Tender Ground

Summary

The Good Sex Project – Episode 6: Tender Ground

Date: July 14, 2026
Host: Melody Thomas (PopSoc Media)
Primary Guests: Kim & Sarah (Survivor Interviewees), Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)

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Episode Overview

In "Tender Ground," host Melody Thomas explores the journey of recovery from sexual trauma. Through deeply vulnerable conversations with two survivors, Kim and Sarah, and the insights of trauma expert Jimeneka Eborn, the episode covers dissociation, trauma responses, shame, the impact of socialization, and practical steps towards healing and reclaiming sexuality. The tone is compassionate, honest, at times raw, and ultimately affirming.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Metaphor of the Sexual Garden

• Introduction: Melody introduces the central metaphor (inspired by Emily Nagoski): each person's sexuality is like a plot of land—a garden shaped by the seeds (messages) planted by family, culture, and personal experience, but also subject to invasive species such as shame, myths, and trauma.
  • “No matter what’s happened to you, the garden that is your birthright hasn’t gone anywhere. It’s waiting and learning how to reclaim what’s yours. That’s what this episode is about.” (02:39)

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2. Kim’s Story: Dissociation and Suppressed Identity

Background:

• Grew up with a staunch Catholic mother; sexuality and pleasure were taboo.
• Early same-sex experiences were minimized or characterized as “practicing for boys.”

Key Experiences:

• Dissociation as Survival:
  • Kim repeatedly dissociated during sex in adult life, imagining safe journeys on a train to escape traumatic experiences, only realizing this through therapy.
  • “That's a dissociative thing that I'm doing, but how wild that I'm, you know, picking up my bags and leaving and my body's still there being fucked and feeling like it's present.” (05:48 – Kim)
  • Melody intelligently explains dissociation as “an escape hatch, a way of mentally exiting the traumatic situation even as their body remains in it.” (06:04)
• Performing Straightness:
  • Societal and family pressures led Kim to suppress their queer identity, going so far as to marry a man and have children despite not connecting to that version of themselves.
  • “The level of deception I can do in my head is wild. I was so enthusiastically good at dating the men in a really convincing way, even to myself.” (10:51 – Kim)
• Effects of Coercive Control and Abuse:
  • Married for nearly 20 years; relationship became increasingly controlling, isolating, and abusive, including non-consensual sex and emotional harm.
  • “If I look back now at some of the ways we had sex, absolutely not consensual. There's a particular moment where I know I'm being held down and told to stay still. …I was really tired and mostly I was really scared.” (13:57 – Kim)
• Pathway to Leaving:
  • A trip overseas rekindled connection and agency, leading Kim to end the marriage.
  • The journey out brought lasting impacts: dissociation, shame, and the need to re-excavate self-worth and pleasure.

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3. Sarah’s Story: Betrayal, Silence, and Survival

Background:

• Raised Catholic in rural New Zealand, sex was taboo and shrouded in silence.
• Received little-to-no sex education beyond a book “slipped” into her room.

Key Experiences:

• Sexual Assault and Resulting Trauma:
  • First consensual sexual experience was clumsy; shortly after, Sarah was raped in a bar’s bathroom by someone she barely knew.
  • She did not initially view it as rape, having internalized myths about what sexual assault looks like.
  • “We'd always been taught rape was, like, in the back alleyway when you're on your way home drunk by, like, a random person that you don't know. But the more I've learned... a lot of cases is people that you know.” (18:51 – Sarah)
• Life-Threatening Ectopic Pregnancy:
  • Resulted from the assault, leading to emergency medical intervention.
  • “I remember the doctor coming in and he's just like, right, we've run some tests and you're pregnant. And I just remember being like, what? No, no, I'm not...” (20:25 – Sarah)
• Culture of Shame and Silence:
  • Lied to family about the true circumstances due to guilt and inability to talk about sex or sexual violence.
  • “How could you not though?” (Responsibility and shame, 22:52)
• Trauma Responses in Adulthood:
  • Engaged in frequent, sometimes numbing, sex in college; entered a subsequent five-year abusive relationship, marked by psychological, physical, and sexual violence.
  • “It actually probably took multiple breakdowns on my behalf... I ended up going and living with my parents... she was like, you're a shell of yourself.” (28:14 – Sarah)

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4. Socialization, Shame, and the Patterns of Trauma

• Social Messaging:
  • Melody and guests discuss how girls and women are conditioned to accommodate, please, and silence themselves, making them vulnerable to repeated violations and coercion.
  • “You can lose faith in your right to have preferences at all, to take up any space, to want anything. This connects to a trauma response called fawning, where a person appeases or pleases subconsciously in order to stay safe.” (26:49 – Melody)

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5. Expert Insight: Jimeneka Eborn on Healing and Pleasure

Background and Perspective:

• Jimeneka shares openly about her own significant childhood and adult trauma, including witnessing her mother’s murder and being raped at 21.
  • “I’m a child of trauma... My mother was murdered in front of me when I was one by my sperm donor.” (31:09 – Jimeneka)
• “At the age of 21, I was raped. That really changed my life. I didn't tell anyone for eight years.” (31:49 – Jimeneka)

On the “Poster Survivor” Myth:

• Challenges the idea that healing has one look, or that survivors must conform to “digestible” narratives to be believed and supported.
  • “Being a survivor is messy. You can have pleasure while you're navigating it. You can have a breakdown. You can be sad, you can be angry, you can be happy, you can have joy. Like, there isn't one way that a survivor looks, which I think adds to a lot of victim-blaming. And that pisses me off.” (32:34 – Jimeneka)

On the Realities of Recovery:

• Healing is not linear; grieving the loss of innocence or expectations is part of the process.
  • “I had to grieve parts of what I thought I was going to be and who I was. And I think survivors don't actually realize that we should allow grieving in that because it is losing a part of yourself.” (36:58 – Jimeneka)

Practical Healing: The Self-Date Practice (38:50-42:46)

• Jimeneka outlines a step-by-step, body-focused process for survivors to gently reconnect with pleasure and autonomy:
  1. Use your senses: “Have a delicious meal... take yourself out if you want.”
  2. Body movement: “There's a lot of energy in our bodies... move that energy.”
  3. Cleanse & care: “Take a delicious bath or shower... do it so special for you.”
  4. Body scanning & touch: “Figure out what kind of touch is feeling good for you. Try different sexual positions.”
  5. Experiment and learn: “There is a big chance that the things you used to like, you don't like anymore or you have to change them. ...You learn these things and then that's what you're able to tell people and then you can go, you know what will make this so good? Let me tell you the positions that are going to make me feel great.”
  • “Give them your blueprint. People are open to being taught if they care. If they push back and don't care, your flag has been risen. That is information.” (41:51 – Jimeneka)
  • Melody emphasizes the importance of self-compassion: “There is no one way to navigate it. It's trial and error. But starting out equipped with what your own boundaries are, that's how I think we can start a little bit better.” (42:33)

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6. Moving Forward: Growth, Self-Empowerment, and Compassion

• Kim:

  • Gradually experiencing dissociation less often, feeling grateful for language and the ability to communicate needs to partners.
  • “I feel really grateful because I've got language for it and so I can talk, like, to a partner about it and say, this is what's happening for me. … I don't need to get on that train.” (37:31)
  • Reflects on pride in their journey: “Like 15 year old me I think would think 50 year old me is a baddie in the best possible way.” (44:06)

• Sarah:

  • Working hard on rebuilding self-knowledge and confidence; recognizes the need for emotional connection in sexual intimacy.
  • “I actually went through a phase where I'm like, God, am I asexual? Like, do I just not like sex? I realised I needed the emotional connection.” (45:00)
  • She’s learning to ask herself: “Is this something I want to do?” (46:50)

• Expert Recap:

  • Jimeneka closes: “You do not have to hold that that shame and guilt should be upon the person that decided to invade your space and harm you.” (47:20)
  • Affirms that healing is an ongoing process: “Meeting yourself where you are is such a gift.” (48:22)

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• Melody Thomas:
  • “No matter what's happened to you, the garden that is your birthright hasn't gone anywhere. It's waiting and learning how to reclaim what's yours.” (02:39)
• Kim:
  • “That's a dissociative thing that I'm doing, but how wild that I'm, you know, picking up my bags and leaving and my body's still there being fucked...” (05:48)
  • “The level of deception I can do in my head is wild. I was so enthusiastically good at dating the men in a really convincing way, even to myself.” (10:51)
• Sarah:
  • “We'd always been taught rape was, like, in the back alleyway... but... it's people that you know.” (18:51)
  • “You just gave in? … That seems to be. Thank you for saying that because it has seemed to be. That's been a theme for me, giving in to males’ desires and that really annoys me...” (26:31)
  • “I remember the doctor coming in and he's just like, right, we've run some tests and you're pregnant. … No, no, I’m not…” (20:25)
• Jimeneka Eborn:
  • “Being a survivor is messy. You can have pleasure while you're navigating it. You can have a breakdown. You can be sad, ... there isn't one way that a survivor looks... That pisses me off.” (32:34)
  • “You are never late navigating it because you’re always growing. Meeting yourself where you are is such a gift.” (48:22)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• Opening & Trauma Metaphor: 01:57–05:07
• Kim’s Story Intro & Dissociation: 05:07–17:17
• Sarah’s Story Intro & Early Trauma: 17:17–29:10
• Trauma Specialist Interview (Jimeneka Eborn): 30:45–42:46
• Self-Date Healing Practice: 38:50–42:46
• Growth, Reflections, and Forward Steps: 42:46–48:33

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Episode Tone and Style

• Candid, supportive, and unflinching
• Offers both gritty reality and hope
• Explicit when discussing trauma, but always with care and consent

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Takeaways for Listeners

• Trauma, shame, and dissociation are common but not permanent; healing is unique to every survivor.
• There is no “perfect survivor” or “right way” to heal.
• Pleasure and agency in sexuality can be reclaimed through self-knowledge and gentle, embodied practice.
• Responsibility always lies with the person who committed harm—not the survivor.
• A garden may be damaged, but the soil remains, available for new growth whenever the survivor is ready.

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Resources

• Helplines mentioned (NZ):
  • Victim Support: 0800 842 846
  • Youthline: 0800 376 633 / text 234 / [e-mail]
  • Rape Crisis: 0800 88 33 00
  • Safe to Talk: 24/7, call, text or web chat at SafeToTalk NZ
  • ACC Sensitive Claims for survivors of sexual harm

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If any themes in this episode are familiar, you’re not alone—help is available. This powerful episode is essential listening for survivors and allies seeking clarity, healing, and hope.

Transcript

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[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host Introduction)]

Kia ora koutou this episode deals with recovery from sexual trauma so please take extra care with when and where you listen. We touch on coercion, assault and rape and there is a brief discussion of murder and violent crime as well. If that feels like too much right now, do skip this one or maybe come back to it when you are ready. We also have a bonus episode of writers reading letters to their libido if you would rather head there instead. If you do go ahead, know that there is some really gorgeous trauma informed advice in the second half. Some names and locations and voices have been changed. This podcast was made with the support of New Zealand on Air.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

The inspiration for this intro comes from the incredible Emily Nagoski. Thank you Emily for all the life changing work you do. Take a moment to imagine on the day you're born. You're given a plot of land filled with rich and fertile soil. From this will grow the garden of your sexuality. Into the soil, your family begin to plant seeds. Ideas about bodies, pleasure, connection, about safety and love. Those seeds germinate and begin to sprout. But as tends to happen in a garden, weeds and invasive species also appear, blown in on the winds of culture. These are the seeds of myth and mistruth. The toxic vines of beauty standards, the strangling roots of purity culture. The bindweed of shame. If we're lucky and our family only planted good, healthy seeds, our job will be easy. Weed out those nasty interlopers and tend to the rest. Eventually reap the rewards of the harvest. But most of us will get stuck with some pretty toxic crap with roots so deep they feel impossible to pull out on your own, and which anyway seem to spring back as soon as they're cleared. For some, the damage will go even deeper than that. Their gardens will be taken into the hands of another and plundered, scorched, salted. But even scorched earth holds seeds. No matter what's happened to you, the garden that is your birthright hasn't gone anywhere. It's waiting and learning how to reclaim what's yours. That's what this episode is about. I'm Melody Thomas. Welcome to the Good sex project. Episode 6 Tender Ground.

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

I would get on a train.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

This is Kim. We're in the south island for this conversation, but the train they're talking about is in Melbourne.

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

I will be at the station and I will be finding my card, going through the gates, walking towards the train. And then I'll be on the train going towards my friend's house out there.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

It's a simple, happy memory for Kim from a safe time in their life. And it's a memory that would replay in their head many, many times as they were having sex with someone.

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

I would do that journey anytime I needed to do that journey.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

And Kim did this for years. It wasn't until they started therapy that they even realized what was going on.

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

That's a dissociative thing that I'm doing, but how wild that I'm, you know, picking up my bags and leaving and my body's still there being fucked and feeling like it's present

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

dissociation is when your mind sort of separates your conscious attention away from your bodily senses. It exists on a spectrum and most of us have experienced a mild version of it. That feeling of driving somewhere and arriving with no memory of the journey or zoning out mid conversation present in your body, but somewhere else entirely in your head. But for people who experience trauma, dissociation can become something much more intense. Rather than a kind of benign inattention, it becomes an escape hatch, a way of mentally exiting the traumatic situation even as their body remains in it. The mind learns very early and very efficiently that leaving is safer than staying. And in the moment, it works beautifully. The emergency exit does exactly what it's supposed to do.

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

It's nice to have safe spaces, like in our minds and in our bodies.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

The problem comes later, when the danger's past and you're with someone you actually want to be present with, but you find that the exit door has been left permanently ajar.

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

It's the get me out of here train. Like.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

Yeah.

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

It's not a subtle metaphor. It's not. And it's amazing how it took me so long to pick up on it.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Problematic dissociation can be kicked off by a single seriously traumatic event. But more often, it accumulates layer by layer, each layer so thin it's almost imperceptible on its own. Kim's in their early 50s and identifies as queer and genderqueer. They grew up in the UK and eventually found their way to New Zealand, where they put down roots. But for a long time, who they truly were stayed buried, pressed down by all those layers that were laid down through their lifetime. Today we're going to start to uncover some of them. Let's get digging.

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

My mum's a really staunch Catholic, so there's. Yeah, lots of the fun shit is very simple, you know. We definitely didn't talk about any of those things. I didn't really see anything either.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

An upbringing where bodies were sinful, pleasure was shameful and sex wasn't really spoken of.

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

My first consensual sexual experiences were with another girl at school. We were together for a good long time, from the ages of about 11 till the age of 13 when she got a boyfriend. And what we were doing was always characterising her mind as practicing for the boys.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Kim's reality being overwritten by someone they trusted. This is when Kim says their first dissociative feeling started, by the way. And meanwhile, on the home front, my

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

mum's sister is a lesbian and I remember Mum talking about going down to meet her and in her bars and her people, and it's disgusting.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

You don't need to hear that word many times for it to take root. Maybe things could have turned out differently for Kim if they'd heard some other perspectives about sexuality. But. Well, firstly, sex ed in the 80s in the UK wasn't great, at least at Kim's school. The only memory that they have of it is pretty random.

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

We watched a Smurf video for sex education. That's about all I remember. Strong Kids, Safe kids was the song

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Penis is what boys have down in front.

[Progressive Insurance Announcer]

Penis is the word though.

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

It's.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

We're not going to get into this too much cause it's way off topic. But it is a real thing. And it's not just the Smurfs in that film. There's also the Flintstones and Scooby Doo and the Fonz from Happy Days. Self respect is cool and so are you.

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

I have found the video as an adult. It is so creepy.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

We'll drop a link in the show notes. And secondly, a queer or queer friendly teacher for Liz wasn't going to happen either, thanks to something called Section 28. So at the time in the UK, UK teachers were banned from acknowledging that gay relationships even existed because to do so would promote homosexuality. And that was the case all the way from 1988 up until 2003. Kim did go to uni, which helped open their world up a little bit.

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

And there were a lot of openly queer people then. But I still kind of thought that is something I can see. And that's. That's not something for me. That's not something I'm allowed, you know.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

So Kim did what many queer people of their generation did. They buried it, performed straightness so convincingly they even fooled themselves. It's not dissociation as such, but it's fertile ground for it.

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

The level of deception I can do in my head is wild. I was so enthusiastically good at dating the men in a really convincing way, even to myself.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

So convincing they even ended up marrying one.

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

We were together for almost 20 years. We met overseas. He was really funny and he could be really lovely. We saved the money, came over here, built a house.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Eventually they got married and had a couple of kids. From the outside, everything looked perfect.

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

It was, you know, hashtag life goals, everything that my mum wanted for me.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

But everything wasn't perfect.

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

I don't really know when it first went bad. I knew there were things that weren't great about it. I didn't understand the extent of it and I. And I didn't understand the power dynamics of it.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Are there red flags in retrospect that you would now like tell others to look out for?

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

Some of it was too subtle. I mean, I think if I say it's a red flag that people Rip your things up. Or if you say that you're going out for the evening and they're mad about that, like, when I say those things out loud, I'm like, well, yeah, of course. My world kind of shrunk to a point that it was all about, how is he gonna feel when he comes home?

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Kim's sharing from two separate chapters in her life, one which involves suppressed sexuality and the other a controlling marriage. But these chapters share a common branch. Years of learning to override your own instincts, to silence what you feel and perform a version of yourself that's acceptable. That kind of thing doesn't stay contained to one place. You practise it. And it's the kind of thing that other people might choose to exploit.

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

I think it was easy to isolate me.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Remember, Kim wasn't in their home country.

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

I don't have family, I don't have finances. And now, like, however many years after leaving, I still don't understand how I shrank in that way.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Kim says that they still can't speak about the abuse in their marriage in coherent sentences. They get flashes, but the full picture stays out of reach. And this is completely normal for survivors of trauma under extreme stress. The brain doesn't record experiences the way it usually does. It stores fragments, sensory details or emotional imprints. The cruel irony of that is that this disjointedness, the very thing that makes trauma real, is often what makes others doubt a survivor's story. In fact, it's exactly what trauma experts would expect to find.

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

If I look back now at some of the ways we had sex, absolutely not consensual. There's a particular moment where I know I'm being held down and told to stay still. I can feel that moment. I don't know what it's connected to. I was really tired and mostly I was really scared.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Kim says that their kids were a real lifeline for them during this relationship. But looking back, they can see that they were a shell of themself for most of it. And then Kim was given an opportunity to go overseas for work.

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

Anna nearly didn't go because he was so angry.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

But they did go. They got on a plane and spent some time on the other side of the world, working and reconnecting with extended family, including their mum's sister, the disgusting lesbian, and some old friends, as well as new friends that were made on the trip. It's amazing that they even went, really, considering how low their self esteem was at the time.

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

I doubted everything about myself. I saw some of my friends from school. And I was just really confused. I was like, why are they talking to me? Like, don't they know how awful I am? Don't they know what a stupid fucking bitch I am?

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

In the end, the space of that trip was exactly what Kim needed. By the time they boarded a plane back home to Aotearoa, they knew they'd be leaving their marriage.

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

I came back from that and left. I felt really ashamed that I somehow, like, let myself be in this position.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Kim had managed to get themself out of that abusive situation, which is no small feat. But they would continue to reckon with the legacy of those years of abuse for a long time with things like dissociation, the train they'd find themselves on during sex, and with shame around letting themself end up in that situation. This is a common feeling among those who've managed to get out of relationships that feature coercive control. The persistent undermining of your reality in the form of gaslighting teaches you that your own judgment can't be trusted. And the blame gets pointed inward rather than at the person who caused the harm. So, yeah, it's going to take a while for Kim to dig down past those layers of abuse and coercion as an adult and through the homophobic messaging that they got in childhood, to find the truth of who they are, those early seeds and bulbs which haven't been given the chance to thrive yet. In the meantime, I want you to meet someone else. She's from Southland, the Deep south, and we first connected over what it's like dating in rural New Zealand. The short answer to which is Daiya. But it turns out that this terrain's been even more of a minefield for our next guest since, thanks to some experiences she had as a young adult. Just like Kim, she had a kind of double whammy. Layers of sex, negative beliefs early on, compounded by some specific incidents resulting in trauma responses. She's still figuring out how to fully shake off. Let's get to know her.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

Hi, I'm Sarah. I have two kids. I'm a straight female. I've been single for about two years.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Sarah's edging up to 40, and she was raised Catholic.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

Like Kim, you were taught the rights and wrongs and the do's and don'ts.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

From a Catholic perspective, among the wrongs or don'ts was sex.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

You don't talk about it. You don't ask questions about it. I remember once my mother slipped a book into my room about puberty.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Classic.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

Yeah, here it is. For you. And if you have questions, well, too bad. Let's not talk about this.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Sarah's quick to point out that she doesn't blame her parents for this. They were doing the best they could with what little information and role modelling they had.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

So you kind of just had to pick up information, learn from your peers and what they're doing. Sort of 15, 16. A lot of girls were already having sex and sleeping with people. I was probably in the last third or quarter of my age group to do that.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Sarah was 18 when she had her first consensual sexual encounter. But it didn't go entirely according to plan.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

I thought I'd had sex, but he didn't get it in and we're both drunk and it was just awkward and so I left.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

And then not long after that, something happened that she didn't consent to. Sarah went out to a bar with friends. They were drinking Red Bull and vodka

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

and she was completely off my face.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

She found herself in the bathroom stall at the bar with a guy she kind of knew, but not very well.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

And, yeah, he essentially preyed on me and ended up having sex in a toilet stall. And I came out afterwards and I mustn't have been right, cause I remember a friend of mine, he saw me and he was kind of like, do you just want to come home with me? I can tell you're not right. We'd always been taught rape was, like, in the back alleyway when you're on your way home drunk by, like, a random person that you don't know. But the more I've learned about it, a lot of cases is people that you know. I never ever really thought about it as rape until I was actually discussing it with a counsellor. She's like, well, did you actually choose to that scenario and situation? And I was like, no.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Even if Sarah had registered that experience as rape, if it had happened in a post MeToo era or some magical land where survivors don't get blamed for being too drunk, she still might not have had the time and headspace to grapple with what happened. Because one night soon after, she was lying in bed when pain exploded in her abdomen.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

And it just got worse and worse and worse. And I actually rolled out of bed and dragged myself through the room out into the lounge. And I was like, oh, my God, Mum and dad. I'm like, so much pain, I don't know what's going on. And Mum's like, whoa, whoa.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Sarah's mum rang a family member who was a nurse and who said she Better get Sarah to the hospital, stat, in case it was her appendix.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

I remember the doctor coming in and he's just like, right, we've run some tests and you're pregnant. And I just remember being like, what? No, no, I'm not. Because, you know, it didn't go in the first time and that didn't happen, so can't be pregnant.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Sarah's mum asked the doctor, can we do some more tests? Because this doesn't sound right.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

And the doctor's like, we've done bloods, we've done urine, like, you're definitely pregnant and where the pain is coming from. It's actually an ectopic pregnancy and I'm. I don't even know what that is. I don't know what that means.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

In ectopic pregnancy is where the fertilised egg implants outside the uterus, usually in the fallopian tube, and it begins to grow in a space that just can't accommodate a developing pregnancy.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

What I did not know at the time is that it can be fatal.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

The fallopian tube can rupture, causing internal bleeding.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

So I had two options. Either laparoscopic surgery, where they removed the fallopian tube, which obviously would decrease your chances of, like, getting pregnant and stuff in the future, which I was like, I do not, or you can take, like a chemotherapy which would dissolve the. Essentially the foetus. Mum was there and she was the brain for me. So she's just like, we'll take the chemotherapy.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

It didn't work the first time, but they tried again and it did.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

So you can imagine that happening coming from a family where you can't talk about sex, where you end up in hospital and you get told that you're pregnant. You're like, holy crap.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

There's enough in this story to account for a lifetime of trauma, sexual assault, rape, right at the beginning of a young person's journey into sexuality, a surprise pregnancy resulting from that that then turns out to be life threatening. And then add to that a family culture, which means you can't even be open about what's actually happened.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

Of course, Mum and Dad wanted to know who it was with, so I actually told them it was with the guy that it didn't go in with, rather than the actual situation. Cause, again, I couldn't really face what had happened. And why would I tell my parents I got pregnant because I got raped?

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

At her mum's insistence, the wider family got a version of the story one step further from the truth, which was that Sarah had been to hospital For a burst cyst.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

We never talked about it since.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

And you haven't talked about it since?

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

No. Shit, no.

[Grow Therapy and Aura Advertiser]

Nah.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

No. I feel like it would do them more harm me bringing it up now and I don't think I would gain a lot out of it either. They helped me to the best that they could and yeah, I don't think I'd ever bring it up with them. I probably would say that I felt a bit responsible. Yeah. How could you not though?

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Well, I feel like we shouldn't. It'd be a wonderful world where you didn't carry responsibility for you're assault or you're rape. But I also understand that we're taught as girls that boys and men always want sex and we have to like be careful. And I think there's part of that that teaches you that, you know, it was you letting your guard down that allowed it to happen.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

Yeah, I definitely carried a lot of weight around that. Yeah.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Eventually things settled down again and life went back to normal. Mostly anyway. Sarah got accepted to university in another city and the plan was to knuckle down and study hard.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

But I went down the path of holy shit, I'm away from home and let's drink and sleep with as many people as possible cause I don't know how to process all this other shit. And everyone else down home was having sex with lots of different people at the time, so why the fuck could I not do it? Can I swear?

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

You can swear, Sarah. Very fitting given the circumstances. Now obviously loads of people have promiscuous years in college. I'm looking at you, me, but there's a chance that what Sarah's describing was a little different to that.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

I got a little bit of a name for myself. I'm not proud about it.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

There are a couple of different things that could be colouring how Sarah talks about this time. One slut, shaming. Maybe she feels this shame and discomfort because of wider stories about promiscuity in women and girls, which are pervasive and impossible not to internalise to some degree.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

It just makes me feel uncomfortable because I'd love to say it's not who I am, but actually it was who I am.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

But also too, it could have been at least in part a trauma response. Some survivors will engage in increased or compulsive sexual activity after abuse. It tends to look less like enjoyment and more like a driven and almost automatic behaviour. Researchers understand this partly as a way of reclaiming control over a body that was violated without consent. I decide who, when and how it can also be about using sex as an emotional coping mechanism. To feel something when you're numb or to go numb when you're feeling too much. Either way, it's recognised as a common trauma response, not a character flaw. And it doesn't always just apply to casual encounters either. Research shows that survivors of sexual abuse are more likely to find themselves in relationships that are toxic, exploitative or outright abusive. Partly that's about familiarity. When violation's been part of your landscape, certain dynamics can feel normal when they shouldn't. And partly it's about targeting. Predatory people are often really good at recognising someone who's already been hurt.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

There was a guy, he was chasing me for the whole year. I wasn't particularly interested in him.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

This is when Sarah was 21 and still at university.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

We got along really well, enjoyed hanging out with him. I just, nah, just wasn't really that keen.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

But then one night when Sarah and her friends had all been drinking, her mate started egging her on, like, go on, he's so into you.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

And so I ended up kissing him. Which led to a five year abusive relationship.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

So you felt like there was all that pressure. It was almost inevitable, like you just kind of gave in.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

I did. And that seems to be. Thank you for saying that because it has seemed to be. That's been a theme for me, giving in to males desires and that really annoys me and I don't understand enough about why it occurs or why I do it or what it's about.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

I know what's underneath this. And it's a pattern that a lot of women and girls will recognise because it starts with socialisation. From early on we absorb the message that our role is to accommodate, to not disappoint, to be chosen. For survivors of sexual abuse whose boundaries were violated, sometimes repeatedly, that conditioning goes even deeper. You can lose faith in your right to have preferences at all, to take up any space, to want anything. This connects to a trauma response called fawning, where a person appeases or pleases or subconsciously in order to stay safe. We don't hear about it as much as the other responses fight, flight and freeze. But it's just another natural response to a terrifying situation. And like dissociation, this compliance can become so automatic it barely registers as a choice. And in that state, survivors can find themselves drawn towards exactly the situations and people they most need to be protected from.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

I remember at one point in time he had me on the floor and he was standing on my hair like it was a psychological, mentally and physically abusive relationship. And like sexually as well. Like just constant pressure every night to sleep with him.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

How did you get out of that relationship?

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

It actually probably took multiple breakdowns on my behalf. One night he actually drove off. I actually remember ringing up my parents relatively late at night and dad just being like, enough is enough. You've rung us so many times. Get out of dodge, you're done. So it probably took that conversation to happen. I ended up going and living with my parents a wee bit after that. And I just remember Mum. Maybe not initially, but in time she was like, you're a shell of yourself.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Like Kim had been after they left their relationship. And this next bit's familiar too.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

And you look back on a lot of the things and you're like, how do you allow yourself to get into those situation.

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[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Time to meet our expert Jimeneka Eborn.

[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

Some people call me the Trauma Queen.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Jiminika's a trauma specialist and she got that nickname from the Trauma Queen podcast that she used to host. She runs an intimacy coordinator training company, works with a friend to support survivors of stalking, among loads of other things. She wears heaps of different hats and all of them are trauma informed.

[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

I'm a child of trauma. And I think that that really starts the beginning of my life. I'm gonna say a hard thing. So my mother was murdered in front of me when I was one by my sperm donor. When they took me to my grandparents who have raised me, they took me to her covered in blood.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

That's incredibly full on. But what I find really interesting about Jeminika is what she did with those experiences.

[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

I started studying psychology at the age of 16 because I wanted to understand the whys. And I thought to help people and help women, I had to become a detective.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

At college. Jiminika was studying criminal justice when at

[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

the age of 21, I was raped. That really changed my life. I didn't tell anyone for eight years.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Jiminika got kicked out of school for lack of attendance and issues related to drinking, which she'd started to do pretty heavily after the assault. Eventually she did go back and finish her psych degree. She studied marriage and family therapy for a little while, and then she switched up to studying sexuality and becoming a sex educator. These days she's studying law.

[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

You never know, especially working with survivors. You want to be ready.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

I started by asking Jiminika whether healing from trauma, whether that's sexual trauma or intimate partner abuse is even possible.

[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

Well, buckle up. I think we need to take healing off a pedestal. I think that oftentimes we are looking at someone else and like, where they're at and be like, well, they were also assaulted similarly. And it's like, no, you are a totally different person. And if we're constantly striving towards someone else's goal or putting this healing up here, we're overlooking all the hard work we've done. I think that's where we struggle a lot, is we get these poster girls, poster boys, poster people that look like the perfect survivor. The perfect survivor, quote, unquote, is digestible, you know, just a little bit sad. Don't ask too many questions. They don't want to be bothered. But in reality, being a survivor is messy. You can have pleasure while you're navigating it. You can have a breakdown. You can be sad, you can be angry, you can be happy, you can have joy. Like, there isn't one way that a survivor looks, which I think adds to a lot of victim blaming. And that pisses me off.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

In what way?

[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

In the ways of. Because a person doesn't look a certain way. Like you aren't sad enough or your clothes aren't disheveled enough. Or you are a party girl or a party boy, a party person. Like, I don't know, did it really happen? Now we're victim blaming because now we're throwing it back on the person that didn't consent to the harm.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Before we go further, I just want to step back and take a moment to acknowledge the full picture. According to the 2023 New Zealand Crime and Victims Survey, more than one in four New Zealand adults has reported being the victim of at least one act of sexual assault in their lifetime. Broken down by gender, that's more than 1 in 3 women and 13% of men. And for male survivors, gendered myths, including the idea that sexual violence doesn't happen to men, create powerful barriers to disclosure. When men do come forward, they're also less likely to receive counselling or professional support than women. Those numbers climb even higher for trans and non binary people who experience sexual violence at rates two to three times that of women in the general population and who are among the least likely to find support when they need it the most. So while every voice you're hearing today was raised as a woman, this is far from a women's issue.

[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

We all know a survivor, whoever you

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

are and whatever you're carrying, this is for you.

[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

I believe that sexual assault is a community issue. The ways that we support survivors and don't, the ways that we support those that cause harm and shouldn't. And I think that is such a big conversation that we overlook. I wish people would stop asking why you didn't come forward, or instead asking why didn't you feel like you could?

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

As we heard before, Jiminika didn't tell anyone she was raped. For eight years after it happened, she didn't feel like she could. And then eventually when she did seek help, she didn't go through the conventional channels of seeking out a counselor.

[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

I went spiritual. I learned how to meditate because I felt so outside of my body. And that is common, right? When we have something so drastic and harmful and we lose control and a lot of us dissociate, that is what I did. It's hard to feel reconnected in a way that feels sexy. You can have sex and enjoy the things, but it might not feel the same. And so for me, I went to like the spiritual place down the street that I've been driving past and I was like, what is meditation? Meditation's hard. Stop telling people to just go meditate all the time.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Just breathe, right? You breathe all the time.

[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

But annoyingly, it's so helpful. So I want People to spend time with their nervous system. Not just like, I want to have sex again. I want you to have whatever kind of sex you want, but I also want you to be present. I want you to enjoy it for yourself, not just for someone else.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Recovery is never linear and never painless, no matter what we're talking about. Recovery from this kind of violation, that can take a long time. And if you view recovery as getting back to the place you were in before the trauma, well, that might never happen.

[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

I had to grieve parts of what I thought I was going to be and who I was. And I think survivors don't actually realize that we should allow grieving in that because it is losing a part of yourself.

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

I still think I've got a long way to go with all the trauma stuff.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

In the years since leaving their abusive ex, Kim's had relationships with women, or

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

as they put it, women adjacent people.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

And they still occasionally find themselves on that dissociative train.

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

It's wild. I have to catch myself and, like, get back off the train and come back in the room. I feel really grateful because I've got language for it and so I can talk, like, to a partner about it and say, this is what's happening for me. I think loads of things that we do to protect ourselves only serve us a certain amount of time. And then after that, they aren't necessarily protective anymore. I don't need to get on that train.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

In my head, it would be nice to not need the train.

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

Yeah.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

This episode's been a really heavy one, and I hope you're doing okay. We're about to move into territory that's a bit more gentle and where those of you who found this episode a bit too familiar might find some pieces of wisdom to help you on your journey to reclaiming the garden of your sexuality. It starts with a practice that Jiminika recommends to most of her clients, and it's called a self date. There's a number of steps, but you don't have to do them all, and you definitely don't need to do them all in one go. This process might take hours or days or weeks, maybe even months. And months go at your own pace also. But don't worry about keeping track of all the steps right now. We'll write them out for you in our show notes. All right, step one, I want you

[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

to work on getting in your body. We can be triggered by any of our five senses, and we can be grounded by any of our five senses. So to set the space to even want to get into our body. I want you to use your senses. I want you to have a delicious meal because we're going to feed our bodies. It's a date. Take your yourself out if you want. Step two, I want some body movement. There's a lot of energy in our bodies. It really is helpful to move that energy. I don't care if you do yoga. You go on a walk, you have a dance party in your kitchen. Whatever feels good for you.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Shake it out, warm yourself up. And then move on to step three.

[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

Cleansing yourself. It feels forces you to slow down and be aware of your body. So you're either taking a delicious bath or just shower. And I want it to be so special for you. I want you to do the lights, the smells, that bathwash you've been saving. Whatever it is, set it for yourself. Because this is just about you. Take that bath, whatever. After moisturizing, we are warming our body up for touch. By choice. Do it firm, do it soft. You're also now figuring out what kind of touch is feeling good for you. Next, you're going to take that touch to the bedroom. Now step four, this is where you're going to get in your sexy outfit. Whatever sexy is for you. Sometimes for me, it's a big T shirt, some underwear. And I want you to do some some body scanning. First, check in, see where you might feel a little anxious, a little nervous, and then really do like a little self massage. And then this is where people start laughing at me. They're like, it got weird, I fell over. Whatever. I want you to try different sexual positions.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

You're still on your own, but you're experimenting with positions you might end up trying out alongside a partner.

[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

Maybe.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Make sure the door's locked.

[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

There is a big chance that the things you used to like, you don't like anymore or you have to change them. If we are harmed in a certain position, you might be triggered.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Try some things out in your own time, in your own space. And all the while ask yourself, how does that feel? Do you feel vulnerable? Do you feel scared? Take note. Then change it up.

[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

Does this one now feel more fun? Like, oh, I didn't know my hips did that. Sit with it a bit. Then we build up to that last part. The actual touch of the genitals. We're learning this in a safe space and we're learning about ourselves in maybe a way that we've been trying to push past. It takes time.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Build that up like body scanning in a meditation. All you're Doing is noticing what's going on in your body. Doing your best not to judge when pain or pleasure or fear or laughter arrive. We're learning what we enjoy for ourselves so that we can start to work towards communicating that with our partners.

[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

Because now I know I like a firm touch, you soft touch me. I want to fight. I like when I'm able to be on my side or I no reverse anything. I need to be able to see people. You learn these things and then that's what you're able to tell people and then you can go, you know what will make this so good? Let me tell you the positions that are going to make me feel great. Give them your blueprint. People are open to being taught if they care. If they push back and don't care, your flag has been risen. That is information.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

But also remember to be kind to yourself. If you don't get there right away,

[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

there is no one way to navigate it. It's trial and error. But starting out a equipped with what your own boundaries are, that's how I think we can start a little bit better.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Let's go back to Kim now because while their trauma still puts them on that train, sometimes it does happen less. Now that they're having sex with women

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

adjacent people it's not so like outcome focused. Like we don't have to be like I'm going to pound you till you have an orgasm and then job done. It can just be very loving and very funny and very messy and sometimes it can just be really hot and you have like all the toys and all the things going on until you find some combination that works. Pleasure requires a long time like to kind of relax the body, calm the body and I think that's where some of the work to do is as well to be like that's okay, I can take time on me, people can take time on me, like I'm allowed to have pleasure.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Kim has experienced the kind of grief that Jim Anika was talking about over not being able to live the life they wished for themself, at least for a time. But they accept it's all part of the train ride of life and they're proud of who they've become.

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

Like 15 year old me I think would think 50 year old me is a baddie in the best possible way. I would like to tell 15 year old me that I'm going to find words for who I am. I'm going to find people who are going to understand it and I think 15 year old me would have liked to Hear that?

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Sarah has done a lot of hard work on her own. She's curious, self directed. She's read the books, listened to the podcasts, given herself the sex education she never got. And slowly she's been piecing together a picture of who she is and what she actually wants.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

I actually went through a phase where I'm like, God, am I asexual? Like do I just not like sex? I realised I needed the emotional connection

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

and she knows she wants the companionship of a relationship, so she's dating.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

I feel like I'm ready to meet someone, like I'm okay being me and being by myself and doing things for me. And it's the connection, lack of that intimate connection and not sex, but sharing your day with someone, coming home and being like, I've had a hard day. And they're like, oh my God, here's a cup of tea and a hug.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Sarah does still struggle with old patterns from time to time.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

There was one guy again pursuing me, following me home, wanting to sleep with me and I was like, no, no, no, no, no. I just got to the point where I was like, nah, fuck it and just gave in. I remember saying to a mate and he was like, are you serious? You just gave in? I remember him saying like, where's your self respect? Like if you don't want to, don't. I remember thinking, God, he's like really overreacting to this.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

I mean, where's your self respect is clueless and cruel. But the emotion behind that statement, the shock, really, that's valid.

[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

That is coercion and that is sexual assault right out the gate. If you are not a yes and you have to be talked into something. You said no multiple times and they push you. Well, I finally said yes after 15 times. That's coercion. They wore you down. That is an abuse technique.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

I finished my interview with Sarah by asking what she wishes she had known when she was younger.

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

I think the biggest thing for me would be coming from a self empowered perspective.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

So you wish you had known that you could even be in the equation?

[Sarah (Survivor and Interviewee)]

Yeah. One, be in the equation and two, ask myself, is this something I want to do?

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

It's a great question, one that we could all benefit from asking ourselves. But self empowerment won't stop some asshole from busting through your border fences and ripping up the plants you've so carefully tended. Whether Your boundaries are 6 foot high concrete wall or a ring of delicate seashells. As Jiminika told me, none of this is on you.

[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

You do not have to hold that that shame and guilt should be upon the person that decided to invade your space and harm you.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

I know all too well the damage done by stomping boots and tearing hands, by toxic vines and weeds left untended by layers of ash and sediment. But underneath it all, the rich and fertile soil remains. The deep and grounded understanding that you deserve to feel safe, to be loved and held, to feel pleasure. It's there and it's worth digging for. Because once you find it, you get to plant your own seeds. Choose what grows there. Choose who tends it with you on your own terms.

[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

You get to be in charge now.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

And it's never too late to start.

[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

You are never late navigating it because you're always growing. Meeting yourself where you are is such a gift.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Thank you so, so much to Jimenika for the interview and all the work that you do for and with survivors. Thank you to Kim and Sarah. You're both really brave for sharing your stories and no doubt you've helped some listeners feel less alone in their own struggles by being so open yourselves. If anything in today's episode resonated with you, whether that's a relationship that didn't feel right or fallout from sexual trauma, trauma, you don't have to figure it out alone. In New Zealand. You can call or text 0800 REFUGE for support around family and intimate partner violence for sexual harm. Safe to Talk is available 24. 7. You can call, text or web chat at SafeToTalk NZ. And through SafeToTalk you can also access information about the ACC sensitive claims service which which provides therapy and other support to survivors of sexual harm in Aotearoa. No matter how long ago that harm happened. Trust me, that one's well worth looking into. I know quite a few people who have benefited from that amazing service. So a final huge thank you to those who keep it going. Coming up in the next episode of the Good Sex Project. We're moving on up, baby. From Good sex to mag to magnificent. I would have to come a couple

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

of times before we even had penetrative sex.

[Progressive Insurance Announcer]

But the effect of that was that

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

my experience went through the roof as well. And we hear game changing advice from the one and only Dr. Piggy Kleinplatz.

[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

People say, you know, when we are

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

stating we just look at each other

[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

and fall into each other's arms. Excuse me, but that's utter journals.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

That's in the next episode of the Good Sex Project. I'll see you then. Thank you so much to our voice actors in this episode. Sheryli Kahui who read Sarah and Rebecca Wilson who read Kim. If you loved this episode, please do share it with friends, family or even complete strangers. You can tell that person at the sauna or your book club or the cafe or the bathroom line at the gig all about this amazing podcast and we would really appreciate it. The Good Sex Project was made by PopSoc Media. It was written and developed by me, Melody Thomas. Our producer and audio editor is Kirsten Johnstone. Co producers are Kay Hecke and Elena Bates. Phil Brownlee recorded me in the studio and our sound mix is by Mike, Mark Chesterman. Paddy Fred did the music and some of the sound design. Thank you.

[Kim (Survivor and Interviewee)]

Foreign.

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[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

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[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

Here's a show that we recommend. Hi, I'm Jessi Klein.

[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

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[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

And we are back for another season of Here to Make Friends, which is

[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

our podcast that is really just a long con to invite amazing guests onto our show and trick them into being our friends.

[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

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[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

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[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

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[Jimeneka Eborn (Trauma Specialist)]

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[Melody Thomas (Podcast Host/Narrator)]

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