← Ready For Love with Hilary Silver
Ready For Love with Hilary Silver
#115: The Dark Side of Chemistry: 4 Signs It’s Actually Trauma
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Most women spend years in relationships that feel vaguely uncomfortable. Not bad enough to leave, but not comfortable enough to feel free. But you keep going. You keep tolerating and adjusting. You assume that's just how love and relationships are supposed to feel. But your body knows better and it doesn't lie. It's been carrying this burden quietly, but at a great cost the entire time. So today I'm going to walk you through four relationship scenarios and that activate your nervous system so you can recognize it in your own life, helping you see what it is that's actually happening here. And it's going to change the way that you see every relationship you've ever been in. Make sure to stay till the very end, because I'm showing you how ignoring this feeling isn't just exhausting or making you unhappy. It could actually be making you sick. And then what it's actually supposed to feel like in a healthy relationship instead. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Ready for Love podcast. Before we get started, please make sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode, and also to our Ready for Love YouTube channel so you can share your comments and your thoughts with me. Okay, so let's get into it. Have you ever been in a relationship where you just couldn't relax? Where there was always this low grade rev of anxiety or a hum underneath everything? If you have, you need to stop calling it butterflies and chemistry because it's not relationship excitement. And it isn't just nerves. It's your nervous system, your body's internal warning system activated and it's trying to get your attention, alerting you of potential danger. It's saying, hello, pay attention to me. Something isn't right. And when you're in this kind of chronic state of alert or vigilance, bracing for impact, being on all the time, your body is flooded with stress hormones and that is not good for your health for so many reasons, which we're going to come back to later on. But the worst part is that you probably doubt yourself or blame yourself. Maybe I'm just too sensitive, or maybe I'm just too difficult or too much. I must be the problem. Dismissing your experience and reality as this is just the way it is. But let's consider looking through another lens, shall we? Because your nervous system is your body's safety detector and warning indicator system. As I said a minute ago, it asks you one question, am I safe here? And when the answer is no, or even just I'm not sure, your body goes into protection mode and you cannot Love. When you're in protection mode, you can only see survive. Makes sense, right? So let's go through these four very common and specific relationship dynamics that trigger this survival response in you. And I don't want you to just understand them intellectually. I want you to feel this. Because once you recognize the feeling, you will never mistake stress for love again. Okay, so the first one is the on again, off again, half in, half out situation with a non committal man. We've all been there. And if you have, then you absolutely know what I'm talking about. One day you're in, and the next day you're out. On again, off again, sometimes for years. It takes up so much mental space, so much energy, and so much of your life constantly judging and evaluating and thinking, is this for me or not? There's always something simmering on the back burner. Always something that feels a little unresolved. And you can't live with him, but you can't live without him. And here's the thing. It's painful enough when you're the one who can't decide, but when he's the one who can't decide, when you have no control over the outcome at all, that is an entirely different kind of excruciating. So maybe he has work or kids, or an ex he's still tangled up with. Maybe he just has issues he hasn't really dealt with. Whatever it is, he cannot give you or will not give you 100%. He can't be all in. And if you really want him, if you really want more, just have compassion for yourself. Because this hurts a lot. It's like you're so close, yet you're so far away at the same time. The carrot is always just beyond reach. It's so good when it's good. He's so great when he's great. If only he could get past whatever it is that's holding him back. But he can't or he won't. And. And he isn't. So here's what you do instead. You carefully curate every text. You rehearse what you're going to say before you see him. You swallow your needs because you're terrified that if you rock the boat, if you ask for too much, he'll disappear and you become overly accommodating, overly understanding. You suppress your own voice just to keep the connection alive. You're always on like you're giving him the best possible you, so he can see just how amazing you are. And. But you're not building a relationship Here you're auditioning for one. You think if I'm just easy enough, low maintenance enough, patient enough, he'll finally see that I'm the one. And here's why this is so tricky for smart women. His reasons sound completely valid. He'll say, my ex is being difficult with the custody schedule, or work is just killing me this quarter, or I'm just not ready to introduce you to the kids yet. Your brain accepts these because they are logical, they seem reasonable, but deep down you know you do. And your body holds that truth even when your mind is busy making excuses for him. Because here's the reality. In this situation, you are not the priority. You are an option. And the more you bend, the more crumbs you are willing to accept. And the more you allow yourself to be strong along, the less he sees you as someone with standards and, and dignity and self respect. And so it continues because you've shown him that it can. And meanwhile, you're in full on convince mode. Pick me mode. Pushing, pulling and dragging him toward commitment, trying to show him how amazing you are, trying to convert him into a committed type man who chooses you. And sadly, here's the thing about that. Even if it works, you'll never fully trust it. You'll always wonder, is he here because he wants to be or because you wore him down so you're really never settled and relaxed. There's no safety or security or relief, just a constantly dysregulated nervous system. And the longer you stay in it, the greater the cost. Not just emotionally, but physically. Because chronic relational stress has real consequences for your health. Again, which we're going to get into in a minute. I want to give you an example from my own life early in my relationship with my now husband. My. We were about two years in, we were living together and it seemed fine, except that I felt his distance. He was there, but he wasn't all the way there. And it was excruciating for me because in every other way, he was the one for me. But I didn't feel like I was the one for him. Not completely. And I knew I couldn't live with that feeling anymore. I knew I needed more and I deserved more. So after many conversations that actually never moved the relationship forward, I ended it and he moved out. And the relief that I felt was profound. Yes, I grieved. I was completely heartbroken and devastated. But it was the best thing I ever did for myself. Obviously, the story didn't end there. It's been 26 years now. But what I know now is this. It's the commitment to each other that gets you through everything that life throws at you. The hard seasons, the losses, the moments when love is a choice more than a feeling. And without that foundation, you really have nothing to stand on. You never can just relax. So moving on to the second situation, when you have him on a pedestal and you feel you're never quite enough. First, let's be clear about something. We don't want a pushover. A man with no opinions, no standards and no backbone is not attractive to a woman like you. I get that. Being with someone who challenges you to think harder and grow bigger and show up better is a good thing. We don't want to get away with being not our best selves. So we're not looking for easy here, but we are looking for safe. This version of being challenged feels like inspiration and it's sexy. It feels like he sees something in you that you're still becoming and he believes in it. That is acceptance and acknowledgement. But then there is a different version of challenged. This is the dynamic where you feel like he's the prize and you're just the lucky winner who barely made the cut. You feel just a little bit intimidated by him. Maybe he's smart or successful or good looking and suddenly you are secretly feeling not good enough for him. Even if you are his equal in every way, intellectually, professionally and every other way. Sometimes it doesn't matter what he is doing or not doing at all. Women will take this on and internalize it. Even if he's not doing or saying anything wrong. It's an internal, less than feeling or experience experience. And you might take that with you wherever you go. Women tell me all the time I don't feel good enough for the good guys and that they're intimidated by the men who are at their own level. And these women are no slouches. I'm talking aerospace engineers, doctors, lawyers, investors, entrepreneurs, educators. Sometimes it is because he's ever so slightly and subtly critical or commenting or evaluating, like you're a contestant in a pageant. So slowly you find yourself defending, explaining, replaying conversations afterward and analyzing what you should have said differently to impress him or gain his approval. So for the sake of this conversation, it doesn't matter if he is doing it or not. You are playing your part here. And that is really all that matters. Because if he is digging at you and you are responding, or if he's not doing anything to trigger you but you feel this way with him anyway, the result is still the Same. You aren't being yourself. You are curating a version of yourself that you think he wants. And that means you're abandoning yourself, which will always cause anxiety. And here's the dangerous part. Your brain mistakes this anxiety for excitement and attraction. And you think, wow, I'm so nervous. I must really like him. But you don't actually like him. You may not even have gotten to know who he really is yet. What you are feeling is the adrenaline of insecurity. You are addicted to the high of trying to win a prize that feels just out of reach. Chasing, proving, earning. The nervous system translation is this. Your body registers this as imminent rejection. Your nervous system is flooding you with cortisol, the stress hormone, to keep you alert and performing at 110%. You can't relax. You can't exhale. And this is not good. Not good at all. My friends, a healthy relationship provides the space to exhale. If you can't be messy or tired or off around him without fear of losing him, your nervous system will eventually burn out. And ultimately, this is about your own relationship with yourself. When you know you are worthy and enough, you never feel less than no matter what anyone else is saying or doing. And that is always the best goal. Okay, situation number three. He's hot and cold, so you keep taking his temperature. One day he's warm, engaged, making you laugh, and the next day he is cold, short, or seemingly annoyed by your very existence. From day to day, even moment to moment. You never know which version of him is walking through the door, or you never know what you're going to get when you walk in the door. It's a guessing game and it keeps you on your toes. Not in a good way. You're tiptoeing around, walking on eggshells, never quite sure what's going to set him off or turn him off. So you become hypervigilant to his micro expressions, constantly reading him. Is his jaw clenched? Did he sigh when he read that text? Is he walking heavy? You are constantly taking his temperature so you can predict the weather and adjust your behavior accordingly to keep the peace. If he's in a bad mood, you shrink. If he's happy, you can finally exhale and have a good time. You are never just existing, you are reacting always. And you can't just be. And here's where smart women get stuck. You think you can manage his moods. You think you if I just don't ask him about work right now, if I just cook his favorite meal, flirt with him just so you can make him smile and then he'll stay the good version of himself. But his moods are not about you. They are his own BS and it's his own lack of emotional regulation. And by tiptoeing around it, you are not making it better for either of you. You're just making it easier for him to keep getting away with it. Meanwhile, your body is holding all of it. A regulated nervous system requires predictability. When you can't predict how your partner will receive you, your body stays in a low grade level fight or flight state around the clock. This is why you feel utterly drained after just sitting on the couch with him. Your body is running a marathon of emotional labor while you're just sitting there completely still. It is exhausting. And situation number four, the relationship that revolves entirely around him. It's just always about him. His career, his stress, his schedule, his preferences. So maybe he's a narcissist, maybe he's ocd. Maybe he's just rigid or set in his ways. He's very particular about things, so everything is on his terms and how he wants it. And you. You acquiesce. You're easygoing, go with the flow. It doesn't seem like a big deal until you assert yourself and you get deceived, dismissed by him or shut down by him. At first it's just once, but then again and again, it becomes clear that it's his world and you are lucky to be in it. It's his way or the highway. And in this dynamic, your nervous system is stuck in satellite mode. He's the sun and you are just orbiting around him. So eventually you stop bringing up your bad day because he had a worse one. And you stop suggesting weekend plans because he's just so tired from work. You slowly stop voicing your needs because you've learned that your needs are an inconvenience to the relationship. Here's the lie you tell yourself. I'm just being supportive. You think that by making yourself small, you are being a good partner. You think compromise means compliance. But there is a difference between being supportive and being subservient. When you suppress your needs to accommodate his, you aren't building intimacy. You are slowly building resentment inside of yourself. And eventually you look in the mirror and you don't even recognize the woman looking back at you. You are not a partner in this situation. You are a passenger. You are just along for the ride of his life. Your body registers this as functional. Freeze. To stay in this relationship, you have to numb out your own needs and impulses. You have to ignore your gut instinct that says I matter too. This is the most dangerous state of all because it is the slow, slow, quiet death of the self. You completely disappear. Your nervous system learns that it is not safe to take up space here. And a relationship where you cannot take up space is not a relationship at all. It's a cage. So listen to me very carefully right now. This isn't just about dating or finding a partner. This is about your life. When your nervous system is always on, when you are constantly assessing, bracing, scanning and performing, you are flooding your body with stress hormones. This is the ultimate shape shifting and pleasing and accommodating. And when you aren't living your truth, you're not fully expressed. You're not authentic and honest about who you are and what you want. And it's the same function as an autoimmune disease, which is defined as the body attacking itself. So it is only a matter of time, my friends, before you develop some kind of thyroid disease, cancer, Hashimoto's, chronic inflammation and other physical maladies that can't be explained. Back pain or headaches, neck pain, fibromyalgia, a physical manifestation of the denial of the true self. That is what this is. And here's the very important truth. If you do not express yourself, your body will eventually turn on itself. When you stop defending you and you stay in a dynamic where you are shrinking and silencing and walking on eggshells, you are abandoning yourself and your body registers that betrayal. Your body is screaming at you. It's not safe here. But you keep overriding it to make it work with him. So what does a healthy relationship actually feel like to your nervous system? A lot of women miss it because it feels quiet. In a healthy relationship, your nervous system isn't constantly on alert. Bracing, scanning, rehearsing, editing. And so here are three signs that your relationship is healthy. One, you can exhale. You can feel a physical sensation of dropping your shoulders. And you can just be. You don't have to do. Two, you are fully expressed. You can take up space and have a bad day and not be your best self. And the relationship doesn't crumble. You can say, I need this and it doesn't start a war. And three, it's boring in a good way. There are not a lot of highs and lows. There is no adrenaline rush of will he call? Will he pick me? There is just consistency. And to a nervous system addicted to chaos and peace, this can feel boring at first, but I promise you, peace is the new luxury. If any of this sounds familiar. Just do a body scan and check in with yourself and evaluate your current relationship or your past relationships and be really honest with yourself. There is nothing more important than taking care of yourself first. When you are no longer the version of yourself that operates this way in life or in relationships, you've completely leveled up and you're operating at a higher vibe. And this is when you are magnetic, not just to the kind of relationship that you want, but to everything you want. Thanks for listening and make sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel so you can share your comments with me. I'll see you next time. Sam.