LOVE BITE: Charlie

Summary

The Good Sex Project — LOVE BITE: Charlie

Podcast: The Good Sex Project
Host: Melody Thomas (PopSock Media)
Episode: LOVE BITE: Charlie
Date: May 26, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Good Sex Project spotlights Charlie, a queer, solo non-monogamous New Zealander, whose journey through sexual, romantic, and personal self-discovery includes overcoming trauma, redefining relationships, and learning to show up authentically. Through striking vulnerability and openness, Charlie delves into her upbringing, experiences with abusive relationships, and thoughtful embrace of solo non-monogamy, ultimately sharing her story of transformation and self-acceptance.
Content warnings for sexual assault and intimate partner violence are noted throughout the episode.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Early Life: Identity, Shame, and Authoritarian Upbringing

[02:20–06:52]

• Charlie grew up as the eldest daughter in a multicultural (Cook Island Māori and Pākehā) family in rural New Zealand.
• Describes household as authoritarian: “Children are to be seen and not heard, and everyone who's older than you is an authority.” (Charlie, 04:19)
• At boarding school, internalized misogyny and sexism were commonplace—recalled via a “Would You Rather” game on girls’ attitudes towards their own bodies.
• Shame and secrecy about sex: Charlie’s sex education was late, not rooted in openness. “I think my sex talk came after I had already had sex… We won’t be angry, but we will be disappointed.” (Charlie, 06:52)

2. People-Pleasing, Mirroring, and Dissociation from Needs

[07:15–10:43]

• Conditioned to be likable and accommodating—a classic ‘mirror’ in relationships.
• “I never considered my needs, or maybe even my wants almost at all.” (Charlie, 07:33)
• Would enter relationships by simply ticking boxes, rarely asking, “Do I want to date you?”
• Struggled to assert boundaries or prioritise pleasure: “I think I hadn’t had an orgasm in a year, and he definitely had every time we had sex.” (Charlie, 08:28)

3. Trauma, Abuse, and Turning Points

[11:02–15:00]

• Sexual assault: Charlie recounts being assaulted by coworkers in a “gray area” incident—clearly, she was too drunk to consent.
• Abusive relationship: Next partner was initially supportive and charming but later became emotionally and physically abusive.
• Example of gaslighting: “You do this on purpose, Charlie. You’re trying to get in the way of my workouts. You just don’t want me to be great.” (Charlie, 13:10)
• Final break involved moving back to NZ, then cutting contact: “I drove him to the bus stop… never spoke to him again.” (Charlie, 14:12)

4. Rebuilding: Unlearning Patterns & Embracing Authenticity

[16:05–18:52]

• Post-trauma, Charlie deliberately abandoned old roles—“I’m not gonna wear makeup. Screw you, world, like, had to start somewhere.” (Charlie, 16:31)
• Sought authenticity in friendships: “I don’t know who came back from the UK, but I like this person a lot.” (Charlie's friend, reported by Charlie, 16:47)
• Dated a contrarian who inspired new self-expression (shaved her head, experimented with style, encouraged to stop caring about others’ approval).

5. Discovering & Defining Solo Non-Monogamy

[18:52–21:22]

• Charlie stumbles upon polyamory via a Netflix series and begins deep research.
• Solo non-monogamy for Charlie means: “I do engage in multiple relationships at the same time, all out in the open. I don’t really have a primary partner and I prefer to live by myself.” (Charlie, 03:40)
• Key discovery around independence and agency: “I enjoy the feeling of less pressure and a bit more Charlie time.” (Charlie, 21:04)

6. Jealousy, Compersion, and Communication

[19:32–20:44]

• Charlie investigates concepts like compersion (joy at a partner’s happiness with others).
• “It’s like the opposite of jealousy… but I’m not immune to it either.” (Charlie, 19:57)
• In healthy non-monogamy, jealousy is addressed through communication and working towards acceptance: “Maybe even compersion if you know that they're happy, it makes me happy.” (Charlie, 20:24)

7. Sexual Healing & Kink: The Power of Consent and Vulnerability

[21:40–23:19]

• Charlie finds herself attracted to the intense consent and boundaries modelled in BDSM spaces.
• Vulnerability in practices like shibari (rope bondage): “You’re trapped and you’re kind of putting your comfort in someone else’s hands… made me want to learn how to be more vulnerable and trusting and find someone who made me feel that way.” (Charlie, 22:18)

8. Thriving Solo: Fewer Old Habits, More Agency

[23:32–24:34]

• Solo non-monogamy brings unanticipated calm and trust: “It’s almost hard to mirror people when you’ve got multiple.” (Charlie, 23:32)
• Counter to stereotype: She’s having less sex than in old monogamous relationships.
• Analogy: “I feel like when things aren’t a secret, it’s… maybe less exciting in a good way.” (Charlie, 23:57)

9. Coming Out, Family, and Acceptance

[24:34–26:59]

• Parents know about her non-monogamy: “I kind of have to tell them, they live right next door.” (Charlie, 25:10)
• Ongoing pressure to ‘settle down’: “I thought I was gonna do all those things… find a man, move in together, get married, have kids… I’ve gone way off that and I’ve gone more of a rollercoaster.” (Charlie, 25:50)
• Mother found her decision not to have kids difficult to accept, but family is ultimately supportive: “They're very proud of who I am and where I've got to… given the circumstances, I think they're just happy that I'm happy and healthy and safe.” (Charlie, 26:24–26:59)

10. The Radical Power of Sharing Stories

[27:29–28:04]

• On speaking out: “There’s this idea that you’re the only person who experiences certain things… but blogging taught me you’re never alone. And it really helps me realize as much as I want to be a unique little angel, I'm not. And it's very cathartic to recognize that… we ain’t so different, you and I.” (Charlie, 27:29)

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• On mirroring:
  “I’m really good at reflecting the person in front of me in a way that makes them like me because I’m reflecting them back to them.” (Charlie, 09:34)

• On rejection of old patterns:
  “I've been trying to be what everyone wants me to be, and this is how I get treated. So I just decided to throw all of that in the bin.” (Charlie, 14:27)

• On solo polyamory:
  “I'm not monogamous. Like say it out loud. Tell the people I'm dating and not accept monogamy. Just draw the line, Charlie. And yeah, it's been honestly amazing ever since.” (Charlie, 21:22)

• On vulnerability and trust in kink:
  “If you are a person like myself who avoided a lot of vulnerability over your life, it is hard… made me want to learn how to be more vulnerable and trusting and find someone who made me feel that way.” (Charlie, 22:18)

• On less sex, more agency:
  “When things aren’t a secret… there is literally nothing holding me back. But it just doesn’t maybe have the same appeal anymore.” (Charlie, 23:57)

• On opening up:
  “There's a lot of shame… this idea that you're the only person who experiences certain things. But… people have experienced all types of things and you're never alone… it’s very cathartic to recognize that… we ain’t so different, you and I.” (Charlie, 27:29)

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Episode Highlights & Memorable Moments

• [05:55] The funny, pivotal moment of sexual self-discovery via a sext from a classmate.
• [10:11] High school best friend teased Charlie for altering interests with each new boyfriend—spotlights extreme flexibility in identity.
• [13:10] Abusive partner’s gaslighting monologue over missed lunch—a viscerally memorable scene.
• [16:31] First act of rebellion: stopped wearing makeup as a conscious rejection of contorting self to others’ expectations.
• [17:29] Shaving her head with a new, iconoclastic partner—a physical transformation echoing inner change.
• [22:18] Emotional aftermath of witnessing a shibari show, and the longing for trust and vulnerability.
• [25:10–25:33] Candid reflections on family acceptance and boundaries when living close to parents.

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Key Timestamps

• [03:17] Charlie’s identity: queer, solo non-monogamous
• [04:38] Boarding school, shame, and sexism
• [07:33] Realisation about neglecting own needs
• [11:02] Move to UK; experiencing sexual assault
• [13:35] End of abusive relationship, moving back to NZ
• [16:31] Initial acts of reclaiming self (no makeup)
• [18:52] Discovery of non-monogamy/polyamory concepts
• [20:44] On compersion, boundaries, and independence
• [22:18] Exposure to and response from kink/bdsm spaces
• [23:57] Reflections on solo non-monogamy vs previous sex life
• [26:24–26:59] Family coming to accept Charlie’s choices
• [27:29] The radical power of sharing and connection

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Summary & Takeaway

Charlie’s episode traces a deeply honest path through shame, abuse, discovery, and finally, self-affirmed independence and sexual honesty. Her story exemplifies the radical, healing, and very ordinary power of talking about sex and relationships openly. For listeners wrestling with similar backgrounds or fears, Charlie’s voice is a reminder: “You’re never alone. We ain’t so different, you and I.” (Charlie, 27:29)

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End of Episode Summary

Transcript

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[Podcast Intro Narrator]

No My Howdy Mai this episode features a bit of everything sex, strict parents, non monogamy, mental health kink as well as discussions of sexual assault and intimate partner violence. Although nothing too graphic, there are warnings for these as they come up during the episode if you would like to skip them. Some names and locations have been changed. This podcast was made with the support of New Zealand On Air.

[Charlie]

Hello. Don't go in that room with the door shut. I have what I call a hobbies graveyard.

[Melody Thomas]

We're in the Bay of Plenty meeting Charlie.

[Charlie]

Stuff from painting, watercolour earring, making crochet jewellery making embroidery, little Lego colouring tarot right there. I still have an interest in all of the things, it's just that, you know, I kind of might focus at different times. I can relate to Charlie and maybe that also does align to the relationship thing. If I'm focusing too much on one person, I might get bored.

[Melody Thomas]

I'm Melody Thomas and this is the final love bite for season three of the Good Sex project.

[Charlie]

Let's get started. Hey, my name is Charlie and I use she they pronouns.

[Melody Thomas]

I'm going to use both of those pronouns in this episode, by the way. When it comes to sexuality, who they're into and gender, how they identify. Charlie goes with queer because it's more

[Charlie]

broad and I think it covers who I am. And I would also call myself solo, non monogamous.

[Melody Thomas]

This is the bit that first caught our attention about Charlie's story. We've heard a fair bit about non monogamy, but not so much with the solo attached. What that means for Charlie is that while they do engage in multiple relationships at the same time, all out in the open, I don't really have a

[Charlie]

primary partner and I prefer to live by myself.

[Melody Thomas]

Interesting. But first, backstory. Charlie grew up on a farm with a PKEH dad and a Cook island mori mum.

[Charlie]

As the eldest daughter of a Pacifica woman, there was like a few things that were just sort of sitting on my shoulders. You know, there's this need to host to be a good, helpful person. You're not really supposed to question authority at all. It was very hierarchical view of things. And I would call the type of

[Melody Thomas]

upbringing authoritarian, which basically boils down to

[Charlie]

children are to be seen and not

[Melody Thomas]

heard, and everyone who's older than you is an authority. Plus the rules are expected to be obeyed without question. Being a farm girl, Charlie was sent off to girls boarding school in the early 2000s, where the culture was extremely homophobic and misogynistic.

[Charlie]

It was extremely sexist against themselves.

[Melody Thomas]

Charlie has a great example of this from a game of would you rather.

[Charlie]

They said, would you rather go down on a boy or have a boy go down on you? And the consensus was, I would rather go down on a boy because I wouldn't want to put him through that. My thought process at the time was, I don't believe that boys are in boarding hostels saying the same thing about women's bodies. I think they would say, yeah, I would want her to go down on me.

[Melody Thomas]

And that's what Charlie wanted to say, but it didn't feel safe to do that, so she kept those thoughts on the inside. This is the time of first cell phones, dumb phones by today's standards. Those hardy old Nokia, which basically can't be broken and where texting takes forever because you have to click through every letter to get to the one you want. Instead of sliding into someone's DMs, you might get a random Text from an unknown number. And this happened to Charlie quite often

[Charlie]

when you're in the boarding hostel. Often if your number was with one boy in another boarding hostel, all of the boys had your number. So I had dudes up in my DMs before that was a thing.

[Melody Thomas]

And there was a bit of unsolicited or creepy stuff in there. But some of what popped up on Charlie's phone was surprisingly educational.

[Charlie]

The way that I learned about masturbation was by a horny boy texting me, asking me, like, do you masturbate? Charlie replied, oh, no, I don't want anything going up there. And he was like, nothing has to go up there, right?

[Melody Thomas]

To which Charlie said, tell me more.

[Charlie]

Which he did. All you have to do is this, this, and this. I was like, be right back. Oh, my goodness. It unlocked a whole different thing. So I lost this king. I don't even know.

[Melody Thomas]

Oh, my God. If you're listening, little king, well done. We commend you. Now, if you'd met Charlie when she was little, you'd probably have assumed she was shy. It's not really the case, but being raised in an authoritarian household did leave Charlie kind of scared of talking to adults. So when it came to extra taboo subjects like sex, there was a bit

[Charlie]

of a don't ask, don't tell kind of vibe. I think my sex talk came after I had already had sex, and it was along the lines of, it's okay if you do it and we won't be angry, but we will be disappointed. So, of course I didn't tell them that I had already done it because I was like, this doesn't feel like a safe space.

[Melody Thomas]

Generally speaking, authoritarian parents set rigid rules with no explanation, aren't super flexible, and view obedience as a sign of love. Add a bit of patriarchal socialisation into the mix, which teaches girls to be submissive and men to exercise power and control, and you'll often get something like this.

[Charlie]

I never considered my needs, or maybe even my wants almost at all. I've never found it hard to find someone to date. If I came across someone who was interested in me, I would almost just take off a checklist. Are they nice? Are they smart? Are they funny? If they tick those boxes, Cool, we're dating now. I don't think I ever considered, do I want to date you? There was one guy that I dated was really nice at first, and then after a while, I started to feel like he didn't want to be dating me. And I said to him, hey, if you Want to leave me? Like, you can. You know that, right? And he was like, no, I don't want to leave you. And we kept dating for another year. Even though I could tell he actively, almost disliked me. I walked in on him saying very awful things about me one time. Still didn't break up with him. I just kept trying to fix it. I was like, how do I just make him like me more? I think I hadn't had an orgasm in a year, and he definitely had every time we had sex.

[Melody Thomas]

Was she happy in this relationship? That was irrelevant. It wasn't on her checklist.

[Charlie]

I didn't even consider that leaving was an option.

[Melody Thomas]

As Charlie grew older, she became more outspoken, at least on the big issues.

[Charlie]

I always stood up for things I believed in. I'm like, don't be homophobic around me. Don't be racist around me.

[Melody Thomas]

But she found it more difficult to speak up in more intimate, personal moments, especially if the person she was sticking up for was herself. A lot of us are like this. I often think about it using a restaurant analogy. If I ordered something and the wrong thing came out, would I say something? I mean, I hope so, but I don't know. If that happened to my friend and I was there, I wouldn't even hesitate.

[Charlie]

That's exactly it.

[Melody Thomas]

In those early relationships, Charlie describes herself as a mirror.

[Charlie]

I'm really good at reflecting the person in front of me in a way that makes them like me because I'm reflecting them back to them.

[Melody Thomas]

In its classic psychological definition, mirroring is when someone subconsciously imitates the gesture, speech pattern or attitude of another person. It's a natural behaviour. Most of us do it without even realising to build rapport, signal empathy and foster connection. But the way Charlie describes it, they were such a mirror in their relationships, including their friendships, that they completely lost sight of themselves.

[Charlie]

My best friend from high school teased me that every time I got a new boyfriend, my taste in music changed and I was really defensive about it. I've always been like that. If someone kind of says, oh, I like your hair longer, I might not want to cut it anymore. I can be really fun, outgoing party girl. I can be really chill, stay in, watch movies, don't do anything. It's, I don't know, what do you want me to do?

[Melody Thomas]

Who do you want me to be? All of this conditioning came to a head when Charlie was in their mid-20s and a couple of major things happened at this time, both of which need a content warning. The first one's for assault and the next is for controlling and abusive relationships.

[Charlie]

I lived in the UK and I, like, lived in bars and stuff.

[Melody Thomas]

Charlie literally did live in a bar that was her workplace. And the staff living quarters were on the floor above and in the building next door. It wasn't a great place to be.

[Charlie]

I got basically sexually assaulted by a couple of men that I worked with and that I knew as one of those gray area ones. Really drunk.

[Melody Thomas]

I know what Charlie means by gray area, but it wasn't that grey. She was totally too drunk to consent.

[Charlie]

They were drunk, but I was very, very drunk. After I went to the police, it was a whole thing. And then I started dating a man who was abusive.

[Melody Thomas]

Charlie didn't realise this guy was abusive right away, which is usually the case. In fact, he seemed really great. They'd met on the Internet, and as Charlie went through the process of reporting her sexual assault, he was super supportive. He was also charming, fit in both the English and New Zealand meanings. He was learning a new language. He seemed like a total catch. And part of the support that this guy was offering was helping Charlie to find another job and move out of the area, coincidentally closer to where he lived. They started dating and after a while moved in together. And then slowly his behaviour became toxic. This boyfriend would gaslight and manipulate Charlie, call them names, was constantly accusing them of sleeping with other people.

[Charlie]

It was more like mental, emotional, a little bit physical.

[Melody Thomas]

He didn't hit them exactly, but he shoved them, held them down and threatened to hit them. Charlie had injuries from being thrown at furniture, but they were so disoriented by this relationship that at the time they couldn't see it for what it was.

[Charlie]

I just doubted myself the whole time I knew him.

[Melody Thomas]

Yeah, that's what gaslighting will do to you.

[Charlie]

I used to make his lunch every day when I was at home. And I would try time it so it would be done and in the fridge ready for the next day for him to take to work. I did that because he had so many, like, things after work to do. He was like, I'm gonna work out, I'm gonna learn this, I'm gonna do that. And I was like, I'll just take something off his plate. And this one day he came home and I hadn't finished making his lunch and he wanted to make dinner and he got angry at me and he was just like, you do this on purpose, Charlie. I know you do this on purpose. You're trying to get in the way of my workouts. You just don't want me to be great.

[Melody Thomas]

Eventually, Charlie and this man broke up, but it wasn't a clean break. Before the breakup, they'd been planning to move to New Zealand together, backpacking through some other countries on the way. The tickets were booked and everything was good to go. Charlie couldn't face the idea of doing it all alone, so they made the trip together. As exes, things were okay for the first couple of months, but towards the end of this trip, things got horribly physical. A few days later, they landed in Aotearoa. Charlie's folks picked them up and they pretended nothing was wrong. Within a month, Charlie's ex had a job in another city.

[Charlie]

I drove him to the bus stop and I was like, I'll see you soon. Can't wait to see you. Put him on the bus. Bye. And then never spoke to him again.

[Melody Thomas]

Charlie might have been rid of their abusive ex, but they were not in a good place.

[Charlie]

I was like, poor, sick. My health was physically out the window, felt worthless, and I was like, I hate all of this. I have been nothing but nice to people my whole gym life. I've been trying to be a good person. I'm trying to be what everyone wants me to be, and this is how I get treated. So I just decided to throw all of that in the bin.

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[Melody Thomas]

We're back with Charlie, who's ditched their shitty ex but is struggling in the fallout. Charlie's 26 at this point. With decades of behaving one way and being expected to behave that way under their belt, and it hasn't been working. They know they need to change, but it's a big ask. So Charlie did what anyone facing something monumental should do and started small.

[Charlie]

I'm not gonna Wear makeup. Screw you. World, like, had to start somewhere.

[Melody Thomas]

Next up, Charlie started to look more closely at her friendships. Was she being authentic in them? And if she tried to be more honest and more herself, would those relationships improve?

[Charlie]

I had friends come up to me and be like, I don't know who came back from the uk, but I like this person a lot.

[Melody Thomas]

Eventually, Charlie even started to date again. She met this one guy who became a bit of an inspiration.

[Charlie]

I would say he's a contrarian. He did nothing that people liked, which

[Melody Thomas]

was exactly the influence that Charlie needed.

[Charlie]

I was like, how do you go through life as such a, like, arguably unlikable person while being actually quite likable in the fact that you're somewhat unlikable?

[Melody Thomas]

At one point when they were hanging out, Charlie mentioned that she'd always kind of wanted short hair. And this guy was like, well, okay, why don't you shave your head?

[Charlie]

I'll help you.

[Melody Thomas]

So they did it.

[Charlie]

And then we looked in the mirror and I was like, I look great

[Melody Thomas]

with the number two buzz cut. Charlie felt like they needed to add back in a little glamour. So out came the makeup again.

[Charlie]

Like pink eyeshadow, looking like a 12 year old who got into her mum's makeup. And he was like, cool, you look cute. Let's go out. And I'm like, I look a mess. And he was like, who cares, Charlie?

[Melody Thomas]

How refreshing to be with someone who didn't give a fuck what anyone else thought and who encouraged her to do the same. In 2015, Charlie did what every other opinionated millennial with a talent for words did and started a blog. Charlie wrote about being a survivor of sexual assault and intimate partner abuse, about mental health, PTSD and adhd, both of which she's been diagnosed with. Plus cvid, or common variable immunodeficiency. She calls it Charlie's Very irritating disease, which makes Charlie fatigued and means she gets really sick easily. She wrote about love and sexuality, which she was reading and learning a lot about at the time as part of her mission to figure out who she was. And it was around this time that she stumbled upon polyamory while watching a strangely wholesome Netflix show called how to Build a Sex Room. This episode in particular features a polycule.

[Charlie]

I think there might be seven of them or something. And the way everyone was just like, yeah, some people live here, some people don't, but we want this space to be open for all the whole polycule. And the way they were talking about things was so normal. And I was like, wow, you can just be like that for realsies. And I was like, that looks quite cool. I don't know if I want that life, but I like the idea of it just being normal.

[Melody Thomas]

Since getting back to Aotearoa and dumping their ex at the bus station, Charlie had had a couple of short term relationships. But at this point she was single. So she started doing some more research into non min monogamy. Her ADHD helped her here.

[Charlie]

I'm a real hyper fixator. I did so much research. I guess one of the rabbit holes I went down when I started learning about what is a polycule, what is compersion. Do you know what compersion is?

[Melody Thomas]

Compersion is a feeling of happiness caused by another person's happiness. Especially by seeing one's romantic or sexual partner interacting positively with another one of their partners.

[Charlie]

Yes, exactly. It's like the opposite of jealousy.

[Melody Thomas]

For a lot of people, conversion is a skill that is learned and cultivated, though some find it easier than others.

[Charlie]

I don't think I am as jealous as some other people, but I'm not immune to it either.

[Melody Thomas]

The reason I'm pointing this out is that a lot of people still think non monogamous folk don't feel jealousy, when of course they do. It's just that instead of avoiding it, they typically focus on managing, communicating and working through jealousy towards acceptance.

[Charlie]

Maybe even compersion if you know that they're happy. It's like it makes me happy.

[Melody Thomas]

As part of Charlie's research, she also started asking herself a bunch of other questions that she never had before.

[Charlie]

What are my boundaries? What are my wants, needs, expectations, you know, fears, desires, all those types of things.

[Melody Thomas]

And a lot of what she did want was totally aligned with non monogamy.

[Charlie]

That feeling when you just meet someone and they like brush up against you and you're like, I don't want to have to shy away from these things. And I also don't want anyone I'm dating to have to shy away from them either.

[Melody Thomas]

They also really wanted to maintain their independence. Charlie prefers to live by themselves.

[Charlie]

You know, one day maybe that might change. But at this moment in time, I enjoy the feeling of less pressure and a bit more Charlie time.

[Melody Thomas]

More time to add hobbies to the graveyard. Eventually, when Charlie was ready, they took the plunge.

[Charlie]

Like, just say it, just say it. I'm not monogamous. Like say it out loud. Tell the people I'm dating and not accept monogamy. Just draw the line, Charlie. And yeah, it's been honestly amazing ever since.

[Melody Thomas]

Three years into Their life as a solo non monogamous queer babe. Charlie's thriving in a way that their younger self didn't actually know was possible for them. They've got a couple of different ongoing partners and are open to new people and new experiences should they make an appearance. They've been dabbling in bdsm. As a survivor, Charlie's attracted to the incredible consent modelling that happens in those spaces.

[Charlie]

It's all communication, consent, boundaries, aftercare, caring for each other.

[Melody Thomas]

Though it can be confronting at times. Like the time Charlie and one of their lovers went along to a shibari class. Shibari's Japanese rope bondage, in case you

[Charlie]

didn't know, it is really vulnerable. And if you are a person like myself who avoided a lot of vulnerability over your life, it is hard because, like, you're trapped and you're kind of putting your comfort in someone else's hands. So you've got to really trust them, you've got to feel really safe, you've got to let go. And that aspect I found really confronting. Actually, one time I went to a show where they did live shibari and it was obviously proper professionals. They did suspension and I went home and cried. It made me, like, really upset because I was like, I can't even imagine in this world a person that I could trust that much. That made me want to learn how to be more vulnerable and trusting and find someone who made me feel that way.

[Melody Thomas]

Charlie isn't at the end of her journey, not by any means. None of us are. But she has come such a long way when it comes to people. Pleasing, knowing herself, showing herself for who she is rather than mirroring everyone around her. I mean, it's almost hard to mirror

[Charlie]

people when you've got multiple. But they've got other partners. They're not hyper fixating on what I do or do not do. And they trust me and they are kind to me and we communicate, we are open and honest about any other connections we have.

[Melody Thomas]

Something I find interesting is that Charlie reckons they're actually having less sex now than they ever did as a serial monogamist.

[Charlie]

It makes me think of the kid at high school who always had like really strict parents who sneaks out and goes drinking and partying all the time compared to the kid who has really chill parents who are like, just tell me what you're doing and we'll come pick you up. And that kid doesn't go to the parties and definitely doesn't sneak out. And if they do go to the parties, they've told someone about it. I feel like when things aren't a secret, it's a bit, I don't know, maybe it's less exciting in a good way. Cause I could still do that stuff. There is literally nothing holding me back. But it just doesn't maybe have the same appeal anymore.

[Melody Thomas]

Let's finish this episode back where we started with family. When Charlie was a kid, they didn't feel like they had much of a voice. They hid their needs and got on with being what their family needed them to be. The responsible eldest, the good host who is helpful, unquestioning and accommodating. But through this process of unlearning and reclaiming, Charlie has come to a new understanding of themselves as fiercely independent, queer, non conforming. But how would their parents take that news? Would Charlie be brave enough to tell

[Charlie]

them they know I'm non monogamous. I've come out to them in that way. I kind of have to tell them they live right next door.

[Melody Thomas]

Oh yeah, I forgot that part. Charlie actually lives on her parents large property in her own little house down the hill. So she felt like she had to explain maybe people coming in and out,

[Charlie]

I'd be like, maybe I would like to have some space this weekend type thing. I don't know if they're stoked about it.

[Melody Thomas]

Don't ask many questions.

[Charlie]

They don't ask that many questions. Yeah, yeah.

[Melody Thomas]

And do you feel like there is any pressure from them around, like wanting you to settle down, start a family, all those kind of traditional things?

[Charlie]

Yes, for sure. I thought I was gonna do all those things. I thought I was gonna find a man, move in together, get married, have kids, buy a house, da, da, da. Whatever the rules are. I've went way off that and I've gone more of a rollercoaster, I'd say. And they've had to accept it. I've told them I don't want kids. That was hard for my mum to accept. She's kind of like, like. Or you could just have one and then I can have, I can look after it.

[Melody Thomas]

Yeah.

[Charlie]

I'm like, chill out.

[Melody Thomas]

Luckily for Mum, there are other siblings to produce grandchildren.

[Charlie]

So the pressure has come off in that way. They're very proud of like who I am and where I've got to. Because I've been through some things and I've come out the other side. I've got a really cool job that I'm good at and I love and I think a few years ago, I don't even know if I thought that was going to be possible because mental health, physical health issues. So I think, you know, given the circumstances, I think they're just happy that I'm happy and healthy and safe, which

[Melody Thomas]

as a parent is really all you can hope for your kids. Thank you, Charlie, so much for reaching out to share your story. One of the themes that we're going to explore further in season three of the Good Sex Project is the radical power of talking about these kinds of things. So I think it is fitting to finish with Charlie's reflections on what opening up in this way has done for them.

[Charlie]

I think there's a lot of shame, but there's also like this weird feeling, fear, and this idea that you're the only person who experiences certain things. There's one thing I learned from blogging is that people have experienced all types of things and you're never alone. And it really helps me realize as much as I want to be a unique little angel, I'm not. And it's very cathartic to recognize that, that we're all on these journeys and we're all, we ain't so different. You and I too.

[Melody Thomas]

Right, Charlie? That is it for our love bites for now. I hope your appetite's wetted and you're primed and gagging.

[Charlie]

Ooh.

[Melody Thomas]

For the first full episode of the Good sex Project Season 3, which is dropping in a couple of weeks, we're going to be traveling to places near and far, like Australia, Canada and Gore to talk with people about their intimate, vulnerable, sometimes embarrassing, and often hilarious sex and love lives. We'll explore themes like sex work.

[Charlie]

All your clients must be really disgusting, old, horrible men unfortunately love. The reality is that they're probably your uncle.

[Melody Thomas]

Infidelity. I didn't think that anyone could do this to another person. Recovering and even thriving after sexual trauma

[Charlie]

after we have been assaulted, there is a big chance that the things you used to like, you don't like anymore. It doesn't mean you lose yourself. It doesn't mean you can't have the sex you want.

[Melody Thomas]

And what takes sex from good to great and beyond.

[Charlie]

He said, I've got this really good idea.

[Melody Thomas]

Next year I want to give you 365 orgasms all the way to earth shattering, mind boggling, consciousness shifting.

[Charlie]

Having the kind of sex where time just stands still and you feel connected to everyone who's ever lived and maybe to the cosmos itself.

[Melody Thomas]

Plus, we'll call up some old Good Sex Project favorites to see how they're going.

[Charlie]

Yeah, I've had shit roots. I think everyone in New Zealand has bloody had a shitroot.

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Not bloody wallowing and self pretty. I'm bloody good.

[Melody Thomas]

I blame everything on perimenopause at the moment. It's so helpful. We laugh so much, we're silly, but

[Charlie]

we just also know that we just

[Melody Thomas]

hold each other in every way.

[Charlie]

You just feel like home.

[Melody Thomas]

All that and much more in season three of the Good Sex Project coming very soon. Thank you so much for listening to the Good Sex Project made with the support of New Zealand on Air. If you love the show, please subscribe, rate and review us on your favourite podcast platform and tell your friends and people you're messaging on the dating apps and strangers on the dance floor and in club bathrooms. If you want to get in touch with me or the team, you can send us a message on Instagram oodsexproject or you can email goodsexprojectmail.com we love to hear from you. The Good Sex Project was made by PopSoc Media. It was written and developed by me, Melody Thomas. Our producer and all audio editor is Kirsten Johnstone. Co producers are Kay Hecke and Elena Bates. Phil Brownlee recorded and mixed these episodes and Patty Fred did the music. Thanks Team.

[Charlie]

Sam.

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[Charlie]

Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Hello everyone.

[Sarah Lane]

Sarah Lane here with Roger Chang. Hey Roger.

[Charlie]

Hello everyone.

[Sarah Lane]

And Tom Merritt.

[Tom Merritt]

Hey everybody.

[Sarah Lane]

We wanted to give you a big update we're very excited about on our weekly product review series called Live With It.

[Tom Merritt]

Yes, Live with it started as an occasional DTNS segment for our patrons [e-mail] DTNs but because of such great feedback, we decided to open it up as a standalone show with even more reviewers and a wider range of products.

[Charlie]

And now because of even greater feedback we've gotten since then, we're giving Live with it its own YouTube channel. Yay.

[Tom Merritt]

It's still produced by the DTNS family of folks and friends. Nothing changes. Content wise. We'll be reviewing all the tech products, services and platforms that we think you'll care about.

[Sarah Lane]

We are also leaning on all of you, our community, for ideas and suggestions. Are you thinking about a new smart speaker, Robo vacuum modular laptop, kitchen gadget, or a software purchase for your next creative project. We'll live with it, so you stay informed. We've also heard you like our show to be easier to access on YouTube and especially easier for new subscribers to find us.

[Charlie]

So.

[Sarah Lane]

So that's exactly what we're doing. Can't wait for you to join us for the next round of episodes. Subscribe now.

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[Charlie]

Acast. Com.