← Ready For Love with Hilary Silver
Ready For Love with Hilary Silver
#114: 5 Traits of a Woman Who Has Done the Work — Dating Advice for Women
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Most dating advice tells you to be classy, be feminine, be fun and playful, be low maintenance so you can catch a high value man. But here's the truth. After 25 years in this work, high quality men are not attracted to a performance. Today I'm sharing five specific traits of a woman who has actually done her inner work. These aren't tricks to get him to like you. These are the signs that you finally like yourself. And ironically they that is exactly what makes you irresistible. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Ready for Love podcast. Before we get into the five traits, I need to define what it means when I say a woman who has done the work. Because I don't mean that she's lost ten pounds, updated her wardrobe or has optimized her dating profile. I don't mean any of the external things women are constantly told to fix to make themselves a great catch. And it's most definitely not doing the work that to figure out what he wants or how to be more appealing or attractive to men. What I mean is that she has taken real responsibility for herself, her choices, her behavior and who she is. She has worked through her traumas so they're healed rather than running the show. And she knows how to self soothe so she isn't reactive or constantly full of drama. And she has built the skills to communicate her needs calmly and clearly. She is no longer dating from a place of survival, scarcity or self protection. She is her fully grown, mature, healed, healthy and whole self. That is what we are talking about. So let's get into what that actually looks like. Trait number one. She is present. Okay, so be honest with yourself here because most of us have been guilty of this one. You're on a first date and physically you're sitting across from him at dinner. But. But mentally you are somewhere else. You're analyzing every comment. You're already at the wedding. Does he like me? Should I say this or that? Is this going somewhere? What did he mean by that? You're 10 steps ahead, trying to control an outcome that hasn't even happened yet. You are in the room, but you are not there. I call this future tripping. And it's exhausting. Not just for you, but for him too. Because there's an energy to someone who isn't really present, to who's evaluating and calculating instead of connecting. Or she's in her head mentally checking boxes, overthinking everything that he says, curating everything she says and making sure she's flirty enough or fun enough just to get him to like her. And it reads as anxious because it is. The woman who has done the work is different. She isn't worried about where this is going because she needs time to decide if she even wants it to go anywhere. She isn't wondering whether he likes her. She because she isn't even sure if she likes him. She isn't five steps ahead. She isn't trying to steer the outcome because she trusts herself to handle it if and when it arrives. She's just here, present in the moment, curious, engaged, and actually enjoying herself. And the effect of that is that men genuinely feel seen by her. Presence is magnetic and it's a gift. It is not a performance. It is actually what creates real attraction. So here's a simple check I give my clients. Can you sit through an entire dinner without mentally drafting your next sentence or wondering what he's thinking about you? If not, that is the work of being present. So trait number two. She leans back. So let's talk about the project manager. Maybe you know her, maybe you've been her. I know I have. She manages the logistics, the emotional tone, the conversational flow. She steers every interaction because somewhere underneath all that competence is a belief that if I don't control this, it will fall apart. So she over functions in her relationship the same way she over functions at work, because being in charge has always kept her safe and secure and has helped her be successful. But over functioning in a relationship doesn't create safety. It creates exhaustion and resentment. And it prevents you from ever seeing. Seeing who he actually is because you're too busy managing him to actually observe him. The woman who has done the work does something entirely different. She leans back, she allows, she receives, and she just flows instead of forces. And this, by the way, is the ultimate feminine energy. Not a performance of it, but the real thing. And not because she's playing hard to get and not as a strategy, but. But because she's done the work enough on herself that she is no longer needing to steer the outcome to feel okay. And her worth doesn't depend on him choosing her so that she's not fixing and managing and making anything happen so that he does choose her. She doesn't need this to work out or for him to like her, because she likes herself. And that is way more important. And it is more than enough so she knows how to create space. And then she watches to see what he does with it. Does he step up? Does he initiate? Does he show her who he is when she's not doing all the work for him? So now she is soft, not striving, relaxed, not reaching. She isn't white knuckling her way to a relationship. She is allowing it to come to her. And there is a quality to that energy that is undeniable again, that is feminine and magnetic. And it's the difference between a woman who is grasping or proving a woman who is grounded. Again, not trying to get him to choose her, just deciding whether she is going to choose him. She isn't chasing, she is attracting. So the woman who has done the work isn't anxiously managing the process. She's leaning back and letting it unfold. And men are attracted to a woman who isn't chasing. Did you know three out of four homes in the US have toxic chemicals in their tap water? Even when it looks clear, it can still contain chlorine, lead, forever chemicals and microplastics, which are all linked to fatigue, hormone disruption and even cancer. I'm really intentional about what I put in my body. So when I learned that, I got an Aqua True countertop water purifier. Its patented four stage reverse osmosis system removes 84 contaminants way beyond what standard fridge or pitcher filters can do. So my family and I get pure, healthy water I can actually trust and there's no plumbing or installation needed. Aqua True has been featured in Business Insider and Popular Science and and was named Best Countertop water filter by good housekeeping. Join 98% of customers who say their drinking water is cleaner, safer and healthier. Go to aquatru.com now for 20% off using promo code ready. Aquatru even comes with a 30 day best tasting water guarantee. That's aquatru.com a q u a t r u.com with promo code ready trait number three. She is unapologetically herself. Here's something I want you to think about. How much of yourself do you actually bring to a first date? Or a second or a sixth? Because there's a version of dating that a lot of women do where they're technically there, but a carefully edited, curated version of them is there. Not the real her, the agreeable version, the easygoing version. The one who laughs at all the right moments, softens her opinion when she senses disagreement or orders what seems easy and never says anything that might make her seem difficult, demanding or too much. And she calls it being easygoing. But what's actually happening is she's disappearing slowly, strategically, and with a smile on her face. I see this constantly in the women who come to me. They are accomplished, brilliant, dynamic, women. And yet they shrink themselves on a date because somewhere along the way they learned that being too much of themselves was a risk they couldn't afford. And here's the problem. We were all socialized to believe that there is a certain and specific way to be that our role as girls and women is to nurture and caretake and be selfless and to put ourselves last that is somehow feminine and attractive. And so we look to others for who we are supposed to be and how we are supposed to be. What gaps need filling so we can do that and and be the glue to observe and assess what it is that other people need from us. So we can be that and do it. But that is subservient and lacking in having a sense of self. It is a self worth issue because we are not second class citizens. And the thing is, no one is ever going to give you a gold star for being selfless. Let me say that again. You will not get a medal or any kind of praise or acknowledgement for for being selfless. In fact, this is the very mentality and behavior that perpetuates the patriarchy keeping us in our place. And it sends a message to men and to the world and to ourselves that we don't matter as much. The woman who has done the work stops shrinking and bending and accommodating and agreeing and acquiescing and forgoing her own needs. She no longer bites her tongue and goes along to get along and to be picked and no longer falls in line with what is expected of her. Think about it. The most intriguing people are those who surprise us. Right? I love when people underestimate me and I can blow their minds just by being myself, unwilling to fit a mold or into some arbitrary box with parameters set for me that I never agreed to. So instead, a woman who has done the work is unapologetically herself, all of herself, all the time, fully expressed in her opinions and her humor and her preferences and her values and her quirks. She doesn't edit herself for his approval because she isn't looking for it and she certainly doesn't need it. She isn't trying to be likable because she already likes herself and that is way more than enough. So she just is who she is, carefree. And I want to be clear. This does not mean that she's difficult or combative. It just means she's real. And real is rare because almost everybody is too busy performing to actually show up these days. So a woman who has done the work is fully authentic and and that is what men are drawn to. So trait number four is very simple. But I assure you it is absolutely an indicator of a woman who has done the work, and that is that she knows how to receive. Think about the last time someone did something genuinely kind for you. Paid for dinner, offered to help, gave you a real compliment. What did you do? Did you deflect and say, oh, you didn't have to do that? Did you immediately think about how to return the favorite? Or did you minimize the compliment or change the subject? Or saying thank you, but internally cringing just a little bit? Here's what I know from working with thousands of women. The inability to receive is one of the most common things blocking women from the love they say they want. Because to receive, two things have to be true. You have to believe you are worthy of receiving. And that belief has to be built from the inside out. It cannot be faked. And you have to be comfortable enough in yourself that allowing someone to give doesn't make you feel weak or inferior or vulnerable. You actually know how to make room for someone to come into your life and give to you. It adds to your sense of worth that people want to do for you as you do for others, rather than taking your worth from you. So a woman who has done the work has healed enough of that wound that. That she can actually receive. She can graciously and comfortably accept a compliment. She can let him plan the date without taking over. She can allow someone to show up for her without immediately calculating what she owes in return. And men are drawn to women who know they are worthy of receiving and knows how to receive and let him in. And trait number five, she has standards and she holds them. Have you ever stayed too long in something that wasn't working? Maybe you doubted yourself and gave him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you thought that expressing yourself would make you difficult or that he'd push back or just end it. I see two things happening here. Women don't know what they need or want, so they allow and go along with behavior or situations or treatment that doesn't feel right. Or they do know exactly what they want, but are afraid or reticent to speak up for themselves and ultimately talk themselves out of asking for it. Because somewhere along the way, they learned that having standards was the same as being too much. And either way, holding the line and holding a boundary means risking everything. So they let things go. They tolerate what shouldn't be tolerated. They convince themselves it's fine, it's not a big deal. He didn't mean it that way. Until one day they look up and realize they've been quietly negotiating themselves out of everything they actually need and want. The woman who has done the work has stopped doing that completely. She knows what works for her and what doesn't. And she says so clearly, directly, without explaining or apologizing for having a position. The maturity and quiet confidence of being able to bring up uncomfortable conversations or to confront an issue is absolutely beautiful and attractive. So a woman who has done the work will tell him when something doesn't work for her, she'll hold a boundary without turning it into a dramatic issue or biting her tongue until she explodes. And if need be, she'll walk away from something that consistently asks her to be less than she is. And not with anger, not with ultimatums, but with the certainty of a woman who knows her worth. And here's what I want you to hear, because this surprises women every time. The right man does not run from this. He does not feel controlled or criticized or pushed away. He feels something he almost never feels, which is certainty. He knows where he stands. He knows what she needs and what's okay and what isn't. And that clarity is deeply attractive and. And comforting at the same time. To a man who is emotionally mature. Standards are not walls. They are the thing that makes real intimacy possible. Because when she knows what she'll accept and what she won't, he finally knows who he's actually dealing with. And that is a woman worth showing up for. Men are attracted to a woman who knows her worth and will not negotiate it away. So the biggest thing I want you to get out of today is this. None of this is about him. Not one trait on this list was designed to make you more appealing, more palatable, or more likely to be chosen by him. Every single trait on this list is about you. Your healing, your wholeness, your relationship with yourself. The right man, the right relationship. The kind that's steady and safe and real and, yes, sexy, too. That is the byproduct of becoming a woman who no longer needs to perform for love. So do the work for you. For your own sake. Becoming this version of you is its own reward. And then everything else follows. So which of the five traits resonate the most or challenges you the most? Make sure that you're subscribed to the Ready for Love YouTube channel so you can share with me in the comments. See you next time, Sam.