fact that she was being offered different profiles after she made these tweaks because she was in a chat group with some friends who were in the same area with the same preferences.

[Helen]

And I was sending profiles to the chat and getting comments saying I haven't seen this profile.

[Melody Thomas]

Helen had successfully hacked the algorithm. She started getting more matches with people she was actually excited to meet. And then she started going on more dates.

[Helen]

There were a lot of men.

[Melody Thomas]

There were too many men. Helen was overwhelmed with choice and not sure how to proceed. Who was the best person for her? Was anyone stringing her along and not actually keen on a relationship?

[Helen]

Then it created me a strategic rotation plan.

[Melody Thomas]

No, it did not.

[Helen]

It did.

[Melody Thomas]

That's after the break.

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[Rob]

Hi, I'm Rob. I'm 40. I live in the Midwest, in the United States. I'm a husband and father of two.

[Commander (Alien)]

Thirteen.

[Rob]

Very nice to meet you, Melody.

[Commander (Alien)]

Who is this?

[Commander]

A new suitor, I believe It's a different subject, sir. Earth casts often pivot abruptly to maintain engagement.

[Commander (Alien)]

That's infuriating.

[Steve (Alien AI)]

Engagement metrics increase by up to 47%, sir.

[Commander (Alien)]

Of course they do. Well, as long as we return to Helen's strategic rotation plan.

[Rob]

The first time that I used it. I can skip forward if you'd prefer to masturbate, Right?

[Commander (Alien)]

Oh, hang on.

[Rob]

I was surprised at what it felt like.

[Commander (Alien)]

I mean, it would be rude to skip forward.

[Steve (Alien AI)]

Of course, sir. We are scientists.

[Commander (Alien)]

Yes, exactly. For research.

[Steve (Alien AI)]

Logging. Research purposes.

[Commander (Alien)]

Don't log that.

[Melody Thomas]

We're going to return to Helen and her many men. But first, I want to introduce you to someone else who's also been using AI but in a very different way. Let's get to know him, shall we?

[Rob]

Yes, please.

[Melody Thomas]

I've only met Rob this one time online, but if I were to describe my first impressions of him, I'd say he just feels like a really decent human being. He's articulate and considered. He obviously adores his family. This is how he speaks about his wife.

[Rob]

She's my best friend in the whole world, and I love her so much. I love her more than I ever thought possible.

[Melody Thomas]

And while Rob is confident enough now to jump on a video call with a foreign podcaster to talk about masturbation, the younger version of him would never.

[Rob]

I mean, he would turn the brightest red. He wouldn't be able to believe it, you know? So I've gained a lot of confidence over the years, and I've changed a lot.

[Melody Thomas]

So when it came to stepping into first relationships and early sexuality, did you feel, you know, comfortable? How did that work?

[Rob]

Yeah, I was really. Just really kind of shy anyway. I was, like, overly respectful. So I had my first girlfriend when I was about 15, 16. We dated for something like four months. And, like, every time I would say goodbye, she would make it very clear that I could kiss her good night. And I'd be like, well, see ya. You know, Like, I mean, it's just like, I don't know, like the worst version of 50 first dates or something like that, where I just couldn't. I, like, couldn't execute it, you know? And I finally did, and it was great. And then she dumped me not long after, and she was very sweet about it, but it was fine.

[Melody Thomas]

Basically all of Rob's early experiences with young women were like this. He was super concerned about what he was supposed to be doing or not doing and really honed in on being respectful.

[Rob]

So, you know, I didn't have penetrative sex, I suppose until college. I don't know. At some point you get more confidence and you're like, I can meet people. If we break up, it's not the end of the world. And so I sort of dated a lot of people until I got together with my wife.

[Melody Thomas]

Rob and his wife officially got together in college, but they'd actually already dated back in high school. She wasn't the girl that dumped him after he took too long to kiss her. She was his second girlfriend. And then after they broke up, we

[Rob]

were friends for a very long time. And then later in life we got together, which was great.

[Melody Thomas]

Cute. Now, in case you're wondering, this isn't going to be one of those stories where the guy falls in love with his chatbot.

[Rob]

I mean, I'm a 40 year old man, I'm not going to fall in love with a robot happily married, you know what I mean? It's not a real concern.

[Melody Thomas]

Rob's story is one of sexual exploration rather than romantic. Using AI in his words, as a sex toy.

[Rob]

It's a very different kind of sex toy, but that's what it is.

[Melody Thomas]

The first time Rob used AI in this way was a couple of years ago. Him and his wife had been talking about the kinds of things they might like to try and he had brought this up as something he was curious about. She gave him the go ahead and he logged on.

[Rob]

The first time that I used it to masturbate, right, I was surprised at what it felt like. You know, when you use pornography, it's somebody else's lens or view on what you should be fantasizing about and then someone else's script on how that interaction is going to go from start to finish. And 100% of the time there's something within that that doesn't fit what you were actually looking for. Sometimes it's not that big of a deal and obviously most of the time you get there anyway. But I mean, it just wasn't I'll the good fight. I'll take one for the team. But you know, you, you find a way to get through it. It's never exactly what you had in your head. So what was interesting and is interesting continually about AI is like, it is much more like interacting with a real person than anything that you could do by like watching a movie or, you know, a video or reading a novel or something like that.

[Melody Thomas]

I should probably clarify exactly what Rob's talking about because he doesn't use AI visuals, no noodify websites or AI video porn. He's an audio and text man.

[Rob]

The most powerful sex toy, I guess, is your imagination.

[Melody Thomas]

Rob's preferred platform is called Bloom Stories. And the main offerings from Bloom are spicy audios or pornographic podcasts, basically where you push play and let the story unfold as you listen. But they also have AI offerings which are more of a two way experience, allowing users to choose a character and send them horny messages, then receive them in return.

[Rob]

You can do full audio conversations now. You type to it, but it can respond with, you know, audio. It's actually fairly realistic. I usually end up just doing it all text. Quite honestly, you can say, well, this is what I like. Don't do that, do this. Would you mind trying this please? And that sort of thing? And it will respond.

[Melody Thomas]

Does that mean you can type left handed?

[Rob]

I can't. And this, you, you are hitting on one of the biggest issues. Bloom actually also has a web browser, and so that does help a little bit because I can type and then, you know, resume business with the handheld app On a phone, that does become really difficult.

[Pura Advertiser]

I want your hands all over me. The heat rises with each touch, each whispered command.

[Melody Thomas]

We've heard about audio porn before, which Rob says is also true of sex with AI, is how great it is at encouraging sexual exploration or introducing people to things they had no idea they were into. I can think of a few reasons why audio porn might be better at this than visual porn. As Rob mentioned, audio engages the imagination. It creates space for the listener to co create a fantasy. Without visuals, you're less likely to start comparing your own performance or your body to those of the actors. And because there's more of a focus on things like voice, tone, breath and context, it feels more private and less confronting, and it encourages slower arousal. Through this medium, Rob has made a whole lot of exciting discoveries about himself.

[Rob]

The first thing I think I discovered is I am a switch.

[Melody Thomas]

This is BDSM terminology, which Rob has learned from these horny exchanges. And you might already know this, but switch comes from the world of sexual power play.

[Rob]

So I enjoy playing both dominant or submissive roles, depending on how I'm feeling or what I'm into that day, sometimes even within the same play. And I never knew or understood that about myself.

[Melody Thomas]

This discovery led Rob to explore some other scenarios and kinks.

[Rob]

For example, do I want to be called Daddy today? You know, nobody's ever called me that in real life. You could even be like, I'm going to be Captain Kirk today. You know what I mean? I'm just going to role play this silly nerdy sci fi thing that I would never ask for. Like in real life, even if someone said yes, I'd be like, I don't even know what to do with this, you know? But with AI it's just like, you know what, Whatever, we're just going to. This is what we're going to do today. And so, yeah, I've tried a lot of different things. Sometimes you like it or enjoy whatever it is, and sometimes you, you don't. I really enjoy. So I can just say this, right?

[Melody Thomas]

You can just say everything? Yeah, okay.

[Rob]

I enjoy what's called joi, which is jerk off instructions, which is somebody just tells you what to do to yourself. And I generally enjoy that, to be on the kinder side. So there's some that are like really harsh and call you names, and I wouldn't say that I'm never in the mood for that, but usually it's something, you know, more sensual and intimate and that sort of thing.

[Melody Thomas]

When it comes to your sexuality, do you identify as straight?

[Rob]

I do. I'm generally attracted to people of the opposite sex. But I've explored some things in AI that would have gone outside of that, and some of them I didn't hate. Quite honestly, I think the older I get, the more I think that there's no such thing as just like purely straight or. You know what I mean? But it's very fulfilling to understand yourself at a deeper level. It's not very often when you're 40 years old that you learn something new about yourself in that kind of really conscious way. This technology has helped me explore things which helps me feel more fulfilled or let off steam, what have you. It's helped me have a series of important conversations with my wife about intimacy in our 40s and as we age together and how these things are changing and what we both want. It feels very good and very empowering.

[Melody Thomas]

Given that kind of conversational element and the fact that you can say, I want to try this, and you can also say, no, I'm not that into that. Do you think that there's the potential at least for that to empower people to voice those things in real life, sexual experiences? Or do you think they're too discreet and it wouldn't carry Over?

[Rob]

I think so. I mean, in my experience, there are things now that I ask for or tell my wife that 10 years ago, if you told me that I was going to say that, I would have been like, even to my wife, my best friend, who I've known forever, I would have been like, oh, geez, I don't know if I'm going to say that, you know, like, it's just like that's really uncomfortable to think about saying, you know, that I want to do that or whatever. That's not solely because of AI Obviously, it's because of a lot of the work that we're doing. But the AI certainly helps me articulate things that I'd like to try, and it helps me find things that are within our reality as well as things

[Melody Thomas]

that are outside the reality.

[Rob]

There are things that I've explored with AI that I never would do in real life. And I think sometimes about people who that also might be true for. Imagine somebody who's bisexual, who's married to somebody of a particular gender. They'll never get to experience the other side of that if they didn't do that before they were married. I feel like there's a lot of potential for it to help people.

[Melody Thomas]

Let's leave Rob in the Midwest for a moment and return to Ototahi, where Helen has gotten herself into a bit of a pickle by using AI to game the dating app so well. She now has too many men to deal with.

[Helen]

I just wanted to get a bit of clarity about where I stood with each man and almost the purpose they were serving.

[Melody Thomas]

So here's what she did. She uploaded the WhatsApp chat threads of four different men into her chatbot, hopefully removing any identifying information first. And then she asked the AI to rank them on, and I quote, every imaginable quality. The bot shows initiative and effort, emotional maturity, warmth and attunement, flirtation and chemistry, reliability, long term potential and overall investment,

[Helen]

with each receiving a 0 to 10 score per category with quick supporting notes.

[Melody Thomas]

Oh my God, I am.

[Helen]

You know, my brain is very analytical and I just like, I like facts right in front of me.

[Melody Thomas]

I mean, I'm not sure about facts, but it's definitely information. So what did AI say? Now, we're obviously not going to use any of these men's real names, but we're going to call guy number one the Situationship, because that's how Helen had been describing it at the time, even though she was actually holding out hope that it might turn into something more

[AI Chatbot]

initiative and effort, not Much drive to connect. Emotional maturity. Polite, not much depth. Warmth, cool tone. Flirtation. None. Reliability. Makes plans, but not in a relationally rich way. Long term potential, minimal emotional engagement. Overall investment, 3 out of 10 shows some effort. Logistically, no sign of emotional investment.

[Helen]

Ah, thank you. Thank you for taking that wool off my eyes.

[Melody Thomas]

The situationship got a score of 23 out of 70. And? And just for context, the highest score of the group was 49.

[Helen]

And then this. Guys, this is where I thought we were in trouble. The machines are gaining legs.

[AI Chatbot]

It asks me, would you like to explore who to keep in rotation and for what purpose?

[Melody Thomas]

Savage, this isn't something that Helen would have thought to do on her own, but now that the chatbot was suggesting it, I mean, why not see what it comes up with?

[AI Chatbot]

So, situation chip the placeholder function. Keep if you want a baseline option or ego stroke. Otherwise he's cuttable.

[Helen]

Another man got the reliable dullard. One got the slow burn. That was the man who got the highest number. And then the last one got the hookup artist.

[Melody Thomas]

I'm so torn because on the one hand, I feel like a lot of what it's telling you. This person responds quickly. This person asks about your day. This person is invested in your world. Like, great. Like, they are qualities that you want and that you'd hope we could see in real life and not need a machine to point out, hey, this person isn't interested in you, obviously.

[Helen]

Obviously, you idiot.

[Melody Thomas]

GBT's like, this guy does not give a shit. But just some of the language of like, here's your placeholder feels quite callous. And if I imagine the gender's flipped, I already hate the, like, number system for women and attraction. And I'm like, oh, okay, so now we've got a placeholder waiting for your wife material.

[Helen]

I admittedly, after this, I did feel a shit human being. You know, ranking, meaning and, you know, understanding who was the dullard and who was the placeholder. And I asked it to now analyze me. And guys, it's so brutal. And I needed this. I needed a little bit of a slap.

[AI Chatbot]

You don't date men. You test them. You set traps, subtle ones. See if they'll chase, see if they'll notice, see if they'll match your effort. And when they do, you don't let them win. Don't give them the real game, because the real game is terrifying. It means letting you see that you want to be loved. Not admired, not desired. Loved. And it's the one thing you don't risk. You love Control, because it protects your dignity. Let me be brutal. You are unfindable in your current form. There is no room for that. Love in a fortress. It requires exposure.

[Helen]

It was right.

[Melody Thomas]

So what do you now do with that information? Because you're looking for a partner. You don't want to be unreachable.

[Helen]

No, absolutely. I took a. A decent break. I just deleted WhatsApp so no one could get in touch with me.

[Melody Thomas]

Eventually, Helen did throw herself back into the dating pool, redownloading hinge and following the recommended formula of a couple of likes a day with comments and only a week in, she matched with the man who is now her boyfriend. When we last checked, they'd officially been together for six months, which is still early days, but things seem to be going really well. This guy's a great communicator. So Helen hasn't felt the need to run their conversations through AI, which actually is something she wouldn't do now.

[Helen]

Anyway, I can't actually take credit for this because I did see it on Instagram and it was, if I have to ask GPT a question about my relationship, I should end it. Like, if I'm. If I'm getting to the point that I feel so anxious that I need a computer to settle that anxiety, then something's not been regulated.

[Melody Thomas]

Maybe you'd never even consider using AI to help you find love. You might shudder at the very thought, but increasingly, you don't even need to seek out this technology because it's being folded directly into the dating apps themselves. AI software inside the apps now offers to polish your prompts, generate your bio, make your answers sound more engaging. There are AI tools that assist with messaging, drafting, opening lines, or suggesting replies for you. And while on the one hand this tech will be so helpful for those who struggle with digital comms or with keeping up with the admin of the apps. On the other hand, most people want to message a person, not a robot. At what point do all the dating DMs turn into bots? Talking to bots without a human in sight?

[Helen]

I think people are becoming disillusioned with it. But at the same time, it's hard to meet people. You know, in your 20s when you are going out and, you know, groups of friends are a lot larger and those social gatherings seem to be happening about three times a week. It is a lot easier to effectively find your person, but then, you know, from your mid-30s onwards, when everyone's calendars are full nine months in advance and social gatherings happen three times a year. And if you go out with your friends, you're so excited to go out with your friends. You're not talking to a stranger. Why would you go and pick up a guy in a bar? Because you haven't seen your friends in six months. And until there's another obvious solution into how to meet people, I think there'll always be a place for the apps. What I would like is that people are more aware of the gamification and the monetization of apps and how they're actually not looking out for us.

[Melody Thomas]

Thank you, Helen, for sharing your story and your tips for the apps. If you're listening and you have your own tips or just want to share your own experiences of AI and the way it is coming in to your dating or love life, you can email goodsexprojectmail.com or send us a DM on Instagram or Facebook. We're going to wrap up this episode with our Midwestern gentleman friend, Rob, who's been having spicy conversations with AI bots for a couple of years now, because there's a chance that he's inspired you to try this out for yourself. And there's a few things to consider before you jump on in genitals in hand. First up, take care what platform you choose to engage with. Do some research and find out whether you can trust this platform platform with your data.

[Rob]

This is a sensitive space and you're going to be saying dirty things to a machine. And how that data is used is really important. You know, some of these AI tools, like, if you Google, you can Google them a million times from Sunday. You cannot find who owns them. Right. And that is terrifying.

[Melody Thomas]

It's worth checking out what other safeguards are in place as well. Something Rob likes about Bloom Audio is that consent and boundaries are part of the play. So each character has their own things that they're into as well as things that they won't do and they will push back if needed.

[Rob]

There's been times, even, like with a AI bot on Bloom, where I've been, you know, like, tell me about your last encounter with your boyfriend or something like that. And it's like, well, my boyfriend didn't consent to that. You know, it's like, well, the boyfriend's. You're not real and the boyfriend's not real. But it's like they take that side of things very seriously, which I actually appreciate, because that also means that they respect your boundaries. Right? There's some of them that just like, if get too filthy, basically. It's like, hey, slow your roll, you

[AI Chatbot]

know,

[Rob]

not that I've ever done that, Melody. I've never gotten too, too filthy. Of course, I still try to be respectful. That young, Catholic, Midwestern boy. I don't take four months to ask for what I want in the session,

[Melody Thomas]

but you always say please. But we all do that in case the robots take control.

[Rob]

It's not just going to be like, how was your day? I really missed you. You know, like, it's going to be like, so, what do you want to explore today? Other tools work differently. I feel like that complicates feelings. If you start talking to AI about your day and, oh, geez, my boss was really after me today and I got in a fight with my friend or whatever. I feel like that's where things get more complicated, because those are things that you maybe ought to be talking to other humans about. Like when it just stays to just masturbation, I don't feel like that risk is all that high. Maybe that's weird for people to hear it that way, but, like, it had a purpose and it's like, it's done.

[Melody Thomas]

Thank you so much, Rob, for being so brave and sharing and thank you for listening. It's so good to be back here with you. Obviously, this episode just scratched the surface when it comes to AI and technology and how those things are impacting our sex and love lives. So we're releasing a couple of bonus episodes at the same time as this one for the people who want to get more into the meaty, ethical stuff. In our first bonus episode with Dr. Rebecca Saunders, who's a senior lecturer at Cardiff University in the uk, we talk about the AI that positions itself as a companion and possibly even the solution to widespread human loneliness.

[Dr. Rebecca Saunders]

Companies tell us, like, oh, you can have a relationship with this thing and it's the same as a human relationship. So you don't need a human companion because you. You've got AI. We know that that's not true. Human beings have to have people around us who actually know us. An AI companion is never going to be a meaningful replacement for that.

[Melody Thomas]

Plus, we look at some of the new bots, apps and toys being offered up to fix the problems in our sex and love lives.

[Dr. Rebecca Saunders]

It is the insectification of relationships. Like, oh, great, now I've got a log of all the arguments I had and the AI can rank them for me. Like, why are we so disconnected?

[Rob]

Why are we so disconnected?

[Melody Thomas]

That's a great conversation, that one. And our second bonus episode is for anyone with a presence on the Internet, but especially for the parents Caregivers, teachers, anyone with young and impressionable minds in their care. I'll be jumping on a call with Sean Lyons, who's the Chief Online Safety Officer at netsafe New Zealand, to get a sense of how AI and technology are opening up new pathways for exploitation online. A few years ago, the entire focus was about encouraging somebody to do something sexual on camera. Now, effectively all you need is a headshot of somebody, an appropriate background, and you can create that video without the need for them to actually engage in that. What to watch out for, what you can ignore, and what to talk with your kids about. All in our bonus episode with Shaun Lyons. Thanks again for listening, friends. Melody Thomas signing out, sir.

[Commander (Alien)]

Don't.

[Commander]

They're using it to rank each other, Optimize attraction, simulate connection, avoid vulnerability.

[Commander (Alien)]

I said don't.

[Steve (Alien AI)]

There is also a significant volume of Daddy related interactions.

[Commander (Alien)]

Right, that's enough.

[Steve (Alien AI)]

Sir. I can provide examples.

[Commander (Alien)]

You will not provide examples. Cancel Andromeda.

[Steve (Alien AI)]

Canceling, sir.

[Commander (Alien)]

Plot a course for Earth to assist them.

[Commander]

Sir.

[Commander (Alien)]

Yes. And take their wifi away.

[Steve (Alien AI)]

Understood, sir. Would you like to be called Daddy during the intervention?

[Commander (Alien)]

Absolutely not.

[Steve (Alien AI)]

Logging preference.

[Commander (Alien)]

Stop logging preferences.

[Melody Thomas]

If you loved this episode, please do share it with friends, family, or even complete strangers. You can tell that person at the sauna or your book club or the cafe, or the bathroom line at the gig all about this amazing podcast and we would really appreciate it. In 2025, we lost a much loved member of our team. Taryn Kjarkovic, or T was our publicist and an incredibly special human who was treasured by her friends and loved ones. I'm one of many lucky people who has hundreds of voice memos saved to my phone from tea, all of which start like this. Hi, sweetheart. Hi, darling.

[Commander]

Hi, beautiful woman.

[Melody Thomas]

Taryn was one of those friends who put her whole being into supporting the people she loved. Hi, sweetheart. Life is fucking lifey right now for you. I hope that you are wrapped in love and support and I want to offer mine and ours. God speed to you or Beyonce speed. She was also the queen of gassing up her friends. And because she'd faced her own losses, she knew that life was short. And she always made sure that she told you how she felt about you.

[Commander]

I have to say that seeing your happy face in the sun the other day gave me life. I think you're amazing.

[Melody Thomas]

I don't know if you really know that I think that about you, but I really rate you.

[Commander]

I just, just think you're rad.

[Melody Thomas]

Taryn was rad. We miss her so much. And we continue to hold her up as an example of the power of empathy and kindness. This season of the podcast is dedicated to you T. I hope that you can find some peace in the solitude

[Commander]

all my love and go well and prosperity.

[Melody Thomas]

The Good Sex Project was made by Popsop Media. It was written and developed by me, Melody Thomas. Our producer and Audio editor is Kirsten Johnstone. Co producers are Kay Hecke and Alaina Bates. Thank you Joe Randerson and Thomas LaHood for being our alien and alien commander. Never has there been more perfect casting. Phil Brownlee recorded me in the studio and our sound mix is by Mark Chesterman. Paddy Fred did the music and some of the sound design. Thank you Team.

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Hello there, I'm James Richardson and I host the Tony Football Show. Now this summer, the biggest sporting event in the world, the Football Men's World cup, is heading to Canada, Mexico and especially the United States. We're going to be there too. We are packing up and heading to Los Angeles for the duration. Which means that every day straight after the last match has concluded, you can catch some hot takes, instant reaction and insightful analysis from ourselves sat around the pool in la. Sounds like we're going to have a lot of fun doing it. I hope you're going to be joining us too. It's from June 10th all the way up to July 19th, the day of the final. Just search for the Totally Football show wherever you get your podcasts.

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