← Ready For Love with Hilary Silver
Ready For Love with Hilary Silver
#126: The Real Reason You're Always Exhausted (It's Not Your Schedule)
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Our lives can be so exhausting. We manage our own schedules and everyone else's. All the things that we do in our home life with the house and the kids and the chores and the dog and the apartments and the car stuff and the insurance stuff and the medical stuff. Right, all the stuff. And then add in all that we do in our work life. It all just feels like a lot. I'm exhausted just saying all of that out loud. But what if I told you the real reason that you're so exhausted has nothing to do with your schedule at all? In fact, in today's episode, we are going to look at the three things you may not even realize that you are doing that are actually draining all of your energy and keeping you in a constant state of exhaustion. And believe it or not, none of them are on your calendar. We're going to talk about how you got here, and I'm also going to share the surprising upside to feeling this depleted, because there actually is one. And then I'm giving you three shifts that you can make that will allow you to feel more rested, restored, and revitalized without having to cut back on everything your life requires of you. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Ready for Love podcast. If you haven't already, please subscribe to the podcast and to my YouTube channel so you never miss an episode. And I would really love your five star reviews. It's the best way to help more women find us. Okay, so you're constantly tired. Maybe you're even at the point of burnout. You. You feel like you're spread too thin. I get it. I am, too. Sometimes your schedule is packed too tight. You're exhausting yourself trying to be all things to all people all the time, and it's finally catching up with you. Maybe you think if you just could get a day off or a few hours to yourself, or even change jobs to one that's less demanding, the exhaustion will finally let up. But the truth is, even when you do get a break, it doesn't really fix anything, does it? Because as soon as you sit down, something kicks in. You're not doing enough. You're falling behind. You should be doing something. Everyone else can handle all this. Why can't you? The break itself becomes another thing that drains you. So you're exhausted when you're going, and you're exhausted even when you stop. There is no off switch. And that tells you something very important. The root of this problem is not a bandwidth problem. The exhaustion isn't coming from what you're doing on the outside. The truth is the exhaustion is a result of what you're doing on the inside. And it's a good thing that you're listening, because the only way to solve the exhaustion issue at the root is to deal with what's going on on the inside. Because once you fix the inside, the outside follows. And we'll get into exactly how to do that in just a little bit. But before we do, let's look at the deeper issue. Because there are three things you're doing internally, maybe without even realizing it, that are draining all of your energy and pushing you to your breaking point. If you've been watching and listening to the show, you you are no stranger to the first one, the self doubt spiral. This is the constant questioning, the second guessing, the doubting yourself on every decision, every move, every thought and every idea. Did I say the right thing? Did I talk too much? Did I not talk enough? Should I have handled that differently? Instead of making a choice or having a conversation and then moving on with your day, you're stuck in that loop questioning if it was right or wrong or good or bad. And you're never really moving forward, even when you're on to the next thing, because it just keeps piling on. Maybe you're even outsourcing that stamp of approval to something or someone outside of yourself. You go to your partner or your friend group or ChatGPT for every little thing and that's a whole other task on top of the to do list. Instead of just sending the email, you have to send it to someone else first to make sure it sounds good or run it by ChatGPT to get rid of all of the things that could be wrong about it. Then you have to reread it 10 times and then you have to double check and triple check and then maybe read it once more. You're spending all of your mental energy entertaining your uncertainty and you have nothing left for the things that matter. That is your life force and you are giving it all away. So self doubt and questioning yourself is the first one. The second one is a close cousin, the inner critic. And we all know what a bitch she can be. You're too much of this. You're not enough of that. Another five pounds here, a new wrinkle there. Wrong reaction, bad idea, horrible decision. She is running a constant commentary on everything you are and everything you are not. She is critical and nothing you do is good enough for her, for you. And it is relentless. It sounds like this and maybe you can relate to one of these Examples from things real women have shared with me. You've accomplished all of this, and you're still not happy with what's wrong with you. You should be further along by now. You're running out of time. You're not as smart as people think you are, or you're going to end up alone. Everyone else has figured this out. Why haven't you? What's wrong with you? You give so much and still you can't get it right. You are too damaged to be truly loved. You're one mistake away from everyone finding out you've been faking it. What will she think? Or they think you're selfish. You're a bad mother, bad daughter, bad friend. Okay, so I know all of that sounds like a lot, and it sounds really harsh, but I want you to see how crazy it is when I say it out loud. Because that is exactly how women talk to themselves, how we talk to ourselves sometimes. And it is absolutely crazy, the things that we say. And yet inside our heads, it's just another day like background noise that we've learned to live with. That is how normalized all of that chatter has become. And that is exactly why you are completely spent. So the second problem is the relentless inner critic. And the third and final thing that you're doing that's depleting you is what I call shape shifting. Trying to read everyone's mind, anticipating their reactions and managing their perceptions, trying to understand what their needs are going to be before they even tell you. You're trying to be everything to everyone so you can gain their approval or acceptance. Because if you can just figure out what all these people want from you, you can be that person for them. That way you won't be rejected and you won't have to disappoint anyone. So you shapeshift. You become a different version of yourself. In every room that you walk into, you contort yourself to fit every mold, to fit every mood, every expectation, except your own. You anticipate what everyone needs from you and do it before they have to ask. Maybe at work, you read the room before you decide to open your mouth. With your boss, you're measured, careful, always trying to say things just the exact right way to make her pleased with you. With your team, you're the team player. A yes woman, approachable, easy. They can always count on you to take the extra work or to go the extra mile or to help everyone out. And you don't want to let anyone down, so you always say yes. And with the client, you're whoever they need you to be. You're always on top of it, responding with urgency, taking their feedback, keeping them happy however you can. So you're not only managing the work, you're managing their mood and their experience with you every step of the way. And then finally, in your social life, both with friends and acquaintances, it's shifting into the version of you you think everyone wants you to be. So you fit in and belong. And you're so good at it that no one even notices that you're doing it. Including you. You don't even know you're doing it anymore. And that's the problem. Because when you're always performing and always adjusting and always making yourself fit, fit, you lose the ease of just being yourself. And then you start to forget who that even is. But the amount of mental gymnastics going on to constantly read the room and then censor yourself or edit, alter and filter yourself is exhausting. All that overthinking and analyzing rather than just being, this is no way to live, my loves. It is just not. It's exhausting. And if this is what is going on inside of your head, it is really hard to be you. Do you see that? Look what you are doing to yourself. You simply cannot give yourself a break and you can't escape yourself. No wonder so many women are burned out, have anxiety or take the edge off with meds or self medicating with gummies or wine. It's not unusual for women to drink a whole bottle of wine in a night. That may be hard for some of you to believe, but I hear it every single day. And for some of you, you're nodding your head yes because what I'm saying makes total sense to you. Because it's either you or someone you know. I want to say this again. All the noise going on in your head, the overthinking and effort going on inside, makes your day to day experience of just living such a burden. It is a lot. The flip of this would be silence. The absence of all the noise. No constant back and forth with yourself, no constant chatter and commentary. Instead it's just simply being. It's trusting yourself and letting yourself be. Just let yourself be. It's kind of crazy to think that as we were growing up no one ever taught us or talked to us about self talk. In health class we learned about puberty and sex ed, but we didn't learn a thing about our thinking and how our thinking influences how we feel. We didn't learn how to manage our thoughts and manage our minds. And this is Mental health. And we never learned a thing about it. In fact, you probably learned to be this way from witnessing your mom or other caregivers talking to themselves like this or talking to each other in this way. Maybe they even spoke to you in that way. I know that's what I experienced. And you passively absorbed all of it. And sadly, now you're doing it to yourself. Maybe there's a part of you that thinks speaking to yourself like this or suppressing your emotions is actually protecting you. Because if you criticize yourself first, first, no one else can catch you off guard. If you stay small and question every decision, you won't make a mistake or make take a risk that blows things up. And if you manage everyone's perception, you won't ever be disliked. So the self doubt feels like due diligence and the self criticism feels like accountability and the shape shifting feels like being a good person. This is normal for you. It's so normal. It was conditioned into you and you've been doing it for so long you don't even know you're doing it anymore. But the way you talk to yourself matters so much in determining who you are in this life, how you operate, your energy, what you achieve, how you interact with people, and your overall well being and quality of life. So it's time to understand that this is not helping you or protecting you or serving you in any way. What it's really doing is draining you from the inside out. And it has to stop right here and right now. Because if you think about it, all of the chatter that's going on in your head is kind of abusive. Not just kind of, it is abusive. And again, maybe somebody talked to you like that when you were growing up and that then was abusive, but you are now doing it to yourself. Self abuse. And again, it has to stop right here and right now. So here's the good news, the surprising twist I mentioned earlier. You've given so much for so long that you can be, if you want to be, finally, completely and utterly done with this. You're in your fuck it season and that means you're finally ready to give yourself a break. And I'm about to tell you exactly how to do that. So what I want you to hear is this. You are holding the key. The emotional jail cell that you can't seem to get out of. You built it and you can unlock it. But the solution does not start with your schedule or your to do list or even your boundaries. None of it is out there. It all starts in here. Inside. Because how you talk to yourself matters. How you see yourself matters. And how you show up in the world matters. So you are going to give yourself a damn break right here, right now. It is time to have a kinder, gentler, more accepting, forgiving, compassionate, loving relationship with yourself. You are the only one who gets to decide where your energy goes. And right now, you are giving it all away. You're giving it to every doubt, every criticism, every outside approval. You're giving it to everyone else's emotions and needs and perceptions instead of your own. And that ends here. So here are the three shifts that will finally give you your power back, your vitality back, and your life force back. So, number one, commit to backing yourself no matter what. You have the power to decide whose side you're on. You have the power to say, you know what? That was the right move. I stand by that decision. I liked that idea. You. Even if it didn't go your way, even if it wasn't received in the way that you hoped or in the present tense, this is what I'm doing, and that is final. I am 100% sure it's what I want to do right now. Even if it doesn't work out how I want, this is my decision. It's what I'm doing. So just plant yourself firmly in your own corner and have your own back, no matter what. Be there unconditionally for you in the Ready for Love program. This is what I call byobff. Be your own best friend forever. Loyal, solid, unwavering. Because when you're fully committed to yourself, you learn to trust yourself. And that stops all the inner turmoil, the interrogation and the overthinking and the micromanaging. And you can just live your life your way, knowing that your way is good enough. Your way is the best way for you. You can either feed the uncertainty, or you can feed the belief in you. The first one drains you. The second one strengthens you. So which one do you want to give your energy to? So that's the first shift to get your own back. And now that you're firmly rooted in your own corner, let's think about the type of presence you want to have there. Which brings me to number two. Make your inner critic work for you, not against you. Here's what nobody will tell you. You don't actually want to get rid of her completely. Her in your head. And honestly, it's not even realistic to expect that. Anyone who tells you that you can silence your inner critic is mistaken. Your inner voice will always be talking to you. She just doesn't have to be a critical bitch. It's time to make friends with her because she is you. You get to decide to stop talking to yourself so harshly, to change your relationship with yourself so you're not feeding yourself a constant stream of abusive bullshit all day long. That voice exists for a reason. Underneath all the venom, she's actually trying to protect you, trying to keep you from getting hurt, from failing and from being rejected. She just got really bad at her job somewhere along the way. But there is a version of that voice that is useful, that's actually on your side. If you think about her as the friend who's looking out for you, the one who glances over at you before you walk out the door, not to tear you apart, but just to make sure you don't have lipstick on your teeth before you go. She's the one who taps you on the shoulder after a hard conversation and says, hey, you were kind of an asshole back there. You might want to apologize. The one who asks, honestly and without cruelty, is this actually good for you? Is this who you really want to be? That is not self criticism anymore. That is self awareness and that is accountability. And when she's coming from that place, a place of self love, she's genuinely in your corner. And you don't resist her. And you can actually listen to her. You're not at war with her. She's not tearing you down. She's just helping you be your best self. A critic working against you sounds like shame. A voice working for you sounds like wisdom. So this shift isn't about slapping a sticky note on your mirror with a fluffy affirmation. It's about doing the deeper work to recalibrate how that inner voice, your constant companion, is, relates to you. That is self love. She is someone who loves you. You are someone who loves you. And you don't criticize yourself all day long when you love yourself. So shift number two is turn your inner critic into your biggest fan and ally. And it only happens when you've done the work of truly getting in your own corner first. And so that brings us to the third and final shift. Be fiercely honest and let go of the outcome. Shape shifting is a self protection mechanism designed to keep you from getting hurt. And all the mental exertion required to predict, then manufacture and contort yourself is a cognitive distortion, meaning it's not even real. It's a. It's a way of thinking that's not quite clear and rational. It's a distorted way of Thinking, you're exhausting yourself trying to predict something you can never actually even know because there is no way to know what everyone else is thinking or preferring. So that is a serious waste of your thinking energy. And the truth is that the belief that the real authentic you isn't good enough as you are, so that you have to change into someone else is more damaging to you than any dislike or rejection by someone else. You are rejecting you before anyone else even can. That is death by a thousand cuts, my friends. Their rejection might sting, but it passes. Self rejection doesn't. It festers inside of you slowly from the inside out. And it's the real source of your exhaustion. The energy required to engage in this behavior and then the internal consequences of it is draining your life force. So make a promise to yourself right now to get your own back, no matter what. Become your own best friend, your own fiercest ally, trusted, confident. And then let go of the outcome and simply be your real, whole, unfiltered self and let the chips fall where they may. When you make these shifts, life begins to flow with you instead of feeling like you're always swimming upstream. And I promise you'll have more energy because you're not fighting yourself all the time anymore. And if you're sitting there thinking, okay, I'm done dimming my light, I'm done fighting myself, now what I've got. You go watch my episode or listen to it on how to create a quantum leap in your life. Because that's exactly what happens when you finally get out of your own way. I will link it right here for you in the show notes and in the description. Thanks for listening and I'll see you next time.