← Ready For Love with Hilary Silver
Ready For Love with Hilary Silver
#108: 7 Low Vibe Habits That Make You Undateable (Without You Knowing)
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There is a silent vibe killer that makes even the most amazing successful women seem undateable. It's not about looks and it's not about age. It's about subtle energy leaks that repel people. Even when you think you're connecting, you might think that you're being confident, helpful, or just honest. But what people are actually feeling is a low vibe energy that makes them pull away. So today I'm going to reveal the seven subtle habits that kill your vibe and make you undateable and also keep you stuck in a lot of ways without you even knowing it. So that you can stop doing these things and finally be seen for who you really are. Hi, it's Hilary. Welcome to the Ready for Love podcast. I've been a therapist, a master coach and an entrepreneur for over 25 years and I've worked with thousands of high achieving women. And here's what I know. The women who can't figure out why they're still single, why friendships feel one sided, and why people seem distant. They all have something in common. They have blind spots about certain behaviors they think are fine but are actually pushing people away. They just can't see it. So they blame the men or they blame other people for not getting them. But the truth is subtle and it may stay sting a little. But I do care enough to bring this to your attention so you can see it. No more blind spots. You don't have a dating personality and a life personality. You just have you. So if you are doing these things on a date, I guarantee that you are doing them in your friendships and at work too. And all vice versa. In business, people adapt to your style because you're the boss. In dating you, he simply just chooses to leave. Make sure to stay till the very end because even if you're not doing one of these, you are very likely doing another one of them. The benefit to actually recognizing all of this is not only seeing it in yourself so that you can make adjustments, but you'll be able to understand why other people are putting you off so that you can make better choices about who you spend your time with. Because we all do these things. So behavior number one is what I call the blame shifter. It's having a victim mentality and it signals helplessness. High value, high vibe. Men are attracted to agency, not powerlessness or helplessness. This is when everything that goes wrong is someone else's fault. Your ex, your boss, your parents, the dating apps, men in general. In every story, you're the one who was wronged. Now maybe you were Wronged. Some exes really are that bad. I hear it every single day. But when you live in that story and when you make everything about how unfair it all was or how you were so done wrong, you become a victim. It's exhausting and unpleasant to be around someone who can't take responsibility, who will never see their part, and someone who will always blame them when things go wrong is hard to be around. And in dating, it's a massive red flag for them about you. And if you see this in someone else, because really, if men hear you talking about your terrible ex, they'll think, I'm going to be the next terrible ex in her story. You think you're just sharing your experience, but what he hears is nothing will ever be her fault. She'll never own her part. This will always be my problem to solve. It will always be my fault. So the upgrade here is, is to take radical responsibility and to own your part, own your choices, own your power to change it. This doesn't mean that everything is your fault, but it does show that you understand that you contributed, that you also have a part to play in everything. And personal accountability and ownership is admirable, respectable and mature. It's attractive. It also means you're able to fix it. It's empowering. So stop waiting for apologies. Stop needing the world to acknowledge your pain before you can move forward. Just decide, I'm done being stuck. I'm moving on. The second low vibe behavior is what I call the researcher. You read all the books. You listen to all the podcasts. You watch all the YouTube videos about dating and relationships, or self help or personal development. You know when what you should be doing. You can recite the advice. You understand the psychology and all the trendy terms, but you haven't actually been on a date in six months. Or you keep repeating the same patterns with the same wrong men. You're doing research instead of taking action. You've convinced yourself that it's the same as doing the work, but it's actually not. This is accepting responsibility but not taking action. You can see the problem and you admit to it, but. But then you make excuses for why you can't change. I don't have time. My life is too busy right now. It's just the way I am. So here's the truth. Your life is a direct reflection of all the choices that you have made. Period. So this is the girlfriend who constantly complains about her job but won't resign. Or have the tough conversations with the big boss, the one who knows her relationship is bad but doesn't leave. This is a choice to stay. Stay stuck in a situation that causes suffering. Yes, there are lots of reasons that people say stuck, fear or self worth issues, but giving weight to these reasons just becomes excuses. So the Upgrade make solving the problem a priority. Stop putting yourself on the back burner, stop kicking the can down the road and stop treating your own well being like it's optional. If it matters to you, make it a priority. Schedule it. Commit to it. Protect the time that you need to take care of it. Because here's what people see when you don't take action. Someone who doesn't value themselves enough to follow through. Someone who says they want to change but won't do what it takes. When you make yourself a priority and value yourself enough to do what is best for you, especially when the stakes are high, people see someone who is serious, committed and has self respect and dignity. This is not a dramatic life overhaul, but it is a small upgrade that makes your everyday life feel better. I'm talking about socks. If you know me, you know I love being cozy. The plush lounge socks from Cozy Earth are exactly what I want with loungewear. They're soft, comfortable and cozy without being too hot. They just make being at home feel better. And their essential socks are what I wear when I'm playing pickleball or out running around. They're comfortable, they stay in place and I don't have to think about them. I'm pretty small and I really appreciate that Cozy Earth offers an actual small sock size option. No more. One size fits all that actually doesn't fit. It's simple. But when what you're wearing feels this good, it subtly changes how your whole day feels. Head to cozyearth.com and use my code Ready for Love for up to 20% off. That's ready for love@cozyearth.com and use my code readyforlove for up to 20% off. And if you get a post purchase survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth from me. The third low vibe behavior is the half committed. So you try for a little while and then when it gets hard, uncomfortable or inconvenient, you quit. You tell yourself it wasn't the right fit or it wasn't working, or it's not the right time or you'll come back to it later. But here's the reality. Growth is uncomfortable. Transformation is uncomfortable. If you quit every time something gets hard, you'll never break through to the next level. And when you quit, you don't just let yourself down. You reinforce the belief that you can't stick with things, that you're not capable of finishing what you start, that you can't trust yourself or rely on yourself to follow through. And what other people experience is someone who can't stick with something, who doesn't do what they say they're going to do. You are unreliable and you don't follow through. You're flaky. Perfect example. And we've all been here, whether it's with ourselves or somebody that we know. The person who signs up for a new gym gets a punch card, signs up for a class, decides they're going to lose weight, and they go to the gym for the first month or two. And then it gets hard, they plateau, they stop going, they get frustrated. Hmm. They quit and they don't go. We've seen this happen. Whether, again, whether it's with yourself or somebody that you know or somebody you love or somebody that you care about, it happens a lot when it comes to weight loss and working out. And what we see is somebody who's half assed about the results that they want. They quit on themselves. They're not all in, fully committed. So in dating, this looks like keeping one foot out the door. You say you want a relationship, but you're hedging, you're protecting yourself. So you go on a few dates and when it starts to feel real, when there's real, actual potential, you pull back or make an excuse, you find something wrong, or you decide it's not the right fit. Or you stay. But you don't fully invest. You keep your options open. You don't really let yourself actually care or be all in. You are emotionally unavailable, not really letting him in. You leave first before he can leave and hurt you. So you're guarded. So the upgrade be all in or get out. If it's not a yeah, it is a no. Don't waste your time, energy or money on something that you're only half committed to. Half assed effort gets you half assed results. So if you say yes, that you decide something matters, then you have to do it. You have to commit fully, show up fully, be all in. Let yourself be vulnerable. Let's let yourself care. Let yourself risk getting hurt and push through the discomfort, Especially in the parts where you want to quit, but you don't. And when people see you fully committed, when they see you stick with something, even when it's hard, when you're willing to risk it, they trust you, they respect you, and they know that you are someone who follows through. You become someone worth choosing because you're choosing them too. That changes how they experience you in every area of your life. And above all, this reinforces your own relationship with you. It changes how you experience yourself. You learn you can trust yourself to always do what's best for you and get your own back and make yourself a priority. The fourth low vibe behavior is the I already know that. So you ask for help or you hire someone to help you, like a coach, a therapist or a personal trainer, something like that. But then you. You can't handle the suggestions, the feedback or the input. You get resistant or defensive. You make excuses or explain why their advice won't work for you, why their suggestions don't work for you. You tell them you've already tried that or you've already heard that before. So you're seeking help, but but the moment that you get it, it's rejected. So here's what people experience. Someone who says they want to grow but isn't actually willing to change. Someone who wants validation more than change. And in dating, he's watching. He sees how you respond when your friend gives you advice, how you talk about your coach when she challenges you, how you handle feedback at work. And he thinks, if she can't hear this from people she trusts, how is she going to handle feedback from me? If she shuts down everyone else, I'll be next. It's not just about how you are with him. It's about how you are everywhere. And he's paying attention. He's noticing and watching. So here's the problem. If you're not willing to be challenged, you won't grow. The most successful people are the ones who are open to feedback, to being uncomfortable, to hearing things that might sting a little. So the upgrade Actively seek your edge. Embrace. Seek your edge. Stop looking for cheerleaders and people who will just validate you and tell you you're doing great. Start surrounding yourself with people who are strong enough and care enough to show you your blind spots and challenge you to grow into your best self and invite the truth and honesty from them. I have fired coaches because they just told me how great I am and that I'm doing a great job. That is not what I am paying for. I am looking for my edge and tell me what I can't see for myself. How can I do this better or be better? How am I thinking about this? That that is getting in the way. Help me see things in a new way so that I can get past my own BS that is keeping me stuck in my own suffering or keeping me from getting to my next level. And I want that in my friends too. People who will be honest with me about what I might be doing wrong or what I could be doing better. When you're coachable, when you actively seek feedback and apply it, People see someone who's evolving. They don't have their guard up. They don't have a wall up. They're not they're humble. They're not prideful. They see someone who's serious about growth and is they're willing to consider input and be influenced. The caveat here is you just have to do it with a filter. Not all input means that you need to make changes. You're going to take it all in and consider it and then make choices about what you're going to do with that information. The fifth behavior is what I call the project manager. High achievers love to fix things. You are good at it. It's how you built your career. It's how you solve all the problems in your life and everyone else's. But it becomes low vibe when you start managing everyone and everything all around you. Offering unsolicited advice or trying to control how other people do things. Telling other people how to be who, who to be, what to be, what they should or shouldn't do, questioning why they run their business a certain way, or offering your opinion, suggestions or critiques without an invitation. It's such a blind spot because you think you're being helpful, but it comes off as clueless rather than self aware. So for example, I've been creating content on social media for 15 years or more and there's this very specific kind of woman who likes to tell me that I shouldn't cuss. Or they try to tell me how I should run my business differently. In fact, one of my favorite comments on one of my videos was a woman who told me I shouldn't cuss and somebody replied to her if you don't like the F word, find a different channel to watch. The value in the message far outweighs a few curse words. Stop judging. This is why you're miserable. That was an exact quote and I just loved reading that. She's so right. So listen, I get it. We can all see things from a customer perspective that a business owner maybe can't, and it's annoying when people don't do things the way that we think they should. But if it's that bad, just don't go there anymore. My friend and I joke about starting a podcast called this could be Better because we think we have great taste and everywhere we go we are opinionated and particular and we see how it could be so much better than it is. But. But we don't go around telling people how to live their lives and how to run their businesses. If it's really not up to our standards, we'll just go elsewhere. Not everyone wants our input in dating. It looks like coaching him, critiquing his life choices, trying to optimize his career, helping him with his business, offering unsolicited advice about his health, his apartment, his relationship with his mother. Here's the problem. Women who show up this way attract fixer uppers because you're looking for problems to solve and projects to manage. You're offering advice and help where it's not invited. So you end up with men who need fixing. And then you're frustrated that you're always the one doing the work. You think that you're being valuable and helpful, but he feels criticized and not good enough. Listen, ladies. Projects are for landscaping. Your backyard. Projects are for work. They are not for your love life. And it is not your job or or your responsibility to help everyone make their businesses, their lives or their relationships better. So the upgrade Stay in your own lane. If someone doesn't ask for your advice, don't give it. If you do have a suggestion, there's always a way to offer it respectfully. And it can sound like this, Hey, I know you didn't ask for my input and clearly you're successful in doing something right, But I noticed this thing thing, and it happens to be what I do for a living. So are you open to hearing my my input? Can I share or. I had this experience today at your company or your business and I just thought you might want to know. And then you leave the rest up to them to do with it what they will or not. Can you feel the difference? One might be pushy and the other is respectful and gives credit to the person for being smart and having reasons for their choices. There are a lot of reasons why I do what I do as a business owner. I don't need somebody telling me who knows nothing about me or my business how I should operate. And I certainly don't need somebody telling me what to say and what words I can and cannot use when I'm doing my thing. Either listen to me or don't. 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But what people experience is someone who's never satisfied, who's difficult or hard to please, and that energy is draining and what he sees is high maintenance and thinks nothing I do will ever be good enough. So the upgrade is to look for what's working. Train your brain to notice what's right. Shift your focus to what you're grateful for. In those moments, focus on what you are getting rather than what you are not getting. When you're on a date, focus on what you're enjoying. What he did well, what is working? This doesn't mean that you ignore red flags or accept bad behavior. It means you don't make everything harder by being negative about the small stuff. When you focus on what's Working and you appreciate effort. You become someone people want to show up for. Because your energy isn't heavy. It's uplifting. It's better for you and your own well being. And it's magnetic and draws people to you. And the seventh low vibe behavior is the I am too intimidating myth. You tell yourself that men can't handle your success, your intelligence, your independence, and that you're just too much for them. But it's a comfortable story because it makes it their problem, not yours. But here's what I want you to consider. Is it your success that's intimidating? Or is it your walls? Is it your intelligence? Or is it that you use your intelligence as a shield instead of a gift? Is it your independence? Or is it that you won't let anyone in? Is it your standards? Or is it your fear? High achieving women love to tell this story because it's protective. They identify with all of their accomplishments and successes and but it's a cover for the underlying fear of rejection. This self preservation and self protection keeps them from being fully exposed and vulnerable. Where the I'm not good enough lurks deep down inside. Here's what people actually experience when you're too intimidating. Someone who's closed off. Someone who won't let them matter. Someone who doesn't need anyone. And in dating men don't pull away because you're successful. It's not because they don't feel good enough around you. They pull away because you won't let them in. Because you were leading with your achievements and your accomplishments and your independence and your badassery and the I don't need met. So the upgrade is to embrace your shared humanity. Stop separating yourself and othering yourself. You're not special because you're successful. You are human. Which means that you are imperfect and messy just like the rest of us. And vulnerability and intimacy is scary for you, just like it is for everyone else. Let people see you. Let them help you. Let them matter. And when you stop hiding behind all of your success, you open yourself up to real intimacy. And that's when everything changes in your connection with men and friends and everyone else in your life. If you saw yourself in any of these, don't beat yourself up. We all have blind spots and I'd still work on some of these. The key is recognizing them and making a conscious decision to upgrade. Because here's what I know. How you show up in one area is how you show up everywhere. As a client, a customer, a consumer, as a boss, as a neighbor. This is your vibe and people can feel it. When you upgrade these behaviors in one area of your life, it bleeds over into other areas of your life. So you don't just become more dateable, you become a better partner, a better friend, a better leader, a better human. So ask yourself, which behavior do I really need to upgrade? First, please share with me in the comments on YouTube. Tell me which of these subtle low vibe habits is accidentally running your life right now and let's fix it. Thanks for listening and make sure to subscribe and I will see you next time.