← Ready For Love with Hilary Silver
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Despite what you might think, and despite how hard it may have felt up until now, changing yourself or your life doesn't have to take years. It can actually happen in an instant if you know what to do and how to do it. Forget crying it all out in grueling therapy sessions. Forget white knuckling your way through years of slow, incremental maybe I'll get there eventually. Change. You can create a quantum leap anytime you want. And that is exactly what I'm going to show you today. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Ready for Love podcast. We're talking about how to compress time around the change that you want. Whether it's finding love, building something, or stepping into a bigger version of your life so you don't have to wait months or years to start living differently. If you haven't already, please subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode and and I would love your five star reviews. It really helps us get circulating so more women can find us. And also please subscribe to our YouTube channel so you can share your thoughts and your comments and your questions with me. Here's what I know after 25 years of working with women on the most challenging life and relationship issues, and what I have personally lived in my own life. Change is possible with just one moment of complete awareness or clarity, such as a conversation that rearranges something inside of you and suddenly you. You are not who you were five minutes ago. This is available to you right now. You just have to know how. So I'm giving you four things. A combination of internal shifts and external actions that will show you exactly how to create your own quantum leap and compress time around getting the life you actually want. And stay with me until the very end, because I'm going to give you one question that will tell you immediately whether you are ready to leap or whether something is still holding you back. So before we talk about what to do, we have to talk about what has to happen first on the inside. Because if you skip that part, you go nowhere and get nothing. This overlooked and underestimated step is the reason most people take action, work hard, do all the right things, and still don't get what they want. Because the truth is this. No matter how hard you're working, nothing will work out there when the inside hasn't shifted first. The outside work only works when the inside has shifted first. So we're starting there and I'll explain more what I mean. So the first thing is making the decision. Have you ever watched someone change really Fast. Like really genuinely fast. Someone who seemed completely stuck. And then suddenly, almost overnight, everything looked different. New relationship or new energy or a new version of themselves. Maybe you thought, wow, what do they have that I don't? What are they doing that I don't know how to do? What did they do that made them change so fast? What they did was make a decision, a real one. They made a final decision. And I want to be very specific about what I mean by that, because most people think they've made a decision when what they've actually done is made a wish or they're hoping, or they're dreaming, or they're waiting for the thing to magically just happen. Let's see how it goes. That kind of a mentality, we do this all the time, passively, where we want something, but it doesn't really register and it doesn't make anything change or happen, because that's not a decision. That's a maybe. And maybes will not quantum leap you anywhere. It won't get you anything. Real decision has a completely different quality to it. You can feel it when it happens. It's like an internal click, and you just know it differently. You. You feel it differently. It's all of a sudden, in that moment, you are fucking done. Done with the current situation, done with things the way that they are. That's how it feels. There's a finality to it, even if it's not something bad that you're moving away from, and it's just something that you want more of. You're done messing around with what you had and where you were. And it's what you want is clear, and it's final. So remember when your parents said something was final? There was no negotiation, no. No discussion. Nothing that you said or did or beg or plead with them was going to change their mind. That's what I'm talking about. That is that. And it was simply done and decided and final. And then everything organized itself around that. So that's really what I'm talking about. No more debating or deliberating. It's simply done. My family and I joke about this. When I make a decision for the family or a decision for myself, I say I have spoken, and they know that I am not negotiable at that point. It's just a joke. But that's the energy that I'm talking about and why it works. When you make a real decision, every bit of mental energy that you were spending on should I? Shouldn't I? Not yet. Maybe. What if. What if someday all of that gets freed up and your brain, which had been dividing itself between the life that you have and the life that you're considering, gets to go all in on one direction. And when you're all in and all of your energy moves in that one direction, everything gravitates towards that energy. Because you're not going back and forth anymore. You're not half in and half out debating or doubting or even trying to figure out how, if it's even possible. You're just in, no matter what. And then all the details figure themselves out later. You don't have to hesitate because you don't know how. You just have to decide that, yes, I'm doing it and yes, I want it, the how comes later. This decision has declaration, energy behind it, determination, energy. It's a promise to self energy, a knowing energy that it will be done, it shall be done. And a declaration and a promise to yourself that then changes everything that you're doing and how you're thinking. Because all of this new directed and focused thinking and energy sends a message to the universe and you begin attracting what you are focused on. The universe will send you half in and half out if you're half and half out. If you are sending mixed messages, you're going to get mixed results because you get what you expect and you attract into your life what you are thinking about and where your focus goes, grows. And it all starts so with this internal decision to go all in on yourself. I see this constantly in my work. Women come to me having thought about what, what they want. For years, they've journaled about it, talked about it in therapy, talked about it with all their friends. They've made vision boards, they'd hired matchmakers or coaches to help them. But they were also ambivalent, wanting a relationship but not wanting it at the same time. Either they're not feeling worthy of it deep down, or they're afraid of losing themselves in another relationship, or they're worried about picking another wrong partner so nothing that they're doing is working out. Then something shifts, a moment of real clarity, a conversation that just cut through, or words that landed differently, and they just decide that they are no longer going to hold themselves back or get in their own way anymore. They decide this is what they want and therefore they shall have it. And within weeks, sometimes days, they start to see everything take shape around that decision. Can you think about a time when you had that decision flip of a switch moment inside and you got the thing or did the thing or the thing happened that is the difference here. And it works. And it's the very first necessary step because nothing real will begin to happen without it. Now let's get into the second internal shift and we're going to talk about the thing that's been in the room this whole time. Partly why you were having trouble making a decision in the first place. But now that you've decided you're all in fear, you are going to feel fear even more than before. And here's what we get wrong about fear. We've been reading the fear signal wrong our entire lives. We treat fear as a stop sign, as evidence that we're not ready, that this isn't right, that we should wait until we feel more prepared or more comfortable or it's not so scary to us that fear means danger and we should retreat and go the other way. Right? That's what we've been taught. That interpretation is, is completely understandable. And it's the mainstream and conventional interpretation of fear. But it is what keeps women and all of us standing at the edge of our own leap for years. This conditioning keeps us small and in check. It keeps us manageable and controllable. And it keeps all of us in the general population living a status quo, ordinary, clock in, clock out, life. Someone has to be those cogs in the wheel of ordinary rather than stepping out and being extraordinary. So here's what I know to be true. And I know this from watching thousands of women and from living this very viscerally personally myself. If it's not scaring you at least a little, it's not the right leap. If it's too safe, it isn't even really a leap at all. It's only just the next predictable action that's keeping you stuck, repeating things over and over, like being on a conveyor belt, destined for more of the same until you die. And I know that sounds really dramatic, but it's true. So please hear me right now. Fear is not a warning to retreat. It is your edge. It's the boundary of your comfort zone. When you step into that boundary, that line, it's a moment of truth. And it's a confirmation that you have arrived at a moment of reckoning. It's a divine opportunity to accept the challenge of going beyond the known or to retreat and stay exactly as you are, crossing over that edge, stepping beyond the safety of the known and the now. The current is where your next level lives. It's where you get to be extraordinary. So you can choose predictable or you can choose potential and potential is what reaches beyond what is even possible. Your fullest, greatest potential is on the other side of this fear. And here's the most important part of what I'm saying right now. The only way you will ever step over that line is if the desire for what you want is bigger than the fear of going after it. Let me say that again. You have to want that thing so much more than you are scared of what may be out there, what may happen, and what you might experience or come up against. When your desire is bigger than your fear, fear then becomes your compass rather than your cage. I had a moment that taught me this in a very specific, visceral way. It wasn't a super important thing that happened in my life, but it's a perfect illustration and it was a turning point for me. So, years ago, probably in like 2014 or something like that, when I had the very first inkling of a desire to be more than just a private practice therapist, I. I was offered a chance to speak at a big event. 300 people in the room. And my very first completely automatic reaction before I even consciously processed the invitation was this. What do I say? How. How can I get out of it? What can. What excuse can I make to say no and not do it? I heard myself say that. I observed it and I noticed it, and I immediately hated that that was my response. It was the old me who I had been up until that point, and I was afraid. I was scared to speak in public. She, meaning me, was very comfortable working one on one with clients in my little private practice office. She was alive and well and already working on her excuses to not cross that threshold of fear. The new me, the one who knows she has a lot of helpful things to share with the world and wanted a platform to share. It was still just beginning to take shape within me. And I went back and forth between, no, I'm not doing it, it's too scary, no way, and yes, I have to do this. I need to do this. It was a couple of days of complete torment. Old me, new me, comfort and predictable and same old, same old, stay the same as I am. Or flipping into this is an opportunity to grow and put myself out there and share my thoughts and ideas. Yes, no, yes, no. Oh my God. I'm sure you can relate in some way with a decision that you've had to make that. That felt similar. Finally, I landed on this. The fact that it scared me that much meant that I had to do it. I decided the fear is a sign that it is the right thing for me, not the wrong thing. And so I said yes. Not in spite of the fear, but because of it. Actually. I wrote the keynote. I practiced it. I showed up, nerves and all, and I delivered it. And it wasn't perfect, but it was good enough. And it was fine and fun and amazing. But after all of that, what surprised me the most wasn't that I. I didn't even really care about the speech. And I wasn't replaying every word or wondering what people thought. I was just proud. I was also very relieved that it was over. But I was genuinely, deeply proud of myself just for saying yes to the hard thing, for accepting the challenge and doing the scary thing, and for taking the opportunity to show up as her, my bigger evolved self, even when every comfortable, familiar part of me was resisting it. I got to be her. That was the win. And being on stage for those seven minutes gave me the experience, so that now I know what it feels like to be her. You don't back away from the fear. You do it because it scares you. And you recognize it as the moment and an opportunity to step up. And the bigger the fear, the more likely it is that it is the right thing. I know that's backwards from what we've all been taught our whole lives, so I'm going to say it again to make sure it sinks in. If it's not scaring you enough, then perhaps it's just too easy. It's not the big needle mover, so just think about it. So the second thing is this. Stop reading fear as a reason not to leap and start reading it as confirmation that you should. Your next level is always going to feel terrifying. That's how you know it's real. Two more to go. Okay, so number three, become her and practice being her every single day. So you've decided, and now you know that fear is your compass, not your cage. Now here's the part that almost everyone gets completely backwards. And it is the reason so many women do all the right things and still don't get what they want. They think the new life comes first, and then they get to become the person living it. That somehow you work hard to achieve a goal and only then when it's achieved, when will you have the evidence that you need to start living as the person who achieved it? I know that was a mouthful, but that's just not how it works. You have to be that person and live as that person who creates that life first before that life will manifest. It's not once I meet my person and feel safe in a relationship, then I'll show up authentically. Me. No, it's not. Doesn't work that way. And it's not. Once the business is profitable, then I'll feel like a real success. No, you have to feel like a real success first and know that you are successful before you can achieve success. And it's not once I've lost the weight, then I will be happy and love myself. No, you have to be happy and love yourself first before you can lose the weight. We have it all backwards, and it will keep you waiting on the precipice of what you want forever. So here's the real way and it works. And I hope you'll have the good sense to really listen to me on this, because I have lived it and I know it to be true. Your external reality is always a reflection of your internal one. Your brain is constantly, automatically generating behavior for you that is consistent with how it sees you. So if it still sees you as the old version of you, the one who settles, who hides, who plays small, who tolerates things that she shouldn't, it will keep producing the same results every single time. If you keep playing small, you will keep getting small. You don't get this new life by doing new things, but meanwhile staying the same person you've always been. You get a new life by becoming a new person first and letting the new life follow from that. What's really important here is that you can't wait for permission. You can't wait for evidence. You can't wait for someone or something outside of you to confirm that you are now allowed to be this new version of yourself. That confirmation is never coming from an external source or an experience. It has to come from within you. It is up to you. You decide you have to become her first, and then the evidence follows. It's not seeing is believing. Nope. It's belief first. Then you will start seeing. This is exactly what we do with my clients in the Ready for Love program. The women who find real, lasting love are never just the ones who found the right person. They're the ones who became the right woman for themselves. First, they stopped lying to men and to themselves about what they actually want. They stopped hiding the parts of themselves they were afraid were too much to share or not good enough to be loved. And they stopped tolerating behavior they previously made excuses for. They got clear and honest and grounded in who they actually are. And once that happened, they were able to attract the man who was a match for that version of her. Not the performance, but the real version of her. So you go first and everything else that you want follows. So whether your leap is about health or your body or your career or finances, it's all the same principle. How does the new version of you live? What is she wearing? What is she eating? How is she moving through her days? What has she stopped saying yes to? Which friendships has she quietly outgrown because they were keeping her tethered to the old version of herself? Start living as her now. Before the the scale has moved, before the bank account is full, before the business is successful. Your brain rewires through repeated behavior every choice you make as this new version of you strengthens the neural pathway that supports this new woman who thinks differently and operates differently. And the old patterns weaken and the new behavior becomes effortless and normal. It's not something that you're trying to do, it's just who you are now. So how does the new version of you, the one living the future, future life you want so badly, how does she move through the world? How does she communicate and express herself? What are your yeses and no's? What are your commitments and priorities and routines? Be her now. And to give you a clue what I'm talking about, here are some examples. It happens when your colleague takes credit for your idea in a meeting and you have a choice. Say something or let it go like you always have. It happens when a friend makes a plan that doesn't work for you and you hear yourself starting to say yes anyway. It happens when someone ask asks your opinion and you feel the familiar pull to soften, hedge it or make it more palatable or agree with them. And you catch yourself and say what you actually think instead. And it happens at home in the invisible, unspoken somehow, always your job moments that pile up so gradually you stopped noticing that you were carrying all of the load. The calendar management, the emotional temperature of the room, the needs of everyone around you quietly taking priority over your own. The new version of you. You puts some of that down and delegates or just lets it go because it's not your job and it's not your problem. She doesn't do those things or live like that anymore. So the third thing, be her now before her future life arrives. Practice being her in the ordinary moments of everyday life. And one more this is where it all becomes real in the world. I think this is very underestimated. Your environment is doing something to you, whether you're paying attention to it or not. The people closest to you, the Conversations that you're having, the voices that you're letting into your head on a regular basis, they are constantly shaping your idea of what is normal, what is possible, what someone like you can have and do and be. So the question is never whether your environment is shaping you. It is. It's always shaping you. It's either shaping you toward this new version of you or keeping you the old version of you. When I joined a mastermind of entrepreneurs in 2017, we were all working towards our first million. It was a $75,000 for the year mastermind. And the most valuable thing I got wasn't a strategy or a tactic at all. It was normalization. Suddenly, talking about big numbers was just Tuesday. And having a massive vision wasn't crazy talk. What had felt radical started feeling simply like, what's next? That's what being in the right room does to your brain. So get her. Get you deliberately in the right room. And it doesn't have to be a $75,000 mastermind. It can be a coaching program. It can be a community, a group of women doing the work that you want to do. It can be what you're consuming, what you're listening to, what voices are you literally letting into your brain and into your world and your energy on a regular basis. Find the rooms where the version of you that you're becoming is just who everyone else already is or are also working on becoming. Surround yourself with those people so that future life that you want becomes your normal. So the fourth thing is get in the right room by design and intentionally. Because if you're not choosing your environment deliberately, it's choosing you by default. And that is not what we want. Because women will stay stuck not living their fullest potential because of that. And here's the question that I want you to ponder. Is my desire for what I want bigger than my fear? And what am I actually afraid of? Am I afraid of not getting it? Of it not happening? Or am I actually afraid of getting what I want? If you're afraid of the thing you think you want or the thing you say you want, it will never happen. Ever. Ever. That is why these questions are so important. What you want is yours to take and to have. If you are ready to receive it into your life, you do not have to earn your way slowly into a bigger life or one that feels like it's truly yours. You don't have to wait for anything. You can quantum leap right into it. It is not woo and it's not magic. And it can happen for anyone who is ready to actually make it happen. And I really believe these four specific and deliberate moves are are the way to do it. It's worked for me and I've watched it work for thousands of my clients over the years, so I know it will work for you too. Thanks for listening and make sure to subscribe to the podcast and the YouTube page. I will put the link in the show notes and I'll see you next time.