Bella DePaulo - Single at Heart

Summary

The Good Sex Project – Bonus Episode: Bella DePaulo – Single at Heart (June 25, 2026)

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Episode Overview

In this bonus episode of The Good Sex Project, host Melody Thomas builds on the discussions from episode three, "The Waiting Room," to take a deeper dive into the experiences, research, and cultural narratives around being “single at heart.” Renowned social psychologist and author Bella DePaulo, who has chosen to be single for her entire life, returns to challenge the assumption that happiness and fulfillment hinge on romantic relationships. Together, Melody and Bella explore the stigmas and realities of single life, the financial and social penalties singles endure, the unique shape of single motherhood, and the global community of “single at heart” individuals living life on their own terms.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Defining “Single at Heart”

• What it means: Bella describes being “single at heart” as living your most joyful, meaningful, fulfilling, and authentic life through being single. For some people, singledom is not a default or last resort – it’s who they truly are.

  “Single life is your most joyful, meaningful, fulfilling, and psychologically rich life. It’s also your authentic life.”
  – Bella DePaulo, 03:20

• Many “single at heart” people have tried romantic relationships or marriage, but found true fulfillment in returning to – and embracing – single life.

2. Cultural Myths and Stigmas Around Singleness

• Dominant Narratives: Society still treats coupledom/marriage as the ultimate life achievement, casting singles as incomplete or pitiable.

  “If you’re single, you can’t be really, truly, deeply happy, not like those married people.”
  – Bella DePaulo, 04:35

• Films and pop culture rarely depict joyful lifelong singles; Bella advocates for more positive representation in media.

3. Family Reactions and Personal Journey

• Bella recalls supportive friends and a seemingly accepting family, until her mother, on her deathbed, expressed concern about her daughter’s single status—a moment that underlined persistent cultural discomfort.

  “Here all along, I thought she realized she could see that I was happy. I had friends, I owned a home... But she said, ‘I worry about you.’”
  – Bella DePaulo, 07:35

4. Fears and Realities of “Dying Alone”

• Dispelling the “tragedy” narrative, Bella shares stories from Single at Heart community members embracing the idea of passing solo, and emphasizes her main fear is not living alone in old age.

  “If I worry about something, it’s not that I will grow old alone, but that I won’t grow old alone.”
  – Bella DePaulo, 10:14

5. Social and Structural Discrimination Against Singles

• Singles face daily microaggressions (e.g., “Why are you still single?”) and are often deprioritized in social and family settings.

  “We don’t ask married people, ‘Why aren’t you divorced yet?’”
  – Bella DePaulo, 11:28

• In work and social life, singles are expected to sacrifice more—covering holidays, flexible hours, or supporting married friends—while their own celebrations often go underappreciated.

6. Building Chosen Family and Community

• Bella highlights the vibrancy of single communities, both online (her “Community of Single People” Facebook group has over 10,000 members in 100+ countries) and in-person.

  “Single people often have a circle of friends and family they maintain more conscientiously than married people do. Married people have ‘the one,’ single people have ‘the ones.’”
  – Bella DePaulo, 15:35

7. Financial Penalties of Singleness

• Being single is expensive: singles bear all living costs alone, pay more per person for insurance, travel, cultural events, and are disadvantaged by laws that benefit couples.

  “Single people are subsidizing the couples. Why am I subsidizing the couples?”
  – Bella DePaulo, 18:49

8. Single at Heart Across Cultures & Economic Strata

• Single fulfillment isn't exclusive to the privileged: Bella shares stories of people “single at heart” even in low-income, caste-restricted environments.

  “Single at heart isn’t connected to your financial well-being.... I included stories from people who have the most challenging lives imaginable.”
  – Bella DePaulo, 19:38

9. Singleness, Sexuality, and Non-Traditional Relationships

• Bella identifies as aromantic and is open about not experiencing romantic or sexual “crushes,” but acknowledges many “single at heart” people have varied arrangements—casual partnerships, friends with benefits, solo polyamory, etc.
• There is space for many relationship models under the “single at heart” umbrella.

10. The Gendered Lens

• Single women still face more stigma (“spinster”) than single men (“bachelor”), though men face increasing scrutiny (e.g., incel narratives). Bella advocates for respect for singles regardless of gender or happiness levels.

  “I think [singles who don’t love being single] should feel proud for having standards. They didn’t just lunge at the first rose that was dangled in front of them.”
  – Bella DePaulo, 23:45

11. The State of the Singles Positivity Movement

• Attitudes are shifting: more singles are vocal about their satisfaction, but backlash is common as “tradvibes” and birthrate anxieties persist.
• Research shows the “marriage = more happiness” narrative is flawed: Many studies only include currently-married people, excluding those who divorced. When followed longitudinally, newlyweds’ happiness often returns to pre-marriage levels—or drops lower.

  “The most recent studies showed that [people who marry] actually become less happy than they were when they were single.”
  – Bella DePaulo, 26:37

12. Surprises in Single Motherhood and Parenting

• Research suggests single mothers spend as much time with their kids as married mothers, have less “time poverty,” and skip unnecessary “good wife” tasks. The important factor for support isn’t a husband—but extra adults (such as multigenerational households).

  “It turns out that it does [help to have another adult]—as long as it’s not a husband.”
  – Bella DePaulo, 31:09

13. Advice for Singles Who Want Coupling

• Bella’s advice is to intentionally try single life (without the quest for romance), build deep friendships, and recognize the personal growth it can bring—even if you ultimately still seek a partner.

14. The Joys of Single Life

• Bella’s favorite things about being single: autonomy in daily decisions, freedom to move and arrange her life as desired, and the joy of “big life-changing decisions” made solo.

  “I love waking up... and getting to arrange my day however I want, getting to eat whatever I want.... And I like the big life-changing decisions that I get to make on my own.”
  – Bella DePaulo, 33:53

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the hierarchy of relationships:

  “Ever put a romantic partner on a pedestal and put everybody else underneath?”
  – Bella DePaulo, 17:53

• On solo fulfillment:

  “Now it’s my time to shine.... It turned my thinking around to totally embrace my newfound single life.”
  (Anonymous feedback shared by Bella, 35:16–35:43)

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Key Timestamps

• 03:20 – Bella defines “single at heart”
• 07:35 – Emotional story of Bella’s mother’s deathbed concern
• 10:14 – Living “alone” in old age and what that means
• 11:28–12:51 – Social exclusions and microaggressions against singles
• 14:04–15:52 – The Community of Single People and “the ones”
• 18:12–19:45 – Financial penalties and unfair laws
• 26:12–26:48 – Marriage and happiness research myths debunked
• 30:02–31:32 – Surprising findings on single vs. married mothers
• 33:53–34:28 – Bella’s favorite things about being single
• 35:04–35:43 – Heartfelt feedback from readers of Single at Heart

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Tone & Style

The episode maintains a warm, candid, and gently humorous tone. Bella DePaulo’s voice is both authoritative and inviting; Melody Thomas is open, thoughtful, and at times self-reflective as someone in a coupled relationship, offering balance and curiosity.

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For Further Exploration

• Bella DePaulo’s book: Single at Heart: The Power, Freedom and Heart-filling Joy of Single Life
• Bella’s Psychology Today blog: “Living Single”
• Single at Heart Quiz: (linked in show notes)
• Community of Single People: Facebook group for singles who love their lives

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This summary captures the episode’s main themes and essential insights for both singles and non-singles alike, emphasizing self-knowledge, respect for diverse ways of living, and the value of meaningful, chosen connection—romantic or otherwise.

Transcript

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[Melody Thomas]

Kia Ora Kouto this podcast was made with the support of New Zealand on

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

air Kia Ora Eho welcome back to

[Melody Thomas]

the Good Sex Project. I'm Melody Thomas and this is a bonus episode, extra time with a guest who had so much more to say

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

than their episode allowed.

[Melody Thomas]

You might have already listened to episode three, the Waiting Room. That's the one about singledom and the cultural pressure and assumption that coupledom is

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

the ultimate finish line.

[Melody Thomas]

If you haven't, go back and listen. But if you have, you'll remember our guest, social psychologist and author, Bella DePaurlo. Bella's 72, she's been single her entire life by choice, and she spent decades doing the research that dismantles the idea that a single life is a lesser life. Her book Single at Heart gave a name and a framework to something that millions of people were already living but just didn't have a language for. In this bonus episode, we dig more into the research on who's actually happier, on the financial penalties of being single, the surprising data on single mothers, and the worldwide community that Bella has built up of people who are, in her words, living their best lives. She also tells me about some of her favourite things about being single, which, honestly, as someone who's coupled, were a little bit hard to hear. Our interview kicks off with Bella telling me about a hushed conversation that she shared with a married man at a party.

[Bella De Paulo]

Married man turned to me and he said, you know, I knew this woman who was 65 and happily single and then she got married and then she

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

was really happily married. And I said to him, I think marriage is overrated. And he looks around to see if his wife is there and he said, if I told you what I really thought about that, I'd spend the night in the shed.

[Eden Scher]

God.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

And if that's not an advertisement for marriage. So just could you give me a

[Melody Thomas]

little bit more detail about what single at heart means?

[Bella De Paulo]

Yeah, it means that single life is Your most joyful, meaningful, fulfilling, and psychologically rich life. It's also your authentic life. So to people who are single at heart, single is who we really are. Lots of us tried romantic relationships, and

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

some of us even have gotten married more than once.

[Bella De Paulo]

And yet we find that even in a relationship in which you seem to have found the one you love, this

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

person, the other person loves you, maybe

[Bella De Paulo]

you've lived together, you realize it's just not right. It's not what you want. And when that ends and you embrace your single life, that's what feels truly fulfilling.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

So from the time that we're pretty young, we're told romantic love is the key to happiness. Certainly my generation grew up with all the Disney movies, and that's pretty deeply embedded in the psyche. What would you say on the flip side is the narrative, the kind of cultural narrative when it comes to single people?

[Bella De Paulo]

Oh, it's so sad. It's that if you're single, you can't

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

be really, truly, deeply happy, not like those married people.

[Bella De Paulo]

And I want people to understand that for some people, single life is how they achieve their deep and fulfilling happiness. It's how they flourish.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

I'm trying to think if there are any films or that I've seen recently where somebody ends up not coupled up at the end and flourishing and says, this is for me for the rest of my life, you maybe need to start writing a screenplay, Bel.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

Oh, I have been encouraging people to do that.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

You've been single since you were 18

[Melody Thomas]

years old, is that correct?

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

Yeah.

[Bella De Paulo]

Now, I did have

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

romantic relationships when I was a very young adult, and I have no horror stories about dating. When I think about those men, I still smile. They were very nice men.

[Bella De Paulo]

But when those relationships ended, I was so happy to go back to my one true love.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

My single life,

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

I imagine, especially back then and especially for women, what did that choosing single life look like for you, and how do people around you respond? How did all of that unfold?

[Bella De Paulo]

You know, I think the reason I

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

even went into the dating game when I was younger is I never heard

[Bella De Paulo]

of such a thing as wanting to stay single. And even. Even now, when we have come a

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

long way since I was 18,

[Bella De Paulo]

if you say you love being single, you get these dismissive answers like, oh, you

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

just haven't met the right person yet, or, oh, come on, you're just fooling yourself, or my current favorite, you'll change your mind.

[Bella De Paulo]

Well, I'm 72.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

I don't think I'm gonna change my mind.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

Yeah, if it hasn't happened already. It's probably not gonna happen. I should Hope that by 72, you know yourself pretty well. That's one of the benefits of ageing were the family and friend responses when you were younger.

[Bella De Paulo]

You know, I think my friends didn't

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

know what to think, and they probably talked about me behind my back, but they never said anything to me directly. And of course, my closest friends, totally fine.

[Bella De Paulo]

My family, I thought for the longest time that they were fine with this.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

They never, ever pressured me to marry. They didn't do any of this, you

[Bella De Paulo]

know, when you're going to meet someone. So I just felt like, wow, I am so fortunate to have parents like this. Then when my mother was on her deathbed, oh, Lord. In the last conversation I ever had alone with her, she said, I worry about you. And that just devastated me because here

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

all along, I thought she realized she could see that I was happy. I had friends, I owned a home.

[Bella De Paulo]

You know, I had a great career.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

And I wish I had already written Single at Heart so she could understand.

[Melody Thomas]

That's a hard thing to hear in

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

your final conversation with your mother.

[Bella De Paulo]

I was devastated.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

And it aligns with, I guess, some of the dominant thinking in the world, which is that it's the worst thing to die alone. And, I mean, setting aside the fact that we all die alone, really.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

Yeah, exactly.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

Hardly any of us die with our partners there. That final journey is one we can only take alone. But is that something that you have to consider if you're embracing being single at heart is what your kind of later years and end of life will look like?

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

You know, I wrote a section about this in my single at Heart book, and I want to read to you some of the answers I got from people who are single at heart. So Donna, who is 49, said, I'm like an old country dog. When it's my time, I want to crawl under the deck and be a when it happens. Joan said, when I'm dying, I don't want anyone chattering in my ear. I'd be perfectly happy to have it happen when I'm alone. And this is my favorite. It was written by Barbara Ellen in the Guardian, and she said there used to be a fashion for scaremongering surveys about single women saying things like, 8 out of 10 women are going to

[Bella De Paulo]

die alone surrounded by 17 cats.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

And then she said, but to that I would mentally add, or it could all go horribly wrong.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

I know anytime anyone conjures this woman living alone with her cats, I'm like, you're telling Me, there's something wrong with this picture.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

Yeah, exactly.

[Melody Thomas]

Yeah.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

So personally, it's not something I think about or worry about. I mean, if I worry about something, it's not that I will grow old

[Bella De Paulo]

alone, but that I won't grow old alone. And what I mean by that is I love having a place to myself, living alone. And so if it got to the point that I couldn't do that for

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

financial reasons or health reasons or any

[Bella De Paulo]

other reasons, I would be so disappointed.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

So I interviewed one single man who I think is maybe in his early 40s. He's queer, and he does want to find love. He's someone. He hasn't identified himself as someone who's single at heart. And he spoke about some of the more uncomfortable, negative things that come with single life. Like, for example, couple friends often don't think to invite him for holidays or to dinners, whatever. Some ways, some other ways that we maybe hopefully inadvertently punish or leave out the single people in our lives.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

Yeah.

[Bella De Paulo]

Well, just the commonplace introductory question.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

Are you married or why are you still single? We don't ask married people, why aren't you divorced yet?

[Bella De Paulo]

And kind of the assumptions in the

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

workplace that if you're single, you don't have a life, so you should stay uncovered for the married people when they want to leave early, or you should come in on the holidays. How could you ever have anything important to do on the holidays if you're single? Or you should have less choice of when to take a vacation and just getting demoted by your friends who become coupled or married. And maybe you used to see them all the time or see them on weekends. So maybe you will get invited to lunch or brunch, but dinner and movie, that's. That's for couples. Another thing I've heard from many single

[Bella De Paulo]

people is that they've been good friends. So they have gone to their friends weddings, maybe at great cost, both in financially, in terms of the time it takes. And then when they have a celebration that's important to them, let's say, you

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

know, 50th birthday party celebration, or celebrating a new job or some achievement that has been so important to them, the

[Bella De Paulo]

married people whose weddings they went to

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

will either not respond or they'll just say, yeah, we can't make that. Maybe they don't realize it, but that's really hurtful.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

Yeah, it's definitely not good friend behavior.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

Right.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

I saw in one of your blogs that you wrote about your 50th anniversary with yourself, your golden anniversary with yourself.

[Melody Thomas]

Did you throw a party or have

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

a some kind of celebration for that.

[Bella De Paulo]

I didn't at that time, but I

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

had the most wonderful time when Single at Heart was first published and I did a book tour. And at every stop, I organized a

[Bella De Paulo]

dinner with the people in my life who were around there.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

So friends, relatives.

[Bella De Paulo]

And in 2015, I started this online Facebook group called the Community of Single People. And it's for single people mostly who like being single. So we talk about every aspect of

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

single life except dating or trying to become coupled.

[Bella De Paulo]

So it's mostly an online community, but

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

it's been going on for 10, 11 years now, and it has more than 10,000 members from over 100 nations.

[Bella De Paulo]

And I on my book tour, I got to mies at each stop, people

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

from that group that I had never met in person before.

[Bella De Paulo]

And so that, in a sense, was a kind of celebration of singlehood and of the kind of friendships and community you can have as a single person. And it was just so delightful, like

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

sitting around a table with maybe 10, 15, 20 people, all of whom like being single. What a joy.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

It made me think about how important chosen family, community, those wider, extended networks are for those who want to enjoy a life of singledom.

[Bella De Paulo]

Oh, for sure.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

There's so much stigmatizing of single people as being alone or lonely or not having anyone.

[Bella De Paulo]

Well, that's completely wrong. You know, I have lots of people who are significant others to me.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

I'm not having sex with any of them, but I consider them significant.

[Bella De Paulo]

And single people often have a circle of friends and family and people who are important to them that they maintain more conscientiously than married people do.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

So there's research showing that when people

[Bella De Paulo]

get married, they become more insular.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

They spend less time with their friends, they call their parents less often. And I'm not saying everyone does this, but on average, that's what happens. Whereas single people are out there still maintaining their relationships with the people who matter to them. So, sure, married people have the one, but many single people have the ones.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

I feel like that's a lesson that all the coupled people could take from single people is about maintaining those wider connections. Because if, for whatever reason, that relationship fails or isn't working or is causing stress, you need. And just, you know, it's not ideal to rely on one person for all your needs anyway.

[Bella De Paulo]

Yeah, it's not fair to that person.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

Yeah.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

When people who are married or seriously

[Bella De Paulo]

committed to another person, when they become more insular and focus their lives mostly on each other, that can be mostly

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

fine as long as things are going well, but then if the relationship ends with breakup, divorce, widowhood, then they don't

[Bella De Paulo]

have that support system system that single people may have because they didn't.

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[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

Ever put a romantic partner on a pedestal and put everybody else underneath?

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

We have been experiencing and hearing a lot about the high cost of living lately. I think all around the world it's really adding a lot of pressure. How does that particularly impact single people?

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

Oh yes, that can be really hard. First of all, because if you're single

[Bella De Paulo]

and live alone, then you're bearing all

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

the expenses yourself rather than splitting them with somebody else.

[Bella De Paulo]

Another thing is that coupled people, married people, are routine, keenly benefited in many ways. So when they pay less per person

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

than a single person does for insurance, memberships, traveling, rental cars, cultural events, single

[Bella De Paulo]

people are subsidizing the couples. Why am I subsidizing the couples? And even much more important, important in

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

the United States and other places as

[Bella De Paulo]

well, are all the laws that benefit and protect only people who are legally married.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

And so I imagine to be able to live a single life in this current environment, there's a certain amount of privilege there. You need a good job to be able to afford those extra costs. Are people who are single at heart that you speak to finding creative ways to do that? I eat finding another single at heart person to cohabit but in your own space with or I don't know, there

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

are arrangements like that. Another thing that is really heartening is

[Bella De Paulo]

that single at heart isn't connected to

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

your financial well being.

[Bella De Paulo]

And I included in my Single at Heart book stories from people who have the most challenging lives imaginable. Like a woman who is in the lowest social caste in India and she's

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

had all sorts of challenges with being single, but she just says that it's

[Bella De Paulo]

worth it, that she loves her single wife. And that's really heartening because I don't want to be just talking about something

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

that's true of people who are massively privileged.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

I'M wondering if, you know, when it comes to sexuality, basically I was wondering if you are aromantic, whether you get crushes, experience desire, engage in casual relationships. Where does that all fit in?

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

Yes, I do consider myself aromantic.

[Bella De Paulo]

You know, I don't like all that

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

romantic stuff and I don't,

[Bella De Paulo]

I don't get crushes. My vibes are for friendship.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

So I can remember being at a social event recently and talking to this woman and she was so interesting and

[Bella De Paulo]

thought, yeah, that's friend material.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

Okay, so you get like friend crushes. Yeah. Would you say, are you asexual as well? You don't have to answer this, but has sexual connection been part of your life?

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

You know what, I like to keep people guessing.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

Okay, that's fine.

[Melody Thomas]

Let's go more broadly then, because I

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

imagine that there are a fair amount of people who are single at heart but not asexual. So do you hear from lots of people who are engaging in casual sexual relationships or.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

Yes, you know, friends with benefits or, you know. Yeah, they have their arrangements.

[Bella De Paulo]

Another thing is that people who are single at heart sometimes do relationships in unconventional ways.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

Like solo polyamory. Yeah, that sort of consensual non monogamy.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

Yeah. There's more kind of normalizing and more platforming of those convos so that people can see the many ways that they can practice relationships.

[Melody Thomas]

Do you see differences generally in how

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

single men and single women are perceived and judged? And has that changed over time? Do we still think of a single woman as a spinster and a single man as a bachelor, or is that looking different these days?

[Bella De Paulo]

There's still some of that. Although there has been important efforts to

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

reclaim the spit steward.

[Bella De Paulo]

There's still some of the disparity where

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

it seems like single women are put down more.

[Bella De Paulo]

There are groups like the incels who

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

deservedly are getting a bad reputation.

[Bella De Paulo]

But sometimes that is generalized beyond incels

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

to all single men. And that's really not fair.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

I was wondering, we've seen research recently showing that single women fare better when it comes to kind of happiness, mental health than single men. I was wondering if we're starting to pity the bachelor,

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

maybe that would be a change. But what I really hope for is

[Bella De Paulo]

the opposite of that, that we respect and look up to single people of all genders who love their single lives. And even single people who don't love

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

being single so much and wish they were partnered, I think they deserve respect too.

[Bella De Paulo]

And when I think of single people who are unhappily single and wish they were Coupled. I think they should feel proud of themselves for having standards. They didn't just lunge at the first

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

rose that was dangled in front of them.

[Bella De Paulo]

And in doing so they're maintaining their integrity. And that's something that will pay benefits for them all through their life.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

Beautiful. Has there been an attitudinal societal shift? Are we more understanding? I know there's still obviously a long way to go, but my grandmother, for example, was married at 27 and talks about how that was on the shelf and I would be horrified to have a 27 year old say that now. So, I mean, generally the shift, the trend is maybe positive, do you think, or more accepting?

[Bella De Paulo]

I think there is talk of a singles positivity movement.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

I think more single people are willing to say they like being single rather

[Bella De Paulo]

than trying to hide it, although we

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

need more of that.

[Bella De Paulo]

But whenever it's your valued group, like single people starts to make progress, there's always a backlash. So in the United States, we have a lot of pro marriage tradwives.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

Yeah.

[Bella De Paulo]

Yes, that's a great example.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

So while the general consensus is maybe moving towards more understanding, I guess people get all wrapped up in birth rates and repopulating, which I don't understand when we live on a planet that's vastly overpopulated. But people tend to worry about that as well. What does some of the research say about happiness and health and longevity among single people compared to partnered people?

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

Oh, yes, right. Well, yeah, so you always hear these claims that, oh, research shows that married people are happier, healthier, all the rest of it.

[Bella De Paulo]

But when you look at the studies,

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

they're often using what I consider a cheater technique. So they're comparing the married people to the people who are single or not married and say, oh, the married people

[Bella De Paulo]

are happier, but they're only including in the married group the people who are currently married. They're not including the nearly half of the people who got married, hated it and got divorced.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

They didn't do that because marriage was making them happier or healthier or live longer.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

That's true.

[Bella De Paulo]

What you want to know is what

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

happens when people go from single to being married.

[Bella De Paulo]

And there are now well over a dozen studies looking at that. And what these studies find is that when people first get married, sometimes they

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

do feel a little bit happier. You know, it's the wedding and it's all very exciting, but then they go

[Bella De Paulo]

back to being as happy or as

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

unhappy as they were when they are single. And the most recent studies showed that they actually become less happy. Than they were when they were single.

[Bella De Paulo]

And a qualification on that.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

The people who enjoy that honeymoon effect of getting a little bit happier around

[Bella De Paulo]

the time of the wedding. They're only the people who got married and stayed married. The people who, who eventually got divorced were actually becoming less happy as the

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

day of their wedding approached.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

So if you're, if you're listening and your wedding day is approaching and you're finding yourself feeling less happy, just maybe

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

call it now, give it some thought. I'm not that into the who's happier kind of thing.

[Bella De Paulo]

It's more like I want people to be able to lead the life that works for them, that makes them feel most fulfilled and most meaningful in their lives. And, you know, if that's marriage and children, good for you, but it should also be good for you. If you're single and you don't want children. You should feel just as encouraged and

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

support supported as everyone else.

[Melody Thomas]

I imagine that because this cultural narrative

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

is so deeply embedded and pervasive that there will be people listening who are married or who have children, who are partnered, who have never even considered that they might be single at heart. There's going to be people listening who are going, yes.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

Oh yes.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

And I imagine you get approached by those people. Have you heard from, from people like, yes.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

Yeah. In my single at heart quiz that I have posted online, I give them an opportunity at the end to tell me anything they want. And one person said, I just scored as clearly single at heart and my wedding is in two weeks. I don't know what happened, but yeah, I do.

[Bella De Paulo]

And I hear from people who say that they realize that this is who they are and it's most interesting when they are with someone they really do care about. So it's not like they ended up

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

with the wrong person or, you know, that they have a conflicted relationship.

[Bella De Paulo]

It's just that it's not them. And when that is understood earlier, then I think people will be more likely to live their best life and not

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

have to do so much trial and error.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

One area where I feel like probably being coupled is helpful is parenting.

[Melody Thomas]

I mean, even just conception is, you

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

know, harder when you're a single person. And then there's just so much required of parents that having the extra set of hands is, I would say, generally helpful. Do you talk to people who are single at heart but want children or

[Melody Thomas]

but have children about how that plays out?

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

Yes. But first let me tell you about this great study that looked at nationally representative US data from 10 years. They were looking at Heterosexual, married or single moms.

[Bella De Paulo]

And they found that the mothers who were most stressed for time and time

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

poor, as they call it, were the married mothers.

[Bella De Paulo]

They were doing more cooking, more cleaning, more housework, they were having less fun, and they weren't spending any more or

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

less time with their kids than the single mothers. And the researchers went through trying to figure out why this was happening. And what they ended up concluding is

[Bella De Paulo]

that the married mothers were performing the role of the good wife and the

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

good mother, doing things around the house

[Bella De Paulo]

that didn't really need to be done.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

And the single mothers, they're not putting on a show. They're going to do what has to be done and spend their time with their kid and get some, some relaxation.

[Bella De Paulo]

And yet, as you said, it seems so logical that, you know, wouldn't help

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

to have an extra adult around to help you.

[Bella De Paulo]

And it turns out that it does,

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

as long as it's not a husband.

[Melody Thomas]

I was going to say, I wonder

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

how the women relationship, parent relationships look. I imagine they might do the best of all.

[Bella De Paulo]

Yeah. So for example, mothers who are living in multi generational households, they do less housework, they have more help with childcare.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

So all those things that you said to me when you introduced the question of, oh, isn't it going to be easier for the married people? No, it's easier for the people who have other adults around who don't expect the woman to be doing all the housework and the baby work and all the rest of the.

[Melody Thomas]

What advice would you give or to

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

people who are single but not single at heart, who are single but want love or right?

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

First of all, give single life a chance just to see.

[Bella De Paulo]

So give yourself a certain amount of

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

time when you vow not to be out there looking for a romantic partner,

[Bella De Paulo]

but just immerse yourself in your single life, pay attention to your friends, do the things that you really like, do the things that you might not get

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

to do if you find this person.

[Bella De Paulo]

I have stories like that from people

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

who are single at heart that I interviewed before and after the pandemic.

[Bella De Paulo]

And my favorite ones were from the people who were totally committed to wanting a romantic relationship. They were always in one. And then when the pandemic came, it

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

was like musical chairs. They were caught without a relationship.

[Bella De Paulo]

And at first it was really difficult, but then a few of them found that they really loved it, that they

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

loved their freedom, they loved their solitude.

[Bella De Paulo]

And even if you go through an

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

experience like that and you have a

[Bella De Paulo]

positive experience experience, but you still want to, you know, organize your life around a romantic partner. It's still a good thing that you spent that time single because now you know you can do it and that that you're probably not gonna settle.

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

You're going to have your standards.

[Bella De Paulo]

And you know, even for people who try to be single and don't like it, they know who they are now. It's a more informed choice. It's not just social pressures say that

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

everybody has to marry so you have to hurry up and get out there. But it really is something that would work for you.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

What are your favorite things about being single?

[Bella De Paulo]

I love waking up in the morning

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

or anytime I want and getting to arrange my day however I want, getting to eat whatever I want. I go for long walks every day, almost every day along the Pacific Ocean, which is amazing.

[Bella De Paulo]

And I like the big life changing decisions that I get to make on my own. For example, in the year 2000,

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

I

[Bella De Paulo]

moved from the east coast to the

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

west coast of the United States, thousands of miles away.

[Bella De Paulo]

And I loved it so much. So much that instead of saying staying

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

for a year, I wanted to stay forever.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

And you just did it.

[Acast Advertiser]

Yeah.

[Bella De Paulo]

And it was wonderful.

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

Can you tell me about some of your favorite reactions to Single at Heart?

[Bella De Paulo]

Oh, it's been so heartening. Within the first couple of weeks after Single at Heart was published, I got

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

more than 100 heartfelt in emails and

[Bella De Paulo]

social media contacts and even some handwritten

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

cards sent by snail mail.

[Bella De Paulo]

And they said things like, One person said, I have felt such a lightness,

[Bella De Paulo (continued or alternate voice)]

validation and empowerment since reading Single at Heart. Another said that reading Single at Heart

[Bella De Paulo]

was like finding a home. Another person said, I wasted so much of my life trying to be what someone else needed me to be. Now it's my time to shine. And one of them said that she told her therapist, quote, it turned my thinking around to totally embrace my newfound single life.

[Melody Thomas]

Thank you so much, Bella De Paulo, for your time, your research and your boundless enthusiasm. Bella's book is Single at the Power, Freedom and Heart filling Joy of Single Life. And if that title alone doesn't make you want to pick it up, I

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

don't know what will.

[Melody Thomas]

You can also find her Living Single blog over at Psychology Today. And if you want to take the Single at Heart quiz, there's a link in the show notes. But you know, do that carefully if

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

you're in a relationship.

[Melody Thomas]

If something in this episode resonated, please share it. Maybe with a single friend who needs

[Interviewer (possibly Melody Thomas or co-host)]

to hear that done.

[Melody Thomas]

Not a poor thing. Or with a married friend who could stand to call their single friends a bit more. Until next time, take care of yourselves and each other. The Good Sex Project was made by Popsolved Media. It was written and developed by me, Mallody Thomas. Our producer and audio editor is Kirsten Johnstone. Co producers are Kay Hecke and Alaina Bates. Phil Brownlee recorded me in the studio and our sound mix is by Mark Chesterman. Paddy Fred did the music and some of the sound design. Thank you.

[Acast Announcer]

Acast powers the World's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend.

[Ira Madison III]

I just want to say that I'm back with a new podcast, Feedback with Ira Madison iii. Every Thursday, I'll dissect whatever's taking over my group chat. Like who West Wilson from Summerhouse is banging this week, whether film criticism and black art can actually coexist, why every man on a dating app is either illiterate or reading Middlemarch with no in between. And whatever the hell is going on with heated rivalry fans on the Internet, you know exactly who you are. I'll be joined by friends and other culture makers to dissect pop culture politics and the media and all the ways the Internet has rewired our brains permanently. New episodes of Feedback drop every Thursday starting June 18th. Subscribe now to Feedback with Ira Madison III. Wherever you get your podcasts, I should get that.

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