← Ready For Love with Hilary Silver
Ready For Love with Hilary Silver
#121: Your Life Looks Good on Paper — So Why Doesn't It Feel Good?
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You have a beautiful life. The career, the relationship, the family, the house, and the lifestyle. From the outside, it seems like you have it all, and everyone thinks you've got it all figured out, but it doesn't feel like that to you. Something inside just feels off, like a shoe that almost fits. It looks great, but it doesn't feel quite right. And something is missing. If this resonates even just a little bit, this episode is for you. Today we're going to look at what's causing this feeling and what it's actually trying to tell you. You'll understand how you got here and why nothing you've tried to fix it has actually worked. And at the end, I'm leaving you with three steps to get back on the right path to feeling truly fulfilled and living a life that finally feels like your own. If you haven't already, please subscribe to the podcast and also to the YouTube channel. And it's the best way to support the show and share it with someone you know, because if you like it, they will probably like it too. Okay, so you've gotten the promotions, moved up the ladder and gathered all what I call your mantle full of trophies. And yet it never seems like enough. You keep chasing the next thing, but as soon as you get it, the feeling that you were after never really lasts. And you're starting to wonder, what was all of this even for in the first place? Or maybe it's your relationship. You, he's a good man. Life together works. But if you're really honest, something is missing and you're lonely. The connection you wanted isn't really there. It's not bad enough to blow it up, so you just keep going. Or maybe it's your whole life, the house, the routine, the social calendar, all that just kind of happened to you. You didn't actually choose it. You just kept saying yes to the next logical thing, the next thing that you were supposed to do, the next thing offered to you. And meanwhile, you've accumulated all the goodies of modern life without ever really questioning if any of it is what you really want. Whatever this looks like for you specifically in your life, I bet you're still showing up doing all the things with a smile on your face. And maybe you are happy enough or you have moments of happiness, but it's just not fulfilling you the way you thought it would. And I know it's really confusing because there's so much to be grateful for. You can't even pinpoint specifically something wrong. Nothing is really broken. There's no obvious reason to feel this way. You just have this sense that this isn't quite your life, the one that you would have chosen for yourself. Or maybe you thought it was what you wanted. But now that you're here, you're still waiting to arrive at the good part, the part that you've been working toward this whole time. And it doesn't ever seem to come. So you live with a bit of discontentment, a persistent sense that something is missing. That's the void. And you're not alone in this. So many women end up in lives that don't quite fit. And now we're going to get into what this is all about. Here's the reason, the real truth. Most of us were never actually taught to choose our own lives. We don't consciously choose our path to consider who we really are. What do we really want and what feels right for us, for me to check in with ourselves and make choices and decisions that honor our true nature, our strengths, our talents, and our unique individuality. And even if we do consider ourselves, we're often very young and still immature in discovering ourselves. So we make these decisions early on, and then we make these decisions once, setting us on a path for our forever future. And we looked outside of ourselves for the answers, because that's just what happens to us as we develop. Basically, this is how it happens. We think, well, what do my parents think? Well, what does society expect? What's the next logical step? What does everyone else seem to be doing? So we inherit the expectations in this master blueprint from our families, from our peers, from religion, from our culture and society. And we followed it without ever really questioning it, because it was really never presented as a choice, and it was just the way things go. Remember chanting this when you were seven? First comes love, then comes marriage, Then comes baby in the baby carriage. If you ever said that, that's the conditioning that I'm talking about. And so you spent all this time checking boxes that were already laid out for you before you ever had a chance to decide if those were even your boxes to check. I can't even count how many times I have heard women tell me that they got married. So because it was the next logical step, all of her friends were doing it. She was at the right age. He was a good enough option, and he was already there. And everyone kept asking when they were getting engaged. So that's what they did. They just got married. And many of the women who share these stories with me also said they knew on their wedding day that it wasn't right, but they did it anyway. I know it sounds crazy, but I can't make this up. I hear it every single day. So our first instinct is to avoid this persistent shitty feeling and to put your head down and keep going. Maybe even numb it out with wine and food and shopping and being busy or antidepressants, because it's all just too inconvenient to actually face it. But once that no longer works, and the feeling is just undeniable, we try to fix the thing that seems broken. Maybe it's the job. Maybe it's the relationship. Maybe if you just moved or changed careers or found the right person, then you'd finally feel relief. But here's what I know for sure. The discontentment isn't about any of those things. It's not about the job. It's not about the relationship. It's not about the house or the city or the circumstances. All those things can absolutely need to change. And sometimes they do. But changing them alone will not fix the feeling. Because the feeling isn't the problem, even if it feels like it is. The feeling is just the symptom of a deeper problem. The feeling is your deep self trying to call attention to the real problem underneath it all. And it will not go away until you listen. It's serving an important purpose for you. It's saying, hello, listen to me. Pay attention to me. This is your own internal warning system going off. The real problem is that the life you've created and who you actually are, your true, authentic self, those two things are not in alignment. The life you've built isn't a true reflection of you, and your whole system knows it, even if your brain keeps trying to rationalize it. It's the gap between who you really are and how you're living. And until you close that gap, until you learn to tune into yourself and to trust yourself and build a life from the inside out instead of from the outside in, that feeling will go with you wherever you go. And I know that might sound heavy, but honestly, it's the most freeing thing I can tell you. Because it means the answer isn't out there somewhere, waiting for the right circumstances to line up. The answer is you. And you are the one thing that you can actually do something about right. There is a way out of this, and it's not too late. And you don't have to burn it all down to the ground to get there. So I'm going to give you three steps right now that will actually help fill the void and stay with Me till the end. Because the third one is the most important shift that you commit. Step. Step number one, Take inventory and trust what you uncover. It starts with being radically honest with yourself about what you actually want. Get out a pen and paper and answer the following questions honestly, because no one's going to read this. It's just for yourself. So don't perform it and don't pretend. Just tell the truth. So, number one, what gives me the most energy? What drains my energy? When was the last time I felt most like myself? What was I doing and where was I and who was I with? Where have I been performing? And where am I actually just being? What am I doing because I want to? What am I doing because I feel like I should? If you're struggling to find the answers, check in with yourself throughout the day. Notice when something energizes you or delights you or thrills you. Just take note and do more of that. And then notice when something drains you, feels dreadful or heavy, and do less of that. And here's the thing, you already know more than you think you do. You just have to stop talking yourself out of it. And I know it sounds really simple, but for most women, it can feel like a radical act because they were never given permission to use that as a filter to make intentional choices to actually choose your own life. So it's time to give yourself that gift. It's a very precious and necessary gift. You are at the center of everything. And when you are genuinely, honestly, unapologetically yourself, everything around you reflects that. And when you're not, everything reflects that too. So I have to say one important thing about this before we move on to step two. It's really hard to be brutally honest with yourself if the truth means there is a decision or. Or a consequence that you don't want to face. If acknowledging that you were very unhappy in a marriage means you may have to leave, you may just minimize it or stuff it down. Because going through a divorce and starting over can feel daunting. You may just not be willing to tell yourself the truth to yourself if it means you have to do that. So you have to mentally separate those two things. Your truth and an action that may follow. Start with the truth and just the truth and know that if there is a decision, you will get to that later. You don't have to do anything right now. You don't have to decide anything right now. Just be honest with yourself. That's the first step. Step number two, move with intention, not just momentum. There's A difference between being busy and being purposeful. And most of us, myself included, are very good at the first one. But when you're always rushing towards the next thing and checking all the boxes and getting through the to do list. Because of course, high achievers love crossing things off their to do list, you're not actually present in your own life. You're living on default. You're living mindlessly on autopilot. You're letting life happen to you instead of choosing it. So ask yourself every day, what is the one most important thing I can do today that that moves me closer to the life I actually want. And start there. You don't have to have the full picture and you don't have to have all the answers right now. They slowly reveal themselves as you go. And remember, it's not about being productive or optimizing your time. Joy is important. Rest is important. Self care is important. Feeling fulfilled is important. And for all you high achievers listening right now, this is something that I always teach my clients. Doing nothing is doing something. You are intentionally not doing anything at all because you are busy, just being. And when you take the time to just be, and then you do the things that feel good and aligned and like you, that void inside starts to get filled. Which brings us to the third and most important step number three. Learn to trust yourself as your own authority. This is the shift that changes everything. And it's the one nobody taught you to make. Instead of looking outside of yourself for the answers, you start going inward. Instead of asking, what does everyone else think I should do, you start asking, what do I actually think? What do I actually feel? What do I actually want? What do I actually want? Ask that question twice, with the emphasis being on I and then again with the emphasis being on want. What do I want? What do I want? And then you just listen. And you don't talk yourself out of it. You trust what comes up and you act on it. This is your life. No one else gets to live it but you. And no one else, not your parents, not your partner, not society, knows better than you what is right for you. The problem was never that you didn't have the answers. The problem was that you were never taught to look inside yourself for those answers. And it doesn't matter what they think. It only matters what you think. People in your life may not agree with you or support you or like some of your opinions or your thoughts or your decisions, but who cares? You do not need their approval. I just heard from a woman whose brother and sister in law got mad at her for initiating her own divorce because it impacted their kids, that their kids were close to her ex husband. Seriously, I can't make this shit up. I told you, I hear the real stories from women every day. So listen. Start now. Start treating your own instincts and your own desires and your own knowing as valid. Trust your own advice as worth listening to. Accept it as the most important data point in every decision that you make. Because when you do that, when you finally learn to trust yourself and you stop building a life based on what looks right to everyone else and what's expected of you and what you feel obligated to do, and you start building one that actually feels right to you. That is the only thing that will ever truly fill the void. And the more you turn inward for the information that you need and the guidance that you need, internal guidance, not external, the more authentically aligned your external life will become. And that will begin to close the gap between the the outer and the inner. And if at some point you need to make some big decision, by the time you're ready to do that, you'll have built up enough resilience and self trust that you will do it. And it won't be nearly as hard as you think. The life you truly want, one that actually feels good, is not irresponsible or selfish or too much to ask for. It is the life you deserve. You feel this way because somewhere deep down, you know it's the life you're supposed to be living. You built a life that made sense. Now it's time to build one that feels like yours. So before we go, if you want more on feeling, more joy, more energy, and more alignment every single day, watch my next video on the seven microhabits that will change your life. I'll link it right here in the show description and in the show notes. And don't forget to subscribe on your podcast app or on the YouTube channel. See you next time.