WOR Summer Theater: The Mystery Of The Perfect Throw From Left Field and The Conga Dancer's Aunt (Encore) (EP4706e)

Summary

Episode Summary: "WOR Summer Theater: The Mystery Of The Perfect Throw From Left Field and The Conga Dancer's Aunt (Encore)" (EP4706e)

Release Date: May 18, 2025
Podcast: The Great Detectives of Old Time Radio
Host: Adam Graham Radio Detective Podcasts

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Introduction

In this milestone 1550th episode of The Great Detectives of Old Time Radio, host Adam Graham celebrates the onset of baseball season by spotlighting a unique blend of sports and mystery from the Golden Age of Radio. Graham introduces the episode as part of a special lineup featuring baseball-themed detective stories, emphasizing the rare and entertaining nature of the chosen program. He enthusiastically remarks, “I am overjoyed to be able to feature eight programs that join my love of mystery and my love of baseball” (02:34).

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The Radio Play: "The Mystery Of The Perfect Throw From Left Field and The Conga Dancer's Aunt"

A. Background and Setup

The episode features a production from the WOR Summer Theater, originally broadcast on August 13, 1942. The story intertwines the excitement of baseball with a comedic mystery, presenting listeners with a lighthearted yet engaging narrative. The play stars Helen Clare as Dolly Billion, a charismatic radio personality, and Peter Donald as Dan Kitty the Clown Fire, an unconventional umpire with detective aspirations.

B. Characters

• Dolly Billion (Helen Clare): A lively radio host known for her daily broadcasts on various topics, including sports.
• Dan Kitty the Clown Fire (Peter Donald): An eccentric umpire who doubles as an amateur detective, also humorously involved in a "chain of chain stores."
• Mr. Wefley: The manager of the Drumming Motel, involved in the central burglary plot.
• Joseph Surface: A character connected to the conga dancer subplot.
• Grumba and Grimba: Members of a conga dance team featured in the motel's entertainment.

C. Plot Overview

The story kicks off with Dolly Billion recounting a peculiar incident from a twilight league baseball game where umpire Dan Kitty makes a controversial call despite the left fielder's impeccable throw. Dolly's play-by-play includes an amateur umpire's questionable decisions, leading to suspicions of foul play. Dan Kitty, introduced as both an umpire and an undercover detective, becomes involved when a burglary occurs at the Drumming Motel. The plot thickens as Kitty navigates through comedic misunderstandings, mistaken identities, and playful banter to uncover the truth behind the theft.

D. Key Scenes and Developments

1. The Controversial Play (05:05):

   • Dolly Billion describes Dan Kitty's unusual umpiring techniques, setting the stage for Kitty's dual role as both an umpire and a detective.
   • Dolly requests an audio replay of the contentious play, highlighting Kitty's flamboyant methods, such as pouring a hidden bottle of beer to distract players.

2. Introduction to the Burglary (08:08):

   • A burglary is reported at the Drumming Motel, with a significant amount of cash stolen.
   • Chief Wefley discusses the case, prompting Dan Kitty to offer his investigative assistance, despite his primary role as an umpire.

3. The Investigation Unfolds (10:16):

   • Kitty engages with Mr. Wefley, the motel manager, and begins to piece together clues about the burglary.
   • A mysterious record playing in the motel's radio station becomes a pivotal clue, leading Kitty to suspect foul play.

4. Confrontation and Revelation (25:10):

   • Kitty gathers all suspects in the motel office, systematically questioning each about their involvement in the crimes.
   • Through clever deduction and observational skills, Kitty uncovers inconsistencies in the alibis, ultimately revealing that the so-called "murder" was merely a staged incident played out by Joseph Surface to divert suspicion.

5. The Twist (29:56):

   • It is unveiled that Mary Jones, the supposed victim, merely passed out from exhaustion after dancing, debunking the murder plot.
   • Dolly Billion congratulates Dan Kitty for his unorthodox yet effective detective work, solidifying his role as an amateur sleuth.

E. Notable Quotes

• Dan Kitty on Detection Skills:
  “What do you need to be an umpire? Observation. What do you need to be? A detective.” (17:35)

• Dolly Billion on Dan's Abilities:
  “Well, you could have just say, 'elementary, my dear Watson.'” (28:10)

• Host Adam Graham Reflecting on Dan Kitty:
  “They established the idea that he could legitimately use his reasoning and observational skills as a detective, albeit not perfectly.” (32:33)

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Host’s Commentary

After the dramatization, Adam Graham shares his enthusiastic reflections on the episode. He praises the play for its unique fusion of comedy and mystery, highlighting Dan Kitty's quirky character who balances his roles as an umpire and an amateur detective. Graham observes, “This was a very interesting story and it's one of the better comedy mysteries that we've encountered in [Golden Age] radio” (32:33).

He appreciates the show’s humor, particularly the absurdity of Kitty’s occupation—running a "chain of chain stores"—and how it adds a layer of charm to the detective narrative. Graham notes the scarcity of comedy mysteries in old-time radio and commends the program for its originality. He muses on the potential for similar characters in other radio dramas, stating, “It's a shame that there wasn't a radio character who was a little bit like this” (32:45).

Furthermore, Graham admires the program's use of an amateur sleuth, contrasting it with more conventional detective roles found in shows like Mr. and Mrs. North or Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar. He concludes with a positive note, expressing hope that listeners enjoyed the episode as much as he did and teasing upcoming programs in the series.

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Conclusion

This episode of The Great Detectives of Old Time Radio masterfully blends the thrill of baseball with the intrigue of a classic radio mystery, all wrapped in the comedic antics of an unconventional detective. Through the engaging performances of Helen Clare and Peter Donald, listeners are transported back to an era where radio dramas captured the imagination with their inventive storytelling and memorable characters. Adam Graham's insightful commentary further enriches the listening experience, making this episode a standout addition to the podcast's extensive library.

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Notable Time Stamps:

• Host Introduction: 01:13 - 02:34
• Play Introduction: 04:00 - 05:05
• Dramatization: 05:05 - 31:38
• Host Commentary: 32:33 - 32:52

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For more summaries and detailed analyses of classic radio mysteries, subscribe to The Great Detectives of Old Time Radio on your preferred podcast platform or visit www.greatdetectives.net. Engage with the community by following @radiodetectives on Twitter and joining the conversation on Facebook at facebook.com/RadioDetectives.

Transcript

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[Expedia]

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[Adam Graham]

From Boise, Idaho this is your host, Adam Graham. It's baseball season, which makes me happy even though I'm a Colorado Rockies fan. And so during this break we will be playing all of the baseball related episodes that we've done on the Great Detectives of Old Time Radio, with the exception of an episode of Bulldog Drummin and yours truly Johnny Dollar, which we featured relatively recently. But I am overjoyed to be able to feature eight programs that join my love of mystery and my love of baseball. And be sure to listen for some very special guest stars on these programs. As usual, remember, these programs are quite old. The newest one was something we played about five years ago and the rest are far older than that. So any offers or information I mention in these episodes may not be valid unless it's reflected on the Great Detectives of Old Time Radio website. And as a reminder, be sure and be listening to the amazing world of radio as we return on Wednesday 28th May with the summer of Robert Louis Stevenson. And now, play ball.

Welcome to the Great Detectives of Old Time Radio from Boise, Idaho. This is your host, Adam Graham. If you have a comment, email it to me. Box Thirteenreatetectives.net Follow us on Twitter at radiodetectives and become one of our friends on Facebook facebook.com RadioDetectives well, this is our 1550th episode special and I've got a treat for you. Baseball season began just about a couple weeks ago and so today's story's actually got a a pretty interesting baseball related theme. This is a very rare program. It's from the anthology series the W Old Summer Theater. WOR was the New York flagship station of the Mutual Network where many programs including the New Adventures of Nero Wolf, Father Brown and Can youn Top this originated. And I'll talk a little bit more about this after the program. But now, in honor of the Great Game of Baseball, bring you a most unusual and interesting half hour from August 13, 1942 from the WOR Summer Theater, the Mystery of the Perfect Throw from Left Field and the Conga Dancer's Aunt.

[Roger Bauer]

This is Roger Bauer welcoming you to the WOR summer theater where we do many different kind of shows suggested or written by the boys and girls of the WO R staff. Tonight it's the Mystery of the Perfect Throw from left field and the Conga Dancer's Ant. That's the title. And you'll find all the promised elements in this cheerful offering that we extracted from the typewriter of Bob Simon, who looks after continuity to wor. Among those present in the Mystery of the Perfect Throw from Left field and the Conga Dancer's Aunt are Helen Clare, who plays Dolly Billion, a radio personality, and Peter Donald, who is Dan Kitty the Clown Fire. This story starts with a station break. That's the few seconds between the two radio programs.

[Dolly Billion]

In just a moment, we'll present Dolly Billion in her seventh program today. Dolly Billion, the million dollar personality with thousands of friends.

[Roger Bauer]

Well, this Dolly Billion, who apparently discusses a different subject on every one of seven or more daily broadcasts, is set for her sports program. So is the proprietor of the Ambies Hamby bar, and so are his customers, both of them.

[Dolly Billion]

Hello, fans far and wide all about the countryside. This is Dolly, by golly. And that fanfare was for the play of the day with, which happened just about an hour ago in the twilight league game between the no Sox and the Goons. And that play, fans, wasn't a play at all, no siree, believe you me. It was a distinction by an umpire, or as he himself called himself, a clown fire. Daniel Kitty by name. If you heard my play by play broadcast of the game earlier this evening. You remember I told you how he took over for Sam Slater, the regular umpire? It was getting late, Sam had to be somewhere else and the clown pyre volunteered. He had an umpire suit and everything. And then what? I'm asking Fletch, our engineer, to put on a recording of that play exactly as I broadcast it so as to bring it all back to you fans. All right, Fletch, let's have that recording.

[Dan Kitty]

Hey, if it's all the same to you, Amy, do you mind turning that out? Okay, thanks. Nobody sounds that bad.

[Joseph Surface]

She did.

[Dolly Billion]

I'll tell you about that, Amy. And you, sir. Yeah, that's what happens when you play a 33 RPM recording on the 78 RPM turntable.

[Expedia]

Very simple.

[Joseph Surface]

Sure, Mr. Cypher, sir. Maybe they got it fixed now.

[Dan Kitty]

Excuse me, Ambie, but I do not want to Hear about that play again?

[Dolly Billion]

You.

[Joseph Surface]

You don't want to hear what that dope did.

[Dan Kitty]

That dope?

[Expedia]

That clown.

[Dan Kitty]

Oh, that dope. That's me. Dan. Kitty. Well, what do you know?

[Dolly Billion]

Glad to meet you, Mr.

[Dan Kitty]

Kid. Kitty is correct, chum. Dan Kitty.

[Dolly Billion]

Well, brother Kitty, I wouldn't have known you without that umpire suit.

[Dan Kitty]

Well, that's in my bag here. I don't wear it out to eat.

[Dolly Billion]

Well, I'm surface Joe. Surface. Well, as I was going to say, I was at that game, and I don't understand how you could call that man safe at home when the left fielder's throw had him beaten by 10ft. A perfect throw, a clean tag, and you call the runners safe. I suppose that's clown firing.

[Dan Kitty]

Well, now, clown firing, that's just hooking things up a little. See, instead of just waving a man out, I holler.

[Dolly Billion]

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

[Dan Kitty]

See, people notice that.

[Mr. Wefley]

That.

[Dan Kitty]

And then on a close play at one of the bags, a runner slides. All right. What do I do? I slide in with him and call it from the bag. When a batter's hit by a pitch ball, I don't just say, take your base. I take him by the arm, walk down a first with him, and just as I get there, I pour him a bottle of beer I kept hidden with a sidle in my suit that goes big. See, that sole itself is a caution. Oh, it's got more and bigger pockets than anything.

[Dolly Billion]

The runner was still out.

[Dan Kitty]

Sorry, Joseph. The throw was perfect. But remember, it was getting dark and there was a lot of dew on the ground. The ball was hit a long way and it rolled. How was it when it came in dry? An old amateur trick, Joseph. Throwing in a ball you got in your pocket when you can't get after the ball that was hit.

[Dolly Billion]

Very observant, aren't you?

[Dan Kitty]

Yeah, that's important. You gotta watch those things. Joseph, you know what it takes to be a detective? That's what it takes to be an umpire.

[Dolly Billion]

You're not a detective too, are you?

[Dan Kitty]

No, but I'm interested.

[Dolly Billion]

Just what is your business?

[Dan Kitty]

Chain stores. That's what I'm in town about. Well, I heard about this ball game and I thought maybe they'll need an umpire. I always take my stuff with me just in case. And sure enough. Doesn't Sam Slater have to get back to his store before the game is over?

[Dolly Billion]

Oh, hello, Chief.

[Expedia]

What'll it be this time? Burglary.

[Dan Kitty]

A burglary Here?

[Expedia]

Who are you?

[Dolly Billion]

You haven't heard of him, Chief? Why, that's Dan Kitty the clown fire. You should have seen the one he tried to poach. You should have seen that throw from left field.

[Expedia]

Oh, Andy, you seen anybody strange here in the last half hour or so?

[Dolly Billion]

Well, there's that clown pyre.

[Expedia]

We know all about where he's been. But somebody cracked the safe of the Drumming Motel and eloped with a lot of cash. The manager says.

[Dolly Billion]

Inside job, Chief.

[Expedia]

Looks not.

[Dan Kitty]

That's funny.

[Expedia]

What's funny about it?

[Dan Kitty]

I was just saying detecting was up my alley.

[Expedia]

Well, I think we'll be able to handle without outside help.

[Dolly Billion]

Ain't Joe You've never failed, chief. But he's very observant. This clown fire.

[Expedia]

Yeah. Staying in town, Clown?

[Dan Kitty]

Well, overnight and tomorrow. You know, I think I'll check in at that hotel you mentioned.

[Expedia]

It's the only one we have, but pretty snazzy. Grill room, dancing, Turkish bath, solarium, and after dinner, concerts in the lobby by the Ludwig van Beethoven swing Trio.

[Dan Kitty]

Miss. Hey, you with a priority's teeth. I'd like to register.

[Dolly Billion]

Oh, just a moment, sir. Roomkirk has been very busy, but I. Mr. Wesley. Mr. Wesley.

[Mr. Wefley]

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

[Dolly Billion]

There's.

[Mr. Wefley]

There's been a great deal of activity.

[Dan Kitty]

Yeah. Burglary. Oh, now, an inside job, or isn't it?

[Dolly Billion]

Oh, really.

[Dan Kitty]

All right. Do I sign here? Any old room with bath will do.

[Mr. Wefley]

Yes, Mr. Kitty, is it? Mr. King?

[Dan Kitty]

Yeah. What are you so jittery about? Mr. Wefley, is it? Wefley.

[Oregon Home Care Jobs]

What?

[Dan Kitty]

You're not expecting a murder around here, are you? I said you weren't expecting a murder. Well, never mind. Give me your key.

[Mr. Wefley]

You have baggage?

[Expedia]

Sure.

[Dan Kitty]

I left it on the rack as I came in. Well, that is, I thought I did. It's not there now.

[Mr. Wefley]

Are you sure you had it?

[Dan Kitty]

Listen, son, if you carted a bag full of umpires tools around with you, you'll be sure. That's very peculiar. That makes two. Two what? Two burglaries in this place tonight. It's a case I'd have a personal interest in. Are you a detective? Well, practically. Better known around here as an umpire. Here's my business card.

[Mr. Wefley]

Hey, this has nothing about detection or umpiring.

[Dan Kitty]

No, I make my living by traveling for a chain of chain stores a lot. Chain of stores that sells chains. See, each store in the chain sells chains and I travel around in trains to keep track of changes in the chain. So when there's new chain territory, they get enough chains to keep to the way the other chain chain stores. Trouble is, the chain's chain's so fast, you don't know what range of chains which chain is selling. Sometimes you see strange chains in your own chain. It's a brain strain unless you change. Change? Mr. Wepley. Now, how about that burglary?

[Mr. Wefley]

Oh, well. Well, it was like this. I opened the saved account up the cash and found several large stacks of bills missing. Did you say you were a detective?

[Dan Kitty]

Well, I think I could help you, maybe. Turn on that radio there, will you? It helps me think.

[Mr. Wefley]

Very well.

[Dolly Billion]

Some people are too nosy to live. You'll find that out, wise guy.

[Dan Kitty]

Could that be personal? Try another station, Mr. Wetley. As you wish.

[Mr. Wefley]

You may prefer this one up here.

[Dolly Billion]

Some people are too nosy to live. Too nosy to live. Too nosy to live. Too nosy to live. Too nosy to live.

[Dan Kitty]

What is this? My friend, open up that machine. Radio, phonograph. Let's switch it from this record over to radio, huh? Hey, wait a minute. Where did you get this record?

[Mr. Wefley]

I don't know. It isn't part of our regular collection. That's mostly cello solo.

[Dan Kitty]

Hey, for Pete. Now, what goes?

[Mr. Wefley]

Oh, that's our drummer practicing in the grill. We have a famous conga band and a famous dancing team to entertain our guest. That's their picture up there. Grumba and Grimba. The lady is Grimba over there. We prefer not to have our guests do that.

[Dan Kitty]

What have I done?

[Mr. Wefley]

I whistled at the conga dancer. A small blast of appreciation. Yes, like this. But that other noise.

[Dan Kitty]

Oh, you mean this?

[Mr. Wefley]

Oh, no, please.

[Dan Kitty]

Hey, somebody else come in the register, huh? Why, that's Mr. Service.

[Dolly Billion]

Hello, Daniel. Found the place all right, I see.

[Dan Kitty]

Yeah, all but my bag that just blew out.

[Mr. Wefley]

I just don't understand it.

[Dolly Billion]

Well, I can understand how things are here tonight. Chief Whistling was telling me all about this burglary, I suppose has you at sixes and sevens.

[Dan Kitty]

Yeah, I'm working on it, though.

[Dolly Billion]

Well, so am I. Unofficially, of course. Want to talk it over with me?

[Dan Kitty]

Sure. You see, I don't know this town the way you would living here. Only let's go up to my room, huh? I don't want to be disrespectful about that music.

[Dolly Billion]

Very good, son. After you.

[Dan Kitty]

You know, Joe, I have my serious moments. Especially when there's murder possible.

[Dolly Billion]

What was that.

[Dan Kitty]

Say, nice room.

[Dolly Billion]

Yes, Daniel, I see what you see.

[Dan Kitty]

Well, how did my bag get up here?

[Dolly Billion]

Oh, things a little mixed up the old Bubblingham tonight. I suppose Wesley just forgot he had.

[Dan Kitty]

A setup before he gave me a room.

[Dolly Billion]

A good point Daniel, of course, it might not be your bag.

[Dan Kitty]

That's mine.

[Dolly Billion]

Everything in it there ought to be.

[Dan Kitty]

Well, let's pick her up. Yeah. Feels about as heavy as she did.

[Dolly Billion]

You always strap it that tight?

[Dan Kitty]

Now, Joe, that's good observation. That's not how I strap it. Somebody's been poking around it, I guess. Thanks for calling it to my attention.

[Dolly Billion]

You're not gonna check up now?

[Dan Kitty]

I guess not. All right. You think I should?

[Dolly Billion]

Well, I would if it was my bag.

[Dan Kitty]

Nothing extra valuable in it. But see, here's a real mess of clams.

[Dolly Billion]

Oh, you mean those neckties?

[Dan Kitty]

It's missing. Somebody's lifted my umpire suit.

[Dolly Billion]

Your monkey suit with a big pocket?

[Dan Kitty]

Yeah, that one.

[Dolly Billion]

Yeah. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll report this to the manager.

[Dan Kitty]

Wesley.

[Dolly Billion]

Not him, the manager. Manager's office, please. You'll see we'll get some action. Hello, I'm calling for Mr. Kitty. Room 306. Where in blazers is Mr. Kitty's monkey suit? Where's his umpire suit? A coat with big pockets and pants. Pants, I said. Oh, the valet. What do you think? The valet has it. They thought it needed pressing.

[Dan Kitty]

It did? Thanks, Joan.

[Dolly Billion]

Okay. That's okay with Mr. Kitty. Quick Service they have here.

[Dan Kitty]

Funny, Wefley didn't know about it.

[Dolly Billion]

Yeah, that Wefley.

[Dan Kitty]

Now, he's an odd little character, isn't he? Sort of leaves change around.

[Dolly Billion]

Yeah, a couple of grand.

[Dan Kitty]

As much as that?

[Dolly Billion]

Yeah, a couple of grand and a 50. Careless, I'd say.

[Dan Kitty]

Oh, that doesn't seem like him. He's so correct. Oh, say, you know that conga team they have here?

[Dolly Billion]

Grumba and grumba.

[Dan Kitty]

Well, apart from that. What about them?

[Dolly Billion]

Oh, nice, quiet people.

[Dan Kitty]

Good dancers.

[Dolly Billion]

The best.

[Dan Kitty]

I think I'd like to look them over.

[Dolly Billion]

You want to ask a few questions?

[Dan Kitty]

Joseph, you have just a touch of the mind reader about you.

[Dolly Billion]

What makes you think they rob the same?

[Dan Kitty]

Ah, maybe a hunch. Look, I'll drop in the grill. Oh, when they work, an hour or so.

[Dolly Billion]

Yeah. I'll be happy to introduce you. I'll be seeing you.

[Dan Kitty]

Yeah, I'll be seeing you, Joseph. Hello?

[Roger Bauer]

Hello?

[Dan Kitty]

Is it too late to talk to the valet? Okay, I guess I'll have to wait. Hello?

[Dolly Billion]

Some people are too nosy to live. You'll find that out wise.

[Dan Kitty]

Oh, now watch this. Stop. Again. What's the fire? Let's hear that record again.

[Dolly Billion]

That's no record.

[Dan Kitty]

Hello? Hello? My party hung up.

[Dolly Billion]

Just a minute, please.

[Dan Kitty]

Here you are.

[Dolly Billion]

Hello, Mr. Kitty? This is Dolly Billion.

[Dan Kitty]

Say, what do you mean by that gag? What do you mean by playing?

[Dolly Billion]

I don't know what you're talking about, but I do want to have an interview with you tomorrow morning for my celebrity broadcast.

[Dan Kitty]

Oh, well, I tell you sister, I'm working tomorrow. If you want an interview, meet me at the Drubbingham Grill in an hour. Say, wait a minute. I've never seen you. How will I know you?

[Dolly Billion]

By my voice. Mr. Kitty?

[Dan Kitty]

Hello? Say, did you hang up? Hello?

[Mr. Wefley]

Hello?

[Dan Kitty]

Hello? Hello? Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello?

[Mr. Wefley]

Are you waiting for someone? Mr. Kitty?

[Dan Kitty]

Oh, yes, Mr. Webly. Approximately for $2,000.

[Mr. Wefley]

I'm not sure I understand you.

[Dan Kitty]

Well, I am. The exhibition dance in the grill start shortly, huh?

[Mr. Wefley]

Very true.

[Dan Kitty]

Thank you. That's Grant two grand.

[Mr. Wefley]

I beg your pardon?

[Dan Kitty]

No offense. Never mind.

[Dolly Billion]

Hello, Mr. Cloud Fire.

[Dan Kitty]

Why, Ms. Billion, I.

[Mr. Wefley]

You'll excuse me.

[Dan Kitty]

Oh, sure, run along.

[Dolly Billion]

Now look, Mr. Kitty.

[Dan Kitty]

Hey, what was that about clown fire?

[Dolly Billion]

Oh, that's cute.

[Dan Kitty]

So are you.

[Dolly Billion]

Make your decision fast, don't you?

[Dan Kitty]

Fast and correct. How about going down the grill?

[Dolly Billion]

Well, it might be a little noisy down there, so let's have that interview first, huh? Now tell me, how did you get to be a clown fire? It's cute.

[Dan Kitty]

So are you.

[Dolly Billion]

We needn't put that record on again.

[Dan Kitty]

Old record. That reminds me.

[Dolly Billion]

Now look, Dan, won't you tell me what it takes to be a clown pirate?

[Dan Kitty]

Oh, let's start down to the grill and I'll tell you. You see, that's something I began as a sideline. My all year round business is traveling for chain of chain stores. That's a chain of stores that sells chains. Well, each store in the chain sells chains. And I travel around in trains to keep track of changes in the chain. So when there's new chain territory they get.

[Dolly Billion]

And it all started with a chain, you change for a dangerous.

[Dan Kitty]

Natural enough young lady. What do you need to tell one chain from another? Observation. What do you need to be an umpire? Observation. What do you need to be? A detective.

[Dolly Billion]

Who's a detective?

[Dan Kitty]

At the moment you're sitting with one.

[Dolly Billion]

That's cute.

[Dan Kitty]

So are you. Hey, that's where we came in.

[Dolly Billion]

But you're still cute is that observation.

[Dan Kitty]

Oh, look, any dope would know that. But if you want observation, you broke off an engagement a little while ago.

[Dolly Billion]

That's none of your business.

[Dan Kitty]

Observation is so. That is.

[Dolly Billion]

How would you know anything about my engagement?

[Dan Kitty]

I don't. I just know you broke it off lately. Probably in a fit of temper.

[Dolly Billion]

Now look here.

[Dan Kitty]

And my Dear, Maybe one of the things you told him was he was a tight one.

[Dolly Billion]

How long have you been hanging around this town?

[Dan Kitty]

I got in today.

[Dolly Billion]

Who's been telling you?

[Dan Kitty]

Nobody. Well, give me your left hand. That's cute. So are you. While we settle that. Now, you see that line around the ring finger where a ring used to be?

[Dolly Billion]

Uh huh.

[Dan Kitty]

That line hasn't been there long and it wouldn't be there at all. All right. Now, what kind of ring do you return? Not a wedding ring, an engagement ring.

[Dolly Billion]

Not bad.

[Dan Kitty]

Not finished either. And there's that scratch along the knuckle. You tore that ring off when you were mad, didn't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you did, you did, you did. And it was hard to yank off. So you told him he was so cheap he got your ring that was too small. Right.

[Dolly Billion]

Oh, mister.

[Dan Kitty]

You know what I like about you? You didn't call me Sherlock Holmes. You didn't say, elementary, my dear Watson.

[Dolly Billion]

Who's what.

Maybe I am.

[Dan Kitty]

Maybe you are. Oh, hello, Joseph. You know Ms. Billion, don't you?

[Dolly Billion]

Nice to see you, Ms. Billion. I listen to you every day.

Address your letters of commendation to the station. If you don't come in, you're not a friend. That's a motto for artist.

[Expedia]

Hey, that's cute.

[Dan Kitty]

Well, is or is not somebody going to say so? Are you?

[Dolly Billion]

Huh?

[Dan Kitty]

Oh.

[Dolly Billion]

Oh, Dan, I promised to see that you met Grumba and Grimber. If you'll just follow me to that table.

[Roger Bauer]

You too, Ms.

[Dolly Billion]

Billions.

Oh, say.

[Dan Kitty]

Oh, yeah. Thanks, Joe, for remembering that's swelled.

[Dolly Billion]

Okay, Dan, but you won't get anything on those dances.

[Dan Kitty]

Who says I won't?

[Dolly Billion]

His 10 says you won't.

[Dan Kitty]

His 10 says I will.

[Dolly Billion]

You can't pin anything on them.

[Dan Kitty]

Don't be a goof. I once got first prize for pinning.

[Dolly Billion]

You couldn't pin a tail on a donkey at a kid's party.

[Dan Kitty]

That's where I won first prize. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dolly Billion]

You two gentlemen discussing.

[Dan Kitty]

Oh, you. You hold the money good.

[Dolly Billion]

Here, Dolly, take this money.

Oh, thank you very much. Good night, mister. Hey, and Dan, don't forget to write commendations.

[Dan Kitty]

Hey, wait. You're just supposed to hold that money.

[Dolly Billion]

Yes, my dear. I've made a bet with Dan. And when he loses it, you give the money to me.

[Dan Kitty]

You hope.

[Dolly Billion]

Both of them.

[Dan Kitty]

Ten boxes, Both of them.

[Dolly Billion]

But one belongs to Dan and one belongs to you.

[Dan Kitty]

Listen. Listen, Dolly. This one is mine, see? I'll mark it for you. Dkt.

[Dolly Billion]

Thanks. Does this mean I can keep you?

It does not. You'll pay that one and the other one over to me when I win, like I told you. Ms. Grimber, Mr. Grimber, may I present Ms. Pillion and Mr. Gilly.

How do you do?

[Joseph Surface]

Hello. I know, Dolly. Excuse me, I have laryngitis and I must save my voice.

[Dan Kitty]

Yes, save it, Mr. Gilly.

[Joseph Surface]

You are the Klompire.

[Dan Kitty]

Ah, yes, but tonight he's a detective.

[Joseph Surface]

Yeah.

[Dan Kitty]

Actually, Mr. Grumba, tonight I'm a conga dancer.

[Joseph Surface]

Is this your partner, Dolly?

[Dan Kitty]

Well, later maybe. But could I. Might I have the pleasure of a dance with Miss Grumba?

[Joseph Surface]

What do you ask me for? She's old enough to make up her own mind.

[Dan Kitty]

Ms. Grumba, may I have the pleasure?

[Dolly Billion]

Hey, what are you getting at? You know anything about congang?

[Dan Kitty]

Well, if you think I'm letting you down, just say the word and I'll put on a sock. Finished? It'll save it. What?

[Dolly Billion]

Did he say you were an umpire?

[Dan Kitty]

Uh huh.

[Dolly Billion]

Gonna let it go at that? Didn't somebody say a detective?

[Dan Kitty]

Uh huh.

[Dolly Billion]

Well.

[Dan Kitty]

And I said I was a conga dancer and. Let's go.

[Dolly Billion]

Hey, Grumba, he can dance.

[Joseph Surface]

Not bad so far.

[Dolly Billion]

I thought he'd plop on his face.

[Joseph Surface]

Maybe he will.

[Dolly Billion]

Oh, he's wonderful.

[Joseph Surface]

Who asked you?

[Dolly Billion]

I'll tell my fans tomorrow.

[Joseph Surface]

Out there he looks okay, but when he comes closer here, you'll see he's a faker.

[Dolly Billion]

Is she holding him up?

[Joseph Surface]

Sure she's holding him up. Look at that speed. And he's making the band play faster. You can't dance that fast. It'll kill him.

[Dolly Billion]

It's phenomenal for an umpire. What does phenomenal mean?

[Joseph Surface]

It's something you take when you can't sleep. What? Watch this train now, Joe. He'll muff it. Oh, terrible.

[Dolly Billion]

I got a hand, though.

[Joseph Surface]

Oh, but she's holding him up. Look at the grin on him. He's giving us some of his fancy talk out there.

[Dan Kitty]

Hey, what happened there, Ms. Grandpa? I thought I was making that turn right, but. Oh, just. Sorry. I'm not a professional. I told you anytime you didn't like, just say so. When I do my back to Niagara Falls. Used to kill him at the Sportsman's banquet. Say, you might move your feet a bit. Oh, you're just gonna show me up for bum, huh? Mean, huh? Look, look. You say the word and I do my. Hey, what's the matter with you? What's the. I'm gonna get you over to this chair right away. Here, sit down. Say, what's happened to you? Have I Been dancing with a partner who's passed out on me.

[Joseph Surface]

Hey, what have you been doing? Funny guy. She just went out from heaven to hold you up.

[Dan Kitty]

The way I figure it, I've been holding her up. Maybe you ought to get a doctor in on this.

[Dolly Billion]

Oh, aren't you a doctor too?

[Dan Kitty]

That's one of the three things I'm not. Come on, get a doctor somewhere.

[Dolly Billion]

I better get her to a dressing room and. Oh.

[Dan Kitty]

Oh, what's that?

[Dolly Billion]

She can't move. She isn't breathing. I don't.

Hey, let me feel.

[Dan Kitty]

Her fault.

[Dolly Billion]

Hey, I can't find it.

[Joseph Surface]

What's happened to her?

[Dan Kitty]

You haven't any idea?

[Joseph Surface]

Why, you.

[Expedia]

I'm taking over.

[Dolly Billion]

Oh, Mr. Kitty, this is Chief Wisnam.

[Expedia]

We've matched. Here. You two men take hold of Ms. Grandman. Sort of carry her to the dressing room. Put a few fellas outside to see. Nobody leaves the grill. But this little party right here is going into session in the office right now. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait till the music starts again. We'll go along as if nothing happened.

[Joseph Surface]

What did happen?

[Expedia]

You don't know what happened to your aun. Well, use your place. Weflam.

[Mr. Wefley]

Of course.

[Dan Kitty]

Of course.

[Expedia]

Not large, but maybe that's good. Just step in, everybody. Wefley. Mr. Service. Mr. Kitty. Mr. Grumba. Say, I'll have to ask you what your real name is.

[Joseph Surface]

Clink Cradle. No good for a conga dancer.

[Expedia]

What? Clink Rattle Bill. All right. William Clink Rattle, Alias Grumba.

[Joseph Surface]

Not alias. Known professionally as.

[Expedia]

Don't be so sensitive.

[Joseph Surface]

I'm not. I'm just hoarse.

[Expedia]

Now, all right, here we are. If you'll all sit down. Oh, you. Miss Billion. Dolly Billion. Now, what's your real name?

[Dolly Billion]

Dolly Billion. Nobody believes it, but that's what it is. Of course, I expect to change it someday.

[Expedia]

Well, you park your pretty self somewhere.

[Dolly Billion]

Okay, now.

[Expedia]

Now, here's the fact. The dancing lady, Grumba, who can be identified as the aunt of Grumba.

[Dan Kitty]

Grumba's aunt, she didn't look it.

[Joseph Surface]

Well, it's complicated. You see, she kept her figure and in the light in the grill.

[Dan Kitty]

Well, what was her name, by the way?

[Joseph Surface]

Jones. Mary Jones.

[Dan Kitty]

Look, chief, I'll save you some trouble. Ms. Jones was killed by a quick jab from a needle. She was jabbed as we made that turn near your table, Grumba. It took effect in a few seconds. She went limping. Well, you were there, Grumba.

[Joseph Surface]

I don't know anything about that.

[Dolly Billion]

I'm sure he doesn't, Chief. I was sitting near him all the time and I would have seen him.

[Expedia]

Wanna bet on that?

[Dan Kitty]

He did.

[Dolly Billion]

That's right. I'm the stakeholder. Now, here's $10 Mr. Surface gave me, and $10 for Mr.

[Expedia]

You bet on a murder before it happened?

[Dan Kitty]

Nah.

[Dolly Billion]

The clown pie wanted to bet on the burglary. He said the dancers did it, and I said no, he didn't. All right, clown pie, pay up.

[Joseph Surface]

Pay up.

[Dan Kitty]

It's not official yet.

[Mr. Wefley]

Well, maybe. Maybe the two crimes are connected.

[Expedia]

Got any more to say on that, Wefley?

[Mr. Wefley]

No.

[Dolly Billion]

Both must have been committed by somebody who knew his way around this hotel.

[Dan Kitty]

Oh, that reminds me. Pardon the interruption, Chief. Have you a key to the valet's office, Wepley, I.

[Mr. Wefley]

Yes, Chief.

[Dan Kitty]

Would you have one of your men go and get my umpire suit? You know, the one with all the pleats and the big pockets.

[Expedia]

Open the door, Weflin. Patrolman. Done. Go to the valet's office. Have one of the boys show you where it is. Get out an umpire suit with big pockets and bring it back here.

[Dan Kitty]

Hey, hey.

[Expedia]

All of you, sit down. Sit down. Who knew where the money was and how to get it out?

[Joseph Surface]

Don't look at me.

[Dan Kitty]

Yeah, Chief. And who knew how the dance routine worked? Who knew just when the conga turn would take place?

[Mr. Wefley]

But she wasn't dancing with her regular partner.

[Expedia]

Well, it was a standard thing, the conga she usually did.

[Dan Kitty]

Yeah, and who knew that? Who knew how the lights would be when she danced? And here's another question for you. Who had any reason for wanting to kill it? She was a nice old lady and a good dancer.

[Expedia]

Maybe she'd do something that's done with your suit. Kitty. Open the door for him, Wefley, will you?

[Dan Kitty]

Yes. Hey.

[Dolly Billion]

Hey.

[Dan Kitty]

Put off the lights. Get him on. Get him on. Yep. Wefley. Skip. What do you know?

[Expedia]

You go after him.

[Dan Kitty]

Surfers.

[Expedia]

He can't get out of the place anyhow.

[Dan Kitty]

Yeah, and let go of my monkey. Sujo, will you give it to me, John. Hang on to surface. I'll hang on the suit. Give.

[Dolly Billion]

Why, you big ape, you bum.

Remember, I'm present. Mr. Surfing.

Mrs. Ape. Mrs. Bump.

Missy. Ah, there's an idea there.

[Dan Kitty]

Dolly, do you want to marry me? I want to marry you. Okay. Shake.

[Dolly Billion]

This is so cute.

[Dan Kitty]

You're cutting yourself. Now, look there, Chief. Here's my clown fire suit with a big pocket. Where's a better place for parking? A lot of bills. And for a fellow who knew his way around a hotel, it Wouldn't be so hard to sew it away at the valets until he could get it back. And who looked there for the dough? See? Still in the pockets, all nice and fresh from the bank. Here's a 10 I put up. I marked that DK so you'd know which one Joe put up. And look at his 10. Right in the same series as the other tens in that pocket.

[Dolly Billion]

Hey, wait.

[Expedia]

You wait. Dan, how'd you get on to Joe?

[Dan Kitty]

Well, from the time we was together at Ambi's Hamby Bar, Joe was almost always around me. And I said, dan, this is not the usual behavior for people who don't like umpires. What is more, Dan, I said, this man has heard me say I'm a detective. And what he's up to is trying to throw me off something. And he does. I hear. Phony records. Oh, who knows about records? Joe. He was talking about 78 RPM, whatever that is. Just like an expert. So he could do that. And those phone calls, too. He could do the funny business with a bag. Take a call to the manager's office. Why was he so anxious to make that call instead of waiting for me to do it? It was my bag. And then. Then who else knew how much money was stolen? Wefley didn't. But Joe named it to the penny.

[Expedia]

You know, that's. That's good, Dan.

[Dan Kitty]

Thanks, Chief. Well, seeing what was going on, I dreamed up a little something about the dancers being in on the robbery. And Joe needled me along with a bet so I'd be sure to work on them exclusively. You might expect that from a guy who gets sore in an umpire for spotting that wrong ball trick I nailed this afternoon.

[Dolly Billion]

Are you all through? Clownfire. You forgot something, didn't you? A little matter of murder.

[Dan Kitty]

No.

[Dolly Billion]

Well, who wanted to kill that Damie?

[Dan Kitty]

No, Joseph, you didn't.

[Dolly Billion]

It was Wepley.

[Expedia]

Maybe.

[Dolly Billion]

What do you run away for?

[Dan Kitty]

Just a nervous type.

[Dolly Billion]

Yeah, I know that. Just want to see if you tumble. You want the murderer? He's right here.

[Joseph Surface]

Hey, get away from me.

[Dan Kitty]

Yeah, sure. Get away from him, Joe. Not unless you're figuring on doing away with him. Same as you did with his aunt. Me?

[Dolly Billion]

Why would I want to kill her? She didn't know anything about the money.

[Dan Kitty]

Oh, thanks. So you did.

[Dolly Billion]

Oh, all right. You got the money back. She didn't know anything about it.

[Dan Kitty]

That's right. She didn't. You had no motive. That's what they call it, isn't it, Chief? For killing her. You didn't have any idea killing her? That was an accident. You wanted to kill the umpire. Me?

[Dolly Billion]

All right, that's a lie. I didn't want to kill anybody. I didn't kill anybody. I took the money. But you can't hang a murder rap on me, I tell you.

[Expedia]

Dan, take him down to headquarters.

[Dolly Billion]

You can't get me for that, I tell you. You can't get me for that.

[Joseph Surface]

Hey. Say, Dan, I don't talk much, but I want to thank you. Aunt Mary was very good to me and I'll miss her a lot.

[Expedia]

Who says so?

[Joseph Surface]

Sure, I'll miss her, Chief.

[Expedia]

No, no, no, no, you won't.

[Dan Kitty]

Oh, the poor fella's gone and lost his voice, Chief.

[Dolly Billion]

And he was just being grateful.

[Expedia]

For what?

[Dolly Billion]

Because Dan brought a murderer to justice. As you will hear on my program tomorrow.

[Expedia]

Dan, you did, didn't you?

[Dan Kitty]

What?

[Expedia]

You just imagined it and built up a case. Sounded good to you. But did anybody say Mary Jones was dead?

[Dan Kitty]

Well, you'll let me go on.

[Expedia]

It helped nail Joe from burglary. Only Mary Jones isn't dead. She simply passed out from exhaustion. Dancing the conga with you, my friend. Sorry, Grandpa, I had to let you in for some bad minutes. But maybe you'll forgive us. You can go to your Aunt Mary now.

[Joseph Surface]

Oh, thanks, Chief.

[Dan Kitty]

Yeah, goodbye.

[Expedia]

Look, Dan, this observation business as swell only when you go into fantasy. That's not detection. So long, Mr. Kitty.

[Dan Kitty]

Ms. Vivian. My chief.

[Dolly Billion]

Don't let him discourage you. You'll be a great detective. And maybe he'll get in the murder clinic.

[Dan Kitty]

Nah, that's not my game.

[Dolly Billion]

Well, you can still be a clown pyre.

[Dan Kitty]

I don't know what does it get you, really? After all, I travel for a chain in store that sells chains. Each time the chains sell chains and I travel around in chains, keep changing the chains. So when there's new chain territory, they get enough chains to keep up with the other chains.

[Dolly Billion]

Are you going to be.

[Dan Kitty]

Sometimes you see strings changing your own chain.

[Dolly Billion]

It's a frame train.

[Dan Kitty]

Once you're a chain, change. Strange.

[Dolly Billion]

Then we could be married immediately following station identification. That would be cute, wouldn't it now?

[Dan Kitty]

But the chain. Stranger.

[Dolly Billion]

I said that would be cute, wouldn't it? Oh, Mr. Kitty, I just wanted to congratulate you. Isn't it wonderful, Miss Jo? Mrs. Jones? Oh, yes, too wonderful. And to think you aren't a professional detective at all, Mr. Kitty. But in the train business.

[Dan Kitty]

Oh, no, no, not in the train business. The chain business. No, you see, I travel for a chain of stores that Sell t.

[Dolly Billion]

I'm sure we all understand, don't we? And I'm to be matron of honor at their wedding. Oh, I should say all of us are imaginary people bearing no intentional resemblance to anyone, living or dead. But of course, that doesn't apply to our producer, Mr. Bauer. A very live young man, Mr. Bauer. And next week he has a review for you repaired by the press department of Station W O R. I think that's cute.

[Dan Kitty]

So are you.

[Dolly Billion]

Thank you.

[Roger Bauer]

The imaginary Mrs. Jones was Ethel Remy and her association. Tonight's production were our stars, Helen Claire and Peter Donald, supported by Jock McGregor, Jerry Macy, Junius Matthews and Sydney Sloan. This is Roger Bauer inviting you to hear the WR press department's Red Barn on Broadway review next Thursday evening at 9:30 Eastern. War time, where we hope you'll have our fifth writing theatre production.

[Dolly Billion]

This is the Mutual Broadcasting System.

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[Adam Graham]

Welcome back. I love this play. In the very last couple minutes were maybe stretching a joke a little too far, but other than that, this was a very interesting story and it's one of the better comedy mysteries that we've encountered in golden age radio program because on one hand there was a bunch of cute comedy stuff, particularly around our hero's main job being working for a chain of chain stores. And I know I don't have that quite right, but we only have a limited amount of time to record the commentary. But also they established the idea that he could legitimately use his reasoning and observational skills as a detective, albeit not perfectly. This was just a lot of fun. Of course, they referenced Murder Clinic, which was a program that originated right from the studios of wor. And while I wouldn't put him in the same league as the characters from Murder Clinic, it's a shame that there wasn't a radio character who was a little bit like this. Obviously some things about the character really just confine him to this particular story. We've got a dearth of good comedy mysteries. And of course, the other thing that's interesting about him is that he's an amateur sleuth. There aren't a whole lot of episodes of radio programs that survive featuring that sort of sleuth who's not paid or has any business solving crimes. It's either police officer, a detective, a report photographer for a newspaper. Probably the main examples I can think of are box 13. And even then, Dan Holliday is an ex reporter, though he's getting involved in these mysteries kind of for his own reasons. And Mr. And Mrs. North, however you cut it, I just thoroughly enjoyed it and I hope you liked it as well. And I hope you have a great week, a fabulous spring, and we will continue on on Monday, be sure and listen for the Saint and Tuesday it's the return of the line. In the meanwhile, send your comments to box [e-mail], follow us on Twitter at radiodetectives and become one of our friends on Facebook. Facebook comradetactives From Boise, Idaho, this is your host, Adam Graham, signing off.