← Ready For Love with Hilary Silver
Ready For Love with Hilary Silver
#117: This One Habit Is Destroying Your Quality of Life (Being Low Maintenance)
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Don't worry about me. I'll be all right. I'm easy. You decide. Whatever you want is fine. Sound familiar? If these are common sentiments or phrases for you, stay with me, because I'm about to show you exactly why being low maintenance is quietly costing you your quality of life and the kind of deeply fulfilling relationships that you want. And what's underneath it is probably not what you think. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Ready for Love podcast. If you haven't already, please subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode. And I would love it if you would leave us a five star rating. It really helps other women find us. And also, if you haven't already, please subscribe to the YouTube channel so that you can share all your thoughts, comments and questions with me. Here's what we're going to cover today. First, where this low maintenance BS actually came from and why it made total sense at the time. Then I'm going to show you where it's playing out in your life right now. And. And some of it will probably surprise you because it shows up in places that most women never look. And finally, four specific shifts that will change how you're showing up, not just in your relationships, but in every room that you walk into. By the end of our conversation, you're not going to see being easy the same way again. So from the time that we were little girls, we were taught to be easy. Be agreeable. Don't ask for too much, don't make things difficult. And if we did that, if we stayed small and pleasant and undemanding, we got rewarded. We were the good girl. We were well behaved, we were loved. But the moment that we took up too much space and expressed a real emotion or we pushed back, we got labeled as too sensitive or too demanding or too bossy or too much. And this didn't just come from one place, it came from everywhere, all at once. So maybe your home had an unspoken rule that having needs created tension. Can kids should be seen and not heard. That kind of a thing. You learn to swallow your needs and bite your tongue to keep the peace. Those types of messages that were happening inside the home, but then out in the wild, our culture backed it up. Every movie, every magazine, every cool girl trope told you the same thing. Be easygoing, be fun. Be low maintenance, easy breezy, right? If you have opinions, just make sure they're bland enough not to ruffle any feathers. And God forbid you have grand ambitions. And just don't be too loud about it so you Adapted. You got very good at reading the room, managing other people's comfort, and keeping your own needs quietly to yourself. And every single time that you minimized yourself and it worked and you got rewarded for it. Meaning you kept the peace or you got the approval, you avoided the conflict, you got the pat on the back, you got the recognition, it became a little bit more automatic for you to do it. That is operant conditioning at its best. Best. Just like Pavlov's dog. So it slowly became a habit, and then slowly the habit became hardwired. And that hardwire is not a metaphor. That is literally how our brain builds these default pathways that we have. I know you've heard me say this before. Neurons that fire together, wire together. But here's where it's important. Over time, this stopped being a strategy and just a behavior, and it became an identity. Meaning it moved from something that you did to something that you are. It went from being a rule that you followed to a belief that you actually hold. And that belief is this. The less that you need, the more lovable you are. And we call it being low maintenance. We call it being easy or flexible or not needy. Okay, that somehow this makes you more attractive and desirable. But we also now call it pick me energy. Thanks to Gen Z. Right? It's pick me energy. Being someone or something or acting in a certain way to get other people to react or respond to you in the way that you want them to. And that way is to be chosen, to be liked, to be picked. This is why you can be a very smart, successful, self aware woman, even the kind of woman who's done a lot of real work on herself and still do this automatically. Because it's not a conscious choice anymore. You're just doing it by default, automatically. It's a deeply worn neural pathway that fires before you even realize that it's happening. So let's look at where this is actually playing out in your life, because it is probably showing up in more places than you realize. Did you know three out of four homes in the US have toxic chemicals in their tap water? Even when it looks clear, it can still contain chlorine, lead, forever chemicals and microplastics, which are all linked to fatigue, hormone disruption, and even cancer. I'm really intentional about what I put in my body. So when I learned that, I got an Aqua True countertop water purifier. Its patented four stage reverse osmosis system removes 84 contaminants way beyond what standard fridge or pitcher filters can do. So my family and I get pure, healthy water I can actually trust and there's no plumbing or installation needed. Aqua True has been featured in Business Insider and Popular Science and was named Best Countertop Water Filter by good housekeeping. Join 98% of customers who say their drinking water is cleaner, safer and healthier. Go to aquatru.com now for 20% off using promo code ready. Aquatru even comes with a 30 day best tasting water guarantee. That's aquatru.com a q u a t r u.com with promo code ready. So in friendships, you're the one who always adjusts and accommodates. You hold space for everyone. But when it's your turn, you go quiet. You don't want to be a burden. And this is how you end up feeling disconnected. Even in relationships that look close on the surface, someone cancels on you last minute and you say totally fine, no worries. But later you feel it that sting, like a quiet frustration or aggravation because it wasn't fine. It just felt safer to say that it was. At work, you say yes to everything, take on more than your share. You don't ask for the raise, the recognition, compensation or promotion that you so rightfully deserve. You just show up, proving yourself and earning your place. Even if it means that you're making sacrifices to your personal life and your well being. And this, my friends, is the core issue driving burnout for women in your family. You're the independent one, the one who has it all together, the one who doesn't need anything from anyone. So you end up absorbing the tension at every gathering so everyone else can stay comfortable. You smooth things over. You redirect and manage the mood in every room. You solve the problems or plan everything. You've been doing it for so long that nobody even thinks to ask you if you're okay. Why would they? Because you always seem fine. And in romantic relationships, you he does something that bothers you and you don't bring it up. You don't want to seem too sensitive or difficult, so you swallow it. You smile. You tell yourself it's not a big deal. You never ask for the commitment that you really want. You never make demands. You just hope that if you're agreeable enough, easy enough, patient enough, he'll eventually give you what you want without you having to ask. But this is exactly how misalignment happens. And in those early days you are inviting that dynamic right from the start. And it locks it in early. It's a dance that you end up doing together for years and it is the root cause of resentment. Your silence looks a lot like acceptance. And they believe you when you show up with no preferences, no real expression of who you are and there's nothing for the other person to respond to. You've literally removed yourself from the equation. And people cannot show up for you if they don't know how. You are misrepresented, representing yourself. And they fall for it. They believe this is who you are and how you are, but it's not. And you know it, but they don't. So it's just really not fair. Not to you and not to them either. At the end of the day, it's just costing you so much to be this way. You're missing out. You are. And actually so are they. You're missing out on being seen and witnessed and known and cared for. You are missing out on receiving, receiving from other people everything that you want. And they are missing out too. Missing out on genuinely knowing you and experiencing the real you. You are literally robbing people of the gift of knowing who you really are. So what this really means is that there's no genuine connection happening in your relationships. Your relationships stay surface level. There's no depth at all. Because depth requires two real people actually showing up fully expressed. And if you're not fully there, there's just nothing to grab onto. So your relationships are filler but not fulfilling. And this is when people say that they have a lot of friends but don't feel like they have any real friends. Or they've been in a long term relationship but have never really felt like they've been loved for all of who they are. That they've not been fully seen and witnessed and appreciated and known. When you are easy to be with, you are impossible to connect to. You're holding back. And the irony here ladies, is this. You, by being low maintenance and easy to be with, are creating the very rejection you're trying to avoid. It's you who is inviting the shallow surface level or transactional relationships that have you feeling lonely and disconnected. There's actually a more accurate word for this than low maintenance. What you've actually been doing is self abandonment. Every time you said whatever you want. Every time that you swallowed the frustration and said totally fine, you abandoned yourself, you left yourself behind, you put everyone else's comfort ahead of your own. But all of this isn't to blame and shame. It's actually a good thing. We want it to be you that you're doing this. I know it's the bitter pill to swallow for sure that it's you, but it's also the magic pill. Because if you're the problem here, then you are also the solution. And that is what I want to share with you right now. We're going to fix this right now. I get invited to be part of online summits all the time and I almost always say no. I'm really protective of you and my community. I never want to send you anywhere that isn't truly worth your time. But I said yes to this one. It's called the Power of Love Summit. It's completely free and it runs June 2nd through the 8th. This isn't surface level relationship tips. It goes into the real stuff. How we disconnect from ourselves, why love can feel hard to receive, and how old emotional wounds shape the way we show up in our relationships. I'm joining over 40 industry leading voices including Tara Brock, John and Julie Gottman, Nicole Lapera and Harville Hendricks. There will be meditations and breathwork and journaling woven throughout so you can actually walk away doing something different, not just thinking something different. Go save your free spot@readyforloveinc.com summit. That's readyforloveinc.com summit. I'll also put the link in the show notes. See you there. And here's what I want you to know. The opposite of self abandonment is not selfishness. It's not about becoming demanding or difficult or high maintenance in a bad way. That's just the story that you were told to keep you small. And the opposite of self abandonment is coming back to yourself. Putting yourself back at the center of your own life. Not your partner, not your kids, not your mother, not whoever you've been twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to please you. Putting yourself back, front and center. Everyone else is already doing this. You may not realize it, but they are. They are already living from their own center. You were the only one that gave that up and called it being a good person. That ends today. And while we're at it, let's burn down the whole high maintenance thing too, because that phrase has been used to shrink women for decades. And I am done with it. High maintenance actually means you maintain yourself. You have standards, you have preferences. You know what you want and you won't accept anything less. And you say it out loud. That is not a difficult woman. That is a woman who knows her worth. Your needs are not a burden. They are information. They show people what a real relationship with you looks like. And when you hide them and when you swallow them down and smile and say you're fine. You rob everyone around you of the chance to actually show up for you. And you rob yourself of knowing who would do that for you. The right people rise when you have needs. The wrong ones reveal themselves. And both of those outcomes are exactly what you want. Because real connection is not built on you being easy. It is built on you being real. So here's what you're going to do differently. There are four shifts, and stay with me through all four, because the last one is really the one that women find the hardest. Shift number one, start treating your preferences as information worth sharing. What do you actually want to eat? When someone asks you, what do you want? What do you want to do this weekend? What time works for you? I know these feel really small and insignificant, but this is where you practice. This is how you start rebuilding the neural pathways that says what I want is worth saying out loud. Stop assuming that people don't care. Most of the time they genuinely do. I for one know that when I ask somebody what they want to eat or where they want to go for dinner, I. I want the truth. I don't want them to say whatever it is that I want. I want to know so that together we can decide where we're going. And now we're having an experience together that we're both happy with. When you say anywhere is fine and it's not fine, that is not being easy. That is self betrayal. And it's actually deception. Every time you do it, you are lying, misrepresenting yourself, and actually deceiving other people. And you move just a little bit further away from yourself and it's just not good at all. So shift number one, your preferences are worth sharing. Say them out loud. Three more to go. Shift number two, pause before you say I'm fine. Just pause and ask yourself, honestly, is that actually true or am I afraid to care out loud? There's a difference between genuinely being okay and performing okay because it feels safer. Start noticing which one you're doing. That gap between what you say and what you feel is what needs to narrow. Just speak your truth. Shift number two is stop performing fine when you're not. Shift number three, drop the apology before you speak your needs. No more I'm sorry, I know this is a lot, but no more over explaining. No more building a legal case for why your need is valid before you're allowed to express it. Here's what it sounded like before. I'm so sorry to ask. I know you're busy and I totally understand if you can't. But would it maybe be possible if here's what it sounds like after I need X, state it just like it's normal. Because it is. Your needs don't require a defense attorney. How's that? So shift number three. Say what you need without all the apology. And one more. This is a big one. Shift number four. Let people respond to the real you. This is where most women stall. Because showing up honestly means giving up control of the outcome, and the outcome being their acceptance of you. And that is terrifying when you've spent your whole life managing everyone else's reactions to keep yourself safe and in good standing. But their reaction is not your job. It never was. Your job is to show up honestly and authentically and let the chips fall where they may. Some people will surprise you and some people will disappoint you. Both give you real information about who you're actually dealing with. And that is far more valuable than staying comfortable in a dynamic built on a performance. And then you get to decide what are you going to do with that information? Is this someone that you want to stay in a relationship with or not? It actually ends up giving you all the control and a sense of freedom and autonomy and agency that your after. It's just approached in a different way without your self sacrifice. So yes, this is going to feel uncomfortable at first. That discomfort is not a sign that something is wrong. It's the feeling of a very old neural pathway being interrupted, a pattern interrupt. It's what change actually feels like. And after you do it enough times, it stops feeling scary and actually starts feeling like freedom. So shift number four. Show up real and let people respond to the real you. Now before you go, I want to leave you with something. The thing that most women never realize until it's too late. The version of you that has needs, takes up space, says what she wants and asks for what she needs is not the version that drives people away. She's the version that actually attracts the right people. Finally, because the right relationships are not built on you being easy. As I said, they are built on you being real. And the woman who shows up real, fully, unapologetically, without performing, she doesn't just get better relationships. She also finally gets to stop being a stranger to herself. That is the biggest gift of all. And it starts the moment that you decide you are done being low maintenance, done self abandoning. I hope you enjoyed this episode. If you know someone who needs to hear it, please share it with them and make sure to subscribe to the podcast and to our YouTube channel so you never miss an episode. I'll see you next time.