← Ready For Love with Hilary Silver
Ready For Love with Hilary Silver
#116: The 5 Non-Negotiables of Healthy Masculinity Most Women Get Wrong
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There is a dangerous lie in the dating world right now. It tells women that a masculine man is an alpha man, dominant, takes charge, traditional roles, and maybe even a little aggressive. And a lot of women, especially strong women, are buying it. But I'm telling you, as a therapist, coach, and relationship expert of 25 years, there is a difference between a man who is truly strong and a man who is just performing strength. And when you can't tell the difference, you end up with a controlling man who views your success as a threat. Someone who wants to possess you rather than partner with you, and who tries to push you down just to make himself bigger. So today, I'm giving you the five non negotiable traits of actual healthy masculinity so you can spot a real man in minutes and stop wasting your time on insecure boys in big bodies and and only invest your heart in a man who affirms you instead of one who tries to possess you. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Ready for Love podcast. Before we get started, please make sure to subscribe to the show on your preferred podcast platform so you never miss an episode. And also subscribe to our Ready for Love YouTube channel so you can share all of your thoughts and comments with me. So here's what women tell me all the time. I just want a strong masculine man. And I get it. I really do. Because you are strong. You are a force. You've built a career, a life, a whole identity on being capable and competent and independent and powerful. So of course you want to be with someone who can handle that. Not someone who shrinks when you walk into a room or who acquiesces to your every request. And we definitely don't want someone who needs you to dim your light so. So he can feel like the sun. That makes complete sense. No one wants a doormat. Ew. So I'm not telling you to go find yourself a pushover or a man without a backbone. That is not what I'm talking about. And there's another layer to this. And most women don't admit this to anyone, but I hear it every single day. You do everything. You manage everything, you carry everything. And what you really want is a man who will be a partner, who will actually lighten your load. He'll not only carry his weight, but take. Take care of you the way you take care of everyone else. So someone who can show up for you, be your equal, and allow you to finally stop over functioning and just be. Rather than someone who ends up needing you to be his Mother, his manager, his therapist, his retirement plan or motivational coach. You just want to be loved for who you are, not what you can do for him. Am I right? Yes, I am. But when you go looking for this strong, masculine man, what you find is often a controlling man, a narcissistic man, a man who confuses dominance with strength. This is men who mistake rigidity for leadership, men who need to be in charge, not because they're capable, but because they're threatened. And you end up right back where you started. Except now you're managing his ego on top of everything else. And here's the other thing women tell me all the time I want to be a power couple. I want someone as strong as me, as driven as me, as ambitious as me. And I understand the appeal of this. I. Two powerhouses, unstoppable, together, making shit happen and getting everything you want. Yes, sign me up. Me too. But here's what nobody tells you. Two people with the exact same energy, the exact same strengths, the exact same way of moving through the world is not a power couple. That's a recipe for a power struggle. It's an imbalance of talents and strengths. The truth is, a true power couple is. Isn't two of the same. It's two people whose strengths and weaknesses and talents complement each other. Where you're strong, he's flexible. And where he leads, you bring wisdom. Where one of you doubts, the other encourages and remembers. You don't need a mirror. You need a counterpart. Someone who makes you more powerful together than either of you are alone. But a truly masculine man doesn't always look the way you think he does. So let's talk all about real masculine strength, what that actually looks like, so you never waste your time on the counterfeit version of it ever again. Trait number one. He genuinely respects women. And it shows. The first sign of a truly masculine man is that he actually likes women. Not just finds them attractive or wants to have sex with them or just tolerates them. He genuinely respects the values and appreciates women as full human beings, as equals and as people worthy of the same dignity he'd extend to anyone. And here's why this matters so much. A man can treat you beautifully while holding contempt for women in general. He can be charming and attentive with you while his language reveals exactly how he sees women as a category. But if he doesn't respect women as a whole, he's not actually respecting you. He's making an exception for you. And exceptions have conditions. Exceptions run out. So listen carefully. Not Just to how he treats you, but to how he talks about women. His exes, his mother, women in the news, in his industry, in public life. Does he speak about women as individuals who are complex and capable and worthy? Or does he reduce them to a type, manipulative, impossible to please, or gold diggers? Does he use diminutive or derogatory terms when talking about women? Does he comment and critique about their bodies and objectify them? Does. Does he think women deserve autonomy over their own lives? Does he take your concerns seriously or dismiss them as emotional or irrational? This language is not just a red flag. It's a worldview. And you are not exempt from it. The man who genuinely respects women doesn't see your strength as a threat. It attracts him. He thinks your intelligence is sexy. He wants your real opinion, not the softened version you've learned to offer. When something good happens for you, a career, win, a goal, you hit something, something you built, his first instinct is to celebrate it, not compete with it, and not quietly minimize it, but celebrate it. Because your success has nothing to do with his ego. I like to think of ballroom dancers or even ice skaters. The man's entire role is to make the woman look extraordinary and beautiful and amazing. To feature her, to lift her while holding his own strong. Men lift women. They do not compete with them. And a man who doesn't respect a woman's humanity in the broader sense will eventually bring that home. So a green flag looks like this. He celebrates your wins without making them about him. He speaks about all women, including his exes, with basic dignity. He finds your strength attractive rather than threatening. And he never once described a woman as low value in any way. A red flag looks like this. He has a type of woman that he respects and a type that he doesn't. And the distinction is whether they do what he wants. He gets competitive or strange when you outperform him. He uses manosphere language, even casually. And when you express a concern about the world, he tells you you're overreacting. It feels like something is always going around. That's why Air Doctor is the only air purifier I use in our home. Air Doctor's powerful three stage filtration captures extremely small particles, about 100 times smaller than what typical air purifiers can remove. It captures airborne contaminants you don't want to be breathing in, like dust, pollen, mold, spores, pet dander, wildfire, smoke, bacteria, viruses, odors, ozone, and VOCs. It runs whisper quiet so it's not loud like others on the market. It has an Auto mode feature to ensure optimal air 24. 7 and change filter reminders so there's no guesswork. It even won Newsweek's Reader's Choice Award for Best Air Purifier. And 98% of Air Doctor customers say their home's air feels cleaner, safer and healthier. If you care about protecting your energy and staying well, start with the air you breathe. Head to airdoctorpro.com and use promo code ready to get up to $300 off air door comes with a 30 day money back guarantee plus a 3 year warranty. An $84 value for free. Get this exclusive podcast only offer now@airdoctorpro.com promo code ready at this point in my life, I have standards and one of them is not settling for a bra. That's just fine. I know how I want my clothes to fit and I'm not interested in anything that digs, shifts or needs to be adjusted all day. I've done enough of that. That's why the Skims Fits Everybody T shirt bra has become one of the first things I reach for when I'm getting dressed. It's my go to because it does exactly what I want it to do. I wear it under all my simple staples where the fit really matters. The underwire supports without cutting in. It's smooth and comfortable and it makes everything I put on over it look better. And the Fits Everybody thong absolutely holds up its end of the bargain. It's smoot easy and works under everything without leaving lines or creating problems I don't have time for. For me, this is what meeting the standard looks like. Pieces that feel good, fit beautifully and make getting dressed so much easier. Shop the Skims Fits everybody collection@skims.com after you place your order, let them know we sent you. Select podcast in the survey and choose Ready for Love in the dropdown. So trait number two he has emotional range. Most masculine men I know have full access to their emotions. They feel the sadness, the regret, the fear, the grief, not just the anger or outrage. Which, sadly, is how most men were socialized as little boys, right? Don't cry. Don't be a girl. They're ashamed or scorned for having feelings rather than being tough or stoic or stuffing it down. And this is very important. Men who have emotional range don't just feel their own feelings, but they have the capacity to feel for others. And they have empathy, the ability to understand from the inside what another person is going through because you're able to see another human and recognize that shared experience. When we have a loss, like a breakup or a pet dying, we know that pain and we can feel with that other person. When someone is sick or has an injury, he knows how bad that sucks for that other person. That recognition and that ability to meet someone in their experience is connection. And it's an essential building block for true intimacy. And if you're in a relationship with a man who is incapable of this range of emotion and empathy and expression, you will always feel alone, even when he's sitting right next to you. And the relationship will always orbit his experience, his feelings, his point of view, because there won't be any room for yours. A man who mocks emotional vulnerability, who calls sensitivity weak, who shuts down when things get hard. He will leave you emotionally starved, and over time, you'll stop bringing things to him because there's no point. And that is one of the loneliest feelings there is. The emotionally mature man handles conflict without exploding or shutting down. He can talk about what scares him, what he's struggling with, what he got wrong, and he apologizes when he owes one. He can sit with heart, emotions, his and yours, when without needing to immediately escape them. What you want is a man who can be your thought partner in life, Someone to go home to, who will actually engage with what scares you, what challenges you, what you're wrestling with or excited about, and someone who processes things with you instead of shutting down or deflecting. This is true masculinity. A man who is secure enough in himself to defy everything he was taught about what strength is supposed to look like, and dares to be sensitive and have empathy and feel it all anyway. So the green flags are that he can talk about his own struggles without it becoming a crisis. He stays present when you're emotional instead of shutting down or giving you the silent treatment. And he engages with hard conversations rather than avoiding. And a red flag looks like this. The only emotion he expresses freely is anger or outrage. He's quick to call other men weak for having and showing feelings. And he goes silent when things get hard and then maybe unloads later. And every emotional conversation somehow ends with him being the victim. So trait number three, he uses his strength to protect, not to possess. There are men who use their strength to possess and men who use their strength to protect. From the outside, they can look very similar. Both confident, decisive, and take charge. But the difference becomes very clear over time. In graduate school, I learned something that I've never forgotten. There are two kinds of power. The power of influence, which is essentially bully energy, the ability to get what you want by making others smaller, more afraid and less than. And then there's the power of self esteem, which is visionary leadership energy, the ability to create, to build, to carve a path and bring others along with you. Both attract followers, but one is destructive and one is constructive. The possessive man needs you in a box. And his strength only works when he's in control over his environment, over outcomes, and over you. He's threatened by your autonomy because a woman with full freedom is a woman he cannot possess, a woman he cannot control. He confuses loving you with owning you. And in a relationship, that energy shows up as jealousy, as control, and as a slow erosion of everything you are. Because the insecure man can only feel big when something else is made small. A truly masculine man feels uses that same strength in exactly the opposite way. He is the underdog's champion. He notices who's been overlooked or pushed aside or left without a lane and uses whatever he has to create one. He is a force for good. He holds things down so you can show up fully. He creates space for you to show up. He is solid enough in himself that your freedom doesn't threaten him and it delights him. Here's the simplest way to put it. Is he a hero or is he a villain? Is he here to help or to harm? Does he move through the world protecting people's dignity or stripping it away simply because he can? Any man can exert power over something smaller or weaker physically than him. That takes nothing. But it takes a real man to use his strength in service of preservation, to rescue rather than destroy, to protect rather than dominate. And to make more space in the world rather than consum it all for himself. So a green flag looks like this. He's kind to people who can do nothing for him. He notices who needs help and moves toward it without being asked. He's protective, without being controlling. And his presence, physical or otherwise, makes the people around him feel safer, not smaller. A red flag looks like this. He's only generous when there's an audience he makes fun of or blames those less fortunate or struggling. Where he uses his strength to intimidate or be a looming threat rather than to protect. I think we've confused more effort with better results. You see young women on socials promoting complicated 10 step skincare routines and I just think, no, I don't need 10 products. I know that short term fads don't deliver long term results. That's why I use oneskin. Oneskin was founded by longevity researchers, and their products are rooted in real science, not trends or fancy packaging. 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After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. This was a paid advertisement from Oneskin. Trait Number four He takes responsibility without making everything your fault. This one is subtle, and it's one of the most important things to look for. Man who takes real responsibility for his life doesn't blame women and society or feminism for where he is in life. He doesn't carry bitterness about what's been unfair. He doesn't feel entitled to anything, let alone your time, your attention, sex, or a relationship just because he showed up. He looks at his own life, his outcomes, his patterns, his choices, and he owns them. Not perfectly and not without struggle, but he owns them nonetheless. The other kind of man has an explanation for anything and everything, and explanation is never any. Him dating is impossible because women only want rich men. His relationships fail because women are manipulative. He can't get ahead because the system is rigged against men. There's always an external cause, always someone else to blame. There's always a reason why none of it is his fault. And this matters enormously in a relationship because a man who can't take responsibility for his life cannot take responsibility in your relationship either. So when things go wrong between you and they will, because that's what relationships do, he will find a way to make it always about you, and it will always be your fault. He will be unable to Apologize genuinely. Because acknowledging fault is a threat to the story he tells himself. And the flip side of this is just as important. A man who takes real responsibility doesn't weaponize your accountability either. He doesn't hold your mistakes over you, keep score, or use your past against you in the present. When you apologize for something or admit to something, he doesn't use it against you later. This man can work on himself without bitterness. He focuses on what he can change rather than cataloging everything that's been unfair. So a green flag looks like this. He talks about his past with ownership rather than grievance. He can apologize without being forced to. He accepts no without punishing you for it. And he's focused on building rather than what he's been denied in the past. A red flag looks like this. He has a long list of people who've wronged him. He thinks feminism or modern women are the reason he's struggling. He reacts to rejection or disappointment with anger or contempt. And in arguments, he's keeping score rather than seeking a solution. And trait number five, He's a grown man, not a project. It's a sad reality that I have to bring this up, but I do because I hear it every single day. Grown men who are not fully functioning adults who can't really thrive in life on their own, so they get into relationships with women so they can be taken care of, no matter how successful he might be at work, how physically strong he might be. A man who seeks a nurse, a purse, an atm, a retirement plan, a nanny for his kids, a therapist, a social planner and a mommy is not a truly masculine man. A truly masculine man manages his own life, his own health, his hygiene. He makes his own doctor's appointments. He takes care of his own body. He doesn't wait for someone else to notice that he's not okay and encourages him to fix it. He handles his own finances, his own friendships, and his own emotional regulation. He shows up to the relationship as a whole person, not a renovation project, waiting for the right woman to come along and see his potential. Here's why this matters so much for you specifically. High achieving women are incredibly good and at optimizing things. It's part of what makes us exceptional in every other area of our lives. And without realizing it, we bring that same energy into our relationships. Coaching him through his moods, translating his silences, anticipating his needs, managing his calendar, making sure he eats, reminding him to call his mother, making his doctor's appointments for him. We've been doing all of this and calling it love but it is not love. It is labor. And it's exhausting in a way that is very hard to name because it looks from the outside like we are nurturing and caring and we get rewarded and praised for being this way. But I call this the project manager. And the reason so many capable women end up in this role isn't because they're controlling. It's because they've been choosing men who needed someone to carry the invisible load while he rides her coattails and coasts on her competence and calls it partnership. Truly masculine man finds that dynamic just as unappealing as you do. He is not looking to be managed, mothered or rescued. Because ew, that is not sexy for either of you. He brings his own resources, emotional, financial, practical to the table. He takes care of the people he loves, including himself. And yes, taking care of himself is masculine. A man who ignores his health, outsources his emotional needs and expects a woman to hold his life together is not a strong masculine man. He's dependent. And dependency, dressed up as a business professional or a Peter Pan is still dependency. This doesn't mean he has to have everything figured out, and it doesn't mean he never needs support. We all do. But there is a profound difference between a man who occasionally leans on his partner and during a hard season, and a man who never once stood on his own, and a man who can equally give back to you and take care of you not in a tit for tat kind of way or a scorekeeping kind of way, but in an organic, fluid, healthy, give and take kind of way. The man you want comes to you already whole and adds value to your life instead of adding to your workload. And being with him feels like having a partner, not raising a second child. That is the gut punch truth of this entire conversation. After everything we've covered, his security, his emotional range, his respect for women, his strength and service of others, it all collapses if he is or becomes a project the moment you fall for him. A real man doesn't need a woman to complete him, carry him, or build him. He shows up already built and ready to contribute and build something with you. So green flags are like this. He manages his own life without being reminded. He has his own friendships and his own interests, his own emotional toolkit. And when he does lean on you, it's mutual, not a one way drain. A red flag looks like this. His last relationship ended because she wasn't supportive enough. His health, finances or friendships are quietly in shambles. He relies or leans on you too much and he seems perfectly comfortable with that arrangement. So here's what I want you to take away from today. Real masculinity is not loud. It's not deep dominant. It's not a performance of strength designed to keep you in place. It is quiet confidence, emotional availability, consistent presence. A man who is secure enough in himself that your power makes him lean in, not pull back. He doesn't need anything from you, but wants the best for you and will do everything in his power to lift you up. Stop looking for the loudest guy in the room. Stop confusing control with strength and and intensity with attraction. Look for the man who shows up in the small things, who can cry at a TV show and also hold you accountable. Who wants you fully expressed, even on the days when you are being fully expressed is inconvenient for him. That man exists and you will not find him by making yourself smaller or of service. You'll find him by being exactly who you are and refusing to settle for anyone who needs you to be anything less. If this resonated with you, please share it with a woman who needs to hear it. And make sure to subscribe to the YouTube channel so you can share your thoughts and comments with me and I'll see you next time.